relinquish

this evening was my first night at story-tellers anonymous. it's a little group formed by al and others from the rustle-next marriage. the purpose is to produce a zine. i've planned to attend since i first caught wind of it in december, but when it actually started up in february i was crashed and felt i had already reached my limit of involvement in everything. but since my realization that i need some newness in my life, i decided the time was now to join. the get together began at 7 at rustle. i walked. on the way i felt the weirdest sensation, my right foot was falling asleep starting at tip of my toes and made it's way back over my sole. it was odd walking with numb feet (the left foot caught on as well, but not to the same extent). however, by the time i arrived all was back to normal. among friends and new acquaintances i felt out of my element. i'm not a writer. i'm a lesley. whatever that is. i'll try my best, but i'm scared i may get 'cut' for not being up to par. or even worse they might include my bit out of kindness.

unspoken secrets. without a look or any acknowledgment at all, there is understanding. the secrets are kept. i feel driven to keep more secrets. i'm not hoarding information. i'm not even trying to be more private. i'm simply trying to use digression and not blab everything to "unsafe people". because rarely does something only involve me. but if something doesn't exist is there really a secret to be had? in a sense. my ego is bruised. i want to matter, more than a little.

i read a saying posted on the boards at work today "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". mull that one over a bit.

and super big congrats to rach and jase on the arrival of august everett erb! high-fives for big sisters astrid & muirgen too ;)

you do not need to stand on one foot.