mailman

thing have been on the busy side at work lately, so i haven't had the chance to write as often.

this morning i had a dentist appointment. i had to have 2 fillings :S it turns out that they were just two leaky fillings from before and no new ones, so that's good. i didn't take care of my teeth enough as a young lady. i was under the impression when i had my original 8 fillings a couple years ago that once you have a filling you can't have a cavity in that tooth again. but i was wrong. i'd like to really take care of my teeth well from now on.

do you ever listen to cfrc?? well, my new brother-in-law ben has a new show on monday afternoons (2:30). it's pretty good and his commentary is extremely funny. i listened to it online while at work on monday. i would giggle in my cubicle.

i want to learn to listen better. better in general not specifically. when i'm talking with people i have lots of questions or interject with comments and affirmation. but i'm starting to realize if i just kept my mouth shut then they're likely to say all sorts of interesting things. things i wouldn't get out of them by asking. see... the problem with asking is that it can sometimes lead the conversation in alternate directions. i'm suddenly intrigued by what is said when i wait and listen.

i finished the girl who played with fire on monday evening. i had planned to do a ton of different things around the pad, but ended up just reading. reading and baking smores. it was such a great book. it's funny that even though i knew how it ended (because i saw the movie) it was STILL a page turner. i really want to go out and buy the final book of the series, but i've decided to read a book that devona suggested - we're seeing her again in september for our final session and i think it would be wise to take the counselor's advise and read the book she suggested. it's called "highly sensitive people" - as it turns out both b and i are HSP types. the term highly sensitive people seems to be a misnomer. it implies that they're sensitive to getting their feelings hurt, but it's actually referring to people being highly sensitive to the environment around them then becoming affected by it. the author regularly talks about HSP's being over-aroused. it's probably more actuate to call the book "highly aroused people", but that just sounds rude. although, saying highly sensory or highly simulated people would work just as well. as much as being addictive to reading is kind of debilitating (because nothing else gets done), it's also really wonderful. i was on a roll and i hope it doesn't slow to a stop because i'm reading non-fiction (which is not the type of book i'm drawn to).

i need the darkness, someone please cut the lights.

aka

while at the music festival i accidentally made up a fancy band name for me and brendan. if we were a music group, we'd be called "the lorimer bedroom project". so that's who we'll be, even though we're not a performing song and dance duo.

jones

wolfe island music festival was great as usual.

the weather was great, the music was good, and the company shared was phenomenal. it's very possible that the music is really just an excuse to sit outdoors all day on an island with friends. i liked that at one point the blanket was covered by such a wide variety of friends, all gathered together in the sun. my mom always says that i'm not good at mixing friends, but i really enjoyed myself on saturday! maybe i'm beginning to get better at it (it's hard to juggle so many people and help them feel included).

i got a gross sunburn that is giving me a great deal of discomfort. thankfully, it's no where near as bad as shannon's sunburn from last weekend that left her bedridden for 2 days.

you'll never believe it, but i ripped my pants twice!

the funniest part of the day was during the last act. we were standing watching and listening to the weakerthans when 2 couples came and stood right in front of us blocking our view. i hate it when people are inconsiderate of other behind them. tall people should be smart enough to check if their blocking shorter people. anyways, we were able to see around them ok, but they were all over each other! rubbing and kissing, swaying and grinding. one of the couples inparticular began to really get hot and heavy. it was pretty embarrassing. i was quite puzzled because it was pretty dark out, they could easily find a hidden place slightly out of the way to get it on, but instead they stood among a crowd. no doubt they were drunk or impaired in some way, but still! we all continued to try to ignore them until they were suddenly on the ground in front of us! him on top and her legs wide open! at that point we moved slightly to the right to disassociate with them. i was certain clothes were going to start coming off. thankfully they got up again after a view minutes, but carried on making out without missing a beat. it was highly amusing.

it was brendan's first wolfe island festival. it was nice having him there eventhough i gave him a hard time about it beforehand. i'd tried to convince him not to come because it was always something i'd done with my girl-friends before and didn't really intend for that to change. but shannon wanted him to come and it was an opportunity for him to get to know beckie better. in the end it worked out quite well since his friends unexpectedly showed up and sat with us too - three friends from highschool were accidentally right behind us, and one of his bandmates & wife arrived and sat with us. it gave us the change to be together but still with our respective friends. it was fun having him there, i especially enjoyed when my favourite acorn song came on. i immediately perked up with excitement, when i looked his way he already had a huge smile on his face because he knows how much i love dents. i love being known by him.

beckie crashed at our place that night. we got an inflatable bed as a wedding gift specifically for when we have guests. it worked out GREAT! it turns out to be a queen size, which means it's bigger than our bed. we plugged it into the wall and turned the knob on the auto-inflate and very quickly we had a full-size bed (the height of 3 mattresses) with a pillow-top to boot! it was awesome. when we deflated it yesterday honey was on top of it, she sat there very confused as the mattress began to sink more and more around her. it was very funny. b and i like to tease our cats a great deal.

so there's yet another wolfe island music festival come and gone. it was great as usual.

if i could have back all the time that we wasted,
i'd only wasted it again.

arcade

i think i've finally realized why i hate feeling controlled so much.

it makes me feel small.

not even belittled, specifically it makes me feel small. the other person becomes big and overwhelming then i slowly lose my nerve to speak up. what's the point? they can't hear my anyways.

i hate feeling suddenly out of the driver's seat on something that was my own initative. i know that no one (or at least next to no one) is intentionally controlling, often people are just so enthusiastic that they get carried away. when that happens i usually conceed because i can't think of any logical reason why their way is not also a valid approach. so i go along with them, then end up feeling like a fifth wheel in my own enterprise. maybe it's a question of boundaries. maybe my expectations of boundaries are here, but the other participant's boundaries are much bigger, and i'm suddenly enveloped into their scheme of things. i think i keep my circles quite small. compartmentalizing fragments in separate functions. sometimes people with bigger broader circles don't like how i keep myself in such confined spaces. but the thing is that i live one step at a time, i can't be looking all they way over to your stepping stones when i'm trying to walk the narrow rocks placed out for me.

when i'm not good at stuff or when i'm new at stuff it's hard but i like to figure it out for myself. my mom has tried to explain to my sister for the last 30 years that i need to learn things for myself. my mom and joy look around them, observe other people and proceed with caution along what they perceive to be the best course of action. i on the other hand, step out into treacherous territory, make my way, slip and fall down, then look back at the path i've taken and come to specific conclusions about what i would do next time. that's how i work, and that method serves me well.

now that we've established that, i don't know what to do about feeling small. i think i'm a good team player when i know my role. i expect other people to know their roles as well. that's not always the case. i guess it's a live and learn thing. hopefully next time i'll be able to relax about it or speak up. the reality is that some people are planners, and other people are last minute organizers. that's just the way it is. so i suppose if i'm going to be last minute about things i'm bound to end up feeling controlled by people who are more forward thinking.

it cares not for your pyramid schemes.

the annex

august has become a flurry of social activities. i can't recall a month that was so full...

this weekend is wolfe island music festival, on sunday we're going to camp iawah, then home again for brendan's nana's birthday celebration.

next weekend we're going to see arcade fire on toronto island, and on sunday we'll have lunch with my family before going to women's art festival in city park - which is the anniversary of me and b's first date.

the 3rd weekend on august i'm driving up to mississauga with nancy to attend megan's bridal shower

the 4th weekend i'm preaching at next - my second sermon ever. i've been thinking on my topic since june, but i really need to start forming it on paper.

then the first weekend on september us lorimers are going camping again, this time to bon echo. we were clever enough to not wait til the last minute to book a site.

for the most part we'll still have time on weekends for relaxing, and i'm hoping to go to visit beckie's cottage at some point. my lovely northern friend has found a job in lower canada. in quebec city to be exact. it's a one year contract at an english high school, but she's been wanting to break into the quebec circuit for quite some time, so this is EXCELLENT. i'm glad that she'll be closer by and visiting her will be less expensive and less unpredictable.

yes indeedy, august will be a full month, but extremely enjoyable. in amongst all our activities we need to find time to get caught up with friends and family. so to start we're going to joy's place for dinner. we haven't seen them since that day in june.

they've begun renovating the m centre's front lawn. they've been doing a lot of digging. i'm looking forward to the end product, i think it's going to look fabulous.

it's not about the money.

wesley

so lorimer and lorimer went camping this past weekend. i would've written earlier than this, but i was at home sick yesterday for unrelated reasons.

camping was very fun. i was really proud of us because considering it was our first time we were remarkably well prepared. it was a good learning experience. we discovered that we overlooked a few things (like garbage bags), and completely forgot the stove (we both thought the other had packed it, but we had the bbq so we were a-ok), but all in all we did very well.

our campsite was pretty nice. it was actually much bigger than we needed, so next time i don't think we'll get such a big one. we were surrounded by a very large muslim family which made for very interesting people watching. i was just wrapping up a book called "girls of riyadh" which is actually about muslim girls so i found it particularly interesting to see how some of them wear hijabs while others did not. i learned from my book that it's a reflection of how devout a girl is to her religion. brendan noticed that only 2 of the men adjourned to the tent for prayers (they knelt in the mesh part of the tent so we were able to see them). considering there were so many of them (at least 25 with kids. taking up 3 full campsites) they were not especially loud and when they were, they didn't speak in english which allowed for some privacy for both them and us.

when camp got set up we walked down to the beach and i went swimming. brendan is not a fan of swimming, while i on the other hand love swimming. i had to swim alone for years during family vacations, and i did look forward to a partner who would join me. so this is something that we'll have to find some middle ground on. when we told this to brendan's aunt later she laughed at us and said "oh you newlyweds, by my age i just yell 'GET IN THE WATER!!' ".

we ate a super great dinner that brendan made on the bbq, not long after i was finished the washing up did we start our campfire. it was so lovely. we roasted marshmallows for a long time. b was super thrilled to discover that he was going to introduce me to s'mores for the first time because i'd never had one before. after my first one i suggested other ways of doing it, he was unimpressed by my techniques and said that i'm too progressive.

i kept wondering what time it was, but b said that when camping time is of no consequence, so we just rolled with the flow. however, i did peak at the clock before i fell asleep and it was 11:20. we slept in the following morning. it was much warmer in the tent than i had expected. i had all these layers of clothes to keep me warm, but didn't end up needing my socks and hoodie. our new sleeping bags are super cozy. when we got up we had a lovely breakfast, followed by another swim and a walk about, then it was time to pack up.

after leaving silver lake we went to brendan's aunt nancy's cottage. it was fun hearing stories from her and having a better sense of what that side of the family is like. she took us out on a boat ride to see sharbot lake and fed us dinner. it was fairly late before we headed out. b got showing his cousin how to play "here comes the sun" on her guitar. it was funny because we brought his guitar along with us camping but he didn't end up taking it out of the car. meanwhile as soon as he touched quinn's guitar it was difficult to get it out of his hands so we could get going.

we've decided to go camping labour day weekend too :) it worked well on a long weekend, so we'll probably do that pretty frequently :)

it's gonna take time,
a whole lot of precious time.
it's gonna take patience and time,
to do it right child.

sidewalk

beckie and i went to see the girl who played with fire at the screening room. and oh man it was SOOOO GOOD!!! i CAN'T WAIT to read the book! i haven't had the chance to read it yet, it's the sequel to the girl who played with fire. i would have to say, that it was the best sequel i've ever seen. it's not this outlandish plot that is a bit of a stretch to happen to the same group of characters. it was just a really beautiful continuation of the story. it's wonderfully weaved together.

lisbeth salander is probably the most amazing literary character i've ever read. she's just so interesting. it blows my mind. wow.

so yes, i think i'll pick up that novel before heading up to silver lake tomorrow.

it's a great feeling to have just seen a really great movie. i don't know when i saw such a great film last.

i think i'll go eat some cucumber slices. i miss tv :( it would be nice to eat cucumbers and watch mindless television as a means of unwinding.

there's something in you that brings so much out of me.

flush

i like that sometimes things just suddenly click. that's what we've been waiting for, needing. last night, after my latest blog entry, brendan and i had the best evening together since we returned from cambodia. funny that after i decided to document the bumpy transition on the internet we finally turned a corner and are back into our regular groove. i really really enjoyed my time with him and it makes me feel so happy! we did our banking and made bread together in our new bread maker. when we sat down for dinner the doorbell rang unexpectedly, so brendan's best friend robb joined us around the table.

for many years i would lie awake in bed thinking about my osap loan. dreaming about paying it off. i lied in bed while brendan watched john mayer clips on the internet. i rambled to him about if we save this much, and that much, and combine it with whatever, we'll have such and such saved within 2 years for a downpayment on a house! heehee. i think it's funny that i've got a new financial goal to work towards. it's super important to me that we save a lot because i want to have low monthly payments. not unbelievably low, but it would be nice if our mortgage was around how much we currently pay for rent.

all us girls from book club gathered at rach g's place last night. we drank some kind of blueberry alcohol out of a pop bottle and shared some laughs and stories. i love those girls. i'm so glad that we get together so often. it's true that we don't get a lot of reading done, but it's the gathering together part that's so great. i like the rhythm of it and their good natures and positive energy.

it's amazing how much easier it is to keep a house tidy when it's tidy. i feel so much more motivated. this morning i peaked out on the balcony is see a trashbag full of dirt that has been sitting there since i planted my garden in may. i suddenly felt super motivated to gather it up and toss it to the curb before the garbage truck came by. i rushed around in my nighty, dragging this heavy filthy bag around - it slowly rubbing it's dirt on my leg as i walked. as i came down my back stairs i hear the truck drawing nearer so i rushed and dashed down the path to the curb. feeling a great deal satisfied with myself i dumped it beside the recycling and brushed my hands clean.

i also did laundry! what a good start to the day :)

 

well i have known all these things
and the joys that they can bring
and i'll share them all for a cup of coffee
and to wear your ring.

polite

now that we've been back in k-town for about 10 days, life feels like it's resuming to it's regularly scheduled programming. b and i are beginning to find the adjustment to living together difficult. it's funny because all the things we were expecting to be hard have turned out to be easy! and all the things we expected to be easy have been hard. this realization has not come without it's share of discouragment. in some ways i'm really excited to see that we prepared ourselves for some things so well that they've been very smooth. yay team lorimer! but it makes me feel like we gave so much attention to this or that, that other things didn't reach our radar and are therefore much more challenging than their contemporaries.

i guess we're finding ourselves on that proverbal learning curve. are we ready for this? 'all passengers please keep your arms inside the ride...' i do like a good challenge, i'm the kind of person who likes to set my attention on one thing at a time, accomplish the task at hand, and then check it off my list:
dishes - check
vacuuming - check
bathroom - check
be a good wife - tbd...

i like that we're making stories. first it was the b+l hook up story, the b+l dating story, the b+l proposal, the b+l engagement story, the b+l wedding story, the b+l honeymoon story. now it's b+l learn and live and grow and be in the maxi pad story.

yes, it's called the maxi pad. we decided that i would take his name, and he would that my apartment's name.

so how is this story going to unfold i wonder. i suspect with fun and fights. spooning and snoring. teamwork and thoughtlessness. music and malady. and as usual, i'll celebrate the awesome stuff, i'll manage and learn thru the hard stuff, and at the end of each day be excited about everything that makes up my life with b.

of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you.

misnomer

the first summer i lived in toronto was 10 years ago, in the year 2 thousand.

i had an office job for the first time where i worked with my future housemates bonnie and leslie. i drove thru toronto traffic each morning and evening making my way to the industrial park in markham. our office was near a spice factory. the air was thick with the smell of spices and soon, due to the summer's heat, the seats in my car began to absorb the scent. for the rest of that summer when it rained i'd leave the windows down in my VW jetta (named asher) in hopes of the rain washing away the odor. it never really worked. so for the next 2 years my car continued to smell like spices when the temperature got just so.

thunder only happens when it's raining.

bodacious

so brendan and i decided yesterday that we'd go camping overnight on the long weekend. we picked two possible provincial parks, but when i went to make a reservation they were fully booked and had no vacancy. and so did the next 5 places i tried. i ended up finding a semi ok site at a place called silver lake. i have no idea what it's like because i've never heard of it before. however, it's slightly north of sharbot lake which is where beckie's cottage is and that's a nice area so i feel ok about it. we did leave it a little late so we can't be too picky. i kind of think it will make for a funny story if it goes badly. i've never done regular camping before, only group camping. i think this will be fun. we can take all our new camping goods with us and have a grand ole time. there were a number of sites available at this campground, and the site descriptions involved words like "poor" and "severe". i managed to get one that says "average" in a few places and "slight". it has a fire pit in the back, oh man... i hope that brendan brings his guitar and we sit around the fire roasting marshmallows while he plays. i wonder if that would be uncool for the neighbours. it's live music, who doesn't like GOOD live music?? it's not like it's a radio blaring or some obnoxious garage band. i have to admit... it was more expensive than i had expected. are the rates better for week-long camping? it doesn't feel much cheaper than a hotel. frig! we could get 2 hotel rooms in cambodia for that price :p

oh speaking of rooms in cambodia. i found the website of our hotel in siem reap - EI8HT ROOMS. remember how i told you that i was pretty sure it was a gay hotel?? well check out their site and tell me what you think. i think it was owned by gay people, it wasn't specifically a place for gay travelers, but they're welcome. it was a really great place, we loved it and the staff were super attentive and helpful. two thumbs up from the lorimers!

i had a super lovely time with melissa and mark last night. i went to their (her) place around 6:15 and didn't get home til 9:15! it was really nice getting caught up and sitting in her backyard.

pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man.

i love melissa.
she's a super and special lady!

water lily

it's odd how hair can change from one week to another, or even one day to another. today i feel like at the rate my hair is growing, and in the manner in which it's growing... it will some day be quite the mane! i a little bit like that!

it was a full weekend. saturday was taken up by domesticity. i worked on the bedroom, brendan worked on the backroom. then we went out to sears to purchase items off our registry and we came home with a vacuum and a coffee table! b is quite enamored with the vacuum. i've never seen him so blissful over a bissel! then on sunday we went up to little long lake to spend the afternoon with david and sue. we went swimming and canoing, had a lovely dinner. it was very nice. the perfect day for the cottage. their country road is quite hilly and curvy. at one point we were driving up a steep hill and it became clear that i was in too high of a gear. at nearly the top i had to stop. i took a deep breath and said to brendan "get ready to see my mad skills of starting on a hill". i released the clutch and pushed the gas and after a bit of spinning tires on the gravel we got up and over the top. to be honest, i'd been a little afraid. but brendan was so impressed that he said he'd never been more attracted to me in his whole life. hahaha :D

i was feeling a bit whiny on saturday night. i was feeling sorry for myself that i no longer have cable, and that i'm cutting back on sugar and salt :( i'm enjoying tea less than usual. however, after last evening when i sat reading in the new listening station corner of the living room (b has a vast vinyl collection and record player, so we got that all set up on saturday), i felt very content. i'm encouraged, maybe i'll end up really enjoy having no tv after all.

i love corn on the cob. it tastes like summer goodness.

today was my mid-year performance evaluation. once again, i passed with flying colours, which is encouraging. it's very nice to know that i'm good at my job. the change of boss is just great, and emma was very impressed that i continued to be highly productive at work while still managing to plan a wedding. this has been one very full year - this time last july i was in peru with jill! there's part of me that thinks there'll never be another year as full as this one. it's been a special one that's for sure.

lovers, keep on the road you're on.

tonle sap

an article about the khmer rouge caught my eye on google news this morning: genocide in cambodian

the first of the 5 cadre has been convicted of genocide and crimes against humanity. while we were at the genocide museum in phnom penh i read that this particular person became at christian after the regime was over. situations like that can be difficult for me to wrap my brain around - justice and grace. grace and justice. without spending some serious time thinking about this dilemia, and without knowing this man's personal faith or whether he is repentant of his heinous acts, i've concluded that in cases like this grace is justice. does that make sense? forgiveness does not necessarily mean exemption from punishment. there are concequences for actions. i believe anyone who is truly repentant would willingly accept their penalty.

that being said... i hope that this conviction, and the ones to follow will not only bring long awaited justice, but will bring healing to that nation. they are a very broken people, and i truly hope for restoration for them.

imagine all the people living life in peace.

dark

i'm excited that it's almost the weekend. we have lots to do around the house tomorrow, and i'm kind of excited that it's someone else's mess too!

i'm really liking having brendan as my housemate. although, his tolerance level for tidiness is much lower than mine. this morning i did the dishes while he was sleeping, i was really happy about it and was hoping that he'd be delighted to find a clean kitchen without having to ask me! he always mentions the mess before i have the chance to clean it. so i was pleased do chores without being promped. so far my favourite part of having brendan as a resident of 330 york street is getting to see him before work. i tend to pester him in the mornings by getting back into bed for 10 -15 intervals in between things like breakfast and shower. i unwittingly poke and prod at him as he sleeps, and he responds with moans and whines. this makes me giggle and it delights me to no end. i'm reminded of how i acquired the nickname "pest". i also really like it when he picks up groceries. one thing i've missed about having housemates is the lack of other people's food in the house. i swear nothing tastes better than other people's food. i remember taking a bite of my friend's sub at lunch in college, and they always tasted better than the subs i ordered for myself. packing my lunch for work is an adventure, i like finding leftovers in the fridge or bringing spare fruit into the office. shared food is great.

in other news... since taking out my dreads i've discovered that my hair is now wavy. this is extremely strange after having silky smooth hair for all those years. when i mentioned it to my hairdresser she said that people's hair changes during their lifetime. she thought it was good or else we'd get tired of the same old thing. i suppose that's kind of true, but i liked my smooth straight hair, i knew what to expect from it. i don't know what to think of my wavy locks. i can't wait for a year from now when my hair will be semi-long. and i really can't wait for a year and a half when it's really long! as much as i miss my straight hair, i also miss the fullness of my dreads. i think what it comes down to is this middle of the road haircut, it bores me. i dyed my hair the other day because i needed my hair to be just a little more edge.

whatever colours you have in your mind.

stegosaurus

the folks at storytellers last night were asking us our highlights and lowlights of cambodia. it was a good way to summarize our trip, so i thought i'd include them on pspd.

HIGHs:
1) ta prohm temple
my favourite by far. it's engulfed by the jungle, the trees grow all over the old stone structures. the strength of their roots lift and move parts of the temple and look like muscles strangling the old ruins. it was much bigger than i thought it would be and we spent a long time waundering around there amazed at what we saw.

2) the bus ride
i sat for 6 hours looking out the window at the unusual and amazing country of cambodia. i saw cows bathing, tiny children riding big bikes, flat plains covered with scattered palm trees.

3) the fish massage
in siem reap they have these fish tanks out on the street. you sit at the edge and countless tiny fish come up and kiss your feet. it feels like tiny bubbles and it tickled so much!!! it made me laugh and laugh. it was 3 dollars for 20 minutes!! brendan took a video, we'll be posting it on facebook soon.

LOWs:
1) our fight at angkor wat
a disagreement in the sun. frustration and defensiveness. sweating in the heat, waundering around looking for a place to finish our conversation, while trying to stay on the path because of the potential for landmines. it was crappy, and the timing sucked. i get over stuff fast, while brendan takes some time to process. we eventually sat on the ledge in the shade in the temple. b stared into space while i drank water and bided my time until he was ready to carry on. we weren't in a rush, so i waited for him to shake it off.

2) getting driven into by a bicycle while we were homeless in siem reap in the dark (after arriving later into town than we expected)
the hotel we'd been looking forward to staying at did not have our reservation. we got a tip from another traveller about 2 other good hotels so we headed off into the night to find a place to lay out heads. a guy on a bicycle drove up behind me and hit me with his bike. the front tire seriously went thru my legs. i have no idea how he didn't see me, i had a huge backpack on.

3) brendan being sick
i've never had a fever before, and i was rather freaked out that his was not going away. one night i became very discouraged and felt very overwhelmed because we were so far away from home, and he was solely my responsbility, so i had a little cry. i was afraid that something would happen to him and it would be my fault. plus, with him being sick we missed out on activities that i'd been looking forward to.

i'll draw three figures on your heart.

meant

my cable is being disconnected today :(

when i called to cancel the service, the lady was skeptical. i told her that my husband doesn't want a tv. she said "at all?", "yes" i told her. she went on to say that i've had it all this time and yada yada yada. so i had to explain to her that i'd only just got married and he'd only just moved in. "oh" she said. brendan is rather proud of the fact that he's the reason for our service termination. when i was growing up cable was my only luxury item. we were fairly poor, but my parents splurged on cable because it allowed us to receive the christian radio station (i'm not sure how, but i gather it was not a free station or something). we had a black and white tv, it was years before i discoverd that penny (on inspector gadget) had blond hair.

i've only just discovered that sherlock holmes' first name is sherlock. hahahaha. i always thought that sherlock was a title like 'doctor' watson.

every year around this time my garden starts to whilt. this morning as i ate a banana out on the balcony i noticed the dead plants were isolated to the pots that have no drainage. i put pebbles in the pots, but that doesn't seem to be doing the trick. so next year i'll have to invest in 4 new plant pots. truth be told, most of my pots are crock pots that i bought at value village :S i was trying to be stingy. i have a year to keep my eye out for some more practical plant holders, so i should be able to find something suitable.

the soul travels on foot.

traffic, paper, strawberry

on saturday b and i spent the afternoon in hong kong. when we were there the first time we walked around in the stifling heat (hk is unbelievably hot and humid, we were unprepared for that). near the end of our time there we came across a hop-on/hop-off bus tour. we didn't have the time, and wanted to limit how much money we spent before reaching our destination, so we decided against it. but on our return trip we knew where the tour company was, we knew how much it cost, and we had plenty of time, so after arriving in the city via the train we beelined it to the big bus tour office and hopped aboard. it was really great because we got to see all of the island, while at the same time learning about what we were looking at. it was very cool. hong kong is an impressive place.

when we got back to the airport we had a fist full of money left over, and when we browsed the bookstore we both found magazines that interested us. brendan is a big fan of the new yorker, and i like glamour magazine. however, they were $81 and $53 respectfully (hong kong dollars - which is 1/6 american). so we counted up our dollars and had just enough for both. as we sat in the lounge reading i came across an article about sugar. i discovered that (as a society) our intake of sugar has gone up 34% in the last 30 years, and that sugar is added to everything, even bread! this is a problem because sugar is the greatest cause of weight gain. so, being a person who wants to lose some of my extra weight, this was valuable news to me. this morning i googled how much sugar we should have each day, it said that aside from naturally occuring sugars (in fruit, milk, etc) we should only have 40 grams (8 teaspoons) a day. up until 2004 i had 4 teaspoons of sugar in each cup of tea. i wanted to cut down my sugar intake so i cut it back to one, but gradually worked myself back up to 2. on average i have 4 cups of tea a day, so that's my 8 teaspoons right there! so i'm going to retrain my pallate. i'm scaling it down to half a teaspoon, i may increase my milk content to compensate. i'm glad i came across that article.

the thing about weight loss is that it involves a certain amount of obsession to make headway. a person has to be very dedicated and diligent if they're going to change their eating or exercise habits. when i've really given it a lot of attention in the past i made a lot of progress. a friend of mine from college lost 60 pounds in one summer because he was so obsessed with losing weight, he didn't keep it off in the long run because he went back to school and well.. simply... life happened. certain stages of life lend themselves to things like weight loss or reading or sports or cooking classes. i'm hoping to find a balanced life-style, i don't want to neglect working out, but i don't want it to be my first priority either. i'm happy that limiting sugar intake is something i can do fairly easily, it'll work with my life-style pretty well.

we are collapsed in the act of just being here.

return

after a 15 hour flight thru 11 time zones and one mini day, we arrived in toronto. at customs the man asked us if we had a good trip, and in a travel-daze brendan informed him "ya, we just got back". we collected our luggage, then came thru the doors and down the ramp to the smiling faces of andrew and shannon. they got up at 2 am to drive to toronto to pick us up. it was so nice of them, and it was a great warm welcome home. we listened to 90s music on the satellite radio as we drove the 401 in our massive dodge ram truck. when we stopped at a service station for breakfast b and i told them all about the genocide museum we visited, hearing about it seriously made shannon cry. i'll tell you about it later.

we did our laundry and watched some of the office season 6 (we bought it at the russian market in phnom penh for 6 dollars - the complete 4-disc season), and fell asleep by 4:30. we slept 12 hours, i got up at 4, did some things around the house, then headed to work for 7. it was kind of nice, but it means the day is going INCREDIBLY SLOW, because i've done so much already and it's only 9:45 am.

b and i both felt good to be home. being in the maxi pad, getting re-aquainted with our space is nice. we feel pretty rejuvinated, and i feel like our trip was very energizing.

videos and photos to follow on facebook soon.

time will hold its promise.

lady

we rode on the bus back to phnom penh today. it was another grueling 6 hours or so, but it was ok. i sat looking out the window listening to my ipod the whole time. i have to say... that trip has a mighty fine sound track. we passed rice fields, and rural cambodian houses, palm trees and ponds full of cows. it was a beautiful sight, and one that made the long trip pass in no time.

i spent much of that time thinking about my life. life in general, but specifically my life. this new adventure of marriage to brendan puts things on a different road than i was on before. i feel excited, and eager to know how things will unfold. i'm surprised at my desire to rush to every milestone asap. i want to know what our house will be like, what we'll decide to name our kids, what kind of parents we'll be, how we'll interact with our friends and families as the years pass. inspite of my eagerness to hit the fast-forward button i have to remind myself that there's no rewind. plus, i don't actually want all those things at once, or even right now. it's best to tackle one thing at once, and my excitement is just that... excitement. i feel like my life is a good novel. it's a page-turner that i want to rush thru in order to know what's going to happen next. what a huge mystery it all is :) but i'll pace myself. i want to experience all phases in their own time.

we're on the final leg of our time here in cambodia. unlike in past trips, i'm not sad to head home. i was telling b the other day how my life was often made up of having one thing to look forward to, and then another. usually when a trip is ending i have nothing else to look forward to until my next trip. but things are different now. i'm looking forward to getting into a routine with b, figuring what our life is going to look like together. we've been sharing funds for the last 2 weeks and already find that that makes life WAY easier. i suppose that's the first change of many, and i'm sure they won't all be that easy.

beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads.

painted

tomorrow we head back to phnom penh. we've been in siem reap for over a week. we've spent the last 3 days with brendan feeling sick, feeling better then feeling sick again. brendan having a fever and brendan's fever subsiding, then returning. brendan barfing, and me not feeling great. but today we ventured out for one last trip to the temples. on our way in the tuk-tuk b said to me "'i'm going to miss this ride"', me too. it's unfortunate that between bouts of sickness we missed opportunities that we'd been looking forward to. activities we'd been greatly anticipating ended up not working out and we can't just do them tomorrow because our time here is done. i was bummed out for a portion of the afternoon. i've decided to not mention them by name so that i don't hold tight my disappointment. but instead i'll take hold of the wonders of our trip, the time spent with b, our nice hotel, our relaxing stay. the chance for us to further connect and come together as a unit, to share in an experience we've never shared with anyone else. it's lovely really. the things we missed out on can be done at another time, in another place. but this first trip together, our honeymoon in the south pacific can never be duplicated, it's special on it's own, even without the bonus experiences.

part me of feels like writing is the best kind of art form.
i'm reading yet another don miller book, and am thankful he exists.

bikcycle

brendan is feeling worse than before. we had a plain breakfast then decided to take a short visit to the temples. while we were there i was keeping tabs on his health and he said he was feeling a 5 (out of 10). but since returning i think he's feeling more like a 3 or 4. i got the shower working, but he doesn't feel well enough to stand so i'm trying to keep him cool with a wet cloth. we're not concerned, we're quite certain it's heat exhaustion. i keep insisting that he drink lots of water. he said he got a fever in dominican and that he just slept it off and was ok again. i've never had a fever before so i'm just going to trust him on that.

it's an odd feeling taking care of someone else. i've never done this before. no one else has ever been my responsibility before. it's interesting, i hope i do a good job at it. i think i'm doing ok. this is a new beginning - being someone's somebody. it's nice to know that as i am here for him, he'll be there for me too. that's one of the many wonders of partnership.

when i'm confident that he's feeling a little bit better i think i'll go to the market and do some looking around. there's a few things i'd like to pick up and it would be nice to be able to take my time - since b does not like to shop. we've already bought a number of nice things, such as a summer bedspread, a photo album, i bought a new purse.

i'm growing suspicious that our hotel is run by a group of gay cambodians. brendan thinks this must be a drink come true for me, since i like gay men so much. but i'm finding it a little odd, if not surprising. why are they all congregating at the same place of work i wonder?? our room comes with a dvd player and we can borrow from the selection of movies in the lobby. we really like that set up, and think it's a great asset. the first thing that tipped me off was that half of the movies are gay films. one or two is not surprising, but half i tell you! i'm not quite sure what to think! well, i don't suppose i need to think or conclude anything, it just is.

well i'm going to go check on b.

******************************
ADDENDUM:
when i got back upstairs, i helped brendan into the bathroom for a shower, but when we got there he said "'you should leave, i'm going to throw up"' but i stayed, because he's my 'band and he needed my help. so he barfed and barfed, and is feeling much better now. he was really surprised that i watched him barf, but that's what i'm here for - you know... the whole sickness and health thing. he was really quite touched, and i feel like we've crossed yet another bridge of intimacy :p in a way it seems fitting that he'd throw-up on our honeymoon, since he threw-up the night of our first date. he laughed and said he'll throw-up to mark every special occasion :p again, we're doing alright, no need to worry.

alice

we're both feeling a little unwell. my stomach is bothering me, and i'm having a tooth problem. brendan feels on the verge of a fever (just as our shower decides to stop working). we're doing well, but spent most of yesterday sleeping in our air-con room. hopefully we'll feel better today. i think we're dehydrated, so the plan is to drink lots of (bottled) water in hopes of our physical selves feeling better. plus, we have next to no appetite due to the heat. no need to worry, we're just changing gears a little.

on a brighter note, we saw some apsara dancers last night, which was really neat! we're planning on going back to the temples today, and hoping to take an elephant ride!!! so exciting! elephants are my favourite animals :)

hope all is well where you are!

democapitalist

the funny thing about brendan is that he's rubbing off on me. we're both excited to get up at 1 am tonight (we've been falling asleep before 8 every night) to watch the soccer game. i would never have imagined that. and we've been getting pints of beer for 70 cents (he's also rubbed off on me with the whole drinking beer thing).

today was another super sweaty day where we rode around on a tuk-tuk (it's a motorbike with a carriage attached to the back for passengers) and saw three great historical temples. after that we went to a mexican restaurant for $1 tacos (cambodia is full of every kind of food imaginable, and they do a great job at it too!), followed by relaxing in a place called "peace cafe" where i had a mango lassie and ice cream. at restaurants they give everyone a cold wash cloth to wipe your face. at peace cafe i sat with the face cloth on my head for an hour or more. it was nice. while we hung out there i read about pol pot and the khmer rouge. man, that's a complex history that is too much to explain in one blog entry. basically... after the vietnam war the khmer rouge imprisoned its own country, forced them to be slaves and killed people by the thousands. it was basically genocide and a holocaust in one. totally horrific. it's a complete understatement, but the khmer rouge were just jerks. they filled the countryside with landmines to kill their own people, that to this day people are still stepping on and losing their limbs. we see a half dozen landmine a day at least, many of them are young adults. the khmer rouge fell from power in the 80s, and they've been rebuilding ever since. one thing we've found about cambodia is that it's quite a progressive nation. i'm sure a lot of their principles fall short in practice, but they have signs everywhere about responsible tourism (ie anti-child sex trade), and anti-drugs, they have laws about equality for women, and are open to same-sex relationships. i would imagine they have a long way to go, but we are glad to see they are so progressive in their outlooks.

we've been a little disappointed that the other gringos (white people) are not very friendly. jill and i chatted with lots of other travellers, but the people here are not very friendly. they don't even smile at us on the street. we''ve noticed that besides white people there are lots of westerners in general. it's quite easy to spot people who are of asian descent but who live in north america (or other wealthy nations). so we''ve stopped referring to tourists as white people, but rather as westerners. most of the gringos we've been able to overhear are aussies or kiwis, not many canucks this part of the world it seems.

hope you're doing well! we are doing fab :) it's hard to believe we've only been here 6 days!

pretty lazy

we've overcome the hurdles of yesterday. our hotel is really very lovely. it's called EI8GT Rooms (but it how has 16). they're super accomodating, which is refreshing after the jerks from yesterday. the funny thing about our hotel is that the shower is in the middle of the bathroom. there's no curtain and everything is tile. basically the bathroom is the shower stall and the sink and toilet are in it. hilarious! the two single beds pushed together worked out last night, brendan snuck over onto my side, which was nice because he finds it difficult sleeping with a buddy. so that goes to show he's starting to really take to it :)

thanks to everyone who commented! i wondered if no one was reading because i was away on my honeymoon and they thought i wouldn't be blogging. i've discovered a lot of people have funny concepts of honeymoons - one being regular emails are abnormal. but i like to write and i like to process my experiences thru writing. we have free internet at our hotel, which is GREAT! oh, and jordin... i won't be able to upload any photos until we get home. but try this..... to give you an idea of what we're doing and seeing. we took a tuk-tuk to our first bunch of temples today. it was a long ride, but the temples were amazing. we're having the funnest time. the sites we went to today were not very busy, in fact, the second one was empty except for us which was great.

the food has been amazing. we had indian last night, and it was oh so tasty. we''re going for dinner soon and are hoping to try some more local cuisine.

everyone speaks english very well and all the dealings is in american, so that makes transactions very easy. we've been drinking lots of bottled water and coca cola. the caffiene isn't negatively affecting me at all! i think that's because i'm really relaxed.

golden

today we took the bus from phnom penh to siem reap. it was supposed to take 3 hours, and it took 6.

then when we got here the hotel we were super looking forward to staying at didn't have our reservation and was booked up. so we waundered the streets in the dark looking for another place. we found one, but didn't like it. it was crappy. so we left that room and waundered again. we found one, it's more expensive, but we like it. unfortunately, it only has two twin beds, so they pushed them together into one double. we might stay here for the next 10 days if we can get a different room.

all in all it's been a bit of a rough day. and a waste of day. we're going to go scavenge some dinner now. we haven't eaten a meal in 12 hours.

:S

tuk-tuk

is anyone reading this thing? it seems no one comments anymore, so i don't know if anyone is tuning in. that's ok, it's nice to keep a record for myself.

things are going great here in phnom penh. it's stinking hot and i can't make it thru the whole day without stopping for a shower midway thru the afternoon. we're learning to navigator ourselves pretty well. we accidentally scored with the location of our hotel. it's in a prime spot close to everything. traffic is CRAZY. we've seriously never seen anything like it in our lives. motos (motorcycles) just drive right at each other thru intersections and yet they don't crash. it took us some time to learn how to cross the street.

i'm nearly out of time, so i'll right tomorrow! we're going to bed soon, but have a nice day!

ting-ting

we're in hong kong at the moment. we went into the city this morning (10 hour layover) and walked around for several hours. it was super hot and humid, and unfortunately our summer clothes are in our checked baggage. we were dripping with perspiration when we caught the train back to the airport.

 

before we left kingston i wisely told brendan "pack a toothbrush in your carry-on" then proceeded to forget to take my own advise :S i'm dying to brush my teeth, and brendan won't share. i reminded him that we're married, but he said that kissing and sharing a toothbrush are two totally different things.

 

we're having a really great time. we're totally amazed and regularly say to one another "we're in china!" i don't think it really sunk in for either of us that we would be spending time in hong kong. it's pretty awesome. the mountains are amazing and the ocean. oh man. when we were on the train going into the city i turned to b and said "THIS is why i work in my cubicle. it's for moments like this" it's good to be remindedof that.

 

we got some sleep on the plane last night, and so far we're managing pretty well. it's 1 am at home right now, and we seem to be doing well believing ourselves to be in the early afternoon instead of night. we're hoping to stay a wake until a reasonable time this evening before going to bed. we'll probably walk around PP for a bit after getting settled in. we're having fun :)

 

tonight's gonna be a good night.

humidity

last night i started packing for cambodia. it went pretty well. i've got all my clothes packed and now just have basic necessities to pack in. i think i learned a lot from our trip to peru - to not bring a lot of unnecessary things that will make the backpack heavy. we're starting to get excited because it's dawning on us that we're leaving TOMORROW!!!! i'll go to work during the day, then nancy will pick us up after work and drive us to TO. i hope we don't forget anything important - like our wallets, our passports, our vaccinations. i think all will be fine.

yesterday b and i went to moneymart to convert a large sum of cash into american. i got very antsy and was afraid the next person in line would robb me of our travel cash. afterwards brendan was asking me why i was afraid, and i explained "what if someone saw the money and took it from me?". he said "then i would stop them. you're not on your own anymore les". that may be the biggest adjustment of them all - understanding that i have a partner who will take care of me and protect me.

i really like having b live at my place. it was fun getting ready for work with him this morning. we ate frosted flakes. i've noticed that i no longer need my 8 blankets for sleeping anymore. we sleep most of the night without any covers at all, then use just a sheet and a duvet when we get chilly in the morning. one time in the night i got up to go pee, and when i returned i really liked that he was still there.

i accidentally stabbed myself in the hand when i was trying to peel an orange with a knife. it's sore and i rue the short-sighted idea of using a sharpe object as a orange opening devise. i got blood on my fruit.

 

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new.

mrs

HELLO!!!!

well, we made it. we survived the wedding and actually really enjoyed ourselves.

on friday evening we got together with a group of friends who helped us decorate the lovenasium. after that i went to shannon's with rach and jill for a sleepover! we stayed up late drinking wine and talking. i woke up the next morning at 5 am and couldn't fall back to sleep until 7 something. i got another hour of sleep then woke up for a great breakfast. i then dashed for a one-hour massage before heading home. the massage was great and gave me some time outside of the wedding stuff to just relax. my mom and sister arrived while i got ready and before we left for photos in the park it was raining.

we did our photos in the rain, which kind of stunk, but we managed and it made for a memorable experience. after that we headed over to the church. it felt great being able to spend time with brendan before the ceremony. he's my best friend so it just felt so natural to hang out beforehand, it dispelled any nerves we were feeling. joy, nancy, brendan and i chatted in the basement and danced to the music before the processional. we had a really stellar band who played about 3 songs before we got started.

the ceremony was so much fun. having al and garry perform the service together was PERFECT. they were so funny and helped set a comfortable tone. the service itself is so beautiful and down to earth, the words said are significant and meaningful. because al knows brendan's love of jewish culture he arranged for him to stamp on a glass just like they do in jewish culture without telling us in advance. when i realized what al was getting at i smiled ear to ear. it was amazing. then the band finished with "my children, be joyful", which was truly a triumphant ending. afterwards we were told by so many people that it was the best wedding they'd ever been to.

the reception went pretty well. we ended up having WAY too much food, but i figure that's better than having too little. if anything we were overly prepared. the food crew did a great job and we were so grateful. we had some speeches and ate some cake. when it was time to go we said good-bye then walked home in the rain under an umbrella.

after a few hours at home we went out to see seinfeld at the KRC. it was fun and we laughed a lot.

it was a big day. so many firsts and big changes. the change of name is a biggie that will take some adjusting to. but i'm the kind of person who when i decide something i dive right in, i feel that a slow transition would just be confusing, so i'm trying to incorporate lorimer wherever i can.

well, i'm pretty tired, so i'm going to get ready for bed. it's been a fun day. we ate waffles for breakfast, watched soccer on tv, went downtown for some errands, came home an bbqed, watched a movie. it was really relaxing after the whirlwind of the last 3 months. it's been quiet and i've enjoyed the peace.

you know its gonna make it that much better,
when we can say goodnight and stay together.

miss

well... here we are.
this is my last chance to write until after i'm married. it's been really important to me to make sure i have some time and solitude to reflect on the big life change i'm about to go thru.

*deep sigh*
i'm 30 years old. when i was a teenager i thought i'd get married at 21. i figured i'd just marry whoever i was dating at the time. my logic was that why would i be with someone who i didn't think i was going to marry, so obviously that meant i'd marry them. it's amazing to think of my younger self completely unaware of the fact that i would actually spend the majority of my 20s single and frustrated. i like that my life has not unfolded how i predicted it would. the only thing i would change is the frustrated part. if i could've eliminated that part of my single experience – the tears, the discouragement, the loneliness, the alienation, the tediousness, the rejection – i would. but... truth be told those are part of the experience. they were very challenging years that stretched me and taught me a great number of things, and in the end made me a more well-rounded person. although, being the single girl became a big part of my identity. it's hard to imagine being seen any other way.

finding the right partner is a very yucky experience. to be honest i feel like "putting myself out there" involved sinking to depths i wouldn't normally consider. i feel a certain amount of sting or embarrassment, as though i was omitting an odour of desperation (interestingly enough, connecting with brendan actually involved doing nothing other than living my life). i by in large felt ashamed of my desire to have a partner. i would often try to pretend when talking with people i wasn't friends with that being single was no big deal and that i wanted it that way. i didn't like being that defensive, but it was better than being vulnerable. in the harder times i most definitely got thru with the support and presence of my friends. i'm so fortunate to have so many lovely people who i really connect with. without those relationships where i was able to talk on a deep level i could never have felt like i belonged. i'm very thankful. it's really my friends that made me well-rounded, and well-grounded too for that matter.

it's been 20 years since i lived with a man. in 1990 my dad moved out which left me with just my mom and my sister. it was a pretty charged household that i dubbed "the estrogen zoo". from there i lived with girl housemates, then different girl housemates, then still more girl housemates. my life has been rich with the presence of women. in the meantime men have become a great mystery which remained unattainable. but soon i will have one with me, within arms reach, sleeping beside me in my bed. how do i make this change without being afraid of the unknown? we'll figure it out i guess.

well, i should go to bed. it's a big day tomorrow. the wedding festivities begin at 6:30 p.m. with shanno and i running errands, then it will be non-stop until sunday.

so here we are. lesley mcknight is signing off for the last time. as of saturday this blog will belong to lesley lorimer :)

come on and save me
if you could save me
from the ranks of the freaks
who suspect they could never love anyone.

unencumbered

i've concluded that i only like slightly unripe fruit. i love fruit that is hard and a little solid. fruit that you really have to bite into and it doesn't just mush around. i just composted half of my kiwis because they are so soft that they're becoming fremented. i prefer it when they're when they're difficult to scoop out with a spoon, that's when they're perfect and a little sour. fantastic!

i won't have to say anything.

rug

tonight we had.... oh wait...before i continue, let me just say that i'm trying to not be discouraged about my weight and for the most part it is not overcoming me. i talked about it and am moving on.

tonight we had our rehearsal. it came together at the last minute, but it turned out very well. i knew it would so i didn't worry about it when the details were still up in the air. it only took about 15 minutes to get the lovenasium set up really nicely. we had a big table that fit 17 people around it! it's always a little nerve wracking to blend two sides of families together, they seemed more comfortable around each other as the evening went by. nancy cooked a lovely dinner and tim took care of the dishes.

the actual rehearsal went well. only took about an hour to go threw it 3 times. having kids in the mix are always a wildcard, but as brendan pointed out they increase the cute factor 10 fold. it's a really lovely ceremony, and al & garry are co-officiating which is fun and all that we could ever want. we feel quite positive. it's kind of a relief! i feel like all the big stuff is behind us now and all that's left is fun stuff – like decorating and banner painting!

speaking of banner painting. the lovely missus rachel erb made us a gigantic banner for the wall in the lovenasium. it looks FANTASTIC. it was so good of her to do that and it took a lot of perseverance. now we just have to paint some words on it. i'm scare we're going to totally wreck it by accident when we paint on the words! here's hoping our paint job will turn out ok. if we success it's going to be GREAT! the pinnacle of the decorations. heck, it'll be the pinnacle regardless.

i could carry that tune all the way to the moon.

snooze

if i were to identify the top 3 topics that arise frequently here on pspd i'd have to say they are the following....

1) boys
2) packing/travel
3) my weight

it's kind of funny that the next week involves a combination of those things. this morning as i got ready for work, an outfit i used to wear back in my cubby years was too tight. i am unbelievably discouraged about my weight, and i'm horribly scared. i'm quite phobic of getting as big as i once was, and it seems that the week before my wedding i'm the cubbiest i've been since 2005. what terrible timing. i'm afraid my cubby cheeks will forever mar my photos, and that when everyone stands to greet me as i come down the aisle that my cubbiness will be apparent to all. it seems to me that this will be the one thing that i look back on with regret - i hate my body. i probably wouldn't be so bothered if i didn't know how much better i feel to live and move inside a slightly smaller frame. within the last year it's fluctuated quite a bit. i loved my body when i returned from peru and even cuba. it's this damn cubicle. whenever i'm not stuck in it i lose weight because i'm moving and living and active. it's discouraging because i once lost 50lbs, but it seems that whatever techniques i'd once used don't work on my 30 year old body. i suppose my metabolism has changed. it's frustrating because it's not that i don't want to work out, i just don't have time. with wedding plans, and moving brendan, and getting ready for cambodia when can i find time to jog?? well... i'm going to schedule time over the next 3 days for jogging. it's not going to make any difference weightwise but at least i'll feel more pumped. plus, i'll try to do sit-ups before and after jogging, which will make my abs feel tighter. *sigh*

i think i'm pmsing - which is probably a factor in me feeling fat and me feeling discouraged about it. it's kind of funny to think that i'm pmsing before my wedding. i think i half expected it not to arise this month since this is a special occassion. in a way body's are indifferent, or perhaps even oblivious. i want to say "hey body... don't you know we're getting married this week? smarten up!". oddly enough i think that would fall on deaf ears.

you know... even though talking about this doesn't change anything i still feel better.

 

when the love that you share
is enough that you need to declare
once the love song is sung
you tie your love in a knot that will never be undone.

avenger

so, it seems i'm having some difficulty with my toes. my three middle toes on my left foot. the timing sucks considering we're leaving in a little over a week for a walking tour of cambodia. i think the source of the problem is just one toe, but the other two are emmulating the discomfort so it's difficult to identify exactly where the pain is coming from. it feels like they are badly in need of being popped. that the joint needs cracking, or possibly that i have a pinched nerve. i don't want to make a doctors appointment because i've been having too many of those lately, but if it persists i'll go after we get back. it's starting to dawn on me that i'm getting older. it's a bizarre feeling, but the reality is that our bodies do not remain the same throughout adulthood (even though i've always thought that was the case since puberty is over) and it makes sense that i'll suffer from some kind of toe problem at 30 that i didn't have at 25.

the weekend was a bit of a blur, so i didn't have time to write about our adventure at the monster trucks :D shanno and i had a great time. there were four big monster trucks, my favourite was brutus because it was a truck that looked like a dog. they drove over cars and even a full-size van. i have to admit, they are incredibly intimidating. i couldn't help be feel afraid whenever they reved really loud as they drove over the cars. it was an exciting fear though, one that was quite thrilling. the low-light of the evening is when we were forced to stand for the american anthem, it was not only awkward but they had us stand to support the US troops. we don't support the troops so that put us in the very uncomfortable position of standing for something we are opposed to, or sitting and causing controversy. we are not opposed to controversy but i think it's worthwhile to pick your fights so in the end we stood. i can't speak for shanno, but i felt shell-shocked and a bit in denial of what was happening.

saturday was the 5th annual skeleton park music festival. it was lovely as usual. i very much enjoyed the company of friends, and the people watching. the music was good, but the only band that really stuck out for me was cherry chapstick, they were fun and talented. i also really liked the japanese drummers. it rained for a little bit in the afternoon but we were nice and dry under the big tent. all in all it was a good day.

yesterday was our last day of special meals til the fall. it was really enjoyable as usual. when we got back to my house i was pooped so we just watched a movie and didn't really accomplish much. hopefully tonight will be productive. we have to organize the maxi pad to make space for brendan's things.

my sister is going to iron my dress for me and i put it in a bag to bring with me to work - so i could drop it off on my way home. but i left it by the door at home. i have horrible visions of the cats scratching it up or brendan looking in the bag when he goes to my house to do some organizing. man, i worry for no reason sometimes. blah blah blah.

5 more days! i can't believe it! i'm pretty excited.

trying to make the best of my time.

confirm

in two weeks brendan and i will have arrived in cambodia trying to get settled in and get our bearings. i've been a bit disappointed with how such an exciting trip has been overshadowed by the wedding. i usually count down to my vacations and spend ample time preparing to go away. since time is limited and we'll have approximately 3 days to get ready after our nuptials i've asked brendan if he can do some trip-related errands next week and i'm starting to compile a list of things to do. i'm very excited. i think brendan will be a great travel companion, he's very much like jill who i found was very easy to explore with. i'm looking forward to hanging out in the heat of the cambodian sun. to walking and listening. to eating local foods. to being so tired after a day of wandering that my feet hurt. and to having new smells surrounding me - every place has a unique smell. *sigh* i love that happy dirty feeling of vacationing. it's going to be loads of fun :)

this evening shannon and i are going to see the monster trucks at the k-rock centre. we think this is super funny and quite exciting. we're going to drink beer in a stadium full of testosterone. it will be a night to remember. i kind of like the irony of it juxtaposed with my upcoming wedding. not something most people do the week before their wedding, especially not 30 year old women. it's sweetly ironic.

then tomorrow is skeleton park music festival. that should be great. i hope sleep in just enough to have a nice lie in, but get up soon enough to fully enjoy the festivities.

while talking to brendan and referred to us as a family. i was joking around and said "well someone in this family has to...." i don't even remember what the rest of the sentence was, but after i said it i was shocked and kind of thrilled. as many of you know i have an aversion to the word 'family', i usually refer to our future together as a 'unit' because i'm more comfortable with that concept. but i suppose we will technically be a family, which is kind of neat! man, i've been experiencing so many things for the first time lately! it's fun because i love doing and experiencing new things :D

everything that happens is from now on.

skeleton

i'm standing in my bedroom listening to ohbijou on cbc radio 3. immediately after hitting play i regretted not staying to see them live. it was a tough call, i was feeling out of steam and my sensible self was telling me i should comply with my bedtime. i'll cross my fingers and hope another opportunity comes by again soon, i'm sure it will.

it was good walking home on my own. i rarely get those opportunities anymore. walking in the dark when all my headspace is taken up with reflection as opposed to forward thinking. i kind of want to make that a priority for next week. my 7 last days as lesley mcknight. really make time to walk and think and explore my inner self. i hope for the chance to write one big significant blog entry before our wedding when i'm home alone and full of inspiration. that will be important to me.

while i was walking i thought of 2 friends going thru a particularly hard time right now. how mysterious life is and how there's hardly any easy solutions. i wanted his problem to be solved easily and simply, perhaps that was too hopeful or naive of me.

today's underpants have front pockets in them. it's made me conclude that all underpants should come with pockets. just think of all we could keep in them! it would be so handy. i'm tempted to sew some into the others, but that's not going to happen.

i like the sound of the breeze outside my window. that sound is the reason why i love this season. well, that and many other reasons. i think there's part of me that fears losing the peaceful silence after i get married. but i shouldn't fear that. brendan loves the quiet more than i do, so i once we get used to have someone else present we'll probably comfortably settle into silence as well. for someone who enjoys natural quite so much it's strange that i most often surround myself with sound. i too quickly forget the calm and am wooed away by the sounds of lovely music.

she's the one who knows the sea,
so you'd better talk to her.

squish

hi.

things are going well. 10 days before the wedding. sarah and i got together last night and assembled some photos for the walls at the wedding. we did very well and got thru about 25 arrangements. i have a few more photos coming from a few of brendan's friends, but all in all i'm nearly finished that. *sigh* it feels good to be accomplishing things. my list of things to do has drastically diminished over the last week or two and i'm very happy about that. if all goes well, next week should be pretty straightforward and relaxing.

the thing i feel least excited about (read: awkward about) is when everyone stands up when the bride enters. man, that's going to be super awkward. no doubt i'll blush like a fiend. hm, it's just occurred to me, what's protocol? is the bride to look solely at the groom or is she to look around at all the guests? i think i would be most comfortable just looking at b, but i don't know if that's rude. any insight folks?

my cubicle at work is a mess. so is my car and my home. i'm going to dedicate much of this evening (as much as possible) to the tidying and cleaning of 330 york street. hmph. the biggest problem is that it doesn't take much to distract me from the job at hand. i rarely have enough time to really get into the swing of things to really make significant progress :S

yesterday i went to the dentist for my regular cleaning. it's not pleasant, but i'm glad i have coverage. it seems the future of my teeth will involve some sort of ordeal involving the extraction of 2 teeth and the insertion of one implant. i won't get into a lot of details because i know some people are squeamish when it comes to talk about teeth. all this to say... i need to floss more regularly. the hygienist suggested a routine that goes something like: floss on weekdays, take weekends off. that's an option.

i hope this song will guide you home.

cameraw

well, when it rains it pours. and i had many showers this weekend :p

on saturday night shannon threw me a surprise sexy time party. well... when i say surprise i mean it was supposed to be a surprise but my fiance isn't great at keeping secrets from me and for some reason strongly hinted that something was happening that evening. anyways, it was very fun. lots of lovely ladies were in attendance. we had some wine, we opened gifts, we played a game, we chatted, i helped bren boost her car battery when she'd left her lights on. all in all it was a full evening and i got home after midnight. it was really fun. i'd never had a shower before, so it was a really interesting experience. it's kind of humbling to have so many good friends under one roof giving me wonderful gifts in celebration of my upcoming nuptials. i was informed that apparently you're supposed to get rid of all your old underpants when you get married, so i was given approximately a dozen pairs of new bloomers. there was a sliding scale in terms of type of gift, some were over the top (like shannon's) and some were very practical (well... i suppose i could classify shannon's as practical too).

saturday was super busy. there was a work bee at next that morning, followed by joanne's birthday party. because of the poor weather jo arranged for her celebration to be at next instead of at the park, and invited gary j to lead us in salsa lessons. probably one of the best moments was when jo (purely accidentally) called out "grab your partner and get ready for some pole dancing!" hahahaha. it was hilarious she meant to say salsa dancing. too funny.

that evening was shower number 2. it was supposed to be a surprise, but joy is not great at coming up with legitimate excuses to surprise me, so i was on to her. however, i was quite delighted and surprised to see that many of my good friends who'd been at the shower the night before were at joy's place too. it was fun and people were once again very generous with their gifts. it's seriously very humbling.

so there we go... bridal showers: check. they are now crossed off my list of things i've never done before.

it's now only 12 days til the wedding. brendan and i were lying around yesterday and had a conversation about cold feet. we agreed that our feet were plenty warm. although, he does seem to be concerned that we're so wedding-focused that once it's over we won't have anything to talk about. i don't think that'll be a problem. it's safe to say that b is getting super tired of wedding stuff, he said (and i quote) "it's like death by a thousand cuts". it's wearing on my little introvert.

i'm super excited because the forecast is looking very good for this coming weekend - skeleton park music festival!! hooray! last year we got majorly caught in the rain.

suddenly the days turn into night.

wok

i was in toronto today for a photoshop seminar.

the day started off on the wrong foot. i'm convinced my alarm clock is conspiring against me. whenever i really need it to work it simply doesn't go off. i was pretty careful last night to make sure the time was right and that it was in fact set to go off. but i woke at 5:16 (my clock is intentionally set 10 minutes fast thankfully) instead of the 4:45 i set it for. i dashed to throw on some clothes and make it down to the train station to catch the 5:30 train :S i made it, but i'm still pretty peeved with my stupid alarm clock.

the seminar was good and i enjoyed myself. i was surprised at how much i learned. i'll review everything tomorrow at work so that i don't forget everything.

it was good being in the city on my own. i really enjoy the anonymity of taking trips – like that week i spent in montreal. i love not having email or obligations. i'm thankful that i get to have these business trips at least once a year. i think that down the road when i have kids it would be wise to still have these annual trips to the city by myself. it does me some good, and i felt ready to return again.

on both the way there and the way back i just sat looking out the window at the world passing me by. i didn't read, and i only listened to my ipod on the way back. on the way there, when i wasn't looking out the window i was trying to sleep (it was an early train). it was a good reminder of what it's like trying to sleep in transit. it was cold and uncomfortable, and i forgot my eyemask and my blow-up pillow too. i hope our flights to cambodia aren't unbearable.

well i should go. it's been a full day. talk to you soon!

my baby takes the morning train,
he works from nine till five and then
he takes another home again to find me waitin' for him.

spam

have i ever told you how i feel about the expression "take care"?

i hate it.

i hate it when people sign emails with "take care". it's always a bad sign. i've never had a "take care" go well for me. in fact, i think "take care" is the most offensive general salutation i can think of. it's deceptive in it's use of the word "care". it initally makes one feel positive, it seems like good wishes. but in my experience means "have a nice life". it seems to be used as finishing words, the relationship (whether formal or casual) is now over and they hope that you take care of yourself - FOREVER. i guess the offensive part comes from the finality of it. it makes me feel cut short, like they've had the final say, and often i have more to say, or want to leave the door open to saying more eventually. in a way, i like to finish my correspondence with an elipsis.... because one can never know when our paths may cross again. it feels presumptuous that the end is the end.

sometimes i want to give "take care" the benefit of the doubt. when i see it, i don't want to presume it's a bad omen, but i think too many negative associations with that phrase has ruined it for life. this is difficult, because it makes me presumptuous in return. it creatives a negative atmosphere where the other party probably intended positivity. i'm currently in correspondence with a nice lady over something i'm purchasing from her. everything i see the words "take care" i feel like "hmph! was that necessary??". but i'm trying to remember that "take care" is not a verbal slap in the face. it's odd that i even have to remind myself of that.

this time last year i came across some major military propaganda and it made me ill. it has resurfaced, and once again i'm sickened and left feeling like my head is going to explode. it's very similar to my gut reaction to discrimination. i'm just down right confused by it. i don't understand!

why can't we be friends?

mutually

good news!
my dear long-time friend melody is giving me a replacement cake stand as a wedding gift. she was given one for her wedding and is going to get me the same one. it converts into a punch bowl too! just wanted to let you all know in case you had the same idea :)

more good news!
brendan and i picked up a new bed from his mom's place yesterday. you may recall that we brought his double bed over to my place at the beginning of may. we gave away my single bed and he's been using a futon at the erb's place. BUT unbeknownst to him, the bed was very creaky and i just couldn't sleep on it. we were going to keep our eyes out for a replacement bed, but then nancy offered us their spare bed that they were getting rid of! it's really nice. we went to their place last evening to pick it up. we put the mattress in the back of my little suv and strapped the box spring on top of the car. it worked out really well because we have 8 bungee cords. so we got that all set up last night and i slept beautifully.

fun news!
i've also begun working on a "wedding standard". at next we used to do something called "the next standard", david and i were co-editors of it. it was like a church bulletin, only more wonky and artsy. i resigned back in 2008 when i just didn't feel i had the time for it anymore. i'd hoped it would carry on without me, but it hasn't. maybe we'll pick it up again some day, i think robb was interested in resurrecting it. anyways, so i'm making one for our wedding. i'd forgotten how much i love doing it. well... not forgotten exactly, i guess it's more that i haven't had the pleasuring of this kind of designing for so long that my senses feel awake again. i showed it to b last night and he loved it, but he loves everything i do, so that's not a huge indicator of it's quality. regardless, i'm very tickled and i think it will be fun and that our guests will enjoy it.

it's 18 days til the wedding. i booked an appointment for that morning at diva. i want to go for an hour massage the morning on the wedding. i'd hoped to go to a yoga class, but to be honest i don't think i'd be able to concentrate. so instead i'll go get a full-body massage so that i'm totally chilled and relaxed. i was planning on going at 10 til 11, but they were booked for that slot, so i'm going at 9. which kind of works out well because it gives me more time afterwards.

the world that i love bears your name.

trampoline

well... i had a very nice weekend. that being said, i had a very difficult time getting up this morning. that's always a sure sign that i'm in need of a vacation.

FRIDAY: i went to the brew pub with megan, because the boys were having a brother-bachelor party.

SATURDAY: i'd planned to do a bunch of wedding stuff, but ended up getting a lot less accomplished. we did however get a joint bank account set up, but i think they did it wrong, so we're going to have to go again later. maybe we'll just wait til july, there's no rush on that. we'd walked up to loblaws (where the bank is), and when we were finished it was time for caleb's birthday party. so instead of walking home for the car we just walked to joy's place. that was fun, then my dad drove us home.

SUNDAY: started off rough. the wheels fell off my day pretty quickly. nothing was fatal, just nothing went smoothly. it felt like everything was harder than it should be. andrew needed people to help with special meals, and i was struggling with my conscious because of my intentional decision to not do my regular things this month. so brendan went without me and i had a 2 hour nap :) when i got up i did the dishes and read my book. how lovely. that evening b and i went to see megan perform at the mansion. she did great as usual, her sound was extra rich because of her new amp. brendan has been mentoring me in the ways of beer, so we both had a pint. it seems b brings out the competitive side in me and i really wanted to keep up with him. sadly, whenever i'd chug to gain on him he'd casually raise his glass and in a few short glups pass me once again. when i was finally making some progress he swallowed the rest of his pint whole :( this being said... drinking a pint more quickly than usual left me rather tipsy, and b had to carefully take me home while i laughed at a sign that said "chinese food" and wiggled my bottom. oh dear.

all in all it was a very nice weekend. i'm crossing my fingers for a nice week too.

it's 19 days til the wedding. this is totally surreal.

the long farewell from the hunger strike.

wagon

at roughly 6:30 this morning i thought "i should put out my kitchen green bin on the curb" because it was fully and it's garbage day. so i grabbed the container from my counter top and walked away. within seconds i heard a loud crash and when i went back i found that my glass cake stand had fallen and shattered all over the floor along with 2 mugs, and another one that didn't break. i stood there stunned and my mind reeling. it struck me heavily that in a second something went from being to broken. i love that cake stand. i bought it at the sally ann with beckie for 10 dollars! it was such an awesome steal! i was so happy and every time i've used it i've felt so thrilled by it. i knew i'd be very sad if it ever broke. it was awful sweeping it up, and i wondered if the loud shatter woke the girls downstairs. it was really hard. and especially so because i don't know if or where i could get another one. i loved that stand - well at least as much as one can love an inanimate object. it was so lovely and beautiful.

if anyone see's another for sale some place please let me know. this is generally what it looked like. maybe if you see one for less than 20 bux pick it up for me and i'd pay you back :(

do you think it would be possible to order one online? do you think it would break in the mail??

oh man, this sucks.

thankfully i'm not too upset. i'm just super disappointed. i have my head screwed up straight enough to know that it's ok, that it's crappy but not earth shattering. there was part of me that wanted to just start crying as i stood amongst all the glass, but i didn't. i wasn't THAT attached to it. when things like that happen i try to tell myself that it can be replaced. i hate the idea of living in a replaceable world, but when it comes to things like that there's no sense in dwelling on it when if i just replace it then i can continue on and hardly miss a beat. deep down i feel like i always knew it was going to break. my things break a lot. i don't know if my things break more often than other people's but in general my kitchenwares have an expiry date. is it that i'm not careful enough? or do i leave things in precarious situations? i do recognize that had i cleaned it last night and put it away in it's proper place that wouldn't have happened. oh well. there's no sense dwelling on it.

there's a lot to be said for leaving things unspoken of.

fry

discrimination makes my brain hurt.
i seriously feel numb when i come across it.

like an ice cream headache.
i just don't understand.

warm

in the summer (and when i say summer i mean may-august) my life adjusts to a new pace. i get the chance to exhale and really enjoy a more relaxed schedule. usually. but this year i feel like my life is still moving quickly, and i'm finding myself holding on tight as life is whizzes by. it's hard, and i just want to get off this crazy merry-go-round before i throw up. it's difficult to know how much the wedding is contributing to my state of being. it's not too much to handle, and i'm not overwhelmed by it, but it's probably filling in some of my breathing space. i'm in need of a sabbatical. my sabbath rest.

i've been told by several people, most specifically by sarah, that being engaged is a very special time in one's life. we've felt a range of emotions during the last 2 months, but one thing we haven't done is really bask in this once-in-a-life-time experience. i really want the next 23 days to be fully experienced and fully enjoyed. this is a unique phase and i don't want it to just slip by without fully appreciating it.

so i've decided to go off the grid. not electronically, or even socially. i'm not going to become a recluse or disappear, but i'm going to make the conscious effort to let the month of june just be about our engagement, and let that be my first priority in terms of activities. i'm blowing things wide open. i'm giving myself permission to say no, i'm giving myself a break from regularly scheduled program. the only committments i have will be to casual social gatherings (trips to the brew pub, dinner with friends, catching movies at the screening room) and to wedding tasks. i'm gearing down. i'm changing pace. i'm really excited about this, i think it's important and something i'll be glad i did.

 

it occured to me this morning that i feel a great self-imposed weight on my shoulders. somewhere along the line i've adopted my commitments as my sole responsibility - at least in my head. it's like i feel the world will fall apart if i step back for a little while. i'm finding myself wondering... who will do this? who will do that? so i'm telling myself "breathe, it's ok". i'm not sure where this is coming from, because that kind of self-importance is just the kind of thing i consider frustrating. so in addition to breathing, i'm learning to exercise my trust muscles. it's about accepting team work from my community.

so i'm going to rest. one beautifully sweet nap of the heart. i'll wake up at the end of summer refreshed and smiley. it'll be good.

the moon's behind the moutains, sun's beneath the see.
a cloud that's crazy, you commit to memory.

epost

i'd forgotten how much i like my eye doctor. she's a super nice lady, so friendly and excited. she's just someone i like very much. i haven't been in for an eye appointment since 2004 - after ohip stopped covering eye exams (i still think that's stupid). but thankfully my new health plan at work will cover eye appointments.

doing an eye exam is neat. i like sitting there with the thing on my face deciding which is better lens one or lens two, and so on. i kind of feel like people who don't need glasses are missing out!

on the other hand, when they did the pressure test and blew a puff of air into my eye i was somewhat frightened. i startle easily and sitting there waiting in suspense for the puff of air was a little nerve wracking, and i'd jump with a start when it finally happened. not only was it a pressure test, but also a test of my will power.

my perscription hasn't changed a lot, but my astigmatism has progressed to the point that i could use toric lenses if i want. so she gave me a pair, and i'm wearing them right now. they're doing weird things to my eyes and i don't like it. i can't even describe it. all i can say is that the lower rim is drawing attention to itself. i don't know if they're too big or two small or what. i assume they're in the right spot because toric lenses have weights in them to line them up properly. i'm going to have to call and get some advise or a different kind. i think i'll go back to non-toric lenses.

one exciting thing is that dr beth said that technology has really improved since 2004 and contacts don't get as dried out. which is good because i can feel that my eyes are dry and she could tell just by looking that my right eye is too dry and i didn't even wear my contacts today! so hopefully this advanced technology will improve my eye quality and by extension my quality of life (i often have to go home from places early to take out my contacts).

tell me, am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

kin

brendan stabbed himself in the arm by accident at work. i arrive to pick him up to discover he has a wound in his forearm and needs me to drive him to the hospital. in a very domestic fashion i tell him that i have a cake in the oven and we'll need to stop at home to take it out before going to hotel dieu.

we spent 2 hours there. it was ok. time past fairly fast. when i got bored of reading we played madlibs. we had some good giggles the first time around. but on the second one, it just killed me! i was laughing quite hard when the doctor and resident arrived back in our space. my laughter closely resembled crying, so dr adam was quite concerned, while dr francis asked if we'd been smoking pot. as francis and adam addressed brendan, i hid behind him stiffing my laughs, which only made it seem more funny.

i'd guessed that he'd need 3 stitches. the triage nurse said "a couple". brendan thought that since she's a nurse and i'm a graphic designer that she was probably right with 2. but in the end he only had one. his clothes are covered in blood. the cut itself is only about 1 inch, but it was deep and gushy. this event may very well have convinced him that having a second pair of pants is not a bad idea. without them he's going to have to be all "risky business" around the house tomorrow. watch out rach!

it struck me odd today at the hospital that not only is the word "pants" plural, but we refer to them as a "pair" of pants. they're not a pair of anything. they're one. sure there are two legs, but when would you ever need just one pant, and you can't lose one they're not like a sock or a mitten. it's weird.

the first cut is the deepest.