icy

well, in keeping with my year of doing things i've never done before, i went to taco bell for lunch. i'd never been there before. however, after doing so, i concluded that it was something i could've done without. BUT it's done nonetheless and now i know so i feel good about that. yay for doing new things!

i love keeping secrets. i can feel them in my mouth when i hold my tongue. it's extremely satisfying.

i've realized something. i'm a pretty typical youngest sibling, that's shaped me more than i knew. i'm a strong willed girl who learned to keep the peace by being compliant with her older and also strong willed sister. joy thanked me tonight for being so accommodating as a kid and apologized for being so bossy. i think having her always there to take care of me developed an expectation and desire to be taken care of. which is kind of a relief to understand about myself. it bothers me that it's such an uphill battle for me to take care of myself, but that's because i'm so not used to it! i was a tiny bit spoiled that way. i'm the youngest daughter, but in some senses i was the only child in a two parent family.

some things are better left unsaid,
but they still turn me inside out.