orange

when i was little. my family 'trick or treated' like regular kids. when i got to be around 6 my parents had done a lot of learning about the origins of halloween and didn't want us to partake in the ritual. they tried their best to keep us entertained and gave us treats. thankfully it was my sister's birthday so we had something to distract us and celebrate instead. now that we're adults my parents no longer see any harm in 'trick or treating'. which is good, i'm glad they've changed their minds. i don't resent missing out on that childhood experience, because at the time i fully agreed with them. in fact, i would sometimes try to convince my friends that they should also abstain. looking back though, or maybe it's not looking back, maybe it's more being an adult and more exposed to the tradition, i see more of what i missed out on and it makes me a little sad. i'm not resentful or disappointed, it's just unfortunate that it's so foreign to me. i feel a little stunted in this area. thankfully someday, b and i will have little lorimerettes who we'll take door to door and with them i'll be able to carve out a new story. that's nice. i like that we're always making and remaking ourselves and our stories. it's never too late.

in the meantime, we get to participate in the halloween harvest - a food drive for the partners in mission food bank. it's always a little awkward going door to door asking for food but it's also delightful because we get to see the warmest and most generous side of people. they're already opening their doors to strangers and giving away things for free, so they're happy to give non-perishable food items as well. it's actually exciting to see how quickly the bags and cars fill up. this is a food drive that's been taking place for 16 years in kingston, and it helps keeps the food bank stocked til the christmas influx.

all i know is what i have words for.

putin

back in 2008, when i had a carpooler named paul, i tried to learn to crochet. it didn't go well, and i packed it in halfway thru my second coaster. crafting with a single stick was just too weird and i decided i wasn't cut out for it. since then i have picked up a crochet hook once or twice to graft together knitting projects. i found that wasn't TOO bad so i was slightly more open to it, but only slightly. but for this blanket i'm making for nana i really wanted to learn to crochet because it's faster, uses less yarn, provides opportunities for mixing colours, is two-sided, etc. on saturday brendan arrived home with andrew to find me watching crocheting videos online. b was quick to point out that just earlier in the day i'd remarked at how odd it is that he watches videos about how different guys set up their guitars. i have to admit, we're probably even. anyways, i gave it a try and still failed to grasp it. BUT last night, i found an extremely basic video explaining how to make a granny square and it all came clear in my head. I GET IT!! FINALLY! in hindsight i wasn't understanding what a double crochet was, or how to make a shell. anyways, i'm extremely pleased now. and part of me is tempted to rip out my knitted squares and crochet them all for nana's blanket. i dunno. last time i was at her place i saw that she already has a crochetted blanket, so maybe she doesn't need one. BUT at the same time, i kind of feel that there's no harm in having more than one.

i set an email of two months notice to our landlord over a week ago and i didn't hear back from him so this morning i called. his wife answered very sleepily and kind of grumpy. at first she just told me that he wasn't there but didn't offer to take a message or anything. finally, after me waiting silently for her to say something she did, and i told her who i was and that i'd sent him an email with my 2 months notice. she was surprisingly and oddly excited to hear i'd bought a house. it almost made me wonder if they'd been waiting for me to leave - i know there's been some talk about converting the maxipad into a 2 bedroom apartment (insulating the back porch to become the living room). anyways, while i was kind of taken a back by her unexpected enthusiasm, i'm pleased that they're happy and not feeling put out. it makes me happy when things work out for everyone :)

while i'm very excited about living at the exile, and i think it will be a great investment for us. i'm finding all the up-front expenses of home-buying (or simply moving) really annoying! argh! and to make matters more complicated... cogeco made a mistake and has already started billing us for phone and internet service at our new house even though we don't move in for another month and a half! the mistake has been corrected and will be credited to our account, but it means we're out at least $200 in the meantime. we're definitely feeling the pinch. i'll just be glad when things balance out again in december.

 

people get ready, there's a train comin'.

cowgirl/bank robber

i haven't had a tootsie roll in years, but i could go for one right now. good thing it's nearly halloween.

the problem that i have with may projects, whether knitting or decorating, is that i'm so excited for the finished product that i rush and sometimes don't pace myself enough. it's like i'm running to stand still. i'm very excited about getting set-up at the exile that i almost started rearranging things at the maxipad last night. thankfully b was able to divert me by pointing out that the slopped floors will not support the tall shelf unit (it would tilt over) and i should just wait til we move. so i conceeded. i have a month and a half to mentally prepare myself to walk instead of run.

i haven't told you yet about brendan't birthday adventure! well...

• without telling b, i took the day off from work. i got up in the morning when my alarm went off as usual. when he got up i told him that i wasn't going to work. he was still sleepy so was confused and thought i was sick or something.

• i cooked him breakfast

• he went to school in the morning for a test and i picked him up at 11

• for his birthday i gave him a wooden shoe polishing kit. he was really puzzled at first because he had no idea what it was! so i showed him where the shoe goes and he was extremely delighted. he got his shoes and started polishing them right away.

• went to the chien noir for lunch

• bought a house (signed the final paperwork to make it official)

• then went bowling! (btw: each activity was a surprise, i'd just tell him where we were going next)

• when we got to cloverleaf there was some kind of senior's bowling league playing so we played two rounds of pool until there was a lane available. b shot two great games, i had difficulty finding a ball weight that was suitable for me (they were all either too heavy or too light with small finger holes)

• then we watched bridesmaids (i'd picked up pumpkins to carve and roast the seeds while we watched the movie, but we ran out of time)

• we met up with a group of friends at the brew pub that evening and stayed quite late chatting with ben and josh.

 

it was a fun day :)

 

you know that all the rope's untied.

feet

if experience has taught me anything it's that there is no sense in becoming despondent when something doesn't work out, because new opportunities come along. sometimes quite quickly... today i found out that i'm going to berlin in january. see? i KNEW another opportunity would come along. and mid-january is much better timing than in december before we move and in the midst of christmas busyness. plus, i'm going for a meeting that will interest me more than the other one.

our upcoming move is really inspiring and invigorating me in ways i have not felt in years. when i lay in bed at night or when i'm driving in the car i'm mentally going around rooms in the maxipad and imagining where they will belong at "the exile". that's right, the working title of "the twoplex" has been replaced with the official title of "the exile on main street" - a gentle nod to the rolling stones :) (thank you boys...) anyways, i'm already quite pleased with my mental home decorating. i'm trying to make the best use of space while not overcrowding the place. i'm hoping that a well arranged home will help reduce my mess - fewer places to pile stuff means fewer piles of stuff, right?

before san diego i was developing a cold. i used some cold medication that helped it go away without developing into anything real. but starting yesterday i've had a scratchy cough. maybe it's not gone after all.
 
ramble in the roots.

strike three

well... it's official... my trip to berlin has been cancelled. that's ok, i'm not sad. i'm moving that week so it's better to be in this country rather than another country. another reason why i'm not sad is because i'm certain i'll some day get another opportunity. this is the 3rd or 4th time a trip to berlin has come up, then be cancelled.

 

stay and the night would be enough.

predictable

ah-ha! after doing some digging about top gun on wikipedia, i've discovered...

 

1) the producers WERE approached to do a sequel in 2010 but they turned it down saying they'd rather do a new movie instead of a remake.

 

2) the original film is going to be re-released in 2012 after being converted into 3D.

 

she's lost that loving feeling.

dial

when joanne moved to ottawa, a group of knitters and crocheters from next worked together to make her a lovely blanket to remember us by. i found that project fun and quite easy to do, so i decided to knit something similar for brendan's nana for christmas. things are coming along quite well, although i'm afraid i may run out of yarn. i'm considering learning to crochet so that i can save yarn and mix scraps of yarn. this 'learning to crochet' thing feels like a bigger step that it should. i feel a little like i'm turning my back on my knitting roots. which is silly. i can do both, may people do. i looked up some directions for making a granny square and it looks pretty simple. i'll continue with my knitting til i reach 10 squares then will probably make the next 10 by crochet.

i surprised myself last evening by doing some housework before sitting down to watch top gun (my pick - also surprising). when i grocery shopped i decided to bring home 2 boxes. i've decided to bring home 2 each week with the intention of packing both boxes before grocery shopping the following week. this way i can start making progress early. i packed the unused contents of our bathroom cupboards and was plesantly surprised by how much i simply threw out. this will be a great opportunity to purge the things i haven't used over the last few years. while i was at it i also cleaned the bathroom. good stuff :)

top gun is an odd movie. while i was watching it alone (brendan was out with his brother) i was struck by the fact that it was released when the states (to my knowledge) was not involved in active combat. it's such a testosterone filled film that i'd expect it to have been released when they were hoping to recruite more soliders. part of me wouldn't be surprised if they released a sequel in the coming years. that being said, i almost wonder if it would have the same kind of appeal if it was released today. it seems that male protagonists in films these days are quirky underachievers or gritty rebels/con men. i don't think the young clean maverick of top gun who ruffled feathers by knowing his limits and taking calculated - yet seemingly safe - risks would capture today's audience.

i told our neighbour ruth last night that we bought a house and will be moving in december. i'd been dreading that since they're great neighbours and i don't relish the thought of not sharing a block with them anymore. she was disappointed but understanding. she said she knew it wouldn't last forever. b and i were talking to rod the realtor outside our house a few weeks ago when ruth's family returned home and they wondered if we were in the process of buying a house. at least it didn't come as a surprise. she did say "i'm sure you'll enjoy having a shower you can stand up in!" which made me laugh. the sit-down shower of the maxi pad is not something i'll miss :p it's those types of conversations that make moving bittersweet. more sweet than bitter, but still hard.

 

i remember when we used to sit...

domain

sorry to leave you hanging. i returned to ktown just after midnight thursday night (so i suppose that means friday morning). on the whole, i enjoyed the trip and found it to be a positive experience. i went to work the next morning, and since then feel like i'm operating more and more in zombie mode. i'm pretty worn and lethargic today - mentally stuck between wanting to tidy my house and wanting to lie on the couch doing nothing. my hope is that if i rest this evening i'll get some housework done tomorrow.

the weather is colder here and i miss my early morning swims. it's weird traveling without b. it made coming home more tricky than i expected. partly because i was all jet-lag cranky and he wasn't, and partly because he'd gotten into the groove of me being away and it felt (to me) like i was interrupting his new rhythm. so it was an adjustment for both of us.

i haven't had a good cup of tea in several weeks. i don't know what's wrong with my palette. they all just taste bland. *sip* no flavour, i'm telling you!

in less than two months we'll be moved into our new digs. which is very exciting. we picked out colour swatches on saturday and looked at backsplashes. the upstairs unit needs some work done, but it is eligible for a grant from the CMHC. i gave them a call, they asked some preliminary questions and are now sending us an application in the mail. it's both exciting and surprising to find ourselves homeowners AND landlords all at once. yesterday we popped into an open house on our street and ended up concluding that we like our place much more. i feel really good about our decision. it is just a little place, but less space means less stuff :) i'm really looking forward to this new step.

nancy taught me out to listen to audio books from the library online. but i'm getting a security upgrade error message and can't get it to work. it's very annoying :S

 

from the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper's keep.

slingshot

i'm currently waiting for the sun to come up so i can go swimming. i was also told that there are some seals along the ocean shore so i'll probably walk down there as well.

 

after a sunday full of people, monday had room for more alone time. it was a relief. in the afternoon i went out to the hot tub and just sat there, not thinking, not talking, not reading. just sitting. i didn't have the mental ability to do anything but sit.

 

**several hours later**

 

i had a fantastic time in the pool this morning. it's a great way to start a day. i didn't see any seals sadly, but marilyn and i will go out tomorrow because we have some free time then.

 

i've been pretty effective with networking and am enjoying getting to know colleagues from different sites. it's interesting seeing cultural differences between canadians and americans. growing up i thought our two countries were very similar but the older i get i see our differences. at the opening session yesterday the one speaker referred to us as "the more liberal canada". i liked hearing that.

 

it's nice having my room freshened up each day by a maid. i felt kind of badly today because my room was messy and i'd left underwear on the floor. no doubt they see some embarrassing stuff as maids.

 

the light is softly low as our hearts become sweetly untied.

hornblower

things are very busy here. yesterday i enjoyed a delightful swim in the pool first thing in the morning, but after that it was go go go for the entire day. i'm afraid that being around so many people all the time is going to eventually wear me down. i find it especially difficult to hangout socially with my 50-something colleagues. i don't mind having meals together, but standing around talking while they knock back drinks until midnight is not how i want to spend my time. they like to give people (especially younger people) a hard time if they can't keep up with them. needless to say that's annoying because it's not that i can't, it's that i don't want to. i'm really hoping to have this evening to just hang out alone to re-energize. i'm going to try to explain to them that i function at my best when i get enough time by myself. not sure if that will make sense to them, but i want to articulate that me spending them evening in is more a matter of necessity than anything else. i suppose i'd be able to spend time watching them drink if i wasn't craving some alone time. i'm definitely in the minority in this regard.

 

oh will you take me as i am?

fossil

i'm writing to you from san diego california!

 

i'm pretty excited to be here. local time is 7:26 am.

 

i flew with marilyn. on our way here we stopped in chicago. it was a really lovely city to see from overhead. all the neighbourhoods are set up diagonally and there are big mature trees filling the whole city. i liked that there were also so many baseball diamonds. we were there for 2 hours. i picked up a book (that i've been looking for for a long time) and a chicago magnet at the airport and am high way thru the book already!

 

the flights were fine, only they didn't feed us at all (we ate well at the airport though). we flew over the rockies which was really beautiful. i think mountains are my favourite things to see from a plan. it was around 5:30 when we arrived in san diego. it was also a really beautiful city to see from above. so hilly and neighbourhoods and areas are built up into the hills, it's pretty neat. it wasn't hot when we arrived, but i did read that it gets chilly in the evening. i think it's going up to 21 C today. i'm planning on going swimming in the beautiful outdoor pool after i'm finished here.

 

so, you might be wondering... "what are you doing there anyways?" well i'll tell you. i'm at a conference and exhibition. bbd will have a booth about its train to plane solutions, and we're having a customer event on tuesday evening. i'm excited because i've been designing all the booth graphics for the last 8 years and it will be neat to see what the finishe product looks like in real life and to have a better idea of how things work. it's also a great opportunity for me to get to know colleagues from different cities. last night marilyn and i went out for drinks and dinner with 3 people from pittsburgh. it was really fun. we went to this italian restaurant that serves homemade pasta - SO GOOD! it was quite possibly the best pasta i've ever had. delicious! unfortunately that was at 9:00 here time, and 12:00 home time. to be honest, i'm not feeling quite so "bikini body" this morning for swimming. it's going to be challenging to monitor my eating while i'm here. i should've brought some rice cakes :S

 

our hotel is very lovely. the bathroom is great and i enjoyed lying in my comfortable sheets watching my big screen tv last night. i tried to stay up to a regular time so i wouldn't wake at 4 but it didn't work. 

 

last night on the way home from the restaurant we stopped at a 24-hour grocery store. i bought some chapstick because my lips always dry out when i travel and i left mine at home. (that reminds me, i also left my toothbrush. i packed it but then took it out to use it and must have forgotten to repack it. i'll ask for one at reception, they usually keep things like that in stock) i handed over my american change and it turns out there were a few canadian coins (4 pennies 1 dime) and the woman refused to take them. we regularly use american change at home if it gets in the mix. how weird! she said to me "these are canadian", so i said "sorry about that, i'm canadian".

 

i'm looking forward to exploring a bit more. apparently our hotel is right on the ocean. on the way here in the taxi we passed the marina and i saw a massive naval ship the size of a large city block with planes and helicopters on it. it was surreal.

 

when i flew into chicago i had sufjan stevens stuck in my head. and we arrived in san diego i had pedro the lion.

 

arizona curled up with california, then she tried to hide the whole thing from new mexico.

forgot

i'm leaving for san diego first thing in the morning so i only have time for a short short note.

everything went well with the house and we reached an agreement. we signed the paperwork on brendan's birthday! we take possession on december 16 and we move in on MY birthday – december 17 :)

i took the day off work yesterday and surprised brendan with a fun birthday adventure. i'll tell you about it soon.

someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me.

galvanized

well... the deal may still fall thru! we're putting in a revised offer based on the home inspection and it doesn't seem likely that they'll go for it. i feel ok about this. i'll be disappointed but i don't have all my hopes invested in this spot. it might actually be more annoying than anything else. BUT stranger things have happened and i feel our counter is very reasonable.

sees them off with a small kiss.

zurbarans

thanksgiving is one of the best times of the year for many reasons. i really dig that it's a time set aside to thankfulness. being thankful is pretty underrated these days and i have the impression that it's not a holiday that would be implimented nowadays. i think that's why i felt especially grateful for thanksgiving this year. we visited beck at her cottage, ate turkey with my family, ate turkey with my in-law family. i baked two birthday cakes and ate leftover cake for breakfast. it was pretty super.

in the story of brendan and lesley buying 79 main street, i feel that this evening is the climax. the home inspection will either result in the final stamp of approval or it will pull the plug on this whole experience. it should be interesting. we've invited our clan to come check out the place. b and i often go by and peak in the windows of the unoccupied main floor. no one lives there so we visit and plan a little bit. i'm often surprised by how small the place is. i really love it and feel that the size isn't a problem, but i do feel little self-conscious about what other people think. obviously i want others to like it and feel excited for us. but just like with all things in the before stage - everyone is more likely to give their honest opinion before you've commited to something, afterwards they're more polite and simply accept whatever you've decided.

sometimes when i lie in bed at night i think about how we'll arrange the rooms and what layout will provide both the best use of space and the best feeling of home. i'm bringing my measuring tape tonight so i can take home specific specs to aid with my daydreaming.

saturday i leave for san diego. i'm pretty psyched about that. i hope i don't feel homesick. it's just for 5 days and i'll have a lot to do. this is a great step for me professionally and i hope i rise to the new challenge with ease.

bren always says that if you make your need known it will somehow be filled. at book club last week i was sharing about my desire to get a used sewing machine so i can practice slowly become a passable seamstress. only a matter of days later rach, while visiting her inlaws, came across an old sewing machine equiped with classic desk that was free for the taking, and she offered it to me. so i will soon have my own sewing machine and hope to find easy and simple sewing tasks to develop some sew legs :) i have a small sewing project in mind for a christmas gift so the timing of this gift could not be better. jill tells me that sewing is just the kind of thing that takes practise, so i will commit to learning to walk before i can run. i'm sure that by setting the bar low for myself i'll gradually get better :)

 

fall is coming soon, a new year for the moon.

day

i like bon iver. he reminds me of a boy version of tegan & sara.

 

i'm not naturally a very organized person. i feel at my best when i'm organized (prepared, ready, well and at ease), but it's not my default behaviour. sometimes when i'm thinking ahead b will say to me "you're going to make a great mom some day", which makes me smile because i've never thought of myself as particularly maternal. he thinks our relationship, the permanentness of it has triggered my maternal instinct. he might be right for all i know. anyways, despite my disorderly natural, i seem to be maturing into someone who is organized. i gather that its a learned skill - like cooking or accident prevention. there's a lot of house details that i need to collect all together and avoid losing. for the sake of my mental health i've developed a paper trail so whatever i need is easily accessible. downloading my mental tasks onto bits of paper is soothing.

there was a fire drill this afternoon. while everyone grabbed their coats and headed outside, i took a few extra minutes to get myself a cup of tea. i was beautiful outside. that short afternoon recess was exactly what i needed.

i'm easily jarred by unexpected things.

 

at once I knew I was not magnificent.

legible

our offer has been accepted!

we've reached a tentative deal with the owners of 79 Main Street. it's a newly renovated 85ish year old home, which was converted into a duplex. each unit has 2 bedrooms and storage space in the full-height basement. we have until october 14 to finalize our finances and to have a home inspection. this will be a great starter home for us :)

i'm hoping that when we do the home inspection our families will be able to come and that i can do a bunch of measurements - things like closet space, height of cabinets width of hallway, etc. things not included on the specs. we're pretty excited. brendan was actually really blown away when we got the news. i think he was storing things under the surface more than i realized.

some day we'll come up with a fun and applicable name for the main street house, but until then... the working title will be "the twoplex".

 

at arm's length
i will hold you there.

my so-called lice

john and joanne's wedding was a fun celebration. i think the main highlight for me was the group of friends we spent the day with. a gang of 12 nexters filled two pews and two tables. we were the rowdy guests, cheering and applauding at every and any opportunity. in the ceremony brendan and jase performed 'sigh no more' during the signing of the registry. i was a little bit nervous since they hadn't practised together in advance but being freakishly talented musicians it worked out perfectly. one of the more memoriable moments of the evening was when jase paid me one dollar to eat cat food at the table. i did it am now one dollar richer :) j+j make a great couple. it's a shame they now live in ottawa because they would've enriched our lives greatly. i would love to see them grow and change thru this experience. i'm hoping that they'll eventually move back to town.

with things looking promising with the house on main street, i happened upon a website about landlords in ontario. it was rather unsettling to read that duplexes are wolves in sheeps clothing and that landlords have no rights. i was already getting the impression that landlords had no rights, so that part didn't surprise me. it's our desire to rent to people we know (ideally friends) and to be able to enjoy a shared living situation. in theory it should be any more challenging than having housemates. that being said, we don't know what the future holds and it would be prudent to be cautious and mindful about any prospective new upstairs neighbours.

we should hear back from the owners today or tomorrow if we've got a deal. then we have until the 14th to fulfill the conditions. it would be funny if everything is finalized on brendan's birthday since right now the plan is to move on my birthday.

it turns out one of the owners' last name is mcknight. funny coincidence. i don't have any family locally, so i don't think we're related, but it's still funny.

we won't stop running 'til we get to the lights.

*****************************************
ADENDIUM:
i just found a website called www.iboughtaduplex.com that gave a much better review of duplex living. i think the previous site i came across was written by a very pessimistic person, while this person is more light-hearted and shares our mindset. if nothing else, this experience has taught me that real estate boils down to personal opinion.

butterflies

things continue with this house business, and looks promising. i once bought a house but then backed out of it after the home inspection. i remember it being a very fraught time in my life. i don't know if i'm using that word in context. fraught. it was back in 2005, shortly after i first started pspd. i remember having my ear bent for a lot of opinions on the matter. it seems to be one of those issues that people have a lot of opinions about, and while pretty much everyone agrees that real estate is a good investment there's still a lot of advise that can be thrown at a young home buyer. it can be a lot to take in. the thing about this that differs from other things that people share opinions about is that finances seem to be an extremely personal thing. like naked personal. whenever we've spoken with financial advisors we've always left feeling exposed. people hide their finances the way they hide parts of their bodies.

there's a fixed vs variable debate taking place on my facebook profile at the moment. it's a lot harder to sift thru that i thought it would be. it's pretty much split 50-50 and everyone seems to be of the perspective that they're in the best option. at this point we've come to the conclusion that we need to pick the one that makes the most sense to us. there's downsides to both and upsides to both. when we decide i think i'd rather not tell anyone which we picked because it's not really a competition - we're not picking teams and there is no right or wrong. what's most important is that b and i find something we agree on and that we're happy with our choice.

i'm hoping things with the house will be firmed up before we head out of town for jo's wedding in ottawa. our dear friend joanne is getting married and i'm looking forward to celebrating with her and her groom. things change quickly. it feels like not long ago that jo was single, and now she's getting married. it's always nice to be reminded that things can change in exciting ways really quickly.

 

at arm's lengths
i will hold you there

español

it has been a roller coaster of a week. that being said, i've been trying to remain positive (albeit i fail miserably sometimes). yesterday i thoroughly enjoyed the rain. it was soothing.

we put an offer in on a house. the offer is for what we believe the house to be worth, however it's significantly lower than the asking price so it's unlikely that they'll accept it. it's my hope that they'll come down far enough that we can come to an agreement. it's funny because while i've been all upset and discouraged, brendan has been all happy and excited about the possibilities. this may be our biggest personality differences, and it was a challenge to let each other feel how they feel. things have normalized which i'm glad about. it turns out i have a killer credit rating, which was nice to hear. i'm careful with my finances so it's reassuring to hear i've done well and it'll pay off.

this morning i accidentally slashed my finger open with an exato knife. i was trying to remove the button from a pair of pants so i could re-sew it in a more comfortable position. it's tricky typing with a band-aid on.

have you ever heard of the true colours personality profile? i hadn't. it was part of one of b's clases yesterday and he came home to tell me "you're such a green". apparently that means that i'm a person who values competence - which is true. i don't know if i desire anything more for myself than to be capable. brendan's a blue. i like personality profiles. i learn a lot about myself and others - often it's things i know already but just needed someone to put it into words for me to understand it.

i came to your window,
threw a stone and waited.

mezzanine

much of last night was taken up with talk about mortgages, property lines, renovations, and house prices. it's beginning to look as though this house idea was just another blip on the radar that will soon disappear. after researching the house's value, we've come up with an offer that i'm fairly certain will be rejected without much consideration. that's ok. this has been a good trial-run. it makes me wonder how many times i will almost by a house before actually doing it. it makes me feel a little frustrated that i was right before when i concluded we weren't in the position to buy. frustrated may not be the right word, because it's truly by choice. we are happy with how we have our finances divided up. we want to only buy a house if it means our committments/lifestyle doesn't have to change. or at least if we did, it would have to be something remarkable and not just something that's 'good enough'. discouraged. discouraged is probably the right word.

for the sake of my future self, i will jot down some things i want in a house:
- good location
- good price
- 2 to 3 bedrooms
- an eat-in kitchen (or dinning room large enough for a farmer table)
- a front porch
- hard wood floors
- a shed
- some kind of foyer
- ample storage space
- a driveway
- a backyard with room for a big garden and a laundry line
- laundry facilities
- barber shop flooring in kitchen and/or bathroom
- white-painted trim and doors

at this point i don't have a lot of hope that we'll find something like that.

all that i hoped would change within me stayed.

main

t'is the season for apple picking, and that's what we did. the oldings and us went out to wyn farms and picked a half-bushel each. many of the apples were speckled with black stuff. tim was pretty picky about the quality of apple, and brendan was less picky but picked less. i'm glad it's fall and my food-pollen allergies have subsided for yet another year. these apples ARE delicious.

my head has been pretty jam packed for the last few days. brendan and i have been tossing around the idea of house-buying which is a big consideration with many pros and cons. as a result it's been difficult to think or talk about anything else. in considering a move, my thoughts turned to "the maxi pad" - where i've been living for 5+ years. it began to drag me down until i reached the point of crying a little bit. i felt better after my cry, which is good, but i wonder about my attachment to my home. i don't really understand why i feel so connected, that it would hurt or make me cry to think about leaving. in many ways the maxi pad was my coming of age home. which is important, but it's also healthy to move on i think. i love my balcony so much that it makes me wonder if i love it too much. i've kind of concluded that attachment is connected to a sense of belonging. i feel truly at home in my home, which is something i didn't always feel. it took me some time to feel that the maxi pad was mine. all this to say, is that it feels like moving, or the thought of moving, is quite similar to a break-up. i have to permanently part ways with it in order to move on. it stinks because my heart wants both things - again like a break-up. thankfully, just as in relationships, after my cry this weekend i feel more reconciled. i feel more mended, more ready to let go. a little bit more over it than i was, which is good. even if we end up deciding to not move any time soon, i feel that i've made an important step forward. i'm not holding on quite so tightly.

living room entered it's seventh season this year - which is nutts! it's hard to imagine that we've been meeting together and talking about elements of faith for so many years. it was a good start to the season, a good mix of different folks from different places and stations. i felt encouraged, that this will be a challenging and growing experience for us collectively.

 

we returned the dtv converter. andrew and shannon told us they don't work in kingston, that's why it didn't work properly. after our compromise of buying it, we were both happy about returning it. it's nice being on the same page again.

 

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

flummox

in the wake of last week's conversation with b about feeling at home in my space, and me not being able to watch tv on his computer anymore, we came to the conclusion (or more likely a poor compromise) that i would get a dtv converter box. that debate felt more like a lose-lose situation than a conclusion. as i tried to hook it up to our aged television, it did not go smoothly and i lamented how nothing ever goes straightforward for me. it ended up locating two channels and they didn't come in properly (or at all really), so i decided to quit for the rest of the evening. it would've been nice for it to work out, instead of be finicky because at least it would feel like some progress was made. this way we both felt disappointed, and neither of us are happy. i suppose that's the definition of compromise.

 

at best buy there was a line-up of folks, boy-men, camped out outside for a video game being released at midnight. i've never seen anything like that in my life before.

over the weekend we did an activity where we found a picture from a magazine that we felt reflected ourselves right now. later we were told to find another picture that represents who we want to be. i selected a cut out of a blond girl with straight long hair roughly around my age (it turns out it was sarah polley, but that wasn't immediately apparent since the top part of her face was folded over). i chose this image because i felt like it represents who i am as a girl. just a girl - plain and simple. a bit non-descript. the other was an image of a middle-aged black woman with her head thrown back in laughter. her laughing position is what drew me to her, but when i looked more closely i saw her confidence and liberty. she seemed to be self-assured and unaffected by how others view her, undisturbed by what others may think or how others may live. she's not rushed, she's not burdened. a number of people told me that they already see me as the second women, which is good and i take that to mean i'm on the right path. but my inner self is significantly less free than the laughing woman. i get too rattled by my surroundings and in general feel a lot less peace that i'd like to. i thought at first that i want to be ok with other people's choices, but i wonder now if it's actually that i want to be ok with my own. to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope. to be the black woman in a white society without feeling alienated or in danger. it's one thing to love and accept who you are, and another to still love and accept yourself when you're surrounded. i know i have a long way to go, but the woman was a lot older than me, so i won't be too hard on myself for not being there quite yet.

 

after all is said and after all is done
God only knows which of them i'll become.

mini

it turned out to be a fantastic weekend. i really enjoyed spending time with everyone, getting the chance to connect and get better acquainted. it's fun cooking and eating together. doing chores and standing in the fire pit :) there was a talent show on saturday night and i showed several pictures that i'd worked on at work. other 'acts' ranged from musical performances to hammering to balancing to whistling to juggling. it was quite the event.

b and i camped in our little pup tent. it was cold but our sleeping bags were warm. i found i was quite comfortable aside from my face, which was rather chilly.

i really did have a fantastic weekend which was nice. i felt a bit lost upon returning home without my knitting/chatting buddies.

my family swung by shortly after we got home. they were visiting the fair and parked outside our pad. when the kids came up to visit the kitties they explored around our house even though they'd been here before. as joelle came out of our bedroom she said to me "where's uncle brendan's room?" i told her that we share a room, which surprised her because it's so small. she makes me laugh.

i had an important doctor's appointment today, and was pleased to be informed that all is well. it's nothing serious with long-term effects and can be managed with over-the-counter meds. it's been a long process but one that challenged and provoked me to consider possibilities and how life could unfold. i think i learned a lot as a result. it's good to reach the end and receive good news.

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

spot

adjusting to brendan being in school is beginning to be a challenge. things are great for him, and i'm very happy for him and pleased. for me, i get to experience change without all the positive perks. last night i felt sequestered in my room - unable to watch tv on his computer (because it was in use - mine is too slow for tv online), play music (loud and distracting), watch a movie, and we don't have a dtv converter so our bunny ears no longer work. besides b was studying in the living room, so i wouldn't be able to watch tv anyways. it felt a little like being single again but without the room to move in my own space. after a few hours of me struggling to express my feelings of boredom and loneliness, b and i managed to have a very productive conversation about it. it didn't occur to him that this change will be difficult in any way. at least not for me. i'm sure it will take some time to figure out our new dynamics. i'll soon have plenty to do and will be enjoying a new routine.

storytellers started up again this week. it was great sitting around rach's big table once again with friends. reading and writing together.

this weekend we're going away for a church retreat. all of next is taking off to echo lake camp. last time there wasn't a lot of accomodations, so we're going to stay in our little pup tent. that should be fun. i hope it's warm enough! i look forward to camping again. the idea of spending the whole weekend with people is a little overwhelming, and i hope that i'll have enough peaceful low-key time. i'm sure having our own tent/private space will help. there's going to be a talent show tomorrow evening. being a person without performing talents i decided to show some before and after pics i've created. i've turned it into a bit of a game, that i'm sure even the kids will excel at. i'm pleased about that. the funny thing is that as i thought about explaining what i do, i realized i could go on and on about it for quite a long time. but i'll try to keep it short. we have the whole weekend for those interested in ask me more about it.

 

so now i am older,

than my mother and father,

when they had their daughter,

now what does that say about me.

claim

according to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy the answer is 42 :) i saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "do you know where your towel is?" and it made me very happy.

the book 'reading lolita in tehran' is the memoir of a literature professor in iran during the revolutionary years between the late 70s to mid 90s. she's struggled to find a place of belonging and purpose in a society that has deemed her "irrelevant". it's interesting reading her thoughts on intellectuals. having never been to university, i've never thought of myself as an intellectual. i'm not a particularly educated person, but what she's been saying, especially as one who has been expelled from her job for refusing to wear a veil, is helping me to understand that intellectual is not actually the same as being an academic. one can be an academic without being an intellectual, and vise versa. that being said, after giving it some thought i've found that it's neither here nor there. what's important, what makes a person truly learned or insightful it not the ability to answer all the hard questions, but rather the ability to ask all the right questions. whether politics, or world issues, interpersonal relationships or personal reflection, one needs to know what the key questions are to really find out the answer. what alarms me is when people don't bother to even consider what questions are pertinent. i feel like the world would be a different place if people stopped to thinking about the questions.

it seems that my weight-loss has reached a standstill or at least a slow crawl, which is ok. i haven't been monitoring my intake that closely these days and i seem to be remaining at a healthy and comfortable size. i'm content with that. my mid-year resolution has been a bit tricky since returning from vacation. i hadn't fully gotten the hang of my new routine before we went away and i've since fallen off the wagon. when i fall off the cleaning wagon it usually takes me a long while to get upright again. but i will soon enough.
 
remember when you had me cut your hair?
call me 'delilah' then, i wouldn't care.

garden

she hasn't spoken to me in two and a half years. two years? is that right?... yes... two and a half years.

i don't think she'd recognize me if she saw me today. my person, not my physical self. perhaps the same is true of her as well - that i wouldn't know her at all. and that it would be like starting over. only there's no starting, only over. it's funny that in this half-half decade (i suppose the correct term is quarter decade) i have not bumped into her in this small city. well, we've passed on the street once or twice, but we haven't exchanged words at all. that being said, if i know anything about coincidental timing (irony? serendity?), i wouldn't be surprised if we will cross paths very soon now that i've made this statement. i wouldn't mind speaking with her, just getting up to speed a little. having some polite conversation in the grocery store aisle, but i suspect her resentment will never cease and my name will never be erased from her black list. there have been times when b has seen her, or thought he saw her around town. but they don't actually know each other, he just knows of her, so there's no telling if he saw her at all or if it was another.

sometimes it seems that i am a piece of stone, that is slowly being smoothed out - turning me into what i'm supposed to be. i believe it was michelango who used to say that his scupture existed inside the marble already and it was his job to uncover it. in a way i think that's what life is. we spend our days uncovering ourselves from the raw material so that we can fully expose the beauty of creation. a new area of myself is being uncovered. in the process of being smoothed out kindness has started to emerge. perhaps i was not unkind before, but kindness seems to be taking over my life in a very tangible way. i have a desire to be kind, a desire to have kind interactions. to speak kind words, and think kind thoughts. this is extremely new for me, and it's taking me by surprise, probably because it's happening without trying. in considering this i've realized that kindness is the predessor of love. i dig love. it's definitely something i value. but i'm struck by the reality that unless i'm kind, love is not expressed and it's not experienced. it's pretty much impossible to be kind without being loving. while in contrast to that i can think of oodles of instances where love is declared but is not followed by kindness. unlike love, it can't really be faked - either i'm kind or i'm not. i'm looking forward to exploring this more. i hope other rough spots are smoothed over in the process.

 

sim sala bim on your tongue.

valley

i came across the question "what is beauty" the other day. this intrigued me since i could not come up with any kind of answer for quite some time. it's not that i can't think of things that are beautiful, but i couldn't identify how they earned that label. i've concluded that beauty is that which overwhelms me - an experience, an art form, a perspective, a formed thought, a moment. while it's true that people and nature can be beautiful, it's not they in themselves that make them so. just as everything else, it's the response they invoke in the beholder that causes them to fall into that category.

on friday evening sarah, rach and i piled into the butler's volvo and headed of to jordin's cottage. there's really nothing like talking in a car or talking around a campfire - as fate would have it,,, we had the pleasure of doing both. it was truly very lovely. we arrived home quite late, but in spite of that i felt quite full from rich conversation.

all the loose ends would surround me again.

heart-shape bite

i lost a loaf of bread. i bought it at the grocery store on tuesday, and can't find it anywhere. this probably means that i accidentally left it at the grocery store when i was packing the bags. how annoying. it extra sucks because i paid for it fair and square.

you know how 17-year-old brendan planned to have kids and more guitars by age 30? well... on tuesday he bought another guitar, so he's one step closer. his new white fender strat has a maple neck and is mexican-made. when he started his job at startek we calculated he'd need X amount of money for school and the rest he could use to buy a new computer. that being said, he soon decided he'd prefer a new guitar than a bigger computer. he already had three - one red electric, one red resonator, one wood acoustic. they're all different kinds of guitars and all emit different sounds. while i don't understand why one would need two electrics, i don't mind that he's bought another one. it makes his face light up like nothing else. for a little while he was toying with not getting one, he questioned the use of money on something he doesn't technically need. however, i encouraged him to since now is the time for such kinds of purchases - when he's young and has limited financial obligations. on tuesday after his first day of school he took the bus to renaissance to order his very specific guitar only to arrive and discover they had the EXACT ONE available on the floor. he's been perfectly gleeful ever since.

the weather had turned quite cold, but i'm kind of happy about it. i'm ready for warmer clothes and breathing in cooler air. i'm ready for the change of pace and the shorter days. i don't usually feel that way about fall. which in itself a nice change. it was a good summer, it'll be a good autumn too.

what's my name, what's my station.

library

*sigh*

i'm easily stressed out today. i'm not sure why. two things spring to mind and in both cases i know i'm going to disappoint people (which i hate doing) so i feel anxious about how i'm going to handle each situation. i'm sure neither are a big deal, but i haven't been able to shake it.

brendan and shanno start school today. i'm looking forward to hearing about how it went. classes start tomorrow, today is just an orientation. i printed out a copy of b's schedule and colour coded each class so i can "follow along at home". part of me wants a copy of shanno's schedule too :p i'm excited for them.

nancy and gerry bought a trailor at a park near mallorytown. on saturday we took a drive out there and spent the day with them. we had a lovely time, although i wasn't feeling great. i got clothes-lined by maisie's leash on my achilles heel, then almost immediately after twisted my other ankle on the stairs. for some reason the twisted ankle made me dizzy and nausiated, i was seeing purple spots and had to lie down. it took the rest of the day to feel normal again.

sunday brought us a family reunion with brendan's uncle's family. i'd never met them before, because the two families are not close, but they were in town for nana's birthday. it went better than expected and i quite enjoyed myself. they were more normal and down to earth than some members of my extended family. ben & meg managed to make it and every just cooed over audrey - it would be hard not to!

since we returned from camping, our back porch has been in complete chaos. to be fair, it wasn't that tidy before we went to bon echo. there was still supplies and items from our wedding that were waiting to be dealt with and put away. thankfully, since we were both at home we managed to tackle it and it really didn't take too long. that was a nice change since we haven't been able to tackle home organization together for months because brendan worked weekends. it's nice having him around again. to treat ourselves we orded a pizza for dinner :) when going thru some boxes, brendan found an old assignment he did in philosophy class. the teacher had them answer a bunch of answers then sealed the envelop and said they couldn't open it until 2011. we were pretty excited to discover it could be opened now, so we sat down to read what he'd written. it was pretty funny stuff - the contents of a 17 year olds brain. it was also very enlightening how he'd changed so much. back then he valued money and music above all else. now he values people/relationships and simple living. my favourite part was the "in 5, 10, 15 years i hope to be..." section. it made me laugh that he expected to meet his future life-partner in a grocery store. hahahahaha. by age thirty he thought he'd have kids and more guitars. hahahahahaha. i found the whole thing surprising and hilarious. brendan found it disappointing and poorly written. his answers were pretty self-indulgent and not as well thought out as teenager-brendan thought they were.

remember how i was telling you about my ambitions to go boot shopping?? well i found a pair! i looked at 7-8 stores at the mall and the riocan centre. these boots were at the second store i visited. they were exactly what i was looking for, and the cheapest too! i'm very pleased with myself. here they are. mine are chocolate brown. even though they were on sale, they were still significantly more than i planned on spending. brendan and i abide by a set budget that includes weekly spending money (i usually refer to this as my allowance). it's basically money ear-marked for general fun spending - restaurants, movies, clothing, books, music, concerts, etc etc. it's a pretty great system. it's nice having spending money built into our budget, it means no guilty spending! the reality is when we get to the end of our allowance that's it for that week. so i didn't want to blow my entire allowance, and then some, on my boots. so i've developed a payment plan for myself. for the next 3 weeks i will pay $22.50 towards my boots, which means i still have the rest of my money for other spending. this week we went to see the help and ordered that pizza. excellent! i'm quite pleased, it's a win-win situation.

 

love is the coal
that makes this train roll.

cloves

cooking is not something i'm particularly comfortable with, but brendan tells me that i'm a good cook. i've never been much of a foody, but it seems i'm turning into one. while this is taking place, i'm simultaneously becoming more interested in clothes. i've always felt that clothes are an important part of self-expression, but i didn't really pay that much attention to "fashion" (for lack of a better word). but this summer i've been enjoying the different variety of clothes i've been wearing, and the extra items i've picked up at value village and the freedom sale. with both clothing and food, i'm discovering that when it tastes good, or is comfortable and flattering, both are really quite enjoyable and change my experience. it's not even that hard. it just takes a little creativity and a little forethought.

today i'm excited because i have alfalfa sprouts on my egg salad sandwich (still really digging the sandwich lunch!). and after work (fingers crossed!) i'm going on a hunt for some inexpensive low-heel, knee-high boots for work and general outings. i'm a thrifty person, so i know it will be challenging to find a boot that i like and is inexpensive. i was looking online last night and found an awesome pair for $270 - which i couldn't bring myself to spend on a pair of boots even if i had that kind of spare money. both rach and jill found great boots at value village (oddly enough, they're actually identical boots, only bought at separate times and one pair is brown leather and the other pair is a greenish swade), i'm going to try there first but in my experience... it's almost impossible to find what you're looking for when you have something specific in mind.

last night we walked over to ben and meg's place to have a visit with them and audrey. meg's mom was there, and we really enjoyed getting to know her better. audrey was super lovely as usual. so cute. she's so tiny and her little hands and feet are adorable. i'm feeling a little rusty, after all it's been a while since i held a baby so when she cried i didn't quite know what to do. but i suppose all babies are different and what soothes one doesn't necessarily soothe another, so being rusty or not doesn't really have anything to do with it. maybe it's just confidence, it's probably fair to say that i'm not particularly confident with babies - especially other people's. whenever i babysat i felt more comfortable when it was just me and the baby instead of me, the parents and the baby. i really enjoyed sitting next to her on the couch, meg's mom and i would ooh and aww over all her facial expressions. she's so sweet. like candy :)

 

lost for you
i'm so lost for
you.

bulldozer

sometimes i'm influenced by other people's negativity. i think i wrote about this recently. the problem i'm currently struggling with is what if it's not just negativity, what if it's actually true. i feel the weight of her words, and i don't really disagree or anything i guess it's just i don't want to hear it - at least not in that tone or from that angle.

bren is a great example of speaking warmly. i've often witnessed her saying with a smile that her son is "a storyteller". it's made a big impression on me because in the cocoon i came out of the verbiage would've been much different, much harsher. i.e. "a liar".

i think the choice of words is coming from something deeper than simply being an optimist or a pessimist. it's not even a matter of perspective. it seems to me that it kind of comes from (excuse my word picture if you find it cheesy) an inner fountain. if your inner self, your fountain is bitter water - stale and toxic - that's what comes out of you - even if you're a optimist. and if the water in your inner fountain is clean, and pure, and unpolluted, than what comes out of you will be wholesome. it's health vs unhealth. not optimist vs pessimist.

at the moment i've been mildly polluted by some toxicity. it will take some time to flush it out of my system. that being said, i will try to encourage the process by trying to see clearly and lovingly at the situation. i'm not trying to look at it as a glass half full, but instead glass of clean water instead of glass of dirty gross water.

brendan's mouth is quite sore today. it sucks getting wisdom teeth out, but at least you only have to do it once. he made himself a peanut butter milk shake today from the paper of suggested recipes he was given. oh, that reminds me, i need to file his return or else we won't get our money back. the cost of teeth extraction has gone up in the last 8 years since i had mine out.

it's empty in the valley of your heart.

pass

my slightly younger husband got his wisdom teeth out today. 3 of 4 actually since he had one out earlier this year. the poor fella is lying on the couch at his mom's place at the moment after having a reaction to the local anaesthetic. he keeps throwing up. as i spoke with nancy on the phone i could hear him in the background saying "i'm fine". hm, maybe he's still a little spaced out :p i'm thankful that nancy is a good caretaker and is available to help him out today.

SO... more about camping. we were pretty well prepared for the week. last summer we had two overnight camping trips, which really prepared us for our week long venture. the only thing we were missing that we could've used was a hatchet. b brought along his machete that he bought in the dominican republic during his two month stint there, and while it was very useful at times, it couldn't be used as an axe. we tried. we've been home 3 or 4 days now and i still crave my daily dose of roasted marshmallows every day. i could go for one right now actually. we became very skilled fire makers, and had them a-roaring within a minute or so. very nice.

we slept til about 9:30 or 10 most days, and early afternoon we'd head out for either a jaunt into northbrook or to hike the trails. on wednesday, in the grocery store we were browsing the newspapers covers. it took me several minutes of browsing (wasn't looking for anything in particular) when the words "the day after jack layton's death" caught my eye. i was shocked! i ran to brendan across the grocery store and told him the news. we were kind of baffled and mildly frustrated that the paper was a bit vague on the details - we couldn't figure out which day he'd actually died and it didn't say. we decided to purchase the paper and take it with us for a more in-depth read. very sad. very very sad. i'm sad for his wife and canada. and yet, i find the outcry at his death to be quite positive. a lot of people care about the issues he stood for, and that's encouraging. i don't think people are going to bail now, they want to see jack's dreams come to fruition.

on sunday i was rather grumpy and restless. i realize now that it's because i was between books, without an audio book, and i ran out of yarn for my knitting project (i've never run out of yarn knitting socks before. i think they short-yarned me. i should be able to get one sock out of one ball). thankfully i remembered the legwarmers i tried starting a few months ago, the pattern was really tricky, but i've figured it out and it's fantastic! and yesterday i picked up the da vinci code on cd, so i'm a happy lesley once again.

 

you desired my attention but denied my affections.

bundle

we're home from camping!! actually we've been home since saturday. it's hard juggling 2 social media sites (pspd and facebook). i spent several hours uploading our summer photos onto facebook and adding captions. that sounds like a big endeavour but i honestly really enjoyed myself :) SO that means i didn't get around to making an appearance here.

camping was great. i loved it. there were a few skeptics who thought a week of camping was too much, and it made me wonder what we'd gotten ourselves into. but it was perfect, just what i needed. we stayed in hardwood hills campgrounds at bon echo. which is kind of like back country camping - deep in the woods. it was pretty empty, with very few other campers. in fact there was one night when there wasn't a single other camper in our section. that was neat but also a little creepy - it felt more noisy and there were more animals around that night. in spite of this, i really loved the reclusivity of it. on sunday it was rainy and the weather prospects were looking bleak. i didn't want to stay at home until it blew over. i figured if it was really bad we could stay at a motel that night. i just needed to get away from home. i love the maxi pad but there's always something that needs doing and i don't find it very relaxing on a holiday. so we headed out into the downpours, driving slowly on the highway, then north at the flying Js. however, around roblin we realized we'd left the bbq at home, so we had to turn around :S when we arrived home we grabbed the bbq and several other items that we forgot, and shoved it into the back of the car while massive raindrops fell on us. we got pretty soaked. the drive was much better and by the time we arrived at bon echo it was mostly just drizzly. we were able to get set up and make dinner, play scrabble then go to bed. the rest of the week was smooth sailing! but i'll tell you about it later.

all week long we called nancy to hear if megan had gone into labour yet. by friday it felt both more-likely and less-likely that anything had happened yet. BUT to our much delight we found out that our lovely new niece had arrived that afternoon :) we spent the rest of the evening thinking about her and talking about our excitement to go meet her. we packed up early on saturday and arrived back into town early afternoon. we went straight to the hospital to see her, ben and meg. she is just the sweetest sweetest thing. her name is audrey megan mclean :) she was so warm and both of us felt like we could just go on holding her and watching her little face all day. meg was doing well and ben was being a super helpful and already getting into dad mode with changing diapers :) it was a great conclusion to our vacation. usually coming home after holidays are kind of anti-climatic, but this time it was exciting to return home :) i feel super lucky to have yet another wonderful niece. and it's so neat to have a niece on the other side of our family. i think ben and meg will make fantastic parents and i look forward to watching audrey grow up.

 

you are the mother -
the mother of your baby child,
the one to whom you gave life.

pacifism

it's been a full week, and as i type b and i are getting ready to go on our first week-long camping adventure. i'm looking forward to it. i think camping will be fun, and this kind of trip is new for me. but i'm also looking forward to it since it will be a nice break from regular life and responsibilities. we won't have any email access for the entire week, so it will be a nice holiday from modern technology as well. i need a break from routine. i recently dreamt that i faked my own death just so i could take a road trip to niagara falls.

i found out on friday that i get to take a business trip to san diego in october for 5 days. i'll be attending and supporting a trade show there. it will be a great growth opportunity for me professionally. this is in addition to my 10 days in berlin. i'm pretty psyched, even though b is less thrilled. i feel like the remainder of the year is going to whiz by with various activities filling the months.

have a great week! i'll be thinking of you.

lead my to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life.

sriracha

i like that traditions are things that develop over time. to some extent they can be planned in advance, but for the most part the best traditions are those that come from natural origins.

so brendan's best bud has entered politics. at 23, robb is the new provincial green party candidate for the area, and we feel pretty darn proud of him. sure he's young, but he didn't enter this position lightly, and has been working with the green party for last few years - so he's very well informed. AND on top of all that, he's a super & smart guy. i read an article about in him the whig today. it was pleasant, and on the encouraging side of neutral. i was a little annoyed that it said that tuition fees is an issue close to robb's heart, since it implied that since he's young and directly impacted by it, it draws more of his attention. that's a false assumption. he's a well-rounded candidate and understand all the issues quite well. plus, i'm quite certain that the concern he has over tuition is not personal but rather a result of the exclusivity and how it impacts the broader picture. that being said, if robb specifically stated that tuition fees is an issue close to his heart than i take back my annoyance. as in my usual method of self-torture, i scrolled down and read the article comments. they were split down the middle between encouraging and spiteful. in fact, the very first commenter only said that he disagrees with everything robb stands for. which made me laugh out loud. how could someone possibly know EVERYTHING that another person stands for simply from reading a short 350 word article. brendan always tells me not to read the comment section of articles because they always upset me. he says anonymous comment sections are where the world goes to be mean. they're like verbal septic tanks. this time, i decided to comment in response. nancy is always saying that people would be less crule if they couldn't hide behind made up identities. so for the sake of being honest and transparent, upright and accountable i used my actual name. i have mixed feelings about this. stating any opinion leaves one open to attack, but you know... robb had an entire article written about him, and is entering a life of politics, so compared to that my online comments are a walk in the park.

today is brendan's last day of work at startek. while it feels like the last 8 months has flown by, it also feels like ages ago when we discussed the idea of him working at startek back in snowy january. i'm proud of him for what he's accomplished. for sticking with it even when it was not enjoyable, and for finding many things he did enjoy about working full time. in a lot of ways, no thanks to startek, i think it was a very changing experience for him.

sometimes it seems to me that humans are what ruins humanity.

you are not alone in this.

fly

the cbc aired a news piece about pain recently. a study has shown that pain is more bearable when it's controlled by the individual instead of someone else (such as a nurse or doctor). they've found that when people feel they have a choice about when they are administered pain medication they can actually manage the pain for longer lengths of time - compared to when they have to wait for someone else to make that decision. i find that very intriging. i'm currently undergoing a lengthy process of being diagnosed with a condition that causes excessive pain around the time of my period each month. since i've discovered this concept - that i can manage my discomfort by exercising my own empowerment - i've found i'm able to diminish my pain enough that it's not crippling. it's still there, but less so. i'm not saying i don't sometimes need painkillers, it just means that i can better determine when they are necessary instead of feeling desperate for relief. mind over matter. i can soothe myself.

i suppose that concept could work for many things: hunger, sleep, boredom, heartache. in a way... this shouldn't be a surprising discovery. people thrive when they are empowered.

 

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

naturalism

for andrew's birthday shannon planned a party for him, but unfortunately since it's summer most people were away so we were just a small gathering. one of the highlights was that we were told to all dress up as andrew. i was quite pleased with my costume - it required more effort than brendan's, he just wore a plaid shirt and a tool belt. i wore airwalk shoes (andrew has a pair of black ones), some long shorts with brendan's boxers (there was a big hole in the bum of the shorts so i needed to wear the boxers so my bum wasn't exposed. i actually found a patch for the shorts and ironed it on on saturday). my orange shirt that has a funny slogan on it (andrew often wears shirts like that) with one of b's two plaid shirts. i wore my glasses, a toque and a sticker that said "hello my name is andrew". then to top it all off i drew on a soul patch. it was fun. and i felt dressing like a boy was pretty comfortable - PLUS it inspired shanno and i to be much stronger when we were moving around heavy long tables. funny how clothing changes our ability. no doubt if i was all dressed up fancy like i wouldn't want to move around tables, much less be strong enough.

bren has this great skill at finding really amazing sites and blogs then sending them to people who are interested. yesterday she sent me two. the first one was a blog entry written by a girl saying that she's done the whole pro-life thing, pro-gay rights, pro-women's rights, pro-peace, etc etc. and has found that it would often make her anti the opposite. which she doesn't like. so instead of being pro causes, she's now pro people. i like that. i like people. i value people. i believe that there is something redeemable in everyone, so being anti any people group doesn't work. i can be pro-people. i can rally for people and always keep their humanness as the focus of my cause.

anyways, the other link she sent was to this online photo article about how kids live in different parts of the world. it reminded me a little of the 'babies' documentary. these kinds of glimpses into how other people live is important. they give us perspective. they give us a dose of reality that we don't get often enough. check it out (click across the numbers at the top or the arrow button). the world is full of extremes. i was left once again longing for everyone to have enough.

at the moment, for some undetectable reason, b and i don't have a lot of money for extras these days. but we have enough :) we've been scaling back to what we need this week and sifting out our wants. it's a good practice from time to time. having limited spending money can be fun. it makes me appreciative and be more careful with how i spend my allowance. it made buying my mumford and sons album even more fun. plus, we made andrew's birthday gift instead of buying, which turned out to be extra fun since it was a challenge and we had to be creative.

 

you can understand dependence
when you know the maker's hand.

metamorphosis

in a week we will be on vacation. being so close to holidays makes me worn, eager and anxious to take leave. i dreamt last week that i faked my own dealth so brendan and i could temporarily escape our reality and take a road trip. in the end we decided on driving down to niagara falls, but were ultimately found out and didn't get to go. it was an unsettling dream actually. one in a series of odd and unsettling dreams.

i'm finding that negativity tastes badly in my mouth these days, or rather my ears. i'm quite affected by negativity, it seeps into me and i can't shake it. it affects so much, because it's a perspective thing. two people can look at the same thing and one person can see something awful and the other can see something redemptive. i can't change other people's perspective, but i want to filter out negativity and speak out affirmation. there is always something worthwhile in everyone. *sigh* i think the key is to seek understanding. and when that fails... then to holding ones tongue.

this weekend, for the first time ever... i bought an album from itunes :D very exciting! bren teases me since i'm so old fashion, but i really like having cds! i listen to them at work on repeat til i'm ready to move on. but i concluded that i could burn it onto a cd. good compromise. anyways, so for my first album download i close mumford & sons. i've been wanting that album for a while. we sing many of those songs at next, so they hold some significance for me.

i struggle to find any truth in your lies.

pince-nez

you know... there are times when i have all sorts of things to say but don't have the time.

then there are times like right now, when i want to write but have nothing to say. i'm not inspired in the slightest. i've got nothing. c'est la vie.

 

the beard is the handsomeness of the face,
and a wife is the joy in a man's heart.

peaches

it seems that i've come full circle. i ate sandwiches every day from kindergarten to sometime in highschool. i grew to hate sandwiches, and have steered clear of them in the second half of my life. but unexpectedly i've started taking sandwiches to work again. i'm hesitant, i'm skeptical, which i guess is why i'm always careful to not eat the same kind every day or else i'll get grossed out and never want to see another sandwhich again. sometimes i use wraps, sometimes i use bread, sometimes i use english muffins. it's going very well, and my tummy seems to like it.

without intending to, the two books i'm currently reading (one reading, one listening to) are unexpectedly complimentary. which is odd, because i did not expect that a futuristic novel would parallel with a memoir from iran. 1984 and reading lolita in tehran are quite remarkable to read in sync. listening to 1984, the bleak tale is next to impossible for me to imagine ever happening. the sexual oppression. the arrests for next to no reason, the constant policing of people, the assigned clothing, the inhumane torture. and yet when i read about the lives of those in iran it's outragously similar. the reasons are different, but the treatment of citizens is the same. i suppose the two differences are that in 1984 they have telescreens and women are treated as equals. it makes me sad that dystopias actually exists.

 

never felt so foreign and free as before.

bookmarks

ok so after the show concluded on saturday night we quickly took the car and got in line at the ferry. there was a fair amount of time to get on and we waited for about 20 minutes for the midnight ferry. however, when the ferry arrived it loaded only about 10 cars before closing up and heading to kingston. we were about 3 cars from the ramp and watched in confusion as the apparently empty ferry left the island. there were still swarms of people on foot standing around the ferry dock. something unusual was taking place. the area was speckled with police cars, and when one officer walked past i asked him what was going on. he told us that the ferry had reached it's max of 250 occupients (mostly on foot) which was why it appeared so empty. he also mentioned that an ambulance had boarded at some point and they are required to take it over to kingston immediately, and that had impacted the ferry schedule. so we waited for the ferry to arrive in kingston then return to the island. it wasn't til about 12:40 that it returned, this time we made it on, but many people on foot were stranded yet again. we made it home by 1:45. we were all exausted and felt terrible come morning. what a day. it's funny how concerts on islands seem to be broken up into two phases: the concert and the ferry ride home. beckie was lucky to make it on the 12:00 ferry. i was glad for that since she had to drive back to her cottage that night.

sunday saw the much awaited baby shower for meg. there was a good mix of folks, which included brendan's crazy aunts. they are funny ladies, who were very entertaining. nancy created a lovely spread of food, and meg received many lovely gifts. it won't be long now. she's due in 12 days, but if she's late it could be until september 8. hopefully she'll come sooner than later. b and i are very excited about the birth of our new niece. i'm super curious about what they're going to name her, but don't want to know until she's born. meg almost let it slip at the shower, which always makes me giggle. baby mclean is due the week we're on vacation. if she's born when we're away we'll drive down to meet her. i only have another week and a half til my holidays! i can't wait! i'm looking forward to camping.

when i arrived home from work last night it took me a little while to notice that brendan trimmed his beard. he's been growing it since we were in ireland and it's grown quite long. he'd decided to grow it til he starts school, but thought he should cut it before we go camping. i was quite excited to see his new shorter beard. it looks kind of fuzzy or something. i have to say... i've been quite surprised to discover that his face looks different. it's as though he's been aging slightly underneath his growing beard and now i get a glimpse at the change. he looks very handsome. whoa whoa!

i'm being haunted by the ghost of the dead mouse.

 

it's nothing but time and a face that you lose.

droop

something gross happened this morning.

while walking thru our house shortly after i woke up, still mildly sleepy, i nearly stepped on a dead mouse. it totally creeped me out.

the cats were so nonchalant about it. my kitties are not kitties anymore... they're both big and grown up now - having taken the life of a small creature. i can't help but think differently of them. i'm not mad, they're cats and killing mice is part of their nature. part of me is glad because it means i don't need to set mouse-traps. thankfully they didn't have the smarts to bring it into our bedroom and drop it at our feet. i'm also thankful that they just ignored it after they killed it instead of slicing it open or eating it. they were quite alert this morning as though there was static excitement in the air. both walked around with a hint of new confidence. sometimes i try watching them to determine which one struck the final blow. i suspect it was honey, but one can't be sure about this.

honey and pekoe are more sheltered then their predecessor fru - i'm not sure why because i treat them the same as him. fru was more urban and edgy. i'd say they're soft and naive - like suburban teenagers.

i have this weird thing about deadness, that i halfway expected the mouse to come back to life at any moment. same with my dead fish when i was a teenager. i didn't like to use the same toilet they were flushed down because of the thought of them swimming back up the pipes and into the porcelain bowl. i suppose this paranoia stems from an extreme lack of experience.

i'm reminded of working at KGH. they'd say "the mouse is expired".

it's odd to overhear my colleagues talk about harper and realize that there's a slight fondness in their voice. anyone who calls him "prime minister harper" with a straight face, and is not being ironic, might as well wave a harper flag.

 

you sprung me, i'm grateful.

jones

so we went to this little thing called the wolfe island music festival. it's this funky little festival ranted within the top 10 best music festivals in canada... but you know... no big deal :)

i woke up at 7:30 that morning totally well rested and excited about the day. there was a lot to get ready since we were both vendors and festival goers. we arrived at the ferry just before 11 which allowed us plenty of time to be in a safe position for boarding. shanno, b and i set to work setting up our dinning tent to house the la tienda merch, and very soon had the best looking booth there :)


being vendors allowed for many opportunities to get to know other festival goers. at least two separate people came up to us and asked if it was the same la tienda from dominican republic because they'd spent some time volunteering their themselves. it was great having b and taylor there since they'd both spent time in D.R. themselves. i hadn't really expected brendan to help out at our booth but he did and seemed to really enjoy himself. meanwhile shanno and i sidewalk chalked the road encouraging people to come check out our booth and support the women's art coop.

business was steady, but not nearly as busy as i'd expected. i thought we'd easily sell out, but people were less interested in the booths than i thought. i suppose it stands to reason that they were there for the music, but for me the vendors at part of the festival. i was also surprised that the fact that the merch was made by women escaping poverty didn't seem to interest people. sometimes i forget that being informed and being concerned about poverty isn't a natural part of everyone's day to day thoughts. in a way it made me sad to realize that many folks are in their north american bubble and care little about the hard lives of others.

speaking of people who care about those who are poor... brendan randomly bumped into a franciscan monk. before b met him, i saw a man in gray robes but didn't clue into why he was dressed that way. i honestly didn't think twice about it. brendan is a HUGE admirer of st francis of assisi, and has been wanting to meet an franciscan monk for a long time. this is again something i forget is not considered normal behaviour. most folks don't look-up to dead saints who took vows of poverty. but i love that brendan does and fully support him. because of him i also have a soft spot for francis and think he was on to something worthwhile. anyways, the monk's name is gabriel. he had a super long beard and looked as though he was in his mid to late 30s. he wore a plain gray robe with a thick rope to keep it together. he was in the area visiting his brother and sister-in-law, and was very kind to talk with brendan about his life as a monk. it was very cool and it made us all giggle with delight seeing b with his completely counter-cultural man.

we packed up our booth around 7 and enjoyed the rest of the bands from a blanket on the grass, and also while standing up close to the stage. it was a great night and the air smelled sweet.

there is more to tell but i'll save that til tomorrow :)

when we go down, your loss of courage,
when we go down, you're so ferocious.

a murder of crows

i suppose it was bound to happen some day. and why not when i'm 31... i have a loose tooth.

i have a baby tooth. my corner tooth. it's always been very sturdy and showed no signs of leaving. but my dental hygienist keeps telling me to be careful with it because baby teeth don't have very deep roots. for some unknown reason, in recent years my adult tooth has "erupted" behind it which means it's come thru the gum. it's not really a big deal. it's not visible and i've gotten used to it.

anyways, my baby tooth has been sore for the last few days. so i decided to give it a slight little jiggle to see if anything happens and i've discovered that it's loose. i have a loose baby tooth.

this isn't good. my dentist keeps saying they can easily fix it with braces. and i keep thinking "i'm not getting braces". not only is it because it's expensive AND i'm 31 (well past the braces phase in life), but back in 2006 i visited kenya. when i was there i saw a woman who had one tooth. just one. i have all my teeth, soon i may have one less. i am grateful for my teeth, and i'm committed to taking care of them. that being said i'm ok with not undergoing the long unpleasant process of braces to fix one tooth. the rest of my teeth are fine and in my mouth. i don't know what the alternative may be. a bridge? an implant? an empty spot? not sure yet. being my corner tooth it'll be pretty obvious that a tooth is missing. i don't want to feel self conscious of my smile. thankfully i have benefits thru work, so some of the expenses will be covered.

 

choose the brightest future.

saucer

i taught brendan to sew a few evenings ago. actually, this was his second sewing lesson. even though i taught him once before he'd forgotten everything and we had to start from square one. he has a pair of pants that's seams unravel from time to time. it's a very easy repair job, and is the perfect opportunity for teaching a life skill.

i don't believe in gender roles. maybe it's because i was raised in a home where my dad could cook and my mom could not. maybe it's because i spent my teens in a single-parent home and had to tackle all the husband responsibilities. maybe it's because i was single for the majority of my twenties, living alone having to fill all household tasks myself. maybe it's my strong willed nature and my desire to be fully capable even if i don't need to be. regardless, there has been no gender distinction in the lorimer bedroom project.

from day one, brendan and i have not fit many/major gender stereotypes. with me being just shy of a decade older than him, it's nearly impossible for our relationship to follow predefined paths. when we were first married i worked full time while he maintained our home. he's a great cook, he's much tidier than me, he enjoys vacuuming. i taught him about car repairs, oil changes, and how to drive stick. it's like cross-training. i think this makes us well rounded, and stronger both together and as individuals.

so when it became clear that his pants were in need of some attention it just seemed natural to teach him how to sew instead of sewing for him. there's no reason why a grown adult shouldn't be able to sew their own pants as long as their fingers all work properly. obviously i would not flat-out refuse, and i'm sure there will be occassions when he'll need my help mending clothing, and i'd help him out for sake of time, etc. i'm not opposed to nurturing him or taking care of him, but it usually manifests in different ways. i help him out with details and plans that he forgets or overlooks. i pick him up special treats when i grocery shop that i know he'll enjoy. i pick him up at work instead of him taking the bus. i print him out directions to venues when he's performing out of town and write him little notes in the comments box. but when it comes to sewing i prefer to give him a life skill instead of giving him a repair job. i very much ascribe to the "catch a person to fish and you will feed them for a day. teach a person to fish and you will feed them for a lifetime" philosophy.

so he got out a needle and thread and set to work. it was tricky. his fingers are big and somewhat bulky. when he struggled i encouraged him that it he's able to play strings on a guitar he can manage a sewing needle. sometimes my teaching methods hindered more than helped. sewing is so easy to me that i would show him once and expect him to know how to tie a knot at the end of the thread. i'll try to take it more slowly on our inevitable third sewing lesson. in the end he stitched up that seam and felt rather pleased with himself. i'm proud of him :)

 

i saw the sky in you, what do you see in me?

gelato

brendan quit his job today. or at least handed in his two weeks notice. wow. it's hard to believe the end is arriving.

it's funny how we climatize to our environment. back in may or june i was so excited to have taken the big comforter off our bed because it is summer. but for the last few nights we've gone back to our winter duvet. it's just so comfy.

for jo's shower tonight i bought her condoms from the dollar store. this is hilarious to me. i should probably include a cautionary note on them. also at the dollar store i got her a pregnancy test and an ovulation cycle tester. all things i didn't know could be purchased at dollarama.

i'm pretty excited about this coming saturday. it's wolfe island music festival. not only does it have a super stellar line-up, shanno and i are vendors! we're selling la tienda merch. i think it's going to be a real hit and we'll easily sell out. it's the right venue, right price, and right merch. i'm very excited about this. i feel like i'm introducing two great friends who will click instantly - women's art coop... meet music fest goers. music fest goers... meet la tienda. i'm yenta and it's a perfect match!

 

my mid-year resolution seems to be turning me into someone who is tidy.

 

i slept through july.

marble

i first met beckie in 2005. she'd just returned from living in northern quebec. she lived in kingston for one year, then returned to the north - this time baffin island. we haven't lived in the same city for 5 years, and even when we did it was just a short time. and yet, we've maintained our friendship, enjoying visits and trips, festivals and overnights. on saturday i visited her at her cottage. it was perhaps the first time we've spent together just the two of us in a long time, and it was really great to have that time together. she's a very low maintenance friend, we don't really have to do anything. we mostly sat around chatting, went swimming, ate some food. we have our share of differences, but accept those differences pretty easily. i drove home at dusk, driving winding country roads, listening to the same album as i always do when i return from visits to her cottage. it was a great drive, the great end of a great day.

she gave me verbal instructions on how to make iced tea. so sunday was filled with drinking homemade iced tea while i scrubbed the pad with baking soda, listening to a classic futuristic dystopic novel. i scrubbed and scrubbed parts of our kitchen i thought were beyond help. i rearranged the photos on our refrigerator. it was an incredibly relaxing day, and i felt very content.

it turns out the iced tea was not decaffinated as i thought it was. i didn't realize this until 2 am last night while i lied in bed feeling not an ounce of tired. i'll have to start making it with decaf because i really really like it. it's very subtle.

holidays are the only days i have to share with brendan since our schedules are not complimentary and we don't share days off. i wanted to do something special, to make use of the occassion so i surprised him by taking him to the aquatic golf range in collins bay. he was quite delighted by the surprised. i'm not much of a golfer but i find whacking the golf balls very fun. i prefer the golf range to regular golf. b feels i have potential as a golfer since i have a decent swing. we're planning on going more often since we both like going and it's not very expensive. i tend to get blisters on my hands from the club, so i may need to invest in a golfing glove.

now that it's august, life is suddenly full of anticipation. wolfe island music festival this saturday. joanne's bridal shower this wednesday, meg's baby shower on sunday, brendan quitting his job, our week of vacation, our niece being born, b getting his wisdom teeth out. full full full. much to look forward to.

 

when you walk, you move like moses.