flash

in spite of what's implied by this picture,
he actually really adores me.

i've gotten some stuff sorted out. a good talk with a good friend put my fears at bay and i've been able to get back to simply enjoying him. i love that i've hooked up with someone who loves music even more than i do. excellent.

me, b and liz went to skeleton park this afternoon to see the gertrudes and check out the costume parade. it never occurred to me that i was supposed to dress up, and was therefore terribly under-dressed. thankfully when bren and mike arrived they weren't in costume either, so then i felt less weird. there were some good outfits there, i think my favourite was lyon's mary poppins – it was extra funny because shanno hates mary poppins.

b and i made lasagna tonight. and when i say we, i mean he. i mostly sat and talked, or cut stuff up per his instructions. which worked out well because apparently he has issues when it comes to kitchen stuff – he's a one man show. i like this picture. in fact, i really like my kitchen.

if i wanna fly i could fly for freedom.

casino

i'm concerned that my new shampoo smells like toothpaste :S

i don't know how to navigate things. how to be changed along with my changed circumstances. i've been surprised and alarmed to find a few lurking issues that i have not managed to expel. i know it hurts him when i remind him that things could turn horribly sour, and that it crushes a little bit of his green grassy heart. i don't want to trample him. i find myself constantly trying to keep him at arms length, that's driven by my fear that someday he'll be beyond arms reach and i won't know how to cope. i'm too old to be foolish, he's too young to be anything but. he knows not to give me empty promises or empty reassurances, so instead he tells me "we're going to be ok", which i find comforting and like that he knows the right thing to say. the thing i find scary is that each day our connection grows, and it's becoming that i feel more like myself when we're together. i'm in the midst of a new normal. i find that beautiful, but risky. i've gambled too much with my heart, it's worn-out and shapeless, but just like any gambler there's part of me that thinks it's worth one more toss of the dice - because "you never know". he tells me not to worry about tomorrow. i like that he lives so much in today and there's part of me that really aspires to be like that. but i think my survival instinct searches for signs of life in the days to come. i hear the words of my sister echo in my head, and i agree with the sentiment, but fear grips me. i don't know how to let go when i trust no one but myself and even that trust is sketchy. maybe a person never really heals. i thought i was stronger than this, more capable, and more relaxed. however, i don't think this is about him, or us, or anything other than me actually. i have hang-ups. i've been burnt and are now shy. no one can change that other than me. but the thing is, being broken made me a better person. there's absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. would i change the years gone by, the water that's gone under the bridge? no. but i would change now. how i feel now. what i fear now. it's time to let go, and just be.

you make me feel like i am home again.

disaster

i'm always amazed when i have a passenger and they take it upon themselves to adjust the knobs on my control panel. yesterday my colleague francois drove with me to our testing facility and almost immediately he started turning on the A/C increasing the air flow, etc. i didn't mind exactly, i was just quite surprised. i've always considered controls in a car off limits, i would never adjust anyone elses heat or stereo. that's like going into someone elses home and turning up the heat - that would be very rude! that's why i don't do it. i thought that was regular car ettiquette, but maybe not.

it's always highly amusing when someone stumbles across my blog from googling me. partly because they have no idea that i know they've done it, but also because it's hiliarious to discover that they're curious about me. i guess it's a bit of a compliment.

while babysitting the kids i was quite disturbed by this video game joelle had been given by some friends. it's was this crazy consumeristic plot that was all about getting money for menial tasks (20 dollars for watering a plant, 40 dollars for sweeping the floor) then she could go to the mall with $350 and buy all sorts of crap she didn't need until she had no money left. it was REALLY disturbing.

we're going places you've never dreamed of.

ticket

i forgot to make mention yesterday that it was my 4 year anniversary of pspd. it's been a crazy, long ride so far. i've enjoyed having this blog as an outlet and a place to share about my life. it's filled a need in my life, and maybe in some ways the lives of other people too. thanks for being a part of this experience, and i look forward to many more entries in the future :)

i told you to be patient,
i told you to be fine,
and i told you to be balanced,
and i told you to be kind,
in the morning i'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind.

apron

mondays are usually my nights at the Y. but it dawned on me while at work that this week is going to be especially busy with activities, and if i go to the Y i'd continue to live in squalor and would NOT experience peace of mind. what's the point of a leisurely hobby if it adds to the burden of your regular life? partly the reason why yoga and pilates is important to me is that i feel that those activities provide an element of balance to my life. but i need to be careful that i don't begin to focus more on the activity than what's being accomplished thru it. so i stayed home. i had a delicious dinner, i finished "a million miles in a thousand years", i cleared out my refrigerator (that has had rotting vegetables in it since the beginning of august), i baked some cookies for the board meeting on wednesday, and i cleared off my desk! i can actually see the glass surface for the first time since june! it's been good. i feel good. and that's the point of my evening at the Y, right?

when i returned to work today i was asked if i had the swine flu. i don't know for sure. i'm hoping i did because then i'm done and won't have to worry about getting the vaccine. i've reviewed the symptoms but my analysis has been inconclusive.

the announcement has been made, and i have NOT been selected as a bombardier torchbearer for the 2010 olympics :( oh well. it's ok. it would've been fun, but i think it would've also been hard and i'd be nervous. so in a way i'm relieved. i'm happy to just go watch with some of my friends. it will be amazing.

i was really hating my hair today. it was bothering me a lot. looked terrible. but when i threw it up into a bun in frustration it ended up looking great! phew! it's just gotten so freakishly short. that's my only criticism, that dreads has progressively made my hair shorter in the last 10 months. except for one dread. it's like a have a dread rat tail :S

the one that you're using is bruising you.

out

i had a lovely time at the goat with shanno today for lunch. my food was especially tasty. we arrived in the freakish half-hour between breakfast and lunch, and had to wait 20 minutes before we could order. we just got a beverage and sipped it slowly until lunchtime. i noticed when i was there yesterday with bren that the man sitting at the table beside us (we had to share a table) was TOTALLY eavesdropping on our conversation. at one point i turned and looked at him and he quickly looked away – pretending he hadn't just been blatantly watching and listening to me. it was a bit awkward. thankfully the people at our shared table today didn't listen to our conversation, however it didn't seem like they were doing much of anything. just eating silently, staring into space – also a little bit weird.

well, having missing 3 days of work and one bake sale i'll be back in the office tomorrow morning. i had a really encouraging conversation with eric after living room tonight. apparently there's quite a lot of demand for freelance design work in kingston.

you know what i hate about facebook? (besides the fact that they change it every 4 to 6 months) that it doesn't allow people to customize the homepage. i liked it the way it was, with the photos and stuff on the right. why can't it have options for people to have the live feed or news feed if they want it, or photos, or status updates, or whatever!!?!? people like to be able to customize stuff. i wish they'd realize that soon and give us some control of our homepages :S

i'm hoping that you'll stick around.

blink

i've had a really great day. my cold is finally retreating and i've had some time to myself and some time with people.

i had to get up early to take my car to get rust-proofed. i've never done that before, however i do think it's important and i've been planning on doing it for a while. so it felt good to get that accomplished. i felt like a fish out of water while waiting for my car. but i came to the conclusion, that sometimes we have to find ourselves in those types of situations to be reminded of who we are.

when i got home i quickly put together a flyer for a new homework club. another thing accomplished. then made impromptu plans with bren to walk down town for a cup of tea. i enjoy her company a great deal, and like her spontaneity.

while i was downtown i did a few errands, then dropped by michelle's place, went came home for dinner before i went out on a date with myself to the screening room. i went to see enlighten up! – it's a documentary about yoga. when i arrived i heard someone say my name, so i looked around to find liz sitting near the back so i moved to sit with her. that was a fun coincidence.

it's just been a fantastic day. just what i needed :) i only wish i'd had time/the desire to really thoroughly tidy the pad, because it's starting to get too cluttered. that and i didn't get around to the next logo. hm. oh well. soon.

someone like me with someone like you –
how unlikely, too good to be true.

corduroy

the leaves on the trees across the street from my house have started falling. i think they were slower than most to start changing colour. they look beautiful drenched in rain, kissed by the cold. the leaves cover the ground like a carpet. the trees draw attention to themselves as people pass by below – occasionally tapping someone on the shoulder or patting them on the head. for some reason they look so soft, i wish i could reach out and run my hand along them as they hang in the trees. i'll miss them when they're gone.

being sick has given me lots of reading time. i finished my book club book with a great sense of satisfaction. then started on the new don miller book, it's really neat, he does the inca trail!

i'm planning on going back to work tomorrow. emma is here from the UK again, i want to see her. i just don't want to make her sick because she's going to spain on vacation next week. on saturday i need to take round two of the next church logo. i'm hoping for success. i will conquer logo design, i will own it, it will not overcome me. this is important seeing as it seems i'm destined for a life-long relationship with logo design, so we might as well make peace pronto.

this is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization.

logarithm

earlier today i had symptoms of a cold. i was quite delighted by the thought that i'll get a few days off sick, but now that it's evening and my cold is really taking hold of me, i'm less thrilled. i've almost completely lost my voice, and that's never happened to me before. it's really bizarre. i've just left a message for the knickers saying i won't be coming in in the morning, i figured i had better leave a message while i can still speak. i'm going to drink some neocitran and get into bed. i'll read before i pass out in a medicated state. at least i'm getting a lot of reading done.

i'm picking fruit
and i choose you.

epoxy

i did something dumb tonight.
i went to the Y as usual on a monday night. usual routine of pilates, treadmill, then yoga. but i stupidly walked the treadmill in my new roxy boots and the soles of my feet are majorly sore and blistered. which ruined yoga class because i couldn't do the positions properly. aside from that, tonight was already a bit of a let down. i had a substitute teachers, and i just don't like their style of teaching as much as christina and yogi master dennis. i just don't think my heart was in it.

i bought the new dragonette cd on saturday. bren teased me saying it's so retro to buy cds, it's true, but i get them for at work. they're ideal because i can listen to them on repeat for weeks at a time. i'm totally digging this album, i needed some new tunes in my cube. it's revitalizing.

he gave me the blues. i gave him a broken circle.

come on, say it,
i know you can feel it too.

mopeds

i love that rach laughed. i love that she gave me a hug too.

i've really been enjoying living room. it's different every year, and so, as usual, i'm enjoying it in a different way. i love that it gives me a chance to connect with people. that we spend 2.5 hours together in a small room talking about the bible, God, and life. we share personal stories, things that really matter, i feel invested in the lives of those people. i know what's important to them, and as a result it's important to me too. i have a unique role as the facilitator, and i consider it a bonus because i get to really look out for the people who come. living room has taught me a great deal about life, relationships, community, myself, and God too. this is my fifth year leading this group. when i started it all those years ago, i had no idea how long it would last, or what the outcome of it would be. it's been a positive experience, and it makes me happy to hear that it's been good for the living roomers too. for that i take no credit, i'm just glad that it's worth the effort and it's affective in accomplishing its purpose. i think i experience the group very different as the facilitator than the others do. there are times when i find it really hard, times when i find myself praying "oh God, please help us" when the conversation goes down a particularly challenging path. and thankfully things always wrap-up nicely. i always leave with a bounce in my step and a thrill of knowing it was time well spent.

it's amazing the things i learn from a six year old.

i'm transparent to my sister even over email.

heart on my sleeve,
not where it should be.

(no subject)

as my new-thing-i've-never-done-before for october, i played poker at the house famous. i'd never played poker before, and i was a little slow in the uptake at first, but eventually got with the program. i even won about 4 hands.

bren and i went shopping this afternoon. she needed to go to the mall, and hates the mall, so i went to provide her with some moral support and to enjoy her company. she needed to get some boots, and oddly enough i bought some before she did, and i wasn't even looking :S they're just simple slip on boots for shoveling, taking out the trash, driving to friends houses – i hate having to do up boots when i'm just going to be wearing for a few minutes. i've been needing something like that for several years, and they were on sale, so i bought them for posterity's sake. they're great. i've been wearing them all evening – well at least since i returned home from two different birthday celebrations. i think i'm especially fond of boots. they make my feet so toasty. now that i think of it, these are my third pair that i've posted a picture of on pspd. it might seem frivolous to own 4 pairs of boots, but they all have different uses – 1) my big brown fancy boots for dressy occasions, 2) my awesome black winter airwalks for general wear, 3) my sensational galoshes for rainy wear, and 4) now my roxy slip-ons for convenience and endurance. i actually feel quite privileged to own such boots.

your hair was long when we first met.

squirrels

there was a wellness fair at work today. seeing as i'm on the committee i had to think of people/organizations to invite to participate. i asked lyon if he'd like to come and have a table about organic/locally grown food, he said he would. so i connected him with the organizer, and plans fell into place. this morning i gave him a drive and helped him with all his goods, then went on my merry way. a couple hours later i went over to check out the scene and discovered that tim's booth was by FAR the best one there, not only in display but in interaction. tim's personality is perfect for interacting with strangers, especially about things he loves. his booth was the most busy one there, i tried to go around to the other tables even though i really wasn't interested, but i kind of felt sorry for them. jamie told me that tim's table brought a human element to the fair. i felt proud of tim, and by extension felt proud of the people in my community.

i really wanted tim to come and visit me in my cubicle, but i'm in the smaller of the two buildings – they're connected by a tunnel and you need a badge to enter and exit. brendan told me that he wouldn't be surprised if tim finds his way into my building, and sure enough he appeared at my desk. it made me laugh that brendan was right, and i think it made me exclaim extra loud "you're here!". it was cool getting to show him where i work and have a little visit with him in my space. before he came i was sure that seeing my work environment would help tim understand me better (as it would anyone), and i think it did.

david and sue came to pick him up at lunch time, i bumped into them in the parking lot when i was heading out for my walk. that gave me an opportunity to take them over to my building and show them my 8x8 blue cube too. sue was quite disturbed by the cubicle culture, it was refreshing to talk to someone who could clearly see that it's an oppressive environment. when i showed them my desk i tried to highlight the modifications i've made to make it more bearable.

when i was talking to the knickers later, she said "i met your friend tim, he's nice", then went on to say he seems like a beatnik. i wasn't certain of the definition, so i just agreed and said he's a hippie. later on i looked it up and found that a beatnik is: "a person who participated in a social movement of the 1950s and early 1960s which stressed artistic self-expression and the rejection of the mores of conventional society; a usually young and artistic person who rejects the mores of conventional" and it made me wish that i'd known that before because not only is tim a beatnik, so are most of my friends. i so wish i'd had an opportunity to tell her that, as a means of rebelliously rejecting her conventional outlook.

a man melts the sand so he can see the world outside.

peninsula

indeed. there are times when it's necessary, and quite satisfying, to stay up way past one's bedtime to see some live music and spend time with good friends.

some days it all adds up and what you got is enough.

daddified

for those of you following along at home you are aware that i do at least one new thing every month. it dawned on me today (with a fair bit of horror) that we're mid-way thru october and i don't have anything planned for this month. i can think of several small things, but i'd like it to be something good. do you have any suggestions or ideas?

i went to a lecture tonight at queen's. i liked sitting in between bren and melissa. being in the presence of two of my inner circle. it was quite a privilege.

i forgot to tell you, i dropped my lunch all over the floor at work yesterday. to my utter surprise two quite unlikely women knelt on the floor with me trying to clean up my scattered rice.

ok. that answers my question.

she's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.

smirk

i've come to the conclusion that my level of stress is directly related to the amount of time i spend in my cubicle. i've GOT to get out for my walks at lunch time. which means i'll have to bring warm clothes, and i won't be able to read while walking because it's too cold to turn the pages :S that's too bad, i really like reading.

i started on my second mitt last night. but unfortunately, this evening when i was halfway done i realized i was using the wrong size of needles and had to rip it out :S darn it! sometimes i'm so careless and don't pay attention to what i'm doing.

i saw the most incredible rainbow as i drove home today. did anyone else see it? i think it could only be seen from a certain angle, because when i turned the corner it was gone. it was a full rainbow the kind that's a complete arch. it was incredibly beautiful. i wanted to believe there was a promise hidden inside it for me.

ooooh! my replacement zooropa cd came in the mail today! hurray!

she sees a man, inside the child.

hay

i came across a quote the other day that really hit me in the face. "i always find it more difficult to say the things i mean than the things i don't."(W. Somerset Maugham). i feel that is true of me as well. i don't know if it's a question of getting choked up by the words, or if i don't know how to explain what's going on in the labyrinth of my mind, or if saying the things that dwell in the inner most parts of my heart makes me too vulnerable. i'm not sure, it's complicated. but it was lovely to see someone else put it into words.

i'm so glad the heat in my house has finally turned on. i've been freezing!

all of us here
have been here all the time.

cougar

i had my family over for thanksgiving dinner today. i made a chicken instead of a turkey. i'm working myself up to it. last time i had them over for thanksgiving i made a ham, so a chicken is one step closer, at least it was a bird. and really, a chicken was all we needed. there's was only 4 adults and 3 kids. my mom is in vermont with my aunt and uncle. things at dinner went fairly well. a couple of the vegetables were undercooked, but everyone applauded me heartily. it was fun. it turns out that liam is horribly afraid of cats and would scream blue murder every time one came near him. we went over to the park after dinner and froze our butts off, i am unprepared for october to be this cold.

joy and tim invited me over for a movie this evening, so i went and took my knitting with me. i struggled with my knitting pattern at church this morning and tried to solicit advise from the people around me, but no one knew how to help me. thankfully i got it worked out tonight, and got my first mitt finished! it looks good. it's going to be felted, so i might need to come to one of your houses to borrow your washing machine.

it IS funny, which is partly why i like it and feel like it's a good thing.

for the last two mornings i've woken up at my regular work time. which is really annoying because i LOVE sleeping in. here's hoping that i'll be able to sleep til noon tomorrow.

i dyed a streak of purple in my hair last night. today my dad says to me "you're hair looks nice les. different, is it darker?" and i said "look closer". tim pointed out "she has purple in the front part". my dad peered at my head and said "oh... that's nice" in a way that i know that he's humouring me. i laughed, patted him on the knee and said "thanks for trying dad". i love my dad. he makes me laugh. tonight he was telling us that he's starting a "geezers" group at his church, tim said "are you going to have a metamucil tasting party sometime?" (just to be a bum) and my dad said without missing a beat "we'll probably do that in december".

you tell me what's real.

i really want to go apple picking sometime. does anyone want to go with me? lemme know, ok?

M*A*S*H*

i had the funnest time with shannon at our slumber party. we carved pumpkins and told secrets. it was a good convo, the kind that's all giggly and girly. i can guarantee it was the kind of conversation that you'd ALL want to eavesdrop on :p

shannon's is on the left, mine is on the right. i was talking so much that i didn't get a lot of carving done, and my knife wasn't ideal. meanwhile, shanno really went to town on hers, expect she was so absorbed in the conversation that she just kept chipping away at his nose and it turned out larger than she had planned. we had some good laughs. i roasted the pumpkin seeds this morning. yum.

we got a late night pizza and drank our 6 dollar bottle of wine while watching the sex and the city movie. shanno passed out half way thru – hahaha, that makes it sound like she was drunk, she wasn't, just tired. apparently she always falls asleep during movies. i do that often as well, except i just turn it off and watch the rest at a later time. which is what we did. when we got up we watched the second half and gave ourselves pedicures and drank wine before noon.

no one could ever accuse us of never laughing at ourselves.

shan wrote a great little summary of our slumber party on her blog. i'm really glad she's in my life. she's so great and i like that we talk about all sorts of inappropriate things. she's a good friend – sets my mind at ease. my little weirdo feminist freedom-fighter :)

i think i'll go put a streak of purple thru my undreaded bangs.

i'm not meaning to avoid eye contact with you. i'm actually trying to work up the courage to look you straight in the eye. it's just that i'm not a multi-tasker, and i can't BOTH look you in the eye and not blush at the same time :S

lend me some sugar,
i am your neighbor.

curvaceous

we had our first "real" book club meeting tonight. "real" in the sense that we actually discussed the book. it seemed i'm the only one who didn't finish, meanwhile jordin didn't read at all. over all, i'd say no one was crazy about the book, some enjoyed it more than others. i love that we sat knitting and talked amount a ton of other things, and pretty much discussed the book very little. i've been struggling with my knitting project, so i'm thrilled that i was surrounded by knitting pros who could not only advise me but also could provide me with the correct size of needles. kim is not (yet) a knitter, but she is a quilter, which impressed us all. sarah was busy knitting a cape that may or may not contain magical powers.

i was super stressed at work today. thankfully during our discussion tonight the different form of love languages came up in convo. so everytime i got all anxious the girls (specifically michelle and rach g) were quick to bestow on me affection to help calm my nerves.

as i waited to head home (i carpooled with rach e and jordin), i jokingly said "throw me that laptop and i'll do my blog entry right now", so i'm currently sitting on rach g's couch with my lovely book clubmates surrounding me. they're currently discussing burmese cats in heat.

well i should probably hit "publish post" so i don't delay the girls any longer. they're reading over my shoulder as i write and are not-so-silent contributors (providing suggestions and so on).

you may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

beards

i like that with a quick glance we can share the same thought.

a number of weeks ago i babysat my sister's offspring. while i was there i had a conversation with joelle about how old i am.
she says to me "you're kind of like a teenager, right?",
i tell her "no, not really. i'm a grownup",
to that she says "well you're kind of in between a teenager and a grownup",
"no, i really am a grownup" i insist.
i'm not exactly sure what is about me that she associates with being a teenager, but she wouldn't let it go. i just concluded that she equates me not being a parent as not being a grownup (i'm pretty sure when i was little that 'grownups' was another word for 'parents'). however, i'm beginning to think that she might be on to something. she may actually just be very astute. my reason for thinking this is because i'm having shannon over on friday night for a good old fashion sleepover. the kind teenaged girls have with pizza and pedicures – except ours will involve alcohol and R rated movies (sex and the city). i'm really excited about it. and it's left me wondering if i'm an unusual 29 year old, or if my contemporaries just don't have sleepovers because they're married with kids. i've concluded that i'm perfectly ok with being a teenaged-grownup hybrid. i like being this way – young with the experience of life. some may say i'm immature, others might say i'm a "young 29". i don't know if i agree with either assessment. i'm just different. i guess next time joelle tells me that i'm kind of like a teenager i'll tell her "ya, i guess i am".

i want to tell you a secret – a secret of my own.

i had a great time at storytellers tonight. andrew challenged us with our writing activity. we've dwindled in numbers. people have moved away, others have been swept away with the busyness of life. the girls greatly out number the boys – poor andrew and jay. we'd like more people to join us with their pencils and notepads. it's a fun time, fun and rewarding. maybe you should come. you really don't need to be crazy awesome, it's a learning and stretching experience.

buy buy, says the sign in the shop window,
why why, says the junk in the yard.

serenade

this morning i woke up and found that my eyes felt funny. like sandpaper. i wondered if i'd left my contacts in overnight. i tried looking at things across the room to see if they seemed clear or blurry, but in the grogginess of 6:50 a.m. it's difficult to tell what's what. i was of two minds, part of me hoped i'd left my contacts in because it would explain the discomfort, but the other part of me hoped i had not because it's really bad to sleep in contact. turns out i did. thankfully my eyes weren't so dried out that they'd fused to my cornea. just to be on the safe side i wore my glasses all day.

this evening i watched the last episodes of sex and the city. it was bittersweet. i inwardly hate that two part episode, i empathize with carrie too much and it gives me anxiety. i've actually been dreading that episode this whole time, i hoped i would feel different this time knowing that it ends well, but i still didn't like it. my favourite line is when miranda says to big "go get our girl" :) one thing i noticed about sex and the city is that two of the characters end up with really good – yet unattractive – men. this is surprising since it's not reality, so one would expect them to end up with knock-outs because they are very beautiful women. it's kind of comforting. i feel like i've learned a valuable lesson, and am reminded that beautiful men aren't usually all they're cracked up to be. it's making me think – convicted me a little.

there's a bear on the loose at work. yup, that's right. a black bear is hanging out in millhaven, it was spotted twice today on our property. oh crap! i just realized that i went walking at lunch time today by myself around the defunct factory, no one else was walking and i couldn't figure out why. i was reading my book as i walked, it's quite possible the bear was close by and i wouldn't have even noticed. perhaps that was imprudent of me :S oh well, i'm alive.

i like that my mom thinks i'm funny. i can crack random inappropriate jokes and she in turn cracks up.

she just cant be chained
to a life
where nothings gained
and nothings lost
at such a cost.

old dutch

do you see this???

i seriously did this at yoga class tonight.

i know, it's kind of crazy. a stranger lied on top of me as my forehead was smooshed into the mat. she was taller than me. then it was my turn to be on top, which was actually incredibly comfortable. talk about getting to know your fellow yogis. yoga class was different tonight because yogi master dennis was absent. some lady was filling in for him, we mostly lied on the floor stretching. it was ok. my pilates class was intense. i feel really comfortable in my body lately, which is really great. pilates class just emphasized that for me. it felt good.

yesterday my mom's only sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) arrived from the u.k. for a visit. my mom has lived in canada for 40 years, and they've visited once – 20 years ago. i'm excited about them visiting, i think that's great. i suggested to her last week that she could bring them by my office to see where i work – she just lives roughly 6 minutes from my site. she thought that was a great idea, she's never been there before either. so today they came. it was exciting. i introduced them to marilyn and frank (the knickers is in vancouver – which is good, i wouldn't have felt comfortable inviting them if she was in the office), and i showed them my cubicle. they asked me all sorts of questions about bombardier, and i explained my job to them and showed them some of my work. they were very interested and impressed :) i felt a bit self-conscious because i wasn't wearing long sleeves, and my tattoo was quite obvious. my mom's family is quite conservative, and i felt awkward about them noticing it. they didn't say anything, perhaps my mom warned them about my dreads and tattoo before hand (she's done that before). and now that i think of it, i didn't have my nose pierced the last time i saw them either. oh well, i'm me and i like my accessories. i'm sure they're fine with it, they know me and love me. coming from the u.k. it's hard for them to imagine how big canada is. when they flew over labrador the pilot came on and announced it would be another 2 hours, my uncle david was shocked because he felt like arriving above canada would mean they were almost there.

when i think about my mom and my auntie eileen i wonder what joy and i will be like when we're in our 60s.

my tongue is loose. my talk is cheap.

don't question why she needs to be so free,
she'll tell you its the only way to be.

again

sometimes i get a wave of nostalgia. or maybe something else that i can't identify. i wish you were online, because i feel like talking to you.

sometimes i can't look at my own reflection. the sight of myself is frustrating. it's like trying to avoid eye-contact with a loved one. i think i feel guilty and i don't know why.

it's probably this song. or this feeling on my lips. the fact that i'm not tired, but i could curl up in a ball and listen.

i don't really get it. i wish i could put my head in your lap. and for you to wipe my bangs out of my eyes, and stroke my hair. my mind is clouded with self-doubt.

i wish i was highway driving. in the dark. listening to this song in the solitude of my car. i wonder if in this fantasy if i'm driving somewhere or getting away from somewhere. losing or finding.

i'm feeling it. deeply. i'm drenched in it. i just don't know what 'it' is. but it's thick, and it's real, and it might disappear before i figure out what it is. disintegrate into the air.

good friends we have,
good friends we've lost.

parallel

sometimes i say inappropriate things because i think it's funny. i trust that those i'm talking to get that i'm joking. unfortunately, they don't always. i think i do this because there's very little that i love more than being shocked. i love when something is so funny that it slaps me across the face and is mildly offensive (south park is a good example of this kind of humour). but i suppose not everyone gets offensive humour and i should be more careful who i deal it out to. ultimately i think it's yet another thing that boils down to being able to laugh at yourself.

as she hummed "somewhere over the rainbow" i had "no woman no cry" stuck in my head. it was really bizarre. we all live and move to the music that plays in our minds and i'm reminded once again that we're all listening to something different.

one of the main differences between men and women are the elements of pursuit. last night rach and i watched "stranger than fiction", those characters are totally different, and anna pascal would NEVER in a million years have picked harold crick to be her lover. but he liked her, he pursued her, and he won her. women can be worn down by a man so that she really stops and looks at him. it forces her to see in him things that are noble, admirable, and then ultimately desirable. i find this both romantic and alarming. i'm torn, because part of me believes there's nothing more romantic than being pursued, but i have trust issues and fear i could be worn down by inappropriate men. it's happened before. the funny thing is, it's really not that difficult to break past my barriers, but very few men bother trying.

we made promises we will keep.

everything's gonna be all right!

lawn mower

it's 2 am and i just got home from rach's place. we watched stranger than fiction, i love that movie, i pretty much glowed thru the whole thing. afterwards i stayed chatting for several hours. it was just us girls because jase is in montreal. i'm seriously so fortunate to have so many great friends who i connect with.

last night i had a dream that you were my DD. i liked it and was impressed by the way you took care of me.

this afternoon i took shanno for a walk into the wilderness. we climbed up a cliff where we sat at the top on it's rock surface for a long while talking. we were approached a snake, spiders, ladybugs, and saw some dragonflies doin' it. it was fun. i taught her how to eat sunflower seeds. upon returning to k-town we went to the goat – my first time in about 5 months (except for once in august). it was a beautiful day.

it's crazy awesome that i have so many friends in my vicinity. i can walk to almost everyone's house. that's GREAT! sometimes i take it for granted, but really... i live smack dab in the middle of community. i love it.

he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
the same cigarettes as me.

neXXXt

i can't do it.
and i'm not affective in forcing myself to do things i can't.
i'm not above quiting.
i'm a quiter i guess.

please never start your sentence when talking to me with a "i have something to tell you and i think you might hate me". it freaks me out!

i did nothing this evening that i'd planned on doing. i ended up spenting an half-hour watching "a part of our heritage" commercials on youtube (i came across one about j.a. bombardier, i felt it was inaccurate). had a late dinner with melissa. and watched some sex and the city. argh! i was asked to do a logo for next, that's what i SHOULD have been doing this evening. i'm so not disciplined. i'm such a baby, i just want it to be done and awesome without having to really put serious time into it. but that's partly because i'm a slow designer and it takes me a while. i'm easily distracted by the pile of crud on my desk.

my face is back to normal.

my house is freezing. the furnace hasn't clicked on yet and i have no thermostat.

don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by.

misadventure

bren invites me to join her family for dinner at least once a month. sometimes even more frequently. it's been interesting to see the change in her kids as they've gotten used to my presence there. especially with skye who's quite shy. they were uber comfortable with me this evening, climbing all over me. it was fun.

he once told me that it's very sexy that i drive a stick-shift. i like that. in fact, that alone makes it worth learning how to drive a manual car.

a sense of humour will take you a long long way. i can't be around people who take themselves too seriously. life is just too entertaining to be sullen all the time.

i wonder if awkward people know that they're awkward. i wonder how awkward i am on a scale of 1 to 10. i think confidence is a big factor. confidence repels awkwardness. at times i'm an exceedingly confident person. other times not so much.

i've become phobic of needy people. which is worrisome. i'm afraid of cling-ons who suffocate me. i'm hoping that i will love without fear, because needy people are a fact of life and i need to be able to sincerely give and care.

i heard it in her voice. she was nervous.

what you don't know you can feel somehow.

i like my friends :)

decade

this evening when i got home, i exited my car as a man approached me from the sidewalk. "um, miss?" he said "i can tell you the score from the game, it's over now". "oh, ok" i said. "kingston 4, belleville 3" he told me. "oh. that's great!" i replied. then we parted ways. i'd tried to be enthusiastic. there was no need for both of us to feel uncomfortable or awkward. i think he was happy with my response.

i've done the math. it doesn't add up. math doesn't lie.

sometimes a girl needs to spend some time downloading free fonts off the internet. or "typefaces" as they're called in designer lingo. it's safe to assume that delving deeper into the collection beyond typefaces starting with the letter 'd' would be wise.

people are united at work over the strangest of things. it's like we're stranded on a desert island and all the most basic items are essential to our survival. today's issue is that the vending machine isn't working. it ate 4 dollars of our hard earned cash. the natives are getting restless...

i like it when you know the meaning of my titles or my quotes.

hot as a hair dryer in your face

drāno

in order for me to have my book read in time for book club next thursday i'm going to have to read 47.5 pages each day. that might not sound like a lot to you uni students/grads, but it's a lot to me. especially when my days are taken up at work, and my evenings are filled with meetings, logo creation, dishes, dinner parties, and 'sex & the city'. ok, the 'sex and the city' part is optional, but i can't stop myself. thankfully i've run out of dvds, and i only allow myself to rent more on weekends. however, it's now almost 10:00 and i have not read my 47.5 pages for today. i've maybe read 30 :S

why is it that hair always looks best right before bed??

all day long my mouth felt as though i'd been eating nothing but kleenexs (clean ones). it was gross.

i saw that look on your face. it was subtle. i'm not certain what it means, but i have a hunch. it's not a bad thing, but just one of those things that are best left unsaid. so i'm not going to say anything, but know that i'm much more observant that you think.

what day is this? aw crap, just tuesday. i need more winter work clothes. i love my summer work clothes way better, i give me more variety. however, the thrifty part of me says "this is your last winter there, you won't need work winter clothes next year, just put up with what you have". but my cozy side says "you'll be much happier in your cubicle if you had comfortable and enjoyable clothes on". and really... i'm all for things that make my cube more bearable.

sometimes writing blog entries takes a long time because i stop and answer emails or look up random things online. it's now nearly quarter after 10 and i'm quickly losing reading time.

i bought zooropa on amazon for 1.99 this evening. 3.50 shipping + handling. not too shabby. i love that cd, it was given to me by my second boyfriend in 1996. my copy got lost somewhere between here and pine street. i'm totally digging the cheap finds on amazon.

freedom looks like too many choices.

ought

it's a good thing that little shanno gave me a yoga mat. i've decided to start taking my own after noticing that one of my classmates has a planters wart. it would be more considerate of them to wear socks or something. not like i want segregation between those with and those without, but it's just common courtesy. it's generally expected people to cover their mouth when they cough, so the same should go for their feet. this evening i took along my very own lavender mat for the first time this evening. i wrote "yelsel*" on it so that it wouldn't be mistaken as property of the YMCA. i used one of my bicycle straps to keep it rolled up (you know, a strap that keeps my pants from getting caught in the chain), but i think i should really knit my own case. i've seen so many awesome yoga mat cases, for a while i wanted to take up yoga just so i could have a carrying case. ooh, here's a nice one.

i really really really HATE that my parents are divorced. don't get me wrong, i love my family, and i think we manage really well. but the snowball affect of a failed marriage never ends. it pops up in the strangest ways and leads us down paths we don't belong in. there are things that get better and easier with time. but even after 20 years, when all the hurt is gone and healing has occurred, it's difficult, and complicated, and political, and infuriating. people are forced against their will to choose sides, or judge what the others deserve. it's demented. you what to know what i think is fair?? not putting me thru this, THAT'S what's FAIR!

i kind of like that the forecast is calling for rain for the next 4 days. rain is beautiful. it's like a performance art piece.

i know your garden is full,
but is there sweetness at all?

monkees

i dunno if i'm getting old or if my bed is just a piece of crap, but it's wrecking my back. it's killing me, and my neck is stiff. this happened to me when i used to have a futon a number of years ago, and i eventually had switch beds and that improved things dramatically. joy told me to flip my mattress. i find that kind of thing difficult, i'm not very strong, and the mattress has a quite few pounds on me. but it's tasks like that that are empowering, because it's the kind of thing i'd happily let a man do, so it's good to see that i can do it by myself.

yesterday i went on a crazy long walk around town.
first i walked up to the new library (where i picked up 'the business of being born' for chelsea – it was just staring me in the face and usually it has an 8 month waiting list, so i snagged it for the very pregnant mrs stelmach).
then i walked downtown, where i coincidentally bumped into the fore-mentioned chelsea.
i purchases one apple at the market (best apple i've had all season so far).
got honked at by my colleague francisco as he drove past in his lexus.
went to classic and rented season 5 and the first disc of season 6 of sex and the city.
popped into card's bakery and bought not one, but TWO cupcakes
i was pretty pooped when i got home. i was literary sweating and a pinkish hue. it was good though. i felt the cupcakes were well deserved. it was fun, and i feel pleased with myself.

later that evening i babysat my niece and nephews. i don't believe i've mentioned this in writing before, but the cat is out of the bag, so i can finally "announce" that my sister is pregnant yet again :D this is exciting, and i'm hoping for another niece to balance it out to "nieces and nephews". she's due march 23. anyways, i had a great time with the kids, but i'd be lying if i said it was easy. it's frickin' HARD juggling 3 kids. yikes! i'm really starting to understand when people think i live in a dream, which is good (that i 'get' it). i want to fully appreciate my independent life while i have it so that i don't look back with envy in a handful of years. it's tough because every stage has it's blessings and frustrations, but you know what? sometimes a person just has to grab the good stuff, and let the bad slip thru her fingers. and on occasion it's good to spend a couple hours in another person's shoes to fully grasp their perspective.

yet another post-secret that COULD have been done by me, but wasn't.

i'd go the whole wide world.

consistently inconsistent.

predictably unpredictable.

portmanteau

i have my dad over for dinner on the last friday of each month. he often brings a book and we sit reading or chatting on the front balcony, or he watches the football game and tells me all about the players. he just likes my company, i like having him around too. he's pretty easy to entertain. this evening i showed him a new work website, which lead to us looking one thing, then another up on wikipedia. we probably spent at least an hour doing that, then we spent another while watching videos on youtube. i found it funny that my dad also had the same love of wikipedia and genernal knowledge/useless facts that i have. it's clear where i get that from.

i especially appreciated his company this evening after spending an intensely lonely day at work. well, lonely might not be the right word, but definitely "alone" is accurate. i've felt disconnected from people for days. everyone seems really busy and i have no means of connecting with people. i understand and appreciate everyone elses busy lives, i've just felt at loose-ends and isolated with little i could do to change it. even after work my dad was a hour and a half later arriving than i was expecting and i had no idea how to get a hold of him. it's just a weird feeling.

i do stupid things when i'm lonely or lacking connection. if i'd been able to think of a stupid thing to do, and was somehow able to justify it, i'm sure i would've done it. i seriously tried to come up with something, but found nothing i could justify or particularly wanted to do.

i banged my forehead on the corner of my new bedside table as i slept a couple nights ago. it didn't leave a mark though. i bruise very easily – like a peach – except on my face. it has to be a serious collision before my face goes discoloured.

i'm obsessed with reeses peanut butter cups this week.

it's so cold out. it reminded me of peru when i got up this morning.

i've been hitting my snooze button for an hour each morning for the last few weeks. i've gotten really good at getting ready for work very quickly.

the changing of the guard will take place on january 1st.

my back is sore.

i'm sick of the middle of the alphabet.

i'm just downloading the contents of my brain. that's what happens when i don't have people to talk to. i figured i might as well utilize this blog fully. although, i've had it up to HERE with me, i really want to listen. frig, if anyone wants to write to me about their day i'd really love it. i have this outlet to ramble on, but it doesn't talk back to me.

i've got two tickets to iron maiden baby,
come with me friday – don't say maybe.

spearmint gum

i've been randomly selected as a jury candidate. this happened twice when i was underage, and once when i'd just turned 18, that time i was actually summed. i was supposed to go to the 2nd day of a 2 day jury selection process, but by the end of the first day they had a dozen people so i was off the hook. that time i was quite worried because i'd just started college and couldn't be missing classes. this time i'd be quite interested in serving my civic duty, especially because my work gives leave-with-pay to jurors. the strange thing is that the letter was sent to my mom's house. i haven't lived there in 7 years, and have used my current address on my taxes, driver's licence, health card, etc. i have no idea why it went there, but if i had not responded in 5 days i would've gotten a fine or worse. i filled in all my answers and popped it in the mail. not sure how long it will take, but i'm very curious about the whole experience. i feel like it's a right of passage or a milestone, something everyone does eventually.

he was perfect except for the fact that he wasn't into me.

vineyard

i am the second runner in the relay race.

i wish i could tell her "read between the lines.... I DON'T CARE!". and the extra kicker is that she can't make me care. you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. i kind of like that other people's power is limited to the external, no one can make anyone feel/think anything they don't want to do.

so it seems that i'm not a bad cook, i'm every pretty good at improvising when necessary. where i fall short at is i'm not particularly creative, or perhaps resourceful. i could never voluntarily sit and look thru a recipe book and decide "i'm going to make this" purely for fun. so i got to thinking... perhaps i can ask my friends who are "foodies" to give me some of their favourite recipes. i realize that's kind of lazy of me, but if these foodies are anything like book lovers they would be more than happy to pass along beloved recipes. maybe it's just something people learn – picking a recipe out of a pile. i used to be terrible at picking books if i had to go it alone without anyone to advise me, and now i'm great at picking out books (at least decent). however, a lot of the books i read are novels that i've seen someplace, or heard of somewhere. sometimes i simply become curious about a book because i see it for sale at every book store i enter. frig, so many good books, so little time. i'm sure the same is true about recipes.

i'm totally wired. i had a coke at lunch along with the united way bbq, and i'm STILL all revved up.

it's funny. i spent roughly 24 hours feeling directionless, but suddenly got a flash of inspiration as i left my cube, and since then feel back on track. i'll remind myself of that next time i endure a day in the dark. i'm usually pretty good at coming up with makeshift plans.

i was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
riding topless, yeah, i never cared who saw.
my neighbor come outside to say, "get your shirt,"
i said "no way, it's the last time i'm not breaking any law."

cul-de-sac

i walk up the stairs in the dark.

it feels like the ground beneath me is crumbling. it's not bad, or even scary, it's just unstable and i find myself looking around trying to figure out what's going on. as i strain to get my footing i wonder how long the crumbling will last for and if i should just find a different place to stand. the problem is that i liked that spot, i would've preferred to just keep standing there. suddenly it seems like i'm being evicted from that path and need to go elsewhere. i'm not afraid, or even frustrated, maybe i'm just numb or simply not surprised. i'll find my way eventually, even if i'm blindfolded. i do after all... walk up the stairs in the dark.

i think one of us has me mislabeled.

she sings the songs;
the words she knows,
the tune she hums.

console

i don't know if it's a coincidence or not, but my mouth has been rather itchy and and my throat kind of swollen since i ate some sour cream that was past it's best. it didn't concern me until i found a chunk of what i assume was green mold. after that it just didn't taste as enjoyable. i may or may not be having an allergic reaction to it. but my allergies have been acting up lately, which is uncharacteristic because usually the fall is an allergy-free time of year for me.

this evening i did my work-out extravaganza at the YMCA again. 1 hour of pilates, a half hour of treadmill, 75 minutes of yoga. i felt more tired this week than last. and as i began to fade during downward dog, i reminded myself "you've walked the inca trail! you can hold this position for just 30 more seconds!" it's not that doing the inca trail means i'm an iron woman, because it was hard walking for 4 days, but it's good to remember that i've endured harder things.

it was a beautiful evening as i walked down wright crescent to my car. there will probably be very few nights like this left.

i think i'll get into my bed now. i like scenes in movies when people get into bed and turn off the light. it makes it all seems so simple and complete. i can't help but wonder if i was a character in a movie, i would find the scenes in my own life as enchanting? last night i was so happy getting into bed that that i giggled and sighed under my many blankets, enjoying the coziness of my sanctuary.

in the dark i like to read his mind.

apples

sex and the city is a very clever show. it's insightful and candid, which makes it refreshing. this evening, the show ended with a fantastic line "sometimes when we get what we need, we don't need it anymore". so true. often people just need a little space, and when they get it, they don't feel like they need it anymore. sometimes we fight for freedom in our lives, but once we attain it, we don't require it as much. sometimes we feel a need to find out who we are, and once we've done that, we don't feel that urgency. i don't think it's just a question of wanting what we can't have, it's probably much more about getting our needs met. it makes so much sense now. it's as simple as needing an oven, we need an oven until we get one, then we simply have one, and use it, it's integrated into our lives. technically we still NEED it, but we aren't IN need, we don't long for it, or feel that need in a palpable way. i suspect that my need for travel will diminish once i get to travel freely (without restrictions or the obligation to return to work).

i heard another great line on sex and the city the other day... "i've been rejected by someone i wasn't interested in. i HATE it when that happens". perfect. i've SO felt like that.

i always perceived it as judgment. i finally understand that it's not.

after seven days
he was quite tired so God said:
"let there be a day
just for picnics, with wine and bread"

f-words

i hosted a dinner party this evening. just a little one. i had andrew, shannon, and brendan over for supper. a+s are vegetarians so i needed to come up with something suitable. rach gave me 3 different recipes, and i ended up making black bean chili with avocado salsa. it turned out really good. i'm really excited because i'd never made chili before, and it was very tasty. the fact that i had andrew's stamp of approval meant a lot because he's a real pro with chili making.

earlier this week i made a home-made twister board. i figured it was just plastic and circles, how hard would it be! i had intended that we'd play it at my dinner party. i haven't played twister since i was 14! but unfortunately, the kind of paint i used didn't work so well, in fact, it's flaked off all over the floor. i think i'll try again at some point, because it looked really good until it didn't.

have you ever tried googling something and the search options the server suggests are totally bizarre? when i tried looking up "how to play twister", i got all sorts of bizarre suggestions. such as... how to tie a tie, how to make your hair grow faster, how to get pregnant, how to make a resume, how to make a paper airplane, how to make out. i particularly found the make out one funny, so i clicked on it to see what they had to say.

the build up lasted for days,
lasted for weeks,
lasted too long.

mimics

i know by the way he comes and reports to me every day that he's worried, or at least that it's weighing on his mind. his wife had an 8 hour operation on tuesday, nothing life-threatening, but serious surgery nonetheless. i've never doubted he loved her, but seeing his concern and dedication to her over the past few days has given me a glimpse of the depths of their connection. i'm seeing his need for her, that she is his other half. it's beautiful. they've been married for over 35 years. they got engaged after dating only 3 months. he always tells me "when you know you just know". i asked him if he'll be ok on his own while she's in the hospital, unsure if he's used to being alone and if he'd feel at loose ends. he said he was fine, but i know that he misses her because he drives a half-hour there and back twice every day just to see her. she's the sweetest lady. he is the kindest man.

hatching from the seed of your thin mind.

soapbox

sometimes i find something comes out of my mouth and i discover that it's true. actually, it usually comes out of my pen, that's why i love writing so much, because i learn my own contents. today i discovered that i'm not very tenacious. when i said it i knew it was true immediately, and kind of wondered why i didn't realize that before. i quit things when they get hard, i give up when things aren't going smoothly. i hate opposition, i hate obstacles. i think that's why i celebrate so much when i accomplish difficult things, because it's not easy for me to stick something thru to it's completion. i've been told many times by my family that i'm a good starter and not a great finisher. i lose interest after a period of time and move on. that's not a quality i appreciate in other people, and therefore want to change it about myself. it's a challenge to recognize one's own instincts and push past them. it will be hard trying to endure the agony of something in order to get to the other side. i hope it will get easier, and when i find myself lamenting, complaining, and struggling, that i will remind myself to hang in there, and that my perseverance will pay off.

i was thinking today about how life is easier for some people than it is for others. and i realized something. it's not really a question of circumstances, but really a question of perspective. two people could endure the same hurdle in life, and while one will handle it stoically, the other will handle it emotionally. it's not that one wants the outcome more than the other person, it's just they display it or cope with it differently. it was very enlightening for me to realize this, it's helped change my perspective of social dynamics.

sometimes i really like grocery shopping. i think it might be my favourite chore.

i was unpleasantly sobered by the reality that she might be right. at least unless i'm very conscious to change by behaviour i might be overcome. i want to be changed. i hope it will be possible. i want to break the cycle.

i, for the first time, found a flaw in the socialist philosophy. not everyone's needs are the same, so they cannot be treated all the same. she fought for me. she fought not so that i'd have the same advantages of everyone else, but that no one else would have an advantage that i couldn't have. but i wanted to tell her, you're fighting for no reason. i don't need (blank). i'm unaffected by that. my needs are not the same as theirs. it's unfair to hinder those people just because the same solution couldn't be offered to me. everyone is different. we are not the same.

you know they love ya,
but not because they hold ya.

[none]

i find it hard. it's tiring.
i don't know why i bother.

i can't think of anything positive to say,
so i'm just not going to say anything at all.

natural

man, i could really go for a cup cake right now. i love cup cakes.

mondays is my YMCA nights. at 6 i had pilates til 6:50, then i hopped on a treadmill for a half hour, then at 7:30 i had yoga class til 8:45. it makes for a long evening, but i enjoy both classes so i don't want to have to pick one. besides, it means i get 3 different activities done all in one night and therefore not really interfering with my social life. i think i'll be sore tomorrow. actually, i was already sore today from my long bike ride out to michaels yesterday.

so emma and i had a bit of a mix-up this morning when i went to pick her up. she was standing at the wrong street corner, but we eventually found each other, so it was a-ok. she's nice.

the fair has arrived in ktown. it's all set up across the street from my house. i find fairs, carnival and the like... very odd. they (a little bit) give me the willies.

i believe her when she tells me things. not because she's older. not because she's hopeful. not because she can make promises come true. but because she's seen life, and she knows what it has in store. not just what's possible, but what's plausible. she tells me good is bound to happen. and i believe her.

mend me to your side,
and never let go.

superstitious

this afternoon i biked out to michaels to buy some yarn for a new knitting project. i've decided to make a pair of felted mitts. i'm quite pleased with my colour choices, but i think i'm going to have to rip it out because i haven't put the correct number of stitches in. oh well. it's ok, i haven't done very much so far.

my colleague, emma, arrived today from the UK. she's staying at the sheridan, i have to pick her up on the way to work tomorrow. we've never met even though we've been working together for 6 years. i keep forgetting that we've never actually met, because i've seen her picture and i know her voice. she keeps saying she's looking forward to meeting me, so maybe she's never seen my picture and doesn't have the face-to-name advantage that i have. when the knickers retires emma is next in line for the throne. she could be my boss as early as next spring. i guess if that happens, i'd start calling her egallow on pspd. haha. anyways, i don't really see her keeping my position seeing as we're an ocean apart, so i'm going to keep it a secret that i hope to leave the company so that they'll give me a severance package. here's hoping!

beck sent me this postcard that she read on post-secret. it was a good reminder.


something's be trying to hold me down,
and leave me no hope on the battleground.

barefeet

i've had a fantastic day. i did very little and thoroughly enjoyed my own company. there were a couple things i could've done, but i was enjoying myself at home so much that i didn't want to force myself to do anything i didn't want. i was thinking, what is the difference between today and other saturdays that i spend alone and hate? and i concluded the difference is that today there was absolutely nothing that i'd rather be doing than just hanging out at home on my own. on those other days i'm restless and dissatisfied. dissatisfaction can really ruin someone's day/life.

today's just been so relaxing. i listened to GO on the cbc (and was very pleasantly surprised to discover that it's starting a half-hour later this season, which means i can sleep later without fear of missing it). then i baked a zucchini loaf for the first time ever. i watched "sex and the city" episodes, organized my tupperware cupboard, and cleaned out my spice cupboard, watched more "sex and the city", biked downtown and ate a saigon delights, then watched more "sex and the city". i really could have done something more productive, but like i said, i'm not in the mood to do anything i didn't feel like doing. it was a day of indulgence, a mental health day.

as i biked thru queen's campus on my way to saigon delights i spotted a guy who looked an awful lot like a boy i once knew. i took a double take. the funny thing about that was that i realized that even after all these years, i haven't learned a single thing. after all my experiences that i thought had made me older and wiser i am in fact just as foolish as i was at 25. and if that boy (and i say boy, because he was so very boyish back then) were to waltz into my life, i'd do it all over again. sad really. i've gotten some kind of false security from all the lessons i've learned, only to realize i'm no further ahead.

this evening, in between episodes of "sex and the city" i stood in my dimly lit kitchen making a cup of tea. my house was quiet, i was comfy, and suddenly got a glimpse of my life from the outside and it felt good. i felt adorable.

have you ever noticed that some people seem to grow more into themselves as they get older? i mean, i've had some friends in the past who just seemed older than their age – mostly in appearance. and now when i see them on facebook and such, they're looking as though they're approaching their true age. it really intrigues me.

where were you while we were getting high?

sidewalk

i did nothing that i had planned to do this evening. well, except i did go to the butlers to picked up my bicycle, other than that i napped and watched sex and the city. i had hoped to start my the book club novel and bake a zucchini loaf. oh well, sometimes we have to throw agendas to the wind and just embrace the freedom we have to slack-off. i have no regrets, besides, i have all tomorrow, and the next day. if you saw a clumsy girl biking on ordinance street while trying to hold a 2-litre bottle of cream soda, it was me. i think that stunt pulled a muscle in my back. not so smart.

have you seen the alpha course banners on street corners and church lawns around town? i find them very odd and slightly irritating. i say this respectfully, because i have done the alpha course before, and i think their heart is in the right place. but what annoys be about them is the image they chose. it's a person, standing on the top of a mountain with a caption saying "is there more to life than this?" see here. i find it completely counter-productive, because i can tell you... every time i've climbed mountains i've been left with a "holy crap, this is incredible" feeling, not a "meh, is this it? man, i wonder what the point of life is". what they really should do is have a picture of a person in a messy cubicle at their computer, or a person with a crying baby with baby puke on their shirt, or a person with a sick loved one, or a person with a pink slip with the repo-man knocking at the door. it's THOSE moments that leave people thinking/feeling "is there more to life than this?" personally, i think the only thing those alpha posters do is affirm the general public's belief that church is not applicable to their lives. actually, i almost find those poster offensive.

i wonder when life got so complicated, and when i say complicated i mean structured. when did weddings become massive events that cost a ton of cash and require fancy photographers. my parents had a couple dozen photos taken at the church, and their main wedding photo was of them in the car being chauffeured away. my mom made her own dress, and my dad wore a brown suit that he probably already had. i'm not saying all weddings should be like that, but i feel like it should be ok if they are – not just the exception. it can't just be capitalism. i think the part of people that makes them what to throw big weddings is the exact same part of other people who want to build the world's tallest building, or break world records at competitions. i kind of just want to scream "count me out! i don't want to play your game, or participate in your big production!" i hate doing things out of obligation. sometimes i wish it was kosher to simply say "you know... i actually don't consider you a close friend, so i'm going to pass on attending your function". but that would be impolite. *sigh* life is complicated.

i danced in circles as the song played on repeat. those are the moments when i secretly hope someone will see me thru my open window. and that they'll smile and catch the sense of it all like a contagious cold.

your hope's in the sky,
but you heart like grape gum on the ground.

tedious

this evening i had my very first book club meeting. it was fun. oddly enough, it was really more of a stitchn'bitch gathering, but i was without a knitting project so i just held sarah's yarn for her. it was mostly a meeting to distribute the books and to get organized. i think this book club is going to be super.

i'm thrilled, my $0.01 book of jewel poetry arrived in the mail today. i am super excited about it. i sat down and began reading asap when i got home. i loved it immediately. seeing as i'm a BIT of a novice to poetry (but not new to the world of lyrics), jewel is a poet i can really relate to. i think i'll gobble this book up quite quickly and read it several times over again. here's one of her pieces:

saved from myself
how often i have cried out
in silent tongue
to be saved
from myself

in the middle of the night
too afraid
to move

horrified the answer
may be beyond the
capability of my
own two hands

so small
(no one should feel this alone)

brace yourself. i can see jewel appearing frequently on pspd for the next little while. with the addition of the jewel poetry book, and the book club book, that brings my total of books on the go to 5. i have never in my life had even 2 books on the go before, much less 5. it hurts my brain a little i just want to get one finished. i think i'm going to need more bookmarks...

it's amazing what subtleties can reveal. in those brief seconds i think i may have freed myself, simply by being me.

rachel g and michelle have reminded me of the dangers of bicycling without a helmet. i don't think i'll ever do it again, even if my hair is too big to fit, i will find a way. i have to admit, i scared myself, and their reaction just confirmed my poor judgement.

i got a plastic jesus,
a cordless telephone
for every corner of my room.

twister

shanno came over this evening. well actually.... first i went to the house famous for dinner. shannon and i had plans to go the grass creek park, but it started to get dark, so we decided to come to my house and watch sex and the city. i left my car there and we took a long walk thru the ghetto back to the maxi pad. we passed hordes of engineering students dyed purple with mohawks. they frightened us even though we know they're harmless. i think it was just the sheer volume of them that made us uncomfortable, we passed at least 100, probably more. the funny thing about it to me is that they're just 18 year old kids, i'm 10 years older than them and yet i was intimidated by them. the thing that annoyed me about them is that they don't have the common courtesy to clear the slidewalk and give the right of way to a pair of young women. i like how taking shanno around the block results in her being disoriented, it's fun. it means she's very easy to entertain.

-----------------------------------------------------

sometimes i don't get it, sometimes i do.
sometimes i know it, sometimes i don't.
sometimes i see it in full, sometimes i see it in part.
sometimes i love it, sometimes i don't.
sometimes i go, sometimes i stay.
sometimes it hurts, sometimes it soothes.
sometimes i regret, sometimes i embrace.
sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard.
sometimes it frustrates, sometimes it delights.
sometimes i laugh, sometimes i can't.
sometimes i fight, sometimes i quit.
sometimes i lose stuff, sometimes i find stuff.
sometimes i'm articulate, sometimes i choke.
sometimes i remember, sometimes i forget.
sometimes i hear, sometimes i don't listen.

-----------------------------------------------------

i re-met a gentleman this evening who said he remembered me because of the scar on my face. interesting. either no one else notices it, or everyone else politely ignores it. i like my scar, so there's no need to ignore it. i wonder how noticeable it is to people, i'm so used to it that i don't even notice it. it's just part of my face.

i kind of love that even after all these years, you occasionally do something that reveals that you still don't quite understand me. even though it's annoying, it's also reassuring that i'm more complex than that.

you breathe that way,
because you want me to stay up,

paid parking ticket

this morning i had a dentist appointment, which meant i got to sleep in a little tiny bit (til 7:30). the interesting thing about that, is that i woke up at 7:28 before the alarm went off, feeling very well rested. i actually stayed up a little later last night, so i really only got the same amount of sleep as usual, but felt more well rested because of the time i got up at. i've made this observation for many years, it has led me to believe that i live in the wrong time-zone.

there's a crazy dance party going on across the street from the maxi pad this evening. it's seriously a "much music dance party". there are several large air castles in the parking lot. it's part of frosh week, since the students are too young to go out to the bars. i remember this from last year too. it's really bizarre because they bus the students in from the ghetto – that's right, the ghetto that is approximately 2 blocks south of here – 5 if they're REALLY far away.

i remember that time i danced so hard i ripped my pants.

i FINALLY finished the wrist warmers i was knitting for bren. they took forever. i think i lose interest in a project if i've knitted it before. i guess i'll just have to always knit unique things, stuff that new, fresh, and happening. there were times when i felt that perhaps that would be the project to end my knitting career. but i overcame. now i have to think of something else. i wanted to knit these knuckle mitts for a certain boy, but he didn't like me back, so i've scrapped that idea. it's his loss because i think he would've really liked them. look who's laughing now!?!?! :p i would knit some leg warmers but i bought some in peru (which, now that i think of it, i've misplaced somewhere). maybe i'll knit a toque, i've never knitted a toque before. or maybe mitts.

i currently have a few zits on my face. shouldn't i be past that by now? it's like i'm perpetually going thru puberty.

count the lipstick stains,
that you get on all my cups.

perfume

there are times – days, hours, moments – when i don't like myself very much. i've kind of had one of those evenings. no particular reason, just everything thing about me is getting on my nerves. i feel the sting of my own dislike, it lingers like a slap across the face. it makes me listless.

i had a good afternoon. i met bren, rowan, and skye at skeleton park, where i had a free hot dog and dr pepper. or as ro likes to call it a "dr pepsi". after that i sat on bren's kitchen floor for a couple of hours chatting. it was relaxing, a quiet summer afternoon. i think i've sat on the floor more at bren's place than anywhere else. i dragged my heels as i left, in fact, i think 45 minutes passed from the time i first said "i should go" to the time i actually exited her backyard. just in a funny mood i guess. when i arrived home i continued to feel a little indecisive, i wanted to be outside, but also wanted to watch more episodes of sex and the city (have i mentioned that i'm renting the whole series start to finish? i'm currently on season 2). inspired by rach, i moved my entire computer out onto my balcony and had the best of both worlds.

there was a line in a sex and the city episode that went like "people don't hate single women, they just want to figure them out". i think that's true. probably a lot of (what i perceive to be) animosity that i feel from the people i meet and know is actually just their desire to figure me out. peg me someplace. sometimes i wish i could figure me out too.

then labour day came and went.

adolescent

melissa and i went to see julie & julia this evening with some of her friends. i knew next to nothing about what was about, and thought it was kind of neat that it was about a blogger. it was the first time i've ever heard the word 'blog' used in a movie, much less be the a major element in a film. it was interesting, in some ways it made me want to give up blogging. it's a strange activity, you write a log, an online diary and people read it. it can get people into trouble or bring people together. it can be narcissistic, it can be a soap box. there's a lot of people, like julie powell, who get hundreds of comments on one specific entry, i find that so bizarre! when i get one entry from a complete stranger it makes me feel uncomfortable, and if it's anonymous i generally delete it. i don't think i could read a blog of someone i don't know, but i guess that springs from what i view blogs to be, or specifically how i view my blog. i worry some times that it's all "me me me" or "i i i", i cringe if i have multiple paragraphs that start with the word "i" in one entry. but sometimes i remind myself that this is my outlet, it's where i talk about the contents of my brain. it's sometimes where i process stuff, and share what's going on in my head. it's not a two way conversation, so i forgive myself for my talking about my thoughts and feelings or opinions and activities.

she wept in the kitchen. this little girl with big tears. my heart broke when i saw her, because i've cried those tears, quite recently actually. it blew my mind that such a little girl would cry over such an adult problem. or perhaps i'm an adult who cries over childish misunderstandings.

i wonder why it's so much easier having faith in someone else's life. to believe that a friend's life is going to work out perfectly and everything is going to be ok. but then when it's our own lives we have no confidence at all. it's strange. maybe we're just lazy with others, or aren't afraid, or maybe we're just more reasonable and sensible about other peoples lives.

the best part about days off is the night before – knowing i don't have to go to work the next day. fantastic.

can i handle the seasons of my life?

duplicated

to commemorate paying off my osap debt i decided to purchase one of shari doseger's paintings. i wanted to buy something that when i see it i will remember this experience. it's also nice to have something at the end, instead of just fizzling out. i love it. it's a dragon fly. i would post a picture of it, but it's more fun if you see it when you're at the maxi pad.

mayelin and i went to see all about steve tonight. it was really hilarious, we laughed out loud all the way thru. mayelin has a great laugh, which is fun. bradley cooper had never made an impression on me before, but he did indeed tonight. he is dangerously cute. i knew a guy like him in real life once, he was cute and it was dangerous. yikes, and yet.... *sigh*. i love that being single allows me to have ridiculous crushes on movie stars and it's not inappropriate. anyways, i really liked the movie. it was a 'dating comedy' not a 'romantic comedy', which just made it all the better. i think there should be more 'dating comedies'.

i was listening to jewel today at work. she has such a poetic way about her. so i went online when i got home, and bought her poetry book "a night without armor" on amazon for $0.01. score.

fasten me to your side.

begin

today i am debt free.

upon graduating from college, i left with a graphic design diploma and a $15,000 loan to be repaid over the next 11 years. it has been a tremendous burden to me, i have laid in bed countless hours at night trying to figure out how to wriggle myself free from this bondage. osap is like a romantic relationship that goes sour. when you're first introduced it's awesome, it's like love at first sight, but then you break-up and it haunts you, torments you, and gives you constant grief. this ridiculous debt has hindered me and frustrated me. i have been limited in my life options and have been close to tears at the slavery it has put me thru. a number of years ago i came up with a plan that involved me making my last payment (early) the night before my 30th birthday, but it occured to me the other day that i may be in the financial position (and my debt reduced enough) at this point that i could pay it off now. why wait 4 months when i can be debt free today! there's no time like the present. so i made a few calls, and discovered it was possible. when that reality hit my ears i was stunned. i felt like the wind was knocked out of me, and had some difficulty breathing for the next few hours. this was what i have worked for, longed for, dreamt of for the last 8 years, and now i am finally free. i'm completely amazed. there were times when i felt this day would never come, that i would be trapped forever. but now it's done, and i will live the rest of my life free from my osap debt. this is a HUGE accomplishment for me. my heart feels like bursting, i feel like flying, it's amazing. i'm so thankful.

tomorrow i begin a new day. my money is mine to do with what i want. i'm no longer controlled by the obligations of my past. i am a new person. i work because i want to, not because i have to. i have a choice, i have choices. i have served 8 years of an 11 year sentence, and now i'm free.

free at last,
free at last,
thank God almighty, i'm free at last.

i've come to the conclusion that good song lyrics are usually solid stand alone poems. crappy lyrics could never pass as poetry. a good song, like a good poem or quote of any kind, will make me wish that i'd written it – that's when i know it's good. case in point... 'why' by annie lennox. beautiful lyrics, i wish i could tattoo them on my face:

this is the book i never read
these are the words i never said
this is the path i'll never tread
these are the dreams i'll dream instead
this is the joy that's seldom spread
these are the tears...
the tears we shed
this is the fear
this is the dread
these are the contents of my head
and these are the years that we have spent
and this is what they represent

i'd love to really get into reading poetry. but i can't seem to find the time. when i do have time to read it's usually taken up with a novel of some kind. that being said, i've come to the conclusion that poetry, like a nice bath, is best when shared with someone else (not that i have, but it just feels like baths and poems would be more enjoyable with company).

we sat on the floor, in a circle, and talked. the carpet was dirty, the candor was delightful.

i'm considering changing my name to "lesley mcknitro". what do you think? haha, just kidding.... ;)

lives are found and love's are lost.

top

bren triggered a memory this afternoon of my first day of grade 2. we'd arrived that morning and found our names on the list posted on the glass doors that told us which class we were in. i quickly discovered that i was not in the same class as my best friend heather. she was a quiet, tiny little girl and immediately looked to me for assurance and some kind of guidance. i remember being quite distraught with separation anxiety myself but i didn't show it. i felt a need to pull myself together so i could support and comfort her. my response was exactly the same way i often react to things as an adult. i'm completely the same person. when i was reading the fifth business recently i read a portion that talks about this, the notion that we are exactly the same our entire lives. check this out... "i have never thought that traits that are strong in childhood disappear; they may go underground or they may be transmuted into something else, but they do not vanish; very often they make a vigorous appearance after the meridian of life has been passed. it is this, not senility, that is the real second childhood. i could see this pattern in myself; my boyhood trick of getting of 'good ones' that went far beyond any necessary self-defence and were likely to wound, had come back to me in my fifties. i was going to be a sharp-tongued old man as i had been a sharp-tongued boy". very interesting. and beautifully written i might add. it's amazing to think about. it really is true... where ever i go, i'm still there.

i need a cola now.