phases

well i've got HALF my apartment cleaned. it's a start at least.

there are words unsaid between us. they hang there in the air like fireflies or a powerful odor, glaringly obvious. we choose to ignore them. it's better to not point it out. better to let sleeping dogs lie.

sometimes i wish i could pass on life lessons like we can pass on books or knitting needles. but it doesn't work that way. i wish i could bind-up the broken-hearted and make it all ok. but i can't. somethings people just have to live thru and only time will make it better. it's hard for me to watch, i want to spare them the heartache.

i wonder where you are and when you'll get here.

sometimes i wonder what it would be. i let my mind wander and deconstruct myself. i always feel like there's a stone still left unturned. that at any moment a secret skeleton will fall out of my closet, one i didn't know about. some secret cadaver that's been stinking up the place and would keep you away.

admittedly i'm a little bored with my life right now. i need some spice.

there's a dead end to my left,
there's a burning bush to my right.

on

so... i was thinking that i'd sew together this little winter jacket for the ram so that it won't get cold. in the meantime you could sow the mustard seeds, then fix the fence that you rammed into with the car...

i got a new computer a work today. i've known there was a new one on the way, and i can't say i was happy to hear this. i LOVE my computer at work. i would hug it if i could. true, it's not a mac, but i grow attached to my tools whether it's a blade, or a ruler, or a pc. i spent some time in the morning "packing" everything i needed in my external drive so that all i had to do was plug it into my new computer. the IT guys said they'd be back around 11:30, several hours went by. i became antsy, if i was going to get a new computer then i wanted to get it over with. finally at 3:30 they arrived. so far everything has gone smoothly, quicker than the last time my compy was upgraded. while we waited for it to install my adobe cs3 suite i nipped into the bathroom. i was anxious to get back to it, already i felt protective of my new machine, and i didn't like the idea of a stranger fiddling with it. i think that's a good sign that i'll adjust quickly.

it seemed windy enough after work today to fly my kite. walking across the street to the m centre my pirate ship quickly took flight and i tried to keep a tight rein of it so that it didn't reach the powerlines. unfortunately when i reached the park the wind had died down and there wasn't a strong breeze. it did take off for about 45 seconds, but not again. whenever i fly my kite i wish i was at least a foot taller. there's this large enclosed area that reminds me as a place where people store horses, i imagine them running around and throwing their heads back while neighing. anyway, i climbed it and sat very precariously on a very rough board about 5 feet off the ground. it seemed like a sliver waiting to happen. my legs dangled freely. honestly i was nervous that i'd fall, but tried to steady my centre of gravity. i sat for a while, calmly, quietly, holding my kite string. it's moments like that that are my favourites.

sometimes when i'm trying to be helpful i fear i only make things worse.

i'm weirded out. the world (or should i say kingston) is way too small.

i can lie to myself and say i like it,
but i would love it if you were here.

vine

i think my cat is in love with my shower curtain. and i don't mean that in a general kind of way. i mean it in a romantic way. every time i'm in the bathroom she comes in and immediately starts making out with the shower curtain. she starts licking it intensely and purring loudly. it's like i'm interrupting a private moment. i find it repugnant.

i need to find the courage. i need to get it done.

they say that 85% of the things we worry about never happen. that makes me worry that my worries will fall within the 15% success rate.

there are thoughts i'd wish i'd heard.

secretary

i lit my citronella candle for the first time this evening as i sat out front on my balcony. the flame rose quickly and wildly, at times reaching 5" in height. i watched it flicker and dance in the dark, i was both compelled and hypnotized. i couldn't look away because when i did i had one of those reverse imprints embedded on my eye. i sat there amazed by that little wick that created such a large flame, and how unpredictable it moved. amazing.

i wonder if i'll always feel like a little girl or if i'll eventually begin thinking of myself as a matured woman. i want that, and don't at the same time.

right now i'm duking it out all fisty cuffs with nature. it's a battle of wills. how hot will it get before i crack and dig out the fan. i don't like air-conditioning, i think it's gross. i like fans but after my first summer here, i received an obscene hydro bill from using fans, so i put the kibosh on that. since then i see how long i can last until it's unbearable, i try to come up with other coping mechanisms. i like a challenge. PLUS i love the heat, so i'm not about to complain. it's uncomfortable, but more pleasant than the cold. i don't even like a cool breeze, hence the reason i prefer the heat. that and it gives me an excuse to dress scandalously around the house.

sometimes i want to yell things from roof tops. i have this romantic notion that everything would be so much better if i could holler secrets from high places.

i've been living in silence lately. my usual self always has music playing. always. except for the last week or so, my house is silent. i like listening to the sounds of my home. it's calming, and oddly enough less time consuming.

i'm going to bed now. you are on a bus.

often i'm waiting on the one that maybe won't come.

you should go

phoenix

i will ever "not know" more than i "know".
we will never know more than we don't.

life is all about perceptions. my dad comes over and always comments "this male cat is so affectionate". i say "ya", when i really think pekoe's needy and always hassling me to be petted. i think he's WANTING affection, while my dad thinks he's GIVING affection.

buddy is in town and i had the pleasure of lunch (or a late breakfast rather) with him at the goat. we walked around the hood for a while, and watched the shortest parade we've ever seen. it's pride weekend in kingston, and the parade was roughly 50ft long. we stood at the corner of princess and clergy watching it, and as it passed we walked down to the goat to where my bike was and his car was parked. this meant we walked alongside the parade the entire way. we felt like we were stalking it, or sideline participants.

i'm a calculated person. just about everything i do is intentional. some of the things i SAY are accidental, but i never do anything mistakenly. sometimes it's exhausting being deliberate all the time, but it saves me from having regrets. i can mostly feel confident in my choices, even though i reserve the right to change my mind. because i'm such a calculated person it really bothers me when people tell me what to do. it aggravates me because i already intended to do such-and-such, and if i didn't it's because i decided not to (for good reason). sometimes i wish my word would be enough and people wouldn't always feel compelled to question me. those who know me best know that when i'm decided about something, i'm usually 100% sold. they know me to not be very flexible.

sometimes i wish people would stop thinking i'm completely free simply because i'm unattached. i'm not isolated, i'm actually not without people depending on me. i actually think i have more people depending on me because i'm not legally obligated to someone. when someone is married or has children, other people don't expect as much from them – because they're "very busy".

we can't decide to love someone – we love who we love. i guess we hate who we hate too.

it's been a quiet, warm weekend. it's been nice. a few times i've thought "i should call so-and-so" but i don't want to. if i did i'd do it. i'm intentional that way.

i'm circling around the sun,
hoping for a chance to see.

tango

sometimes it seems i do things just to torture myself. i'm a glutton for self-punishment.

she reminded me that the grass is always greenest where it's most often watered. how true that is.

i could unravel myself like a sweater. sometimes i feel tempted to challenge people to a duel to see who could deface me fastest. i take pride in my confidence that i would surely win. i know my faults more intimately than anyone else does. when i get a sense that someone thinks ill of me i find it laughable, and think to myself "you've got to be kidding me. you've only just begun to scratch the surface. i've got way worse ammo against myself than THAT. you have NO idea." – you know when you're overly confident when you think your better at being critical of yourself then anyone else. hahaha.

there are few simple pleasure that are better than beginning a new book. cracking open the first few pages of a hefty novel. i feel lost when i'm in-between books. i wish i'd picked up my next one this afternoon, i hope i make it thru the night :p

i should've stayed away. it rubs me the wrong way and leaves me feeling like i've been exfoliated with sandpaper. every damn time.

if you want to make God laugh, make a plan.

hint

the air outside is sweet with the scent of rain.

melinda and i went to see sex and the city tonight. i loved it. you know how those girls theoretically represent all types of women and we can all relate to one of them? well i concluded tonight that i'm a carrie bradshaw – for various reasons.

i realized that my freak-out this afternoon was no more than a minor disappointment manifesting itself as a crisis. once i discovered the true cause of my panic attack i felt much relieved. while at the same time feeling rather shallow.

i hold everything loosely. even my hearts greatest desire i'm still rather "hum-ho" about. i don't think i was always that way. over time i've learned to set my expectations low. i think that hurts me the most, realizing that i don't even feel eligible for high hopes. the only thing i've truly grown to expect was me falling on my face.

as i stood in my kitchen with his empty t-shirt in my hands, i couldn't resist smelling it. i don't think i've ever been close enough to smell him in real life, so i can't confirm if it actually smells like him or not.

sometimes i have to ask myself "is it really worth it?" when dealing with the people around me. my irish streak tries to persuade me to fight for my rights, when really in the long run it's probably easier to just go with the flow.

we'll just start our own convent – the sisters of sexy immi.

i'm afraid that my love is gonna come up short.

cerlox

tomorrow is caleb's third birthday. we all got together this evening to celebrate. it was a really fun time. strangely enough, i feel like caleb is only now recognizing me. i don't know what it was before, but it was as though he didn't know me or wasn't familiar with me, but he does now and we had loads of fun. he's also finally able to say my name, or at least close enough. i got to hold liam a lot tonight which was very enjoyable. joy was amazed at how comfortable he is with me (he usually cries when other people hold him or if joy's not in his line of vision), she kept saying "wow, liam really likes lesley". which makes me feel good :) i've really been enjoying my sister's kids lately. it's confirmed that i'd really like to have my own someday. not any day soon, but someday for sure.

joy and tim are buying a van and with that are mourning their youth. they got a nice van, but unfortunately no matter how great it is, it's still a van. and it's an automatic. they're disappointed to say good-bye to their crv. i remember back when they were in their early twenties and bought a deep-freeze. they felt so grown up and would rub it in my face that i wasn't a grown-up yet because i didn't own a deep-freeze. i still don't have one, but i wouldn't accept one for all the mini-vans in the world. life is peculiar the way we're always excited to grow up, and yet we dread growing older.

i read today that there are two different kinds of lies. 1) we lie to get what we want. 2) we lie to protect someone else from getting hurt. i lied to him for the very first time. it still kills me. i think my reason was a little of both, with a little bit of protecting myself thrown in there too. one thing i know for sure is that i never want to do it again. at least that means i learned something and probably won't make that mistake again.

there's a secret i've been keeping from you.
there's a secret i've been keeping for you.

omit

this morning i woke up feeling remarkably well rested. usually when this happens i know i've over-slept. so i rolled over and checked the clock. it was 6:23 – right on-time – my alarm didn't wake me because i forgot to arm it the night before. apparently my internal clock is getting finally used to this time-zone. lately it feels like time is on my side, or maybe i'm getting a better grasp of how long i take to do different tasks and am budgeting my time accordingly. i like it. it's like i have room to move instead of always being under the gun.

i discovered today that in iran a thumbs up means the same as giving someone the finger. this has obviously lead to misunderstandings.

this evening i went to see the stone angel at the screening room. it was good, yet sad. it made me think a lot about my parents growing old, it helped me decide that if i'm living alone in 20 years i'll invite one or both of them to live with me. that seems like a nice idea, and i think i'd enjoy that most of the time. i might invite them even if i have a house full of people – i'd just have other people to consider in that case. personally, i'd have no issue eventually moving into an old-folks home. i've always found something appealing about living in an institution. a lot of people try to tell me "oh lesley, it's not that great. you'll feel different about leaving your own home when you reach that point". and to them i say let me have my fantasy. don't squash it and instead give me something to dread.

all the clouds have silver linings.

peek-a-boo

732

i like to have my patio door to my balcony open whenever i'm at home. i leave the screen door open so the cats can come in and out at will. i also like the fluid feeling it creates between my house and the bigger world outside. it makes it all the same. large flies often fly in, but they fly out too. earlier this afternoon i walked into the kitchen to find the breeze flowing thru the open door to be much cooler than i'd like. for a brief moment the thought "it's never going to warm up" popped into my head. i resigned to accept the notion that summer was going to be skipped over this year and we'd live in a luke-warm state until fall. however, reality rebounded and reminded me that i just have to wait, and summer will be along shortly. even if i have to wait a little longer than i thought.

this is true in other elements of my life right now too. i'm finding myself immersed in personal tragedies of the people around me. it's disheartening and disillusioning. my mom tells me i'm a bleeding heart and that i have to learn to not take on the hurts of everyone around me. but it's so hard. i love these people. i love really easily, and it's impossible not sympathize with their plight. my heart goes out to those in crisis. but just like with summer, with enough time, they'll make it thru. and just because it feels like there's no end to the cold days, there is. we'll just wait it out together.

i remember several years ago standing in the kitchen of pirates cove talking with my friend andrew from high school. i said to him that i knew that change is certain, but i just couldn't see how change would come about. sitting here in this place now i can't see why my life would change down the road, but i know it will. even if i stay the same, the things around me won't. funnily enough not long after that conversation with andrew i started going to next. that was a major change. life altering. things change quickly. my job is to make the most of things now – which i think i AM doing. i think. i have a good life.

so i won't be dismayed or downcast. instead i'll play my bouncy music. i'll tidy this mess of an apartment. and relish the small things. and the big things that i take for granted – like this apartment and all that makes it messy.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.

suffocated

i'm just going to come out and say something that is probably really unpopular. but having a boyfriend or having children is not the purpose of one's life.

i'm saddened to discover that one of my friends has become yet another relationship causality. that her life, interests and friends are all now dead to her because she has a boyfriend. i'm not sure where this mentality comes from, but it's far too rampant in our society. people seem to believe that they spend their lives searching for "the one", and all their activities up until that point keep them occupied until that happens. however, in reality, having a partner is PART of our life journeys, but not the purpose for it. i wish we could all shake off this misconception, because it's horribly unhealthy. it puts way too much pressure on the spouse to make that person's life fulfilled.

marriage, relationships, and children are good, healthy and valuable. the problem is when they become the centre of people's existence. the alarm bell should go off when you look around and realize "if this person died today, i would have nothing". and i really mean nothing. that you have no friends, and no interests outside that person. i've been there. when my boyfriend left me back in 2004, i had nothing. nothing at all. thankfully i DID have the bare remnants of a friendship with melinda who willingly admitted me back into her life instead of holding a grudge against me (which would've been justified). i understand what it's like to love your partner more than life itself. i can imagine what it's like to love your child completely sacrificially. this is not the same thing as a relationship causality. we all need to maintain our identities outside those roles. people are not defined by being a wife or mother. those are elements of identities, but they are not the sum of all the parts.

do something just for you. have activities and experiences outside of that box. i can guarantee that you'll enjoy it, and it will probably improve that relationship. sometimes people think "if only i could spend more time with so-and-so, things will be ok" when really, we all just need some space to breathe.

p.s. this was not directed at anyone of you. my anonymous friend has never read pspd.

i feel like i'm watching you drown and it's killing me.

another one bites the dust.

everest

i always like bob saget. i admit, there was a time there when i went along with the crowd of saying he was lame, but i always found his cheesy jokes amusing.

i'm really sick. this may be one of the worst colds i've ever had. thankfully my sinus aren't bothering me. i called in this morning to say i wasn't coming into work, then went back to sleep until 2:30. sometimes when i'd stir i'd think "maybe i should get up" but i was just tired, and so so sick, so i stayed in bed. it was nice not having anything i needed to do.

i had plans with my dad for him to come over for dinner, he said he'd bring some minos, so didn't even have to make dinner. that was nice. it was fun, he brought some old photos from his childhood that my uncle sent him. i'd never seen pictures of him younger than 15 before. i saw pictures of my grandpa for the very first time. i was surprised to discover that he had blue eyes! everyone in my immediate family has dark hair and dark eyes, so i assumed that was a family trait. i asked him how my grandma died, and what his youngest memory is. my earliest memory is from when we lived in courtright, and he was surprised i could remember that because i was only 2 years old.

oh i feel so so sick. when i'm sick i'm a big baby. i like to whine and moan, i make silly jokes to myself and giggle at my ridiculous behaviour. i shuffle my feet when i walk and tend to stumble along on an angle. it's quite pathetic really, but i can justify my actions because it's just me and my moany-state doesn't coerce people into doing for me. being a whiney baby on these occasions brings me some joy.

i'm going to get into bed now and sleep in an upright position. my nose is raw.

make me a believer
the seas will part somehow

code

i just got home from seeing young @ heart at the screening room. i have to tell ya, it was fabulous. it made me laugh, grin, and admire their lovely lives. imagine being 92 and in a rock band? too awesome. i want to be a senior citizen misbehaving. those of you who go to next, do you remember when they played a video of an old man singing "fix you" by coldplay during the service? that was a clip from that movie. here's one of my favourite music videos by them. haha :D



there's a lot of things i look forward to doing as an old lady. i hope to own my own house and have a lavished garden. i want to go to matinees and socialize with lonely and isolated people. i'll listen to book tapes, and do crossword puzzles as mental exercises. i'll take up watercolour painting, and then eventually just fingerpainting. i think in many ways it's grand to grow old. i just hope i'm not crouchy, and that i don't grow a beard.

i seriously encourage all of you to go to the screening room to see it, if not rent it when it comes out. it's a beautiful tail of aging dynamically.

i'm feeling a little stressed and overwhelmed these days. i'm combating it strategically and by cutting out the unnecessary. i found myself wondering how and when my life became so busy and active. i suppose it was gradual.

you may say i'm a dreamer.

wallpaper

it's unbelievably beautiful out tonight. i just biked home from the erbs place and was stuck by how homey and inviting my balcony looks with it's twinkle lights strung along the awning. as i made dinner this evening i looked out the door to see a couple walking by who were looking up at my apartment. this happens quite often and i'm always startled thinking they're looking at me. they never are, i'm not even sure if they see me. the woman in this particular couple was smiling and said to the man "oh, i really like that" and gestured to my balcony. that made me grin and feel proud of my little abode.

i think i'm judgmental of her judgmentalism. i need to stop.

i got my bike all tuned up for the season the other day. i'd never greased the chain before, wow, it makes a remarkable difference. i love biking, it could be one of my favourite summer pass-times. i ride my tank of a mountain bike like a bmx, opting to peddle standing up instead of sitting. i'm surprised at my confidence on a bike considering my face has been banged up repeatedly from biking accidents – twice requiring stitches between my eyes.

i'm beyond grateful to be surrounded by like-minded people. i think i'm almost spoiled that way. my marriage creep-out has been somewhat appeased after spending an evening with jason and rachel. i suppose they reminded me that marriage is what you make of it, and it doesn't have to be like it seems on tv or the suburbs.

i am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.

gone

it's scary when you realize that you're a commitment phobe. it dawned on me that i'm totally afraid of marriage and that i purposely fall for emotionally unavailable men because i find it easier to love then accept love. i love loving. i hate the vulnerability of being on the receiving end. i always feel so tense that i'm going to somehow do something to cause the person to stop loving me. i guess i'm not confident in other people's ability to love unconditionally. i think the same can be said about friendships, but to a lesser extent. i love people in general really easily, and mostly without expecting anything in return. because expectations lead to disappointments.

i've heard it said many times that marriage is about compromise, but as an observer, it seems to me that there's always one partner that has to compromise more than the other. and that scares me. i've spent the last 4 years building who i am. learning about myself. and developing boldness and confidence in what i discovered about myself. i don't want to lose that. i don't even want to trade it, unless it's for keeps. i'm also disturbed by the notion of causing anyone else to change as well.

i'm 28 years old. it's been 4 years since my last serious-relationship. i'm an ex-relationship junkie, who until january 2004 had dated non-stop for 8 years. boyfriends were my hobby and the longest gap between them was 2 months, the others were more like 2 weeks. it goes without saying that a lot of damage was done during that period in my life. i regret putting so much time and effort into relationships with men who are no longer in my life, and letting my other friendships go. i'm the opposite now. with 4 years of relationship-sobriety under my belt, all of you (with the exception of melinda, melody, and buddy) know me as a single woman who never dates. that seems ironic. i'm very different than i once was, the years of healing have been good to me.

i've become less daring. slow to gamble. i have more at stake. i hope my guardedness won't instead trip me up.

you'll be loved like you never have known.

freshman

it's 3 am and nostalgia is hitting me intensely. it's this song, it's that photo. it could be both, but i'm so overwhelmed with affection that its making me sick to my stomach. sometimes that happens. my stomach is very sensitive. and my heart has the ability to love beyond the scope of my own comprehension. sometimes i hate that, but mostly i wouldn't trade it for the world. i should go to bed before i throw up. besides, i have to get up early to go hangout with optimus prime.

a little big

i find being alive very interesting.

sounding like an old fart, i said to joy & tim last night "everybody is in such a rush to grow-up these days". we laughed, and then i explained myself. i don't mean kids. i mean adults, everyone wants to have RIGHT NOW. people (and myself included) forget that there's time, we don't have to have it all right now. that's something i'm slowly starting to understand. there've been things that i didn't get to do, i had to wait several years for, and when i finally got to i was so pleased. partly because of the wait, and partly because i was ready for a new experience. it's good and comforting when i'm faced with disappointments to know i can create another opportunity down the road. for example, i didn't go on safari when i was in africa, that was disappointing at the time, but i know i'll get another chance. a lot of the time – like the safari – i'm later glad that i didn't go for the whole shebang because it means i get do it the next time. let's not rush. instead, let's pace ourselves.

per dawna's request, here's a photo of the paintings i did for my kitchen wall. (it's hard to tell, but this photo was taking on an angle, that's why they're getting progressively smaller)


i know i'm not being punished, but it really feels that way.

and we could keep sitting around,
watching the paint flake off the walls.
waiting for answers,
that are never gonna come.

vis-à-vis

i'm a bit of a daydreamer. at least i used to be. in my free time (or even in the middle of work or meetings) i zone out and fantasize about life. not sex fantasies, just life fantasies. daydreams. however, over time i've done this a little less often. i've grown jagged. i've come to think that if it's something i can imagine than that makes it immediately unlikely to actually happen. which is disappointing, because i only daydream about stuff i really want to have happen. but i suppose it makes sense that they don't come true. just like the chances of my cat jumping up onto my bed right..... NOW... is unlikely, and the fact that i'm imagining it makes me all the more aware that it's not happening. however, she's jumped up onto the chair beside me instead. interesting. i feel like there's a lesson in that, but i can't formulate the analogy. i'd say in my life-time of daydreaming, my pipe dreams have come true 2, maybe 3, times. and only in very small ways.

i was told once that where your thoughts drift to in the quiet moments is what your heart desires. i find that amazingly true, and not something you can fake. it's something worth putting thought into.

i wish that my wishes would come true. what do you wish for?

there's lots of gray shades,
but that don't make black the same as white.

lock

sometimes you've just got to throw your hands up in the air, and shake'em like you just don't care.

i was kind of disappointed at the very limited response i got to my last entry. it was a genuine question that i hoped my married friends could help me with, and my unwed friends too! rach sent me a solid email and gen posted a comment. i did manage to come up with some answers, but honestly, if you think of anything, please email me! i'm still interested in your insight, we're all alive, so i'm sure you've been affected by this in one way or another. in the meantime, this is what i've come up with...

ok, i think since married men already have a confidant, then they shouldn't need my friendship. and it would make me wonder what they want from me, even on a non-physical level. i would feel used to:
a) boost their ego (that perhaps they can still get attention from single women);
b) give them the illusion of freedom (even if just for an afternoon or drink at the goat);
c) give them a feeling in control of their lives (that they can pick & choose who they're friends with and are not bound by invisible limitations);
or) perhaps it's a jealousy thing (that the single girl is friends with his wife and he feels competitive with her and wants to be friends with the girl too).
and so therefore, i feel confident and justified in my sticking to my gut feeling. i won't be used by any man – intentionally or not.

do you have any idea how beautiful you are right now?

i don't need no
friends like these.

watermelon

sometime i wonder if there are enough words. i wonder if i'll run out.

it occurred to me, that i've been living in the maxi pad for over 2 years. this is the longest i've lived anywhere in ten years :)

i have a question for you. a somewhat touchy subject that people don't often talk about, i guess it never really comes up. guy friends. i don't have any (except for david), and upon further contemplation i don't want any either, at least not any who are occupied. in reality i guess i do have guy friends, but they're guys i'm friends with because they're married to my friends. jase and paul are two examples of this. they're great guys with whom i've enjoy great conversation, i like them both a lot. this being said, i've never hung-out with them without rach or sarah, nor do i want to. if they called me up and were all like "hey les, wanna go to the goat with me for a cup of tea" i'd be weirded out and would come up with some excuse not to. for some reason it feels inappropriate to spend time alone with married man and i can't pin down a reason why. i know these men and trust them immensely, i know nothing questionable would happen as a result of a visit to the goat. i also trust myself, and yet i wouldn't want to hang-out with them in that fashion. can someone explain to me why that is? for some reason i feel things would be different if i was in relationship, i almost hope that is true because i really miss having guy friends. and i hope some day to have some again. it's really confusing and i've been racking my brain all day to come up with an explanation. i know it's possible to be platonic friends with a guy; frank and i are good friends, we've had many long talks and we've shared significant stories from our lives. but i suppose being friends at work is different to spending free time together. it's not a matter of me feeling uncomfortable because of social taboos, or being sensitive to wives or partners, i simply don't want to be close friends with attached men. i think it's different when you've been friends for a long time beforehand, but even then things change. what do you think?

often when i think i'm ready, i realize later that i wasn't ready at all.

i think she's fighting an internal struggle and it's coming out as a prudish exterior. i want to say to her "it's ok! those were just thoughts, thoughts you didn't entertain. you don't have to hide, no one's going to like you any less because of it".

i'm glad my subconscious is all my own. it's mine, i possess it, it doesn't possess me.

just one glimpse can change your life.

asylum

i've planted my sophomore garden. it's so fun and exciting! i'm so fortunate that i have the enclosed back porch, because i was able to do my gardening back there this morning since the weather outside was on the chilly side. there's dirt everywhere, and i haven't bothered to clean it up yet, it's nice having that luxury. i'm very pleased with how my garden looks. i've planted several pots of mixed flowers, some garden boxes of herbs (chives, cliantro, basil, dill, rosemary, mint, and parsley), and one big pot with a cherry-tomato plant. i just need to label them all with popsicle sticks and i'm done. yay! it looks great! although, some of the pots look a little bare, but i keep reminding myself that the plants will grow and fill the space up nicely.

i had such a great victoria day. melinda was over last night and we watched a couple movies on my new dvd player. she left at about 2 am, then i slept until about 10:30 when i got up to plant my garden. i putsied most of the day listening to the cbc. i read for a while, and made myself a casserole late afternoon.

i also finished my "around the world" painting series. completed the last one today, and i now have all 4 up in the kitchen, they look great too. i'm very pleased. this boosts my confidence with painting and i'm excited about doing more. i have a large canvas in my bathroom that's just been waiting to be worked on, i've got to hash out that idea a little more, but i think it's going to be a goldfish of some kind.

this evening i did some knitting and watch van helsing on the space network. it was my very last choice of viewing, but nothing else was on. it was ok, it got me thinking about this massive portion of movies i've been missing out on (guy movies) and i think i should watch some from time to time to be more well-rounded. i'm excited about having a dvd player, it means i can have friends over for movies and such.

ah, life is grand. i've been told before that i live a very charmed life. on days like this it definitely feels that way.

ring my bell.

arbitrary

i can't get over how much my cats like being outside on my balcony. even when it's raining they are pawing to get out. yesterday i was outside sanding my kitchen table in a hailstorm. the top needs to be re-finished. i have to admit, i felt pretty proud of myself. i'm a tough broad who not only uses power-tools, i own them too! those are my work-overalls, i wear them when i'm working on stuff. tomorrow, for example, i'll wear them while i plant my garden! (nice segue huh?) i'm very excited about my garden. i was trying to remember what inspired me to get into gardening, and i can't recall. but i suppose it's one of those things that i love it so much that it seems completely normal and an obvious thing to do.

i played Wii at the butler's place last night for the first time. it was pretty fun! paul and i played tennis, baseball, bowling, and i think something else but i can't remember. it would be fun to take up real tennis as a fun hobby. i need a tennis partner though. hm. anyone want to hit the ball around with me a little? usually i'm more interested in how many times i can get it over the net consecutively than an actual score. this should be noted before anyone signs up to play with me.

i wonder what it would be like to write a memoir. what does it take to make a good story, is it exciting content or interesting writing style. i got thinking about her, and how sad her life has been, and yet she doesn't seem despondent. i marvel at how she's overcome, and it reminds me of how good i've had it. i'm guilty of overlooking great blessings in my own life, not noticing their wonder, i've lost my sense of awe in many ways.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should purge my life a little. i don't need a lot of stuff to survive. at least i shouldn't. whenever i'm away (like i was in montreal or iqaluit), without any access to a computer my life feels so much less cluttered and it seems like i have more time. i don't know if that necessarily means i need to get rid of everything i have, it just means i need to be a better steward with it, and not buy more stuff if i don't need to. i bought some earrings yesterday that i could've done without, and i kind of wish i didn't buy them. hmph, oh well, may this be a lesson to me. may it be the last.

these hands like strangers in the wind,
these eyes float in the breeze.

gung-ho

i've concluded that i'm quite a literal person. if something is supposed to start at a certain time, i expect it to. before my first visit to next, someone told me that it never starts on time. i take that literary, and am, therefore, never on time. man, i can't think of any examples other than time related ones, but i'm sure i'm quite literal. more than many at least.

do you ever wonder about yourself in 10 years? lately i've been wondering what hobbies i'll be into, or new things i'll take a liking to. i wonder if i'll take up jogging, or find the courage to help homeless people. it's all so very interesting. this game of life.

i live in fear of becoming extremely self-centred. i've heard many times that excessive time alone makes a person selfish. i've been trying to combat that concept, at times i fail miserably, other times i put others first then later reward myself with something just for me. i find it hard to get it right. in so many ways, there's no one else looking out for me. i have to watch my own back, and it's a matter of survival. as morbid as it seems, at the end of the day, i think everybody dies by himself, so we've all just got to look out for ourselves. i hate that because it feels like that completely contradicts my faith. but even so, i think we're all individuals living in community. we can share in other peoples joys and woes, but ultimately they're all our own. i dunno, it's kind of messed-up in my head, i'm still just trying to figure it all out. i'm just scared i'm going to let people down until i've got my crap together. i'm sorry if i do. i'm just one girl, trying her best to juggle it all.

do you ever wish you could read someone else's diary? hm, i guess that's kind of what you're doing when you read pspd. hm. well anyways, i'm reading blue like jazz (i think i mentioned that before but i can't remember). i really like how he just talks about his life. random things, personal things, real things. sometimes when i'm reading it (and giggling about something he wrote) i think i could read books like this all the time! like someone else's diary!

do you ever think being a guy would be so much easier?

was it more than attraction and a physical lust?

conundrum

we had the hatch folding party tonight. i really like hanging out with that crew of people. they're good people. they're fun. this issue looks awesome because it got professionally printed. snazzy.

when i was in montreal i seriously considered getting a caricature done. i've never got one done before and i thought it would be fun. i was on the verge, and then i realized that it would get seriously damaged on the trip home, so there was no point. i had no place to put it. this got me wondering tho... what feature would a caricaturist choose to emphasize? after MUCH thought (i'm seriously mean several days), i concluded my cheek bones and maybe my chin. when i was a pre-teen i was obsessed with brian mulroney, because we both had big chins. to this day, at the mention of mr. mulroney, my mom'll say "oh les... it's your friend!" i even made a hand-puppet of him.

i had my sister over last night. it was great. i'd never had her over before as a friend. i'm really glad i did. i was struck by how alike we are, i'm usually too distracted by our differences to notice. it shouldn't surprise me really, we're cut from the same cloth. she's left and i'm right. she brought mister liam with her. i got to hold him for a long time while he slept. at one point i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as i held him, i'm always surprised by how young and small i look when holding a baby. i liked it when he'd breath on my neck while he lay on my chest. he's very sweet.

you could be handing love to me,
but i was far away.

bondage

i just want to say that bad things happen to good people.

and that i'm very sorry.

yes, no, maybe is all i need to hear from you.

tetris

"Do you ever feel like all that you offer people and all that they see and taste of you, all that they think you are is really only a pretty disguise for what lies hidden underneath? That everyone thinks you are so much better than you really are? I do."

rachel erb, may 2008

i was thinking about something very similar to this earlier today. then i read rachel's entry and was pleasantly surprised and kind of relieved to discover someone else thinks the same way.

i once knew a man who could lite a match with one hand. i thought he was so cool. he oozed cool. i wonder about the people i think are cool, i'm sure they'd most likely disagree with me. i wonder who'd be more right – me or them. i wonder if perhaps who we are is equally defined by the perceptions of those around us, instead of by ourselves alone. sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

i think there's a difference between being "hot" and being "sexy". if i had it my way, i'd much prefer to be considered sexy. same goes for my taste in men. being sexy is like being cool, it's generally concealed from the person in question.

i was told today that up to 100 people die annually from incidents involving their crocks getting caught in escalators.

this morning i got in my car to discover i'd left my lights on all night and my battery was dead. it sucked. thankfully my good friend melissa lent me her car to get to and from work. i'd never boosted a car battery by myself before. it was kind of cumbersome. i had to open my car hood, then her car hood, then i had to turn on her engine, then my engine, then i had to unhook everything and put down each hood. kind of cumbersome, but i managed. i drove my batmobile around for a while to charge up the battery before i drove melissa's car back to her place. i'm hoping it was enough to get me started tomorrow. it was kind of nice strolling down to bagot street in the morning – aside from the crappy circumstances.

make me a believer,
the seas will part somehow.

bonaventure

j'aime montréal!

i'm home and had a totally awesome time!! i totally love montreal! now i understand why everyone goes on about how great it is, and i no longer have to feel resentful about being out of the loop! i love montreal and i think it loves me too! i ended up staying one extra night because by a crazy fluke chance i discovered that one of my favourite bands was performing saturday night at the time to laugh comedy club and i KNEW that was my only chance to see them so i HAD to take advantage of it or else live the rest of my life regretting it.

i was a busy girl, and crammed a lot into 6 days & 5 nights.

things i did in montréal:
tuesday: arrived, got settled in hotel, walked up rue sainte-catherine, rode the metro just for fun.
wednesday: went to work, visited holocaust museum, toured museum of contemporary art, had fancy dinner on rue crescent.
thursday: went to work, attended cuban exhibition at museum of fine art, walked around old montreal.
friday: worked half-day, took AMT train down to central station, strolled streets of old montreal (saw habitat 67, city hall), hung out in place jacques-cartier, knitted in park, checked into hostel, took city bus up mount royal, had dinner with michel in the plateau.
saturday: slept in, saw permanent exhibition at museum of fine art, walked to rue saint-laurent, took a trip to the biodome, went up olympic stadium, attended cut copy concert(!!).

things i ate in montréal:
• cafeteria food at the huge bbd aerospace plant
• salmon at an italian restuarant
• a cajun chicken montreal bagel (sandwich)
• heart of palm
• roasted quail
• biscotti
• other things unworthy of mention

things i thought about in montréal:
• that i'm kind of glad that i waited until 28 for my first trip to montreal. the timing was perfect and so was the opportunity.
• that i felt like i was really living. it wasn't just montreal, it was that i was doing something different, branching out and expanding. i lived so many years with my life on pause, i feel like i'm actually living after spending all my life in still mode.
• forbidden fruit.
• whether i looked like a local or like an obvious tourist (when i wore my knapsack it was much more apparent).
• there isn't time to go into everything. perhaps a few things will come out in the coming days, other things will be left for one-on-one conversations.

you can see all 50 of my photos by clicking right here.

i wish i had some decent food preprepared in my kitchen. i'm feeling a need to raid a refrigerator.

with hearts on fire i reach out to you tonight.

acorn

andrew and shannon hosted a cinco de mayo party in skeleton party this evening. it was really fun! we had mexican food and a boom box blaring salsa music. set up across the park was a guy doing some slacklining, and welcomed us all to try it out. i'm so proud of all of us for being so brave and making it across! my favourite part of the party was the piñata – i loved that we were a group of 20 & 30 somethings taking turns wacking a dinosaur piñata while blind-folded. it was so awesome!!

i leave for montreal after work tomorrow. i'm very excited. i'll be gone for 5 days and get home saturday evening. i'll spend 3 nights at the fairmont queen elizabeth hotel – which i think is the most fancy hotel in the city, and most likely the most expensive hotel i'll stay at in my LIFE! i'll check-out from there on friday and walk down the street to check-in at a hostel where i'll sleep on a bunk-bed in a dormitory. haha. i LOVE that. i'm so stoked. my friend michel (my co-worker in montreal) has offered to give me suggestions on things to do, but first asked me what kind of things i like. i told him i like art and that i want to go up the mountain. if i can think of anything else then i'm suppose to let him know. do any of YOU have suggestions that i can ask michel about??? please comment them to me asap :) this is my very first time to montreal (if you don't count the time melinda and i got lost driving thru to p.e.i. at 2 am last summer).

well my house is a mess and i haven't packed yet. i had a friend in crisis after the cinco de mayo party, and only just arrived home again. so i'd better get cracking, i'd like to be in bed at a good time. i don't want to be sleepy on my business trip. i'm going to get trained on how to make updates and changes to the new bbd website that's being launched in a couple weeks.

i also enjoyed when matt smashed open a coconut with the hammer i brought to the party :)

i read this excerpt in my book this afternoon and it made me go "hmmm". i thought it was a great synopsis, faith does not equal blind faith. faith does not mean having no questions, nor do questions equal serious doubt. questions lead to more understanding. "as often as i feel certain that God exists, i feel as often at a loss to say what difference it makes – that he exists, – or even: that to believe in God, in which i do, raises more questions than it presents answers. thus, when i am feeling my most faithful, i also feel full of a few hard questions that i would like to put to God – i mean, critical questions of the how-can-he, how-could-he, how-dare-you variety."

the pleasure part,
the afterthought,
the missing stone in the graveyard.

intimacy

it times i've wondered, and been questioned by others, about whether i would've been religious if i didn't come from a religious family. would i have bothered to "find God" as an adult. i think this is a good question, and something important for me to reflect upon. many times i've thought about the fact that yes, i did grow up in a religious family, so christianity was pretty much given to me, but even though i made the decision as a child to follow jesus, i make the same decision every day as an adult. i feel sure that yes i would still be a religious adult even if i'd grown up in a non-religious home. i've faced many obstacles in my life, endured many storms and found the rock is slippery when wet. i can understand those around me who've stopped trying, and those who taken hold of something different all together. sometimes i find myself wondering why i hold on, especially when it seems so many have jumped ship. but i have to be true to myself, and in spite the fact that it's not fashionable these days to claim christ as my saviour, i do and my spirit is awakened by him. unfortunately, this does not answer all the other major questions of the philosopher's mind. why am i here? is there a point to any of this? why is there suffering? am i on the right track or have i somehow screwed everything up? these are difficult things for me to live with and not know the answers to.

last night i went square dancing on wolfe island with a bunch of girls. it was fun, i haven't square danced since camp when i was 12 or 13. although, i didn't particularly like holding hands with strangers; some peoples hands were clammy and other people's hands were scruffy. my allergies have been dreadful and my nose keeps running so i felt bad about wiping my nose then swinging my partner. being over on the island always gets me excited about my plans to move there. it won't be for a couple more years – i'm not ready to leave the max pad yet – but the island just has such a different atmosphere, and i'm thrilled about living someplace different. it's cool that it won't involve me up heaving my whole life. it's gonna be awesome :)

i've got to tell you, i HATE it when good books are made into mediocre movies. they just shouldn't bother if they're going to do such a terrible job of converting it onto a film. it turns out that simon birch was based on a prayer for owen meany. although it said at the beginning "suggested by...." instead of "based on". i guess john irving felt it was a poor representation of his book so he refused to let them use the character names or title. good for him. you know what i love about books? that they're weird, complex, and don't always have happy endings. i'm growing tired of predictable movies that always involve the lousy baseball game winning the series, or romantic comedy's that you can pick out from the beginning who's going to fall in love, but obviously only after some ridiculous misunderstanding. or the bad guy to has a change of heart and turns into a real softy. i'm getting so tired of these films, they're such a bad representation of real life. i suppose there are some people out there who need these pick-me-ups, who want a escape from real-life, but i just need something a little less predictable than that.

we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.

standard

what most makes me realize that i'm an adult is when experiences make full circle. i know how to brace myself because i've been thru it before, or something like it. there's a lot of talk about recession going around. well... not in my social circles or anything, but on the cbc with daily occurrence. at this point, i understand what that entails. when i hear of layoffs in the hundreds, i know what that's like. we are fortunate enough that it'll pass, we've just got to sit tight until it does.

i've thought a lot about the temporary. every time i hit a rough patch i remind myself that "this too shall pass" and it always does. unfortunately that works the other way around too. i have little faith in permanency. i both fear and crave it. i think it must be somehow related to being a child of divorce. although, i'm hesitant to "blame" my "broken home", it's a reality and something that has enviably moulded me and my outlook. but i digress... nowadays, i take solace in the fact that things are changing, have changed and will change. i suggest you take note of that and make the most of what you've got. because even rainy days have their redeeming qualities.

baby slow down,
the end is not as fun as the start.

tutelage

• that one's for you.

• it left me winded. as though i'd received a heavy blow to the chest. i sat there trying to catch my breath while my mind struggled to grasp what had just happened.

• he wants a shoe-horn. i guess he's just a shoe-horny kind of guy.

• your house is the distance of a thin white duke song away from my house.

• i'm happy to have you back home from your trip to your native land.

• he asked me "since when have you had glasses?" "1994" i told him.

• if i was a masters student, i'd do my thesis on suburban living.

• she wears a vagina on her chest. i think that trumps a heart on a sleeve.

• it rammed me hard in the shoulder. i knew at the time that it would leave a bruise and now i can't remember what it was.

• i roasted an acorn squash for dinner tonight. that is most unlike me.

• i never expected to have a job that was particularly noteworthy. and yet, with quite regularity, i get people gawking at me in awe when i tell them what i do. i feels pretty darn good.

• i pieced it together. you're at spring camp. i didn't clue in until i saw it on facebook two days later.

• you're weird. i think that's why we're friends.

• i told her i really like "fruit-to-go" snacks. she said "i just like fruit". i don't think she was listening to what i was saying.

• sometimes i forget.

• i like doing telephone surveys.

• sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have your life. i wonder if you ever wonder what it's like having MY life.

• she has rats. and i don't mean as pets.

• my eyes watered so much as a result of my allergies that it washed my make-up away completely.

wish and love are not the same thing.

esquire

wha-oh. SOMEBODY's a night-owl and is starting to wake up. but alas, i need to finish this entry then get ready for bed.

i've concluded something about myself. i'm a bit of a social flirt. i'm sure we've all met those guys (or girls) who are very flirtatious and accidentally mislead us into thinking there's a mutual attraction going on. WELL, i think i'm kind of like that but socially instead of romantically. i'm a friendly person who has genuine interest in pretty much everyone i know. i could probe just about anyone with questions about their lives and families for hours. however, this can/has given people the impression that i'd like to be their friends. which is a shame really and i feel terrible about it. like the poor guy (or girl) who gets labeled as a jerk because he's unintentionally lead someone on. i like people and i enjoy making new friends, i just need to make more of an effort to keep up my older/long-standing friendships and not let them fall to the wayside in exchange of new friends.

sometimes it feels like she's an anti-semitic jew. she's the equivalent of someone who hates her own race. it leaves me speechless.

i've been thinking a lot about the subconscious lately. partly because i'm trying to decipher what my heart is ACTUALLY telling me and partly because i've been amazed at the kind of stuff that's appearing in my dreams. yesterday i heard a story on the cbc, then dreamt about it all night long. i don't think i realized at the time what an impact it had had on me. i wonder what my subconscious would be like if it was completely, 100% undiluted by the things around me. how would i feel about life issues, world issues, the new unisex bathrooms at the goat, without pre-imposed opinions of others. i suppose i'll never truly know, but maybe i should focus more of my time on composting the waste in my brain and discovering what's left.

they all get put in little boxes,
and they all come out the same.

carpool

there is no moral to my story. there's no lesson to learn or subliminal messages to decipher.

lately i've been finding that i wish i had black hair. all the surprising beauties seem to have black hair. raven-hair seems so much more exotic and mysterious than what i've got.

in tonight's episode of "lesley goes to the movies" i saw the band's visit. it was the quirky tale of an egyptian police band who goes to play in israel (and get lost). it had a black-haired woman in it, which is perhaps partly why i'm lamenting my bland brown. i realize i could colour my hair but it's just not the same, my hair doesn't have enough body to make the right impact.

somebody's cat was barfing a lot in the night. it made me not want to get up this morning for fear of stepping in it. that's it, i blame her. it's the cat's fault that i was late for work this morning :p

i'm putting together the pieces, which is difficult because some of them are missing.

you guys don't seem as compelled to comment as much as before. that's interesting to me. especially since several of you will comment to me in real life or via email. hmm. interesting indeed.

p.s. i am a bad person

it seems farther than ever before.

intrinsic

it's much easier to call a spade a spade in hindsight.

i just got home from melody's wedding an hour or so ago. i had a really nice time and hung out with a lot of really nice and interesting people. it worked out pretty good. melody seated me with some fun people – we were table number 12 ripping up the dance floor. oOOH YAa. it's really not that tough going to weddings alone, there's always people to talk to, and i felt very included. i'm thinking about making a point of ALWAYS going to weddings alone, much better that than taking an escort who's bored out of his skull.

it was fun to be all gussied up even though i was virtually invisible and there were no dashing men to compliment me on how ravishing i looked. but who cares! i felt good about myself and that's worth more than the admiration of a thousand men.

it turned out that mel's friend offered me her couch, so i crashed there with several of her highschool friends. that saved me a chunk of money which helps make up for the car repair. btw i don't think it's leaking anymore, it ran pretty well today, and only cost 32 bux to fill up which ain't too shabby.

allergy season is hitting me early this year, it's less than ideal and my allergy pills aren't doing the trick like they did last year. i'll just stick it out, it'll be ok. it should only last until june.

feet on ground,
heart in hand,
facing forward,
be yourself.

latin

hope is deceptive. among other things.

i wish i had something more concrete than the passions of my heart. pools that have undetermined depths, they may be unexpectedly shallow.

i have some stuff on my mind but i know better than to speak them. i'm only half-convinced of them myself and not willing to hazard the chance of sounding like a fool. i kind of wish i had a chunk of time in solitary confinement to hash thru it all. perhaps it's better that i can't.

in other news... i was flipping my way thru a rail magazine today at work, and this photo caught my eye:
any guesses who that is? i was so shocked when i saw it! i've never been in a magazine before. even if it's just the back of me and hardly anyone will recognize me. it's so neat! i feel (almost) famous!

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more.

motorcycle

i would sign up right now and i'd have no qualms about it.

this morning i woke up feeling totally and completely well rested. better than i've been in... who knows how long. i credit this to getting adequate hours of sleep, what a concept! i'm going to try to do that EVERY night, and make short nights a rarity.

i've been reading "a prayer for owen meany" at sarah's strong recommendation. i've been enjoying it quite a lot. yesterday i read this excerpt and it made laugh because i'm guilty of his point completely: "it is occasionally necessary for me to tell torontonians of the presence of the atlantic and pacific oceans; they tend to think of the great lakes as the waters of the world".

on tonight's episode of "lesley's night at the movies" i saw caramel. i quite liked it. i didn't realize that beirut had such a french presence, and so catholic! very surprising. there was one scene in particular i found quite heartwarming, i'd rate it up there on my list of movie moments.

i don't know if i'm a lady enough or not, but i'm wearing a shoulder bag and i'm loving every minute it!

WELL, it's almost bedtime. i should go now.

i'm an engine driver on a long run.

phantom

my eyes looked tired today. i'm phobic that i have perma-bags under my eyes and that they're a telltale sign that i'm getting older. however, even though that may be true to some extent, i realized they were prominent today because i'm tired. i was so dosey that i got into my pjs immediately when i arrived home and slipped into bed until 7:30. it was good.

i was surprised to hear she's going to the circus tomorrow. where IS this circus i wonder...

there are the occasional people who seems incapable of reading social cues. they seem to slip by undetected. that can make interactions very difficult.

i have a sneaking suspicion that my car is still leaking petrol. if so... that is the SECOND time since my car shop changed hands that they didn't fix it properly. i'm kind of mad, and i intend to demand my money back if it's found to have a puddle underneath it tomorrow. frank said i should be able to tell by looking at it if it's a newer tank. it doesn't look like one to me.

i think my subconscious has more of a say than i realize.

you can tell me everything i wouldn't care,
you know that i'll always be there.
right by your side no matter what.
consciously endure,
every ache and sore.

5ive

my life's a dark comedy.

my mom always told me to go with my first hunch. that was how she made decisions, like which shoes to buy at biway. sometime that makes good sense, but in other situations it's not the wisest. i wish i had in this case, it would've saved me a lot of time, i just ended up at square one anyways.

hatch is nearly done. i like that people are eagerly anticipating it. it makes all the work we put into it worthwhile.

mayelin got a new job at st. mary's of the lake hospital. it was very sudden: told me on thursday at lunch about the possible job, thursday afternoon was called about interview, went for interview on friday morning, began new job on monday. so now i have no friends at work. i miss mayelin, but it's fine, it just means i read at lunch instead which i really enjoy. now that the weather is nice, i've started walking again which is lovely! probably my favourite part of the work day – it's like recess!

i filled the holes in my wall with toothpaste. minty fresh.

so glad to be back home.

vacant

i woke at 4:22 in the morning after a very interesting dream, even though i was falling over in exhaustion i knew i'd better write that one down. this evening i re-read what i'd written and it made me laugh. not only was it an extremely peculiar dream, i'd also jotted it down in a very entertaining way. it cracked me up. i like "sleepy-stupor lesley", she's really funny.

i found it hard to follow the man in our mandatory pension plan presentation today. pensions are a very foreign concept to me, and i don't fully understand them. i know it has to do with money when you're old. as i sat in the front row (because all the other seats were taken) i grew increasingly drowsy and i wondered if "retired lesley" will be annoyed at "sleepy-stupor lesley" for not paying better attention in the pension meeting. well i suppose i'll just have to close my eyes and pin the tail on the donkey, then live with the results. here's hoping that "old lady lesley" will remember what it was like to be "bachelorette lesley" and forgive me if i make a bad decision. right now it feels like i'm trying to figure out which plan has less loopholes, then i'll pick that one.

i wonder if i'm enough of a "lady" to be able to pull off the shoulder bag. hmm.

will i be strong enough to live without?

visceral

i'm so close to finishing hatch that i can almost taste it, but i know it's in my best interest to just leave it for tomorrow and begin my going to bed routine.

i'm so excited about this summer. i love the summer, it's a fantastic time of year. i've decided that as a special treat, i'm going to take myself to the screening room once a week until the fall. i did that several summers ago, because i used to volunteer there. i got thinking about how super it was to ride my bike down there in the heat and bike home in the cool dark, and to watch random foreign films in the front row by myself. i'm looking forward to it, and if all goes well, i'll be able to start this week. believe it or not, the hardest part about this new activity is making the time for me. it'll be hard to commit to it when i don't have to consider anyone else, it's easier to compromise my own plans if something else comes up. but i really want to do this, so i hope it works out. selecting the films will also be hard, i've discovered that movies at the screening room are a bit of a crap-shoot. sometimes they're fantastic and other times they suck. i hope i don't waste many visits on crappy movies.

i've also decided to window-shop at EVERY store on princess street (starting at barrie). to basically go in, look around then leave again. i realize that's weird, but i haven't been in most of the stores down there, and well... it's something worth exploring. not quite sure how long it'll take to check out roughly 50+ shops, so i think i'll have to use two saturdays – you know, pan down each side of the street on separate days. i think i'll spend the rest of my days doing peculiar, nonsensical things just for kicks.

every time i blink i have a tiny dream.

copper

this afternoon i took a stained-glass making class. it was really neat! at first it was really hard, i'm not really strong enough to make a good cut into the glass and i was thinking "man, i suck at this". but i got the hang of it, and really it didn't matter because you use a machine to smooth it out anyway. i made a butterfly. i really like it. i'd never used a sauder gun before, it was pretty cool.

i was surprised by my fellow classmates. they were all above 50 and most of them were men. i really didn't expect that at all. i'm not sure what's typical, maybe it was just my group. everyone was really friendly, although they liked to make jokes about birds and tools. i'm not really used to sexual jokes from seniors.

one of the men told me i should settle down soon. i let it bounce right off me, i'm getting used to comments like that and know i face a lifetime of hearing it. i don't really mind anymore. i think i've mourned and have moved on, now i know that i'm different, and i'm happy to be so. however, his comment got me thinking about people "settling down" because it's "time". it seems like such a bizarre concept. no one should "settle down" because they're "supposed to". that's really sad! where did these rules come from!?!? who has the right to impose a scheduled timeline onto someone ELSE'S life! several years ago, i took advantage of sleeping in on saturdays until 2 or 3 pm. this was generally frowned upon by just about everyone i knew, although melinda was pretty understanding about it, it just inconvenienced her as my housemate. but i don't do that anymore, i've grown out of that stage, but i'm so glad that i had that chance. my point is, i don't think people should be forced to be a certain way just because that's the norm (when i say this, i obviously am not referring to morality or parenting).

yikes! look at the time, terrence and helen are going to be here in 45 minutes and i need to clean my house.

i am thirty-two flavors and then some.

spector

as i lay on my balcony floor this afternoon, i wore a halter top and jeans. it was warm, with minimal breeze. it's funny to think that less than two weeks ago i was stranded in nunavut because of a snow storm. life is bizarre, and i love it :)

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl.

placebo

i'm a good investigator, and i get a little thrill when i put the pieces together correctly.

i had to get a new gas tank in the batmobile today. ugh. i seriously considered just riding it out with the existing one, but decided it was worth replacing even just for the peace of mind.

sometimes i'm amazed.

the price of gas keeps on rising.

some robots came by excitedly, leaving five hamsters quietly jumping

my first night of jotting down my dreams was very interesting. i had at least 4 different dreams – all still quite clear in my mind when i woke up to go to pee at 5 am, but they began to vanish within seconds so i had to quickly write them down.

i was informed today that i get to go on a business trip to montreal in may. i'm very excited because i've been wanting to go to there, and i was determined this was the year to do it. i leave on a tuesday, and my business there concludes on the friday, but i've decided to stay in a hostel that night and come home late saturday night. how exciting, a 4 day trip to montreal AND my first time staying in a hostel. i'm loving this year of doing things i've never done before. what a fantastic idea that was!

i've reopened my balcony for business. i got my green camper chair set up out there, my little rug, and my pots in place. this was also the day i decided to let the cats out there for the first time. it's such an awesome space, it's seriously my favourite place to be. standing out on my huge balcony was a bizarre sensation because it feels like i'm some place i've been absent from for a long time, and yet it's my house! where i've been pretty much every day for the last two years!

i have this problem where i can't open my tea-ball. it's stuck or too tight or too damp, and i can't twist it open. it's very frustrating because i badly needed a cup of monks blend this evening, and was forced to make it in a small teapot and use a strainer. i guess it worked ok, but it's just annoying not being about to open it with my little weak hands.

i stole some tea from your house.

sometimes you know more is less.

metaphor

i've been blacklisted.

there's something wrong with my car. it appears to be leaking gasoline. uh-oh. my batmobile is kind of unusual, you need a tetanus shot from just looking at it.

it seems another 3 months has past, because it's time for me to get my oil changed AND it's time for another hatch. brenda came over to discuss the content and give me some instructions. while she was here we got talking about dreams, and she mentioned that she's started a dream journal. it's a really cool concept and i think i'm going to give it a try.

i'm also trying this new thing where i don't eat my dinner in front of the tv. while i was at beckie's place we sat at the table like civilized people, i liked it. it seems kind of weird to just sit alone at the table when i could be watching the tv, but i'd like to behave like a sophisticated lady instead of an adolescent boy.

exciting news! as usual, upon the completion of one vacation, i begin thinking about my next one. today i started making plans to go to australia in 2009. i'm quite excited even though i'm not going until november '09, that's a long way off. but whatever, it's still fun to have something to plan for and work towards. i just hope nothing will put a kink in my plans, i've seen vacation plans disintegrate when they're not in the near future.

i got a letter from canadian blood services in the mail. it thanked me for helping save the lives of three people. you know what would be cool... if they'd tell me which three people i helped save. maybe i'd like to know who i'm blood-brothers with. just a thought. maybe i should write them a letter in response and suggest it.

ok, i'm gonna go find a piece of paper to place at my bedside as a makeshift dream journal until i purchase an actual book.

they said, "which one is different? it does not belong".
they taught me different is wrong.

neanderthal

it's very bizarre to realize that i've spent most of my life fighting against normality, and yet still feel uncomfortable being an outsider. this is the bed i've made. i'm a freak. i chose this for myself and it's time i got used to it. i think i can. it's just a new concept to realize that i'm going to spend my life feeling like an odd ball. i won't ever be able to relate. my input and advise to others will be limited, that bothers me. i like to be helpful. it makes me feel childish, like everyone else is growing older while i stay the same age. but it's ok. at least i know this, sometimes i feel i could handle anything as long as i know what i'm dealing with. i'll get into the swing of things. that makes me happy. no scratch that, it makes me even happier. and i smirk.

hm.

my life feels like a lovely collage. darks and lights. i'm a gradation, a sliding scale, i can see both ends of the spectrum. it's kind of confusing. i feel neither this nor that. it's almost alarming, as though i'm incapable of feeling anything. i don't think that's true. i'm just caught in between. regardless of whether or not i THINK i should feel something... i just don't, and i like that a lot. i just feel good. content. and that's good enough.

it's a collage. my mind is a collage. and all of you are the subjects.

i don't know what i knew before,
but now i know i wanna win the war.

neutral

i'm crazy in love with summer. passionately and satisfyingly. however, spring is my season. i can't fully explain it. spring is the season i feel most alive in. i think it's because my heart begins to reawaken. my senses are poised for what is to come.

my pride lies panting on the floor.

so much present inside my present.

c

i worked today to make up for one of the three days i missed this week. how i'll account for the others is yet to be decided. i wasn't pleased about working a saturday, but it turned out pretty well. i wore the most comfy and work-inappropriate clothes i could find, and blared my music instead of listening on headphones. it was great. very liberating. equal to the freedom of walking around your own home in the buff. i kind of wish i had the entire office to myself EVERY day, it was probably my most productive work day in recent history.

when melinda and i went to pei last summer she wore a night mask all the time. i was finding it difficult to sleep, so i dug thru my cupboards and found an night mask that came part of a travel kit, and i started wearing it to bed too. my plan was to only wear it in the mornings when light streams thru the windows, but i've grown extremely attached to my mask that i wear it all night long. it was very handy to have up north, but i'm finding wearing it here at home more difficult. i wake up in the night and it's absent from my face and i mumble aloud "where's my mask? where's my mask?" often one of the cats had snatched is away. i don't like that. if forced to decide between my mask and my cats sleeping in my room, i'm going to pick the mask. melinda's is purple, mine is silver. i love it, it makes me feel like audrey hepburn or carrie bradshaw. nice.

russian is a very complicated language.

the truth lies.

crock

it was back to work today, and all went fairly well. i was hassled a small bit about missing 3 days, i felt kind of manipulated, but frank told me to just shrug it off, and that's what i'm going to do. the morning went slowly and i found myself looking at the clock more than necessary. i realized i usually spend much of my day glancing at the clock at the top of my screen, and i don't like that. anything i do compulsively and excessively is not good. so i decided to remove the clock from my taskbar and i felt much better for the rest of the day. it made it feel more like a regular day where i can get lost in my work instead of doing time.

i feel like i'm growing into my adult teeth. while i was away i discovered the delight of HOT tea instead of lukewarm tea. it's delicious and it doesn't burn my tongue like i thought it would. i also realized that big mugs take longer to drink and therefore the tea is cold when i get more than halfway down. so after work i decided to swing by dansk to buy a new work mug. i wanted something nice and snazzy, but also inexpensive. they had a VERY limited selection there, however, they did have plain white teacups with matching saucers. and i've been wanting a cup and saucer for some times now, so i bought one for $1.99. i'm quite excited and look forward to drinking out of it tomorrow :D

i'm currently uploading a crap-load of photos right now, it's taking forever. and they don't include beckie's photos which are really nice, so i think once these are done i'll go to bed and upload the devious ones tomorrow. for now... click here.

beck got me hooked on the show "weeds". she had the first season on dvd and i stayed up until 3 am watching it one night. so this evening i rented disc one of season two. if you enjoy shows that pushes the envelope, i strongly suggest renting this one from your local video store. but i must warn you, it was a series made for showtime, so it's incredibly uncensored. it's not for the faint of heart. it's definitely made my jaw drop more than once.

if i didn't know any better, i'd think you like to sneak back into my subconscious whenever i forget about you.

and you say "yeah, but why so cold, and so canadian".

taima

I'M BACK!

the winds of time were in my favour this morning and after a delay and a near missed connection i made it back to ottawa. hurray!

well, i've kept you updated about my travel perils, but i suppose i've told you little about my actual trip. above is a photo of me on during an afternoon activity of hiking up a large hill. this is not to be confused with my hike up duval (i'm going to be posting my photos on flickr tomorrow, you'll see duval pics then). i have to admit, even though i love the spring and i was exciting when i saw trees as we flew above ottawa... i miss the mountains, and when i look at this photo i feel excited because i think "there's kim and aus's house!" i had a really great time, it was grand adventure, a lovely escape, and a restful recess. i feel recharged and i don't mind the idea of going into work tomorrow, or of working on saturday.

i think i may have developed a liking for manicures, and it got me into some trouble.

she had a mark on her neck that closely resembled a hickey. hmm.

i hope i can transition back into my normal life without becoming too overwhelmed. i'm a little afraid i'll find myself back in the deep-end, drowning in kingston before i get my bearings. i hope not. i've learned a lot from my trip, from the surroundings, and from beckie, and i'd like to apply it all to my life. i'm very glad i had the opportunity to experience the north :)

i'm looking forward to seeing you all and getting caught up on everything :)

see what you want to see.
you should see it all.

dash

i finished my shrug this evening. you know... make good use of my time and all. at first i wasn't sure what i thought of it, but now that i've been wearing it for a couple hours, i really like it. it makes me feel super sexy.

it's highly possible that i'm leaving for ontario tomorrow, but as i've learned, nothing in life is certain. so i won't put to much faith in first air.

aside from the 3 day delay in arriving, and the 4 day delay in departing, i've had a lovely time. hahahaha. what a nutty time it's been. quite an adventure in more ways than one. that being said, i'm looking forward to spring in kingston, and to not wearing winter boots until next november.

i've been thinking on how quickly i adjust to places and locations. after a matter of days i'd adjusted to my surroundings here in pang and felt perfectly at home. it feels completely natural being here, as though i've always been and always will be (but let's hope not). i've felt this way before, on other trips, in other surroundings. i wonder if everyone is as versatile. i feel like i slip into experiences as one slips into the tub. i think my ability to be "all there" may make me more trusting than some. i'm not hesitant and i'm not anxious. hm.... thoughts to think about further.

sometimes because i'm technically unattached to my friends and family, i doubt my significance in their lives. several people told me they'd miss me while i'm away, and i can't help but feel that after enough time i'd be forgotten. well... not forgotten exactly, people would remember me fondly, but i wouldn't be missed after the initial adjustment period, and that makes me sad. however, then i got thinking about people who i know who've moved away or grown apart from and i still miss them. so maybe i'm not as dispensable as i feel sometimes.

man, i've got to go eat some lime tositos now. that was the worse use of 7 bux ever. melinder – i wish you were here to eat them.

i'll bring the sun to you when i come.

nauseous

my second attempt to leave pang has failed. i'm going to try again tonight. and probably again tomorrow. the prognosis is not good.

i miss you guys.

exit

my flight home today was canceled due to weather. this is the first day of poor weather since i've been here. i find it ironic, beckie says its just the north. at least this time i'm stranded in pang.

it's ok, i'm just disappointed that i'm having to use more vacation days. i'm currently scheduled for monday morning. i should be back in ktown that evening.

in the meantime, here are some of beckie's photos:
this is one of me and beck mid-way up duval.

and this is one of me on a ski-doo at yesterday's spring picnic.
it was only -2º!

hope you're all well. i need to go call my parents, then play some boggle :)

i've been stranded in the combat zone

mandolin

i'd never climbed a mountain before. not even in the summer, but we'd been invited along with beckie's friend mike to climb mount duval. we accepted his invitation and decided to go on beck's 30th birthday.

as we headed out, climbing the first of many false summits (i believe there are 13 in total), we were pooped, and all three of us were secretly thinking "i don't want to do this", but we carried on. i was hopeful that once i built up some momentum it would get easier.

i was dressed in full winter gear, snow pants, parka, toque, seal skin mitts, many layers, but quickly discovered that along with getting really hot and sweaty from climbing, it was also a fantastic day out (a high of -13º). so i tried to peel back my layers as much as i could.

as we climbed the town below got smaller and smaller, while duval seemed to get larger and larger. the trip was estimated to take 3 hours to reach the inukshuk at the top, then 1 hour to slide down. i was worried that my tiny bladder couldn't hold out that long, but it did, even though it actually look us closer to 5 hrs to climb, and an hour and a half to come down.

as i've said before, the artic is beautiful, as we sat on the ridge eating peanut butter sandwiches we could see for miles this expansive wilderness. it's enough to blow your mind. what a privilege it is to sit and take in such a view.

beckie is a clever girl, who pleasantly surprises me at every turn. i was so delighted at lunch time when she took out a thermos full of hot tea. i've never had such a lovely cup of tea in all my life. however, she only gave me one cup full and promised me another one when we reached the top. i swear, at times, that cup of tea was the only thing spurring me forward. i hit the wall so close to the top and i was ready to quit and climb back down, but beckie had new found motivation and kept plowing ahead. mike kept telling me "you can't just climb 90% of a mountain, you've come so far, don't quit now!", so i plowed on, knowing a cup of tea was waiting for me. it was like a carrot before me. thankfully, i remembered i had my ipod in my pocket, i pulled it out and danced & strutted the rest of my way.

when we finally reached the top, the view was unparalleled and worth every step.

at the true summit, i drank my cup of triumphant tea and beckie flashed the artic. we figured that was excellent way to usher in her thirties. i'm pretty proud of her, fricking awesome. i can't imagine a better way to celebrate one's 30th birthday. i've got less than 2 years to come up with something cool.

we slid down the mountain on our bums, riding the snow like waves. it was amazing to think sections that had taken 20 minutes to climb had only taken 20 seconds to slide down.

we arrived back at beckie's place in time to cook a big meal for 14 people. everyone had been invited for a fancy, semi-formal dinner. it went very smoothly and was also lots of fun. by the end of the evening tho, we were both quite pooped. sore, tired, and our faces were sunburnt! i never expected to get a sunburn in the artic. at first i thought it was nice to have some colour in my skin again, but now the burn looks blotchy and there's some distinct tan lines from my sunglasses.

pictures to follow shortly. i should be home late late saturday night barring any storms or mishaps.

i run to the rock