i've been listening to hayden's album "us alone" a lot this week. i don't know if a hayden album has resonated with me so much since 1997.

i'm pmsing, and this day has been difficult (both related and unrelated to fall i had first thing this morning on an icy patch of sidewalk). now i sit in the dark, self-soothing and being soothed by this lovely album.

i went to my first banff centre film festival world tour at duncan mcarthur in about 2005. i'm pretty sure it was the catalyst for getting my nose pierced. i'm sure there's a blog entry about that somewhere.

since then, i have gone ALMOST every year, except for about 3 years in a row when we couldn't get tickets because we left it to late and it was sold out. i've learned to buy my tickets early, but still depend on reminders from bren to pick them up before it's too late.

we took both our boys when they were babies, and look forward to them being old enough to come along with us. i can't wait to blow their minds :p

the bcff always has an impact on me, and stirs a desire for adventure and nature. to take risks and be rewarded for that. my whole life, i've had an affinity for the olympics. i always get chocked up, and touched by the perseverance of the athletes. i've been known to refer to it as a "triumph of the human spirit". i think the bcff embodies all that i love about the olympics, only better. i love getting to know the people, hearing their stories, celebrating their achievements with them.

this year was different though. in a good way. this time, instead of wishing i could quit my job and go do this or that, or feeling stirred to get out there and push myself, i felt a great sense of satisfaction. in the last year, i've made decision that move me closer to my outdoor adventure fantasy life. i've shifted my priorities to make time for hiking. in training for the grand canyon, i fell in love with being more active (or maybe it's more accurate to say that i fell in love with how it makes me feel to be more active. perhaps a bit of both). AND rach and i trekked the grand canyon (there was an hour long doc about the grand canyon, which really hit home with me).

i'm excited about my 40s. about becoming an outdoorsy person, about making my boys into outdoorsy people, about spending quality time in the outdoors with friends, family or alone. 

the other day, i came across an article about a group called "unlikely hikers" who are fat/people of size (they use both terms), people of colour, people with disabilities, etc etc. generally, people don't fit the typical stereotype for hikers. i found this very reassuring and encouraging. it's good to be reminded that hiking and outdoor activities are not exclusively for any demographic. they're for everyone :)

20nineteen

so here we are, at the end of another calendar year. i always enjoy the ritual of adding birthdays and other events to my wall calendar. but this year, i ordered a grand canyon one online and it hasn't arrived yet. i'll get a delayed start to the new year.

i find that most years have a blend of good stuff and lousy stuff. and on the whole, i'd say that 2019 leaned more heavily toward the good. our trip to south carolina was a big highlight from the first half of the year. i also managed to pull off the coldest night of the year event for nightlight. that was not so much a highlight as an accomplishment that allowed me to learn and experience new things. it's also prepared me for the 2020 event, and i hope it to go more smoothly in my head and heart a second time around.

our summer was full and mostly low-key. we went camping with our boys for a week. in one sense, that was great, but in another sense, it was very frustrating. my deep desire to relax with my downtime is completely at odds with the fact that éamon appears to be constantly occupied and if he's not, he find things to do that interrupt my introvertedness. this is an on-going struggle that may never be sorted out. i sometimes feel so tapped out of my internal energy that it physically exhausts me. anyway, no time was that dynamic more evident than when we were camping for a week.

in september, rach and i went to arizona to hike the grand canyon. it was an amazing experience, and one i'm so glad to have collected. rach and i were very compatible travel companions. brendan and the boys managed well with the help of our families (including shannon). it felt good to have a break from parenting and have some breathing room to just be myself with my friend on an adventure. that was the big highlight of the second half of the year (but also a life highlight).

this year was the first in a really long time that i have had money stresses. i try to encourage myself because i know that i managed to get through those phases in my 20s, and when we get through this, it will also be a phase. but i don't love it. i dislike it. i actually hate it. i hate that whenever we're getting over one big thing another come ups... no school = day camps; leaking roof = new roof; fridge not working for tenant = repairman telling us we need a new fridge; nail in tire = two new snow tires, etc etc. i have been working hard to pick-up gigs that bring in some extra money. a birch allergy study and some freelance paid for my grand canyon trip. and i worked the election, which helped toward our many other expenses. i liked doing those other little side jobs, since i like to collect experiences, and i'm thankful for the money they brought in. i have considered whether i should be more proactive about doing more freelance, but i generally take on projects when opportunities present themselves. the one time put some word out that i was looking for work, neither ended up being life-giving work and ate up a lot of my evenings. it's a trade-off.

we remind ourselves often that this is the phase of life we're in.

sometimes i wonder if i should get a full-time job, but when i factor in the cost of childcare, we're no further ahead, just more time-poor with my kids. otis starts kindergarten this coming september, so i'll be able to pick up more hours with nightlight. once the boys are older i'll venture back to the 35-40 hour work week. i realize that my child-related expenses are not going to lessen as they get older (with the exception of otis's daycare fees, which i am pumped to be finished with), but my earning potential will go up.

speaking of earning potential... i'm really pleased with how our paper route has been going. it's been about 15 months since we started, and both my boys are really rising to he occasion. éamon no longer whines or complains about having to do it. he is enjoying having his own money, and otis is helping out enough to earn $1 per week. it has allowed us to get to know so many of our neigbours. we gave out christmas cards to at least 10 neighbours that we've met. we received $95 in christmas bonus tips this year (which we used to go bowling and to the trampoline park).

this year we also welcomed baby hugo into our circle of affection. i'm so proud of beck and pleased for her. i'm looking forward to meeting him in real life ❤

in late december last year, shannon moved into the empty space in our basement and filled it so creatively. we have loved having her as part of our household and our family. i'm sure it's not always easy, since we are loud and nosy and our kids don't understand boundaries. but we've had our laughs too.

this time last year, i listed these things for my hopes in 2019 (i've bolded the things i've actually done):

• we're going to south carolina

• i'm hoping to get the deck at our main street house replaced

• i want to do some minor to medium upgrades to our bathroom

• we're hoping to do more camping (perhaps a few weekend trips, as well as a longer stint)

• rach and i plan to trek the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday

• i want to write a letter to the limestone board about excessive screen time in kindergarten classrooms (particularly during lunch time) (not as much of an issue this year)

• and i want to put together a petition to end the seasonal time-change (spring forward, fall backward) (an MPP beat me to it)

• my mom is moving house (into town from amherstview)

• and brendan's job might expand, evolve or change, which is exciting

• i'm hoping to be more body-positive, and appreciate my body for its individuality

that's not a bad success rate :)

so in 2020...

• i'd like to get on top of our money stresses.

• we'd like to go to new orleans to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary (kind of dependent on the first bullet).

• i'd like to try proctoring during exams at queen's (both related and unrelated to bullet one).

• i'd like to significantly cut back on my use of social media (i've avoided it over this christmas break, and think that's having a positive impact on my mental health).

• similarly, i'd like to do more blogging (which is inline with this mental health kit infographic).

• i'd like to get a lot of use out of my new annual little cat conservation area pass.

• i'd like to get that electoral reform petition written and distributed.

• do more camping with friends (let me know if you're interested coming along!)

i've heard several places recently that a well rounded work out includes cardio, weights and stretching. i get cardio pretty often, and i'm aware that i need to get some weights, but stretching hasn't been a recent priority. however, brendan shared some interesting info about stretching the other day that convinced me to make it more of a priority (basically, that stretching increases strength, and our goal should more towards be bendy like bamboo, rather than ridged like an oak).

so today, while my small fellas were out on an afternoon date with gran, i thought i'd do some yoga. i'm not a fan of website that have a yoga instructor who talks incessantly, so i found one that rings a bell every time you're supposed to change position. it was neat 37 position sin 35 minutes. and i have to say... it was enlightening to say the least! i'm significantly less flexible than i was 10 years ago. so this is something to be addressed.

i used to do yoga weekly in the 20s and early 30s, but really got away from it because it didn't seem enough like a workout to me, and kids, blah blah blah. but after today's session, i'm convinced of the value.

we'll see where this goes!

--

i used to be a superhero...
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

ok, here i am.

my last day of my 30s. 

i know that i usually feel that each decade that i've just finished was my favourite. and while i think that will probably continue to be true, i do think that there will be no decade quite as pivotal as my 30s. this decade brendan and i got married and made a life together. we bought a house, then bought another house. we became parents, then became parents again. we navigated the highs and lows of care giving for two small children. and while we grew together, i feel that i also grew into a stronger, more self-assured, more skilled woman. person. i'm grateful for the richness this partnership has brought to my life. intimate relationships are not easy by their very nature, but the reward is great when the partnership is healthy and balanced. like i said to myriam, our grand canyon guide, "we couldn't have made it without you", when she responded with said "yes, you could have", i corrected myself and said "we wouldn't have wanted to". with the ups and downs of the last decade, i'm so glad that i got to experience it with b. i wouldn't have wanted to do it without him.

this decade i left my safety-net of 14 years at bbd. it was hard/rocky and uncomfortable parting of ways. like a plane landing without its landing gear. the last few years i've been enjoying a good work-life balance. having work i enjoy, find fulfilling, that keeps me grounded in my identity (as an independent woman). while still getting to pick my kids up at school/daycare to have the afternoon with them at home. this lets me be well-connected with their teachers and school environment, and enjoy this phase of their lives that is formative and fleeting. honestly, sometimes it feels like it would be easier working full time, but i know this time investment in them is a long-term one.

when i think back over my 30s, i see it as a time when i cultivated and grew my family. on my 30th birthday, my family consisted of my two parents, one sibling, her husband and two children. making a total of 7 people (including myself). as i cross the threshold into my 40s, my family has more than doubled in size to the new total of 18 (including me). similarly, my 20s was a time in which i established my community and friendships. my closest circle of friends are women i connected with in my 20s. i'm so grateful for those friendships too. women to share life with.

rachel and i trekked the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday. i consider that so much more significant than just a three day walk. it says something to me about myself. who i am and who i long to be. if i get a say, want my 40s to be about fostering my connection with the outdoors, as well as my physical strength.

my 20s was a physical roller coaster of my weight swinging from 115lbs to 190lbs then back to 125lbs. when i finally got the hang of that in my late 20s/early 30s, i was pregnant the first time not much later. my weight has as the result of two pregnancies, gone up and down some more. this time last year, i commented to my birthday guests, that i wanted to come to terms with my body. and i feel on my way to that. i'm stronger than i was this time last year, and i prioritize physical exercise in a way that i didn't then. my focus in the past was always about weight loss or weight control. at 40, i identify as a full-figured woman. i have no interest in weight loss as a goal. i do however, want to be strong, able, and fit (in my own way). and most importantly, i want to feel comfortable in my own skin. i'm working to establish a wardrobe that is flattering on my body type, but it's a work in progress (i still haven't mastered this).

brendan and i watched a foreign film a few months ago about this woman enacting eco-terrorism. the media referred to her as "mountain woman" since her identity was unknown. when i heard that, i loved it. i want to be like a mountain woman (except not literally, since we don't have mountains around here). i love that by connecting to nature and taking care of my body, i'll also be taking care of my inner self, and my emotional/mental well-being.

i imagine that my 40s will still pretty heavily weave around the needs and abilities of my dependents. they will likely also be impacted by the needs and inabilities of my parents (who are in their mid-70s – one parent has had a lot of physical health concerns over the last 10 years, while the other parent has of mental health concerns, which i expect will get increasingly challenging). i'm hoping at some point, when my kids are a little older, to find meaningful full-time work in communications. ideally, i'd like to be able to walk to work. b might start moonlighting to get his BSW (we've been talking about that a while, but it is a question of when, not if). i'd like to take trips to new orleans, costa rica, and scotland. there will be more sleeping. more relaxing. more reading.

it will be interesting to discover what becomes the most consistent theme of my 40s. it may not be the outdoors.

i'm ready though. i'm a firm believer that when you've done something well and to completion, you're ready to move on. i have no unfinished business with my 30s. i will miss being in the same decade as brendan though :) that said, having a younger husband usually makes me feel younger than i technically am.

this is nice. maybe i'll pick up blogging again. it's a helpful way to process my thoughts. i like the thought of exercising my freedom to do or not do.

well, thank you my 30s. you've been swell. ❤

on the cusp of my 40th birthday, i think it's accurate to say that i'm experiencing a mid-life panic. not about my own life, because i'm excited and proud with how my 30s went, but i feel overwhelmingly discouraged by the state of the world. i feel worried about the future for my kids, for our planet, for our general well-being as humans. things are bad. objectively bad. sometimes i try to comfort myself a little with the reality that life has pretty much always been bad. that history is full of bad moments and bad memories. it's sad that this is how i comfort myself.

i'm not sure what to do, to be honest. is it better to shut myself off from the news and social media, which is largely my source for sad, bad and discouraging information. or do i avoid reading books that deal with sad story-lines and narratives. or would that just be burying my head in the sand. i wonder if i owe it to myself and others to learn these stories and remember them.

i'm feeling uncharacteristically anxious while doing things like crossing the street or walking on ice. i find myself imagining harm coming to me, and the impact that would have on my family. or vice versa. like i said...  mid-life panic. 

and while i deal with these internal anxieties, i also find myself wanting to face these feelings and accept that they are real feelings (whether founded or not). and allow myself to feel my full spectrum of emotions (too often i avoid lingering on unpleasant feelings and bolster myself with encouraging thoughts, beliefs and actions).

and although i am tempted to wrap this up with encouraging rhetoric, i want instead to just allow this to sit. for the process of writing this out to just be about processing how i feel, and not an attempt to get me from point a to point b. i'm just gonna lay it all out there, and not be afraid of feeling a little afraid.

brendan is a much better cook than me. plus, he likes cooking. he is our main cook in our family, and has been since we were married (probably before that). but i frequently made meals in the early days, because he worked shifts a lot. but since otis was born, i haven't generally made dinner. when he works on tuesdays, we usually have leftovers or something simple like a frozen pizza or tuna melts.

but tonight, i made pancakes and breakfast sausages. the kids were occupied, so that freed me up to not have to multi-task. but i still scalded myself, started a small fire, and burnt at least one side of each pancake.

my initial reaction was to write a self-deprecating facebook post about what a sucky cook i am compared to brendan. but then i changed my mind. i thought eff that! i don't NEED brendan (i love and appreciate him, and i'm SUPER grateful for his delicious cooking), but i would not starve without him. i would manage, and I SHALL!

the reality is that i cook things on way too high heat. so step one... turn down heat.

step two... think through how long things take, and order them accordingly

step three... start with less, then add more (pancake mix, oil, etc) as needed

step four... practice makes progress! i'm seriously considering making pancakes and sausages EVERY tuesday until i master these one meal.

we start to believe we can't do things, when we tell ourselves we can't.

we start to believe we are not able, when focus too much on other people's ability.

i'm not a victim of my own unsuccessful cooking experiences. this door is not closed to me. i just need to push it wider open and walk on through.

2018

2018

twenty-eighteen

what a year.

the things that first come to mind for me are two low lights.

1) breaking my foot

2) having lice

and to make matters worse, i had both of those at the same time (while brendan was out of town).

i also re-dreaded my hair, and dealt with the backlash of one very confrontational person in my life who tried to publicly shame me because she disapproved of my hair-style. i would be lying if i said that didn't hurt me a great deal. but i think that's ultimately what she was aiming for, so i think it's fair to say that was a success.

i did a puzzle this week. the last time i did a puzzle was christmas 2015. when eamon was the age that otis is now. so i'm really enjoying moving into a new stage of parenting and with it new levels of freedom. we got rid of our crib and toddler bed, and set up our kids on a bunk bed. eamon learned to ride a two-wheeler (pretty much on his own), and we enjoyed cycling to school together during september (i look forward to riding again once may arrives). and otis is almost completely stroller free (with the exception of long-walks). i enjoyed the baby stage with my kids, but like a wonderful guest who stayed just a little too long, we were ready for the baby stage to be done.

this year presented several surprises and new opportunities. i suppose this should be old hat by now. life always comes with twists and turns. i had to finish my after-school-care 2 months early because of my broken foot, but almost immediately transitioned into a new casual (one day a week) comms job with nightlight canada. i was also offered a monthly freelance gig doing a magazine for the sally ann (starting in jan 2019). i'm excited about this, and find it interesting that i will have 3 jobs simultaneously, yet haven't had a resume since 2003. my job at next doesn't even feel like a job, because i enjoy doing it and would do it for free if i didn't need to work (but unfortunately i do, so thankfully they pay me what they can).

we took a family trip to NYC during the hottest week of the summer. it was fun, AND exhausting. it was an adventure, as well as an eye opener (about family dynamics, our marriage dynamic, and how we can travel better next time). we've booked a trip to south carolina for march break. other than the long drive, it will be a nice change of pace from our NYC trip. we booked a cottage on a creek by a beach.

my dad had a kidney transplant, and now has (count them... 1, 2, 3) THREE kidneys. he is unbelievably resilient, and i'm proud of him for taking care of his health (especially as a single man in his 70s). this type of life event brings certain family issues to the surface (particularly unfinished business that is usually easy to ignore). i'm grateful that joy and i were able to be a team and support my dad and each other during that procedure and his recovery. i feel it's taken along time, but she and i have gotten to a good and positive place with our relationship. sadly, it revealed less positive things about my relationship and family history with my mom. but i am trying to stay optimistic that this too can be redeemed.

the lives of my friends around me are changing too. some are in the teen-years stage of parenting, others have new partners (who come with kids of their own), some are single again for the first time in over a decade (and it's a privilege to walk with them during this reboot of their lives, to encourage them and support their dreams). we have shannon living downstairs for the next 5-6 months. it's been a joy to have her here. our kids adore her. we get to hangout more and know more about what's going on in her life. she's such a fun person, and we are so proud of her.

we're getting to know more neighbours, and ben+meg moved to the hood. i'm getting involved with the kingscourt association. and the fellas and i got a paper route on our street (eamon hasn't taken to it as well as i would've liked, but to be fair, the papers are too thick for his hands and most of the mailboxes are too high for him – but i feel his current level of participation is age appropriate).

in 2019...

• we're going to south carolina (as previously mentioned)

• i'm hoping to get the deck at our main street house replaced

• i want to do some minor to medium upgrades to our bathroom

• we're hoping to do more camping (perhaps a few weekend trips, as well as a longer stint)

• rach and i plan to trek the grand canyon to celebrate my 40th birthday

• i want to write a letter to the limestone board about excessive screen time in kindergarten classrooms (particularly during lunch time)

• and i want to put together a petition to end the seasonal time-change (spring forward, fall backward)

• my mom is moving house (into town from amherstview)

• and brendan's job might expand, evolve or change, which is exciting

• i'm hoping to be more body-positive, and appreciate my body for its individuality

so there are lots of good things to look forward to, and i'm excited.

again

it seems another year has passed, and it's time for my annual birthday eve blog post.

to start, i'd like to welcome and say hello to brendan (most-likely the only person who will read this).

as the sun sets on my 39th year (my year of being 38), i'm reminded of being 28 and turning 29. i felt relief from a lot of social pressures (whether it was in my head or real i don't know), and i felt really liberated. probably for the first time in my life. and it shifted my perspective and prepared me for moving into my 30s. i felt at peace and finally let go of "should've" beliefs about myself.

at 38, feeling that liberty between me and society is old hat. and i'm glad. my current battle is an inward one with myself. learning to let go of the "should've" beliefs about my body. i think the struggle for body acceptance can be a long one, especially since bodies change over time. and i'm hoping that by the time i turn 40 next year, that i will be writing about the peace i have about my body and the appreciation i have for it. right now, i feel like it's my body that makes me feel middle-aged. my thicker waste, my chubby face. i recognize that i need to re-frame how i see myself, but it's not going to happen overnight. i'm encouraged by the recent baroness von sketch show sketch i saw about turning 40 and suddenly becoming unself-conscious about your body. there's good things ahead. freedom. liberty. basically, the stuff i long for as a enneagram 7.

i was telling someone the other day how being married to a much younger man makes me feel younger. i think it's because i share in his life discoveries, and journey with him as he figured out his 20s, and now his 30s. as usual, it's the people around me who make me not afraid of getting older. about the newness of being old(er). whether its people younger than me, or older than me, they give me courage, hope and a sense of adventure.

the thing i've found about being in my late 30s, compared to being in my late 20s, or even early 30s, is that i feel less visceral excitement about my age. but, i feel much more deeply contented.

waterloo sunset

i woke up this morning with a song stuck in my head. i tried to sing the melody to brendan, but didn't know any of the words. part of me thought it might have the word 'sunrise' in it. it was such a lovely song, and it irritated me that i couldn't pin down what i knew it from. part of me wondered if it was from 'juliet, naked' the other day. brendan even sent me the soundtrack to figure out if it was from that, and i didn't find anything that stuck out to me.

then out of the blue, the word 'waterloo' came to mind. and i realized it WAS from that movie. so now i'm listening to it whenever i get the chance. being in the grasp of a song, really moved me to want to write.

i actually think, despite all my life changes, the absence of music that sinks its teeth into me is probably the main reason why i haven't been prolifically writing the way i used to.

in my current mind-set, i hope to write more regularly again. now that otis is two, life is turning a corner for me, and i'm excited about having more freedom. and being more connected with myself and others.

as long as i gaze on waterloo sunset, i am in paradise.

we've just arrived home from our trip to new york city. this was brendan and my 8th vacation (trip) together. i suppose every trip has been different, and there's no comparing them. this one had it's challenges, most notably the heat (45ºC for the first few days), small children, different expectations and perspectives between b and me (and wasting our evening arguing about that after the kids were in bed), and almost completely no accessibility features (automatic doors, or elevators in subways). for all those reasons, it was tiring.

i list those things first, because i would be lying if i left that stuff out. there were significant factors during our week away. but the highlights were just as many...

• being with my 3 fellas, and introducing eamon to famous landmarks

• simply being in manhatten (and hoboken too). NYC stirs a part of me that nothing else does. it's feels like being immersed in art. endless art that just keeps going in every direction.

• having our own apartment (making our own meals, having a living room to retreat to while the kids slept)

• the pleasure of figuring out a city, especially the metro system

• seeing familiar landmarks off in the distance, hanging out in central park and riding in a yellow taxi

right now, everything is fresh, and i feel tired. but i know in time, that the hard parts will fade in my memory, and i'll only remember the best parts.

i don't know when i wrote last. and i don't know if anyone will read this. but i thought i'd do it anyway.

in some ways, the last few months have been challenging. but in other ways they've been positive. eamon has been getting to know the kids across the street, and has been going over to play outside with them whenever he has a chance. unfortunately, the family closest to him in age are moving to the country in the next few weeks. but he's enjoyed them in the meantime. otis is his sweet self. he had his last day at daycare with lisa yesterday. it broke my heart a little bit, because they have a lovely connection, and hit made my heart hurt thinking of this being the end of their relationship. but she has been taking care of kids for 20 years, so she's seen countless kids come and go from her home. so i'm sure she's used to it.

we're leaving on vacation in 2 days. i'm thrilled at the thought of a new adventure. it's been a while since we went anywhere, and i love NYC, so i'm extra excited about going. we're being carefully optimistic. trying to anticipate our needs ahead of time to minimize hurdles. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that we'll manage everything that comes our way.

b and i celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. there's something about reaching this milestone that feels like we're not newbies anymore. i'm looking forward to spending quality time with him on vacation. in the fall we'll go away for a weekend for our 9th dating anniversary.

#thatsit #thatsall (for now)

i'm supposed to get my cast off tomorrow. i say "supposed to" because my desire to be cast-free is so strong that i will be (in a sense) devastated they decide i need more time on crutches. last night i literary dreamt that i got the appointment time wrong and i had to keep the cast on longer. i'm literally having nightmares about this. 

on that note... i'm zonked so i'm going to bed.

today was a big day that i was not really looking forward to.

i started a new part-time job, AND brendan left for toronto for 3 days and 3 nights.

i was a little nervous about the job thing, because i haven't started many new jobs in my adult life, so it's not something i'm very experienced with. but i was very intentional to connect with my new workmates and they really helped me get oriented. by the end of the day, i was feeling really pumped.

b and i have been very intentional preparing for this week of my solo parenting with a broken foot. nexters are providing meals. joanne is going to come over for dinner with arthur tomorrow afternoon, nancy is going to help get eamon ready for bed while i nurse otis. shannon was here tonight and is sleeping over (she's going to do eamon's hair for crazy hair day tomorrow), and she'll stay over again on wednesday. my dad is driving us all (including otis) to school/daycare/work. AND eamon's soccer was cancelled tonight, so that was a nice bonus. i'm feeling very grateful.

just one more week until i get my cast off. i've set my expectations low and my hopes high. part of me just feels like "bring it on" so we can get through this week faster :p

i'm feeling pretty low this morning. despite the fact that i tried to arrange for things to go more smoothly yesterday, it didn't. the reality is that having a broken foot is a major inconvenience and a huge parenting obstacle. i keep thinking "just two more weeks", but next week is going to be the hardest part yet (with brendan going away for 4ish days). 

probably the trickiest thing is that after a difficult and challenging bout with my kids, i just want to be alone and decompress. which seems like i'm turning away from brendan and causes tension between us for no reason. 

all in all, this just sucks. big time.

sometimes i feel that being responsible for other people is too much for me. sometimes i barely have my own crap together, much less be responsible for keeping track of other people's stuff. to make matters worse, people think i'm on top of everything, and they put their trust in me to pull everything off. that is too much responsibility. any amount of being on the ball requires a lot of effort on my part. 

i know it's a small thing, but today is this track and field event for eamon's whole school at caraco field with lots of other schools. to help keep track of everyone, they asked that the kids all wear their school shirts (with the logo on it). i bought one for eamon for christmas, but it's much too big, so i put it away. he sometimes finds it and likes to wear it, so i knew he would be thrilled at being able to wear it today. so on thursday, i found it in the extra drawer, and i was quite pleased that i was able to put my hand to it without difficulty. do you think i could find it today, when i needed to?!?!?! NOPE. i looked everywhere. which is extremely difficult with this #@%! cast on my foot. to make matters worse, eamon had procrastinated getting dressed because he had a sliver on his foot that he would not let me remove. and lots of crying ensued. my kid is a major procrastinator with anything unpleasant. which goes against all my logic to just get through something unpleasant as quickly as possible. it frustrates me to no end that i can't reason with him. 

anyway, his shirt is still missing. i kind of hope this event gets postponed because of the weather, and we can have another go at finding it. 

i'm feeling very grateful. today was probably my best day on crutches. otis and i had a good morning together, followed by a nice nap. when eamon got home from school, we hung out outside, until brendan got home and we went to the library. after dinner, i was able to do the dishes. then i spent the evening hand-crafting while watching netflix. *exhale* sometimes i takes the bad days to make the good days better.

after feeling frustratingly useless, and struggling with guilt about not being helpful enough, i found a way to work in the garden today. the bottom of my cast is covered in mud from where i rested it on the soil, but i managed to fill three yard-waste bags.

the impact of a broken foot is subtle. it's putting tidying and chores off until later, only to realize later is 5 weeks from now. it's not being able to run to my toddler who is screaming in the park behind my house when the neighbours dog has startled/scared him. it's a middle-of-the-night fight with brendan, that still has me feeling sad, even though i know the words exchanged where said in frustration, and were not sincere.

it's not that i don't know how to manage the next 5 weeks, it's that i don't want to. i wish i was just having a normal may, as planned, and not all this crap.

when i was young and on my own... i learned how to be self-affirming. words of affirmation is one of my main love languages, and i would often rely on song lyrics to give me positive and reassuring words. 

right now, with this broken foot, i'm struggling a lot with guilt. i hate inconveniencing people, and i hate that i've put the families i take care of after school in a difficult position. i've struggled back and forth, trying to decide if i could manage them with my cast and crutches, but i can barely manage my own kids. having to juggle 4 would definitely be beyond my scope of ability at this time, and i think i'd end up feeling over-whelmed and regretful. i really hope something can work out for them. 

all that said, my first order of business is to listen to a bunch of affirmative songs, such as "she's like a rainbow".

actually, on that note, brendan and i got into a small squabble recently about love song lyrics. i wanted to know what love song made him think of me, and previously he'd given me an answer that implied that there weren't any. i was disappointed by that, but i suppose this is linked to what i explained above. although, at the end of that squabble, brendan said i misunderstood him. and now that i think of it, i know that there's a few 'wings' songs that brendan associates with me. 

but enough about b, i need to give myself a dose of affirming lyrics. 

i've broken a bone in my foot. and while that's a whole other story (or rather, blog entry), i've been thinking a lot about what i'm able to cope with and do while i'm recovering.

the thing i have always struggled with is the difference between whether i can or whether i should. most of the time, i opt to go with what i can do, believing that the can = the should. however, i have had a recent experience where pretty much everyone in my life was telling me that i shouldn't do something, but i couldn't come up with a concrete reason not to (other than my instincts and everyone else's hesitations), so i went ahead. it went badly, and in hindsight i should not have agreed to it. but, as they say 'hindsight is 20/20".

so here i am, with my foot and leg in a plaster cast, hobbling around in crutches, trying to get a clear idea of what the next 6 weeks will be like. several pragmatic people in my life seem to feel that they'll soon switch me to a walking cast, and it'll be smooth sailing. but the doctor was super clear that he wanted to put me in a walking cast, but because of the nature of the break, he had to put me in a plaster cast and on crutches. others have encouraged me that i'll soon get the hang of the crutches, but i'm more doubtful. i had crutches for a time when i was 17 when i dislocated my knee – my body is 21 years older now. i don't expect these crutches to get that much easier (read: i won't ever become speedy or agile).

3 days done. 8 to go before my appointment at the bone clinic. 2 fingers crossed that our little friends will find a good after school solution.