name game

i've had the last name lorimer for 5.5 years, and have recently been told by my husband that i say it wrong. i'm sure that we had a conversation years ago in which we agreed that we don't pronounce the 'i'. i took that to mean that we drop the 'i', but it turns out that he meant it's more of an 'aw' sound than an "ee" sound.

lo-ra-mur

1000 pieces

my sister gave me a puzzle of a painting of toronto island for christmas. i used to do puzzles a lot, but i haven't have space for puzzles in the last 4 years, since we didn't have a kitchen table. so i was delighted to have the chance to work on a puzzle again. at first i felt a little rusty, it was a busy puzzle and i wasn't sure where to take it after i did the border. but i got back into the swing of things, and was delighted that brendan and beckie both joined me with puzzling. it's really relaxing to do something peaceful and slow-paced to work on whenever we have a chance. we started it on saturday, and finished it this afternoon. so i guess i'll need to get a new one tomorrow!

it feels a little nerdy to be excited about puzzles. but surprisingly, it felt really good. i think partly because my christmas vacations since eamon have not been as restful as they once were, but this gave me that sense of rest, hermiting and creative problem-solving that i enjoy about my 10-day break from work.

self-preservation

brendan and i had some conflict on the weekend about parking in an arby's parking lot when there wasn't room in the starbucks we were going to.

he wanted to park there. and i REALLY REALLY didn't. especially when i saw the sign specifically stating that the parking lot was only for arby's customers.

when trying to explain my distress about it later, i said "i'm a worse-case scenario thinker", but this isn't exactly true. often times, i can't imagine how things could possibly go wrong, and then find out when things go wrong :p i'm not someone who assumes the worst about everything. instead, it's more accurate to say i am not a risk-taker – at all. i don't park in places i'm not supposed to, i don't let my kid stand inside shopping carts, and i don't call-in-sick to play hookie. if i perceive a chance that something might go wrong, i don't do it. life is full of enough unfortunate incidents that i try at least avoid all avoidable heartache. i can do without getting my car towed, having my kid injured from a fall, and damaging my professional reputation.

obviously, danger is a reality in life. i don't avoid all danger or else it would be impossible to live. but i suppose i view danger and risk as two different issues. and i guess for me, risk involves a element of choice. i remember watching a ted talk once where the woman talked about regret. she mentioned how regret often results from a small decision that could've gone either way – when simply making the alternate decision could have produced a different, more positive result. that's what that impulse is for me ultimately: a quick diagnostic of how much i might regret my decisions.

i don't gamble with what's important to me – my time, my loved ones, my integrity, my heart.

delayed

it's funny. i woke pretty early this morning (as i often do since my body is used to waking before sunrise), and i felt excited. i guess the enthusiasm for a new beginning just waited until the beginning actually started. it's nice getting a clean slate each year, and wondering what will happen over the next 12 months :)

going and coming back again

i spent some time this afternoon reflecting on turning 36; and found my conclusion troublesome.

i'm not sure if it's my stage of life, or if its the age of 36 specifically, but i feel that i lack a certain enthusiasm that i felt in the past at birthdays. not about getting older, but i always felt hope and optimism about the year to come. i had a sense of forward-moving momentum, that i was growing and developing as a person. while 35 was a year of big events and life changes, i don't necessarily equate this year with a time of character growth. and i'm left wondering if there's something wrong with me, or does character development even out as one gets older, or is it just that my focus has shifted and my concern is more for eamon's development than my own. i'm not unhappy, if anything i feel quite content. i guess i just miss that enthusiasm a little bit.

my reflections also led me to think about this...

i don't dislike change. it's usually something i welcome. i do struggle with uncertainty, with varying levels of anxiety depending on the circumstances and my state of mind at the time. i've known this for a while. it seems common among children of divorce. it's funny because from the time my dad left to the time my sister got married, everything stayed pretty much the same. and yet, i just couldn't get comfortable because some figurative door was left open. it wasn't until my late twenties that i felt settled and the door was shut. anyway, i've noticed something new related to that. i like the peace of gentle familiarity. it's like with a kid, who does better when they have a bedtime routine because they know what's coming next. deep down, i like a consistent pattern to life. not a daily routine, but more of an annual routine.

i wonder if that's why i feel troubled – because part of my consistent life pattern involves deep introspection and personal growth, and my current state is a departure from that. one thing i have learned since the summer is the importance of thinking on the present rather than the future. let's be honest, i've spent a lot of my life anticipating the future. it's probably time to be fully present, especially with a toddler.

well, here's to 35. it's been a good year. perhaps at 36 i will learn to be introspective AND live in the present :)

wet pants

our house has been a little chaotic lately, especially after i was so lazy over the weekend. so i'm very pleased that i mustered my whatevers and i actually got stuff under control. except for our bedroom, but maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

i'm only going to be 35 for a few more days. getting is older is a bit weird. i don't know about you, but as a kid it was impossible to imagine being anything other than young. part of me thinks i got so used to it that it makes aging difficult. not that i have a problem with aging, but simply that it's a gradual change that i wasn't really prepared for.

sparkles everywhere

last night i started to doze on the couch at 7:30 and that was it for the rest of the night. brendan came and told me around 10:30 that he was going to bed, so i stopped by the bathroom to take out my contacts, then crawled into bed. 

i don't know what was up with me yesterday, i just wanted to sleep sleep sleep! 

this morning when eamon woke up at 5:45, i'd already been sleeping 10 hours, so i was ready to get up too! with our spare early morning hours, we made our second attempt at a craft gift for my niece, and effectively failed AGAIN! i'll have to run out later today for more supplies to try for a third time. part of me wants to give up, but the other part of me thinks it will justify my previous two attempts if i can get it right eventually. 

work-home

it's been an interesting week. i've been forced to work from home due to a computer issue. i've found there are pros and cons to working from home.

pros:

• being able to sing out loud with the music i'm listening to

• being alone in an empty house rather than being alone in a crowd

• watching netflix at lunch

• napping at lunch

• baking at lunch

• quick trip to pick up brendan and eamon after work

cons:

• not having everything i need from my work computer

• not being available for meetings with colleagues

• having work infiltrate my personal space

• feeling tempted to do non-work related things

i'm hoping my computer issues will be resolved in the next week. but in the meantime, i will enjoy this casual transition into my christmas holidays :)

restored

after a week of feeling unmotivated, i've recovered my regular energy level and enjoyed puttering around our house this weekend. i rearranged a few things in our living room, and unpacked a few boxes i had stacked in the corner. with these slight modifications, i'm super pumped and find that the appeal and comfort of that room has increased.

this year, we got an advent candle holder, made by andrew, to do a weekly advent thing at home. we've been singing christmas carols together as part of the activity, which i've really been enjoying. brendan seems slightly less pumped than i am about the sing-a-long, but it's less novel for him, since he can sing and play whatever song he wants, when he wants. 

i received my norwex products yesterday. i thought i'd just try out the eco-cloth and ended up cleaning the whole bathroom. i have to admit, i was quite impressed. it is super easy to use, because i don't have to stop to spray everything. i've never found that spraying was time-consuming, but it is much faster to just wipe. i found i cleaned more thoroughly since i was on a roll and it was just so easy! it got me looking forward to hosting a party in the new year. 

brace

i know that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. and i know my desire to flee the latest drama at work is just my fantasy that life would be better if this or that happened. but i can't live my life chasing green grass. i guess sometimes we just have to face our weeds and brown patches and do our best to cultivate greener grass. 

autumn blahs

i'm currently under-motivated. i've gone from being super motivated to stay on top of household chores, to sitting on my butt watching too much netflix. to be fair, have been knitting a christmas present, but still.

on the brightside, i did get snowtires on my car today, which i have never done before in the 17 years that i've owned my own car. for some reason, i thought it would only take a half hour, but was told when i got there that it would take several hours. so i had to go home again on the bus without a stroller for eamon. on the way back, i wore him in our backpack carrier. i'd forgotten how empowering it is to wear your baby. but i'd also forgotten how exhausting it is to wear a 30lbs toddler for nearly an hour :S

i'm a little worried that i'm falling into a rut. maybe i just need to give myself a few days before getting worried. maybe it's just that we're getting settled and i don't know what to do with the regular routine of life. it WOULD be nice if i actually wanted to deal with the dishes or tidy our bedroom. instead i just put up with it as is :S i suppose the cycle will come back around and i'll get motivated again. i'll just let this get out of my system. it's just, the mess and the laziness is slightly depressing :S

learning curve

i have a toddler son who finds farts very funny. i also find them quite comical.

ever since he was quite small, he's giggled in response to an unexpected toot, which was extra funny to me, as i concluded that toots are fundamentally funny and don't need to be explained.

at this current stage, he loves to tell me "momma, i tooted". or sometimes, for example when we were in the change room at the pool recently, he went on and on "i toots, dada toots, momma toots", and then actually did toot.

all this to say, we are both highly amused by this. but as he's getting bigger, we're interacting with folks who don't find that sort of thing as funny as we do and there are statutes of limitations on this sort of thing socially. recently, when he told me in front of a more adulty person "i toot" the other person did not laugh, and then tried to pretend he didn't hear the conversation. which was extra funny to me internally.

so i guess i'll teach him to say "excuse me" so he can be polite while still giggling. best of both worlds i think.

back online

my computer at work was scheduled to be upgraded last wednesday. then i fell sick, so i got bumped to thursday (since apparently they didn't think to come get it or something). then i spent 3 work days without a computer. when i got my computer back, it didn't have any of my design software on it. so it's been a weird week.

i am however, adjusting to my new email and trying to set things up to be intuitive and easy for me to mentally process. i don't like a lot of distractions in an email account. for a while i thought that this was a sign that i was not an adaptable person. but i think it's just a preference thing. email is a tool, and i want it to be easy to use, and not face mental blocks or barriers along the way.

brendan and i are doing this marriage course just as some relationship maintenance. it's been fun, but also challenging at times. chores turned into a big fight, which is why we've instituted our 20-minutes a day cleaning routine. i'm happy to say that's actually working pretty well.

this week it used this illustration of rhinos and hedgehogs to show different styles of dealing with conflict. my first instinct was to think i was a rhino, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized i'm a hedgehog. i'm just a hedgehog who can articulate myself well when the coast is clear, which makes me seem more like a rhino. AND because i can be hotheaded sometimes.

it got me thinking about growing up – how inward i was. i rarely felt safe talking about my feelings, and as a result i didn't do it. it wasn't that the people in my life were unsafe, it was because of my own internal process. i can talk freely and confidently about things after the fact, but if i'm still processing something, it's not a topic of conversation. i guard myself pretty securely.

achy

when we were in greece, we did a LOT of walking and after about a week or so, my calves were so sore! they'd gotten all tight and ached when i walked. i would try to stretch them out in the evenings. 

on saturday, my calf muscles started feeling tight and sore again, but this time it wasn't from excessive walking, because i've been getting little to no exercise lately (not even my stationary bike, sadly). since them, it's spread to my arms, neck and wrists. i reluctantly tried googling it, since googling medical stuff can often make one worry, and the one likely thing i read was that it could be caused by inactivity. my dad also suggested it could be caused by dehydration. for a week or two i was working really hard at drinking lots of water, but i've quickly slipped out of that habit. actually, my calves have been less sore today, it's mostly my arms and wrists. 

lifting my growing toddler is a challenge because he's getting heavy and my sore wrists feel weak under the weight of him :S

gifting

i don't remember the last time i knitted. in recent years i've been crocheting more and more, and knitting less. one of the things i like about crocheting is that it's easier to correct mistakes. with knitting, it often requires pulling out lots of rows.

my mom asked for an infinity scarf for christmas, so i'm making her one. she asked for it to be colourful with brown in it. that almost seems like a contradiction. colourful yet brown. in recent years, my mom has become a bit rusty with receiving gifts. she expressed dissatisfaction rather than gratitude. it's discouraging. so i'm bracing myself for her to not be overly appreciative of this handmade gift. it'll probably end up not colourful enough, or not brown enough, or not infinity enough or too infinity :S

to summarize

stiching • mending • chatting

hangouts with b • the hunger games

christmas shopping • grocery shopping on budget

landlording • house-keeping • la caisse

dusting

this evening i went to a norwex party at my sister's house. it was nice because i was able to take eamon with me to play with the kids. norwex is a natural cleaning supplies company. i was fairly impressed with the products.

the party was, for the most part, the first time i've hung out with my sister's friends. joy is good natured and handles being teased well, and they teased her a lot. the thing i found surprising, is that they teased her about how infrequently she cleans her house. this is shocking because joy is the most into cleaning of all the people i know. not only does she love cleaning (has said she prefers cleaning to parenting), she's really diligent about it. the on-going joke is that joy only cleans every two weeks. it felt a little like i was in a bizarre reality. two weeks is pretty regularly, and she'd already said she cleans her bathroom every day. anyway, at one point, during the mopping demonstration, i asked something about her floors, and her one friend said to me "she only cleans every two weeks" and to that i said "she cleans SIGNIFICANTLY more often than i do". which embarrassed the woman a great deal. i told joy later "we lived on main street for nearly 4 years and didn't mop once".

i felt i couldn't be honest in the group about how brendan and i are just learning to do more than the necessities. up until now we've only done the stuff we had to do, like empty the dishwasher so we could put more dishes in. and i'm proud of us for expanding our cleaning routine.

i don't know how working mothers have time for things like housework. how do they do it?!? it guess they just prioritize it. i prioritize other things.

i've expressed interest in hosting a party. partly because i thought i'd get a gift bag for signing up, and i didn't. but it's a fun excuse to have friends over. except, since it's this lady's business, i'd really encourage friends who are interested in buying, rather than just hanging out.

message me if you're interested in coming! it'll probably be in january.

amused

so i'm hooked on the show "jane the virgin" on netflix. i'm actually really impressed that i haven't been binge watching it at every opportunity, but i want to make it last. it's so funny. i get that it's very soap opera-esque, but it's just a fun watch. it regularly shocks me with plot twists. 

i also like that it's gotten me back into hand-crafts. i haven't been doing hand-crafts in a while, i guess i've just been too busy or too tired or something. but there's something really light about this show that makes me feel capable of getting back into making stuff. 

it's kind of a refreshing change that it's a highly entertaining show without having to push the envelop or be really sexually explicit. it's funny and well crafted. it reminds me of amelie, with the observational narrating. good stuff :)

don't get your back up

years after my highschool boyfriend and i broke up, sarah harmer released a song that described the end of our relationship exactly. i could've written every line. it's like she was spying on us. years later, i told him about the similarity of our break-up and that song.

every time i hear it, i remember those late nights talking in my blue jetta, desperately wanting to go home to sleep, while him badgering me about something or other. it makes me wonder if it reminds him too. but i suppose he'd probably remember it very differently than i do.

mail ordered

to my complete relief, last night was the complete opposite from the night before. YAY!

anyway...

recently i bumped into new acquaintance/friend in shoppers. she was picking up a package, and before thinking about it, i said "what is it?" then noticed the box said "well.ca" on it, and realized it might have been something extremely personal! oops! she thought about it and said vitamins. later on i got thinking about well.ca and i've never ordered anything from there, so i wondered if it offered anything my local drug store did not. so i went to the site and checked it out. before i knew it, i'd ordered $100 worth of stuff! to be fair, i bought a melissa+doug piano for eamon on sale for christmas from his great-nana (she always just gives him cash). i got my packages yesterday, and i'm very pleased! they even had seventh generation training pants! seventh generation is my favourite kind of disposable diapers, and they don't sell them at loblaws anymore.

we made the switch to disposal diapers when we moved. during the summer we found that eamon was peeing through is diapers and clothes within 10 minutes of getting a fresh set. so we decided we'd just pack up his cloth diapers, hoping that he'd soon be on his way to underpants anyway.

i also bought patchouli bar soap :) i love patchouli. it reminds me of having dreads. i wish i could find patchouli scented hair spray, but bar soap might be the next best thing.  

parenting-fail

so last night was a complete gong show over at our place. i feel emotionally hung-over. 

it's not that i got a spotty night of sleep, which was basically a series of cat naps between chaotic episodes, it was the trauma of letting my kid cry thinking he would settle himself, and only cluing much later than he was in pain. about 5 or 6 hours into the night with him crying unconsolably, i noticed eamon grabbing at his foot, and realized that he was probably having growing pains. i used to get them frequently when i was a kid, always at night. 

i'm troubled by our response. i'm troubled about the pressure we felt because we had to get up to go to work in the morning. i'm troubled that i got to work late (that always starts my day off badly). i'm troubled that brendan and i were snappy with each other. i'm troubled that i felt unloving towards eamon this morning. he's just a little kid, and it's external factors (such as work, and neighbours) that caused my negative feelings and response. 

there are times when i feel so ill-prepared and un-motherly that i question my suitability for this venture. my drive into work this morning consisted of me mentally begging for a quick recovery and to feel okay again. for balanced to be restored and to not feel buried in an avalanche of woes. 

divide and conqure

i am not a naturally disciplined person. it generally requires a lot of effort, and well, self-discipline for me to do anything consistently. this week brendan and i implimented a 20-minutes a day cleaning routine where we both set aside 20 minutes to clean/tidy our house. like all new things, i feel really good about this approach.

also, like all new things, this new approach interfered with the new thing i started last week (my stationary bike).

i honestly don't know how other people do it. managing lots of different things. HOW DO YOU DO IT!?!

this evening i tidied the surfaces in our bedroom and actually unpacked a box that has been sitting waiting since august. there's another two in here waiting to be dealt with. tomorrow perhaps!

out

there is a chunk of time after having a baby when activities outside of your home becomes lower in priority. eventually a balance is found between your new kid and other stuff. that chunk of time is different for everyone, and there are a lot of factors. i found i was just getting my equilibrium back when i returned to work, which set me off balance yet again. it was like starting over. but now that i've completed a year as a working mom (with varying degrees of success), and am feeling more settled after moving, i feel like i'm shifting away from navel gazing and back towards the bigger picture.

so... hey! how's it going? what's going on? what's happenin'?

actually, now that i think of it, brendan's job situation also delayed my sense of balance. so basically, it was a year of lots and lots of change. 

with this shift of space, time, energy and freedom, brendan and i have decided to go out more often and have recruited my dad as our 'after bedtime babysitter'. we're able to maintain our routine with eamon, but then can go out because my dad is reading on our couch. unfortunately, he was also barfing on our couch. he's had a chest infection, which combined with his sensitive gag reflex, he's been "bringing up" every evening like clockwork from coughing. i've never had to leave a barf bucket with a babysitter before. he made good use of it. oh dear :S

all that said, our saturday evening outing was really fun and uncomplicated. 

shark bike

a number of months ago, my mom offered me a stationary bike. she said she got it from a friend, and hasn't been using it. i was definitely interested and said i'd take it when we move. so when brendan picked it up, i was surprised to see how vintage it is. it's a very, very old stationary bike. but it works! at least it does on certain settings. i am not someone who likes to exert myself, so thankfully it works best on the lower settings that don't make me have to push myself too much. it's been a few weeks since i've been outside cycling at lunch. partly because my bike was in the back of my car when it was in the shop for 2+ weeks, but also because of the weather. so this week i started using my stationary bike after eamon is in bed. i'm very pleased because i've set it up in the kitchen where i can watch stuff on brendan's computer. i like to watch colbert with b sometimes, so i thought i'd watch him on the late show while i cycle. it's easy to waste a half hour watching comedians on youtube. often times i'm tired by the time eamon is in bed, but cycling energizes me and changes my tiredness from fatigue to sleepy, cozy tiredness. 

now the big mystery is how long can i keep this up before i start coming up with excuses to not do it. i hope i'm able to adopt this as life-style thing. it really couldn't be more convenient. AND the fact that i do it right after putting eamon to bed, it's not like i'm in the middle of something. if all goes well, i may eventually upgrade to a modern stationary bike. at least this way i haven't wasted money, but instead can try this approach out on my vintage bike. 

goat and about

on sunday, eamon and i went downtown to complete some errands. after quickly popping into one store, i decided we should walk down to vandervoorts and decided to leave the stroller in the car and just let eamon walk. other than frequently having to keep him on track, he did very well and really enjoyed himself. it was kind of refreshing to walk beside him and sometimes walk holding hands, instead of pushing a stroller. on the way, i decided we should go for a date to the goat to share a muffin after vandervoorts. i can't remember being at the goat with eamon before, it's very possible that that was his first time there. we sat at a table by the window, me with my tea and him with a mason jar of milk. it was the sweetest. i really had a lovely time with him. it gave me a taste of the next phase we're transitioning into. there were some dogs outside on the sidewalk playing while we were there. he kept saying "puppy, puppy", and i said "that's right, how many puppies are there?" and he said "two!", which surprised me. he's really developing quickly. 

all this to say... i don't know if it's our new neighbourhood, or the season, or our current phase of life, or our work/daycare routine, it's probably a combination of all those things, but we haven't been venturing out as much as i'd like to. saturdays are taken up by chores with a pause for a nap in the middle. maybe i should skip grocery shopping some saturday mornings and take him to the goat instead. although, it might be busy there. or not, would the goat be busy by 9:00 am on a saturday?

now that we're down to just one car, i have less freedom than before. because we're sharing a car means i can't just come and go as i please. but i think it's important to keep doing fun things. life is too short to let logistics get in the way of living. 

fresh start with all hallow's eve

when i was around 6, my parents decided they did not want us trick or treating anymore because of halloween's association with "evil". in recent years, since my sister has started taking her kids trick or treating, they've significantly relaxed about it. it's actually never came up that it's something they used to be against. this kind of bothers me because i missed out on a fun childhood experience, while they seem oblivious that i might be disappointed about that. 

anyway, in recent years i've been participating in the "halloween harvest" which collects food for the food drive, and that's been nice. it started help re-introduce me to halloween. but this year, was the first time that eamon was old enough to trick or treat, and i had a super fun time :) he was so excited and got really into it. i'd never heard him say "bag" before, but he was very insistent on carrying the bag, and kept saying "bag, bag" if we tried to help him carry it.

it's really nice that halloween has been redeemed for me, and i look forward to many years taking him around and meeting neighbours. 

plus, after brain storming costume ideas for several months, we were really happy with the little aviator costume we came up with. we're 3 for 3 on costumes :)

transformer

when i heard there was a large power-outage in parts of kingston on tuesday, i wondered what eamon's daycare was going to do. so i wasn't surprised when i got a call within the hours saying that they have a two-hour policy when there is no power, and we'd have to pick him up by 11:30. so i scrambled calling various family members, trying to figure out how to get them a key, calling brendan's co-worker's cell phones, etc. eventually we came up with a plan that joy would pick up eamon, go by brendan's work for a key and meet my dad at our house to take care of eamon while joy went to work. it was a bit chaotic, but everything came together really well, and the power even came back on at our house minutes after they arrived.

it was my dad's first time babysitting him. he used to provide childcare for joy's kids, so part of me thought he'd do fine, but another part of me worried because he's quite a bit older now. plus, he has been known to be a bit neglectful, resulting in the kids clogging the toilet with toys on my dad's watch. 

sounds like they got on like a house on fire. i'm so pleased. i want eamon to bond with him, and vise versa, and often times that requires alone-time together. i think my dad was very proud, which is why i decided not to tell him that he'd put eamon's diaper on backwards so it leaked all over his clothes and bed during his nap :)

afterwards he told me that eamon is such a sweet little guy who interacted really well and gave him no trouble. and that he thinks we're doing a really great job. pretty high praise, it's nice getting that kind of reassurance. 

bail?

well, it was a bit of an embarrassing day as far as media coverage goes, but in spite of that i had the best day at work in a while.

i was thinking today about how my workplace and my role there has shaped who i am. specifically how my mom thinks i plan everything in advance down to all the small details. the thing is, that's my job! we have events and happenings that are planned literary years in advance. after a while, it come to be second nature to think that way. but i like this approach of taking things a day at a time. granted, i don't really know how to do that, and where the line is. like, if i think of anything for tomorrow, in a few days time, or next week, am i not taking it a day at a time anymore?

i guess i'll figure it out as i go.

ouch

i feel like i'm going down with a sinking ship (or maybe instead bobbing in a marooned ship without a life raft).

Bombardier Inc could be barred from bidding on future Toronto Transit ...

Toronto Transit may sue Bombardier over new streetcar delays, says chairman

Quebec government expected to throw Bombardier Inc a lifeline on Thursday

and this is just the stuff that appears on my regular google news feed :S

stand in the place where are

i have this unfair habit of living in the future. unfair because it makes me dismissive of my presence, which is unfortunate, especially after working and pining for my current reality. my mom often remarks that i get more excited during the planning stages than i do in the execution state. i've never had a problem with that, so i've always just shrugged off her comments. but now it's giving me pause.

i'm worried about my lack of presence. i'm wondering if i have an escapism mentality, always wanting away.

life is never perfect, so how do we deal with life's disappointments? how do we manage through the hard bits while remaining present?

i don't really know. but i think it's time for me to find out. i usually just wait discontent out, knowing things will eventually change. but i'd like to be really present, and live boldly in the face of difficulty. it's not my instinct at all, but something's gotta give, and it's not gonna be all the external factors.

what was golden went grey

i'm in a funny head space. i think PMS is doing a number on me at the moment. i'm sad and tired. i've been listening to "peach, plum, pear" on repeat, which probably isn't a good sign, but at the same time it is, because at least i know what soothes me.

i guess, the thing is, that you should be careful what you say to me, because i believed you. and now i don't know what to do with myself.

and i have read the right books
to interpret your looks
you were knocking me down
with the palm of your eye

this was unlike the story
it was written to be
i was riding its back
when it used to ride me

and we were galloping manic
to the mouth of the source
we were swallowing panic
in the face of its force

and i am blue
i am blue and unwell
made me bolt like a horse

nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah...

and you've changed some

for what it's worth

this afternoon, i finished 'go set a watchman. i'd heard a number of things about that book before it came to be in my possession, and had pretty much decided not to bother with it. however, one of our three wonderful sets of tenants gave us a copy, so i thought i'd give it a go.

it was alright. it was a good little book and i was enjoying it. it wasn't amazing or anything, but i liked it. then i got to the end, which is when it really blossomed for me. and when i closed the back cover, i was struck by the strong (i might even say profound) impression it left on me.

i know the expression "coming of age" has been thrown around a lot by reviewers, publishers and film-makers, but this was the first 'coming of age' story that i could relate to. yes, she was 26, but some of us come of age when we're older.

i feel like this book has gotten a bit of a bum wrap from the press. i think harper lee should be proud of it. it's lovely in its own right.

winter's coming...

i spent the better part of an hour blow-drying our large living room window tonight. we decided to put insulation plastic on it because it's such a large surface and it made the room feel chilly. it was SO BORING. hopefully i'll be worth it. i'm worried that eamon or someone else will accidentally stab it and break the plastic, rendering my time spent useless. i also want to put some in our shower window. showering right beside a exterior window, especially in the morning, is unpleasant.

head scratcher

i have to admit something... i've been rather puzzled about why CBC radio 2 has been making such a big deal about the "jagged little pill" 20th anniversary. it's weird to me. you'd think canada had never produced a commercially successful album before. 

rain and shine

thankfully eamon's sleeping has turned a corner, and he's going to bed again like his usual self. hooray! we actually put him down early since he had a short nap this afternoon. and now i'm finding i have extra time on my hands that i don't know what to do with :S strange problem to have.

well actually, i spoke too soon... brendan's going to run to the store for a chip run, and then we're going to watch sitcoms on netflix.

in the meantime, i should empty the dishwasher and then put more dishes in it. i super love had a dishwasher, but i'm slightly afraid of it because of the movie "garden state".

"where's dada?"

it's really neat watching your partner grow into a soft-hearted dada. brendan has been a great dad with a special way with eamon since day one, but i can see how being a parent changes him every day. he was one proud fella yesterday when we got the proofs of eamon's school pictures. his heart swelled. it's really lovely and a beautiful transformation.  

spectrum

for whatever reason, i'm always alone when watching election results. that's not a bad thing, just something i noticed. this has been an particularly interesting evening of results. it's been enjoyable to see things mixed up a bit!

lately, eamon does not like sleeping in his room alone. we have to cuddle him in his room til he's asleep or almost asleep. sometimes it takes an hour. i'm trying to keep perspective; i get to hold and cuddle him, which is not something i get to do when he's awake and busy, and time is passing quickly, it won't be long before he doesn't want to be cuddled to sleep. it just takes SO LONG and i have such little time left when i'm finally able to sneak out of his room.

cardboard

i've discovered that we have a lot of junk in our storage room several (or should i say 'many') boxes containing random things we don't need. junk that i crammed into boxes as long ago as 4 years ago. i made a good dent into them this afternoon though, so that's good.

however, i CANNOT find our bag/box/basket or winter hats and mitts. it's so annoying! i had really good hats and mitts, and the day is approaching that we're gonna need them. even just light hats and mitts. i have one more place to look, but i don't have much hope, because i don't remember packing them in that closet in the first place. i know exactly where they were on main street.

unhappen

after 2+ weeks in the shop, we finally got our car back! i'm so glad. we didn't like our rental car, although we were thankful to have it. the only thing i don't like is that our car has lots of garbage in it.

the car repair itself was $8500

the car rental was $740

and the new car seat was over $200

and we didn't have to pay for any of it! we're SOOOOO grateful.

i drive more defensively than i used to. i don't want to have another accident with this car. we like it and want to keep it.

i frequently get called lori now that my last name is lorimer.

people can't remember my name, and just remember the last word they heard.

except, sometimes it happens in emails too. 

lori lorimer. i bet there's someone out there named that. 

ccccchanges

ohmygoodness.... eamon slept through the night! this is the first time in a really long time. maybe not since our move. WHAT A RELIEF! granted, this may not be a pattern, he might not do it again tonight, but it couldn't have come at a better time since the previous night was the worst!

us lorimers are really in a season of change. after this weekend, we will be returning to a one-car family. brendan's taking his pt crusier into the wreakers. it's in really bad shape and is really unsafe. it will be an adjustment, more for brendan than for me, but i think it's worth it. that car has been cursed since before we inherited it. while i'm happy to see it go, i recognize that the timing isn't great. having to walk or take the bus more is better (easier, more bearable) in warmer weather, but those unresponsive breaks in the winter-weather would be bad news. so good-bye, bjrk - i hate you. 

tackled

i had THE worst night's sleep last night. eamon was up calling for me (and refused to be cuddled by brendan). then i was wide awake for 2 hours, and i tossed and turned getting upset and worked up about stuff at work. i did fall a few more hours of sleep and woke up with more resolve than i had in the night. i've got to pull it together because i can see myself slipping into a severely discouraged headspace. thankfully when i decide not to let life pin me down, i can usually dig myself out and get on top of things. fingers crossed!

did i tell you i'm still driving that rental car? it's been over 2 weeks now. i really want my kia back.

gut-rot

after 6 days off, i found it extremely difficult to get up this morning at 5:30. it really is the middle of the night :S

here's hoping i'll adjust quickly and easily!

perma-date

today brendan turned 27.

i've been waiting for this day for more than 6 years. back before we were dating, and friends would say to me "why don't you date brendan?" i would say "he's only 20! i'd date him if he was 27". for some reason, 27 didn't seem like a kid anymore. obviously i didn't wait, and i'm glad i didn't.

let me do the date-a-younger-man math:

i'm 35.

divided by 2 is 17.5

plus 7

equals 24.5

i am officially in the clear.

we've also been together for 6 years. having our first real date on october 12, 2009. i'm really happy with the life we've built together. he's a good man, a good partner, and i'm so grateful to live my life with him.

on a completely different note, i think we've turned a corner with eamon's potty training! he's starting to get it!

naps

i frequently need to remind myself that resting is a legitimate use of my time. back when i was on mat leave, i came to understand this, but slowly since i've been back at work, i put more value on it. i think it's because my time is more limited and i want to use it doing stuff i don't usually get to do. which does include resting.

stale

sometimes my heart aches being away from my kid, and that makes everything else feel awful.
i know that's making me catastrophize everything in my head, but i feel super trapped and desperate.

i was telling brendan the other day about my new office.
"now, in my new office, i'm not just figuratively alone anymore, i'm literally alone"
he thought that was the funniest sad thing he's ever heard.

don't get me wrong. i really like my new office. but it does make me feel like "holy @&%$, is this my life now?" i feel like i'm in a dead-end.

this weekend...

- les gets new office at work

- les and b host wine tasting party

- les gives eamon a decent haircut

- eamon pukes in supermarket

- brendan gets a dryer off kijiji (another thing strucked off our to-do list)

- les falls asleep watching netflix at 8:45 and doesn't wake up again except to get into pjs

- les pedals brendan's bike to next despite a flat tire and seized brakes

- brendan's bike is stolen from next

stuff

i've been falling asleep really early this week. the nice thing is that i've also been waking before my alarm clock, which shows i'm not sleep deprived due to late nights.

anyway... on wednesday, i had a minor car accident. significant enough that my car will be in the shop for the next week :S it's a real drag, and i miss the familiarity of our car. plus, it's a nice car!

despite all this, everything is going smoothly with getting it fixed. thankfully it's just superficial damage. we've also addressed a bunch of things from our to-do list and i feel like the amount of stuff we have to do or deal with is getting lighter.

slowly, slowly, slowly

i feel like i'm starting to get stuff off my mental "to do" list.

washing machine fixed - check!

book done - check!

downstairs ready for guy - check!

with each thing completed i feel life getting lighter.

do you think its possible that the super moon made my period come nearly a week early? this has NEVER happened to me before.

red

brendan and i stood out on our back porch together looking at the red super moon. it's an awfully beautiful sight. although, i have to admit, i'm glad there's some kind of explanation for it, because otherwise, it would seem very ominous.

i dug out our winter duvet last night.

it's the best.

the best.

crushed

well... this has been a day of highs and lows.

i had a very discouraging conversation (or rather, had to listen to a very discouraging conversation) last night with some folks who have a very different worldview than me. it just sucked all my hope and made me want to give up on life :S

THEN, i had an alright time at work, which made me feel i could last there a little while longer there.

THEN, brendan and i got a stove for our downstairs kitchen and had A DICKENS of a time getting it in the house and down the stairs. i think we successfully broke it in three or four different places, and almost died twice. nothing like saving a few bux by moving it yourself and then wishing you could pay twice its value for to go back in time.

THANKFULLY, i made some significant progress with two other big projects this afternoon/evening. éamon took the bus home with his nana for dinner so i could make up for the lost time caused by the stove.

so now that the day is nearly done, i can confidently say that despite several set backs, today a success :)

downhill

i think i have the growth potential to become a hoarder. not the traditional kind who can't throw anything out. i'm pretty good at that. it's more the temptation to stock up on non-perishable food items. in recent years i've gotten good at purchasing things to have in the pantry for unplanned baking or cooking events. i like being equipped to bake/cook without lots of prior notice. the problem (or the potential problem) is i'm feeling an impulse to double-up on my supplies. worries such as "what if we use that tomato paste and forget to get another one!", have been creeping in, which is why i desire two of things instead of one. this could easily creep into 4, 6 or more items of the same thing...

medical mystery solved

I went to the hospital last night shortly after midnight. my headache was not getting better despite the painkillers I tried and I also became feverish, achey all over and nauseated. brendan and I decided I should take a cab and he stayed behind with eamon.

it was a slow process (nearly two hours from the time I decided to go in), but I didn't feel rushed because I'd already decided not to go to work. I didn't mind the wait once I had a bed to lie on.

long story short, I have a uti and all that other stuff were just side effects. they gave me a wack of pills and I eventually felt much better. my headache persisted a little, but is now pretty much gone. I haven't needed any else for it.

I could hear eamon crying this morning, calling "mommy, mama" when brendan went in to get him up. it really breaks my heart. I wish I could just not go back to work..

Sent from my iPod

beyond

things are not going particularly well these days.

and by that i mean my ability to cope with inclimate life conditions. i'm really hoping it's the tornado around me, and not just a decrease in my well-being.

i have my very first migraine. i've never had one before. my eyes are sore when i move then, and my head pulses when i move it. i went to bed at 9:30 last night thinking i'd sleep it off, but it was still there in the morning, which was when i started realizing it was a migraine. i've been wearing a cold pack on my head all day, which has helped, but now it's room temperature.

being sick can be super inconvenient, i had things to do today. i really want to be well enough for work tomorrow since i recently had that other sick day. 

i'm finding myself looking forward/wishing we were a few years down the road, and éamon was 6. i feel like the parenting game will really start to change then. he'll be able to sit for longer, and understand why we tell him "no" and not just think we're being jerks. i don't want to wish this age away though. i'm sure that part of parenting is thinking the grass is greener in other stages. i'm just worn out. he is SUCH a busy kid and he's always breaking stuff, or getting into things he shouldn't, or stripping naked in his crib during nap time or having tantrums in public :S

i should balance out myself by saying, he's also very sweet and smart, he has an old soul and loves to play guitar. this morning he took his guitar and sat on the floor against the wall and strummed and sang while i lied immobile on the couch. i can't let myself overlook the easier stuff. it's just, i'm way outside my element right now, and migraines and working full time is making it so much worse. 

better

i really like warm weather, but i think i'm ready for fall, so all this summer like weather is throwing me off.

yesterday i met both our neighbours on each side. the lady on the south side was michelle and the lady on the north side was song.

the other day i twisted my ankle funny when i was trying to get into my car. as i stumbled and regained my balance, i looked around me for passerby-ers who might have seen me and might be concerned. and was surprised to find our street was empty. it felt funny. several minutes later, i closed my window on my own arm by accident. it was a rough 3 minutes.

under-equipped

i've heard from several people that "terrible twos" is a misnomer and it's actually the "terrible threes" you've got to watch out for. and i have to say that if this current phase of tantrums and attitude and hitting and being a little monster when we're at the public library is NOT the terrible twos, than i'm gonna lose my mind.

i had someone from next over the other day who comments that eamon's a totally different kid when he's at home. which just confirms my suspicions that there are folks who think he's a little brat and that at home he was actually a pleasant person to be around. i've observed that being at church is both overwhelming and overstimulating for him, which is not a good combination. PLUS his dada is on stage and i'm constantly trying to block him from going up there.

we're in a rough stage, and this is no doubt made worse by working hours and general life stresses.

alike

i like my hair today.

i got a new hair spray because it was on sale and i was all out. but i like this one better.

honey has fleas.

it's gross.

she's been avoiding standing or sitting on the floor. it reminds me of when i was a kid and we'd pretend the ground was lava.

i went to the pet store, prepared to buy the most expensive kind available, but it turns out that's only available via prescription. so we're plum out of luck.

berber

you know that you've really become a grownup when you're excited about new carpet.

we got carpet installed in our basement on friday, and it looks GREAT! i'm so pleased. eamon and i ran around in circles enjoying the new rec room. it's funny, because it cost about as much as simple oversea vacation (meaning, not an elaborate one with lots of frills), and compared to a holiday carpet seems very dull. but when i'm there i feel excited thinking about our kids playing in that space. the forts and imaginative play :) joy and i practically lived in our rec room/play room as kids, and i can't imagine growing up without it.

it makes me happy. and what a relief! we're really starting to see the results of our hard work around here.

sponge

the ironic thing about me making a smoothy with plums so they didn't go to waste is that i ended up knocking over my blender in the process and wasted at least a third of it and one small container of yogurt.

in my frustration i loudly went "AAAAAAAA-UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH".

then from the other room i could hear a little voice imitating me "aaauuugghh" and brendan saying "yes, that IS what mama said."

sometimes imitation is not that flattering.

paused

it's so dark out. it feels like bedtime.

after eamon was down and the dishes were done, i sat out front with a cider in the dark. it was nice. i liked the easy pace. it's funny, because even though it was the only thing i wanted to do, i felt rushed. like i needed to move on to the next thing. i'd overcome that tendency while i'm on mat leave. it's disappointing that it's back, but i'm not surprised. just goes to show that i need to make a habit of doing that. it's easy for me to get swept up in a fast pace that i'm unhappy with. i need to counter act that.

this might be the first evening since july that i had nothing i had to do. what a nice change. i think i'll lie around a bit and probably read before heading to bed early.

12 books

once again, i woke in the night and couldn't fall back asleep. the annoying thing is that i don't even has as much on the go! i laid there trying some breathing techniques that scarlete was telling me about yesterday, and it did help, only i dozed back to sleep around 4:45 and had to wake up at 5:30.

after eamon was settled in bed and i'd finished cleaning the bathroom, i sat out front on our porch under the cover of night. it was calming and gentle, and reminded me of my old balcony.

it's hot and i feel all clammy. i'm gonna post this then go to bed.

last night i finished the last coat of paint in the basement. now i can move on to (or get back to) unpacking. tonight we hung a bunch of art in the living room and our bedroom. i feel we're on our way to normal.

and as i start to make a turn towards normal, i want to start getting more intentional about again about my sleeping habits and connecting with others. on the weeks that brendan works evenings, i'm pretty cooped up and i can't get out as easily as i'd like. it's easily to become or feel isolated. and i'm not always good at reaching out, unless when i feel a sense of urgency.

this afternoon i had a nice walk with scarlete along the water front. it was good to connect with her. i think it was good for both of us.

yard poops

i ran out of paint for my second coat in the rec room.

i like painting, but i've concluded that i'm a real reckless painter. thankfully, i've started wearing a painting apron, which keeps me from getting covered. i don't know why i didn't wear an apron before!

brendan mowed the lawn the other day with our (new to us) lawn mower. he looked very grown up. it made him seem twice his age.

bird hits your windshield

that picture of that 3 year old boy is too much for me. he reminds me so much of éamon, i can't bare to see it again. i'm pretty deeply disturbed. sometimes life just feels like one big oxymoron. on one hand it's deeply disturbing, and on the other hand life is beautiful and amazing. sometimes i feel like i'd be ok with the good side of life just being moderately ok if it meant the bad side of life was only mildly bad.

7+9

FINALLY, for the first time in over a week, i actually had a productive day!

i got the downstairs bedroom finished painting (it needed a bunch of touch ups, and some white paint, etc). i put a second coat on the kitchen walls, AND i painted the kitchen floor. i can't express what a relief it was for me to actually make some progress. this really reduces my feelings of being overwhelmed.

argh

today we faced one of those parenting urban legends. the one when the kid is supposed to be napping, but instead takes of their poopy diaper and spreads the poop around the room. there have been many occasions, for one reason or another, that eamon has had a diaper misfunction and we've thought "oh, we are so lucky that it wasn't poopy". no so lucky today :S

sandy

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. first because of excitement, then from having lots to do, now my brain is just really busy and i lie there wide awake. last night i took a sleep-aid, two of them. i slept really well. even when eamon woke in the night and wouldn't settle himself back to sleep. i was worried that i wouldn't fall back to sleep either, but i did. i was a bit groggy this morning, so if i take them again tonight, i think i'll just take one. i'm not sure how long i'll take them for, but probably a few nights in a row will help.

yesterday i wasn't feeling well, and i stayed home from work. come evening i was a bit loopy and talking random stuff endlessly. it makes brendan a little annoyed when i do that. i guess he would say i'm annoying, it's not that he's annoyed :p

i'm hoping to get back into my usual sleep routine soon.

oops

well... believe it or not, we accidentally didn't feed our cat for 2 weeks :S

in our defence, we did think we were feeding her and were wondering why she wasn't eating. today, brendan picked up her food bowl and said to her "honey, is there a reason why you're not eating this food?" then looked in the bowl and realized the food was all moldy. it turns out the food got all wet at some point during the move. it got all stuck together and moldy. so, naturally, she didn't eat it. she has been adjusting really well to our new home, so we had no clue there was anything wrong. and it's not unlike her to go through phases of not eating. BUT i'm glad we got that figured out before more time passed.

we feel pretty badly about it. she was probably feeling like "i like this new house, but the food here SUCKS!".

coats of paint

our new tenants moved into main street tonight. i was surprised to discover that it feels weird to think of other people living there. and when i go by tomorrow to drop off the keys, that i will need to knock on the door and wait for them to come answer it. i think it'll be ok though. it's the start of us establishing our new normal.

it seems the house we didn't end up buying has reappeared on the market with a new realtor and a new higher price. i'm really glad we didn't buy that house though. our brant house is so much better for us, and we LOVE the park out back.

i struggle sometimes with worry that our tenants will be unhappy and that they'll resent me if the house is in anyway disappointing. i wonder if i'm a little bit of an overachieving landlord because of a desire for affirmation from them. i think i need to work through this and set some landlord-tenant boundaries. it's reasonable for me for strive to be a good landlord, and keep the house(s) in good shape. ultimately i want to take care of our rental spaces so that if i lived there, that i'd be happy with their condition, etc. but it's easy to seek approval when i shouldn't. since we plan to be landlords for a long time, i'm gonna have to work on said boundaries.

that house

i'm physically tired, but not really for sleep yet. i walked down the hall to see cheerios and a tipped over sippy cup on the table, dirty dishes stacked in the kitchen, toys scattered all over the living room floor and boxes waiting to be unpacked.

there just isn't enough time. i suspect that several boxes will remain unpacked for years to come. some boxes just aren't a priority. right now i don't want to do any of it.

ripped shirt

i hadn't realized it, but it's been a while since i did some freelance/pro bono design work at home in the evenings. i definitely have preferences of what kind of design i like, and what i don't like as much, so sometimes i'm less eager than other times. BUT...

i had a really enjoyable evening working on the layout of a book.

good tunes, indesign, no bra. it was really enjoyable. i don't get to truly stretch my design muscles at work. it just felt good to be creative. i used to have more creative outlets. when we first were getting unpacked here i found a thick folder full of old next standards, and it reminded me of how fun that was to do. it was super time consuming, but i really liked it.

if i had a beverage in my hand, i would make a toast saying "here's to fun, creative design work (and no bras)".

down then up

i've had an odd 12 hours. 

1) last night eamon did not want to go to bed and put up a big fight. 

2) since i'd had such a dull and lethargic day, i thought it would do me good to spend the evening painting the bedroom in the basement. i've always just bought the most affordable can of paint before, but when we had the exile painted for our new tenants, our painter told us to buy a good quality can because it covers better. so that's what i did for our basement paint, and to my delight, it said on the can that it had a built-in primer and should only need one coat! which is amazing because i painted on saturday with some old paint from the maxipad and it took 3 coats. so i got to work thinking it would only take an hour. but unfortunately, i got started later than planned because of my bed-time reluctant toddler. i painted the evening away in silence - just me, some paint and my thoughts. i'm quite happy with how it turned out. it's a nice colour and when the flooring gets installed, i think it will be a really livable room - friendly, yet sophisticated. 

3) when i was done, it was nearly 11 (it took 1.5 coats, plus tape and cutting in), but i wanted some downtime, so i got some leftover salad, some mediocre cookies i baked on the weekend (i didn't mix in the baking powder very well), and some cider and watched an episode of 30 rock. it was nice, because i was still up when b got home. 

4) unfortunately, as the murphy's law of parenting predicts (the later you stay up, the earlier your kid wakes up), eamon woke at 3 am upset. so i thought i'd bring him into bed with us til he got sleepy. that worked ok. he likes to cuddle with me in bed. unfortunately (again) within 10 minutes, his diaper leaked and our bed was soaked (we've been having this problem regularly lately). so, after changing him, we put him back into his bed, and just got a towel to cover the wet spot. it took me a long time to fall asleep again after that, when when my alarm clock went off 2 hours later, i was not ready to get up. 

5) unfortunately (AGAIN), because i had loads of paint in my hair, i had to shower even though i was already late, which made me later :S 

6) but on the bright side, i decided to have a sing-a-long on the way to work. i've heard that singing is a good stress reliever and i thought it would be invigorating. so i dug out a mixed cd in the car that i knew had lots of my favourites, and set off. that was just what i needed to redeem my day (possibly my whole week!). and i'm feeling back to normal now :) 

drag

i hate being bored.

it's probably one of the most demotivating and deflating mental states.

it's been one of those days when i can't get myself out of a funk. being at work was dull and i really missed marilyn. i've never been a social butterfly at work. i generally keep to myself, and do my job. but i've enjoyed a handful of more outgoing, chatty workmates over the years. right now i'm in a real dry spell and it's depressing. i kind of feels self-generated. that it's my fault for being shy and withdrawn. my social needs are limited and i get those met outside of work. 

in every area of my life, i'm constantly struggling to find the balance between too much and too little. it's like i have a goldilocks complex.

blah.

empty

i suspect that hearing about someone unpacking is one of the most boring things. which leaves me short on things to share about.

i will say this... there's something satisfying about getting your box of tea unpacked, finding a good place to put the contents, and knowing where you'll quickly get your hands on it next time you're in want of a cuppa.

other than that, b and i tried to rest today. we watched an episode of 'friday night lights' and then had a nap. it was good.

growing up

i made two purchases on kijiji today.

1) a lawnmower

2) binoculars

we, obviously, need the lawnmower to our lawn. the grass isn't really growing, but the weeds are. it feels very grown up to own a lawnmower, and it's a nice one too. it's gas. i've only ever mowed with electric, and brendan's only ever mowed with gas. this will be a new experience for me.

the other purchase is more odd, and could be considered sketchy. i wanted to get binoculars to see people at the playground and the soccer field. we managed to spot garry and shannon at the soccer field on monday with the naked eye, but i want to be able to identify people more easily. and when eamon is bigger to see what he's up to at the climber. so i found a brand new pair on kijiji for $15! brendan finds it weird – he thinks i'm becoming "one of THOSE neighbours". i'm keeping them on top of the china cabinet for easy people watching.

bearings

we're feeling more and more at home here on brant ave.

although, we both feel like we're staying at someone's cottage or something. we've quickly adjusted and really like it here, but there's a certain temporary feel to everything. perhaps it's because daily routines feel novel.

last night our neighbours had a fire going in their backyard and the campfire scent wafted through the windows. which just added to that cottage-feeling.

the hood

i walked down to giant tiger today to pick up some things while brendan had the car in napanee. it was good to get better acquainted with this part of town. on the way i thought about how odd it feels that we went from 1 house with 1 rental unit, to 2 houses with 3 rental units. it's nuts! we're really landlords now!

i'm super tired. i haven't had an early night since we moved here. so i'm going to crawl into bed now.

first days

we've moved all our stuff over to our new house now. we're currently living among boxes, but on the whole have been able to put our hand to what we need pretty well. eamon slept through the night last night, so i think he's adjusting well. he LOVES the backyard. he's been over to the park a few times, but is just as happy in the backyard. it's interesting how a neighbour cultures vary because of subtle differences. we've noticed that the playground at our park is often vacant, while at skeleton park it's always in use. but that's because most of the kids in kingscourt have their own backyard and many have their own play structures. i'm sure we'll still go to the park a lot. i like the community aspect of that.

our room faces the park and sometimes at night i think i heard people playing in the park. i don't know if that's actually happening or if i'm imagining things. this morning, when i got up for work, the field was all foggy and the sun was glistening on the dew. it was a lovely scene.

having a kitchen table is blowing our minds. we often have to remind ourselves that it exists. i'm a little worried that we won't use our living room as much because we eat in the dining room and my computer is in our bedroom. but our living room is so lovely that it would be a shame to not use it very much. we got this really nice new couch on kijiji on saturday, and on the whole, the room is coming together really nicely.

i think i'll have to paint our bedroom. i thought it was cream coloured, but it's actually plain white :S it's not even a warm white. i always find plain white like that makes me feel like my brain is going to implode.

the end of exile

tonight is our last night here at our exile on main street. who knows, maybe someday we'll move back here when we're old. but for now, it's our last night.

this has been a great home for us. i feel in many ways brendan and i have come into our own as individuals and as partners in this space. i've loved working on the house with small and large improvements over the years. i'm proud of the house it's becoming. i'm glad our relationship is just changing and not ending. when we moved last time, it was the end of our relationship (it turned into a place we used to live), where the exile remains ours, even if we're not living in it. 

our new place (or as our realtor calls it "our forever home") is just a short bike ride away. i'm actually really excited about having more of a reason to cycle places. 

i should go. i'm pretty tired. 

it's a bittersweet night.

hammers

this evening, éamon and i went out for dinner at saigon delights. most of our kitchen is packed up, so i'm trying to avoid cooking. we sat at the window seat, across from one another and he pointed out the window at the trucks and motorcycles that passed. he was a good date.

my mom commented last night as we chatted on the phone, that i get to get more excited before an event. actually she said i get more excited about "planning". i told her that i didn't think it was planning that i'm excited about, but i think it's the anticipation that i find exciting. sarah told me once that anticipation is most of the fun. i think that's true a lot of the time. or at least it's special in it's own way, different than the realization phase.

sometimes it feels good to have a cry while talking to your mom on the phone. i feel a lot better.

countdown

hmm mmm "rachel's" buttertarts are so delicious.

also...

now that we're down to our last week on main street, i'm feeling eager to just get this week over with. unfortunately, this week will be filled with more packing, my mid-year performance evaluation, errands and spending money. ugh. sounds like a real drag.

flaws

*pfff* i'm having a super difficult time not being annoyed or expressing exasperation. i honestly didn't know how sensitive i am. i worry, i take things personally, i stew, and i need to lighten up and get more thick skinned.

SO WHAT if my dad made a dismissive comment about how 'george' is eamon's last middle name. it was kind and thoughtful of us to give him that middle name, and we had good reasons for the order. so i'm gonna try to not be irritated and/or upset by that. perhaps this is an indication of where i got my annoyed attitude from – someone who gets annoyed about small things. i mention this, despite the fact that i'm trying to stop venting frustrating, because it's a prime example of the types of things that get under my skin :S

our house definitely looks like we're moving now. one week today and we'll be in our new place!

evolving

now that i've identified myself as a generally annoyed person, i seeing things more clearly. partly because i'm recognizing that i'm the problem, not the situations, circumstances or people that i'm annoyed by. the other part is that this is helping me recognize that being perpetually annoyed is super anti-social behaviour. i'd have to say it's my biggest anti-social vice. since i believe in the value of being pro-social, i've gots to cancel out my annoyed attitude. i wonder what the opposite of annoyed is...

[checks dictionary]
Near Antonyms for 'Annoyed' delighted, pleased; content, happy, satisfied; calm, pacific, peaceable, placid, serene, tranquil

interesting! these are all good things. although, pacific seems a little out of place, but i trust that the dictionary knows what it's talking about.

being an annoyed person, i get annoyed at myself too. for example... yesterday, i rinsed out my tea infuser to make a fresh cup of tea. and instead of filling my tea cup with water, i 'filled' just the tea infuser (sans tea cup), and sprayed hot water everywhere. now... that's not a delightful, pleasing or happy situation, but i suppose i could choose to be grateful that i wasn't severely burnt or anything. while i can't be pro-social with myself, i could exercise self-kindness and not call myself an idiot.

oh learning curves...
when will i get the hang of being a proper human?

all because of a noisy toilet

we all have our 'thing' that is linked to our most difficult and unflattering trait.

mine is easily being annoyed or irritated. i'm pretty much always annoyed or irritated on some level. it's always right below the surface. even when i'm having a great day, if the right topic comes up in conversation it just spills out. i know other people like this too. i've concluded this low-level, perpetual annoyance is managed through talking out about the latest, most annoying thing to whoever will listen. this usually doesn't involve talking to the annoying person. partly because my annoyance is small, and usually opinion based. plus, i regularly forget about it later on.

this is actually difficult for me to admit, because i'm not proud of it. i'd rather not draw attention to this trait, just in case others haven't noticed it.

all that said, when it comes to irritation and my partner, i let it all hang out. i don't spare him any of my thoughts, frustrations, or unkind words when expressing my annoyance. and the poor guy is blind-sided by my below-the-belt comments that exceed the cutting words and oddly perceptive remarks that only an entitled teenager is capable of. in moments like that, i don't much like myself, but i've just pushed away my closest ally, so i just commit and stand by what i've said. it's too late to recant, so i just dive right in.

i really don't know if it's possible to do things differently. i guess one thing i could do is use my self-awareness skills and try to stop myself before my annoyance snowballs.

somethings ever change.

wrapping

tomorrow i return to work from a nice at-home mini-break. it was good to do regular, at home stuff and to spend extra time with eamon. that said, i don't mind returning to work. i love having my freedom, but having a little bit of structure is good for me, plus my job makes my world bigger and is good exercise for my brain.

all of this said, i really enjoy spending time with éamon. i feel like he makes me feel fun. and i like our relationship dynamic. 

ridge

4 days away from work, and i still have one more day off :) i'm really enjoying this 5 day long weekend. i'm going to do this again sometime.

beckie, éamon and i swam in the rain in malcolm lake. it was lovely.

hurricane

sometimes brendan and i talk together about how often we're reminded of what a big impact parents have on their adult children. so many people have baggage, or worldviews, or self-views, or hang-ups, etc etc, because one parent, both parents, their parents relationship with each other, or their parents relationships with other people. it's kind of good to get this reminder. it helps us put our role as parents in perspective, and to remember that we are trying to raise a healthy, aware, fully-functioning adult.

i'm going to take another stab at the book "middlemarch".

best things about my mini summer vacation so far are...

- staying up past my bedtime

- "sleeping in" til 7

- hanging out with my kid all day

- going to the beach at grass creek park

- royal angkor take out for lunch

- going to yellow bike action for a new bike for b

- summer afternoon naps

- visit with rach last night

- dinner with bren and her kids tonight

- finishing my library book a week before the return date

lady books

each time i finish a book with a female protagonist i have the difficult task of trying to find another good book about women. thankfully, i always find something, but it requires much more looking than it should.

my latest book is called "the boston girl", by anita diamant. she's the same wome who wrote "the red tent", which many of you have read and loved. this one is set in a totally different place and time (boston in the early 1900s), but it's really good too. it's like "call the midwife" meets "fiddler on the roof". i really recommend it. it's a 85 year old woman, telling her life story to her adult granddaughter.

it's a library book, so i've been having to read it at a much faster pace, but that hasn't been a challenge because i enjoy it so much.

collection

while at chapters last week, i saw a drinking glass for sale with a russian doll on it – like this. i really liked it, but it was $21 for one! too bad. maybe i'll get one on clearance. but it got me thinking... i like novelty drinking glasses with colourful graphics. so i think i'll start collecting them until our whole glassware collection is an interesting assortment of designs.

i've also realized lately how much i like owls.

i also like feathers and octopuses.

perhaps i'll find some drinking glasses with those things on them.

escape

i'm pretty good at taking care of things. and because of that i don't usually think to ask for help. but tonight, as i tried to organize the house, and prepare/clean up dinner, and do some packing, i felt overwhelmed. so i called my mother-in-law to see if she could help with éamon while i did some stuff around the house. she came down and took him to the park, and i got on top of things.

soon, i'll need to start packing the basement. some stuff is already in boxes, but a lot isn't. it's a bit of an overwhelming task, but things are going at a good pace, so i'm sure it'll be alright.

i'm taking some vacation days this weekend to make for an extra long weekend. and i'm determined to use them to relax and enjoy some time off, and NOT do anything house related. i'll be nice to have that break from everything.

i'm from the suburbs

having grown up in the west-end of the West End, anything past the kingston centre was considered "downtown". so i find it super weird when people refer to kingscourt as "the suburbs". even my own dear brendan uses that label to describe it. "it's like the suburbs..." i don't really get the comparison. yes, kingscourt is a residential area with wider, more quiet streets, and bungalows, but i don't think that makes it a suburban neighbourhood. today's suburbs have oversized houses on tiny lots, which actually kind of makes downtown like the suburbs.

"suburbs" is a term that describes car-dependant neighbourhoods far from the city centre.

believe me, i should know. my place of origin was so deeply in the suburbs that the only thing in walking distance was a beckers, a creek and two (far apart) parks. technically my school was close enough to walk, but we were bussed because it involved crossing train-tracks and in the 70s a ten-year old boy had been killed on the tracks while on his way home from school (he was actually playing 'chicken' with his friends – super sad).

i do find that it gets my back up about the whole "suburbs" label, but i'm just going to have to let it slide. everyone has a different definition of what downtown is. i just think it's an issue of perspective.

electrical tape

we have this colourful stained glass ceiling lamp that i bought at a flea market in PEI many years ago. last week, brendan turned it on and the switch on the wire started smoking. we've been unplugging it ever since to avoid the switch. but today, i went to canadian tire to buy a new wire, and we had it repaired/replaced in 10 minutes. i'm super pleased with us. i'm very intimidated by electrical work. part of my pleasure is that we fixed it almost right away, instead of living with it like that for a long time, which is what we usually do.

mini

i was telling brendan yesterday, that i don't feel sad as we pack up our exile on main street. i think it's because we're not actually saying good-bye to it, but just "see ya later". it'll still be our house, and we'll live in it again some day when we're old. i feel happy about that, and really feel at peace.

this afternoon, while i cycled in the nameless waterfront park on my lunch break, i really relished summer. and i relished being out, bike riding mid-summer day. i concluded that if was at home with eamon, i wouldn't go out for a solitary bike ride daily, and i wouldn't ever make it down to the lake. one of these days i need to pack a sandwich and take it with me on my bike ride so i can eat it down by the water. it's really peaceful down there. it's pretty busy, lots of people take their dogs there or go for walks.

i was noticing today how much wild parsnip we have in millhaven. i knew we had a lot, but it's actually everywhere in large quantities. i cycle through a little bit of grass every day, and i'll have to make sure i stay away from the wild parsnip or it might swipe my leg. if you're not familiar with wild parsnip, it's like poison ivy, but worse because it grows aggressively. i think it's new to this part of ontario. they started sending out warnings about it at work just a few years ago. we get warnings about wild parsnip and bears.

i don't know about you, but i've been eating a lot of corn on the cob this year. it's so tastey. usually i don't eat it a lot because i think "i've only just had corn on the cob, i can't have it again", but i've decided that's silly! it's summer, and if i want to eat it every week i will. i eat watermelon every day, why not corn once or twice a week!?!? there's no rules about that!

tape gun

brendan, shannon, kat, todd, éamon and i all went to mandarin tonight for dinner. i think it's safe to say we all got our money's worth.

we're moving in 3 weeks! CRAZY! so we started packing tonight. i don't want to get overwhelmed by leaving it all to the last minute. so far it's going well. my dad likes to give us his "baxter boxes", which are the boxes he gets his dialysis supplies in. i also got some at the grocery store on saturday. so we're officially in box hunting mode.

sure

well... we had a home inspection yesterday at this second house, and everything went well so we get to move forward :) it's pretty exciting.

last night i posted an ad on kijiji for our current living space and received several inquiries by noon this morning. we have two separate people coming to see it tomorrow. funnily enough, it didn't occur to me that people would be coming to see our house, so it needs to be clean and tidy. like, i knew they would, but i forgot that that literally means them coming into our house and looking around. so i spent all evening tidying and scrubbing in ways and places long neglected. it was good though. i feel ready-ish.

we've been landlords for several years, but have never had to go through the process of meeting potential tenants and choosing people. nor have we ever had to prepare a lease. thankfully brendan found a build-a-lease-agreement website that did it all for us, we just had to click the appropriate boxes.

i hope this is a smooth process. it's stressful. we have a lot to do in the next few months and a lot of expenses. i'm kind of looking forward to mid-september when it's all done. but i don't want to wish away this significant time.

i love summer days like this. where we didn't have to rush off to my mom's after church, and we could lie around in the heat with an oscillating fan on. it's been nice.

i've heard rachel say a few times that she felt things really turned a corner with her kids at 2 years old. i totally get that. eamon's really changed in the last few weeks, really developed and is really engaged. it's nice. especially because he feels easier to manage. ten months to 22 months were the hard bits of babyhood for us. now he's just this little boy – getting more independent all the time.

yesterday we did something very adult and very boring – carpet shopping. i have such distinct memories of carpet shopping with my parents as a kid. it was SO BORING and lasted HOURS. i'd amuse myself by crawling on the rolls of carpet. it's just as dull as a grown up, but really only lasted 15 minutes.

a place to call home?

we made an offer on another house yesterday that was accepted. our home inspection is scheduled for monday. i feel trepidation, but optimisim. the current owner bought the place in 2010, and her home inspection went well. plus, she's done a number of upgrades since then.

i've loved living so close to friends. so has brendan. it's almost hard to imagine living on a street where we don't know anyone. but i remind myself that we didn't know ruth and himansu when i moved in on york street. and they've been a wonderful addition to our lives. i welcome this change.  i think it will be good to get out of my bubble and connect with more people. i certainly don't connect with people at my office. part of me hopes that living in kingscourt will expand the world of our community too, but i don't suppose it will. i was told once when i lived on york street that even that house was too far from downtown. the person didn't like going there because it was "too far".

it's a super beautiful house, and i'm excited about setting in deep roots there. to finally land somewhere lasting. since my mom sold my childhood home in 1998, i've kind of felt like i was drifting from place to place. the longest place i've lived by far was the maxi pad for 6 years. i feel like i'll finally get to exhale.

it's on brant ave if you're interested.

mcburney

this evening i went to the park to do a little photo shoot of eamon for his second birthday. i wanted to give a current picture to his grandparents and aunts and uncles. unfortunately, 1) it was super busy there so he was very distracted, and 2) i must've looked like one of those parents more interested in their devices than actually spending time with their kid ("eamon, look at momma", "eamon, say cheese", "eamon, please just look at momma") :S needless to say, i didn't get what i was hoping for.

while at the park i bumped into a friend of a friend. we got chatting because our boys are about the same age. in reminiscing about birth stories, he told me that their doula was a real champ. i casually said "i'm sure your wife was a champ too". he then surprised me by saying "well, the drugs helped". huh. i'm super glad that brendan's narrative around éamon's birth was that i was a strong, capable woman. things did not go smoothly, but he has never minimized my efforts or my strength.

distracted

every once and a while i'm reminded of the importance of screen time moderation. it's so easy to get sucked into being on devices a LOT. i'm really glad that we (brendan and i) don't have smartphones or tablets because the temptation would be far too strong for us to use them constantly.

brendan sent me a great article the other day about the impact on kids of parents who using devices excessive. not only does it model poor habits, but it also has a negative impact on their relationships (with their kids) and (their kids') social development. it was a good reminder/motivator. so i'm working on not using my computer when eamon is around. this evening, i found it helpful to jot down a list of things i need to do or look up after eamon goes to bed. it worked well because i was able to download onto the list the thing i needed to do, then let it go until later. i often do that at work with chores i know i need to do at home later in the day.

not surprisingly i found i had more energy and time after dinner and i actually tidied the house unexpectedly. one challenge is that i use my computer for a lot of things (music, weather, banking, etc). but it's really the internet that causes me distraction, not these other tools.

a year of work days

well... i've been back at work for one full year now.
it's been a bit of a roller coaster for me. there were times when i really enjoyed it and found the mental challenge really satisfying. there were also times when i found the job itself or being away from my baby/home/community too emotionally taxing and not worth it.

i've feel like, on the whole, i've been doing an alright job at balancing my home life (family, friends, house work, activities/social life, etc) and work life fairly well. i go to bed at a decent time, and have not hated my early mornings. i've seen eamon be challenged by his time at daycare and rise to meet it with strength of character and charm. i've also seen him grow and develop tremendously and i'm grateful for the influence of other nourturing adults in his life. brendan faced unexpected difficulties with his layoff and poorly handled dismissal last summer. he worked really hard to find a job and in the end was such a desirable candidate that he got several jobs. i'm proud of how he used that time and how he confronted that rough patch. i've also had the pleasure of seeing brendan flourish as a dada (oh dear, i'm getting all teary-eyed now). he's excelled as the primary caregiver each morning - getting eamon ready for daycare and tending to his needs. seeing b in that role has been a pleasure and not something any of us would've been able to enjoy had i not returned to work.

it's been a little bittersweet. but i'm sure that as time goes by, i'll remember the sweet more than the bitter. it even feels funny to call it bitter. it was mostly just hard, and the kind of hard that one does out of necessity. but we've made the most of it, managed as best we could, and found plenty to be glad for.

weaned

last night, before bed i realized that i was leaking breast milk because i haven't nursed eamon in 6 days. it made me super sad, and i had a cry on the couch with b. i've been trying not to think about this end of an era, other than focus on the freedom it gives me. i knew if i reflected on it, i'd feel sad. it saddened me that my body didn't know yet, and is still producing milk. i wonder how long it will take to dry up. geez, that's depressing too.

when we get back from cahoots, i'm going bra shopping. i'm gonna get me some nice, non-nurising bras that fit me well. that will help. it will be a nice consolation.