i'm not happy for them. i'm not. i won't congratulation them, and i won't fake interest. i know this is terrible, but in truth i'm utterly torn apart by jealousy. and right now all it feels like is salt in the wound, or a knife that's been turned. as much as i hate this feeling of emotional dismemberment, i'm really happy to have identified source of my woes. i don't suffer from depression, i'm not heart-broken. the reality is, every hurdle i face, every tear i cry, every dark night of the soul i endure are caused by my own jealous. i'm not sad that other people are experiencing the joy i desire, i'm green with envy! so i took a deeper look, analyzing why i feel jealous toward some people and not toward others. for many people i'm utterly ecstatic when good things are bestowed upon them. the difference is, the people i'm happy for are people i love and have deemed worthy. the other people are individuals that i've somehow found undeserving, and most definitely less deserving than i am. which is totally wrong, especially with me having an attitude like that – they're probably MUCH better than i am. i'm rather dumbstruck as to why this went so long without me realizing it. i'm usually much swifter at identifying my own defects. i'm completely ashamed of the contents of my heart, and only tell you this now as a confession. i hope that sharing this will change me. i actually feel a lot better already. i feel happy – like a load has been lifted.
i bought some fudge today. MMMmmmmmm. yummmmmmm.
a hammer is a hammer because it hammers.
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addendum:
sometimes decisions just get made for you. my elliptical broke just broke. seriously, the metal base split in two. looks like i'm going back to the Y.
7 comments:
don't be so hard on yourself Les. I think that jealousy eats away even the best of us at some point or another.
I think that most of us like fudge too ;)
that's a hard thing to see and say about yourself. don't be ashamed of yourself. you're only human... like everyone else. these people who are so much better than you (your words) also struggle with envy and jealousy and stupid stuff too. now go love yourself up.
my mom just called me strong. why does this always feel like a death sentence?
once again your blog has distracted me from writing about 1920's American National Identity and Scientific Racism. at 11 o clock at night.gooodness.
your so worth it. ahaha
i think you should get an memebership at Queens gym, instead of the Y, so we can be work out buddies!!!!
we can sweat together.
i think admiting your jeleousy is a really important thing. it gives it less power to recognize it's existence.
your not silly for feeling this way.
thanks girls.
seriously, who DOESN'T like fudge. actually, i think i'll go have a piece right now...
why did she call you strong? i think she's right, but i'm interested in the context.
i can't join at queen's because i'm not alumni or anything :( we can still be buddy-buddies though :D get back to work now! :p
i think it was about resilience to gossip or something. or inviting people i dislike for supper. i can't remember. i just remember feeling a weight.
i miss queen's gym... i don't know why, but i really loved it. i think it was the bathing suit spinner and the fact that you could leave stuff there in a locker all the time AND you didn't have to remember your gym clothes because they had that fantastic laundry service.
oh queen's...
i would've/have said you're strong for different reasons than that.
ya, i'd love a laundry service, they do have one at the Y, but i don't subscribe to it. i'm too cheap :S
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