lows and highs

I've been pretty sick all week. I worked half days on Tuesday and Wednesday, then had all of Thursday off.

(my new computer browser keeps auto-correcting my lowercase letters. so annoying!)

when I woke up today, I was feeling much better and was almost pumped to go into work. but my sensitive stomach got jarred by a speed bump just blocks from my house, and I ended up vomiting out my car door. since then, I feel worse again.

I was a little worried about solo-parenting last night while Brendan was working. but, I was pleasantly surprised by how cuddly eamon was last night, and I enjoyed just sitting close and chatting with him. so in the end, not only did we manage, but we had some quality time together :)

winter sux

I'm coming down with a cold. I haven't had a cold in a long while. I actually can't remember the last one I had. it's kind of crappy timing, because I'm so tired, and Brendan's working evenings all week (thankfully he didn't yesterday, so he took care of eamon while I laid around).

I miss summer. I miss hanging out in our backyard and taking eamon to the park. we'd walk across the field in our barefeet and play in the sand. instead I've been feeling really cooped up in the evening, and I don't feel creative enough to come up with something interesting to do indoors.

i got a date!

yay! i knew i had this thing for a reason :)

i need a date...

deathcab for cutie is coming to the K-ROCK centre in march. brendan doesn't want to go.

now, i know that they're not a great live band because they sound the same as their albums. but it would be a fun outing, and i like their music, so i don't mind just hangout out for the evening listening to their songs.

does anyone want to go with me? the tickets are very reasonably priced (for an arena) and since it's not at a bar we'll be home by 10 (11 at the latest).

oh, and metric is opening for them. granted, i've seen metric a buttload of times, so that's not a huge drawing card for me, maybe that's some added incentive for you?

http://www.rogersk-rockcentre.com/event/metric-death-cab-for-cutie-the-lights-on-the-horizon-tour/

voluntary windy winter walks

yesterday I was feeling super crumby because of the weather, but things are looking up!

both yesterday and today I went outside for a lunchtime walk in the minus 20 and 23 temperature. there is almost no shelter at my office, since it's this wide open space and the wind blows right through from the lake. but I was bundled up and sometimes i shielded my forehead with my mitten. it was mostly super cold when walking into the wind, walking away wasn't so bad. I'm actually really proud of myself and it makes me feel good (both physically from getting the exercise and fresh air, AND mentally). I'm going to try to keep it up. yesterday was beautiful, the sky was bright blue and the snow was so crisp and white. it was very picturesque. today, not so much, but I mostly walked with my face down anyway. it made me consider getting a balaclava.

thoughts on breakfast, continued...

you know how I was trying to change my breakfast habits? well, I've had some success.

while I've settled into eating the same thing every day once again, I'm ok with that. I don't need variety in the morning. I just need something I like that I can depend on.

I've started eating grapefruit with half a piece of toast with jam. I used to eat grapefruit for breakfast, and I don't really know why I stopped! I like grapefruit! yesterday I tracked down a grapefruit spoon. it didn't work super well. I think i'll still need to pre-cut it with a knife, but I think it would work well with that minor adjustment.

winter reset

the weather is really affecting me negatively right now. I feel very un-invigorated and blasé. as a result, I've decided to take a break from screens for the week. I feel like that will help me reconnect with my creative self and find interesting alternative things to do.

a complete screen detox isn't possible since I work on a computer at work, but that will be my only screen time. at home I will be screen free. and even then, I think i'll avoid checking the news or twitter. I feel over saturated by media, and I need to have some breathing room.

yesterday was nice. I worked on my puzzle and listened to cbc all afternoon. it was good and I liked learning new things through the interviews.

today is officially 'blue monday' because people are feeling most impacted by the weather, and their new year's resolutions are slipping. thankfully, I feel my new years resolutions are still on track, and I'm enjoying the positive benefits they are bringing to my life. it's just the dark and the cold that's getting to me. ugh!

in the news

i don't want to jump on the david bowie bandwagon, with everyone commemorating him. but I will say this...

i wouldn't say i considered myself a fan, but i also wasn't not a fan. i liked several of his songs, but didn't know enough of his repertoire to claim the title of a fan. he was an interesting person. i didn't really like the movie labyrinth. BUT, the thing that amazes me about him, is that despite being social weirdo - pushing boundaries that had never been pushed before in pop culture - he is a well-loved and respected musician.

basically, i think he was just super ahead of his time. this is a guy who is just two years younger than my parents, but couldn't be more different to them.

ALSO, nowadays the internet steals many of the "gasp! WHAT?!?!" moments. it's rare to hear things through the grapevine rather than on a computer screen. to date, I've had two good, "WHAT?!?!" moments with Brendan. 1) when i told that jian was fired from the cbc. 2) when david bowie died. b asked "WHAT!?!" about 3 or 4 times before it registered. that was quite satisfying.

connected!

you know... sometimes it's just the small wins.

today i figured out the way around the firewall and can now access twitter and music.cbc.ca at work again!

oh man, i can't tell you what a difference this makes. it's a real game-changer for me. a mental life-saver. both help me feel connected to the world outside the walls of my office. 

i'm so relieved.

i woke up with a sliver in the palm of my hand this morning.

i definitely didn't have it when i went to bed last night. 

SO STRANGE!

it's still there. i can't get it out. my hand is all red and swollen around it.

sticks and pucks

one thing's for certain, kids are not tiny replicas of their parents. 

i know this from first-hand experience (as a kid of a parent), and i know this from observing other parents and kids. so i prepared myself when i was pregnant with eamon, that there was going to be things we differ on. things he'll like that i don't like, opinions and beliefs that he'll have that i don't share. but i always hoped that i would show an interest in his interest and encourage dialogue and room for him to grow beyond my frame of reference.

at 30 months old, this is already starting to happen. whether it is the influence of extended family, or his own independence, but my son has discovered hockey. 

this is extremely strange to me. i did not grow up in a family that watched or liked hockey. i also have never dated a guy who was into hockey and i didn't marry one either. as a complete outsider to the world of hockey, it seems to me that people who like hockey are crazy about it. and that's not something i can understand. that said, i'm sure that there are plenty of people who are moderate in their enjoyment of hockey, they're just less vocal about it then the ones who are hockey-obsessed. 

so this week, i tried to take the high road when allowing eamon to get a book about hockey from the library. hearing him say the words "my hockey" over and over does rub me the wrong way, but that's only because i fear a hockey-obsession. part of me worries (probably like lots of parents over different interests) that if i humour a small interest in this sport, that it will become a life-long vice instead of a light-hearted past-time. 

but in the spirit of letting him be his own person, and trying to be open to the things he will introduce me to, i will try to embrace this interest. it helps that he's also been obsessed with dogs, trucks and buses lately, which probably won't carry over to adulthood. so i need to lighten up and just let him have fun :) fingers crossed it will stay fun and not become a painstaking irrational devotion. 

morning foods

i've decided to get more creative about breakfasts.

when i went back to work in 2014, i decided that i'd get creative with my lunches, and i think it's fair to say that has been a success. unlike in the past, i have not been eating the same thing every day, i haven't just been eating leftovers, and i haven't found my food boring.

breakfast poses a unique challenge – preparing something when i'm tired and rushed. in the past, it was always cereal or toast, for a while there it was just a rice cake. i tried googling ideas for quick, healthy breakfasts, but nothing appealed to me. i've found i don't have the right kind of blender to make good smoothies.

this morning i had a hard boiled egg (pre-boiled yesterday), slices of tomato and a slice of challah bread, which i was pleased with. the only downer was eamon had a melt down yelling "egg, egg!" until i ate it all and there was nothing left to share with him. next time i'll just have to boil more so he can have one too.

i should try to brainstorm tomorrow's breakfast or i'll probably have the same-old, same-old.

i'm not thrilled about going back to work tomorrow. it would help if my computer crisis was corrected, but i don't imagine it will be. but i'm going to try my best to not be miserable or tried.

resolve

well... moving ahead without my AWOL year-end blog entry....

i'm pretty pumped about 2016. i feel ready for change, and feel like it's time for changes in my life. i want to start doing all those things that make me feel better having done them. things that each day, when i crawl into bed, i think about how i didn't do those things yet again, and then feel frustrated with myself. if i want to do them, i should just do them! so i will.

in keeping with that, my new year's resolution is 'completing 1-minute tasks'. anything that will take less than 1 minute to do, should just be done. stuff like putting dishes in the dishwasher instead of on the counter, putting my clothes away after wearing them, stuff like that. i am ridiculously bad at not following through with such tasks.

i've also purchased a better exercise bike, that should arrive on monday. my goal is not necessarily to lose weight, although that would be nice, but to adopt a regular exercise routine that i will do for the rest of my life. i learned to floss every day, so why not exercise regularly? i always wish i did! interestingly enough, 10 days away from work and i'm already eating better. i was eating well when i was on mat leave, but clearly those practices did not last. there's something about work that causes me to eat out of boredom. so i want to fight that habit. no doubt eating better and exercising more will help me feel more comfortable in my body. i would like to be fit, not thin; strong, not skinny. i think i was that earlier this year, but since i haven't been cycling at lunch, i've really gotten soft.

so basically, this is a year about making better choices for myself. and learning to follow through.

what the what?!?

so i just realized that the big, long year-end blog entry that i wrote yesterday did not get published and i can't find it in the drafts either, so i'm SUPER ANNOYED! i wasn't initially in the mood for being reflective, but i decided to get my head in the game, and ended up being really happy with what i wrote. ARGH!

BOOOOOOOOOO

maybe i'll try to re-write it later.

SUCKS!

name game

i've had the last name lorimer for 5.5 years, and have recently been told by my husband that i say it wrong. i'm sure that we had a conversation years ago in which we agreed that we don't pronounce the 'i'. i took that to mean that we drop the 'i', but it turns out that he meant it's more of an 'aw' sound than an "ee" sound.

lo-ra-mur

1000 pieces

my sister gave me a puzzle of a painting of toronto island for christmas. i used to do puzzles a lot, but i haven't have space for puzzles in the last 4 years, since we didn't have a kitchen table. so i was delighted to have the chance to work on a puzzle again. at first i felt a little rusty, it was a busy puzzle and i wasn't sure where to take it after i did the border. but i got back into the swing of things, and was delighted that brendan and beckie both joined me with puzzling. it's really relaxing to do something peaceful and slow-paced to work on whenever we have a chance. we started it on saturday, and finished it this afternoon. so i guess i'll need to get a new one tomorrow!

it feels a little nerdy to be excited about puzzles. but surprisingly, it felt really good. i think partly because my christmas vacations since eamon have not been as restful as they once were, but this gave me that sense of rest, hermiting and creative problem-solving that i enjoy about my 10-day break from work.

self-preservation

brendan and i had some conflict on the weekend about parking in an arby's parking lot when there wasn't room in the starbucks we were going to.

he wanted to park there. and i REALLY REALLY didn't. especially when i saw the sign specifically stating that the parking lot was only for arby's customers.

when trying to explain my distress about it later, i said "i'm a worse-case scenario thinker", but this isn't exactly true. often times, i can't imagine how things could possibly go wrong, and then find out when things go wrong :p i'm not someone who assumes the worst about everything. instead, it's more accurate to say i am not a risk-taker – at all. i don't park in places i'm not supposed to, i don't let my kid stand inside shopping carts, and i don't call-in-sick to play hookie. if i perceive a chance that something might go wrong, i don't do it. life is full of enough unfortunate incidents that i try at least avoid all avoidable heartache. i can do without getting my car towed, having my kid injured from a fall, and damaging my professional reputation.

obviously, danger is a reality in life. i don't avoid all danger or else it would be impossible to live. but i suppose i view danger and risk as two different issues. and i guess for me, risk involves a element of choice. i remember watching a ted talk once where the woman talked about regret. she mentioned how regret often results from a small decision that could've gone either way – when simply making the alternate decision could have produced a different, more positive result. that's what that impulse is for me ultimately: a quick diagnostic of how much i might regret my decisions.

i don't gamble with what's important to me – my time, my loved ones, my integrity, my heart.

delayed

it's funny. i woke pretty early this morning (as i often do since my body is used to waking before sunrise), and i felt excited. i guess the enthusiasm for a new beginning just waited until the beginning actually started. it's nice getting a clean slate each year, and wondering what will happen over the next 12 months :)

going and coming back again

i spent some time this afternoon reflecting on turning 36; and found my conclusion troublesome.

i'm not sure if it's my stage of life, or if its the age of 36 specifically, but i feel that i lack a certain enthusiasm that i felt in the past at birthdays. not about getting older, but i always felt hope and optimism about the year to come. i had a sense of forward-moving momentum, that i was growing and developing as a person. while 35 was a year of big events and life changes, i don't necessarily equate this year with a time of character growth. and i'm left wondering if there's something wrong with me, or does character development even out as one gets older, or is it just that my focus has shifted and my concern is more for eamon's development than my own. i'm not unhappy, if anything i feel quite content. i guess i just miss that enthusiasm a little bit.

my reflections also led me to think about this...

i don't dislike change. it's usually something i welcome. i do struggle with uncertainty, with varying levels of anxiety depending on the circumstances and my state of mind at the time. i've known this for a while. it seems common among children of divorce. it's funny because from the time my dad left to the time my sister got married, everything stayed pretty much the same. and yet, i just couldn't get comfortable because some figurative door was left open. it wasn't until my late twenties that i felt settled and the door was shut. anyway, i've noticed something new related to that. i like the peace of gentle familiarity. it's like with a kid, who does better when they have a bedtime routine because they know what's coming next. deep down, i like a consistent pattern to life. not a daily routine, but more of an annual routine.

i wonder if that's why i feel troubled – because part of my consistent life pattern involves deep introspection and personal growth, and my current state is a departure from that. one thing i have learned since the summer is the importance of thinking on the present rather than the future. let's be honest, i've spent a lot of my life anticipating the future. it's probably time to be fully present, especially with a toddler.

well, here's to 35. it's been a good year. perhaps at 36 i will learn to be introspective AND live in the present :)

wet pants

our house has been a little chaotic lately, especially after i was so lazy over the weekend. so i'm very pleased that i mustered my whatevers and i actually got stuff under control. except for our bedroom, but maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

i'm only going to be 35 for a few more days. getting is older is a bit weird. i don't know about you, but as a kid it was impossible to imagine being anything other than young. part of me thinks i got so used to it that it makes aging difficult. not that i have a problem with aging, but simply that it's a gradual change that i wasn't really prepared for.