new

guess what?
shhhhh.
i'm not posting this on facebook yet because i want to give tim the chance to announce it, but.....

I HAVE A NEW BABY NIECE!!!!!!!

i got the call at 3 am this morning. i rushed down to the hospital and she was born within minutes of me entering the room. it was fast, very fast. joy pushed 3 times, maybe 4.

her name is erin.
erin joy olding.

more info to follow.
hooray!

barber

this evening i did my taxes. usually i take it to glenn my accountant, but this year his secretary suggested i just drop it off and he do it for me while i'm at work. i didn't like that suggestion because part of the pleasure of tax season is spending time with my amusing taxman. anyways, i was given the option to do my taxes for free at the house famous so i accepted the invitation. 2 hours later a very frazzled lesley signed her name on the papers. it didn't go very smoothly and was a bit of a roller coaster, one second it said i had to pay, then it said i didn't. it flip flopped all around, i was quite anxious, but in the end it worked out pretty well. i'm not sure if it was worth it. i could either have spent $45 to have them done in 15 minutes, or spent 2 hours doing them for free. hm. thankfully i don't need to think about it again for another year.

last night rachel was telling us that her grade 12 english writing teacher told her that only being inspired to write during hard times is a sign of an immature writer. i thought a lot about that throughout today. it made me think about faith as well as writing. i felt convicted that turning to God only when life is going crappy is a sign of immature faith. i'm definitely guilty of that, even though my desire stays the same (it's not like when life is good i don't think i need God, i just put less effort in to seeking and finding when i'm satisfied). immature faith. that's all i can think, it feels like an epiphany.

it's starting to grow
with its roots firmly planted
in the earth below.

apron

b and i have just booked our trip to cambodia. i'm super excited. we fly out at 1:30 am on july 1st (so we have to be at the airport by 10:30 on june 30th), fly for 15 hours to hong kong, have a 10 hour layover in hong kong (maybe we should visit alison lau-stephens??), then take a quick 2.5 hour flight to phnom pehn and arrive there an friday, july 2 at 5:25 pm. we'll spend the next 2 weeks adventuring around the country - a few days in phnom pehn, take the bus up to siem reap for a week, explore the ancient angkor wat on foot, elephant back, and moped, then take the bus back to phnom pehn, hang-out there a little longer, then head home the way we came (via hong kong). we'll arrive back in toronto at 5:30 am on july 18th. it's both exciting and intimidating. there will be a lot of logistics to work out, hopefully brendan and i can pick up a copy of lonely planet cambodia soon so that we can start figuring stuff out. we have plenty of time to book hostels, but no doubt the next 3 months will fly by. just think how quickly my trip to cuba came, and i'm sure this one will be no different. i'm glad that bren and mike have been there before, they'll be able to give us advise about language barriers and so on. we got a pretty good price on our flights (for asia, shesh some flight to northern canada cost more than that trip), actual accommodations and food will be crazy inexpensive (food $3, hostels $9), so it will balance out pretty well.

we have as of yet to find a way to get to and from toronto. brendan's going to ask his mom if she might be willing to give us a lift.

i can't find my birks or my flipflops. i put them in a plastic bag before i put them in my backpack when coming home from cuba and i can't find them anywhere. b says the key to me finding lost items is panic, he's noticed that shortly after i get panicked about something i've lost i find it. i haven't got panicked about my shoes yet, partly because i'm resigned to the fact that they are most likely on the feet of a cuban resident right now. so disappointing because i only bought those birks last summer :S oh well, i didn't have any money to leave as a tip so i suppose my shoes aren't a bad alternative. there are definitely worse things than that.

i can outline my feelings
but i can't fill them in.

endurance

today i saw streams of geese flying north. i feel that's a good sign.

i've discovered that i need to make my bed in the morning to minimize the risk of getting kitty litter in my bed. i HATE having kitty litter in my bed, and it finally clued in that if i covered my bed properly with blankets there'd be less chance of little grains of litter getting between my sheets - i think they get caught on the bottom of the kitties feet and get transported to other parts of the house. sometimes that's the kind of motivation i need to do chores around the pad.

so i finally got the hot water turned back on at home. thank goodness. i was able to do my dishes and am feeling surprisingly on top of things. that always makes me feel good mentally. the bright sun and positive forecast also makes me upbeat. i'm happy to have b back too. i think he took the sun with him when he went to halifax and brought it back with him again.

 

i'm beginning to feel like i'm on the out-skirts of our friendship.

some of you already know about this, but i'm sure some of you do not. on march 27 my friend and cuba-companion shannon is holding a jubilee in mcburney park. what's a jubilee you ask? well, it's a time that occurred every 7 years (in old testament time) when debts were forgiven, slaves and prisoners were set free, and God's mercy was particularly manifested. shannon's desire is to have an old fashion jubilee in the park. it will be a time of celebration and reconciliation. her specific themes are christianity and feminism. she's setting up a "confessional booth" and covering it with confessions by both people groups where they confess to falling short in living up to their beliefs, for letting people down, for losing focus and being selfish, for being complacent, for spreading hate, for acts of violence, etc. this is a very bold move and something that not everyone understands. i'd like to invite you to come join us in the park. there will be live music and togetherness. your support would really be appreciated and would help bring young shannon's dreams to fruition. i don't know exactly what time it'll be at, but by way of this blog entry i'm asking shannon h. gendron to post the deets in the comment section. all (ages, genders, faith orientations, etc) are welcome. let's celebrate freedom!

it's true that you're not alone.

although i felt crazy i stayed pretty calm,
'cause i knew that soon i would be in your arms.

barefeet

it's been a rough day. i don't even have time to get into the whole mess of my massive flood. thankfully nothing was majorly damaged, only majorly wet. well, the facet it broken, but it was not working from the get-go which caused the problem.

i got my laundry done at the melles's, came home for a 3 hour nap, and am about to leave to go see the acorn at the grad club. i'm thinking that will be a nice end to this disaster of a day.

it's been interesting because i've been spending a lot of time thinking about independence over the last week. this day was a great reminder of how much i don't want to endure these types of experiences alone anymore. it coincidentally happened the one weekend brendan was out of town. fighting with an exploding facet was too much for me, the freezing cold water poured all over me and in my face making it hard to breathe. i felt panicky. i needed it to stop but it poured on for 20 to 40 minutes. it leaked thru the opening in my floor, thru the ceiling of the apartment below me, thru their floor into the basement onto our furnace. the whole experience made me miserable. the water eventually got turned off, but the facet is still broken, it won't be replaced until monday. in the process, me and the girl who lives below me tried turned off all the taps we could find in the cellar (and yet missed the one we needed to switch off), and i think one of them was the hot water because i currently have none. but when i went back downstairs i couldn't get the tap to turn again and after this morning's incident i'm gunshy when it comes to forcing unfamiliar taps. i'll just have to make do until monday and i'll leave a note for the plumber.

------

well i just got in from the grad club. the show was great. i love the acorn. it was redemptive.

i was thinking today how it rained both outside and inside my apartment. it was just a plain old yucky day.

on a brighter side of my weekend, i discovered this really awesome website: www.etsy.com it's got the coolest stuff. i'm totally gonna keep scoping it out from time to time. there's nothing i'm particularly in need of right now, but something neat might show up. check it out!

i'm thankful for good friends who helped me get thru the day.

got pulled in by the flood,
and it pulled your body under.

tub

upon arriving home from work i started walking. i headed down the street, thru the ghetto, past the old apartment, down to classic video where i returned season 3 of the office. that took a half hour. while i was there i rented the latest season of weeds, i'm super excited to crack that open this weekend. on my way back i stopped at mango for dinner. i decided to take advantage of the fact that i'm on my own for the next few days and it doesn't matter what i do or if i spontaneously change my plans. i ate a delicious dinner while listening to some very stereotypical valley-girl queen's students talk about their dysfunctional romances. to be honest, it took all that is within me to not turn to the girl and tell her "the guy is saying 'i just want to be single right now' because he doesn't actually love you but likes you enough to not leave, and on top of that he's a coward". i bit my tongue, but it was hard, and yet so easy to see why her relationship wasn't working out. anyways, after that i headed home thru the inner habour, i walked to coffee way for a dozen donuts for the board meeting, then walked home. by the time i got to alfred street my left ankle was killing me and i limped to take some of the pain away. i'm tired. i'm pooped. i walked for 2 hours today – by accident. i'm much more tired that i would've expected, but i think that's because i worked an entire day beforehand.

i'm miles from where you are.

figures

day five:
isn't that a great view?? this was from when we went on a group hike. it took us up a mountain and thru several farms. the farmers and their families were very generous and gave us food and snacks. i drank out of a coconut for the first time ever – the kind taken right off the tree and cut with a machete. we saw a baby alligator and a one earred goat. i'd say this was the day that we saw much of cuba's poverty. so it was kind of bittersweet, but it's important to see such things, and regardless we still had a grand time hiking up mountains and down thru palm tree covered valleys. by the fifth day i'd become aware of the fact that my legs were covered in mosquito bites. they would keep me up at night scratching and scratching. my method is to scratch til they bleed, then they stop itching – which probably isn't the best plan. i'm still waiting to see if i have malaria, but i think i'm alright. see in the picture above how there are white waves dividing the two shades of blue in the water? i think there was a bit of a sand bank or something there, it got very shallow so the waves would crash there and didn't really reach the shore. our beach also had a lot of coral reefs in it, which really attracted fish. shannon (among other things) strongly dislikes fish. i'd try to swat at them with my appendages to keep them away from her, and when that didn't work i'd try convincing her they were trying to kiss her. neither worked particularly well.

-----

in other news... i'm loving this mild spring weather. i'm trying to get outside walking as much as possible. i found that shannon and i did a lot of walking in cuba and it made me feel fit, so i want to keep that up. i walked all the way downtown for groceries last night and carried a big 24 roll pack of toilet paper in my hands the whole way. people looked at me funny. i really enjoyed my alone time.

speaking of alone time, brendan is heading to halifax tomorrow. he's going there with his band to perform for 3 nights, which is totally great! road trip, make music with friends, see the ocean, sounds fantastic. i'm very excited for him.

he's the moon.

stained-glass

day four:
this was a day of chilling. we hung-out on the beach for much of the day. it was relaxing and vacationy. i got a half hour massage for 10 pesos (i would've gone for the hour for 25 pesos, but i didn't have enough because of my absent wallet). the strangest thing about my massage was my introduction to the masseuse. he arrived at the hut, he introduced himself "hola, i'm juan carlos", "hola" i said in return. then he opened his hand to present some raisins and a few blanched peanuts. like this...
so i accepted them from him with a "gracias" then slipped them into my purse while noting that i probably shouldn't eat them. his heart was in the right place.

that night we had our special a la carte dinner at the restaurant (we usually ate at the dinning hall where there was a buffet). we got all dressed up and ready to go – which was difficult because the power kept going off, but we managed. unfortunately it started raining again, but it wasn't that far of a walk. again we went to the nightly entertainment. each night after the performances they did this thing called "club dance". at first we were very puzzled and didn't understand what was happening. we quickly surmised that it was something like the macarena. but the lyrics went like "do you want to touch me? si!", it took us almost the whole week to figure that out. shanno found this video online.

some day things won't be the same.

madlibs

day three:
we got up early and went to havana. we hired a taxi at the suggestion of the receptionist, she said that it takes an hour to get there, we have 4 hours in the city, then an hour back. so that's what we did. it was really fun. havana is really beautiful, with it's old architecture and culture. a lot of the buildings were in disrepair, i heard that's the result of the us embargo. our taxi driver/tour guide took us to the christo blanco look out and were able to see over all of la habana. to get to the city we had to drive thru a long tunnel under the river. it was pretty cool. we went to the oldest cigar making factory for a tour. it was really amazing to see, it's a very complicated process. i've concluded that if i worked there i'd want to be in the box making department, or maybe be the person who organizes the cigars in the box by colour. we learned that about 1/3 of the cigars made don't pass the quality inspection, and since they have so many left over cigars every day each employee gets to take 3 home each day. we spent the rest of our time in old havana. it beautiful hot day, so i got an ice cream cone, shannon got a street pizza. we did some shopping at the market, then wandered looking at the buildings and watching the streetdogs. the men would make kissy sounds at us, i never cease to be surprised by that – like seriously, what kind of response are they expecting. hmph. we went swimming when we got back to the resort. the water was AMAZING! it was my first time in the atlantic. we swam and swam and swam. so nice. that night we went to the evening entertainment for the first time. it had it's great qualities and it's awkward qualities. there were these really talented dancers, which was my favourite part. we stayed afterward for the disco, which was when we met the cuban patrick swayze for the first time. we weren't sure of his name, but he's job was similar to that of patrick's in dirty dancing, hence his moniker. it was awkward because he kept trying to get us to dance with him, when really we just wanted to dance with each other. we knew he wasn't trying to hit on us, he was just doing his job, but we would've preferred him to leave us be. however, he eventually broke thru our barriers and we began very friendly with him, he was nice and we liked having a cuban friend.

you shall be my very own
on the day that i cause you to be my special home.

jibacoa

i'm totally multitasking right now. i'm uploading photos onto facebook using two different tabs and writing a blog entry at the same time.

ok, let me break it down for you. i'm gonna tell you what we did each day, because i feel that's the easiest way of doing it. (i was going to do this in one long entry, but it was getting CRAZY long so instead, i'll post one or two per day for the next while).

day one:
andrew and brendan drove us up to toronto. since it was a sunday morning shannon suggested we have church in the car. it was really fun. we actually did an entire hour: music, awkward sunday, responsive prayer, prayer requests, a 'sermon', communion, a benediction. we called it car church and our slogan was "we're going places". the guys hung out with us at the airport for a while, then left when we went thru security. the flight down went smoothly, although we didn't like the in-flight film and the guys in front of us were somewhat unpleasant. they were a group young guys, clearly going to cuba on their reading week. at one point i turned to shan and asked "are those guys the same age as brendan?" and she said "i was just wondering that too. i don't know". we concluded they were younger than b, but still it was alarming to see guys who are technically the same age as b but are drastically younger than him in every other way. anyways, we arrived and very easily found out bus. the ride thru matanzas to the resort was an hour long and it was pitch black outside so we saw nothing. i told you how when we got checked into our room we sat on the floor eating the food we found in the fridge. it was fun. it was then that i fell in love with pineapple. it was a very pale beige colour so i didn't know what it was, and was surprised because in the past i haven't liked pineapple. we went for a stroll around the resort in the dark, it was a nice night and we could hear the sound music from the disco in the distance.

day two:
it rained. it thunderstormed actually. there wasn't much to do and we didn't have a deck of cards. we drank rum and wandered in the rain. we did some emailing, sat by the pool – i even got in once, then quickly got out again. that evening the weather cleared and there was a beautiful sunset. we walked the beach and had a grand ole time. it was that day that we first noticed heather and madeline. we're not sure what their names actually are, but we assigned them names that we thought were appropriate. they were these two friends in their late 50s, they were grumpy and irritable and kind of lacked social graces. it seemed as though after monday they had soe sort of fight because they didn't speak for 4 days. it made us sad whenever we saw them separately, and couldn't imagine any dispute that would make us not be friends in cuba.

you shall go forth again,
and skip around like calves
coming from the stalls at last.

origami

sometimes when i have too much to say i don't say anything. where does one start when her mind is full of so much?

i'll spend some time tomorrow writing and uploading photos. i promise. getting up at 6 will provide ample opportunity.

i'm excited because in the morning my landlord is bring me a new washing machine and hooking it up at the laundry sink. i'm so psyched because it's been over 3 years since my washer broke and i've been taking my clothes to the wash and fold service. it's going to be SO great to be able to do laundry at my convenience. i can't wait!

on our last day in cuba shannon and i happened upon a litter of kittens!!!! they were awesome! my total favourite – i'm very partial towards stripey tabbies. we hung out with them for a long time, and i even picked one up and cuddled him. he reminded me of fru when he was a baby kitty. when i was in cuba i decided if i were to adopt another kitty i'd name him buk (like boooook). anyways, the kitties looked to be about 2 weeks old, and there were 4 of them. they were as sweet as can be with their tiny little meows and their precious little tails. awwww.


i was swimming in the caribbean.

rona

this has nothing to do with cuba, but i'm really excited about it and need to share my new discovery.

insoles.

you may or may not remember, but al gave me a box of 30 things for my 30th birthday. in that box there were a pair of insoles. i had planned to put them inside my big tall brown boots, but they didn't fit down it's shaped leg. however, this morning as i got ready for work, i slipped them into my white slip-on roxy boots. my roxy's have been great, really convenient and comfortable, but the soles of those boots - when worn too long - really make my feet hurt. basically, the soles are crap. so once i slipped in my reebok insoles courtesy of mr doseger, i immediately found a huge difference. oh man. i love them i already, wear these boots around the house and when i'm napping, now i'll never take them off! the only logical next step is to wear them in the shower.

this morning i'm listening to blues. anyone who knows brendan, knows that he's a blues savant. he made me this mix cd, and i have to admit, i'm falling in love with it. both musically and lyrically. i love that it's so melodramatic, and that it's melodrama is somewhat tongue-in-cheek. i can see this is the beginning of a lovely friendship between me and blues, we're gonna be good pals.

she's been all around the world making honey,
but now she's coming back home to me.

pogo

so, let me take a moment to tell of our trip. or at least an excerpt. i feel almost overwhelmed because i don't know where or how to start.

as you know i forgot my wallet. which is totally weird because it's rare for me to go to work without my wallet. thankfully i like to divy up my cash when i travel and i had a large sum in my suitcase. shannon reassured me that she had her credit card, and brendan told me "you don't need health insurance because it's a communist country". so i arrived in the land of cubans with cash only. it turns out that shan's credit card was refused because it had american affiliations and there were no bank machines in the area (plus they don't rarely accept foreign debt cards). thus, we were rather strapped for cash. BUT we did ok. we strategically set aside 25 CUC pesos to exit the country, so if all else failed at least we could go home. thankfully shanno had been given extra money for an expedition, and we were able to go to la habana, which was great. the only disappointment was that i would've liked to tip the staff more than i did. they depend on tipping, so i hated to withhold. i have to admit, it was more stressful on my subconscious than i thought it would be. after our trip to havana i felt much better, like a load was off my shoulders because i had no idea what that was going to cost. phew! well, i won't ever forget my wallet again, that's for sure, but it was an experience :S

what else should i tell you. what else. what else. when i have limited time it's hard to really go into depth with anything.

ok, so our resort was right on the ocean. we thought it was in varadero, but it was actually an hour outside, which put us an hour away from havana. it was really beautiful being smack dab in between the ocean and the mountains. on windy days there was a red flag place in the sand to tell us not to enter the water. when the waves were strong they brought all the jellyfish near the shore and we were in danger of being stung. as we walked the beach we passed a bunch that had washed up onto the sand. they were quite beautiful actually. i touched one, it was dry and resistant. i later tried to squash one with my sandal, i'd expected it to pop like a balloon (to be honest, they looked like an inflated condom), but it just made my shoe bounce back at me and left a sticky residue. hmmmm.

you're the first thing that i'm thinking when i'm taking off and landing.

count down

the day has gone by quickly, and i haven't had time to post my photos or write fine tales of our exploits. shan and i touched ground in toronto at 1:30 am, we went thru customs and collected our things before coming thru the gates to find andrew and brendan waiting. i ran all the way to my b and flung into his arms. it was nice having someone to come home to. we arrived in kingston at 5:30. i slept until 11 something and went to work for 2 then worked til 6. it was weird and yet strangely the same to be back. it was hard to believe as i participated in a conference call that i'd just been lying on a beach in cuba the day before.

i have much to tell you still, and i hope to carve out some time over the next few days to write and write and write. internet time in cuba was expensive, and the connection was slow so there was really no chance to write. i wish i could download all my memories onto a memory stick so you could peruse them, because they'd be worth experiencing first hand. but alas, that's not possible, and somewhat creepy.

i should get going. my contacts are drying out and they feel like their suffocating my eyeballs.

si es verdad que tu eres guapa
yo te voy a poner gozar
tu tiene la boca grande
dale ponte a jugar, como?

chaperon

well, the end of our trip is near. we have one more night of club dance and one more breakfast with yummy croissants. it's been a good trip. i have some hilarious stories to tell you and i'm looking forward to posting my photo album. good times were had by all.

 

we leave on the bus tomorrow at 6. catch our plane at 10:30, and meet andrew and brendan at the arrivals ramp at 1:30 am (or around that, depending on how long it takes to go thru customs).

 

it's hard to imagine that in a little over 24 hours we'll be arriving back to winter with sun burns, sand in our hair, and seashells in our backpacks.

 

i should go. i have very few minutes left on this card. i hope to see you all soon. i hope you're well :)

blood on your face (big disgrace)

the weather is GREAT today. we're extra thankful since yesterday was so stormy. it's crazy hot, and the ocean is ripe for swimming. we just arrived back from havana, where shannon bought cigars and lesley managed to not befriend streetdogs or cuban men.

 

we've been drinking a lot. rum punches to be exact. we're made our way thru 8 different kinds. we're hoping to catch some live entertainment this evening. that is if we don't pass out at 8:30 like we did yesterday.

 

well, we're off. lesley needs to find some pinapple to meet her daily quota and shannon needs to find some shells on the sea shore. and get naked..... 

 

ciao amigos/amigas! 

turquoise

just a quick note to say we've arrived.

the trip was good.

i forgot my wallet at home :S which means i don't have my credit card, debit card, or drivers licence. but i do have money, so it should be ok.

our resort is great. super cute and colourful. we have this awesome little villa, it came with sandwiches in the refrigerator. when we first arrived we sat on the floor in our underpants and ate pineapple.

it's CRAZY raining right now. and unfortunately it's forecasted to rain all week. i'm crossing my fingers that they're wrong. we're gonna make the most of it anyways, and will probably just plan to be wet the whole week. i figure i'm waterproof, so it's a-ok

i think that's all for now. our internet access is limited.

 

ciao for now!

fortune

we're leaving in less than an hour. perhaps even in a half hour. the morning has gone by a lot faster than i had anticipated, and i hope to get my dishes done, so i shouldn't ramble.

it's pretty hard to believe that by bedtime i'll be in the caribbean. i've never been to the caribbean before and i'm pretty psyched. shanno and i had a pre-cuba chat at the goat the other night and it got me all revved up and excited. we've been planning this trip since june!!!! i'm certain we're going to have a FANTASTIC TIME!! oh course, it's shannon and lesley!

andrew and brendan are giving us a drive to the airport. that'll be a lot of fun and they're gonna hang out with us for quite a while there, until we have to go thru security. they're going to come pick us up next sunday too.

well, i should go. b's coming over for some pancakes, so i should get started because time is passing quickly. i'll keep you posted about our adventures!!!

these streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you.

sight

i was planning to buy a new camera before i went to cuba. bought my current camera back in 2005 right before my trip to paris. i knew at the time that technology would change quickly and decided to buy one then that would be sufficient for the time being, then later buy something more substancial. that little camera is only a 3.2 megapixels and has served me well, now a days cameras are so inexpensive and the number of megapixels so much greater that it makes sense to replace it. however, brendan was given a camera for christmas, and he offered to share it with me. it seemed silly to go out a buy my own when there's one for free available to me, and when we go to cambodia we're not going to need two cameras, so i agreed. b likes to take his camera everywhere with him, and takes crazy random pictures. i've noticed that he has a real gift for capturing me in the most unflattering moments. it's made me wonder if i've become significantly uglier since turning 30. yesterday b brought over his camera so we could transfer custody of it. this morning before work i happened to notice it sitting on my desk (in it's super awesome camera case), so i picked it up and snapped a few photos. what i discovered was rather alarming.... i think it's the camera that takes unflattering photos of me, it wasn't brendan's photography after all! this is alarming because it's highly possible that all my vacation photos in sunny, beautiful cuba will be ruined by my face. i've decided to take my kodak camera with me just in case.

i love that it's within our ability to decide what our story will be. i like that we are our own storytellers. we can't control all elements of the story, but we can change the affect those things have on our lives. so we have to ask ourselves "what do i want my story to be?" and then work towards it. maybe the hardest part is deciding on the path, and the actual journey is much easier. it's good to know that we have choices, we're not completely the product of our environments. i know the story i want to tell, now i just need to live it.

I let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees

 

 

procrastination

i kind of can't wait for my hair to grow back. i love super long hair. the way it waves around in the breeze on summer night. or the way it gently rests on my shoulders and falls down my back. i'm counting down the years. i figure my hair grows 6 inches a year, so by next february it'll be at my bra strap, and another year after that it'll be at my ideal length (mid-back). i have good hair days and bad hair days with it at it's current length. i find it's kind of hard to make it look playful without making me look childish. i was actually really liking my hair today, it was wavy and full, but now that i'm home i just want to throw it up into a long flowing ponytail, only i can't because it's too short. i've come up with a compromise, but it's not really what i want. oh well. i'll try to enjoy each unique stage, recognizing that part of the fun is the anticipation. besides, it's also fun trying to come up with new styles and up-dos.

flow it,
show it,
long as God can grow it,
my hair!

mustard

this is the first time all week i've had a second to just stop. it's been a very dense work-week, but as the end of thursday draws near it's thinning out.

i've been thinking a lot about my trip to cuba next week. planning what i need to take with me, what things i need to pick up from the store, etc. i have to admit, there have been many occasions where i find myself saying the wrong country name. "mexico... peru... cambodia... where am i going again?" i find that's funny, but i think brendan finds it mildly pretentious because teasingly responded with a "oh privileged little white girl, where are you going next??"

i'm looking forward to having my backpack strapped on once again, to having a layer of salt-water film on my skin, to wearing flip-flops in february, and drinking pina coladas at 10 am. i think we're going to have a blast. that shanno is hilarious, and no doubt will push me to brave new things like salsa dancing. i've never salsa danced before :S i'm also eager to speak in spanish once again. my spanish is poor at best, but it's fun to learn and it's exciting when i can figure out how to piece together a 3-word sentence :D

one thing i've recently noticed about getting a little bit older each year is that my body pops and cracks a little more. when i'm walking or standing up or whatever, joints will pop a little bit, i can both feel it and hear it. i have a feeling it will the be the unusual things that surprise me the most about aging.

getting up at 6 am continues to be both a joy and a challenge. the odd thing about it is that after being awake for about 10 minutes i'm generally ok, but it's those first few minutes that are so hard. it's been a little over one week and i can definitely say it's a very positive experience. i was curious about the kinds of things other people give up for lent, the main ones i know are coffee, sweets, caffeine, etc. but i wonder what it was traditionally - a millennium or so ago. i tried looking it up online to no avail.

earlier today i returned to my desk to find that my right monitor had something smeared on it. i have no idea where it came from, because usually no one else comes in here. so did i splatter something on it and not notice?? well... when i tried to clean it up, it just got more spread out. i really should get a paper towel and clean it properly. i find smudgy monitors and glasses lenses unbearable.

i'm never as tired as when i'm waking up.

blasphemy

jill's in town and she came over for dinner!! she's so great, i'm so happy that we had the chance to get together and get caught up. i would love another opportunity to travel with her. personally, i think we'd make great amazing race partners. her dreads are looking fantastic. it made me miss mine, but i know i made the right choice at the time. BUT i'm totally going to get them again in a few years. it felt weird not having dreads with jill. but we do both have nose ring hoops now, so we're still the same :)

remember how i told you about yoga chair? at work on tuesdays we do mat yoga, but on thursday we do chair yoga. i found chair yoga very strange. no one i know of has ever heard of it, and it seemed like the instructor was constantly apologizing for it. so i decided to look it up on wikipedia. it turns out that chair yoga is done by senior citizens and those with disabilities!!! i find this really odd because although my work place has a large number of baby boomers, they're not seniors, and for the most part are relatively healthy people. so i've decided to rebel :p i'm going to bring my mat on thursday and do the asanas the regular way. maybe it'll cause a revolt.

the waves are just a frothier version of the skies.

rose

it was really hard getting up this morning. mostly because there wasn't particularly anything to do, i had no reason to get up other than getting up. i was going to have a nap around 10, but i've become more lucid, so i might stay up. i made some pancakes and read stuff on the internet. i got the questions done for living room for when i'm away, so that was productive. i might get in the shower soon.

today is family day. i have to admit, i've developed a gag reflex for the word 'family'. it bothers me a lot. i think it's partly this glorification of the traditional family – it rubs me the wrong way. it's very insular. i believe in community, which involves families, extended families, friends, acquaintances, etc. man, if today was called "community day" i'd be all over that. in truth, i have no issue with families, or people having kids, or spending time together. it's just that word, it's like a swear word. the WORST context i can think of is "family night" it makes me want to barf. the idea of spending time together is great, i dunno it just gets under my skin. when i reproduce, i'll use a different phrases (like movie night, or game night, or craft night, or baking night, or a pizza party, or dumpster diving night) just so i can avoid the word 'family'. that being said, i need to desensitize a little. i'd like to have less of a knee-jerk reaction to that word. it's kind of hard because i've felt oppressed by it for a long time, and when they named today "family day" i found it offensive. not everyone has a family their part of, it's extremely exclusive and it confirms social expectations. but, i heard someone say that its the government trying provide some emphasis on the need for healthy homes. and that's something i can get behind. so this isn't really a rant about the stat holiday, but rather about how gross i think the word family is. i dunno, probably most of you have families, and i hope you understand what i'm saying even if you don't agree. maybe you really like the term "family night" and fair enough, we all have different experiences with it. you know?

yesterday was valentine's day. this is the first time in.... 11 years that i've had a real partner to celebrate with. and before that i was a teenager so it was never a big thing. i'm not super romantic, but i thought it would be nice to mark the occasion somehow. sunday was really very full, so it passed with very little attention given to st valentine, but this evening we're going to make butter chicken, which should be great. i'm looking forward to it.

i'm praying,
that you'll find me,
and that you'll see me,
that you run and never tire.

brendan is taking me out on a surprise date in one hour. i have no idea what he has up his sleeve. i'll let you know later tonight....

cauldron

well here i sit, early on a saturday morning, writing to you folks. it was very anti-intuitive to wake up so early on the weekend, but now that i'm up i kind of like it. i think my morning is going to fill up before i know it.

this week was busier than i would've liked, and work on friday was downright stressful. i had to cancel some plans with shanno and cas because i was stretching myself too thin. instead i stayed in with my dad, then went to bed at 10:30. we watched the olympics opening ceremonies. it was interesting, but i only got it see half of it, so hopefully it will be on again today. as i watched some of the footage of the protesters i got thinking about the two points of view. i'm torn because i love the olympics, but realize that it is not without it's fair share of corruption and exploitation. i came to a conclusion, that instead of getting rid of it – destroying it completely, i hope we can make it better. cars pollute, so instead of discontinuing them the car makers are forced to be creative, and reduce/eliminate their pollution. i hope that thru the protesters making their voices heard and keeping the IOC honest, that they can make a difference. because i think we need to protect this activity. we need to keep (while improving) this one event that brings 76 nations under one roof where they celebrates together. i'm thankful for the protesters because their message is true, and real, and hopefully they can bring about change. and i see the beauty in the olympics too.

well... now that i've said that it's still only 6:52 am. haha. well, i'm going to write some emails, prepare the questions for living room, then go to the Y. it'll probably be pretty quiet in there. then i'll have the rest of the day to relax. ooh! i can see that it's starting to get light outside!

the time i recognize this moment,
this moment will be gone.

relive

well... let me tell you about how it went this morning. really well! it was great. i got so much done and i felt super, plus i got to work early (ok, maybe it was just on time, but that's an improvement!). it was pretty easy, but that's because it was my first day and i was really excited. in fact, i was awake in bed pretending not to watch the clock because i was giddy. it will definitely get harder, but this was a good start. it will help on the mornings when it's hard getting up that it's worthwhile. as i drove to work i reflected on the experience and definitely felt confirmed that i'd made the right choice. i've concluded that a sacrifice should be worth it, when you give something up it should be a positive experience with positive ramifications. so, i'm pretty pleased that day one of forty went well – so far so good.

i should run. i have a bored meeting in 4 minutes here at the pad. after that i'll have to get into bed, so cheerio for now!

in the morning
helps me find my way back in
from the place where i have been.

avoid

it's that time of year again. ash wednesday is approaching and i've been contemplating lent once again. i reflected on last year's experiences, considered what other people give up, and thought long and hard about the practice of lent. i came to some conclusions for myself. i wanted something that was a challenge – that would be a true sacrifice, but not something that i was giving up just because i liked it. i don't see the point of giving up drinking tea for example just because it's something i enjoy. i wanted more significance than that. i feel that in giving something up, it should have a positive impact on my life. i also didn't want to give up something that i wouldn't care about and i didn't even notice it's absence. so i decided to give up sleep. well, more specifically i decided to give up sleeping in. i'll get up at 6:00 every day, even on weekends. technically i'm supposed to be up at 6:30 anyways, but i never do it, i usually get up closer to 7. it will be enough of a challenge that it will be effective. now, the only hurdle is that i'm going on vacation to cuba with shannon in a week and a half. so i've decided to start lent a week early so that i can sleep in proper while on vacation. i'll do my full 40 days starting tomorrow. i'm kind of looking forward to it. it means living my life with more intention, and taking care of myself better. that being said, i'm going to start getting ready for bed very soon.

i really enjoyed lunchtime yoga today. except my skin was extremely dry and it seemed to crack apart in certain positions, which resulted in constant itching. it was terrible. i think i'm in need of some warm cuban air.

lately it feels like i'm asleep and i just can't wake.

spasm

yesterday i did something i've never done before. i watched the superbowl. it seemed that the off week for living room fell on the same day, which meant i had no prior obligations. BUT i decided to embrace it and take long my new knitting project. brendan and i were joined by jay, tori, and ben at b's parent's house to watch on their big wall projection tv. nancy went all out on food - just as i expected she would, and everything was tasty. the game was interesting, i was mostly fascinated by the number of football players with long hair and found the commericals intriguing too. although, jay and i agreed that we were going to fall prey to the continuous dorito placements. i'm ticked off about the focus on the family advert, but i won't even get into that because it would be an unpleasant rant. as i watched the game, i couldn't help but think of all guys i was friends with in youth group 15 years ago were all gathered around their tvs watching the superbowl too. what an odd thought, that a large number of my acquaintances were doing the exact same thing as me at the exact same time. interesting. i've decided that i'll watch the stanley cup this year too, i might as well do all the big sporting events in 2010. although, i tend to be more intrigued by sport culture than i am in sports.

i had a short night's sleep last night and i've felt exhausted all morning. i look like i've aged several years just from the lines under my eyes. i made the mistake of having a small glass of cola (which made me wired from the caffeine), then a glass of wine (which makes me drowsy). so i was in this bizarre state of sleepy and not sleepy, which resulted in me being extra tired this morning. i've managed ok, but things at work have been full lately. i've been more occupied in the last few work days than i have been in the last few years. i'm not "busy" just occupied. i like what i'm doing which is cool.

so much wasted in the afternoon.

i like how beets taste like the earth. and i don't mean dirt, but the earth it's self. so earthy. it's almost heavenly.

live

sometimes shannon and i go to the movie theatre and waste 2 hours of hour lives that we'd never get back. we probably would've been better off sitting in a laundry basket in the dark. i feel kind of dirty.

i've been thinking a lot about comparison lately. why do we compare ourselves with others?? things like: success, weight, income, size of house, romantic relationships, children, talents, social skills, number of friends on facebook, looks, ability to parallel park. i don't know why we want to be better than the people around us. why can't we look at the house beside ours and think "what a nice house for them, it suits them perfectly!!"? i don't know about you folks, but it's something i struggle with. maybe it's just an insecurity that i'll grow out of as i mature. maybe it's ignorance, maybe it's jealousy. i don't know, but it's something that frustrates me and causes me much unnecessary hardship. maybe i'm more competitive than i thought, or maybe i fall prey to social expectations more than i thought. i just don't understand it, and i hate that i was so gleeful tonight that i was a better parallel parker than the girl in front of me. which is pathetic. the reality is that it's not about the other people at all. maybe it all just boils down to feeling reassured that i'm ok, that i'm doing just fine. it's my hope that i'll get over it and in a few years become more gracious and at peace that i feel nothing but admiration for others.

i was really enjoying my hair today, i thought it looked fantastic. then i realized this past sunday was the anniversary of me getting dreads. it was on january 31 of last year. wow. hard to believe. i still feel excited about it even if i don't have them anymore. it was a great experience :)

you tell me that time never waits,
that's ok cause i don't wait for time.

read

so i says to b as we sat at the kitchen table reading local flyers "have i told you how i feel about yogurt?". "no, you have not" he replies. i then launch into a lengthy in depth story about the woes and joys of yogurt. he wanted to hate my story because it was long, involved and a little boring, but in the end couldn't resist finding it entertaining. i've recently discovered vanilla yogurt and it's fantastic. i would forsaken all other flavours of yogurt just for that. although, that's not saying much because traditionally i have not been a fan of the yogurt. to my disappointment, the yogurt pack that i bought had 4 vanillas and 4 raspberries, so i'm stuck eating the crappy raspberry ones. i can't decide if i should rotate between the two flavours or simply devour the ones i like and make myself suffer thru the berries later this week. mark my words... i won't be making THAT mistake again. it's vanilla or nothing from now on.

last evening i dedicated myself to the tidying and care of my little second floor home, and oh man, does it look good. what a radical difference it makes to my psyche when it's clean. and this morning i did all my dishes before leaving for work. the only thing i have left to do is fold my laundry and put it away. i can't wait!!

my performance evaluation went well. i basically got a B+ (which according to my sister the teacher a B average is actually the target. she says that A's are supposed to be for exceeding expectations, but have been used incorrectly over the years). i got: 2 "results achieved", 2 "superior results", 2 "satisfactory", 2 "role models" and 1 "owl". ok, i didn't get any owls :S i'm kind of surprised with my results because 2009 was, from my point of view, my most negative year of employment here on the farm. but i'm glad to see that i skill excelled in spite of feeling disgruntled. having a new boss has been great, and right away i felt that 2010 was going to be hugely different.

oh how she rocks,
in keds and tube socks.

smock

well... i managed to give myself nightmares last night because of my book. i woke at 4:30 disturbed from a frightening dream and couldn't fall back asleep. partly because i was going to default back into my dream, but also because i was listening to every house-sound to make sure no one was breaking in. i'm highly sensitive to such things, i'm careful about the kind of movies and book i ingest because of it.

buzz

this is doppelganger week on facebook. everyone told they look like a famous person is using the celebrity's face on their profile picture. i kind of wish i had one, but i haven't come across anyone that bears my resemblance. my brother in law is using the heinz ketchup kid – which is perfect. that made me laugh.

i've been dreading this day for about 3 weeks now. thankfully it went way better than i thought it would. hopefully tomorrow will go as smoothly, then i'm home-free.

time to hit the hay. i just read a disturbing part of my book, so i hope i'll be able to rid it from my psyche and fall asleep peacefully.

you’ll be the minivan,
i’ll be the jeans you think make you look young.

STET

when i was in grade 9 i made friends with a girl named christine in phys' ed class. she was friendly and a bit of a loner like me. soon, another girl started hanging out with us, her name was lindsay. i soon got it in my head that they didn't like me, i felt awkward and began to disconnect myself, and avoided them. for the next 8 months i saw little of them, until lindsay invited me to join them and their larger group of friends at lunch time. i suddenly felt connected again, and spent the rest of high school with those friends. looking back i can see that my paranoia was unfounded, that i distanced myself from them for no reason. i still do that. i still get those knee-jerk reactions where i read into things and misinterpret stuff. sometimes i need a smile, a hug, a laugh, or for someone to ask me a question, for me to remember that everything is ok and for me to know where i stand for with him or her. i'm feeling awkward today, and i'm slipping into the realm of self-doubt and fear. i'm beginning to wonder if i've done something wrong and my friend is upset or bothered with me. this can cause me to want to overcompensate in order to make things better. but i need to remember that 1) it could be completely in my head, and 2) she has things going on in her own life and any disinterest in me/our friendship may actually be completely unrelated to me. this is where i can be self-centred - assuming that anything distressing or difficult in other people's lives is actually about me, when the world is much larger than that. i guess i'm afraid. afraid of doing something unintentionally that puts a friendship at jeopardy and not making amends. and i'm afraid of being in space where i'm not wanted and being too dense to take a hint. i'm sure everything's ok. i need to just chill.

b tells me that i take things too seriously, i think he's right. he easily identifies it because he has that tendency as well. it's our biggest hurdle.

i finished the camera case i was knitting. it looks AWESOME. i feel renewed excitement about knitting. i'm looking forward to finding a new knitting recipe (aka pattern) and diving right in. how exciting :)

i'm having my 2009 performance evaluation at 2:00 today. it feels like i'm getting my report card. it's like i'm perpetually 7 years old. i'm still getting the hang of sharing.

you'll be the leftist student punk,
i'll be the accountant you'll become.

cinnamon hearts

last night bren, brendan, andrew, shannon, and i drove to peterborough to have a hatch folding party. it went well. it was cold but we were bundled tight in bren's crv. the folding, stapling, and cutting didn't take as long as usual, in total the whole experience (plus drive) took 7 hours. it was a big commitment, but it was good getting that issue wrapped up. it only took a year :p so all of you who thought hatch was dead in the water, you'll have a copy in your grubby little mitts in no time.

shanno and i went to reelout this evening – we saw a teen-angst film called "dare". man, it stressed me out, i literary had knots in my stomach :S it was good though, i liked it. i'm sure if i were to see it again i wouldn't be so anxious, it's hard watching teens feel confused.

brendan broke into my house while i was out and did all my dishes for me. when i say "break in" mean he used my spare key, but still. he was sneaky and it was a great surprise. the funny thing was that while i was with shannon i asked her where b was and she said she didn't know. we concluded that was strange because he's a real homebody and is usually there or at my place. it turns out he was here cleaning my kitchen.

i discovered this evening that i DO know how to crochet after all. HM! fancy that.

i'm gonna go get into bed and read my book. i'm pretty hooked on it. i love great literature.

thank God that i’ve got the things that i’ve got,
but a lot of things i’ve got are things i never knew i needed.

reset

one of my favourite movie quotes of all time is from jurassic park. i'm not a huge fan of the jurassic park trilogy, in fact, i only saw the first one, but this quote comes to mind quite often. "your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should." personally, i find it to be one of the most profound statements of all time. it doesn't just apply to dinosaur making scientists either. how often do people do something simply because they CAN, without giving much thought to IF they should. i subscribe to the philosophy of "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial". just because you can doesn't mean you SHOULD. just because you CAN doesn't mean you should. just because you can doesn't mean you should.

tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.

query

"though our trails are marked by sorrow"
this is a great line. it's true for me, and is possibly true for you too. in october, i embarked on a new adventure. i didn't know where it would go, or how it would end up. i've noticed many of those around me are holding their breath, when they think of me they wonder "will it last?" or "will she be heartbroken yet again?". to that i say "yes, it will" and "no, she wouldn't". exhale my friends and blog-readers. everything is great, b is here to stay. i feel things deeply; i love deeply, i cry deeply. these things don't change. i'm exactly the same person as i was in october, or last may, or last christmas, or the summer before that. having a life-partner doesn't change who i am, it doesn't cure me from pms, and it doesn't make me less demented (prone to frustration, hurt, judgment, jealousy). it's kind of nice that having a boyfriend doesn't "fix" everything, it just means i have a partner to endure those things with. (and sometimes it means i have someone close enough to me who can get a way with calling me on my bad behaviour.) let's breathe freely. we will soon dance and celebrate together, until then don't worry. there's no need to keep your fingers crossed, because all is well. brendan is here to stay.

my legs and ankle area is cold again today. for the 6th day straight. i need to bring my peruvian legwarmers to work to keep my calves warm.

where we come from we don't know.

dawn

upon this desk lay two batteries. i haven't moved them. i haven't touched them. i want them to remain right here where you left them. they're evidence that you were once in this place. that you filled this room with the sound of your voice. in your mind's eye you can see me in this chair. see me smile and wave at you from here. there are no walls between us.

this is a new day. each day is yet another fresh beginning. i start today with my mouth in check. it will bend to my will, and from it will come my heart.

when i open my mouth they will see my heart....
when i open my mouth they will see my heart....
when i open my mouth they will see my heart....

we still smile and say hello.

intertwined

so i'm back.

brendan and i drove up to toronto to see the last rock plaza central concert. the show was great, although it was really long – but i liked that. they did whatever they wanted, played whatever they wanted, it was cool. it was after all their last planned show. the atmosphere was very relaxed and joyous. we got free t-shirts because we were among the first 100 people. we met up with bren & mike, and cas & matt. then crashed at cas's place.

on the way to TO we stopped at my office to pick up my RPC cd. it was really fun to show b my office, it was like showing him my second bedroom or something, because it's decorated and personalized, and where i spend all my time. he really liked it and was quite impressed. i think it made it really sink in that i have a career job in a professional office. he took all sorts of pictures with his camera, and i took one of him sitting at my desk pretending to work.

the drive was great, b made a mixed cd for the occasion which was a fun surprise. we went to ikea and did some shopping. he hadn't been there since he was a kid, so it was cool to show him the ropes, because as far as home decorating stores go, ikea is pretty neat. i told him when we arrived that i didn't want to spend more than 20 bux, because it's really easy to get carried away there. i did pretty good and only spent 21 :) he bought a super comfy duvet. after that we got lost :S i was incredibly annoyed at myself, because i know my way around TO better than that, BUT i always get lost at least once on a road trip. when we finally got back on track the guitar shop that b wanted to go to was closed. we'd JUST missed it, so we gazed thru the window at all the vintage guitars on display. it looked super cool. we walked queen street and found 4 record stores, and brendan bought an al green record at a place called rotate this – it was a really cool store. as we walked the street we went into tibetian stores and art galleries. we agreed that it's a good thing we don't live there because we'd be poor because the stores are so awesome. this kind of surprised me because i didn't find many cool stores back when i lived there in 2000-02. things have changed a lot. it was neat showing brendan places i used to go and telling him things i used to do.

after that we met up with cas and matt for dinner. we went for vietnamese. it was great to see them again, it was like no time had passed at all. cas's apartment is totally awesome. she lives in an old house converted into apartments, the renovations are fantastic.

we got up early this morning (even though we didn't get back to her place until 3:15am) and hit the road. we made it back to town in time to go to rustle. i was going to help out at special meals, but i was pretty pooped so shannon said they'd manage without me. so i enjoyed a nice long nap this afternoon. i missed being at next this morning, and i missed being at special meals too. but i got to connect with everyone this evening at living room as usual.

i can't believe the weekend has come and gone already. i hope it's a good week :)

you and me sunday driving,
not arriving,
on our way back home.

hazard

there is a slight smell of perm chemicals coming up from the apartment below me. it's a throw back to the 80s for me. all those afternoons with piggy-back curlers in my mullety hair. scent is the biggest memory trigger.

in 8 minutes b and i are supposed to be hitting the road for TO. this is our first roadtrip together. we're meeting up with some fine friends to see the last rock plaza central concert. it should be an extremely great time. anyways, i say "supposed to be" hitting the road because i'm still in my pajamas, need to shower, pack my overnight bag, and my lunchbox full of road munchies. i should probably go.

sometimes i'm too hard on myself and i need to be snapped back to reality. i give my had a little shake to regain my bearings and then feel much better.

the difference is palpable.

i said a prayer and fell asleep.

forest

sometimes when my face is wet i just need someone to spoon me or rub my back. he's good at that. it happens about once a month. eventually he'll be able to console me without finding it alarming. in the newness of the morning everything looked brighter. i decided to do something very optimistic and email my contact person to get my ducks in a row. my ducks aren't marching any place at the moment, but i figured it would give me some peace of mind knowing that they'd fall in line smoothly when the time comes. i'm a proactive person. i find it comforting to take action.

i discovered yesterday that i hate feeling limited. when i hit the glass ceiling i don't handle it well and i bang my fists upon it's surface. in a way that glass ceiling is like a magnifying glass and when the light hits it just so it makes me melt. melt down.

i hear your laugh,
i heard you sing,
i wouldn't change a single thing.

allergic

they've started offering yoga at lunch time, today was the first day. i'm pretty happy about this because i haven't been going to yoga at the Y ever since yogi master dennis resigned. i didn't like his replacement. lunch time yoga is only for a half hour, so it's not quite as in-depth as dennis's class, but that's ok – i always found his 75 minute classes a little too long. there was a good turn out, and i was surprised by how few people had actually done yoga before. in addition to that, i was surprised that not only had they never taken a yoga class before, didn't they appear to really have any idea what it involved. i tried to be helpful before the class began by telling the people around me that they were sitting too close together and would need to be an arms length away from their neighbours. we're all supposed to provide our own yoga mats, i laid mine out on the carpet and went to sign in. while i was in line i noticed that a woman was standing on and around my mat, i watched her wondering what exactly was about to happen. i didn't want to jump to conclusions, but it appeared as though she was commandeering my mat! eventually when she got down on the ground and started doing stretches on it i realized that she had in fact claimed it as her own, even though i have my name clearly written on it. so i had to approach her and said "um, this is my mat", she kind of joked it off, but it was still a little awkward. the class itself was very basic, but still quite good. i definitely felt relaxed, destressed, and more bendy. i have to admit, i felt like quite the pro compared to my colleagues, clearly i learned a thing or two during my year of yoga at the Y, which was neat. it was fun, i'm looking forward to the next class – it's on tuesdays and thursdays.

you know you can.

magnet

shannon and i were at novel idea today so i could pick up a copy of lonely planet cuba and she could get a membership to reel out film festival. while i was there i discovered that my purse was unusually empty for lack of my large 800 page book. i knew almost instantly that i had left it at the Y, which was extra infuriating because it's not the first time i've left a book there never to be recovered. what kind of idiot leaves the gym without double-checking that she has everything in her locker. i was so upset because i've been really enjoying that book (the girl with the dragon tattoo), and it was a gift from beckie, so i said to shanno "i feel like driving to the Y to look for it". she said "let's do it then". we arrived and i rushed in. i didn't see it on the bench where i sat, so i randomly opened a locker unsure if it'd been mine or not, and there was my book on the top shelf. i was so happy. there's nothing more frustrating than having empty hands when the thing you're looking for SHOULD be within arms reach but is not. i never did find my diva cup, i'm glad i bought that new one.

i'm kind of disappointed to discover that the girl with the dragon tattoo is being made into a film. that's super disappointing. it's very compelling and i think a movie would stink compared to the book. that being said, i'll probably go see it, but i'll tell everyone to read it first. i'm only a quarter of the way thru and i give it a lot of stars.

man, i need to get into bed. i need to get up early so i can stop at the gas station on my way to work or else i'm going to run out of petrol between here and millhaven.

there are two things i will carry in my pockets at the end,
oh, my darling, you are one of them.

miss magoog

he said "there she is."

splatter

i took brendan to the bingo hall tonight. it was supposed to be a surprise but he happened to come into my bedroom when i was looking at their website, which ruined the suspense. he agreed to go, but i could tell he wasn't super jazzed. however, he did say that he likes that i come up with unique dates, so that showed he was open to the idea. i was very excited, i've been wanting to go to a bingo hall on a date since last summer when i played bingo for the first time. i thought it would be perfect for a first date because it's an activity and yet you have lots of time to chat between games. b and i have been dating for long enough that we no longer require an ice breaker like bingo but i still thought it would be fun. he found it trippy at first, and kept saying "i can't believe i'm here". we got our papers and our dabblers and were all set. we made a few rookie mistakes at first, and were a little slow – which meant we missed a few – but eventually we really got into the swing of things, and it was very fun. it's an interesting atmosphere. first of all, it's full of old women. second, there are some serious bingo players there with dabber purses. but the most interesting thing is that in that large room it's really quiet and relaxing. we felt pretty peaceful. the most awesome part was that b won 50 bux. when he first got a line he said bingo at regular volume. the ladies around us said "say it louder or they'll keep going", so he tried again but still wasn't loud enough. he looked at me and said "what do i do?" and i said "say bingo". the ladies continued to gang up on him, but he charmingly told them "i'm a first timer, everyone be patient", after that they were very supportive. thankfully one of the runners arrived and called out his card number, which proved he'd won and she then doled out 50 dollars in cash. it was so funny, i giggled for a long while after. all i could think was "i took brendan to a bingo hall and he won 50 bux". too hilarious.

the time when kindness falls like rain,
it washes me away.

winter

i believe in questioning the norm.

i don't want to do anything simply because "that's what's done". there's nothing wrong with the norm, and after giving situations great thought i may very well choose the normal approach. but i think it's an important process for me to go through. to give something serious thought and consideration, and then decide if that's the best choice. i feel that by doing so it gives more significance to what i'm doing, and i live with greater conviction because i know these are my choices. i wonder how many people baptize their babies just because that's what they're "supposed to do" and not because they really believe in it or gave it a lot of thought.

on the occassions when i decide to take a different path then the norm, again i feel good about it because i know it's the best choice for me. i worry sometimes that people will get the impression that i judge them or look down on them if they choose different to me, because that is not the case. since i make decisions based on what works for my situation, finances or energy level, i trust that my friends are making the decisions that are best for them. one friend might buy a house while another might choose to live at home with her parents. one might be married to her academic persuits while another might marry her highschool sweetheart. i like that we all have the freedom to choose what's best for our circumstances. just because i have strong opinions about my own lifestyle doesn't mean i disagree with the one you pick for yourself. i trust you, and i know that we're different. there might be times when i'll ask my friends about the choices they make/made. again, it's not about me questioning their judgement, but rather curiousity about how they reached that decision. it's really interesting!

we're always changing.

math

i find that life is a bit of a teeter-totter. i'm trying to find the balance of "just right". i've been noticing lately that i have difficulty determining between can and should. it's dawned on me that just because something is built for a greater capacity doesn't necessarily mean it should operate on that level. for just one arbitrary example, let's consider cars. just because my car is built to run at a maximum speed of 220 km/h doesn't mean i should ever drive it at that speed. the reason why i've been thinking about this is because i think i've been pushing my body beyond its proper operating level simply because i didn't realize its maximum capacity is not the target. it occurred to me that i eat most meals until i get that full sensation. i'm trying to back peddle a little now, recognizing that my body is trying to tell me something. just because i can, doesn't mean i should. or at the Y for example, just because i can run faster, doesn't mean i should. i'm not actually participating in a race. i'm there to get a healthy level of exercise, and it turns out that my target heart-rate should be 124. when i first discovered that i was annoyed and thought "i can go faster than that!", but after not receiving any results i did some research and it turns out that i burn less calories the faster i go. so just because i CAN run faster, doesn't mean i should. i like finding that happy medium. that middle ground of moderation. i'm making progress, figuring it out. although, i find it strange that at 30 i'm still just getting used to my body and understanding how to sustain it. i have as of yet to get the hang of other elements of life too - most elements actually.

it's interesting seeing the way b and my interactions change, almost on a weekly basis. slowly i'm relinquishing parts of my life that i was afraid to let go of - mostly my independence. we are gradually thinking more in plural. integrating two lives is a long process, and i've been pleasantly surprised to find that my surroundings are being filled with newness. i don't think it ever occurred to me that i would gain something new as i let go of the familiar. i don't think it's as scary as i thought it would be, it's nice actually. and i find it funny when he sasses me - i like it, it shows he gets my sense of humour. he's my guy. my best friend.

we've been 10 minutes apart our whole lives.

sometimes a girl and her pal shanno leave for cuba in 5 weeks!!! and when that happens it's frickin' awesome! sometimes anticipation makes everything so much awesomer.

we are fever,
we ain't born typical.

verdict

i walked home from bren's late last night. it was cold and i tried to walk briskly. as i moved along the sidewalk i thought about how handy it is that i have a pal that lives down the street from me. not since i was 7 years old have i had a friend who lived so close by. although, there was that time when beckie lived down the street from me, so i suppose my previous statement is incorrect. anyways, i like having friends close by, and i'm grateful that so many of my friends live within walking distance to my house. some live farther than others, and in the summer time it's quite a nice walk, while in the winter i'd be less inclined to hike down the bagot under the cover of night.

it feels sadly ironic that those who once befriended the homeless are now kind of homeless themselves. where will they lay their heads?? i dunno.

we all love...
like battalions.
we all love...
with abandon.
we all love...

like it's breathing.
we all love...
after our hearts stop beating.

pavement

i have this disability. it seems i'm 'disable' to get to work on time. i've struggled with this for over half a dozen years. last night i was in bed early and i slept super well, got up on time, and yet i still managed to get to work 7 minutes late :S i'm not time conscious, but i do feel much better when i'm punctual. it helps me start the day off on the right foot. i decided to buy a new battery for the clock in my bathroom. it died over a year go, and i figured replacing it would make for mighty good results.

i've come to the realization, that contrary to what one would expect of me (as a person of faith), i'm actually quite a superstitious person. it was my good friend beckie who first pointed it out to me. even after realizing this, and knowing that it's really so contrary to what i believe, it's still a really hard habit to break. how it works in my head is if i say "i've never broken a bone before" i completely expect to break a bone in the near future – so i avoid making such statements. that's example isn't really a big deal, where it begins to be a problem is when i have confidence that the future is going to work out well. i immediately think the things i want to come to fruition, won't. and that's scary. but i have got to quick thinking that way, because it's paralyzing and unfounded. perhaps all the things in my past that i hoped would work out but didn't, were purely coincidental. i'm not actually being spited! which is a relief! so i should live celebrating that fact, and live hoping for the best, while recognizing that somethings don't work out as planned so i should be open to plan b, plan c, or plan z.

time is not a thing that's ours to lose.

satire

i've had a really nice weekend. and on top of that it's been relaxing.

i like how life is a living organism of its own. it's always moving and changing. it doesn't remain static, even if we wanted it to. sometimes that's hard, because we find ourselves in moments that we'd like to freeze. kind of hit the pause button right then, and remain right there. watching life as we know it slip thru our fingers can be difficult. but in other times it's lovely the way it moves like water, staying the same yet changing form. every day is new. every year different. i think it's this transient nature of life that can make it hard to live in the present. we're often looking forward, or looking backward, sometimes looking sideways. i'm not certain what the key is to being fully present. especially when being fully aware of where you came from and where you're going is so critical to knowing who you are. i don't know where each of you are at, but may you fully appreciate this stage and phase of your life. may you recognize the best parts of your days (and nights), and know this time is special because it's fleeting.

we're back in sync.

i am the heart that you call home.

gluten

i was thinking on my way into work today,
that without intending to i've adopted a life motto:

make good decisions

at first glance one might think "hm, ok". it seems reasonable, but i really feel that that statement, that act of making good decisions is the key. we've talked before at living room about how much of our own personal griefs has been the result of the decisions or actions that we ourselves made. we often find ourselves in tough situations as a result of our own poor judgement, or sometimes it's the result of some one else's poor choices. maybe you disagree, but in my own life that has been true. i think it's important to emphasize that "make good decisions" is not about picking the path of least resistance, or about being lazy. sometimes making good decisions means choosing a hard or challenging path - it's not about "easy". i think it's the kind of thing that has long term value as opposed to a quick fix. good decisions also really impact the lives of others around us. perhaps in our decision making we need to be mindful of why we make the choices we make. i don't think that it necessarily means we won't do certain things, but i think we should really ask what the benefit is, and to who, before proceeding. some decisions don't have bad end results but may not particularly have beneficial impacts either. i think there's a lot more to our choices than the things we do and say at the present time, and the reality of those choices are sometimes far reaching. things like: who to marry, how many kids to have, where to work, where to live, how to spend our money, how to spend our time. these are important decisions! and i think there's a lot more to it than what kind of lifestyle we want.

i haven't always made good decisions in the past. i've chosen "difficult" as opposed to "valuable" or "life-giving". but i think in recent years i've made positive decisions - often with the input of others.

when i chose to stay at my job i really had to consider it from every angle. i was surprised by what i discovered:
1. my job gives me freedom - evenings and weekends to spend time with people and in activities that matter to me.
2. it allows me peace of mind and freedom of headspace. if i was working as a freelance graphic designer much of my headspace would be taken up with where i could get my next project from, will i have enough income to make ends-meet. it would also distract me from my activities knowing that "i really should get home and keep working on such-and-such".
3. it provides me with money to cover my own expenses, give to organizations and people i want to support, and to travel once or twice a year. the reality is, if i had more money i'd just give more away, i'm thankful because i have all my bases covered (i wouldn't want a more extravagant lifestyle). being able to give money to others is important to me, it means giving freedom to others, and that's something i feel is worth investing in. (i don't think money is bad, it's really a question of how we make it and how we spend it.)

so in the end, i decided to stay put. it felt good making that decision, that alone was freeing - to know that i'm here by choice, and that it's a good choice.

i feel that making good decisions makes for an uncomplicated life. it doesn't always mean that it's easy, but it can be clear and uncluttered. life is challenging enough on it's own, it's best to not add to the chaos.

we are full of light that blinds us at the moment of our most needing.

conquer

this is the time of year when everything thing is itchy. every inch of me is aching with dry skin and it's to the point that i haven't even been bothering to fight it, because it's futile. even after moisturizing my legs they're still itchy itchy itchy. oh how i miss the hot humid days of summer. although, i have to admit, winter is rarely as bad as i expect it to be. true, we're only at the beginning on january but the temperature hasn't really dipped beneath -20 (without the windchill factor, and some find the windchill factor inaccurate). at first it's terrible, but once i adjust, it's generally not so bad. at lunch time i strap on my snow pants and wear many layers to shield myself from the elements, which means i'm fully covered for my usual jaunt around our defunct train factory. it makes for a more bulky walk, but it's a walk nonetheless. don't get me wrong, i would much prefer walking in flip-flops and a summer dress, when the sun beats down from the sky and a warm breeze blows my hair about. BUT i'm adaptable.

yesterday when i drove home from work i passed 2 beautiful deer on the side of the road, they were just hanging out. i think they'd just ran across the street. i'm glad they didn't dash out in front of me, because up until then i wasn't really paying attention to what i was doing (ie driving). it's weird that the word deer is both purl and singular.

i'm really enjoying my job - for probably the first time. there have been times when i've liked my job, and times i've hated my job. the interesting thing about that is there's one consistent element that affects my love or hate. basically the times i've loved my job is when i've been able to work independently, the times i've disliked my job is when my independence has been taken away from me. don't get me wrong, i'm good at working in a team, but i prefer being alone. now that i have a new boss, and specially a new transatlantic boss, i have the freedom to work independently all the time. it's fantastic. yes, i'm certain that i'm an introvert. there's all sorts of different introverts, some are more insular than others. i'm an extroverted introvert, or an outgoing introvert. i like people very much, but also really like being alone. that's probably why i like writing. sometimes it's hard to determine an introvert from an extrovert, because extroverts come in different shapes and sizes as well. i've known some extroverts to be socially awkward, or shy, or to play second fiddle. i'm probably more friendly than a lot of extroverts, but that's a learned skill. anyways, this new work situation is suiting me perfectly.

i'm a fortunate girl in every way.

beginners luck

it seems i have a burnt tongue right now. i don't even know when i last burnt it, but it's kind of peeling similar to a sun burn. sorry, is that gross? anyways. it's an odd sensation because there isn't really any feeling in that part of tongue.

there's a man at my work - he's really super nice (early 50s, adoring father of 3 college aged girls, has a loving wife, very friendly and helpful) - who's just been given a year to live. that's always terrible news, but somehow extra hard when it's someone everyone likes and admires. i don't know him well, but even i can't imagine what it will be like without him, i can't possibly imagine how his family and friends feel. he was away for most of december (as they were trying to determine the problem), but now he's back in the office. i was very surprised to hear that, especially given the fact that he's on the clock. but he said "i have 3 girls in university", so he's going to keep working until he's too sick. i can't imagine that, but i suppose when you have kids or people depending on you, you make decisions that are in their best interest. it would be interesting - having that foreknowledge that this is your last winter, or last christmas, or last whatever. he's the kind of guy who would go out with style, i wish him the best.

i don't want to fight anymore,
i just want to lay my hand on the side of your neck
as the words come rushing out in the night.

proper noun

today...
at the Y...
i did THE best parallel parking job EVER.
it was textbook.

followed by a really great work-out. man, as i keep up this momentum i'll be in a more comfortable body in no time. i went prepared to have a Y shower after. which is great. i love Y showers. not only do i get to stand up (my home shower is a sit-down shower), but i'm also not in a rush. while i was there and already naked i decide to hop into the sauna for a little bit. that was great. as i lied there i felt myself unwinding and felt really restful, as well as cozily warm. the only downside is that i didn't get home until 7:15.

going back to work this morning was ok. it was tough tearing myself out of my comfy bed, but once i was up it was totally fine. sometimes i don't mind my cubicle. there's something nice about being in a place where everything i need is within arms reach. i'm far more organized there than i am at home, and i think that's because i have so much less stuff and space to work with.

sometimes i'm simply unreasonable.

i have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.

honk

two years ago i declared the year "my year of doing things i've never done before" – it was great. last year, in order to continue the concept i declared it "my year of doing things i didn't do last year", this year will be "another year of doing things i've never done before". this evening as i sat in my kitchen eating sunflower seeds and staring blankly at the walls it occurred to me that the number of things "never done before" by one individual is infinite. i liked that. it means i'll never run out of things to do to challenge myself.

in keeping with that theme, i did two things i've never done before today. this morning i mc'ed the church service at next with all the privileges and obligations that go along with that. then this afternoon, b and i went to see avatar 3D. neither of us have ever been to a 3D movie before. it was trippy. i can't help but wonder if eventually all movies will be in 3D. i'm not sure how i feel about that. there's nothing wrong with traditional movies, they entertain just fine. the occasional 3D flick will be cool, but i hope they don't dominate the market in my lifetime. there were a few times when b and i both thought we were going to get hit in the face with things flying out of the screen. it definitely lends itself to making you feel like you're right there in the film. which is suppose is the point.

i wore a skirt that august day. i hiked it up above my knee as we walked along the sidewalk.

both a beginning and an end.

went

this afternoon i attended my very first kids hockey game. kieran was playing and invited me along to watch. he did fantastically. he scored 6 of his teams 8 goals, the other team got 2. it was very fun. i feel like i'm learning about hockey culture. between the melles and the lorimers i'm being schooled. in fact, i watched an entire hockey game for the first time ever on boxing day. unfortunately, it was that awful canada-latvia game where CAN smoked LAT 16 to nothing. yikes!

i was telling various folks today that i feel ready to return to work on monday. i think that shows that i've had a very restful holiday. that combined with the fact that i have a new boss, i feel good about that change.

i usually like to set very attainable new year's resolutions. things that are easy to achieve but something i have to be intentional about in order to make the change. a number of years ago my plan was to stop wasting food - mission accomplished. 2 years ago, it was stop using plastic bags - done and done. last year was correct my posture. i haven't succeeded as well as i would've liked. i think i made some progress but haven't completely changed my slouching. i'll keep working on that. anyways, 2010 will be my year of saying no. i need to learn to say no to excessive activities/obligations. it's hard, and i'm not good at that. partly because i always feel like i need a GOOD reason to say no, and partly because i want to say yes. but i've been struggling to stay on top of my life and it's taken it's toll. i think that's why my vacation this week was so awesome, because i planned not to plan anything. i took one day at a time, really enjoyed myself, and yet still did a lot of fun/cool things. yes, i will strive to live more like i do in vacation mode - if that's possible.

so this is the new year,
and i don't feel any different.

regal

today's been a funny day. i've liked it, although i find it amusing.

b and i went for a long walk at little cataraqui conservation area. i didn't realize there was a charge to enter that park. that was kind of sucky, but we wandered around there for quite a long time, so we got our money's worth. it was nice, the weather was good, and brendan even fed chickadees from his hand! b got a camera for christmas and takes it every where he goes – apparently he's documenting his entire life. he got a picture of the little chickadee eating from his palm. afterwards we went to coffee way, where we sat and reveled in the fact that coffee way doesn't need to be anything other than what it is to be great.

this evening we went bowling with my mom and her friend garry. it was really funny. first of all, it was cosmos bowling so there was a black light and a disco ball. i've never been much of a bowler, but i actually did really well in both games. i lead the score by far in both, but in the end was surpassed by everyone. b and i were neck and neck for a while, and i kept hoping i'd kick his butt, but in the end he finished with 2 strikes – which left him with 119, and i had 97 :S i like how he brings the competitive side in me. it was a fun activity to do with my mom and garry, not something i ever expected to do with her, but it was her idea. she surprised me by being pretty good at it. hilarious. a night to remember fore sure.

i feel good about 2010. i think it'll be a fun year. i'm going to cuba with shannon in february. and brendan and i are going to cambodia in the summer. what happened to my plans to quit my job, you ask? well, after much thought and prayer, i've decided to stay put until a natural time of transition comes along (which could come sooner than expected – who knows! my job security is regularly in question because of the state of the world, etc). also, i spent a lot of time considering my priorities (where i want to place my energies, where/how i can be most effective, how can i help change the world, etc) and concluded that for the time being... staying in kingston – among my friends, with my family, part of the next community – is the best place for me to be. how can i be the kind of friend i want to be, to the people who matter most to me, when i'm on the other side of the world?? i know it would be possible to keep up friendships from across the world, but it's not necessary right now. in case you're wondering... i'm not staying for brendan. that being said, his role in my life has fulfilled many of the reasons i wanted to go in the first place – so i guess i could say that i'm in part choosing not to leave because of brendan. ask me more about it later if you want, there's too much to say to explain in one blog entry. anyways, all that being said, i think 2010 will be a gooder. 2009 was full of adventure, and no doubt this year will be too :)

make me strong and further bold.