remote

friday evening i went to the hot-tubbing at the radisson with shanno. it was great until afterwards when i made the mistake of forgetting to take off my bathing suit bottoms. i realized when i was fully dress, with boots and coat on. needless i say i was very annoyed at myself :S i had to wear my wet bottoms outside for much longer than i would've liked.

i've been suffering a lot lately from anxiety in various forms. i feel fragile and vulnerable. it's funny how uncertainty about the future doesn't really disappear, it only changes with your circumstances. i want to believe that everything will be ok. right now i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - uncertain about moving forward, and reluctant to stay put. 

in a way i think there's something lovely about not getting a lot of say in how life unfolds. i'm not convinced of my decision making ability. i make decisions about the future as though the circumstances will be the same as they are right now - which they won't be. in some ways they'll be better, other ways they'll be more challenging. i've never been a fan of uncertainty. my biggest apprehension is that i don't want to regret anything. i strive for that on a regular basis - no regrets. i actually think so far i'm succeeding, so i suppose i should take comfort in that. hmph. me and b, we're still on the shore, wondering if it's going to be cold in the water. they say it's warm once you get used to it. i guess i just need to be brave and dive right in.

one of the downsides to having a housemate is not getting your voicemail messages. 

i think i need forgiveness,
i think i need more than the rest.

explode

i've always been crudy with sewing machines. which i feel disappointed about. as a teen i took a sewing class in highschool with great hopes of becoming a skilled seamstress who makes her own awesome clothes. i got a really bad grade. i break sewing machines. without fail everytime i touch them i break them. however... jill and rach are telling me that it's just a question of practise. SO i'm now working up the courage to buy a used sewing machine when i come into some money. i'll have to start small. many just practice sewing lines and boxes. make a pillowcase, then maybe some boxer shorts. i'm afraid of getting my hopes up because they've been dashed before. it's so bizarre because i can confidently handle any power-tool that comes my way, but cower in defeat when faced with a sewing machine. i hope to conquer this skill and make it part of my repertoire.

it seems i've been bit with the house-buying bug. i'm no longer sending b job posting and i'm instead send him house ads. i can't really decide how serious i am about buying a home. i'm flirting with the idea although not ready to commit (which is good because brendan is not interested in the slightest - which is fair, he did move twice last year). i guess you could say i'm playing the field. the advantage to this is that we can wait til one pops up in the right area, with the right price, and the right amenities.

how you ever found that an album, although quality and listening pleasure, just doesn't jive with you because of your phase in life? that's remarkable to me. i like how music kind of shape-shifts and becomes more accessable at different times in our lives.

all covered in snow and mildly cold tonight.

universe

i don't usually like wearing wool. except for very cold days. unless i need the wool for warmth it itches me like crazy. the last 3 days i've worn sweaters, and when i put them on i wondered if it was such a good idea. but once i got out of my sauna of an apartment and into the cold outdoors then into my chilly office i didn't feel the itch at all.

b and i have managed to avoid shoveling the driveway this season because of our 4-wheel-drive small suv. until this morning we had this massive mound of snow and ice at the end of our driveway that we'd sometimes get "stuck" on in the car (stuck like a fat cow jumping over the moon - slow but still succeeding). but just as i predicted the snow sucking machine came by early early this morning and cleared the whole bank away. if you've never seen this mythical snow machine let me describe it to you... it's like a really massive wood chipper combined with a vacuum cleaner. it sucks the snow up and then spits it out at the top into the back of a dumptruck. it is quite the sight to behold. it's usually a six truck endeavor. i can think of 2 or 3 little boys who would be on cloud-nine if they saw the whole thing in action.

 

sometimes i'm right, but i can be wrong.

linoleum floor

the summer i was 19 i used to write you letters. emails actually. they were long and i typed well into the night. my mom was unsettled by how much time i was spending on the internet, i never told her what i was doing. my emails were often too long for your attention span and you wouldn't read them in their entirety. looking back i know that you reading them wasn't really the point. they were my salad days - before blogs or facebook. but my letters were a prelude to this. they are where i learned that i could articulate myself, that it gave me great pleasure and helped me uncover my innermost being. you are welcome, as always, to read what i'm writing.

the girls hate goat cheese. they speak about it with such distain that it translated into my mind as something as exclusive as blue cheese. when i finally had an opportunity for a taste test i took it and was very delighted by the soft and goaty cheese. i eat it almost every day now. i've started taking salad's to work instead of leftovers. i'm trying to mix it up, a little bit of variety so i don't grow sick of salad and repulsed by them. at the moment my favourite is baby spinache, blue berries and goat cheese with balsamic vingar. it's very possible that my new lunch routine is my favourite bit about 2011 so far.

 

in the quiet of the evening, when he was not home, i read.

 

through the window we watch the snow.

uncurl

the nuclear family is a term and concept that emerged in the 1940s, and is something that really disturbs me. it's this notion of "this is what a family is supposed to be, what it's suppose to look like, what's acceptable". since then, the family unit has changed dramatically so that very few people actually live within a nuclear family.

when i was 10 years old, my family no longer fit that box. when i was 21 i moved out on my own as a single independent woman, and didn't fit that box either. in my late-20s i still did not fit that description, and at many times felt like a freak. even now, i wouldn't say i'm part of a nuclear family. i'm not suggesting that the nuclear family is a bad thing, but rather it's not an accurate reflection of society as it exists. i'd really like to submit a motion to elminate the nuclear family as the golden calf of society.

i believe in community. i believe that friends and neighbours, church families and extended families are key to living fully and richly. there's no one way that that should look or function, but being immersed in community is essential to balanced living. to know and be known is one of the greatest experiences in life, and the nuclear family is not the only place that can exist. in fact, many nuclear families have no sense of comradery or accountability at all.

i do want for brendan and i to be a two-parent family some day. i think that's great and the ideal way to parent. but there is richness in having grandparents, aunts and uncles in the picture too. to having adult-friends for kids to bond with, and neighbours to engage with. i'm looking forward to the deep and meaningful life-long friendships :)

 

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

chalkboard

every year i LOVE (LOVE LOVE) to go to the banff film festival world tour's stop in k-town. i feel really pumped and inspired by that event. last year we had to miss out because we went to toronto to see rock plaza central, and we made a deal that we'd definitely go this year. sadly... we left it too late to get tickets and i missed it again. disappointing. well actually, it was slightly more complicated that that. when b went to get the tickets there was only one left. so he bought one for me. so i had the tough call of deciding to go sans brendan or miss out.

tomorrow brendan starts a new job. he got a job at startek so he can save up for college. he has training for the next 3 months between 1-9pm. which means i won't really get to see him in the evenings except for right before bed. so i decided to stay home from the film festival this weekend in order to spend time with him when i have the chance. the upside to this was that it saved us 30 bux.

since we were missing the festival, and we're short on money, i borrowed the first 3 twilight movies from my coworker and made our own film festival. it was fun, although b was a bit of a downer about it. it was supposed to be a silly and ridiculous event. i have to admit, by the third film (although i felt it had the strongest plot) i was sick to death of kristen stewart. she may single-handedly ruin that movie franchise for me. she's just so dull, as brendan pointed out she even makes accepting a proposal boring.

one of the highlights of my weekend is that i got an email from matt. it makes me happy to think of us renewing our friendship. he's very much like a brother to me. i'm glad to see that he's turning into a staple in my life. one who disappears for years on end, but always resurfaces. i've missed him.

i got eyes that can see through fantasy.

ticket

so guess what?? i found my missing pencil :S

someone didn't walk away with it after all. i don't know where it was hiding but yesterday i suddenly found it in my hand. i must have grabbed the closest pencil and didn't realize it was the one i'd lost in action. it's my favourite. it only has 3 sides instead of 6 so it fits so wonderfully in my fingers. and the paint finish is just the right amount of smooth. there's not a lot that my predecessor taught me, but she did tell me "when you find a pen that you like, take a whole box and keep it in your desk. otherwise they won't be there when you need another one". i've implimented this practise to much success, which is why i'm less disturbed when a pen goes missing because i have a stash of the exact same ones. i should've done the same with this type of pencils.

on my way into work this morning i was thinking about how today started so much better than yesterday. i'm kind of struck by how things can change from one day to the next.

b and i are short on money at the moment. lots of non-routine expenses coming up all at once. it won't take long to get back on track, but in the meantime we're having to be stingy and creative with our activities. it's kind of fun - the being creative part. i think occasional stinginess is good for the soul. it teaches balance and resourcefulness. one learns to not be wasteful, thoughtless, or excessive. i like that. i think the same prinicpals transfer into weight loss. eating well requires intention and attention (same goes for healthy spending). i feel like i'm currently forming new processing patterns in my brain and when i do get down to the weight/size i'd like to be the way i approach food will remain healthy. i'm having one of those significant experiences that change the way i live moving forward. similar to the experience i had in my early 20s with paying bills and managing money.

 

been looking for peace but they're bringing you war.

covenant

as i got ready for work, the eyeliner i'd just used on one of my eyes slipped from my hand and fell down the sink drain :S now it rests on the bottom of that pipe with a barrette that fell earlier this year. no wonder i'm paranoid about things falling down there. i'm going to have to get some kind of something to collect fallen items or my drain is going to get clogged quick.

my feet are freezing, but my legs aren't day 3 of long-john wearing under my work clothes. awesome :D

i did a great workout at the gym last night. i really pushed myself hard with the weights and i added a handful of arm machines to increase my upper body strength. i was pretty pleased with my rosy cheeks and my sweaty brow. i'm on the right track. woo-woo!

i had a lovely visit with mrs touw last evening. it was my first time in melissa's martial home, i liked the way photos of mark's family had popped up around the place. she was so warm and encouraging, and i love hearing about her life. she's such a gentle, kind-hearted person, and she enriches my life greatly :)

sometimes i sleep right up against the wall like i'm hugging it.

i've discovered the downside to our netbook. whenever i'm typing the fingerpad jumps to different parts and sometimes deletes whole paragraphs. that happened recently when i was emailing shanno, and i couldn't be bothered to re-type what i'd written so i just concluded the email with stories unsaid. i wish it was clever enough to recognise that if you're typing you most like want to stay where you are. the fingerpad should automatically disengage when i'm typing. so annoying!!

the only sound you hear is a closing door.

receipts

last night i had a nap at 9:00. i was kind of sleepy and thought i'd just shut my eyes in my cozy bed for a few minutes. at 11:30 brendan convinced me to get up and change into my pjs. it was a lovely long night's sleep. i was kind of disappointed because it's my only evening this week that i had no plans. i wanted to do some around-the-house things like read, or watch tv on the netbook. but i suppose sleeping is important too.

yesterday i did this fitness test at the gym. i'm kicking myself because i should've known there were strings attached :S the girl was very nice, and i found her helpful, but at the end of our session she presented me with a package for 112 sessions. i politely asked how much that would cost and she did the math then presented me with the sum of $6,875.00. i didn't really know what to say. i can't imagine that there is anyone in kingston that would be able to, or even choose to, spend over $6,000 on a trainer. imagine what that kind of money could be spent on! oh well, i'll just have to stick with what i'm doing. it was helpful to know that i have no upper body strength, i'll try to develop that a little so i'm more balanced.

beside all that i was quite encouraged after my session because i discovered that i'd lost 6 pounds!! hooray! or so i thought. i was also given my fat % which i thought had gone down, but unfortunately when i looked in my food journal today to compare figures i discovered it had gone up. after doing some math this morning i found that my number of fat pounds haven't less at all, which means the weight lost was muscle not fat, which is bad :S to be honest i was surprised that i'd lost weight, i actually thought that i'd remained the same, if not put some on despite of my low cal diet. so discovering that i've lost muscle doesn't surprise me. it's super annoying, but not surprising, since sheding my pounds has been quite the challenge. all this being said... i need to increase my food intake. i must not be consuming enough and therefore my body is using the stored energy in my muscle.

blah blah blah, this is all very boring. i wish this was not the story of my life at the moment. i know i have the tools within me to figure this stuff out (the girl even said "you're not new at this" and acknowledged my past experience as worthwhile. she affirmed me, i'm definitely moving in the right direction). right now i feels like i'm one step forward, two steps back, but i'm sure it will get better. i'll build momentum and eventually it will be like running down a hill - fun and exhilarating.

i hate it when people use my pencils and then walk away with them. for some reason i get very attached my pencils, more then my pens. pencils are much more specific - their weight, they're feel, their length are all important. someone stole my pencil, but i don't want to be petty by going to ask for it it back :S as a result i went to the supply cabinet and selected two new ones, but to be honest, i don't like either of them. and i feel resentment towards them....

 

late at night the feelings swim towards the surface.

blueberries

i'm wearing the long-johns that shanno gave me for my birthday underneath my work pants this morning. it's awesome. not only do i feel much warmer and cozier, i also feel like i'm undercover - secretly wearing blue long-johns and nobody knows it by just looking at me. it's awesome, this may be the highlight of my day.

brendan's getting a tooth pulled right now. my dad took him. when they made their arrangements yesterday and my dad said good-bye he threw in a "i'm looking forward to seeing you in pain tomorrow" then hung-up. i thought that was hilarious, b was a little shocked but felt that if anyone else in the world had said that it would've been weird but coming from george it was completely normal.

bren and i were discussing extroverts the other day. it began to occur to me that there are many different kinds of extroverts and i'm slightly baffled by this. after observing an extrovert who bounces around from one person to the next without much sincerity i began feeling really annoyed at the more extro people group. but in talking to bren (who is a self-identified extrovert) she pointed out that it's not extrovertedness, or even immaturity, that creates the appearance of lack of sincerity, but rather it's a lack of depth. it's strange that i'd never realized this before. i feel kind of liberated now that i get this. i have to admit, there are times when i'm warry of people because i feel like they're kind of phony, i feel i don't have interest in investing in people who aren't real with me. but i suppose some people aren't very complex, they simply are what they are. i don't really know where that leaves me. i say quite often to b "i don't need to be friends with everyone", and i firmly believe that. i feel i need to be friendly with everyone, kind and true, but i don't click with everyone, and it's ok if we're not friends. i don't invest in relationships that i don't feel a connection. and although i think that's fair, i struggle with it a little bit. especially when my friends can connect with someone i can't, or even worse when brendan connects with someone i don't. i know a few people where i feel a barrier, a wall. i feel that they won't let me in to anything beyond the surface of who they are, maybe they don't with anyone, but i don't usually persist in interacting when i'm left with awkward small talk repeatedly. it feels like a waste of time. and it drains me more than being alone. i'm not sure where this leaves me. in some senses i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. there's no going forward and there's no going back.

 

we're loving our netbook. we've only wrestled over it like small children once or twice :p and i quote "it's not fair, it's my turn!" that was me, we've got it sorted out since then. b and i tend to keep our things (foods, email/facebook, shampoo, toothpaste, computers) separate in order to keep peace. this works for us, i like it this way. so the netbook will be an adjustment, but it's a novelty and it will eventually be less novel.

 

they're moving towards you with their colors all the same.

oolong

this has been a very full day...

i woke up early to the phone ringing. garry asked me yesterday if i could put together the bulletin for his baby's service at next. i was very happy to help out, and he sent me the most lovely photo to use. since brendan and i had spontaneously gone out to see black swan at the movies last night i didn't get to the bulletin until quite late and went to bed around 1:30. garry had a few changes so he called so i could make the changes asap. i didn't mind at all. as a graphic designer i see myself as a service provider, which sometimes involves sacrifice of some kind.

i went back to bed for a little while then got up to work on hatch before going to esme's adieu. garry and shannon planned a lovely service to commemorate their wee babe. many tears were shed and many lovely words were said. i reallly wanted to speak to shannon, but i was afraid that i wouldn't know what to say or that i'd say something inappropriate, i'm kind of clumsy at the worst of times. but it was much more natural than i expected and i felt much more at ease once the ice was broken so to speak. both garry and shannon are doing remarkably well, they are well loved, at peace, and God is very present with them. we gathered to remember, although we'll never forget. 

on our way home, b suggested we stop by staples to price out some netbooks. we've been talking about buying a little netbook with my work bonus since b's computer is busted. he would like to buy a mac eventually, after he's saved enough for his tuition. we thought a netbook would be inexpensive, small, and tie us over until he's saved his shekels. we saw one on sale and had a little conference in the chair department - hashed out the details, and so on then decided to get it!! i'm writing to you on our little netbook right now!! :D this will be so handy, we can take it with us when we go to ireland, away for roadtrips, and i can take it with me when on business trips! or to the goat to write sermons! it's pretty exciting. it feels a little funny because i would never normally voluntarily buy a pc, because i'm pretty loyal to apple, i even have an apple bumper sticker, but whatevs, i'm computerly bilingual. i really wanted to buy a cute little travel case but brendan strongly discouraged it because it was an additional cost. but i'm gonna buy one eventually, i'll look forward to that :D

after more work on hatch we went to see the king's speech (it's been a weekend for movies!). it was really good, however, there was one part that made me think "well... i definitely cannot suggest this movie to my mom". haha. i liked it a lot. what intriguing people. i look forward to reading all about them on wikipedia. 

i'd rather see the world from another angle.

stereo

b says to me on monday evening, upon returning home from an evening with his peers.... "i'm glad you're not 21". then went on to say that partly the reason why our relationship works is because of our age gap. funny how that is. it's not what one would expect, but it's true. today he applied to college. he's going to study social services at slc. it's pretty darn fantastic since everything he'll study is what his heart beats for. he's kind-hearted, and loving. i think he'll excel in his schooling. anyways, the awesome thing about me being an established 30-something, is that we'll be able to pay for his post-secondary without a loan. he's going to work hard in the coming months to save, putting all his income into saving for school. i've never seen him so driven, motivated, or excited before. i'm SUPER proud of him. he's a good man.

i've had my earrings for a week now. i've got a lot of affirmations about them. i've also had a few people comment on how they must be painful or hard to put in. which is when i remember that not everyone knows they're fake :p they're earrings for regular piercings, they only look as though they're for stretched ears. i kind of like that :p the best part about my earrings is that they provide the edginess that i've been craving. maybe even a bit of the shock-value i lost when i combed out my dreads (aka my late dreads).

i lost 1.5 pounds this week. hooray! my reduced intake is making a difference! and i don't feel like i'm starving or suffering at all (i guess that's because i'm not!). i'm very pleased with my self-discipline.
 
you will see all that you need to see.

fluorescent

nancy and i went to see fiddler on the roof at the grand theatre. it was awesome! we had great seats - middle of the second row on the balcony. the only problem was that there was less than limited leg room. seriously, our knees were crammed against the back of the seat in front of us. brendan and gerry would not have been able to sit there. anyways, we loved the play. we're already big fans of the movie, and we felt they had done an excellent rendition. the costumes were really brightly coloured, and the sets were really well done. we really enjoyed it. i was underdressed. i did consider wearing slacks instead of jeans, but i honestly felt that since i'd been wearing work clothes all day that i wanted to be more comfortable. so it's my own fault, and it didn't effect my enjoyment at all. only i was a little overly warm because i didn't want to shed a layer and expose my skull+crossbones shirt underneath.

yesterday was a short day at work because there was a power outage. we were told they were expecting the power to return around 3:30 or 4, but it actually came back on at 1:30. oh well. i had a nice afternoon, i worked out and baked some cupcakes for some company. b was gonna do it, but he got called into work unexpectedly.

jo and hugh came to visit in the evening. it was so great to have them over. brendan and joanna had never met before, even though it felt as though they should've because i've known them both for quite some time. but they seemed to just miss each other all the time. it was nice getting to know hugh better too. we both really liked him, which is good because there's no guarantee that your partner is going to like your friend's partner. although, i don't think that's happened to us yet. i really like jo. i feel that she and i are on the same page with a lot of things, and she really resonates with me. i'd invited them over for a game, but we ended up just chatting the whole evening, so we didn't get to it. australians are a lot like brits when it comes to tea. it made me laugh that hugh served us all tea because he was in need of some.

 

the most beautiful laughter comes from the mouth of a mourner.

operator

i've got these two friends. they remind me of twins, even though they're not. they're so similar and yet so different. i find them so intertwined, in a delightful way. one of my favourite things about being with them is how i feel equally close to both of them. i can't really explain it other than to say that i've observed often in groups there's different levels of intimacy with each person in the group. but with them it's the same level, so i feel free and safe in their company. i like that i can whisper secrets to both of them as they shield me from the haters with their slenderness.

 

then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart
pumping someone else's blood.

beloved

one of the loveliest things about living as part of a community is having people to celebrate with.

but in days like these i get to see another side of community. this weekend, this week, and in the weeks to come we'll grieve together. we'll take the pair among us along with their little brood, and surround them. cry with and for them. while we give them their necessary space we knit them a tiny blanket, we cook them meals, we make them mixed cds, we think of them often and whisper prayers. there is something remarkable about the way a community is weaved together like a safety net in times like theses.

 

you say "it'll be alright, just wait and see."

stings

sometimes i watch dr oz at the gym. i've never watched a whole show, but i'll flip over to it during commericals. sometimes i learn helpful things... like how moisturizing your neck reduces the signs of aging (skin on the neck is thinner, so weakens earlier, thus adding weight to your face and making it sag). but then there was yesterday, when he was addressing the pain caused by high heel shoes. while he did give a helpful tip to the woman who chronically complains about wearing heels, he also gave her husband a pep talk to not become agitated by his wifes complaints (and made the man wear pink high heels to demonstrate the discomfort). this puzzled me. all i could think was "if high heels hurt your feet and legs, don't wear them". they're just a weird fashion accessory, and they're not your only option. while i can appreciate that the husband's annoyed attitude probably created tension in their relationship, i don't think him learning to be more sympathic is the only solution. it's not like heels are manditory, there are women all over the world who DON'T wear high-heels. this is just yet another social construct that women go along with without giving any thought to why.

to give you an update on my earrings... with a fresh hair-washing this morning i think they look great. they still point out funny, but my hair's got some texture now so they look pretty good.

 

hatching from the seed of your thin mind.

eavesdrop

i bought some earrings on etsy last week. the arrived today, to my delight. here's a pic.

i like them. they're edgy, which is what i've been wanting. but i think i may need to grow into them. have you every got a haircut or dyed your hair then felt a need to change your wardrobe? well these are making me wish my hair was... different – better in some way. maybe i'll be inspired to rise to the occasion and change it somehow.

anyways, the downside (except for the fact that i don't feel cool enough to wear them in public) is that my piercings are angled. rach mentioned that about her own once, and until then i didn't realize that was possible. although, i did subconsciously notice that hoops don't sit in my ears properly. my new earrings don't sit flat as they do in the picture. they point outward instead of forward. however... i don't think it will be as noticeable to others as it is to me. besides, they're kind of unique so most people won't know what they're "supposed" to look like.

the door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us.

download

i'm starting to realize something... i'm kind of a planner. that surprises me, because i think of plans as confining and rigid.

i'm known as the sister who doesn't plan, while joy is the planner - her life operates on an highly organized schedule. the first time i heard someone say about me that i don't make plans i grumbled under my breath "i make plans, they just don't work out". i guess that should've told me something about myself, but it didn't. i just adopted that projection of myself as part of my identity. in hindsight that was a mistake.

admittedly, life after 18 did not look the way i expected, neither did life after 24, or 27. and i'm happy about that. i like the place i arrived in, and recognize my own scheming would have missed the mark. i've taken to thinking of myself as a dreamer. i imagine possibilities, and later i imagine different possibilies as circumstances change. one thing i learned from my twarted salad-day plans is that i can't hold fast to any path because you never know what may, and will, come along unexpectedly. that just adds to the magic and my wonder at the possibilities.

i once made a new year's resolution to not plan anything. which released me from having an agenda or a schedule. i still dreamed and schemed, but i let go of the notion of having a life-plan and instead allowed myself to figure it all out as i go. which i think i've learned to do.

b is not a planner. i plan, and (thankfully) he goes along with my plans. that being said, i do plan things that i know he'll like, and he doesn't hesitate to protest when i offer a course of action that he doesn't like. in those cases i go back to the drawing board and come back with an alternative that will suit us both. b is all about "collaborating" instead of "compromising. i like that approach, it lends itself to the best end result.

on sunday, i thought about b's job situation, tuesday... where to go on vacation next year, yesterday... losing weight on my new exercise/diet plan, today... how and how much will we save for a downpayment. i get really exhilarated by these things. it gives me purpose, a reason to thrifty, a reason to be mindful of what i eat. since life is not stationary and i like having an idea of which way i'm moving.

so let the record show that i, lesley lorimer, plan stuff. and that i also dream and scheme when i have any spare moment. because i like to.

here in the land of frozen hands.

radish

this morning i woke up with a smile on my face.
i felt rested.
i felt happy.
the sun was streaming in the living room window at 6:30 am.
my house (except for our bedroom) is really tidy, and that makes me feel unencumbered. it's way easier to maintain unclutter when it's tidy to start with.
my body is feeling less bulky.
i was up early enough that i had plenty of time to shower, get ready, etc, and still arrive to work 10 minutes early.

my goodness, it's a glorious morning. it's just one of those days when everything aligns and i'm feeling great. which is nice, because i frequently have days that are the opposite (late, tired, grumpy, no sun, messy house, feeling fat). hooray! i'm so happy that today is a good day. i really want to be on time for work this year. i'm glad the year has started off well, but that doesn't mean i'll be able to maintain it.

i'm slowly getting the hang of eating small portions. now that i'm eating properly, it seems almost silly that i ate too much before. i think it's partly because when living alone its difficult to make small quantities of food. i'm becoming more satisfied with less that i don't want to eat more. this is encouraging. i'm confident that this will be a fully adopted approach by the end of this month. it's been said that it takes 23 days to form a habit! yay!

 

goin' back to a simpler place and time.

light bulb

i really enjoyed my winter vacation. i decided beforehand that i wanted to have an introverted holiday, and i succeeded. b and i slept late each day, watched movies and the band of brothers mini series. i cooked and baked. i didn't work out. we spent time with our families, including taking my niece and nephews to chuck-e-cheese. today we cleaned the apartment, got organized, purged some stuff, and put photos in albums and frames. we've also been taking a lot about the future. about this next year, what it will look like and what direction b should go in. we're both feeling encouraged and that we've finally caught the scent and are on the right track.

i told b tonight that i wish i was always this relaxed. work and routine brings an element of stress and pressure to my life that i don't like. i'm happier and far more chilled when rested. nothing is a chore or obligation. i'm not grumpy or anxious. i wonder how i can learn to infuse my regular life with this sense of peace. because i want to be peaceful.

i should get going. tonight i sleep instead of rest. i'll dream instead of recharge. i'm already completely full. it's the new year, and it is good.

so this is the new year and i have no resolutions
for self assigned penance,
for problems with easy solutions.

fireworks

bren and i concluded that 2011 is significantly less attractive in writing than 2010. even saying it is less lovely.

ah, the new year. after seeing the gertrudes at the KRC last night, b and i went to the erbs and hungout with jill, rach, and jase. we played crokinole and drank things. it was great. i concluded that my ideal new year's celebration is just a small gathering with good friends.

i like looking forward into a new year. i like imagining the possibility. i like wondering what will happen. how things will be different this time next year. i wouldn't have thought b and i would be married at this point when imagining life on this day last year. i thought we'd get married in january or february of this year, but things change, plans change. i like that.

i'm not one for new year's resolutions, but i do like starting a new year with a new habit in the making. to take on a new practise and make it part of who i am. last year i planned to learn to say no to things, and i think i've succeeded. i've decided that this year i'm going to eat smaller portions. my instincts are to eat more than i should of things, and i need to change that if i'm going to lose weight. i've decided with each meal or snack, to consider how much i instinctively want to eat, and then cut it in half. so far i'm doing pretty good, and when i fail i'm usually pretty aware of the fact that i ate more than i should've. so, here's to a year of learning to consume less.

there's a few things on the docket for 2011:
• visit beck in quebec city in february
• trip to ireland in march/april
• road trip to cornerstone music fest in june/july
• reach my goal weight and feel comfortable with my body
• go to a bingo hall with shannon

:) i feel happy about this year. i feel freer than i have before, and more content. i'm becoming less tortured as i get older. i've gotta go. we have a dinner date at the melles's down the street.

she moves like an old gypsy woman but swears she’s a girl.