remote

friday evening i went to the hot-tubbing at the radisson with shanno. it was great until afterwards when i made the mistake of forgetting to take off my bathing suit bottoms. i realized when i was fully dress, with boots and coat on. needless i say i was very annoyed at myself :S i had to wear my wet bottoms outside for much longer than i would've liked.

i've been suffering a lot lately from anxiety in various forms. i feel fragile and vulnerable. it's funny how uncertainty about the future doesn't really disappear, it only changes with your circumstances. i want to believe that everything will be ok. right now i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place - uncertain about moving forward, and reluctant to stay put. 

in a way i think there's something lovely about not getting a lot of say in how life unfolds. i'm not convinced of my decision making ability. i make decisions about the future as though the circumstances will be the same as they are right now - which they won't be. in some ways they'll be better, other ways they'll be more challenging. i've never been a fan of uncertainty. my biggest apprehension is that i don't want to regret anything. i strive for that on a regular basis - no regrets. i actually think so far i'm succeeding, so i suppose i should take comfort in that. hmph. me and b, we're still on the shore, wondering if it's going to be cold in the water. they say it's warm once you get used to it. i guess i just need to be brave and dive right in.

one of the downsides to having a housemate is not getting your voicemail messages. 

i think i need forgiveness,
i think i need more than the rest.