hope & courage

well here we are. sitting on the dawn of a new year. i feel as though 2006 has secrets waiting to be revealed. its an adventure waiting to be had with all the bliss and sorrow that may come with it. i'm totally ok with not knowing, for once in my life i have no hidden agenda packed in the back of my mind. i think that comes from years of being in school, you know exactly what's expected of you for years and years, then you graduate and find yourself without that plum-line and you're left making it up yourself. interesting thought. that just came to me. that's what i like about writing, ideas form in my mind as i type. it helps me sort out the maze in my noggin.

as you know i've been trying to just take life as it comes and stop planning it. i was just reflecting on this year, on all the things i didn't plan but were plesant surprises. things that at this time last year, i didn't know was going to happen. i'm gonna write them out in a list. melinda teases me about my lists, but i'm a visual person and i like to see things on paper. on screen in this case.

• my mom's car was totalled while it was parked in front of joy's house. (actually, that wasn't a plesant surprise, but it was something that happened).
• went on my trip to europe with pam (true that was kind of in the works last new year, but it'd fallen through once before, so it wasn't definate).
• april and mayelin started working at my office, which was a dream come true!
• started knitting.
• melinda spent 2 months in europe while i held down the fort here by myself.
• started hanging out with the boob group/teen girls squad/the church ladies/the girls.
• started doing the next standard.
• sponsored a kid in south africa (spheshile).
• volunteered at the screening room.
• took life drawing class.
• started babysitting with dad.
• caleb was born (again, was something i knew about last new year, but it wasn't something i planned).
• joined the YMCA.
• went on a road trip with lana.
• leslie got married.
• went on a road trip with melody.
• irina moved in.
• finally got over whatshisface.
• started "living room" at next.
• started pspd blog.
• almost bought a house. then didn't.
• started learning to cook a little.

well that's all i can think of right now. some of those things may seem small and insignificant, but they were listed because they were important to me for one reason or another. feel free to ask me for an explanation, i'd be more than happy so share the story behind them.

i think one of the most significant things that couldn't be listed because it can't be summed up in one line was this year i learned to take inititative. i learned to ask people if they want to go out for lunch, or if they want to do suchandsuch. i realized you can't live your life waiting for other people to ask you to do things, because if everyone sat around waiting nothing would ever happen. it started off small. i decided that each sunday at church i would make myself talk to someone and not wait for people to talk to me. i've discovered, chickening out can in fact change the course of your life. wow, that sounds very dramatic! but i think back to last january, i was sitting alone at church. i saw a girl named cynthia who melinda had introduced me to at a&p as a friend of chelsea's. so i mustered up my courage and went and sat with her. we got talking and after the service she introduced me to laney, and that was my first link to the girls. yes, i may eventually have met up with them later, but you never know. i could have just kept attending next each week sitting alone and not talking to anyone for a long time. probably years! i was soooooooo shy last year. 2005 has been a real turning point for me. gradually.

so i'd like to encourage you, my dear friend, don't sit on your hands.
don't wait for life to happen to you.
grow some balls.
let go.
run the race with perserverance.
don't look back.

i love you. thank you for being a friend.