wrapping

tomorrow i return to work from a nice at-home mini-break. it was good to do regular, at home stuff and to spend extra time with eamon. that said, i don't mind returning to work. i love having my freedom, but having a little bit of structure is good for me, plus my job makes my world bigger and is good exercise for my brain.

all of this said, i really enjoy spending time with éamon. i feel like he makes me feel fun. and i like our relationship dynamic. 

ridge

4 days away from work, and i still have one more day off :) i'm really enjoying this 5 day long weekend. i'm going to do this again sometime.

beckie, éamon and i swam in the rain in malcolm lake. it was lovely.

hurricane

sometimes brendan and i talk together about how often we're reminded of what a big impact parents have on their adult children. so many people have baggage, or worldviews, or self-views, or hang-ups, etc etc, because one parent, both parents, their parents relationship with each other, or their parents relationships with other people. it's kind of good to get this reminder. it helps us put our role as parents in perspective, and to remember that we are trying to raise a healthy, aware, fully-functioning adult.

i'm going to take another stab at the book "middlemarch".

best things about my mini summer vacation so far are...

- staying up past my bedtime

- "sleeping in" til 7

- hanging out with my kid all day

- going to the beach at grass creek park

- royal angkor take out for lunch

- going to yellow bike action for a new bike for b

- summer afternoon naps

- visit with rach last night

- dinner with bren and her kids tonight

- finishing my library book a week before the return date

lady books

each time i finish a book with a female protagonist i have the difficult task of trying to find another good book about women. thankfully, i always find something, but it requires much more looking than it should.

my latest book is called "the boston girl", by anita diamant. she's the same wome who wrote "the red tent", which many of you have read and loved. this one is set in a totally different place and time (boston in the early 1900s), but it's really good too. it's like "call the midwife" meets "fiddler on the roof". i really recommend it. it's a 85 year old woman, telling her life story to her adult granddaughter.

it's a library book, so i've been having to read it at a much faster pace, but that hasn't been a challenge because i enjoy it so much.

collection

while at chapters last week, i saw a drinking glass for sale with a russian doll on it – like this. i really liked it, but it was $21 for one! too bad. maybe i'll get one on clearance. but it got me thinking... i like novelty drinking glasses with colourful graphics. so i think i'll start collecting them until our whole glassware collection is an interesting assortment of designs.

i've also realized lately how much i like owls.

i also like feathers and octopuses.

perhaps i'll find some drinking glasses with those things on them.

escape

i'm pretty good at taking care of things. and because of that i don't usually think to ask for help. but tonight, as i tried to organize the house, and prepare/clean up dinner, and do some packing, i felt overwhelmed. so i called my mother-in-law to see if she could help with éamon while i did some stuff around the house. she came down and took him to the park, and i got on top of things.

soon, i'll need to start packing the basement. some stuff is already in boxes, but a lot isn't. it's a bit of an overwhelming task, but things are going at a good pace, so i'm sure it'll be alright.

i'm taking some vacation days this weekend to make for an extra long weekend. and i'm determined to use them to relax and enjoy some time off, and NOT do anything house related. i'll be nice to have that break from everything.

i'm from the suburbs

having grown up in the west-end of the West End, anything past the kingston centre was considered "downtown". so i find it super weird when people refer to kingscourt as "the suburbs". even my own dear brendan uses that label to describe it. "it's like the suburbs..." i don't really get the comparison. yes, kingscourt is a residential area with wider, more quiet streets, and bungalows, but i don't think that makes it a suburban neighbourhood. today's suburbs have oversized houses on tiny lots, which actually kind of makes downtown like the suburbs.

"suburbs" is a term that describes car-dependant neighbourhoods far from the city centre.

believe me, i should know. my place of origin was so deeply in the suburbs that the only thing in walking distance was a beckers, a creek and two (far apart) parks. technically my school was close enough to walk, but we were bussed because it involved crossing train-tracks and in the 70s a ten-year old boy had been killed on the tracks while on his way home from school (he was actually playing 'chicken' with his friends – super sad).

i do find that it gets my back up about the whole "suburbs" label, but i'm just going to have to let it slide. everyone has a different definition of what downtown is. i just think it's an issue of perspective.

electrical tape

we have this colourful stained glass ceiling lamp that i bought at a flea market in PEI many years ago. last week, brendan turned it on and the switch on the wire started smoking. we've been unplugging it ever since to avoid the switch. but today, i went to canadian tire to buy a new wire, and we had it repaired/replaced in 10 minutes. i'm super pleased with us. i'm very intimidated by electrical work. part of my pleasure is that we fixed it almost right away, instead of living with it like that for a long time, which is what we usually do.

mini

i was telling brendan yesterday, that i don't feel sad as we pack up our exile on main street. i think it's because we're not actually saying good-bye to it, but just "see ya later". it'll still be our house, and we'll live in it again some day when we're old. i feel happy about that, and really feel at peace.

this afternoon, while i cycled in the nameless waterfront park on my lunch break, i really relished summer. and i relished being out, bike riding mid-summer day. i concluded that if was at home with eamon, i wouldn't go out for a solitary bike ride daily, and i wouldn't ever make it down to the lake. one of these days i need to pack a sandwich and take it with me on my bike ride so i can eat it down by the water. it's really peaceful down there. it's pretty busy, lots of people take their dogs there or go for walks.

i was noticing today how much wild parsnip we have in millhaven. i knew we had a lot, but it's actually everywhere in large quantities. i cycle through a little bit of grass every day, and i'll have to make sure i stay away from the wild parsnip or it might swipe my leg. if you're not familiar with wild parsnip, it's like poison ivy, but worse because it grows aggressively. i think it's new to this part of ontario. they started sending out warnings about it at work just a few years ago. we get warnings about wild parsnip and bears.

i don't know about you, but i've been eating a lot of corn on the cob this year. it's so tastey. usually i don't eat it a lot because i think "i've only just had corn on the cob, i can't have it again", but i've decided that's silly! it's summer, and if i want to eat it every week i will. i eat watermelon every day, why not corn once or twice a week!?!? there's no rules about that!

tape gun

brendan, shannon, kat, todd, éamon and i all went to mandarin tonight for dinner. i think it's safe to say we all got our money's worth.

we're moving in 3 weeks! CRAZY! so we started packing tonight. i don't want to get overwhelmed by leaving it all to the last minute. so far it's going well. my dad likes to give us his "baxter boxes", which are the boxes he gets his dialysis supplies in. i also got some at the grocery store on saturday. so we're officially in box hunting mode.

sure

well... we had a home inspection yesterday at this second house, and everything went well so we get to move forward :) it's pretty exciting.

last night i posted an ad on kijiji for our current living space and received several inquiries by noon this morning. we have two separate people coming to see it tomorrow. funnily enough, it didn't occur to me that people would be coming to see our house, so it needs to be clean and tidy. like, i knew they would, but i forgot that that literally means them coming into our house and looking around. so i spent all evening tidying and scrubbing in ways and places long neglected. it was good though. i feel ready-ish.

we've been landlords for several years, but have never had to go through the process of meeting potential tenants and choosing people. nor have we ever had to prepare a lease. thankfully brendan found a build-a-lease-agreement website that did it all for us, we just had to click the appropriate boxes.

i hope this is a smooth process. it's stressful. we have a lot to do in the next few months and a lot of expenses. i'm kind of looking forward to mid-september when it's all done. but i don't want to wish away this significant time.

i love summer days like this. where we didn't have to rush off to my mom's after church, and we could lie around in the heat with an oscillating fan on. it's been nice.

i've heard rachel say a few times that she felt things really turned a corner with her kids at 2 years old. i totally get that. eamon's really changed in the last few weeks, really developed and is really engaged. it's nice. especially because he feels easier to manage. ten months to 22 months were the hard bits of babyhood for us. now he's just this little boy – getting more independent all the time.

yesterday we did something very adult and very boring – carpet shopping. i have such distinct memories of carpet shopping with my parents as a kid. it was SO BORING and lasted HOURS. i'd amuse myself by crawling on the rolls of carpet. it's just as dull as a grown up, but really only lasted 15 minutes.

a place to call home?

we made an offer on another house yesterday that was accepted. our home inspection is scheduled for monday. i feel trepidation, but optimisim. the current owner bought the place in 2010, and her home inspection went well. plus, she's done a number of upgrades since then.

i've loved living so close to friends. so has brendan. it's almost hard to imagine living on a street where we don't know anyone. but i remind myself that we didn't know ruth and himansu when i moved in on york street. and they've been a wonderful addition to our lives. i welcome this change.  i think it will be good to get out of my bubble and connect with more people. i certainly don't connect with people at my office. part of me hopes that living in kingscourt will expand the world of our community too, but i don't suppose it will. i was told once when i lived on york street that even that house was too far from downtown. the person didn't like going there because it was "too far".

it's a super beautiful house, and i'm excited about setting in deep roots there. to finally land somewhere lasting. since my mom sold my childhood home in 1998, i've kind of felt like i was drifting from place to place. the longest place i've lived by far was the maxi pad for 6 years. i feel like i'll finally get to exhale.

it's on brant ave if you're interested.

mcburney

this evening i went to the park to do a little photo shoot of eamon for his second birthday. i wanted to give a current picture to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. unfortunately, 1) it was super busy there so he was very distracted, and 2) i must've looked like one of those parents more interested in their devices than actually spending time with their kid ("eamon, look at momma", "eamon, say cheese", "eamon, please just look at momma") :S needless to say, i didn't get what i was hoping for.

while at the park i bumped into a friend of a friend. we got chatting because our boys are about the same age. in reminiscing about birth stories, he told me that their doula was a real champ. i casually said "i'm sure your wife was a champ too". he then surprised me by saying "well, the drugs helped". huh. i'm super glad that brendan's narrative around éamon's birth was that i was a strong, capable woman. things did not go smoothly, but he has never minimized my efforts or my strength.

distracted

every once and a while i'm reminded of the importance of screen time moderation. it's so easy to get sucked into being on devices a LOT. i'm really glad that we (brendan and i) don't have smartphones or tablets because the temptation would be far too strong for us to use them constantly.

brendan sent me a great article the other day about the impact on kids of parents who using devices excessive. not only does it model poor habits, but it also has a negative impact on their relationships (with their kids) and (their kids') social development. it was a good reminder/motivator. so i'm working on not using my computer when eamon is around. this evening, i found it helpful to jot down a list of things i need to do or look up after eamon goes to bed. it worked well because i was able to download onto the list the thing i needed to do, then let it go until later. i often do that at work with chores i know i need to do at home later in the day.

not surprisingly i found i had more energy and time after dinner and i actually tidied the house unexpectedly. one challenge is that i use my computer for a lot of things (music, weather, banking, etc). but it's really the internet that causes me distraction, not these other tools.

a year of work days

well... i've been back at work for one full year now.
it's been a bit of a roller coaster for me. there were times when i really enjoyed it and found the mental challenge really satisfying. there were also times when i found the job itself or being away from my baby/home/community too emotionally taxing and not worth it.

i've feel like, on the whole, i've been doing an alright job at balancing my home life (family, friends, house work, activities/social life, etc) and work life fairly well. i go to bed at a decent time, and have not hated my early mornings. i've seen eamon be challenged by his time at daycare and rise to meet it with strength of character and charm. i've also seen him grow and develop tremendously and i'm grateful for the influence of other nourturing adults in his life. brendan faced unexpected difficulties with his layoff and poorly handled dismissal last summer. he worked really hard to find a job and in the end was such a desirable candidate that he got several jobs. i'm proud of how he used that time and how he confronted that rough patch. i've also had the pleasure of seeing brendan flourish as a dada (oh dear, i'm getting all teary-eyed now). he's excelled as the primary caregiver each morning - getting eamon ready for daycare and tending to his needs. seeing b in that role has been a pleasure and not something any of us would've been able to enjoy had i not returned to work.

it's been a little bittersweet. but i'm sure that as time goes by, i'll remember the sweet more than the bitter. it even feels funny to call it bitter. it was mostly just hard, and the kind of hard that one does out of necessity. but we've made the most of it, managed as best we could, and found plenty to be glad for.

weaned

last night, before bed i realized that i was leaking breast milk because i haven't nursed eamon in 6 days. it made me super sad, and i had a cry on the couch with b. i've been trying not to think about this end of an era, other than focus on the freedom it gives me. i knew if i reflected on it, i'd feel sad. it saddened me that my body didn't know yet, and is still producing milk. i wonder how long it will take to dry up. geez, that's depressing too.

when we get back from cahoots, i'm going bra shopping. i'm gonna get me some nice, non-nurising bras that fit me well. that will help. it will be a nice consolation.

sights

we went for a free swim over at the water park today. it was super refreshing and because it was free i didn't feel badly for not staying for very long.

we're going to see another two houses this week. one of them is a little small, and the other is a little far north. too bad the bigger house isn't where the smaller house is. i'm trying to not to get ahead of myself. which is tricky because buying a house involves some envisioning your life there. apparently there are a few other interested buyers, so i might not work out. OR their realtor might be embellishing to apply some pressure.

it's now been 5 days since eamon nursed. when today, he had opportunities when i thought he'd ask and didn't. as brendan said, "he does have a short memory. maybe he's forgotten already".

sippy cup

after realizing that i didn't nurse éamon for two consecutive days, i decided we were on a roll and to keep it up. so when he woke up from his nap this afternoon and would've normally nursed, we distracted him by going to the park. tomorrow is gonna be tricky because he'll be expecting to nurse when he gets home from daycare. but we've now gone three full days, so we're making progress. i think we're both ready. i wanted to wean him around 2 years, and he turns two in 13 days. he still loves nursing, but usually loses interest and walks off. i think he mostly just likes having the option to nurse, because that kid is all about keeping his options open.

i'm sure if i allow myself to think a lot about this end of an era, i'd get sad. but it's a really positive milestone and i don't think i'll have regrets because 2 years is a good long run. i loved, loved, loved nursing him in the wee hours of the morning when he was a little tiny baby. but we've grown past that now, and we're moving into a new chapter. weaning, potty training, soon a big boy bed!

#myfavourite

this afternoon i lied (laid?) on my bed reading in our quiet house while a breeze gently blew the curtains.

rose-coloured

i've been thinking a lot about asbestos and life decisions. forgive me if i've said this already, but i found that my desire for that particular house was colouring my judgement and i could've easily decided to buy that house despite the asbestos, and then later lived to regret it. someone told me recently "we choose our own reality" and i think that's true. i could've picked the cancer-causing house, and then been sad and sick because of it. i don't fully trust my judgement because i know how quickly i'm willing to abandon what i really what (a smallish mortgage, a large yard and finished basement) for something pretty or available.

this will probably be a collection of random thoughts

i've been feeling pretty wiped lately. just haven't had the chance to get on top of things and to feel at rest. so i'm glad that brendan was working this evening because it gave me the chance to do some stuff around the house and have some alone time.

one of the reasons i'm glad we're staying put for a while, is because that when i think something is temporary i'm more inclined to put up with stuff or not deal with things. even when there is no end in sight, i convince myself taking care of my surroundings are less important.

i made fried rice for dinner tonight. i had no idea what to make for supper, but had decided not to make what i'd originally planned. i was so pleased with myself when i had the idea to make fried rice and even extra pleased when i had ALL the ingredients already. including 3 cups of rice. it was good to use up food that may have otherwise gone to waste. i feel like i'm only just starting to get better at not wasting food. we saw a commercial in the UK about how the average person throws out a third of their groceries. i was shocked by that, but also convicted that i frequently let things go bad, then throw it out.

lately i've been feeling more comfortable in my body. i think that's because i'm eating better and exercising at lunch on work days. i feel like i'm getting stronger and notice a difference when i lift my bike. for some reason, i decided to weigh myself, just to check up on that. the dumb thing is that i KNOW i've gained muscle, but i decided to weigh myself anyway. as predicted, i was 175. i have consistently weighed 175 since eamon was born. sometimes i've lost weight, down to 165 at the lowest, but i always bounces back to 175. that said, this morning i didn't let that bother me. i know i'm a different shape since 2 years ago, and i know my arms and legs at least are stronger. so i'm just going to accept that the weigh-scale is a poor judge of these things

over and out. i'm falling asleep as i type.

hold

i've felt really torn about this whole asbestos thing. on one hand, there are people saying "it's no big deal as long as it's not disturbed". and on the other hand, people in the realty business saying "there's no way of knowing if it's spread into the walls and ceiling. plus, it will affect the resale value". we're landing somewhere in the middle with "it doesn't have to be a big deal, but if we have the option to find a house that doesn't have asbestos in it, that's better". we know we won't regret not buying a house with asbestos in it. i really loved that house and i was so excited to live there, but i know that could affect my judgement and cause me to compromise on something i'd regret. it's the sort of thing that if we found out after we'd moved in, than we'd manage it safely, but it's if we can avoid it that's better.

it's weird that i feel a need to defend this choice, because it's really doesn't affect anyone else.

i had a bit of a cry after we confirmed with our realtor that we were not proceeding. but there's always another house. i like watching the house market and there are always houses coming up. it's just the sort of thing that when you're looking nothing's available. i know that someday we'll find another house that we'll love and think "i'm so glad we didn't buy that other one". 

crumble

it's funny how life repeats itself.

10 years ago i bought a house, and then didn't go through with it after the home inspection. http://saintdynamite.blogspot.ca/2005/12/hit.html

this afternoon, we had a home inspection on the house we'd bought, only to find it has asbestos in the attic. after talking with the home inspector, he said he would not buy that house in it's current condition, but if it was fixed it would be ok, we decided to ask them to remove the asbestos and install new insulation. seems reasonable, right? but the home owner seems incredibly stubborn and foolish, and is only willing to pay for 1 single test (we were told that even 3 tests couldn't guarantee that it was asbestos free), and even so that insulation needs to be removed because it's not up to code. so it looks like we're back on the house market. what a dummy. no one is going to buy that house. the danger and risk is too serious.

it's sucky because we really liked that house and the timing seemed good for renting this place out in september. a friend had connected me with a new faculty member at queen's who was looking to rent. so that will fall through too. BUT there's always another house. we'll just have to wait.

buzzkill

we spent a nice and enjoyable weekend at echo lake camp with many nexters, but not all. it was a nice pace and i was pleasantly surprised that i was not run ragged by my toddler. however, upon returning home i did feel rather overwhelmed by the mess i'd created by rushing to pack before heading out of town. so i set to work and got everything set in order. in fact, i've NEVER unpacked a suitcase the same day i returned home before.

rochester

well... my partner left the country for the evening and i'm at home feeling pretty tired. instead of doing something productive or good for my brain, i think i'll just watch some tv shows and laze around on my bed.

haggle

someone reminded me the other day that change often comes all at once. and it definitely seems we're in the middle of a change in seasons.

we put an offer in on a house yesterday and after some negotiation, the seller accepted our offer. so now we just need to complete our conditions and it's a done deal.

said house is up in kingscourt on hillcrest avenue. we're very happy. we really like that neighbourhood. it's a well-designed residential area still close to downtown, friends, amenities, bus routes, etc.

there's part of me that will miss this neighbourhood. but there's another part of me that's excited about being in a different place, and the opportunity expand my circle. i think it will be good for me to be further afield so my world doesn't grow too small or become navel gazing.

the house itself is lovely and i think it will suit us very well. it's more than double our current living space, which i suppose isn't saying much. it feels like our adult home for some reason. that's what comes to mind when i think of it.

moving day will be august 15!

continued

well... i talked to the vet today, and i feel a lot better.

he assured me that pekoe is in the care of a loving person and is not showing any signs of distress. he's very friendly and happy (as usual). so that's good.

also, he's going to talk to the animal hospital manager so we can be reimbursed for our euthanization payment, since that didn't actually take place.

i feel relieved. i didn't want pekoe to be put down, but he was much more special needs than we could handle and we didn't know how to find a suitable new owner.

as the saying goes... all's well that ends well.

and then there was one...

it feels as though since we got home from our trip to the UK things have not been going well. we keep getting hit by difficult things. most times expensive.

today, after several years of sickness and the stress of us trying to pre-empt pekoe from peeing all over the house, we finally decided it was time to put him down. except, the vet didn't want to do that. at this point we actually have no idea if he did it or not, but we know that he charged us way more than he should have. especially for not doing anything. so i'm going to call tomorrow to 1) complain, 2) find out if they actually put him down, 3) dispute the charges, and 4) complain again.

i also feel like brendan and i could really use a win. just something that would relieve some of pressure we've been feeling. like emotional or financial blood-letting or something.

green

lately brendan has been going to bed at the same time as me. i like it. last night, i was in bed before he arrived home from work, but was restless and still wasn't sleeping by the time he turned in. i like lying in the dark side by side talking.

lately eamon and i have been eating watermelon together. it's currently one of my favourite activities with him. i think it appeals to me because we sit together enjoying the same thing as equals. two people who like watermelon.

on fire

i've been doing this new thing where i only allow myself treats or less healthy snacks on weekends, and i'm liking it. this isn't a weight loss initiative, largely because i'm done with temporary weight loss efforts that get temporary results. instead, i want to change my approach to food.

maybe i'm a bit slow to figure this out, but some of the healthiest people i know are also those with the most simple and nutritious eating habits. and i realized... i should really change direction. change the sorts of things i'm eating.

i'm not blaming my parents (my mom is a very moderate eater and can eat only a bite of a halloween-sized chocolate bar each day so it lasts a week), but i grew up in the 80s, when kool-aid was king. my afterschool snacks consisted of red licorice and jumbo marshmellows. so i'm re-training my palette and changing my thinking about snacks. BUT not cutting myself off completely from tastey treats, or else i'd be doomed to fail. 

10 things i hate right now

• that brendan's pedals got stolen

• that éamon got bit at daycare and it broke the skin and bled a lot (and that he now needs antibotics)

• that the nurses at hotel dieu were rude to me

• that the children's urgent care centre closes at 3:45 (i either had to wait at the urgent care centre for several hours or take him to my family doctor tomorrow)

• that the dish rack is full

• that social media blabbed all the major plot info about the game of thrones finale (that i'm watching with b later tonight)

• that my friends are going through a hard time right now

• that my replacement necklace arrived today, but i wasn't home so it's at the post office and i can't pick it up til tomorrow afternoon

• that i breathed in gross city stink on the way home from HDH

• that my cat is using our front foyer as a litter box

quiet

lately i've been in a bit of a weird situation. i get up at 5:30 every morning for work AND my husband works til 11 pm every other week. but people keep inviting me out to events on weeknights.

i can't quite figure out if it's a courtesy invite (they know i can't come but they don't want to exclude me) or if they actually expect me to go out. are they're forgetting that i have several responsibilities that keep me in at night. or do they think i should still be able to go and i just need to find a sitter.

it's tricky because i like the slow pace of my life these days. all these invitations make me feel like i'm supposed to be wanting something different, but i don't. i kind of wish people wouldn't invite me because at least i'd feel like they'd understand my situation (it's mostly the early mornings. the working co-parents is a factor, but i'd find a sitter if it wasn't a going to be past my bedtime). but at the same time, there might be events that i'm available for and i don't want to miss those.

boooo. hisssss.

one thing i hate about the internet is the people who purposely give spoilers for tv shows and movies. brendan and i love game of thrones, and some guy hinted on a facebook friend's status about something major that happened in yesterday's season finale. brendan and i aren't able to watch it until tomorrow, so i commented saying "not everyone has seen it yet. i hope that's not a plot spoiler", and the guy replied and saying flat out what happened. i don't even know that guy. why would someone do that!?!?!

it was a real jerk move.

whoops

today i was cutting a banana in half for éamon and ended up slicing right into my index finger.

twit

i know that couples have weird fights sometimes. it comes with the territory. i have to say that i never thought brendan and i would have a heated debate about aaron carter and coffee way donuts.

to clarify, i actually mean aaron carter AND coffee way donuts. they were not two separate arguments.

crazy glue

brendan bought me some earrings on etsy a couple of years ago. technically they're ear pins and they look like feathers. i love them, because i have a bit of a thing for feathers. i find them really delicate and feminine, but also kind of bold and empowering.

sadly, one has broken slightly. the thing i've noticed lately about my favourite things is that they tend to break more frequently from regular use. i contacted the woman who offered to fix them for free or i can buy new ones. i don't know what to do because i don't want to be without them, but i also don't want an unnecessary extra set. sometimes i don't like making trivial decisions.

bakes

i don't like library books because i am a slow reader. BUT i'm trying to penny pinch right now, so i thought i'd take another stab at ebooks from the ole library. i'm not sure if they have a renew option, i think they might just expire at the end of 14 days. but brendan and i are between shows right now, so i'll focus more on reading.

it's difficult to find good books (especially when limited to library books) about women. and now that i'm conscious of this, it makes me all that more determined to find the few and far between books. i was reminded this evening of what a gem "the women's room" was. i managed to find a copy of "the bluest eyes", which was on my list of books to read. a few months ago, i naively mentioned to brendan "i'm thinking about reading this book called 'the bluest eyes' by this woman named toni morrison" and he laughed out loud because toni morrison is very famous and i made her sound new or obscure. but she was new to me :S

andean

while we had a nice weekend, i felt it was compounded by many stressers that are making me overwhelmed and as brendan said "catastrophise" things – like when i panicked about using beef broth instead of chicken stock in the soup i was making.

zombie

tonight, that while i lay on my bed listening to the 'what if god was one of us', i thought about my first heartbreak in 1996. i was 16 and his name was neil. it was dramatic, and angsty, horribly unhealthy and really drawn-out. i was so unhappy but thought i loved him because he gave me a sense of belonging that i longed for. i had several different boyfriend, one after another until 2004. when my heart broke the most and i decided i'd had enough and that i'd rather go it alone than risk that kind of heartache again.

years later, i met a girl (a friend of a friend) with an ordinary name, who spelled it an unordinary way. she and her boyfriend had just split up. she told me that she was sure they'd get back together, she just couldn't imagine life without him. and i told her that not being able to imagine life without him didn't mean life without him wasn't possible. and that i also thought that i'd also thought that my boyfriend and i would get back together and we didn't. i think she was really surprised to hear that her feelings were not original, but were actually very common post-break-up.

i don't actually know what happened with her and her boyfriend. we never crossed paths again, but i don't think they got back together.

toot

sometimes parenting feels like this tiny person is just trying to push my buttons by doing all the things that stress me out in a matter of minutes.

while considering this, i realized that my feet is my most sensory sensitive body part. if my feet are hot, the rest of me feels overheated. if my feet get wet while walking through dewy grass, it bothers me for hours. stepping on things is overwhelming. stepping with things like dry couscous stuck to the bottom of my feel is extremely aggravating.

if i'm going to survive this age/stage of parenting with my mental state in tact, i'm going to have to loosen up a little and lower my expectations.

burnt perogies

yesterday was a tedious evening of parenting. eamon cried at the drop of a hat. anything and everything made him cry, even things he usually loves to do. my interesting observation about this, was that when he was upset, particularly by me telling him no, he would walk away crying, then take a u-turn so that he was crying towards me and wanting to be cuddled. this is one of the most curious things about humans, often times the people who hurt us most are also the ones we want to run to for comfort.

forward

i don't know if i mentioned this already, but i'm growing accustomed to brendan's new work schedule and i don't mind his evening shifts. i might even prefer it when he works til 11 than when he works til 8:20. it means those evenings are mine to do whatever i'd like. when he works til 8:20, i tend to wait til he gets home.

sometimes caring deeply about something or someone sucks. caring takes way more out of me and means i worry way more than i would if i didn't care. i think i'm worried because there's nothing i can do to fix it. no, that's not it. i'm worried because it's bleak.

i think i might be pmsing, because i'm feeling rather glum and pessimistic tonight. is it obvious? plus, éamon had a longer than usual freak out tonight, and his dadda wasn't here to help settle him (he settles better for brendan than me). that was added stress.

time to go sleep it off.

sangria

sometimes éamon freaks out for a couple minutes when we put him to bed, but it doesn't last long and it makes the peace that comes after it particularly pleasant.

i've been reading this book called "the VBAC handbook" that i found by searching on my ereader. it was published in 2007 compare to "the VBAC companion" which was published in 1997. it's a british book, which is good because in my opinion our healthcare system is more similar to the british national health service (socialist) than the american approach to healthcare (capitalist).

among other things (like re-reading my birth story, and talking about the experience openly), i'm already finding it helpful. helpful in the sense that i'm no longer blaming myself and i'm feeling less frustrated. in particular, there was a chapter on factors that increase the likeliness of a c-section, and of the 11 reasons listed, i had 9 – early arrival at the hospital, continuous fetal monitoring, induction, an epidural before 4 cm (i'd asked for gas but was turned down), not being able to eat, not being allowed to move around (the IV and fetal monitor stopped me from doing anything but standing still in one place, which was why i got the epidural because i was so tired and weak and i couldn't use any techniques to reduce the discomfort), time limits, not having continuity of care (because i was transferred to hospital care for the induction, i had 3 different nurses in a 20 hour period), and not having the care of midwives (my midwives were present for the pushing, but not the labour, and even then they couldn't participate only encourage and support). the only other contributing factors related to previous pregnancies so they didn't apply to me. so no wonder i ended up with a c-section.

i feel like i'm turning a corner with that. i feel relieved to learn that it wasn'tmy fault. it wasn't that i was of weak character, or that i was incompetent, or not up to it, or less than other women (which are all feelings i've struggled with). we got caught in a tornado of crappy circumstances, and it's hard to stop the spiral, especially when the possibility of a c-section isn't on your radar. it never occurred to me that i'd have a c-section, so didn't take preventative measures. if i can avoid some or all of these factors in the future, i'm better positioned for a successful VBAC next time. that said, there are always internal factors that can't be planned for, but i can strive to reduce external factors.

pink

i've been awfully hard on myself lately, but that's only because i'm trying to give an objective critique of myself. and when people critique themselves, they know their own performance much better than other people.

one area that needs work is my volume. now, i have difficulty regulating my volume at any given time, but it's that much more difficult when i'm excited or frustrated. i'm not so concerned about the excited side of things, but i'd like to express frustration without expressing volume. in my defense, sometimes i feel like i'm not heard unless i'm loud.

i have conjunctivitis. it sucks. it started last night in one eye, but has since spread to the other. thankfully, my left eye (the first one), seems to be improving, so i'm optimistic that the right eye will start getting better soon. i woke up this morning with my eyes glued together. needless to say, it's gross and sore.

flutterboard

it's starting to occur to me that i put a lot of pressure on myself. maybe not all the time, but i want things to be clear and straightforward pretty much all the time because i get stressed otherwise. i don't need to know how things are going to work out, but i struggle with uncertainty. i think this is a 'child of divorce' thing. both brendan and joy struggle with that too. but i think i'm getting tired of this need to come up with a solution. i just want to feel calm and peaceful about the future.

at the moment i'm struggling deciding if i should return to work full time and give up my half days on wednesdays. i love having those half days, but the extra money would be helpful, and i think it's helped my transition back to work, but at this point it may not be as necessary. i dunno. although, realistically, it's probably not up to me. i was only given til june before this arrangement is evaluated. so i guess if she wants me back full time i'll do it and get the extra money, and if she doesn't care i'll stick with my 36 hour schedule. i wish my heart could be as rational as my head sometimes.

dynamics

i don't know if i've mentioned this ever, or perhaps just lately, but my dad wasn't around much from ages 9 to 24. he moved out when i was 10, and our relationship was estranged and strained most of the time after that. there were several times when he came through for me in practical or present kind of ways, but we'd also go 6 months stretches of not hearing from him. i was angry and hurt not just that he chose to leave, but that he chose not to come back (even at times choosing to live out of his car rather than coming home to his house and his family who loved him). i didn't hid how i felt and would occasionally give him a piece of my mind about it, then he'd disappear for a long stretch and reappear later like everything was happy and normal. in my early 20s (maybe around 23), my parents finally divorced and with that, and the timing of me being a young independent adult, i was able to have closure on that.

one of my favourite parts of having him as part of my life (and by life i mean my daily life - he calls several times a day), is the balance he provides to my identity. my mom and sister are a lot a like. not in every way, but they like similar things and share similar values and views. it's easy to feel like the odd one out, or like there's something wrong with you when you like X over Y, and no one else can fathom why. my dad shares my taste in things and in general has a more open posture. he's curious and interested in the unknown. he has a more creative-thinking, outside-of-the-box kind of mind - he's rather unconventional. and so, many times, the things i like that my mom and sister don't get, he likes too. it's good to have him to balance that out and make me not feel like a weirdo.

that's probably the main thing i value about two-parent parenting. the balance of perspective. no doubt that's more difficult to negotiate if/when each side is speaking extremely conflicting messages. but on the whole, it still provides two perspectives. that said, i'm sure it's also difficult to negotiate when parents share bad behaviour or damaging outlooks. a little bit of diversity is good on the parenting front as well as everywhere else.

crumbs

we planted our fourth consecutive garden today. i'd have to say, it's quite lovely. i'm optimistic that it will be luscious all summer. i'm trying to get an outside spout installed, which will help make watering it easier.

it was also the most awkward planting experience. we've never had a crowd of spectators as we planted before. i felt like i needed to work faster because folks were waiting.

i like having the "mother's circle" group on facebook for asking questions. but sometimes i have to take the comments there with a grain of salt. some people take themselves too seriously.

where i'm at

i don't know if its the timing or if i've had one or more recent triggers, but i've been thinking a lot about my experience of giving birth to eamon. after sharing this past sunday in an interview about that experience, it's clear to me that the hurt and "trauma" and sorrow i feel is still super fresh. the physical scars heal much faster than the emotional ones. when he was first born, i thought a lot about it, trying to reconcile myself with how things went. telling myself that i had not failed, and asking brendan repeatedly for reassurance "you don't think it was that i was too weak or cowardly to do it, do you?" after months of attempts at positive thinking, i pretty much concluded "you'll do it next time" and tried to drop it.  

at some point in the last fortnight, it's dawned on me that i can't rely so heavily on my next birth experience to make up for my last birth. (ugh, i always feel a need to say this...) i'm not pregnant and i'm not trying to get pregnant. but i do want to have one more baby someday, and i think it would be prudent to have worked through "everything" before then so i can start fresh. sure, i'd like my next birth to be my dream birth experience, but if my last birth revealed anything its that regardless or desires and intentions, it's gonna happen how its gonna happen. birth is raw and primal and insane and unpredictable. which is why it's both beautiful and scary at once.

if anything, i don't know if i had enough respect for its feral nature. when i was pregnant, i'd say things like "i think it'll be fun!". thinking back now, i think i underestimated its force. it was fun as a spectator at my sister's births, which i guess was where i was getting that from. now i think it's more like those experiences i've had that have been super hard and i've border-line hated it at the time, but when i'm done and look back on it i think "that was amazing!"

i've started reading a collection of VBAC stories (it's ok, but had i been the editor i would've slashed a lot of the non-birth related stuff. the first story read too much like a blog and the woman seemed to share everything that came into her head). part of me wonders what i expect to get out of this book, but i suppose i'm enjoying reading atypical stories.

at this point, i kind of feel like i should set my expectations low for my next birth. the reality is, simply being awake will feel like a major step forward. ironically, last time i felt that because i desired to avoid interventions that would be enough - that i wouldn't need anything because i didn't want any. i don't know what i'd feel next time, but i know that desires are not enough.

anyway, i might reflect a lot on this for the next little while. it's all just part of the process of processing i guess.

globes

nancy and gerry are away so éamon and i went to walk their dog maisie this evening while b was at work. brendan's nana has been house sitting, but at 85 walking a fairly big dog is too much for her. i had a really nice visit with her. i like learning about people's lives, and for some reason older people's lives are particularly interesting to me. maybe it's because their lives are much longer, and therefore much fuller. i dunno.

i should really go tidy the kitchen, but i'm feeling lazy. it seems i waffle in between being super productive and super lazy. i just want to wear baggy clothes, tuck myself into bed and read my book. i might also make a cup of tea and some toast. messy kitchens be damned!

i love watermelon.

it's probably my favourite snack.

the problem is that they're kind of hit and miss. and you never know if you have a good one until you crack it open.

steps

well, it was a good day for landlording around here.

brendan and i picked up a washing machine for andrew and shannon for $45 from kijiji. it mostly fit in the back of our new car, but having a backseat passenger made it more difficult to fit (otherwise, it would've fit no problem). we did try to secure it with a bungie cord, but the guy we bought it from actually tied it together, and i think i would've done a more secure job. it nearly fell out at a stoplight on a hill, and i ended up hoping to the back seat and just holding it in for the rest of the way.

next, we went to rona to buy wood to rebuild our picnic table. it has a good sturdy metal frame, but the wood was rotten (growing mushrooms and everything). so we worked on that while éamon napped. it's nice having a baby monitor so we can do things outside during his naps. i'm looking forward to having visits and drinks with friends and neighbours – particularly on the nights that brendan is working because i feel more hindered those nights. drinks and chats sounds wonderful to me.

even though, or perhaps because, i had such a lovely and rewarding weekend, i feel ready to return to work tomorrow.

unfollow

after reading an online article about myers-briggs versions of hell, brendan and i had a brief discussion of what my worst nightmare is. his is super obvious and that article was very accurate. but it was much less clear for me.

i dunno, maybe i just don't have only one...

yes, being rendered incompetent would be bad, but i think that's because it's counter-intuitive for me.
and sure, having to overhear people criticising my choices, hobbies/artform, etc, would be awful, but i think anyone would hate that. AND i'm pretty sure after a few days of that i'd be like "screw it, i don't care what you think" and then rendered indifferent.

i'm inclined to think having to do ANYTHING over and over again for eternity would suffocate me.
i don't know if that's because my greatest fear is ACTUALLY being super boring or uninteresting.

or maybe that's not a fear but just an alarm that tells me i'm falling into a rut. *shrug*

riley

my jaw dropped this morning when i opened google news and saw the top story was about b.b. king. immediately my eyes started searching for specific words, and quickly caught "passed away", and knew it had finally happened.

before dating brendan, the loss of b.b. king would've been sad because he was a well-known, well-loved musician. not by me, but i knew his name and knew he was an icon. but since dating brendan, b.b. king is significant to me because i know what he means to brendan. i remember him saying to me years ago "everyone always associates me with eric clapton (for obvious reasons), but all i've ever wanted was to sound like b.b. king". he told me that he often thought about what he would write when someday b.b. king dies to articulate how he felt about him. personally, i'm quite intrigued to read that, if he does actually write it.

i haven't had the chance to talk to b yet about this news, no doubt by now he's heard about his passing.

brendan is someone who feels deeply about the people he admires. i often try to explain to friends, family and acquaintances "brendan loves... [insert any number of people]" but always find the word "love" isn't strong enough. shannon is similar, which isn't surprising because brendan and shannon have a lot of similarities. sometimes i feel one dimensional compared to them because they care so deeply and at most i care moderately. perhaps it's the idealist in them. i'm passionate in other ways (i think). hmmm. i know i get passionate about things, but can't think about what those things are. am i just drawing a blank because i'm trying to think of something?

well... i like that everyone is different. it's probably a good thing. not probably, it IS a good thing :p

yesterday, when i was cycling at lunch time, the wind was so strong that i didn't even have to peddle and i was still moving at a decent speed.

anything

i was listening to my itunes while i folded laundry this afternoon, and continued listening while éamon and i ate dinner. a song came on that i haven't listened to with regularity in quite some time. it took me back to 2007. and as i listened and i considered several things...

i thought about how music in my late twenties defined my life much more than it does today. i still like music very much. but i find that it's more one-off songs rather than whole albums getting under my skin. i kind of miss that.

i thought about my single days – pre-brendan, pre-éamon – and concluded that it's a shame that that time in my life was somewhat spoiled my a loneliness for a partner. i had a lot of flexibility, wonderful friends (and still do), my own apartment that i loved, a clear sense of self. it's really unfortunate that i struggled with worry about my future, struggled with my sense of belonging, struggled with my sense of value.

i thought about how music and/or alone-time are my thin spaces, and how i miss that. my head space, my heart space and my living space is too full with daily stuff to really inhale the sacred in the way i have in the past.

i suppose the reality is that a little bit of turmoil goes a long way with nurturing my spiritual health. i've been thinking with renewed frustration the last few days about my experience giving birth to éamon. how things did not go as we'd hoped. i'm still working that thru – the disappointment, the frustration, the confusion, the feelings of failure. i actually thought that i would know God's presence in the birthing process, but didn't. but maybe i'm supposed to find him in my discontent and longing instead.

pedals

this evening i've had a headache. i've been holding a bag of frozen cranberries to my head for the last 45 minutes. it's surprisingly soothing.

now that we've been night weaning for a week, everyone's been sleeping better, and i feel like we're starting to turn a corner. éamon's got his own room. i get a normal night's sleep. we'll soon be potty training and he'll be graduating to a toddler bed. it's exciting. i'd kind of forgotten that things wouldn't always be this way – nursing and diapers.

brendan was interviewed on the local news on sunday, and it aired tonight. he was talking about the M centre's farmer's market. pretty funny/neat.

ugh. i'm gonna take my headache and put myself to bed.

one last thing... i'm looking forward to my hair being longer again...

thistle

i really enjoyed cycling on my lunch breaks this week. i'm actually really surprised how physically capable i am. meaning, it's not a struggle or strain, but instead i can cycle quite fast and maintain the speed. i don't even care if i lose weight (although, that would be a nice bonus), it makes me feel healthy both physically and mentally.

sometimes at the end of my ride, i'm covered in mayflies. sometimes i hear them splatting against my helmet as i go down the hill toward the lake.

arrangement

it's always being said that people sleep better without a computer or device in their bedroom. if that is true, i find the difference very minimal.

now that we've been living in our newly adopted bedroom for 2 (going on 3) nights, i have to say, i super like it. i'd forgotten how much i like having my computer in my/our room. i've often found that i don't use my bedroom otherwise. it's nice hanging out on my bed – reading, watching movies, napping, chatting on the phone (to my dad mostly, he's the main person who calls a lot).

fresh start

well... sometimes i surprise myself.

this afternoon i moved a lot of furniture and managed to set up a room for éamon and a room for us. i'm super pleased with the outcome.

and now i'm super pooped.

off to bed for me!

either/or

i don't know if it's just me, but i've concluded that parenting is a bit of a crap-shoot. and no, i'm not referring to diapers.

i'll come up with (what seems to be) good ideas or approaches to things, and it seems completely random if it works out as desired or not. and then there are the things that worked yesterday and don't work today.

recent flops:
- "let's book a late night flight, so that he'll be sleeping by the time we board and he'll just sleep the whole time"
- "let's take the underground/DLR/tram"
- "these new baby-proofing locks will keep him out of these drawer"
- "i can make you an english muffin, dada says you always eat the whole thing"
- "the baby can sleep in our room til we eventually get a bigger house"

recent win:
- "let's get him some blueberries to eat during take off on our flight home"
- "let's look up the sign language for 'please' so he can ask politely instead of yelling at us"
- "i'll just take him with me to your show and i can leave early if he gets tired or freaks out"
- (he falls asleep in the car on the way to my mom's) "let's just lay him down in her spare room"
- "i got this sink caddy so he can't reach the dirty knives"

there are two recent wins that i'm particularly pleased with. i might even say i'm thrilled.
1) i got eamon some puddle jumpers for swimming. they're still a little big for him, but he did really well. he was actually SWIMMING - kicking his little legs to get where he wanted to go. it was amazing! i was a super proud momma at the pool.
2) after reaching a breaking point with eamon's sleeping, i moved our mattress onto the living room floor while brendan was at work last night. i've concluded that i can't sleep in the same room as eamon anymore for eamon's sake. i was sure that my presence was disturbing his sleep because he just wanted to nurse and knowing i was in the room but not nursing him would make him enraged. so anyway, i super enjoyed reading in bed (not something i'm usually able to do since the light is always off in our room when eamon is sleeping). BUT most significantly, HE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE ENTIRE NIGHT! i realize this does not guarantee a win tonight, but it's a step in the right direction. we'll eventually move the bed into the den. i just don't think we'll have time until the weekend.

surprise

we've lived without a microwave for years, but recently we'd had a change of heart and decided it would be a useful asset. so we purchased probably the smallest one available (with the added bonus that it was on sale) with a canadian tire gift certificate. it's pretty little. you could probably get a way with calling it a fun cooker.

for two days now, i've enjoyed slightly heating some cranberry-orange loaf and baking a potato in less than 10 minutes. those are the only things i've used it for so far, but i'm pleased. i wish we had room for both the fun cooker and the toaster oven, but alas, we don't.

(i thought i posted this on friday)

i think i equally enjoy being productive and relaxing. this evening, i got a whole lot of housework done AND finished a book curled up on the couched under a blanket.

today was frank's last day of work. he's retiring after 40 years with the company. that's a crazy long time. i'm going to miss him, my good friend, colleague, mentor and grown-up advise giver. but i'm glad for him. this is a huge step and i think he'll be very happy retiring. it got my remembering how much i loved my mat leave. i'm quite convinced that there's nothing better than getting paid to stay at home and just live your life.

(i thought i posted this yesterday)

on friday i took my first bike ride of the season on my lunch break. except, i forgot to pump up my tires before putting my bike in the car. needless to say, it was an extremely difficult bike ride, but enjoyable nonetheless.

HI-larious

so josh sent me a link this evening to a video i'd made in 2006 that was posted on youtube. from there i found my youtube channel that i haven't uploaded to in 8 years. but the one video (one i made to give directions on how to find the door at the maxi pad). oddly enough, it's received over 750 views. i have NO IDEA why or how. it's almost a little creepy. well... i'm not worried, i don't live there anymore and that house has been completely re-done so that door entrance doesn't even exist, so it's not a danger or threat to anyone. but still... that's a bit strange.

aux

well... we got our new car today, so that concludes THAT whole ordeal.

it's a kia sportage, so we're calling it the sportaj mahal, after this guy :)

shuffle

i had a really nice evening with eamon while brendan was at work. i tried to mitigate challenges – like how he always dumps the cat's food into the water bowl, by leaving the water bowl empty for a little while. i also got him to help me with supper – i cut the brussel sprouts and he put them in the (empty) pot. this seemed to work really well.

this weekend, we should install some cupboard hooks so he can't open the doors. i think that will help too.

aside from that, it was a beautiful day, i enjoyed two nice walks, i'm enjoying my current book, i had a yummy supper and watched one episode of the americans with brendan. not a bad evening.

dragons

well, i've been home with a headcold today. i'm definitely feeling better, so i think i'm on the mend. i'm glad, because i know i have time sensitive things to deal with at work.

since yesterday evening, when i started feeling under the weather, i've been super impatient with éamon. i don't have a lot to offer him, and he's been rather demanding, per his age.

i'm starting to think it might be time to rearrange our living arrangement, so that he has his own room. this is a major sacrifice for me since i use our den A LOT. it's largely my space, and i really value it. but i also know i'd value éamon sleeping through the night and not waking frequently to nurse. i'm of the belief that he'd nurse less at night if i wasn't in the room, but it's really just a theory.

i tried to get some expert advise on weaning a toddler – because all the online advise on weaning is for mothers of young babies. i can't find anything about nursing a toddler, and i think weaning at this stage has it's own distinct set of challenges. but he just said that his objective is to help people nurse, not help them stop. and questioned why i even wanted to start weaning. which super annoyed me. i don't feel i should have to make a case for myself to get some good advise.

that said, i mostly want to stop because it's starting to become a negative experience. he screams and yells at me, he grabs at my body and freaks out when i say no, he won't soothe himself back to sleep at night (even though he can), his tantrums at night disrupt ALL of our sleep. i really feel we'd all be better off if we started to wrap it up.

i'm going to bed...

abercrombie

*exhale*

well... things are brighter. we think we've found a suitable car that we'll be happy with and we can afford. we just want to think about it for a few days first. i'm pretty sure brendan's car is going to die in the next week as well, so i'm eager to get a car. that said, i also don't want to rush into anything.

this is my first time car shopping, but went along with my mom many times as a kid and teenager. i realized the things she cares about when considering a car are not things i care about. she considers the colour of the inside, the brightness, how big the windows are, etc etc. a lot of aesthetic things. while brendan and i care about the functionality (spacious, stick-shift, large trunk, power windows, etc) and if it's affordable. the aesthetics are less important because we'll get used to those things. in the past, it was always a 'take what you get' kind of thing.

once all this is wrapped up, i'll be able to think/write about our trip.

i really like the sound of the birds chirping outside :)

the worst

life is strange. one minute you're driving home, refreshed and renewed from a wonderful vacation. the next, your much loved, dependable and rugged car breaks down on the road and is declared dead by a mechanic.

i feel like all the freshness and energy of my trip has disappeared because of the loss of my car, which is really disappointing. sometimes i tell myself "at least it wasn't on the way to the airport", but if it had, at least we would've had time to process this major life change before having to do something about it.

since my office is so far away, i can't just go carless for the time being. i wish i could because i'd like the freedom to look around and buy something i'm really happy with.

this sucks.

i was telling brendan yesterday, if money wasn't an issue, i'd be happy to get a new car. the two rentals we had in the last week were really nice and the drive was smooth. but money is an issue, and we can't just buy whatever car we want. we're probably going to have to get a compact car – which has it's advantages for sure, but i really associate cars with freedom and a compact car will really limit what we can and can't haul around.

all of that said, things are pretty bad. we're stressed and emotional and jet-lagged and disappointed and argumentative and frustrated. i'm hoping this will blow over soon, but i might just have to lay low for a week.

enroute

we're at Washington Dulles airport, on our way back to Toronto. we'll arrive there and stay over in a hotel tonight than drive home tomorrow. with the five hour difference, I won't be surprised if eamon wakes at 1 am :S

much to say... we've had many adventures. but I'll wait til I'm home and have a proper computer.

that said, brendan and I agree that this was our most diverse trip - with the largest range of activities. it was really cool. we're pretty tried, but happy :)

Sent from my iPod

away we go

well, we leave this evening for london. i've been feeling really excited about it, but since this morning i've felt a little anxious. i think éamon might be starting to cut a molar, which is not pleasant. after his last teeth came through, i thought we'd be scott-free for a while, but he's had some teething symptoms, so i checked a baby dental chart this morning and these next ones come in between 20 and 31 months, and he'll be 21 months next week :S bad timing. we'll just have to put on our broad shoulders and take precautions.

we're well prepared. i only have a few final things to pack today, then we'll head out to toronto later in the afternoon. i've been remarkably surprised by how smooth packing for a family with a toddler has been. brendan and i have a big travel backpack each, and we have one large beach bag type of tote bag for our carry-on. we have some new small toys that eamon's never seen before, and i got two toddler-aged apps for my ipod. if nothing else, i'm sure it will be a memorable journey!

i think this will be fun:) the weather in london this week is around 15° C all week, and 18° C on friday!

over the pond

we've been spending the last few days getting ready for our trip to the UK. we leave on monday. our flight is not until 23:10, so we have a lot of time still. i'm actually going to work a half day that morning. i've been super intentional and methodical about packing for the three of us, and so far i've found success.

there's pros and cons to traveling with a toddler. here's a few i've thought of:

con: we'll have to go at a slower pace than we're used to
pro: we'll discover another side of our destination (parks, playgrounds, zoos)

con: we'll have to get up earlier in the morning

pro: we'll get up earlier and make the most of our day

con: we won't be able to watch as many movies on the plane

pro: we'll probably get more sleep

con: we'll have a toddler sitting on our lap

pro: he flys for free – which is basically like get getting a 2 for 1 rate

con: we might have to deal with a screaming/crying toddler (for various reasons)

pro: we'll get to board early

con: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the worst in people

pro: having a toddler on a flight sometimes brings out the best in people

purple porridge

once again, i've fallen behind with my writing.

i've been reflecting lately on how i struggle to do things consistently. i wish i was able decide to do something and just do it. there's so many wonderful things i wish i had the self-discipline to make part of daily life. it might not even be a self-discipline thing. some personalities types are more prone to patterns and routines. i'm not one of them.

i gave my dad a drive to the train station today. without going into the long story involving his purple porridge, i realized how similar we are. how much effort we have to make to not overlook details, and how frustrated we get when we goof-up. because my dad was absent from my life for quite a long time, there's still a lot of things i'm still piecing together. sometimes i feel like an adopted person who is getting to know their birth parents and discovering a bunch of similar traits. i like it. it's nice – it helps me not be so hard on myself.

the girl at work

once upon a time, i was an environmental technician at the hospital.

looking back i'd have to say that job made a significant impression during an impressionable time. i was fascinated by the hospital environment, but never felt so invisible in my life. it's one of those jobs that people need done, but don't really want or need to see the person doing it. so they look through you. you're just someone performing an invisible task, and not someone necessary for them directly. there was one patient who saw me, and would thank me every day when i emptied her trash. that made me feel a little uncomfortable because i did it because it was my job, and no other reason. but now i understand that it was her way of acknowledging me. we have a new cleaner at work. up until now, we had night cleaners. but they've hired this girl, who cleans during the day (if i had to guess, i'd say they did this because it's cheaper). she looks to be in her mid-20s. i realize that i might be projecting, but she looks like she feels invisible - the insignificant person performing an invisible task. so i've been trying to make eye contact with her, which is tricky because she keeps her eyes down. but i'm trying. because i know that she's no less important than anyone else there, and i want her to know that i see her. that she's not actually invisible, even if she feels awkward cleaning up after people while they sit around typing.

peach fuzz

brendan's nana is in her mid-80s. she has glaucoma and mac-degen – so is nearly blind. she can't really see faces. tonight, at an early family easter gathering, she asked him "brendan, do you have a beard? good for you!". she was really impressed that he was able to grow a beard. the rest of us, just looked at each other and tried not to giggle.

he's had a beard for 8.5 years and we see her fairly reguarly.

layers

i've been thinking lately about weight. one's weight in general. i've observed, both my own experience, and that of other people, that it's extremely different to lose weight without gaining it back. i'm not entirely sure if it's physiological or if it's the result of a person's behaviours and habits.

i have not returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. i am both disappointed about this, and indifferent. i really don't think i could've or should've done anything differently to lose that weight. upon reflection, i know that i did not have good eating habits during my pregnancy because i thought i would easily lose weight from breast-feeding. i think i've lost all my pregnancy-related weight, but haven't lost the extra weight i gained from having no self-discipline. my current eating habits are good, or at least mostly on-track. so there's part of me that feels i should just accept my body as it is, and just dress accordingly. get rid of all my smaller clothes that i've been hanging on to, and yada yada yada. it's tricky because it's hard to know if that's "loving my post baby body" or just giving up.

oddly enough, i haven't come across any articles or blog entries about women who are dissatisfied with their bodies after baby. i've heard some women share about disappointments about specific body parts, but no one has expressly said they are struggling to come to terms with their new shape. maybe i'm the only one. or maybe women just don't talk about it.

i wish i was one of those women would could be in awe of her body – amazed by what it did. instead, because of my c-section, i feel miffed that my body failed to perform. it literally couldn't (whether it was external or internal factors, we won't know til i try to birth again) do the job it's meant to do. so i'm left feeling let down AND bulky.

there's a few other girls at work who have had babies in recent years, and they may be 10 sizes smaller than me. i know everyone has a different body type, but it just reminds me that other people return to normal and i haven't.

i just want to be comfortable and at ease in my body. i wonder if that will ever happen.

many many decades

my dad turned 70 today.

which is kind of crazy. he's starting to look his age. and he keeps falling down (sometimes because of ice, and sometimes because his legs give out). he's need dealing with shingles for a couple months now, but are finally starting to go. he's also lost a lot of weight and is looking frail.

it's interesting seeing your parents age. all things considered, he's doing very well. he is managing his dialysis very well, especially considering it's self-administered. he also does a good job at trying to stay positive.

i was born when my parents were in their early to mid-30s, but only because aware of their age during their 40, which seemed really old back then. it's kind of strange to think those younger versions of them are gone, and they're only going to get older and more frail. i feel a little bit like society does not teach us how to care of elderly parents. but i want to figure out how to do that well, with patience, sympathy and appreciation. because i do appreciate them both.

my best impersonation

i would say, one of the biggest misconceptions about me is that i'm an organized person. i am not. i'm actually quite disorganized and i have to make a great deal of effort to pay attention to details. i make this effort because i get overwhelmed easily and i wear regret like an itchy sweater.

no where is it more evident how unattentive i am to detail is when i'm knitting/crocheting or cooking/baking. in both cases i either don't pay close enough attention or make incorrect assumptions while ignoring the instructions. then i must improvise to correct my mistakes, which sometimes works out, but often times it doesn't (such as our supper tonight).

there are also more important goof-ups. like forgetting to book meeting space before sending an invitation for focus group sessions to 450 people. then scrambling to find available space. or arriving over an hour late for dinner with a full belly to a friend's 30th birthday pizza party.

all that said, i feel like there is a limit to how much to blame i am for my oversights. and i draw the line at buying expired milk at the store. there are a lot of details in the life that i struggle to stay on top of. so if i decide that it's reasonable to trust that a store is not selling sour milk and don't bother to double check the best before date, i'm not going to accept fault for that.

truth be told, i noticed upon arriving home that the best before date was three days ago, but i thought i would improvise and taste it anyway. eamon had been waiting for some homo milk since the previous evening, and i'd made a special stop to pick that up for him. not surprisingly it was indeed past its best.

to add insult to injury, when i drove back to the store to exchange it today, i neglected to ensure that the carton was in a non-spillable position. and as a result of THAT oversight, sour milk leaked all over the passenger seat in my car. 

catch up

that stomach bug really disrupted my good habits. i haven't been eating well. i haven't been writing daily. i haven't been doing my lenten readings. i've been wasting time online. i think it's time to hit the figurative reset button.

SO, let me get caught up.
last thursday...i finished "the women's room". i really enjoyed it. it gave me great pleasure to read about women. even if it was a specific kind of women, and not a particularly diverse selection.

on friday, i took my dad out for dinner to swiss chalet. it's his favourite restaurant. afterwards we went to value village and costco. we had a nice time, and it was the first time that eamon showed excitement in seeing him. my dad turns 70 this friday, and is really looking his age.

on saturday, i decided i wanted brendan, eamon and i to go out to the golden rooster for lunch. during the winter, we've been real home-bodies and i've been starting to develop cabin fever. it was nice to go out and do something normal again. eamon ate really well both at both the golden rooster and swiss chalet (he didn't throw anything or make a big fuss). so i'm encouraged that he'll be alright when we're in the UK.

sunday was a nice slow day at home in sweatpants.

we're leaving for london in two weeks, which feels nutty. last night we set-up eamon's peapod (sleeping tent) inside his crib so he could start getting used to sleeping in it. it was touch and go at first. he was super disoriented and kept waking up and crying. but it made me glad that we're climatising him to it now. eventually he slept alright. i look forward to him getting use to it. it will be so much easier taking that places for him to sleep in, rather than a pack and play.

vinegar

i had this super weird interaction with a stranger today at david's tea. she came up to me and asked me about my stroller. this is not uncommon. for some reason lots of people are interested in it and where i got it, etc. she specifically asked me how much it was (not something anyone has come right out and asked me before), so i told her, and explained about the extra features we got to convert it from a bike trailer into a stroller. she listened and nodded. then eventually she said "i just got a bike trailer at target for $38". not knowing what else to say i responded "wow!" and was sincere about it because that's undoubtedly a bargin. but then had nothing else to say. the lady said nothing else, and walked away.

i felt funny about the interaction, but tried to act normal and friendly when i passed her on my way out the door. but ended up concluding that she purposely came up to me, a complete stranger, to brag about the price she paid for her trailer after specifically checking to make sure i paid more than she did. i felt dumb, but i also felt cheated because i was just being a friendly fellow-mom, and she was setting me up for a competition. i don't partake in "the mommy wars" so i'm not accustomed to that.

part of me feels justified in feeling mad and taken-advantage of. but another part of me feels sorry for her, because she clearly doesn't know how to interact with other people.

tickle

thank goodness, i seem to be feeling better. last evening i did not develop my usual stomach cramps and abdominal pains. phew!

i might be developing a cold now, but that is ok with me. i'd rather have a cold. my left nostril has been super itchy since 3 this morning. i can't tell if it's just that i'm coming down with something, or if its possible that a small spider has crawled up my nasal cavity. is that possible? i don't see why not.

today is one of those days*, so i'm going to have to pull together all my resolve to make the best of it. this is the day i have to work with, so i'm gonna make it my beast of burden.

---

*when i (deeply) wish that my time was my own to spend with my toddler.

that guy

i sure like being married to brendan.

i think he's super smart.

i like watching the beatles anthology with him.

and, i like how nerdy he is about music history.

i can't imagine him with someone his own age.

i don't think many girls his age would 'get' him.

we're really, very well suited.

ironically, as i write this, he's inexplicably listening to "party in the USA".

stupid intestinal bug

so i'm still struggling with bouts of stomach cramps, etc after a week of on and off symptoms. but i'm feeling encouraged because i looked up 'enteric' symptoms, and it said that symptoms can last up to 10 days AND that vomiting is rare (the guys vomited, but i didn't and i was a little confused about that). it seems to me (if the internet can be relied on as good medical advise) that come wednesday, if i'm not fully recovered i should see my doctor and get some antibiotics. hopefully that won't be necessary. i've identified two things to be true...

1) lying down, completely still seems to help my abdominal pains pass

2) i feel the worst after 4. i can go all day feeling alright, but when late afternoon comes i start to feel sick again.

i'm gonna go to bed now and lie still.

storytime

lately i've been second-guessing myself. usually i have good ideas about things, or come up with decent plans, but in the last week or so, my ideas have not been so good or at least are not air-tight. on the bright side, i have brendan who can think about my ideas and tell me if they're bad or decent. 

all that said, things are starting to come together for our trip. it's hard to know what to expect with a toddler, but i'm sure it will be an adventure.

clear the air

there's a man at work this week, visiting from another site apparently, who's sitting in the cubicle beside me. although we're 4 feet apart, and there is a glass barrier between us, i can smell his breath. it's just awful. it seems to fill the air around us, and i can tell you... he needs to floss :S

mother down

i've been MIA lately because i was taken down by a stomach bug that was working its way thru our trio - first eamon, then brendan, lastly me. the guys both vomited, and i didn't. but i feel like mine was bad because it coincided with the arrival of menstrual cramps. anyway, it seems to be gone now, but our appetites having been slow in returning. i mostly feel like i've been kicked in the stomach, which really doesn't make me want to eat.

timing

last night was unpleasant. between me sleeping restlessly, éamon waking and fussing more than usual, and brendan getting up to vomit repeatedly, the whole thing just dragged out.

on another note, sometimes it's hard to please everyone. and while i'm not a people pleaser, it's hard for me to juggle everyone else's preferences when there are reasons outside my control for things unfolding as they do. ugh.

warm

i had two unexpected highlights today.

1) while enjoying a sunny walk with éamon (who was in the backpack carrier), i slipped on some slush and a man who was passing me in the opposite direction managed to grab my hand and help keep me from falling over at the last second. i was nearly on the ground and éamon was calling out in fear, when he caught hold of me. it was a very kind and neighbourly thing to do.

2) scarlete popped in with tala for a quick hello, which turned into a cup of tea. it was nice to catch up, even if just briefly.

hometown

i looked up my grandparents old house on google streetview today. they lived in a small town on the irish sea called st-annes-on-sea. i'm very fond of that town. it's small, and slow paced, but i feel so warmly towards it. sometimes i think about how i'll never again get to go back to that house on gisburn ave, and smell that distinct grandma's house smell. and it makes me sad. i wish we'd lived closer to them. i didn't know my dad's parents, so i really missed out in the grandparent area. i'm really thankful that we live close to our family, and that we get to spend time with our nieces and nephews regularly, and that éamon will know his cousins and grandparents well.

we're going st annes when we're in the UK. i'm excited to return there and to show brendan my home-away-from-home.

things

despite the fact that éamon was vomiting in the night and we went through 3 bed sheets and 4 pairs of pjs, i had a really nice weekend. it seemed to be the right mix of socializing and home-time.

i've been feeling a bit sick to my stomach since the first whiff of his barf, but thankfully i haven't thrown up myself. i spent much of the day with him sitting on my lap while i checked out different hotels in london. we're leaving in less than a month and all the good family-friendly hostels are booked up :S i enjoyed his cuddles. it was a nice change of pace. i don't get to cuddle with him like that as often how that he's a busy, on-the-go toddler.

soothe

i've re-picked up yoga this week on the evenings that brendan works late. it's odd, because i used attend a yoga class every week, but haven't done it since i was pregnant. it's like i even forgot about it. but i concluded that i needed to find a productive way to relax rather than just sitting on my butt (which i do all day anyway). since it's been a while, and i specifically wanted it to help me relax, i found a low-impact 30 minute video that i really like. my body feels good and i feel much more peaceful. this is good. i feel like i'm on the right track.

i'm always feeling like things have turned a corner and i don't feel so overwhelmed by éamon anymore. i THINK it's that he's a little more focused in his exploration, but it might also be that i've adjusted. maybe it's a bit of both.

left and leaving

i super, SUPER hate leaving my crying baby in the morning to go to work.
i hate that i can't stay with him.
i hate that i have to turn and walk away.
i hate that it looks (to him) like i'm choosing something else.
i hate that it's sending the opposite message to what i want to send (one of comfort, care and presence).
i hate that i'm leaving someone i love to go to something that i'm pretty indifferent to.

i remind myself that it won't always be like this. that a time will come when i can stay with him.
but it sucks right now.

supercontinental

i've noticed lately that i've been missing a real sense of restfulness. that's probably the thing i miss most from mat leave. i'd already starting thinking on ways to incorporate rest back into my life when my mom made a comment about her own life "i've become a real slave to my lists. i'm trying to go off list more often". i've too have been using lists a lot lately, in an attempt to help me be productive and effective with my non-work time. but i can see how i'm becoming too rigid and disapproving of myself for napping and doing other restful things. so enough of that. time to find more balance.

delightful

today might have been the first time i've felt like myself all winter. it was my half day today, which allowed me to have a visit with my mom, pick up some lunch on the way home, eat lunch with brendan, have some nice momma+baby time while putting éamon to sleep for his nap, followed by a couple hours of reading on the couch. i had another quick visit with brendan while he came home between the end of work and an evening staff meeting, went for a walk with éamon, picked up a few items from a few stores, grabbed a latte from DT, and had some delicious leftovers for dinner. all the while feeling positive and mentally-healthy.

heathrow

just booked our trip to the UK! we wanted to go in may, but everyone at work had already booked their vacation in may and the end of april. so we're going in early april (5ish weeks!). that'll come fast. so we're suddenly in vacation planning mode :) it's a little stressful but i'll be fun.

taxes

sometimes i'm not great with my spare time. it's unusual for me to have a sunday where we don't have anything on. an unfortunately, i found that i didn't really know what to do with myself. sad really. i think it was partly the weather, and partly that it took éamon two hours to fall asleep for his nap, so i did my free-time activities while he was still awake.

i guess that just happens. sometimes i just get restless and can't identify what it is that would that i should do.