badger

you know what the funny thing about moms is? that they know things about their kids that the kids don't know about themselves. i was talking with my very own mom today and she said a couple very insightful things that i didn't know about myself. first of all, she said "as much as you like to think you aren't, you're actually a lot more conservative then you think. it's because of your upbringing". i was really surprised to hear this. not that i think i'm some kind of radical or anything, but i don't recall ever being called conservative in my life. she went on to say that i'm very organized – which shocked me even more because i've always been the unorganized chaotic one in my family, and well i suppose i am compared to the rest of our clan. i got thinking about what conservative means, and specifically about what i was meaning when i called beckie a conservative driver. basically, i was meaning she's a cautious driver, calculated and moderate. when i thought of it that way, i suppose i could honestly use those three adjectives to describe myself (although, they wouldn't be my first choice, or even in my top ten). the other thing that stood out to me from my conversation with my mom was, i said to her "i really don't like being outside my comfort-zone", and she said very sarcastically "noooo.... reaaallllyyyy?? hm, i didn't know that about myself until i said it, but it seemed pretty darn obvious to her! funny. well, it was good to realize and i'll have to keep this in mind as i go forward and make some decisions about my future. basically, the one key thing i've discovered is that i don't actually WANT to do anything – including not wanting to do nothing. which is quite the conundrum. and well, that shows me that i can't just go with my gut because it'll tell me 'NO' every time.

i think what it comes down to is i'm an introverted extrovert. i'm an introvert who's taught herself how to interact with strangers and acquaintances, and how to make conversation. once i get to know someone i'm extremely extroverted and boisterous. but ultimately, i'm a very shy and it inhibits me far more than anyone knows. keep in mind, there's a huge difference between a quiet person and a shy person. i'm LOUD and shy, but my volume doesn't make me less awkward, it only masks it. that's why i love extroverts so much, because they're easy to be around and they're everything i'm not.

you know what? i don't want to make a decision. i just want life to be easy and things to fall into place for me. i realize it doesn't work that way, and i shouldn't even wish for such things, but i do. i'm just being honest.

if this is the life
why does it feel so good to die today?