accidentally

that doesn't make any sense. it makes so little sense, in fact, that i want to bang my head against my wood-panel walls while saying "THAT.... DOESN'T.... MAKE.... ANY.... SENSE!!!" all i know is that LIFE IS WEIRD!

i love swedish berries but i'd forgotten that they make me feel like ass.

her fish died. i love that she cried so much. it's a lot for a 5-year-old...

i have pieces of paper littered around the pad with quotes scribbled in them. in addition to bits of paper i also tend to jot them down in my crossword books. i often get a kick out of later finding things like "she had a mark on her neck that closely resembled a hickey" written on random pages. i don't do it on purpose, but i forget after i've done it, which puts them out of context and makes them way funnier. *sigh* what an amusing life i lead.

i had a good weekend. hatch is motoring along – which is great. although, i feel like most of the pages need some tweaking. that's ok though, nothing's set in stone. i love that it doesn't feel like work, it feels like art. however, i have no idea what i'm going to eat for lunch tomorrow because i haven't cooked all day. when i'm in work mode nothing else exists. including tomorrow.

he told me that i'm a graphic design snob. i think he was trying to get even with me.

i think i put my shirt on backwards.

seduced

there are approximately 4 people in the world that i would drop everything for at 10:00 on a saturday night to go out and see. david is one of those people.

he's in town to see his niece, but i went out to the west-end to get him and we drove around for a while. his brother lives super close to my childhood home so i showed him where i used to live. then we drove out to millhaven and i showed him where i work. it was really dark but we saw one of the trains being driven on the test track – i freaked out and got all excited because i love trains :) it was really great to see him.

this afternoon bren and i played squash! i haven't played since 2005-2006, and she hadn't played in 6 years. we did surprisingly well. we didn't manage to complete a game, but we did a lot of rallying. she has a good hustle. i wish i was better, but it was probably the 6th time i've ever played in my life, i can't expect to be super awesome at this point. mike told us beforehand that he wanted us to have "squash-butt" when we were done from playing so hard. i can't say i achieved that level of athletics, but my right arm is insanely sore and i did break a sweat! it was very fun. we had some good laughs.

i've started laying out hatch. i think it's looking pretty good :)

it was super trippy.

do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?

my platonic friend

i read this in my book today, and it totally cracked me up:
"if roger had been out buying milk and i had been on the other side of the street and i had told him that, if he didn't cross over, things would be finished between us, he would have shouted 'no, i'm going to buy milk' and he would have continued". i love it. in the past, i've both known that person and been that person. too hilarious.

i wonder sometimes about what is absent from conversations over the internet. the tone, the meaning, the truth. do you take everything at face value or are you aware that many things that are said are guarded forms of the truth. i totally take everything at face value. what i'm getting at is... that i could type a REALLY CRAZY EXCITED paragraph with a TON of punctuation!!!!!?!?!? and one might think i'm VERY EXCITED about what i'm saying!!! when really i'm falling over exhausted. the computer-written word is much harder to decipher than the hand-written word.

it bothers me that it bothers me.

stay out super late tonight
picking apples, making pies.

telephone

it's lovely.
lovely. lovely. lovely.

i laughed so much my face hurt.

i kind of hate that my mom was right. but on the other hand... i'm kind of relieved & happy.

i'll cover my heart so you can't see it beat.

fastidious

i think i'm enjoying the snow more than ever before. it's so beautiful.

have you ever noticed how similar the words "monday" and "mundane" are?? i suspect this is not a coincidence.

sometimes there aren't any words because they've be used up.

have i told you that i'm obsessed with joan of arcadia right now? OBSESSED! i've been watching it on dvd and find it quite captivating and clever.

it's better to suffer a lynching than an interminable stay on death row.

cube

i may have lost the battle, but i might not lose the war.

bren and i saw stars tonight at sydenham street united. matt & cas were there too and a few other people, but we all ended up getting separated. that place is a great concert venue. i wanted to buy a stars button by they were 5 bux! the most i've ever spent on a button was $4 and even THAT was WAY to much. so i did without, however i did snag an amnesty international button for signing a human rights petition. but promptly lost it.

if you need and ear... i have two to spare.

you melt your doubt.

pilgrimage

this evening i went to my very first yoga class at the YMCA. it's free with my membership, which is great because i've been wanting to take a yoga class since the summer! beforehand i was a little nervous, but lots of people gave me tips and advise so i felt much more confident that i knew what i was doing. it turned out that there were at least 6 other people who were also novice yogis so i didn't feel as out of place as i had expected. it's called "yoga fit" because they emphasize the physical side and (since it's the Y) they omit the chanting and meditation. it was fun, and very relaxing – to the extent that i'm skeptical that it was even a workout at all! i feel like i spent the evening inhaling and exhaling. however, i DO feel completely exhausted, so perhaps it was more of a workout then i thought. i think tomorrow will be the true test. that being said... i think i'm going to go to bed early tonight.

she said i can't blame myself for other people's decisions. all i know is that every time i try i fail. you can't fault me for trying, because all i ever try to do is the right thing. if something isn't working i try something else. unfortunately all roads lead back to where i am.

apparently i'm the kind of person who expects instant results in every area of my life.

if i were a painter
i would paint my reverie.

exposed

the fictitious conversation with a midget on my knees commiserating about internet use will remain etched in my mind.

i was utterly devastated. completely humiliated.

i finished my painting...

why clothes-pegs? i have no idea. it just popped into my mind and i couldn't shake it. i actually really like it's a simple inanimate object. i think it looks better in person.

a couple weeks ago at storytellers, we had to write a poem about an inanimate object. rach wrote about clothes-pegs. i liked it a lot and found it very timely, so made the immediate decision that i would get a copy and write it on the back of my canvas when i finished. here's her poem, read it while you look at my painting (or maybe have someone read it to you so you can just focus on the painting)

little wooden clothespin
you are lovely to behold.
oh, that i could clasp you in my arms
as you clasp my drying dress upon the line
and feel, as surely that dress must,
your unfailing pinch in return.
your little metal spring, cool in my grip,
sends shivers of gratitude down my spine
for each moment you spend in humble service
to the greater good
of keeping my family clean and dry.
~ rachel j. erb, 2008 ~

m•e•r•c•y

when we saw them on the street corner we drove away erratically.

rhonda and i thoroughly enjoyed the plants & animals concert at the grad club tonight. i love live music. there was a crazy girl dancing very bizarrely, it wasn't really that kind of music. she was even spanking the air. it made me laugh, i tried to stifle it but you know how that goes... it usually makes it worse.

i worked on my new painting for much of the day. i'm finally making some good progress on it. i'll probably be done quite soon, maybe even tomorrow if i get the chance.

it takes a good friend to say you've got your head up your ass.

particularly

i've been trying to work up my courage to use the sauna at the Y. i just wanted to try it. i've been in a sauna before when i was younger, and always in a swimming suit. but i wanted to go the whole nine yards, i figured it would be relaxing. after my workout, i decided i would give it a go, but when i peeked in the window i saw a naked older woman and got weirded out. instead i got in the shower, then to myself "lesley... you've taken life drawing classes. since when are you weirded out by other people's naked bodies". minutes later i heard her exit, so i took the opportunity to enter. i lied on the top bench in my birthday suit and absorbed the heat like it came from the sun. it made me feel as though i was on beckie's dock again from this summer (warm and comfortable). the little cedar room was 72º C, it warmed me all the way thru. i think i'm going to use the sauna frequently, it will be a nice counter-winter activity – producing a similar effect as a tanning bed minus the cancer.

i had some coke-zero at rhonda's tonight and i'm totally wired. it really is 4 am, but it's technically saturday morning. i'll still mark this as friday because it's my friday entry. don't ever take my post times too literary. the time is usually exact, but depending if it's after mid-night or not usually affects what day i label it.

maybe i will never be
all the things that i want to be.

fitting

it seems to us... that unscrupulous behavior is rewarded in this world. we try to play by the rules and behave responsibly, then we end up getting screwed over.

i found a dehumidifier on the side of the road today. it seems this is becoming a habit. although, i should clarify that it was at the same place as the tv i found. so it's not completely random.

it's interesting the instinctive fear that swells within a girl the moment finds herself down an alleyway being approached by three men. what's even more interesting is the fact that they were oblivious to the fact that the situation made me unbelievably uncomfortable. experiencing life as a man would be drastically different to experiencing it as a woman. and vice versa.

beckie was talking up the advantages of vitamin d tablets a few weeks ago, so i decided to give them a try. vitamin d is what we get from the sun, and it's often a vitamin d deficiency that causes the winter blahs. i've been taking them for over a week now, and already think it's amazing! my disposition is more like my summertime self. the difference is so remarkable that it alerted me to the fact that my winterself is so much less engaged in life than my summerself. today when i saw the snow outside i thought it was neat! i liked it! i thought it was cool and was happy to see it.

i think she knows
and i know it shows
that i'm confused all the time.

the lullaby umbrella

cas gave me this.

i think it's totally awesome.
it kind of looks like me sort of.

i liked the sound of my big tall brown boots clickity-clopping down main street. it made me giggle and run in a more exaggerated fashion.

when she saw him touch me like that she thought "he's lucky she doesn't clobber him". it's not the touching that bothers me... it's the excessive attention. but the touching sucks too.

time was too slow
and then too fast.

neglect

with bob as my witness... i will join the butlers for dinner more regularly. i always have a nice time with them, and in spite the fact pretty much all of them deserted us before i even ate my food i will go again, maybe even in two weeks. besides, i had a good time chatting with bob and michelle. they all liked my tattoo, and sarah told me that after my failed attempt to get one last year she thought i'd never go thru with it. let this be a lesson to you all... never underestimate me ;)

i don't like having my life up in the air as it is. i was emailing with rhonda yesterday about it and she sent me this lovely quote "when we are sure that we are on the right road there is no need to plan our journey too far ahead. no need to burden ourselves with doubts and fears as to the obstacles that may bar our progress. we cannot take more than one step at a time." that makes good sense to me. i like it.

did i tell you my laundry lady has a crush on me? it makes me a little uncomfortable because i don't know how to respond to her comments. things like "it's so great to see you" or "oh! hello my love". i'm polite so i say stuff like "ya, it's nice to see you too", but not sincerely. she's the lady who washes my clothes, that's the bases of our relationship. i don't mind general niceties, but i think she's propelled things way across the line. she's super nice and cheery though. so i mean this more as an observation than a criticism.

i was surprised to realize that i reached page 125 in my book before realizing that the main character is anonymous. this is the second time that's happened to me. this book also doesn't have chapters, which makes me nutty because i like setting a book down at a logical place.

i am superman and i can do anything.

homework

my gut is telling me 'no'.
my heart is telling me 'yes'.
and my brain is trying to come up with excuses why it would be ok.
funny how that goes.
i'm gonna go with my gut though.

i was uncharacteristically upbeat for a monday morning.

oh my goodness..... i love it. i love it. i love it. it takes away my ability to breathe. so awesome.

if you ride upon the tiger
you can never get off
– they get hungry.

apron

that was weird...........

i wish that suckers had a longer shelf-life. i try saving them for special occasions, but by the time i actually get around to eating them, they've turned all soft and gross.

it was a good conversation. one that i feel was very meaningful to her and i'm so glad to have been on the receiving end. tell me anything.

i thoroughly enjoyed working at the soup kitchen this afternoon. well, we don't serve soup, and it's actually called "special meals" but i figured most people wouldn't understand what that means if i hadn't put it in context. today we made/served pancakes, waffles and sausages. i was in charge of the waffle press. i'd never worked a waffle press before, it kind of made me want to buy one, and not at the same time. i didn't get the chance to do actual serving as i was occupied pumping out the waffles, and i'm disappointed to have missed out on that. but there's always next time. i'm looking forward to it already.

i wonder what secrets will be unveiled this week.

i think it's creepy.... but i like it.

no wonder the world is overpopulated.

itchy

i'm intrigued by the things that people write on bathroom walls. especially at the goat. it's unbelievable how vulnerable people allow themselves to be. i wonder what possesses them to write such things, if it's because they don't have anyone else to turn to. that's sad. part of me wants to write something, but i haven't anything i want to say. besides that, some of the responses are so cruel.

i was told by someone today that she thinks the new bond looks like putin. interesting. i can kind of see the resemblance. i wondered what beck would say to that.

my new painting isn't coming along as nicely as i had hoped. i feel as though it should look way better. i'm hoping it looks kind of crappy because it's still just in an early stage. i'm crossing my fingers.

i enjoyed having kate stay with me for a couple nights. i liked just sitting around with her in the living room last night before bed, talking about random things.

i can't define this feeling i have. i have a feeling... that's all i know. i don't think it's a premonition, it feels more like an instinct or a gut feeling. i don't know why, but i'm compelled to just go with it. i hope it doesn't turn out badly. sometimes it's hard to discern between wishful thinking and divine inspiration.

it's just you and me and the rain.

atomic

although it shouldn't, it gives me a great sense of satisfaction. i think i'll fall asleep with a happy little smirk on my face. i'm not being smug about it, i'm genuinely gleeful.

i love the dating advise i gave my friend today... "that's why people date, so that they can end it". haha. that's a rather morbid look at the dating world. and totally not what i meant, but i still find it funny.

kate and i agree.

i will be different. i will be the same. i will still go parchment-faced with embarrassment. i will quite frequently push the doors marked "pull", and pull the ones marked "push". i will be lonely, almost certainly. sometimes i will feel light-hearted, sometimes light-headed. i may sing aloud, even in the dark. i will ask myself if i am going mad, and if i do, i won't know it.

eye-candy

am i that hard to understand?? really...

i'm a whiz when it comes to design. i slapped that newsletter together in record time. right on les! i find it funny that i've been listening to 54-40 all evening as i've worked. i had to download a bunch of their stuff in order to do so. odd musical craving for sure.

this was day two of my renewed love-affair with the YWCA/YMCA. i feel pumped. (even though i've been super sore). i was exercised, showered and home by 6:15. pretty good use of time i think. at this rate i'm going to be super hot for mexico :p

i'm longing for the sound of his still, soft voice.

sometimes things happen that remind me to think before i speak. or consider the consequences before i write. i made a poor judgement call, i know that now. my mom worries that i overexpose myself to the world. i think that's because of a conversation she had with some guy who'd read my blog and somehow gotten the impression from pspd that i'm heart-broken. personally i think that just goes to show how cryptic i am. correct me if i'm wrong, but one would have to be part of my inner circle to fully grasp the things i say, right? i do keep the secrets i want to keep.

sometimes i'd just like to know that you still think of me from time to time.

come on,
come on get up.
i wanna take you
away from all of this
and what has got you
lost and feeling down.
you just get it off your back,
let it fly away.

anthropomorphic

i didn't waste any time. first thing this morning i made the decision that i was going to the Y after work to reactivate my membership. i packed my little gym kit and off i went. it's been a year and a half since i was there last, i'd forgotten how much i loved going. usually in the spring i'm sick of it and just want to be outdoors. plus, i was trying to cut corners by buying an elliptical for my house, but in truth there's more to the experience than just the workout. as i read over my old entries last week, i found i talked about the Y a lot – it was another facet of my life, something other than work and church. i've missed having a hobby outside of my home/unrelated to next. i like people watching. i like the anonymity. i like that i can just do my workout without multitasking (cooking dinner, ignoring the phone, being distracted by things on my computer), i'm just there to workout. and i really like the showers (i get to stand up instead of my sit-down shower at home), and that i don't have to rush. at first i felt weird about how much i love the showers there, but i overheard two ladies talking about how much they love them too. so i'm not crazy :) i left feeling really great. i did weights for a half hour. i found before that weight-training actually effected my weight more than cardio, PLUS it's way faster. i'm in and out. it was kind of neat how i still knew how to use the equipment, and that i recognized a lot of the people. i weighted myself afterwards, and i've gained 14 pounds since i was there last – which i knew, most of it was in the first 8 months of cancelling my membership. i don't expect to lose all of that, but i'll probably change shape and feel more comfortable in my own skin. i really felt great afterwards, very euphoric. i'm very pleased by this turn of events. i'll try to keep my future Y talk to a minimum, as i'm sure it's not very interesting to read about :p OH, AND i think it's possible for me to sign up for a yoga class :D

i took "achtung baby" to work with me today. i haven't listened to it in several years. it has got to be my favourite album of all time. i kept trying to find photos that needed touching up so i could spend my day in a dream-like haze engulfed in the music. i tried to figure out why i love that album so much. it's not because of nostalgia, it's beyond that. those songs have such strong atmosphere to them that i feel like i could cut them with a knife. they're like first love, or a summer night, or warm pie, or a hot bathtub.

tomorrow i'm dinning with my family. i'm very curious about how they'll respond to my tattoo.

she wears my love like a see through dress.

hadassah

i'm not happy for them. i'm not. i won't congratulation them, and i won't fake interest. i know this is terrible, but in truth i'm utterly torn apart by jealousy. and right now all it feels like is salt in the wound, or a knife that's been turned. as much as i hate this feeling of emotional dismemberment, i'm really happy to have identified source of my woes. i don't suffer from depression, i'm not heart-broken. the reality is, every hurdle i face, every tear i cry, every dark night of the soul i endure are caused by my own jealous. i'm not sad that other people are experiencing the joy i desire, i'm green with envy! so i took a deeper look, analyzing why i feel jealous toward some people and not toward others. for many people i'm utterly ecstatic when good things are bestowed upon them. the difference is, the people i'm happy for are people i love and have deemed worthy. the other people are individuals that i've somehow found undeserving, and most definitely less deserving than i am. which is totally wrong, especially with me having an attitude like that – they're probably MUCH better than i am. i'm rather dumbstruck as to why this went so long without me realizing it. i'm usually much swifter at identifying my own defects. i'm completely ashamed of the contents of my heart, and only tell you this now as a confession. i hope that sharing this will change me. i actually feel a lot better already. i feel happy – like a load has been lifted.

i bought some fudge today. MMMmmmmmm. yummmmmmm.

a hammer is a hammer because it hammers.


**********************************
addendum:
sometimes decisions just get made for you. my elliptical broke just broke. seriously, the metal base split in two. looks like i'm going back to the Y.