havoc

yesterday i went to a conference in oakville with a crew of people from next. when i signed up i didn't realize it started at 8 am :S so the plan was to leave my place at 5:30 so we could be at brandon s.'s place for 5:45 and leave from there at 6. at 5:25 i finally got out of bed, walked to the washroom, then the doorbell rang. lyon and brendan were here already, and brenda arrived shortly there after (we traveled with one brenda, one brendan, and two brandons).

the day was good. i went to a great workshop about food and sex: the two appetites. very interesting.

i spent a lot of time talking with various people about my plans to start my own design business. al and i surveyed a few people to get their opinion of possible names. the one everyone liked the most was "saint dynamite". honestly, i was hesitant. i'm uncomfortable with the idea of potential clients discovering my blog when googling my design site. however, i had an overwhelming positive response and i think my final decision came when the last speaker talked in depth about the word "dynamite". her words rang loudly in my head, just as bren leaned over and said "this might be a sign". saint dynamite IS something i strongly associate with, it's a little unorthodox, and lends itself to visual creativity. so i spent some time this afternoon purchasing the domain name, and a hosting site. step one is now complete. i also sketched out a layout. i kind of wish i had a pool of designers to critique it like i did in college. i think i'm just doubting myself because i didn't expect a layout to be so easy, i think i underestimate my ability as a designer.

it was a bit of a trippy day yesterday because we left in the dark, then arrived home in the dark, and immediately got back into bed. i feel like i didn't get a saturday.

i don't see why something from so long ago – that was a big nothing – still comes around and bites me in the ass from time to time. it made me laugh though. it made me feel like i was famous, or possibly infamous.

what i fear the most is regret. actually, that's not true, i fear the possibility of regret. i fear that i'll regret leaving my job. i fear that'll regret staying at my job. i fear that i'll regret risking my current life to go overseas for a chunk of time into a situation that i might not like. i fear that i'll regret not having kids (i fear that more than i fear not having kids). i fear that i'll regret giving up the maxi pad in exchange of living with housemates (i've had two dreams in which that happened – it clearly even weighs on my subconscious). i fear that i'll regret being a live donor. i fear that i'll regret not being a live donor. i fear that i'll regret not actively looking for a husband. i fear that i'll regret putting myself thru the grossness of looking. i fear that i might regret – period. do i regret right now? i did, but now i don't. so maybe that's a good sign. it's scary to move from no regret into a phase of possible regrets. but i'd regret not making the bold gesture and entering that new era. i already feel proud of myself because i didn't know i had it in me.

you and i,
we've got a lot to be glad for.