miles from home

i just saw beckie off to montreal at the train station. it was bittersweet. i enjoyed good/girly conversation up to the last minute. i'm going to miss her loads.

i'm not one for new year's resolutions... wait, no i don't want to put myself in a box. i've never set a new year's resolution before, but today i thought to myself "i would like to be on-time for church for now on". so i suppose that means in the new year. i also want to be increasingly conscious of not being wasteful. this will also involve being more creative with my eating. i can eat cleverly, it'll just require more thought.

anyway, let me get to the main point of this entry. i've been looking forward to this for the last month. a time to reflect on 2006. the highs and lows. the surprises and changes. i want to lay it all out, so i can look at it and realize "HEY! this was a good year." i think more happened than i thought. for my ownsake... here's my year in a nutshell:

• had my first business trip
• went to pittsburgh (ok those two are the same event, but significant for 2 different reasons)
• got my nose pierced
• mayelin had her baby!
• went to nyc with the girls
• got my nose pierced AGAIN!
• reached my goal weight
• said good-bye to pirates cove
• said hello to the maxi-pad
• april & mayelin left bombardier
• went to ottawa with the lovells
• spent the summer with vincent the crazy frenchman
• went on a road trip to an anti-conference with garry & brandon
• made the sleepless goat my favourite hangout place
• saw several friends move to crazy far-off places
• started a new season of living room
• discovered a taste for video editing
• went camping with my whole family (my dad included)
• got a promotion (now an intermediate graphic designer)
• made some good friends
• lost one of my best friends
• went to KENYA
• got new glasses
• had my heart crushed repeatedly by the same crush
• attended my first tradeshow in toronto
• experienced a new era at next with the inception of rustle
• my grandma died

this HAS been a good year for me. perhaps i should stop looking back on each year to see what's changed and instead looked back to see all that i've accomplished. this year i learned a lot. sometimes it hurt, sometimes it stung. but i would have to say i discovered what was truly important to me and what things i'm willing to be patient for. i'm convinced more than ever everything happens at the right time and while we wait we need to be enjoying what we have. i'm hoping 2007 will bring with it the resolution of unresolved issues and the return of my far off friends. i lonesome for my kindred-spirit wearing doc martins.

i'm excited more than i thought i could be.
2007: the year of non-change but loads of adventures.
just waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting me.

a long december and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.

victorian

what to say? what... to... say...

i spent a lovely day with beckie. i was thinking out nice it is to spend the whole day with a friend. it was very enjoyable and relaxing. we had some very interesting conversations to say the least.

i am a 27-year-old woman who wears idiot strings on her mitts, or "forget me knots" as modern primative calls them.

i have this phobia about calendars. well not so much a phobia but a complex or irrational weirdness. basically this involves me not liking to mark peoples birthdays on it in advance. this is the result of writing in peoples names then experiencing a falling out with them and then having to see their names displayed. it feels like my calendar is mocking me.

well the snow has arrived. i wonder if it will stay. as much as i hate the cold, i know its best for the world's health that it reach appropriate lows. i'd forgotten how awful it is to be cold. i knew i hated it, but really forgot what it was like to experience it. thankfully i recoginize that it won't last forever, so i'll try to focus on that. i much prefer the hot & humid weather.

the necklace that i've been wearing for over 10 years broke yesterday. that's amazingly ironic since buddy pointed out just the other day that i've been wearing it forever. anyway, i noticed it lying on my bag yesterday at the goat. i was SO relieved to realize it had fallen off and that it didn't just break while i walked down princess street. so i went out today and bought a new chain for it. i think i like the chain, it was more the pendant that was significant to me. its a dove and it belonged to my mom ages ago. i'd guess its at least 40 years old. the new chain is extremely shiney and it will take some getting used to. i'm hoping it will tarnish extremely fast. in the meantime, i hope its not distractly sparkly. it makes me feel like i'm trying too hard.

so many goldfish to feed.

rank

i actually had a lot to say yesterday but i was so tired and i didn't want to just write an entry out of obligation.

speaking of obligation, i had to help my dad move today. he's been working very hard, making loads of trips but was so tired that he felt like crying. i felt really badly for him so i told him to have a lie down and i would go to the store and get him some drapes and whatnot. before arriving at his place i had such a rotten attitude. i just wanted to bum out and have a relaxing holiday day, but i knew the right thing to do was to help him. i thought "when i look back, what will be more important that i bummed out or that i was there for my dad when he needed my help?" in the past, i've often made the wrong decision – going for what i wanted at the moment then later regretted my choice. well anyway, in the end we made a lot of progress and its looking good. for the first time in my life i felt i was taking care of him. i was a good daughter today.

thankfully i still got the chance to hang out with beckie and melissa this evening.

so i bought some new wooden hoops at modern primative the other day. and the gave me ear infections. it totally sucks. i peroxided my ears and the sticks so i hope that helps because i really like them and want to keep wearing them. i find it interesting looking in the mirror and seeing this girl looking back. i'm becoming increasingly girly. i like being a woman.

i've concluded that what i don't know might upset me, so its better that i don't know. this is a adaptation to the known saying "what they don't know can't hurt them". i remember my mom saying she'd never read my journal because she wouldn't want to read something private. i love that she respects my privacy that way. not all parents are like that. i can understand her logic. because sometimes things just upset us for no good reason, its not worth it if it doesn't better a situation.

tell me... why do we turn down the volume when we need to smell something?

ok well i think i'll go eat some cheese and watch some late night tv, just because i can ;)

you can't stay mad at the setting sun.

vulcan

ok... who is the person who keeps searching for my blog by its full name via google?? its showing up as edmonton but that doesn't necessarily mean they're in alberta. its someone who's using telus. hmmmm???

anyway, i had a lovely day. i got together with buddy and jess for lunch then we strolled the streets of k-town. i got some big hoop wooden earrings. i'd been wanting to get some for a little while, but today, on my WALK downtown i realized my ears were naked, so it was a good excuse. oh, and yes, i walked! the downside of that is i needed beckie to give me a drive home since i spend the evening with her & melissa and i don't like to walk in the dark.

i got thinking today that it would be neat to ask people to write in a book where they think they'll be in ten years, then pull it out again in 2016 and see how close the guesses were. melissa, beckie and i sat around this evening trying to guess how our lives will have changed in one years time. i have to say, i expect pretty much everything to be exactly the same. i can't even begin to imagine what exciting things might happen. when it comes down to it, its all up to me, what ever adventures i have are up to me, but for once in my life i seem to lack the ability to dream big. i'm really going to have to seriously consider... what are my hearts desires?

i think i prefer things that suprise me. things that i look back on and think "and imagine... a year ago, i had no idea this was going to happen!".

life is weird. that's all i really know for sure.

you know... buddy and i established today that only one of our friends from highschool has kids and she's a mormon so that sort of explains that. a lot of them are married or in serious relationships, but no babies. i kind of like that. it just feels that inspite of everything, not THAT much has changed. i had a really fun time hanging out with you and jess today! hope you enjoy the rest of your visit :D

i should go to bed. i'm spending the day with little man lovell tomorrow.

we've all had a bumpy ride.

doolittle

its amazing.... oh, back plot then i'll get back to this...

we watched "the last kiss" tonight at rhonda's. it was so nice just hangin' out as a group of friends. i'd have to say it's the most anti-romance i've ever seen. i've never seen a movie that made me more apprehensive towards relationships. anyway...

its amazing because it talked about how it doesn't matter if you say you love someone, or even if you feel like you love them. its how you treat them that really matters. its the true indicator of your feelings. i've been thinking about that lot lately. i don't want to be told hollow words. i don't want to hear fleeting feelings. words mean nothing. i'm not cynical. i'm open-eyed.

holy crap, i've also never seen a movie with such explict sexual content. holy crap!

well anyway... i had a really nice and lovely christmas. it was very nice. i love my family. being away has made fru SLIGHTLY insane, i hope he returns to normal asap.

sometimes i feel we need a road map to decipher what's going on. some kind of legend to explain the minds of men.

it feels complete once i've told you.

i ain't nothing but a dream.

excelsis deo

well its christmas eve and its 5º C. weird.

i enjoyed a great gathering at next this morning. i belted out those christmas carols with vigor. i'm all about the birth of christ. i appreciated that garry spoke truth, that christmas is not magical time of year. and the fact that there's so much pressure for people to be happy makes everyone misrable. there are so many people who are isolated and unable to be with their families. and so many other people who are with their families and wish they could be just about anywhere else. down with preconceived notions! out with the artificial!!

i was just preparing joelle's tickle trunk. i vacuumed it out, then hammered off the fixtures. i didn't want there to be any possibilities for her or her little friends to get locked inside.

twice today i had instances where i wish i had a cell phone. i think i'm going to cave and get one. but i refuse to be one of those people who talks on a cell phone instead of the people their with. melinda calls hers a "handy", i find that very clever for several reasons. i'll call mine a handy too.

i've decided in light of the extremely warm weather, that i am going to walk more often. yes, this will take more time, but i'll have to get used to it. i'm WAY to accustomed to having things instantly. being places instantly. and really, life is not actually like that. and by creating a instant society we are slowly killing our planet. i've owned a car since i was 19 years old, i think that's probably why i walk less of anyone i know. i've never had to. oh, and plus, when i was 11 i got totally paranoid that i was going to be kidnapped, so i still don't like walking alone at night. i'll probably continue to drive if it involves me walking home alone at night. i don't mind so much in the summer, but in the winter its scary AND cold.

i should probably pack because i'm leaving for joy's in a half-hour and will be staying over night til boxing day.

till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

fruton

i've had a nice start to my holiday. i had a good day. hung-out with my dad for a bit this afternoon. worked on the standard. went skating in market square this evening. fun fun fun.

i realized yesterday, i am the only person in my family with a full-time job. oh how the tables have turned :p

tonight i got completely paranoid as i left for the evening that my house was going to burn down. sometimes i get these crazy notions in my head and they naw at me. it all started because i left the light on in my room and my new red curtains created an orange glow. i don't claim to be a rational person.

this afternoon i found myself singing christmas carols in the shower. that is so strange since i NEVER sing in the shower and because i've been really bah-hum-buggy this christmas. however, i couldn't stop myself from belting out "joy to the world" and after i'd finished all the verses i could remember i just ab-libbed with blah-blahs and nah-nahs. i sure hope my neighbours weren't home, because they would have totally overheard my performance. it was quite amusing, even for just me.

i would have to say, melinda is the best maker of mixed tapes i have ever known.

what once was hurt,
what once was friction,
what left a mark,
no longer stings...
because grace makes beauty
out of ugly things.

safety pin

i was given the task of getting joelle some dress-up clothes for christmas. this evening i went to value village (per joy's instructed) and found her an assortment. the only thing i didn't manage to find that i know we loved as kids were some shoes or boots. although, i only got about 4 or 5 skirts/dresses, BECAUSE i came across a trunk. so i've bought her a "tickle trunk" like mr. dress-up. if any of you have some clothes you'd like to get rid of that you think a 3 year old and some little girl friends might enjoy, please be in touch :) i'm going to go thru the 2 bags of clothes i have stored at my mom's place.

i went to value village in search of some curtains for my dad, but came out with curtains for myself. they're really quite beautiful. they're for my bedroom and my utility space. they're red. i'm starting to wonder if i have too much red in my house. i used to always lean towards blues and greens, but i was trying to break that trend. i also really like how warm red is. the fabric i selected for my kitchen chairs are also a burgundy. see?? red. it has little retro flowers on it :D

if we have to manipulate something to get our own way, maybe we just shouldn't have it. mental note: if i start manipulating, time to stop.

well i'm officially on vacation. nice. although, i have a bunch to do tomorrow and i'm kicking myself for leaving the standard to the last minute. whoopsy. i should go to bed. its pretty late. i want to sleep in AND get lots done. good luck les :p

leave your things behind.

postcard

i managed to get the morning off work and went out for breakfast with beckie. this isn't usually an option, but they'd still not paid me for my overtime, so i took the time off instead. it was really nice and relaxing. it felt like a saturday, so i'm all disoriented and keep forgetting i have to go to work tomorrow.

tonight a group of us were going to go to the grad club for this salvation army benefit show, but it was sold out. so instead we went to the brew pub then later retired to the forbes' to watch "a christmas story". i'd never seen it before, but it always reminds me of jay ;) it was pretty amusing, i can understand why its a cult-classic.

ah, tomorrow is my last day before my holidays. it should be a pretty busy day, i'm glad about that. i've concluded i prefer being busy. i stink at time management. i'm very deadline oriented, just as i'm goal oriented. you give me a deadline and i'll most likely meet it, i just can't stick to my own deadlines. time is not my friend.

i'm wearing some new earrings that beckie brought me from baffin island and the necklace laney got me in mexico and the belt/hair scarf sarah made me (i think she made it). heck, i'm also wearing the ring melinda bought me in italy. i'm very cosmopolitan today :) i like the weight of this necklace on my chest. i can't explain it, i just really do.

this is all i know.

black dog

my firefox just froze and i lost everything i'd written in my whole entry. i'm all pissed off about it, because i can't remember how i worded everything and it was such an easy entry, i was done in like 10 minutes. argh! in order to get sweet revenge on firefox i'll persevere.

beckie has arrived back from the artic and i just spend a lovely evening with her and melissa. i can't express how nice it was to be with them, it did my heart good. i've missed beckie a lot, but its funny... i was telling dave ferrence this afternoon that she was arriving home, and that it would feel like she never left. its true too, we talk every day on msn, we email most days, and of course we read each others blogs. so we're pretty up-to-speed on each others lives.

some people shave off their beards and sit around in coffee shops.

i bumped into tim at the grocery store. it struck me as unusual how we could just pick up our conversation as naturally as if we were in my mom's living room. he was scowering the aisles in search of cornstarch. when i lived on pine street, we had FOUR boxes of cornstarch, so the concept of buying constarch is very foreign to me. seriously, the day i need to buy another box of cornstarch is the day i... buy box of cornstarch. hm, i sure wish i'd been able to come up with a clever or witty way of finishing that sentence. anyway, i helped him locate it then we went on our merry ways. once i picked up my items i was surprised to see he was still in the store, waiting in line at the other end of the row of tills. after i paid and was heading to the door, i noticed he was STILL there. so in typical youngest sister form i called out to him "hey tim! i'm done before you!" then left laughing at him. hahaha.

when i was in highschool, my friend mandy and i had a number of games to keep us entertained. "backwards day" "perpendicular line day" "the eye-contact game". the eye-contact game involved us seeing how many times in one day we could get eye-contact with the guy we liked (to clarify not the same guy, we both liked a different guy). this was challenging and bold. it was actually quite difficult. i think we underestimate the significance of eye-contact. think about it. at least i do. its a power thing.

but you know i'm not such a bad seed.

nuts

melinda reminded me tonight not to take everything so personally. she has a good point. when you combine that with my ability to twist people's words its a bad scene.

my letter of rejection hasn't arrived yet.

i stopped by the forbes' earlier and al showed up when i was there. which was so ironic since i was just saying today that i hoped to see him soon. i miss that crazy guy.

yesterday when i was at the Y, i was lying on the bench in the changing room (which is against my rules because i've seen naked ladies sit on those things), i'd not yet changed into my gym clothes. i had my arm over my eyes. just thinking. i was feeling kind of crappy, just needed a moment. the changing room started to fill up with a group of ladies who'd just finished a spin class so i sat up. one of the ladies said to me "are you alright? do you need me to get a..." i assured her i was fine. i was surprised that she'd approached me. can't a person just have a moment?? on the other hand, it was very thoughtful of her. i could have been ill. well i was KINDA ill. mentally ill. hahaha. not really, but we all have those days.

i remember teaching this girl sarah to drive stick. i've taught at least 3 people to drive standard. i'm a pretty good teacher, not too tense. with sarah, i remember specifically thinking "if there's a chance she will eventually get into an accident in my car, the more times she drives it the more likely it is that she'll crash". its like with each drive she got closer to the inevitable accident. i think i'm just thinking about this because i wonder if i'm pushing my luck. the past doesn't prove the future. at what point will i cross the line? am i nearing the last straw?

i'm feeling unusually tired. so i'm going to start getting ready for bed.

YAY BECKIE IS HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!! woo-hoo!

where are we?
what the hell is going on?

ornament

i am currently streaking my hair purple. actually, its more like a section or a stripe. i hope i like how it turns out.

this has been an emotional day. i hate crying at work. its embarrassing. my face doesn't hide the presence of tears very well. it gets puffy, red, blotchy and my eyes get glassy. oh well, on my second day as a 27 year old i'm reminded that i'm high-maintenance.

i feel like i'm preparing my "it was an honour just to be nominated" speech. i wish i was stoic and could hide how i feel. i think i'm about to be "let down gently", i'll be told "you're a really super girl... but...". oh well, that's what i get for not being able to contain myself.

well i just washed my hair and blew dry it. i think i like it. i'm glad i did it. i'm curious to see how it'll be in the morning light.

i guess that's all i have to say. i'm going to head for bed before the guillotine drops.

won't you come on down to the freak show?

honey

well there she is.

christmas 1981.
i like this pic, you can really clearly see my scar.

today i turned 27. it aches a little, but i'll survive. i think ANOTHER reason why this is a particularly difficult age to turn is because there were certain milestones i thought i'd reach by now. what i find most puzzling is that i wouldn't change a thing. so why does it still bother me?

so that's me. that picture. that's who i am. i'm just a little girl inside. i'm scarred and vulenerable. and a little clueless.

my dad called this morning to wish me a happy birthday. he said "its much milder today than the day you were born". its true. it was soo cold that night, and my dad forgot to plug in the car so it wouldn't start. they had to call some friends for a drive to the hospital in the middle of the night.

i had a nice day. i went to church then joined my family at the lonestar for lunch. rhonda and isaac came too. it was nice. my mom freaked me out a bit at first because she brought me a rose and a gift. i completely over-reacted and said "MOM GET THAT OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANT THEM TO SING FOR ME!!" last year i got caught and they made me stand and where something on my head. i couldn't see it. but i didn't like it.

my mom gave me a copy of velvet elvis. i'd asked for it. a lot of people had offered to lend it to me, but i wanted my own copy. she'd called me all confused last week "i called the store, they said they only have it in book form, i thought it was a cd". i returned her call to say "IT IS A BOOK"! however, i did state for the record today that it IS true, that i've never asked for a book before and i'm not in the habit of reading non-fiction books.

this evening was the living room christmas party. it was nice. i had a really fun time. we had a good crowd, i'm glad everyone came.

there's a song by bran van 3000 that says "what the hell am i doing drinking in LA at 26". my thoughts were always "what the hell am i NOT doing drinking in LA at 26". so my plan was to go to california when i was 26 to go drinking. that didn't happen. but i feel ok about that. i went to kenya instead. and that's not too shabby.

all in all, my 26th year was a good one. i was telling catherine tonight that i almost feel due for a crappy year. i hope it doesn't actually work like that. if experience has taught me anything, its that things get better with time. so upwards and onwards.

after all you're young,
you're lethal and young.

clip board

its 11:26 on my birthday eve. i MUST be IN bed before midnight. i get weirded out if i witness it turning my birthday. i'm crazy and neurotic, adhering to that rule minimises my anxiety.

i've had a lovely day. i got up early and had melissa over for breakfast. heeheehee. it was nice. and simple too! i like her company. she's so sweet and... wholesome? she's a good influence on me. anyway, after that she went christmas shopping with me. we got a lot done and had a pleasant relaxing time too.

after we parted ways i went to the goat to have a pot of tea and a brownie while reading. to my disappointment, my brownie was kind of dry :( i'm reading "the lives of girls and women". oh! i finished my other book! first book i've finished since august. this is a thin book and i hope to complete it as well. i love the title. talk about something i can relate to. mine is a life of a woman and a girl.

when i got home, it was still quite early and i was feeling rather motivated so i addressed some packages to be sent overseas, took them to the post-office, then did some more xmas shopping. i feel good about this because i've been meaning to send those packages for 2 months now. but the best news of all??? i got my christmas shopping DONE!!! and then!!! get this... i WRAPPED EVERYTHING TOO!!! wow-wee. incredible. i have NEVER been so on the ball.

this evening i did a little babysitting at the olding's house. joelle & caleb are at such a great age where they're both kids (not babies) and yet are still pre-school. adorable. i won't talk in detail because i realize most people don't find other peoples kids as enchanting as their own. however, i will tell you that when i got to their house tonight joelle blurts out "lesley we maked you a cake!" joy just rolled her eyes because that was supposed to be a surprise. hahaha.

this is my last night being 26. thinking about it too much makes it hard to breathe. i don't really expect anyone to understand this, but i would like you to know its not a fear of aging as much as a fear of change. tomorrow i'll wake up and be well adjusted. at least that's what usually happens and i'm hoping for a repeat again this year. i'm sure i'll love being 27.

oh crap. it's 11:49. i've gotta go.

we can drive around with the top down.

crash

i love:
• leaving work early
• dancing in my bedroom
• random visits from friends
• emails from whatshisface
• birthday presents
• postcards
• good hairdays
• having a clean house
• lists
• being free from looming tasks
• internet snooping

have you ever thought about fear before? there are some fears that freak me out and make me want to run away from things that are good and valuable. there are other fears... things i'm afraid that i'll become or relive. so in a sense fear can both rob and motivation us. i'm afraid of growing into someone i don't want to be, but its my hope that because i fear it i will be able to avoid that. but also that i have friends and family who will keep me on the right track. i need to overcome my irrational fears. the fears that are spurred on by insecurity.

lately i've found it very difficult to enjoy "alone time". i used to crave time by myself, but somethings changed and i find myself at a loss when i have an evening alone. this bothers me. and as i sat here early evening feeling edgy and uncomfortable with the prospect of having no plans, i decided to make the most of it. play loud music. dance around. do some writing. do some drawing. watch a movie. do some knitting. call a friend. and you know what? i quite enjoyed myself. i need to give myself a kick in the ass more often.

why are our self-identities so easily lost? they shouldn't be something that is here one day and gone the next. i dunno. maybe its has something to do with the fact that we're constantly changing, but our conscious selves are slow in catching on.

well this concludes another entry. good night and good luck.

never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism.

uvula

i started off my morning extremely grumpy and cranky. and throughout the day i felt as though my dysfunction was leaking. the skeletons in my closet were trying to escape. some where between 4:30 and 6:30 i regained my sanity. and now i look back with rose coloured glasses and think "oh, what a lovely day". bizarre.

they gave us our annual christmas turkeys today. its a 20 lb turkey. the first year i thought to myself "what AM I going to do with a frozen turkey?!?!" but then i realized i'm a part of a family and we ate it for our christmas dinner. its a nice gesture really. last year joy and tim forgot to defrost it in advance so it had to soak in hot water all day. i teased them saying next year i'd remind them. but then i realized just last week... its MY blinkin' turkey! i should take responsibility for defrosting it! so that's what i'm going to do. amazing how we mature with age.

i have an uncanny ability to twist peoples words. its pretty terrible actually. and i usually know when i'm doing it but can't stop myself. i'm thankful for friends who talk me back into reality.

i'm thirsty and tired and still can't figure out if i have a cold or not. i'm just so tired. i was only semi-conscious for most of the day. aside from that i learned a lot today about geography and the human body. two complex and astounding organisms.

now i need to go to bed before i get so tired that i throw-up.

if you go there, go with me.

toxic

i've been feeling ill and tired most of the evening. i just realized i've been napping on the couch for the last hour so i might as well just go to bed.

i have a lot on my mind lately. i've been spending the last few weeks watching a loved one watching her loved one dying. everyone has been very kind and supportive to her, but i'm afraid people often miss the mark with their good intentions. so many people have told her "if you need anything don't hestitate to call". that is very kind, but it isn't good enough. people who are grieving, depressed or suicidal just don't have it in them to take that step, even when its been offered.

i've been feeling slightly clausterphobic lately. when i feel that my whole life is my cube i feel suffocated. this is my brain telling me "you've got to get out more". or at least have people in more. but then i feel tired all evening and just don't have any energy. maybe i really am sick. i suppose feeling that way triggers familar feelings of a time i don't want to return to. and that's why i get scared.

knickers told me to not let that rude lady get to me and not take it personally. but how can i not take it personally?!?! being a graphic designer is a part of who i am! i don't want to become calloused. i don't want to loose my passion for my work. and if that means getting my feelings hurt from time to time that's fine.

frank dislocated his shoulder this afternoon in his office. he came out to my cube holding his arm asking for my help. we managed to get it back in, then i put his arm in a sling. it made for an interesting 5 minutes.

its 8:45 and i'm going to finish drinking this neocitran then get into bed.

are you still growing wild
with everything tame around you?

something smells like peanut butter.
i don't know where its coming from.
i don't even have any.
it's mysterious.

forgot

what would you rather be doing right now?

i don't mean other than reading pspd, i mean instead of being at your computer. what do you wish you were doing right now if you had no restrictions. interesting.

i never cease to be amazed by the human race. obviously i'm the kind of person who overthinks and analyzes everything. i think deep thoughts and ask myself big questions. today i was astounded by a conversation with a co-worker here she said "its just not fair". i was mentally floored. how is it that she managed to get to her 40s and not realize issues of life and death are not about what's fair. when it all boils down to it, life is NOT fair and people don't always get what they deserve. the words of my mom still rings in my ears, whenever i'd complain as a kid about something not being fair she would say "nobody ever said life was going to be fair". that always shut me up, but perhaps it prepared me for life more than i thought it could.

at lunch i managed to clear a table of men just because i sat with them. normally i would be offended by this, but that was actually exactly what i wanted. they were sitting at my lunch table. i was prepared to share with them. i wasn't going to try to join their conversation, i was just going to read. but they still moved to another table. whatever, i feel powerful. repelling men has never been so convenient.

today i told a colleague that she hurt my feelings. this was probably unprofessional of me but her comments were inappropriate, so instead of getting angry i was honest. i kind of think that approach is better. i think i learned that from vinc'. i'm not sure if it was because english was his second language, but he was always "frank" with me. so i was always frank in return. there's a certain amount of freedom when you can just be honest with people (of course this does not mean crossing the line to being rude).

who's to say where the wind will take you?
who's to say what it is will break you?

courier

this has been a weird sort of evening. i had a pleasant day. got a number things done. felt relaxed. but upon leaving work, everything started going crappy. how annoying. here's a sampling of what my evening has been like.
• tires looked flat – ended up kneeling in a puddle in the dark to fill them up.
• left the kitchen while making soup – it boiled over simultaneously with my sink overflowing.

i need someone to christmas shop with. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME WITH ME?? does anyone want to join forces with me? because if i have to face those crowds alone again not only will i pull out my own hair, but also the hair of the sales clerks and my fellow shoppers. but this will be avoided if i have a comrade in arms, so don't be afraid of hair-loss.

life is like a choose your own adventure. we make certain decisions along the way that alter our path. the main difference is that there's no way of going back to see what would have happened if we'd chosen the other option. i remember crying in the kitchen with melinda the day he left, i said to her "he's gone and i'm never going to see him again". and yet unexpected circumstances brought him back into my life. who can figure these things. there's no way of knowing if i would've been right. i think in some ways its essential to our existence that we don't spend our lives lamenting the "what if"s. there's nothing we can do about it now. all we can do is reflect and take what we can from our decisions and trust that we made the best choice for that time.

i don't suppose it matters which way we go.

frogs & train wrecks

we never know what life events will pass away forgotten and which events will stick. we often guess and we're often wrong. like friendships we thought would last forever and events we thought would change our lives. i think its the unexpected that impact us the most. the people we meet in passing who turn into friends or lovers. events we never wanted to happen mould us the most. in light of this, should we become more open to the unwanted? embrace what we can't control?

you're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. with less of you there is more of God and his rule. you're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. only then can you be embraced by the one most dear to you. you're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. that's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. you're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. he's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. you're blessed when you care. at the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. you're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. then you can see God in the outside world. you're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. that's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

cowbell

well i'm home from my annual christmas party, which is really more of a banquet. it was fun. i got all dressed up swanky like. i wanted to wear my new romy boots, but concluded that my big tall brown boots would be more appropriate. they make me feel more like a lady, which always causes me to act like a lady. marilyn, frank and i had an agreement that we'd all be there just before six, but they were late and i sat there slugging back white wine wishing i'd brought my book.

i concluded i'm a bit of a strange person, i sat with the "grown-up" even though there are a lot more people my age than there once was, but i don't know any of them. i enjoyed sitting beside frank chatting it up over dinner, and talking to his wife rita – telling her about my trip to kenya. therefore i concluded that even though it may seem strange i'd prefer to sit with marilyn and frank, they are (after all) my co-workers.


marilyn's husband, santo, is this little italian man who reminds me of mario from the super mario brothers. i think its the bushy mustache. of course the office transvestite was there with the new girlfriend in tow. he/she looked quite lovely and really is a nice person. all things considered i actually find his/her girlfriend more sketchy than him/her.

i realized i'm not much of a mingler, at least not on my own. if i'm with friends, i quite like going around and chatting with people, but on my own i'm not a social butterfly. i sat there watching the people on the dance floor thinking to myself "i hope that some day i'll have a date for one of these things". i'm not much of a dancer either (i am at home, but not in public) but if i was with a date or a friend i would have liked to dance. i thought it was cute when rita got frank dancing, i didn't think i'd see the day. and felt little kid watching her parents as frank and marilyn danced together on the dance floor.

well i'm pretty tired, so i'm gonna head to bed. rita kept encouraging me to drink, so at the end of the night frank asked if i was ok to drive. i said "ya", but the fact that he asked made me wonder. so i was super careful driving home, and DID conclude if i were to get in an accident, that it would be caused simply by my regular driving and not the booze. however, it may be why i feel so drowsy.

just take a seat they're always free.

pepper

i'm so sleepy but i want to write my entry more. i'm THAT dedicated ;)

today in the mail i received a christmas card from joanna. included in it was a button for my bag, it has a rainbow and says "i choose peace". i LOVE it. it made my whole face smile.

i went shopping for something to wear to my work christmas party tomorrow night after work. i found nothing. however, i decided to stop by payless and see if they have any boots. i've been needing boots for several years. what i've been wanting is a pair of skater shoes that are boots and that's EXACTLY what i found. my "romy" airwalks. they're awesome, comfy and warm!! i totally love them! i've been wearing them nonstop all evening. they're so comfortable and cozy. they boast "designed to keep feet dry and warm in sub-zero temperatures", when i first saw the label i thought it said "-40º" and thought "super!" but when i got home i noticed that it said "-4º" which is not nearly as impressive. but thankfully i thought to double check when i got home tonight at its -4ºF which is -20ºC which is MUCH better. and to top it all off they were on sale. yay! i discovered today that -40º is where fahrenheit and celsius cross-over. interesting huh?

i went to the screening room with new girl catherine (i like that i call her new girl catherine, i hope she's not offended by this, it helps differentiate between her and other catherines. i know 4). we saw "the queen" it was interesting. i felt it made her majesty seem more human and less human at the same time. the she came over for some "silver tea", i'm excited because i want to have guests over more often.

so i never did find anything to wear to the christmas party. i decided i'd just wear the same thing as last year. who's gonna notice. i've only worn it twice and it seems silly to spend money on something i'll only wear once. the only problem is i wanted to wear the necklace laney gave me but it won't match. i've gotta try it on in advance and make sure it still fits properly, i presume it will, but its smart to check, then i'll still have some time to check in a boutique downtown. hahaha, i said boutique. haha.

you'll have to learn,
just like me,
and that's the hardest way.

up

i finally got a long distance plan this is good. now i can call beckie on baffin island. i can call melinda in austria for 9 cents/min, vinc' in france for 5 cents/min, and my auntie carol – who kept mistaking my answering machine with me – in the UK for 4 cents/min. nice. i tried calling vinc' yesterday on what i THOUGHT was his cell phone but it turned out to be his home phone and had the misfortune of having his mom answer. i can't speak french and her english is not so good. it was confusing and i felt bad because at least i was prepared but she just picked up the phone to find some crazy canadian asking for some guy named "vincent". which believe me sounds different to the french pronunciation of vincent (they drop the 't' – weirdos).

i talked to melinda yesterday as well. it was very nice. i like it when a person knows you so well that something like "can i borrow your bike?" causes you to laugh from your gut. she was making a little jab at me for my neurosis inflicted on me as a child. there are just certain childhood rules i can't shake. like not lending out my bike or i'm only sick if i'm barfing. i have however, overcome my issues with dr seuss and the one pickle per serving rule, where my sister is still battling those vices.

ugh what's with this chair?!?! it always makes my ass fall asleep.

i wish i was the kind of person that knew exactly what to tell someone when they're having a mental break-down. i fear i always come across like "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER" when what i mean is "it'll be ok". what i want is to do or say whatever would make them feel better, when the truth is i don't know what that is. everyone is different. every situation is different.

they have their obvious attractions, the bodies of men.

bicycle

well i'm satisfied. i've tidied my WHOLE place. i found a home for everything. no more mini piles on my desk. err, except for that small one. but you can see my desk top and my dresser top. i'm very pleased and don't feel overwhelmed anymore. i'm relieved.

i went to my mom's for dinner tonight. it was a nice time. she brought me back some british chocolate, yummmmm. i think i'll crack it open right now. MMmmmm.

i had a really nice time with her and upon reflection i'd have to say tonight was significant. i've mentioned before how sometimes it feels like my mom is my biggest critic. we talked about it over dinner and she was very sorry. she told me that she's very proud of me and thinks i'm doing great. it was nice to hear those things from her. i felt we spoke as equals and she respects my opinion because i have a good head on my shoulders and have some solid experience under my belt.

i did my laundry at her house and now i'm facing the dread of folding it. i HATE folding laundry, i miss my laundry lady. maybe i should think of as though i'm being paid 4 bux for folding it instead of paying the laundry lady. there. that might make it more enjoyable. score!

wow, it sure is nice having a tidy and clean house :) AND i got my buttons sewn back on my clothes. my, i sure am on top of things. i can rest easy now. well after i fold my laundry :p

its time for all good lesleys to get ready for bed.

the way you told me to look past everything i had ever learned.

narcissus

dave ferrence took me, marilyn, mayelin and april out for dinner to the greek islands. it was quite nice and we had a fun time. i discovered that marilyn stinks at looking surprised when she already knew the secret. i should mental note that. dave and i were discussing dyssomia today. it made me laugh. this is the defination... a sleeping disorder that makes it difficult to get to sleep, or to stay sleeping. hahaha. funny how some things in life contradict each other.

those of you currently located in k-town will know that we had our first snow-fall last night that stayed on the ground. we got 10 cm. unfortunately, this made me late for work. i'm sorry to disappoint you, but it wasn't my fault. i was ready on time, but i hadn't yet looked out the window so had no idea winter had arrived. i dug out my boots and toque then headed out into the peaceful outside. i reminded myself as i drove down my street that winter driving is different and i should start to brake a lot sooner than normal. i drove 80 tops on the way to work, thus making me late. but i'd rather err on the side of caution as they say. i'll have to revise my morning routine if i'm going to get back on track for being punctual.

i was surprised as i went about my day how i felt about the snowy outside. it made me feel cozy and nostalgic. it was nice.

i have a question for you... what is flirting? why is it done? what does it accomplish?? because people flirt with people they don't like quite often. WHY!?!?! i have nothing further to say on this topic, i'm mostly putting this question out there to be answered.

i'm too full to swallow my pride.

caboose

each day holds new possibilities. you never know when you get up whether a postcard might arrive.

i've had quite a nice day. i was adaquately busy and my mind has been nicely preoccupied. i'm happy about this, i may achieve my new goal. joy invited me for dinner and i enjoyed a lovely evening with them. i like this new stage of caleb knowing who i am. he climbs all over me, its fun. the kids were great, although, it was difficult to have a serious conversation with joy and tim while the kids screamed in our ears.

i discovered this evening that their lives are no more interesting than mine. when i asked them what was new, joy said "i cut caleb's hair today. that's pretty much it for me". i told them about how i eat a hard-boiled egg and breakfast sausages each morning. actually, i talked about breakfast sausages on so many separate occassions that tim commented "wow! you really ARE into breakfast sausages". anyway, i told them about the time that i bought the some at the store and left without them. joy laughed hysterically at this. i have to admit, joy laughs pretty easily at things and its refreshing. i always get a good audience from her. my sox were covered in rice when i left there.

i've been making it to work on-time/early since last wednesday. "they" say it takes 23 days to form a habit and so by my christmas holidays i'll have been on-time for... aw crap only 18 days. oh well, that should be ok. i actually think for me the 23 days rule is not accurate. its not hard and fast. usually for me, doing something in a similar way for about 3 to 5 days constitutes a new system.

tomorrow's another day.
tuesday.

p.s. i feel offended as a graphic designer.
p.p.s. i need to sew my button back on my coat. and my pants.
p.p.p.s. i feel a new sense of determination. fueled by self-respect and a sense of pride. it helps setting attainable goals.
p.p.p.p.s i'm sorry that i'm so cryptic. its not intentional i understand what i mean.

advent

i DID write an entry last night but then my firefox froze and i lost it all. so i went to bed.

i don't know where to start, but basically i've been having a bit of a identity crisis over the last few days. wonder what the heck i'm doing with my life. wondering if i could be doing more. feeling guilty for the decisions i make that result in comfy living. i got a great pep talk from sarah last night, but i was still feeling kind of lost. but then the most incredible thing happened... i went to church today and a number of events compounded together to make it all make sense again.

rachel spoke on waiting. being joyful and hopeful as we wait. she quoted emily dickenson saying hope is the bird who sings the tune even when it doesn't know the words. i don't know the words, but i won't let that stop me from enjoying singing. i also struck up conversation with a number of people i didn't know, and i remembered how much i love that. i love helping people who are disconnected become infused in community. maybe it won't make a difference at all, but you just never know when taking an interest in someone will make a world of difference to them.

i've got to stop comparing my accomplishments to other peoples. i DO know who i am, i just don't know where i'm going.

my book has provoked much thought in me. it got me thinking about love, it claims "love is not blindness. love is hallucination". it makes you see things that aren't there. i'm not completely convinced of that, i propose it makes you seen things no one else can see.

hurt is seeing your ex-bestfriend in indigo and quickly sneaking out of there before you find yourself face to face with him. there was nothing to say. irony is the fact that i haven't seen him in months and months. i'm disappointed that its come to this.

i dreamt about christmas last night. it put me in a christmasy mood. i feel my holidays approaching, i feel relaxed already. i feel at peace. its ok once again.

i wish i had some baked-goods.

i've stood here before inside the pouring rain,
with the world turning circles running 'round my brain.

phallic

i went to eve's tonight with the rachel and catherine. i had a really lovely time, i sat with michelle, carolyn, catherine and sarah over dinner. what a hoot! it was a really nice time but i got so sleepy. brenda was speaking but near the end when people were asking questions i was literary falling asleep.

when i walked in i saw in a crowd of people my exboyfriend's mom. when i saw her i said outloud "oh my goodness" and i went up to her to give her a hug. she had no idea who i was. it took her a good 10 seconds to clue in and at that point my arms were just about all the way around her. so in total i had two exboyfriend's moms there when you include carolyn. sarah clearly got a kick out of it. that and the stain-glass artwork ;)

on the way home, with rach and catherine we had some girly girl talk. ah, girly girl talk always hits the spot from time to time.

i established today that i'm afraid of being vulerable. well, not afraid exactly, afraid of being hurt if i make myself vulerable. but i suppose its unavoidable. all my chips are on the table. in life i feel its necessary to bet all or nothing. i'm done with denying my wants. i can't sit back and say that i don't care, because i do. no amount of self-persuasion has convinced me so far.

today in the mail i got a 20 dollar gift certificate from the grizzly grill. i signed up for this promotional mailing list months ago. its only good til dec 31. who will i take with me??

it's a big enough umbrella,
but it's always me that ends up getting wet.