kaleidoscope

it was awful and hilarious at the same time. i'm amazed i'm not traumatized. perhaps i am more easy-going that most people, because i can guarantee that normal people wouldn't find it funny.

i've felt sick all day so brendan brought me some gingerale. it's probably helped, but it's hard to say. the only downside is that it has caffeine in it, so i'm a little bit wired. however, i'm going to get into bed anyways, even if i end up lying there awake for a bit. or..... i'll get into my pjs and watch late night tv til i fall asleep on the couch. that's a good option too. or the ever popular... curl up into a ball while listening to music activity. that's a favourite of mine as well.

tomorrow is the first of december, which means my birthday is upon me. i have mixed feelings about this. thankfully the only thing that actually changes is the number. i do have anxiety surrounding birthdays, but on the bright side i'm really no older on my birthday than i am the day before. the funny thing is that once the number clicks over to a new one i'm gleeful and never look back. so bearing that in mind, i plow forward planning my birthday celebration, and know that it'll be special and enjoyable :)

it starts to rain outside
in our phone booth we hide
it doesn't let up until 5
squished together we don't mind.

bathtub

my e-toothbrush is busted :( it was a hand-me-down from my dad two years ago after i had 8 cavities. it seems the motor isn't working anymore. i hate it. for a while i was brushing with it turned on and it would eventually start spinning, but that doesn't seem to be working anymore. i'm gonna see if i can buy a new one on ebay or something. i don't want a battery charged one, so i'll just look online.

i think you're my new hero. i'm gonna email you in the morning to tell you just how wonderful you are, i actually don't know if i can thank you enough. indeed an answer to my unsaid prayers.

i'm trying to be more intentional about taking sunday as a day of rest. hence the reason why i slaved away last night on those logos until the wee hours. it meant i had all day to just rest. so brendan and i went down to the goat for lunch, we got a seat right by the window, then came home and watched a movie. it was nice.

we were talking today about how we both have names that are regularly mispronounced. i get called leZley a lot, and he gets brAndOn :S it's been hard enough living my own life with a mispronounable name, now i have a partner who's name gets mispronounced all the time too. i think i'll need to get up the courage to start correcting people on his behalf, and he can start correcting people on my behalf. it's a little easier when i'm not being anal for my own sake. apparently his mom used to be bothered when he was a kid and he wouldn't correct people. it's not really in his nature, nor is it in mine. but considering it bothers both of us, we should speak up.

we've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.

rooftops

for the last 5 years or so i have had a "no logo" policy. basically, i've turned down all requests for logos because they cause me too much anxiety and stress. unfortunately i recanted on that policy during the last month and i'm hugely regretting that decision. i HATE logos, and honestly, life is too short, and my spare time too limited to spend it belly-aching over these stupid logos. i wish i had a time machine so i could go back and decline the request.

this afternoon i took a break from my frustrating design work and went down to the goat with shannon. on our way we stopped at camera kingston so she could get some passport photos. the guy who served us was very peculiar, it seems he may have been showing off for us – either than or he was stoned. when i told shanno i'd join her in the back where the photo is taken he followed behind us muttering to himself "it's a party and everyone is invited. except for me, i never get invited to parties...". this left us inwardly giggly and that made it extra hard for her to keep a straight face for her photo. in the end i had to leave the room.

we were at the goat for over 2 hours. we arrived 1 minute late for lunch, so once again i had to do without the flying burrito that i've been craving for over a month now. shannon brought her computer so we could scope out travel packages to cuba, but instead we looked thru her old photos of her and andrew. they were hilarious and i wanted to see them all. it's amazing to think they've been together for 5 years. amazing :D

i need to learn to hold my tongue and not say harsh things. i'm always joking but my delivery is so dead-pan that people don't realize i'm kidding. that bothers me, and it has for a while. i need to change. sometimes being sincere makes me feel vulnerable, and that's alarming. it's disconcerting to discover the many layers of protection i have up, it's like i'm surrounded by an emotional berlin wall. i suppose that can take years to deconstruct.

am i the only one who gets to make you laugh,
laugh until you cry?

minivans

this evening i went to the potter's guild christmas sale with melissa. she wanted to pick up a nice big mug, and i wanted to join her. while we were there we saw many lovely pieces of pottery, but what caught my eye was a milk jug. it was very lovely and i thought it would look fantastic in my refrigerator, so i bought it. it's kind of heavy because it's made of clay, but that's only an issue because i'm used to a crappy plastic jug from the dollar store. what i found interesting about it is that it's done by this woman named patty petkovich, which apparently means she's my favourite kingston potter because i've subconsciously purchased a number of her pieces before (tea bag, tea cup). i'm quite pleased with my purchase. i feel that pouring milk has never been so good.

it was great to see lissa. we haven't had the chance to connect much recently. busy lives and all, but it was really great and kind of grounding. we went to sipps afterwards, i like that place – that coffee bar, it makes me feel so fancy.

i needed to come and be near you.

slugs

when i was 11 years old i began youth group at my church. it was a 7 year venture that was a significant experience for me. when i entered youth group, two new youth leaders joined as well, their names were mim and ron. they had two young girls, who i would eventually babysit with frequency and are in fact my favourite girls out of all the kids i babysat. those two sisters paralleled joy and i quite a lot, the oldest was like joy, the youngest was like me. 14 years went by, and as the youngest of the two girls started at a new school she met an egotistical guitarist, who she eventually became close friends with. this said guitarist became a regular fixture in mim and ron's home until their daughter moved to ottawa and he moved into the house famous.

mim and ron recently learned of brendan and my new relationship thru the grapevine (aka my big-mouth sister) and they immediately wanted to have us over for dinner to grill us with questions. b and i were a little apprehensive as we drove there in the rain, but he kept telling me it was going to be one of those memorable experiences that we'll look back on and say "remember that time we had dinner with mim+ron??" dinner was lovely and the questions were manageable, although at times challenging. they like to interview young couples, i'm not certain as to why, but it's their thing. mim kept commenting about how much b's changed since those days. he's definitely not egotistical anymore, but i kind of like that he used to be :p

for a few brief minutes today i thought i forgot my lunch at home - that was very frustrating. i became agitated with myself and started going thru the inconvenience in my head as i walked to my car hoping to find my lunch box on the passenger seat. i was much relieved to find it, i didn't like the direction things were going.

the internet was down at work both yesterday and today. i was surprised at their tardy response, but it turned out it was an isolated incident and only myself a few others were affected. all is resolved now.

an eyeball. a table. a tune. a tear. and a tie. they are our secrets to have and to hold.

now that i smile,
now that i'm laughing even deeper inside.
now that i see,
now that i finally found the one thing i denied.
it's now i know, do i stay or do i go?
and it is finally i decide,
that i'm leaving in the fairest of the seasons.

abstract

my design consultation went fine last night. then afterwards i had enough time to get all my wednesday night stuff done, so i'm ahead of schedule - this is good. i take immense pleasure in scratching things off my to-do list. i'm also really enjoying having a tidy house. it feels so much bigger when it's tidy. hopefully i'll keep it this way for a while. i feel so much peace of mind when i accomplish stuff, i hate that looming "i have things to do" feeling. since i'm on such a role i'll try to accomplish a few more things today :)

i keep forgetting to put my nightguard in before bed, which is kind of odd because i'd gotten so used to it that for a while i couldn't sleep without it. i think it acted a little like a pacifier - or a "sous" as we call them in my family. my mouth hasn't been hurting as much, but i think i'm less stressed these days so that probably accounts for that. however, i did accidentally spend a lot of money on that stupid mouth guard so i would like to use it, if only to get my money's worth out of it.

i've started thinking forward to my upcoming birthday, and specifically about my birthday party. i've made a list of guests, but i think my list is greater than my apartment's capacity so i'm going to have to whittle it down a little. that's kind of disappointing, but i really need to be reasonable about this. there's also the other complicated factor that brendan is a boy, and traditionally my birthday party has been a 'girls only' event (due to space restrictions). however, i'll have to make an exception in this case, it would be nice to have him there so he can meet all of my friends. that being said, my guest list had 18 people on it, and i really need to find a way to bring it down to 12-15 :S that's hard for me because i like to be inclusive, but i have limited space and i can't just invite EVERYONE. oh well. regardless i'm looking forward to it, i've already started buying snacky foods for the big THREE-OH party! wooo!

is it just me, or does it feel like november has FLOWN by??

i like touching my scalp. my hair is so soft and i can put my fingers right thru it. very nice. the only weird thing is that i feel quite "normal" again, i liked being a little different it seemed to match me. t'is ok, i'll make up for my normality in other ways.

i'd kinda like to be the president
so i can show you how your money's spent.

rooibos

no one noticed my new hairdo at first when i arrived at work. but once one person did, word spread and i found myself surrounded and there were people telling me to stand up so they can get a better look. it was quite surprising, i didn't expect that kind of response. everyone really liked it, and i was told by 2 people that it made me look younger.

in other work news, atousa told me that when she first started at BBD she saw me in the cafeteria and wanted to come and talk to me but her colleague told her not. she asked him why, he told her "i just wouldn't", again she asked why and said "is she bad?", he made a face that implied kind of then said "she doesn't talk to anyone". that made me laugh. it's amazing the conclusions people come to. when i first started at bombardier i was 23, there was NO ONE my age, and the girls closest to me in age were alienating, so i just ate by myself, and i was ok with that. i've been walking with atousa at lunch. i feel a little shy and part of me would prefer just hanging out alone as usual, but it's probably good for me to be stretched.

i slaved away on the maxi-pad last night to make it somewhat presentable. i have a lady coming over this evening for some design consultation. i'm a little nervous but feel that most of my nerves are due to having a stranger in my house. i'm subconsciously afraid that she'll see a messy nook or a little dirt someplace and interpret me as "unprofessional". i'm trying to figure out if it's better to talk with her in the kitchen or the living room. so many things to consider. at least i got the pad cleaned-up. when brendan arrived last evening i said to him "did you notice anything?" and quickly he told me "it's much cleaner in here" :S he is the tidy one between the two of us, and the cooker, and the dishwasher. i was feeling a little unsure of what qualities i have offer our relationship that equals his, he suggested that i'm much more interesting and better looking than he is. hm, that didn't really cut it for me (too abstract and subjective), so we thus concluded that i have my driver's licence and good credit.

if i don't got my socks on right
they slide right off of my feet
as i walk

angsty

i had all these grand designs for my evening. i planned to get a bunch of housework done after i got home from living room. but instead i think i'll get into bed early and enjoy the reality of lights out before bedtime. that almost never happens. my chores will still be waiting for me tomorrow. they're not going anywhere.

i've been pleasantly surprised. it's really special when you can get to know someone new and discover who they really are. i'm enjoying getting to know her. people are such amazing complicated people and i never cease to be amazed by them. i'm shy, and sometimes being around people is draining, but it's always worth it. i'm so glad i don't just live in my default setting, because if i did i'd probably never leave this house or meet anyone new, and that would be a tragedy. i actually did that for 2 months while i lived in toronto, my housemates were in the states for training and i was on my own. it was a bizarre experience, but most definitely showed me what i'd do with myself if i didn't try or push.

in the world of a girl, the words she hears they mean an awful lot.

pinnacle

yesterday i spent about 4 more hours combing out my dreads. brendan even helped me with the last few. i was done by 2:30 and i made a hair appointment for the following hour. putting my hair into a ponytail before heading out felt bizarre, it was tiny and my hair was so thin – quite the change from my dreads :S there will be things i miss for sure. i got my hair cut to above my shoulders. it feels really soft and light compared to before. it's CRAZY! i'm not used to having my hair this short AT ALL! when i was finished i left the salon at the mall and tried to find brendan, he'd disappeared. i stood there for a good 5 minutes thinking "i lost brendan lorimer at the mall. i lost BRENDAN LORIMER at the mall!!" that's totally insane! when i finally spotted him he came up the stairs and told me "you look amazing" :)

that evening we went to a kyra+tully/jenn grant concert at sydenham street united. it was packed. i got some shocked responses about my hair, it was fun. the concert itself was great, bruce cockburn was a special guest, and he actually played a few of his own songs by himself. b and i agreed that seeing bruce cockburn play "lovers in a dangersous time" was an intense highlight of the day – it doesn't get much better than that. bren m was there too and she's a huge bruce cockburn fan, actually she used the work "fanatic" and told use she's seen him in concert a good 15 times. very cool.

the moment i saw her i felt panicked. i didn't know what to do. we had a very brief interaction, which was actually quite good and a little healing. i do love her, and i genuinely like her. i'm hoping it won't be much longer.

i'm gonna go hop in the shower. the lady used the flat iron on my hair and it's all flat. i want to see what it looks like normal. i'd hoped for something more edgy, but i still like it. next time i get it trimmed i can be more specific. i didn't have a good photo to work with to explain to her what i wanted. i'll post a photo soon. i fell asleep last night after the concert and didn't get a chance to write all about my day.

these fragile bodies of touch and taste.

----------------------------------------------
addendum:

i've washed my hair. i like it much better now.
less business woman, more funkadelic :)

keg

mayelin, yurel, and i waited 4.5 hours to see a 2 hour movie. we saw new moon. i've never been to a big movie like that on opening night before, it was MADNESS! an experience nonetheless. thankfully time moved quickly. it kind of reminded me of waiting for a plane. yurel was kind enough to line up outside in the waiting line so we could get decent seats while mayelin and i sat in the warm indoors. man, the things guys will do for the girls they love :)

it made for a long day. i left at 7:30 this morning and didn't get home until 1 tonight. i WOULD feel tired but i had some caffeine to keep me awake. i'm debating going to bed or staying up to comb my hair more. i've got to finish up tomorrow because i'm getting my hair cut!!!!!! woo-hoo!

it makes me laugh when she makes snarky comments on my facebook wall.

i wish it was tomorrow already. sometimes having to go to sleep is annoying. i'm much too excited for the new day to fall asleep.

she's at the movies, i'm on the phone.

question....

my mom thinks my boyfriend should be my first priority over my friends. i don't agree with her, at least not at this stage in the relationship. i don't always trust my mom's perspective on these things, so i was wondering if you could give me your input. what do you think????

 

can't be friends and lovers be separate priorities??

retina

i woke this morning grumpy and frustrated....

i've put on weight and i feel huge, chunky, and my clothes don't fit right. my house is in chaos, and it overwhelms me. my hair still has 11 dreads in it and i desperately just want it done so i can cut my hair. i have a slice on my thumb where my comb dug into it two nights ago, which made it hard to undread my hair last night. i haven't been able to keep in touch with everyone via email as much lately - which i hate. i have a ton of stuff i need to do, and no time to do it. and so on and so forth, i was indeed building a case for misery.

however, i realized as i got ready for work that i'm pmsing, which probably accounts for SOME (but not much) of the weight gain. in my frustration and discouragement i got thinking about this, that, and the other thing, until i stopped myself and said "there's no point in getting upset about this. you're pmsing, suck it up and it'll be ok". i realized picking a fight with brendan is not going to help (so i won't), feeling resentment towards my job and activities is misdirected (so i won't). trying to cancel all my plans so i can run away from my obligations is unwise and not actually what i want (so i won't). panicking about my weight is unproductive (so i won't). i thought to myself "this is what the current day holds for me. what can i do today to make this situation better". so i had a glass of water before breakfast as a weight loss tactic. i put on comfortable clothes. i counted my dreads to remind myself that i'm nearly done and a saturday hair appointment is still possible. i disregarded a conversation i'd had while i was half asleep and reminded myself that i'm a master word-twister when i'm feeling demented and what i had interpreted really wasn't what was said. i've set aside some time on the weekend to tidy the pad, and have decided to strip my bed and remake it more comfortably so i can get a good night's rest. i'll just need to priorities the rest. i'm glad that i didn't allow myself to fall down the spiral staircase of despair due to pms. AND BEST THING OF ALL... i got to work on time :)

it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok. it's gonna be ok.

i wonder why i bother,
so much controlled by so few.

meteor shower

this is a photo of my dad's family taken on the day my parents got married. i think it's the only photo of all six of them in existence. it goes youngest to oldest from left to right. my dad is the second on the right, the one next to my aunt june. i think he's the most handsome in the lot, and he looks super happy too :)

it turns out that my uncle bill (third from the right, beside my dad) died at the same hospital as he was born in. the first thing i thought when i heard that was "that's so typical of uncle bill". he lived within blocks of himself his entire life. he didn't leave toronto for 25 years. he was a man who lived in the familiar and therefore died in the familiar too. incredible. the circle of life.

yesterday at the reception my aunt joan said to me "do you have dreadlocks in your hair?!?!". i'd tried brushing out a few more on the way there and had the rest mostly hidden in my bun. when i explained that i was combing them out i mentioned i was surprised that she noticed them. she said "i'm jamaican!", true, she would notice them.

on the drive home i told my dad "well... you get a 6 out of 10 for behaviour, but a 10 out of 10 for effort". he said "thank you miss magoog, when do i get my ice cream?" :D

i know you're out there waiting for an answer i can't give you.

gwilliamsbury

we drove up to toronto first thing this morning for the funeral of my uncle bill. my dad made it clear that he was going in protest, but we applauding him for going. we stood by him as guardians, providing him inaudible support. as we entered the large catholic church we searched the crowd for familiar faces, and located them all in the front pews. hugs were given, greetings, tears, and smiles.

we took our place behind katie – my sister, me, then my dad on the end of the row beside the centre aisle. my uncle rick came forward in his priestly garb with the alter boys who carried a crucifix. (my uncle rick is a roman catholic priest. he was the first married catholic priest in canada in the 1980s. which is kind of strange because they were not raised catholic and only he and bill became catholic in their later years, so the service was foreign to the rest of the family). as uncle rick bowed to the lit candle my dad leaned over to me and said "this is for the birds, i'm leaving". i scolded him and forced him to switch places with me so he couldn't quickly escape. so he sat between joy and me – it reminded me of when we were kids when my mom and dad would sit between me and joy at church to keep us out of mischief. the roles have reversed. he pouted like a big baby thru the entire service, when we repeatedly stood and sat we had to drag him to his feet and hush him when he whispered loudly. his hearing is quite poor so he couldn't hear a word rick was saying, and missed the part in the homily when uncle rick referenced him – how george had introduced them to c.s. lewis when they were kids. eventually joy pulled out a piece of paper and began playing x's and o's with him, we wrote notes and i told him "if you're good we'll buy you an ice cream cone" – that seemed to do the trick, it was pretty funny. we wished the service made more reference to uncle bill, he was hardly mentioned even though the service was being officiated by his own brother. however, we are glad that we went, i feel it honoured my uncle and my family, and it was a huge support to my dad, i know he couldn't have done it without us. i'm quite certain that anyone who saw us would know that we are two girls who love their dad. at the reception my dad put his arm around me and said "thanks for coming. i love you", i told him "no problem dad, i love you too".

my dad's side of the family is quite dysfunctional, but in spite of that i quite like everyone individually. i find them quite overwhelming as a group, and there's been some awkwardness between us and them since they kind of kicked us out of the family and asked us to stop coming to the family reunions. as bad as that's been, there's no love lost between us, it was always hard going to family functions without my dad anyways. one thing i noticed about today was that it almost seemed normal to be there without uncle bill, because he was the first brother to be excommunicated. it's messy. however, in spite of all that, it was quite a pleasure to see my uncles, aunts, and cousins. people i haven't seen since i moved home from toronto in 2002. it was amazing to see my cousins grown into men, and i had the opportunity to meet my aunt june's daughters (after june died in the 70's they lost touch with the mcknights, i always knew they existed but knew nothing of them). i've changed a lot too since the last time i saw my family, i suspect they will have noticed my conversation skills have improved drastically. after the service we drove up to new market to uncle rick's place for a small reception. my cousin peter (who's my uncle bill's youngest son. peter is a month older than me, and always the cousin i looked most like, but not anymore. however, my dad said he now looks exactly like my grandad) is a well-known chef in toronto, and he prepared a bunch of food for the get-together.

mcknights are a funny bred. strange yet passionate people. they love deeply, and have a fire in their soul. when i was growing up i was always fascinated by my dad and his 4 brothers – how could 5 people be so alike and yet so different. they have a very distinct look, dark hair, small almond shape eyes, all roughly the same height (although, my dad was the tallest of the brothers at 5'9"). they were what made me want to have a big family, i was amazed at the combinations that can result from just two people, and the community they can create. but having a ton of kids is a young person sport, so i've adjusted my expectations to something more reasonable. joy and i agree that out of all the brothers, our dad is our favourite.

well, i could keep talking, it was a compact day. a lot lived and experience in one road trip – but i can talk more about it later, and i probably will. it just feels good to get even this much off my chest.

i've got to push on thru.

armpits

it was my first time at a hockey game. i was given free frontenac tickets thru work for my stint on the united way committee, so i invited rowan to go with me. he is a hockey whiz and i enjoyed his company. he was really good – just watched the game and occasionally answered my questions. i seriously thought he was completely adorable.

the hockey culture is something i've never experienced before and found it all quite fascinating. within the first few minutes a fight broke out right in front of us. punches thrown, helmets flying off. immediately i felt an urge to somehow protect rowan from the violence – to shield him or take him away from it. however it hit me that he watches hockey all the time and he's highly accustomed to it – it's just me who found it shocking, so then i felt better. it's insane! if we'd been walking down the street and a fight broke out in front of us i'd react the same way, and yet fighting in hockey in normal and encouraged. i was surprised that the crowd burst into cheers and the older gray-haired ladies would ring their cowbells. they're just a bunch of adrenaline-charge teenaged boys hopped up on testosterone with anger management issues. i'm still kind of stunned by it, but eventually got a little used to it.

the game progressed and it was quite interesting. i learned while watching the game that a whole lot can happen in 10 seconds. which was neat. in the last minute the visiting team pulled their goalie and it made for a very exciting end to the game. the final score was 4-3 for the fronts.

i'd have to say that goalies are my favourite players, they're very trippy.

on the whole hockey is fascinating, it's on ICE, they use SKATES, and HOCKEY STICKS!?!?!? that's really complex! amazing!

i concluded that i really enjoyed myself but that hockey isn't unlike the casino (for me). something i don't mind doing occasionally or fully understand the draw to, but find the experience incredibly fascinating. in a way i'm more interested in how the hockey players feel while playing their sport, what the game means to them, etc.

my face was my mask.

ziplock

today i got it into my head that i could comb out my dreads (per the instructions i found online), get a fresh haircut, and show up at brendan's show for 8 – surprising him and everyone else with my smooth straight locks. unfortunately, after 5 hours it became clear that that plan was flawed and it'll probably be a week before i comb them all out. my scalp is sore, not from the combing and tugging, just from having dreads for 10 months, but i've gotta tell ya... putting my fingers thru my hair felt like a 1000 bux. my scalp is in serious need of some lovin', it has that "i've been wearing a pony-tail too long" feeling. i have all the front and top ones out, my guess is that i'm 1/3 of the way (i have 24 to go, and i can't imagine i've done more than 12 – i wish i'd counted them). it's a funny look, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "business in the front, party in the back". when b showed up and saw my silky straight locks he said "wow" – i think that's a good sign :)

so we headed down to the show brendan was playing at the artel. for the most part its very easy to forget that i am significantly older than him, aside from the logistics of it it never crosses my mind because he's so seasoned. however, upon entering the artel i suddenly found myself among his peers and it hit me "man i'm old!". it never comes up because i always see him among MY peers, he's really unusual and jives with people older than him – it's been said "he has an old soul".

anyways, so there he was,
on stage with the rest of graven, and as he begins to play his resonator guitar i'm once again struck by how talented he is. like, i'm fully aware that he's a talented guitarist, but when i hear him play it hits me fresh each time. in fact, i was so overcome that i wanted to vomit (in a good way). when i hear him play i'm reminded that he's not just some normal guy, it's amazing. i say this at risk of sounding like that typical groupie girl that fawns over the nearest guitarist. i'm not that girl and he's not that guitarist. bren m would back me up on this because i know she likes to see him play too, and mike says he channels "slowhand".

speaking of the melles...
our game of trivial pursuit was kind of slow and the trivia was circa 1981, but we enjoyed each other's company immensely. the melles won fair and square, but brendan and i gave them a run for their money that's for certain.

i'm not finished yet,
i've got a little left in me.

homage

i may or may not have mentioned this before, but i'm afraid of worms. i have been for as long as i can remember. i learned quickly as a child not to tell my classmates of my phobia because the boys took advantage of rainy days and would pick up worms and chance me around with them. when i was in grade seven, the bus stop was across the street from my house (in fact, i stood at that bus stop with thomas peters for 8 years - we never said a word to each other. we're far more friendly now). on one rainy day at the bus stop, as i steeped onto the bus, i noticed the girl in front of me had a worm crawling up the back of her pant leg. i was horrified, but i didn't speak up because i was so creeped out and that girl was kind of mean to me. i sat silently on the bus looking out the window, feeling quite disconcerted when i happened to overhear someone point out the worm to the girl and her reacting to the discovering. for the rest of the day there was a thin muddy line up her pant leg left behind by the worm.

as a tween, my fear expanded to caterpillars. i won't get into why, because that's a story in itself, but the hairier the more frightening. i would opt to walk around a caterpillar by a good 3 feet than step over one.

this lunch time as i walked i noticed an inch worm, and i found it quite cute. i concluded that inch worms are the only Caterpillar i am not afraid of because they are green and non-threatening.

this evening the irish and the melles' are duking it out in a battle of wits. who will win in this game of trivial pursuit?? one can't say. they have a 15-20 year advantage, but we are nerdy, my partner-in-crime even more so than i am, so we might stand a chance. personally i think it's a good sign that the first question i read last night (after buying the game at value village) was about eric clapton. we may be fated to win. i'll keep you posted.

she don't know what she don't know.

hydro

i just got word from my mom that my uncle bill died. he was one of my dad's younger brothers. there were 6 in total (plus 3 half-siblings who were quite a bit older). it went like this... (the only sister) june, george, bill, len, rick, and glen. my dad is george. my dad and his brothers had a unique bond while growing up, a connection that cannot fully be understood by those outside. unfortunately, it's the kind of thing that doesn't always translate well into adulthood and in the last 20 years distance has grown between them. when joy and i were in our early teens, my dad would take us to toronto for a week once or twice a year, we'd stay with my uncle bill and his wife adrienna (she was his second wife, and still to this day i don't think of her as my aunt. she was loud and italian, she liked to over feed us), during those years we got to know my uncle bill quite well. he was a hard man with a soft side. he could make us laugh and also cringe. the thing that stands out to me the most was his ability to bear a grudge, and what made me instantly sad when i heard of his death was the realization that he died without resolution. he's been estranged from his children for the better half of their lives. he's never met his grandchildren. no one should die that way.

i'm worried about my dad, the way he'll feel to hear that his younger brother had a heart-attack at 62. his brother who was healthy and fit aside from his high-strung nature. i hope he can find it in himself to mourn. he showed no emotion when his mother died, but this is different, its his little brother; who he played with, and fought with, and fought beside. in spite of the fact that that group of former ragamuffins have been disjointed for years, they still existed together although apart. there is a break in the chain, a hole where there was none before.

it never occured to me that this could happen, and much less that it would. phone calls are being made, plans for a possible trip to TO for the funeral. it's a little unorganized because we don't know what we're doing. we have no protocol for such ocassions. with a family like mine, that's so unpredictable it's hard to know what's kosher. what the right thing to do is, who's in and who's out. who you might offend by doing this, that, or the other thing.

i'm sad for her, for him, for them. it makes me sad to think that people allow their lives to go on with unfinished business. life changes suddenly, in irrevocable ways. i'm thankful for the reconciliation that's taken place in my own life. i hope they will be redeemed. that goodness will flow out of this sad and lonely situation.

i don't want cycle or recycle revenge.

asphalt

i don't believe we live in a black+white world. it makes me sad when people paint it that way. there are no easy answers, if there were we'd be living in those easy solutions. but the earth is a mixed up and complicated place, full of many shades of gray and grace. how can you see it so bleakly? how can you look at one situation or another and believe it to be completely 1-dimensional? i don't know what to say, because i'm not going to argue. there's no way of making other people see what they can't.

the sun set while i was in the grocery store tonight. it feels weird. it's like i don't even remember the darkness from previous years. it makes early evening feel like bedtime. oh well, it will start to get lighter again in a little over a month.

i really do like variety. even if my need for change is not daily, i do need subtle variety from the regular. it's good, it keeps things clicking and spicy.

ferrence and i were reading about lettuce on wikipedia today. we discovered that eating lettuce in iraq is considered a taboo. the world is a funny place. i'm quite grateful for the humour of it all.

walking through a paper town
counting all the reasons to burn the others down.

kleenex

sometimes girls eat coleslaw late at night with a side of grated cheese instead of doing their dishes.

sometimes in order to save my cat from certain death i feed her soft food, then it stinks up my kitchen.

bren and i have been talking recently about how life has a way of bring along just what you need/want if you wait long enough. she used the example of needing a new backpack for her kid, and specifically wanted a MEC bag because they're good quality, but she kept putting it off, and before she got the chance to go to their website to order one, she found one at a garage sale for something like 2 bux. i know that's nothing grand or meaningful, it's just a backpack, but it's a good reminder that sometimes it's more a question of when as opposed to a question of if. this has led to big questions in my mind. and the one i keep going back to is "what do we do in the meantime?". i know in the past i've belly ached and whined about stuff, and at other times i've pulled up my bootstraps and made the most of the "meantime". the meantime can be scary, because there's no certainty that things will for sure work out. i actually think that the "meantime" is worst part, because waiting doesn't come naturally to me without a distraction. from now on i kind of want to ask you all to ask me next time i'm worried or anxious "what if it all works out?", if nothing else it will make me think.

YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! shanno and i are going to cuba! i would like to thank the house famous... God the creator of cuba... my beautifully bearded boyfriend... shanno's mama + papa... and most of all shanno, for making this trip possible :D hurray! par•tay!

holiday...
celebrate...
if we took a holiday,
took some time to celebrate,
just one day out of life,
it would be, it would be so nice.

diphthong

i think the motor in my electric toothbrush is dying :S it feels weird brushing my teeth with stationary bristles.

i've come to the realization that the more time i spend with brendan the more i'll talk about him on pspd. that bothers me a little, because i imagine people saying "oh my goodness, i wish she'd shut up about him already" but the reality is that as i talk about my life, i talk about the people i spend my life with. so i hope you'll be gracious and instead of finding it annoying, and you'll just recognize it as a natural thing to do.

that being said...

brendan and i played squash this afternoon at the YMCA. it was his first time, i've played repeatedly but i've never been very good. however, we played really well today. we didn't keep score but we volleyed back and forth for ages many times. i'm proud of us! it was very fun. i'm sure if we keep practicing we'll eventually play a real game.

on our way home we dropped by bren(DA)'s place and borrowed her hair clippers so we could cut brendan's hair. it was really fun. i've never used clippers before. we used my rain poncho from the inca trail as a hairdressing muumuu and put a towel around his neck like at a real barber shop. his hair looks really good too, i like it that short. when i took off the guard to do his neck i didn't know how to do that part properly and made a bit of a mistake behind his ear. he looked at me a little panicked and asked if i had a mirror so he could see what i was doing. he was very good about it, and i promised to never do it again. he showed me how to do it properly, then i started on the other side of his head. unfortunately, i clipped a little bit too close again, he stifled his agitation, but got over it quickly. phew! i appreciated his understanding. i'm pretty sure he'll permit me to do it again, wait... let me ask him... the answer is yes. it was fun :D

i cut his hair myself one night,
a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light,
and he told me that i'd done alright,
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light.

godfather

it was one year ago today that the black star of secret significance found its resting place on the inner wrist of my left hand.

to commemorate the occasion, shanno and i went to the casino in gan. we each had 10 dollars and after having a free beverage from the drink stand we set off to find a machine with a lever to pull.

before leaving, shanno's housemate brendan, gave us a lucky disc and letter of good fortune for us to keep on our bodies. he pretty much promised us a new million-dollar lifestyle. it quickly became apparent that the disc was a ploy, instead of good luck it robbed us of success. even after we rubbed it on one of the slot machines and i kissed it, we still lost :S the most i won was $1.50, it was exciting while it lasted, i flapped my hands around with delight. last time i left with an extra 30 bux in my pocket, so i'm certain that disc was a ruse. we hate that cd. we had pretty crappy luck, one machine most definitely mugged me.

the casino is a fascinating place to be. it's also really sad. the way people mindlessly sit there hitting the same button over and over. the way they fork over hundreds of dollars for one round of roulette. the way the sharps container in the bathroom was half-full in plain sight. the casino is full of really mixed up people. one of the things that amazes me is that they look pretty normal, most of them baby-boomers, and not unsimilar to my parents. but my parents don't gamble. i'm so puzzled by these people, i would love to research them, to interview them, to get some kind of understanding of their story and why they do what they do. it's not life-giving, it's life-sucking.

the security guard didn't believe me that my id was actually mine. when i handed it to him he said "you've got to be kidding me", i offered to take off my glasses, he accepted, then after further scrutinizing my face he permitted my entry.

i've really enjoyed my tattoo. it's crazy to think it's been a year. it's been fun. when i think back i'm so happy that shannon came with me when i got it.

i thought i would know what to do when the time came,
i was wrong, i didn't know anything at all.

bloody nose

i'm SO EXCITED!!!! joy's having another baby girl!!! i'm partly thrilled about this because that was my guess. for years i thought my sister was going to have one girl and 3 boys. so far i'd been right with my guesses, my track-record was perfect, and i was quite certain she'd have that 3rd boy when the time came. but from the moment i heard she was having a baby i knew it was a girl. it's really fun having magical powers :D AND having another little girl in the family will be awesome. hurray! i've been eagerly anticipating this news all week.

so it turns out that b and i originate in the same small town in ireland on the paternal side of our families. when i looked up ballymena on wikipedia today i discovered it has 28,700 residents. it's a really small town. but what's extra crazy is that in the late 1800s when my ancestors came to canada the population of that small town was 8,000 people. our families were probably neighbours, frig, we're probably related! hahaha. we've lived parallel lives, so much so that he wasn't even surprised to hear our heritage was the same too.

it's hilarious the number of people who've commented on the bird crap on my car.

i look at the floor and i see it need sweeping.

peanuts

i nearly ran him over with my car yesterday. an old friend. i thought it was ironic and wondered afterwards if he recognized me, i hoped he hadn't, but if he did it would explain why he looked away so quickly. i was kind of tempted to hit the gas, just for old times sake.

i did a lot more talking than i had anticipated. my ability to carry a conversation has saved me on multiple occasions. i really don't know how i would manage without it. afterwards i giggled in a red bathroom, looking myself in the mirror like i was sharing an inside joke with myself. at times i am grateful that i'm my own constant companion, and that my reflection is like an old friend who i can look in the eye knowingly. it was a kodak moment.

you're sweet company.

tree

i'm quitting yoga.

yogi master dennis is no longer the instructor and i don't like the new person. actually, i quite like her as an individual, but i don't like the style of yoga she teaches. i was bored out of my head, for the second time with her, and found myself watching the clock the whole time ("it's only 8:00! we still have 45 minutes of this! argh!"). i really wanted to bolt, i have too many other things i enjoy doing to endure a class that i'm NOT enjoying. but i bit my lip and went thru the motions, while firmly deciding never to go back. well... maybe in january, apparently she's just an interim instructor until the new year. so instead i'll keep doing pilates and treadmill on mondays, and probably pick up some treadmill on wednesdays right after work.

someone has moved into the cubicle closest to me. that's where angela our summer student used to sit, she was quiet and listened to her ipod all day. but this new neighbour joins in my conversations with my colleagues from where she's sitting, which just confirms to me that she listens in on ALL my chats. that bothers me a lot. my mom called me at the end of the work day, and we were having a private convo, and the whole time i was thinking about how the lady was probably listening. it was really irritating. unfortunately, my mom's phone was crappy and quite frequently she'd say "hello? hello? i can't hear you", so i'd have to shield the mouthpiece as i spoke into it to muffle my voice. hm. oh well, i do like her, she's a nice lady. i guess i'll get used to it.

i was feeling concerned about the week ahead. it was going to be busy and i thought i'd loose steam and not be able to accomplish everything. but thankfully i got things juggled fairly well and i have a free evening to be at home and work on the probono design work i have on the go. i'm determined to attain and maintain balance in my life. it just seems like i'll need to be conscious of it, it won't naturally happen.

we like you because you're cute and young.

burnt

i went to value village this afternoon. i found a selection of stuff to try on, perused the men's section looking for a snazzy vest, but came up short. i ended up getting a great pair of navy blue cords, they're really comfy and flattering, which is nice. i haven't actually worn cords recreationally in 10 years. when i was about 19 i suddenly only wanted to wear jeans – jeans jeans i needed to wear jeans. but now i feel open to the idea of cords and quite like them. they're less bulky than jeans. i tried on a few long sleeve shirts and found 2 that i liked and 1 i felt so-so about so decided against it. after i left the store i realized that i bought the one i was just so-so about. i put it in the "take" pile, instead of the "no" pile. hmph. i stood in the parking lot, swearing, trying to decide what to do, and ended up keeping it. after working at value village i know what they're return policy is like, so i knew it wasn't worth the hassle. it's a nice shirt, but is just a little short, and i prefer long shirts. but i can imagine rach wearing it, and that's always a good sign. in my mind i tried to picture rach wearing it, how she would solve the "too short" problem, and i figure i can just layer it up and it'll look fine.

as i slept this morning, i had a dream with him in it. it wasn't a special dream, but he said to me "don't you think it's time to get up now?" and a second later my alarm clock went off. it really was time to get up. it was really fascinating.

i remember it all. it was something that made a profound impact on me.

now when the sun come up,
i'll be there to say what up.

flash

in spite of what's implied by this picture,
he actually really adores me.

i've gotten some stuff sorted out. a good talk with a good friend put my fears at bay and i've been able to get back to simply enjoying him. i love that i've hooked up with someone who loves music even more than i do. excellent.

me, b and liz went to skeleton park this afternoon to see the gertrudes and check out the costume parade. it never occurred to me that i was supposed to dress up, and was therefore terribly under-dressed. thankfully when bren and mike arrived they weren't in costume either, so then i felt less weird. there were some good outfits there, i think my favourite was lyon's mary poppins – it was extra funny because shanno hates mary poppins.

b and i made lasagna tonight. and when i say we, i mean he. i mostly sat and talked, or cut stuff up per his instructions. which worked out well because apparently he has issues when it comes to kitchen stuff – he's a one man show. i like this picture. in fact, i really like my kitchen.

if i wanna fly i could fly for freedom.

casino

i'm concerned that my new shampoo smells like toothpaste :S

i don't know how to navigate things. how to be changed along with my changed circumstances. i've been surprised and alarmed to find a few lurking issues that i have not managed to expel. i know it hurts him when i remind him that things could turn horribly sour, and that it crushes a little bit of his green grassy heart. i don't want to trample him. i find myself constantly trying to keep him at arms length, that's driven by my fear that someday he'll be beyond arms reach and i won't know how to cope. i'm too old to be foolish, he's too young to be anything but. he knows not to give me empty promises or empty reassurances, so instead he tells me "we're going to be ok", which i find comforting and like that he knows the right thing to say. the thing i find scary is that each day our connection grows, and it's becoming that i feel more like myself when we're together. i'm in the midst of a new normal. i find that beautiful, but risky. i've gambled too much with my heart, it's worn-out and shapeless, but just like any gambler there's part of me that thinks it's worth one more toss of the dice - because "you never know". he tells me not to worry about tomorrow. i like that he lives so much in today and there's part of me that really aspires to be like that. but i think my survival instinct searches for signs of life in the days to come. i hear the words of my sister echo in my head, and i agree with the sentiment, but fear grips me. i don't know how to let go when i trust no one but myself and even that trust is sketchy. maybe a person never really heals. i thought i was stronger than this, more capable, and more relaxed. however, i don't think this is about him, or us, or anything other than me actually. i have hang-ups. i've been burnt and are now shy. no one can change that other than me. but the thing is, being broken made me a better person. there's absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. would i change the years gone by, the water that's gone under the bridge? no. but i would change now. how i feel now. what i fear now. it's time to let go, and just be.

you make me feel like i am home again.

disaster

i'm always amazed when i have a passenger and they take it upon themselves to adjust the knobs on my control panel. yesterday my colleague francois drove with me to our testing facility and almost immediately he started turning on the A/C increasing the air flow, etc. i didn't mind exactly, i was just quite surprised. i've always considered controls in a car off limits, i would never adjust anyone elses heat or stereo. that's like going into someone elses home and turning up the heat - that would be very rude! that's why i don't do it. i thought that was regular car ettiquette, but maybe not.

it's always highly amusing when someone stumbles across my blog from googling me. partly because they have no idea that i know they've done it, but also because it's hiliarious to discover that they're curious about me. i guess it's a bit of a compliment.

while babysitting the kids i was quite disturbed by this video game joelle had been given by some friends. it's was this crazy consumeristic plot that was all about getting money for menial tasks (20 dollars for watering a plant, 40 dollars for sweeping the floor) then she could go to the mall with $350 and buy all sorts of crap she didn't need until she had no money left. it was REALLY disturbing.

we're going places you've never dreamed of.

ticket

i forgot to make mention yesterday that it was my 4 year anniversary of pspd. it's been a crazy, long ride so far. i've enjoyed having this blog as an outlet and a place to share about my life. it's filled a need in my life, and maybe in some ways the lives of other people too. thanks for being a part of this experience, and i look forward to many more entries in the future :)

i told you to be patient,
i told you to be fine,
and i told you to be balanced,
and i told you to be kind,
in the morning i'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind.

apron

mondays are usually my nights at the Y. but it dawned on me while at work that this week is going to be especially busy with activities, and if i go to the Y i'd continue to live in squalor and would NOT experience peace of mind. what's the point of a leisurely hobby if it adds to the burden of your regular life? partly the reason why yoga and pilates is important to me is that i feel that those activities provide an element of balance to my life. but i need to be careful that i don't begin to focus more on the activity than what's being accomplished thru it. so i stayed home. i had a delicious dinner, i finished "a million miles in a thousand years", i cleared out my refrigerator (that has had rotting vegetables in it since the beginning of august), i baked some cookies for the board meeting on wednesday, and i cleared off my desk! i can actually see the glass surface for the first time since june! it's been good. i feel good. and that's the point of my evening at the Y, right?

when i returned to work today i was asked if i had the swine flu. i don't know for sure. i'm hoping i did because then i'm done and won't have to worry about getting the vaccine. i've reviewed the symptoms but my analysis has been inconclusive.

the announcement has been made, and i have NOT been selected as a bombardier torchbearer for the 2010 olympics :( oh well. it's ok. it would've been fun, but i think it would've also been hard and i'd be nervous. so in a way i'm relieved. i'm happy to just go watch with some of my friends. it will be amazing.

i was really hating my hair today. it was bothering me a lot. looked terrible. but when i threw it up into a bun in frustration it ended up looking great! phew! it's just gotten so freakishly short. that's my only criticism, that dreads has progressively made my hair shorter in the last 10 months. except for one dread. it's like a have a dread rat tail :S

the one that you're using is bruising you.

out

i had a lovely time at the goat with shanno today for lunch. my food was especially tasty. we arrived in the freakish half-hour between breakfast and lunch, and had to wait 20 minutes before we could order. we just got a beverage and sipped it slowly until lunchtime. i noticed when i was there yesterday with bren that the man sitting at the table beside us (we had to share a table) was TOTALLY eavesdropping on our conversation. at one point i turned and looked at him and he quickly looked away – pretending he hadn't just been blatantly watching and listening to me. it was a bit awkward. thankfully the people at our shared table today didn't listen to our conversation, however it didn't seem like they were doing much of anything. just eating silently, staring into space – also a little bit weird.

well, having missing 3 days of work and one bake sale i'll be back in the office tomorrow morning. i had a really encouraging conversation with eric after living room tonight. apparently there's quite a lot of demand for freelance design work in kingston.

you know what i hate about facebook? (besides the fact that they change it every 4 to 6 months) that it doesn't allow people to customize the homepage. i liked it the way it was, with the photos and stuff on the right. why can't it have options for people to have the live feed or news feed if they want it, or photos, or status updates, or whatever!!?!? people like to be able to customize stuff. i wish they'd realize that soon and give us some control of our homepages :S

i'm hoping that you'll stick around.

blink

i've had a really great day. my cold is finally retreating and i've had some time to myself and some time with people.

i had to get up early to take my car to get rust-proofed. i've never done that before, however i do think it's important and i've been planning on doing it for a while. so it felt good to get that accomplished. i felt like a fish out of water while waiting for my car. but i came to the conclusion, that sometimes we have to find ourselves in those types of situations to be reminded of who we are.

when i got home i quickly put together a flyer for a new homework club. another thing accomplished. then made impromptu plans with bren to walk down town for a cup of tea. i enjoy her company a great deal, and like her spontaneity.

while i was downtown i did a few errands, then dropped by michelle's place, went came home for dinner before i went out on a date with myself to the screening room. i went to see enlighten up! – it's a documentary about yoga. when i arrived i heard someone say my name, so i looked around to find liz sitting near the back so i moved to sit with her. that was a fun coincidence.

it's just been a fantastic day. just what i needed :) i only wish i'd had time/the desire to really thoroughly tidy the pad, because it's starting to get too cluttered. that and i didn't get around to the next logo. hm. oh well. soon.

someone like me with someone like you –
how unlikely, too good to be true.

corduroy

the leaves on the trees across the street from my house have started falling. i think they were slower than most to start changing colour. they look beautiful drenched in rain, kissed by the cold. the leaves cover the ground like a carpet. the trees draw attention to themselves as people pass by below – occasionally tapping someone on the shoulder or patting them on the head. for some reason they look so soft, i wish i could reach out and run my hand along them as they hang in the trees. i'll miss them when they're gone.

being sick has given me lots of reading time. i finished my book club book with a great sense of satisfaction. then started on the new don miller book, it's really neat, he does the inca trail!

i'm planning on going back to work tomorrow. emma is here from the UK again, i want to see her. i just don't want to make her sick because she's going to spain on vacation next week. on saturday i need to take round two of the next church logo. i'm hoping for success. i will conquer logo design, i will own it, it will not overcome me. this is important seeing as it seems i'm destined for a life-long relationship with logo design, so we might as well make peace pronto.

this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization.

logarithm

earlier today i had symptoms of a cold. i was quite delighted by the thought that i'll get a few days off sick, but now that it's evening and my cold is really taking hold of me, i'm less thrilled. i've almost completely lost my voice, and that's never happened to me before. it's really bizarre. i've just left a message for the knickers saying i won't be coming in in the morning, i figured i had better leave a message while i can still speak. i'm going to drink some neocitran and get into bed. i'll read before i pass out in a medicated state. at least i'm getting a lot of reading done.

i'm picking fruit
and i choose you.

epoxy

i did something dumb tonight.
i went to the Y as usual on a monday night. usual routine of pilates, treadmill, then yoga. but i stupidly walked the treadmill in my new roxy boots and the soles of my feet are majorly sore and blistered. which ruined yoga class because i couldn't do the positions properly. aside from that, tonight was already a bit of a let down. i had a substitute teachers, and i just don't like their style of teaching as much as christina and yogi master dennis. i just don't think my heart was in it.

i bought the new dragonette cd on saturday. bren teased me saying it's so retro to buy cds, it's true, but i get them for at work. they're ideal because i can listen to them on repeat for weeks at a time. i'm totally digging this album, i needed some new tunes in my cube. it's revitalizing.

he gave me the blues. i gave him a broken circle.

come on, say it,
i know you can feel it too.

mopeds

i love that rach laughed. i love that she gave me a hug too.

i've really been enjoying living room. it's different every year, and so, as usual, i'm enjoying it in a different way. i love that it gives me a chance to connect with people. that we spend 2.5 hours together in a small room talking about the bible, God, and life. we share personal stories, things that really matter, i feel invested in the lives of those people. i know what's important to them, and as a result it's important to me too. i have a unique role as the facilitator, and i consider it a bonus because i get to really look out for the people who come. living room has taught me a great deal about life, relationships, community, myself, and God too. this is my fifth year leading this group. when i started it all those years ago, i had no idea how long it would last, or what the outcome of it would be. it's been a positive experience, and it makes me happy to hear that it's been good for the living roomers too. for that i take no credit, i'm just glad that it's worth the effort and it's affective in accomplishing its purpose. i think i experience the group very different as the facilitator than the others do. there are times when i find it really hard, times when i find myself praying "oh God, please help us" when the conversation goes down a particularly challenging path. and thankfully things always wrap-up nicely. i always leave with a bounce in my step and a thrill of knowing it was time well spent.

it's amazing the things i learn from a six year old.

i'm transparent to my sister even over email.

heart on my sleeve,
not where it should be.

(no subject)

as my new-thing-i've-never-done-before for october, i played poker at the house famous. i'd never played poker before, and i was a little slow in the uptake at first, but eventually got with the program. i even won about 4 hands.

bren and i went shopping this afternoon. she needed to go to the mall, and hates the mall, so i went to provide her with some moral support and to enjoy her company. she needed to get some boots, and oddly enough i bought some before she did, and i wasn't even looking :S they're just simple slip on boots for shoveling, taking out the trash, driving to friends houses – i hate having to do up boots when i'm just going to be wearing for a few minutes. i've been needing something like that for several years, and they were on sale, so i bought them for posterity's sake. they're great. i've been wearing them all evening – well at least since i returned home from two different birthday celebrations. i think i'm especially fond of boots. they make my feet so toasty. now that i think of it, these are my third pair that i've posted a picture of on pspd. it might seem frivolous to own 4 pairs of boots, but they all have different uses – 1) my big brown fancy boots for dressy occasions, 2) my awesome black winter airwalks for general wear, 3) my sensational galoshes for rainy wear, and 4) now my roxy slip-ons for convenience and endurance. i actually feel quite privileged to own such boots.

your hair was long when we first met.

squirrels

there was a wellness fair at work today. seeing as i'm on the committee i had to think of people/organizations to invite to participate. i asked lyon if he'd like to come and have a table about organic/locally grown food, he said he would. so i connected him with the organizer, and plans fell into place. this morning i gave him a drive and helped him with all his goods, then went on my merry way. a couple hours later i went over to check out the scene and discovered that tim's booth was by FAR the best one there, not only in display but in interaction. tim's personality is perfect for interacting with strangers, especially about things he loves. his booth was the most busy one there, i tried to go around to the other tables even though i really wasn't interested, but i kind of felt sorry for them. jamie told me that tim's table brought a human element to the fair. i felt proud of tim, and by extension felt proud of the people in my community.

i really wanted tim to come and visit me in my cubicle, but i'm in the smaller of the two buildings – they're connected by a tunnel and you need a badge to enter and exit. brendan told me that he wouldn't be surprised if tim finds his way into my building, and sure enough he appeared at my desk. it made me laugh that brendan was right, and i think it made me exclaim extra loud "you're here!". it was cool getting to show him where i work and have a little visit with him in my space. before he came i was sure that seeing my work environment would help tim understand me better (as it would anyone), and i think it did.

david and sue came to pick him up at lunch time, i bumped into them in the parking lot when i was heading out for my walk. that gave me an opportunity to take them over to my building and show them my 8x8 blue cube too. sue was quite disturbed by the cubicle culture, it was refreshing to talk to someone who could clearly see that it's an oppressive environment. when i showed them my desk i tried to highlight the modifications i've made to make it more bearable.

when i was talking to the knickers later, she said "i met your friend tim, he's nice", then went on to say he seems like a beatnik. i wasn't certain of the definition, so i just agreed and said he's a hippie. later on i looked it up and found that a beatnik is: "a person who participated in a social movement of the 1950s and early 1960s which stressed artistic self-expression and the rejection of the mores of conventional society; a usually young and artistic person who rejects the mores of conventional" and it made me wish that i'd known that before because not only is tim a beatnik, so are most of my friends. i so wish i'd had an opportunity to tell her that, as a means of rebelliously rejecting her conventional outlook.

a man melts the sand so he can see the world outside.

peninsula

indeed. there are times when it's necessary, and quite satisfying, to stay up way past one's bedtime to see some live music and spend time with good friends.

some days it all adds up and what you got is enough.

daddified

for those of you following along at home you are aware that i do at least one new thing every month. it dawned on me today (with a fair bit of horror) that we're mid-way thru october and i don't have anything planned for this month. i can think of several small things, but i'd like it to be something good. do you have any suggestions or ideas?

i went to a lecture tonight at queen's. i liked sitting in between bren and melissa. being in the presence of two of my inner circle. it was quite a privilege.

i forgot to tell you, i dropped my lunch all over the floor at work yesterday. to my utter surprise two quite unlikely women knelt on the floor with me trying to clean up my scattered rice.

ok. that answers my question.

she's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.

smirk

i've come to the conclusion that my level of stress is directly related to the amount of time i spend in my cubicle. i've GOT to get out for my walks at lunch time. which means i'll have to bring warm clothes, and i won't be able to read while walking because it's too cold to turn the pages :S that's too bad, i really like reading.

i started on my second mitt last night. but unfortunately, this evening when i was halfway done i realized i was using the wrong size of needles and had to rip it out :S darn it! sometimes i'm so careless and don't pay attention to what i'm doing.

i saw the most incredible rainbow as i drove home today. did anyone else see it? i think it could only be seen from a certain angle, because when i turned the corner it was gone. it was a full rainbow the kind that's a complete arch. it was incredibly beautiful. i wanted to believe there was a promise hidden inside it for me.

ooooh! my replacement zooropa cd came in the mail today! hurray!

she sees a man, inside the child.

hay

i came across a quote the other day that really hit me in the face. "i always find it more difficult to say the things i mean than the things i don't."(W. Somerset Maugham). i feel that is true of me as well. i don't know if it's a question of getting choked up by the words, or if i don't know how to explain what's going on in the labyrinth of my mind, or if saying the things that dwell in the inner most parts of my heart makes me too vulnerable. i'm not sure, it's complicated. but it was lovely to see someone else put it into words.

i'm so glad the heat in my house has finally turned on. i've been freezing!

all of us here
have been here all the time.

cougar

i had my family over for thanksgiving dinner today. i made a chicken instead of a turkey. i'm working myself up to it. last time i had them over for thanksgiving i made a ham, so a chicken is one step closer, at least it was a bird. and really, a chicken was all we needed. there's was only 4 adults and 3 kids. my mom is in vermont with my aunt and uncle. things at dinner went fairly well. a couple of the vegetables were undercooked, but everyone applauded me heartily. it was fun. it turns out that liam is horribly afraid of cats and would scream blue murder every time one came near him. we went over to the park after dinner and froze our butts off, i am unprepared for october to be this cold.

joy and tim invited me over for a movie this evening, so i went and took my knitting with me. i struggled with my knitting pattern at church this morning and tried to solicit advise from the people around me, but no one knew how to help me. thankfully i got it worked out tonight, and got my first mitt finished! it looks good. it's going to be felted, so i might need to come to one of your houses to borrow your washing machine.

it IS funny, which is partly why i like it and feel like it's a good thing.

for the last two mornings i've woken up at my regular work time. which is really annoying because i LOVE sleeping in. here's hoping that i'll be able to sleep til noon tomorrow.

i dyed a streak of purple in my hair last night. today my dad says to me "you're hair looks nice les. different, is it darker?" and i said "look closer". tim pointed out "she has purple in the front part". my dad peered at my head and said "oh... that's nice" in a way that i know that he's humouring me. i laughed, patted him on the knee and said "thanks for trying dad". i love my dad. he makes me laugh. tonight he was telling us that he's starting a "geezers" group at his church, tim said "are you going to have a metamucil tasting party sometime?" (just to be a bum) and my dad said without missing a beat "we'll probably do that in december".

you tell me what's real.

i really want to go apple picking sometime. does anyone want to go with me? lemme know, ok?

M*A*S*H*

i had the funnest time with shannon at our slumber party. we carved pumpkins and told secrets. it was a good convo, the kind that's all giggly and girly. i can guarantee it was the kind of conversation that you'd ALL want to eavesdrop on :p

shannon's is on the left, mine is on the right. i was talking so much that i didn't get a lot of carving done, and my knife wasn't ideal. meanwhile, shanno really went to town on hers, expect she was so absorbed in the conversation that she just kept chipping away at his nose and it turned out larger than she had planned. we had some good laughs. i roasted the pumpkin seeds this morning. yum.

we got a late night pizza and drank our 6 dollar bottle of wine while watching the sex and the city movie. shanno passed out half way thru – hahaha, that makes it sound like she was drunk, she wasn't, just tired. apparently she always falls asleep during movies. i do that often as well, except i just turn it off and watch the rest at a later time. which is what we did. when we got up we watched the second half and gave ourselves pedicures and drank wine before noon.

no one could ever accuse us of never laughing at ourselves.

shan wrote a great little summary of our slumber party on her blog. i'm really glad she's in my life. she's so great and i like that we talk about all sorts of inappropriate things. she's a good friend – sets my mind at ease. my little weirdo feminist freedom-fighter :)

i think i'll go put a streak of purple thru my undreaded bangs.

i'm not meaning to avoid eye contact with you. i'm actually trying to work up the courage to look you straight in the eye. it's just that i'm not a multi-tasker, and i can't BOTH look you in the eye and not blush at the same time :S

lend me some sugar,
i am your neighbor.

curvaceous

we had our first "real" book club meeting tonight. "real" in the sense that we actually discussed the book. it seemed i'm the only one who didn't finish, meanwhile jordin didn't read at all. over all, i'd say no one was crazy about the book, some enjoyed it more than others. i love that we sat knitting and talked amount a ton of other things, and pretty much discussed the book very little. i've been struggling with my knitting project, so i'm thrilled that i was surrounded by knitting pros who could not only advise me but also could provide me with the correct size of needles. kim is not (yet) a knitter, but she is a quilter, which impressed us all. sarah was busy knitting a cape that may or may not contain magical powers.

i was super stressed at work today. thankfully during our discussion tonight the different form of love languages came up in convo. so everytime i got all anxious the girls (specifically michelle and rach g) were quick to bestow on me affection to help calm my nerves.

as i waited to head home (i carpooled with rach e and jordin), i jokingly said "throw me that laptop and i'll do my blog entry right now", so i'm currently sitting on rach g's couch with my lovely book clubmates surrounding me. they're currently discussing burmese cats in heat.

well i should probably hit "publish post" so i don't delay the girls any longer. they're reading over my shoulder as i write and are not-so-silent contributors (providing suggestions and so on).

you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

beards

i like that with a quick glance we can share the same thought.

a number of weeks ago i babysat my sister's offspring. while i was there i had a conversation with joelle about how old i am.
she says to me "you're kind of like a teenager, right?",
i tell her "no, not really. i'm a grownup",
to that she says "well you're kind of in between a teenager and a grownup",
"no, i really am a grownup" i insist.
i'm not exactly sure what is about me that she associates with being a teenager, but she wouldn't let it go. i just concluded that she equates me not being a parent as not being a grownup (i'm pretty sure when i was little that 'grownups' was another word for 'parents'). however, i'm beginning to think that she might be on to something. she may actually just be very astute. my reason for thinking this is because i'm having shannon over on friday night for a good old fashion sleepover. the kind teenaged girls have with pizza and pedicures – except ours will involve alcohol and R rated movies (sex and the city). i'm really excited about it. and it's left me wondering if i'm an unusual 29 year old, or if my contemporaries just don't have sleepovers because they're married with kids. i've concluded that i'm perfectly ok with being a teenaged-grownup hybrid. i like being this way – young with the experience of life. some may say i'm immature, others might say i'm a "young 29". i don't know if i agree with either assessment. i'm just different. i guess next time joelle tells me that i'm kind of like a teenager i'll tell her "ya, i guess i am".

i want to tell you a secret – a secret of my own.

i had a great time at storytellers tonight. andrew challenged us with our writing activity. we've dwindled in numbers. people have moved away, others have been swept away with the busyness of life. the girls greatly out number the boys – poor andrew and jay. we'd like more people to join us with their pencils and notepads. it's a fun time, fun and rewarding. maybe you should come. you really don't need to be crazy awesome, it's a learning and stretching experience.

buy buy, says the sign in the shop window,
why why, says the junk in the yard.

serenade

this morning i woke up and found that my eyes felt funny. like sandpaper. i wondered if i'd left my contacts in overnight. i tried looking at things across the room to see if they seemed clear or blurry, but in the grogginess of 6:50 a.m. it's difficult to tell what's what. i was of two minds, part of me hoped i'd left my contacts in because it would explain the discomfort, but the other part of me hoped i had not because it's really bad to sleep in contact. turns out i did. thankfully my eyes weren't so dried out that they'd fused to my cornea. just to be on the safe side i wore my glasses all day.

this evening i watched the last episodes of sex and the city. it was bittersweet. i inwardly hate that two part episode, i empathize with carrie too much and it gives me anxiety. i've actually been dreading that episode this whole time, i hoped i would feel different this time knowing that it ends well, but i still didn't like it. my favourite line is when miranda says to big "go get our girl" :) one thing i noticed about sex and the city is that two of the characters end up with really good – yet unattractive – men. this is surprising since it's not reality, so one would expect them to end up with knock-outs because they are very beautiful women. it's kind of comforting. i feel like i've learned a valuable lesson, and am reminded that beautiful men aren't usually all they're cracked up to be. it's making me think – convicted me a little.

there's a bear on the loose at work. yup, that's right. a black bear is hanging out in millhaven, it was spotted twice today on our property. oh crap! i just realized that i went walking at lunch time today by myself around the defunct factory, no one else was walking and i couldn't figure out why. i was reading my book as i walked, it's quite possible the bear was close by and i wouldn't have even noticed. perhaps that was imprudent of me :S oh well, i'm alive.

i like that my mom thinks i'm funny. i can crack random inappropriate jokes and she in turn cracks up.

she just cant be chained
to a life
where nothings gained
and nothings lost
at such a cost.

old dutch

do you see this???

i seriously did this at yoga class tonight.

i know, it's kind of crazy. a stranger lied on top of me as my forehead was smooshed into the mat. she was taller than me. then it was my turn to be on top, which was actually incredibly comfortable. talk about getting to know your fellow yogis. yoga class was different tonight because yogi master dennis was absent. some lady was filling in for him, we mostly lied on the floor stretching. it was ok. my pilates class was intense. i feel really comfortable in my body lately, which is really great. pilates class just emphasized that for me. it felt good.

yesterday my mom's only sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) arrived from the u.k. for a visit. my mom has lived in canada for 40 years, and they've visited once – 20 years ago. i'm excited about them visiting, i think that's great. i suggested to her last week that she could bring them by my office to see where i work – she just lives roughly 6 minutes from my site. she thought that was a great idea, she's never been there before either. so today they came. it was exciting. i introduced them to marilyn and frank (the knickers is in vancouver – which is good, i wouldn't have felt comfortable inviting them if she was in the office), and i showed them my cubicle. they asked me all sorts of questions about bombardier, and i explained my job to them and showed them some of my work. they were very interested and impressed :) i felt a bit self-conscious because i wasn't wearing long sleeves, and my tattoo was quite obvious. my mom's family is quite conservative, and i felt awkward about them noticing it. they didn't say anything, perhaps my mom warned them about my dreads and tattoo before hand (she's done that before). and now that i think of it, i didn't have my nose pierced the last time i saw them either. oh well, i'm me and i like my accessories. i'm sure they're fine with it, they know me and love me. coming from the u.k. it's hard for them to imagine how big canada is. when they flew over labrador the pilot came on and announced it would be another 2 hours, my uncle david was shocked because he felt like arriving above canada would mean they were almost there.

when i think about my mom and my auntie eileen i wonder what joy and i will be like when we're in our 60s.

my tongue is loose. my talk is cheap.

don't question why she needs to be so free,
she'll tell you its the only way to be.

again

sometimes i get a wave of nostalgia. or maybe something else that i can't identify. i wish you were online, because i feel like talking to you.

sometimes i can't look at my own reflection. the sight of myself is frustrating. it's like trying to avoid eye-contact with a loved one. i think i feel guilty and i don't know why.

it's probably this song. or this feeling on my lips. the fact that i'm not tired, but i could curl up in a ball and listen.

i don't really get it. i wish i could put my head in your lap. and for you to wipe my bangs out of my eyes, and stroke my hair. my mind is clouded with self-doubt.

i wish i was highway driving. in the dark. listening to this song in the solitude of my car. i wonder if in this fantasy if i'm driving somewhere or getting away from somewhere. losing or finding.

i'm feeling it. deeply. i'm drenched in it. i just don't know what 'it' is. but it's thick, and it's real, and it might disappear before i figure out what it is. disintegrate into the air.

good friends we have,
good friends we've lost.

parallel

sometimes i say inappropriate things because i think it's funny. i trust that those i'm talking to get that i'm joking. unfortunately, they don't always. i think i do this because there's very little that i love more than being shocked. i love when something is so funny that it slaps me across the face and is mildly offensive (south park is a good example of this kind of humour). but i suppose not everyone gets offensive humour and i should be more careful who i deal it out to. ultimately i think it's yet another thing that boils down to being able to laugh at yourself.

as she hummed "somewhere over the rainbow" i had "no woman no cry" stuck in my head. it was really bizarre. we all live and move to the music that plays in our minds and i'm reminded once again that we're all listening to something different.

one of the main differences between men and women are the elements of pursuit. last night rach and i watched "stranger than fiction", those characters are totally different, and anna pascal would NEVER in a million years have picked harold crick to be her lover. but he liked her, he pursued her, and he won her. women can be worn down by a man so that she really stops and looks at him. it forces her to see in him things that are noble, admirable, and then ultimately desirable. i find this both romantic and alarming. i'm torn, because part of me believes there's nothing more romantic than being pursued, but i have trust issues and fear i could be worn down by inappropriate men. it's happened before. the funny thing is, it's really not that difficult to break past my barriers, but very few men bother trying.

we made promises we will keep.

everything's gonna be all right!

lawn mower

it's 2 am and i just got home from rach's place. we watched stranger than fiction, i love that movie, i pretty much glowed thru the whole thing. afterwards i stayed chatting for several hours. it was just us girls because jase is in montreal. i'm seriously so fortunate to have so many great friends who i connect with.

last night i had a dream that you were my DD. i liked it and was impressed by the way you took care of me.

this afternoon i took shanno for a walk into the wilderness. we climbed up a cliff where we sat at the top on it's rock surface for a long while talking. we were approached a snake, spiders, ladybugs, and saw some dragonflies doin' it. it was fun. i taught her how to eat sunflower seeds. upon returning to k-town we went to the goat – my first time in about 5 months (except for once in august). it was a beautiful day.

it's crazy awesome that i have so many friends in my vicinity. i can walk to almost everyone's house. that's GREAT! sometimes i take it for granted, but really... i live smack dab in the middle of community. i love it.

he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
the same cigarettes as me.

neXXXt

i can't do it.
and i'm not affective in forcing myself to do things i can't.
i'm not above quiting.
i'm a quiter i guess.

please never start your sentence when talking to me with a "i have something to tell you and i think you might hate me". it freaks me out!

i did nothing this evening that i'd planned on doing. i ended up spenting an half-hour watching "a part of our heritage" commercials on youtube (i came across one about j.a. bombardier, i felt it was inaccurate). had a late dinner with melissa. and watched some sex and the city. argh! i was asked to do a logo for next, that's what i SHOULD have been doing this evening. i'm so not disciplined. i'm such a baby, i just want it to be done and awesome without having to really put serious time into it. but that's partly because i'm a slow designer and it takes me a while. i'm easily distracted by the pile of crud on my desk.

my face is back to normal.

my house is freezing. the furnace hasn't clicked on yet and i have no thermostat.

don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by.

misadventure

bren invites me to join her family for dinner at least once a month. sometimes even more frequently. it's been interesting to see the change in her kids as they've gotten used to my presence there. especially with skye who's quite shy. they were uber comfortable with me this evening, climbing all over me. it was fun.

he once told me that it's very sexy that i drive a stick-shift. i like that. in fact, that alone makes it worth learning how to drive a manual car.

a sense of humour will take you a long long way. i can't be around people who take themselves too seriously. life is just too entertaining to be sullen all the time.

i wonder if awkward people know that they're awkward. i wonder how awkward i am on a scale of 1 to 10. i think confidence is a big factor. confidence repels awkwardness. at times i'm an exceedingly confident person. other times not so much.

i've become phobic of needy people. which is worrisome. i'm afraid of cling-ons who suffocate me. i'm hoping that i will love without fear, because needy people are a fact of life and i need to be able to sincerely give and care.

i heard it in her voice. she was nervous.

what you don't know you can feel somehow.