stitch

i've been thinking a lot about post-baby bodies. well, when i say "a lot" i mean, it comes to mind frequently. to be honest, it's not something that really occurred to me pre-pregnancy. and even though when i was pregnant, i said to b "my body will never be the same again", i don't think i really understood how true that was.

my body wasn't perfect before éamon. there were things i wanted to change about it, and changes i was working on prior to pregnancy. so i wouldn't have expected my discomfort to be unfamiliar. i think one of the strange things for me is that i can't remember what my body was like before, i just know it was different. and not even really the shape, but rather the skin. how my skin feels, looks, it's shape – which is probably the weirdest change i can think of.

one friend of mine talks about how giving birth gave her a whole new respect for her body. and that she loves it now more than ever. i'm really hoping that someday i'll feel that way. i find though, that i feel more frustrated with my body than respectful. because i wasn't able to push him out, i feel like i didn't truly give birth to him. and i blame my body for thwarting my plans, my desires, my rite of passage.

the funny thing is that i have no regrets about my cesarean birth. i don't question the turn of events. but i do think, in time, i'm going to have to somehow reconcile with myself that missing link. maybe it's just a matter of re-framing what birth is, or what it means to me. i'm not upset about it, i just haven't been able to close the issue in my mind yet. it went like this > pregnancy, labour, _________, baby. i just wonder how much that blank is affecting my relationship with my new body.

at the midwives clinic, they have a poster in one of the rooms of the belly project. i really loved looking at it, and seeing all the different types of post-baby bellies. it was both encouraging and interesting. it especially helps when we're at swimming lessons when i see some of the other moms wearing bikinis and i'm wearing what feels like the equivalent of a swimming muumuu. but what i'd really like to know (instead of what other belly's look like) is how other mom's feel or felt in their post-baby body. this is probably the main/only issue that i feel unfamiliar with and as such, i feel unprepared. it might be my unfamiliarity that's making me feel unrestless. sometimes i lie in bed at night, sliding my finger back and forth across my scar in hopes that i'll become more accustomed to this new feature. i want to feel attached to it, like the scar on my face, or the tattoo on my wrist. it's part of me, and i want to feel like i earned it, and that it belongs to me. but instead it feels like press on nails or a temporary tattoo that's lasting longer than i expected. it's not just the scar though. that's just one aspect.

has no one else come out the other side to find that her body is a stranger?

let's get a silver bullet trailer
and have a baby boy.