claim

according to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy the answer is 42 :) i saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "do you know where your towel is?" and it made me very happy.

the book 'reading lolita in tehran' is the memoir of a literature professor in iran during the revolutionary years between the late 70s to mid 90s. she's struggled to find a place of belonging and purpose in a society that has deemed her "irrelevant". it's interesting reading her thoughts on intellectuals. having never been to university, i've never thought of myself as an intellectual. i'm not a particularly educated person, but what she's been saying, especially as one who has been expelled from her job for refusing to wear a veil, is helping me to understand that intellectual is not actually the same as being an academic. one can be an academic without being an intellectual, and vise versa. that being said, after giving it some thought i've found that it's neither here nor there. what's important, what makes a person truly learned or insightful it not the ability to answer all the hard questions, but rather the ability to ask all the right questions. whether politics, or world issues, interpersonal relationships or personal reflection, one needs to know what the key questions are to really find out the answer. what alarms me is when people don't bother to even consider what questions are pertinent. i feel like the world would be a different place if people stopped to thinking about the questions.

it seems that my weight-loss has reached a standstill or at least a slow crawl, which is ok. i haven't been monitoring my intake that closely these days and i seem to be remaining at a healthy and comfortable size. i'm content with that. my mid-year resolution has been a bit tricky since returning from vacation. i hadn't fully gotten the hang of my new routine before we went away and i've since fallen off the wagon. when i fall off the cleaning wagon it usually takes me a long while to get upright again. but i will soon enough.
 
remember when you had me cut your hair?
call me 'delilah' then, i wouldn't care.

garden

she hasn't spoken to me in two and a half years. two years? is that right?... yes... two and a half years.

i don't think she'd recognize me if she saw me today. my person, not my physical self. perhaps the same is true of her as well - that i wouldn't know her at all. and that it would be like starting over. only there's no starting, only over. it's funny that in this half-half decade (i suppose the correct term is quarter decade) i have not bumped into her in this small city. well, we've passed on the street once or twice, but we haven't exchanged words at all. that being said, if i know anything about coincidental timing (irony? serendity?), i wouldn't be surprised if we will cross paths very soon now that i've made this statement. i wouldn't mind speaking with her, just getting up to speed a little. having some polite conversation in the grocery store aisle, but i suspect her resentment will never cease and my name will never be erased from her black list. there have been times when b has seen her, or thought he saw her around town. but they don't actually know each other, he just knows of her, so there's no telling if he saw her at all or if it was another.

sometimes it seems that i am a piece of stone, that is slowly being smoothed out - turning me into what i'm supposed to be. i believe it was michelango who used to say that his scupture existed inside the marble already and it was his job to uncover it. in a way i think that's what life is. we spend our days uncovering ourselves from the raw material so that we can fully expose the beauty of creation. a new area of myself is being uncovered. in the process of being smoothed out kindness has started to emerge. perhaps i was not unkind before, but kindness seems to be taking over my life in a very tangible way. i have a desire to be kind, a desire to have kind interactions. to speak kind words, and think kind thoughts. this is extremely new for me, and it's taking me by surprise, probably because it's happening without trying. in considering this i've realized that kindness is the predessor of love. i dig love. it's definitely something i value. but i'm struck by the reality that unless i'm kind, love is not expressed and it's not experienced. it's pretty much impossible to be kind without being loving. while in contrast to that i can think of oodles of instances where love is declared but is not followed by kindness. unlike love, it can't really be faked - either i'm kind or i'm not. i'm looking forward to exploring this more. i hope other rough spots are smoothed over in the process.

 

sim sala bim on your tongue.

valley

i came across the question "what is beauty" the other day. this intrigued me since i could not come up with any kind of answer for quite some time. it's not that i can't think of things that are beautiful, but i couldn't identify how they earned that label. i've concluded that beauty is that which overwhelms me - an experience, an art form, a perspective, a formed thought, a moment. while it's true that people and nature can be beautiful, it's not they in themselves that make them so. just as everything else, it's the response they invoke in the beholder that causes them to fall into that category.

on friday evening sarah, rach and i piled into the butler's volvo and headed of to jordin's cottage. there's really nothing like talking in a car or talking around a campfire - as fate would have it,,, we had the pleasure of doing both. it was truly very lovely. we arrived home quite late, but in spite of that i felt quite full from rich conversation.

all the loose ends would surround me again.

heart-shape bite

i lost a loaf of bread. i bought it at the grocery store on tuesday, and can't find it anywhere. this probably means that i accidentally left it at the grocery store when i was packing the bags. how annoying. it extra sucks because i paid for it fair and square.

you know how 17-year-old brendan planned to have kids and more guitars by age 30? well... on tuesday he bought another guitar, so he's one step closer. his new white fender strat has a maple neck and is mexican-made. when he started his job at startek we calculated he'd need X amount of money for school and the rest he could use to buy a new computer. that being said, he soon decided he'd prefer a new guitar than a bigger computer. he already had three - one red electric, one red resonator, one wood acoustic. they're all different kinds of guitars and all emit different sounds. while i don't understand why one would need two electrics, i don't mind that he's bought another one. it makes his face light up like nothing else. for a little while he was toying with not getting one, he questioned the use of money on something he doesn't technically need. however, i encouraged him to since now is the time for such kinds of purchases - when he's young and has limited financial obligations. on tuesday after his first day of school he took the bus to renaissance to order his very specific guitar only to arrive and discover they had the EXACT ONE available on the floor. he's been perfectly gleeful ever since.

the weather had turned quite cold, but i'm kind of happy about it. i'm ready for warmer clothes and breathing in cooler air. i'm ready for the change of pace and the shorter days. i don't usually feel that way about fall. which in itself a nice change. it was a good summer, it'll be a good autumn too.

what's my name, what's my station.

library

*sigh*

i'm easily stressed out today. i'm not sure why. two things spring to mind and in both cases i know i'm going to disappoint people (which i hate doing) so i feel anxious about how i'm going to handle each situation. i'm sure neither are a big deal, but i haven't been able to shake it.

brendan and shanno start school today. i'm looking forward to hearing about how it went. classes start tomorrow, today is just an orientation. i printed out a copy of b's schedule and colour coded each class so i can "follow along at home". part of me wants a copy of shanno's schedule too :p i'm excited for them.

nancy and gerry bought a trailor at a park near mallorytown. on saturday we took a drive out there and spent the day with them. we had a lovely time, although i wasn't feeling great. i got clothes-lined by maisie's leash on my achilles heel, then almost immediately after twisted my other ankle on the stairs. for some reason the twisted ankle made me dizzy and nausiated, i was seeing purple spots and had to lie down. it took the rest of the day to feel normal again.

sunday brought us a family reunion with brendan's uncle's family. i'd never met them before, because the two families are not close, but they were in town for nana's birthday. it went better than expected and i quite enjoyed myself. they were more normal and down to earth than some members of my extended family. ben & meg managed to make it and every just cooed over audrey - it would be hard not to!

since we returned from camping, our back porch has been in complete chaos. to be fair, it wasn't that tidy before we went to bon echo. there was still supplies and items from our wedding that were waiting to be dealt with and put away. thankfully, since we were both at home we managed to tackle it and it really didn't take too long. that was a nice change since we haven't been able to tackle home organization together for months because brendan worked weekends. it's nice having him around again. to treat ourselves we orded a pizza for dinner :) when going thru some boxes, brendan found an old assignment he did in philosophy class. the teacher had them answer a bunch of answers then sealed the envelop and said they couldn't open it until 2011. we were pretty excited to discover it could be opened now, so we sat down to read what he'd written. it was pretty funny stuff - the contents of a 17 year olds brain. it was also very enlightening how he'd changed so much. back then he valued money and music above all else. now he values people/relationships and simple living. my favourite part was the "in 5, 10, 15 years i hope to be..." section. it made me laugh that he expected to meet his future life-partner in a grocery store. hahahahaha. by age thirty he thought he'd have kids and more guitars. hahahahahaha. i found the whole thing surprising and hilarious. brendan found it disappointing and poorly written. his answers were pretty self-indulgent and not as well thought out as teenager-brendan thought they were.

remember how i was telling you about my ambitions to go boot shopping?? well i found a pair! i looked at 7-8 stores at the mall and the riocan centre. these boots were at the second store i visited. they were exactly what i was looking for, and the cheapest too! i'm very pleased with myself. here they are. mine are chocolate brown. even though they were on sale, they were still significantly more than i planned on spending. brendan and i abide by a set budget that includes weekly spending money (i usually refer to this as my allowance). it's basically money ear-marked for general fun spending - restaurants, movies, clothing, books, music, concerts, etc etc. it's a pretty great system. it's nice having spending money built into our budget, it means no guilty spending! the reality is when we get to the end of our allowance that's it for that week. so i didn't want to blow my entire allowance, and then some, on my boots. so i've developed a payment plan for myself. for the next 3 weeks i will pay $22.50 towards my boots, which means i still have the rest of my money for other spending. this week we went to see the help and ordered that pizza. excellent! i'm quite pleased, it's a win-win situation.

 

love is the coal
that makes this train roll.

cloves

cooking is not something i'm particularly comfortable with, but brendan tells me that i'm a good cook. i've never been much of a foody, but it seems i'm turning into one. while this is taking place, i'm simultaneously becoming more interested in clothes. i've always felt that clothes are an important part of self-expression, but i didn't really pay that much attention to "fashion" (for lack of a better word). but this summer i've been enjoying the different variety of clothes i've been wearing, and the extra items i've picked up at value village and the freedom sale. with both clothing and food, i'm discovering that when it tastes good, or is comfortable and flattering, both are really quite enjoyable and change my experience. it's not even that hard. it just takes a little creativity and a little forethought.

today i'm excited because i have alfalfa sprouts on my egg salad sandwich (still really digging the sandwich lunch!). and after work (fingers crossed!) i'm going on a hunt for some inexpensive low-heel, knee-high boots for work and general outings. i'm a thrifty person, so i know it will be challenging to find a boot that i like and is inexpensive. i was looking online last night and found an awesome pair for $270 - which i couldn't bring myself to spend on a pair of boots even if i had that kind of spare money. both rach and jill found great boots at value village (oddly enough, they're actually identical boots, only bought at separate times and one pair is brown leather and the other pair is a greenish swade), i'm going to try there first but in my experience... it's almost impossible to find what you're looking for when you have something specific in mind.

last night we walked over to ben and meg's place to have a visit with them and audrey. meg's mom was there, and we really enjoyed getting to know her better. audrey was super lovely as usual. so cute. she's so tiny and her little hands and feet are adorable. i'm feeling a little rusty, after all it's been a while since i held a baby so when she cried i didn't quite know what to do. but i suppose all babies are different and what soothes one doesn't necessarily soothe another, so being rusty or not doesn't really have anything to do with it. maybe it's just confidence, it's probably fair to say that i'm not particularly confident with babies - especially other people's. whenever i babysat i felt more comfortable when it was just me and the baby instead of me, the parents and the baby. i really enjoyed sitting next to her on the couch, meg's mom and i would ooh and aww over all her facial expressions. she's so sweet. like candy :)

 

lost for you
i'm so lost for
you.

bulldozer

sometimes i'm influenced by other people's negativity. i think i wrote about this recently. the problem i'm currently struggling with is what if it's not just negativity, what if it's actually true. i feel the weight of her words, and i don't really disagree or anything i guess it's just i don't want to hear it - at least not in that tone or from that angle.

bren is a great example of speaking warmly. i've often witnessed her saying with a smile that her son is "a storyteller". it's made a big impression on me because in the cocoon i came out of the verbiage would've been much different, much harsher. i.e. "a liar".

i think the choice of words is coming from something deeper than simply being an optimist or a pessimist. it's not even a matter of perspective. it seems to me that it kind of comes from (excuse my word picture if you find it cheesy) an inner fountain. if your inner self, your fountain is bitter water - stale and toxic - that's what comes out of you - even if you're a optimist. and if the water in your inner fountain is clean, and pure, and unpolluted, than what comes out of you will be wholesome. it's health vs unhealth. not optimist vs pessimist.

at the moment i've been mildly polluted by some toxicity. it will take some time to flush it out of my system. that being said, i will try to encourage the process by trying to see clearly and lovingly at the situation. i'm not trying to look at it as a glass half full, but instead glass of clean water instead of glass of dirty gross water.

brendan's mouth is quite sore today. it sucks getting wisdom teeth out, but at least you only have to do it once. he made himself a peanut butter milk shake today from the paper of suggested recipes he was given. oh, that reminds me, i need to file his return or else we won't get our money back. the cost of teeth extraction has gone up in the last 8 years since i had mine out.

it's empty in the valley of your heart.

pass

my slightly younger husband got his wisdom teeth out today. 3 of 4 actually since he had one out earlier this year. the poor fella is lying on the couch at his mom's place at the moment after having a reaction to the local anaesthetic. he keeps throwing up. as i spoke with nancy on the phone i could hear him in the background saying "i'm fine". hm, maybe he's still a little spaced out :p i'm thankful that nancy is a good caretaker and is available to help him out today.

SO... more about camping. we were pretty well prepared for the week. last summer we had two overnight camping trips, which really prepared us for our week long venture. the only thing we were missing that we could've used was a hatchet. b brought along his machete that he bought in the dominican republic during his two month stint there, and while it was very useful at times, it couldn't be used as an axe. we tried. we've been home 3 or 4 days now and i still crave my daily dose of roasted marshmallows every day. i could go for one right now actually. we became very skilled fire makers, and had them a-roaring within a minute or so. very nice.

we slept til about 9:30 or 10 most days, and early afternoon we'd head out for either a jaunt into northbrook or to hike the trails. on wednesday, in the grocery store we were browsing the newspapers covers. it took me several minutes of browsing (wasn't looking for anything in particular) when the words "the day after jack layton's death" caught my eye. i was shocked! i ran to brendan across the grocery store and told him the news. we were kind of baffled and mildly frustrated that the paper was a bit vague on the details - we couldn't figure out which day he'd actually died and it didn't say. we decided to purchase the paper and take it with us for a more in-depth read. very sad. very very sad. i'm sad for his wife and canada. and yet, i find the outcry at his death to be quite positive. a lot of people care about the issues he stood for, and that's encouraging. i don't think people are going to bail now, they want to see jack's dreams come to fruition.

on sunday i was rather grumpy and restless. i realize now that it's because i was between books, without an audio book, and i ran out of yarn for my knitting project (i've never run out of yarn knitting socks before. i think they short-yarned me. i should be able to get one sock out of one ball). thankfully i remembered the legwarmers i tried starting a few months ago, the pattern was really tricky, but i've figured it out and it's fantastic! and yesterday i picked up the da vinci code on cd, so i'm a happy lesley once again.

 

you desired my attention but denied my affections.

bundle

we're home from camping!! actually we've been home since saturday. it's hard juggling 2 social media sites (pspd and facebook). i spent several hours uploading our summer photos onto facebook and adding captions. that sounds like a big endeavour but i honestly really enjoyed myself :) SO that means i didn't get around to making an appearance here.

camping was great. i loved it. there were a few skeptics who thought a week of camping was too much, and it made me wonder what we'd gotten ourselves into. but it was perfect, just what i needed. we stayed in hardwood hills campgrounds at bon echo. which is kind of like back country camping - deep in the woods. it was pretty empty, with very few other campers. in fact there was one night when there wasn't a single other camper in our section. that was neat but also a little creepy - it felt more noisy and there were more animals around that night. in spite of this, i really loved the reclusivity of it. on sunday it was rainy and the weather prospects were looking bleak. i didn't want to stay at home until it blew over. i figured if it was really bad we could stay at a motel that night. i just needed to get away from home. i love the maxi pad but there's always something that needs doing and i don't find it very relaxing on a holiday. so we headed out into the downpours, driving slowly on the highway, then north at the flying Js. however, around roblin we realized we'd left the bbq at home, so we had to turn around :S when we arrived home we grabbed the bbq and several other items that we forgot, and shoved it into the back of the car while massive raindrops fell on us. we got pretty soaked. the drive was much better and by the time we arrived at bon echo it was mostly just drizzly. we were able to get set up and make dinner, play scrabble then go to bed. the rest of the week was smooth sailing! but i'll tell you about it later.

all week long we called nancy to hear if megan had gone into labour yet. by friday it felt both more-likely and less-likely that anything had happened yet. BUT to our much delight we found out that our lovely new niece had arrived that afternoon :) we spent the rest of the evening thinking about her and talking about our excitement to go meet her. we packed up early on saturday and arrived back into town early afternoon. we went straight to the hospital to see her, ben and meg. she is just the sweetest sweetest thing. her name is audrey megan mclean :) she was so warm and both of us felt like we could just go on holding her and watching her little face all day. meg was doing well and ben was being a super helpful and already getting into dad mode with changing diapers :) it was a great conclusion to our vacation. usually coming home after holidays are kind of anti-climatic, but this time it was exciting to return home :) i feel super lucky to have yet another wonderful niece. and it's so neat to have a niece on the other side of our family. i think ben and meg will make fantastic parents and i look forward to watching audrey grow up.

 

you are the mother -
the mother of your baby child,
the one to whom you gave life.

pacifism

it's been a full week, and as i type b and i are getting ready to go on our first week-long camping adventure. i'm looking forward to it. i think camping will be fun, and this kind of trip is new for me. but i'm also looking forward to it since it will be a nice break from regular life and responsibilities. we won't have any email access for the entire week, so it will be a nice holiday from modern technology as well. i need a break from routine. i recently dreamt that i faked my own death just so i could take a road trip to niagara falls.

i found out on friday that i get to take a business trip to san diego in october for 5 days. i'll be attending and supporting a trade show there. it will be a great growth opportunity for me professionally. this is in addition to my 10 days in berlin. i'm pretty psyched, even though b is less thrilled. i feel like the remainder of the year is going to whiz by with various activities filling the months.

have a great week! i'll be thinking of you.

lead my to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life.

sriracha

i like that traditions are things that develop over time. to some extent they can be planned in advance, but for the most part the best traditions are those that come from natural origins.

so brendan's best bud has entered politics. at 23, robb is the new provincial green party candidate for the area, and we feel pretty darn proud of him. sure he's young, but he didn't enter this position lightly, and has been working with the green party for last few years - so he's very well informed. AND on top of all that, he's a super & smart guy. i read an article about in him the whig today. it was pleasant, and on the encouraging side of neutral. i was a little annoyed that it said that tuition fees is an issue close to robb's heart, since it implied that since he's young and directly impacted by it, it draws more of his attention. that's a false assumption. he's a well-rounded candidate and understand all the issues quite well. plus, i'm quite certain that the concern he has over tuition is not personal but rather a result of the exclusivity and how it impacts the broader picture. that being said, if robb specifically stated that tuition fees is an issue close to his heart than i take back my annoyance. as in my usual method of self-torture, i scrolled down and read the article comments. they were split down the middle between encouraging and spiteful. in fact, the very first commenter only said that he disagrees with everything robb stands for. which made me laugh out loud. how could someone possibly know EVERYTHING that another person stands for simply from reading a short 350 word article. brendan always tells me not to read the comment section of articles because they always upset me. he says anonymous comment sections are where the world goes to be mean. they're like verbal septic tanks. this time, i decided to comment in response. nancy is always saying that people would be less crule if they couldn't hide behind made up identities. so for the sake of being honest and transparent, upright and accountable i used my actual name. i have mixed feelings about this. stating any opinion leaves one open to attack, but you know... robb had an entire article written about him, and is entering a life of politics, so compared to that my online comments are a walk in the park.

today is brendan's last day of work at startek. while it feels like the last 8 months has flown by, it also feels like ages ago when we discussed the idea of him working at startek back in snowy january. i'm proud of him for what he's accomplished. for sticking with it even when it was not enjoyable, and for finding many things he did enjoy about working full time. in a lot of ways, no thanks to startek, i think it was a very changing experience for him.

sometimes it seems to me that humans are what ruins humanity.

you are not alone in this.

fly

the cbc aired a news piece about pain recently. a study has shown that pain is more bearable when it's controlled by the individual instead of someone else (such as a nurse or doctor). they've found that when people feel they have a choice about when they are administered pain medication they can actually manage the pain for longer lengths of time - compared to when they have to wait for someone else to make that decision. i find that very intriging. i'm currently undergoing a lengthy process of being diagnosed with a condition that causes excessive pain around the time of my period each month. since i've discovered this concept - that i can manage my discomfort by exercising my own empowerment - i've found i'm able to diminish my pain enough that it's not crippling. it's still there, but less so. i'm not saying i don't sometimes need painkillers, it just means that i can better determine when they are necessary instead of feeling desperate for relief. mind over matter. i can soothe myself.

i suppose that concept could work for many things: hunger, sleep, boredom, heartache. in a way... this shouldn't be a surprising discovery. people thrive when they are empowered.

 

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

naturalism

for andrew's birthday shannon planned a party for him, but unfortunately since it's summer most people were away so we were just a small gathering. one of the highlights was that we were told to all dress up as andrew. i was quite pleased with my costume - it required more effort than brendan's, he just wore a plaid shirt and a tool belt. i wore airwalk shoes (andrew has a pair of black ones), some long shorts with brendan's boxers (there was a big hole in the bum of the shorts so i needed to wear the boxers so my bum wasn't exposed. i actually found a patch for the shorts and ironed it on on saturday). my orange shirt that has a funny slogan on it (andrew often wears shirts like that) with one of b's two plaid shirts. i wore my glasses, a toque and a sticker that said "hello my name is andrew". then to top it all off i drew on a soul patch. it was fun. and i felt dressing like a boy was pretty comfortable - PLUS it inspired shanno and i to be much stronger when we were moving around heavy long tables. funny how clothing changes our ability. no doubt if i was all dressed up fancy like i wouldn't want to move around tables, much less be strong enough.

bren has this great skill at finding really amazing sites and blogs then sending them to people who are interested. yesterday she sent me two. the first one was a blog entry written by a girl saying that she's done the whole pro-life thing, pro-gay rights, pro-women's rights, pro-peace, etc etc. and has found that it would often make her anti the opposite. which she doesn't like. so instead of being pro causes, she's now pro people. i like that. i like people. i value people. i believe that there is something redeemable in everyone, so being anti any people group doesn't work. i can be pro-people. i can rally for people and always keep their humanness as the focus of my cause.

anyways, the other link she sent was to this online photo article about how kids live in different parts of the world. it reminded me a little of the 'babies' documentary. these kinds of glimpses into how other people live is important. they give us perspective. they give us a dose of reality that we don't get often enough. check it out (click across the numbers at the top or the arrow button). the world is full of extremes. i was left once again longing for everyone to have enough.

at the moment, for some undetectable reason, b and i don't have a lot of money for extras these days. but we have enough :) we've been scaling back to what we need this week and sifting out our wants. it's a good practice from time to time. having limited spending money can be fun. it makes me appreciative and be more careful with how i spend my allowance. it made buying my mumford and sons album even more fun. plus, we made andrew's birthday gift instead of buying, which turned out to be extra fun since it was a challenge and we had to be creative.

 

you can understand dependence
when you know the maker's hand.

metamorphosis

in a week we will be on vacation. being so close to holidays makes me worn, eager and anxious to take leave. i dreamt last week that i faked my own dealth so brendan and i could temporarily escape our reality and take a road trip. in the end we decided on driving down to niagara falls, but were ultimately found out and didn't get to go. it was an unsettling dream actually. one in a series of odd and unsettling dreams.

i'm finding that negativity tastes badly in my mouth these days, or rather my ears. i'm quite affected by negativity, it seeps into me and i can't shake it. it affects so much, because it's a perspective thing. two people can look at the same thing and one person can see something awful and the other can see something redemptive. i can't change other people's perspective, but i want to filter out negativity and speak out affirmation. there is always something worthwhile in everyone. *sigh* i think the key is to seek understanding. and when that fails... then to holding ones tongue.

this weekend, for the first time ever... i bought an album from itunes :D very exciting! bren teases me since i'm so old fashion, but i really like having cds! i listen to them at work on repeat til i'm ready to move on. but i concluded that i could burn it onto a cd. good compromise. anyways, so for my first album download i close mumford & sons. i've been wanting that album for a while. we sing many of those songs at next, so they hold some significance for me.

i struggle to find any truth in your lies.

pince-nez

you know... there are times when i have all sorts of things to say but don't have the time.

then there are times like right now, when i want to write but have nothing to say. i'm not inspired in the slightest. i've got nothing. c'est la vie.

 

the beard is the handsomeness of the face,
and a wife is the joy in a man's heart.

peaches

it seems that i've come full circle. i ate sandwiches every day from kindergarten to sometime in highschool. i grew to hate sandwiches, and have steered clear of them in the second half of my life. but unexpectedly i've started taking sandwiches to work again. i'm hesitant, i'm skeptical, which i guess is why i'm always careful to not eat the same kind every day or else i'll get grossed out and never want to see another sandwhich again. sometimes i use wraps, sometimes i use bread, sometimes i use english muffins. it's going very well, and my tummy seems to like it.

without intending to, the two books i'm currently reading (one reading, one listening to) are unexpectedly complimentary. which is odd, because i did not expect that a futuristic novel would parallel with a memoir from iran. 1984 and reading lolita in tehran are quite remarkable to read in sync. listening to 1984, the bleak tale is next to impossible for me to imagine ever happening. the sexual oppression. the arrests for next to no reason, the constant policing of people, the assigned clothing, the inhumane torture. and yet when i read about the lives of those in iran it's outragously similar. the reasons are different, but the treatment of citizens is the same. i suppose the two differences are that in 1984 they have telescreens and women are treated as equals. it makes me sad that dystopias actually exists.

 

never felt so foreign and free as before.

bookmarks

ok so after the show concluded on saturday night we quickly took the car and got in line at the ferry. there was a fair amount of time to get on and we waited for about 20 minutes for the midnight ferry. however, when the ferry arrived it loaded only about 10 cars before closing up and heading to kingston. we were about 3 cars from the ramp and watched in confusion as the apparently empty ferry left the island. there were still swarms of people on foot standing around the ferry dock. something unusual was taking place. the area was speckled with police cars, and when one officer walked past i asked him what was going on. he told us that the ferry had reached it's max of 250 occupients (mostly on foot) which was why it appeared so empty. he also mentioned that an ambulance had boarded at some point and they are required to take it over to kingston immediately, and that had impacted the ferry schedule. so we waited for the ferry to arrive in kingston then return to the island. it wasn't til about 12:40 that it returned, this time we made it on, but many people on foot were stranded yet again. we made it home by 1:45. we were all exausted and felt terrible come morning. what a day. it's funny how concerts on islands seem to be broken up into two phases: the concert and the ferry ride home. beckie was lucky to make it on the 12:00 ferry. i was glad for that since she had to drive back to her cottage that night.

sunday saw the much awaited baby shower for meg. there was a good mix of folks, which included brendan's crazy aunts. they are funny ladies, who were very entertaining. nancy created a lovely spread of food, and meg received many lovely gifts. it won't be long now. she's due in 12 days, but if she's late it could be until september 8. hopefully she'll come sooner than later. b and i are very excited about the birth of our new niece. i'm super curious about what they're going to name her, but don't want to know until she's born. meg almost let it slip at the shower, which always makes me giggle. baby mclean is due the week we're on vacation. if she's born when we're away we'll drive down to meet her. i only have another week and a half til my holidays! i can't wait! i'm looking forward to camping.

when i arrived home from work last night it took me a little while to notice that brendan trimmed his beard. he's been growing it since we were in ireland and it's grown quite long. he'd decided to grow it til he starts school, but thought he should cut it before we go camping. i was quite excited to see his new shorter beard. it looks kind of fuzzy or something. i have to say... i've been quite surprised to discover that his face looks different. it's as though he's been aging slightly underneath his growing beard and now i get a glimpse at the change. he looks very handsome. whoa whoa!

i'm being haunted by the ghost of the dead mouse.

 

it's nothing but time and a face that you lose.

droop

something gross happened this morning.

while walking thru our house shortly after i woke up, still mildly sleepy, i nearly stepped on a dead mouse. it totally creeped me out.

the cats were so nonchalant about it. my kitties are not kitties anymore... they're both big and grown up now - having taken the life of a small creature. i can't help but think differently of them. i'm not mad, they're cats and killing mice is part of their nature. part of me is glad because it means i don't need to set mouse-traps. thankfully they didn't have the smarts to bring it into our bedroom and drop it at our feet. i'm also thankful that they just ignored it after they killed it instead of slicing it open or eating it. they were quite alert this morning as though there was static excitement in the air. both walked around with a hint of new confidence. sometimes i try watching them to determine which one struck the final blow. i suspect it was honey, but one can't be sure about this.

honey and pekoe are more sheltered then their predecessor fru - i'm not sure why because i treat them the same as him. fru was more urban and edgy. i'd say they're soft and naive - like suburban teenagers.

i have this weird thing about deadness, that i halfway expected the mouse to come back to life at any moment. same with my dead fish when i was a teenager. i didn't like to use the same toilet they were flushed down because of the thought of them swimming back up the pipes and into the porcelain bowl. i suppose this paranoia stems from an extreme lack of experience.

i'm reminded of working at KGH. they'd say "the mouse is expired".

it's odd to overhear my colleagues talk about harper and realize that there's a slight fondness in their voice. anyone who calls him "prime minister harper" with a straight face, and is not being ironic, might as well wave a harper flag.

 

you sprung me, i'm grateful.

jones

so we went to this little thing called the wolfe island music festival. it's this funky little festival ranted within the top 10 best music festivals in canada... but you know... no big deal :)

i woke up at 7:30 that morning totally well rested and excited about the day. there was a lot to get ready since we were both vendors and festival goers. we arrived at the ferry just before 11 which allowed us plenty of time to be in a safe position for boarding. shanno, b and i set to work setting up our dinning tent to house the la tienda merch, and very soon had the best looking booth there :)


being vendors allowed for many opportunities to get to know other festival goers. at least two separate people came up to us and asked if it was the same la tienda from dominican republic because they'd spent some time volunteering their themselves. it was great having b and taylor there since they'd both spent time in D.R. themselves. i hadn't really expected brendan to help out at our booth but he did and seemed to really enjoy himself. meanwhile shanno and i sidewalk chalked the road encouraging people to come check out our booth and support the women's art coop.

business was steady, but not nearly as busy as i'd expected. i thought we'd easily sell out, but people were less interested in the booths than i thought. i suppose it stands to reason that they were there for the music, but for me the vendors at part of the festival. i was also surprised that the fact that the merch was made by women escaping poverty didn't seem to interest people. sometimes i forget that being informed and being concerned about poverty isn't a natural part of everyone's day to day thoughts. in a way it made me sad to realize that many folks are in their north american bubble and care little about the hard lives of others.

speaking of people who care about those who are poor... brendan randomly bumped into a franciscan monk. before b met him, i saw a man in gray robes but didn't clue into why he was dressed that way. i honestly didn't think twice about it. brendan is a HUGE admirer of st francis of assisi, and has been wanting to meet an franciscan monk for a long time. this is again something i forget is not considered normal behaviour. most folks don't look-up to dead saints who took vows of poverty. but i love that brendan does and fully support him. because of him i also have a soft spot for francis and think he was on to something worthwhile. anyways, the monk's name is gabriel. he had a super long beard and looked as though he was in his mid to late 30s. he wore a plain gray robe with a thick rope to keep it together. he was in the area visiting his brother and sister-in-law, and was very kind to talk with brendan about his life as a monk. it was very cool and it made us all giggle with delight seeing b with his completely counter-cultural man.

we packed up our booth around 7 and enjoyed the rest of the bands from a blanket on the grass, and also while standing up close to the stage. it was a great night and the air smelled sweet.

there is more to tell but i'll save that til tomorrow :)

when we go down, your loss of courage,
when we go down, you're so ferocious.

a murder of crows

i suppose it was bound to happen some day. and why not when i'm 31... i have a loose tooth.

i have a baby tooth. my corner tooth. it's always been very sturdy and showed no signs of leaving. but my dental hygienist keeps telling me to be careful with it because baby teeth don't have very deep roots. for some unknown reason, in recent years my adult tooth has "erupted" behind it which means it's come thru the gum. it's not really a big deal. it's not visible and i've gotten used to it.

anyways, my baby tooth has been sore for the last few days. so i decided to give it a slight little jiggle to see if anything happens and i've discovered that it's loose. i have a loose baby tooth.

this isn't good. my dentist keeps saying they can easily fix it with braces. and i keep thinking "i'm not getting braces". not only is it because it's expensive AND i'm 31 (well past the braces phase in life), but back in 2006 i visited kenya. when i was there i saw a woman who had one tooth. just one. i have all my teeth, soon i may have one less. i am grateful for my teeth, and i'm committed to taking care of them. that being said i'm ok with not undergoing the long unpleasant process of braces to fix one tooth. the rest of my teeth are fine and in my mouth. i don't know what the alternative may be. a bridge? an implant? an empty spot? not sure yet. being my corner tooth it'll be pretty obvious that a tooth is missing. i don't want to feel self conscious of my smile. thankfully i have benefits thru work, so some of the expenses will be covered.

 

choose the brightest future.

saucer

i taught brendan to sew a few evenings ago. actually, this was his second sewing lesson. even though i taught him once before he'd forgotten everything and we had to start from square one. he has a pair of pants that's seams unravel from time to time. it's a very easy repair job, and is the perfect opportunity for teaching a life skill.

i don't believe in gender roles. maybe it's because i was raised in a home where my dad could cook and my mom could not. maybe it's because i spent my teens in a single-parent home and had to tackle all the husband responsibilities. maybe it's because i was single for the majority of my twenties, living alone having to fill all household tasks myself. maybe it's my strong willed nature and my desire to be fully capable even if i don't need to be. regardless, there has been no gender distinction in the lorimer bedroom project.

from day one, brendan and i have not fit many/major gender stereotypes. with me being just shy of a decade older than him, it's nearly impossible for our relationship to follow predefined paths. when we were first married i worked full time while he maintained our home. he's a great cook, he's much tidier than me, he enjoys vacuuming. i taught him about car repairs, oil changes, and how to drive stick. it's like cross-training. i think this makes us well rounded, and stronger both together and as individuals.

so when it became clear that his pants were in need of some attention it just seemed natural to teach him how to sew instead of sewing for him. there's no reason why a grown adult shouldn't be able to sew their own pants as long as their fingers all work properly. obviously i would not flat-out refuse, and i'm sure there will be occassions when he'll need my help mending clothing, and i'd help him out for sake of time, etc. i'm not opposed to nurturing him or taking care of him, but it usually manifests in different ways. i help him out with details and plans that he forgets or overlooks. i pick him up special treats when i grocery shop that i know he'll enjoy. i pick him up at work instead of him taking the bus. i print him out directions to venues when he's performing out of town and write him little notes in the comments box. but when it comes to sewing i prefer to give him a life skill instead of giving him a repair job. i very much ascribe to the "catch a person to fish and you will feed them for a day. teach a person to fish and you will feed them for a lifetime" philosophy.

so he got out a needle and thread and set to work. it was tricky. his fingers are big and somewhat bulky. when he struggled i encouraged him that it he's able to play strings on a guitar he can manage a sewing needle. sometimes my teaching methods hindered more than helped. sewing is so easy to me that i would show him once and expect him to know how to tie a knot at the end of the thread. i'll try to take it more slowly on our inevitable third sewing lesson. in the end he stitched up that seam and felt rather pleased with himself. i'm proud of him :)

 

i saw the sky in you, what do you see in me?

gelato

brendan quit his job today. or at least handed in his two weeks notice. wow. it's hard to believe the end is arriving.

it's funny how we climatize to our environment. back in may or june i was so excited to have taken the big comforter off our bed because it is summer. but for the last few nights we've gone back to our winter duvet. it's just so comfy.

for jo's shower tonight i bought her condoms from the dollar store. this is hilarious to me. i should probably include a cautionary note on them. also at the dollar store i got her a pregnancy test and an ovulation cycle tester. all things i didn't know could be purchased at dollarama.

i'm pretty excited about this coming saturday. it's wolfe island music festival. not only does it have a super stellar line-up, shanno and i are vendors! we're selling la tienda merch. i think it's going to be a real hit and we'll easily sell out. it's the right venue, right price, and right merch. i'm very excited about this. i feel like i'm introducing two great friends who will click instantly - women's art coop... meet music fest goers. music fest goers... meet la tienda. i'm yenta and it's a perfect match!

 

my mid-year resolution seems to be turning me into someone who is tidy.

 

i slept through july.

marble

i first met beckie in 2005. she'd just returned from living in northern quebec. she lived in kingston for one year, then returned to the north - this time baffin island. we haven't lived in the same city for 5 years, and even when we did it was just a short time. and yet, we've maintained our friendship, enjoying visits and trips, festivals and overnights. on saturday i visited her at her cottage. it was perhaps the first time we've spent together just the two of us in a long time, and it was really great to have that time together. she's a very low maintenance friend, we don't really have to do anything. we mostly sat around chatting, went swimming, ate some food. we have our share of differences, but accept those differences pretty easily. i drove home at dusk, driving winding country roads, listening to the same album as i always do when i return from visits to her cottage. it was a great drive, the great end of a great day.

she gave me verbal instructions on how to make iced tea. so sunday was filled with drinking homemade iced tea while i scrubbed the pad with baking soda, listening to a classic futuristic dystopic novel. i scrubbed and scrubbed parts of our kitchen i thought were beyond help. i rearranged the photos on our refrigerator. it was an incredibly relaxing day, and i felt very content.

it turns out the iced tea was not decaffinated as i thought it was. i didn't realize this until 2 am last night while i lied in bed feeling not an ounce of tired. i'll have to start making it with decaf because i really really like it. it's very subtle.

holidays are the only days i have to share with brendan since our schedules are not complimentary and we don't share days off. i wanted to do something special, to make use of the occassion so i surprised him by taking him to the aquatic golf range in collins bay. he was quite delighted by the surprised. i'm not much of a golfer but i find whacking the golf balls very fun. i prefer the golf range to regular golf. b feels i have potential as a golfer since i have a decent swing. we're planning on going more often since we both like going and it's not very expensive. i tend to get blisters on my hands from the club, so i may need to invest in a golfing glove.

now that it's august, life is suddenly full of anticipation. wolfe island music festival this saturday. joanne's bridal shower this wednesday, meg's baby shower on sunday, brendan quitting his job, our week of vacation, our niece being born, b getting his wisdom teeth out. full full full. much to look forward to.

 

when you walk, you move like moses.

thunder

the tree of life is probably one of the most confusing films i've ever seen. i can honestly say it was the equivient to watching a foreign film without subtitles. that's as much of the story that i was able to decipher. all that being said, it spurred a lot of discussion between b and myself on the way home.

i've taken to watching a lot of 'how i met your mother' online lately. in fact, i've taken to staying up to watch it after brendan goes to bed. this makes him grumpy. but that does not diswade me.

after a year of feeling uncomfortable in my body, and a year of my clothes not fitting as they are intended to.... i've emerged from that phase feeling more than comfortable - pleased even. what a relief. i'm not quite "there" yet. my BMI calculation still says i'm A LITTLE overweight, but i don't feel overweight though, and i feel that's more important. it's been a neat process. watching my clothes go from tight to loose. in the last 9 months i've learned a lot about food, and intake, and balance. i've learned to avoid foods that have little to no nutritional value, and a sometimes simply consume less. i think i've been changed by this experience, and as a result feel confident that i will be able to avoid weight gain in the future. that's a relief :)

i read a quote in my book the other day that really struck me... "poshlust is not only the obviously trashy, but mainly the falsely important, the falsely beautiful, the falsely clever, the falsely attractive". it made me feel concerned that we live in a world that can no longer decipher the difference between what is false and what is actual. we've accepted the artificial for so long that it's accepted as the norm. i think we're selling ourselves short.

 

day two of my morning chore routine is going very well. i even went on to do the dishes too! yay for mid-year resolutions!

this rubbermaid's had better days.

victorian

my mom spent her teen years living on the coast of england. i literary mean ON THE COAST, the sea was right across the street from her home. her parents owned and operated hotel there. i've written about this before actually. one of my earliest entries: harry potter and the sexual innuendos. what a fine blog post title, if i may say so myself :p anyways, she was an unpaid maid in her own home/hotel. and as a result is very very conditioned when it comes to housework.

(allow me put this thought on the back-burner one moment.)

so as i'm trying to do small steps towards tidy living, in order to avoid chaos, i came up with great idea.

(original thought back on front burner).

due to my mom's deeply ingrained housekeeping lifestyle, she cleans the bathroom each morning - or at least the sink. so i paired that with my small tasks idea and have decided to make cleaning one item in the bathroom as part of my morning routine. this way it's just one small thing at a time, and its done and out of the way by 7 am. this morning i scrubbed the tub. i felt very satisfied, and even now as i sit thinking about scrubbing the tub before leaving the house, i feel a great sense of satisfaction. i hope i'm able to keep this up. some days will be easier than others, for example tomorrow i just have to wipe down the mirror. easy!

beckie is back in english-speaking canada for the next couple of weeks. she joined us for dinner last night, then we went out to browse thru english books at indigo. i like her. life just feels best when she's around. as we drove home i felt super content. i like that i feel completely comfortable speaking and being silent with her. i'm very grateful that she and brendan get along well. saturday i'm going to drive up to her cottage for a day of country life. we'll probably read books separately on the dock or go canoeing or play board games. lovely.

 

she feels uncomfortable in the clothing of her ancestors.

doily

after a year on the bench, i was called back in to donate blood. our trip to the south pacific disqualified me for one year, but now i'm back on track. in the past the nurses have had difficulty finding my veins. my mom has that problem too, and nurses often have to resort to taking blood out of the back of her hand instead. the nurse yesterday told me that my veins are very small and the needle is very big. in fact, the needle is the same size of my veins, which makes it very difficult. that being said, they did find one that worked well and managed to get a complete pint of my body. one time they were only able to fill half a pint. my lean and handsome 'band has the most beautiful veins i've ever seen. they expose themselves, raised on his arms and hands like lines on a map. no doubt he could give blood very easily, but has not, as of yet, developed the proverbial thick-skin to stomach even the thought of such a procedure. in the meantime i will enjoy all the juice and cookies i want. apparently i'm the brave lorimer with my tiny veins and low iron :p

being at the clinic reminded me of all the things i look forward to doing some day when i'm retired. maybe if i'm lucky before then. i'd totally volunteer at the blood clinic. i feel that it's a good sign that my life is at a good pace when new activities appeal to me. that i have the energy to take on projects and enterprises.

i picked up a copy of reading lolita in tehran at value village the other day. ferrence suggested it to me years ago, so i thought i'd give it a whirl. within the first chapter i was hooked. it's so beautifully written. so wonderfully engaging. it is a nice change from the tragic and impersonal great gatsby. i didn't mind the great gatsby. it just seems incomplete. like entire sentences were missing. characters would arrive and depart without mention. significant plot happenings would take place without my notice because they were subtly suggested rather than out rightly stated. i was reading about it on wikipedia after, and finally pieced together what exactly happened at the end. it wasn't a bad book. i'm definitely glad i read it, just very vague.

you know what's amazing? the thesaurus. frig... it's partly cool just because it sounds like the name of a smart dinosaur. but mostly it's simply cool because it essentially defines a word using one single other word. i write a lot for work these days. newsletters and brochures. i really love it - writing for work that is - and find myself referring to the thesaurus constantly. oh thesaurus, you are one fine device.

after hearing in detail the story behind the guess who song "american woman" i was a little startled at how little has changed in 30+ years.

 

i don't need your war machines,
i don't need your ghetto scenes.

muskoka

at the grocery store i've taken to scoping out abandoned grocery carts for quarters. then i return them properly and reap the rewards.

it seems that i'm in a new phase of life. not because i'm married, but because i'm 31 and life has stablized. in my mid-twenties life was much more transient. because of this, i was constantly on the brink of many things, including many new friendships. as the years have gone by i've matured into lasting friendships and now seem to be past the phase of making new pals (or at least many in a short period of time). i'm very happy with my friendships, they are rich and meaningful. and i would not trade this phase to go back to the beginning. i suppose in many ways friendships are like romantic relationship. the way they change and grow. they are novel and exciting at the beginning, then mature into something beautiful and deep. this phase in life is new to me, and the part of me that is used to constant change is feeling displaced and a little bit lost. i'm not accustomed to maturing in my home, job, friendships; so i feel a little out of my element. part of me feels no longer novel and truth be told i feel a little bit threatened by those who are. i'm not proud of that, but it's my instinctive response. i suppose i'm still immature in my maturity. i'm not quite ready to be arrived yet, in many ways i feel like i'm still just arriving - or at least feel like i should still be arriving. i've lived in the maxipad for 5 years already. it simultaneously feels like home and like recent a new discovery.

b and i watched the godfather part 2 last night. when we first started dating he was shocked that i haven't seen the godfather or the rocky. i like it when i go to classic video and for our 3 for 5 bux deal select 3 completely different films. this time it was... walk on water (a hebrew/german film), the godfather part 2, and anchorman :D

do you remember the time when i shared about the cool crowd at work and me feeling ostrosized by them? oddly enough, pretty much every since i wrote that entry things have been getting progressively better. they even make small talk with me. one girl asked about my weekend! that was nice, i appreciated that. i've kind of concluded that (some of them) are more afraid of me than i am of them. they don't quite understand me (someone who prefers spending time alone at lunch, is not trendy and doesn't share their collective hair-style) and as a result they don't really know how to interact with me. one by one they're figuring out that i'm just a regular person. that's nice. i'm glad things are getting better.

 

let the silence settle in our bones.

quarters

rumour has it that knickers eloped. this has yet to be confirmed. regardless i'm rather amused by this news.

the freedom sale at next turned in to a great opportunity to chat and get to know people better. sales were a bit slow, which allowed for ample time to visit. i left feeling like i knew a handful of people much better. it was a great day to be outdoors and left me feeling fully satisfied with my use of a summer day. i snagged a number of handy things at the sale, plus a few fixer-up-ers that are coming together really nicely after a few coats of paint and some T.L.C. i sat out on the balcony painting and listening to my audio book, growing increasingly frustrated with the motorbike festival taking place across the street. at one point they seriously had a "revve your engines" competition that was so loud i couldn't hear the sound of the book reading right beside me. on the whole, the patience of the neighbourhood was greatly tried over the full week of bikefest. ugh.

shanno and i ventured over to the new leo lefleur waterpark yesterday. it was super fun! the water was a little chilly at first, but it was nice once we got used to it. we were there for a full 2 hours :D the lazy river (which wasn't particularly lazy, so when i told brendan about it later he said "sounds more like a lazy rapid") was really fun, it was so crazy and a little confusing! i also went down the big big slide! it was a little bit scary because i was waiting to hold my breath for the water at the bottom but had no way of guessing how close i was to the bottom. it reminded me of luge.

my trip to berlin has been pushed back by approximately 2 weeks to accommodate another (more important) meeting taking place the week we were supposed to be there. these new dates fall in mid-december and mean that i'll be in berlin on my 32nd birthday. that will be neat, and very memorable!

you may or may not recall that i've been taking a sales marketing writing course by correspondence. it's gone very well and i've enjoyed it a great deal. while i've always enjoyed writing and obviously feel a compulsion to write frequently, i didn't realize how much i would love writing professionally. i'm starting to wonder if i find it more satisfying that graphic design. it's hard to say because it's something new, meanwhile i've been designing for 10 years. anyways, i got my final mark today... 95% to be fair, it was an easy course. however i don't want to downplay my own success, so i'm pleased. i did very well :D

brendan helped me take my stitches out last night. in fact, he took them out while i squirmed and whined. it was creepy and gross. my toe seems to be healing well, it had got to the point the any remaining discomfort was the result of the stitches and not from the cut itself. i can walk normally again, which is great :)

all of these words whispered in my ear.

fake meat

you know the adage of "be yourself"? it's a positive message and one that is very affirming. however, i'm beginning to wonder if it's a flawed mantra. let me explain...

i can think of a handful of movies, perhaps even more, that tell the tale of an uptight woman who learns to cut-loose and enjoy life. i wonder sometimes if 'who we are' can actually box us in and make us unintentionally miserable. the control-freak who is in bondage to her own order and routine. the pack-rat who is bound by his own clutter and chaos. i guess we're all in some ways our own worst enemy. it makes me think again of moderation. everything in moderation.

one of my favourite things about the new year is that january provides a fresh start. an opportunity to channel my efforts in one area that needs change. this year i planned to learn to eat smaller portions, and i have. now it's july and i thought "why not create a mid-year resolution?" it would help me take another bite out of the horse of life. i've decided to take little mini steps towards undoing my own chaos. brendan tells me that there's no such thing as a kind of tidy. you are either tidy or you're not. you put things away or you don't. but i beg to differ. i can put SOME things away and leave others misplaced. if i try to eat the horse in one big gulp i will choak. SO my first plan is that i will change the toilet paper roll immediately instead of placing a new roll on top of the old roll. AND (??), AND (!?!) i will try to put my clothes in the drawers. but that's a big 'AND'. maybe i should start by putting just my shirts in the drawers or something. then when i conquer that i'll move onto pants. when i fall off the wagon with these types of things i REALLY fall off the wagon, so i don't want to push myself too close to the edge.

andrew and shannon invited us to the house that they're sitting last night for a bbq and bonfire. we made delicious smores and watched the flames under cover of night. i liked that when it was time to go andrew used the garden hose to put out the fire :D we're going camping in one month tomorrow, and i can't wait!!

 

shake your hips move your feet.

kickstand

ok... exciting news!!! i'm going to berlin this november on business. now, in the past i've been invited to berlin about 3 different times (our headquarters is there), but knickers would never let me go. BUT emma is the exact opposite. she said that marilyn and i must attend the meeting or the rest of our team won't go either :) so we're all going - yay! we'll be there for the whole work week and will travel on the sunday and return on the saturday. marilyn and i may extend our trip a few days on our own dollar so we can do some fun touristy stuff. wow, this is going to be so rad. we'll get to travel business class and have our expenses paid :D i haven't travelled on business since 2008, so this will be a nice change. i'm quite delighted that i'll be going overseas again this year :D it will be something fun to look forward to in november.

all that being said... i will miss my b - we've spent one single night apart since we were wed. and i hope he won't be too lonesome in my absence. last time i was away for a week (trip to cuba) he was pretty miserable. BUT he'll be in the thick of school by then and will be quite occupied. plus, we've been together longer and spending time apart may be more comfortable by then.

we saw deathly hallows part 2 last night. it was great. but man oh man... was it stressful! i'd have to say i was stressed out for about the second half of the film. i'm toying with the idea of re-reading the books. they are so clever and complex, and yet entertaining and fun. my only reluctance is that it's a big commitment, and i'd want to read it in order. beckie has always been able to pick up any of the books and start reading, but i don't want to miss anything so i'd need to start at the beginning.

i got 1984 on audio book yesterday. i'm quite pleased. i'm really enjoying audio books. especially when its a book i'd never read in real life.

our cats have fleas :S i found one this morning. they're indoor cats so they shouldn't get fleas! except they go on the balcony, and i suppose fleas get around. ugh. i'll have to pick up some anti-flea stuff asap.

my toe is on the mend. i'm still limping but i think that's more to do with the fact that i usually need to crack the toes on my left foot every morning to pop them back into their joints, and i haven't been able to do that.

 

let it sunshine on my mind.

thrive

i passed a fiat on the way into work today. it was from new york state. this made me happy. i like the idea of fiat entering the N.A. market.

adaptability didn't used to appear on my radar but it's starting to grab my attention. it seems to me that cultural and personal adaptability is an important part for growth. to not only learn to do things differently, but to see the value in changing with one's environment. being unwilling or unable to adapt can be dangerous and detrimental. i know i'm not the quickiest adapter, it takes time but i get there. like with most things, i'm a bit of a late bloomer. i bloom at my own pace but get there eventually. i dunno. i feel these things are particularly pivotal in issues like politics and religion. when people don't change with and adapt with new information and new eras they're just asking for trouble. begging for it. because new expressions and perspectives grow and swell under pressure and will eventually explode under a glass ceiling of oppression.

she might break eventually. she's not an adapter and is trying really hard to fit everything in the comfortable box of status quo.

world view is a big factor in things like adaptability and acceptance. i just finished reading (aka listening to) a thousand splendid suns. it was shocking. it was honestly jaw-dropping. the oppression was unreal and illogical. as i think about it i feel slightly suffocated, it's enraging. i'm super grateful that i live in a place where, as a woman, i have the freedom to walk down the street without a male relative, have a job, and access medical attention.

 

you slept in your overalls.

lapidary

last night was stinking hot. the heat kept building pressure then finally errupted into a massive thunderstorm. while i get that sleeping in excessive heat is unpleasant, i can't help but really enjoy it. there's something special about coping with extreme heat (or extreme cold); i like that it makes opportunities to create memories - "remember the time we slept head-to-toe in the bed because i found it easier to sleep closer to the fan?" i remember sleeping on the floor of our hallway when i was a kid because we had one big square fan to blow into all three rooms. i remember in my first apartment i had to shower twice a day to keep cool and i tacked a towel over the door into the corridor so that i could get a cross-breeze. i don't remember moderate weather. i remember nights that are so hot that i don't need any covers and i lay splayed out on the bed. these are my favourite nights. this is in part why i love summer so much. it's not so much about comfort, its about doing things outside the norm in order to find comfort. running thru the sprinklers at the water park. wearing unusually revealing clothing - if any at all! doing nothing all day but lie on the balcony listening to an audio book along side the kitties.

yesterday i glanced over at honey. she was lying on her favourite chair with this look of complete and utter contentedness. it made me happy. in the winter she often whines and scratches at the patio door pleading to be let outside. sometimes, to prove a point, we open the door and let her experience the cold and the blowing snow. she then looks crestfallen and whines some more. when i saw her face yesterday i knew that... right there, her lying in the sun with the summer breeze blowing over her... THAT was exactly what she longs for.

i know that summer is not everyone's favourite season. which is fine, to each their own. but it's mine.we are in the deep and thick of the season i love. i am most at peace in the summer. in a season like this it's almost impossible to feel anything other than everything is going to be ok.

 

barefoot on a summer night.

jugglers

last night we were supposed to go for a walk, but we left it too late and i was tired so b went on his own. he likes walking, it makes him feel grounded and revived. i like that about him. while he was out i thought i'd help myself to a bowl of sherbet. as i closed the refrigerator behind me a glass pitcher fell from the top of the fridge, hit the counter then fell to land on my foot and shatter. the pain was unbelievable. similar to an extremely stubbed toe. i wondered if the toes were broken. i tried to be brave and not freak out so i went into the living room to sit down. as i tried to calm down i noticed it was bleeding and dripping onto the carpet. i was so sad that brendan was not home, both to help me but also because i knew he would be upset that he wasn't there when i was hurt. i hobbled into the bedroom and updated my facebook status to "Lesley McKnight Lorimer is bleeding all over but brendan is out for a walk and can't help me. a glass pitcher fell of my foot." when i was finished typing i discovered a large puddle on the carpet so i called my mom. she encouraged me to get a cloth to stop the bleeding, and offered to come help me. but she lives in amherstview and b would probably be home before she arrived. i decided to try calling bren. but it was late and i got the answering machine. once i hung-up from her the phone rang and it was meg offering to come over. she and ben arrived and set to work dressing my cut and sweeping up the glass. i wanted to wait for brendan before we went to the hospital. i didn't want him to arrive home to broken glass and piles of blood, but meg managed to convince me it was time to go. we drove down albert street since i know that's the route he always takes to come home, and sure enough we bumped into him a block from our house. he was confused and didn't realize i was with them. he was just waving friendly and asking how they were doing. finally he clued in and we managed to coax him into the van so we could get to the KGH.

the wait in emerge wasn't too bad. we had a few giggles because meg is 8 mos pregnant and people thought she was in labour. i was feeling ok but was worried that i was wasting everyone's time. maybe it wasn't serious. maybe it was and i'd need stitches – also not an appealing option. i've had stitches twice before – in the same spot, on my face, between my eyes – but can't remember it since i was just a toddler. so stitches were essentially new to me. the doctor was very kind and very impressed with meg's bandaging. she confirmed my toes were not broken but that i would lose the nail. b guessed i'd need two stitches and in the end she gave me 4 – including one thru my toenail. the needles for freezing was the worst part. but i quite liked the feeling of a frozen toe. it was still frozen when i woke up today :)

we were home by 12:00. it worked out well that it didn't take too long so that ben + meg could just give us a lift home. i was super thankful that they were able to come and help out. meg is a great caretaker, ben was a great human crutch, and b was very supportive and told me i was brave.

i went to work today because i needed to do a presentation to the sales team. i couldn't drive because i can't press down hard on the clutch. brendan gave me a drive then went to work himself. by lunch i was feeling some discomfort and had regained the feeling in my foot. i suspected my toe was bleeding again but wasn't sure since the doctor told me to wear socks and shoes. so i thought i'd just check on how it was doing. i found it was in fact bleeding again and had bled thru the bandage and into my sock. my colleague told me that it was probably bleeding because it wasn't elevated. so i got a drive home with someone and have been lying down for most of the rest of the day. except for when we went out for indian food (yum).

well. it was quite the experience :p i have to take out the stitches in a week to 10 days. good thing i'm not going to the beach this weekend after all! i'm glad i went to work even if i didn't stay the whole day. the presentation went well. i was told that i spoke very authoritatively. which is good – i wanted to gain their respect. i'm not the 23 year old that i was when i first started working there. i have a lot to offer and i wanted them to understand that. all in all it wasn't a half bad day, especially the part when i got to lie on the grass under a tree :)

you were bleeding all over the place and i rushed you off to the hospital.

old-fashioned

there was a time when i felt that my life was boring and frustratingly redundant. i don't feel that way anymore. at lunch i was sitting on a grassy nole reading the great gatsby, feeling incredibly content. life is slowing down. i have fewer commitments and less activities. i'm not rushed and i'm not overwhelmed. i spend time knitting, reading, watching tv online, and am quite satisfied with this low-fi life. i like it a great deal.

having once been a stupid 20-something, i have little patience for young stupidity. i wonder why it's so hard for some people, in some situations to make good decisions. why was it hard for me i wonder. is self-destruction like a drug or is it more like a spiral staircase? either way it seems to begat more bad choices. watching and/or being affected by a domino affect of bad decisions is painful for me. in my 30s i'm drawn to health and wellness. and as a result to people who thrive and flourish. who have stories of adventure and overcoming. life doesn't have to be constantly difficult. toxicity is so done. give me redemption and peace of mind + heart any day.

it's official, it's mid-july and all the herbs in my garden are dead. yup... right on time.

to my surprise i may be turning into a foody. i didn't think that was possible. i figured people were either foodies or they weren't. i'm sure many factors are playing off each other to create this new interest in cooking and tastiness. whatever the reasons, it seems the right mix have come together to create yet another surprise. getting older is amazing, there's so much to learn and explore.

 

you sleepwalk through the rooms where you grew up.

thrifty

it's interesting how people change. over a few decades we can experience, understand and live out life in a variety of ways. i remember bren telling me once (perhaps twice even) of a conversation she had with a group of women about things they used to believe and now don't. very interesting. i'm really thankful for the ability to adapt. the fact that we change and grow is really important. we develop more informed perspectives, we become more gracious with ourselves and others.

things i used to believe:
- dr seuss was evil
- facebook was lame
- dating younger guys was desperate
- christian faith was about some day leaving earth
- argentina was an american state and that aspen was in europe
- marriage is only between a man and a woman
- collins bay penn was disneyland
- someday i'd go to space as an astronaut
- women got pregnant by sleeping in the same bed as a man
- spaghetti sauce only came in jars from the store and couldn't be homemade
- i was born in an elevator

a couple years ago my colleague michel referred to me as granola. i thought that was interesting but wasn't convinced that label particularly fit well, but i'm finding that it's growing to be increasingly true. maybe he saw something i didn't. i like that which is simple and uncomplicated. things that are neccessary vs things that are unneccessary. i have no desire for that which is unneccessarily artificial. some artifical things are necessary: like heating in winter, refrigerators, toilets, eye glasses. these things are very helpful. but i'm growing discontent with the unneccessary garbage that is pushed at us to consume: fast food/junk food, box-stores and over-priced merch, ipads, teeth-whiteners.

i know several people who don't like to be labelled. i don't mind labels if i feel they either fit me or parallel with the direction i'm moving in. i feel that labels can be very helpful in being more understood. if one word can summaries me well then that i'm ok with that. as i considered the granola label i looked one up online and found this:

granola
An adjective used to describe people who are environmentally aware, open-minded, left-winged, socially aware and active, queer or queer-positive, anti-oppressive/discriminatory (racial, sexual, gender, class, age, etc.) with an organic and natural emphasis on living, who will usually refrain from consuming or using anything containing animals and animal by-products (for health and/or environmental reasons), as well as limit consumption of what he or she does consume, as granola people are usually concerned about wasting resources. Usually buy only fair-trade goods and refrain from buying from large corporations, as most exploit the environment as well as their workers, which goes against granola core values.

this fits quite well indeed! i'm comfortable with that label. the few things that don't quite fit i feel it's fairly safe to assume they will eventually as i continue to grow and become mindful about my consumption. there's part of me who feels that by saying this, by parking myself in one specific camp, i'm opening myself up to cricitism - "but les, what about your 'suv'? what about your large carbon footprint caused by trips abroad?" haha. that's funny. come on, nobody's perfect... nor is my granola living. i guess it's important to recognize that this is how us lorimers are growing, and i don't really expect everyone to be drawn to simplicity. i'm really happy about these changes in me.

 

we want to feel ya!
we don't mean to kill ya!
we come back to heal ya!

superfluous

i've been second guessing myself a lot day and feeling kind of stupid in the process. i've had to change my self-talk in order shake the icky feeling of it. i haven't been able to shake it completely but i'm making progress.

when tim and tracy had their baby micah, i remember tim telling me and shanno how he taught mialana in advance to be gentle with the new baby. he said whenever she was close to his (tim's) face he would tell her "gentle, gentle" and she'd softly pat his cheek or ear. i found this very clever and i liked that it in itself was a very gentle way to correct behaviour. sometimes i get loud and worked up about stuff. brendan has taken to comparing me to a peanuts character who flings its arms in the air and yells "argh!". after talking with tim and considering his gentle adjustment to mialana's behaviour i suggested it to brendan. when i'm loud or excited or worked up or overwhelming, he simply says "gentle... gentle" and almost instantly i calm down and speak at a normal level. i have to admit, i'm rather amazed by this. for the majority of my life i've had mom family telling me that i'm too loud. i think it works because i want to get my point across and i know that if i don't change gears my message is going to get lost or ignored. it's completely sincere too. the funny thing is that it worked from the first moment he tried it and wasn't something i had to slowly condition myself to.

 

i like to cut my sandwiches into two halves. it makes me feel like i'm eating more than i actually am. it's a simple way to make me gleeful.

 

we're free to fly the crimson sky.

metallurgical

this morning an old man with a hat on merged into my lane and forced me off the road. i've heard before that statistically that old men with hats on are the most dangerous on the road. i dumbfounded by this interchange that i mostly just watched with my jaw dropped then managed to get my wits about me enough to honk at him. unfortunately it came out as a friendily "toot toot" and not as hey watch it "HONK". i kind of felt embarrassed for him. i know he didn't mean to.

after hearing about a very angry and uninformed anti-midwife rant, i got thinking... what IS an opinion? is an opinion a conclusion drawn to thru thorough investigation? is it a biased belief based on one-sided information? is it a world view, is it something taught to us? when people have really strong, passionate and angry opinions (about anything) i don't wish to change their minds, but if i could i would change how they came to those opinions so their views could be well informed. at the very least i wish people could be fair and honest about how they came to their opinions. i wish they'd say "i'm afraid of the unknown", "I feel threatened by strength and abilities, and that authority in my favour is being questioned", "that is inconvenient to my agenda and my world view". i remember once bren telling me that "why?" is a dangerous question. that people get their backs up and it causes defensiveness. she suggested "how?" as an alternative. hm. i get that, but i really want to ask people why. i guess i could say "why do you feel that way?" it creates some accountability and in some ways is even neutralizing. belief is always the root of opinion. i believe X so i'm stating or living Y. by asking why or how, i hope to uncover what's at the core. at least that way we may discover commonality or simply expose the simple bare bones rather than inflated emotion. yup, i think this is a stellar idea, just remembering to do it will be the tricky part.

gonna blow right through you like a breeze.

electrolytes

while i am not one to quit books, on occassion i will abandon books to be read later if i'm not very far into it. sometimes indefinitely, but they are still on hold. after reading franny and zooey on the weekend i moved onto cat's eye by margaret atwood. by the 4th chapter (and they were short chapters) i didn't feel compelled to read it at every opportunity. this lure to reading is what i want these days, a book that always has me pining for more. so i decided to put cat's eye down and pick something else. there was nothing in our home that appealed to me, so suddenly at 8:30 last evening i announced to brendan that i was going to the book store and would try to spend as little as possible on a book. i wanted a good one. i wanted a broad selection. he said "ok, but don't spend very much". deal.

so i waundered up and down the aisles. i noticed a few that were a bit too expensive. i saw several books i've already. i kept searching. eventually i came across the F section, and books bearing the name "F. Scott Fitzgerald" caught my eye. what a name. i almost makes me wish i went by my middle name just so i was L. Meredith Lorimer. although L is less enchanting than F. say it, give it a try... EL. El. eL. L. vs EFF. Eff. eff. F. it's softer. L is rather abrupt. ANYWAYS. as i admired the name F. Scott Fitzgerald i happened to put together the fact that this is also the author of the great gatsby - a book that brendan and i had just been talking about when we were in westport last week. you see, b loved it when he read it. although, he was in the throes of a teen love triangle when he read it, but still felt it was a strong read even for those not undergoing such personal adolescent angst. i have never been interested in reading the great gatsby since one of my friends in highschool (who i considered to be a very well read person) referred to it as "the great crapsby". both opinions being considered i felt it would be worth looking into myself. so i read the first page, and found the style of prose quite appealing, and the price was right - 10 bux. the sales girl raved about it as she rang it thru, thus confirming i'd made the right choice.

i've started reading reviews online about books i'm interested in. and while i find it very interesting and will probably continue to do so, i feel that book reviews aren't really that helpful. they're purely subjective and what one person hates i may love, and vice versa. it's almost completely hit and miss. i've never written a book review myself. perhaps i should.

our big fat gray tabby tomcat, who goes by the name pekoe, is such a scaredy cat. he got spooked yesterday and ended up gouging my foot in an attempt to run away from me as i attempted to walk past him. it seemed like just a surface cut at first, but it not. it will most likely scar.

i'm pretty much fully recovered now from my tummy problems and have regained my interest in food. i've been reminded at how delightful i find having small snacks thoughout the day. i had 3 snacks this morning! i'll probably have two between now and dinner. it makes me realize how silly it was back when i had big meals and no snacks. no wonder i'd get so hungry between meals :S

 

you're a siren's song.

pale

it's been a while since i wrote (5 days-ish) and a lot has happened!

on friday i went strawberry picking with andrew and shannon in the morning. then in the afternoon, bren, brendan, me and the couple affectionately referred to as shandrew piled into the mojomobile and we drove to peterborough for cas and matt's wedding!! one the way we were guessing/betting on different wedding elements: colours, flowers, music, cake, bible passage, if garry was going to have an inappropriate ramble, etc etc. that was quite entertaining, and it was neat to see what they'd selected after all our speculating. going there we knew it would be both very classy and modern, and it totally was. the food was super and we all had a fun time. then we piled back into the crv and drove back to k-town.

the next morning i slept late. around 11 i opened my eyes to discover brendan had left for work and honey was lying on his side of the bed with her head on his pillow. at that moment i decided that i needed to buy a bicycle basket. so i made a list of things to do and headed out to canadian tire. while there i found THE most DELIGHTFUL basket for my bicycle. it's a retro-style basket, that matches the colour of my bike. it just snapped onto my handle bars and i headed off around town. it was awesome. i love my basket so much. it makes me want to ride my bike more, partly because it's so handy, and partly because i want to show it off :) so i spent a good chunk of the afternoon riding around filling my basket with all sorts of neccessary items. the trouble was... i am very suspicious of other folks and their possible schemes to steal my things. so each time i made a stop i was concerned that someone may happen to look in my basket and see my delicious cupcake or my contact solution or my spray paint and claim them for their own. i tried to take my basket with me (since it has a handy handle) but it wouldn't come off (which i took to be a good sign that passerbyers couldn't steal my beloved basket). so it turned into an exercise of trust. could i leave myself vulnerable and open to the sticky fingers of strangers? i have to admit, it was a rather nerve wracking experience for me. b has often commented on this and finds it odd that i'd be so paranoid. it stems from the fact that i often see situations (such as an open trunk when people are moving or packing a car) when someone could steal items from the car, but since i not one for theft i don't take advantage of the vulnerability. but it does make me aware of when i'm vulnerable to other people choosing kindness rather than cruelty. the interesting thing about trying to hide my things in the basket is that at my last stop (john's deli) i was so preoccupied with covering the basket that it completely slipped my notice that my bike was unlocked when i went in the store! silly lesley. hopefully that has increased my trust in my fellow citizens.

anyways that afternoon i started on my contribution to the song lyric art project at next. we're covering the walls with song lyrics that reflect faith in some way. i've been excited about this project, it combines all my favourite things: art, lyrics, faith :) so i slaved away in the driveway, spray-painting fabric, in the hot summer weather. by the time i finished i was SO beat! i couldn't for the life of me figured out why i was so tired. i felt like my whole body was made of led. bren, skye and ruth passed by as i was wrapping up and they invited me to join them at the splash pad. i felt a bit silly being the only adult in the water park without children, but bren told me to attach myself to her kids and i'd be fine. thankfully both skye and kieran were very gracious to let me play with them and i had a great time. it was super refreshing and i will indeed do that again. my tiredness continued so i went to bed quite early.

by morning i was feeling quite sick to my stomach, but had to drag myself out of bed to hang my art contribution on the walls at next. i got myself on my bike and peddled with my fabric pieces in my fancy new basket. nailed them to the wall then lied down on the couch. halfway thru church i excused myself to go home, where i lied around for the rest of the day, with the exception of having a cold bath. i'd concluded that the heat and my physical activity the day before had given me heat exaustion. i tried to lay-low and drink lots of liquids. monday morning i was not much better and spend the day lying around until mid afternoon when i felt inclined to get dressed and had a growing interest in food. both good signs i thought.

so now i'm feeling much better, but not quite 100% yet but i'm on the mend. i'm taking it easy and drinking lots of liquids and eating hearty gentle foods.

 

daddy gives you as much as you can take.