seahorse

years ago, i did an enneagram personality test. it pegged me as someone who highly values freedom. which is true. and as the sun sets on my year of freedom from work, i find myself wishing that freedom wasn't so important to me. because the reality is that being an adult is full of experiences, choices, obligation, duties, and it's starting to occur to me that freedom, the way i've valued it, is just not feasible. it's almost a childish notion to believe that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want. not only childish, but perhaps also self-indulgent or just plain selfish.

maybe it's time for me to start re-framing this notion of freedom. instead of "freedom to", i should think about it as "freedom from". freedom from busy. freedom from stress. freedom from debt. freedom from worry.

yesterday, after skeleton park music festival. i bought myself some candy. i like candy, and i gave myself permission to have some. funnily enough, i felt really gross in my body afterwards. another fine example: instead of freedom to eat candy... freedom from feeling gross, heavy, bloated, etc.

i only have three weeks left until this year is just a memory. something i did once. something i remember doing. that's hard. harder than some of the other parts. éamon will be fine at daycare. and i actually think we'll be fine apart (once we adjust). but no longer living as though my time is my own will be a tough one. except, i guess this is a reality i need to start getting used to. éamon is less portable than he once was and i've already started having to miss out on things i was once free to attend. and i suppose, if i really think about it, i don't mind. i like being at home. it's like diving underwater – eventually i'll socially resurface. in the meantime, maybe i'll just learn to enjoy the quiet, more slow paced life-style. maybe freedom is over-rated.

i've been waitin' here for days
tryin' to catch a break
the way I'm livin', it's gonna cause my heart to ache.

refreshing

there's a number of things i'm not looking forward to about returning to work (being away from éamon, early mornings, cramming my personal life into my evenings, having to follow a schedule not of my own design, etc etc). but there are a few things that will be good, and i'm going to focus on those things as much as possible. i especially like thinking of this return to work as an opportunity to start over. after working at BBD for 10 years, i just sort of did things out of habit, and over time, that pattern was pretty tired, worn and ready to be thrown out. so i'm excited about starting fresh.

i want to use my morning commute as a chance to do some oil pulling.

i'm going to pick up a radio that i can plug headphones into so i can listen to the cbc (after having the freedom to listen to talk radio, i don't want to give that up).

on friday, i bought a folding bike that i'll keep in the trunk of my car and take it out at lunch time for off-site bike rides.

i got a new lunch box and new tea thermos so i can enjoy new eating and drinking routines.

i want to make some bunting flags and hang them in my cubicle to decorate the place and make it fun and homey for me.
 
and so on and so forth. i'm actually really excited about this opportunity to re-invent my work life. i want there to be less of a disconnect between my home habits/preferences and my work habits/preferences.

at the very least, i have new things to look forward to, not the same-old same-old of my first working decade.

skeleton bones stand at the sound
of eternity on the lips of the found.

air

i've been thinking a lot since this weekend away about identity. i was really surprised to discover how much and how prominent labels still are nowadays. i kind of assumed that in this modern age, where diversity was valued, that labels were no longer relevant. but i ended up concluding that for people who are struggling to attain and maintain a sense of self, that perhaps such labels are a way for them to take hold of something clear and defined.

i was thinking about my own identity, what parts of my identity would throw me into crisis if suddenly taken from me, and what things are inconsequential.

surprisingly, the first thing that comes to mind is my job. the significance of this really stands out to me, largely because i'm not technically at bbd right now, and i'm not technically working, but i still say "at my work" with regularity. while i wouldn't say it's influenced the way i see the world, it has given me a binocular through which to see the world. i've been able to learn about the world-at-large things i would never know or experience if it wasn't for this job at this company.

another big one is my relationships and community. friends, church, partner. as well as my identity as christian/jesus follower.

i also see how my circumstances have shaped me. things like coming from a broken home, being single for the majority of my 20s, and being a woman. now... when i say being a woman, i don't mean that my identity is shaped by simply being a woman, but rather by the social context in which i'm a woman. because i don't think my job, community, family or faith would be dramatically different if i was not a woman. but it seems that it's how i'm viewed as a woman that has the greater impact on me. interactions with men, interactions with other women, safety at night (or feelings of lack of safety), social norms, etc. for whatever reason, i feel that i'm a strong and capable PERSON (whether this is my natural disposition, or the result of years of having to overcome challenging circumstances), and i think i would've fared equally well/comfortably as a man. and so i think to myself, what is it then, that makes me feel connected to my womanhood? (because i do, and am) and i feel that it's because i embrace my lot in life as a physical female, a social female. it also doesn't define me, but is just one aspect of who i am.

i feel now, like my ramblings are taking me in a different direction then i'd intended. so let me get back to what i was trying to say... that identity is too complex (in my mind) to be boiled down to just one label. i think that "person" or "unique individual" or "lesley" is the only label i need. because circumstances change, and people develop, and i don't want to be limited to just one definition.

foolishness strips the soul of its light.

swing dancer

today we planted our third 'garden of eat-in' at 79 main street. when we were done, we all happily agreed that it was our prettiest garden yet! i also think it's our most practical. we've only planted vegetables and herbs that we want to eat and/or plants we know will successfully grow. we also laid black cedar chips, which will suppress the weeds and also really make the plants and the paths really pop. EXCELLENT!

éamon and i also joined a group bike ride down to the water where the living roomers for a lakeside picnic. i'm so happy to be cycling again, and even more happy that i can tote éamon along in the stoller (since it doubles as a bike trailer). i've decided to keep my eye out for an inexpensive folding bike to keep in my cubical so i can go cycling at lunch time.

ugh, i'm so tired and worn out today. i'm going to go lie back on the loveseat and watch 30 rock with b...

it was perfect til
he came along and wrecked it.

sofa

brendan and i have been married nearly four years, and during that time we have not kept a chores schedule with assigned chores. but at this point, it seems like the reasonable thing to do. it makes me wonder why we ever thought chores would get done unintentionally, or that they'd just sort themselves out. this is probably partly because i've never had a chores roster with housemates, but i suppose the longest i lived with friends was a year and a half. it was always a short term arrangement. this is a long term arrangement, so having a plan is probably a good idea.

i was talking with someone the other day who was asking about when i return to work. i go back 2 months from today. as we were talking about this upcoming transition for me, i told her about the things i've been thinking and doing to prepare for that, and she said "sounds like you're nesting for this change". that struck me interesting because i'd never thought of it that way, but i really like the sound of that.

i got this new lunch box. it's called a planet box. i really wanted something that was an all in one tray that had separate little compartments for small portions of different things. this is exactly what i was imagining.

i don't really know what's going to happen in two months. brendan's work might be closing, so it's a definite possibility that éamon won't be going to daycare after all. he'll just stay home with dada. the question seems to be WHEN is it closing – august or december. we both feel ok about this, and we're both happy at the thought of éamon being at home with b. the timing is just a bit unclear, but i'm sure it'll work out and there's no sense in being anxious for certainty.

éamon's in a bit of a fussy phase since yesterday. he's just whining a lot and wants to be held all the time. it might be his teeth. he had another tooth cut through yesterday (the fourth this month!). he finally fell asleep. so i'm going to go enjoy some peace and quiet.

all the meals you rushed
– never tasted.

as much

i don't know about you... but there are times in my life when i just have so much to say that i end up saying nothing. vincent told me once that sometimes i say too much, and sometimes i say too little. i suppose this week i've fallen in the latter category.

let me just say a few things as bullets so that i feel slightly more up to speed, then i can start talking on other stuff.

• we had an amazing time in philly. it was a really good trip and i'm really glad we went there instead of cuba. i'll get back to our trip later.

• when we got back, we picked up a new couch that i'd found on kijiji, and i'm slowly adjusting to it. it's slightly more bulky than our previous couch, but it's quite soft and i quite like lounging on it. 

• most of my headspace has been taken up with sermon prep for tomorrow. i haven't preached in a year. i've been avoiding it largely because it weighs heavily on my mind, heart and energy. that said, since i've had rather short notice, i've been able to avoid that weight for an extended time.

• éamon's starting to scoot around and get into things. it's really fun. yesterday, he ate some of my pad thai and i felt super proud of him. there's really nothing he won't eat. while i'm enjoying this new stage, there is part of me who feels nostalgic for his young, more fragile, more stationery phase. 

• i've been thinking and chatting a lot lately about my future career wise. these discussions have been met with mixed responses. however, as i look towards the more near future, i've been trying to find creative ways of addressing the less appealing aspects of working life. surprisingly enough, i'm not dreading the early mornings. lately when i've been out or up early, i've enjoyed that special time of day. 

free to roam, made a home out of everywhere i've been.

cedar

well, we're heading out on our trip to philadelphia this morning. i'm pretty excited about it. there's part of me that feels it's a lot harder to drive your self somewhere than to just sit on a plane and let someone else take you there. but then on the other hand, we have a lot more freedom with what we bring, and a more flexible schedule. we've borrowed a GPS device, so i'm sure things will go smoothly.

it'll be nice to spend some time in a different place. it's not like i need a break from life here, but it's always energizing to see a different place and a different part of the world.

we haven't done a lot of trips where we need to bring a lot of supplies (food, games, equipment). and i feel like i'm still getting used to being the one responsible for all these things (rather than my parents or joy or someone else). it's exciting to not have someone taking care of me, but it's also a lot more work. now i have to pack for the baby and for me. it feels like a lot of responsibility, but i'll get used to it. it'll become the norm for travel.

i should go. i got up at 7 to get a bunch done, and i've just spent 18 minutes on the computer. i need to mentally aim at 8:30 if we're going to leave at 9.

now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

about

you know...
i've got to say...

after all the hype built up around 'sham wow's, i was expecting something more than just a think piece of felt.

but that said, it makes perfect sense. what else is such a great absorber.

newspapers

there are several occasions in life when one feels a greater awareness of their clothing...

• when returning from a trip from a warmer climate;

• after extensive amounts of naked time around the house;

• when wearing uncomfortable clothing;

• and, after someone accidentally sees you naked.

all i can say is that it was a close call. i'll classify it as horrifyingly embarrassing rather than full out humiliating :p next time, i won't be so quick to walk around the house naked without checking the curtains or, at the very least, if the coast is clear.

on another note, i want nick miller to make me a mixed cd.

everytime i look around
it's in my face.

traditionalist

i've been starting to think that maybe sometimes people don't change. or maybe what i should be saying, rather than "people" i should be more specific. i don't change. I don't. me.

every so often i feel really on top of things, specifically around the house. things are tidy, dishes are done with regularity, yada yada yada. and i feel liberated from my old ways. but there comes a day where i let one thing slide. i always figure that it's no big deal, it's just one thing. but things start to pile up and eventually, they slip for a few more days, so that eventually i'm back to square one, only it feels worse because i can still remember how good it feels to be tidy.

i'm currently in an upswing. but for the first time, i struck me that this most likely will not last, and i'll "suddenly" find myself stressed and frustrated by our messy house – probably sooner than i'm expecting.

today, i've felt overcome by stress. pretty much everything i could've stressed about, i did. i don't know if this was partly because i had some caffeinated tea, but i'm sure it didn't help (that said, it was tastey).

i was thinking about returning to work. and all things aside (missing my kid, having to get up early in the morning, having less time to manage our home), just considering me and the job, i realized that there's always been part of me that's resented my job. the commute, my unflexible work schedule, how it steals my time and energy, how i'm stuck indoors all day, how inactive i am, how i have to wear uncomfortable business-casual clothes. when i started at 23, i was unfamiliar with those struggles, and for 10 years i didn't know anything else. it was my only reality. i really don't want to resent how i spend my time – how i spend my life, for that matter. i'm really going to have to psyche myself up for round two.

i’ve gotta know… can we work it out?

fixed

i'm not what you'd call 'an early adapter', but neither am i a late adapter. i usually land somewhere in the middle. trying something new once it seems proven and i've heard good reviews from reputable people.

this past weekend i bought an eReader. i'm pretty excited about it. i felt reluctant because i like books. i like the smell of books, the feel of books, i like browsing through books at book stores, i like keeping books as mementos. so for all these reasons, and more, i was not interested in an eReader for a long time. until recently, when i was looking at our bookshelf full of books and thought we were running out of space. i started wondering if my nostalgic feeling towards books was really worth the trade off.

so i chose a kobo touch, and so far i really like it. it's actually really compatible with my current life style, because i always found reading a book while nursing was too difficult. éamon was always moving, his arms and legs would get in the way, i'd lose my place, i'd have to set down my book quickly and lose my page. but with the kobo, i can hold it in one hand, i can turn the page with the touch of a finger, i can put it down and pick it up again right where i left off, it's great. i'm very pleased. AND often times the eBook is cheaper than the paperback or hardcover.

needless so say, i've been doing a lot more reading these days. that, and the fact that i've reduced my time watching netflix. our internet bill was super big for february, and i was going to call and increase our bandwidth, but it turns out that's no longer necessary because of my reduced tv time :p yay for self-discipline!

i try, i've tried, i'm still trying

solar

when i was a kid, we lived in collins bay. our house was on clark crescent and it faced north. every spring, i'd watch the snow on all the other front lawns melt away, while we were stuck with a big pile of snow out front to gaze upon. thinking back, i spent a lot of time sitting, starring out that window, which is kind of surprising since there was very little foot traffic. this afternoon, éamon and i popped out our front door to check the mail and i was surprised to see that almost our entire garden was free from snow, and yet the house across the street is still covered. it's nice to be on the sunny side for a change.

the sun is coming up.

pick

for some reason, today i started feeling very excited for éamon about daycare. i think he's going to do well there, will learn a lot and make friends. i feel confident about this new adventure. it's also nice because this optimistic feeling isn't coming from a jaded place in me. it's not like i'm sick of him, because i'm not. i just feel encouraged that it'll be a good change for us.

with the worry of daycare off my shoulders, i don't dread returning to work in july. i love the freedom i have now – a loose schedule, a loose bedtime, a loose wake-up time, not being in a hurry, getting to do whatever i want. but thankfully, as far as work goes, i like my job, and for the most part, i'll be happy to be there.

in july, we'll begin a new normal that will last for several years. the thought of diving into that new routine seems appealing. that said, i will reach a point when the novelty wears off, and it'll start to feel daunting. but i think i'll do a better job at protecting my time and energy, because i know how much better i feel when i'm not stretched thin.

my main regret is how far away my office is. i want to find a way to use that time well. or perhaps to even find out if it's possible to use my commute in a better way. what can be done with 23 minutes of sleepy-tired driving in the morning, followed by 23 minutes of work-tired driving in the late afternoon?

darling,
i'll be waiting here until these days are through,
and then i'll work some more.

holder

for some reason i'm growing tired of facebook. actually, tired isn't quite the right word, more like weary. it's not facebook itself, but i kind of miss the days when people had actual status updates rather opinion pieces. i didn't ask, nor do i care, why are you telling me this. what i am interested in is what you're up to lately.

i'm also a little increasingly uncomfortable when it seems a person is using facebook to fill some kind of emotional need. i think everyone has a legitimate need for connection and community, but it strikes me as sad when facebook is (or appears to be) the only means of relationship. i've seen people put extremely personal information (such as details of marital strife) on facebook, and it made me so sad because that's the kind of info that should be shared with close friends or family, not 260+ of your closest acquaintances.

and i think it also troubles me that i compulsively check my facebook (without conscious intention), even though there's never really that many updates in the course of a couple hours. yesterday i didn't check it all day until evening (which was what i'd do while working), and i was caught up in a matter of minutes, so it's really not necessary for me to check it so often.

all of this said, i think it's better for me to put a little distances between this tool that can both amuse and irritate me. during the lenten season, i decided to put restrictions on my use of netflix. maternity leave + nursing + netflix = a lot of wasted time. when i was a kid, my mom would let us watch an 1.5 hours of tv a day, and would regularly tell us that she'd rather we used our imagination, which i value. i don't really know how much time i was spending watching netflix, but i can be sure that i wasn't using my imagination or other forms of creativity or activities that i value. so i'm reverting to my childhood rules around tv, and have already found this a very rewarding discipline. i've been reading, praying, reflecting, and in general managing my time much better. so i think i'll keep to this schedule come easter.

i will not be a victim of circumstance.

mandolin

even though i shouldn't be surprised, i was struck today when i realized by how conversations with my girl-friends have changed. five years ago, while sharing a meal with friends, the conversation would've been about dating and men. but today, during brunch with shannon and scarlete, we talked about babies and finances. i suppose it's natural for discussions to evolve with life circumstances, but it still amused me some. it just emphasized that we're growing, changing and maturing into adults.

i'm sure i've mentioned this before, but spring always feels like my season. what i mean by that is that i feel so much more comfortable in my body and so liberated in general that it's a season i feel able to really thrive in. this afternoon, i left éamon at home with brendan and headed down to the grocery store. i was wearing my spring/fall vest, new pants (which are 3 sizes smaller than what i had been wearing), and a new bag that arrived today from etsy. i don't know if it was the freedom of my winter jacket, the fact that my pants fit me and didn't sag or bunch, or just the excitement of my long-awaited bag, but i was reminded of what it's like to be streamline and to feel good in my own skin. i feel like i've really come into my own. it's encouraging. plus, even though i know we still have a few weeks left of winter, these pockets of spring-like weather here and there will definitely get me through :)

i bought this ben howard album last spring. i remember not getting as hooked on it as i'd expected myself to at the time. there was part of me that wondered if my timing was just off and that i might've connected with it better in another season of my life. it seems that season is now. i'm hooked on it like it was brand new. it's funny how that is sometimes.

the river's cracked and cold.

the worst!

i'm still coming down from an upsetting incident this afternoon. so i thought i'd tell you about it so that i might feel a little better. to begin with, i'll just say that i got scammed.

this afternoon, while i was in the middle of making myself a salad, the phone rang. i was only really half listening when a man with a thick accent told me that he was calling from visa and that i'd been selected for a lower interest rate because of my credit history. i've always made a point of paying my credit card off each month so that i never have to pay interest, but whenever visa offers me perks because of my credit history i always accepted. so i was like, "ok", which then began a long back and forth of me confirming my identity with security questions, etc. it didn't take long for me to become frustrated because i was just about to eat and this guy was making me read the visa phone number off the back of my card (which i thought was weird, but now realize that was the first clue). while i was trying to get my credit card out of my wallet, i accidentally hit end, and he called back right away and defensively saying "why did you hang up on me?". in hindsight, his persistence and, at times, rude behaviour shouldn't been an indication that something wasn't right. actually, his poor grasp of the english language should've also been a tip off for me, because visa's operators are always clear and well spoken. 

he was soon badgering me for my credit card number so he could look up my account. i kept protesting, and even started to ask for his supervisor. but when he was able to tell me what my last payment was and for how much, as well as other information like my current credit limit, i became more trusting and did regrettably tell him my credit card number. but thankfully, i each time he repeated it back to me, it was always a few digits off, so i'm not sure if he really had it in the end. i really put up a fight all the way through our phone call, and kept saying i didn't want to give him the information he was asking for, but he kept displaying my hesitation and made me seem unreasonable. i suppose one of the main tricks of a shyster is to make you doubt yourself.

when he told me that they were going to charge me a one-time fee of $400 to lower my interest rate to 6%, i told him 'no way'. i demanded that he not proceed and that i didn't want, nor need a lower interest rate. then he started saying i needed to give him my email and facebook information so he could remove the charges, which i knew was B.S. so i hung up and called the customer service line. i was calling to complain (i had my suspicions that something wasn't right, but he'd provided some tangible reasons to believe him. i was very confused by the whole interaction). as soon as i told a portion of the story to the visa customer care rep, she told me that it was a scam and they were going to cancel my card right away. she also told me to cancel my email account too, which i didn't know how to do that, and i have lots of important (to me) emails. but when i spoke to someone in their security department she said that simply changing my password should be enough.

i called brendan as soon as i got off the phone with visa and immediately started crying. it's interesting that i was able to keep it together until i talked to him. before that my emotions came out in different ways, like aggression or talking fast. b could hardly understand what i was saying because of my blubbering, but he managed to calm me down. i'm hoping this is all behind me and that we (visa and i) caught it before my identity was stolen. i suppose it could've been worse, i didn't give out my SIN or my banking information. but i still felt so stupid. i'm not an overly trusting person, but he provided enough information to seem legit and he confused me enough through our back and forth dialogue. this whole thing really ruined my day.

the dark is light enough to see the ignorance of greed.

splash

when joy and tim bought a chest freezer, they said it made them feel like they were officially grown-ups. every so often they tease me and say i'm not a grown-up because i don't have a deep freeze, and i never argue with them about it, because i don't feel like a grown-up. or at least i didn't, now i do.

today i cried.
i cried when i realized i was a grown-up, and from here on in, things would be different.

i cried because it came out of no where, for the most unexpected reason.

i didn't feel like a grown-up when i got my first car, or when i got my job, or when i got my very own apartment, or when i traveled alone for the first time, or when we got married, or when we bought a house, or when we had a baby. i still felt like myself. like my life was my own, and i was happy with each new step.

but today, i knew i'd reached adulthood, when i realized that having this second car meant we couldn't take a trip to the caribbean. i knew i was a grown-up when i recognized that i couldn't do the fun thing, but had to do the responsible thing. it's not even that we can't go south, but it's that we shouldn't because we have other, more important things we need to spend that money on.

we got our new-to-us car on monday, and twice this week it wouldn't start in the morning. plus, we had to pay for the safety today, and the total came $666 – which i'm hoping is not a bad omen. i guess it helps that i know we need this car (i have no doubt about that), but that also kind of makes it harder. i'm used to being able to find away to do both, but i can't this time. and so i cried. i cried as a way of letting go. i cried as a way to mourn my old way of life (maybe even my carefree youth). i cried as i recognized the loss of part of my identity. i cried because deep down i thought i'd be able to avoid "settling down". i cried because it caught me off guard.

now, with that behind me, i can adjust my expectations and find a way to be the adult version of lesley. instead of going to the caribbean, we're taking a roadtrip to philadelphia for 5 days. and i'm happy to say, i'm really excited about it. we'll be able to keep it simple, but also get to see and do some cool things. i have said in the past that we'll do more north america travel once we have kids. i guess i thought that wouldn't be until they were a little older. i really wanted to take a trip to the caribbean to prove to myself that i'm the same as i used to be, and that my baby hasn't turned me into a fuddy-duddy. which is dumb, AND a terrible reason for doing something. as brendan pointed out, trying to maintain my 'freedom' would just make me super irresponsible, and it wouldn't be good.

i guess circumstances catch up to you at some point. i just don't know how to identify with this new phase in my life. i guess i'll figure it out as i go, just like everyone else.

think of all the roads,
think of all their crossings.

chap

last night i went to bed feeling pretty discouraged about my physical self. dissatisfied with lots of different things – i need a haircut; my baby tooth is super close to falling out, but we don't have the funds to do anything about the toothless gap; after losing 7 pounds, i seem to be stuck at a plateau; yada yada yada. as i lied in bed, curled up to get warm, i thought about how girls in their teens and 20s, complain about their bodies, but are most likely in great shape – better shape than they'll be when they're older. i dunno, maybe that's not the case with everyone, but it was the case with me. it's silly that we always find flaws to fixate on. i was still feeling discouraged this morning when i got up. so i chose to make small gestures that would make me feel nice, as well as comfortable (comfort helps minimize feelings of awkward bulkiness). i felt a little better today. it's easy to get discouraged.

this afternoon we went for a tour of the daycare we'd like éamon to go to. it's just at the end of our street, and our niece goes there. it's interesting because i used to work at a daycare in highschool (as an after-school job). i usually take that experience for granted and forget that it's not assumed that i'm familiar with that environment. so it was interesting to have that comparison when touring the facility. we liked it. it's like a large house, which is cool. and we saw audrey, as well as noah and cambria, so that was fun. when the tour was finished the lady told me to call back in a month to find out if they have an available place for him. but then she called me a couple hours later to let me know that they did have room if we wanted it. so that's great! every so often, i get upset when i think about only getting to spend 4 hours a day with him. it's best not to think of it that way, because it seems bleak. now that we've seen the centre, i feel more comfortable about it. i think it'll be a good place for him, and us too.

i think i bought the moon.

turn

i think there's a bit of a social epidemic going around. i don't know if it's just my social circle, but it seems that every conversation i have, involves someone being worried about what other people would think of their personal life decisions – where they shop, how they parent, how green they are, what form of birth control they use, what church they go to. truth be told (and i mean this most sincerely), i'm sick of it! it's so unfair that women are feeling this way.

besides the fact that it's sad that people are feeling guilty because of imagined judgement (i say imagined because in most of these cases, no one has actually confronted them about their decisions). people shouldn't feel that they need to hide their choices from their friends – friends should be supportive! and they really shouldn't feel a need to hide their choices from strangers – who cares what strangers think!

i'm quite convinced that when a person is self-conscious of their decisions, it's because they still have some doubts in their mind. but for whatever reason (circumstances or limitations – whether financial, physical, time, energy, etc) this is the best solution they've come up with. i feel like sometimes we just have to trust each others judgement, instead of presuming we know better. it's so much easier being different when we're confident in our choices.

i also think it's way easier facing perceived judgment if we're transparent. often times, if i'm confused by another person's choices, their explanation can really shed light on the situation and i end up supportive of their decision. so let's be frank and forthright, instead of letting people speculate and jump to conclusions.

i don't know about you, but i'm going to take a bow, and not play that game anymore :)

so for the record...

• my kid has a soother. he doesn't use it a lot, mostly when we're out or when he's sleeping. i'm 100% ok with this.

• we're getting a second car. it's a gift from my father-in-law, brendan needs it for his job. you're welcome to borrow it outside of work hours.

• éamon sleeps in a crib. i'm glad. it means at the end of the day, we get to just be brendan+lesley. PLUS, i often wake up in the night, freaked out that our baby has gotten tangled in the sheets, but he's always fast asleep in his own bed.

• i usually flush the toilet, even when it's yellow. pee is stinky.

• i don't exclusively buy ethical meat. it's my ideal, but not always my reality. when i'm heading home, with my 19lb baby strapped to my chest, and i'm already at metro, it just doesn't make sense to walk 5 blocks out of my way, when i'm tired and just need to get home.

so that's that :) no one's perfect, and i don't expect it from anyone else.

the sun is out, the day is new.

vin

on the bus today, i sat in special seating area reserved for people with wheelchairs, strollers, walkers, etc. at first i started sitting there because i thought that people with special needs (including people with babies) were the folks those seats were intended for. but the sign actually says "reserved for people with mobility aid devices". i consider my baby carrier a mobility aid. anyways, so i was sitting there and this lady got on the bus. after she sat down i noticed that she was glaring at me. it was really awkward, but i told myself that maybe she didn't notice my baby (i'm wearing him in a hiking carrier these days because he's getting heavy). she kept staring at me, but i told myself not to be scared or worried. so i decided not to avoid her gaze, but to look back at her. so i did, but she neither broke her look away, nor did she speak. i started with a smile – nothing, so i tried saying 'hi'. then she started talking to me and was friendly and asked me all sorts of questions. in the end, it wasn't that she was angry that i was sitting in the reserved seating area, but that she was a troubled person and she was just staring.

on occasion i think that becoming a mom has matured me, or i've learned this or that. but then, i slip back into old habits of laziness and poor time management or negative self talk and being too hard on myself. and i realize i still have a long way to go.

taking steps is easy
standing still is hard.