milky way

i watched. i gawked rather. i spied, it made me giggle and i blushed a little too. not bad for a view from my cube.

i wish i was more articulate. i think i accidentally offended him because i didn't have the ability to explain my perspective and he didn't have the ability to fill in the blanks. i feel badly. i wish i'd kept my big mouth shut. but what does it matter – to each their own. we're all different, there's no "best" way of doing it – living life. we all have to deal with what we are given, the circumstances we find ourselves in. no one can say it's better than the alternative, or that the alternative would be better. we just know what we know, we chew what we've bitten off, regardless of how big the bite is. i guess it's hard because i've only come to appreciate my state of being, to fully understand the value. it's probably immaturity that makes me spout off at the mouth. childish instincts make me ramble incoherently. i should remember that he was probably trying his best to justify his choices too, to tell himself he made the best possible decision. i should've just let him live in that, instead of point out the holes in his theory. in the end, i think we both lost. but on the other hand, i think we both win.

when i'm out walking
i strut my stuff
and i'm so strung out.

osap

jill is in town visiting the erbs, so i had her over for dinner. it was fun hanging out, although, i just realized that we hung out in the kitchen the entire time. i tend to do that when i have dinner guests, and forget that i have a fantastic living room just waiting to be sat in.

it was really nice to see her. i'd gotten so used to her company in peru that i almost feel more normal hanging out with her again. it was fun and we shared a bottle of wine that i'd been saving because i can't finish a whole bottle by myself (i'm a cheap drunk and wine makes me sleepy). it seems i have a problem with fruit flies, and we found two swimming around in the wine bottle after i opened it. i used a strainer to catch the flies when i poured our second glasses – i'm so classy.

i search myself; i want you to find me.

crooked

yesterday shannon, liz, and i went to the wolfe island music festival. it was BEAUTIFUL weather and we enjoyed the show a great deal. we particularly enjoyed winter gloves and busdriver. the sun was shining, the people watching was excellent, the music stellar. and shanno smoked her first cigar – i did not, i abstained from the smoking.

this year we decided to camp over night. it was our first time doing that, it was kind of complicated, but was a fun experience. we arrived early so we could set up the tent without missing out on the tunes. we borrowed todd & chelsea's tent, and it ended up being rather difficult to set up. there we were, three girls, in sundresses, attempting to pitch a tent. we eventually got it up, when a nearby onlooker checked in that we'd managed ok – i was a little annoyed that he only offered AFTER we were finished, i'm certain he timed it like that on purpose so he wouldn't have to actually do anything. there were another set of people nearby who i'm convinced were laughing at us – they were definitely laughing and were also looking. hmph. oh well, we conquered.

the campgrounds were in a baseball diamond and they turned on the field lights. it was so bright that it was like daytime, but everything beyond the field was pitchblack. it was bizarre. there were lots of people gathered at tents drinking and playing instruments. shan and i decided to hit the hay so we could get up to go to church the next morning :S it was really trippy. as we lied in our sleeping bags i said to shan "this feels like a bizarre dream. like, if i were to tell you 'shan, i had this crazy dream that we were sleeping in a baseball diamond in a bright sunny tent while we were surrounded by crowds of people playing bongos and guitars' it would seems like a totally nuts". bizarre situation. however, we slept well, except i'm pretty sure that some of the guys next to us would regularly shake our tent, i don't know why, but something was rustling our tent and it wasn't the wind.

our tent was weird, it looked inside out. but we DID set it up properly, it's just weird, like a skeleton.

alison lau was at church today. it was fantastic to see her, it's been several years! crazy how fast time passes. i miss her, but i'm excited for her that she got married and is doing cool things with her life. considering we didn't get to go out for a coffee or anything, we got caught up in the pews pretty easily :D

i had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee.

plastic/rapture

on the trek, there was a porter who brought along his guitar. upon nightfall (around 6 pm) until after we fell asleep he would play the same song over and over again without ceasing. when he woke up the next morning he'd be at it again. it made us all slightly mental. it was clear that he was trying to perfect that song for some reason, he probably would've played that song until his fingers bled. i suspect he's playing it right now. i understood where he was coming from. he spends all day walking the inca trail, carrying packs weighing 35 pounds on his back, all the while craving his guitar. at the end of his work day all he wants to do is play that guitar and squeeze as much playing time in before starting another day of walking. i am like him. i spend all day in my 8x8 blue cube, when i escape i want to cram as much living into my evening that it encroaches on my sleep. when in peru jill and i went to bed at reasonable times, sometimes even unreasonably early (probably because the sun sets so early there that it felt later). i slept well and woke at a decent hour. but since returning i've been sleep deprived, and wake-up tired & grumpy. i need to reform my sleeping habits.

while we're on the topic of things that porters brought along... i saw one guy with a toilet seat. it seemed funny at the time, but i realized later that it was because in peru most public washrooms (servicios higienicos – aka SS HH) don't have toliet seats. or toliet paper for that matter. in the pay baños (bathroom), patrons can't even flush their own toilets, instead the staff flush it for you. in some places they'll even turn on the tap at the sink for you. it was really trippy at first.

it feels funny being home. it's a bigger adjustment than i would've expected.

you're the sun who makes me shine.

gonzalez

every time i travel i discover myself a little more. it's as though all of me is there, deep inside, and when i travel, more of who i am is revealed.

while i was in peru i ate a guinea pig, i did a 4 day trek on foot, i went paragliding. things i'd never done before, things i'd never expected to do. but i did it, i succeed. i'm bolder than i thought, more fearless than i realized, more capable than i'd dreamt i was. am rather. it's a very empowering feeling.

i said to jill when we first arrived in cuzco how it's really neat that all one needs to do is decide to go to peru and then do it. it's as simple as that. i can do whatever i decide. the world is my oyster.

i feel invigorated. i don't know what's gonna happen next, i have dreams and hopes. there are some obstacles, but things will all pan out eventually.

oh how i love south america. oh shucks, i love every place i travel to. there's so many places to go! i'm majorly infatuated with travel. *sigh*

i think i've decided to become the thorn in my thorn's side.

all these places feel like home.

sopa

i have, as of yet, to tell you about lima. but an in depth entry about those 5 days will have to wait, because i have a different story to tell you.

lima doesn't have a metro system as most cities with 8 million+ residents do. to get around people either take mini buses or taxis. one in seven cars in lima are taxis. jill and i mostly took taxis, and got pretty good at it. we read in lonely planet the protocol... catching a taxi was quite easy, drivers were constantly slowing down and calling to us (bus drivers do this too, which is extra strange, one would think if someone was interested in the bus they'd be at a bus stop instead of walking down the sidewalk minding their own business. plus they usually don't require coaxing). basically, whenever we needed a taxi i'd just nod to one of the cabbies who were heckling us, he'd stop and we'd get in. lonely planet (or "the l.p." as we sometimes refer to it) told us to lock the doors upon getting in, and to ask the driver how much ("cuento questa?") because they don't use fare meters so it's important to ask in advance so they don't rip you off. we got very good at this, our only trouble is we're not well versed with spanish numbers, and sometimes had to converse among ourselves to figure out what they'd said.

anyways, on our last night we caught a cab to the airport. it was a pretty a-typical taxi ride. sweet 90s tunes playing on the radio, driver in his own private cage, car swearving in and out of traffic with no regard for lanes, no seatbelts in the backseat. as we approached the airport we stopped somewhat abruptly. we weren't sure what was happening, but noticed a policia man slowly approaching the car. they talked back and forth in spanish, and we figured out that he was pulled over for honking at a garbage truck. the cop made us follow behind him for a few blocks before he finally gave back the driver's id and we were on our way again. he was quite apologetic, but we found the whole situation quite amusing.

when we got into the cab, and we asked "cuento questa?" he told us 50 soles. that was a bit steep, considering we were expecting 30, MAYBE 40 soles, but whatever. i dug around in my wallet and i had 147 soles. i needed that hundred to pay the airport tax in order to leave the country, but i figured the airport tax would be about 90 soles, so i figured i could give him my 100 sole bill and get 50 in return then have enough. when i gave him the 100 he was searching around for change, this did not surprise us because it seemed every store/business in peru quite regularly didn't have change when we made purchases. but eventually he did find a 50, he gave it to me and left. as we walked towards the airport entrance i said to jill "it feels fake, it's so smooth..." we'd read earlier that fake bills are in broad circulation in peru and had learned a few tips to identify phonies. but it was dark, and we were focused on leaving so i just figured it was probably just a crisp new bill.

so we get in, get situated, check our bags, make our way to the airport tax area and get in line. when it's my turn i pass over my 96 soles and the guy starts to laugh, and talk in spanish. i say to him "what? what is it?" and he explains to me in english "it's a fake". then points to a portion of text on the back, printed as clear as day, that says "billete de la suerte alasitas" and tells me "it means 'lucky bill'" ah! i'd been scamed by the taxi driver! when i looked closer it was such an obvious fake that i could just kick myself, i knew it as soon as i felt it! argh!


so i brought it home. i'm going to frame it or laminate it or something. it will be my lucky bill. thankfully, i find it really funny. it's just 50 soles, which is worth less than 17 dollars, if it was 50 bux canadian i'd be pretty livid. this way i got a great story to tell and a few good laughs. so funny. as irony would have it, when we were at the luggage claim in toronto i found 7 soles in my pocket, which meant i COULD have given him just 50 soles instead of handing over my 100. jill made fun of me because i'm notorious for having money in oodles of different places at once. oh well.

oh man, i still have so much to say. i could just write and write and write. but i need to go to bed. i have work in the morning. work went surprisingly ok today. i'm determined to find a better way of dealing with this massive thorn in my side, it will not devour me.

i forget myself,
i want you to remind me.

boots

i'm home.

i have mixed feelings about this. i just love traveling so much that i hate that it's over. and it's kind of sad because i don't suspect that i'll ever get to go back to peru. that's a pure shame because the thought of that country makes my heart swell in my chest.

jill and i had quite an
adventure yesterday that i'm looking forward to telling you about, but i think i'll leave it til tomorrow. instead, i want to talk a little about my new bff (backpacking friend forever). jill is super, and i would travel with her again in a second. i felt we were very compatible travel companions, very much on the same wavelength and we had a lot of fun together. i actually already really miss her a lot, i'm so used to her almost constant presence that it's weird and a little sad to be alone again.

jill is so weird and great. she's fantastic at remembering lyrics and sings freely. one of my favourite memories of her is when we walked to the grocery store up the street from our hostel to get some chocolate. she played "i'm too sexy" on her ipod and made me listen to it with her as she danced and sang up the street. it was very fun.

we'd tag-teamed doing hard things – mostly asking questions in spanish, giving directions in spanish, etc. that's partly why i think we travel well together, that and neither of us are crazy drinkers or like to go out partying. although, we did go out one night for a pisco sour (the trademark drink of lima) and jill got a little extra tipsy, but that was fun so no worries :)

it quickly became apparent to me that jill is a person of influence in my life. one of people who can get me to do pretty much anything. she was always like "les... do (such and such) and i'll take a picture". she just about always succeeded – the only times i didn't comply was when it involved me lying in a puddle or climbing a tree when i was sore and tired.

i think there's something to be said about traveling with or living with people you don't know super well beforehand. it's really neat to get to know someone on the fly. and i liked that within the first week we were so comfortable with each other that we'd freely tell each other to shut-up. that being said, it was always in good fun, and we never had a tense moment of friction.

one funny mishap was when we were on the trek, karen asked us how we "met". her choice of words struck me odd, and i'm pretty sure that for a small period of time she mistook jill and i as a couple. it was quite funny, and i think we got that cleared up pretty fast.

jill's name seemed to trip up the spanish speakers. jair called her "lillian" a few times. i can understand why it would've been tricky for them, seeing as J's are usually pronounced as H's, and double L's make a Y sound. so really, for a spanish speaker her name would've been pronounced as hiyan :S

i'm very grateful for her easy-going nature. she was much faster than me on the trail, but she was very patient and didn't walk too far ahead of me. always watching out for me, and i really appreciate that a lot.

so, all this to say, that a huge reason why this peru trip was a success was because of the lovely jillian lauren.

thanks jill!! you're really sure awesome. and i think you deserve an award :D

my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes, they do
they do, they do, they do.

kabob

today, on our last day in lima, the sun came out. before coming to peru i checked the temperature, everyday it said "overcast and 18 degrees". i thought perhaps they neglected to update the weather, but it turns out it really is overcast every day. not in cuzco though, the sky was deep blue and cloudy there. regardless, we've had a great time in lima. the whole trip has been a fantastic success, and i'm so grateful and DON'T want to go back to work :S

ok, so more about the trek. i can't remember what i've said or not said. after my entry the other day i kept saying to jill "oh, i forgot to say this, or that", and now i can't remember...

as we walked the inca trail there were porters who would carry our supplies from camp to camp. these men were not only unbelievable in their speed (they'd leave camp after us, and arrive long before us), they also had to carry large packs on their backs - sometimes wearing a weightlifting belt, and other times the packs were just strapped onto them with fabric like a baby-sling. and to top it all off, the all mostly wore leather sandles!!!! they were unbelievable men. indigieous mostly, they all spoke spanish but they were obviously decendants of the inca and not the spanish. the peruvians of inca decent are all quite short, some of the women are seriously no larger than 4 foot tall. they also have darker skin than the spanish decendants. there is an obvious difference between the people who live in lima and the people who live in cuzco. the women in the highlands of cuzco mostly wore traditional garb, and had their hair tied back in long braids - like this. a lot of the porters were clothes only had of organic materials.

the view on the inca trail was unbelievable. the terrain changed as the days went by, from desert-like with cacti, then at the end of the trek we were in jungle surroundings with bamboo. it was very cool.

on our last day we arrived at machu picchu, coming in thru the sungate the inca city was deceivingly small. we were tired and dirty, and sadly lacked the energy to be as excited as meritted. walking for 4 days, up and down stairs had left us sore and exhausted. however, we enjoyed our tour of machu picchu. giant ear (jiar) guided us around explaining all the ruins, then we had an hour to waunder around on our own. the rest of our group bolted, and went with him to the closest town instead of revelling the beauty of the lost incan city. despite that, jill and i stuck around, we sat doing nothing for a long time, they walked around a little before catching the bus down the long winding road to join the rest of the group at the designated meeting spot. my only disappointment was that machu picchu was majorly packed with people (often has 1000 visitors a day, but we were there on a sunday which is the day that it's free for locals, so it was extra busy), and i forgot to do my sun-salutations as planned :S

we ate very well on the trek, and thankfully my bladder held-out and i didn't have to go as frequently as usual. we drank A LOT of tea, whatshisface the guide said that coca tea helps with the digestion.

anyways, i've tell you more in the coming days. we fly out tonight at midnight. we're gonna go hangout by the ocean again for a little while. and try to be inconspicuous - we don't like it when locals try to pressure us into taking surfing lessons.

ok, i'm off. see you all soon. i love peru, and i love being away from home and work, but it will be nice to see you all. much love.

i'm a model if you know what i mean.

psyching hawks

we survived.

we got back to cuzco yesterday after hiking thru the andes for 4 days. there are many words that describe the experience, some include... blood, sweat and snot.

i can say in all honesty, that the inca trail was the most difficult task i´ve ever put my body thru. it was very trying, but very rewarding. the first day was the easiest, but was by no means easy. we´d been told by our guide that day 2 was the hardest, and as we lied in our tent on the first night i feared the next day. i lied in the dark seriously asking myself what was i thinking, and what had i done by signing up. i didn´t say anything to jill, i didn´t want to upset her or burden her at all. so i prayed, i talked to God about all my fears and anxiety, and about my inability to meet the challenge ahead of me. i felt calmer after that, and when morning came i felt better. day 2 was just all climbing up, and with the altitude oxygen was scarce, plus there was a danger of getting altitude sickness (nausous, headaches, etc). we walked slowly, took frequent stops, listened to our ipods, and before we knew it we were at our first break. the rest of the day progressed similarly, and we quickly felt that it wasn´t as hard as we´d imagined, because we paced ourselves. i´d had visions of myself lying on the inca trail while weeping and vomitting, so i was quite relieved that i was managing ok. by the end of day two we were in good spirits, and managed the rest of the walk quite well.

how it worked was we basically walked for 2 hours, had a break, walked another 2, had lunch, walked 2, break, walked 2, end of day (tea time, followed by dinner) then in our tents sleeping by 8:30. along the way on days one and three we stopped at various old incan ruins while whats-his-face gave us a talk about the people who once lived there.

we had two guides. julio and whats-his-face. we would also sometimes call whats-his-face "julio´s friend" or "the other guy/guide". the funny thing is that "whats-his-face" was our main guide, while julio was just the sidekick and his role was just follow along at the end to make sure everyone was ok. whats-his-face did everything else, and inspite of our friendship with him, we actually went 4 days without knowing whats-his-faces" actual name. we´d sometimes ask someone, but they wouldn´t know either or we´d just forget because it was too hard to remember. on the 3rd night we lied in bed trying to come up with it, possibilities ranged from javier to jaffer to jhad to gerard, the list goes on. in the middle of the night i rolled over and said to jill... "jill? is his name.... j... jiar?" she said "yes! it is! it´s like giant ear, just without the nt". so that was our memory aid for the last day giant-ear = jiar! he was a really nice guy, funny, and fun. the only awkward part in our guide-guidee relationship was on the first night, while i was alone waiting for jill who was in the outhouse, he and i had a semi-lengthy conversation about whether or not i have a boyfriend, which ended with him telling me "you are a very special girl". hm, a bit of a conflict of interest.

there were 13 people in our group, 5 from norway, 4 from france, 2 from the usa, and jill & me from canada. the norwegians were hard-core hikers, the french didn´t speak much english, and we got to know the 2 from the states the best. they actually got engaged at the top of dead-woman´s pass (the highest point on the trek which is 13,830 ft above sea level), which is interesting because it was so freaking cold and wet up there at the time that it was snowing, but it makes for a neat memory.

during the trek our weather sucked. it rained almost every day, but cleared up a lot on the 3rd day, and was mostly dry on the 4th. that´s strange because it´s the dry season, but whats-his-face said the climate is changing and becoming unpredictable.

after spending 4 days with people who speak broken english our ability to speak our native tongue has disintegrated a little bit. it´s quite entertaining. actually, jill and i don´t lack entertainment, we were the most laughy people in our group and regularly had ourselves in stitches. she´s good company.

oh my goodness, i have so much more to say. but i´ve already extended my time on this computer 2 times, so i should wrap it up. more to come later for sure.

i really like peru. after returning to the city after the trek, jill and i feel quite at home here, we know our way around and have made friends who we saw in the square today. we´ve found a little cafe that we really like, and sat people-watching for a long time this afternoon. we leave for lima tomorrow, i´m both excited and a little sad to be moving on.

i brought you something close to me.

agua

well, jill and i are in peru. all has gone well. were staying at an incredibly beautiful hotel at the moment, and are about to catch a bus to a historical city called pisac. there is much to tell you, BUT i will be brief because jill wants to check her email on this computer when i´m finished, and this keyboard kind of sucks...

so instead i´ll give you a point form update...
- inca kola is this local pop that smells like bubble gum but is bright yellow
- cuzco is BEAUTIFUL, we´re in a valley and are surrounded by amazing mountains on each side
- my backpack weighs 35 lbs, but jill´s weighs 18
- there are stray dogs everywhere. they are really well behaved and just chill in the middle of the plaza de arms. yesterday i petted one, and it became friends with us. it followed us around for the next hour (sometimes embarrassing me by growling a sheep and dashing out onto the road into coming traffic). we walked up a big mountain to some inca ruins called saqsaywaman (pronounced as sexy woman), and saw a massive statue of jesus on the top. it was exhausting because of the shortage of oxygen and we had to stop frequently. our dog would patiently wait for us, and lie down beside us as we sat. when we headed back down the mountain we thought we´d lost her, but oddly enough, 2 or 3 hours later when we left our hotel for dinner, the dog showed up passing by our front door. seeing as we´re nowhere near the sexy woman, we can only assume she followed our scent. she hung out outside the restaurant for us, but we snuck past her as she ate some garbage. she´s a good puppy but had gotten into a fight with another dog and it scared us a little so we wanted to part ways with her. here´s hoping she won´t be out on the street as we leave today.
- on the way up the mountain a man gestured to me with his camera as he spoke in another language. thinking he wanted me to take his photo i said sure! however, the next thing i knew, he was passing the camera to his friend and he´d come and stood beside me and jill as the other man took his photo with us. it was so strange. PLUS, his friend switched spots with him and had his picture taken with us too.¨

we´ve been having a great time, and occassionally we remind ourselves that we´re in south america. CRAZY! wish you could see the view from here.

tomorrow we head out on the trek. i´m a little concerned that the shortage of oxygen will be a problem, but jill thinks we´ll be ok. we´ve been walking a lot, so our bodies are getting used to it.

hope all is well with you!

i have a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.

chapel

i'm all packed and ready to leave for peru. in an hour i'll call for a taxi and head out. i'll sleep in various locations in the next 48 hours, none of which will be a bed. it's ok, i had a nap earlier this evening. i'll spend the next hour trying to tidy up a little and writing up some instructions for my dad as he'll be in each day to feed the kitties.

my backpack is hefty. when i put it on, all i could think is "i'm truly a backpacker now". lifting it is the hardest part, but once it's on, it's fine and comfortable :D

i was thinking on my way to bren's for dinner tonight how strange it is that i'm going to south america. until i made my decision to visit all the continents, it wasn't on my radar. i never had an plans or desires to go there. it's not like there's anything wrong with S.A. but it's the continent i know the least about. i have regular contact (and always have – whether thru people or the media) with europe, asia, africa, australia, but almost never with south america. this makes it almost more exciting to go there, to get better acquainted with this unknown (to me) continent. i have a feeling it will be beautiful and world expanding.

i'm totally thrilled to be going with jill. it worked out so nicely, and i'm so glad she was available and interested in joining me in this adventure. i think we're going to have a lot of fun.

i'll be back on august 3rd, talk to you then!

you're on your way.

opal

oh man, i'm really sick. i have a terrible cold and it's draining me. the knickers was nagging at me this afternoon to buy some coldfx, but it's too expensive. she said "it doesn't matter, when you have a problem just throw money at it". SEE!?!? that's why i hate her advise, it's so contrary to my perspective on life. besides, this is coming from a woman who makes 3 times more than me AND has her husband's pension. thankfully i didn't have time to go to the drug store, so tomorrow i have a legitimate excuse.

tonight my family gathered to celebrate joelle's 6th birthday. it was fun. we ended up having this lengthy conversation about michael jackson where i found out that he wore a wig because of that fire that burned off all his hair in the 80s, and we discussed the possibility that he was castrated before he hit puberty – which would explain why his voice never changed and why he didn't father his own children. my mom's housemate doesn't believe he's dead. she thinks he's just in hiding. conspircy theories are weird. i remember watching a documentary on the lunar landing hoax, it almost had me convinced for a while. sometimes i get annoyed by people who are so skeptical of everything. sometimes things really are what they seem.

anyways, afterwards i brought joelle and caleb to my house to see my kitties and we played at the park across the street from my house. they're both very sweet. i liked having them in the car with me, caleb was quite the little talker, which was nice because he's sometimes really hard to get a word out of.

i'm really pooped. so i'm going to get into bed now.

when i go south again,
he'll be waiting at your door.

geocache

when i shake out my kitchen rug from my balcony i feel like a western european woman. in those moments, i perform a task shared by these women for generations. it's fabulous. it makes me shake that rag rug much longer than necessary because i want to extend the experience.

i was struck with a cold last night at the screening room. i feel really yucky, and almost feverish. the movie was great by the way. i'd forgotten that i'd heard an interview on the cbc with rachel weisz about it. it was fun and kind of novel.

you know what i find odd? every august i suddenly feel really motivated to work out and shed some pounds. i finally get restless in my body and want to do something about it. i do that until january when i get really bored of workingout and am finally satisfied with my weight. so i drop motivation. by spring i've quit the Y and coast (putting weight back on) until august. i kind of wish this cycle was altered a tiny bit, so i gained weight in the winter when it would be prudent to have some extra pounds, and lost weight in the spring. oh well. all i know is that i'm hitting the gym when i get back from south america. and that 4 day hike will serve me well too.

i love being sneaky with you. that i'm willing to take a roll of masking tape to peru because of you. that you will seek it and then find it.

find the man you want,
he's got all you need and more.

plot

i'm sneaking out to see the brothers bloom at the screening room. i've been waiting for it to come to town and this is my only chance. so i tried to work hard and get lots accomplished so i could go. i was very productive, and yet have still run out of time to type up the minutes :S

this week is going faster than i expected.

when the right time comes,
i'll be what you've grown to hate.

carpet

this morning my alarm clock didn't go off, and i finally clued in at 7:00 that something was wrong (tipped off by feeling so rested). apparently i set it for 6:10 pm instead of 6:10 am. that is EXACTLY why i've decided to take the 2 am bus to the airport on friday night instead of getting up early to catch the 6:30 am bus. because far too often i sleep thru my alarm, or set it incorrectly, or hit the snooze button too many times. it'll be ok. i'll take a nap after work, sleep on the bus, then sleep at the airport (i've done that before, so i know exactly where to plant myself).

this evening was my last yoga class until september. yogi master dennis is taking august off. i'll miss it. i secretly fantasize about doing yoga at machu picchu. i like the idea of doing "sun salutations" in the sacred valley while facing east.

i love book stores. i love browsing, and i love buying books. it's like finding a special stone on the beach. sometimes i wish i could buy a whole bunch at once, but that would be pointless and take away my opportunities for multiple visits to the book store. i love walking around surrounded by books. it's like a sea of potential. each book containing a tale true or not. it's so beautiful and so promising. books almost have an energy to them, or at least provoke excitement. oh how i love them. i want to read them all. i would love to design a book jacket some day. that would be wonderful.

you can stay if you want to,
but you can't sleep in my bed.

swing

today i did two things for the very first time.

1) i left the water running in the kitchen when i went into my bedroom, forgot about it, then the water overflowed all over the floor.

2) i preached.

i'd been feeling a little bit nervous, but i had a lot of people giving me encouragement, so by the time i arrived at next this morning i was fairly calm and ready. unfortunately, when tim pulled up my powerpoint presentation all my photos were missing. that is very odd, because i work with powerpoint at work all the time, and i've never had that problem before. the thing about that was, that as a graphic designer, THAT'S what's gonna get me flustered – i'm very perfectionistic about design stuff. i managed to scramble and find almost all of them. it turned out to be both good and bad – i was too preoccupied to get nervous, but also too preoccupied to chat with the people who had come to next specifically to see me. the butlers came, melissa, and both my parents. anyways, i'm very grateful that as i presented my sermon i felt really comfortable, i wasn't nervous at all. and i remembered to say everything i wanted, fairly articulately too :) i was pleased with how it went, and honestly found the whole experience positive. i really learned a lot. i THINK they'll eventually post it online, if they can get it working. i'll let you know when it's available in case you're listening.

afterwards melissa came with me to sunday lunch. when we first arrived my mom told me that she'd been weepy in the car on her drive home. i asked her why, and she started crying again. she said it was because i'd done so well with my sermon, and that she was so proud of me. she said that i'm everything she'd always hoped i'd be and she was just so thankful. that was very nice, and it made me cry a little bit too because i can't think of a better compliment coming from her.

when i got home, i laid on the couch for a while, just curled up with a smile on my face. i felt content and satisfied. it felt good to have that done, and i was pleased with how it turned out (didn't stumble, repeat myself unnecessarily, didn't forget anything). after that, i started packing for peru – onto my next adventure. things are going ok. i'm pretty good at cramming stuff in. as of right now i don't think my backpack is even half full yet. i found it odd and surprising that at mid-july i was digging in my closet for a pair of mitts and a toque to take on vacation with me. i can't believe it's less than a week now. exciting!

to claim the victory jesus won.

lookout

i sat on my balcony in the pouring rain. i was curled up in my camper chair, away from the wet. the sound on the awning above me was heavenly. the rain was heavy as lightening struck directly north of me, followed by it's corresponding thunder. it was beautiful. the whole time the sun shone strongly and boldly to my left. very beautiful.

in one week from now jill and i will be in miami getting ready to board a plane to south america. that makes me smile.

my mom and i went to the buskers this afternoon. i found that odd seeing as one of my two mom-related buskers memories is her saying she hates the buskers, and that she feels like it's evil. my other memory involves me dropping my ice cream cone on the ground. apparently her feeling about the buskers has changed, and as far as i'm concerned, this more tempered opinion of the buskers is more appropriate. anyways, there was one act where this guy had to catch this other guy while he fell head first towards the pavement before he hit ground. it was impressive, but what really struck me is that they made two attempts at it. the first time the altered it so he landed on his feet, the second time he fell head first as planned and the other guy caught him. i was quite amazed to see that the catcher was indeed truly afraid. which is legitimate – his friend would've been paralyzed or possibly killed. i like getting glimpses of people's humanity.

only God knows i'm trying my best,
but i'm just so tired of this loneliness.

stethoscope

they are all out there. and i'm right here.

i walked up princess street on my own. surrounded by the influx of suburbanites. i'm certain many of them only venture downtown during the buskers. i find it annoying. i sat in saigon delights eating dinner, trying to read by book, with a large loud middle-class family behind me. it was not as enjoyable as i had hoped/expected. sometimes living alone makes me extremely sensitized to volume, and kind of overwhelmed by unruly children.

on this beautiful summer evening i sat at my computer working on my powerpoint slides for my sermon on sunday. they turned out really nicely actually. when i was done, i tried to run thru my sermon again, only to get bored and tired halfway thru. i'll try again tomorrow. i worry that i'll be repetitive and that my segways will be weak. i find talking much harder than writing. i can articulate myself much better in writing.

there seems to be a missing element. something is missing. i don't know what it is. i don't think something is lost so much as it's simply absent.

is anyone interested in going raspberry picking and/or to see the new harry potter movie with me this coming week? i want to do both those things before my vacation. i'm even thinking about going to see hp on friday night before i take the bus to the airport at 2 am. lemme know.

need is always pending on how much you can get.

snap

i love that commercial where the guy calls in "tired" to work. i seriously wish being tired was a legitimate reason to miss a day. i would've made that call this morning. i was nauseous i was so tired. it seems to me that my internal clock has more than 24 hours. i wonder how long my days would be if i could sleep for as long as i want, work for as long as i want, and have as much free time as i want.

i should go. i'd be doing myself a massive favour if i was in bed on time.

i need to connect.

the only pain is to feel nothing at all.

heebeegeebees

eliane got fired yesterday. i've never met her before, but she does my job for another division just outside of montreal. my counterpart. when the knickers told me she seemed like she was trying to calm me or stop me from worrying frantically that i'd be next. as i've told you before, i don't really care. but she seems to assume my job is my everything, and the reality is SHE'S probably more alarmed by this than i am. i'm the last internal design in the communications department. as much as i don't think getting fired is the worst thing in the world, i feel badly for eliane. there's a lot of speculation left behind, and no dignity in it for her. she worked for the company for 20 years. there's no loyality in business. yet another reason not to sell your soul to your job.

i'm seriously starting to get vacation fever. my mind is slowly making an exodus and i'm not able to concentrate at work. i'm too buzzed and ready to go. only 10 more days! i'm looking forward to seeing jill, i want to give her a hi-ten. is that what they're called? hi-ten? like, two hi-fives at once.

i like that i'm slowly becoming a lending library. i'm tempted to buy a notebook to record who has what. i don't want to lose track of my book collection. apparently that would make for 6 notebooks that i have on the go. i had no idea i had so many different notebooks, but apparently i do. bren just made me one out of an old record album. it's very cool.

i'm somewhat particle to liking people who like me (by 'people' i really do mean 'people', not boys – although boys do count as people). i kind of hate that about myself, even though it's probably really natural. i mostly don't like how i don't like people who don't like me. i wish i could be more loving than that.

take my love in real small doses.

lasso

guess what mayelin and i did tonight?!?!?!

we went to treasure chest bingo! i'd never played bingo before (at least not at a fancy bingo hall), so it was quite exciting. similarly to my experience at the casino, i was fascinated by the people. there were some serious bingo players there – most had 5 to 8 dabbers on the go at once, some even had homemade carrier cases for said dabbers. it was amazing. unlike at the casino, it's quite hard to win. the other bingo players are fast, some of them had 3 sheets of 3 on the go at one time. but besides that, the chances to win are much slimmer than on the slots. it took me some time to get into the swing of things. we got a six-game pad, and there are 3 rounds on each pad. plus, we got the lightening round pad that contained 4 sheets with 3 rounds. not bad for 9 bux! i would totally go to a bingo hall on a first date. it would be hilarious. it's the kind of environment where that allows for conversation between games, and yet is still an amusing activity.

i like the city name "brussels" because it ends in an s. i like it because it's plural. are there any other cities that end in s's? i hope so, but i can't think of any.

i've started counting how many times in one day i see that word. so far today it's been six times. 6 TIMES! i'm being haunted!!! i liked it better when that word carried no significance, when it was simply a word.

sometimes you tell me what i already know.

i love the smell of skunk.

you're ever welcome with me any time you like.

trajectory

last night i woke up during the really bad thunderstorm. it was probably the worst thunderstorm i've ever heard. i laid there listening to the clashes of thunder. it was actually quite beautiful. i could hear the wind gusting, and what sounded like hail on my balcony. so i got up to look out the window. when i went back into my bedroom and got back into bed, a wave of aloneness hit me. i feel most alone in the night while in my single bed and i remember that no one thinks of me. sometimes in the darkness, when i'm all by myself, i feel like a little girl again and wonder how it is that i'm even allowed to live alone. how did i get to be a grown-up with a place of her own with no one to tuck me in at night. it's a surreal feeling. it's probably just the nighttime, the nighttime is surreal.

sometimes i wonder why i live alone. yes, housemates can sometimes be annoying, but even my cats – who are kind of like housemates – annoy me sometimes, like REALLY annoy me. having to learn to live with annoyance is part of life, part of relationships.

i wriggled appreciatively.

wizard

i finally got to go strawberry picking!!

beck and i went up to her cottage this weekend, and managed to make it to a strawberry place up near ardoch that was open. the strawberries were small, and sparse, but we managed to get almost a whole basket.

this afternoon i took my canoe chair and sat in the grass across the street from my house. the sun was warm and my chair was cozy. i sat writing my sermon for an hour and a half. it was a beautiful afternoon and i so enjoyed sitting in the grass.

err... yes... i'm preaching next sunday :S it's my first sermon ever. my initial reaction when asked was "no way", but then i thought "it's something i've never done before, so maybe i should try it". so i agreed. i've actually quite enjoyed thinking about the topic, hashing it out in my brain. i'm the kind of person who needs something to challenge my mind or else i get worked up about trivial matters. i didn't really plan to write it all out, but i ended up finding that the easiest way to sort out my thoughts. i wanted to organize it so that it went from A to B to C to D, instead of leaving it scattered like a game of pick-up sticks. i feel ok about it. i do hope it goes well.

i read a great line in my book this week (i'm reading 'the fifth business' by robertson davies)....
"i was afraid and i didn't know what i feared, which is the worst kind of fear". man, i love words. i love lyrics. i know when a song or book is well written when i wish i'd written it.

i should get into bed but i've just started putting together a photo album on facebook :S

i can't help but wonder what's gone wrong.

robo-boogie

i'd like to join a book club.
does anyone know of one in ktown that i'd be able to join?
i don't know how people join book clubs, but i think it would be fun and good.
i like books.
i like talking.
i like talking about books.
i like talking about books with people.
i like talking with people.
i like people.

the book of right-on's right-on,
it was right-on.

bixi

i love love love montreal.
and i love david too. so i consider myself quite lucky to have enjoyed the pleasure of two of my favourite things at once.

i drove straight from work, traffic was quite good until i was almost at david's place – then i got stuck for quite a while. on the way there i tried to go fast, but not too fast that i'd get a ticket. as i drove i tried to come up with the most creative excuse to give a cop if i was presented with an opportunity. i figured no matter what i say it won't make a difference, so i might as well give him something of a story ("one time, this girl told me...."). so far i haven't come up with anything....

david lives in a great neighbourhood (he's just there for a couple more weeks, it was a 2 month sojourn), and as i drove there i noticed how livable montreal is. no major congested traffic, lots of trees, houses not apartments, everything close by. if i have to leave kingston someday, i'm hoping i'll end up in montreal. if i move to either toronto or ottawa i would be seriously disappointed, because they don't hold a candle to montreal.

he took me out to o.noir for dinner. it's a restaurant where the staff are all blind (which is great because blind people struggle to find gainful employment) and the patrons eat in the dark. how it works is when you arrive you are given a locker for your belongings, you order from the menu, then your waiter comes to get you. we lined up like a row of elephants, waiter first, david second with his left hand on the waiters left shoulder, then me last with my left hand on david's left shoulder (and my right hand in david's right hand – it's a little nerve wracking). the server was very kind and helpful, actually i'd even go so far as to say "supportive". everytime he came to our table he asked how we were doing, and i'm pretty sure it was to make sure we were not having panic attacks. the room was COMPLETELY BLACK. i've NEVER seen such darkness before. it was AMAZING! almost immediately i noticed that david's watch had a slight glow and i asked him to put it in his pocket because my eyes were fixated on it because it was the ONLY thing i could see. we hunched over the table, trying to get our barrings. our first course was an avocado salad that we shared, and eventually ate with our fingers. our second course was steak, potatoes and asparagus (everything came precut). as we ate we talked and laughed in regular david+lesley fashion, but there was something about the dark that reminded me of pillowtalk or a sleepover – when people are unguarded. after a while i just sat with my eyes closed because there was just no point to having them open, the sensation was the same just without the "effort" of keeping my eyes open. we had dessert too. the thing i liked about the darkness was that i only ate until i was full and not until my plate was empty. after going back into the light it took some time for our eyes to adjust, and i felt a little dizzy. it was really fun.

afterwards we headed down to the jazz festival that just opened that day, because stevie wonder was giving a free concert in the street. it seemed really appropriate having just eaten at o.noir, it was easier to imagine how stevie experiences the world. we called it our "blind date" :D

it started to rain so we went back to his house where we sat talking for a couple hours, he's living with some mcgill students, but they were no were to be seen. around 1:30 or 2 we headed out to get a cup of tea from his neighbourhood second cup then we walked thru "the plateau" to his favourite park. the streets were full of people. it was fun. we eventually went to bed at around 3:30.

the next morning we got up around 11:30, and headed down to old port for "breakfast". we went to this really awesome restaurant (i don't remember what it's called) that's outside in an old gutted building. it was beautiful, and the food was so tastey.

here's a picture of my gorgeous friend david in the anonymous restaurant.

we hung out the rest of the day in old port. there was a lot going on down there, which surprised me because i didn't expect montrealers to be into canada day. there were a ton of events and people, which was cool because i enjoy a crowd. d and i like people watching, so it suited us nicely. there were parachuters, michael jackson dancing lessons, etc. i was feeling like a bit of an exhibitionist so i suggested we go on a horse+buggy ride. it was fun, except our guide talked a LOT and kept trying to pick up women as we rode around. before heading up to the village we walked up the clock-tower (which was apparently built to rival london's big ben, which we thought was a very shabby attempt, because compared to big ben it was kind of lame – although there was a nice breeze at the top and i liked the graffiti).

on the buggy...
(notice my skull+cross bones shirt??)

we headed up to the village to get a drink at starbucks. i didn't go there last time, i felt i should go with someone who belonged or else i'd feel like a spy or like i was gawking at them having gone there as a tourist. we got root beers, and after we sat down found it was too hot so decided to walk up the street a little. as we stroled i commented to david that our root beers totally looked like regular beers, and sure enough about 10 minutes later i was approached by a cop and had to explain to him i was not drinking in public. we sat down for a good ten minutes, and when i was ready to go i reached for my bag to discover it was GONE! my head was spinning. where had i left it?!?!? who had pinched it!?!?! i tried to not freak-out and comforted myself with the fact that i'd left my car keys at david's place, so at the very least i could get home. david ran back to starbucks and THANKFULLY(!) it was still there. PHEW!!!

the village was an interesting place. full of lots of different kinds of people, and most definitely had more men than women. there was an art installation that included laundry hanging from wires, it was really cool, it went down the street for as far as the eye could see. while we headed back to the nearest metro station, i crossed paths with michel (!) my coworker who i hungout with while i was there last year. i'm a huge fan of michel, so it was very cool to bump into him. i'd told him i was going to be there, so he wasn't that surprised to see me. it's still funny that in ALL of montreal i bumped into him, BUT it WAS the village so that does increase the likeliness, it's kind of his neck of the woods.


anyways, it was a really fun 24 hours. i didn't clock-watch at all, i was just enjoying myself so much that i decided i'd leave when i was ready. if i got home late i got home late. i actually did leave at a decent time (7:30), and david made me a sandwich for the road (he's so great), but unfortunately, on my way out of the city i got stuck in bad traffic again. i eventually noticed that it was just my lane that was going SUPER slow, the two closest to me were going slow but not crawling. every other directions were moving nicely, so i knew that wasn't typical for montreal. it turned out we were delayed because of a really big puddle. kind of annoying, but if i knew the city better i probably could have avoided sitting there for 45 minutes :S

well... this was a super long entry. but everything mentioned was important to me for one reason or another.

could this be true?
it all comes down to you.

blind date

i had an indescribably good time in montreal.

shampoo

i seriously damaged my knee/leg at the gas station today walking in to some metal pole thing. i think the bone is bruised. it made yoga class quite difficult at times. i walked to the Y this evening, and walked home afterwards. i don't walk to enough places. i liked walking down the stairs and out the door, down the road and around the corner. it's amazing to think how far walking can take us if we just keep going. i didn't read, i didn't listen to my ipod. just walked and observed and listened to the sound of the wind in the leaves. beautiful.

tomorrow after work i'm motoring to montreal to spend canada day with david. i like this concept of having a weekend in the middle of the week. i'm super thrilled because i LOVE montreal, and i'm mildly crazy about david too. i suspect that my workday will be very dreary and dull because i'll be anxious to hit the road. we have reservations at the blind restaurant at 9. i should go pack and get into bed. i was watching the tv today (actually, i'm re-watching the flight of the conchords) and was reminded of how much i love getting bed when i'm not completely exhausted or in a rush because i'm late.

if i could just connect all these dots,
the truth would tumble like a cynic vexed by love.

spiderweb

several summers ago, when i fell in love with watermelons, i vowed to never try carrying one home from the grocery store ever again. in spite of that, i tried several more times, until i came to accept that it was too much for me. i made a little compromise today. i took a super long bike ride (in the rain unfortunately, but it was ok) with my knapsack, stopping at no frills on the way back, and bought a watermelon. it was still really heavy, but manageable. it thru off my balance a little. in a way, i feel like it prepared me some for my heavy backpack in peru. when i got home i weighted the watermelon on my bathroom scale, and it was 10 whole pounds.

i watched "the women" this evening. it was ok. i mention it because i felt it borrowed from the concept behind sex and the city – 4 very different women who are super tight friends. meh.

on my way home from sunday lunch i stopped at value village and purchased a few new items of clothes. i thought it would be prudent to acquire a pair of pants that zip-off into shorts – save some space in my backpack by having hybrid clothes. i like what i got, althought i noticed the prices have gone up there. almost all the tops i got were $5.99, and i swear i never used to spend more that $2.99 or $3.99 on t-shirts there. i'm unimpressed by that. i got this one shirt that is very uncharacteristic of me – it's covered in skull+crossbones. i know... weird huh? but i liked it and went back to the rack for it after a few minutes of pondering. i think it and my new shorts will be my new favourite outfit.

the evening is passing quickly. i'm going to TRY and make good use of it.

tell me what to do.
now the tank is dry.
now this wheel is flat.

sounds

today i crashed an 8 year old's birthday party. an 8 year old i didn't know. and still somehow managed to get a cupcake out of the deal.

last night i went to the butler's place and enjoyed their company, the newlywed stubleys, and seeing rachel too. it was really nice hangin' out. the boys took off to the movies, while jo, sarah, and i sat on the couch watching sarah's birth video of tigerlily being born. it was quite incredible – incredibly painful looking, but also really remarkable. i'm so glad it worked out well and that she arrived safely.

bren told me today that i'm surprisingly well adjusted all things considered. that's a relief. i've concluded that's a good sign.

while i was downtown doing some errands this afternoon i felt something hit the back of my leg, when i looked i discovered that my knitting needle had fallen out of my bag, and a second one was about to go. i tried to find the remaining 2, and one was missing. i back-tracked the whole way, searching for my double-ended needle, but had to give up after not finding anything. BUT when i got home i found it inside my ball of yarn :S these are the moments that make up my life... looking for knitting needles on the sidewalk on saturday afternoons. i'm a giant nerd.

i'm kind of starting to get organized for peru. i picked up a phrase book today and a travel alarm clock. i'm going to print out all the papers this week at work and confirm our remaining reservation. it's hard to know how to pack. i really don't want to bring too much stuff "just in case". we leave in 3 weeks! i can't believe it!

these are days of slow boats and false starts.

ansaphone

i finally finished the twilight series today. it was freakin' huge. it was a fun read, i wouldn't say it was the best series i've read, but was very good. like i said... fun. i will say this about stephanie meyer, she kept me guessing the whole way, there was NOTHING predictable about that 2250 page series. and that's quite the accomplishment. i've moved on to a new book that bren lent me called "fifth business" by robertson davies. so far it reminds me a little of a prayer for owen meany. i love the line "then the unforseen took over". i love it when the unforseen takes over.

i'm totally covered in mosquito bites. i leave my screen door onto the balcony open all the time while i'm at home – except for when i'm in bed. that's probably why :S

every door i ever tried was locked.

ordinary

i stood at the intersection on my bike. i waited for the cars to pass so i could carry on my way. i began to notice the people in the cars. their facial expressions, their passengers, their vehicles – you can learn a lot about someone in just a few seconds. a black truck approached and as i turned my eyes to the driver he turned his gaze towards me. our eyes locked, i knew him, and it was clear that he knew me too. it was a loaded moment. a pregnant pause. it was nice to discover that although time has past that i was not forgotten.

i'm different to you. you are different to me. we are not the same. may we find common ground instead of invading land that doesn't belong to us.

hm, i think the last guy i had a crush on might be seeing someone. this sucks because i thought he just needed some time, but it turns out he just wasn't into me. the worst part is that she has the same first name as me, only spelled different. oh well, i'll just delete him from facebook, then crawl into bed and forget about it. forget about him. i've never deleted anyone from facebook before, i feel kind of guilty. but it's ok, he won't notice, so no harm done.

i have no doubt one day the sun will come out.

cigars

sometimes instead of having a glass ceiling i feel like i'm stuck in a glass dome – surrounded on every side.

for the second time in a week shanno the raging feminist and i tried to go strawberry picking, and our efforts were thwarted – AGAIN! argh! this time we actually went there only to find a locked gate and a "sorry, we're closed" sign. that was disappointing. so i took her to grass creek park where we walked along the sandy beach with our feet in the water, sat in a big willow tree, and stood upon small limestone peninsula.

when i got home from hanging out in trees with shan i suddenly felt a strong desire for a dq blizzard, so i quickly hopped in the car and drove down to my local dq. as i drove there i thought about how great it is that the downtown location stays open til 1 am – so convenient! except, on the way i discovered that all the traffic lights were out, and dq was closed – along with all the other nearby merchants. i have NO idea what was going on, so instead i came home and had a glass of juice and a mushroom. much less satisfying.

we discovered tonight that i bought my first car before shannon had her first training bra. i'm THAT much older than her. she said with awe "i forget you're so old!" that made me laugh. i like it, i've got all these extra years under my belt, it's great!

mosquitoes are like tiny vampires.

sometimes i try to imagine myself in the grocery store of life. what would i put in my cart right now if everything was available to me? what would i take? what would i leave for next time? what would i gladly skip. it's interesting, it seems to help me keep things in perspective.

uh-oh, SOMEBODY'S late for bed.

i see God come in my garden
but i don’t know what he said
for my heart it wasn’t open.

superheros

everything i want is to my right, with the exception of three essential things to my left.

it's a beautiful day. and a beautiful night. i've been sitting out on my balcony curled up in a blanket for the last hour. i sat in silence. the only sound i heard was a siren a few blocks away and the wind in the tree out front. the sun has set and the sky is fading like dying embers.

you can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes you might find
you get what you need.

wanderlust

it stinks that it poured most of today, but tomorrow it's going to be sunny with a high of 25. argh. oh well. skeleton park music festival continued in spite of the rain. it was good, but a lot less fun than usual due to the weather. there was no where to sit because it was yucky! however by evening things improved and shannon and i sat on a garbage bag. bruce peninsula were the best, they really are a fantastic band, and are very interesting to watch.

my dad appeared and had the opportunity to meet some of my friends. he knows a lot of people and is very extroverted. i sometimes forget until i introduce him to people. he's the only person in my family who likes things like spmf. joy & tim came last year but felt a little out of their element.

oh my goodness, i BADLY need to crack my big toe right now. it hurts so much but it won't crack! awww! ow! times like this it would be handy to have a housemate to help me out of a jam.

i saw a great assortment of galoshes in the park today. a huge percentage of people were wearing them, and everyone's were different. it was neat. i sure do like galoshes.

bren, shan and i made a craft at the kids table (even though we're grown-ups). we made god's eyes, they're really neat, and very easy to do.

i feel really chilly. being damp leaves a "not so warm" feeling.

we live our life for the ride.

puppet

shannon and i were planning on strawberry picking tonight. but apparently strawberry picking season starts tomorrow so that spoiled our plans. instead we went bike riding and ended up at margaritaville for strawberry daiquiris. it was a great idea. todd had told us in advance that margaritaville is a dude bar and that it would be full of dudes. i'd never noticed before, but it totally IS. it was quite obvious from the time we arrived and we felt their eyes on us. eventually it became apparent that we were in the middle of some kind of meat market and people were hitting on each other and buying each other drinks. it was rather surreal. regardless, we still liked the chips & salsa, and the drinks. i think we'd go again, it wasn't bad for a VERY occassional diversion from the regular.

while we were on our bike ride we stopped at a park and sat on some big limestone rocks. we noticed a groundhog and made "aww" sounds at it, then continued chatting. a while later shannon noticed a red fox. we thought he was pretty cute too and were amazed at all the wild-life in ktown. the fox moved closer and seemed to be stalking something, i was hoping it was just a bird or one of the ducks in the pond (but not the adorable mallard ducklings that passed us in the river). he moved closer to the groundhog, and was quite clearly stalking it! i was certain nothing would happen, it was perposterous, they were almost the same size! but sure enough, the fox attacked the groundhog. i started freaking out, waving my hands at my face, saying "shannon, make him stop!", while shannon was already calling out to him, trying to break them up. eventually she ran all the way over to them and the fox trotted away, while the groundhog had managed to get inside it's burrow. we think it was safe. we then took to calling the fox profanities to calm ourselves. it was like national geographic right in front of us!

i wish i could call my mom right now to tell it to call off the troops. but it's too late and she'd already be in bed. i'll have to do it tomorrow. my stance will not have changed before morning. i wish my pride didn't smart so much. i'm back at square minus one.

haha, i just came across this on the internet and it made me laugh:

Good Idea: Getting to know someone by asking them on a date.

Bad Idea: Getting to know someone by Googling them and reading their entire blog.

that's good rule of thumb. i think everyone should follow it.

if you love me
won't you let me know?

juice box

i learned something today; i learned that golfing in the rain makes my pants fall down.

today was the second annual bombardier golf tournament. unlike last time, the weather was awful. but i donned my raincoat and galoshes, and got out there on the course. we played 9 holes. i'm not very good, and didn't really improve any but i still had fun. marilyn rented a cart and sometimes let me drive it. i liked that, golf carts are like go-carts but funner. i took it up hills and thru big puddles. i had to floor it but still went really slow. eventually she and i figured out a technique that enabled me to be a passenger while dragging my club cart along beside us. it was fun. marilyn is reckless similarly to me. am i reckless? i just said then wondered if i am or not. i think i'm fairly reckless. the stuff i'm careful with are usually things i've damaged at some time or another. anyways, i really like that about marilyn. she feels like an equal, i can talk to her like a girl-friend. my favourite part of today was driving around with her. it really confirmed the fact that i enjoy watching sporting events more than i like participating in them, and in those cases i have to know someone who's playing so i can cheer/be interested. i really do like cheering.

i got pretty soaked and it feels yucky. i'm going to one of the skeleton park music festival shows tonight, but i feel so damp that it's icky. even though i changed my clothes i still feel cold. i should probably go, i'm already late.

somethings buzzing in my ear, it's all too loud.

axe

it's always nice when people discover i'm a lot more competent then they realized. i have much more life experience than she expected. i'm hoping she realized that she's only scratched the service and that i'm an iceberg unknown to her.

i forgot my lunch this morning. but i made the conscience decision not to let that make me pissed off, or let it ruin my day. the ironic thing is that i forgot to pick up my lunchbox because my arms were full of rain gear so i could still go walking at lunch even if it rained. but then i still wasn't able to go because we had a united way committee meeting. what did i eat you ask? well i have a stash of stuff in my draw for just such an occasion – it wasn't my first time :p

if you love me
won't you let me know?

muffin top

this evening i went for a bike ride. i figured i'd take the long way down to classic video to return a movie. as i biked i passed all sorts of people i know. i frantically waved at them and carried on my merry way. i was intentional about waving frantically; i hoped it would compensate for the fact that i wasn't stopping to say hello. i couldn't! i was on a mission. my bike ride was a work-out, not just a leisurely ride thru the neighbourhoods of our great city. when i arrived at classic, i was wooed by it's new releases sign and ended up renting the first and second disc of weeds season 4. as i left i wondered how the heck i was going to get thru 10 episodes in 4 days. i have no idea. my schedule this week doesn't particularly allow for hours in front of the television. but i'm a sucker for my favourite shows on dvd. i will find a way. in fact, i might hit the "publish post" button and go watch another episode right now.

sometimes i hate being in the spotlight. it makes me feel awkward and fidgety.

adios!

i don't wanna battle from beginning to end.

free

blogger won't let me log-in. so i'm trying this newfangled way thru my gmail. it's like writing an email, but when i sent it it's supposed to post on my blog. (mental note: do not accidentally send personal emails to pspd). i've been kind of intrigued by this concept and have been awaiting an opportunity to try it out. this is exciting.....

i kind of love that writing a blog entry via gmail is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in the last week. things are quite quiet in my head and home these days. it's pretty rare for me to feel this at peace. what amazes me the most is that i'm ENJOYING the peace. usually i get freaked out by calmness, as though it's simply the eye of the storm. i don't mind, because i'm sure that something randomly exciting will happen to me again in the near future. i don't need excitement every day. routine does not beget excitement.

francisco is trying to teach me some spanish before i go to peru (july 18). today we greeted each other "buenos dias", then he said me "that's good morning, what's good afternoon?", i looked at him sheepishly and suggested "buenos afternoon?". he rolled his eyes and said "oh $!#@, we have a long way to go..." but i think i've gotten the hang of it. good afternoon is "buenos tardes".

this afternoon i spent $4.50 on this week's groceries. i think that's a record low. i rewarded myself by going to canadian tire and picking up a few odds & ends that i've been needing (an oven lightbulb, a wood broom pole, etc). i LOVE getting things off my mental "to-do" list. i get a deep sense of satisfaction out of it.

so come over
just be patient
and don't worry

touch

sunday lunch • viva la vida • driving with the windows down • sun • wind turbines • butter tarts • harmony • balcony • phone book • searching • finding • rabbit-proof fence • snacks • comfy couch • good company • time • peace • connection • cups of tea • red wine • hugs • breeze • clean laundry • laughs • toes • classic video • flip flops • blue toenail polish • quiet • light sleep • bead • flight of the concordes • skittles • secrets • love

it's such a perfect day.

every once in a while.....

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vote

to my surprise, i discovered that i'm more shallow than i thought. i've been needing a new pair of birks since last summer when i got a hole in my sole. i went to my favourite birk shoe store (thanasis – best prices in town), and looked thru the selection. i've had the same style of birks for the last 10 years – black with 3 straps – i've bought replacements 3 times, all exactly the same. but i noticed a lady wearing a different style and i quite liked it, so i thought i'd try something different. when i was at the shoe store i couldn't see the exact style i was looking for, but found something else. i tried them on, and hummed + hawed, until i decided to do it. they're more delicate than i'm used it, more grown-up. but they're also kind of funky. i think it'll take me some time to get used to. when i got them home and put them on, my stomach dropped when i discovered they weren't birkenstocks, they were "birki's" i was quite confused because they seemed exactly the same as birks, but i immediately wanted to take them back. they weren't "real birkenstocks", and this bothered me a lot, "what would people think?!?!" yes, i know, that's preposterous. and i'm ashamed that that thought even passed thru my head. i looked closer at them, they were still good quality, and they were comfortable, and slightly less expensive. so i finally swallowed hard and accepted the fact that i did not have a brand-name sandle :S funnily enough, when i was searching for a photo for the link above i discovered that birki's are a line of shoes made by birkenstock. so i got what i wanted AND learned a valuable lesson. i hang my head in shame.

if i lived closer to the bulk barn i think i'd shop there often. i bought some spices there today for dirt cheap! i feel like i've awoken to the bulk barn. what a fabulous store! you get a lot of quantity without the excess packaging or brand-names (as we've just discovered, i am sometimes swayed by such things – at least when i believe it's a question of quality). i raise my glass to toast the bulk barn.

rach lent me season one of "flight of the concordes". it's all the rage at storytellers, the whole gang really likes it, and i can see why! within minutes i was a fan. so great.

the only peace i get is from hearing your voice.

balloons

it finally happened.... my worst fear since i got my first email account. i've been afraid that i'll accidentally send an email to the wrong person. today it finally happened. thankfully the person i'd accidentally sent the email to was david, and it was intended for melissa. this is a good thing because there's nothing i wouldn't talk to david about, so regardless of the content it was ok for him to have read it. i love that he figured out that the email wasn't for him when he read "you're cool and have taught me words like diuretic". hopefully this experience has taught me to be more careful in the future, because david may not be on the receiving end of all my misdirected emails.

i donated blood tonight. it seems my veins are quite narrow and they weren't able to get a whole pint out of me. i knew my veins were small because they have difficulty tapping into one each time, but i didn't realize it affected how much blood they were able to extract from me. it was a busy place in there, i saw 4 people that i knew. i might not be able to donate next time because i'll have just arrived back from peru. matt was denied recently because of our trip to mexico, but they told me that puerto villarta was ok. i'm pretty sure i don't have malaria, or am a malaria carrier. i liked reading the twilight series at the blood bank. and i liked how warm the tube of blood was on my arm.

i want him to eat his heart out.

i’m not waiting for this to come to that.

reconnaissance

so far this cleaning one room a night thing is going excellently! tonight i did the back porch, it looks great – i was very thorough. there was crap out there from 2 summers ago :S i feel very satisfied each time i pass thru there, and it didn't take very long either. since i didn't bite off more than i could chew i also cleaned out my refrigerator. it was much over due. it's completely barren now, like a wasteland. looking at my fridge there's no denying that i'm a bachelorette :D i kind of like that. anyways, i've resolved to put things where i can see them, or else they slip into the blackhole that is the back of my fridge.

melissa came for dinner tonight – she brought it with her. i like when friends bring food to my house, because i like having company, but i'm not super comfortable cooking for others. it was not the first time she's done that, beckie does it too.

it's interesting the glimpse one gets at someone's life thru their facebook status. not just the information they say, but the things they choose to share. it also shows how creative or funny people are. it's easy to tell the different between a creative person and a more serious person from their status.

i've thrown logic out the window. logic is illogical. for me at least. there are just way too many balls in the air to expect to figure everything out using logic. i think my gut is more often correct than my logic.

and i'm gonna stretch so tall,
gonna break the sky above me.

brain/storm

sometimes i think we lose even when we win.

it seems there is an upside to doing things i don't want to do... getting to do things i DO want to do. the reality is, we can't have two things at once. we can't eat everything we want in excess and still expect to be fit, we can't sleep all day and still expect to have a job, we can't not work and still expect to have money, we can't say whatever we want and still expect people to like us, we can't never do housework and still expect to have a clean+tidy house. so i guess the end result makes the effort worth it, i'm just hoping that one of these days doing good will become first nature, and it won't require so much effort. my current project is (not a surprise) cleaning my house, but my plan is to tidy one room each day, and just continue in that cycle. if i do a small amount each day it shouldn't be too hard to maintain. i'll keep you posted.

i biked to yoga class tonight. it seems i only takes about 6 and a half minutes to get to the YMCA from the m centre on a bicycle. handy. bikes really aren't much slower then cars in short distances. i love how my bicycle helmet looks like a motorcycle helmet. i love that some day i'll have a real motorcycle helmet because some day i'll have my very own vespa :) man, it's gonna be so rad.....

i was telling my table-mates at jo's wedding what an esthetically pleasing name i have. check this out....

Lesley McKnight

isn't that a beaut? i love the ascending and descending letters. nice mixture, the capital K really adds something i think. i'm not just saying this because it's my name, i've just noticed because i've looked at it my entire life. Tigerlily is also quite attractive, sarah did well. i find it interesting that my last name has 8 letters but only one vowel.

i tried to be good,
but i wasn't very good at it.

cleavage

i wonder what percentage of the day i spend trying to behave contrary to my instincts. fighting my emotions in favour of my mind. ignoring the urge to run and hug my friend, repressing my desire to write a certain email, smothering a harsh comment from coming out of my mouth, stopping my craving for junk-food, forcing myself awake when i'd rather be sleeping, making myself do housework. i seriously think i spend most of my time counter-intuitively. no wonder i feel exhausted. don't get me wrong, these decisions are probably good. actually they're probably the best decisions, but it's a difficult practice, and i wish it didn't require so much energy to be good and well behaved. i suppose that's why it's called self-discipline. i just wish i didn't have to inhibit my uninhibited self. *sigh* one of these days, perhaps, my mind, heart, and body may align and become synchronized. then peace and love will reign in my noggin.

i'm hoping for some hope.

i like that you know me by name, because you're still little more than a mystery to me.

we'll cast some light and you'll be alright.

tension

i'm becoming quite a fan of napping. for me, the key to a successful nap is to avoid REM sleep. because if i reach that level of sleep i'm too grumpy when i wake up. i just passed out on the couch accidentally, it was unavoidable. the afternoon has been pleasant, warm, i could hear the wind in the trees and feel it blow thru my window. the kitties where playing, and my balcony door was wide open. i allowed myself to slip away in contentment. lovely.

i didn't have to work yesterday :D as part of the united way committee, i participated in the "day of caring" where we volunteered doing manual labour at a united way funded facility. we were at interval house, i painted. i was very impressed with their set-up, very professional, well equipped, and safe. it was very eye-opening. it really hit me the number of women and children that go thru there every year, in KINGSTON! it was very sobering, and i tip my hat to the people who serve to protect these girls and their children.

it was a great day, i was able to WALK to interval house, and it gave me a taste of what it would be like to work downtown. FABULOUS. i got home at a good time and biked over to joy's place for caleb's 4th birthday party. my mom and i had had a misunderstanding about his gift and both of us thought the other one was picking it up. so i borrowed her car and took joelle with me to the store. it was fun. she chatted away to me from the backseat and held my hand as we shopped. it was a neat feeling – taking care of her in public like that. she's getting so big, almost 6 and has her first loose tooth.

today was joanna's canadian wedding day. i drove with michelle and kelly. i'd never been to an anglician wedding before, i suspect its very similar to a catholic wedding. i was kind of excited to do the eucharist during the service, kneeling at the front and being given a waffer. i wanted them to hold the gobblet up to my mouth so i could drink directly from it, but the lady who served me didn't do that so i had to just dip my waffer in it. it was weird tasting wine, but we figured it didn't come from the liquor store :S that being said, i don't think i could attend a traditional church regularly. it was great to see jo, and i hope to see her at least once more before they go back to australia.

this evening i'm going to see star trek with sherri s-s. she saw my plea for a movie buddy and she emailed me because she hasn't seen it either. so handy having an weblog.

i've been thinking about you a lot lately. i almost wanted to write an entry as an open letter to you. instead i slept it off, dreaming a bit about you.

the sea is just a wetter version of the skies.

padlock

we peddled around kingston with a camera taking photos of graffiti and grumpled old licence plates. i borrowed melissa's big fancy camera so i could take some decent photos for my website. the website i registered for a while ago but haven't done anything with in over a month. i invited shannon to join me while i scoped out cool pictures, and figured i could use her as a prop. i quickly discovered that everything is beautiful when captured with a great camera. i'm really very pleased with the photos i took. i'm not exactly sure how i'm going to use them, i took 103 shots :S this is good, i'll be able to sort out the crap from the quality, and use the best ones. now all i need is to come up with some kind of application – how do i want to use these pictures. but i'm on the right track. this is good. plus it was super fun. i'm definitely going to have to purchase a good camera if i'm going to have my own design business. i'd love to show you the photos i took this evening, but i'm afraid i don't have the cord to download the pictures onto my computer, so another time. it was fun. definitely something to do again.

one of the most bizarre things we found this evening was the place ICE freezers go to die. on montreal street there's a whole fenced in parking lot full of ICE freezers. i'll show you when i get the photos from melissa. it was very puzzling. i can't imagine why they were all imprisoned there.

i like sitting on friends' beds listening to them talk about their blind date – what they're going to wear, talk about, feel afterwards. it's so much fun. i wish i had more casual dating friends. i wish i had more opportunities to casually date. but it's ok. i'll just get my entertainment elsewhere.

i still glance up that street, to look at that house everytime i pass. looking for a car i know i'll never seen. watching for a car i don't want to see. my habits never cease.

in hindsight, the waitress MIGHT have said "the other lady" instead of "the other lesbian".

ninety-nine dreams i have had –
every one a red balloon.

prison

you are like a bad song that's stuck in my head.

i tuned up my bicycle today and took it for my first ride of the season. yes, i AM rather late out of the gate this year, i've been procrastinating due to my rusty-chain and deflated tires. i'm pretty pleased with myself that i was able to tune it up all by myself, it rode SO smoothly. the smoothest i've ever known it to be – makes me wish i'd done this years ago. although, i will need some help with the gear-shift (it's stuck), i'll ask jonni about it next time i see him. i went for a fairly long ride, out to kingston pen, down beside the lake, past the far-side of the courthouse, then home again. it felt great. just like riding a bike :)

reading other people's emails (mail intended for other people) is a huge pick-me-up. that was the best laugh i've had all evening. i'm still wiping my eyes over it.

hey listen... would anyone like to go see the star trek movie with me? i haven't seen it yet and i don't have a movie buddy. i'm pretty flexible. lemme know if you're interested, seriously.

i think it's time for me to bid you adieu. until tomorrow, sleep well and dream dreams ;)

be my mirror,
my sword and shield.

engineers

ok so i'm taking this 7 habits of highly effective people training at work today and tomorrow. and i've got to say, it was the most interesting day at work that i've had in a long long time. i feel like i've learned a lot and hope to implement it. the most impacting thing i absorbed today was habit 2: start when the end in mind. this makes sense to me in terms of my dishes, because let's be honest, i really don't care if my dishes are done aside from the embarrassment of a filthy kitchen and slight inconvenience. yes, it does help my peace of mind when my house is clean, but that's not enough of a motivation for me. however, if i keep in mind that doing my dishes regularly = a clean house = having friends and family over regularly/having the freedom to go out and socialize at the drop of a hat, then i'm all game. so i did my dishes today reminding myself that i'm doing for the people i love much more than for myself, and that made me happy.

as part of this training we had to complete this self-evaluation, and send the same survey to our boss and some of our colleagues. i got the results of that today. i have so say, it seems the knickers was not paying attention very well, she marked me high on punctuality, and lower on honesty. if i'm anything, i'm honest with her, and i'm ALWAYS late for work. but whatever, i'll mostly ignore her responses because she gave me 100% on almost everything – not helpful. some of the other people's responses were odd, some of the places i marked myself high in they marked me lower, and the ways i marked myself lower they marked me high. it made me wonder who's delusional – them or me.

oh my goodness, sorry if i'm quiet on the emailing front these days. i'll hopefully be able to be in touch with regularity again soon :S

they're lives bore me to the point of claustrophobia.

never a breath you can afford to waste.

woo woo woo. things are GETTING interesting........