less

there's a lot to be done in the next two weeks. and i get overwhelmed easily. i cherished this evening as my only free night until next week when i'll get another before loads of more busy nights.

his thick american accent made it difficult to understand what he was saying. he made me blush repeatedly. i hate that.

i'm really hoping that they'll do away with daylight savings time. they don't have it in saskatchewan or cuba, so why not do away with it here too! on saturday night jo and i enjoyed a lovely evening at the butlers. i hadn't seen them since december, it was really great hanging out with them. i appreciate the open invitation to crash their place any time. i didn't get home until 1 am, which turned out to be 2 am. stupid changing the clocks. like really, is it actually necessary? we only did it for about 3 and a bit months, why bother.

some day i'll look back and think how incredibly young and stupid i am right now. and how i thought i was getting "so old".

i think i'm suffocating.

i might make it and when i do i might grow up a little bit.

vanishing

man, this day was all over the charts, but thankfully it ended on a good note.

i went to my second bored meeting tonight, this time i was the only girl because the others were away. i loved that at one point i got all chocked up in a room of 6 men and had to explain that i'm pmsing & really emotional right now. hahaha. they were really good about it, as i expected or i wouldn't have told them that. my display of estrogen definitely made up for the lack of other women. haha. however, i must admit something must be done about my pms prompted mood-swings. does anyone know of any kind of herbal teas or something that can help mitigate them? i'm not sure if they're more sever than other girls, but i'm a very emotionally charged person, i feel everything deeply and i'm usually quite impassioned, so i'm sure that plays a role in my pms.

i went to get my taxes done today. i love getting my taxes done, it's fun :) i really like my accountant, he kind of reminds me of harold from "the red green show". i've decided that i'm going to buy a dvd player with my some of my return. i do have a dvd player in my computer, but my bedroom set-up isn't very conducive to having guest for movie watching. and well even tho i don't like buying things i don't need but i can justify it when i've come into some money.

I'M GETTING REALLY EXCITED! i leave for vacation in 2 weeks today! kind of funny tho that the place i'm vacationing was -27º today :p

i got an email from a friend today that she'd sent to a bunch of people asking everyone to describe her in one word. it was kind of neat. i thought of doing it too, but instead, by way of this story, i'm asking you to post one word that describes me in the comments section. and in return i'll post one word for you! deal?

all you see is where else you could be.

charge

chivalry is not dead, it's just rare. and a girl cannot count on it being there when she needs some help. i hate shoveling. it's hard work for the best of them, but especially hard for me because i'm not very strong. i'm not a small girl, nor am i particularly delicate, but i'm not big and i'm not sturdy, which makes shoveling extra hard.

i didn't want to do it, but there are things i hate doing that have to get done and i need to be able to do it. i need to rise to the challenge and be equipped to take care of myself. i did manage to shovel my driveway all by myself. here's pic. unfortunately it's not as impressive as it actually was. although, my snow bank is higher than my car. i feel pretty proud of myself, and no doubt i'll feel sore tomorrow.

the other night after storytellers garry and todd offered to push my car out of the snow pile. i kept insisting that i didn't need their help, it must have been annoying and very snotty of me. i did appreciate the offer, but i need to be able to get out of those situations on my own. i guess i should have just told them that instead of declaring i was accepting their help against my will. man, it's scary when i think of the difference between my intent and my behaviour. i wish my mind was more transparent.

while i had my camera out i took this photo of my bruised arm. it doesn't look as awesome as it does in person, but i thought i'd just snap a picture anyway. there's some foreshortening going on here. i swear my arm is longer.

i'm torn between two train of thoughts. i'm so confused and i don't know where i'll land. am i more or less capable than i think i am? am i going to be ok or not? am i lonely or do i have too many people in my life? should i get housemates eventually or should i always live alone? should i cut my hair or keep growing it? i just don't know anything anymore. oh give me something i know unswervingly.

i'm really not a bad person.

i always lose in the end.

do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl.

chopper

i was chatting with rach today at michelle's pampered chef party about something i realized most people don't know/understand about me: i'm SHY!

i know most people don't realize this about me because for all appearances i don't seem to be shy, but i am. the thing is, i'm well practiced at social interaction. i can typically make conversation with just about anyone, i can talk an ear off any ole stranger, but it's not because it comes naturally to me. it's actually quite hard! i usually ramble when i feel most uncomfortable, it masks my insecurities. this can also give the wrong impression that i'm not shy.

shyness has and will remain to be one of my biggest hurdles. a lot of my past decision were made directly or indirectly because of it. part of me is afraid that i'll live in kingston my entire life because my last experience of moving away was so painful. don't get me wrong, i love kingston, but i don't want to live here only because i'm too shy to go some place else. there are so many things i wish i could go back and change, and i'm afraid i'll regret some of the decisions i'm currently making. i'm missing out on the things i want to be doing.

so when i'm weird, awkward, clumsy, tense, or inappropriate, if i skip out on social events or chicken out of activities, please excuse me. because i'm already feeling terrible about it.

my internet is wonky today. i think it's from the bad weather.

it's been a long long winter,
don't remember them this cold.

guacamole

i think perhaps i think too much.

there are things i want to say to you.

like.

i'm the worst pet-sitter ever. i feel especially guilty because rhonda gave me this really cool book for taking care of her dog.

i'm very excited because melissa asked me to make her another mixed cd :D

other stuff.

i'm trying to figure out who i am,
but there's no hand to hold.

akin

i feel frickin' fabulous.

i just returned from a fantastic walk around downtown, i'm pumped, i'm chilled, i'm flushed and it's great. i've gotta tell ya, this is amazing in contrast to the kind of day i was having about 4 hours ago. the knickers and i had our very first fight ever. needless to say it was a pretty crappy day. however, mid-afternoon i had to quickly run out to the guardhouse to drop something off and discovered what a marvelous day it was outside. i wished i'd gone walking at lunch time, and quickly decided i would walk this evening instead of ellipicating. and i'm so glad i did.

oh spring how i love thee. there's something utterly liberating about it. it makes me feel fresh and confident, sexy and invincible. i know this whether won't last, the forecast is calling for 25 to 30 cm of snow. but i will love it regardless, although it flirts with me ever so teasingly.

i think it's ironic that i'm so pumped by this spring-like day meanwhile i'm going to the artic in less than 3 weeks. that does seem quite peculiar. cold climate is definitely not my bag, but it's an experience of a life-time and i'm excited about high-tailing it outta here for some grand adventures.

i think my uber grotesque bruise is at it's peak right now. i have to say i quite enjoyed the reactions of my fellow storytellers last night when i pulled up my sleeve to show them. rachel's reaction of horror was especially amusing.

my plans for the rest of the evening involve me curled up reading my book. it's beginning to hook me and i'm looking forward to escaping into another world. i love that about books. sometimes i need that kind of distraction.

i look to you to see the truth.

domestic

i've been thinking about identity these days. self-identity. the elements that make up who i am. i've been especially thinking about parts of my identity that i'd like to break-ties with. things i no longer want to associate with me. sometimes it's hard to know what i acknowledge as myself and what things i've adopted from other people's perspective of me. i honestly don't know if i'll be able to disown all that i'd like to abandon. these things have a way of clinging to me against my will. all i know is that the time has come for me to shake off the things that so easily entangle me.

i am lesley. i am not categorized.

i think i ate too much for dinner. i'm still full and it's four hours later.

no more singing in the woods.
no more singing in the car.
no more singing in the streets.
no more singing in the bars.
no more singing in the yard.
no more singing in the park.

mullet

i'm very excited. tonight andrew, shannon and i went to donate blood together for the very first time! it was very amusing. i don't know if i laughed so much because i'd just given away a pint of my blood and was perhaps light-headed or because the situation was humourous. we had to fill in all this paperwork, the only question i was able to answer 'yes' to was "are you feeling well today?" the rest were all no's. it made me feel like i've lived a very boring life. however, i'm not complaining about not having hepatitis. we all agreed the question about the monkey was quite surprising.

i liked when the nurse flicked my finger to get a blood sample. it felt like she'd snapped it with an elastic band.

well, for several minutes there, it looked as though i was going to be a failed blood donor. they stuck me in the left arm and dug around for a couple minutes. i quickly caught on to the fact that there was something wrong (thankfully i couldn't really feel anything, but i knew it was a bad sign). basically they told me i had bad veins, which kind of surprised me because usually i'm pretty much textbook at everything medical. however my mom has bad veins, so the nurse figured i get that from her. by the time they tried my right arm an & shan were already done and waiting in the "cafe" eating cookies. in the end they managed to hook-in and drain me quite quickly. it wasn't at all as bad as i thought it was going to be. i imagined that it would feel like they were vacuuming the blood out of my arm. it doesn't feel like that at all. it doesn't really feel like anything at all. when they were done i said to the nurse "hm, there seems to be quite a large bump here, is that normal?" it turns out it isn't and they gave me some ice and lots of sympathy. apparently i'm going to be horribly bruised tomorrow. that's ok, i kind of like bruises, it'll be like a souvenir. i would definitely go again.

i was telling an & shan about how i want to branch out and stop just sitting on my ass expecting to do stuff down the road. if i want to experience life i need to do it now! i need to stop putting off until tomorrow what i can be doing today. that's partly why i'm excited that i donated blood tonight (aside from the obvious of helping save 3 people's lives), i'm happy that i did something new, something that scared me and it wasn't too bad. it was quite fulfilling.

may this be a year full of firsts and boldness.

we were gonna live it out.

intrepid

to my disappointment, my trip to pittsburgh got cancelled, or at least delayed. the vp we were going to have meetings with has to be in las vegas for contract negotiations so there's no point in going. oh well, it's not like i was super excited about going, i was actually annoyed about it interfering with my social life, and i didn't want to have to get up at 4 am to catch my flight. however, i was looking forward to at least feeling like i was DOING something with my time instead of the same-old same old. i fear the life unlived. i worry i won't be able to go skiing because i can't find anyone to go with. that upsets me because it's the story of my life. although d might come with me, but he wants to snowboard and i don't know if that'll work if i'm gonna ski. jo thinks it would, so maybe i shouldn't give up on that idea so quickly. i'm a little too fast to resign when facing difficulty. i don't have any ski clothes either. hm, this is getting overwhelming...

i think the secret to a good life is moderation. i'm still trying to get the hang of that, but when i listen to her speak it reeks of unbalance and it disturbs me. people who don't have a firm grasp on reality can be very convincing. it's easy to be swayed by them, to take on their outlook. i'm starting to realize that with certain people i need to filter what they say, and disregard the garbage. i stopped at joy's place to see liam on the way home tonight, i hadn't seen him since he was born. i had a good talk with her while i was there, and i left feeling so much better, she helped me regain perspective. liam's so little and has a super distinct nose, it's incredible, i've never seen a baby like that before. caleb seems huge compared to him. liam looks more like a mcknight baby i think.

do you ever find that you work for years to get to where you want to be and then when you arrive it makes you antsy being in one spot? that's how i get sometimes. i get restless. i've decided to allow myself the liberty of just doing what i want for the next little while. i won't burden myself with obligations, if i don't feel like vacuuming or doing dishes, i'm just not gonna do it. instead tonight i read my book. that was very enjoyable. it was very centering.

i've had enough of this thing for tonight. i'm gonna post this entry then shut down for the night. until tomorrow... stay fit and have fun.

surprises always help.

tongs

oh my goodness, i have this really good song stuck in my head and i can't for the life of me remember what song it is or who it's by. argh! i thought it was by the hot hot heat, but nope. i can only remember the first line, it's really annoying.

so i went to waterloo this weekend to go to melody's wedding shower and bachelorette party. i had a really good time. i'm glad i went and partly because it was nice doing something outside my normal world. i got a drive with her friend carolyn, she lives in belleville so i drove there then we went in her suv. it worked out really nicely and she's a really nice girl, we had no problems making conversation. i kind of like road-tripping with complete strangers. she's suggested i get a drive with them to the wedding too. at first i told her i wasn't sure because i was hoping to take someone as my date, but as i thought about it i can't see myself convincing my token gay friend to come as my date, and i think it's a little lame at this point to bring a girl-date, so i think i'll take carolyn up on the offer. it's not ideal, but it'll be fine. it fits with me embracing my circumstances and gives me a chance to overcome my complex.

one of melody's friends name is meredith leslie which is INCREDIBLY ironic because my name is lesley meredith. so trippy!

i don't go away for weekends very often, i think i'm kind of lazy, it's just easier staying at home. however, then i look back on my year to realize i haven't gone anywhere or done anything. this has got to change. in the car, carolyn and i got talking about skiing. i've never been. i would like to go skiing this winter, i need someone to come with me. anybody interested in tackling the bunny hills with me?!! i still have 3 weekends before i go to baffin, that's plenty of time. i also VOW that i'll go to montréal this summer. i've never been before and i think the time has come.

before i go to pittsburgh i need to invest with a decent manual toothbrush. i used a cheap, crappy one this weekend and now my gums hurt. i'm so pampered having an electric toothbrush.

i can't believe it's march already! wow.

God give me strength to bear this mighty freedom.

maybe

it is well with my soul.

thanks again. i forgot to tell you that i like the way you spell tonne.

i'm currently duking it out with my paperboy. i have a plaque on my mailbox that says "no flyers please". in recent months that plaque has been ignored and each week i take at least 3 newspapers out of my postbox and put it into the recycling bin. i've changed my strategy and now i'm being passive aggressive. i'm hoping by not removing the newspaper he'll eventually stop trying. so at this moment it's overflowing with newsprint. HA that'll teach him.

tomorrow i'm going on a road trip with a perfect stranger. i don't suppose it'll be as significant as the last time i traveled with someone i didn't know.

i really like that i never cease to come up with new ways to wear my hair. i find that exciting.

you know what would be gross? unshelled peanut m&m's. YUCK!

i'm late. i should go.

games that never amount
to more than they're meant
will play themselves out.

cultivate

i feel like i'm breathing fresh air. a huge burden has been lifted from me and i can move about in any which way.

i had a brief, yet valuable, conversation with bren yesteday. she reminded me that life doesn't happen in sequence, but instead it happens randomly and chaotically. i think she's right. i've been living with my life on hold and really there's no sense to that. it's not a game of dominos, it's more like a game of pick-up sticks.

i've concluded that the next best thing to someone making me a casserole is when someone comes to my house and makes me dinner. melissa did that for me tonight. i felt kind of guilty that i sat at the kitchen table with my feet up yakking away while she made a salad. she's so lovely.

i think my body is reacting badly to my new deodorant. hm. in unrelated news, my hair is looking fantastic today. it's so long and straight and flat and layered. i love it.

i have a new sense of newness and wholeness and oneness. i hope it stays. i'd love to start each day with the same sense of possibility and wonder. it's amazing.

it's not about what's wrong,
it's about what's right.

oops

life changes from day to day. it's really the only thing that's certain. however, one thing i can always count on is good friends. i decided this morning that i was going to need some good company tonight or else i'd start feeling sorry for myself. so i sent out an email to rally the troops. unfortunately, no one got the email until quite late in the day, although jordin, joanna, cas and chelsea did manage to make it. and i'm so glad. they all came bearing chocolate, ice cream, life savers, booze or inspirational magnets. it cheered my soul and lifted my heart. i'm so blessed to have such fantastic friends. i'm glad i choose to live my life so transparently, because everyone's there for me when i need them. i don't regret that.

your encouragement has meant a great deal to me. more than i can express. i am night and day.

the girls and i got talking about how boys always do way cool group events, while we girls never have people to do stuff with. it was so good for me to hear that they feel the same way, and declared that we should do stuff together more often! i'm even hoping to organize a girls camping trip this summer. heck, if the boys get to have a camping trip than why can't we!?!? then we had a group hug.

without a doubt, i get better with age. like a fine wine really.

raise your hopeful voice.

end

how is it possible for me to be everybody's favourite girl and yet so incredibly unlucky in love. it just doesn't make any sense. this strange contradiction makes me almost ill.

apparently i'm unlikable by men. guys just don't dig me. i'm undiggable.

what's wrong with me i wonder. perhaps i SHOULD become a nun, maybe it was my calling all along.

take this sinking boat and point it home.

lovely

does anyone else ever just feel compelled to do something? i wasted 45 minutes driving around ktown this evening trying to find a copy of "little women" because i felt an urge to watch it. totally random! i wish i hadn't wasted my time because i didn't find one :( one of these days my compulsions are going to get me into trouble.

marilyn brought me a box of cook books at work the other day. i guess a friend had given them to her and she picked what she wanted out of it and gave me the rest. there's one cook book that's looks particularly good. i think i'll go thru it and dog-ear all the recipes that interest me. there's another book that weirds me out a little, it's called "cook milk any flavour you'd like!" that's so bizarre! i'm sure i'd cook for myself more often if i didn't keep my fridge and cupboards borderline empty all the time. joy called tonight to thank me for the casserole i made them. they'd just finished it. i'm glad they appreciated it and yet still noted the irony that they'd just had a casserole i'd made and i was about to have some campbell's tomato soup for dinner.

as i talked with marilyn today i realized that the reason why i'm going on that business trip to pittsburgh next week is because they want to mentor me to advance in the company. she made some comment about me being there long after she retires. so i said to her "well you never know marilyn, hopefully i'll have kids someday and maybe i won't come back after that. i could really easily set up my own graphic design business". she seemed really surprised to hear this. it's as though it never occurred to her that i'd like to have kids eventually. i guess we've never talked about it before, i'm glad i said something because if nothing else it prepares them for that possibility down the road. partly why i decided to become a designer is so i could free-lance from home. i'm certain i could develop a fairly lucrative business, i already do a lot of probono work, so i'm sure i could get some paying customers thru word of mouth. but whatever, that's a long way down the road, in the mean time i'll take advantage of working for the man.

i can't believe it's after 9:30. i feel like i wasted my whole evening. i wish i'd found a copy of little women, at least i would be able to account for what i did this evening. i'm gonna go call little r, and drink some wine while i do some dishes (it has to get used up!). i'm feeling guilty about using my time so unwisely. although, i did do my workout so that's good, i felt like i had a little too much ass today :p

i don't know you,
but i want you all the more for that.

**********************************
addendum:
is a broken wine glass recyclable? because i just broke one while doing the dishes. my pinky finger is bleeding.

stitches

liam daniel olding was born at 9:20 am today.
he was 6 lb 12 oz.

i was there.

tim called at 6:52 to say that they were at the hospital and i'd better get my butt down there. i rushed as fast as i could and made it into her room on connell 5 by 7:20. she was 5 centimetres dilated. when i realized she was still only halfway and had another 5 centimetres to go i wished i brought my knitting. i had to leave the room when she got the epidural, that took about 20 minutes, then after that it was smooth sailing. we chatted about various things while tim made phone calls. i asked the nurse questions, tried to be helpful and stay out of the way. at about 8:50 while tim had gone to the cafeteria for a coffee, joy said to the nurse "i'm feeling a lot of pressure". pat the nurse checked her out and discovered she was now 10 centimetres dilated and ready for action. she took some time prepping everything, and joy began pushing at about 9:10. it went off without a hitch. text-book. fantastic. several of joy's friends and my mom were concerned about me being there, and joy's friend diane told her to keep me by her head. but i wasn't scared, disturbed by the blood or bothered by her nudity.

i loved that the tool used to break her water looks like a crochet hook.

i got to cut his umbilical cord.

several weeks ago someone asked me what i thought the name would be. i said i wasn't sure, then the name liam popped into my head. i told her "well, for some reason liam comes to mind, but nah, it probably won't be that. it was too popular a couple years back". i was shocked when she told me, i danced around and said "i guessed it was going to be liam!"

i have never felt as connected to my womanhood before in my life. i was utterly amazed by my own instincts. once he was out and lying on joy's belly, she and i just cooed at him for the next 45 minutes. amazed at his goopy beauty. i just wanted to look at him.

at one point when they were trying to get joy cleaned up, tim said "oh, did you want to get covered up because les is here?" and joy said "no, les has seen it all before". there is no shame between us. i'm amazed by the bond between my sister and i. this person i know as though she's my own self. sometimes i find myself looking at my fingers, or my elbows, searching for scars i was certain existed, until i remember; no those are joy's fingers, they're her scars.

i'm so honoured to have been at the birth of her son. to witness him emerging. to celebrate his arrival. i don't think i'll ever be the same again.

and i look at their babies,
and their tiny little hands,
and the way they get loved and the way they get loved.

memorial

oh my belly... i ate too many organic swedish berries.

guess what?!!? i bought boggle today. i woke up with an overwhelming urge to play it. historically, i haven't been much of a game person. i think it's because 95% of my friends are girls and we usually sit around knitting and chatting. but it's also that i'm not competitive at all, i don't care enough, it's just a game. however, i got thinking about my aversion to competition and realized something.... winning has never boded well for me. in the past when i've won at something (admittedly not very often because i really don't care about winning), the person i was playing against has made a big stink. i remember with one boyfriend, we'd played chess about 30 times, then i won and he refused to ever play with me again. same thing happened when we played tennis. that makes a person feel this |----| big. when i was in elementary school, if i ever got a C on a test or project i would just leave it on my desk, i didn't care if anyone saw it. but if i got an A i would flip it over because i didn't want the person who got a C to feel bad. i don't mind competitive people, i just wish they were mindful of their actions. making someone feel crappy for winning is a terrible thing to do. i hate sore losers, they ruin things and take the fun out of everything. i'm excited about boggle, i'm taking it to rhonda's tonight. this doubles my game collection! although, yatzhee doesn't belong to me, it's melinda's. man, i love prison-rules yatzhee.

i'm a wildflower. you're a wallflower.

everybody makes mistakes,
but i feel alright when i come undone.

wooden

i have this problem. i eat smart food compulsively. i had a friend once who would buy it for me all the time, i think he did it to please me when in truth i'd be like "oh crap" because it has this crazy power over me. i love and hate the smart food.

i try to be like you,
try to feel it like you do,
but without you it's no use;
i can't see what you see
when i look at the world.

don't ask. don't tell.

after the puking continued i had to take the honey to the vet. it turns out it was a result of her eating my desk plant. phew! if i had to put down another cat due to unfortunate incidents i would be rather distraught. so i'm having to take the plant to work instead of keeping it here at the pad.

i went to jase & rach's for the evening. they are one of my favourite couples. they're super individuals and an amazing couple :) i had a great time sitting on their floor couch and chatting the night away. jase found this hilarious website: http://www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com/ it totally cracks me up. just keep clicking on the text and it'll scroll thru several dozen different proclamations.

for my next project i'm going to knit a shrug. what's a shrug you ask?!? well, it's like a bodyless sweater. it just covers your arms and a portion of your back. i see myself wearing one with a tank top on mild summer evenings. anyways, i found a couple patterns online and i'm trying to decide between them. here's option one and option two. i'm leaning towards option two but haven't come to a final decision.

well, i'd have to say, all things considered, i'm a very thankful person. on the way to work today i was thinking about how grateful i am for my job. and i'm thankful for little stubs who's allowed herself to be my soundwall regarding the bored, and i'm glad that honey is not dying. and that my laundry lady did my last load for free because they lost my t-shirt last time. that doesn't make up for my missing shirt that i really liked, but it was a nice gesture.

i got out of the shower today and my face was bleeding. i don't know what i'd done to it, but there was a little cut on my cheekbone. i didn't tend to it, it left a mark all day. i really like it. i don't know why. i realize that's weird.

i've been writing long entries lately. sorry. considering i'm finding my life so boring lately i sure have a lot to say.

giving the chances to take it all in stride.

argh! you've GOT to be KIDDING ME! that's so unfair :(

secret decoder ring

puking cats make me nervous. to me, a puking cat = death. i'm worried because honey has been puking since last night before bed. i'm really hoping that there's nothing wrong, but i'm honestly a little scared. this morning i woke to the sound of her barfing on my bedroom floor at 4:45. i couldn't fall back to sleep. thankfully, my rude awakening made me realize i still had my contacts in. my day was tiring and i felt like ass all day because i only had 5 hours sleep. feeling tired makes me feel sad and i just didn't have any resilience.

i wore my glasses to work today. numerous people were commenting on them, apparently they'd never seen me in glasses before except, i HAVE worn them before. ferrence even said to me "what are those things on your face?". then he corrected himself and said "thing, why are they plural?". i told him because there are two glasses. he still argued with me. so i said "what about pants?? pants are plural". then i wondered why pants are plural and shirt is not. they've implemented a new dress code at work. i'm not particularly happy about that. secretly i kind of like being dressed up, but the frugal side of me doesn't like buying work clothes. so i resent this new standard. however, i do relish the fact that all those jean wearers finally got shut down. sweet justice.

a nice warm sunny spot in my day was when i arrived home to find a package in my mailbox from dawna. yay! she sent me a book called "the friday night knitting club". i got into some cozy clothes, tucked under a blanket and cracked it open almost immediately. THANKS DAWNA! your timing was impeccable. i'm gonna go read.

she said i look exactly the same as when i was 13, except only cooler.
he said i'm worth it.
i say i can do this. i hope.

what goes up has so far down to fall.

come

i'm having a difficult time distinguishing between fiction and non-fiction. what's real and what's my imagination? i'm so confused i don't know what's what anymore. then out of the blue i have my sister's exboyfriend giving me unsolicited advise and i want to say to him "listen, i don't recall asking you, or even talking to you in the last 14 years". just because i wear my life on my sleeve doesn't mean everyone gets to have an opinion about it.

today is the first ever family day (as you already know). the only thing i really wanted to do today was sleep in. i've been having a huge battle every morning getting out of bed, and have been looking forward to this weekend for that exact reason. when i finally pulled back my covers this morning it was around noon. i was awake for a little while before that, but i just enjoy lying in bed in a dozy state, paralyzed with comfort. i have to admit while i laid in bed i kind of felt sorry for myself that i don't have any special to do on this holiday in february. however, then i decided that what i need this time of year more than a vacation day is a mental health day. i seriously think anticipating this long weekend has been the exact reason why i haven't had a sick day yet this year.

although, i still felt a need for some company. and seeing as i'm a proactive person and find sitting around waiting incredibly painful, i decided to call joanna and see if she'd like to go out to a flick with me tonight.

joy's due to pop out the little mr at any moment. she's trying to occupy herself with school because she's anxious to get that kid out of her already. i would find that so difficult. that would make me crazy. i say in complete honesty, that i'm not controlling. i'm pretty sure others would agree, but i can't be sure (i know a lot of controlling people who claim that they're not). BUT i find facing something out of my control very very difficult. this is because i'm a very task oriented person, if something needs to be done, i like to just do it. i don't cope well with uncertainty. i can even deal with bad news better than no news.

with your feet in the air and your head on the ground,
try this trick and spin it around.

burnt

sometimes i'm amazed that i've known myself all my life and am still learning new things about me. i am not an organizer. meaning, i never think to organize events. and this bothers me, i'm disappointed, because i really like doing stuff and going places, and yet i'd have to lite a fire under myself if i was actually going to do it. i really like people who can come up with great fun ideas and execute them. i want more people like that in my life. don't get me wrong, i do have friends who are like that, but often our schedules conflict or they're busy doing their fun things with other people. i'm more of a go-along-with-other-peoples cool plans kind of person. i wonder if can change that about myself. i bet i could. once again i'm kind of lamenting the fact that i have very few friends in the same stage of life as me who can just drop everything to have grand adventures or even go with me to the goat on a sunday afternoon. but maybe it's not a matter of stage of life, maybe i just assume too often that no one is free.

i kind of wish i was more evasive. jason got me thinking today, he told me he thought i want everyone to know my business. hm. i wonder if that's true. it is in one sense, that i answer people honestly and i'm not very good at holding in my own business. but on the other hand, i want to be more secretive; to keep myself to myself. i haven't learned to be discreet, i'm legible, i'm translucent. you know? i guess that's just the facts. that's the way i am, so i guess instead of trying to change that, instead of "fixing" it, i'll just have to learn to pick my words more wisely instead of rambling and letting words come out of my mouth.

my ipod makes me strut.

sometimes in life you have to hope for the best.

banjo

my face is cold. my cheeks are rosy.

the things not said between us, add to our silence. i don't know why i didn't realize it before now, i don't know if it's possible for us to move past it. but i can't tell her, i won't.

as i stood at a concert at the artel tonight, i felt a wave of nostalgia. i don't know why, i don't know what. but it was there. i stood listening, and watching the people around me. aren't people fascinating? especially musicians. i don't think there's anything i get lost in the way a musician get's lost in her music. but maybe there is. a person tends not to realize when they're completely absorbed in something.

it seems to me that fear is a good sign.

after the concert i said goodnight to tracka and harry potter... err, i mean lyon (tim cut his hair and totally looks like harry. it's awesome!), and went down to the goat for an hour to read. i had my ipod with me and totally enjoyed my chilly stroll. i wasn't there long, only just settled at a table when i saw from the corner of my eye someone approaching. like a sixth sense, i knew what was coming... he hit on me. i politely told him that i was just there to read and wished him a nice evening. poor guy, i kind of felt sorry for him. he seemed really nervous (which was kind of peculiar because i don't think i've ever made anyone nervous before). but! one must give the guy some credit for being ballsy. good for him.

after i finished meticulously reading (i made for darn sure that i would get a lot of reading done, i didn't want to turn him down in order to read and then spend the next 45 minutes staring out the window), i got on my winter gear and headed home. i LOVED walking with my ipod, that was only my third time using it. it was GREAT! it makes walking so much more enjoyable. i danced my way up colborne street in the dark, holding my free soup from the goat in my left hand. good times. this is clearly the beginning of a beautiful relationship. my ipod and i get along like a house on fire.

now's my chance to find out who i am without a man.

fur coat

i spent my valentine's day evening baking a casserole for my pregnant sister. i'll freeze it, then they can re-heat it once she pops out the junior man. haha, it's odd to me that i'd even make mention of valentine's day because i'm really not a big celebrator. i don't like anything that obligates me. last year i made everyone valentine cards, but didn't this year. it's not that i don't love you girls this year, i just can't be bothered to give cards. maybe i'll make you some for easter or canada day. however, i think i'd prefer to remember the part of today when i went to melissa's house, ate some dessert and drank some wine.

i have to admit, i made that casserole begrudgingly. it bothers me that joy gets a casserole AND a baby, when i don't get either. but not to worry, no need to pity me, i'm sure i'll get my very own casserole some day. regardless, it's done and i'm glad that i did it, i'm happy to be helpful. and i must say, i think it'll turn out to be my best yet.

it's it funny how things work out. i could never have predicted.

jordin came by today to give me some buttons for my tea cozy. she also brought me some unwashed eggs straight from the chickens uterus. haha, do chickens even have uterus's?!?!

love...
it's like a hurricane;
it happens in florida,
it destroys everything.

bad kisser

oh my goodness, i'm feeling very rebellious. i have all this stuff i should be doing right now and i simply don't wanna. i need some fresh air. i need to clear my head.

i've concluded that i feel very naked without my cuffs and my rings. unfortunately, i've been wearing my cuffs since 2002 and the left one is getting a little worse for wear. i don't know what i'll do if it breaks all the way thru. i'll be utterly naked all the time. i don't even like the THOUGHT of that.

isn't the internet grand? my dear old friend ali located me via my blog. she's living in japan! i've been noticing a visitor from japan since last summer, but had no clue who it was. never in a million years would i have suspected it was her. i'm glad it is. i'm glad we've reconnected.

you know... i believe the right music can lift my spirits. i believe it's ok to fix my hair and put on make-up even when i'm spending the evening at home alone. i believe with time and enough effort i'll shed my few extra pounds. i believe your crush on a younger man is acceptable. i believe i may be one of the world's best kept secrets. i believe she's going to win that house. i believe in resigning. i believe in irony. i believe your trip to australia was life-altering. i believe in forgiveness. i believe i need to get this thing out of my house. i believe i've paid my dues. i believe this summer is going to be fabulous. i believe this fever hasn't yet broken. i believe valentines day is a crock.

love...
it's like a trailer park;
ugly but functional,
the rent is cheap enough.

integrity

there was a bit of a mix-up. these things happen. we arrived for the vagina monologues at 8:10, to discover that it actually started at 6:00. we thought it started at 8:30, hence our leisurely approach and our trip to the goat. it was really funny because we did catch the last two monologues, and as irony would have it we arrived in time to see the one and only one about orgasms. different kinds of orgasms actually. it was funny and yet awkward. shannon kept apologizing because she said that was the worst one. hahahaha, the whole thing is just so comical, that sort of thing would only happen to us. we've decided to plan to go together next year instead, in the meantime shannon's going to perform the all monologues for me and chelsea at a later time :p

yup, that's my ticket, and yup it DOES actually say doors open at 5, but.... i don't know. we thought it started at 8:30, so why would one look at the ticket! or something. i dunno.

shannon's lent me the book. i think i'll go get into my 'jammies and crack it open. i was going to wait until i finished my book on south africa, but i'm only half way thru and i'd like to make up for missing the show tonight.

chelsea helped me decide that since i'm not a 14-year-old boy in the 1990s, i should not wear the necklace i was given. that's what i suspected, but i just needed a second option. in truth, i prefer to choose my own accessories.

i can't find my purple t-shirt. i have a feeling that it disappeared at my laundromat. that's what i get for sending my clothes out. instead of my t-shirt it returned with two random sox that didn't belong to me. they're presently in my garbage can.

i really don't like it when people tell me things i already know as though i'm an idiot. please refrain from patronizing me.

OH, exciting news! i'm going on another business trip to pittsburgh! i'm going on either march 4 or march 5. i'm staying at a different hotel this time, there's no indoor pool but each king-size room comes with a whirlpool!! right on. haha, it's funny to me that i get a king-sized bed. i like to sleep sideways across it just because i can. anyway, this time i'm going to go up the duquesne incline. it's apparently it's the second most beautiful view in the usa. maybe, if she's good, i'll take the knickers with me.

love...
it's like a new born child,
seems interesting when it's young,
gets pedestrian after a while.

cochlear

well i'm back from my very first bored meeting (yes, i spelled that right, they call it the bored at next). it started at 6:30 and i got home around 10:20. the funny thing that according to the agenda, we should have been out of there by 7:30. however, i had a really good time. next is an interesting topic and something that's very close to my heart. PLUS, the other bored members are great and extremely entertaining. i wonder about my role on the bored. i wonder how much it will attach itself to me, or if it'll just feel like a sojourned assignment. i do feel a little more comfortable with my commitment after this first meeting. at one point i kind of looked around and thought, this is my first meeting of a three year term. this is the beginning of something.

i feel like i'm holding a poloroid picture, it's just barely beginning to develop. i've just got to wait and see what this picture is going to look like. i'm excited, i want to know, but i have to wait. these things take time.

i'm kind of jealous that you get to peak into my world.

love...
it's like an interstate.
it gets you from place to place,
but it's littered with dead raccoons.

subordinate

OH FOR PETE'S SAKE I'M SO SICK OF BEING MEDIOCRE!! @#%&

seriously, i'm so frustrated with myself. why can't i be good at something, i'm always just so bush-league, and it's really upsetting. i'm getting so tired of getting my ass kicked by everyone!

i finished my tea cozy. it looks awesome, i literary jumped around and squealed at how great it turned out. until... i got it home and discovered it's too tight. it doesn't fit properly on my tea pot. which defeats the purposes and i'm so frustrated!! oh.... (5 minutes later) i just stretched it out and apparently it's fine. alrighty, false alarm. regardless though, i do lament my mediocrity. please don't take this as a plea for compliments, because sometimes it makes it worse when people say "what are you talking about, you're a great knitter" when i know in truth i'm just average and a little sloppy. rachel tells me that mennonite's always include a flaw in their quilts as a reminder that we as humans are flawed. that's kind of refreshing. however, i don't do it on purpose.

here's a picture of me and koe-koe examining
my petit cozy and my medium size pot.

you know, what he said actually offended me to my very core. i can't believe anyone could be so unbelievably ignorant. like, how does he live in THE WORLD being that narrow-minded. nothing is black & white. it took all that is within me to not crawl across the table and shake him. it made me want to email d to tell him i love him just the way he is, but i know that would be suspicious, and i didn't want to explain it. i don't want to burden him with that crap.

i used to be that narrow-minded, until the facts of life pelted me and i developed a new vantage point. it's kind of nice, it's like i've been thru the fire, got a little banged up, but am now formed into something new and better.

for once i want to be the car crash,
not always just the traffic jam.

full

i really need your buttons. chop-chop people! i've finished my tea cozy and am all set to felt it at my homestead tomorrow. in the meantime i've started an ipod travel-case for when i go to baffin. i'm going to need to take my charger with me, and i want a little case to keep everything together. it's coming a lot very nicely considering i'm making the pattern up as i go.

it's almost 8 and the only thing i've eaten today is breakfast and some cookies. tracy came over this afternoon and i baked for her. it had a really lovely visit and i'm so happy she called. it was really great, we had a really good talk and it's left me with lots to ponder about. i've been thinking lately about the necessity to talk with people in different stages of life. i like how everyone has different perspectives and different life experiences. i have so much to learn from everyone, i have my own hurdles to overcome. i was telling tracy how tired i am of retelling the same life stories over and over. but i'm just lazy, i think i should just suck it up and accept that life is like that. there are no short-cuts, we don't come with prologues.

something always happens when you're away. i wonder what may happen this time. i don't think you should be allow to leave the continent, i always get myself into trouble. however, i'll try to behave. unlike last time, or the time before...

i should go. miss joanna is expecting me in the west-end where we'll spend the evening discussing politics and foreign affairs. haha, ok not exactly, but the foreign affairs part is true.

streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.

consonants and vowels

cp got a maid! A MAID! i'm so jealous. how awesome would that be!?!

i had to shovel today. and i concluded something... i was not made for physical labour. i'm such a weakling it's unbelievable. to make matters worse, i couldn't even twist open my tea ball this evening.

you may be on to something. i think i'll take your suggestion.

keep on fighting to remember that nothing is lost in the end.

proof

exhale... i've just arrived home. i've been out all day. first, and most obviously, i was at work. second i was at my mom's for dinner. third i was at the hatch folding party. there was a great turn out tonight and we managed to fold, stuff and staple 500 copies. if you'd like one, please send me your request (and address if necessary). it's a gooder. next step is i have to take them to work and cut them all on the guillotine. THEN we're done. good stuff, good teamwork.

apparently the cat is out of the bag. it's rather embarrassing. does no one know how to play it cool!?!?! :p

i sat beside jay who talked my ear off the entire evening about his visits to a nudest resort. every time i thought the story was over and we'd all moved on to other topics, he'd gently direct my attention back to his nude escapades. it made me a little uncomfortable, there's only so many naked jay stories that i can handle. aside from my awkward shifting in my chair, i had a really good time, and laughed loudly outloud many times. you know the kind of laugh when you throw your head back and the cackle comes from deep in your throat. ah, it felt good.

my mom told me tonight that she and joy are taken a back by my confidence. i guess when i was talking to joy the other night i was telling her how great i am and she didn't know what to think. i laughed and said "oh come on mom! i say that kind of stuff tongue-in-cheek!". sure, i've been known to talk about how awesome i am, that i'm charming & adorable, or sexy as hell. but i'm not serious! if i say that kind of thing and the person i'm talking to starts to laugh i know they "get" it. if they don't, they've clearly missed the point. i'm the first person to criticize me, i have no false delusions. but i think i have a pretty good balance between loving myself and finding me incredibly annoying and frustrating. besides, i take credit for nothing.

i'm just so sick of feeling less than perfect.

spaz

yay yay yay yay!! my ipod arrived today. i'm so excited. it's really little. i got yelsel engraved on the back. it's nice an simple, and undeniably mine. i'm listening to cut copy on it right now! i have it clipped to my painting overalls and i'm dancing around like i'm an ipod commerical. wow, i suddenly feel like such a yuppie!

i never love nobody fully,
always one foot on the ground.
and by protecting my heart truly
i got lost in the sounds.
i hear in my mind all these voices,
i hear in my mind all these words.

with

i feel like my subliminal messages are lost on a world that's ignoring me.

sometimes it feels like the powers that be are stacking the cards against me. i'm constantly taunted. constantly teased. you'd think i'd be getting used to it by now, but no. i think it's worse each time, because i tend to think that ONE of these days my ship is going to come in. and with every new horizon i'm wonder if this is the last. it never is.

i dream of stuffing my ears with mini marshmallows and running far far away. i'm jaded from hearing the same thing rehashed over and over. i've heard it all so many times before that it feels like the words are slowly crushing me. it's making me claustrophobic. i know they mean well, but i just can't take it anymore.

i think my ipod may have arrived today. i discovered a fedex card in my stack of mail, but it was too late to run up division street to retrieve my package. i didn't notice it earlier because i got a postcard from my mom and an amusing envelop from mr al. so maybe tomorrow!! yay!

maybe i would have been something you'd be good at,
maybe you would have been something i'd be good at,
but now we'll never know.

kananaskis

rhonda and i were talking today about how no one blogs about mediocrity or the mundane. well i'm sure some people do, but i doubt many people read those ones. anyway, most people (myself included) talk about strong opinions, strong feelings, big events.

shannon and i are going to see the vagina monologues next tuesday. i'm really excited as is she. she's seen it three times already. shannon's this really adorable women's studies major; she's very passionate and it's infectious. i'm still just getting to know her, and i look forward to hanging out, but i thought the vagina monologues may interest others, so i wanted to put it out there if anyone is interested in joining us they're welcome. perhaps shan and i can go out for dinner before hand just the two of us.

my day started off a little crabby, but it improved thru the day and ended on a good note. i really enjoyed sitting around little r's dinning table with her and tebrake drinking tea and talking about life. it doesn't take much to satisfy me, i'm extremely grateful for all my friends.

i discovered that my hands are the same size of that of a 9 year old boy. when i say this, i don't just mean in length, i mean in finger size. i have unusually small fingers. compare my thumb to someone else's who's also 5'5" and mine looks tiny. it's like a miniature thumb!

i finished hatch this morning at 11 am, then took the files to church to give brandon. this issue was a little painful, but i'm still really proud of it. maybe even more so because it was so challenging. i can't wait to see it in print.

i want to run through the air with no barriers or obstacles.

lysol

on thursday night i was outted as a next church board member. yup it's true. it involved a lot of arm-twisting but i finally cried "uncle" and that was the end. i feel it was the high-five from matt that made it official. this is not sometimes i undertake with much enthusiasm. i find it scary and a lot of responsibility – not like everything is on my shoulders, it just makes me one of the bullseyes for blame. it's a three year term which blows my mind, i can't imagine the state of things in 2011. but, i should console myself, not a lot has changed in the last three years, and i don't suppose much will change in the next three years either. three years isn't a huge amount of time, and i always stay fundamentally the same. melinda tells me that being a board member makes me a woman. wow, ok. i guess that's alright, we can't ALL be little girls.

i was over at helen & terrences last night. i took a cab because the snow was so deep i got stuck pulling in my driveway. helen is obsessed with this one famous girl's live journal. we spent some time perusing it and found this. crazyness!

now that i've found the united kingdom i should get back to painting.

i have photographic evidence that we met in january 2006 at the grad club.

don't try too hard to think... don't think at all.

mitigate

my auntie carol sent me some money for christmas from england. i was hoping that after the currency exchange it would give me almost enough to buy a new bed. however, with the dollar being so unusually high it was significantly less than i hoped, and not nearly enough for a bed. so i was left with this money trying to figure out how to spend it and wanting to use it for something special instead of just letting it get absorbed into bills and stuff. i've been wanting to get an ipod for the last several years but i could never justify spending money on something i don't NEED. so i didn't get one. at some point this morning the two thoughts collided in my head. i went to the apple website and decided on a silver ipod shuffle. it's only 1gb and it only holds 12 hours of music, but i usually listen to the same stuff on repeat anyway. the shuffle has always appealed to me and even more so now that it has that clip. i got it engraved, any guesses on what i got?? melissa and beckie... you can't guess because you already know.

i paid off my visa bill tonight that had my flight to baffin on it. it smarts a little, especially because this was payday so i have no hope of replenishing my funds for two weeks. i'll just tighten my purse strings, it'll be fine. it feels good to pay off debt. hurts so good.

sometimes i like to flirt with danger. toy with peril.

my mama thinks i'm grown but i'm really just little.

votary

hahaha, you have NO idea how close to home you hit.

i wish i'd ignored external pressures. i wish i'd stuck to my instincts, they ARE there for a reason. usually to help us avoid danger. but i can't blame other people, they were only trying to empower me.

i read a quote the other day that said "if we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves". i know i'm capable of more, i want to challenge the invisible barriers that inhibit me. although, i'm more daring than i give myself credit for, it's not usually until i become aware of other people's fears that i consider if what i'm doing is not feasible. and then i chicken out. i fully intended to kite-board when i'm visiting beckie, it wasn't until she alluded to her own apprehension about it that it occurred to me that it may be more challenging than i thought. i'm still gonna do it. i want to prove to myself that i can.

i really don't like mixed messages.

i would like to hug shawn's brazilian girlfriend every time i see her from now on. and i vow to some day learn how to pronounce her name.

i think i need to get back into puzzles. al and i were talking about my puzzles on saturday when he was here, then my dad pointed them out too. i still have two set up on the back porch that i completed in summer 2006. i don't really have a good place inside to work on them, but i really like doing puzzles, it's really relaxing. then when i went to joy's place to get the mattress she gave me a bunch of puzzles from tim's mom, she thought i might like them. maybe i'll start one tonight if i get the chance. for now i need to go ellipticate.

the ball is in your court.

hey... i'm in need of some new tunes. what's everyone into these days??

this is how it works
you're young until you're not
you love until you don't
you try until you can't
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.

tie

out of nowhere, i felt compelled to eat a chicken pot pie. so i pulled over at the nearest grocery store and bought two. i took them out of their little cups and incidentally they collapsed into a blob of tastiness. this is noteworthy because i'd never had a chicken pot pie before.

she don't think straight.

hoax

my new bed is lovely. i might even go so far as to say it's luxurious. ironically though, andrew told me this morning that i looked really tired. which surprised me, i would have expected to look more well rested after sleeping in my fancy new single bed. regardless, i was relieved he said tired instead of old. hm... i'm suspicious that i may have a peter pan complex.

this morning i flicked on my hairdryer only to have it cough it's last and die. smoke literary puffed out the back. i went to church with wet hair and quickly developed a toque-head. i'm not sure what to do with my now-dead hairdryer. i can't just put it in the garbage, can i? that feels wrong for some reason.

what ARE the statutes of limitations? at what point will i know to just cut my losses?

hatch status: still in progress

you know what's ironic? that last night my neighbours had a big party downstairs and seem to have turned out the heat to accommodate the large quantities of people in their house, and now it's cold in here. so ironic. the music was loud (didn't bother me), i could smell the alcohol thru the vents (didn't bother me), someone parked in my driveway (REALLY bothered me) and i had to park on the road. thankfully there's that extra parking strip on my york street for m centre so it's not illegal to park overnight. otherwise i would've been a real party pooper.

am i beautiful or worthless?

tbd

my family and i were talking a couple weeks back about words of encouragement. joy was telling us about people she knows who never received compliments or encouragement from their parents, and how grateful she is that my parents praise us so regularly. at first i thought "that's silly", but as i listened i realized that not everyone is so forthright, and i could see how i've just always accepted my mom and dad's affirmation as the norm. then i thought about my life, and how i love telling people what they're good at, i love praising my friends and encouraging them in what they excel at. i also appreciate it when people do the same to me. it fuels me, it's something i need. i'm hesitant to use the word need because it's a strong word, but it's important for me to acknowledge my own vulnerabilities. i know it's easy for self-doubt to creep up on me, but affirmation from others dispels it.

i've been up since 9 am working on hatch. i'm still not even half-way thru. i keep backtracking. i was making some good progress, but i took a break to go to joy's place to get a new mattress. my dad came to help me, we drove all around ktown looking for someone who would take my old one off my hands. it was funny because i don't know when my dad drove with me last. i have a feeling that it was back when he taught me to drive stick in '98. so only 10 years :p my new mattress is great! it'll be a good interim mattress until i can buy a new bed. it's nice and thick, soft yet firm.

am i made of plastic?
am i made of sand?

telemarketers

well i got significantly less work done of hatch tonight than i had hoped. so much for multitasking.

i like how transparent you are. it makes me feel less inappropriately exposed.

you know... even though this is a colder winter than last year, my house has been warmer this year. i haven't needed to put plastic on the windows or use a space heater in the bathroom in the mornings. i was quite suspicious last year that my downstairs neighbours, who control the heat, kept it way down, and when they went away at christmas time i think they turned it off completely. i talked to my landlord's mother and asked if they were aware that they control the temperature for the whole house, i think she talked to them about it. since katie and chris moved in i haven't had any problems. that's good. i like them, they're good people. sometimes katie bakes me cookies. oh crap, i keep forgetting that i've given her a vague invitation to come up for a cuppa tea sometime. i really need to follow thru with that invite. i hate being "that person". you know, that person who says stuff they don't mean.

i like that my cats have names connected to songs: honey – green eyes. pekoe – my coco. (fru – frou frou.) now that i've established this, i just wish i'd remember to feed them. it's the least i can do.

i was slightly frightened by her lipstick. why was she wearing so much?!?! it gave me the hebegebees.

your voice it sounded kind,
i hope that you like me.

bottle drive

i'm such a tool.

anyone who might have seen me running up the street, away from the brew pub, giggling all by myself, would have thought i was insane. but i couldn't help it.

i'm 28 years old and i still have a joint bank account with my mother. she doesn't use it or ever access it, but my monthly statements arrive addressed to both her and me. and whenever she's at the bank it appears in her list of accounts. she was saying again last week that we need to get that changed because she finds it very awkward seeing how much i have in the bank. i don't see what the big deal is. she's my mom for goodness sake.

on the drive home from work each day i drive past a large field that stands between the road and an unseen quarry. tonight as i drove, i saw about a dozen deer standing in the open space eating the grass that stuck out from the snow. it was amazing. THEN about 5 minutes later, two wolves ran across the road about 150 ft head of me. so neat!

i need to develop a poker face. can that sort of thing be learned or is it something people have innately?

how do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

milk

she tells me to be careful, and i laugh inappropriately. but i know that she's sincere, so i sober up quickly. i think this time i should listen to her cautions. she remembers what i chose to forget. she is my safeguard and my left ventricle. the laverne to my shirley. i can't put her thru it twice, it's one thing to be careless with myself, it's another to be careless with someone else. ok, maybe it's three times, but who's counting.

my glass ring slipped off my finger today and cracked in two. i love my glass ring, it's black and matches my cuffs and helmet. melinda picked it up for me in austria in 2005. i'm quite lucky it lasted this long, seeing as everyone elses has long since broke. my forefinger will be naked without it, so i'll wear it just the same, until i can find a suitable replacement.

i've started the layout of the winter edition of hatch. it's kind of slow going. i didn't get started until late in the evening, and when i know i only have 2 hours it's hard to build momentum. i should have started earlier, but it's tricky juggling everything. maybe on thursday i'll start right at 5:00 and order in some dinner. or maybe i should sign up for next church's meals on wheels. true that's supposed to be for sick people or new moms, but i'm an obsessed graphic designer. i'm sure that counts as an illness of some sort.

i'd be lying if i told you it was fiction.

you're my favourite book.

frozen

my driver's licence arrived in the mail today. and i've gotta say, i don't like it. the new design sucks! blach! AND on top of that, i don't like the photo treatment. here's my photo, i wasn't sure about posting it online, but i've cropped everything out. maybe just to be on the safe-side, after everyone has taken a gander, i'll delete it from this entry. as you can see, they've made the photo sepia toned, and used photoshop to make the background (and a portion of my head) transparent. it's weird. besides that, it's a bizarre photo of me, i'm not even looking at the camera! however, i'm sure next time i'm pulled over i'll be all shifty-eyed, so that'll work out just fine. i also look slightly decapitated.

this photo reminds me that, once, when i was 14, i was told by a doctor that i have a SLIGHT lazy eye. i don't know how true that was, but it got me all confused and for years i thought the whole "right-camera/left camera" effect was the result of my so-called lazy-eye.

i sent you a postcard, i wonder if you've received it.

now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all.

oil and vinegar

all i can say is melissa is a genius, this hot chocolate is heavenly.

i have so much on my mind. prepare yourself, this may be a long one.

1) i went to the banff film festival last night with the lovells and co. this year they didn't have any cultural stuff, which was a little disappointing, but it was still really good. right on schedule it got me questioning my cubicle living and wondering if i should be doing more with my youth. these days are fleeting, have i done all i'd like to do? and i wonder if i've strapped myself into my cube because i'm afraid to step into the unknown. i don't know, i don't THINK i'm afraid, but how can i be sure? and since it's not fear that holds me back, is it the knowledge of my own limitations? or do i limit myself more than those limitations do? so it goes in my head; questions, and questionable answers.

part 2 of 1) after church today i went down to the goat for some lunch. i went alone, i was sort of hoping i'd find someone at church to eat with, but then when i was there i couldn't be bothered asking anyone to join me. but thankfully, upon arriving at the goat i spotted beckie's friends kate, anne and spencer. being a sunday afternoon in january, the place was really packed, so i joined that trio at their table and i had a lovely time. i can honestly say that i mingle in pretty well with most people, that's something i'm very grateful for, it makes life easy and enjoyable. i got telling them about the festival and how i fear for my cubicle life-style, but anne encouraged me a great deal. she told me that working a day job is highly underrated and that it does still leave me a lot of time for other things. which is true! plus, i WILL get to see the world some day, only it will be over the course of a lifetime instead of a 6 month stint. ah, that's reassuring. now i can go back to work tomorrow seeing it as a means to an end instead of my own personal prision.

2) this afternoon i bought some randy bags. some what you ask? it's a little nylon tote bag that folds up and you can keep in your purse/bag. they're great! i got them at trailhead for $2.99. they're so handy, i used them today to carry home my groceries. yay! this totally helps with my no-plastic bags new year resolution. AND the sexual innuendo is priceless.

3) this afternoon as i walked to and from downtown i considered spontaneity. am i spontaneous or am i rigid? i concluded that i like spontaneity as much as the next guy, but what i can't stand are half-baked ideas that screw everything up. it's not the random-sporadicness that makes me insane, it's the poor planning. you can be unpredictable AND well organized. ok, that kind of sounds like a contradiction, but what i'm saying is, a person can come up with a sudden plan and still execute it well. it doesn't have to be haphazard.

4) i screwed up my tea cozy and i have to rip it out :( oh well, i've never knit with circular needles before and it got twisted. now i understand what they meant in the instructions by "be careful not to twist the stitches".

when routine bites hard,
and ambitions are low,
and resentment rides high,
but emotions won't grow.

maroon

ok people, once again i call upon you for assistance. i need your buttons, your rejected and discarded. please give them to me so i can give them a home. when i say buttons i mean this, not this. i realize this may come as a shock to you as i am frequently associated with option 2, however, for this specific request i need about 2 dozen of option 1. why you ask? well, because i need them for my current knitting project. instead of those little bobble thingys, i'm going to use buttons from my friends. and i thought it would be cool to get one from everyone! so dig thru your junk drawers, or cut one off your favourite shirt. stick'em in the mail or give them to me next time i see you, it'll be so fun, it's like a communal art project :D

don’t you worry it’ll all work out.

proportionate

i've identified a new pet peeve. i hate it when people think they're above the rules. sometimes life calls for rules, in order for these rules to work, everyone needs to abide by them. it's really annoying when certain people seem to think the rules (usually for their own safety or to keep some kind of order) don't apply to them. it's really frickin annoying, because usually it's not just not one or two people, it's usually a lot. and so that usually results in anarchy, even if just a little bit. argh, so annoying.

sometimes i can be passive aggressive. when i'm aware of it, i usually feel completely guilty about it. such as now.

fear is the heart of love.

fussocking

aw frig. i HATE all day meetings that include lunch meetings. they're so boring that it feels like someone's eating my brain. thankfully i could tell by the look on marilyn's face that she was incredibly bored as well, so i didn't feel so bad.

i had my mom over for dinner tonight. it's been a busy week and i haven't had time to grocery shop, so i just fed her found objects in my fridge. it worked out ok, she was here for my company not for my cooking. we had some good laughs. the crappy thing is that now my kitchen is a mess and i've been trying to stay on top of that. i'm just gonna go turn on the dishwasher and then floss my teeth.

i seem to have misplaced my trademark necklace.

my mom had never seen an outtie bellybutton before coming to canada. hm, speaking of bellybuttons, i think there's something wrong with mine.

i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

discombobulated

i'm totally pooped. kathi is up from pittsburgh and we spent the day in meetings then the evening in a dinner meeting. it was exhausting. i definitely prefer what i do on usual days than on days like this. boring!

tonight, marilyn was talking about this strange woman in our office, and she explained "she's just different". then knickers said "so what? so's lesley!" hahaha, that totally cracked me up, and i assured her that i was not offended. i guess it just surprised me to realize that it was so apparent.

on the bright side, i did knit while we were at marilyn's house and i got my second red sock finished. i found it funny that i was the only one there under 50 and yet i was the only one knitting. and i wondered if instead of being a little girl if i'm actually an incredibly old woman. hahaha.

i think i'd like to knit a tea cozy next. i need to find a pattern.

i don't mind, if you don't mind.

I AM FREAKING OUT!

rats

my face betrays me. it tells my secrets.

andrew explained to me yesterday why they dye cheese orange. that's baffled me for YEARS. that, and pink lemonade. what's up with pink lemonade?!!?

i need to be more discerning. i can be far too trusting and i tend to talk openly to everyone, and it's unwise. i'm don't think it's naivety or poor judgment, i'm just really enthusiastic and i tell them what's on my mind. the problem is not everyone is a safe person and i can't go blabbing to just anyone.

melinda gave me some really awesome advise yesterday. she said "you have 20 minutes to freak out about it and then just let it go". i'm going to try and adopt this concept. i like having a good passionate rant sometimes where i wave my arms about and ludicrous things come out of my mouth. allowing a chunk of time to vent is kind of liberating.

i no longer drive past that house.

thy presence my light.

empire

so are you telling me, that you would refuse to drink out of THIS cup? come on, it's so clean! don't harbour ill feelings towards it. it's not it's fault.

i was talking to melody on the phone earlier today about her upcoming wedding. i asked her if she's taking kevin's last name, and she said she decided that she would. i really like that, it's one of the most romantic things ever. it's the ultimate "i'm with him...." statement. my mom has kept my dad's last name, and i really like that. it reminds me that at one point they were together. it's an outward expression that they were once a unit. my mom sometimes comes across people who ask her (because of her last name) if she knows my dad, and i think that's funny. aside from us, their last name is the final tie that binds them, and although they've been apart for almost as long as they were married, there's no denying the mark they left on each others lives. both good and bad. beside s, it would be silly for her to go back to mckinnon because its so similar to mcknight anyway. if i haven't said it lately i wanna say how thankful i am that my parents get along so well. it's true, time really does heal all.

i've been listening to M.I.A. all day, and she has this song with lyrics that go: "london – quiet down i need to make a sound, new york – quiet down i need to make a sound, kingston – quiet down i need to make a sound, brazil – quiet down i need to make a sound." hahaha, i like to pretend she's talking about our kingston.

i really need to get moving. i'm having joanna and andrew & shannon over for dinner. and i think al's coming by around 4. i have a lot to do before then.

ciao my friends.

i fly like paper, get high like planes.

tizzy

ok, so i need someone to come with me to donate blood. i'm a frickin chicken, but want to move past my completely unreasonable reason for not wanting to give blood. that being "eww, icky". once i told a nurse that i don't like how it feels when they take blood because it feels like they're vacuuming it out of my veins. i had expected her to say "oh that's silly", but instead she seemed to confirm my apprehension. which i guess has contributed to my complacency. but i suppose i shouldn't blame the nurse, it's my weird phobia not hers. so on that note... do i have any takers? anyone want to come give blood with me??

thanks for giving me food, it was good and not gross at all. you are more than sometimes thoughtful. you are very thoughtful. i've missed you and i like that you're all hounding me to hang-out with you. how did you know my feet are a size 7 and i didn't know yours were a size 10!?!?

the banff film festival world tour is coming to k-town next saturday night. it's totally awesome and i look forward to it each year. if you've never been and you're free that night i strongly suggest attending. rhonda, isaac and i are going, and anyone is welcome to join us. it's 13 bux in advance or 15 bux at the door. it's usually a really great collection of short films, and a large number of them are of different extreme sports that involve a lot of crazy wipe-outs. like i said, it's totally awesome. there are also a lot of films about different cultures and nature. but obviously my favourites were the sporty ones. check this out!

i'm yours to keep if you want to.

heart it races

i love that melinda's invitation to come over and watch a movie turned into me watching her shop as i trailed behind. i especially love that i got to her house 45 minutes late. giving her a taste of her own medicine. HA! ya, sorry again about that.

i feel a little self-conscience for the very first time.

sometimes i don't check my voicemail messages because i know who they're from. unfortunately, there's one that i'm avoiding and it's blocking about another 4. i'm sorry if you've been trying to reach me and i haven't received your messages. although, people don't usually call me. i'm not a phone person.

i think i'm doing a really crappy job at not being negative. i need people to point it out to me, or hit me in the head or something. i have a habit of calling babies ugly. HAHAHAHAHA. i'm sorry, i'm sure that will really offend all you mom's out there. not all babies are ugly, just some. and well, i'm trying to learn to keep those comments to myself. they just come out of my mouth so darn easily, it's especially hard because i find it really FUNNY! i apologize for my demented sense of humour.

btw: your babies are not ugly, but instead are very handsome or beautiful (which ever applies).

i think i'll let you decide.

fill

this is my tea cup. i drink from it approximately 4 times a day at work. i clean it once or twice a year. actually, i bleach it. i know it's time to bleach it when the brown gunk comes off when i stir my tea with the spoon (which is also stained). the scary thing is, if that's what it does to my tea cup, i wonder what it's doing to my stomach. this may account for some of my 8 cavities.

do you think i say "like" a lot? i became keenly aware of it on my drive into work today, which is odd because i drive alone and don't even listen to the radio. regardless, i got wondering if i say "like" an exorbitant amount.

in the two weeks that i've owned an electric toothbrush i think i've become spoiled.

i'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours.

sticker

aw crap. i'm really thirsty. i've been craving some monks blend tea for over an hour. i haven't even boiled the water yet and it's almost 10:30. i guess i'll just have to drink some juice.

i wonder if i'll bother to finish my vacuuming or do my dishes tonight. i wanted to use my evening for doing chores, but i ended up doing silly girly things.

why do they come in twos? i only wanted one.

i used my rice cooker for the first time today. my mom gave it to me for christmas. i think i may have over cooked the rice, or perhaps just left it too long before eating it. i turned it on before i got on my elliptical for 35 minutes. yup, that's right! 35 minutes! i'm doing really good, i'm working out regularly and keep increasing my time. plus, i've been standing all day at work. yay! anyways, back to the rice cooker. so ya, over done. i also got a really good electric tooth brush for christmas (hurray! i might be able to salvage my remaining teeth!), the new stars cd and a copy of blue like jazz. i also got a bunch of dollar gifts that i'm very pleased with. and a pair of black knee sox ;)

i smiled a lot today.

i didn't sleep well last night. i had to fight the overwhelming urge to get up and wash my hair. it was very odd, i've never experienced a compulsion like that before.

people never seem to learn.

V8

i booked my flight to baffin today. i'm excited because i got it for 400 bux cheaper than the going rate last week! i leave march 25 and return april 5. that worked out nicely because i'll be there for beckie's birthday and it coincides with the living room off week. good good.

i went out for thai with melinda, irina and christopher for his birthday. christopher is so insane, it's great. i find him very amusing. he gets this hilarious look on his face when he's said something funny, it's like a repressed giggle. us girls ganged up on him until he agreed to grow sideburns, we've even given him a deadline of february 8th. after dinner we went around the corner to the goat. i really liked the renos, although it's lost a few of it's hobo charms.


i found an allergy pill in my shoe today. that's weird right?

i feel really on top of things today. i put salt on my icy walkway, and bought a new fire detector. it turns out mine has not been functioning for about 4 to 6 months. yikes. i was told last week that i'm a very responsible person. that surprised me, because i'm only doing stuff because they need to get done, but maybe that's what being responsible is. it was funny because the girls were saying that i'm a really goofy person so one would not expect me to be so responsible, and that it's kind of like a red herring. i'm a little flattered by that, it's nice to know that there's more to me than one would assume, and that it's a pleasant surprise.

oh the secrets i keep.

all the living are dead, and the dead are all living

oh thanks

it was nice to hear him say it. i know it doesn't make a difference, it won't change a single thing, but it still makes me feel better hearing someone say it.

i lost my recycling bin today. then later came home to find it inside already. these are the moments that make up my life. these are the articles i choose to share with the world outside these walls.

beckie left for the north today. the house feels empty in her absence. isn't it strange the way we can easily grow accustomed to something we like, and take forever to get used to something we hate? i feel like this should tell me something, but i'm not exactly sure what.

anyway, beck left, but that means the next time i get to see her it'll be when i'm there to visit! i'm getting really excited about it, i'll be pretty chilled and also get to do stuff like kite-boarding, camping, maybe take a trip to the artic circle. beckie is worried that it'll be a let down, but frig, any chance to NOT be at work, sleep-in and do some new things i'm happy.

i love that i can hear rhonda retell the same story to about 5 different people in one evening and still explode into giggles at the same point each time.

i, for one, am partial to having meaningless crushes. seriously not all crushes have to go somewhere. it's fun to have the equivalent of a school-girl crush.

is it lame that i'm excited to go to bed because it means i get to wake up and eat bran flakes?

o the blood and the treasure,
and then losing it all,
the time that we wasted,
and the place where we fall.
will we wake in the morning
and know what it was all for?

the minister's cat

i'm really into raisin bran lately. it's pretty awesome! and i think the raisin's are freakin huge!

i think it's really funny that i own the 1990 guinness book of world records.

have you ever been to despair.com? oh my goodness... frickin hilarious! they just crack me up. i wonder if you have to be an office worker used to seeing motivation posters all over the place to fully appreciate why them are so funny.

rhonda and i went to see juno tonight. it was a really good movie and a rather sweet tale.

i was going to delve into other stuff, but at the last minute decided not to. i suppose sometimes a person has to pick and choose what she says. i'm a little disappointed, but whatever.

i feel like the ice has broken and i'm working my way thru. i don't know what the final blow was that broke thru to the other side, but that doesn't matter. it's not like i can package it and sell it for profit.

whoa, i'm feeling a little ill from it being so darn late. nighty night!

sorry my posts have been so random lately. yikes!

stop now before it's too late.

raisin

i feel like a pre-teen gearing up for a teenage rebellion.
i can smell it coming.

we're both standing still looking up.

temporary battles
can take up half your life.

once

my holiday has come to an end. it's a shame. i love my winter holiday, i look forward to it all year. the time when i get to just relax at home and enjoy what i work so hard to have. it's not the returning to work part that stinks, it's the leaving home part. however, i think going out and being away from home is essential to fully appreciate it.

i feel re-energized today. i got my bathroom set-up and a drawer cleaned out. i was thinking about my bathroom, and realized that although i've been living on my own for over a year and a half it never occurred to me that i could put personal effects in my bathroom. i'm used to having a shared space so i always kept perfume or jewelry in my bedroom. it feels like something has snapped in my mind and i've finally realized "hey this is MY space! i can put things where ever i want!" i've heard that about couples when they separate, they don't realize they can hog the entire bed.

what would it take to convince you to share your secrets with me?

i'm a very "feelings" driven person. it feels silly to admit but if i get "a feeling" about something i tend to heed it. the problem is that sometimes it's nothing, but sometimes it really is something. i've been cautioned by feelings so many times that melinda ignore me or says "you always get feelings". but i have been right, and right about really critical things. a feeling that told me something i couldn't possibly know. people say that when you meet "the one" you just know. but honestly, that sounds like dumb luck more than anything else. i've thought every boyfriend i've had was the one. clearly my "feelings" can't be trusted.

today is going to be a better one.