extract

i have many soundtracks to my life. songs, albums, bands that symbolize a time in my life. rock plaza central is the soundtrack of falling in love with brendan.

anyways...

my sister and i are very different in a lot of ways. our relationship could probably be described as tense, which isn't necessarily bad, but rather a precise dance. tension is a bit of a doubled-edged sword because it can bring strength and security – like on a tightrope for example. joy is a person of strong faith. she believes with the full intensity of her conviction. hope unswervingly. and say what you will, that has never failed her. there has been times when the tension of our relationship has been hard because the confidence of her faith has frustrated me. oh, me of little faith, who at times looks at her complete trust with cynicism. truth be told, sometimes i've been angry that her faith never wavers because she's never been let down. things always work out exactly as she plans. she's also someone who is incredibly grateful. she knows that she is fortunate.

tonight as we drove home from our thanksgiving feast i thought to myself that maybe it would do me good to trust fully like joy does. to believe that everything will work out and not waste time worrying about the what-ifs. i'd like to exchange my 30% hope (ok, maybe it's more like 10-30% hope) for 100%. i have no reason not to believe everything is going to be ok. because so far so good. and if three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, i'd focused on my hope rather than bracing myself for the worst, i probably could've saved myself a lot of tears and sorrow. i suspect that hope would've fueled me rather than experiencing the drain of discouragement.

i wonder if a person can choose to be hopeful, or if it's either part of their make-up or isn't. well... i'm gonna try to choose hope. it's scary. i always try to brace myself for let down, so it's kind of counter-intuitive for me to let go. but like i said... so far so good. i think i can step on that glass floor and trust it's not going to give out from under me. even though it defies logic.

i'll give you all that i've got
and lay it all on the line.