xoxo

b and i have no special plans for this evening. so i decided to use my new crockpot and make us a nice dinner. the stew is still stewing, so i thought i'd take advantage of the spare time to write my year end entry. the last entry of the year is always my favourite. i like looking back at what was accomplished and what has occurred. i often make choices simply so i can look back on this day and remember "i did that!". so with no further adieu... my list of "firsts" for 2009:

in january; rach, jill, and shanno spent 6 hours combing my hair into dreadlocks (dreads have been something i've been wanting to do for about a decade, so it was very exciting and i'm thankful to them for their hard work). sent in 2 postcards to post secret.

––

in february; i won the office football pool, submitted a piece of writing to canada writes, went on a roadtrip with al and bren, got my bikini line waxed, went to mexico with cas, matt, david, and josh (swam in the pacific ocean, went ziplining, had a swedish massage, went snorkling).

––

in march; i asked for a leave of absence from work and was refused, registered a web address, went to an epiphany conference at the meeting house, bought my snazzy galoshes, started having my dad over for dinner once a month, practiced lent.

––

in april; i gave internet dating a whirl (it didn't lead to anything, but was an interesting science experiment), melody came to visit, i got my mouth guard, went to a wine tasting party with al, shari, and melissa, S&R closed (first time we've known the world without S&R).

––

in may; i went to the potter's guild sale with bren, went to ottawa with rach for a piece of leather, went to syracuse with shanno to see the post secret exhibition, went to GO! in toronto with melissa (and stayed over night at her parents place), was interviewed on the CBC by brent bambury, read the twilight saga.

––

in june; i took the 7 habits for highly effective people course thru work, tuned up my bicycle all by myself, joined the united way committee at work, got rained out at skeleton park music festival.

––

in july; i visited david in montreal for canada day (we went to the blind restaurant, among other cool places), went to beckie's cottage and met her family, preached my first sermon, went to a bingo hall with mayelin, went to peru with jill (ate a guinea pig, walked the inca trail, went paragliding, among other awesome things. plus, it was my first time in south america. oh, and was given a fake bill by my cabbie).

––

in august; shanno and i camped at wolfe island music festival, accidentally went on my first date with brendan, went to the kingston women's art festival, saw modest mouse at the ale house with beck, painted my bedroom, took a silkscreening class at made4you, and went on a roadtrip to ottawa with beck, took a pilates class.

––

in september; i paid off my osap loan, bought one of shari's paintings, join/started a book club.

––

in october; shannon came for a slumber party, we carved pumpkins, i had my first REAL date with brendan, my aunt and uncle came to visit from the UK, i gave tours of my cube to my fore-mentioned aunt + uncle, my mom, lyon, david + sue, i played poker at the house famous poker night.

––

in november; shanno and i went to the gan casino to celebrate the one year anniversary of my tattoo, brendan and i played squash, and i cut his hair, uncle bill died and we went to toronto to attend his funeral, went to a frontenac's game with rowan, combed out my dreads and got my hair chopped, we saw bruce cockburn at sydenham street united, began doing freelance design work.

––

in december; brendan came with me as my date to the bbd christmas party, and went with him to his work christmas party, i went to the torch relay where i watched my colleagues run with the torch, turned 30, had a birthday party at bren's house, lost my diva cup, bought a new one (on sale at tara natural foods), changed my nose ring to a hoop, went skating in bren's backyard. AND... made a new year's eve stew for brendan.

in compiling this list i discovered a sure did a heck of a lot of things. it's been fun. a good year for sure. when i think about where i was last year at this time, much has changed. things didn't turn out the way i expected – i didn't get to take that leave of absence for example – but i think things turned out much better, and i'm very grateful. i raise my glass to 2009... CHEERS!

OH i can,
oh i can.

clippers

i went skating this afternoon with the melles's. they live down the street from victoria park – where they skate often – but we skated in their backyard, in their on private rink. it was fun. i haven't skated in years, and aside from the fact that my skates are too small, i did pretty well! i used to skate all the time, we had our own backyard rink when we were kids. i dazzled brendan with my ability to do circles around and round and round. he filmed it and everything :p i grabbed an extra hockey stick and played a little with the boys, i wasn't too bad considering it was the first time i'd ever had one in my hand. i'm not sure if i'm a left-handed hockey player or if i just hold the stick wrong, but i made do. i was pretty good at getting it in the net, even if my stick handling could use some work. we stayed for dinner afterwards. it was yummy as usual :)

i'm feeling pretty crumby. i'm gonna drink some neocitran and get into bed. it sucks getting sick while on vacation. i was tempted to get some coldfx, but it'll probably be gone in a few days anyways. it gives me all the more reason to spend my holidays resting.

the only chore i got around to doing today was scrubbing my refrigerator. that's been way over due, and it looks really awesome. i honestly didn't realize that my fridge interior was white :S it's good to have that done.

we've come so far, it feels so real.
all this time, that we've waited for it.
and who we are, and where we're going to.
all this time, preparing for it.

bodum

my nose is runny. i always get sick after spending an extended period of time with my sister's kids. i should have been washing my hands more frequently. brendan keeps telling me "you're fine", i kind of like it went he tells me that. it's good to hear from time to time. however, i'm not sure if he's right. he keeps telling me that he avoids colds by sheer will power, and that i'll get sick if i concede. i'm don't know about that, but i suppose denial is something i haven't tried before, so it's worth a short.

last night we went out to the west end for dinner at nancy + gerry's place. i figured while we were out there i might as well run some errands. but in true lesley fashion i ran out of time and only made 4 of my 7 stops. i got up this morning and did the rest because they didn't necessarily HAVE to be done in that part of town. i really need to get a better handle on time. it's tricky. i've been enjoying this week off because i can get stuff done around the pad. i wonder how long i could putsy around my house for until i feel a need to get out and be active and participate with others. like, if i didn't have to work, could i contently do chores and run errands with little to no human interaction for a couple days? couple weeks? indefinitely?? a month of saturdays? a year of saturdays?? i dunno. i'm curious. it's an interesting thing to ponder when i'm not in that situation. for now it's very refreshing.

i should get back to my chores. my fridge is in rough shape.

if only they could turn around, they would know they weren't alone.

oops

i'm really enjoying my holidays. i've been doing next to nothing. b and i have continued to watch mad men, and took a long/amusing walk yesterday. i haven't really got much on the docket for today, i might be meeting up with buddy tonight or tomorrow. i'm gonna go get dressed and meet up with brendan at the goat at 3. he was asking me if i'm still going to go to the Y during my holidays, i haven't yet decided. typically in the past i've allowed myself the time off of the Y because i get to take walks and be more physical during my holidays, so it's less critical. plus, i'd like to not do anything out of obligation. so far it's been super.

i finished my mitts on saturday. when i finally sewed up the last one i was horrified to discover that something dreadfully went wrong and the one mitt was significantly longer than the other :S so frustrating!! but after i threw them in the wash you can hardly tell. i'm just relieved that i'm finished. i feel i need a project to renew my love of knitting. we're in a bit of a lull knitting and me. maybe a toque, or a camera case.

you know you've become too technology dependent when discover it's snowed after reading it on facebook instead of looking out the window right beside you :S

well i should probably go. i'd love to get some reading done at the goat. hope you're holiday has been good to!!

don't you believe the words of handsome men.

cigarettes

well... christmas has come and gone. it was enjoyable. on xmas eve my family came to next, then we all gathered at joy's place. we snacked, we played scattergories – which was quite entertaining. christmas day was good, but chaotic. the kids are old enough to really "get" christmas, and were quite caught up in it all. our present opening ceremony lasted a good 2 hours. it was fun though, minus the crazy antics of the kids (who i don't fault, but it's an adjustment). i got some really great gifts – a crockpot, the latest rock plaza central cd, "through painted deserts" by don miller, this totally awesome double potato masher, a couple other cool things. oh, and b gave me some nice chopsticks and a book about things to do for under 10 bucks. brendan's mom gave me one of his old paintings from when he was a kid. he was obsessed with the weather. he'd paint the page blue and just write on it "it's windy today", or paint it gray and say "it's cloudy today". it's really hilarious. in this particular picture it's a red person standing next to what looks like a palm tree and it says "this is me holding onto a tree on a windy day". it's really funny. joelle and caleb gave gifts this year, surprisingly my 4 year old nephew was a great gift giver and seemed to pick out really appropriate gifts. very fun. he gave me a kitten calendar because he knows i have cats, i thought that was very thoughtful of him :)

last night my mom and i were up until at least 1 am just talking. i lied on the couch with her, while she was tucked into her sleeping bag, and i told her stories, and she told me stories. i like that she's so accessible.

today has been nice. i hung out at the lorimer place, b and i watched the first season of mad men with his mom. bren and cas have been telling me about that show for a while and it's really fascinating. other than that we've done nothing, which is nice. i want this to be my holiday of no plans.

born to raise the sons of earth,
born to give them second birth.

delivery

beckie is a freakin' genius....

for many reasons really, but she's given me several tips about food and fitness, and it makes me think she's very clever. for example, she told me that when people eat, they let out a subconscious sigh that indicates when they're full. she told me to listen for the sigh and that way i won't over eat (i've been thinking that my portions are too big). the next day as i ate, i totally noticed the sigh! and then the next time, and the next time! it's really quite reliable :D she also advised me to only have snacks when my belly starts to grumble instead of when i think i feel hungry - i've become quite the snacker at work, so that was a helpful tip too. and lastly, she suggested at the Y on the treadmill i walk one minute, then jog one minute, and again i tried it and met with great success :D i've been feeling quite well over the last few days, not quite fit, but better, less bulky.

this last week of work before christmas is my favourite. hardly anyone comes to work and it's usually just me and about 4 other people. it's so great. the introvert in me is very gleeful by the lack of people. i get a lot done, i'm not stressed out at all, the atmosphere is relaxed and people seem more happy. a lot of my colleagues think i'm crazy for working up until christmas, i tell them i don't have any vacation days left, but truthfully... after 7 christmases like this... i really don't think i'd want to take these days off, it's a really easy week of work. plus, i wear jeans the whole time :) i like it, because i get all my files archived and ready for the new year. i kind of wind down the work year, so by the time i'm finished the week i'm in the holiday-headspace. it's wonderful.

usually, i get christmas eve off. on that first day of vacation i wrap gifts, bake cookies, pack my overnight bag, watch gone with the wind. but this year, xmas eve is a work day, so i'm going to have to do all that stuff tonight. i have a feeling it's going to be a late night. i'm looking forward to it though. it's exciting to see all my gifts laid out on the floor.

still no luck finding the diva cup. i'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy another one :S

our december sun is setting because i'm not who i used to be.

lazer

i lost my diva cup :S the thing that really annoys me about this is that either yesterday or the day before i thought "i might need my diva cup" so i took it off the hook it lives on and put it in my bag. now it's no where to be seen. i hate it when things aren't where i expect them to be, especially when there's no logical reason why it wouldn't be. i searched everywhere this morning, even in my lunch box, just in case i was crazy and put it in the wrong place. now i'm left having to decide if i should go buy a new one or wait to see if it'll turn up. i'm of two minds: 1) i've looked everywhere, and what seems to have happened is that it fell out of my bag someplace and it won't be retrievable. 2) it's in the one place i haven't checked but after i buy a new one it'll appear. also on one hand... i don't want to spend the money on something like that at this time of year expecially if my original one is just going to show up, but on the other hand it probably wouldn't hurt to have two (since this is not the first time i thought i'd lost it - a back-up would be nice, although not a necessity). tampons make me grumpy. especially when i KNOW i put my diva cup in my bag, i feel like i'm going bonkers!

haha, bonkers is a good word.

however... on the brightside... today is a new day. the knickers has gone, her reign of terror ended. emma is my new boss. and truly, this change couldn't have come soon enough. it's really at the point that knickers had to go, or i had to go. sadly, she left by first pushing all my buttons while being completely oblivious to the fact that she's just damaged our relationship beyond repair. that's quite sad really.

you say you think there's a traitor among us.

beautiful

i'm sitting here with my new nose ring in my nostril. while i was out with beck this afternoon (oh, beck arrived from the north today) i happened to notice some hoops at tribal voices for 2 dollars. i decided to give it a whirl. when i got home this evening i put it in, and i think i like it. beck likes it, so that's a good sign. i think i'll leave it in for a couple days to decide how i feel about it. i'm not gonna post a photo because i'd like to keep you all in suspense :p

being 30 has been busy.

i had a really great time at my party on thursday. i don't even know what to say, it was good and i'm thankful for everyone who could come out to see me, and for bren opening her home for the occasion.

i'm really glad that beckie is in town. i told her while we were at the brew pub tonight that i feel more normal with her here. she's an important friend for sure. i like how i can just be with her, she's so easy to be around. she's heading out late tomorrow and after spending christmas with her family, she's going to jamaica! that will be super fun, i'm glad for her.

it's odd that britany murphy died today, we were just talking about her.

i'm counting down the days until my christmas vacation. 4 more. the knickers will be in tomorrow morning then she's gone. she's being relocated to vancouver until april, then she's retiring. emma will be my new boss come 2010. i'm more then ready for the change. although, the year wouldn't be complete without my job security being threatened, so it seems that message of disaster arrived right one time :S i'll just roll with the punches and know everything will work out just fine regardless what happens.

i should go. i have a few emails to send and a futon to set up for my house guest.

though sometimes i stammer and mix up my grammar,
you get what my meanings are.

box of 30 things

this isn't one of mine, but it might as well be.

when i think of the way my life has unraveled i'm amazed by how thankful i am, and how my story is exactly the way i'd want to look back on it. how lucky am i!?!?!? pretty darn lucky i'd say. i'm lucky now too. my 30s are shaping up to be some kind of awesome.

it won't take much for me to show my life ain't over yet.

cupcakes

well nightfall is upon us. it's nearly midnight on my birthday eve. i'm going to have to wrap this up and get into bed asap. i can't bare to watch the clock change into the new day. i have to be all tucked in with my eyelids clenched tightly or i become very distressed (i've learned this over many years of experience).

i'm turning 30. it's something i've given much thought to over the last many years. ideas i had about turning 30, fears about turning 30, excitement about turning 30. and i can quite honestly say i feel pretty darn good about it. my 20s are so over for me. been there, done that. as i move forward into this new decade (both my 30s and the 20teens) i think of all that is to come. for certain this decade will hold many great and wonderful things – things that will make my heart swell with happiness. but because of the nature of life, it will also contain it's fair share of heartache – things that will hurt me, things that will hurt those i love, things that will break me. while the good times are glorious and lovely they are also a little more predictable. it's the tragedy that we will surprise us, bad news catches us off guard. i'm not afraid, but i'm not unaware either. i move forward with my eyes wide open, and i with live each step and ride each wave, and in the end of 2019 i will say "man, that was good. i'm ready... hit me again".

i do think one's 30s is a great decade. i'm looking forward to it. my 30s will be a lot like my 20s minus the student debt and anxiety of trying to get the hang of adulthood. i feel like there's going to be a lot of freedom – literary and emotionally.

this is what you hoped to say on your birthday.

itchy

sometimes i sneak up on your house then run away giggling when i see you thru the window sitting on the couch.

sometimes i like to watch judge judy. she's a straight-shooter. although, it's not her that i find most captivating. i'm amazed by the people who come on that show. no place else have i ever so clearly seen how insane women can be. on this evenings episode there was a guy saying that he did not want anything to do with this woman, and yet from her perspective they were dating. when he didn't respond to her texts she went to his house, and ended up breaking his bedroom window where he was sleeping at 1 am. he called the cops on her and yet she thought they were in a loving relationship. it was pretty funny really. in the after court interview he clearly stated he wanted nothing to do with her and had broken up with her in may. meanwhile she said "i don't know what happen, our relationship just gradually faded away in july". since she seemed so confused i spoke to her thru the television, i thought i'd clear things up with her by explaining "things faded away because he wanted nothing to do with you and had stopped returning your calls". sheesh, girls are gluttons for punishment.

i was surprised to discover that there is a town in maryland called "ladiesburg". i think i'd be stressed out if i lived there too.

i am more than content with the state of mind i am in.

bee's hive

in 1988, i sat in the kitchen of my family home eating spaghetti while my mom cleaned up. i can clearly remember that evening, there's a distinct image of it in my mind. what i find funny and disappointing is the night that i ate spaghetti my sister was down on bath road with my dad watching the torch relay. my dad had suggested we all go, but i wanted to eat my dinner so i stayed behind (and my mom had to stay with me). in hindsight i've kicked myself for being so in the moment that i was more interested in that pasta then a nationwide event. but i can't fault myself too much, i was 8 and didn't realize that the torch didn't come thru collins bay during every olympics. since hearing of the 2010 olympic torch relay i've been looking forward to going, partly to make up for missing it in '88.

as i mentioned earlier this year that i'd put my name into a company draw to be a torch bearer. i wasn't selected but three of my colleagues were. today was their run - in napanee. i asked the knickers for permission to go, she hummed and hawed (she doesn't like it when i'm unavailable to her), but eventually conceeded if i agreed to make up the time. so i went. i was there at 8:00 just like my colleagues suggested, and waited an hour in the cold with the finance department. it wasn't too bad, and there was a bathroom handy at the laundromat across the street. actually, when i came out of the laundromat i saw all sorts of decorated trucks and thought that i'd missed the big event, but it was just the truck dropping off jason at his starting point. phew! that would've defeated the purpose of going. anyways, it was really fun watching dan come up the street with the flame. he waved at everyone along the way - which is so typical of him. he's a really nice and friendly man, and it made me smile to see him in his element. he met jason right in front of our little crowd and they stood touching their torches together. everyone cheered and jason headed off for his leg of the relay. a lot of people ran along beside on the sidewalk. it was fun. i have to admit, i wasn't as blown away by the experience as the people around me, but it did warm my heart and i felt happy to have finally seen the torch relay.

one thing that really struck me while standing there in the cold waiting, was that everyone was trigger happy with their cameras. everyone had a camera and everyone wanted a photo with jason and the torch. what disappoints me about this is that i would've like everyone to just be together, happily expecting dan to arrive with the flame and us all focus together on the events taking place. there's something very bizarre about picture-taking. it's like life has suddenly turned into a photo-op and is no longer about living. we're so distracted by the lens that we don't fully live the moment. the best experiences are those that grasp us so intensely that we don't even think to grab a camera. it's those moments that we wish afterwards that we'd captured it in pixels, but at the time it never crossed our minds. in fact, i don't have any photos from my last two birthday parties for that exact reason, i was too busy being with people and enjoying their company.

you know, in some ways you're a lot like me.

unlimited

it was a busy and long sunday.

you know what i like? i like that b and i were both friends with andrew and shannon before we started dating. the four of us sat around in the house of amos kitchen yesterday dreaming up random questions for the "christmas in a bag" game we'd play that night at the living room christmas party. it's really fun and kind of special too. b and i ate plain white rice while the kieares had vegetarian feasts. i find this amusing.

that night (as i've fore mentioned) was the living room potluck christmas party. it went well and the game was fun. the gift exchange as usual was quite the mix of different gifts. we ate well and some drank egg nog. i actually hate egg nog so i didn't have any at all. that was our first christmas party of the night, our second was brendan's work party at the chien noir. upon arriving i immediately regretted not pressing him further on what would be appropriate attire. i'd forgotten that he wears the same thing to everything, and neglected to consider that perhaps it was more dressy then his usual get-up. i was EXTREMELY under dressed compared to the rest of my gender. and in fact, i was under dressed compared to a lot of the guys too. it was very bizarre, most of the guys had their hair styled with products. i haven't been around a group of mainstream peers in a really long time and i was almost baffled to realize they still exist. anyways, yes, i was just in my regular clothes, and in fact, i didn't even have any make-up on (i'd washed it off because my eyes were itchy and while i scratched them my mascara smudged all over). b felt sorry for me that i felt so uncomfortable in my outfit but it wasn't his fault. i don't think i took it as seriously as the other girls, so i didn't give it much fore-thought. if i had i would've been dressed more appropriately. oh well. regardless, we had a fine time. it was quite different to my work party in many ways. for one thing, the cops came, people were smoking up in the back, and they had a live band (ianspotting was playing). it turns out i went to college with one of brendan's favourite coworkers, and even before she and i pieced that together i'd told b that i recognized her from someplace. she's very nice, actually all his work friends are. anyways, we left around 11:30. it was fun. i'd never been someone's date to a work party before.

hmph. life is crazy. it's hard keeping up with everything and i wish i was able to blog with the same consistency - i'm really trying. i know i'll soon get into a new swing of things and that will be good. in the meantime, please bare with me. i know you will. you're good friends :)

 

i had a dream that i was three hundred pounds
and though i was very heavy,
i floated 'til i couldn't see the ground.

smoke detector

this morning shanno had me over for breakfast where we planned our trip to cuba. we got a really great deal at a really great hotel! it's really adorable, and i jumped around with glee. it's in a resort town called varadero. our hotel is made up of a bunch of small cottages right by the ocean – very cool. i looked up in lonely planet today that we can take a day trip to havana, that will be very fun. i'm SOOO excited. we're going the last week in february. so great! check this out.

later in the afternoon i went to the melles's where i hungout with skye and kieran for the rest of the day because bren, mike, rowan, and garry went to ottawa to see the sens play the hurricanes. it worked out really well and i had lots of fun with them. brendan joined us for dinner and played hide and seek with the kids while i read about tiger woods in mcleans magazine. they were really good and after they were in bed we watched "to kill a mockingbird" on b's laptop by the fire. we had a lovely time, and so did mike and bren – it was her birthday!

forgive me father,
but i'm falling in love and that's all i have for confession today.

vacuum

it was so windy at lunch today that walking outdoors was futile. i arrived at atousa's desk to let her know about the weather and she suggested we walk indoors. at first i had no idea what she was talking about, but she said she walks laps inside. the building is big enough so i thought "why not!". it turned out pretty good. we probably did a little less than 10 laps and walked for 20 minutes. it was quite tiring, and i worked up some heat. i thought it was a great idea, and am surprised no one else thought of it before. i bet it'll start a trend.

i feel like i accomplished a lot this evening. i got my drive clean etest done, bought my vehicle sticker, and got my christmas shopping started. i really like getting stuff off my back. i also had the pleasure of dinner with the melles's, always tastey and good conversation.

b is in a total trance at the moment. he's lying on the couch listening to blues music, totally absorbed. it's really fascinating. i like this about him. it's very cool.

apparently on a scale of one to ten, i'm a four when it comes to being mysterious. hmph. i had hoped i was more intriguing than that.

i'm a few bricks short of a load,
but a full load always hurt my back.

sibling-rivalry

inspite of the weather yesterday i went out for my lunchtime walk. i was the only one who braved the storm. i walked in snow 8 inches thick, which was difficult and slow going. i definitely got my heart-rate up. it was as though i was doing aquafit but in the snow instead. perhaps we could call it snofit. i managed to do one lap of the factory (i usually do 2) before giving up. freezing rain had begun and it felt like a thousand tiny knives on my face. why did i bother, you ask? well, because i've put on some weight - which i find very distressing. in my discouragement i remembered sarah's words from when she told me "if anyone can lose weight it's you" meaning that i've done it before, i can do it again. so i'm back on a workout regement. i walked at lunch and then went to the Y after work. i did 120 sit-ups, 15 minutes on the eliptical and a half hour on the treadmill. i felt pretty darn good about it too. unfortunately when i put my streetclothes back on my pants still felt too tight, but i reminded myself that i can't expect instant results. i'll keep up this routine 3 days a week - mon, wed, fri. it's probably best not to invite me to do anything before 6:30 on weeknights because for the next few months i'll have to decline. however i'll WANT to say yes, i'll be tempted to say yes, which is all the more reason that i'll need your help in not making plans for immediate after work. this morning when i woke up i felt good, everything felt a little bit tighter - excellent.

i've been working on my birthday/christmas list for my family. i've been a little hard-pressed to come up with gift ideas, and it makes me want to come up with really good stuff because i'll probably get what i asked for since my list is so short. the fact that i'm a little strapped for ideas has been neat, it just goes to show that i have everything i need. i have to admit, for years i felt resentment that i didn't get the same help as my contemporaries in setting up my home. a lot of the people around me had shower gifts, wedding gifts, house-warming gifts, and were given everything they needed. while i started from scratch and had hardly anything. but finally after 8 years of being on my own i've finally set up shop and i have everything i need/would've been given. i guess it just took a little longer. and actually, it feels pretty good knowing that by the time i get married i won't need anything and can have a gift-free wedding.

however, after yesterday's walking in the snow experience i would like a pair of snow-shoes. i might go to play-it-again sports and see if i can get a bargin on some.

i regret everything i raise my voice,
and it wouldn't be that bright of me to say i have no choice.

vests

i've come to quite like blogging in the morning. i dunno why, i guess it's just a nice start to the day.

the drive into work this morning was treacherous. it took me at least 45 minutes. i put on my winter-driving thinking cap and managed pretty well. that's quite an accomplishment because driving slowly does not come naturally to me. it's really neat though how driving less than 40 km/h, on a road that one usually drives at 110 km/h, can really increase one's control of a motor vehicle, thus remaining on the pavement instead of the ditch. as i drove i wondered to myself why the heck i was bothering - the roads were madness and i don't consider it worth the stress. however, now that i've arrived all is fine. the roads were ok until i hit collins bay. i was relieved too soon because i'd been pleased by how smooth the drive had been up until that point. once i crossed collins bay road the streets were no longer plowed and the path was not clearly marked from other cars. my trusty mojomobile sputtered and rumbled as it tried to make it's way up the big hill on taylor-kidd, and i found myself speaking words of encouragement like "it's ok" and "come on (you can do it)". i know it's just a car, and can neither hear what i'm saying nor respond in kind, but i think there's something to be said about recognizing that i'm not as in control of the car as i might think. sure, i'm operating it - steering and providing acceleration, but whether it stays on the road or not is generally a result of powers beyond myself. for the last half of my commute my heart was up in my throat and i maneuvered stiffly as i saw oncoming traffic every few seconds. i happened to notice heather driving in the car behind me and felt some comfort in knowing that she's a big person and could easily lift me from a snow bank in heroic fashion if need be. thankfully once i past county road 6 the roads were clear and i could exhale.

i'd be lying if i said it wasn't scary. i wondered if perhaps it would've been better to take bath road instead of taylor-kidd but i always have visions of fish-tailing and ending up in lake ontario. one would expect that having an SUV with 4-wheel drive i would be quite safe, but that's not entirely true - it just means i fish-tail with all 4 wheels instead of just 2. one of these years i'm going to invest in snow tires and that will probably improve my driving conditions. however, the mojomobile is significantly better than the batmobile. i happened to notice a little chevette stuck in a few inches of snow, and i was quite happy to have my tall CRV.

it seems the girls who live below me have tampered with the heat. last night it was -5 outside and my furnace didn't kick on at all. i think they've gone away for a few days. i've left them a note asking them to turn up the thermostat and reminded them that it heats the whole house. for the last 2 years it's been more hot than not in my house so it seems pretty obvious that they've tampered with the settings my landlord set it at.

sometimes brendan tells me that he's drinking apple juice in the kitchen while i work on logos in my bedroom. the next thing i know he has all my dishes done.

give me all your warmth,
give me all your smiles,
give me all the sunshine.

jam

upon hearing her kind words i promptly slipped down her stairs.

each morning i lie in bed much longer than i should, hitting the snooze button roughly 6 times. i have my clock radio tuned to a local station, i feel talk radio isn't enough to wake me, so i don't have it set on the cbc as i do my other radios. the station is hit and miss, sometimes it plays good songs, other times it plays trash (the trash motivates me to turn off the alarm and get out of bed). i've begun to notice that it's selection is limited, to the point that during the few minutes that i listen each morning, 9 days out of 10 will they play this one particular popular song. i consider this to my advantage because after hearing it so much i've come to really like it. sometimes i think "if i just lie here long enough i'm sure it will come on". then it does and i'm all like "ooOOHHh yaaaa.....". i don't know what it is, nor do i particularly care. it's half fun being right, and half fun getting to wake up to a song that i dig. this has happened before. i'm sure as the song fades in popularity it'll stop happening, but it'll start with a different song soon enough – this is not the first time this has happened.

i feel like i just lost my twitter virginity :S out of principle i didn't want to hop on the twitter bandwagon. unfortunately, bbd has joined (because social media is the way of the future. all i can think is "what kind of nerd wants to follow a train manufacturer THAT closely :S anyways) and they need me to provide a photo for the background. so i had to bite the bullet and go to the website to check out what the dimensions are and what i had to work with. i don't know any twitterers, so i ended up looking up oprah because i've heard that she tweets. if you folks have some feed suggestions i'd appreciate it because i'm pretty much walking blind here.

we are bound by symmetry.

sequin

every year i get dressed up and go to my work christmas party. it's always a good time, and it's nice to have something to dress to the nines for. the only down side is that i always go alone and have hoped that someday i'll have someone special to take with me. this year brendan came. it was very fun, and he did well socializing with all my colleagues – many of which are nearly 40 years older than him. marilyn and knickers couldn't make it so he only had the pleasure of meeting frank (well, he met other people too, but as far as significant workmates, he only got to meet frank). he really liked him though and told me that if he worked at bbd he'd be friends with frank too. i really like frank's wife rita, she's really fun and loud, they're a great couple.

over the last few weeks i've been planning brendan's outfit, and it turned out super good. he even wore some suspenders that are all paisley and awesome. they weren't really visible from under his vest but rita caught a glimpse of him and really liked them. she said the fact that they're not really seen makes them like a garter belt – "very sexy" :p my dress was less fancy than some of the other girls, but i liked it, it was unique because it's red, meanwhile everyone else was dressed in black.

i'd told brendan about my friend atousa who i go walking with at lunch time. she's larger than life and as soon as he met her he could see that i was not exaggerating. she's really funny, and VERY extroverted, she wanted for us to walk around to each table smoozing. it was quite the experience.

our food was good and drinks were free. atousa got me up dancing to "mony mony" by billy idol, which was followed by "rasputin". unfortunately she said that because she's persian she doesn't know how to dance so she was copying all my dance moves – this is unfortunate because i'm not a great dancer :S however, it was fun and she didn't know the difference. b sat out which was totally fine, i wouldn't make anyone dance if they didn't want to. however, "wonderful tonight" by eric clapton (who is a bit of an achilles heal for b) came on, so we did one slow dance (there weren't many, in fact that was the first of the evening). i'd requested a marvin gaye song, but it didn't come on by the time we left after 11.

b did very well, and i think it was interesting for my colleagues to see me with a man. some of the women would watch us with smiles on their faces. it turns out that my colleague francisco's new wife is the mother of b's friend mike from highschool. too funny. they had a nice chat about that because b and mike had just hungout last week! haha.

turned my whole world upside down.

rattail

i got the h1n1 vaccine this evening. my arm is feeling a little sore, but other than that it was ok. i'd heard it was an especially painful needle but it really wasn't. i uncharacteristically felt nervous about getting the shot, but once it was in my arm it was totally fine. i kept reminding myself that i'm very accustomed to needles and it would be fine. i used to get allergy shots, and at the beginning got them as frequently as twice a week. i'm kind of glad that i'm so familiar with them, i feel like it's a good skill to possess – getting needles without batting an eye.

i've concluded that i really like december. not because of christmas, and not because of my birthday. it's truly a good month. even the word december is aesthetically pleasing.

i had a lovely time at book/knitting club tonight, except i didn't actually do any knitting. i'm at a bit of a tricky spot and i really need to concentrate to get past it. however, it was fun getting together and swoping stories. michelle gave us really lovely mittens for christmas :) and the girls all really liked my hair which was nice because i was having some doubts about it today.

sometimes it's funny to read back over old emails from years and years ago. awesome.

fire in the taco bell.

translucent

sometimes by fluke my boyfriend eats dinner with my former best friend. sometimes these occasions involve cake & flowers, other times they debate natalie portman.

have you ever found yourself suddenly free from something you didn't want to do in the first place? does it leave you feeling completely elated?? that's how i'm feeling right now. a little piece of freelance logoing fell out of my lap last evening, and i can't remember when i last felt so relieved. i feel that i've learned a valuable lesson - that i should not agree to do things that will cause me stress and anxiety. it's amazing the difference in my heart and head now that i'm free from what felt like a massive burden. i know in reality it wasn't as big a stress other people deal with, but in this time and place it was more than i could bear, and suddenly everything else feels like soft and fluffy loveliness that i get to wrap myself in.

and to top it all off, my house is getting more and more tidy all the time. which is fantastic! last night i cleared off my chaotic desk!

i like it when other people can see happiness in me. that it's apparent and that it makes them happy to see :)

my face smells like mexico. i used the lotion from our swanky mexican hotel this morning and it's scent is transporting me back to a place and time when i shared a suite with 4 friends. incredibly fun times for sure. it's insane to think that was just this year. a LOT has happened since then, i sure know how to pack it in :D awesome. man, that was a great trip. great trip indeed.

your smile is a sweetener that really makes my day.

tweet

early yesterday evening i had some spare time on my hands so i decided to file a years worth of bills. i had a large stack of papers, some going back as far as summer 2007. i sat on my floor making piles and in the end was very pleased with myself. the reason why this is noteworthy is because i VOLUNTARILY filed papers. i actually had the spare time and the spare head space to spend on a menial task such as filing. i wasn't feeling stressed. i wasn't feeling pressure. i wasn't doing it because i had to. i had the room to breathe, to move around freely. and in that moment of freedom i chose to be productive. wow. i guess what struck me is that when i don't feel suffocated i can accomplish the same tasks as i would when i feel stressed, but it feels very different. i think the reason why i didn't feel stressed is because i had rest. not sleep specifically, but rest. when i'm well-rested life doesn't seem so hard.

when i was a kid i was really easy going. my family would always say "lesley will never get an ulcer". but as i got older something changed, perhaps i wasn't equipped to cope with difficulties. but i've become someone who gets overwhelmed easily. i wonder if that's just a result of unbalance. i want to strive to be more realistic. to plan in time for rest and unwinding. i think it will make me a better person. that being said, it's come to my attention that i am still pretty easy-going. when my feathers get ruffled i get pretty worked up, but by in large, not a lot ruffles my feathers. when i'm around a more uptight person i very easily slip into an easy-going role, which i like.

you get sweeter and sweeter,
in every possible way.