the worst!

i'm still coming down from an upsetting incident this afternoon. so i thought i'd tell you about it so that i might feel a little better. to begin with, i'll just say that i got scammed.

this afternoon, while i was in the middle of making myself a salad, the phone rang. i was only really half listening when a man with a thick accent told me that he was calling from visa and that i'd been selected for a lower interest rate because of my credit history. i've always made a point of paying my credit card off each month so that i never have to pay interest, but whenever visa offers me perks because of my credit history i always accepted. so i was like, "ok", which then began a long back and forth of me confirming my identity with security questions, etc. it didn't take long for me to become frustrated because i was just about to eat and this guy was making me read the visa phone number off the back of my card (which i thought was weird, but now realize that was the first clue). while i was trying to get my credit card out of my wallet, i accidentally hit end, and he called back right away and defensively saying "why did you hang up on me?". in hindsight, his persistence and, at times, rude behaviour shouldn't been an indication that something wasn't right. actually, his poor grasp of the english language should've also been a tip off for me, because visa's operators are always clear and well spoken. 

he was soon badgering me for my credit card number so he could look up my account. i kept protesting, and even started to ask for his supervisor. but when he was able to tell me what my last payment was and for how much, as well as other information like my current credit limit, i became more trusting and did regrettably tell him my credit card number. but thankfully, i each time he repeated it back to me, it was always a few digits off, so i'm not sure if he really had it in the end. i really put up a fight all the way through our phone call, and kept saying i didn't want to give him the information he was asking for, but he kept displaying my hesitation and made me seem unreasonable. i suppose one of the main tricks of a shyster is to make you doubt yourself.

when he told me that they were going to charge me a one-time fee of $400 to lower my interest rate to 6%, i told him 'no way'. i demanded that he not proceed and that i didn't want, nor need a lower interest rate. then he started saying i needed to give him my email and facebook information so he could remove the charges, which i knew was B.S. so i hung up and called the customer service line. i was calling to complain (i had my suspicions that something wasn't right, but he'd provided some tangible reasons to believe him. i was very confused by the whole interaction). as soon as i told a portion of the story to the visa customer care rep, she told me that it was a scam and they were going to cancel my card right away. she also told me to cancel my email account too, which i didn't know how to do that, and i have lots of important (to me) emails. but when i spoke to someone in their security department she said that simply changing my password should be enough.

i called brendan as soon as i got off the phone with visa and immediately started crying. it's interesting that i was able to keep it together until i talked to him. before that my emotions came out in different ways, like aggression or talking fast. b could hardly understand what i was saying because of my blubbering, but he managed to calm me down. i'm hoping this is all behind me and that we (visa and i) caught it before my identity was stolen. i suppose it could've been worse, i didn't give out my SIN or my banking information. but i still felt so stupid. i'm not an overly trusting person, but he provided enough information to seem legit and he confused me enough through our back and forth dialogue. this whole thing really ruined my day.

the dark is light enough to see the ignorance of greed.

splash

when joy and tim bought a chest freezer, they said it made them feel like they were officially grown-ups. every so often they tease me and say i'm not a grown-up because i don't have a deep freeze, and i never argue with them about it, because i don't feel like a grown-up. or at least i didn't, now i do.

today i cried.
i cried when i realized i was a grown-up, and from here on in, things would be different.

i cried because it came out of no where, for the most unexpected reason.

i didn't feel like a grown-up when i got my first car, or when i got my job, or when i got my very own apartment, or when i traveled alone for the first time, or when we got married, or when we bought a house, or when we had a baby. i still felt like myself. like my life was my own, and i was happy with each new step.

but today, i knew i'd reached adulthood, when i realized that having this second car meant we couldn't take a trip to the caribbean. i knew i was a grown-up when i recognized that i couldn't do the fun thing, but had to do the responsible thing. it's not even that we can't go south, but it's that we shouldn't because we have other, more important things we need to spend that money on.

we got our new-to-us car on monday, and twice this week it wouldn't start in the morning. plus, we had to pay for the safety today, and the total came $666 – which i'm hoping is not a bad omen. i guess it helps that i know we need this car (i have no doubt about that), but that also kind of makes it harder. i'm used to being able to find away to do both, but i can't this time. and so i cried. i cried as a way of letting go. i cried as a way to mourn my old way of life (maybe even my carefree youth). i cried as i recognized the loss of part of my identity. i cried because deep down i thought i'd be able to avoid "settling down". i cried because it caught me off guard.

now, with that behind me, i can adjust my expectations and find a way to be the adult version of lesley. instead of going to the caribbean, we're taking a roadtrip to philadelphia for 5 days. and i'm happy to say, i'm really excited about it. we'll be able to keep it simple, but also get to see and do some cool things. i have said in the past that we'll do more north america travel once we have kids. i guess i thought that wouldn't be until they were a little older. i really wanted to take a trip to the caribbean to prove to myself that i'm the same as i used to be, and that my baby hasn't turned me into a fuddy-duddy. which is dumb, AND a terrible reason for doing something. as brendan pointed out, trying to maintain my 'freedom' would just make me super irresponsible, and it wouldn't be good.

i guess circumstances catch up to you at some point. i just don't know how to identify with this new phase in my life. i guess i'll figure it out as i go, just like everyone else.

think of all the roads,
think of all their crossings.

chap

last night i went to bed feeling pretty discouraged about my physical self. dissatisfied with lots of different things – i need a haircut; my baby tooth is super close to falling out, but we don't have the funds to do anything about the toothless gap; after losing 7 pounds, i seem to be stuck at a plateau; yada yada yada. as i lied in bed, curled up to get warm, i thought about how girls in their teens and 20s, complain about their bodies, but are most likely in great shape – better shape than they'll be when they're older. i dunno, maybe that's not the case with everyone, but it was the case with me. it's silly that we always find flaws to fixate on. i was still feeling discouraged this morning when i got up. so i chose to make small gestures that would make me feel nice, as well as comfortable (comfort helps minimize feelings of awkward bulkiness). i felt a little better today. it's easy to get discouraged.

this afternoon we went for a tour of the daycare we'd like éamon to go to. it's just at the end of our street, and our niece goes there. it's interesting because i used to work at a daycare in highschool (as an after-school job). i usually take that experience for granted and forget that it's not assumed that i'm familiar with that environment. so it was interesting to have that comparison when touring the facility. we liked it. it's like a large house, which is cool. and we saw audrey, as well as noah and cambria, so that was fun. when the tour was finished the lady told me to call back in a month to find out if they have an available place for him. but then she called me a couple hours later to let me know that they did have room if we wanted it. so that's great! every so often, i get upset when i think about only getting to spend 4 hours a day with him. it's best not to think of it that way, because it seems bleak. now that we've seen the centre, i feel more comfortable about it. i think it'll be a good place for him, and us too.

i think i bought the moon.

turn

i think there's a bit of a social epidemic going around. i don't know if it's just my social circle, but it seems that every conversation i have, involves someone being worried about what other people would think of their personal life decisions – where they shop, how they parent, how green they are, what form of birth control they use, what church they go to. truth be told (and i mean this most sincerely), i'm sick of it! it's so unfair that women are feeling this way.

besides the fact that it's sad that people are feeling guilty because of imagined judgement (i say imagined because in most of these cases, no one has actually confronted them about their decisions). people shouldn't feel that they need to hide their choices from their friends – friends should be supportive! and they really shouldn't feel a need to hide their choices from strangers – who cares what strangers think!

i'm quite convinced that when a person is self-conscious of their decisions, it's because they still have some doubts in their mind. but for whatever reason (circumstances or limitations – whether financial, physical, time, energy, etc) this is the best solution they've come up with. i feel like sometimes we just have to trust each others judgement, instead of presuming we know better. it's so much easier being different when we're confident in our choices.

i also think it's way easier facing perceived judgment if we're transparent. often times, if i'm confused by another person's choices, their explanation can really shed light on the situation and i end up supportive of their decision. so let's be frank and forthright, instead of letting people speculate and jump to conclusions.

i don't know about you, but i'm going to take a bow, and not play that game anymore :)

so for the record...

• my kid has a soother. he doesn't use it a lot, mostly when we're out or when he's sleeping. i'm 100% ok with this.

• we're getting a second car. it's a gift from my father-in-law, brendan needs it for his job. you're welcome to borrow it outside of work hours.

• éamon sleeps in a crib. i'm glad. it means at the end of the day, we get to just be brendan+lesley. PLUS, i often wake up in the night, freaked out that our baby has gotten tangled in the sheets, but he's always fast asleep in his own bed.

• i usually flush the toilet, even when it's yellow. pee is stinky.

• i don't exclusively buy ethical meat. it's my ideal, but not always my reality. when i'm heading home, with my 19lb baby strapped to my chest, and i'm already at metro, it just doesn't make sense to walk 5 blocks out of my way, when i'm tired and just need to get home.

so that's that :) no one's perfect, and i don't expect it from anyone else.

the sun is out, the day is new.

vin

on the bus today, i sat in special seating area reserved for people with wheelchairs, strollers, walkers, etc. at first i started sitting there because i thought that people with special needs (including people with babies) were the folks those seats were intended for. but the sign actually says "reserved for people with mobility aid devices". i consider my baby carrier a mobility aid. anyways, so i was sitting there and this lady got on the bus. after she sat down i noticed that she was glaring at me. it was really awkward, but i told myself that maybe she didn't notice my baby (i'm wearing him in a hiking carrier these days because he's getting heavy). she kept staring at me, but i told myself not to be scared or worried. so i decided not to avoid her gaze, but to look back at her. so i did, but she neither broke her look away, nor did she speak. i started with a smile – nothing, so i tried saying 'hi'. then she started talking to me and was friendly and asked me all sorts of questions. in the end, it wasn't that she was angry that i was sitting in the reserved seating area, but that she was a troubled person and she was just staring.

on occasion i think that becoming a mom has matured me, or i've learned this or that. but then, i slip back into old habits of laziness and poor time management or negative self talk and being too hard on myself. and i realize i still have a long way to go.

taking steps is easy
standing still is hard.

shortening

when i think to the future, at the life i desire for éamon i consider a wide spectrum of things. but the one thing i always come back to is the element of loneliness. from my own experience and those around me, i feel that a life without loneliness is good – better than good. i feel like loneliness is one of the most crippling human experiences. it makes everything less enjoyable, less meaningful. it makes life feel like a waiting game, rather than something you engage in and embrace. i've been thinking about this for several weeks, and came across something in a book i was reading that affirmed that. i was going to quote it, but it turns out i just lent to the book to rach, so i'll have to paraphrase. basically, it talked about how loneliness runs deeper than surroundings. a lonely person could live in the most luxurious home, but without connection with other people, the comforts of home are empty.

when i mentioned to brendan that i want for éamon to not experience loneliness, b said that loneliness is what it means to be human, and i agree that that's true. i want éam to be empathetic and to reach out to lonely people, and the only way to be truly sympathetic is to have shared experiences. so i guess everyone needs to know what it means to be lonely, even for a short while, but hopefully not a long while.

it's cold now
but it's getting warmer.

onions

i know it's the weather – the intense cold and the piles of snow – but today is the first day that i've felt bored and wished i was at work. i don't really have anything to do around the house. i'm getting into a good rhythm of tidying frequently and chores don't take very long. immediately after coming up with an idea to crochet myself some new slippers, this thought came into my head: "is this really what my life has resorted to? finding myself hobbies to fill my time?". i totally know that's the weather talking, and probably some vitamin D deficiency too, because when i feel well-balanced and energized i'm content with hobbies. another sign that it's the weather is that i don't feel like i wouldn't have anything to say if someone was to pop by for a visit right at this moment.

éamon's fine. just playing and hanging out. he's a pretty low maintenance baby. he doesn't really need attending to either.

i will say this. b got me onto this singer/song writer laura marling. her latest album is the only new music i've really sunk my teeth into since i left work. it's usually hard for me to get into new music without listening to it on headphones in my cubicle. otherwise it's just background noise that i don't really take in. brendan first discovered laura through Q; he was attracted to her because she loves joni mitchell fan and it shows in her music. to simply say brendan is a fan of joni, fails to capture his full admiration for her as a person. i like joni, but we're significantly less acquainted, not enough for me to hear her influence in laura's music. instead (whether this is intended or not), i hear jewel. being a teen and 20-something during the height of jewel's career, i listened to jewel a lot. we started to part ways when she started leaning towards country. so, imagine my delight when i find something new that has a similar feel. the thing i like better about laura is that she's more confident, complex and substantial. jewel had a lot more angst in her music. or maybe it's just that when i listen to 1998-jewel, it brings to the surface everything that was insecure, superficial and flimsy about being 18.

well, my mom just called. sounds like she's feel bored and cabin-fevery too. another sign it's just the weather.

thank you naivety for failing me again.

stones

when i'm out and about with éamon, people like to talk to us. i've concluded after experiencing life with a baby has given me a glimpse into how kind and loving strangers can be. more times than not, people say "it goes by too fast", then tell me about their grown children. i got thinking about this yesterday, and i'm certain that it's not that it goes fast, but rather that it's so short. babies change really quickly because each phase is short and they're into the next one.

we started éamon on some brown rice cereal and banana this morning because today he turned 6 months. afterwards, i was surprised to feel a sense of change. we've had such a smooth transition into having a baby. éamon has been such an easy baby that his entry into our lives felt remarkably similar to how it felt before. but now at six months, he's getting more active (we can't easily take him a lot to stuff anymore), he's communicating what he wants more (he's waking earlier and making it clear that he wants to be up), and now i have to think about preparing food and snacks. don't get me wrong, all of these things are good, i'm happy that he's developing and changing, but it seems all of a sudden that things are noticeably different. last night i said to b, that it feels that the days of us being able to leave the house without having to plan ahead and/or bring a bunch of stuff with us, is sailing away on the horizon. those days are still fresh enough that it's like i can see see the boat sailing away. as time passes, and the memory of our past freedom is as faint as the mist from a long gone steam boat, this will seem normal. but for some reason, right now, i'm struck by this overwhelming feeling that the path ahead is beyond my scope of ability. i guess i just need to remind myself that the things we did and experienced in this last half year were new uncharted territory too. it'll be just fine.

set out for a great adventure.

liable

lately, i've been feeling more selective about what news and social media i'm exposed to. as i do my daily scan of google news for items that interest me, i often come across things that cause me to go like this "really? why is this news? why should i care about that person's private life?" i even tried adding a filter so i wouldn't have to read about people like lindsay lohan, but all that did was add her to my google alerts :S

they say that women often become out of touch when they have a baby. while i wouldn't say that's completely true for me, i will say that my tolerance for non-relevant, hollywood gossip and sensational news stories has gone down significantly. i just feel like there's way more important things in the world that need more attention.

it's funny because i don't feel isolated, but being at the mall last week with shannon, and seeing all the latest fashions was eye-opening. i don't know anyone who dresses like that. thankfully i'm happy to say that i'm content being out of touch. fashion trends and celebrities are things i can live without.

i think this means i'm officially a grownup.

i need something more
just a place to be alone.

flight

just got home from the dentist. i had two cavities filled. they were these mysterious (to me) 'in between the teeth' cavities. *shrug* i really wasn't looking forward to it (not like anyone would), but i was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't that bad. i ended up concluding that it was mildly uncomfortable compared to éamon's birth. man, giving birth is the gift that keeps on giving :p even the fact that my mouth is still frozen isn't so bad. i just hope my feeling returns by dinner time.

since i discovered i had these two cavities (which are caused by not flossing), i mentioned it to joy (or probably more accurately ranted at joy), and she told me about this easy dental flosser that's like a toothbrush. i picked one up for 3 bux, and since then have been flossing every day with no difficulty. it takes between 30 seconds to 1 minute. and i do it right before i brush my teeth at night. it's a good system. i never imagined flossing could be so easy. the dentist mentioned that he saw some warning signs of another cavity, but if i keep at flossing i'll be able to keep it at bay. i plan to :D

for some unknown reason, i've decided that i want to drink fennel tea after dinner every day. i've started fixing my tea (letting it steep) at the beginning of dinner so it's ready when i'm done eating. i'm not some what is compelling me, but i like the idea of this routine. it's only been a few days. i tried to buy some fennel tea at tara food's on saturday, but it cost $8! thankfully i didn't buy it because i found some at the bulk barn for $1.50. i love fennel tea. i think it's the perfect after dinner treat. sometimes i want to drink it in the afternoon, but i feel like i should just save it for dinner time so it continues to be something i look forward to.

dark before the dawn is the darkest that you know.

fennel

this afternoon i went out on my own for what was supposed to be a short errand, and found that i was enjoying myself so much that i took a few detours and added a few stops. i'd fed éamon shortly before i headed out, so i knew he'd be fine for a while. the only trouble was letting b know that i wasn't coming directly home. but once i found a telephone, i gave him a quick call, then was free from feeling rushed.

i never get tired of spending time with éamon. he's not a tiresome person to be around, neither is brendan for that matter. but every so often, when i get the chance to go out sans baby, i always enjoy myself immensely. i find that encouraging it suggests that i won't mind returning to work, since i'm comfortable on my own as long as i know that éam is ok.

during this solo outing, i started reflecting on how it feels being independent now compared to before i birthed this baby and became his mom. and the thought i kept coming back to was the word 'tough'. i feel tougher – stronger, more confident, more dauntless. i feel more sure of myself, i feel grounded and more empowered. and it's a great feeling. it's not like i was super insecure before, but i did often feel uncertain or unsure of myself. this is a nice and unexpected development.

we've come too far
to give up who we are.

insular

it's 6:40 in the morning, and i can't sleep. i woke up with éamon at 5:17 for a night-feeding, and i haven't been able to fall back to sleep :S

so anyways...

we have a tradition of spending new year's eve at the erb's place. sometimes we play board games, some times we talk the night away, last night we talked then b and jase broke out into a spontaneous jam session at 12:30 at night while rach and i chatted in the living room. éamon was there too of course. we took him from his crib at 10:00 to go over to the erbs, where he slept in his chair in the kitchen until he was rudely awakened by us singing in the new year ;) it was fun (and he was a real sport about it, he just stayed up til we went home after 1).

i've been thinking about things that are on the horizon for 2014.

we've been thinking of going to cuba in april.

in june-ish, we're going to go visit beckie in quebec city

in july, i'll go back to work and éamon will start daycare
also in july, i'd like to go camping for a weekend with a+s
in august, we're planning on going camping for a week in ithica, new york

in september, i'm probably going to atlanta on a business trip, so b and éamon will come with me

in october i might go to houston with work, but i'm kind of hoping i won't be needed. but if i am, i'll figure out something so éamon can come too.

at some point in the spring, we'll probably buy a second car. just something small, used and inexpensive. b needs a car for work. although, he'll probably use the CRV and i'll use the small car, if it's better on gas. i don't love the thought of having two cars, but we can car-share after work hours, so at least that would make it worthwhile for more than one reason.

so that's what my year is looking like, but you never know what else might come up. on the whole, i'd say it's likely to be a pretty nice one.

well, it's now just shy of 7 am. here's hoping i'll be able to fall back asleep.

the cold can bleach us out
and freeze our doubt.

cribbage

it feels funny that it's 2014, doesn't it? i'm not sure if i ever got used to the fact that 2013 was a real number, heck, i don't think i've ever really grown accustomed to our years starting with 20something.

i've been thinking a lot about new years resolutions. well... not resolutions exactly, just things i'd like to change this year. i've already mentioned that i've decided to stop wearing make-up (not that i wore it very often, but it's nice not thinking 'should i put make up on?'). i was going to throw it out last night when we got home from the erb's place, but i found that i had more than i realized, and one can never know when make-up will come in handy for a costume or something. so i've just stashed it all away for the time being. maybe i'll eventually give it to friends.

other than that, i'd like to...

1) eat better. i find eating healthy was easier when i worked, because i can only eat what i have with me. but at home, i can eat whatever, and whenever i feel like it. i've also noticed that i'm drawn to chocolatey treats, and so i want to re-train my tongue to like plain treats instead of indulgent treats. now, i'm aware that lots of people start off the new year planning on eating better, and don't stick with it. but i'm just looking at it as a year commitment (like the make-up thing) as an experiment. that's not to say that i won't have chocolatey treats, but i'll make my normal practice be one of better choices.

2) improve my posture. i believe this will go a long way to improve my body image. when i see myself slouching in photos, i find it terribly unflattering, and i'm convinced it adds the appearance of extra weight. i even notice a difference when i straighten my shoulders in front of a mirror, and it makes me feel better about myself.

in general, giving up make-up is pretty easy, because it doesn't actually require anything of me. the eating better and improved posture ones will require more effort. lastly....

3) give myself permission to write less. this might seem like a weird one, but the other day, i felt so disappointed in myself for not blogging as frequently as i have in the past. it bothered me so much that i considered (briefly) retiring from the blogosphere. i can't keep up with my former writing habits, and blogging is kind of passé now. but then the thought occurred to me, that that's lame. why do i think it has to be every day or nothing!?! every day that passes without me writing, i feel guilty, and i've had enough of that. yes, i wrote more when i was single, and the reality is people spend their time differently in each stage of their lives. there's nothing wrong with writing less prolifically now. the other day, jill wrote a blog entry. she writes only a handful of times a year, and i love it each time she writes. if anything, it makes me more excited when i see she's posted something. so i'm just gonna go ahead and write irregularly. when i feel like it, when i have something to say, when inspiration hits me.

four new year's resolutions seems like a tall order. but really two are 'out with the old' and two are "in with the new".

seas between us broad have roared.

onward

i started 2013 with a strong desire to be authentic. i wanted to move forward discovering who i am in light of new experiences and not turn into someone else. to navigate life as myself, and not feel compelled, required or coerced into behaving or decision-making solely according to what other folks think is best. i'm grateful to say, that so far i feel good about how i've achieved that.

i've noticed on facebook a number of people saying that 2013 was a real stinker. but for me it was the tops. i had a great year. in the first half, i did a lot of traveling (berlin, greece, arizona). FINALLY making it to berlin was a huge highlight in itself, but i also had a nice time there (in spite of the comedy of errors that i had my first day). plus, i got to travel business class and getting to come home to b was also pretty nice.

the second half was particularly special, and i'm not just meaning the baby. being off work has been SO WONDERFUL. i can't even express how good it's been for my soul. experiencing a significant break from my 8-4:30 routine has been such a breath of fresh air. i've never felt so much freedom or relief, and i'm so grateful for it. but i suppose it's not just being off work. this afternoon as i prepared my 2014 calendar, and looked through my 2013 calendar for birth dates, i saw with fresh eyes how WAY TOO over-commited i was. i had WAY TOO MUCH on the go. no wonder i was feeling burnt out and in over my head. i was guilty of not giving myself enough breathing room, or cutting myself enough slack. 'slack' is still something i struggling to define and evenly distribute, but i'm going to keep working at it.

my favourite thing about being off work is the fact that i can stay up as late as i want. if i'm reading or knitting or chatting or watching sitcoms, i don't have to hit the hay until i feel like it. it's the best. i think the freedom i've felt has gone hand in hand with this whole authenticity thing. not having to squeeze myself into a pre-determined schedule, and not having to squeeze out all the things i wish i could be doing, has been a nice change.

sometimes, no wait, scratch that... many times i've felt guilty for not writing as often as i used to, or not keeping in touch with friends as well as i used to, or going out as often as i used to. but once again i should cut myself some slack and remember that i'm not defined by my 'used to's, and that everyone changes over time as circumstances change. i guess i just have to adjust to that and let go of the expectations i have of myself.

so highlights of this year include:

• (for fore mentioned) trips to berlin, greece (particularly meteora) and arizona

• volunteering at KGH

• ultrasounds, midwife appointments, the praying womantises, belly blessing and belly casting

• an adult gap-year from work garden planting

• ottawa roadtrip with b on a weeknight

• music festivals

• a hard-fought birth followed by my dream baby
• part one of my adult gap-year from work

• camping with a newborn

• wednesday afternoons with b + é

• blue jays baseball game

• next retreat

• skeleton park with handrew

• thursday walks with sherri

• sunflower seeds, cider and king of the hill

• re-learning to sew
• new appliances and home improvements

i dunno, there's lots more, but where do i draw the line? so i'll just quit here :)

it's not like years ago.

tiny

we're home again from our christmas sleepovers. one night at nancy's place, and one night at joy's place. everything went really smoothly and we had a really peaceful and fun time. i like that my family all sit around in the living room on christmas afternoon with our books and read silently (plus liam playing his DS beside me). éamon was napping.

on christmas morning i got to have a bath in nancy's jacuzzi. it was a really nice start to the day. i just kept giggling with delight :)

all in all, i'd say it was a really lovely holiday.

when we got home today, as i waited for my ipod's OS to update, i started searching all-inclusive trips to bermuda. that's been our plan for the spring of 2014. a simple trip that requires very little planning to get our toes wet for traveling with a baby. but when i got looking at the prices, they were more expensive than we want to pay, so i did a random search and found trips to cuba for 60 to 70% less. so i think we'll go that route instead. we mostly just want a trip, and didn't have any particular reason for going to bermuda.

she says give her the things that money can buy.

slippy

i feel like this year in particular, i've really enjoyed giving christmas gifts. we put a lot of thought into our gift selections, and so far, they've been very well received.

on friday night, we had a house christmas party with andrew and shannon. we ate a delicious feast, exchanged gifts, and baked cookies. it's a fun tradition celebrating with them. shannon made me a 2014 calendar – 'a year of shanno and les'. it was super fun looking over the calendar, and some of the photos made me laugh to the verge of tears. i love homemade gifts.

this year, i wrapped a total of 46 christmas gifts. that sounds far more outrageous than it actually is. i've realized recently that b and i are, what one would call, 'fiscally conservative'. we don't spend what we don't have, and have a budget for everything. so the 46 gifts are mostly small gifts (and within budgeted) for our ever-increasing family. we're not giving each other anything, and we didn't buy anything for éamon, other than a few little things he needed anyways, but i'm keeping for this stocking. i think we'll always aim to keep christmas-giving modest with him.

rach told us about this clever gift giving approach: something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. i think that's just FANTASTIC! after giving it some thought, i think we'll use that for birthdays, and for christmas we'll do pajamas, something he wants and something homemade, every year. someday, when éamon's bigger, and we have a larger house with a playroom, i'm going to make him a play tent/teepee. i'm pretty excited about that. i love imagination play. this year we gave audrey a superhero costume. i made the cape, and we randomly found a matching eye-mask and wrist cuff at a toddler store. i think it'll be loads of fun :)

thankfully the weather is much more placid that it was this past weekend. we'll soon head out into the world and enjoy the fresh winter air.

let young hands build you up,
and carve your face in honest rock.

feather in my ear

i had a great birthday. b made me breakfast, we went to see the hobbit, then when b headed to work at 4, i tidied the house while éamon napped, and i had some friends over in the evening. it was really nice!

it's funny because, for several months now, i keep forgetting how old i am, so i kept thinking i was 34, and even told people i was 34. so it doesn't really feel like i've turned a new age. 34 is going to feel like a long year :p for some reason, i have an easier time remembering even-numbered ages.

i've found over the years, that it's much easier aging when one has accomplished the things they wanted to do by each age. so i feel really comfortable with this new age, which i'm really thankful for. that peace of mind.

without a doubt though, this year is noteworthy because of the massive fire on princess street. what crazy event, and amazingly no one was killed or injured. it'll be interesting to see what happens with that empty space. it's such a shame, since it was the first step in the williamsville revitalization program. but, i suppose it's better to have burned down now, than for it to catch fire after people were living in it.

i also discovered that i have the same birthday as pope francis, which is cool, because i really like him. 

we didn't start the fire,
it was always burning.

volcano

i need to hurry up and go to bed. my birthday begins in less than an hour, and i need to be firmly in bed, falling asleep by then.

33.

thirty-three.

it's been a great year. i don't even know if i can, or should, put into words what a great year this has been for me. but i can say this... it's been one of those red letter years that i'll look back on as a time of great significance. and for that reason, i feel reluctant to begin a new year. i'm not ready for this time to be over, but i suppose experiences, significant or not, are not limited by a specific window of time. so it's not actually over. this feels like a very special time in my life, and i'm super grateful for it.

i've learned a lot about myself, my partner, my relationships, my friends and family, this city, and many, many unknowns. i feel like all these things, and life in general has been cracked open a little more. and i've really enjoyed it.

thankfully there's still much more to experience. still many rich and full adventures to enjoy.

and so with that... i say good night.

what was it like?
to be young, strong, stupid and drunk

nightlight

i've seen several articles and videos on the website 'upworthy' lately about bodies. how even the most beautiful models are drastically touched up. cindy crawford is quoted for saying that she wished she looked like cindy crawford. this, paired with david's sermon last week about bodies and the cultural obsession with bodies, has got me thinking (this is separate to my post-pregnancy reflections on my body) about my face. since éamon was born, i haven't worn much make-up – mostly because of time. i still wear it on occasion, and i feel torn about whether i should make time for it more often. i'm usually aware of it when i see myself in photographs. i've always believed that i wear it for myself, which is true because brendan prefers me without make up, and he tells me that all the time. so i've decided i need to re-train my brain to get used to seeing my face without make up. i didn't start wearing any make-up until my mid-20s. all through high school and college i had a naked face and i preferred it that way – until i started getting insecure and felt a need to improve my face.

so my new year's resolution for 2014 will be to go a year without make up. it won't be a choice, so i won't constantly be thinking i should improve myself. i haven't been wearing make-up lately, but the option is always there if i had the time. so to make it official, on january 1 i'm going to throw the remains of my make-up in the trash. that way, it's not there, and i'd actually have to make the effort to buy more if i felt tempted to improve my face again. i never notice make-up on other people (unless it's bad), so i don't imagine that anyone else will notice it's absence on me.

i think this is an important step for me. the world would probably be a better place if everyone just loved who they are.

lo, how a rose e'er blooming
from tender stem hath sprung.

pedal

i've gotten really into making soup lately. i LOVE homemade soups, and i love that it's relatively easy. i have this fantasy that when i go back to work, that i'll make soup once a week so i have homemade soup for lunch each day. i don't know if that's going to be possible, but i'd like to start by making soup once a week until then. i got started a couple weeks ago making cauliflower soup for our small group. it was so easy and delicious that i wanted to try another. so a week later i made a tomato soup. i think my next one will be a carrot-coriander soup. MMmmm, Mm. sounds delicious. brendan is always telling me that i'm a good cook. sometimes it's hard for me to hear that because i've always believed so adamantly that i'm an awful cook. but i suppose that even things that are hard to hear are important to listen to. his word are slowly helping me build my confidence.

i really like the idea of making soup each week, but i'm really not a routine person. i can't stick with a routine for more than a few weeks before it bores me and makes me feel trapped. but i think there can be a lot of beauty in routine. and practicing something over the long term can be very rewarding. that's definitely something i'd like to experience. so i'm going to try, little by little, to become more comfortable with a schedule. i know that my work schedule has often irritated me, but since it's not something i have a choice about, i was able to stick with it until i can to discover the benefits. i'm hoping i can do that with soup. not that soup is that important, but it would be a step forward.

nothing is wrong its what she did.