there was a time, when i had to be very conscious and intentional to live in the present. i made an effort to embrace life, and was mindful to do new things every month. i loved taking the chance to stop and reflect each year on what filled my year.

now i'm on the flip-side, where i am very immersed in the present and not much else fills my mind or time. i feel sometimes that this amount of present is pretty overwhelming. it would be nice to dream a little, and to have some space to reflect and ponder. life is very saturated at the moment.

i do get small breaks, tiny respites from time to time, but i generally i use them to sleep. for example, this afternoon, i had a nap on the couch during otis's nap. unbeknownst to me, brendan also laid down for a nap, leaving éamon on his own. he spent 2 hours in the living room, patiently waiting for someone to read him books, and attempting to read them himself <3

anyway... let me try to get back on track, and attempt to recall this year's most significant bits:

• in january, i started volunteering at next one day a week. otis would come with me, and i would juggle him and my duties there at the same time. i enjoyed having something concrete to do. tasks that gave me a more immediate sense of completion, than diaper changes and navigating a 3-year-old's tantrums.

• winter brought weekend boredom. what does one do on saturdays with a preschooler and a baby? well, we decided we would end our saturday activity drought by going out for lunch every saturday to various (and generally new) restaurants. it gave us something to look forward to, and only once was the service too slow that our children started to act-up.

• i had a nice little routine with my fellas – mondays we went to the library group, and fridays we went swimming. tuesdays gave me some downtime at home.

• in april, we went to mexico for a week, and had a fabulous time. by then, otis was sitting up on his own, and starting to get more engaged. our hotel/resort was ideal for a pair of backpackers with kids, and we had a fantastic time. éamon still talks about that trip with gratitude and wants to go back to 'mexico' again.

• in late spring, i felt more capable juggling my two boys on my own, so i reduced éamon's daycare schedule to two days a week, which gave us more time together. this generally went smoothly if i had monday activities planned. it generally went poorly when our summer tenant was around with her kid.

• we opted not to go away on summer vacation, since we didn't really know what our finances would look like come autumn. why? because i gave my resignation to bbd after 14 years there. that has been a very positive change. i have kind of missed the steady pay cheques, but have not missed the commute, the office environment, the boredom, the time away from my kids, etc.

• in september, éamon started school, and otis turned 1 year old. i've enjoyed walking éamon to school, and picking him up. that has really helped enlarge my worked and get to know people in our neighbourhood. otis started walking around 13.5 months, and i have loved, loved, LOVED it. watching otis grow into a toddler has been a joy. my two sons play together so wonderfully.

• also in september, i started officially working at next. (b likes to tease me that volunteering at a place, then telling them that you can't continue unless they pay you is one way to find a job) and i started providing after school care to 2 primary-aged kids. it's been fun developing a relationship with them, and seeing éamon with playmates.

• i feel like brendan and i are still finding our way with our new financial reality, as well as our current level of tiredness. but it helps knowing that this is just our phase of life, and both will be better in a few years' time.

• my time, energy, resources and interest level in self-care and relationship investing is not where i'd like it to be, but i try to cut myself some slack. i hope others do too.

this afternoon, brendan and i went to see the latest star wars film, and left out kids with b's parents. it felt really good to be out and do adult things. i realize that this time last year i was feeling pretty buried by the daily routine of parenting, so maybe it's just that time of year again. but i'm struggling to keep perspective of the best parts of this stage with my kids. i'm really loving 4.5, and i'm finding myself eagerly looking forward to otis being 4.5 and eamon being 7, so we can do stuff like go to museums, the movies, read novels and other kid stuff together. i think i'm just tired, and feeling tired of always navigating and negotiating life the hard way.

i really want to have some good perspective, and to really cherish all the stuff that i'll miss and remember fondly. but for now, i guess i'm too tired to fully appreciate the stuff i take for granted.

i guess i'm also disappointed because brendan's having second thoughts about us taking a trip to NYC with the fellas this summer. he doesn't quite feel up to it (having experienced our trip to the UK with a 20 month old). i don't want to rush this stage, but i want to live my own life too.

birthday eve

today is the eve of my 38th birthday.

it's funny to think of myself in my late 30s. time passes quickly.

we went out for lunch with my family today to bella bistro. afterwards, we drove past my childhood home, and showed it to éamon, since he was asking about it. it felt good to be there. like no time had passed. i think that's the thing about time. it seems to pass and not at the same time.

i'm not particularly thrilled about my new number, but ultimately, i'm happy with where i'm at with life. i have much to be grateful for, and i am. i kind of wish i had more time for loafing around, but really... the people i admire most in life are not people who waste time, but rather people who make the most of their time.

in recent months, in particular, i feel like i have tried my hand at several new experiences. things i've never done before. and while they have not been easy, i have benefited and learned new things. so i'm really grateful. doing new things has always given me lots of joy, so i'm glad that i'm continued to be stretched, and courageous enough to push myself outside my comfort zone.

so, thanks 37 for everything you gave me and taught me.

and here's to 38. to everything it brings and every new venture.

rose: this beautiful winter day that didn't feel too bad, when dressed appropriately.

thorn: having a bizarre conflict with someone i'm acquainted with about something we simply disagreed on. in the end, i think i could have been more initially convinced of her point of view if she had taken a different approach to explaining it in the first place. i was not meaning to be "disrespectful" with my actions (as she put it), but i recognize that i could have been more considerate of those impacted.

garlic

my life feels very full these days. not in a bad way, and not in a time-poor way. it's a pace that I can manage. it's a slow, consistent pace, and one that is energizing rather than exhausting. come evening, I have a short window of time, that (when I'm lucky) I get to sit by the fire with Brendan, watching our latest show on Netflix. that said, partly the reason my days feel full is because I've been working on a website for a friend, and it's been dragging out. so often times I need to use my spare evening time making progress with that. thankfully, it's not due to complications on my side, but rather because of changes or content on their side of things. 

anyway, this is the most full my life has ever felt. my time is pretty much all allocated. it feels that I am not able to connect with friends as much as I'd like. its not that I feel disconnected, because I don't particularly. we all have our own lives, and our own stuff going on. I'm hopeful that we will have more time for one another in the next season or stage of life. maybe it's because I do have relationships forming through my work life, and through my presence at eamon's school. maybe this is what makes me feel different than in the past, I was isolated in my workplace and had no natural forming relationships to make me feel grounded. 

rose: it was my turn to sleep in this morning, which is a rose in itself. but my favourite part was waking up to find my two sons wearing their capes and playing together in their bedroom :) seeing their blossoming relationship is so so so special.

thorn: we went to the fat goose sale today, and i didn't find anything to buy. i was disappointed, because i like to support local artists. but i find there just isn't a great price range. it's unusual to find something (that's not tiny) for less than $10, and i simply don't go to these things prepared to spend over $100.

rose: lately i've changed my approach to dishes. since eamon was about 20 months old, we've been making him carry his own dishes to the counter. i'd discovered that he did that at daycare, so i knew he was capable of doing it at home too. but last week, i decided it was time for him (and brendan) to start putting their own dishes in the dishwasher. it's made a huge difference. after that stuff is done, there's hardly any dishes left for me to do. it's really great.

thorn: up until last week, i was really enjoying having the doors open at next, or having them unlocked while i worked there, with a sign saying "you're welcome to come in". then one day, a man came in to meet up with someone, but she wasn't there yet, so he just waited for a half hour. he seemed harmless, but my imagination wandered to how he could potentially harm me while no one else was there. i shared that with brendan, who lectured me about how i need to not be naive about that. i got mad because he was mansplaining at me about the vulnerabilities of being a woman. he later recognized that too. anyway, since then, i have been more reluctant about putting myself in that position, and that's really disappointing to me. i hate that that's how life is for women.

rose: this afternoon, the after school kids spent our time together drawing themselves as superheros. they each picked what superpower they would want, and then designed what they'd look like. they cooperated really well, helping each other and sharing pencil-crayons. it was really nice. i've been noticing lately that éamon is less energized by being together as a group, and a little more calm. i'm enjoying us getting into routine and establishing norms.

thorn: after several nights of sleeping straight through, otis had a terrible night sleep last night, and cried for the better part of 2 hours without anything we could do to comfort him.

roses:

• having a normal fight-free day with b doing our christmas shopping

• getting a little bit of web design done (just enough to be productive, and not enough for it to be time-consuming)

• spending time with otis

• éamon developing relationships at school

• getting to watch a movie while i ate lunch

• making snowflakes with the after school kids

• éamon and otis breaking my plant pot and hilariously trying to hide it (#brotherantics)

• having no significant/noteworthy thorns

thorn: my stomach has been in knots all day. my freelance-related knots have been exacerbated by the relationship-conflict cause by said freelance work.

rose: otis.

rose: i always enjoy PA days, because of the break from our regular routine. i took eamon to do his christmas shopping this morning. AND he graduated from a car seat to a booster seat. i'm really loving that he can unbuckle it himself when it's time to get out. getting kids in and out of carseats is draining.

thorn: i'm experiencing some hurdles with this website i'm making. mostly on the logging in side of things. also, i realized that i needed to get started on the calendar i make for our parents every year. i enjoy doing it, but i do find myself questioning this task i've given myself. especially while i stay up late working on it and brendan is sleeping in the bed behind me. it's not his fault. there's no way i'd relinquish this design project to him. but i don't know how to even things out. christmas seems to exacerbate the gender-roles divide.

i forget most of the time all the little (and big) things i have in common with my dad. growing up through my teen years with my mom and sister (who are very alike in a lot of ways), i often felt different from them, and steadily felt weird or less than. they are both naturally tidy. they do weekly chores with dedication. this week at sunday lunch, we spoke at depth about my mom buying an expensive vacuum. i assumed that joy would tell her that it was too expensive for her budget, but instead she encouraged my mom to buy it because it was a very good vacuum. eventually, i had to say "i am not the right person to be talking to about this, because i don't vacuum very often". now that we have carpet downstairs, i vacuum once a week for roughly 10 minutes. joy vacuums every week for TWO hours. so having a good vacuum is worth every penny. their houses are guest-ready all the time. mine is not. it does make me feel like i'm failing, even though it's not something i value.

on the other hand... my dad is messy, but knows where to find things in his mess. he priorities cleaning/house work similar to i do (but probably slightly less because of social gender norms around house work), in a relaxed and optional manner.

tonight, we both attended a meeting at mbes tonight with my city councilor. i wasn't sure if he would stay the whole time, since it wasn't his district, but he did. he sat with the same posture as i did. we have much of the same quirks. brendan often says that "george will never die, as long as you're around". thankfully he finds my dad amusing, as well as wily and agile.

i'm very grateful to have been able to get to know my dad better as an adult. it helps me remember my place in my family, and not feel like an odd one out.

rose: i haven't knitted in... i don't know how long. i have become quite partial to crocheting. this is partly because i prefer making THINGS rather than CLOTHING. but also, when you make a mistake with crocheting, it's super easy to fix. BUT eamon asked for a scarf recently, so i got out my needles and whipped him up a nice infinity scarf. i ran out of one of the two colours about two-thirds of the way through and i switched to a multi-colour yarn. at first, i wasn't sure i liked it, but it really grew on me, and i'm really happy with how it turned out. AND he loves it.

thorn: eamon has a bit of a bug or something, and ended up pooping his bed last night. we discovered this when otis needed to nurse in the night. unfortunately, otis decided he didn't want to sleep, and was up for the next 1.5 hours. so we were all running late in the morning, and we missed the bell by like 12 minutes. probably the worst part though, was discovering that someone stole brendan's ipod from our unlocked car over night. they don't even make those kinds of ipods anymore, so it's especially frustrating.

rose: this weekend was filled with family. we saw everyone but joelle. we went to costco on friday. took our boys to their nana and papa's house on saturday so we could go out just the two of us, went to my mom's for lunch (and saw my sister, brother-in-law and their kids), then had a playdate with ben, meg and audrey. i'm really thankful that we have all our family in one town, and we see each other frequently.

i'm also thankful that i got to go hangout with some lady friends last night :)

thorn: tonight i was trying to come up with a christmas gift list to give my family. and i concluded what i really want is a litter box that is never poopy, never smells and never gets litter all over the floor. and a house that is self-tidying. it really doesn't take long for mess to accumulate and i find it so overwhelming.

rose: i don't have a costco membership, even though i like going to costco. i go with my dad instead. it's a really great opportunity to spend time with him. it's been a while since we've been there, and there was lots to look at. unfortunately, the food testers were just getting set up, and taking their time at it too! so even though we swung by several times, none of them were ready. but we had a good time, nonetheless, and we got some useful things at bargain prices. my two sons and my dad and me.

thorn: we took the bus there. a different bus than we're used to taking. the way there was very straightforward, but the way back was not. then later today, conflict broke-out among the after-school kids, right before their dad arrived. so with both experiences, i feel that our time did not end on as well as it should've. i did manage to get off the bus (even though the bus driver drove past it), and the kids were not fighting when they left, but i would've preferred a more positive note to finish off the week.

after years of a solitary commute to work, i have been struck by how different life is when commuting on foot and via public transportation. now, i know that i am quite partial toward public transit in general (years of working in the transportation sector gets under ones skin), however, it's the social aspect that i'm really enjoying.

not only am i getting way more exercise, i love seeing the same people every day. i like piecing together their stories. no wonder nancy has 'bus-buddies'. my short but consistent journey down to next a few days a week, is really a weekly highlight. 

i'm sad to think what i was missing out on for all those years without realizing it.

rose: i just dug out a pair of knitting needles for the first time in what feels like several years. éamon asked for a scarf, so i told him i'd knit him one. it feels good to be handcrafting again.

rose: sometimes it just feels good to tell someone how you feel about something, and for them to laugh with appreciation and understanding, then give you a hug.

rose: time spent with children can be a real crap-shoot. it's difficult to determine in advance how it's going to go, because there are so many unknowns and so many uncontrollable factors. but this afternoon, my time with the afters-chool crew was the perfect combination of everyone getting along well and playing productively. i always know things are going smoothly when i have the freedom to vacuum. they actually played house, which i think was the first time that's ever happened.

rose: i found my missing favourite hat (that i lost on sunday) AND i found my favourite mittens that i lost LAST WINTER! unfortunately, i have spent money twice trying to replace them with half-decent mitts. but i'm still grateful to have them back, because they're still the best out of the three pairs i've got.

rose: i enjoy playing with the after-school crew. we've been really into pictionary and hangman lately. last week we played a finding game where we gave clues saying hot and cold. sometimes it's tricky with otis, because i have to keep an eye out for him (he just constantly puts things in his mouth). anyway, i really enjoy connecting with them that way.

otis is full-on walking now. he toddled around the house for most of the day.

thorn: b and i had a fight today about money. well... it wasn't even about money. that was more a jumping off point, and the fight was really just about our regular sore parts.

rose: today i was told that my contract at next has been extended for the next year at the same number of hours (they had warned me that they may need to reduce them in the new year). everyone on the board is very pleased with my work, so they want to keep me at my current workload. that's very encouraging. i am happy with my current routine and arrangement. over the next week, i have to start preparing a draft of a new website for a local political party that has hired me for my graphic design services. i really welcome this additional challenge, and hope to integrate it well into my week.

also, after a lot of dithering, i think my mom has found a good and suitable place to live. downsizing from a house to an apartment. it'll be within a 10 minute drive of my house, and 5 minutes from joy's house. i'm really encouraged about this decision (i hope she doesn't change her mind again).

thorn: otis has been fussy during times that he's supposed to be sleeping. and because this is occurring when i have my time (either relaxing or sleeping) i have not been wanting to rise to the occasion.

rose: i love when i feel super comfortable in my clothes and DON'T look like a complete slob at the same time. it is rare, but a winning combination.

the kids and i were busy playing 'hot and cold' this afternoon (when they hid something and we took turns finding it with 'hot and cold' hints). it's always fun when we find something that keeps us occupied for a while and in a positive way.

i LOVE that otis is walking so much. it's really great to see him turn into a little boy, rather than a little baby.

thorn: i am not strong at time management. and getting out of next in time to pick up otis, then make it to the bus can be a challenge. especially when others are around to chat with. i was definitely running late today, so instead of going to our regular bus stop, i went directly to the closest express bus stop, and it turns out i'd made up time and was still able to catch the #2 bus there.