beeswax

we had a firedrill today at work, and as we stood around at our muster stations i noticed this one lady looking at my unshaved legs. it was awkward, because i haven't gone bare legged at work very much because it feels weird. as i thought about that, i considered the paradox that it's ok for women to wear short mini skirts but not ok for women to not shave their legs. strange double standard. anyways, after that moment of my colleague assessing my legs, i decided that i should take a position of pride in my legs. if i'm proud to show them off then i won't care what people think. it's still extremely awkward for me - obviously or i wouldn't blog about it so much - but i stand by this conviction.

while clearing out the top drawer in my dresser the other day (a practise i have had to do repeatedly throughout my whole life), i came across a necklace that my father-in-law had given me a number of years ago. i'd forgotten about it. it was the companion piece to brendan's pocket watch, with the celtic hands+heart symbol (which i'm sure has a name, but i don't know it). i really like it. it's quite long and it reminds me of joan harris from mad men, because she always wears these long long necklaces. not that i'm like joan. she's a sexy lady and any comparsion with her ends with my long necklace. the fact that it's long is quite a departure for me, since most of my life i've preferred chokers. i'm enjoying this new accessory.

the exile stays nice and cool in the hot weather. while i haven't been finding that i miss my old balcony, but i do find that i wish i had a shady area outside. our front porch is in full sun, and it's simply too hot to sit out there at the height of the day. it's ok though. sitting in the cool den, with the curtains blowing from the breeze, more than makes up for it.

 

if God's on your side, then who's on mine?

saccharin

the flame burned my fingers.

today's patients were a lot more work than usual. no one was feeling very chatty, so it was like pulling teeth to get them to chat. tis ok, i'm sure next week will be smoother. sometimes it seems like i have more in common with old folks than my own peers. we have the same hobbies (knitting, reading, traveling), care about connecting with people in small but meaningful ways, and we have pets to keep us company. i wonder if i'll still enjoy old people when i'm old.

i'm on a raspberry kick right now. i could just eat a bunch and not grow tired of them. i'm so happy that it's berry season.

sometimes i talk in my sleep. it's one of those things that you don't realize that you're doing it until you realize that you're doing it. apparently i was talking a lot last night until brendan interrupted me, so i snapped back at him "i'm talking to my dream", then rolled over. the thing i find amusing about sleep-lesley is that she does unpredictable things and she's quite funny.

i'm here, but i'm not all there.

rooster

the declutter project continues at the exile. i'm very pleased. fewer things makes life much simpler. i organized the china cabinet and actually put things like wine glasses in it instead of using it as a dumping ground. and i moved my computer chair to the basement because since living here i never use it. i always just sit down on the arm of the loveseat. things are going well and i think having fewer things makes it easier to keep tidy.

tonight we watched a documentary called no impact man. it was about a family who were committed to going completely off the grid and living in a way that makes no negative impact on the environment for one year. it was pretty cool, and i liked how balanced it was because his wife was super reluctant, but on board. she helped provide another voice in the discussion. i found it to be a very inspirational film. i think there are really simple things we can do but just don't. i really liked that for the six months that they were sans electricity they used beeswax candles for light. it made me want to do things like use candles in the evening. so right now i'm in the den that is lit by a candle and my computer. no need for electric light :)

i've been thinking a lot today, reflecting on the fact that things like living sustainably is a process. am i'm so glad and thankful that we don't have to suddenly wake up one day and be off the grid, but can make new decisions every day. i like that once we adjust to one step then we're ready to make another step. right now brendan and i are still struggling to not be wasteful, but i'm hoping that once we get the hang of that we can move on to low impact sources.

fireflies are so awesome, and i just don't think we see enough of them. they're too cool for school.

your love always seems to find me.

off centre

ok! so.... i did some research on miracle gro, and now have an answer for my dad the next time he asks "i don't think we're going to use miracle gro on our garden. i did some research into it and it's a chemical fertilizer, and we're not comfortable putting that on our plants because it's going to turn into our food". the stuff is fluorescent blue for pete's sake! blue is not an edible colour.

we're babysitting joy and tim's kids this evening. it should be fun, i'm looking forward to it. we haven't babysat in a while, and the kids are all at really great stages. i might forgo diaper duty in favour of brendan taking a turn. he's never changed a diaper before. i think this is a basic life-skill that one should be able to do. convincing him of that might be more challenging. he's not opposed to it, but he'd probably be happy putting it off as long as possible. sooner or later, he'll have to change audrey's bum, so there's really no putting off learning.

 

sometimes i wish i fulfilled my own definition of a being a good person. and yet i always seem to fall short.

 

a sliver of smoke pokes a hole in the ozone.

agave

when we bought our house i started searching online for websites that gave tips for maximizing space in a small home. it was kind of annoying because all the examples of 'small' homes were still big. the mostly featured loft-style living where everything is in one room. i eventually found a site called apartment therapy and soon became a subscriber via facebook. today an entry caught my eye about how not to be a hoarder. while i'm not a HUGE hoarder compared to many, i do tend to hold on to things because often when i get rid of stuff i find myself in a situation where i need that exact thing. so i keep things 'just in case'. but the website really gave some valid advise on how to make things uncluttered, and i'm very keen on that. so at 8:30 i got cracking on the den, then soon moved into the living room. i'm very pleased with my progress. and while i did set a few things aside for giving away, i mostly just got more organized. i've found the tip about not storing things under furniture the most helpful. i always thought it was a good use of space, but the article said it just makes things look messy. and i have to admit, having moved the baskets i bought for storage under the coffee table, i now agree. funnily enough i found that the baskets were mostly empty anyways. now i just need to make sure that the new open space doesn't get filled with more stuff. that will be the biggest problem.

my dad keeps insisting that we use miracle grow on the garden. i'd just do it get him off my back about it, but brendan doesn't want to, and i haven't mentioned it to andrew and shannon yet. i suspect that it's like steroids for plants, and i'll have to find a way of telling my dad that we want our garden to be organic. he's pretty opinionated, but usually forgets later on. most things he tells me he changes his mind later. like this one picture of me and brendan, he told me that it makes us both look really old, then later told me what a great pic it is. he also told me not to get a picnic table but to get a patio set, but then later when on and on about how nice our picnic table is :S oh well. it would probably be character building to assert myself.

with the torches in our hands we will reduce it
to the ground.

brassiere

i seem to be having an allergy attack on the left-hand side of my face.

my left eye is itchy, my left nostril is stuffy and the left side of my throat is tingly. weird. perhaps my right-brain is trying to get my attention.

last night, when on my rounds at the hospital a nice little old lady coughed right into my mouth. i'm not even exaggerating. she was hard of hearing so i was leaning in really close so she could hear me when she coughed and i felt her breath enter my mouth. she was my last visit, so i gargled with listerine when i got home. i hope my multi-vitamin will help fend off her germs. i had seven visits last night, a record high. i was surprised to discover that one woman, who is 97 years old, was 10 years older than her husband. i was excited to hear that. it's nice coming across people who i have that in common with. it's pretty unusual for her generation. she said "people used to say i'd robbed the craddle". people have said that about me too. clearly not a lot has changed in 54 years.

our garden is really starting to sprout. it's hard to tell what's a weed and what's a seedling.

one of my favourite things about living on main street is that i can just slip on my boots and run up the street to rachel's place for a cup of tea. it reminds me of living on clark cresent and having all my best friends a stone's throw away. it makes life feel simple.

 

what we need is not for sale.

penny

i'm super excited. brendan and i booked out trip to costa rica last night. i've been watching the prices fluctuate for a couple week, and have been playing around with dates. we were ready to book last weekend but i had to check with emma. thankfully we didn't book then because the price dropped significally over the course of a week. we totally lucked out. our saving is almost equal to one flight. i'm really thankful because we're hoping to keep this trip as inexpensive as possible. i'm also aiming to make this my lightest luggage. i have a habit of taking things 'just in case' but then never needing them. each time i make my load lighter so i see that as progress. since this is a summer trip, going to a summer destination, i think i can pack pretty light and just carry-on my backpack.

man it was a restful weekend. i love that it stays light out until 9. it makes the evening feel slow and gives me that peaceful feeling that life is in the present that there's no place i need to be. that's perhaps my favourite feeling. i took off our winter duvet and replaced it with a summer bedspread. i like how much less bulky it is. it makes the room feel simple, instead of cluttered. there's no doubt about it, i love this season :)

left canada for baptist couches.

ticonderoga

after seeing a poster for an allergy study at KGH i enlisted. they're doing a cat allergy study right now, to which i am not allergic. but they had me come in for a skin test so they'd have my allergens on file for future studies. i had to fill in a bunch of paperwork, then we were ready to go. they wrote numbers on my arm then pricked me with a plastic needle. the method was slightly different to when i had my allergy test in 1996, i was kind of impressed. anyhow, at first there was nothing visible, but i had an itchy sensation. after 15 minutes i had 5 distinct bumps on my arm. it confirmed that i am allergic to birch trees, which i knew, and they had something called "tree mix" which i guess is several different kinds of trees in one that i also reacted to. the two surprises were the dust mites, very interesting/good to know. and the last one was the postive control that serves to confirm that i am in fact reactive and not immune. i should receive a cheque for $25 in the mail in a few week for my participation :)

i've been listening to one of meg's albums at work today. i like that listening to them in a controlled setting (as in with headphones without distractions) means that i get to hear more of the lyrics and it makes me feel like i'm learning more about her from the days before we met.

 

you'll be alright in a while.

dis

it's funny, it's been less than a week since my intern completed her placement, and it already feels like ages ago. i've already forgotten what that was like. sometimes my memory is ridiculously short. often times when brendan and i argue i forget what was said minutes ago, even seconds. this short-term memory lapse is a strange bedfellow of my steal-trap of a long-term memory.

i had a great time at the hospital last night. i visited with 3 men and 1 lady, for a half hour each. they were all really different, and i enjoyed spending time with each of them. the lady was super cute, oh my goodness. shannon would've loved her. when i came into her room she was sitting there eating a homemade sandwich and a cup of tea :) and we talked all about her pets. one of the men was a sad case. he was nice, but spoke openly about wanting to end his life. this did not surprise me because, believe it or not, the highest risk group for suicide in canada are widowers over the age of 70. they all seemed to enjoy my company, and i hope that their day were brighter after having a visitor.

aside from that (which was the higlight of my week so far), i've been feeling a little bent out of shape lately. i've been super sensitive and oddly aggressive. i hope it passes soon. that i'll soon be bent back into shape.

 

i could really go for a oreo cookie.

no unobstructed views,
no perfect truths.

tank

since we moved into the exile i've been waiting for a rainy weekend to unpack our basement. things were more or less dumped in random places for lack of time and simply left there. the damp basement (not helped by our inability to figure out how to get the dehumidifier to work) slowly decomposed cardboard boxes and was in danger of causing unwanted mold. so thankfully it rained on saturday morning and we had nothing else to do but be productive. after getting the car rust-proofed, we picked up some palettes and set to work in the basement. not only did we get it organized, we bought a hose for the dehumidifier and have managed to get it working. the humidity has dropped and the temperture has risen. i'm extremely pleased. on the first day i went down to admire it about once an hour. now i go to check on the drying floor about twice a day. all in all it was a pretty productive weekend.

i wonder if jordin's given birth yet. b and i have been sitting on pins and needles since last night around 9:30 waiting for the latest news. whenever our friends give birth our whole community is eager for info. word tends to spread slowly as social media falls very low on the priority list. so i will wait patiently as in days of old, hoping for an update from the lady who lives upstairs.
 
lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days.

blah blah blah

lately i've started to notice that brendan's becoming something of a bed-hog. i find this very amusing and don't mind at all. often i wake up in the night to find myself squished between b and the wall with only enough room for my body.

man, this not shaving my legs thing is working out really well. it saves me so much time. i now get into my STANDING UP shower (as opposed to my sit down one at the old place) wash my hair, do a quick scrub with some soap and am out in no time. i shower almost as quickly as brendan now! i feel like not shaving is revolutionizing my life! i still go thru phases when i find the hair weird and other times when i don't. i do wish it was lighter though. even a brown colour would be nicer than the current black.

from the corner of my eye that lady looked like a flintstone's character. simply how she walked. it was just like betty!

woken from the dream by my own name.

bistro

sometimes when i feel like we've seen the worst, things get even crazier. a few evenings ago brendan and i sat at our respective computers reading off excerpts from news articles to each other about the naked man who ate another naked man's face on a highway on-ramp, and about the severed foot that was delivered to parliment. like that's effed up. interestingly enough, i listened to a news program last night on the cbc about this new drug called 'bathsalts' that they suspect the now dead naked guy was on. they were talking about how dangerous, addictive and how concerning it is. all i could think is if i was a drug user, the thought of eating another person's face would be enough to keep me far away from that drug. that disturbs me greater than the possibility of ODing.

well... for a complete change of pace....

brendan and i have started making our summer plans. and crazily enough the weekends are filling fast and we have only a couple left for just hanging out at home. we're getting close to booking our trip to costa rica, but more immediately... we've made plans to go visit jill in stratford and take in a play. it's funny because rachjill and i talked about us lorimers going to visit jill in stratford months ago, but we didn't talk about whether or not we could stay with her or not and i didn't want to be presumptous. so last night we looked into hotels and afterwards pretty much decided we couldn't afford it :S so we started working on a plan B. as we sat out front with a pen and paper jase walked by and said "whatcha working on?" so i told him our budget. he told us that jill would probably be happy to have us, so stratford was back on the table. within hours we'd made plans with jill to camp out on her floor. i'm super excited. wooh!

under a perfectly blue sky.

dehumdifier

this morning at work there was a big celebration marking the 20th anniversary of bbd in ontario. it was the kind of event that filled me with company pride – and let's face it... company loyalty. i found myself verklempt on more than one occasion. it's nice to be part of a big picture and to feel that i'm part of creating positive change around the world. sure, it's a different kind of change than those fighting poverty and injustice, but we provide a service and a product that increases the quality of life for millions of people. in a few years, our transit system will cut two hour commute times down to 50 minutes, and bring jobs to people living in favalas. considering all the for-profit companies in the world... i'm fortunate to work for one that i believe in. all this made me think about celebrating the 30th anniversary :)

day two of volunteering at KGH went very well. i had lengthy conversations with 4 people and helped 2 with their dinner (fixed their tea, encouraged them to eat, etc). i felt encouraged that i'm learning the ropes. last week i found the breaking the ice part the most awkward, but today it was much easier. it's nice that i start right after work and am finished by 6:30. that still leaves me my entire evening.

my new earrings arrived in the mail today. she sent me two for some reason, but i'm glad because they're slightly different from the other pair. they're more edgy. they also seem to have a better clasp system. my old earring never re-appeared.

our sprouts are really sprouting! it's so fun!

he'll look around the room, he wont tell you his plan.

abstract

when i was in grade 4, my family and i took at trip to england for christmas to celebrate my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary (they're anniversary was december 14). of all our many trips to the UK, this remains one i'm especially fond of. pamela still says that her favourite christmas was the one when my dad and uncle leslie (my aunt married a man named leslie after i was born) were there. when my mom came over on saturday she brought with her my journal from that trip. i'm glad she passed it on to me, i was always fond of that journal. sitting reading it yesterday afternoon i was quite stunned by what i stumbled across. it was just a normal journal entry, talking about what we'd done that day, but tagged at the end it said "aunt eileen and uncle david came over so we turned on the tv. the plane crash was on again". we were in england at the time of the lockerbie bombing. it's interesting that while i didn't understand the broad scope of that event, it did make an impression on me, enough that i mentioned it in my journal. that experience was the first world event that i was aware of. it awokened me to the bigger picture.

lately i'm finding that i'm listening to music less often, and instead enjoying the sound of my surroundings. on friday night, i sat on the floor of our den, re-stringing a broken bead necklace as the breeze blew in thru the open window and made the curtains dance around. it was so peaceful. sometimes it scares me when the things that used to filled my time, space, head, are no longer what i'm drawn to. it makes me feel like i'm losing myself. but i suppose it's just me evolving into a the latest manifestation of me. i suppose that maturing means changing. the things that defined my 20s will not be the things that define my 30s.

only the sound of chewing in the room.

cents

it seems to me that good music puts me in the mood to write. even when i don't have anything to say.

our front lawn is about 24 ft wide and 10 feet deep with steps to the house in the middle. it's a small yard, but we've converted it into a large garden. with andrew and shannon, we plotted out the garden in advance. even on paper it looks awesome :) it's funny because right now the garden still just looks like dirt, but soon the seeds will begin to sprout and it will start to resemble a proper garden. unfortunately, the flowers are super wilty right now. i really hope that improves because i want them to thrive and take over the space.

i think i've mentioned before that i have eczema on my lids. over the weekend i had a massive outbreak and it left my skin all puffy and swollen. my eyes were all runny and sensitive to light. i made an appointment with my doctor for today - after a bunch of my colleagues were like "oh wow, what's wrong with your face!?!?!". it cleared up by mid-week and now i have a doctor's appointment regarding perfectly healthy skin. hmph. oh well, i suppose i can go and they can give me some ointment or something.

things with my intern have gotten steadily better. i think i'm getting used to her and she's becoming more independant. i had to do her placement evaluation yesterday so she could send it to her teacher in order to graduate this june. it was a little awkward because i've never evaluated someone before. their rating system is different to (and in my opinion less constructive than) the rating system we use at work. i decided to use our system. in the end, i'm pleased with what i did and feel that i was tough but fair. not hugely tough, but i didn't just give her 100% on everything. it's not very helpful to students if you don't show them what their strengths are and where they still need to develop. i feel this whole experience has really given me a greater appreciation for my boss and what it's like to oversee other people.

sometimes i'll hear a song that i associate with a specific time of my life, but suddenly it applies to my current sitation so, so well.

my love is a bell,
it won't sing unless you ring it.

screens

it's funny how sometime we accidentally come across things we didn't know existed and they turn out to be very handy. especially with computer short-cuts.

on tuesdays, i'm beginning work at 7 so i can leave at 3:30. why? well, because i'm starting to volunteer at KGH as an 'elder life program' volunteer. yesterday was my first day and i shadowed a guy named kenny. it was a very interesting experience. the patients are, on average, in their 80s and have been identified as at risk for dementia. The job of the volunteer is to keep them alert, eating, conversing and doing some exercises. breaking the ice seems to be the most awkward part. the one man we visited yesterday talked and talked and talked and talked. he was nice and told interesting stories, but also had pretty strong archaic opinions. he went on and on about "older mothers" and how women shouldn't have babies in their 30s. kenny, a life sciences student, confirmed this by saying the optimal time to have kids is between 22 and 28. whenever i hear things like this, i inwardly freak out and feel i should go home to get pregnant immediately. i have to admit, sometimes i find it being very hard being in a world that tells me that i'm getting too old to have babies and that my husband is too young. i suppose it's just one of those things where there's always going to be someone of the opposite opinion, no matter what we do. i guess i find that kind of opinion difficult to deal with because age is outside of our control. i suppose in an ideal world brendan and i would be the same age, but we're not, so we're going to have to do things differently and hope for the best.

ANYWAYS... i'm getting way off topic. so ya, ken and i visited a bunch of folks and he showed me the ropes. when i'm done my shift i have to do a right up about each person, explaining what we did and how they responded. i kind of enjoyed the analyzing and reflecting upon each visit.

it turns out that the program coordinator is someone i went to high school with. i don't really remember interacting with her at all, definitely not in the last few years. i remember she wore doc martins and coloured her hair purpley-red. we had a nice chat though, and it turns out that she's now dating someone else who went to frontenac. i told her that i'd look him up in a yearbook when i got home. and i did. yearbooks are funny things.

i'm super pleased because andrew installed the new window in their door yesterday. it now looks like a proper apartment entrance. things are really starting to come together at our little house. we planted our garden on monday, but i'll tell you about that later ;)

 

will you still need me,

will you still feed me,

when i'm 64.

handshake

she reminds me of a book. the kind of book that doesn't hold my interest but that i'm committed to all the same. time drags the more i desire it to pass quickly.

i responded to a shed ad on kijiji today. the shed was in poor shape from the picture. the old metal kind we had in the 80s. i've seen many of these come and go on kijiji in recent months and they usually go for between free and $30. this one was listed for $100 OBO. so i wrote and told the person that i would take it for $50, explaining that that variety is usually posted for free. she wrote back saying it was already sold for full price. clearly she felt like a victor. since i'm feeling snarky today i was tempted to write her back and tell her that the person must have been a chump, but refrained. i think the chip on my shoulder is a side affects of the tedious book. it's not bringing out the best in me.

sometimes my mom accidentally drives past our rendezvous point for about 15 minutes before she realizes she overshot her destination. sometimes, especially when i'm trying to avoid something, i'm more than willing to be inconvenienced and just wait patiently.

last weekend we dug up some shrubs from our yard. once again it hit me that we own our house and can dig up shrubs if we want to. since then brendan has proceeded to dig up our entire front lawn. later today we're getting screens installed on our windows. i like the freedom and agency we have as homeowners to make these kinds of decisions/purchases. it's true, there's always something to work on that costs money, but it feels like a fair trade. with everything there's an upside. being one who is neither optimistic nor pessimistic, i tend to play the field. at my best i see the silverlining in everything. at my worst i see the only cloud in an otherwise clear sky.

i want to lean towards the silverlining.
with job searches, household expenses, tiresome books, and glass ceilings.

 

(i think my writing is best when i'm feeling slightly tortured).

 

if wishful thinking's all i got
i keep on thinking wishful thoughts.

hyphen

some guys are really stupid. it amazes me that they can reach full-grown adulthood and still be oblivious in how they treat women. yesterday, a fellow bbd employee (who i don't know at all) added me as a contact on linkedin, then proceeded to write to me and tell me that i'm a cutie. my first reaction was to just roll my eyes and delete his email. but then i thought "no! i shouldn't just let that go, i know that by company guidelines that would be considered sexual harassment". so i wrote him back and told him that linkedin is not a dating website and that he shouldn't speak to his colleagues that way. this morning i found that he'd written me back apologizing if he'd offended me. what really strikes me odd is that someone would think comments like that are distasteful only if someone is offended. to me it's not an issue of being offended, but rather an issue of being appropriate. he's actually lucky that i only wrote him saying he crossed a line and didn't forward his email to our human resources department - they'd take that very seriously. i'm sure the guy meant no harm, but i doubt he gave any thought to how it might be perceived or received. it was completely self-indulgent. it reminded me of guys yelling out car windows at girls on the street.

brendan started working the soil yesterday at the exile. he's slowly tearing up the grass to make room for our garden. it's slow going but he's doing an awesome job. so far he's found 23 cents and 3 old-fashioned hand-tooled nails. i'm curious what else he might find.

i've been feeling pretty lethargic in the evenings these days. little desire to do anything and a short attention span. last night i passed out on the couch for about a half hour then got up feeling much better. i suspect that having a shadow at work is really draining me. i usually juice-up at work with all my alone time. thankfully, after my nap i did manage to get SOMETHING done. i've been struggling with my new computer because many of my music files were missing and i couldn't figure out why. i'm quite pleased to have figured out how to transfer files between the two profiles. it was a tedious process but thankfully one i only have to do once.

 

don't stand so close to me.

droopy

wow!

my day has just made a sudden 180° turn.

1) i got an email from the person on etsy who i got my earrings from and she's going to post just one so i can replace my lost earring. HOORAY!!!!!! (i can't even explain how happy i am about that)

2) i got notice that i'm getting my annual pay increase on my next pay cheque. HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

3) brendan just fixed my wagon. HOORAY!!!!!!!

4) and the window people came by and we're going to get screens installed on our three windows that don't currently have any. SUPER!

man. this morning i felt rotten. i just felt so miserable. i know it's silly because it's just an earring, but i was just so so sad. it would be like if my tattoo just fell off one day or all my hair disappeared. that's how connected i feel to those earrings.

 

plus, i was dreading going into work and being around people all day, but actually turned out better than i had imagined. my intern is getting a little more independant, which is good.

like a child, we get hungry and restless and wicked and wild.

spade

i lost my earring today. the back of one of my big black earrings fell out in the garden and i didn't notice for at least 20 minutes. we looked and looked and didn't find it. as silly as it seems i just feel sick about it. i HATE that i have one and a half earrings, and that means i'll never be able to wear them ever again.

i messaged the girl on etsy who i bought them from to find out if i could buy one again. i haven't heard back from her. when i went to check the rest of her collection it seems she only sells yoga bags now.

i'm unhappy. why is it that we grow so attached to things? what part of me grew to see those earrings as part of me? i don't get it. i so wish this hadn't happened. i wish i hadn't worn my earrings while working in a garden.

the garden looks great. and that was enough to distract me for a few hours. but now that it's dark out and the distraction is gone i feel sad again.

i take a breath and pull the air in 'til there's nothing left.

10 feet

striving to be a fairly diplomatic couple, brendan and i have a system of renting movies from classic video. we always get the 3 for 5 deal, which means we each get one pick, and for the third we get a documentary. we've gotten some pretty good ones in the past. last night we watched one called lucky about the lottery and how it changes peoples lives for better and worse.

recently i watched a TED talk about money. it was called "how to buy happiness". the title bugged me but i was intrigued to see where he was going with a title like that. if he was going to present something i agreed with or disagree with. the man ended up concluded that the way to buy happiness is to give money away. it's not how much we spend, but what we spend it on. buying things won't make us happy, but helping others in need will. i've found this to be true in my own life.

this was quite apparent in last night's documentary. some folks stayed pretty down to earth, some headed in a new direction, and one couple who seemed really normal at first went really over the top at the end (mind you, they were also the winners of the largest amount, so it's not that surprising). another person ended up completely broke. this one man, who was a vietnamese immigrant to the states, built homes for his children and his wife and him in their own little cul-de-sac, and built this massive apartment complex in vietnam for his relatives there (70-80 people). it was amazing to see how he helped make other people's lives better. this other man, who's marriage fell apart after he won the lottery (his wife was no longer financially dependant on him so she took off), eventually got remarried and said that his new wife was his true lottery prize. he was a mathematician and spent his time tutoring kids in math. it was really neat.

while brendan and i would never play the lottery, it got me thinking about my life if i didn't need to work. it seemed that many folks struggled with loss of identity without work or they struggled to relate to their working friends. they felt there money was less enjoyable since they hadn't earned it. i thought of my work, and the sense of accomplishment i get from it. how the reward of a promotion can't be bought.

i'm pretty happy with where i'm at. and hope to continue making the most of the money i have by giving to others.

 

happiness hit her like a train on a track.

blargh

as i edited his resume,
i inquired about his time at rona.

he says to me

"les, we already established this.
i didn't accomplish anything, i didn't do anything, and i didn't help anyone.
but ironically it wasn't the worst job i ever had".

i walked to the grocery store with my new wagon. it was our second outing – me and it.
on the way back all the bolts fell off and the wagon was nearly in shambles.
at one point it completely fell over and the groceries fell into the road.
then it started to rain.
i was sad but had no choice but to keep going.
then up ahead i saw our red CRV turn the corner as b came to fetch me from the rain.
he put the wagon and the groceries in the car and took me home.

tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better,
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

bruised

i had some serious difficulties untangling my hair today after i teased it for the 80s party i went to last night. it was like one massive dread.

recently rachel L gave me a book called 344 question. she said that i'm always working thru some sort of existential question and the book might help. plus it's well designed so she thought i'd enjoy the layout too. it was timely since i'm on the cusp of another existential journey, trying to make sense of things that seem to have no real meaning or value in them. things like this bring to the surface different personalities and held beliefs. there are those who are confident that there is reason and purpose in misfortune. and others who feel life is a series of cruel jokes. and then a spectrum of others in between. right now the last thing i want is for people to reason away my feelings, pass along sayings or tell me to 'trust in the lord'. sometimes i just need people to say "this sucks, les. it's crappy and there's no way around it." just give me time to soothe and let me feel like my feelings are legitimate.

i've had some interesting dreams lately. you know me with my dreams. i feel a little excited since they represent new beginnings. i'm excited to see what will happen but feel pretty gun-shy. i'm afraid to let myself hope these days.

i'm going to drink a cup of tea and eat some chocolate with brendan now. g'night!

seeing the train roll away, i'm going out of my head here.

steak

we went seed shopping tonight – us lorimers and cardiffs.

we got carrots and corn and zuchinni and garlic. we bought flowers and hand tools. i'm pretty frickin' exciting. i think we're going to have an awesome garden. we're going to plant the seeds on victoria day, but before then we have some landscaping to do to prepare. i envision several levels of garden and limestone retaining walls. i can't wait! i was super excited at the store. this summer is going to be great.

b and i are really enjoying having andrew and shannon living upstairs. it's fun seeing them so often and being in such close proximity. there's something extra special about living under the same roof. i bought shanno a house-warming gift online last week and was pleased because i knew her address without having to look it up :) i got shanno and me aprons from this website called flirty aprons. i got a groupon coupon and couldn't resist.

did i tell you that i'm excited about our garden and that i think it's going to be fantastic!!?!?!?!

at worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile.

fork

brendan made the yummiest chickpea curry yesterday. i feel so lucky to have a husband who loves to cook. he also tidied the house! the curry was so good, but still a bit hot for me so i added raisins which was awesome too. the raisins were super old and dried out, which is funny since that's the very nature of raisins, but these were extra raisin-y. like raisined raisins. we need to buy new ones. i don't eat raisins as often as i'd like. when i was little, i remember having a bath before bedtime and my mom blow-drying my hair while i ate raisins as my bedtime snack :) that is one of my fondest memories. it seems to embody the simplicity of childhood.

i had a great phone conversation with my mom yesterday. she's probably the only person i talk on the phone with, and it's been a while. ever since she retired she has a new lease on life, and it's so lovely to see. i like hearing her laugh again. she was telling me about visiting an old acquaintance at trillium ridge who is now in her 80s. a few years ago, with her late husband, this woman made an exercise video called "staying vital with vera" and gave my mom a copy. we had a good giggle about that. while we were talking, she asked how brendan's job search is going. i was disappointed to tell her that he still hasn't heard from KEYS (he called them last wednesday and they said they were going to be calling people in the next 2 weeks). she encouraged me that it's still early and said "this is always how things go for you. a long time of waiting, then things work out". she might be right. i waited 2 years for my job at bbd, and 5 years for my relationship with b, etc etc. i wonder why that is. i wonder if things really are slow in coming or if my impatience makes it feel longer. she told me "it's this culture of instant gratification!" but i don't think that's it. i don't think i'm THAT swayed by our culture. it's more that when i have a need, i'm keenly aware of it, and the fact that it will eventually get met doesn't ease the discomfort.

my dad runs a seniors group at his church and this week they're having a show and tell event. i thought that was neat since we just did one at living room. years ago he gave me a family mirror that is currently hanging in our foyer. he asked if he could borrow it to take to his group. at my uncle bill's funeral my dad and i were given my grandpa (his dad)'s baby shoe from the 19th century. he and i debated over who should get to keep it, and in the end he won because it was his dad. but i said to him "you're going to lose it. if i had it, you could come visit it and always know where it is". i suggested he used the baby booty for his show and tell item, and he sheepishly confessed that he'd lost it.

 

i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground.

tidy

i've concluded that interns are similar to angsty teens. at first at least. everything is foreign and new, their outside their comfort zone, they don't have a lot of confidence yet, and i constantly want to say "it's alright, this really isn't as scary as it seems".

my intern started today. she's very nice and i think we'll work well together. it's interesting because it's quite a learning curve for both of us. i've never supervised anyone before. it's difficult doing my own work when making sure that she has enough to do and is managing ok. i think i'll get used to it. she's with me for 4 weeks, maybe 5. i think she'll do great though. i think i'm more confident in her than she is in herself at this point. it's been a LONG time since i started a job. i'm sure it was a nerve-wracking day.

this past weekend was great. lots of time hanging out with friends. a reading date at the goat with b. a shiny new wagon for carting home groceries from the store. i feel pretty lucky.

i've been wanting a wagon for a long time. well... not a long time really, a few months. but still. i wanted a retro looking one – red with wooden railings. when i first told my mom i wanted a wagon she laughed at me. it seemed so peculiar to her. but i can't fault her for that, our brains don't work the same way. putting it together was slightly more complicated then i thought, but b and i hungout on the front stoop working as friends and neighbours came along and we chatted with them about this new rad addition. hanging out in front of our house is great. i always liked doing that at the maxipad, so i'm glad to continue at the exile. it's a great social bridge. after we were finished i carted it down to food basics to buy groceries. it felt so delightful. i never had a wagon as a kid, but i found it so quaint :) it was super easy to navigate around the grocery store too! on the way back the one bolt and nut fell off, but i found it 15 feet behind me and repaired it right away. just wasn't tight enough.

i did cartwheels in your honour.

slow jam

oddly, i'm discovering lately that i'm a person heavily reliant on expectations. that sounds weird. what i mean is that i get super thrown off if when reality is different than what i expected. my sister used to say that i'm not a flexible person, while that's not quite accurate i can understand where she gets that from. i had a bit of a meltdown a couple weeks ago when i arrived home to find that brendan had done work around the house in a different order than i had expected. (WHAT!?!? WHAT?!?! THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED!) and it's weird, because there's nothing wrong with the change of plans, and there's nothing essential to how i expected things to play out, but it's super hard for me to adjust. at first, i think b thought i was just making a big deal out of nothing, but i think he's starting to get it. this is how i'm wired. on occassion i'll find myself in a situation where things are better than i expected, which i like - so it's not that i'm unflexible. there's just part of me that relies on expectations the way other people rely on consistancy. the only solution i can think of is to try to hold my expectations loosely so that i don't rely on them so much. but at the same time, i get a sense of security of knowing this is this, and that is that, and never the two shall meet. i dunno, maybe this doesn't require a solution at all.

i'm super proud of brendan. yesterday he finished this first year of college. he's now officially 50% finished. and he passed with flying colours. i have him a pack of 5 pabst beers. why five you ask? well i needed one myself. it's a little tradition of shanno and mine to have a pabst beer after a papsmear. it's handy that my doctor's office is across the street from the beer store. i got carded :)

i could really go for a tomato and artichoke salad right now. oh man. yum.

sometimes following knitting/crochetting patterns just doesn't work.

we were light and paper thin.

flirty

with a uhaul truck and a handful of friends, andrew and shannon moved into their new apartment above our heads. they've deemed it 'bel-air'. the move went pretty smoothly, except their couch wouldn't fit (it got up the narrow stairs but wouldn't go any further) and their box spring didn't fit either. however... andrew cut the box spring and managed to get it in, and they've found a two-seater couch so they're back on track. it's pretty exciting. i like having them upstairs. it somehow feels complete and the house fills full in a really good way.

after a morning as movers, b and i headed off to TO for dinner and a show. we went to the burger's priest. brendan had heard about it a long time ago and has been eager to go since he first got wind of it. it was pretty good, but wasn't amazing. it was neat because it was clearly hand-made with fresh ingredients and it was a good price, but not mind-blowing. we continue to like lick's burgers best.

it was b's first time seeing ani difranco and my second. the show was in the winter garden theatre which was probably one of the most surreal venues i have ever been to. the whole place has foliage on the ceiling like you're in a forest. the pillars were made to look like trees. the whole thing made me feel like i was at some kind of shakespearean theatre. ani called it "potpourri". i'd left buying our tickets until quite late so the pickings were slim. we were in the last row of the balcony and i was worried that our view would suck. however, we were in the centre of the back and the view was tremendous. the opening band, called pearl and the beard, are totally worth checking out. they were very talented and awesome. the crowd was a lot more diverse than i expected. there was definitely a larger queer and feminist crowd than at a typical show, but they were pretty balanced with couples and families (adults there with their grown children).

there was one lady there with gray dreads, and it made me think of you, jill. you have your whole life ahead of you to regrow your dreads and keep them for 50 years if you'd like. it's going to be awesome :)

we arrived back home at 2 am. i took out my contacts and crawled into bed fully dressed. i would've felt fine the next day if it wasn't for my stupid acid reflux. i've realized that my weird throat thing in january was an acid reflux episode as well. i hope it goes away soon. however, in the meantime i quite like my scratchy voice. sometimes i talk to myself just because i find the sound amusing.

 

nothing I haven't done before.

bonus

you may remember last summer, me talking about a book i was reading called "reading lolita in tehran". it was an interesting book, unlike anything i've ever read before. it immersed me in a world that was so foreign and caused me to feel quite deeply in new ways. that said, it was also incredibly difficult to follow and would often leave me bored. so when i went camping for a week i decided to leave it behind in favour of something more engaging. i next to never quit books, so from time to time i'd pick it up on my lunch break or in between books, and yesterday after the better part of a year, i finally finished it. yay! what a relief. it was slightly painful and i won't miss it, it was like a constant cloud hovering above me. anyways, when i went to mark it as complete on my visual bookshelf (on goodreads.com) i counted how many books i've read since i started it and when i completed it. SEVENTEEN. i started reading lolita in tehran 17 books ago!

my eyes have been really runny lately. it's super annoying. it makes me look like i've been crying and i haven't been. people kept asking me at the blood clinic if i was ok. i was fine, it was just a long day and i was ready to go home. the vacant look on my face was that of eagerness to get home.

last evening i was lying on the loveseat with my legs in the air and noticed my leg hairs. they're now over a quarter inch long and i found that i quite like it. this might seem odd, but i think i like my leg hair more than other legs. the reason why i say this is because i was looking up pictures of hairy girl legs online and i didn't like the pictures at all. it kind of grossed me out a bit. but that was early on. maybe i'll grow to be more accustomed to it as i become more accustomed to my own. so far i like that this is making me one step closer to being low maintenance.

i was digging around in the basement the other day trying to find a throw pillow i'd stowed away. while down there i could hear andrew and shannon talking. i tried to mind my own business, but it was difficult to ignore their conversation. in hindsight, i think they would've appreciated me making my presense known so at least they could be aware that i could hear them. i told b "it's probably good practise to just say 'i can hear you'". b thought that might embarrass them, which is not what i was hoping for. in fact, the opposite. at least if i identify myself they can stop themselves from saying something that could embarrass them. it's funny that i can only hear them when i'm in the basement. in the main level (the sandwich between the basement and their apartment) we can't hear them at all.

 

oh the river, it's running free.

redacted

on sunday, i spilled hot tea all over my lap and it burned in upper inner thighs. it sucked. my legs are ok now, but i have learned the dangers of tea.

as i drove into work this morning, i had this internal debate about whether or not i'd put in my contacts. i couldn't remember and couldn't tell from looking around. everything seemed clear-ish. any difficulty with reading signs was assumed to be because it was early and my contacts were still settling. however, after 5 minutes it finally stuck me that indeed i had NOT put in my contacts and i had to return home again. thus i was significantly late for work. i found it noteworthy that things appeared "clear enough" that i didn't realize that life was blurry. i feel there's a good analogy in there somewhere. afterwards i could see clearly that i had not seen clearly.

andrew and shannon are moving in this saturday. b and i still have some work to do and i'm eager to get things wrapped up. i booked an appointment for this past weekend for 'just junk' to come pick up a driveway's worth of junk. it's AMAZING to be able to see our driveway and picnic table again.

lately... i've been doing a great job of keeping things tidy. i've been doing the dishes every day - something i've never willingly done. it makes me feel super awesome. i'm pretty sure it's because of the boundaries i put around my computer time. i suddenly have time and i find that i'm proactively doing chores because my head is not in the world-wide web but very presence in my house. i think that weeks of renos have given me a taste for doing stuff and not just lazying around. last night i took a walk because i felt like it. it was great. dusk + ipod + outside + alone = awesome. a thin space.

 

i'm starting to get itchy feet. it feels like it's been a while since i packed up my backpack and headed out to unknown places. i'm counting down... four months til costa rica.

you are the morning when it's clear.

mantoux

and another thing....

i really appreciate that at work i know my place. there's no confusion about where i rank, what my value is, if i'm crossing lines or letting people down. i know what i'm good at, i know what my role is, other people know what they're good and at what their role is. there is generally no cross over and i don't feel slighted when important people don't know who i am (that said, the usually do because of the nature of my job, but i don't expect them to sit with me at lunch or give me special attention). having a clear sense of self at work has always given me a sense of confidence that i don't have in my personal life. elsewhere lines are blurred, expectations aren unclear. outside of bbd, i feel that i have to earn my place and that place is constantly changing.

it's odd to me that in a way it's the freedom of regular life that makes me feel like i'm failing, and the structure of the work environment that makes me feel like i'm succeeding.

 

say my name
as every color illuminates,
we are shining
and we will never be afraid again.

fahrenheit

dalton mcginty came to my office today for a visit. we all gathered around him for his daily photo-op and he gave a big speech about how awesome ontario is and how bbd is known around the world. it always makes me laugh when politicians tell us how international we are like they're telling us something we don't already know. during his speech they put a crowd of people around him and i was placed in the front row to make us seem diverse. they were trying to make the women more prominent. anyways, dalton is a lot taller than i thought he'd be - he's over 6 ft - and his ability to talk with such ease without notes reminded me of robb, as he is the only politician i know in real life.

a few days ago i was listening to a conversation on cbc about 'jobs for life'. i found it quite interesting listening to the different callers. there was a very noticable difference in the point of view of people in their 20s and people in their 50s. and i don't even think it's a result of the culture they grew up in, i think it's because of their maturity. the one caller, who i found to be the most obnoxious, was 25 and said that he equates the thought of a 'job for life' as being in hole. now, i think it's not a stretch for me to say that having a job for 30 or 40 years is not the same as being in a hole. now, if he's the thought of having one job for his whole life makes him feel trapped and imprisioned that's a whole other issue, and i think he's not the kind of person who will stay in one place very long. another guy (26) talked with dismay about how he feels stuck in his job and as though he hasn't really experienced other options. what i wish i could have said to these guys and their generation is "it gets better!". the grass is always greener... but eventually you'll stop comparing yourself with those around you.

i remember being a working stiff in my 20s and regularly feeling stuck, that i was a slave to my osap and i didn't have the freedom to explore other things. i used to say "i've given this company my 20s". but now, in my 30s... i don't feel that way AT ALL anymore. that's not to say that there aren't days where i wish i was outside, or working downtown, or at least outside my 8x8 blue cube, but i feel a lot more peaceful now and looking back i can see how working away my salad days grew me into the person i am today and i'm really happy with where i'm at. who knows, maybe it was the shift of my boss, or maybe me just becoming accustomed to the custom of working. but i've come to believe that even if i work this same job until i'm 67, that what i do in this job is going to change drastically. it won't be like digging a hole. i dunno, i guess the job-insecurity we have these days makes me thankful and instead of resentful. it makes me feel that if i have the option to work my job for the next 35 years i'd be a pretty lucky person.

while dalton was shaking hands with the crowd he got close to me, so i ran away because i was too shy.

 

i did cartwheels in your honour.

central

yesterday, wanting to show off his new non-violent intervension skills, b eagerly said to me "punch me". so wanting to test his response to the element of surprise i punched towards him right away. unfortunately he wasn't ready and i ended up punching him right in the chest. hahaha. oops. it turns out he wanted me to punch slowly towards his face. his hold was effective, albeit in slow-motion. i'm pretty sure if i was trying to get out of it i could've :p

we've been really into parks & recreation lately. a few episodes ago it made b laugh the hardest i'd ever seen him, and both we sat there laughing to near tears. last night while we were watching it on the loveseat i noticed how long my brendanawicz's upper arm is. his arm is so frickin' long! from his shoulder to his elbow it's got to be close to 15" long. in my surprise i checked to see if my fore-arm was as long as my upper arm, and it is. i didn't realize that before. weird! when i commented to b about his long long arms (i always knew his arms were long, he had to get his suit arms extended for our wedding, but had never noticed in actuality before), he told me that the girls in his class had a difficult time practising on him in their non-violent intervension class. and that because he's so lanky he escapes easily and that he told them that he'd beat them all up. which made me laugh because i know he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

 

no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out.

jelly beans

i don't have anything in particular to write, but i just wanted to touchbase. i woke up with a tummy ache, but went to work since i realized everyone was off today and i had no one to call in sick to. i decided i could always leave again if i felt ill. by 3ish i was in pain and felt like i was going to throw up so i went home. i was a little worried i wouldn't make it home in time, but i did. thankfully. it might be period related. i'm sure i'll be well again soon. i can eat unspicy foods. i mostly just feel like my stomach has been kicked in.

it was a good easter weekend. a lovely sunrise service. productive friday and saturday. i enjoyed hanging out with shanno upstairs while the boys were at band practice. eating two easter meals. the whole weekend seemed to last a long time. i liked it.

on saturday i invented a two tier dish rack. we have a chart that we keep the dishrack on, and i've placed our camping dishrack on the second shelf for maximum dish drying. it's pretty awesome. i'm extremely enthused about this.

last week i found myself hoping for a glimmer of hope in regards to b's job search, and today seemed to bring a healthy dose of it. job searching is tough, but we worked together to produce a quality cover letter and feel pretty confident that things will pan out in due time. i've just got to become more comfortable with waiting patiently.

i'm not really tired, but my body is aching and silently whining to be put to bed. in spite the fact that i suspect i'll lie there sleeplessly for quite some time.

you are the silence in between.

squeeze

each week day, i eat a banana for my morning snack. on monday brendan picked me up some banana's from metro because i'd run out and needed some for tuesday. unfortunately all the banana's at the store were green. in desperation i thought maybe they're more ripe then they appear. after all i do like banana's best when they're just past green. my struggle to peel it should've been my first clue, because when i bit into it it actually crunched. IT CRUNCHED! A BANANA! ugh. it's been several days and there's still no sign of them turning yellow.

i keep getting a distinct swif of maple syrup. perhaps i'm going crazy.

we're making great progress with the renos. i've discoverd that realistically, i need to start asap when i get home or else i run out of time or don't even get started. so this week we're not cook'in. last night we got wendy's (drive thru - not some friend named wendy), and tonight my incredibly thoughtful mother-in-law is bringing us some supper. we made serious progress last night. maybe in part because i drank coca cola with my dinner and was wired until after midnight. andrew and shannon are starting painting on friday so we're aiming to be finished by end of day thursday - with the exception of a few doors and other details. i'm so very pleased. people keep asking if we want to move up there now that we've completed the renos. i always find that a strange question since we already live downstairs and we like it there. i think the upstairs is great, but it's not our home, it's just part of our house. maybe next time some asks me that i'll explain that would be like moving into their kids room just because they paint it.

so far my leg hair growing experiment is going well. i've been able to avoid the discomfort leg hair getting caught on my pant legs by wearing long tight socks. so far the hair is fairer than i expected, it's kind of a light light brown. it makes me think it won't be as noticable as i thought. i think people's body hair changes with time. i remember my old landlord's leg hair was completely worn off, it was like he shaved, only he didn't.

it's hard to dance with a devil on your back,
so shake him off.

what the... beets?

so, some of you may have noticed that i accidentally posted an email to bren on pspd. that's the hazards of publishing via email, the publishing address comes up like any old email address and i selected the wrong recipient. it's since been deleted but in case you read via a blog reader site it may still appear on your radar. as they say... "the internet is permanent". it will probably always been in circulation.

i'm obviously pretty embarrassed. not that i said anything damming or anything. but it's still pretty embarrassing to have a private convo be published publicly by my own self. i truly am an idiot. or at least that's how i feel.

anyways, i just wanted to clarify what happened, since i don't usually write emails to pals on pspd.

 

please pardon me.

versatile

yesterday i was reflecting in an email to bren about the clutter in my life. i want to declutter not just the clutter in my home but the clutter in my time as well. i ended up concluding that the amount of time i waste on my computer or even watching shows is quite significant, and that something needs to change. i found that i need some boundaries around my screen time. i'm great at coming up with plans, but i stink at following thru with them. i know that coming up with a chore schedule for myself would not work. what i really need to do is change my habits. i come home, i turn on my computer, i waste time, i eat supper, i get caught up in life and chores get neglected. years ago i used to turn on my computer each morning when i woke up, until i found it was making me late for work and wasn't really adding anything to my life. i've changed that habit. so i've concluded that i will post-pone turning on my computer until after one chore is done. and really, cleaning the bathroom or putting away laundry doesn't take a long time, i just lack the motivation. but if my evening is on-hold until i take 5 minutes to do clean that washroom, then i have reason to buckle down and get it done. last night it worked excellently. in fact, i got a lot accomplished simply because i spent less time online. decluttered. this might just be the dawning of a new era for me.

i'm very pleased at the announcement that the penny is being abolished. i've been at odds with the penny for years. they are useless. you can't use them in vending machines and you can't leave them as tips, there's no way to get rid of them so they pile up. frequently i throw them in the garbage. frig, talk about getting rid of the non-essential. i think our change purses will be much lighter. or else they will be filled with useful currency.

it was all so strange and so surreal
that a ghost should be so practical.

when i saw the headline saying federal budget to push back retirement to 67 i thought "aw crap. now i have 35 years to go instead of 33."

foam trays

i had a dentist appointment this morning. while the hygenist cleaned my teeth i watched the tv mounted on the wall above me. first i watched canada am then i watched live with kelly. now that i've without tv for a year and a half, what really struck me this morning was that EVERYTHING was an advertisement. on canada am, they were interviewing their weather man who'd recently been a contestant on the price is right. the price is right is a fairly entertaining show, and i find the retro feel pretty cool, but that show was created strictly to showcase new products. it's one big advert disguised as a game! they also had a segment all about 'must have accessories for spring', which involved bringing in a fashion consultant to go over all the things people need to buy to stay trendy this spring. this sort of thing used to be interesting to me, i always found it neat to see the latest gadgets and so on. but all it is, is marketing. i know that not all shows are built around buying stuff, but it really bugged me and i'm really glad that we don't have television anymore. this is saying a lot since i really resisted it when brendan didn't want tv.

i think i'm starting to see advertising everywhere since this whole shaved legs thing. why should some companies, some people i don't know, influence my choices and tell me what i need or like?!?!

trips to the dentist are uncomfortable and my mouth remains sore afterwards. however, i usually enjoy all the other aspects, such as sleeping in a little bit later, not being rushed, going into work late, having a shorter work day. since we moved i've COMPLETELY forgotten to floss my teeth. out of sight, out of mind. i'd really like to floss more often. it seems simple enough, but piling a bunch of small tasks on top of one another ends up taking a long time. b is ALWAYS in bed way faster than me and i'm crazy jealous.

last night i attended an NA meeting in support of a friend reaching a significant milestone of sobriety. it was a pretty amazing experience. that kind of environment appeals to me in several different ways. it's an incredibly affirming atmosphere. people clap and encourage someone with 60 days clean just as much as someone with 13 years. i think it's because they recognize the value and effort at every stage of recovery. most people are also very frank about their lives and struggles. it's refreshing. i think the world would be a better place if we were more transparent about our vices and hurts. i know that NA and AA groups don't work for everyone, but i think there's a lot that can be taken from their approach even if people resist certain elements. even i feel better having gone last night, it was positive and supportive. they do a lot of reading and the one slogan that really made an impression on me was 'one time is too many, and a thousand is never enough - ever'. to me that speaks volumes of self-awareness. plus people hug a lot, and men cry freely. there's a lot we could learn from such groups.

 

make me laugh, make me cry, enrage me
but just don't try to disengage me.

sheriff

i'm toying with the idea of taking a sabbatical from shaving my legs. this line of thinking only started this morning, but since then it's progressed significantly.

to fully understand where i'm coming from, i should say that i really enjoy having shaved legs. i shave my legs every 3 days year round and have done for i don't know how long (not always, but definitely the last while). having shaved legs is very soft and smooth, and makes me feel good. in contrast to that, when my leg hair gets long and catches on my pant leg i am deeply troubled with discomfort.

as a child i was always extremelly self-conscious of how hairy my legs and arms were. having dark hair, my leg hair was more pronounced than that of my contemporaries. around age 9 and 10 i started to eagerly long to shave my legs and in the spring of grade 5 (around when my parents split up actually, probably not related but still interesting to me) i started baggering my mom about it and she finally conceeded and said "fine go shave your legs". so i did, but i found they looked so odd and exposed so i let them grow back in. funnily enough, i remember the new hair had a bit of an auburn tint to it. anyways, soon after a boy in my class said to me "why are your legs all hairy" and after that i began shaving regularly.

i have been quite happy with my routine and my legs. the thought of even considering something else had never really crossed my mind, even in the company of women who forgo shaving. it wasn't until the other day when brianne mentioned that razor manufacturers started marketing to women so they could broaden their customer-base that it occured to me that this is a custom INVENTED by someone. how odd that seems. how odd that i've never questioned this activity before. slowly it's been occuring to me the benefits of not shaving my legs and stiring in me the desire to give the other option a try. i'm realizing that my arm hair is pretty much unnoticable - significantly less noticable than it was when i was a child. perhaps if i let my leg hair return to it's natural state it may be less apparent than i remember. i'm pretty sure i could get thru the discomfort by moisturizing a lot.

if i do this. if i experiment in this way, i need to commit to a lengthy time frame. i feel that end of march may be a good time since it will allow me the privacy of pants to explore this option. i think i'll give myself until the end of may to assess things, and recognize that i might even need to go to the end of june.

basically, this is not a political statement or even a judgement on the practise of leg shaving. but i feel i need to give natural legs a try to see if i've been selling myself short. i respect beards for being what they are. maybe i should give my own legs a chance too.

 

i wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend.

scotch tape

yesterday was a big day at the exile. with pekoe regularly using the cat door to the basement, we felt it was time to move the litter box downstairs. we're pretty sick of there being kitty litter everywhere, so we spontaneously decided today was the day. we imagine that we feel similar to how a parent feels taking the step towards potty training. only on a significantly smaller scale. nevertheless we are excited about this new found freedom for saw dust covering our floor (we use flushable sawdust kitty litter).

brendan went out for schooners with ben last night. i can't recall exactly how much beer a schooner is, i think it's a litre or something. anyways, he came one a little bit tipsy, which was highly amusing because that's never happened before.

 

i'm super excited because rach and jill put the idea in my head to take a trip to stratford to see a play and visit jill's new apartment. i mentioned this to b last night and we're now hoping to go for our anniversary in june. how exciting! brendan wants to see a shakespearen play because apparently as a youth (8 or 9 years old) he became obsessed with reading shakespear's tragedies. during indoor recesses he'd read king lear. what an odd kid. thinking back he's not sure why no adult found it strange. it's funny because it seems to explain why he's such a unusual 23 year old.

 

you're only dreaming.

cornfield

oh man, the upstairs apartment is really starting to come together. we got all the flooring done on the weekend and it's starting to resemble an apartment again instead of a construction zone. everything remaining just feels like icing on the cake. it's pretty crazy actually. it's already looking really different to when we first started. when we're done it will barely resemble the apartment lived in by fang and xi. we gave andrew and shannon the choice of not seeing the apartment again until we're finished. they've agreed to that, so it'll be pretty exciting to show them the final product. the funny thing about improvements, they're often unnoticable. when something looks good or right it doesn't draw attention. there are features that i wonder if they won't notice because it looks natural, and we'll have to point it out.

every week we receive 2 communist chinese newspapers in the mail. it's called "the people's daily overseas". that, and the address, are the only parts in english. the rest is all chinese. we're collecting them to use as wrapping paper. i'm curious to see how long we keep receiving them.

it's weird that it's already the first week in march. i keep thinking we're still at the beginning of the year, but we're almost in the second quarter.

 

you are subtle as a window pane.

steps

at work today i got featured in an online publication called "Employee Spotlight". it's this weekly segment on our intranet interviewing a person about their role in the company, the challenges they face, etc etc, and what they like to do with their spare time. the funny thing about me being featured is that i'm the one who publishes it online every week. i wasn't scheduled, but they asked me to be a filler when the pre-arranged person bailed last minute. i have to admit, it was kind of fun. it felt funny though, being in front of the lens for a change. i'm used to my work being distributed to an audience of 1,600 people, but it was the first time that i was the subject of their attention. i'm really glad that i had the opportunity, because i feel there's still some fogginess around what i do exactly and it was nice to have an opportunity for more visibility. i feel this will result in more support from my colleagues instead of me having to hound them – which is usually the case. although i publish the interviews each week, i generally just skim it and then read the part about what they do outside of work. that's what interests me the most. i really enjoyed my answer for that. if you're interested, let me know and i'll send it to you to read. i had to publish a picture along with it. thankfully i took an updated 'professional' looking photo of myself recently for work stuff.

coincidentally, i was also asked today by emma if i'd like to let me name stand as her successor. she's not going anywhere, but it's part of their protocol to be grooming a successor. this is quite the honour and something worth giving serious thought. i told b about it when i got home today and we had a lengthy conversation about it. it's less about me moving into her job if she were to fall ill or leave the company, but more about developing potential in me and providing me with new opportunities and leverage. i think i'll agree to accept the role of co-successor with my colleague susanne. i have 33 more years to go before i retire, and i feel that anything that provide me with new experiences and new qualifications is a good thing. who knows what will happen in the next three decades. right now i have a college diploma in graphic design to my name, and 8.5 years of experience in a high-level communications team. the more on the job training i can get the better position i will be in if i ever need to find work in my field in the future.

since i'm on a roll talking about work stuff... next year i get one additional week of vacation! hooray!

their voices rang with that aryan twang.

trust me

why is it so funny when people accidentally go in the opposite sex's washroom!?!?! i dunno what it is, but it's quite humourous to watch and embarrassing to endure.

so i says to b the other day "do you want to go see the hunger games with me this weekend?" (it's been a while since there was a film in the theatres that interested me). he said "no, i'm not really into things that have hype" (which isn't entirely true, since he himself can get pretty hyped up about the things he digs). i tried several approaches to convince him to come, but envitably failed. however, about an hour later he yelled out to me from the other room "the hunger games is opening this week and it already has 100% on rotten tomatoes!!!! now i have to see it!!" THANK YOU ROTTEN TOMATOES! i danced around the living room in delight. FINALLY rotten tomatoes leaned in my favour. then i remembered that the lead actress was in winter's bone and had gained brendan's respect at that time. so i threw that into the mix to deepen b's commitment even further. that man is stubborn, but when he has suction there's no slowing him down.

with the spring like weather i've started walking at lunch time again. it's been a great escape from the ceiling tiles and flourcent lights.

 

i'm not ready
and i'm not even close.

booster

i need some new music. any suggestions? i feel that lately i hear a song here or there that i really like, but not entirely new albums. i definitely need an influx. the playlist on my ipod reminds me of years gone past and not life as i currently live it.

having a suspicious nature, as i do, can really come in handy. i tend to pick up on cues and details that many folks overlook. the downside to this is that i also read into things that are not there. i need to make sure that i don't let my imagine run away on me. i don't need to borrow worry, that's for sure. my skepticism is going to get on b's nerves if i don't tame my alertness.

i made a big list of what's remaining on the pad upstairs. when i finished i felt that we needed another week off just to wrap everything up. *exhale* it's like eating a horse, right? one bit at a time. its tough since b's now back at school (with only 4 weeks to go in this semester) so he doesn't really have time to commit to renovation activities. i'm looking forward to being finished. in a way, it feels like we've made very little progress. but that's probably because when i'm up there i just see everything that still needs doing.

i picked the kids up at awana tonight. in the car on the way home, caleb asked me why everyone knew me. i found this funny. not EVERYONE knew me, just some people. but being a kid they tend not to realize that i have an identity beyond just being auntie lesley.

lets call our friends
and pretend
we've got ages till the sun comes along...
till the end of the this song.

tiny

it's funny, just yesterday i was thinking about how i'd been eating kind of unhealthily all week because we didn't bother grocery shopping, and today one of my coworkers randomly told me that i was looking pretty skinny these days. sounds like my junk food was cancelled out by not sitting in my cubicle all week :)

i've been trying to think of the notable highlights from our week of holiday. it's all kind of a blur actually, but here it goes...
- the feeling i get on sundays when i know i don't have to work the next day.
- the unbelievable weather
- waking up well rested
- baking during the day
- being active
- having a flexible schedule
- our tuesday afternoon walk
- hanging out at the erbs place as we helped andrew install drywall on wednesday evening
- chips and dip
- my volunteer interview at KGH
- having the melles's over for dinner
- pekoe learning how to use the cat door to the basement (he's so funny. he's super fat so he has to squeeze thru, which leaves his tiny legs dangling for several seconds).
- seeing friends on the street mid-day
- folks dropping by to say hello while we worked
- hanging out with b all the time
- getting my tax return in the mail
- buying a new computer with said tax return
- watching the wire

- going to the beer store all by myself (for the first time) with my hair full of paint to surprise brendan by buying him pabst (i felt empowered compared to all those party-going students)
- having the whole house to ourselves and not having to keep music quiet or worry about not using the chopsaw past 8:30
- creating a lovely living space for future upstairs dwellers

- sitting out on our front porch on sunday afternoon in the sun reading
- not having to wear long johns to stay warm
- feeling excited about spring and a new season in our house

it was a good week. i miss it a little bit, but am quite happy to return to work, which is always a good sign or being well rested :)

 

he's a leaky faucet.

 

escape

well my staycation is over. we had a really great week off and made a lot of progress with the apartment. it's looking great. i'm glad that we have friends moving in there so we can continue to see and enjoy the work we put into it. otherwise we'd never get to see it.

 

i've noticed two things that bother me when it comes to renos - in terms of language of other folks. i don't really like it when people say things like 'you've done very well considering you've never done renovations before' or 'i was worried that it would be hard'. i recognize that people are trying to be thoughtful and empathetic, but i feel that we're a good judge of what we're capable of and if we didn't have the skills to do these renos we would've hired someone - like we did with the ceilings. my feeling is that not only did we achieve what we set out to do, we enjoyed it and it revealed deeper talents. it's disappointing when people say things that imply that they didn't believe we had it in us.

 

brendan and i were a great team. perhaps even better than i thought we'd be in that kind of situation. we've still got work to do, but we're past the hardest parts now. i suspect that the rest will be smooth sailing :)

 

now i'm super excited about our next vacation because we're taking a trip to costa rica!

 

with a buzz in our ears

we play endlessly.

aluminum cotton

day one of my vacation has been a huge success. it was a full day, but renovations are well on their way and we're having a great time. we've hired a contractor to replace the warped ceiling in one of the rooms. we weren't able to determine the cause beforehand, we only knew there was significant damage and it needed to be repaired. however, today the contractor showed us how the beam had begun to sag and was causing the waves in the ceiling. very interesting. he's amended that problem and the ceiling is now almost finished, which is great. the ceilings and the floors are the two biggest projects. the third is the bathroom. tonight we got almost all the wainscoting installed and it's looking AMAZING! i'm extremely pleased.

it's been a beautiful day and i enjoyed being out front of our house chatting with friends as they pass by and meeting my neighbour. plus, i baked brownies mid day and had a visit with andrew. since we're short on groceries (not having time to grocery shop today as i had hoped) we went for a slice of pizza at 2-4-1. walking home i was struck with a sense of satisfaction. even without leaving town i feel invigorated and satisfied. simply knowing that i don't have to go to work tomorrow is a tremendous weight lifted and that alone is one of the best parts of any holiday.

it occurred to me today that this vacation is actually no more costly than any other holiday i take. only usually i'm traveling. b and i discussed this during our walk in the warm drizzle tonight and i concluded that it's important for me to strike a good balance between new experiences and investing in our future. only taking trips is short sighted, and only investing sells the present. i'm glad that we're doing both. and this is a very different kind of experience for us. on the whole it's been very positive and b and i are co-operating well as a team. hooray!

it's going to be a lovely week :)

anybody want a peanut?

rivet

i don't wish to disrespect international women's day, but i do want to express some concerns.

i once read that morgan freeman hates black history month. he criticizes it because black history is american history - you can't separate it like that, by doing so they're downplays it's value and significance. there's no such thing as white history month. so why, if all people groups are considered equal, have a month set aside for black history. he thinks it perpetuates racism.

i think this translates to international women's day. i love being a woman, and i think women have a lot to offer the world. i think they've definitely been mistreated and undervalued in the past, and this continues to various extents today. but to set aside a day for women, does that mean the rest of the year belongs to men? to me this doesn't feel like a step forward. it smacks a little like we're an anomaly. that we're a small or diminutive people group. i get that being a white female in north america i have more equality with my male counterparts than women in other parts of the world. and that these other women need visibility and empowerment. i value the opportunity that international women's day provides to remind us all of the need for equality everywhere, and the ongoing struggle to make change.

i value what international women's day is about: awareness, a call to end violence against women, to empower women, and so on. i think these are awesome things. so why not call it international women empowerment day. let the name reflect action, improved status and quality of life. i wonder it men would be afraid of a day called female empowerment day. it's one thing to let us have a day, one day, a year with our name on it, but it's not enough. this affirmative action day, packaged in a nice and tidy box, can be ignored or simply given honourary mention to. some world leaders give nice speeches and expect this to platiate inequality and injustice for another year. 'what do you mean i don't support women's rights? i participated on international women's day...' i dunno, maybe that's not how it is. i just feel like having a one single day to give attention to women gives an excuse to not give this issues as much attention throughout the year.

i read an article the other day about how 1/3 of women make more than their husbands. why is this headline news!?!?! by saying this is unheard of only reaffirms the social construct that women are less capable than men. and that it somehow lessens their husbands 'manliness' to not be the breadwinners. this is garbage.

i guess i'm more like morgan freeman than i thought. he says that in order to end racism we've got to stop talking about it. he says 'don't call me a black man, call me a man'. don't call me a working woman, call me a woman. and don't give us a day where women are recognized as something valuable, live that out everyday. THAT is what will put an end to gender inequality.

silence is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then i could relax.

acid

hmph, i'm so mad (translation... feeling inconvenienced). i worked really hard to make sure that i was set up on automatic deposit for my tax return. i mailed in paperwork AND i updated my information in my tax form. BUT brendan's tax return was deposited this morning and i got a message saying mine was sent out in the mail today. i'm so annoyed. it'll take a week for it to come, and then another 5 days to clear with the bank because red-tape PC financial always holds cheques (which bugs me, i don't need them to police my banking). oh well. i shouldn't be so ungrateful. i am actually very thankful to be getting a tax return. i'm just impatient.

fang returned the keys yesterday. but it's weird, he gave us two back, but they're not the same. why am i surprised?

sometimes it takes me a while to wrap my head around changes in plans. last night brendan and nancy made a pretty strong case about putting vinyl flooring in the bathroom instead of clickfloor (if we layed the wood we'd have to disconnect the toilet which would be a major pain). now that i've had some time to think, i'm warming to the idea and will try to look for something nice. i think what bugs me about vinyl floor is that it's kind of an imposter. they design it to pretend that it's tile, when it's not. why don't they just come up with attractive and unique patterns. it could be similar to wall paper in the sense that they could print anything they want on there. if i was a vinyl floor designer i'd create something very art deco. yes, i think i would.

 

you'll be my breath should i grow old.

token

my mother in law came over tonight and we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. that kitchen is WAY better than it was, just about finished. it's amazing. i thought those appliances were beyond repair, but nancy worked wonders. i got the bathtub scrubbed pretty well too. it's old – 71 years old to be exact – so it's not perfect, but it's clean and has character.

tomorrow we're buying new flooring and are having an official lesson on saturday. we'll get the office laid. we're making very good progress.

now i'm thirsty and my feet are sore, so i'm going to sit down to watch the wire with that guy i like.

you're in my bones
and in my dreams.

hickory

it's funny... months ago i commented that if she saw me now, my life as it is now compared to how it was 2.5 years ago, she wouldn't recognize me. what's funny about that, and perhaps a bit naive as well, is that it never occured to me that that might go both ways. i don't think i recognized her at all now.

well... *exhale* fang and xi have moved out - or at least are now living else where. they've left half of their belongings behind. abandoning the things they don't want for us to have to deal with. i have to admit, i've been feeling pretty angry about it and from time to time get ranting about how completely incompetent and idiotic they are. it's very unkind of me and i'm sure its not help anything. the weekend was a bit stressful. it's hard for me to pace myself. to see this as a marathon instead of a sprint. i get really carried away and turn into something like a bulldozer. except b doesn't take it, so we butted heads often. he did a good job of keeping me grounded all things considered. thankfully, having andrew and shannon over to tour the facility was a very neutralizing experience, which put everything back into perspective.

it's like that saying about eating a horse.

the weekend began with me fighting with an extremely clogged tub for about an hour, maybe longer - using 3 plungers, a one-minute plumber, and a liquid plummer. i thought it had defeated me when finally i saw the water swirling and bubbles coming up the drain, then the water was gone. i had won. it was probably one of the grossest things i've ever had to deal with. but i'm extremely proud of myself for conquering it and not having to call in a plumber. weekend ended with me priming the walls in what will eventually be shandrew's office. i danced with my roller, drank beer, ate chips in full view of the street below. it was actually pretty liberating. i felt that as i painted that room that i was slowly reclaiming it. by the time we're finished there will be no remaining hints of the former residents. i think it's going to be one awesome space.

one things we've discovered is that there's no privacy between the two units. brendan could hear my music clearly as he did his homework, and i could ask him what time it was from the upstairs living room when he was in our living room. we never heard fang or xi, but i suspect that was because they didn't do anything. we're installing new floors and sound proofing so we're hoping that will make a difference, but i think the reality is that it will be quite similar to sharing a house. sometimes that's a good thing - it can prompt one to be mindful of their behaviour and interaction since they can be overheard.

 

it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart.

amp

every once and in while i write about pants fitting really well. today is one of those days. it seems i've lost some weight recently, and i'm fitting back into pants i haven't worn since 2009. i'm pretty excited about this because they're the right size and fit. i like that they're tight enough that they don't get all baggy or loose in places, but loose enough that they're not uncomfortably tight. excellent. i'm having a good pants day.

the news of davy jones death the other day struck close to home. he had a heart attack at 66. my dad is 66 and was on the verge of a heart attack when he saw a doctor in december. i'm extremely thankful that they were able to do the surgery and that it was a success. as we and our loved ones get older we really need to be mindful of our hearts! don't take any chances.

so moving day has arrived for fang and xi. i'm hoping that we can go in there tonight to look around. brendan thinks they'll probably leave a bunch of stuff behind. it's hard for us to imagine fang and xi packing and moving. they don't seem like the kind of guys who'd think to get boxes or rent/borrow a truck. this weekend i'm hoping to start laying new flooring in the bathroom. it shouldn't take very long and i'm pretty sure it's a one person job. it really won't be difficult to get that place looking good. a coat of paint and some new floors will go a long way. i'm toying with the idea of buying some fresh reno clothes from the sally ann. some sweat pants or something. maybe i should get some knee pads.

i'm completely delighted because after a few days of experimenting with my tea tree and olive oil mix i've found the right combination and i'm happy to say that my current eczema outbreak has disappeared. or just about. it worked like a charm AND with this combination the tea tree oils aren't so strong that the fumes irritate my eyes when i first put it on. great stuff. at this point i don't know if i should keep using it preventitively or only when i start getting an outbreak.

it's funny how certain albums speak to certain stages of life. years ago i got a jill barber album. i liked it, however it was a bit to enchanted for me to really connect with it. but the other day one of the songs popped into my head so i decided to put it back on repeat for another go. and since then i'm kind of hooked on it. i guess i have fresh ears with a fresh perspective.

the day i met a new love
well how could i be sure
whether it was ever true love
that i had known before.