vinyl

being 3,225 days older than my fianceé can be hard when it comes to social gatherings. like the one currently taking place in my backyard. brendan's friend from high school moved in to the apartment below me. a group of them decided to get together for a dinner party this evening. i was shy at the thought of it, but i really wanted to be a good partner – to go and be pleasant, social, smile and laugh a lot. but they're so little and young, and i found myself afraid of their inspecting eyes. they don't struggle with their weight or have difficult days at work in their cubicle. it's easy for me to project upon them what i think they'll think of brendan's older woman. for me to imagine awkwardly sitting thru them recalling memories and teachers they all once knew, but i didn't. i'm old enough to have been their teachers. i was feeling apprehensive about this dinner party. i was trying to tell myself that the age thing was just something i'm hiding behind, maybe it is. but there's an art to helping others feel included that comes with age, and i don't expect that's a skill they've yet acquired. so as everyone gathered below, brendan and i gathered upstairs with me in tears trying to build the courage to go socialize with strangers. in spite of myself and my 10 years of adulthood i haven't been able to shake my shyness. i recoil into myself. thankfully b was very supportive. something flicked in his mind and he completely understood where i was coming from. i think next time we'll be able to approach things better. together.

i do it just because i want to.