tattoo parlor

SO!

wait.... let me get a beverage....

ok, a lot of you may already have read this on facebook, BUT i'll tell you the whole story.

a few weeks ago while i listened to GO! on cbc as i did my saturday morning dishes, i heard brent say there are still free tickets available for upcoming shows. GO! is my favourite show on CBC radio and i listen most saturdays. so i went to the CBC website and clicked on "tickets" and wrote in. melissa and i drove up to trenton on friday night and spent the evening with her parents, then got up super early the next morning so we could be at the CBC downtown TO for 8:25. we made it in really good time because the highway was barren. after accidentally paying $25 for parking we were all set. it was very neat, we were both kind of surprised by how big the CBC building is. the show was very cool, there were maybe 50 people in the audience. we made friends with the girl beside us, her name was vera or veronica or something, she was there because her boyfriend was one of the guests. "contest nana" came out dancing to her theme song and explained to us the "rules" for live radio (turn off cellphones, yada yada yada). then she announce brent and he came running out while we all cheered. he was much more macho then we expected (muscley, skull & cross bones on his shirt, militant haircut), then he proceeded to chat up the audience. the theme of the show was "backpacking" which was ironic because we were going to head over to MEC after the show was finished so i could buy my backpack for peru. anyways, he asked us if anyone was doing some traveling this summer, and a bunch of people put up their hands, including myself. he talked to a few people, then came to me. i told him i was going to peru, and we had some banter back and forth about that, then he asked me if he could interview me on the show. WOOOOOOT! i said sure, then went up to the front to join him. the show started, and well, i suppose it's best to just let you listen – i'm in the first minute and a half – CBC radio GO! the show was great, they do such a great job at pulling it together, it was really fun to see how it all works. listening from now on will be a really different experience. it was funny, i couldn't help but picture my kitchen on saturday mornings and cooking my scrambled eggs as i listened to his voice. neat. after the show they did a question and answer period. lissa and i both liked it a lot and were glad we went.

i've heard it said that everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame, and i've now had mine. although, it was more like 15 seconds than 15 minutes, but still very cool. it was nationwide afterall.

we then went up to MEC (my first time there) and i browsed thru the backpacks and decided on a 60 litre pack. i'm happy with it. one step closer!

i also bought a cute little sundress at H&M on queen street for joanna's wedding next saturday. it was only 10 bux! i like it, sundresses are reminiscent of my childhood :)

we met up with sam at a vegetarian restaurant called fresh. it was really cool. the thing that suprised me about it was that most of the patrons were women, probably 90%. sam pointed out that it IS vegetarian and probably more women are vegetarians than men. that's valid, it only struck me odd because the goat is vegetarian (pretty much) and it still has loads of guys in there. anyways, it was super cool. i loved that the salads come with chopsticks :)


we then walked up queen to the knitting cafe. i'd read about it in a magazine a number of years ago, it was started by a woman who had been doing her masters or something in law, but had a nervous-breakdown or something, so quit and opened the cafe. they have knitting classes there and a variety of yarn. great idea. i bought melissa and me buttons there that say "KNIT til you die" :D

we had a fun time at her parents' place too. they have a hobbie farm, i got to pet their horses (a mama and a baby), and i got to hold a baby chick in my hand – SO CUTE! i also got to meet her aunt and uncle who were visiting. i think they liked me because i was invited to their family reunion in july. we had some good laughs with them all.

being in toronto brought back a lot of memories of when i lived there. mostly good – i don't give much headspace to crappy memories. i love spadina, it's one of my favourite streets there (most likely because of the streetcar). i've probably only been back in TO a half-dozen times since i moved home, and i have to admit i always thought if it with a bad-taste in my mouth, in a way i feel like our little day trip there has flush the sourness away and i feel a lot better. the worst part of toronto was the loneliness, but being there with a friend changed that connotation a little. i loved driving down the DVP and seeing the valley and the trees. i love the trees in TO, it's my favourite part. driving down the DVP (under the bridges specifically) reminded me of melody and sherborne street, those are good memories too :)

my only criticism of the city yesterday was that we felt it was full of posers. people dressed to the nines putting up appearances, putting on a show. it felt disingenuous. i just wanted to tell them all "chill, just be yourself, that's totally fine". i just wouldn't have the energy to do that. it would be exhausting. oh, i do actually have one other criticism... i feel that toronto as a city has a bit of an identity crisis. it's not like the other worldwide major cities that clearly have a niche or claim to fame. i feel TO is a bit of a chameleon and just copies other major cities.

one day you're waiting for the sky to fall,
and next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all.

teetertotter

i LOVE the sound of the rain on my balcony awning. it's hypnotic.

i've done next to nothing this week in the evenings. that's unusual for me. in a way, it makes my feel like my life is very empty when i'm not occupied with activities. but on the other hand, it's been nice, slow and relaxing. i watched re-runs of the office and enjoyed a few good laughs.

my lovely and talented friend bren came in second place in an "awkward sermon" competition in geez magazine. i am the friend she mentioned in the first paragraph :S i look forward to reading her whole sermon, she's a good speaker – very insightful and wise.

jill and i have got our accommodations planned for peru. it's very exciting. i can't believe we're going in less than two months. i'm kind of nervous, but that's part of the fun. do you want to see what we've got booked? one, two, three, four, five. yay!! ooooOOOOohhh, exciting :)

my eyelids got worse, so i wore no make-up at all today. i thought i looked haggered, but atousa thought i looked younger. i'm sure my splotchy eyelids (and eye area) didn't help my perception, while atousa just thought i was wearing an orange eye-shadow.

here's a quick update on my book... i've fallen out of love with edward, and am now in love with jacob. i'm halfway thru book three of the twilight "saga", and currently haven't the slightest clue how it's going to end. i appreciate that it's not predictable, it's probably the least predictable book series i've ever read.

we never turn out the way we thought we would.

lifeboat

at lunch today we had our first united way bbq as a fundraiser. i'm on the united way committee so my job was to accept the money. i quite enjoyed helping out, it was a nice break from the mundane of my day, and i got to socialize with people – which i never do because i'm rather shy at work. i'm sure a lot of people think i'm a snob because i mostly just talk to a select few. i felt more like my outgoing friendly self because i had a reason to talk to everyone, you know? it was fun, and we raised $750, which is great!

getting out of bed is always challenging, but it's that much worse when i have a warm kitty curled up at my feet. no wonder i'm always late. i suspect having a cuddly man in my bed would make it impossible.

guess what else i did today?? i applied to be a torch-bearer :S it's not as weird as it sounds. since bombardier built the torches it automatically gets to give the role of torch bearer to 117 of its employees. what they're doing is we have to submit our names, meet certain criteria (ie job performance has to be satisfactory and we have to have worked for the company longer than a year, can't be a vice president or president), then they'll draw our names. there are 3 positions going to bombardier inc, 80 going to aerospace, and 34 going to transportation – so i'm in the running for one of 34 spots. i don't suspect i'll get selected, chances are slim, but i thought it would be fun to try. they'll assign the winners to a route anywhere in canada, and the company will pay for our flight there. i've got nothing to lose right? marilyn suggested it, she submitted her name too. apparently it's only a 300 meter run or something, the equivalent to running around a track. however, after i submitted my ballot i read on a poster that the race may last between 2 to 3 hours. i suddenly panicked and said to marilyn "what the hell did you convince me to sign up for!?!?!" but she assured me that they're only estimating that length because you have to stand around waiting for the other runners. anyways, the chances are slim, so i shouldn't fret really. i'm such a sucker for the olympics, earlier in the day i was watching this video montage from the torch unveiling event, it showed the torch over the decades. runners from all walks of life, an old man being assisted by a kid, a disabled person, someone under water, the cauldron being lit. it totally had me choked up in my cube. it was embarrassing :p

on the odd occasion i'm too lazy to write an entry, so i cut and paste from emails i've written during the day. i've plagiarized myself :p

i have to be somewhere.
now where did i put it?

smurfs

during my attempts to do things i've never done before i occasionally come across people that say "why would you want to do that?" or "i see you got roped into doing such-and-such". i find those people discouraging. i'm trying to stretch myself and branch out! i sometimes wish people with such attitudes would keep their mouths shut.

my mom asked me to show her around facebook this evening. yikes. i didn't want to do it for fear she might see something (on other people's profiles) that she didn't like. oh well, i can't protect her forever i guess. in the end of my tutorial she assured me that she wouldn't be joining, i think she didn't like it.

my morning was gloomy. but things brightened when i got an email from my cousin pam. she's fabulous :) one of my favourite people in the world. since then i've felt quite encouraged. i like cousins, they're like siblings but different. it's neat.

and i've managed to do all my dishes and put my laundry away. i'm feeling on top of things, which i prefer to feeling buried underneath.

i have this problem with my eyelids. it's rash-like, perhaps eczema. it's an annoying place to get it, it looks like poor application of eye-shadow. my colleague francois inquired about it the other day ("what did you do to your eyelids?"), i explained, then thanked him for pointing it out to me and making me aware that it's noticable :S

(to close, i'd like to share with you one of my all-time favourite quotes....)

together since the world began the madman and the lover.

glue stick

i've decided to break-up with my current crush-on-boy. he's showing no interest in me, so i can't say that he and i will go our separate ways because we're already separate. but my crush on him can pack a bag and head-out. i won't be needing it anymore. SO LONG CRUSH-ON-BOY, you've over stayed your welcome....

my car broke down today. is it still calling breaking down when it simply didn't start? i'm SO thankful that it didn't break down in the U.S. of A. that would've sucked. i'm also very thankful that my dad was able to give me a drive to work. i just needed a new battery, so that was ok, but they're telling me i need this other repair too. something about new stabilizer links. it's hard for me to know when they're being truthful or just yanking my chain. regardless, this means i can't afford to take my bike in for a tune-up, so i'll just have to learn how to do it myself. shouldn't be a problem.

i saw a dickie-dee peddle past my place today. promise of summer?

the highlight of my day was when one of my favourite people in the world declared "three cheers for the uterus that bore lesley!!" i told my mom that her praises were being sung for giving birth to me, she didn't respond to my email. i don't think she knew what to say.

i feel a tiny bit lonely.

don't you let your red heart go cold.

niños

things that i could write a thousand blog entries about:
• how much i love walking home in the dark
• how much i love spring/summer (and the summer heat)
• how much i love my balcony
• how messy my apartment is
• how much i hate my cubicle
• how much i love my friends
• how much i love my life
• how frustrating and difficult i find my life
• how late i am for bed
• how late i was for work
• how i'm totally boy-crazy
• how boys are not crazy about me
• how much i love traveling
• how i'm addicted to a current book or song
• how much i love gay men
• how thankful i am
• how disappointed i am
• how much i love next
• how much my life has changed
• how different my life is to what i expected it would be like
• how much i love music
• how change is inevitable
• how i often feel stuck/trapped
• how much i love my bicycle

till the morning light....

lingo

shannon and i drove down to syracuse today to see the postsecret exhibition at everson museum. the exhibition itself was great, and i'll tell you more about it in a minute, but let me tell you about our adventure.

• at customs they asked me all sorts of questions that i was fully equiped to answer. shan was rather shocked and appalled by the woman's abruptness.
• we arrived in syracuse (aka sara-q's), and walked the streets trying to find a place to eat. we quickly discovered that we were visible minorities, and it seemed everyone was looking at us. it made us very puzzled, because although we were white girls that couldn't possibly have been what they were all gawking at. we did conclude that part of it was due to my dreads, that was confirmed within seconds when some gentleman asked me if i was "locking" my hair. i think they liked that i was a white girl with dreads, i smiled and said "yes i am".
• in the downtown area all of the restaurants were closed on saturdays, and we waundered for quite a while before we found a sushi place that appeared to be straight out of a futuristic submarine. it was very cool, there was this conveyer belt that went around the bar and you just take what you want from there. you know how much it costs by the colour of the plate.




• syracuse was very small-townish for a city that size.
• the postsecret exhibition was great. beautifully set up and probably one of the best exhibitions i've ever seen. i'm a lover of people, and a lover for intimate details, and a lover of postcards. it will be hard to top that exhibition for me. (i'm totally blushing in this photo because the guard just told me that no photos were allowed. i took the other ones while shan played look-out).

• after that we went to the zoo. neither of us remembered to take photos there, but it was really fun (i think it was one of those things that people forget to take photos while in the moment – i have to be really intentional about it or i would never take photos). my favourite animal are elephants. i was disappointed because we passed the elephant field and couldn't see any. as we exited i said to shan "aw, i wish we'd seen an elephant", but when the words were out of my mouth i saw one! they had it in a different section near the end, we stood watching "indy" for quite a while. he was amazing.
• being at the zoo was weird, it was the first time all day that we'd seem so many white people. i don't really know where they all came from. we also discovered they ALL had tattoos. after we noticed that we came to realize just about everyone in new york state had multiple or large tattoos.
• we ate cotton candy.
• we got lost several times, they have a lot of one-way streets there, and way more stop-lights. i accidentally drove thru a few, and stop-signs :S i'm glad we had no troubles. my car had been acting up in the morning, so i'm glad it didn't give me grief. i think i need an oil-change.
• on the way home we wanted to take horne ferry across to wolfe island, but that didn't workout (we were gonna miss the 6:00 ferry). so instead we ate dinner at a classic dinner – it had a jukebox in each booth.

• i liked that unless they listened attentively to our accents they wouldn't have realized we were canadians. the US is the only country in the world where we can blend in and not be spotted as foreigners. which is important in a country full of xenophobes :p conversely, i really liked our ontario plates – they made me feel like an exhibitionist.

shan and i had a long discussion about "what is cool?". this was a follow-up to a email-conversation i had with bren. i think we narrowed it down to a few things: cool is... 1) something/someone who is counter-cultural. 2) something/someone who is bad-ass (which is usually pretty counter-cultural too). i feel excited about this. it makes everything make so much more sense to me. that's why people can also be uncool. they're uncool because they're not counter-cultural – they're conventional, fit the mould, do as expected of them. it's all so clear now! the conversation i had with bren also addressed the fact that cool is not an intimate word, used to describe people from a distance.

don't get careless,
i'm sure it'll be fine.

------------------------------------------
ADDENDUM:
this was shanno's take on the day :)

bogey

in the quivering forest
where the shivering dog rests,
our good grandfather
built a wooden nest.

photo by bren melles

toast

today was a fantastic preview for the summer ahead of us. beautiful. perfect. my ideal season. i can't wait! driving with the windows down. sleeping with windows open. awesome. when i walked out my door this morning the freshness of the season caught me like a kiss. i then sideways danced along my walkway and across my front lawn. i was giddy. summer makes me feel in love with the world.

i babysat joelle, caleb, and liam tonight. it was fun. we went to the park. i tried out the monkey bars but remembered how they make my hands burn. joelle had me go down the firepole – similar burning affect as the monkey bars, but more bearable. we went down the slides, and i tried to dig rocks out of liam's mouth. we ended up having to go home early because there was an accident involving underpants (not mine). so instead we played in the backyard, blew bubbles, played on their climber, i swung in the swing (and found my womanly hips didn't fit very comfortably on the swings). i pushed the kids on the swings (although joelle is big enough that she knows how to pump her legs herself). i liked being barefoot in the backyard with them. i always try to toughen up my soles so that i can go without shoes. i feel i made some good progress in that regard tonight. i really enjoy one-on-one (one-on-three?) time with the kids. it's important to me to have a good relationship with my niece and nephews because i grew up so detached from my uncles and aunt – mostly due to distance, but also disinterest on my dad's side. as i read them a dr seuss book at bed-time i discovered there was a lot of pages, and a lot of words. i started skipping pages, but joelle noticed and "helped me" by pointing it out. so instead i started skipping entire paragraphs, she then said "did you read all of that??" i told her i did, but then started reading ALL the words on the page. i eventually had to tell them "this book is too long..." they were ok with that, i think it was too long for their attention span too.

i had a good laugh in my cubicle this morning as i read bombardier related news. every morning, someone searches the web for articles related to bbd, then they distribute them to a group of people. i am in that distribution group. there was an article about how the bombardier designed olympic torch resembles a lit joint. another person felt it looked like a pregnancy test indicating you're giving birth to satan's baby. that totally cracked me up. read this article, it's freakin hilarious – although mildly offensive as well (pardon the redundancy :p ).

i found my rhythm at work today. that made me happy.

the way i follow fashion now
is emblematic of my misspent youth.

matrix

you make me laugh outloud.
and smile way down in my liver.

i wish it was saturday so we could run off and leave the country.

i don't think of it often enough, but i'm very grateful for my healthy body. i dislocated my knee once, i had mono once, i have mild allergies, i have heart palpitations, i've had acid reflux, i've had stitches. but i've never broken a bone, i've never had surgery, i've never had a serious illness, i've never been hospitalized. i'm very fortunate. i'm satisfied with my body, content with my figure. sometimes when we don't have major complaints we can take our good health for granted. it's the vehicle that moves me around. i appreciate it, and am thankful. i know a lot of people (younger and older) who are facing health issues right now, and it really makes a person stop and think. i've always wanted to be the kind of person who appreciates what i have while i still have it. sometimes i forget, so it's important to occasionally stop and reflect on it.

oh man, this is a beautiful song...

i'm SO gonna stay up a little longer reading, when i really should get into bed right now. but i really can't make myself care about getting to work on time. even when i know it would make me far less grumpy to start the day on the right foot.

and the yellow moon glowed bright.

thesis

so the family debate about whether or not my mom should send her photo taken beside the intercourse, pennsylvania sign in to the newspaper continues. joy and tim have pinched said photo from my mom's purse with intent, my mom is now trying to steal them back. her fear is that the paper might publish it with the caption "jan mcknight in the middle of intercourse". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahhaa
i've told her that at the very least she needs to give me a copy for my refrigerator. she seemed to think that was a good compromise. she told me that all her friends were calling it "I.C.", and when she asked "what's I.C.?" they whispered it to her. she was all like "oh! of course, intercourse" and they seemed shocked that she said it. man, my mom hangs out with a bunch of stiffs. errr.... i mean uptight people. oh man, my mom is a lot more like me than i realized.

i really miss my cousin pamela. she lives an ocean away and yet we're kindred spirits. it's disappointing i didn't get to see her this year as i had hoped. sitting bored in my cubicle makes me all the more frustrated that i wasn't "allowed" to go to scotland. i still strongly disagree with my boss. but on the brightside, i got to plant my garden, i'm getting to go on roadtrips with my friends, i get to go to peru with jill. always a brightside. always a brightside.

he shaved off his goatee, but kept the moustache. it was the first time he'd seen his chin in over 20 years. he felt exposed, naked almost. he's taking the rest of the week off so he can grow his beard back in peace.

tell me anything you want, any old lie will do.

sasquatch

you'll never believe this, but while i moaned and complained last night about my lost hat, it was sitting on my desk buried under a bunch of papers – within arms reach! i'm rolling my eyes at myself.

SO! update on my garden. it is looking SWEET! (the only way i could get both sides of my balcony in this photo was to put it on a severe angle).

you know... i don't think this photo does it justice. one of the biggest differences in this year's garden – which was a spontaneous change – is that i've place my herb boxes right at the front of my balcony. my herbs haven't done great in the past, so today i took a closer look at the instructions, and it says to plant them in full sun. they were mostly in shade last year and the year before. so by placing them at the front they'll get full sun in the morning and in the evening. that's the best i can do. i wish it had been a little warmer today because i would've liked to have sit out on my balcony reading, i tried, but it was just too cold. the forecast is showing great weather all week, so that's wonderful, i'm sure i'll get a chance to enjoy an evening or two out there.

i'm afraid of the woman i might turn into someday. what if i unintentionally turn into a nag or a meany. rach and i were talking the other day about how many women feel a need to bring their husband/partner/boyfriend down a few pegs. and concluded it was sad, although we could see that we were both guilty of it in the past. i'm proud of rach for changing her ways. i really hope i'll say nothing but encouraging things, i'm kind of scared by how quickly sarcasm comes to my mind, even if i mean it as a joke, a guise, or a form of flirting. i'm making the decision here and now to not be cruel, biting, sarcastic, or demeaning. i really only want to be loving, supporting, and encouraging. i'm also freaked out by the movie i watched this evening, how the wife was so manipulative, controling and restrictive of her husband. it infuriated me. i'm scared i could end up that way if i'm not careful. it's so easy to see that behaviour as an outsider, what if i fail to recognize it in myself?? i guess that's where i'll really need my friends to point it out – please speak up if i behave that way!!!

i had a good day today, i'm amazed by how spending the day alone is sometimes so enjoyable and other times just terrible. i'm grateful that today was one of the enjoyable ones. i look forward to not living alone eventually – i think i talk too much and KNOW that's related the amount of time i spend alone.

we are vagabonds,
we travel without seatbelts on,
we live this close to death.

bland

i can't find my favourite green hat. the last time i remember seeing it was when i was in mexico. if i lost it there i will be SERIOUSLY upset. i love that hat, i've gotten a lot of compliments on it too. it's a very cool hat. i'm hoping that when i actually clean my house i might locate it. i had hoped to clean the maxi pad this afternoon, but instead i hung-out with melissa – also good use of my time, if i may say so myself. hmph, i'm upset about my hat.

guess what!?!?! i'm VERY excited.... i went to the garden centre this afternoon and bought my flowers and herbs for my balcony garden. i have a feeling this is going to be my nicest garden yet. i've learned from my experience of the last two summers (which were both quite stunning, except last year i had a problem with one particular pot), and feel that i have the right combination of plants and garden knowledge to make this one quite exceptional. i think the highlight of this year's garden is going to be my clematis, it's going to look fantastic climbing along my balcony railings. i'm really looking forward to that. i know i've said it a dozen times before, but i LOVE my balcony. it's my FAVOURITE place in the world – my sanctuary. i have my flowers/herbs waiting out on the back porch and i'll plant them tomorrow. i'm really looking forward to it. i've put three coats on my balcony floor, so it should be ready for me to move everything back out there in the morning. *sigh* i'm so happy :)

ooh! bert's didn't have any mint – just peppermint. does anyone have any in their garden they can splice off for me???

i think i'll further avoid doing my dishes and get into bed to read. maybe i'll go for a record to see how long i can live with a filthy kitchen :p just kidding, i'll do them tomorrow while i listen to the cbc.

i hope you're well.

i hold on hard to something between my teeth when i'm sleeping.

owls

rach and i drove up to ottawa today. it poured much of the time on the way there. we got lost in a large wealthy neighbourhood, every turn we took seemed to take us deeper into a random black-hole, but we managed to find our way out. we also couldn't find byward market, and when we did find that we couldn't find the bead store i was looking for. we didn't mind though, we just kept chatting the whole time, she's good company. we walked around with my big rainbow umbrella but didn't open it once. we liked the slightly drizzly weather. i really like byward market, i'd just been telling rachel that when i lived in TO i felt it came up short in the kinds of stores i like. i'm so accustomed to the stores in kingston and wasn't able to find an equivalent in the GTA. but ottawa on the other hand does not disappoint.


the sassy bead company is probably one of the coolest stores i've ever been to. it has such a great vibe to it, rach and i both felt quite inspired by the vast supply of beads and spent quite a while in there. one of the best parts is how each bead has it's own quirky name that bears little resemblance to the bead's appearance. very amusing, i'm sure someone has a lot of fun coming up with names.


we decided to go to the royal canadian mint. we found it easily, and we looking forward to learning where the name "mint" came from in reference to money. but we were refused entry. apparently all the tours were booked up for the remainder of the day. that was too bad. so instead i took our picture outside to mark the occasion (well, actually a random man walking by offered to take our picture on my camera).

as an alternative we stopped by the national art gallery and saw the temporary exhibition, then bought ourselves some beavertails. sounds lovely doesn't it? it was :)

we stopped by MEC so i could buy a big backpack for peru, but got there 5 minutes after it closed, so i'll have to go when i'm in toronto in a couple weeks with melissa. it's super close to the cbc building.

anyways, i had a great roadtrip with rach, not a bad way to spend a saturday afternoon :) plus i got a stand of leather to complete my necklace.

he wanted to believe in the hands of love.

hugs

there is a beautiful poem inside of me. unwritten. i will put it all in words someday. most likely a day quite far from now. i will wait expectantly. from time-to-time it will bubble to my surface, reminding me that it's there. always present, while quietly not existing.

i could go for a bowl of naked white rice right now.

the lord's gonna come in his heavenly airplane.

hepatitis

i had three glasses of wine at rachel laforest's place during dinner. my head is a little woozy, but i'm ok. it was very enjoyable joining them for ribs. i like people. she's joining me in 20 minutes for the season finale of grey's. she keeps laughing at me when i say my house is a mess. i tried to tidy it a tiny bit. i'm taking this '7 habits of highly effective people' course at work in a couple weeks, i had to do some prep work this afternoon. i had to fill in the answers to questions about what would make my work life and personal life easier. my answer for the personal life was if i could keep my house clean it would really free me up for entertaining and a clear mind. i'm interested to see if this course will help. i found it odd that it broken things down into a "personal life" and a "work life", because as far as i'm concerned, i have my regular life and work is on the side. like my life-life is what matters to me. i was a little annoyed when filling in some questions with knickers (i was supposed to consult with my manager) about what my greatest contribution to the company is. she just kept going on about how my job makes her job easier. i don't like the idea of my sole purpose is to make her happy. i'd probably have more job satisfaction if i had a greater sense of my role within the company aside from being her little protégé. she read some of my answers and was surprised to read that i get overwhelmed easily and feel i'm less effective when i feel claustrophobic. i secretly liked that she didn't know that, because my mom does. my mom has observed that about me since i was a little little kid.

--------
FAST-FORWARD 2+ HOURS
--------

i'm excited because in the coming weeks i'm going on 3 roadtrips.
1) ottawa this saturday with rach erb – i need to pick up a strand of leather for a necklace and we're going to do other fun things while we're there.
2) toronto in 2 weeks with melissa – we got free tickets to a live taping of GO on CBC radio (you'll all have to tune in that morning at 10)
3) syracuse in 4 weeks with shannon – we're going to the postsecret exhibit
i feel like i should go to montreal in 6 weeks just so my tour of nearby major cities will be complete.

OH CRAP! i just realized that we need passports to enter the US after june 1st, and i'm not sure if shanno has a valid passport :( maybe i can convince her to go next saturday instead. poor shame!

i want to run,
i want to hide,
i want to tear down the walls,
that hold me inside.

paper bag

there are times when i live in squalor. this is one of those times. it seems my dish-doing habits have diminished to a weekend-only activity. it's pathetic really. sometimes i'm just not very good at taking care of myself. i leave food out overnight because i forget to put it back in the fridge. i have socks strewn everywhere and random paper (mostly receipts) littering the floor. it's pretty bad, and yet, not so unbearable that i'll do anything about it.

this evening i helped out collect food for the partners-in-mission food bank. we walked the streets of kingscourt, and enjoyed the uniqueness of the war-time houses. it's neat to see how they were all so completely the same when they were built, but over the course of 60 years they've all been changed and modified. i love that neighbourhood. it was a beautiful evening for walking outside. i wish i'd worn different shoes, but that's ok. a few blisters won't kill me. i'm always surprised at how pleasant and generous everyone is, it's encouraging to see that people can be so willing to help.

the tone of my life these days is hope with a little bit of the familar. which is good. sudden change doesn't become me. it must be slow, subtle in it's approach. casual and yet suggestive. i like it. it's very peace-provoking.

now if only i could find my writing book i could head out the door to storytellers anonymous....

i wait for you.

pivot

i'm so fortunate. i have such great friends that it makes my face hurt. seriously, on many occasions today my friends have made me beam with glee. this morning while i was reading an exciting email from melissa, the knickers came to my cubicle, so i quickly minimized the window. i had this full-face smile on and she commented on it because she thought i was smiling at my computer. i think it's funny that she literary assumed i had a crush on my computer (she told me that!), instead of thinking i was up to some mischief. i just told her i was thinking about something, and then probably blushed. anyways, my friends make my face hurt from smiles they provoke. i have face-hurting friends!!! :D

this evening i rushed home from work to begin some manual labour. i got on my hands and knees scraping the surface of my balcony. then i painted it with a first coat. it looks great! and i enjoyed myself a great deal. i love working with my hands and being industrious. i think painting a floor (on in this case, the floor of a balcony) is the easiest kind of painting because you're just pushing down. ceiling painting is the hardest kind there is. i'm gonna do another 2 coats, maybe even 4 depending on the weather. i have quite a bit of paint left, and i think i should err on the side of too many layers, because my last paint job of 2 coats only lasted one season.

frig! it just happened again! i just got an email from yet another awesome friend that totally cracked me up. i think i'm spoiled with great people in my life. after i finished painting bren stopped by and i enjoyed having a visit with her. seriously, i'm very lucky girl. i'm totally gonna have an excess of laughlines and i don't even care :)

i did something today that reminded me a lot of my mom. part of me hated myself for it, but part of me thought i was good advice. i suppose i'm an apple that hasn't fallen far from the tree. as i move forward from here, i need to be careful and thoughtful so that i don't do or say anything i shouldn't, even if my intentions are good.

you know... i'm suspicious. hmmm. but that's ok, i like a bit of mystery.

you know he got the cure,
but then he went astray.

marvel

i have to admit... so far the joshua tree is not blowing my mind. obviously it has some incredibly stellar tracks, those of which i already knew, but the rest of the album i feel rather 'meh' about. i think it might be too 'gospel' sounding for my taste.

lately i've been noticing how much i enjoy making others laugh. cas took a picture in mexico in which i'm talking (while trying to keep a straight face), and david is busting a gut laughing. it warmed me from the inside, it made me think "hey! i AM funny!" i guess i just concluded that i make people laugh AT me, which i really do not mind, but it's nice to think i'm actually humourous and witty aside from my antics. i think funny girls are super cool, my cousin pamela is probably the funniest girl that i know. it's gives me joy to make other people laugh, it's a great feeling.

yogi master dennis wasn't in class today. we had a different instructor. it was kind of weird. i don't think i liked yogi master daniel as much. but i figure i'm just accustomed to yogi dennis. they both have their strengths and weaknesses i suppose.

she is running to stand still.

buds

when i was 16 i fell in love with achtung baby – i've talked about this before. it is my ground zero as far as albums go for me. however, it's pretty much a known fact that the joshua tree is considered u2's all time best album. i disagree due to my preferential treatment of achtung baby. i own more u2 albums than any other band in existence, the famous joshua tree has been absent from my collection. i've felt no need to add it, but it occured to me the other day that since it's u2's most critically acclaimed album that perhaps i might want to give it a fair shot. so i bought it yesterday and plan to listen to it for the next week or two in my cube. i'll let you know how that goes.

i love my mom. she makes me a little crazy, but a lot of moms do that to their kids. i know she tried her best in raising me on her own, and all things considered i think she did a good job. to be truthfully, she also screwed me up a fair bit too, but no one's perfect so i don't hold that against her. i don't think it's likely to reach adulthood unscathed. we were perhaps too close when i was a teenager, that made it hard to move out on my own in my early twenties. it hurt us both a lot, it was like tearing a branch off a tree – far less natural than that process should have been. it took a long time for us to develop some equilibrium, but we managed. and now i'm pleased with how things stand between us. i've learned to let some things go in one ear and out the other. i've learned to speak up when necessary. i've learned to appreciate where she's coming from (which makes it easier to ignore some of the things she says).

i "met" my exboyfriend today. we were introduced by someone who didn't know we were acquainted. i was temped to say "yes, we've met before, i know him in the biblical sense". but instead i looked at him with a smirk and twinkle in my eye because we were sharing a secret, but he returned my expression with a stone face and looked away. i inwardly rolled my eyes at him, it's been almost 10 years, i think it's time you get over the fact that I DUMPED YOU!

perfect strangers down the line,
lovers out of time,
memories unwind.

bow tie

i'm tempted to just sleep in a sleeping-bag tonight so that i can procrastinate putting new sheets and blankets on my bed. i striped it down this morning so i'd HAVE to remake it before bed. just goes to show i can find ways to get around even my own tricks.

it seems i must have taken out my mouth-guard in the middle of the night without realizing it. i woke with an empty mouth and later found it on the floor. it's not the kind of thing that could just fall out. i vaguely recall something.

i spotted him on the roof as i walked up the street. he was working up there, intently focused on what he was doing. i watched him as i walked. i kept my eyes fixed on him, for some reason hoping he'd look up and catch me gazing up at him. the seconds passed, i kept watching. eventually, he did look up, and we locked eyes for a several seconds. long enough for me to make a point. then i looked straight ahead and didn't look again.

is it just me, or does anyone else see a resemblance between little shanno and leelee sobieski? seriously, if there was to be a film representing her life and times, the number one pick for actress playing the leading role would HAVE to be leelee. hands down. check it out.... shanno – leelee.

i am not permanent.

unleashed

i see a pattern. a trend perhaps. it's the same old thing. each one goes by. they're different but i stay the same. i'm the one common factor.

as i walked over the crest of the hill i saw the most beautiful sight i've seen in who knows how long. the green of the grass, the blue of the lake. the pale blue of the sky. rich in colour. deep and saturated. if i'd had my camera i would've taken a picture of the purple flowers that surrounded the dandelions and the way our feet sank in the dewy grass.

i'm most certainly intimidated.

today is the day i've been waiting for, and it came a surprise. perhaps the best gifts are the ones that come to us unexpectedly. after spending 5.5 years looking up at those blasted stained ceiling tiles in my cubicle, they're FINALLY REPLACING THEM! hallelujah! they have plagued me for far too long. i've watched those ceiling tiles, staring at them when there's nothing else to look at. in a way, now that they're leaving i feel a little sentimental, there's part of me that will miss them. they were like ink-blots – what do you see in the stains.... i saw a toque! i will miss the toque tile the most. it struck me today how just the slightest change makes all the difference. if i had a window, i would spend time watching the outdoors instead of those tiles. the things i would think about and ponder would be different. i bet i would have many profound thoughts observing nature thru a pane of glass. part of me wonders what great musing i'm missing out on.

sometimes site meters are annoying. like when a person googles me from washington dc and i don't know who the heck they are, but they seem to know me. in times like that i wish that if people are THAT interested in my daily goings on that they would just email me. this is not a television, i am an actual person after all. but on the other hand, there's something thrilling about some mysterious person googling me from the united states capital. they're clearly canadian, because they used "google.ca". see... i'm so clever in my investigations. quite advanced :p

nothing coming down too smooth for me this evening.

taken

i much prefer dancing up york street to just plain walking. i wish people wouldn't look at me though, i'm having a private moment. sheesh!

whenever i get an email that makes me especially smiley, it always seems that francisco walks by and can tell by the look on my face that i'm up to no good. yesterday i was just innocently sitting in my cubicle responding to an email when i hear his voice say "lesley... stop that". and i was busted again. hahaha. it makes me laugh and i told him i was glad he isn't MY dad because he's gooooood.

i don't know about you girls... but i'm totally falling in love with edward from the book twilight. hahahhahaaha. i KNOW that's ridiculous, but that's part of the fun. tonight while i watched grey's i read during the commericals. i don't even care about my own love life, i just want to read about edward and bella. yes... i've become THAT crazy girl. or maybe i'm just enjoying living vicariously thru fiction. it IS my best form of escapism :p

i see that i'm oh-so-slowly slipping back towards getting into bed later. it's 10:19 and my computer is still on. i'm just so addicted to music!

i maliciously enjoy seeing people's relationship status on facebook change to "no longer in a relationship". especially when they only change it to "in a relationship" the week before. and EXTRA especially when it's my exboyfriend :p i just think people need to be savvy about these things and only put those details out there when they know it's gonna stick. it's called "using discretion".

watch it crumble in my hands just like before.

adjacent

as i left next tonight i thought "beautiful. that was good. i loved it". what a fantastic after-taste.

this is the day you know. the day i was supposed to start a significant segment of my life. it started without me. in my absence, things continued unfettered. oddly enough, i feel ok about it. especially with this euphoric feeling i have at the moment. this is good too. sometimes a person just has to keep her eyes open to discover the good that exists around her already.

i'm starving. i didn't really eat dinner because i was so preoccupied with my book :S but now it's time for bed, so maybe i'll just eat some cheese and hit the hay.

i've gotten used to my mouth-guard and i've been wearing it every night to bed. i quite like it. for some reason i thought it was a device to stop me from clenching my teeth, but it all it really does is protect my teeth and jaw. now i can clench all i want without fear of ramifications. awesome :D

i love walking home in the dark in nice weather. it makes me so exhilarated. i'm so happy that it's spring and i face another season of walking under the cover of night.

there's nothing in a world where the melody is broken.

doorstops

i'm really getting hooked on twilight. it's full of all the things i love: drama. paradox. neurosis. i can see myself getting inescapably lost in literature in the weeks to come. lovely. just what i wanted :)

it's like i'm passing notes with my mom.

for those of you who know the vivacious rachel percy, she's begun a new blog to track her trails in france. follow the white rabbit into rach's world...

i love how the knickers yaks away to me, meanwhile my mind is 100 miles away and she doesn't seem to notice. i think that's my saving grace actually.

i don't know what to say to her. it was so random. and i don't take well to phone calls. if she'd emailed me, well that would've been a different story. who looks people up in the phone book anymore. random. the thing is i would like to see her, she was my closest friend in high school and we had good times. i just don't know where to pick up after all this time.

your love was a light bulb
hanging over my bed.

music

yesterday i met a girl who cried out upon our introduction "i know you! you're JOY'S sister". that statement is like fingernails on a chalkboard, like biting wool, like shoes that aren't broken in rubbing against blisters. i've spent my entire life running from that statement. distancing myself from that identity. i tried not to be rude to her, but i really didn't want to speak to her after that, and i was trying to change the subject, but she kept on about it. i felt awkward and resentful. it's nothing against the girl at all, it's just a major sore spot for me. thankfully joy knows this, and has tried her best to work around it, to phrase things different. i appreciate her effort. however, it doesn't eliminate my feeling of being overshadowed by my domineering older sister in the presence of others. i would've thought by now i'm know by my own gifts, talents, and being, but in that instant all that i am evaporated and i was nothing again.

when i saw him at the Y i asked him how he was doing. he said "i'm a little sad, but that's life". i was kind of taken aback because i hardly know him, but at the same time found his frankness quite refreshing.

i was invited to the house famous for dinner this evening. we ate BLTs. it was really fun. i like being with people, it was especially nice after the dreary day i had at the office. sometimes i wish when i was alone that i'd remember how much i like people. if i did, i probably would be with people all the time. i sometimes have memory blocks. probably because i really enjoy time alone too :S i'm not nearly as straightforward as i wish i was.

to take the cup,
to fill it up.

sneeze

i found a ttc transfer slip on the floor of my pink room. i thought "what's this from?" it was dated sunday, november 4th from the lansdowne station. when i lived in TO, lansdowne was my station. that transfer slip is 8 years old. i have NO idea where it came from, what crevice it was hiding in. i've moved 4 times since then!

i like wearing shoes inside my house. for more than one reason. if you ever come to my home, please feel free to keep on your footwear.

i love how small and integrated this city is. i love how you can't meet someone who you don't have a mutual acquaintance with. i love how the people i know enrich my life and make it ever so interesting.

my balcony is truly one of my most favourite places to be. i'm so grateful that it's mine to have and enjoy each day.

baby take a number,
baby wait in line.

brown sugar

there's a line in u2's song "acrobat" that goes like this: when i first met you girl, you had fire in your soul, what happened your face of melting in snow? it is one of my greatest fears that someday i'll lose myself so much that my loved ones and people around me will ask me "what happened to you!?! you used to be so (insert adjective), and now you're just so (opposite adjective)?" people change. people stay the same. circumstances change us. maybe we're all just a molecules of circumstances.

i saw this on post secret tonight. at first i thought "huh", but then i looked closer and went "hmmm".

why don't we all just start a fan club. i can take minutes, and you can lead off with a witty jab.

i give it 2, maybe 3, more weeks, then i'll be ok. i'm rather buoyant with these types of things.

i feel a little lonely tonight, which i guess is why i'm writing a second entry in one day :p i could use a hug. but instead i'll brush my teeth and get into bed.

oh, life is long and hollow.

twilight

last night i went to the potters guild sale with bren. i picked up a few things, and so did she. among my loot were two necklaces (see above). one came on a black pleather string and i didn't like that so much, so this afternoon i walked downtown to the bead store to purchase a new leather piece. it was a beautiful day, i enjoyed the walk and listened to some good tunes on my ipod. when i was about to cross princess street to make my way across to the carriage way i discovered that the store was cleared out and empty. barren. sign gone. i nearly cried. i had to grab a nearby lamp post to brace myself. what is this city coming to!!?!?! all the essential kingston institutions are vanishing!! S&R, the prison farm, the CARRIAGE WAY!?!?!? i feel so off kilter. soon it won't feel like the city i've known and loved for 25 years. seriously, the closure of the carriage way is like the end of my youth. if "what'll i wear" closes i might have an aneurysm.

anyways, after that i felt so lost and dazed i waundered around for a bit with my hands in my pockets and ended up in skeleton park where i read my book under a tree. it refueled me. by the time i got home i was quite happy again. but i still want to protest the end of the era in k-town.

i was supposed to go square dancing on wolfe island tonight with some of the house famous crew, but shanno threw-out her back while gardening, so that event got cancelled – at least our participation did. which is ok, i just hope she feels better! she's had a rough year. so instead i'm just going to stay in and watch "slumdog millionaire" and knit.

it's our secrets that bind us – divulging our secrets. they remind us that we're not so different after all.

i woke up naked on the beach in ibiza in 1988.

raining

something of a love song woke me up this morning. it captured me for the entire day.

he stopped by my house saying "i desperately needed to see you, and thought i'd have a bowl of ice cream while i was here". i laughed and corrected him "more like you desperately needed a bowl of ice cream and thought you'd see me while you were here". we sat side by side on my balcony reading silently to ourselves.

i wonder if you know my name. if i'm lost and will ever be found.

i wonder why you believe in me more than i believe in myself. sometimes your over-confidence in my ability is unnerving. i wish you'd make it much easier. that on occasion, you'd stop giving the benefit of the doubt, or at least throw me a clue every once and a while. because on days like this it feels like everything is too big for me. i'm simply overwhelmed by my oxymoron life.

driving his car felt like wearing shoes that are much too big.

you know i need you to be strong,
and the day is as dark as the night is long.

carpal tunnel

one time when i picked up my laundry from the wash-n-fold service i use, my returned wash came with a free tube of sensodyne. i found that odd, but didn't question it since it seemed other people had one too. since easter my teeth have been very sensitive to things like cold, hot, sweet, acid. i was worried i had yet another cavity. this past saturday it occurred to me to perhaps try out my free paste, and thankfully it made a huge difference! phew! apparently my teeth are just sensitive, not decaying.

why am i disappointed when trouble doesn't come my way? i should be glad that i avoided it. but i'm not. in the long run i will be, but for now i'm disappointed.

the work days feel so long, and the evenings go by so fast. i wish it was the opposite. i need to escape my cubicle. i think it might be killing me softly. i'm glad that i'm about to join some amazing people to do some writing and listening. it will revive me some.

baby we can get you anything you want,
any time you want,
but you won't know what it's for.

comfort

i often feel like i'm the sideshow and she's the main event. i wonder if i'll ever get to be on the main stage instead of being the opening band. i wonder of this feeling will ever disappear.

he's never kissed a girl. well neither have i, so at least that's one thing we have in common.

i keep looking. nothing turns up. i wonder how long it will be before i stop checking.

i'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't.

one thousand

i'm really not sure what he's doing with his face, but i think he should stop.

just as i was about to write last night's entry the power went off, and there was a black-out in my entire neighbourhood. i looked out the window to see a desolate darkness – it was peaceful and lovely. i lit some candles and tried to read, but i was in bed by 10 because there was nothing else to do. i really couldn't get into that book. so this afternoon, i concluded there was no sense in forcing myself to read a boring book when there are so many other good ones out there. so i stopped by chapters on the way home again, and picked up two on sale. the one i'm reading first is quite poetic in its prose, here's one example "clearly, something here is incompatible with nature". i think what amazes me about it, is that it was originally written in japanese, i would've thought beautiful writing would be lost in translation, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

i love volunteering at special meals at st. andrew's. it's so great. when we serve the food it makes me smile from ear-to-ear and i can't stop myself. i really like the people there. they have no filter at all and they say things i wouldn't normally hear elsewhere. it's amazing.

i suddenly hear and see that word everywhere. i had no idea it was so common. it's a weird word.

you are part of my heart-beat.

i've been a sleep for a long, long time.

blackfly

ok. i finally understand. my life is quite exciting. i don't know why i thought it wasn't. i like how random things happen to me. that's all i'm gonna say. my life is not boring.

you can probably feel the wind.

synonymous

i had my dad over for dinner this evening. afterwards we sat on my front balcony looking out onto the street chatting for hours. we watched people on bikes go by. we watched a man pee in the park across the street. we watched people drive into the parking lot of the memorial centre only to stop for 30 seconds then leave again. we watched the sun set and the rain fall. we watched the taxis drive by, and a few cops too. we watched the street-lights flicker. we watched teenaged girls in short shorts. we watched teenaged boys on skate boards. the world passed along york street tonight, and we watched it all from the luxury of my box-seats. i have season tickets.

i was most delighted by the announcement that bombardier was awarded the ttc contract for the new streetcars. i was anxiously awaiting the news all morning only to find out right before noon. i printed out the article and took it into frank's office (i know how he works and that he needs to read things on paper and be able to high-light stuff). when i got in there marilyn was already telling him and a new guy the big news. the new guy seemed not to care or understand the signficance, all i could think was 'rookie'. the contract was awarded to a different division (which means my division isn't directly affected), but i'm still estatic. i'm thrilled as both a bombardier patriot and a canadian patriot. awarding that contract to bbd will keep a good 600-1000 employees in thunder bay employed for many more years. i feel very strongly that large canadian contracts need to be given to canadian companies as a means of protecting our own. i realize it may be cheaper to buy from asian, but it's not worth it in the long run. these events fuel my company pride and i was practically giddy as i went for my noontime walk.

days like this restore my hope that good things can still happen, good decisions are still be made. i wonder if it would be too much to ask that i get such a reminder every day.

i've carried this preconceived false belief
that secretly everybody's fooling me
just acting sweet.

crimes of passion

you may or may not recall that a while back a dreamt about a llama. specifically about riding a llama on a long journey. i documented it on this weblog on january 20th of this year – exhibit A. that llama dream has popped into my head with regularity, especially since i keep seeing pictures of them in my reading material about peru. this morning at work, i thought of it again and decided that i wanted to know more about llamas, so i wikipediaed them – exhibit B. and this was the first thing i saw...
it's a llama overlooking machu picchu – where jill and i are going on our 4-day trek. i could have keeled over. i had no idea when i had that dream that llamas were indigenous to peru, nor did i have any plans to go there (if you recall back in january i was planning on going to scotland for 2 months). needless to say, i'm pretty flabbergasted. this just confirms to me that dreams are special, even when they seem ludicrous. llamas are my new favourite thing, and not only because the word starts with two L's.

i've been hearing a lot about the wind-turbines lately, and have noticed that i can see on my drive home from millhaven. i decided that i wanted to take a closer look, so i took the long way home, driving along the shore of lake ontario. i'm really fascinated by wind turbines. my mom thinks they're an eye sore, but i think they're incredible. they raise the sky. i fell in love with them when i was in PEI. i'm excited to have them here, there will be 84 when they're fully installed. very cool.

last sunday i sat on the limestone perimeter of st. andrew's church and read "oh the places you will go". i bought it for david for his birthday. he received it in the mail today and totally loved it. i'm so glad. he's at a very pivotal point in his life, and i feel i couldn't have written a better letter of encouragement if i'd tried. that dr seuss is a genius.

what's to come only fate can show.

premonition

waiting doesn't become me. the unknown is scary and i wonder if the cost is too high. i'm not much of a gambler. his story rocked my foundation, and left me feeling nauseous.

melissa spontaneously stopped by for a visit. another evening of chores abandoned for conversation over the kitchen table. she always likes to see what i've prepared for lunch the next day. i like her curiosity.

in my own way, i'm devastated at the loss of S&R. i know that sounds ridiculous, but on many occassions i've wondered "what would we do without S&R?!?!". i'm sad that it's closing, and disappointed. where will i buy my underpants, sox and yarn! where will i buy winterboots or pajamas!?! baby shower gifts and bed sheets!?!? the world as i know it will never be the same again :S i liked the sustainability of having an independant department store in walking distance to my house. all i can do now is turn away like a fickle lover and say "S&R you suck. i never liked you anyways".

the only thing that i ever learn
is when trusting a stranger your trust will be returned.

snails

last night during yoga class, i was trying to figure out how if i work for 8 hours a day, and sleep for 8 hours a night, why do i end up with only a 5 hour evening!?!? where does my other 3 hours go!

this evening went quickly as usual. i joined the melles' for dinner, came home to write my story for hatch, and now it's time to write my entry and start shutting down my body for the night. this issue of hatch is about "hand-made". once again, it was a difficult topic for me, but at the eleventh hour i heard that rach did not write about knitting after all, which opened up the topic for me. i like what i wrote, my only complaint is that it may be too similar to a blog entry. sometimes i can't differentiate the between the two.

at lunch today i did something new that i'd never done before. i joined the united way committee at work. i'm not particularly a joiner. most of my participation has been in church activities. but i've been striving to branch out, and i decided last year at the end of the united way campaign that i would join the committee next time. because why not, right?!?! it will stretch me, and help me mingle with new people around the office. it was a lunch meeting, we had to bring our own food. i was quietly amused because i had left-overs from grecos the other night and sat at the board room table eating pasta and mussels. i like the possibility of making my co-employees wonder "what is she eating?!?!" with my tuberware full of shells. so anyways, i'm not quite sure what my role will be, there were 7 people at the meeting, and two absentees. there were a few moments in which i wondered "what have i gotten myself into?", but i think it will be a good experience, and i'm glad i joined.

i would like to introduce you all the latest blog in the blogosphere. the lovely and bizarre shannon gendron has made her debut entry. pay her a visit, ok?

i believe if we run into red full speed,
then there isn't a blade beneath keen enough to pierce our skins.

wild flowers

so... i've decided to try my hand at internet dating. i've been dragging my feet for years, but so many people have been encouraging me to try it – my mom went so far as to print me off a bunch of profiles to look thru. i don't have high hopes, but i'm trying to have an open posture about the whole dating thing. i've decided to just window-shop thru the profiles once a week, and not try to force myself to consider anyone that my gut tells me isn't for me. it's amazing what people will use as profile pictures! some people are so careless, or just plan dumb – any guy with a photo of himself embraced with a woman i steer-clear of. like that's bizarre. aside from that some of the photos are just plan unflattering. i feel that a profile photo tells a lot, and not just about looks – personal style, hygiene, if they're serious, fun, uptight, sloppy, a partyer, adventurous, mellow, preppy, indie, how they feel about the colour orange. there are also key-phrases to look for in their profile, subtle warnings. it's quite interesting really, and pretty entertaining when i approach it just casually. i suspect it will be quite some time before there's anyone who interests me. at the very least, it's been flattering the number of guys i've had contacting me and telling me that i have a pretty smile. but that's nothing to envy. these are the moments that all my married friends, who usually envy my freedom, can count their blessings that they are not me :p but it's ok really, i see it as a rite-of-passage for my generation. admittedly, i'm still rather uncomfortable with the whole idea, so i'm going to keep telling myself that it's fine and no big deal. funny that i can go ziplining with ease, and yet find internet dating disconcerting.

i ate a tuna sandwich for breakfast this morning. it was kind of weird, but i wasn't even mildly hungry until lunch-time. i might make a habit of that.

i feel like my life has changed thru obtaining more sleep. it's AMAZING the difference it makes. i've actually been waking BEFORE my alarm goes off. it's nice!

i discovered tonight at yoga class that i hate push-ups. in contrast to that, i remembered how much i love peanut butter squares :)

fell asleep under a tree.

hydrant

i am the bush.
i am burning.
i am not consumed.

alley

it has been a jam-packed last couple of days....

first, i'd just like to say that after a fabulous night's sleep i woke-up feeling much better on friday morning. after work, melody arrived from waterloo, it was great to see her and as usual we picked up right where we left off – which has been our trend since we were 16. the really neat thing is that i met all her friends, family, and in-laws last year at her wedding, and she knows of all my friends by reading my blog! she even frequents some of my friend's blogs. so it was nice being able to talk about my friends and her already know who i'm talking about, and vice versa. mel and i are incredibly different, you couldn't find two more different friends, and yet we have a connection that doesn't disappear thru time or distance. last night we did the haunted walk of kingston, it was a little cheezy, but an interesting activity, and one i've been wanting to do for quite some time. this morning we went to pan chancho's for breakfast. we loved it. it felt so parisan (well, i thought it felt french, mel thought it felt italian), it has a great buzz to that place. we window shopped in the rain then, finished off at the goat before she headed to her next stop in belleville.

this evening i went to a wine-tasting party with al and shari, which coincidentally was held at melissa's friend's place, so she was there too! it was very fun. sitting between al and melissa was quite entertaining, especially when we were evaluating the body and odour of water. at the end we all had to select our 'wine personality' and mine was 'the livewire'. ray was not surprised by that, which i found very interesting that my personality was so easy to pin over the course of an evening. al was 'the softy', melissa was 'the pure-one', and shari was 'the emporer'.

i'm very excited because while melody and i shopped we went into trailhead and i bought a pair of hiking books 40% off for my trip to peru! they're really great. they're super light weight and comfortable. we booked our tickets yesterday, we fly out of toronto on july 18 and arrive back on august 3. hurray! that's 3 months from today!! so exciting!

will you succeed? yes, you will indeed. (98 3/4% guaranteed).

the pope

he hit a coyote on the highway and it created significant damage to his car. all i know is that you are a coyote on my highway and it's going to end badly for both of us.

i found out this morning that my $400 mouth-guard is not covered by my dental plan. both the insurance company and the dental office pointed fingers, and eventually the blame was pinned on me. i found this out first thing this morning, and can honestly say my day did not improve. the bounce in my step has disappeared. the butterflies in my stomach have turned to knots and twists. i'm disappointed with a capital d.

i'm so glad for the promise of a new day tomorrow. there's always tomorrow. nothing will be different, i know that, but it's a fresh start. a day teeming with possibilities. the optimist inside me is trying to cry out "i will not be overcome!". i will holdfast to the light, it will repel all darkness. tomorrow is a brand-new day, so i will be joyful.

i know it's messy, but you'll make it right.

solo

i once saw a film at the screening room called "les choristes" (the choir), some of you may have seen it. there a philosophy among the group of teachers that went "ACTION! REACTION!" meaning, if a student acts out of line, you react in punishment. this was not popular among the students and some of the other teachers. this saying "action. reaction" popped into my head this afternoon, and i concluded something: i am not a person of action – i'm a person of reaction. i avoid making decisions unless they are in reaction to something. when i face decisions that are unprovoked, they create copious amounts of stress. in some ways, my life involves flying below the radar, i like no muss and no fuss. i don't usually rock my own boat.

honestly? i'm scared assless. why did something that seemed so easy, have to turn so hard? i liked how it was going. which just makes me THAT much more miserable about this change of events.

this afternoon i picked up my mouth-guard from the dentist. it's for wearing at night so i stop clenching my teeth. i'm not thrilled about this, it's yet another thing i have to do before falling into bed. it should be free with my new dental plan (crossing my fingers!), so i decided it would be worth it to eliminate the sore mouth i wake up with each morning.

upon leaving the dental office, i strolled up princess street to indigo to purchase a new book or two. the sun was shining and the streets were bussling with people. oh how i wish that was a regular part of my daily routine instead of driving out to millhaven everyday. it was invigorating to be in such an eclectic environment without having to interact. just people watching.

i'm stuck on repeat.

i said, rock, what's a matter with you rock?
don't you see i need you, rock?

doxology

i woke up this morning at 4 am and i couldn't fall back to sleep. i proceeded to feel ill for the remainder of the day. i'm not certain if it was gut-rot or something else. it was unpleasant.

my mom did something hilariously awesome this past weekend. she went on a road trip to pennsylvania with a group of seniors from her church to go see an easter passion play. they visited a nearby amish town by the name of "intercourse". yes, that's right friends, intercourse, pennsylvania. i'm not even kidding, you can't make this stuff up. although that's extremely funny, the story does not end there. she took along a copy of the kingston this week newspaper and had her photo taken beside the sign holding the paper up. her intention was to submit it for publication (that's a regular segment in that paper, where the ktw has visited). i'm afraid she's lost her nerve because some of her church-going travel-companions frowned upon her behaviour. that made me laugh so hard. it totally sounds like something i would do. clearly that's where i get my mischievous, cheeky nature. it's so extra funny to me because i've never known that side of her, i'm sure if i'd done that she would've faked offense. i love it. i think she should push the boundaries more often, i like this side of her.

patience is a virtue i need to acquire.
anxiousness is vice i need to discard.

you look so good when you're laughing you know.

haunted

i ate some bacon with my dinner. i have to admit, it didn't smell as good as i had remembered, and while i ate it i wondered why, because i wasn't really enjoying it. i have a feeling my meat eating days may be numbered. i don't feel happy about that, i guess i'm just resisting taking a label or the commitment of it. haha. i'm a commitment-phobe about being a vegetarian.

i have a feeling i was among the minority of people at work today. man it was boring.

i'm heading over to bren's for a meeting of the unholy trinity of hatch – as al has deemed us. the deadline for the next issue is wednesday. i've got nothing. and no inspiration for a story. i'm not going to have design this one because it's been all hand-made as this issue is about hand-made stuff. man, in that case, i really should submit something or i won't be part of this issue at all! how sad!

it's a mixed bag really. a little of everything.

don't wanna be liked by you.
and i never wanna be in your bed.

joyful

contrary to my usual preference, i woke-up this morning at 5:15 and was at the shore of lake ontario at 5:45 for an easter sunday event. as i walked up to shan and brendan i told them "i'm unusually chipper for this time in the morning", brendan said "we can see that". i think it was because i was wearing my hot-pink snowpants, that and the fact i was simply excited about easter.

we stood in a circle holding a jar containing a candle in one hand, and a piece of paper and a rock in the other. we faced the west and spoke the words of things that bind us. we turned and faced the east and spoke the words of things we want to embrace. we threw the rock into the lake, symbolizing getting rid of the things that weigh us down. this activity was based on an old practice done in the past by monks. it was beautiful. then we together we sang songs and watched the sun make it's appearance beyond wolfe island. it was remarkable. i stood there thinking "this happens EVERY morning. EVERY morning. and we miss it." that's a shame, because it's a frickin miracle.

i came home to get dressed properly (because i was wearing my pajamas under my snowpants), then walked over to next for a easter sunday breakfast. i was wide awake, and enjoyed the fresh air on my skin and in my lungs. i had a nice time visiting with people over breakfast, and enjoyed the service immensely. it almost makes me wonder if i should always get up early on sunday mornings so that i'm fully awake by 10 and can really connect with the people at church.

i met a girl in the service who i chatted with. i asked her questions. her answers prompted more questions, and so it went. i probably could have asked her questions about her life all morning. but she stopped me and said "ok, enough about me, what about you?" she shifted awkwardly in the pew. i tried to explain that i like people so that she'd feel less uncomfortable by my interest, she compared it to 20 questions. my mom is the same way as me, once many years ago she worked at the ministry office of the salvation army. at lunch she'd sit with her colleagues and ask them questions to start conversation. they seemed rather put off and uncomfortable. she hated that job. and her co-workers made her feel self-conscious about asking questions as though she was prying. she's gun-shy now, and it still comes up "the ladies at the salvation army....". i try to assure her that not everyone will be like the women at the sally-ann. i hope i don't get myself into trouble some day thru my method of conversation making. i like it when people ask me questions, my brain interprets that as "oh! this person is interested in me, they care about me, they want to hear about this thing that's important to me" and it feels nice. i would prefer to err on the side of too much interest than seeming uninterested. let the interogation of love continue!

it was chilly, so i wore my airwalk boots this morning. they're a little worse for wear these days. much to my disappoint, i think i'll have to replace them next winter :( oh well. it's ok, boots aren't made to last forever. i got 3 winters out of them.

when you're bathed in light
and when your body bursts wide open
do you start to cry?
not cause you die, but cause you die still hoping?

melissa & me

i can't look at it right now. i'm ok, i'm doing alright. i'm not freaking out. but sitting here looking at it would be very upsetting. so i'll divert my eyes. the truth of the matter is i just hate that you beat me to it.

on different note, i feel smiley and encouraged.

tomorrow is easter. i've gone 40 days without meat (except for that time i accidentally ate in on the way to oakville at 7am). i can officially eat meat tomorrow, but i have little-to-no desire to. i've managed quite well and kind of wonder what the point of eating meat is – life is very sustainable without it. however, i could go for some bacon. i can't bring myself to become a vegetarian, and life is easier (at least more convenient) eating meat from time to time, but i probably won't make eating meat part of my regular diet. i'll consume meat in moderation, which seems very sensible.

followed the trail to the wild flowers.

hungry

i like how hanging out with the melles often changes my plans for the remainder of the day. i went over to hangout with bren this afternoon, and ended up going out to see frost/nixon with her husband mike at the screening room. it was good and informative. i was glad mike was with me, because there were a few things he explained to me in a whisper during the film.


here's a less than flattering photo that ro took of me yesterday. i was very cooperative and followed his instructions for poses. i like that her kids are getting used to me. how kieran friendily waved at me thru the window, and skye has started talking to me and using my name! that's a pretty big deal :)

when i've combed my dreads so that they look like 'sideshow bob' i know i've done it correctly.

i booked jill and my 4-day trek along the inca trail this afternoon. it's later in july than we had hoped, but the dates were booking up FAST, and in a matter of a few short days about 600 spots were taken. madness! exciting! this is the trek we're doing. we're splurging and getting a porter to carry our stuff, we figured we'd enjoy it so much more if we weren't miserable. i almost feel badly that i'm ONLY paying someone $98 US to carry my duffel bag thru the andes for 4 days. now we just have to finalize our travel :) i'm tickled pink.

everyone around wants to give you their thanks,
everyone around wants to give you their hands.
we want to thank you so much!
may every breath you breathe be built on sacred things.

compost

this evening took an unexpected turn in events. it's been amusing, surprising, and a little daring. oh my, it makes me laugh. i'm curious to see how it will all pan out.

sometimes i think it's unnecessary to state the obvious.

he’s 38 years old never kissed a girl.

gleeful

i wonder about this expression "a pictures tells a thousand words". i'm skeptical because i have photos or have seen photos that could not nearly express the richness of a moment or experience. the best example of this is the movie based on the best selling novel. movies rarely come close to the fullness of a book. sometimes little is known without the addition of words. the right words can break an image wide open. the saying is not "the camera is mightier than the sword" although, that is also true at times. i dunno. i just want to sing the praises of words because they blow my mind.

you know what i just realized? there is no other word for 'word'. can you think of any?

you may have noticed that i'm up past my bed-time and my computer is still on. i had a late bored meeting and didn't have time to write beforehand. i really didn't want to go two nights in a row without splashing my thoughts on this canvas.

i feel like a square peg in a round hole. i wonder if i'll ever find the right fit. i'm not your regular girl. perhaps a little obscure for every day consumption. however, in spite of my aches, i wouldn't want it any other way. i'm a satisfactory version of myself.

it's possible that i haunt you. you may be the first one ever.

almost each night between two and four,
she rolls out of bed and onto the floor.

inconspicuous

i found it somewhat alarming that i had a good day at work today. i had less of an aching desire to get out of there as soon as possible. however, just because all the days aren't bad doesn't mean i should stay there for eternity. sometimes it's just time to move on.

have i mentioned that i'm reading "to kill a mockingbird"? unlike most people i know, i didn't read it in highschool english. within days if starting it i found 2 similarities to the book i'd just finished. i found it amusing that two points of plot were the same in "boy meets girl" (a book version of the mindless chick-flick genre) and "to kill a mockingbird" (a modern classic). 1) they both involved laywers. 2) both involve someone biting off a finger. number 2 is odd in any book, but extra strange that it occured in two consecutive books. very odd.

well a week has gone by with me turning my computer off before 9:30 (on nights before workdays), and i'd say it was a great experience. so i'm going to extend this practise in hopes of it becoming a habit. i'm way too distracted by both the internet and by music that i get into bed WAY too late.

i had to buy more dread shampoo the other day. i'd have to say, knottyboy has the nicest smelling shampoo i've ever used! they didn't have the same flavour as last time so i got "patchouli love" sounds fancy huh? dreamy even. and it smells soooo good.

i should go or yogi master dennis will try to make small talk with me about being late for class. oh frig... i just got distracted by a rad song and now i'm TOTALLY gonna be late. argh!

my mother told me
to put on your boots
and go out in the backyard.

palm

i'm developing a bit of a pet-peeve. i feel uncomfortable when cashiers comment on my purchases. it doesn't happen everywhere, but it happens consistently at certain places (i.e. chapters and the church bookroom). i don't mind people talking to me, i'd just rather it was something like "how are you today?" or "isn't kingston beautiful in the spring time?" instead of them giving me their opinion of my selection. it feels weird, because if i DIDN'T think it was going to be good, i wouldn't be buying it, would i?

i have to tell you something so that i'm not misunderstood. being a 29-year-old woman, babies come into my realm of thought from time to time. this is normal. perhaps even healthy. but unfortunately, it means that it's sometimes very difficult for me to hear that others are having babies, especially people who are my age, or sometimes younger. obviously there are exceptions: friends who already have kids, friends who desperately want to have kids but are having difficulty. i can be joyful with them, and i'm joyful for the others once i get over the initial shock. it's tough because i'm not choosing to be celibate, it's been somewhat forced upon me by circumstances. so please understand when i start complaining about being surrounded by baby-factories, or say couples lose their coolness when they reproduce, that i'm not just simply a jerk. it's just buckets of salt in my wounds. it's incredibly alienating being surrounded by young moms. especially at ladies nights at next when the topic revolves around babies and child-birth. i don't want people to have to tip-toe around me or anything, i'd just like to be included and not excluded.

i should go.

don't you put me on the back burner.

goldfish

i'm FREEZING!

i went with my mom to the home show this afternoon. it wasn't really my cup of tea considering i don't own a home and have no plans of buying one. but i know what it's like to want to go to something but not have anyone to go with so i agreed to join her. we were finished there sooner than we anticipated so i invited her to the goat with me. i never thought i'd take my family to the goat, i felt like that part of my world was very separate from my family life, but i suddenly felt inclined to introduce her to it. it felt a little odd, but i liked that she got to know me better while sitting there. as we talked she kept asking me what i felt my purpose of my life is; what my burning hearts desire is that will leave a legacy. she didn't seem to like my answers – they weren't deep enough or profound enough. we went over it and over it, until i finally said "mom, i'm answering your question, you're just not accepting my response". ultimately, it seems she was trying to give me a sense of purpose because she herself lacks one – or did until she found one – and i appreciate her attempt at helping me find purpose. but the truth is, i don't lack one. my life is very fulfilling. it sucks if a person (any person, not just my mom) looks at me and thinks i have no purpose, but that's really just self-projection – them projecting themselves on me. regardless, she's got me thinking, and reminded me that i won't have the same level of interest in life in my 60s if i don't have a clearly defined meaning or legacy. when i really try thinking about my heart's desires a coldplay song strikes up in my head and i know all i want is what he's singing: "i wanna live life and always be true. i wanna live life and be good to you. i wanna fly and never come down. live my life and have friends around". what more could i ask for? i think there are two ways of looking at life: 1) a plot – going from A to B and the facts about what happens along the way. 2) a story – a tale about a journey including the struggles and victories, experiencing every aspect and facet. my life is a story, and my purpose is to invest in the lives of the people around me and the experiences in which i find myself. there. i should send that to my mom and tell her to stick that in her pipe and smoke it. haha ;) i guess the way i see it is that the story continues even when we're old, even when we're past the climax of the plot.

i feel apologetic that my life's purpose is not to cure cancer or minister to orphans, but it's not and i'm not going to kid myself. all i can do is be the best me i can be. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and i'm totally in a "sowing my wild oats" phase. i'm ok with that. it's better to do that now than later when i have people depending on me.

i had a good time with my mom today. i learned new things about her. i appreciate that we're on the same level. she's gone thru the same things i have/am and is patient with me. at one point she said to me "you're still sorting it out aren't you" with a pensive look on her face, then said "i've been there too".

have you ever noticed how similar the words "comedy" and "committe" sound?

talkers keep saying things like "you'll be alright".

skip

the best thing about surprises is that they could happen at any moment.

my mother told me,
to look up and down and all around.
and to be thankful for all you’ve got.
so hold on.

precocious

i have writer's block. that's what happens when i pressure myself to write so that i can turn off my computer at 9:30. i did a few things today, but i can't seem to stream them together as continuous thoughts/sentences.

i don't feel well. i think my dinner is not sitting well inside my organs.

it seems i'm at a bit of a fork in the road. those come up frequently. perhaps it's the way i live my life. or maybe it's just part of getting up each morning. i'm not going to do anything rash. there are times when i wish someone else would make my decisions for me, this is one of those times. ah... it always goes back to me being a decision avoider. interesting.

you signed and sealed it.

buttertart

it seems i've given up the Y in exchange for chapters bookstore. i've been there three times in the last week buying books. good thing i got an irewards card.

everyday i drive past the school bus depot which is guarded by a handful of picketers. they remind me more of the kingston santa claus parade than a group of employees on strike. when i think of a picket line, i think 'billy elliott' – the UK miners strike. that's the kind of mayhem i'm looking for. not a few stragglers with wimpy signs smiling and waving as the cars drive by. maybe tomorrow i should try to cross their picket line just to see what they do. i suspect they'd try to hug me and offer me some cocoa...

it's no wonder i have a complex. i swear my own father has lost interested in calling me now that i'm actually answering the phone. i hate men! i hate them. i hate playing their games. i hate that they don't like you if you like them. i hate that you have to seem weak and pathetic because otherwise they're intimidated. i wish they'd all just grow a pair. part of me thinks i'll regret this outburst, but i don't care. i'm just so pissed off at the XY genepool, and i know it won't make any difference anyways, because for some reason they all think i'm a leper. well screw them, they're all stupid anyways. (i probably wouldn't care so much if i didn't think guys were so cool)

your head is full of fire.