continued

well... i talked to the vet today, and i feel a lot better.

he assured me that pekoe is in the care of a loving person and is not showing any signs of distress. he's very friendly and happy (as usual). so that's good.

also, he's going to talk to the animal hospital manager so we can be reimbursed for our euthanization payment, since that didn't actually take place.

i feel relieved. i didn't want pekoe to be put down, but he was much more special needs than we could handle and we didn't know how to find a suitable new owner.

as the saying goes... all's well that ends well.

and then there was one...

it feels as though since we got home from our trip to the UK things have not been going well. we keep getting hit by difficult things. most times expensive.

today, after several years of sickness and the stress of us trying to pre-empt pekoe from peeing all over the house, we finally decided it was time to put him down. except, the vet didn't want to do that. at this point we actually have no idea if he did it or not, but we know that he charged us way more than he should have. especially for not doing anything. so i'm going to call tomorrow to 1) complain, 2) find out if they actually put him down, 3) dispute the charges, and 4) complain again.

i also feel like brendan and i could really use a win. just something that would relieve some of pressure we've been feeling. like emotional or financial blood-letting or something.

green

lately brendan has been going to bed at the same time as me. i like it. last night, i was in bed before he arrived home from work, but was restless and still wasn't sleeping by the time he turned in. i like lying in the dark side by side talking.

lately eamon and i have been eating watermelon together. it's currently one of my favourite activities with him. i think it appeals to me because we sit together enjoying the same thing as equals. two people who like watermelon.

on fire

i've been doing this new thing where i only allow myself treats or less healthy snacks on weekends, and i'm liking it. this isn't a weight loss initiative, largely because i'm done with temporary weight loss efforts that get temporary results. instead, i want to change my approach to food.

maybe i'm a bit slow to figure this out, but some of the healthiest people i know are also those with the most simple and nutritious eating habits. and i realized... i should really change direction. change the sorts of things i'm eating.

i'm not blaming my parents (my mom is a very moderate eater and can eat only a bite of a halloween-sized chocolate bar each day so it lasts a week), but i grew up in the 80s, when kool-aid was king. my afterschool snacks consisted of red licorice and jumbo marshmellows. so i'm re-training my palette and changing my thinking about snacks. BUT not cutting myself off completely from tastey treats, or else i'd be doomed to fail. 

10 things i hate right now

• that brendan's pedals got stolen

• that éamon got bit at daycare and it broke the skin and bled a lot (and that he now needs antibotics)

• that the nurses at hotel dieu were rude to me

• that the children's urgent care centre closes at 3:45 (i either had to wait at the urgent care centre for several hours or take him to my family doctor tomorrow)

• that the dish rack is full

• that social media blabbed all the major plot info about the game of thrones finale (that i'm watching with b later tonight)

• that my friends are going through a hard time right now

• that my replacement necklace arrived today, but i wasn't home so it's at the post office and i can't pick it up til tomorrow afternoon

• that i breathed in gross city stink on the way home from HDH

• that my cat is using our front foyer as a litter box

quiet

lately i've been in a bit of a weird situation. i get up at 5:30 every morning for work AND my husband works til 11 pm every other week. but people keep inviting me out to events on weeknights.

i can't quite figure out if it's a courtesy invite (they know i can't come but they don't want to exclude me) or if they actually expect me to go out. are they're forgetting that i have several responsibilities that keep me in at night. or do they think i should still be able to go and i just need to find a sitter.

it's tricky because i like the slow pace of my life these days. all these invitations make me feel like i'm supposed to be wanting something different, but i don't. i kind of wish people wouldn't invite me because at least i'd feel like they'd understand my situation (it's mostly the early mornings. the working co-parents is a factor, but i'd find a sitter if it wasn't a going to be past my bedtime). but at the same time, there might be events that i'm available for and i don't want to miss those.

boooo. hisssss.

one thing i hate about the internet is the people who purposely give spoilers for tv shows and movies. brendan and i love game of thrones, and some guy hinted on a facebook friend's status about something major that happened in yesterday's season finale. brendan and i aren't able to watch it until tomorrow, so i commented saying "not everyone has seen it yet. i hope that's not a plot spoiler", and the guy replied and saying flat out what happened. i don't even know that guy. why would someone do that!?!?!

it was a real jerk move.

whoops

today i was cutting a banana in half for éamon and ended up slicing right into my index finger.

twit

i know that couples have weird fights sometimes. it comes with the territory. i have to say that i never thought brendan and i would have a heated debate about aaron carter and coffee way donuts.

to clarify, i actually mean aaron carter AND coffee way donuts. they were not two separate arguments.

crazy glue

brendan bought me some earrings on etsy a couple of years ago. technically they're ear pins and they look like feathers. i love them, because i have a bit of a thing for feathers. i find them really delicate and feminine, but also kind of bold and empowering.

sadly, one has broken slightly. the thing i've noticed lately about my favourite things is that they tend to break more frequently from regular use. i contacted the woman who offered to fix them for free or i can buy new ones. i don't know what to do because i don't want to be without them, but i also don't want an unnecessary extra set. sometimes i don't like making trivial decisions.

bakes

i don't like library books because i am a slow reader. BUT i'm trying to penny pinch right now, so i thought i'd take another stab at ebooks from the ole library. i'm not sure if they have a renew option, i think they might just expire at the end of 14 days. but brendan and i are between shows right now, so i'll focus more on reading.

it's difficult to find good books (especially when limited to library books) about women. and now that i'm conscious of this, it makes me all that more determined to find the few and far between books. i was reminded this evening of what a gem "the women's room" was. i managed to find a copy of "the bluest eyes", which was on my list of books to read. a few months ago, i naively mentioned to brendan "i'm thinking about reading this book called 'the bluest eyes' by this woman named toni morrison" and he laughed out loud because toni morrison is very famous and i made her sound new or obscure. but she was new to me :S

andean

while we had a nice weekend, i felt it was compounded by many stressers that are making me overwhelmed and as brendan said "catastrophise" things – like when i panicked about using beef broth instead of chicken stock in the soup i was making.

zombie

tonight, that while i lay on my bed listening to the 'what if god was one of us', i thought about my first heartbreak in 1996. i was 16 and his name was neil. it was dramatic, and angsty, horribly unhealthy and really drawn-out. i was so unhappy but thought i loved him because he gave me a sense of belonging that i longed for. i had several different boyfriend, one after another until 2004. when my heart broke the most and i decided i'd had enough and that i'd rather go it alone than risk that kind of heartache again.

years later, i met a girl (a friend of a friend) with an ordinary name, who spelled it an unordinary way. she and her boyfriend had just split up. she told me that she was sure they'd get back together, she just couldn't imagine life without him. and i told her that not being able to imagine life without him didn't mean life without him wasn't possible. and that i also thought that i'd also thought that my boyfriend and i would get back together and we didn't. i think she was really surprised to hear that her feelings were not original, but were actually very common post-break-up.

i don't actually know what happened with her and her boyfriend. we never crossed paths again, but i don't think they got back together.

toot

sometimes parenting feels like this tiny person is just trying to push my buttons by doing all the things that stress me out in a matter of minutes.

while considering this, i realized that my feet is my most sensory sensitive body part. if my feet are hot, the rest of me feels overheated. if my feet get wet while walking through dewy grass, it bothers me for hours. stepping on things is overwhelming. stepping with things like dry couscous stuck to the bottom of my feel is extremely aggravating.

if i'm going to survive this age/stage of parenting with my mental state in tact, i'm going to have to loosen up a little and lower my expectations.

burnt perogies

yesterday was a tedious evening of parenting. eamon cried at the drop of a hat. anything and everything made him cry, even things he usually loves to do. my interesting observation about this, was that when he was upset, particularly by me telling him no, he would walk away crying, then take a u-turn so that he was crying towards me and wanting to be cuddled. this is one of the most curious things about humans, often times the people who hurt us most are also the ones we want to run to for comfort.

forward

i don't know if i mentioned this already, but i'm growing accustomed to brendan's new work schedule and i don't mind his evening shifts. i might even prefer it when he works til 11 than when he works til 8:20. it means those evenings are mine to do whatever i'd like. when he works til 8:20, i tend to wait til he gets home.

sometimes caring deeply about something or someone sucks. caring takes way more out of me and means i worry way more than i would if i didn't care. i think i'm worried because there's nothing i can do to fix it. no, that's not it. i'm worried because it's bleak.

i think i might be pmsing, because i'm feeling rather glum and pessimistic tonight. is it obvious? plus, éamon had a longer than usual freak out tonight, and his dadda wasn't here to help settle him (he settles better for brendan than me). that was added stress.

time to go sleep it off.

sangria

sometimes éamon freaks out for a couple minutes when we put him to bed, but it doesn't last long and it makes the peace that comes after it particularly pleasant.

i've been reading this book called "the VBAC handbook" that i found by searching on my ereader. it was published in 2007 compare to "the VBAC companion" which was published in 1997. it's a british book, which is good because in my opinion our healthcare system is more similar to the british national health service (socialist) than the american approach to healthcare (capitalist).

among other things (like re-reading my birth story, and talking about the experience openly), i'm already finding it helpful. helpful in the sense that i'm no longer blaming myself and i'm feeling less frustrated. in particular, there was a chapter on factors that increase the likeliness of a c-section, and of the 11 reasons listed, i had 9 – early arrival at the hospital, continuous fetal monitoring, induction, an epidural before 4 cm (i'd asked for gas but was turned down), not being able to eat, not being allowed to move around (the IV and fetal monitor stopped me from doing anything but standing still in one place, which was why i got the epidural because i was so tired and weak and i couldn't use any techniques to reduce the discomfort), time limits, not having continuity of care (because i was transferred to hospital care for the induction, i had 3 different nurses in a 20 hour period), and not having the care of midwives (my midwives were present for the pushing, but not the labour, and even then they couldn't participate only encourage and support). the only other contributing factors related to previous pregnancies so they didn't apply to me. so no wonder i ended up with a c-section.

i feel like i'm turning a corner with that. i feel relieved to learn that it wasn'tmy fault. it wasn't that i was of weak character, or that i was incompetent, or not up to it, or less than other women (which are all feelings i've struggled with). we got caught in a tornado of crappy circumstances, and it's hard to stop the spiral, especially when the possibility of a c-section isn't on your radar. it never occurred to me that i'd have a c-section, so didn't take preventative measures. if i can avoid some or all of these factors in the future, i'm better positioned for a successful VBAC next time. that said, there are always internal factors that can't be planned for, but i can strive to reduce external factors.

pink

i've been awfully hard on myself lately, but that's only because i'm trying to give an objective critique of myself. and when people critique themselves, they know their own performance much better than other people.

one area that needs work is my volume. now, i have difficulty regulating my volume at any given time, but it's that much more difficult when i'm excited or frustrated. i'm not so concerned about the excited side of things, but i'd like to express frustration without expressing volume. in my defense, sometimes i feel like i'm not heard unless i'm loud.

i have conjunctivitis. it sucks. it started last night in one eye, but has since spread to the other. thankfully, my left eye (the first one), seems to be improving, so i'm optimistic that the right eye will start getting better soon. i woke up this morning with my eyes glued together. needless to say, it's gross and sore.

flutterboard

it's starting to occur to me that i put a lot of pressure on myself. maybe not all the time, but i want things to be clear and straightforward pretty much all the time because i get stressed otherwise. i don't need to know how things are going to work out, but i struggle with uncertainty. i think this is a 'child of divorce' thing. both brendan and joy struggle with that too. but i think i'm getting tired of this need to come up with a solution. i just want to feel calm and peaceful about the future.

at the moment i'm struggling deciding if i should return to work full time and give up my half days on wednesdays. i love having those half days, but the extra money would be helpful, and i think it's helped my transition back to work, but at this point it may not be as necessary. i dunno. although, realistically, it's probably not up to me. i was only given til june before this arrangement is evaluated. so i guess if she wants me back full time i'll do it and get the extra money, and if she doesn't care i'll stick with my 36 hour schedule. i wish my heart could be as rational as my head sometimes.

dynamics

i don't know if i've mentioned this ever, or perhaps just lately, but my dad wasn't around much from ages 9 to 24. he moved out when i was 10, and our relationship was estranged and strained most of the time after that. there were several times when he came through for me in practical or present kind of ways, but we'd also go 6 months stretches of not hearing from him. i was angry and hurt not just that he chose to leave, but that he chose not to come back (even at times choosing to live out of his car rather than coming home to his house and his family who loved him). i didn't hid how i felt and would occasionally give him a piece of my mind about it, then he'd disappear for a long stretch and reappear later like everything was happy and normal. in my early 20s (maybe around 23), my parents finally divorced and with that, and the timing of me being a young independent adult, i was able to have closure on that.

one of my favourite parts of having him as part of my life (and by life i mean my daily life - he calls several times a day), is the balance he provides to my identity. my mom and sister are a lot a like. not in every way, but they like similar things and share similar values and views. it's easy to feel like the odd one out, or like there's something wrong with you when you like X over Y, and no one else can fathom why. my dad shares my taste in things and in general has a more open posture. he's curious and interested in the unknown. he has a more creative-thinking, outside-of-the-box kind of mind - he's rather unconventional. and so, many times, the things i like that my mom and sister don't get, he likes too. it's good to have him to balance that out and make me not feel like a weirdo.

that's probably the main thing i value about two-parent parenting. the balance of perspective. no doubt that's more difficult to negotiate if/when each side is speaking extremely conflicting messages. but on the whole, it still provides two perspectives. that said, i'm sure it's also difficult to negotiate when parents share bad behaviour or damaging outlooks. a little bit of diversity is good on the parenting front as well as everywhere else.

crumbs

we planted our fourth consecutive garden today. i'd have to say, it's quite lovely. i'm optimistic that it will be luscious all summer. i'm trying to get an outside spout installed, which will help make watering it easier.

it was also the most awkward planting experience. we've never had a crowd of spectators as we planted before. i felt like i needed to work faster because folks were waiting.

i like having the "mother's circle" group on facebook for asking questions. but sometimes i have to take the comments there with a grain of salt. some people take themselves too seriously.

where i'm at

i don't know if its the timing or if i've had one or more recent triggers, but i've been thinking a lot about my experience of giving birth to eamon. after sharing this past sunday in an interview about that experience, it's clear to me that the hurt and "trauma" and sorrow i feel is still super fresh. the physical scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. when he was first born, i thought a lot about it, trying to reconcile myself with how things went. telling myself that i had not failed, and asking brendan repeatedly for reassurance "you don't think it was that i was too weak or cowardly to do it, do you?" after months of attempts at positive thinking, i pretty much concluded "you'll do it next time" and tried to drop it.  

at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.

if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"

i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.

at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.

anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.

globes

nancy and gerry are away so éamon and i went to walk their dog maisie this evening while b was at work. brendan's nana has been house sitting, but at 85 walking a fairly big dog is too much for her. i had a really nice visit with her. i like learning about people's lives, and for some reason older people's lives are particularly interesting to me. maybe it's because their lives are much longer, and therefore much fuller. i dunno.

i should really go tidy the kitchen, but i'm feeling lazy. it seems i waffle in between being super productive and super lazy. i just want to wear baggy clothes, tuck myself into bed and read my book. i might also make a cup of tea and some toast. messy kitchens be damned!

i love watermelon.

it's probably my favourite snack.

the problem is that they're kind of hit and miss. and you never know if you have a good one until you crack it open.

steps

well, it was a good day for landlording around here.

brendan and i picked up a washing machine for andrew and shannon for $45 from kijiji. it mostly fit in the back of our new car, but having a backseat passenger made it more difficult to fit (otherwise, it would've fit no problem). we did try to secure it with a bungie cord, but the guy we bought it from actually tied it together, and i think i would've done a more secure job. it nearly fell out at a stoplight on a hill, and i ended up hoping to the back seat and just holding it in for the rest of the way.

next, we went to rona to buy wood to rebuild our picnic table. it has a good sturdy metal frame, but the wood was rotten (growing mushrooms and everything). so we worked on that while éamon napped. it's nice having a baby monitor so we can do things outside during his naps. i'm looking forward to having visits and drinks with friends and neighbours – particularly on the nights that brendan is working because i feel more hindered those nights. drinks and chats sounds wonderful to me.

even though, or perhaps because, i had such a lovely and rewarding weekend, i feel ready to return to work tomorrow.

unfollow

after reading an online article about myers-briggs versions of hell, brendan and i had a brief discussion of what my worst nightmare is. his is super obvious and that article was very accurate. but it was much less clear for me.

i dunno, maybe i just don't have only one...

yes, being rendered incompetent would be bad, but i think that's because it's counter-intuitive for me.
and sure, having to overhear people criticising my choices, hobbies/artform, etc, would be awful, but i think anyone would hate that. AND i'm pretty sure after a few days of that i'd be like "screw it, i don't care what you think" and then rendered indifferent.

i'm inclined to think having to do ANYTHING over and over again for eternity would suffocate me.
i don't know if that's because my greatest fear is ACTUALLY being super boring or uninteresting.

or maybe that's not a fear but just an alarm that tells me i'm falling into a rut. *shrug*

riley

my jaw dropped this morning when i opened google news and saw the top story was about b.b. king. immediately my eyes started searching for specific words, and quickly caught "passed away", and knew it had finally happened.

before dating brendan, the loss of b.b. king would've been sad because he was a well-known, well-loved musician. not by me, but i knew his name and knew he was an icon. but since dating brendan, b.b. king is significant to me because i know what he means to brendan. i remember him saying to me years ago "everyone always associates me with eric clapton (for obvious reasons), but all i've ever wanted was to sound like b.b. king". he told me that he often thought about what he would write when someday b.b. king dies to articulate how he felt about him. personally, i'm quite intrigued to read that, if he does actually write it.

i haven't had the chance to talk to b yet about this news, no doubt by now he's heard about his passing.

brendan is someone who feels deeply about the people he admires. i often try to explain to friends, family and acquaintances "brendan loves... [insert any number of people]" but always find the word "love" isn't strong enough. shannon is similar, which isn't surprising because brendan and shannon have a lot of similarities. sometimes i feel one dimensional compared to them because they care so deeply and at most i care moderately. perhaps it's the idealist in them. i'm passionate in other ways (i think). hmmm. i know i get passionate about things, but can't think about what those things are. am i just drawing a blank because i'm trying to think of something?

well... i like that everyone is different. it's probably a good thing. not probably, it IS a good thing :p

yesterday, when i was cycling at lunch time, the wind was so strong that i didn't even have to peddle and i was still moving at a decent speed.

anything

i was listening to my itunes while i folded laundry this afternoon, and continued listening while éamon and i ate dinner. a song came on that i haven't listened to with regularity in quite some time. it took me back to 2007. and as i listened and i considered several things...

i thought about how music in my late twenties defined my life much more than it does today. i still like music very much. but i find that it's more one-off songs rather than whole albums getting under my skin. i kind of miss that.

i thought about my single days – pre-brendan, pre-éamon – and concluded that it's a shame that that time in my life was somewhat spoiled my a loneliness for a partner. i had a lot of flexibility, wonderful friends (and still do), my own apartment that i loved, a clear sense of self. it's really unfortunate that i struggled with worry about my future, struggled with my sense of belonging, struggled with my sense of value.

i thought about how music and/or alone-time are my thin spaces, and how i miss that. my head space, my heart space and my living space is too full with daily stuff to really inhale the sacred in the way i have in the past.

i suppose the reality is that a little bit of turmoil goes a long way with nurturing my spiritual health. i've been thinking with renewed frustration the last few days about my experience giving birth to éamon. how things did not go as we'd hoped. i'm still working that thru – the disappointment, the frustration, the confusion, the feelings of failure. i actually thought that i would know God's presence in the birthing process, but didn't. but maybe i'm supposed to find him in my discontent and longing instead.

pedals

this evening i've had a headache. i've been holding a bag of frozen cranberries to my head for the last 45 minutes. it's surprisingly soothing.

now that we've been night weaning for a week, everyone's been sleeping better, and i feel like we're starting to turn a corner. éamon's got his own room. i get a normal night's sleep. we'll soon be potty training and he'll be graduating to a toddler bed. it's exciting. i'd kind of forgotten that things wouldn't always be this way – nursing and diapers.

brendan was interviewed on the local news on sunday, and it aired tonight. he was talking about the M centre's farmer's market. pretty funny/neat.

ugh. i'm gonna take my headache and put myself to bed.

one last thing... i'm looking forward to my hair being longer again...

thistle

i really enjoyed cycling on my lunch breaks this week. i'm actually really surprised how physically capable i am. meaning, it's not a struggle or strain, but instead i can cycle quite fast and maintain the speed. i don't even care if i lose weight (although, that would be a nice bonus), it makes me feel healthy both physically and mentally.

sometimes at the end of my ride, i'm covered in mayflies. sometimes i hear them splatting against my helmet as i go down the hill toward the lake.

arrangement

it's always being said that people sleep better without a computer or device in their bedroom. if that is true, i find the difference very minimal.

now that we've been living in our newly adopted bedroom for 2 (going on 3) nights, i have to say, i super like it. i'd forgotten how much i like having my computer in my/our room. i've often found that i don't use my bedroom otherwise. it's nice hanging out on my bed – reading, watching movies, napping, chatting on the phone (to my dad mostly, he's the main person who calls a lot).

fresh start

well... sometimes i surprise myself.

this afternoon i moved a lot of furniture and managed to set up a room for éamon and a room for us. i'm super pleased with the outcome.

and now i'm super pooped.

off to bed for me!

either/or

i don't know if it's just me, but i've concluded that parenting is a bit of a crap-shoot. and no, i'm not referring to diapers.

i'll come up with (what seems to be) good ideas or approaches to things, and it seems completely random if it works out as desired or not. and then there are the things that worked yesterday and don't work today.

recent flops:
- "let's book a late night flight, so that he'll be sleeping by the time we board and he'll just sleep the whole time"
- "let's take the underground/DLR/tram"
- "these new baby-proofing locks will keep him out of these drawer"
- "i can make you an english muffin, dada says you always eat the whole thing"
- "the baby can sleep in our room til we eventually get a bigger house"

recent win:
- "let's get him some blueberries to eat during take off on our flight home"
- "let's look up the sign language for 'please' so he can ask politely instead of yelling at us"
- "i'll just take him with me to your show and i can leave early if he gets tired or freaks out"
- (he falls asleep in the car on the way to my mom's) "let's just lay him down in her spare room"
- "i got this sink caddy so he can't reach the dirty knives"

there are two recent wins that i'm particularly pleased with. i might even say i'm thrilled.
1) i got eamon some puddle jumpers for swimming. they're still a little big for him, but he did really well. he was actually SWIMMING - kicking his little legs to get where he wanted to go. it was amazing! i was a super proud momma at the pool.
2) after reaching a breaking point with eamon's sleeping, i moved our mattress onto the living room floor while brendan was at work last night. i've concluded that i can't sleep in the same room as eamon anymore for eamon's sake. i was sure that my presence was disturbing his sleep because he just wanted to nurse and knowing i was in the room but not nursing him would make him enraged. so anyway, i super enjoyed reading in bed (not something i'm usually able to do since the light is always off in our room when eamon is sleeping). BUT most significantly, HE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT! i realize this does not guarantee a win tonight, but it's a step in the right direction. we'll eventually move the bed into the den. i just don't think we'll have time until the weekend.

surprise

we've lived without a microwave for years, but recently we'd had a change of heart and decided it would be a useful asset. so we purchased probably the smallest one available (with the added bonus that it was on sale) with a canadian tire gift certificate. it's pretty little. you could probably get a way with calling it a fun cooker.

for two days now, i've enjoyed slightly heating some cranberry-orange loaf and baking a potato in less than 10 minutes. those are the only things i've used it for so far, but i'm pleased. i wish we had room for both the fun cooker and the toaster oven, but alas, we don't.

(i thought i posted this on friday)

i think i equally enjoy being productive and relaxing. this evening, i got a whole lot of housework done AND finished a book curled up on the couched under a blanket.

today was frank's last day of work. he's retiring after 40 years with the company. that's a crazy long time. i'm going to miss him, my good friend, colleague, mentor and grown-up advise giver. but i'm glad for him. this is a huge step and i think he'll be very happy retiring. it got my remembering how much i loved my mat leave. i'm quite convinced that there's nothing better than getting paid to stay at home and just live your life.

(i thought i posted this yesterday)

on friday i took my first bike ride of the season on my lunch break. except, i forgot to pump up my tires before putting my bike in the car. needless to say, it was an extremely difficult bike ride, but enjoyable nonetheless.

HI-larious

so josh sent me a link this evening to a video i'd made in 2006 that was posted on youtube. from there i found my youtube channel that i haven't uploaded to in 8 years. but the one video (one i made to give directions on how to find the door at the maxi pad). oddly enough, it's received over 750 views. i have NO IDEA why or how. it's almost a little creepy. well... i'm not worried, i don't live there anymore and that house has been completely re-done so that door entrance doesn't even exist, so it's not a danger or threat to anyone. but still... that's a bit strange.

aux

well... we got our new car today, so that concludes THAT whole ordeal.

it's a kia sportage, so we're calling it the sportaj mahal, after this guy :)

shuffle

i had a really nice evening with eamon while brendan was at work. i tried to mitigate challenges – like how he always dumps the cat's food into the water bowl, by leaving the water bowl empty for a little while. i also got him to help me with supper – i cut the brussel sprouts and he put them in the (empty) pot. this seemed to work really well.

this weekend, we should install some cupboard hooks so he can't open the doors. i think that will help too.

aside from that, it was a beautiful day, i enjoyed two nice walks, i'm enjoying my current book, i had a yummy supper and watched one episode of the americans with brendan. not a bad evening.

dragons

well, i've been home with a headcold today. i'm definitely feeling better, so i think i'm on the mend. i'm glad, because i know i have time sensitive things to deal with at work.

since yesterday evening, when i started feeling under the weather, i've been super impatient with éamon. i don't have a lot to offer him, and he's been rather demanding, per his age.

i'm starting to think it might be time to rearrange our living arrangement, so that he has his own room. this is a major sacrifice for me since i use our den A LOT. it's largely my space, and i really value it. but i also know i'd value éamon sleeping through the night and not waking frequently to nurse. i'm of the belief that he'd nurse less at night if i wasn't in the room, but it's really just a theory.

i tried to get some expert advise on weaning a toddler – because all the online advise on weaning is for mothers of young babies. i can't find anything about nursing a toddler, and i think weaning at this stage has it's own distinct set of challenges. but he just said that his objective is to help people nurse, not help them stop. and questioned why i even wanted to start weaning. which super annoyed me. i don't feel i should have to make a case for myself to get some good advise.

that said, i mostly want to stop because it's starting to become a negative experience. he screams and yells at me, he grabs at my body and freaks out when i say no, he won't soothe himself back to sleep at night (even though he can), his tantrums at night disrupt ALL of our sleep. i really feel we'd all be better off if we started to wrap it up.

i'm going to bed...

abercrombie

*exhale*

well... things are brighter. we think we've found a suitable car that we'll be happy with and we can afford. we just want to think about it for a few days first. i'm pretty sure brendan's car is going to die in the next week as well, so i'm eager to get a car. that said, i also don't want to rush into anything.

this is my first time car shopping, but went along with my mom many times as a kid and teenager. i realized the things she cares about when considering a car are not things i care about. she considers the colour of the inside, the brightness, how big the windows are, etc etc. a lot of aesthetic things. while brendan and i care about the functionality (spacious, stick-shift, large trunk, power windows, etc) and if it's affordable. the aesthetics are less important because we'll get used to those things. in the past, it was always a 'take what you get' kind of thing.

once all this is wrapped up, i'll be able to think/write about our trip.

i really like the sound of the birds chirping outside :)

the worst

life is strange. one minute you're driving home, refreshed and renewed from a wonderful vacation. the next, your much loved, dependable and rugged car breaks down on the road and is declared dead by a mechanic.

i feel like all the freshness and energy of my trip has disappeared because of the loss of my car, which is really disappointing. sometimes i tell myself "at least it wasn't on the way to the airport", but if it had, at least we would've had time to process this major life change before having to do something about it.

since my office is so far away, i can't just go carless for the time being. i wish i could because i'd like the freedom to look around and buy something i'm really happy with.

this sucks.

i was telling brendan yesterday, if money wasn't an issue, i'd be happy to get a new car. the two rentals we had in the last week were really nice and the drive was smooth. but money is an issue, and we can't just buy whatever car we want. we're probably going to have to get a compact car – which has it's advantages for sure, but i really associate cars with freedom and a compact car will really limit what we can and can't haul around.

all of that said, things are pretty bad. we're stressed and emotional and jet-lagged and disappointed and argumentative and frustrated. i'm hoping this will blow over soon, but i might just have to lay low for a week.

enroute

we're at Washington Dulles airport, on our way back to Toronto. we'll arrive there and stay over in a hotel tonight than drive home tomorrow. with the five hour difference, I won't be surprised if eamon wakes at 1 am :S

much to say... we've had many adventures. but I'll wait til I'm home and have a proper computer.

that said, brendan and I agree that this was our most diverse trip - with the largest range of activities. it was really cool. we're pretty tried, but happy :)

Sent from my iPod

away we go

well, we leave this evening for london. i've been feeling really excited about it, but since this morning i've felt a little anxious. i think éamon might be starting to cut a molar, which is not pleasant. after his last teeth came through, i thought we'd be scott-free for a while, but he's had some teething symptoms, so i checked a baby dental chart this morning and these next ones come in between 20 and 31 months, and he'll be 21 months next week :S bad timing. we'll just have to put on our broad shoulders and take precautions.

we're well prepared. i only have a few final things to pack today, then we'll head out to toronto later in the afternoon. i've been remarkably surprised by how smooth packing for a family with a toddler has been. brendan and i have a big travel backpack each, and we have one large beach bag type of tote bag for our carry-on. we have some new small toys that eamon's never seen before, and i got two toddler-aged apps for my ipod. if nothing else, i'm sure it will be a memorable journey!

i think this will be fun:) the weather in london this week is around 15° C all week, and 18° C on friday!

over the pond

we've been spending the last few days getting ready for our trip to the UK. we leave on monday. our flight is not until 23:10, so we have a lot of time still. i'm actually going to work a half day that morning. i've been super intentional and methodical about packing for the three of us, and so far i've found success.

there's pros and cons to traveling with a toddler. here's a few i've thought of:

con: we'll have to go at a slower pace than we're used to
pro: we'll discover another side of our destination (parks, playgrounds, zoos)

con: we'll have to get up earlier in the morning

pro: we'll get up earlier and make the most of our day

con: we won't be able to watch as many movies on the plane

pro: we'll probably get more sleep

con: we'll have a toddler sitting on our lap

pro: he flys for free – which is basically like get getting a 2 for 1 rate

con: we might have to deal with a screaming/crying toddler (for various reasons)

pro: we'll get to board early

con: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the worst in people

pro: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the best in people

purple porridge

once again, i've fallen behind with my writing.

i've been reflecting lately on how i struggle to do things consistently. i wish i was able decide to do something and just do it. there's so many wonderful things i wish i had the self-discipline to make part of daily life. it might not even be a self-discipline thing. some personalities types are more prone to patterns and routines. i'm not one of them.

i gave my dad a drive to the train station today. without going into the long story involving his purple porridge, i realized how similar we are. how much effort we have to make to not overlook details, and how frustrated we get when we goof-up. because my dad was absent from my life for quite a long time, there's still a lot of things i'm still piecing together. sometimes i feel like an adopted person who is getting to know their birth parents and discovering a bunch of similar traits. i like it. it's nice – it helps me not be so hard on myself.

the girl at work

once upon a time, i was an environmental technician at the hospital.

looking back i'd have to say that job made a significant impression during an impressionable time. i was fascinated by the hospital environment, but never felt so invisible in my life. it's one of those jobs that people need done, but don't really want or need to see the person doing it. so they look through you. you're just someone performing an invisible task, and not someone necessary for them directly. there was one patient who saw me, and would thank me every day when i emptied her trash. that made me feel a little uncomfortable because i did it because it was my job, and no other reason. but now i understand that it was her way of acknowledging me. we have a new cleaner at work. up until now, we had night cleaners. but they've hired this girl, who cleans during the day (if i had to guess, i'd say they did this because it's cheaper). she looks to be in her mid-20s. i realize that i might be projecting, but she looks like she feels invisible - the insignificant person performing an invisible task. so i've been trying to make eye contact with her, which is tricky because she keeps her eyes down. but i'm trying. because i know that she's no less important than anyone else there, and i want her to know that i see her. that she's not actually invisible, even if she feels awkward cleaning up after people while they sit around typing.

peach fuzz

brendan's nana is in her mid-80s. she has glaucoma and mac-degen – so is nearly blind. she can't really see faces. tonight, at an early family easter gathering, she asked him "brendan, do you have a beard? good for you!". she was really impressed that he was able to grow a beard. the rest of us, just looked at each other and tried not to giggle.

he's had a beard for 8.5 years and we see her fairly reguarly.

layers

i've been thinking lately about weight. one's weight in general. i've observed, both my own experience, and that of other people, that it's extremely different to lose weight without gaining it back. i'm not entirely sure if it's physiological or if it's the result of a person's behaviours and habits.

i have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. i am both disappointed about this, and indifferent. i really don't think i could've or should've done anything differently to lose that weight. upon reflection, i know that i did not have good eating habits during my pregnancy because i thought i would easily lose weight from breast-feeding. i think i've lost all my pregnancy-related weight, but haven't lost the extra weight i gained from having no self-discipline. my current eating habits are good, or at least mostly on-track. so there's part of me that feels i should just accept my body as it is, and just dress accordingly. get rid of all my smaller clothes that i've been hanging on to, and yada yada yada. it's tricky because it's hard to know if that's "loving my post baby body" or just giving up.

oddly enough, i haven't come across any articles or blog entries about women who are dissatisfied with their bodies after baby. i've heard some women share about disappointments about specific body parts, but no one has expressly said they are struggling to come to terms with their new shape. maybe i'm the only one. or maybe women just don't talk about it.

i wish i was one of those women would could be in awe of her body – amazed by what it did. instead, because of my c-section, i feel miffed that my body failed to perform. it literally couldn't (whether it was external or internal factors, we won't know til i try to birth again) do the job it's meant to do. so i'm left feeling let down AND bulky.

there's a few other girls at work who have had babies in recent years, and they may be 10 sizes smaller than me. i know everyone has a different body type, but it just reminds me that other people return to normal and i haven't.

i just want to be comfortable and at ease in my body. i wonder if that will ever happen.

many many decades

my dad turned 70 today.

which is kind of crazy. he's starting to look his age. and he keeps falling down (sometimes because of ice, and sometimes because his legs give out). he's need dealing with shingles for a couple months now, but are finally starting to go. he's also lost a lot of weight and is looking frail.

it's interesting seeing your parents age. all things considered, he's doing very well. he is managing his dialysis very well, especially considering it's self-administered. he also does a good job at trying to stay positive.

i was born when my parents were in their early to mid-30s, but only because aware of their age during their 40, which seemed really old back then. it's kind of strange to think those younger versions of them are gone, and they're only going to get older and more frail. i feel a little bit like society does not teach us how to care of elderly parents. but i want to figure out how to do that well, with patience, sympathy and appreciation. because i do appreciate them both.

my best impersonation

i would say, one of the biggest misconceptions about me is that i'm an organized person. i am not. i'm actually quite disorganized and i have to make a great deal of effort to pay attention to details. i make this effort because i get overwhelmed easily and i wear regret like an itchy sweater.

no where is it more evident how unattentive i am to detail is when i'm knitting/crocheting or cooking/baking. in both cases i either don't pay close enough attention or make incorrect assumptions while ignoring the instructions. then i must improvise to correct my mistakes, which sometimes works out, but often times it doesn't (such as our supper tonight).

there are also more important goof-ups. like forgetting to book meeting space before sending an invitation for focus group sessions to 450 people. then scrambling to find available space. or arriving over an hour late for dinner with a full belly to a friend's 30th birthday pizza party.

all that said, i feel like there is a limit to how much to blame i am for my oversights. and i draw the line at buying expired milk at the store. there are a lot of details in the life that i struggle to stay on top of. so if i decide that it's reasonable to trust that a store is not selling sour milk and don't bother to double check the best before date, i'm not going to accept fault for that.

truth be told, i noticed upon arriving home that the best before date was three days ago, but i thought i would improvise and taste it anyway. eamon had been waiting for some homo milk since the previous evening, and i'd made a special stop to pick that up for him. not surprisingly it was indeed past its best.

to add insult to injury, when i drove back to the store to exchange it today, i neglected to ensure that the carton was in a non-spillable position. and as a result of THAT oversight, sour milk leaked all over the passenger seat in my car. 

catch up

that stomach bug really disrupted my good habits. i haven't been eating well. i haven't been writing daily. i haven't been doing my lenten readings. i've been wasting time online. i think it's time to hit the figurative reset button.

SO, let me get caught up.
last thursday...i finished "the women's room". i really enjoyed it. it gave me great pleasure to read about women. even if it was a specific kind of women, and not a particularly diverse selection.

on friday, i took my dad out for dinner to swiss chalet. it's his favourite restaurant. afterwards we went to value village and costco. we had a nice time, and it was the first time that eamon showed excitement in seeing him. my dad turns 70 this friday, and is really looking his age.

on saturday, i decided i wanted brendan, eamon and i to go out to the golden rooster for lunch. during the winter, we've been real home-bodies and i've been starting to develop cabin fever. it was nice to go out and do something normal again. eamon ate really well both at both the golden rooster and swiss chalet (he didn't throw anything or make a big fuss). so i'm encouraged that he'll be alright when we're in the UK.

sunday was a nice slow day at home in sweatpants.

we're leaving for london in two weeks, which feels nutty. last night we set-up eamon's peapod (sleeping tent) inside his crib so he could start getting used to sleeping in it. it was touch and go at first. he was super disoriented and kept waking up and crying. but it made me glad that we're climatising him to it now. eventually he slept alright. i look forward to him getting use to it. it will be so much easier taking that places for him to sleep in, rather than a pack and play.

vinegar

i had this super weird interaction with a stranger today at david's tea. she came up to me and asked me about my stroller. this is not uncommon. for some reason lots of people are interested in it and where i got it, etc. she specifically asked me how much it was (not something anyone has come right out and asked me before), so i told her, and explained about the extra features we got to convert it from a bike trailer into a stroller. she listened and nodded. then eventually she said "i just got a bike trailer at target for $38". not knowing what else to say i responded "wow!" and was sincere about it because that's undoubtedly a bargin. but then had nothing else to say. the lady said nothing else, and walked away.

i felt funny about the interaction, but tried to act normal and friendly when i passed her on my way out the door. but ended up concluding that she purposely came up to me, a complete stranger, to brag about the price she paid for her trailer after specifically checking to make sure i paid more than she did. i felt dumb, but i also felt cheated because i was just being a friendly fellow-mom, and she was setting me up for a competition. i don't partake in "the mommy wars" so i'm not accustomed to that.

part of me feels justified in feeling mad and taken-advantage of. but another part of me feels sorry for her, because she clearly doesn't know how to interact with other people.

tickle

thank goodness, i seem to be feeling better. last evening i did not develop my usual stomach cramps and abdominal pains. phew!

i might be developing a cold now, but that is ok with me. i'd rather have a cold. my left nostril has been super itchy since 3 this morning. i can't tell if it's just that i'm coming down with something, or if its possible that a small spider has crawled up my nasal cavity. is that possible? i don't see why not.

today is one of those days*, so i'm going to have to pull together all my resolve to make the best of it. this is the day i have to work with, so i'm gonna make it my beast of burden.

---

*when i (deeply) wish that my time was my own to spend with my toddler.

that guy

i sure like being married to brendan.

i think he's super smart.

i like watching the beatles anthology with him.

and, i like how nerdy he is about music history.

i can't imagine him with someone his own age.

i don't think many girls his age would 'get' him.

we're really, very well suited.

ironically, as i write this, he's inexplicably listening to "party in the USA".

stupid intestinal bug

so i'm still struggling with bouts of stomach cramps, etc after a week of on and off symptoms. but i'm feeling encouraged because i looked up 'enteric' symptoms, and it said that symptoms can last up to 10 days AND that vomiting is rare (the guys vomited, but i didn't and i was a little confused about that). it seems to me (if the internet can be relied on as good medical advise) that come wednesday, if i'm not fully recovered i should see my doctor and get some antibiotics. hopefully that won't be necessary. i've identified two things to be true...

1) lying down, completely still seems to help my abdominal pains pass

2) i feel the worst after 4. i can go all day feeling alright, but when late afternoon comes i start to feel sick again.

i'm gonna go to bed now and lie still.

storytime

lately i've been second-guessing myself. usually i have good ideas about things, or come up with decent plans, but in the last week or so, my ideas have not been so good or at least are not air-tight. on the bright side, i have brendan who can think about my ideas and tell me if they're bad or decent. 

all that said, things are starting to come together for our trip. it's hard to know what to expect with a toddler, but i'm sure it will be an adventure.

clear the air

there's a man at work this week, visiting from another site apparently, who's sitting in the cubicle beside me. although we're 4 feet apart, and there is a glass barrier between us, i can smell his breath. it's just awful. it seems to fill the air around us, and i can tell you... he needs to floss :S

mother down

i've been MIA lately because i was taken down by a stomach bug that was working its way thru our trio - first eamon, then brendan, lastly me. the guys both vomited, and i didn't. but i feel like mine was bad because it coincided with the arrival of menstrual cramps. anyway, it seems to be gone now, but our appetites having been slow in returning. i mostly feel like i've been kicked in the stomach, which really doesn't make me want to eat.

timing

last night was unpleasant. between me sleeping restlessly, éamon waking and fussing more than usual, and brendan getting up to vomit repeatedly, the whole thing just dragged out.

on another note, sometimes it's hard to please everyone. and while i'm not a people pleaser, it's hard for me to juggle everyone else's preferences when there are reasons outside my control for things unfolding as they do. ugh.

warm

i had two unexpected highlights today.

1) while enjoying a sunny walk with éamon (who was in the backpack carrier), i slipped on some slush and a man who was passing me in the opposite direction managed to grab my hand and help keep me from falling over at the last second. i was nearly on the ground and éamon was calling out in fear, when he caught hold of me. it was a very kind and neighbourly thing to do.

2) scarlete popped in with tala for a quick hello, which turned into a cup of tea. it was nice to catch up, even if just briefly.

hometown

i looked up my grandparents old house on google streetview today. they lived in a small town on the irish sea called st-annes-on-sea. i'm very fond of that town. it's small, and slow paced, but i feel so warmly towards it. sometimes i think about how i'll never again get to go back to that house on gisburn ave, and smell that distinct grandma's house smell. and it makes me sad. i wish we'd lived closer to them. i didn't know my dad's parents, so i really missed out in the grandparent area. i'm really thankful that we live close to our family, and that we get to spend time with our nieces and nephews regularly, and that éamon will know his cousins and grandparents well.

we're going st annes when we're in the UK. i'm excited to return there and to show brendan my home-away-from-home.

things

despite the fact that éamon was vomiting in the night and we went through 3 bed sheets and 4 pairs of pjs, i had a really nice weekend. it seemed to be the right mix of socializing and home-time.

i've been feeling a bit sick to my stomach since the first whiff of his barf, but thankfully i haven't thrown up myself. i spent much of the day with him sitting on my lap while i checked out different hotels in london. we're leaving in less than a month and all the good family-friendly hostels are booked up :S i enjoyed his cuddles. it was a nice change of pace. i don't get to cuddle with him like that as often how that he's a busy, on-the-go toddler.

soothe

i've re-picked up yoga this week on the evenings that brendan works late. it's odd, because i used attend a yoga class every week, but haven't done it since i was pregnant. it's like i even forgot about it. but i concluded that i needed to find a productive way to relax rather than just sitting on my butt (which i do all day anyway). since it's been a while, and i specifically wanted it to help me relax, i found a low-impact 30 minute video that i really like. my body feels good and i feel much more peaceful. this is good. i feel like i'm on the right track.

i'm always feeling like things have turned a corner and i don't feel so overwhelmed by éamon anymore. i THINK it's that he's a little more focused in his exploration, but it might also be that i've adjusted. maybe it's a bit of both.

left and leaving

i super, SUPER hate leaving my crying baby in the morning to go to work.
i hate that i can't stay with him.
i hate that i have to turn and walk away.
i hate that it looks (to him) like i'm choosing something else.
i hate that it's sending the opposite message to what i want to send (one of comfort, care and presence).
i hate that i'm leaving someone i love to go to something that i'm pretty indifferent to.

i remind myself that it won't always be like this. that a time will come when i can stay with him.
but it sucks right now.

supercontinental

i've noticed lately that i've been missing a real sense of restfulness. that's probably the thing i miss most from mat leave. i'd already starting thinking on ways to incorporate rest back into my life when my mom made a comment about her own life "i've become a real slave to my lists. i'm trying to go off list more often". i've too have been using lists a lot lately, in an attempt to help me be productive and effective with my non-work time. but i can see how i'm becoming too rigid and disapproving of myself for napping and doing other restful things. so enough of that. time to find more balance.

delightful

today might have been the first time i've felt like myself all winter. it was my half day today, which allowed me to have a visit with my mom, pick up some lunch on the way home, eat lunch with brendan, have some nice momma+baby time while putting éamon to sleep for his nap, followed by a couple hours of reading on the couch. i had another quick visit with brendan while he came home between the end of work and an evening staff meeting, went for a walk with éamon, picked up a few items from a few stores, grabbed a latte from DT, and had some delicious leftovers for dinner. all the while feeling positive and mentally-healthy.

heathrow

just booked our trip to the UK! we wanted to go in may, but everyone at work had already booked their vacation in may and the end of april. so we're going in early april (5ish weeks!). that'll come fast. so we're suddenly in vacation planning mode :) it's a little stressful but i'll be fun.

taxes

sometimes i'm not great with my spare time. it's unusual for me to have a sunday where we don't have anything on. an unfortunately, i found that i didn't really know what to do with myself. sad really. i think it was partly the weather, and partly that it took éamon two hours to fall asleep for his nap, so i did my free-time activities while he was still awake.

i guess that just happens. sometimes i just get restless and can't identify what it is that would that i should do.

delicious

brendan and i went out for a fancy dinner at chien noir tonight. it's been a while since we had a real date with really good food, so we decided pick a night and go. shannon was able to babysit for us, and it sounds like they had a nice time together. and we had a nice time just the two of us. so a good time was had by all :)

plaid

today was the last day of 90s week on cbc radio 2. i'm going to miss it. before dating brendan, i wouldn't have said i had any kind of affection for the 90s. but it's something he identified about me early on, and i think he might be right.

pilgrimages

yesterday, i was thinking about the time we watched the inks trail, and it rained so jill ended up purchasing a children's size poncho from a local family who lived a long the trail. it made me laugh and smile to think about it.

(after i right this, i'm gonna) sit down (and avoid getting up again)

i am 10 out of 10 tired. today, for the first time since 2013, i consciously felt rushed. this sense of 'i have too little time and too many things i want to do' that seemed endless and unavoidable. that might be the thing i miss most about mat leave. not being rushed, making up for lack of time. at least i saved time by not being online. i feel very immersed in a challenging scenario these days. while i haven't exactly been hiding it, i've felt embarrassed because i don't want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me. i actually think it's more brendan's absence than having a busy toddler (or at least his absence on top of the busy todder). he usually does all the cooking, freeing me up for other things. this afternoon i asked myself "why is this so hard for me? i only have one kid to deal with", but i shouldn't forget that my job consumes the energy of parenting another kid, but the grown-adult babies there are less cute.

just as i arrived at artillery park with éamon today for a swim, i realized that i forgot my wallet at home. i was already exhausted and emotionally worn, and the thought of going home to retrieve it was causing me to reconsider the outing all together. but just then, al walked thru the doors, and he gave me the money i needed. that was a huge help. exactly what i needed in that moment.

what did i know

you know what? i've concluded that one of my most incorrect assumptions as a kid was to think my parents were complete stories. what i mean is, i just assumed they knew everything they were going to know, their believes and views were set, even that their preferences, hobbies and behaviours would never change. i think that's a false assumption about anyone. because we all change and adapt, throughout our lives.

curve

highlight of my day: taking a walk in the sun and hearing éamon "singing" in the stroller as we walked.

lowlight of my day: when the glass dish i was reheating my supper in fell on the ground and broke.

biggest surprise: when i was able to throw together a substitute supper in 15 minutes that turned out super tasty.

cooky

i think it might be time to start growing my hair out.

the problem is that i think i'm going to be disappointed in the outcome.

i wish my hair was thick and full with lots of texture in it.

i wonder if it'll get more coarse as i get older. i've heard before that grey hair is quite wiry.

partly why i'm leaning towards growing it out is because i liked my last haircut so much that i don't want to risk not liking my next one.

breather

before i had a kid, i never had thoughts or made statements like "when i have kids, they won't [this] or they will [that]". partly because one can never know what their kid will do or not do. but i did have hopes or expectations of myself – i think these expectations of myself were more subconscious than anything else. things like "i would this or that". mostly that i wouldn't succumb to certain emotions. but i've been finding lately that my emotions are rather raw and close to the surface. that my tolerance for things like food flinging is very low. it doesn't help that i'm solo-parenting 3 to 4 evenings a week now with brendan's new work schedule so there is very little to balance out my environment. i know well enough that things will even out in time, and that parenting a small child doesn't bring the best out in people. but i want to find a way to navigate this stage with joyfulness and gentleness.

trimming

during the lenten season i'm reducing my computer and internet time. i'm shutting my computer down at 9:30 to allow for some screen-free time before bed and only checking my gmail and facebook once or twice a day (time permitting – and by time i mean éamon. or rather i mean éamon-free time). often times i shut down and then remember that i forgot to jot a short entry. so there will more days of doubling-up, because i'm working towards one little excerpt for each day this year.

trains, trains and trains

this might be hard to believe, but today i edited my very first wikipedia page. it was actually more tricky than i expected and it wasn't very instinctive, but i eventually got the hang of it. my article did get reverted several times before i finally figured out what's allowed and what isn't.

it's extremely satisfying to take something that is poorly written and inaccurate and turn it into something with a better structure and is correct.

cherry blossom

éamon and i went out for a walk to do errands this afternoon. i thought it would take 30-40 minutes but it took an hour. i enjoyed myself. it's been a while, in fact it feels like a long while, since we did errands by foot. i'm looking forward to warmer days, blue skies and sunshine. 

mornings

they say you shouldn't use the snooze button because it messes with your sleep cycles. i don't tend to fall asleep again, i just like to lie in bed all cozy-like just a little longer. 

winter walk

i feel a little bit like i might be having a delayed quarter-life crisis. just wondering a lot about what life's all about, being keenly aware that i'm getting older, etc etc. this is interesting to me that it took til my mid-30s before it kicked in. maybe this is my quarter life and i'll live an unusually long time :p

nothing to worry about. just chewing the fat. thinking things over. david and sue are always talking about life as thirds. i suppose i've still fairly recently started my 2nd third.

ambassador

it may be possible that a sauna is the best antidote to this cold, cold weather.

burnt

i think the fashion design world could learn a lot from maternity clothes. i bought an ingenious pair of cords yesterday from value village. they're actually by reitmans – for their "comfort" line. instead of a zipper and button, they just have a nice, flattering elastic waist, similar to yoga pants or maternity pants, which are both comfortable and don't cause bulges or bumps. i'd gone looking for a pair of light grey cords, but left with these charcoal cords (even though they're almost black and i already have black cords) because they were comfortable and made my butt look good :p i don't know about you, but i find that grey is more casual than black, so i think i'll still plenty of use out of them – try to stop me! they're so comfy and flattering! like liz lemon's jeans (brendan will get that reference if nobody else does).

cupid

it 100% did not occur to me that éamon's classmates would give valentine's cards. sometimes kid-culture has as steep of a learning curve as parenting.

chilly

in another time in my life, going out to a coffee shop to hang out with acquaintances/new friends would've been just a normal thursday night. but being somewhat out of practice with that social custom, i feel really proud of myself this evening. sometimes i have to push myself to not give into the magnetism of an introverted evening at home, because those aren't always what they're cracked up to be –  often times they're just easier. i suppose that doing nothing is ALWAYS easier than doing something. anyway, i gave myself a push tonight, and i'm glad :)

lately i've been noticing that i'm starting to look older than i did.

snip

i've spent a lot of time thinking about éamon's hair. similarly how i'd debate back and forth about my own, i've been caught between should i be trying to shape it or i should just let it grow. i've been wanting to grow it like a surfer dude, but it's just not naturally going that way. also like my own, his hair is flat and limp with almost no natural wave. the top layer seems to be the longest and makes it all sag like a mop-top. in addition to all this, he has two crowns that go in opposite directions, so i thought if he had longer hair it would lie down properly – which has been kind of true. at least true in theory, but not quite as true in reality.

anyways, i tried to give his hair a trim this evening, and it went really badly. i kept cutting in hopes that it might improve if i took a little off here or a little off there, but it just got worse. after consulting with rach, i decided to take him to a hairdresser for a proper cut. it was kind of disappointing to see his long hair be snipped away since getting shorter is the opposite of what i want, but i'm hoping now that he has real layers it will grow in like a surfer dude. i'm sure it will grow fast. it is pretty cute, and i also kind of like the part that sticks up from the double crown.

he did pretty well, but did start crying a lot near the end. she needed to use clippers to hide my hack job. and he's startled by mechanical sounds. all this happened while brendan was at work, so he was quite surprised and a little sad to come home and discover éamon had his first haircut without him.

tissues

i've never been much of a crier. i usually only cry from happy things. but lately, cheesy things shared on facebook (ie women getting new tattoo to cover their old prison tattoos they're ashamed of) makes me all teary-eyed. sheesh! it's embarrassing! brendan came into the room today and asked "what are you watching?" and i had to explain this chinese commerical about this dad working hard to provide for his daughter, and ended up crying again as i re-told it.

i don't know if it's hormones, or if having a kid has softened my outer layer.

i wish that instead of jeans day, we had sweatpants day at work. i'd pay up to $5 for sweatpants day – jeans day costs $2.

pantry

i've started noticing that brendan and i don't really do anything on saturdays anymore. at first i felt like i should feel guilty about missing out on stuff, but i've changed my mind. it's just our life stage. we like to accommodate éamon's naps because we really value the 3 hours of free time at home to get things done or even to do nothing without juggling a busy toddler at the same time. it's like a free time oasis, and it's hard to pass that up.

i think understanding and embracing each life stage helps one appreciate them more. i know we'll once again take advantage of the variety of weekend activities available to us, someday.

OH, MAN!

i had the BEST night's sleep. éamon slept straight through and didn't wake once to nurse. i don't remember when he did that last. lately he's been waiting A LOT (~3 to 5 times a night). i'm so pleased. i could get used to this. 

it's really quite amazing the difference uninterrupted sleep makes. i even woke minutes BEFORE my alarm. 

well... i'm pumped. this is a great start to the day – any day really. 

hope you're having a good morning too!

it's the little things

well, a day of wrestling with the layout of a new brochure gave me victory over spatial challenges once again. HOORAY! #ineededthat

i think i'll mope the rest of the evening

today i failed to get the most out of limited space and it's super disappointing. usually when i make modifications or changes there's a great improvement. this time, it's a worst (or at best a lateral) change.

arches

my feet are bigger than they used to be, or should i say wider. i've heard before that ones feet continues to grow. but i don't think it's just that. my feet swelled up so much during pregnancy, and after that i continued wearing only flipflops for the better part of a year, followed by birks. so all this to say, my old slip-on winter boots do NOT fit anymore.

granola bars

since i was pregnant, i've been saying that éamon's first chore will be feeding the cats. i forgot about it, until saturday. when i watched éamon go over to the tin where we keep the cat food, take a handful and walk over to dump the kibble into the bowl. ever since he's been super into filling their bowls. i like to encourage him by not discouraging him.

today, he got very resourceful (in general, he's showing signs of being particularly crafty and resourceful #toosmartforhismomma) when he took one of the empty bowls, took it to the cat food tin, scooped up the food, then dumped it in the other empty bowl. as much as i'm not ready to have him in and at everything, i really admire his ingenuity :p

back-up

it seems i skipped saturday...

ok. let me think.

have you ever looked forward to something so much that it just couldn't realistically live up to you hopes?

that happened to me on saturday.

$16

do they still make lime tostitos?
i hope they don't. i have a personal bias against them, and i would feel smugly satisfied if they were discontinued.