tidy

i've concluded that interns are similar to angsty teens. at first at least. everything is foreign and new, their outside their comfort zone, they don't have a lot of confidence yet, and i constantly want to say "it's alright, this really isn't as scary as it seems".

my intern started today. she's very nice and i think we'll work well together. it's interesting because it's quite a learning curve for both of us. i've never supervised anyone before. it's difficult doing my own work when making sure that she has enough to do and is managing ok. i think i'll get used to it. she's with me for 4 weeks, maybe 5. i think she'll do great though. i think i'm more confident in her than she is in herself at this point. it's been a LONG time since i started a job. i'm sure it was a nerve-wracking day.

this past weekend was great. lots of time hanging out with friends. a reading date at the goat with b. a shiny new wagon for carting home groceries from the store. i feel pretty lucky.

i've been wanting a wagon for a long time. well... not a long time really, a few months. but still. i wanted a retro looking one – red with wooden railings. when i first told my mom i wanted a wagon she laughed at me. it seemed so peculiar to her. but i can't fault her for that, our brains don't work the same way. putting it together was slightly more complicated then i thought, but b and i hungout on the front stoop working as friends and neighbours came along and we chatted with them about this new rad addition. hanging out in front of our house is great. i always liked doing that at the maxipad, so i'm glad to continue at the exile. it's a great social bridge. after we were finished i carted it down to food basics to buy groceries. it felt so delightful. i never had a wagon as a kid, but i found it so quaint :) it was super easy to navigate around the grocery store too! on the way back the one bolt and nut fell off, but i found it 15 feet behind me and repaired it right away. just wasn't tight enough.

i did cartwheels in your honour.

slow jam

oddly, i'm discovering lately that i'm a person heavily reliant on expectations. that sounds weird. what i mean is that i get super thrown off if when reality is different than what i expected. my sister used to say that i'm not a flexible person, while that's not quite accurate i can understand where she gets that from. i had a bit of a meltdown a couple weeks ago when i arrived home to find that brendan had done work around the house in a different order than i had expected. (WHAT!?!? WHAT?!?! THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED!) and it's weird, because there's nothing wrong with the change of plans, and there's nothing essential to how i expected things to play out, but it's super hard for me to adjust. at first, i think b thought i was just making a big deal out of nothing, but i think he's starting to get it. this is how i'm wired. on occassion i'll find myself in a situation where things are better than i expected, which i like - so it's not that i'm unflexible. there's just part of me that relies on expectations the way other people rely on consistancy. the only solution i can think of is to try to hold my expectations loosely so that i don't rely on them so much. but at the same time, i get a sense of security of knowing this is this, and that is that, and never the two shall meet. i dunno, maybe this doesn't require a solution at all.

i'm super proud of brendan. yesterday he finished this first year of college. he's now officially 50% finished. and he passed with flying colours. i have him a pack of 5 pabst beers. why five you ask? well i needed one myself. it's a little tradition of shanno and mine to have a pabst beer after a papsmear. it's handy that my doctor's office is across the street from the beer store. i got carded :)

i could really go for a tomato and artichoke salad right now. oh man. yum.

sometimes following knitting/crochetting patterns just doesn't work.

we were light and paper thin.

flirty

with a uhaul truck and a handful of friends, andrew and shannon moved into their new apartment above our heads. they've deemed it 'bel-air'. the move went pretty smoothly, except their couch wouldn't fit (it got up the narrow stairs but wouldn't go any further) and their box spring didn't fit either. however... andrew cut the box spring and managed to get it in, and they've found a two-seater couch so they're back on track. it's pretty exciting. i like having them upstairs. it somehow feels complete and the house fills full in a really good way.

after a morning as movers, b and i headed off to TO for dinner and a show. we went to the burger's priest. brendan had heard about it a long time ago and has been eager to go since he first got wind of it. it was pretty good, but wasn't amazing. it was neat because it was clearly hand-made with fresh ingredients and it was a good price, but not mind-blowing. we continue to like lick's burgers best.

it was b's first time seeing ani difranco and my second. the show was in the winter garden theatre which was probably one of the most surreal venues i have ever been to. the whole place has foliage on the ceiling like you're in a forest. the pillars were made to look like trees. the whole thing made me feel like i was at some kind of shakespearean theatre. ani called it "potpourri". i'd left buying our tickets until quite late so the pickings were slim. we were in the last row of the balcony and i was worried that our view would suck. however, we were in the centre of the back and the view was tremendous. the opening band, called pearl and the beard, are totally worth checking out. they were very talented and awesome. the crowd was a lot more diverse than i expected. there was definitely a larger queer and feminist crowd than at a typical show, but they were pretty balanced with couples and families (adults there with their grown children).

there was one lady there with gray dreads, and it made me think of you, jill. you have your whole life ahead of you to regrow your dreads and keep them for 50 years if you'd like. it's going to be awesome :)

we arrived back home at 2 am. i took out my contacts and crawled into bed fully dressed. i would've felt fine the next day if it wasn't for my stupid acid reflux. i've realized that my weird throat thing in january was an acid reflux episode as well. i hope it goes away soon. however, in the meantime i quite like my scratchy voice. sometimes i talk to myself just because i find the sound amusing.

 

nothing I haven't done before.

bonus

you may remember last summer, me talking about a book i was reading called "reading lolita in tehran". it was an interesting book, unlike anything i've ever read before. it immersed me in a world that was so foreign and caused me to feel quite deeply in new ways. that said, it was also incredibly difficult to follow and would often leave me bored. so when i went camping for a week i decided to leave it behind in favour of something more engaging. i next to never quit books, so from time to time i'd pick it up on my lunch break or in between books, and yesterday after the better part of a year, i finally finished it. yay! what a relief. it was slightly painful and i won't miss it, it was like a constant cloud hovering above me. anyways, when i went to mark it as complete on my visual bookshelf (on goodreads.com) i counted how many books i've read since i started it and when i completed it. SEVENTEEN. i started reading lolita in tehran 17 books ago!

my eyes have been really runny lately. it's super annoying. it makes me look like i've been crying and i haven't been. people kept asking me at the blood clinic if i was ok. i was fine, it was just a long day and i was ready to go home. the vacant look on my face was that of eagerness to get home.

last evening i was lying on the loveseat with my legs in the air and noticed my leg hairs. they're now over a quarter inch long and i found that i quite like it. this might seem odd, but i think i like my leg hair more than other legs. the reason why i say this is because i was looking up pictures of hairy girl legs online and i didn't like the pictures at all. it kind of grossed me out a bit. but that was early on. maybe i'll grow to be more accustomed to it as i become more accustomed to my own. so far i like that this is making me one step closer to being low maintenance.

i was digging around in the basement the other day trying to find a throw pillow i'd stowed away. while down there i could hear andrew and shannon talking. i tried to mind my own business, but it was difficult to ignore their conversation. in hindsight, i think they would've appreciated me making my presense known so at least they could be aware that i could hear them. i told b "it's probably good practise to just say 'i can hear you'". b thought that might embarrass them, which is not what i was hoping for. in fact, the opposite. at least if i identify myself they can stop themselves from saying something that could embarrass them. it's funny that i can only hear them when i'm in the basement. in the main level (the sandwich between the basement and their apartment) we can't hear them at all.

 

oh the river, it's running free.

redacted

on sunday, i spilled hot tea all over my lap and it burned in upper inner thighs. it sucked. my legs are ok now, but i have learned the dangers of tea.

as i drove into work this morning, i had this internal debate about whether or not i'd put in my contacts. i couldn't remember and couldn't tell from looking around. everything seemed clear-ish. any difficulty with reading signs was assumed to be because it was early and my contacts were still settling. however, after 5 minutes it finally stuck me that indeed i had NOT put in my contacts and i had to return home again. thus i was significantly late for work. i found it noteworthy that things appeared "clear enough" that i didn't realize that life was blurry. i feel there's a good analogy in there somewhere. afterwards i could see clearly that i had not seen clearly.

andrew and shannon are moving in this saturday. b and i still have some work to do and i'm eager to get things wrapped up. i booked an appointment for this past weekend for 'just junk' to come pick up a driveway's worth of junk. it's AMAZING to be able to see our driveway and picnic table again.

lately... i've been doing a great job of keeping things tidy. i've been doing the dishes every day - something i've never willingly done. it makes me feel super awesome. i'm pretty sure it's because of the boundaries i put around my computer time. i suddenly have time and i find that i'm proactively doing chores because my head is not in the world-wide web but very presence in my house. i think that weeks of renos have given me a taste for doing stuff and not just lazying around. last night i took a walk because i felt like it. it was great. dusk + ipod + outside + alone = awesome. a thin space.

 

i'm starting to get itchy feet. it feels like it's been a while since i packed up my backpack and headed out to unknown places. i'm counting down... four months til costa rica.

you are the morning when it's clear.

mantoux

and another thing....

i really appreciate that at work i know my place. there's no confusion about where i rank, what my value is, if i'm crossing lines or letting people down. i know what i'm good at, i know what my role is, other people know what they're good and at what their role is. there is generally no cross over and i don't feel slighted when important people don't know who i am (that said, the usually do because of the nature of my job, but i don't expect them to sit with me at lunch or give me special attention). having a clear sense of self at work has always given me a sense of confidence that i don't have in my personal life. elsewhere lines are blurred, expectations aren unclear. outside of bbd, i feel that i have to earn my place and that place is constantly changing.

it's odd to me that in a way it's the freedom of regular life that makes me feel like i'm failing, and the structure of the work environment that makes me feel like i'm succeeding.

 

say my name
as every color illuminates,
we are shining
and we will never be afraid again.

fahrenheit

dalton mcginty came to my office today for a visit. we all gathered around him for his daily photo-op and he gave a big speech about how awesome ontario is and how bbd is known around the world. it always makes me laugh when politicians tell us how international we are like they're telling us something we don't already know. during his speech they put a crowd of people around him and i was placed in the front row to make us seem diverse. they were trying to make the women more prominent. anyways, dalton is a lot taller than i thought he'd be - he's over 6 ft - and his ability to talk with such ease without notes reminded me of robb, as he is the only politician i know in real life.

a few days ago i was listening to a conversation on cbc about 'jobs for life'. i found it quite interesting listening to the different callers. there was a very noticable difference in the point of view of people in their 20s and people in their 50s. and i don't even think it's a result of the culture they grew up in, i think it's because of their maturity. the one caller, who i found to be the most obnoxious, was 25 and said that he equates the thought of a 'job for life' as being in hole. now, i think it's not a stretch for me to say that having a job for 30 or 40 years is not the same as being in a hole. now, if he's the thought of having one job for his whole life makes him feel trapped and imprisioned that's a whole other issue, and i think he's not the kind of person who will stay in one place very long. another guy (26) talked with dismay about how he feels stuck in his job and as though he hasn't really experienced other options. what i wish i could have said to these guys and their generation is "it gets better!". the grass is always greener... but eventually you'll stop comparing yourself with those around you.

i remember being a working stiff in my 20s and regularly feeling stuck, that i was a slave to my osap and i didn't have the freedom to explore other things. i used to say "i've given this company my 20s". but now, in my 30s... i don't feel that way AT ALL anymore. that's not to say that there aren't days where i wish i was outside, or working downtown, or at least outside my 8x8 blue cube, but i feel a lot more peaceful now and looking back i can see how working away my salad days grew me into the person i am today and i'm really happy with where i'm at. who knows, maybe it was the shift of my boss, or maybe me just becoming accustomed to the custom of working. but i've come to believe that even if i work this same job until i'm 67, that what i do in this job is going to change drastically. it won't be like digging a hole. i dunno, i guess the job-insecurity we have these days makes me thankful and instead of resentful. it makes me feel that if i have the option to work my job for the next 35 years i'd be a pretty lucky person.

while dalton was shaking hands with the crowd he got close to me, so i ran away because i was too shy.

 

i did cartwheels in your honour.

central

yesterday, wanting to show off his new non-violent intervension skills, b eagerly said to me "punch me". so wanting to test his response to the element of surprise i punched towards him right away. unfortunately he wasn't ready and i ended up punching him right in the chest. hahaha. oops. it turns out he wanted me to punch slowly towards his face. his hold was effective, albeit in slow-motion. i'm pretty sure if i was trying to get out of it i could've :p

we've been really into parks & recreation lately. a few episodes ago it made b laugh the hardest i'd ever seen him, and both we sat there laughing to near tears. last night while we were watching it on the loveseat i noticed how long my brendanawicz's upper arm is. his arm is so frickin' long! from his shoulder to his elbow it's got to be close to 15" long. in my surprise i checked to see if my fore-arm was as long as my upper arm, and it is. i didn't realize that before. weird! when i commented to b about his long long arms (i always knew his arms were long, he had to get his suit arms extended for our wedding, but had never noticed in actuality before), he told me that the girls in his class had a difficult time practising on him in their non-violent intervension class. and that because he's so lanky he escapes easily and that he told them that he'd beat them all up. which made me laugh because i know he didn't mean it the way it sounded.

 

no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out.

jelly beans

i don't have anything in particular to write, but i just wanted to touchbase. i woke up with a tummy ache, but went to work since i realized everyone was off today and i had no one to call in sick to. i decided i could always leave again if i felt ill. by 3ish i was in pain and felt like i was going to throw up so i went home. i was a little worried i wouldn't make it home in time, but i did. thankfully. it might be period related. i'm sure i'll be well again soon. i can eat unspicy foods. i mostly just feel like my stomach has been kicked in.

it was a good easter weekend. a lovely sunrise service. productive friday and saturday. i enjoyed hanging out with shanno upstairs while the boys were at band practice. eating two easter meals. the whole weekend seemed to last a long time. i liked it.

on saturday i invented a two tier dish rack. we have a chart that we keep the dishrack on, and i've placed our camping dishrack on the second shelf for maximum dish drying. it's pretty awesome. i'm extremely enthused about this.

last week i found myself hoping for a glimmer of hope in regards to b's job search, and today seemed to bring a healthy dose of it. job searching is tough, but we worked together to produce a quality cover letter and feel pretty confident that things will pan out in due time. i've just got to become more comfortable with waiting patiently.

i'm not really tired, but my body is aching and silently whining to be put to bed. in spite the fact that i suspect i'll lie there sleeplessly for quite some time.

you are the silence in between.

squeeze

each week day, i eat a banana for my morning snack. on monday brendan picked me up some banana's from metro because i'd run out and needed some for tuesday. unfortunately all the banana's at the store were green. in desperation i thought maybe they're more ripe then they appear. after all i do like banana's best when they're just past green. my struggle to peel it should've been my first clue, because when i bit into it it actually crunched. IT CRUNCHED! A BANANA! ugh. it's been several days and there's still no sign of them turning yellow.

i keep getting a distinct swif of maple syrup. perhaps i'm going crazy.

we're making great progress with the renos. i've discoverd that realistically, i need to start asap when i get home or else i run out of time or don't even get started. so this week we're not cook'in. last night we got wendy's (drive thru - not some friend named wendy), and tonight my incredibly thoughtful mother-in-law is bringing us some supper. we made serious progress last night. maybe in part because i drank coca cola with my dinner and was wired until after midnight. andrew and shannon are starting painting on friday so we're aiming to be finished by end of day thursday - with the exception of a few doors and other details. i'm so very pleased. people keep asking if we want to move up there now that we've completed the renos. i always find that a strange question since we already live downstairs and we like it there. i think the upstairs is great, but it's not our home, it's just part of our house. maybe next time some asks me that i'll explain that would be like moving into their kids room just because they paint it.

so far my leg hair growing experiment is going well. i've been able to avoid the discomfort leg hair getting caught on my pant legs by wearing long tight socks. so far the hair is fairer than i expected, it's kind of a light light brown. it makes me think it won't be as noticable as i thought. i think people's body hair changes with time. i remember my old landlord's leg hair was completely worn off, it was like he shaved, only he didn't.

it's hard to dance with a devil on your back,
so shake him off.

what the... beets?

so, some of you may have noticed that i accidentally posted an email to bren on pspd. that's the hazards of publishing via email, the publishing address comes up like any old email address and i selected the wrong recipient. it's since been deleted but in case you read via a blog reader site it may still appear on your radar. as they say... "the internet is permanent". it will probably always been in circulation.

i'm obviously pretty embarrassed. not that i said anything damming or anything. but it's still pretty embarrassing to have a private convo be published publicly by my own self. i truly am an idiot. or at least that's how i feel.

anyways, i just wanted to clarify what happened, since i don't usually write emails to pals on pspd.

 

please pardon me.

versatile

yesterday i was reflecting in an email to bren about the clutter in my life. i want to declutter not just the clutter in my home but the clutter in my time as well. i ended up concluding that the amount of time i waste on my computer or even watching shows is quite significant, and that something needs to change. i found that i need some boundaries around my screen time. i'm great at coming up with plans, but i stink at following thru with them. i know that coming up with a chore schedule for myself would not work. what i really need to do is change my habits. i come home, i turn on my computer, i waste time, i eat supper, i get caught up in life and chores get neglected. years ago i used to turn on my computer each morning when i woke up, until i found it was making me late for work and wasn't really adding anything to my life. i've changed that habit. so i've concluded that i will post-pone turning on my computer until after one chore is done. and really, cleaning the bathroom or putting away laundry doesn't take a long time, i just lack the motivation. but if my evening is on-hold until i take 5 minutes to do clean that washroom, then i have reason to buckle down and get it done. last night it worked excellently. in fact, i got a lot accomplished simply because i spent less time online. decluttered. this might just be the dawning of a new era for me.

i'm very pleased at the announcement that the penny is being abolished. i've been at odds with the penny for years. they are useless. you can't use them in vending machines and you can't leave them as tips, there's no way to get rid of them so they pile up. frequently i throw them in the garbage. frig, talk about getting rid of the non-essential. i think our change purses will be much lighter. or else they will be filled with useful currency.

it was all so strange and so surreal
that a ghost should be so practical.

when i saw the headline saying federal budget to push back retirement to 67 i thought "aw crap. now i have 35 years to go instead of 33."

foam trays

i had a dentist appointment this morning. while the hygenist cleaned my teeth i watched the tv mounted on the wall above me. first i watched canada am then i watched live with kelly. now that i've without tv for a year and a half, what really struck me this morning was that EVERYTHING was an advertisement. on canada am, they were interviewing their weather man who'd recently been a contestant on the price is right. the price is right is a fairly entertaining show, and i find the retro feel pretty cool, but that show was created strictly to showcase new products. it's one big advert disguised as a game! they also had a segment all about 'must have accessories for spring', which involved bringing in a fashion consultant to go over all the things people need to buy to stay trendy this spring. this sort of thing used to be interesting to me, i always found it neat to see the latest gadgets and so on. but all it is, is marketing. i know that not all shows are built around buying stuff, but it really bugged me and i'm really glad that we don't have television anymore. this is saying a lot since i really resisted it when brendan didn't want tv.

i think i'm starting to see advertising everywhere since this whole shaved legs thing. why should some companies, some people i don't know, influence my choices and tell me what i need or like?!?!

trips to the dentist are uncomfortable and my mouth remains sore afterwards. however, i usually enjoy all the other aspects, such as sleeping in a little bit later, not being rushed, going into work late, having a shorter work day. since we moved i've COMPLETELY forgotten to floss my teeth. out of sight, out of mind. i'd really like to floss more often. it seems simple enough, but piling a bunch of small tasks on top of one another ends up taking a long time. b is ALWAYS in bed way faster than me and i'm crazy jealous.

last night i attended an NA meeting in support of a friend reaching a significant milestone of sobriety. it was a pretty amazing experience. that kind of environment appeals to me in several different ways. it's an incredibly affirming atmosphere. people clap and encourage someone with 60 days clean just as much as someone with 13 years. i think it's because they recognize the value and effort at every stage of recovery. most people are also very frank about their lives and struggles. it's refreshing. i think the world would be a better place if we were more transparent about our vices and hurts. i know that NA and AA groups don't work for everyone, but i think there's a lot that can be taken from their approach even if people resist certain elements. even i feel better having gone last night, it was positive and supportive. they do a lot of reading and the one slogan that really made an impression on me was 'one time is too many, and a thousand is never enough - ever'. to me that speaks volumes of self-awareness. plus people hug a lot, and men cry freely. there's a lot we could learn from such groups.

 

make me laugh, make me cry, enrage me
but just don't try to disengage me.

sheriff

i'm toying with the idea of taking a sabbatical from shaving my legs. this line of thinking only started this morning, but since then it's progressed significantly.

to fully understand where i'm coming from, i should say that i really enjoy having shaved legs. i shave my legs every 3 days year round and have done for i don't know how long (not always, but definitely the last while). having shaved legs is very soft and smooth, and makes me feel good. in contrast to that, when my leg hair gets long and catches on my pant leg i am deeply troubled with discomfort.

as a child i was always extremelly self-conscious of how hairy my legs and arms were. having dark hair, my leg hair was more pronounced than that of my contemporaries. around age 9 and 10 i started to eagerly long to shave my legs and in the spring of grade 5 (around when my parents split up actually, probably not related but still interesting to me) i started baggering my mom about it and she finally conceeded and said "fine go shave your legs". so i did, but i found they looked so odd and exposed so i let them grow back in. funnily enough, i remember the new hair had a bit of an auburn tint to it. anyways, soon after a boy in my class said to me "why are your legs all hairy" and after that i began shaving regularly.

i have been quite happy with my routine and my legs. the thought of even considering something else had never really crossed my mind, even in the company of women who forgo shaving. it wasn't until the other day when brianne mentioned that razor manufacturers started marketing to women so they could broaden their customer-base that it occured to me that this is a custom INVENTED by someone. how odd that seems. how odd that i've never questioned this activity before. slowly it's been occuring to me the benefits of not shaving my legs and stiring in me the desire to give the other option a try. i'm realizing that my arm hair is pretty much unnoticable - significantly less noticable than it was when i was a child. perhaps if i let my leg hair return to it's natural state it may be less apparent than i remember. i'm pretty sure i could get thru the discomfort by moisturizing a lot.

if i do this. if i experiment in this way, i need to commit to a lengthy time frame. i feel that end of march may be a good time since it will allow me the privacy of pants to explore this option. i think i'll give myself until the end of may to assess things, and recognize that i might even need to go to the end of june.

basically, this is not a political statement or even a judgement on the practise of leg shaving. but i feel i need to give natural legs a try to see if i've been selling myself short. i respect beards for being what they are. maybe i should give my own legs a chance too.

 

i wonder what was wrong to begin with
that they should all have to pretend.

scotch tape

yesterday was a big day at the exile. with pekoe regularly using the cat door to the basement, we felt it was time to move the litter box downstairs. we're pretty sick of there being kitty litter everywhere, so we spontaneously decided today was the day. we imagine that we feel similar to how a parent feels taking the step towards potty training. only on a significantly smaller scale. nevertheless we are excited about this new found freedom for saw dust covering our floor (we use flushable sawdust kitty litter).

brendan went out for schooners with ben last night. i can't recall exactly how much beer a schooner is, i think it's a litre or something. anyways, he came one a little bit tipsy, which was highly amusing because that's never happened before.

 

i'm super excited because rach and jill put the idea in my head to take a trip to stratford to see a play and visit jill's new apartment. i mentioned this to b last night and we're now hoping to go for our anniversary in june. how exciting! brendan wants to see a shakespearen play because apparently as a youth (8 or 9 years old) he became obsessed with reading shakespear's tragedies. during indoor recesses he'd read king lear. what an odd kid. thinking back he's not sure why no adult found it strange. it's funny because it seems to explain why he's such a unusual 23 year old.

 

you're only dreaming.

cornfield

oh man, the upstairs apartment is really starting to come together. we got all the flooring done on the weekend and it's starting to resemble an apartment again instead of a construction zone. everything remaining just feels like icing on the cake. it's pretty crazy actually. it's already looking really different to when we first started. when we're done it will barely resemble the apartment lived in by fang and xi. we gave andrew and shannon the choice of not seeing the apartment again until we're finished. they've agreed to that, so it'll be pretty exciting to show them the final product. the funny thing about improvements, they're often unnoticable. when something looks good or right it doesn't draw attention. there are features that i wonder if they won't notice because it looks natural, and we'll have to point it out.

every week we receive 2 communist chinese newspapers in the mail. it's called "the people's daily overseas". that, and the address, are the only parts in english. the rest is all chinese. we're collecting them to use as wrapping paper. i'm curious to see how long we keep receiving them.

it's weird that it's already the first week in march. i keep thinking we're still at the beginning of the year, but we're almost in the second quarter.

 

you are subtle as a window pane.

steps

at work today i got featured in an online publication called "Employee Spotlight". it's this weekly segment on our intranet interviewing a person about their role in the company, the challenges they face, etc etc, and what they like to do with their spare time. the funny thing about me being featured is that i'm the one who publishes it online every week. i wasn't scheduled, but they asked me to be a filler when the pre-arranged person bailed last minute. i have to admit, it was kind of fun. it felt funny though, being in front of the lens for a change. i'm used to my work being distributed to an audience of 1,600 people, but it was the first time that i was the subject of their attention. i'm really glad that i had the opportunity, because i feel there's still some fogginess around what i do exactly and it was nice to have an opportunity for more visibility. i feel this will result in more support from my colleagues instead of me having to hound them – which is usually the case. although i publish the interviews each week, i generally just skim it and then read the part about what they do outside of work. that's what interests me the most. i really enjoyed my answer for that. if you're interested, let me know and i'll send it to you to read. i had to publish a picture along with it. thankfully i took an updated 'professional' looking photo of myself recently for work stuff.

coincidentally, i was also asked today by emma if i'd like to let me name stand as her successor. she's not going anywhere, but it's part of their protocol to be grooming a successor. this is quite the honour and something worth giving serious thought. i told b about it when i got home today and we had a lengthy conversation about it. it's less about me moving into her job if she were to fall ill or leave the company, but more about developing potential in me and providing me with new opportunities and leverage. i think i'll agree to accept the role of co-successor with my colleague susanne. i have 33 more years to go before i retire, and i feel that anything that provide me with new experiences and new qualifications is a good thing. who knows what will happen in the next three decades. right now i have a college diploma in graphic design to my name, and 8.5 years of experience in a high-level communications team. the more on the job training i can get the better position i will be in if i ever need to find work in my field in the future.

since i'm on a roll talking about work stuff... next year i get one additional week of vacation! hooray!

their voices rang with that aryan twang.

trust me

why is it so funny when people accidentally go in the opposite sex's washroom!?!?! i dunno what it is, but it's quite humourous to watch and embarrassing to endure.

so i says to b the other day "do you want to go see the hunger games with me this weekend?" (it's been a while since there was a film in the theatres that interested me). he said "no, i'm not really into things that have hype" (which isn't entirely true, since he himself can get pretty hyped up about the things he digs). i tried several approaches to convince him to come, but envitably failed. however, about an hour later he yelled out to me from the other room "the hunger games is opening this week and it already has 100% on rotten tomatoes!!!! now i have to see it!!" THANK YOU ROTTEN TOMATOES! i danced around the living room in delight. FINALLY rotten tomatoes leaned in my favour. then i remembered that the lead actress was in winter's bone and had gained brendan's respect at that time. so i threw that into the mix to deepen b's commitment even further. that man is stubborn, but when he has suction there's no slowing him down.

with the spring like weather i've started walking at lunch time again. it's been a great escape from the ceiling tiles and flourcent lights.

 

i'm not ready
and i'm not even close.

booster

i need some new music. any suggestions? i feel that lately i hear a song here or there that i really like, but not entirely new albums. i definitely need an influx. the playlist on my ipod reminds me of years gone past and not life as i currently live it.

having a suspicious nature, as i do, can really come in handy. i tend to pick up on cues and details that many folks overlook. the downside to this is that i also read into things that are not there. i need to make sure that i don't let my imagine run away on me. i don't need to borrow worry, that's for sure. my skepticism is going to get on b's nerves if i don't tame my alertness.

i made a big list of what's remaining on the pad upstairs. when i finished i felt that we needed another week off just to wrap everything up. *exhale* it's like eating a horse, right? one bit at a time. its tough since b's now back at school (with only 4 weeks to go in this semester) so he doesn't really have time to commit to renovation activities. i'm looking forward to being finished. in a way, it feels like we've made very little progress. but that's probably because when i'm up there i just see everything that still needs doing.

i picked the kids up at awana tonight. in the car on the way home, caleb asked me why everyone knew me. i found this funny. not EVERYONE knew me, just some people. but being a kid they tend not to realize that i have an identity beyond just being auntie lesley.

lets call our friends
and pretend
we've got ages till the sun comes along...
till the end of the this song.

tiny

it's funny, just yesterday i was thinking about how i'd been eating kind of unhealthily all week because we didn't bother grocery shopping, and today one of my coworkers randomly told me that i was looking pretty skinny these days. sounds like my junk food was cancelled out by not sitting in my cubicle all week :)

i've been trying to think of the notable highlights from our week of holiday. it's all kind of a blur actually, but here it goes...
- the feeling i get on sundays when i know i don't have to work the next day.
- the unbelievable weather
- waking up well rested
- baking during the day
- being active
- having a flexible schedule
- our tuesday afternoon walk
- hanging out at the erbs place as we helped andrew install drywall on wednesday evening
- chips and dip
- my volunteer interview at KGH
- having the melles's over for dinner
- pekoe learning how to use the cat door to the basement (he's so funny. he's super fat so he has to squeeze thru, which leaves his tiny legs dangling for several seconds).
- seeing friends on the street mid-day
- folks dropping by to say hello while we worked
- hanging out with b all the time
- getting my tax return in the mail
- buying a new computer with said tax return
- watching the wire

- going to the beer store all by myself (for the first time) with my hair full of paint to surprise brendan by buying him pabst (i felt empowered compared to all those party-going students)
- having the whole house to ourselves and not having to keep music quiet or worry about not using the chopsaw past 8:30
- creating a lovely living space for future upstairs dwellers

- sitting out on our front porch on sunday afternoon in the sun reading
- not having to wear long johns to stay warm
- feeling excited about spring and a new season in our house

it was a good week. i miss it a little bit, but am quite happy to return to work, which is always a good sign or being well rested :)

 

he's a leaky faucet.

 

escape

well my staycation is over. we had a really great week off and made a lot of progress with the apartment. it's looking great. i'm glad that we have friends moving in there so we can continue to see and enjoy the work we put into it. otherwise we'd never get to see it.

 

i've noticed two things that bother me when it comes to renos - in terms of language of other folks. i don't really like it when people say things like 'you've done very well considering you've never done renovations before' or 'i was worried that it would be hard'. i recognize that people are trying to be thoughtful and empathetic, but i feel that we're a good judge of what we're capable of and if we didn't have the skills to do these renos we would've hired someone - like we did with the ceilings. my feeling is that not only did we achieve what we set out to do, we enjoyed it and it revealed deeper talents. it's disappointing when people say things that imply that they didn't believe we had it in us.

 

brendan and i were a great team. perhaps even better than i thought we'd be in that kind of situation. we've still got work to do, but we're past the hardest parts now. i suspect that the rest will be smooth sailing :)

 

now i'm super excited about our next vacation because we're taking a trip to costa rica!

 

with a buzz in our ears

we play endlessly.

aluminum cotton

day one of my vacation has been a huge success. it was a full day, but renovations are well on their way and we're having a great time. we've hired a contractor to replace the warped ceiling in one of the rooms. we weren't able to determine the cause beforehand, we only knew there was significant damage and it needed to be repaired. however, today the contractor showed us how the beam had begun to sag and was causing the waves in the ceiling. very interesting. he's amended that problem and the ceiling is now almost finished, which is great. the ceilings and the floors are the two biggest projects. the third is the bathroom. tonight we got almost all the wainscoting installed and it's looking AMAZING! i'm extremely pleased.

it's been a beautiful day and i enjoyed being out front of our house chatting with friends as they pass by and meeting my neighbour. plus, i baked brownies mid day and had a visit with andrew. since we're short on groceries (not having time to grocery shop today as i had hoped) we went for a slice of pizza at 2-4-1. walking home i was struck with a sense of satisfaction. even without leaving town i feel invigorated and satisfied. simply knowing that i don't have to go to work tomorrow is a tremendous weight lifted and that alone is one of the best parts of any holiday.

it occurred to me today that this vacation is actually no more costly than any other holiday i take. only usually i'm traveling. b and i discussed this during our walk in the warm drizzle tonight and i concluded that it's important for me to strike a good balance between new experiences and investing in our future. only taking trips is short sighted, and only investing sells the present. i'm glad that we're doing both. and this is a very different kind of experience for us. on the whole it's been very positive and b and i are co-operating well as a team. hooray!

it's going to be a lovely week :)

anybody want a peanut?

rivet

i don't wish to disrespect international women's day, but i do want to express some concerns.

i once read that morgan freeman hates black history month. he criticizes it because black history is american history - you can't separate it like that, by doing so they're downplays it's value and significance. there's no such thing as white history month. so why, if all people groups are considered equal, have a month set aside for black history. he thinks it perpetuates racism.

i think this translates to international women's day. i love being a woman, and i think women have a lot to offer the world. i think they've definitely been mistreated and undervalued in the past, and this continues to various extents today. but to set aside a day for women, does that mean the rest of the year belongs to men? to me this doesn't feel like a step forward. it smacks a little like we're an anomaly. that we're a small or diminutive people group. i get that being a white female in north america i have more equality with my male counterparts than women in other parts of the world. and that these other women need visibility and empowerment. i value the opportunity that international women's day provides to remind us all of the need for equality everywhere, and the ongoing struggle to make change.

i value what international women's day is about: awareness, a call to end violence against women, to empower women, and so on. i think these are awesome things. so why not call it international women empowerment day. let the name reflect action, improved status and quality of life. i wonder it men would be afraid of a day called female empowerment day. it's one thing to let us have a day, one day, a year with our name on it, but it's not enough. this affirmative action day, packaged in a nice and tidy box, can be ignored or simply given honourary mention to. some world leaders give nice speeches and expect this to platiate inequality and injustice for another year. 'what do you mean i don't support women's rights? i participated on international women's day...' i dunno, maybe that's not how it is. i just feel like having a one single day to give attention to women gives an excuse to not give this issues as much attention throughout the year.

i read an article the other day about how 1/3 of women make more than their husbands. why is this headline news!?!?! by saying this is unheard of only reaffirms the social construct that women are less capable than men. and that it somehow lessens their husbands 'manliness' to not be the breadwinners. this is garbage.

i guess i'm more like morgan freeman than i thought. he says that in order to end racism we've got to stop talking about it. he says 'don't call me a black man, call me a man'. don't call me a working woman, call me a woman. and don't give us a day where women are recognized as something valuable, live that out everyday. THAT is what will put an end to gender inequality.

silence is violence
in women and poor people
if more people were screaming then i could relax.

acid

hmph, i'm so mad (translation... feeling inconvenienced). i worked really hard to make sure that i was set up on automatic deposit for my tax return. i mailed in paperwork AND i updated my information in my tax form. BUT brendan's tax return was deposited this morning and i got a message saying mine was sent out in the mail today. i'm so annoyed. it'll take a week for it to come, and then another 5 days to clear with the bank because red-tape PC financial always holds cheques (which bugs me, i don't need them to police my banking). oh well. i shouldn't be so ungrateful. i am actually very thankful to be getting a tax return. i'm just impatient.

fang returned the keys yesterday. but it's weird, he gave us two back, but they're not the same. why am i surprised?

sometimes it takes me a while to wrap my head around changes in plans. last night brendan and nancy made a pretty strong case about putting vinyl flooring in the bathroom instead of clickfloor (if we layed the wood we'd have to disconnect the toilet which would be a major pain). now that i've had some time to think, i'm warming to the idea and will try to look for something nice. i think what bugs me about vinyl floor is that it's kind of an imposter. they design it to pretend that it's tile, when it's not. why don't they just come up with attractive and unique patterns. it could be similar to wall paper in the sense that they could print anything they want on there. if i was a vinyl floor designer i'd create something very art deco. yes, i think i would.

 

you'll be my breath should i grow old.

token

my mother in law came over tonight and we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. that kitchen is WAY better than it was, just about finished. it's amazing. i thought those appliances were beyond repair, but nancy worked wonders. i got the bathtub scrubbed pretty well too. it's old – 71 years old to be exact – so it's not perfect, but it's clean and has character.

tomorrow we're buying new flooring and are having an official lesson on saturday. we'll get the office laid. we're making very good progress.

now i'm thirsty and my feet are sore, so i'm going to sit down to watch the wire with that guy i like.

you're in my bones
and in my dreams.

hickory

it's funny... months ago i commented that if she saw me now, my life as it is now compared to how it was 2.5 years ago, she wouldn't recognize me. what's funny about that, and perhaps a bit naive as well, is that it never occured to me that that might go both ways. i don't think i recognized her at all now.

well... *exhale* fang and xi have moved out - or at least are now living else where. they've left half of their belongings behind. abandoning the things they don't want for us to have to deal with. i have to admit, i've been feeling pretty angry about it and from time to time get ranting about how completely incompetent and idiotic they are. it's very unkind of me and i'm sure its not help anything. the weekend was a bit stressful. it's hard for me to pace myself. to see this as a marathon instead of a sprint. i get really carried away and turn into something like a bulldozer. except b doesn't take it, so we butted heads often. he did a good job of keeping me grounded all things considered. thankfully, having andrew and shannon over to tour the facility was a very neutralizing experience, which put everything back into perspective.

it's like that saying about eating a horse.

the weekend began with me fighting with an extremely clogged tub for about an hour, maybe longer - using 3 plungers, a one-minute plumber, and a liquid plummer. i thought it had defeated me when finally i saw the water swirling and bubbles coming up the drain, then the water was gone. i had won. it was probably one of the grossest things i've ever had to deal with. but i'm extremely proud of myself for conquering it and not having to call in a plumber. weekend ended with me priming the walls in what will eventually be shandrew's office. i danced with my roller, drank beer, ate chips in full view of the street below. it was actually pretty liberating. i felt that as i painted that room that i was slowly reclaiming it. by the time we're finished there will be no remaining hints of the former residents. i think it's going to be one awesome space.

one things we've discovered is that there's no privacy between the two units. brendan could hear my music clearly as he did his homework, and i could ask him what time it was from the upstairs living room when he was in our living room. we never heard fang or xi, but i suspect that was because they didn't do anything. we're installing new floors and sound proofing so we're hoping that will make a difference, but i think the reality is that it will be quite similar to sharing a house. sometimes that's a good thing - it can prompt one to be mindful of their behaviour and interaction since they can be overheard.

 

it's only you, who can turn my wooden heart.

amp

every once and in while i write about pants fitting really well. today is one of those days. it seems i've lost some weight recently, and i'm fitting back into pants i haven't worn since 2009. i'm pretty excited about this because they're the right size and fit. i like that they're tight enough that they don't get all baggy or loose in places, but loose enough that they're not uncomfortably tight. excellent. i'm having a good pants day.

the news of davy jones death the other day struck close to home. he had a heart attack at 66. my dad is 66 and was on the verge of a heart attack when he saw a doctor in december. i'm extremely thankful that they were able to do the surgery and that it was a success. as we and our loved ones get older we really need to be mindful of our hearts! don't take any chances.

so moving day has arrived for fang and xi. i'm hoping that we can go in there tonight to look around. brendan thinks they'll probably leave a bunch of stuff behind. it's hard for us to imagine fang and xi packing and moving. they don't seem like the kind of guys who'd think to get boxes or rent/borrow a truck. this weekend i'm hoping to start laying new flooring in the bathroom. it shouldn't take very long and i'm pretty sure it's a one person job. it really won't be difficult to get that place looking good. a coat of paint and some new floors will go a long way. i'm toying with the idea of buying some fresh reno clothes from the sally ann. some sweat pants or something. maybe i should get some knee pads.

i'm completely delighted because after a few days of experimenting with my tea tree and olive oil mix i've found the right combination and i'm happy to say that my current eczema outbreak has disappeared. or just about. it worked like a charm AND with this combination the tea tree oils aren't so strong that the fumes irritate my eyes when i first put it on. great stuff. at this point i don't know if i should keep using it preventitively or only when i start getting an outbreak.

it's funny how certain albums speak to certain stages of life. years ago i got a jill barber album. i liked it, however it was a bit to enchanted for me to really connect with it. but the other day one of the songs popped into my head so i decided to put it back on repeat for another go. and since then i'm kind of hooked on it. i guess i have fresh ears with a fresh perspective.

the day i met a new love
well how could i be sure
whether it was ever true love
that i had known before.

overhead

every year, i go to 'glen' my accountant to have my taxes done. it's always really straightforward and he's really quite amusing. but last year, with two of us instead of one, it cost twice as much to get our taxes done. since we're in penny pinching mode we decided that we could buy tax software and do it ourselves for a quarter of the cost. so when we discovered we had everything we needed to do file our taxes, i set to work last evening. unfortunately, the software only works on a PC. i looked when i bought it but didn't see anything about software requirements, and one of the computer windows was a mac, so i assumed that meant it would work on mine - it didn't. thankfully b's network is a PC so i transferred the files onto his cd-driveless computer with a USB stick and was good to go. it definitely took longer than it does with the accountant (which only takes 15 minutes), but it was very straightforward and i was even able to watch an episode of the wire while i inputted all our data. we are extremely grateful to discover that our tax return will cover the cost of our upstairs renovations (when added to our already saved funds). this is a relief. our pickle from yesterday is much smaller than projected, in fact it may not even be a pickle at all :)

we got another note from fang yesterday telling us that "the sewer is backed up". not knowing what that means, b went up to check things out. it seems they've somehow clogged both their sinks (kitchen and bathroom) and their bathtub. how they did that is a mystery, but apparently it's happened before. shesh. i called our plumber today and he's going to go by tomorrow or friday.

i'm feeling quite keen to get in there and get started. to come up with a game plan and get going with this project. i think i'm significantly more excited about it than brendan, but i know he'll get into the swing of things and enjoy it too :) to be fair, he is in school right now. but i don't think home improvements are as fun for him as they are for me. probably the difference between hobby and career.

part of me thinks i was worried yesterday for nothing. but the other part of me thinks had i not been worried i wouldn't have filed our taxes so early and wouldn't have the financial forecast we have now. you know? i guess it was a good motivator.

 

remember spring swaps snow for leaves.

sewer

each year i get eczema on my eyelids. my old doctor once told me it was just a rash, but it wasn't. or at least it didn't start that way. my eyelids get itchy and inflammed. it unpleasant. so yesterday i did a search online for natural remedies for eczema and found a list of 7 oils and treatments. when i got to shoppers the main two i was looking for were not there, but i did fine tea tree oil and knew that was one that was listed. AND it was on sale from $13 to just $4 :D so when i got hope i busted it open and got a qtip and dabbed it on my lids. unfortunately, i didn't expect it to be so fluid (i guess i thought it would be more like olive oil - slow moving with substance). it was really quite runny and within seconds the potently, strong smelling tea tree oil had gone into my eye. i was calling to brendan "it burns, it burns!", and he would call back "that means it's working". "no!" i said "it's IN my eye, not on my eyelid!!" i managed to flush it out, but still felt rather idiotic about the whole ordeal. however later in the evening i did find that the inflammation and the itch had deminished so i was not fully prepared to write it off completely. today i did some more research. it turns out that tea tree oil is actually extremely dangerous if consumed, and can seriously damage your eye if large amounts go in. yikes! thankfully i came across a site that gave instructions on how to make a salve to blend olive oil and tea tree oil. which is good since olive oil leaves my skin nice and moist. PLUS it will keep the tea tree from running. man oh man, sometimes i'm not the brightest.

now that fang and xi are abruptly leaving we're in a bit of a pickle. i'm super glad they're leaving and there are many advantages to that, but unfortunately there are also downsides. i need to remind myself that renting vs owning is like comparing apples and oranges. bren keeps telling me that the first year of a move is the most expensive and things will even out. i know she's right, it's just hard for me sometimes when i feel lost in a maze with no end in sight.

 

plant your hope with good seeds.

fluorescent pee

woohoo!!! fang and xi are moving out this weekend! they just gave us 5 days notice, which is totally not legal but we don't care!

 

it's both scary and exciting. we're thrilled to be rid of them, but having to prepare ourselves to do renovations with such short notice and before we've had enough time to save the full amount is a bit rough. BUT it'll all work out and i kind of like this sudden change of plans.

 

i'm now on deck for a week of vacation in a fortnight. super short notice but it's kind of delightful.

 

our main project for the week will be replacing the floors. frank says its super easy and he's even going to come over and help us with the first floor to teach us how to do it.

 

our house...

was our castle and our keep.

acrid

being winter and all, our bed is very chilly when i get into it at night. it warms up but it's uninviting when i first crawl in. the worst thing is when i've finally got a spot warmed up and b gets into bed and i have to move over to make room for him. which lands me back in a cold spot. i decided i wanted to get an electric blanket to just warm the bed up for when i get in, so on saturday i went to get one, but unfortunately they're all out of stock. or at least the ones in my price range are all gone. i was pretty disappointed by this, but i thought back to when i was little. whenever we went to england to visit my grandparents, joy and i would have to sleep on clots in their dining room. my grandma would always give us both hot water bottles (i think they even had cute covers that looked like sheep or something) to keep us warm. so i decided to give it a try because of my lack of e-blanket, and so far it's working great! i'm really pleased AND it cost me nothing AND it won't increase our hydro bill. man, why was i such a sucker falling for new technology before even giving an old faithful approach a try. this is excellent. in general i always feel a longing for that which is most simple.

its funny because i dreamt of my grandma last night. i think it's because of the hot water bottle. it made me miss her in a way i would never have expected.

can't get by on just crabapples.

independence

so last saturday, b and i visited the rock and roll hall of fame. it's a pretty amazing place and an extremely well done museum. so far we consider it and the guinness store house our two favourite museums visited together.

the building was designed by architect i.m. pei – who designed the pyramid at the lourve in paris. the hall of fame resembles the lourve because it too had a pyramid incorporated into it's design, only it's just a half pyramid. it's located right on the shore of lake erie, which means when you look out the large windows you can see the water lapping up against it's north-western facade.

the main lobby area contains a lot of props from music videos and concert sets. it's got these mini cars from a U2 tour, the big W from weezer, a hot dog car from phish, and the gwen and moby signs from their collaborative music video. in the same open space, only 3 levels up is all the gear from pink floyd's 'the wall'.

when we paid our admission we also bought tickets to a 3D movie of a U2 concert. it was about an hour and a half and showcased their performance in buenos aires during their vertigo tour. in all honestly, it was the best 3D we'd ever seen. it really felt like we were right there. they did an incredible job with it. we really enjoyed it, but i did feel a bit antsy to get going and see the rest of the museum.

it may be hard to believe, but i can completely unbiasedly say that brendan is the best person in the world to visit the rock and roll hall of fame with. while i knew who a lot of the people featured were, a lot of the content was still above my head, but brendan was able to explain everything to me. not only does he have a deep love for music, he also has a deep love of music history. everywhere we went there he was constantly saying "oh man, oh man". it was so funny. it was like he was going to faint any second. it was mostly the guitars that had him glowing. muddy waters, duane allman, and many many 1959 gibson les pauls. he felt really torn in seeing those guitars because it was both amazing and yet almost sacrilegious to have them in glass cases instead of being played.

my favourite guitar was the ani difranco accoustic featured in the 'women who rock' teaser section beside sue tedeschi's electric. after visiting the 'women who rock' exhibit i found it a bit disappointing that these two incredibly talented and strong women in the music industry only had one guitar shown each and no official tribute in the actual exhibit – meanwhile britney spears and carrie underwood did. one criticism that b had of the hall of fame is that many of their installments are extremely questionable for a rock museum. but in truth, it seems to me that it's slowly morphing into a music hall of fame rather than just rock.

they don't permit photos so we don't have a lot to show of our time there. from what we understand it's because everything on display is on loan from the individual or their estate, and so they can't permit photography of things they don't own. i dunno. it's ok though, it just mean we were more present in drinking everything in. it was quite the experience :)

wake up but keep dreaming that you were meant to fly.

euclid

she told me i look like the mona lisa.
in that photo.
i think it's the smile.

we went to the cleveland museum of art on sunday. it was free and it was art, so it was a must. we walked thru the large rooms with high ceilings, carefully walking on the wooden floors. it was the first real art museum we'd been to together. and to be truthful, i wasn't sure if it would interest b. but we both loved it. there was a really great selection and i liked how from even from a distance i could identify the artist of most pieces. it harkened me back to my days of art history - my favourite class in college. as we left brendan summarized our time there wonderfully. he articulated it in a way that i've never been able to. he said "i like art museums because they make you feel" (the proverbial you). we're both feelers, so this appeals to us a great deal. it's true, the art we saw, it envoked a response in us. i can't really describe it other than it made us feel. i look forward to many more museums in our future.

at school this week, b was telling his classmate about our time in cleveland. visiting the rock and roll hall of fame and the art museum. she asked him "does lesley like those things?" and he said "yes, that's why i married her". it wasn't until that moment that i realized that not everyone appreciates history, or spending their time exploring it. sometimes i forget exactly well suited b and i are. it's easy to take that forgranted.

 

and though the holes were rather small
they had to count them all.

vertical

well, there is still much to tell you about our trip to cleveland, and i will get to that. soon. probably.

what has gripped my excitement today is that i've been asked to take on a student who is looking for a placement as part of her graphic design diploma at humber college this spring. the timing of this is quite interesting since only yesterday i was pondering if i would consider taking on student interns now that it's up to me. the knickers HATED student interns and summer students. it was never even a question before. but now that i'm kind of like a free agent (without a boss on site) this gives me the ability to decide for myself. so i have accepted this challenge - along with Frank of course. We'll both work with her, but she'll mostly be my responsibility. i'm pretty excited because i really want to plan something for her that will really be beneficial and worth her time. i want for her to leave here feeling better equipped and better prepared for her new career. my placement was a bit dull, and while it wasn't bad it wasn't great either. i've had my fair share of boring jobs and internships that i feel able to come up with something that will really help her.

the girl, i think her name is jodie, is the daughter of an engineer at my work. he's going to bring her by on friday to meet frank and me. hopefully then we can exchange emails and in the coming months dialogue about what her goals and objectives are - what she would like to get out of this experience, etc. i'm also pleased because this will be a good and short-term opportunity for me to develop my leadership and mentoring skills. i've never managed anyone before. this will be a good chance to get my feet wet. i almost want to ask her to evaluate me at the end too :p

i'm feeling much better about the idea of managing parenting and working in the future. in fact, i'm on one of those upswings that makes it seem ridiculously easy. i know it won't be, but it's nice not feeling afraid of that, but instead feeling kind of excited.

brendan was in daycare full time as a kid and has really fond memories of it. i like hearing his stories from those days. my favourite one recently was how he loved bread crusts so much as a kid that he even convinced other kids at the daycare to start eating it. haha. what a guy. did i ever tell you that he went to the same daycare that i worked at? thankfully not at the same time, but close! i was 17 when i got that job, which would've put him at 8. joy had that job before me, and it turns out she actually WAS one of his teachers. haha. so funny. i like that b and i both got to experience bay park children's centre in a very tangible way. on the drive home the other night we were swopping stories of some of the teachers there.

 

my chia her garden has died :( i guess that window doesn't get as much sunlight as i thought. i need to come up with a plan B.

 

get over your hill and see
what you find there.

chagrin

lately, not in great depth or anything, i've been feeling a little conflicted. it reminds me a little of something rach was writing about recently about having a dream for doing something different with her life in the future and (forgive me if i don't explain this very well, rach) the discomfort she feels with not being able to pursue her passion now while simultaneously living out another passion (raising her children).

i tried to talking to brendan about this just now, but it didn't go very well because i can't sort out my feelings very well thru talking and i wasn't making any sense. plus he couldn't relate. 

i feel really torn when i think about my desires for the future. this week i have to set my 2012 objectives with emma, while at the same time provide a summary of where i want my career to go. i like my job, i like how it's evolved in the last 8 years and i like where it seems to be going, but it's not all i want in life. 

i don't really know how to explain this, so i have a strange analogy... when i was little for one reason or another (i can't remember the specifics) i had $30. over a short period of time i kept coming across options of things to buy and ways of spending that money. i remember being at a book store with my mom asking if i could by something and she said i didn't have any money with me (i was about seven years old) and i said to her "i have money at home". before i knew it i'd spent all of my money. no matter what i came across i kept thinking i had $30, but slowly i whittled it away and in the end didn't really have anything to show for it. 

i had difficulty keeping my spending in context. to remember that i didn't have an endless supply of $30 and that i couldn't simultaneously buy a bookmark and an candy without depleting my savings. 

so how does this relate? i have difficulty with the spacial reality of the future. it's not that i forget that i don't have an endless supply of time, but rather that i can't spend my time two different ways. there is only 24 hours in a day and those hours can only be spent one way at a time.

rach recently also wrote a blog entry about homeschooling. while i've never seen my self as a homeschooler she wrote about it in such a lovely way that it inspired a desire to go down that avenue. but the reality is that i can't both have a fulfilling full-time career and a stay-at-home mom who teaches her children full time. it makes me feel so frustrated that my career is not flexible (like some women who's hours can be cut back) and that it's not financially viable. i realize that someday brendan will be employed, but we don't know what that will look like. who knows, life might surprise us, but for right now i've got to go with the facts as they are and not with what they could be in a surprisingly good best-case scenario. besides, it's really not about brendan at all. it's about the choice that i will have to make between work and mothering (not like this is even remotely in the near future - we don't plan to have kids before late 2014) and the pressure i feel from both myself and my environment. i know a shockingly low number of full-time working moms. i find sarah really inspiring and i often think of her as a good example of work-life balance. but i envy her that her mom provides her full-time childcare and i don't think that's an option for me. i'm sure that nancy would LOVE to provide us with childcare but she'd still be far from retirement by the time we have kids that that wouldn't be an option. so anyways, i do feel a lot of social pressure from my surroundings and feel i will come up short by appearing to choose my career over my family. i do have friends, at least one in particular, who voluntarily choose to live below the poverty line so they can full-time parent their children. will i seem materialistic or money-driven if we chose to not make that sacrifice? 

man, that was a bit of a tangent because this isn't even solely about having kids. being here in cleveland has made me think about what it would be like if we picked up and moved here, or any other place for that matter. what life are we missing out on by remaining in the city we grew up in? i'd love to have a job downtown that i could walk to, or totally change careers, or grow all my own produce, or take up surfing, or have really big and wild hair. maybe some awesome tat-sleeves.

i dunno. to me this seems like the same-old same-old problem i've always had. maybe it smacks of 'grass is always greener'. i suppose we'll need to thoughtfully and prayerfully make decisions as we face them and trust that they are the best choices for the circumstances we're in. it's just the thought of looking back and regretting the choices i make is too much for me to stomach. i've only got one shot at it and it makes me ill to think i may wish i'd done things differently. 

anyways, i think that's it. i feel better now. turns out i didn't even need to share this with b at all to feel better about it. i should go. it's getting late and this isn't how i imagined spending my last evening in cleveland. that said... i don't regret it ;)

i've got money in my pockets, 
i like the color of my hair. 
i've got a friend who loves me, 

got a house, i've got a car. 

montezuma

we've arrived in cleveland :) the drive went by pretty quickly. it was great having a GPS and we named the GPS lady 'donna' . i think the drive felt short because i was always just looking for the next city. brendan was feeling much more tired than i was, but really perked up after i started driving. the entire trip took 7.5 hours and we broke the driving into two sections - each taking half. at one point when we stopped for a break the car started making an odd rattley sound. we checked where it was coming from and didn't find anything so we kept going and the sound has stopped.

our hotel is really great! it's the red roof inn. we got a really great deal - $46 a night! we've stayed at hostels in ireland for more money. and it's really nice. it's got wood floors and a nice flat screen tv. we like to enjoy tv watching when we stay at hotels since we don't have one at home. its a luxury for us :) we're watching 300, which is a bit of a guilty pleasure for both of us.

i'm having a great time and feel really unwound.

i can think
and say and see.

buck

b and i are heading out on our roadtrip to cleveland today. we're super excited. we really like roadtripping and we're very curious about what cleveland is like.

we're all set with snacks and a borrowed GPS to hit the road. we booked our hotel on wednesday and got a really good rate. it should take about 8 hours to get there. 6h 45m on the actual road plus stops for food, gas and washroom breaks. when on long trips we play 20 questions (although i come up with really random people and b loses interest), and listen to music, have long conversations about a variety of stuff. i never get sick of spending time with that guy. i feel pretty lucky.

we're taking our little netbook so hopefully i'll get to write while we're there :)

forget what you have to do,
pretend there is nothing.

skin

while i had dreads it seems that my hair changed. like friends who continued learning and changing during an long absense, my hair and i had to get reaquainted. it's been something like 2 years and i'm still a little unsure of how to manage these changes. it's grown in wavyer. it's a little more unruly. mostly, the part just doesn't cooperate. the back, near my crown, flips when it's supposed to flop. it zigs when i want it to zag. so i've given up. i can't find a way to make it work, so i'm changing my ways. i've decided to start parting my hair on the right instead of the left because it then works with my crown instead of against. surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly) i think my hair looks particularly nice today. while it's conforming to it's natural patterns it's also more full and robust. and i like it.

last night, in keeping with our valentine's day tradition, brendan and i wrote and read to each other lists. lists of our favourite things about each other. the neat thing about this is that each year they're different as we discover and appreciate new things about each other and our connection deepens. it was really quite lovely. and i was all crying and stuff. a new addition to this tradition was a pair of cupcakes. after work i went down to the cupcakery and got us two cupcakes on my gift certificate. it was super busy in there. the busiest i've ever seen it. they'd sold out of everything and were making them as customers stood in line. good to know for next year! i think they were just as surprised as i was.

i fell asleep on the couch last night at 9:30. it was good.

you think that i don't understand,
but i do...

bricks

last night, pulling in the driveway, my right front tire made contact with the corner of a decorative wooden railway tie and popped. that said... getting a flat tire in one's own driveway, in daylight, when her husband is home and her friends around, is probably the best place/time to do it. oddly enough our car did not have a jack, but thankfully we were able to borrow rach's. neither b nor myself had ever changed a tire before, but i'd seen it done and it seemed pretty simple. it went pretty well. we were a good team and with the full-size spare i was able to drive to work this morning.

this is turning out to be one of those hidden blessings. i dropped the car off a mechanic down the road from the office. as i pulled up i saw a sign out front saying "tire event". good timing. i've been thinking for quite some time that it might be time to replace our tires but since i don't like spending money i'm not great at preventative maintenance like that. but it turns out, the tires were really worn down and all 4 need replacing. i'm very thankful that we're getting them replaced since we're driving down to cleveland this weekend and it's good to know we'll have good tires on. also this is giving me the chance to get new belts, which has been needed for about a year since the car squeals and shireks when it's first turned on.

in spite the fact that this will end up being the most expensive car repair i've ever had, i don't mind because i know it needs doing and it will get the car all set and ready for the road this weekend. it's nearly a 7 hour drive there, and another 7 back and i did have the thought at the back of my mind that i should do something about those belts before we go.

 

it's just tough since we just got our washer installed which was expensive and have to pay off the balance of our equal-billing (that was not covering the costs properly) at york street. we have a tenant who may or may not be moving because we're not lowering the rent, and are about to do renovations upstairs. PLUS, my dad is back in hospital after passing out a bunch of times.

while i'm not panicking, it's understandable that i've been stressed out and overwhelmed lately. i'm coping ok though. i'm feeling calm. more calm. but looking forward to this being behind us.

 

they keep pounding their fists on reality
hoping it will break.

thumbs

for the first time, last friday i missed knickers. not missed her in a nostalgic sense, but i felt her absence in a very real way. she was a real fighter and networker. she knew the ropes and would fight fires on behalf of our team. on friday i needed to get some information from one of the engineers, so i went over to speak to her. in doing so, i found myself caught in the middle of two engineers and their opinions. i had to stand there with them for at least an hour because i needed the information decided at the end of their discussion. after that was finished i then had to go speak with a director to explain the results of that conversation and come up with a course of action. all this to say... i felt like a young adult who finds herself launched into the real work only to find she no longer has her parents to fix her troubles any longer. it hit me that the weight is now upon my shoulders. there's no one else but me. i am now the communications rep at our site. i have to network. i have to chase people. i have to fight for our team. knickers is gone and emma is stationed overseas. it's just me. and that feels like a big deal. i'm not really made for that sort of thing. i like just doing what i'm told and not being a decision-maker. networking is not enjoyable. it's draining to be around people, especially at work where i am stationed in an open concept room with 20 odd other people. i wish sometimes i had walls that could provide me with some shelter. then in my small alone space i could recharge. the empty space around me could radiate energy back into me.

yesterday was a bit dicey. at times i felt ok, other times i did not. i'd occasionally give b an update so he'd know where i was at. i wasn't / am not sad. i feel worn. thin in spots. threadbare. i'm planning on laying low this week. spacing out my commitments, maximizing my resting time. part of me feels badly that i need leisure time. that's not an option for people with kids. but i suppose i shouldn't be comparing myself. this is me and where i'm at. and maybe i should take advantage of the freedom to relax in order to recharge simply because i can.

beckie told me to take care of my day-to-day things in order to establish good mental hygiene. i like this approach. i did another load of laundry. the luxury convenient laundry is quite addictive. it's so nice having clean clothes, sheets, towels, etc. it's also really nice how easy that can be accomplished. SO great.

 

rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye, the baby that is me
rockabye, rockabye baby
rockabye till i'm fast asleep.

helium

this has been a weird day. i feel that it's safe to say that i'm definitely depressed and it may not be just the weather. all week i've been a bit off. stressed, anxious, overwhelmed for no apparent reason. i've been feeling really crappy about myself and that i'm letting people down or always doing/saying the wrong things. anyways, today for no apparent reason i had a total breakdown. i'm feeling a bit better now, or at least i'm up and doing. it's scary not understanding why i feel this way and not knowing how to soothe myself. brendan was really great. i feel like i trust him even more knowing that he can stand by me when i'm at my worst. right now every obligation or commitment i have seems like a gigantic hurdle that i'm just not up to facing. and yet, avoiding such things only makes it worse. i'm looking forward to our trip to cleveland next weekend because the only thing i will have to do is go on a trip and have a nice time. 

i haven't felt this bad since my early 20s when i suffered from depression for a year. things just don't feel right inside me. 

in spite of this, there were some nice parts of today. brendan and i assembled a shelf unit for my dad at his apartment. i got my hair cut. i did my first load of laundry in our new washing machine. and we went out for dinner to copper penny. 

we bought our washing machine about a month ago. i'm pretty sure i told you the harrowing tale of us carrying it into the basement.  after that we contacted 3 plumbers to assemble it and aside from the one plumber who gave us a quote then blew us off, we made no progress. so out of desperation on thursday i decided that i would call thru the phonebook until i found a plumber who would install it (we didn't have a hook-up or a drain in the basement) on friday afternoon when brendan was home (his only chunk of time off school). thankfully the first place i called was nice and close by and they came over that afternoon to give us a quote and then came on friday to hook it up. i'm so grateful. it feels pretty awesome having laundry at our disposal. it amuses me a little that between buying the washer and getting it installed makes it the most expensive load of laundry ever. i think i'll need to do another load tomorrow. we don't have a dryer and the clothes are drying on racks so space is limited. 

b has gone over to next to get the music ready for tomorrow. i'm tired but i'll wait for him to return because i don't want to go to bed alone. having him with me is comforting. right now i feel squeezed from every side, even if i don't know why. having him with me is reassuring. it's nice to know there's someone in arms reach if i need it.

your hair's on fire, you must have lost your wits.

catnip

in my new fancy planner at work there are tips for environmental living. so far they've all be neat and enjoyable tips, except last week it said that to save water and time you should brush your teeth in the shower. that just seems WEIRD to me and i don't see how it would save either time or water because you'd have to stand there brushing while streams of water poured down the drain. do any of you do this? does it at all seem like a productive thing to do?

my dad got released from the hospital yesterday and is staying with joy for a week. they had a meeting at their church so brendan and i went over to baby sit the kids and help my dad get settled. before we set to task, he took down his pants and opened up his shirt to show us his incisions. it was hilarious. he kept doing these muscle man poses with his big belly and bandages everywhere. his chest incision is about 8 inches long and the ones on his leg, where they took the vein, make his thigh a dark maroon colour. the entire thigh. we were talking and laughing, swapping stories, which got my dad laughing so hard that his chest hurt and he took some time to get settled again.

it's funny how whenever i spend a lot of time with my dad, especially when we're working together toward an objective, i see how similar we are. he's very brash and so am i - in the same ways. i think that's the right word for it. brash. he was in a big hurry to get his dialysis machine set up and when he found things were missing/left at home by accident he got really worked up about it. sometimes, in his anxiousness, he got annoyed at me because i didn't fully understand what he had in mind - because he hadn't fully communicated it. he easily lost things. these are all things i do, except i get annoyed at brendan. it was a very eye opening experience and it helped me better appreciate what it's like to be on the other side of my brashness. i think i'm a little better at soothing myself than he is, but he responded well when i prompted him to calm down. all in all, i find him quite amusing. growing up with my mom and sister, who operate very much alike in how they organize things (both 'J's), it's nice having a family member who operates like me. i think it's easier being a girl. most women who come into contact with a man like that thinks he need to be changed or corrected. i'm pretty grateful that i'm not seen as a project by my partner.

this morning, after i making my lunch, i put in my contact lens. it instantly started burning my eyeball. i screamed out in pain and brendan rushed to be in alarm. i'd stupidly not washed my hands after mincing garlic, so the oils were transfered to my contacts, then into my eye. brash. brash, i tell ya.

 

if there's anything i've learned
all these years on my own,
it's how to find my own way there
and how to find my own way back home.

huggie

i'm amazed by how much a little bit of water changed my life 20+ years ago and i knew nothing about it. i'm saddened and yet a little relieved. things make more sense now.

visiting my dad in the hospital today was an encouraging experience. he's doing remarkably well. as i thought about it afterwards i don't recall seeing him as happy before. i think it's the combination of having a near death experience and surviving, but also he's so extroverted and it seems that being at the hospital, being around people constantly, has really been good for his soul. it seems to be bringing out his most lovely and warm side. five days after surgery and they're set to release him tomorrow. to see him you won't really believe that he just had major surgery. he's up walking on his own unassisted. he's lively and spunky. he seems like a perfectly well gentleman.

while at the hospital joy and i joined my dad at an aftercare session. this covered physical restrictions, a talk from a dietitian and  some medical information. the dietitian made it clear that the tips she was providing are good principles for everyone, not just people with diagnosed heart problems. she talked a lot about salt and encourages a no-adding salt approach. this prompted my dad to give me a 'i told you so look' since he's been waging war on my use of salt for my entire life. she suggested mrs dash seasonings instead and i decided to give that some thought, and when i looked up the website later i was quite impressed by the selection. so i'm giving up adding up salt to my foods in favour of spices :D

we're having some difficulties with our tenants. they're trying to convince us to lower the already low rent. i felt badly because he looked like he was about to cry. it's extremely awkward and i know we're in this crappy situation because they had no lease or defining agreement. that said, we're not negotiating with them. i feel sorry for him, but this issue is actually between them as housemates and doesn't actually involve us. blah......

i always wanted to be
commander in chief
of my one woman army.

cardiac

i just talked to my dad!!! he's doing very well.

his surgery was a success. the doctors were very pleased. it was a long wait from the time he arrived and the time they started the operation but it sounds like he waited patiently. the staff were great. as he lay on the table and they drew lines on him and all sorts of things they got him talking about his grandkids, how old they are and what they're like. i thought it was so lovely and professional of them to distract him and get him talking about something he really cares about.

when he came out of the anethesia later in the afternoon he was very disoriented and began pulling out the IVs. we've since learned that this is a common side affect but when we first heard how he was doing we were quite alarmed. the nurse said he's like a bowl in a china shop and they were trying to stop him from hurting himself or reopening his sterum. they needed to restrain him and although i'm sure that wouldn't help his disoriented state i knew it was important to protect him. in speaking with frank today, i discovered that the same thing happened to him after surgery once and he was tied down for 2 days (and has no memory of it). they thought it was in quite a bit of pain so they increased his pain medication and he soon calmed down.

i called this morning for an update and got to talk to him. that was really fun. his voice was rough and quiet but he was fully lucid. he said he came to around 11:00. he told me "the only problem has been that my machine" (for dialysis) "isn't working properly". this made me giggle secretly a little since he has no idea about last night's problem. he later told me that apparently he was very disoriented last night, but didn't remember any of it. that's good. joy was very upset at the time that he might be feeling afraid so i'm glad that he has no memory of it.

he was so grateful for all the people who've been praying and i told him about the messages i received from my cousins wishing him well. i think it meant a lot to him to hear that his brother and sister-in-law were praying for him - i don't think they've talked in years, it's nice the way this sort of thing can remind people that they really do care about their relatives.

i'm so thankful that he made it to the surgery without having a heart attack. i'm looking forward to seeing my dad return to good health. i don't think he realized how limited his energy has been.

me+b and joy are going to go in to see him this evening and he was really happy to hear that. i'm looking forward to seeing him. plus i'm always happy to visit people at the hospital. it's a unique environment that i became quite familiar with when i worked there in my salad days. i'm glad i did house keeping instead of kitchen duty because it gave me the chance to go into pretty much all departments of the hospital. except the morgue. i have no idea where the morgue is. i was always a little worried that i'd stumble into it by accident.

anyways, another life experience has been had. and i'm very thankful.

you're going to be fine.

davies

right now my dad is in open heart surgery. it's disturbing to think that he's currently cut open and undergoing a very invasive proceedure. in any other scenario blood, flesh and metal instruments would be a bad combination. all this said, i'm focusing on that this is pain with purpose. not that he's in pain but you know what i mean....

joy dropped him off this morning and she said he was feeling very peaceful about it. tim, since he works at the hospital, went up to meet the surgeons etc, and headed back down to his wing when they took him in to get changed. i'm thankful the last month and a half have been a relatively smooth process, and i'm looking forward to later tonight when he's in recovery. i suspect he'll be out around 4 or before. it's a 3 to 4 hour operation.

don't you let your red heart go cold.

wire

i just found some green paint in my hair. this surprised me since i thought all the paint was finally gone. while we're on the topic of hair... i'm getting an influx of grey hairs. many of which are not completely grey, just grey at the tips. it's very peculiar. b has no grey hairs. and before you get all like "well he is 23..." i had grey hairs as early as 16. it makes me wonder at what pace my pigment is disappearing and what it will look like in 5 or 10 years.

well... my dad's surgery was rescheduled again and he's currently on deck for tomorrow. i feel pretty hopeful that it will go thru because usually by now it would cancelled. i'll be glad when it's behind him and is starting his recovery.

lately i've been playing a lot of tetris. it's a really great way to pass the time when i'm waiting for something and i really enjoy the challenge of it. i've often compared packing a car with luggage to tetris and find it very satisfying to cram stuff in the trunk. as teenagers melinda and i used to play super mario bros while listening to radiohead. similarly i've been turning down the volume and listening to itunes or cbc radio3. it's really quite a fun leisurely activity. brendan comes watches me play. he's pretty impressed by my skills and i think it makes him like me even more :p

the kitchen chalkboard is finished and it really completes the room. it looks fantastic! man i love our house. i really hope we'll be able to live there a long time. i feel that the looming possibility of there not being space for babies hangs over me and is diminishing my sense of home. it's like i don't want to make roots there if we have to move unexpectedly. it will still be several years before lorimerettes enter the world but it's still bothering me. i guess that's because we fit so perfectly in the exile right now. but we're both committed to keeping things as simple as possible and striving to manage in a small space. in a way, i think our limitations will help us achieve that.

i'm a real cheapsake. b says that's partly why he married me.

 

if i'm more then it means less.