cocoon

i found an ad in the newspaper for a 1 bedroom apartment with back porch and front balcony looking over an open green space. from the first moment i got wind of that apartment it seemed like a good fit. shortly after i came to see the maxipad for the first time and signed up on the same day.

with the help of 15ish people i moved in at the end of april 2006, and proceeded to spend the next 5 and a half years here. when i first arrived i didn't know how long i'd be here, or what experiences i'd have within these walls, or under what circumstances i'd leave. i made a home in this quirky apartment; painting it's wood paneled walls, lying on it's orange shag carpet, showering in it's low-ceiling bathroom. to have people visit me in this space, especially in the early days, felt much the same as letting them into my very self. without knowing it, the maxipad became part of my self identity.

it's funny the way we can find ourselves at a loss for words when it comes to that which we love the most. that's how i feel right now as i try to form a stream of words about my beloved balcony. i don't even know what to say, nothing seems adequate enough.

***
dear maxipad...
  my home of half a decade.
  my coming of age home.
  my safe place of refuge.

you've been good to me. you've sheltered me and given me security when i needed it most. you were also a place for us to fall in love and bind ourselves together.

you gave me my favourite place in the whole world – my balcony. where i planted gardens and watched things grow. where i sat in the shelter of the awning to hear the sound of summer rain and yet stay dry. i watched people go by in the daylight. sat in the dark of night and eavesdropped in conversations echo from up the street. i lied on the wooden floor in the heatwaves and read books with great satisfaction in the company of my kitties. nowhere else in the world have i felt both safe and free at the same time. sometimes it feels like you embody what it means to be truly content. you've made a mark on me. just as in all love affairs, i've been changed by you, and i bear the invisible and ever-present traces of that experience.

i leave you now not without hesitation – for everyone is always hesitant to leave a place of fond memories – but similarly to a person who leaves summer camp or a trip abroad, i know i'm going home. the fondness i have for you will not disappear. in fact i'm prone to believing that there will be none who loves you as i do. although, i'm not afraid to love another. it's only natural and as it should be. i'm confident that it would not be disloyal or even unfaithful, especially since both of us are moving on. you will soon welcome someone new into this space.

i'll miss you too bedroom birds. you are like a tattoo on my non-biological body. you get be painted over, although, on the other hand they may want to keep you. you are after all, very low-maintenance birds.

so, i think that's it. i love you maxipad. thanks for all you've been to me.

***
we don't live here anymore.