paid parking ticket

this morning i had a dentist appointment, which meant i got to sleep in a little tiny bit (til 7:30). the interesting thing about that, is that i woke up at 7:28 before the alarm went off, feeling very well rested. i actually stayed up a little later last night, so i really only got the same amount of sleep as usual, but felt more well rested because of the time i got up at. i've made this observation for many years, it has led me to believe that i live in the wrong time-zone.

there's a crazy dance party going on across the street from the maxi pad this evening. it's seriously a "much music dance party". there are several large air castles in the parking lot. it's part of frosh week, since the students are too young to go out to the bars. i remember this from last year too. it's really bizarre because they bus the students in from the ghetto – that's right, the ghetto that is approximately 2 blocks south of here – 5 if they're REALLY far away.

i remember that time i danced so hard i ripped my pants.

i FINALLY finished the wrist warmers i was knitting for bren. they took forever. i think i lose interest in a project if i've knitted it before. i guess i'll just have to always knit unique things, stuff that new, fresh, and happening. there were times when i felt that perhaps that would be the project to end my knitting career. but i overcame. now i have to think of something else. i wanted to knit these knuckle mitts for a certain boy, but he didn't like me back, so i've scrapped that idea. it's his loss because i think he would've really liked them. look who's laughing now!?!?! :p i would knit some leg warmers but i bought some in peru (which, now that i think of it, i've misplaced somewhere). maybe i'll knit a toque, i've never knitted a toque before. or maybe mitts.

i currently have a few zits on my face. shouldn't i be past that by now? it's like i'm perpetually going thru puberty.

count the lipstick stains,
that you get on all my cups.

perfume

there are times – days, hours, moments – when i don't like myself very much. i've kind of had one of those evenings. no particular reason, just everything thing about me is getting on my nerves. i feel the sting of my own dislike, it lingers like a slap across the face. it makes me listless.

i had a good afternoon. i met bren, rowan, and skye at skeleton park, where i had a free hot dog and dr pepper. or as ro likes to call it a "dr pepsi". after that i sat on bren's kitchen floor for a couple of hours chatting. it was relaxing, a quiet summer afternoon. i think i've sat on the floor more at bren's place than anywhere else. i dragged my heels as i left, in fact, i think 45 minutes passed from the time i first said "i should go" to the time i actually exited her backyard. just in a funny mood i guess. when i arrived home i continued to feel a little indecisive, i wanted to be outside, but also wanted to watch more episodes of sex and the city (have i mentioned that i'm renting the whole series start to finish? i'm currently on season 2). inspired by rach, i moved my entire computer out onto my balcony and had the best of both worlds.

there was a line in a sex and the city episode that went like "people don't hate single women, they just want to figure them out". i think that's true. probably a lot of (what i perceive to be) animosity that i feel from the people i meet and know is actually just their desire to figure me out. peg me someplace. sometimes i wish i could figure me out too.

then labour day came and went.

adolescent

melissa and i went to see julie & julia this evening with some of her friends. i knew next to nothing about what was about, and thought it was kind of neat that it was about a blogger. it was the first time i've ever heard the word 'blog' used in a movie, much less be the a major element in a film. it was interesting, in some ways it made me want to give up blogging. it's a strange activity, you write a log, an online diary and people read it. it can get people into trouble or bring people together. it can be narcissistic, it can be a soap box. there's a lot of people, like julie powell, who get hundreds of comments on one specific entry, i find that so bizarre! when i get one entry from a complete stranger it makes me feel uncomfortable, and if it's anonymous i generally delete it. i don't think i could read a blog of someone i don't know, but i guess that springs from what i view blogs to be, or specifically how i view my blog. i worry some times that it's all "me me me" or "i i i", i cringe if i have multiple paragraphs that start with the word "i" in one entry. but sometimes i remind myself that this is my outlet, it's where i talk about the contents of my brain. it's sometimes where i process stuff, and share what's going on in my head. it's not a two way conversation, so i forgive myself for my talking about my thoughts and feelings or opinions and activities.

she wept in the kitchen. this little girl with big tears. my heart broke when i saw her, because i've cried those tears, quite recently actually. it blew my mind that such a little girl would cry over such an adult problem. or perhaps i'm an adult who cries over childish misunderstandings.

i wonder why it's so much easier having faith in someone else's life. to believe that a friend's life is going to work out perfectly and everything is going to be ok. but then when it's our own lives we have no confidence at all. it's strange. maybe we're just lazy with others, or aren't afraid, or maybe we're just more reasonable and sensible about other peoples lives.

the best part about days off is the night before – knowing i don't have to go to work the next day. fantastic.

can i handle the seasons of my life?

duplicated

to commemorate paying off my osap debt i decided to purchase one of shari doseger's paintings. i wanted to buy something that when i see it i will remember this experience. it's also nice to have something at the end, instead of just fizzling out. i love it. it's a dragon fly. i would post a picture of it, but it's more fun if you see it when you're at the maxi pad.

mayelin and i went to see all about steve tonight. it was really hilarious, we laughed out loud all the way thru. mayelin has a great laugh, which is fun. bradley cooper had never made an impression on me before, but he did indeed tonight. he is dangerously cute. i knew a guy like him in real life once, he was cute and it was dangerous. yikes, and yet.... *sigh*. i love that being single allows me to have ridiculous crushes on movie stars and it's not inappropriate. anyways, i really liked the movie. it was a 'dating comedy' not a 'romantic comedy', which just made it all the better. i think there should be more 'dating comedies'.

i was listening to jewel today at work. she has such a poetic way about her. so i went online when i got home, and bought her poetry book "a night without armor" on amazon for $0.01. score.

fasten me to your side.

begin

today i am debt free.

upon graduating from college, i left with a graphic design diploma and a $15,000 loan to be repaid over the next 11 years. it has been a tremendous burden to me, i have laid in bed countless hours at night trying to figure out how to wriggle myself free from this bondage. osap is like a romantic relationship that goes sour. when you're first introduced it's awesome, it's like love at first sight, but then you break-up and it haunts you, torments you, and gives you constant grief. this ridiculous debt has hindered me and frustrated me. i have been limited in my life options and have been close to tears at the slavery it has put me thru. a number of years ago i came up with a plan that involved me making my last payment (early) the night before my 30th birthday, but it occured to me the other day that i may be in the financial position (and my debt reduced enough) at this point that i could pay it off now. why wait 4 months when i can be debt free today! there's no time like the present. so i made a few calls, and discovered it was possible. when that reality hit my ears i was stunned. i felt like the wind was knocked out of me, and had some difficulty breathing for the next few hours. this was what i have worked for, longed for, dreamt of for the last 8 years, and now i am finally free. i'm completely amazed. there were times when i felt this day would never come, that i would be trapped forever. but now it's done, and i will live the rest of my life free from my osap debt. this is a HUGE accomplishment for me. my heart feels like bursting, i feel like flying, it's amazing. i'm so thankful.

tomorrow i begin a new day. my money is mine to do with what i want. i'm no longer controlled by the obligations of my past. i am a new person. i work because i want to, not because i have to. i have a choice, i have choices. i have served 8 years of an 11 year sentence, and now i'm free.

free at last,
free at last,
thank God almighty, i'm free at last.

i've come to the conclusion that good song lyrics are usually solid stand alone poems. crappy lyrics could never pass as poetry. a good song, like a good poem or quote of any kind, will make me wish that i'd written it – that's when i know it's good. case in point... 'why' by annie lennox. beautiful lyrics, i wish i could tattoo them on my face:

this is the book i never read
these are the words i never said
this is the path i'll never tread
these are the dreams i'll dream instead
this is the joy that's seldom spread
these are the tears...
the tears we shed
this is the fear
this is the dread
these are the contents of my head
and these are the years that we have spent
and this is what they represent

i'd love to really get into reading poetry. but i can't seem to find the time. when i do have time to read it's usually taken up with a novel of some kind. that being said, i've come to the conclusion that poetry, like a nice bath, is best when shared with someone else (not that i have, but it just feels like baths and poems would be more enjoyable with company).

we sat on the floor, in a circle, and talked. the carpet was dirty, the candor was delightful.

i'm considering changing my name to "lesley mcknitro". what do you think? haha, just kidding.... ;)

lives are found and love's are lost.

top

bren triggered a memory this afternoon of my first day of grade 2. we'd arrived that morning and found our names on the list posted on the glass doors that told us which class we were in. i quickly discovered that i was not in the same class as my best friend heather. she was a quiet, tiny little girl and immediately looked to me for assurance and some kind of guidance. i remember being quite distraught with separation anxiety myself but i didn't show it. i felt a need to pull myself together so i could support and comfort her. my response was exactly the same way i often react to things as an adult. i'm completely the same person. when i was reading the fifth business recently i read a portion that talks about this, the notion that we are exactly the same our entire lives. check this out... "i have never thought that traits that are strong in childhood disappear; they may go underground or they may be transmuted into something else, but they do not vanish; very often they make a vigorous appearance after the meridian of life has been passed. it is this, not senility, that is the real second childhood. i could see this pattern in myself; my boyhood trick of getting of 'good ones' that went far beyond any necessary self-defence and were likely to wound, had come back to me in my fifties. i was going to be a sharp-tongued old man as i had been a sharp-tongued boy". very interesting. and beautifully written i might add. it's amazing to think about. it really is true... where ever i go, i'm still there.

i need a cola now.

imprint

a number of weeks ago i said to shanno "i wonder what i'll be like in my 50s" and she said she thinks i'll be pretty much the same. that's encouraging. today i caught a glimpse of myself in 20 years. it was warm and comforting – i think i'm really gonna like it, just as i like my life now.

it cracked open today. i wandered around in shock for the next hour, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. it was awesome. i have lived, dreamed, longed for this moment. and now it's within arm's reach it feels like everything is possible.

it's been 8 years since i went back to school. back then i dreaded fall. but in recent years i've looked forward to the fresh start of september. it's funny because my routine doesn't change, but i think the settling of those around me brings into peace along with them. i'm delighted about autumn, i think it's the most sensory of all the seasons. when i was younger i was always fully immersed in each season that it came to me as a surprise when the seasons changed. now i have a greater understanding that with enough time the seasons will change. i've also come to appreciate that each season has it's own wonderful qualities.

i really love my dreads. i think i'll keep them indefinitely.

those are the feet that dance to your tune.

peacocking

i like when i'm able to ride on the coattails of life. this weekend i went up to beckie's cottage to see her before she heads back to the north. we watched sex and the city, drank wine, and went swimming with her brother in the rain. beck is a very easy person for me to be around, and i enjoy her company. every time i go to her cottage i end up staying one night longer than planned, but this time i was certain that wouldn't happen because she had to leave on saturday night to go the ottawa. but she ended up inviting me to ottawa with her. i enjoyed the drive, i blared my music and enjoyed the freedom of the open road with nothing demanding that i go home as per scheduled. the hotel was nice and i enjoyed a morning swim when we got up this morning at 6:30 am. i helped her get to the airport then i hit the road. i really enjoy taking opportunities when they arise. the thing is...

...life rarely happens to me. i happen to life. and i kind of hate that. in all my life, i can think of about 3 things that have happened to me that changed the course of my life. everything else has to be lesley-initiated (nothing in my life is outside of my control. i do everything by choice). and the reason why i hate that is because i love it when i suddenly find myself doing something great and unexpected. i want that to happen more often. if i don't leave my job next year and proceed with my plans, my life would continued unchanged for the next 20 years. this time last year i was totally stuck in a rut, frustrated and feeling trapped. i tried a few things to unstuck myself to no avail, and as a result i'm in the exact same position i was in last year, only i'm a year older. thankfully, i'm more content, and am glad i tried even though nothing worked out as i hoped. so as i gaze forward toward the rhythm of a new school year, i'm certain nothing unorchestrated by me will happen. which is a real shame, because i'm up for adventure. as i write this i can almost hear someone saying telling me "things happen when you least expect it!" which i know, but in spite of that the forecast is looking "same-old same-old" for the next 11 months because there's absolutely no reason to believe this year will be any different. however, after this year... the world will be my oyster and it won't know what hit it :)

did you know you can resurface a super scratched dvd with some toothpaste and a non-lint cloth? i just gave it a try (after reading about it on the internet) and it worked like a charm!

take me through the darkness to the break of the day.

acid

we conspired.
it's a conspiracy.

gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight.

rubber bands

there was a pigeon dying in the driveway. it was hurting – that much i could tell. it immediately made me panic, felt like i was drowning from the bottom of my lungs. i parked on the road and quickly walked to my door without looking at it. i was distraught and didn't know what to do. those are remnants of animal trauma i experienced as a child – i watched my favourite dog run into the street and get hit by a car in a very blood ordeal. seeing an injured animal is extremely difficult for me (i rarely cry in movies but the times i have were usually related to animals – babe pig in the city, city slickers, etc). when i was 6 years old i found an injured bird in my backyard, it was a robin. my mom got a cardboard box for me to put it in, i think we made it a little bed of towels. i sat with it as it died, blood came out of it's beak. when it died we buried it under a tree. when i saw the pigeon in my driveway i immediately thought of the robin. unlike when i was a kid, i understood it was dying, and thought perhaps the only thing i could do was help it along so it would die faster. but i couldn't do it, i just waited it out. i knew it would soon die, and i wanted for someone to remove it for me. i wanted to call for my daddy to come and rescue me, to bury it. but i felt silly, so i tried to think of someone in the area, someone i could ask to help me out. but i thought of sarah, and how she had to clean up a cat she found in her street. sometimes adults have to take care of these things, it's a part of life. so after it died i got a shovel and carried it across the street, then called the health unit to let them know that i'd found a dead bird and where it was so they could come get it. the whole experience left me with mixed feelings: 1) that sometimes i need someone elses help, someone to take care of me, look out for me, to protect me. 2) that there's nothing i'm incapable of doing when i have to. sometimes i feel as thought i'm caught in the middle. i don't know if i'm coming or going. a grown child or an emerging adult. sometimes i feel stuck in between and it makes me frustrated that i'm not able to be either here or there.

i'm pmsing and beginning to feel sorry for myself. i should go to bed before i start to spiral.

you disappeared so often,
like you dissolved into coffee.

fargo

it would be so amazing to go back in time and talk to myself as a teenager. i have a sneaking suspicion that my young self would not appreciate or approve of the things my current self would have to say. that reality came alarmingly clear the other day when i came across some a book that i had censored. it's a book of misheard lyrics. it's actually quite funny, it's called he's got the whole world in his pants a few of my friends gave it to me in highschool. it has pages of misheard lyrics along side the correct words – i'm sure we've all mis-sung songs before. the book contains several illustrations to go along with the misheard lyrics. i haven't looked at it in 10-12 years, but when i took my book shelves down on saturday to paint i flipped thru it. it turns out that on one of the pages where there was an illustration of a naked couple running thru a field i took a black pen and drew black boxes over the private parts. when i first saw my censorship my jaw dropped, but very slowly the memory flooded back, along with the recollection of how self-righteous i was while editing the page. when i saw my censorship i found it quite funny and laughed at myself, but after my giggles faded i felt frustration and annoyance at my behaviour. that was before i took life-drawing class, in hindsight that class really changed my life, or was one of many life changing experiences. frig, i can't believe i was so uptight! no doubt my 17-year-old self would consider me very "liberal" and look down on me. but at the same time, i think i'd also inwardly look at my 29-year-old self with respect and awe. i've mellowed with age. matured i guess. i live freely now, in a way i didn't know was possible but am so glad that it is. i wonder how i'll be different in another 12 years. how life will change me and how i will change life. i wonder what my 41-year-old self would say to me right now. it's exciting and beautiful how much one can change and grow in a life time.

i do it just because i want to.

leak

this evening i went to a pilates class for the very first time. i liked it. it was harder than yoga, but not unsimilar. i'm going to see if i can do both yoga and pilates because they're different and i think they both have their benefits. it was interesting the way the instructor's teaching style is so differently to yogi master dennis. i'm still hoping that i'll have a class with more friendly people. i'm starting to wonder if most people are not friendly and feel uncomfortable when a person is chatty or sociable. one thing i found odd about both tonight's class and my regular yoga gig is that the teachers never find out their student's names. if i was instructing a group like that i'd make sure i'm on a first name basis with everyone, but perhaps that's not the norm. i really worked out my abs. she said "if you're shaking, you're in the right position" – i was shaking alright :) i like doing new things.

i have three books on the go right now. i never do that. the first one is a book called "playing with boys" that i'm kind of reading between books. secondly, i'm reading "the memory keeper's daughter" which i'm finding depressing and tedious (i've heard it gets better tho). thirdly, my dad brought by a library book called "the burden of desire" which i think is a hilarious title, especially odd considering it's about the halifax explosion. he got it out for me because i'd just been asking him about the explosion because of a segment in "the birth house". he said this book is excellently written. since it's a library book i think i'll read it first and put the others a virtual shelf.

i wonder if everything i do,
i do instead of something i want to do more.

slice of life

this is exactly what my boss is like...

Business Guys on Business Trips

(especially "july 13" and "june 29" - it's almost frightening.)

squeegee

this afternoon i took a screen-printing class at made4you. there was supposed to be 4 people, but it turned out that i was the only person. that was kind of disappointing because i was looking forward to interacting with a group, but i was able to chat with barb the instructor more and have one-on-one coaching. i did two shirts, one with some mushrooms on it, and one with some feathers. i'm kind of disappointed with how the feathers one turned out with, i wish i chose different colours (although hot pink and glow-in-the-dark are pretty cool), but you know what? it is what it is, and i'll wear it, and enjoy it. i'm kinda proud of myself for taking a workshop, and i enjoyed myself.

i've been thinking more on about this whole redecorating my room thing. i'm kind of surprised by it because i had my room plain white covered in posters for years and years. i enjoyed it at the time, but i was ready for a change. i like that i've had opportunities to live my life one way, and then another way. i'm not just talking about my room anymore. like, i used to sleep until 2 pm on saturdays, but now i get up earlier and enjoy putsying around my house while listening to GO on cbc. i think it's partly a process of maturing – of growing out of a phase, and partly that change is good when it comes at the right time. things run their course, and when that happens i enter a new phase happy and rejoicing.

i had a long conversation with my family about my future today at lunch. i cried. they were very supportive, but i felt defensive and insecure. while at the same time i feel excited and certain. this is a complicated stage for me, and i really recognize that i fear regret – A LOT. thankfully, both my mom and joy were very sure that things will work out, although they did both keep saying "you never know what can happen in a year". that's KIND OF true, but nothing ever changes in MY life from year to year, so i think it's pretty safe to proceed with my plans.

i have tried in my way to be free.

acoustic

well, it's been a long day, but i got it all done. i'm pretty pooped. but it looks good and was worth it. i really love painting and being industrious :) the colour turned out great, and the bonus is that it only cost me 10 bux because someone else had bought and returned it because it was the wrong colour. i kind of call it avocado green.

i did something special with this paint project. i created a stencil and painted it on one of the walls. it's silhouetted birds. i love it, i think it's awesome. i can hear shanno in my head saying that she hates birds, but i hope she'll be contradictory and say she likes it :p


while at value village the other day i picked up a headboard for my bed for 9.99. i'm pretty pleased with it – it finishes off my room nicely. and i took a side table from my living room and put it beside my bed, so i feel like i have a proper bedroom set now. i'm really tickled.


it's been a really good day. satisfying and productive. i listened to the flight of the conchords all day, i like listening to musical type things when painting or puzzling. the fact that they're hilarious makes it even better :)

i had other things i wanted to say, but i've kind of forgotten because i'm tired. i'm tired but not sleepy. i'm gonna go watch some tv, i hope something mindless and entertaining is on.

ciao!

if i have been untrue,
i hope you know it was never to you.

black bear

i'm currently sitting on my bed while tying at my desk. my room is disheveled because i've started painting. i think it's going to look really pretty, but the colour may require three coats – which sucks because i may not have enough paint. i'll keep my fingers crossed. i think i might paint another coat before bed so that wall is dry and i can move my desk up against it so i can pull my bed out into the middle of my room. i'll sleep in another room tonight.

the concert last night was great. turns out modest mouse has two sets of drums that play in every song. seeing them live answered my question about whether they have two lead singers of if the one guy does all his own back up – he does. i love his singing, with his lispy sound, plus he's an incredible lyricist.

apparently every friday evening there's free swimming over at leo lafleur pool across the street from my house. i had no idea! so i went over this evening when i got home from my errands. it was my first time swimming since mexico. to my great delight i bumped into the butler clan, sarah and i went down the slide. it was super fun. i wish i'd known about that all summer. oh well, next year.

well the point was fast but it was too blunt to miss.

embarrassed

beck and i are going to see modest mouse tonight at the ale house. we're pretty excited.

on that note... i should go.

life handed us a paycheck, we said, "we worked harder than this!"

birds

it seems some of the ladies at work feel it's appropriate to baby me. i don't need to be mothered by my mother, i don't need other people who don't know how capable i am trying to take care of me.

today someone called my extension and asked for "tracey" i found this odd because the girl who had my job before me was named tracey, but i just said "you have the wrong number". she hesitated but tried again, asking by her full name, so i told her that tracey hasn't worked for bombardier in 6 years. she seemed quite surprised to hear that. it was truly bizarre. i'm certain it was an old friend trying to track her down. i'm really surprised that this woman thought that after all these years tracey would still have the same job. i know that some people hold the same job for a long time, but she'd already been with the company a while before she left. it seemed to me that during the last 6 years i've had 4 new colleagues in my department, 3 new presidents, 3 different office cleaners, 3 different food providers, 3 new computers, 5 different site managers, 1 carpooler, 3 company re-brandings, 3 different tea cups, renovations, new carpet, thousands of emails, friends come and go. time has passed, a lot has changed, and yet she still expected tracey to be there. listen... if you're trying to locate me in 6 years.... i hope and pray you will not be able to find me in that cubicle.

i'm gonna ask marilyn how she responds to the knickers when she's mean. because it always leaves me speechless, and i want to respond in a kind way that makes her aware of her rudeness.

i'm excited because i'm going to paint my bedroom this weekend. it's gonna look awesome :D

i know a place where we can go.

compass

i like sarah. and the rest of the butler crew. i think i'm going to go there for dinner at least once a month, be a semi-regular.

tonight i gave tigerlily a bath while sarah read tara bedtime stories. she just lied there in the water as content as can be with her red cup and blue foam sun. adorable. i washed her hair and everything. very cute.

i'm getting so used to this heat that i actually felt a little chilly out on my balcony this morning. i got up on time which meant i had time to just sit and enjoy the morning. it was good.

i got a new phone at work yesterday. it's all black and fancy. it even has a display screen. i like that getting a new phone is a big deal in cubicle-land. 'like' as in 'find funny'.

carolyn read to us from a magazine tonight that the size of a woman's feet can change as an adult and as a result many women are wearing the wrong size shoe. with that i've declared myself a size 8, because 7's just don't fit me anymore. i was hesitant to change shoe sizes because i've been a size 7 since i was about 12 or 13, but hearing that just confirmed that my feet just ain't what they used to be.

you must have some kind of news you can send.

unease

on saturday i finished the birth house. one thing i noticed about this book, which was set during world war one, that men considered themselves 'men' if they had sex whenever they wanted – with no regard for women. and it really struck me, that at some point during the last century, when it comes to sex, men are considered 'men' if they're good in bed. it suddenly stopped being about themselves, and it became about their ability to perform. i find this fascinating, and quite honestly, i'm glad for this change. i wonder if it was a result of the sexual revolution, or mass media, or women being more vocal about their sexuality. i'm not sure. i bet shanno could give us more insight on this. it just really amazes me, and actually... there's probably parts of the world who still fall into the first category, which is sad. but i'm glad women are more taken into consideration in this part of the world.

it appears as though i've morphed into a commitment phobe. which is kind of comical, but true. after all these years of not seriously dating, combined with the years of over-dating, i find myself unable to commit to one person for fear that someone better might come along after i've picked someone. it's unnerving. being with the wrong person is SO MUCH worse than being alone. i hope i'll be able to overcome this latest neurosis, because it concerns me a little. i may end up to be my own biggest obstacle.

all the boys think she's a spy.

uh-oh

the heat this weekend has created a really laid-back environment. i had a really beautiful afternoon out on my balcony yesterday. i finished a book as the hours went by. it was lovely.

i joined the melles for dinner before heading out to see harry potter at the movie theatre by myself. i've never been to a "real" movie theatre by myself before – only the screening room. i didn't mind it at all, the only downside was when i got my leg caught in the seats in front of me. my leg was trapped and i had no one to help me. i started to panic, but tried to stay calm – i figured since i'd managed to get it in there, i should be able to get it out. i did, but not without damaging my ankle :S the movie was great, brendan was right, it is the best harry potter movie so far.

i feel a little funny these days. all my closest friends are away or otherwise occupied. this would usually trouble me, but i'm actual doing ok. lately i have a better sense of things being temporary, it's just a phase and i'll get a chance to reconnect with them soon enough. in the meantime, i'm not minding being alone.

in an unexpected turn of events i spent the afternoon with brendan. it was fun, after the next bbq we went to the women's art festival, then walked around downtown for a bit. i enjoyed his company, and it was probably really helpful, gave me a chance to socialize amongst this quiet week. it was fun.

i think i'll go lounge on my summer living room and listen to the sounds of summer while reading yet another good book :)

i wonder if this year is different or if i just have my eyes open more than in the past.

i'm suddenly not afraid. i'm curious, but not worried. if anything, i'm impatient, but not afraid anymore.

brendan and i were talking today about life stages. and i've been thinking lately, about how everyone could say "no one understands me, there's no one else in my exact situation". i had a friend who complained about that a lot. but everyone is unique, and that uniqueness has it's struggles and it's advantages. we're not alone in our differences, we're all in it together.

no matter what you do, someone always knew you would.

make

eye contact is an immensely powerful thing.

and yet, probably one of the most underrated forms of body language. i like it because it's secret. it usually occurs without anyone else noticing. in those moments much can be exposed, little can be hidden from the other person. that's why we always want people to look us in the eye when we're seeking the truth. messages are conveyed. i love that line in the bob dylan song that says "say hello with just a glance". ooh, i've done that, it's pretty magical.

when i was in grade 10, my friend mandy and i invented something we called "the eye-contact game". we both had crushes on boys that we lacked the confidence/ability/whatever to talk to. so we developed this game to force us to look them in the eyes when we passed them in the hall. at the end of the day whoever had the highest tally won. it was fun times. when i look back, i'm surprised (and yet not) by how much those brief moments of locked-eyes further infused me with fluttery feelings.

eye contact is something we grow accustomed to, something we kind of take for granted until it's denied us. when in a new place, surrounded by strangers very few people look us in the eye. it's a lonely feeling, isolating. sometimes all we need is a familiar face, eye contact is humanizing. admittedly, there are times when i'm so frustrated with my boss that i simply will not look her in the eye. i'm polite, i listen, i do as i'm told, but i don't look at her. i don't want her as part of my humanity - i'm passive aggressive that way. i like it when a friend gives an encouraging glace, it let's me know their listening and are interested in what i have to say.

i remember when i was about 13 discovering that i don't simply look at people's faces when i talk to/listen to them, i look in their eyes. and further to that, i look at their left eye. i'd been baby-sitting a little girl who had a mosquito bite on her eyelid which forced it shut. it was hard talking to her because i couldn't look in her eye, it required a conscious effort to look at her right eye.

the thing about eye contact, it can sometimes be misconstrued. sometimes eyes just meet in passing, other times there's intent behind it. have you ever willed someone to look at you? it doesn't usually work.

we lie awake and we dream of our escape.

huron

i'd never seen a man's nipples sweat before. but sure enough there were two perfectly round circles on his t-shirt from his sweaty nipples. it looked like he was lactating for pete's sake – "good sir... get yourself a nursing bra...."

sometimes i wish life was more literary like a choose-your-own-adventure. in a way it is, because we make choices every day that affect the course our lives. but sometimes i'm curious of what's on the other side of my choices. what if i'd done that instead of this, or hadn't walked home that way, or went to a certain dinner party, or shown up for something a day earlier. how would life unravel differently because of the small choices we make? it's pretty amazing to think about, but is also the sort of thing that shouldn't be dwelled on. it's pretty complex the way things come together all at once to form our state of being.

it's hot and i like it. this is my ideal summer weather.

you're where you should be all the time.

anonymous

the barbecue set itself on fire at our united way bbq today at lunch. it made for exciting times. we had to shut the door to the outside because if the smoke came inside it would've set off the fire alarm and we'd get a $1000 bill from the fire department for the false alarm.

i smiled, even though i tried not to. my face betrayed me. i fought my smirk, which only forced it out of my cheeks and eyes instead. funny how a secret can add a bounce to one's step or make the most mundane tasks enjoyable. it's silly and i know it, but i'm not one to deny myself simply pleasures.

i had a nap right after work. it was such a beautiful summer evening, with the sights and sounds of summer. so peaceful and restful i couldn't resist dozing off. when i finally rallied myself awake i sat reading out on my balcony with my two kitties in close proximity. it was lovely. i especially like it when friends pass by and we chat from balcony to car window. it makes me feel re-plugged.

i want to be the one to walk in the sun.

milky way

i watched. i gawked rather. i spied, it made me giggle and i blushed a little too. not bad for a view from my cube.

i wish i was more articulate. i think i accidentally offended him because i didn't have the ability to explain my perspective and he didn't have the ability to fill in the blanks. i feel badly. i wish i'd kept my big mouth shut. but what does it matter – to each their own. we're all different, there's no "best" way of doing it – living life. we all have to deal with what we are given, the circumstances we find ourselves in. no one can say it's better than the alternative, or that the alternative would be better. we just know what we know, we chew what we've bitten off, regardless of how big the bite is. i guess it's hard because i've only come to appreciate my state of being, to fully understand the value. it's probably immaturity that makes me spout off at the mouth. childish instincts make me ramble incoherently. i should remember that he was probably trying his best to justify his choices too, to tell himself he made the best possible decision. i should've just let him live in that, instead of point out the holes in his theory. in the end, i think we both lost. but on the other hand, i think we both win.

when i'm out walking
i strut my stuff
and i'm so strung out.

osap

jill is in town visiting the erbs, so i had her over for dinner. it was fun hanging out, although, i just realized that we hung out in the kitchen the entire time. i tend to do that when i have dinner guests, and forget that i have a fantastic living room just waiting to be sat in.

it was really nice to see her. i'd gotten so used to her company in peru that i almost feel more normal hanging out with her again. it was fun and we shared a bottle of wine that i'd been saving because i can't finish a whole bottle by myself (i'm a cheap drunk and wine makes me sleepy). it seems i have a problem with fruit flies, and we found two swimming around in the wine bottle after i opened it. i used a strainer to catch the flies when i poured our second glasses – i'm so classy.

i search myself; i want you to find me.

crooked

yesterday shannon, liz, and i went to the wolfe island music festival. it was BEAUTIFUL weather and we enjoyed the show a great deal. we particularly enjoyed winter gloves and busdriver. the sun was shining, the people watching was excellent, the music stellar. and shanno smoked her first cigar – i did not, i abstained from the smoking.

this year we decided to camp over night. it was our first time doing that, it was kind of complicated, but was a fun experience. we arrived early so we could set up the tent without missing out on the tunes. we borrowed todd & chelsea's tent, and it ended up being rather difficult to set up. there we were, three girls, in sundresses, attempting to pitch a tent. we eventually got it up, when a nearby onlooker checked in that we'd managed ok – i was a little annoyed that he only offered AFTER we were finished, i'm certain he timed it like that on purpose so he wouldn't have to actually do anything. there were another set of people nearby who i'm convinced were laughing at us – they were definitely laughing and were also looking. hmph. oh well, we conquered.

the campgrounds were in a baseball diamond and they turned on the field lights. it was so bright that it was like daytime, but everything beyond the field was pitchblack. it was bizarre. there were lots of people gathered at tents drinking and playing instruments. shan and i decided to hit the hay so we could get up to go to church the next morning :S it was really trippy. as we lied in our sleeping bags i said to shan "this feels like a bizarre dream. like, if i were to tell you 'shan, i had this crazy dream that we were sleeping in a baseball diamond in a bright sunny tent while we were surrounded by crowds of people playing bongos and guitars' it would seems like a totally nuts". bizarre situation. however, we slept well, except i'm pretty sure that some of the guys next to us would regularly shake our tent, i don't know why, but something was rustling our tent and it wasn't the wind.

our tent was weird, it looked inside out. but we DID set it up properly, it's just weird, like a skeleton.

alison lau was at church today. it was fantastic to see her, it's been several years! crazy how fast time passes. i miss her, but i'm excited for her that she got married and is doing cool things with her life. considering we didn't get to go out for a coffee or anything, we got caught up in the pews pretty easily :D

i had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee.

plastic/rapture

on the trek, there was a porter who brought along his guitar. upon nightfall (around 6 pm) until after we fell asleep he would play the same song over and over again without ceasing. when he woke up the next morning he'd be at it again. it made us all slightly mental. it was clear that he was trying to perfect that song for some reason, he probably would've played that song until his fingers bled. i suspect he's playing it right now. i understood where he was coming from. he spends all day walking the inca trail, carrying packs weighing 35 pounds on his back, all the while craving his guitar. at the end of his work day all he wants to do is play that guitar and squeeze as much playing time in before starting another day of walking. i am like him. i spend all day in my 8x8 blue cube, when i escape i want to cram as much living into my evening that it encroaches on my sleep. when in peru jill and i went to bed at reasonable times, sometimes even unreasonably early (probably because the sun sets so early there that it felt later). i slept well and woke at a decent hour. but since returning i've been sleep deprived, and wake-up tired & grumpy. i need to reform my sleeping habits.

while we're on the topic of things that porters brought along... i saw one guy with a toilet seat. it seemed funny at the time, but i realized later that it was because in peru most public washrooms (servicios higienicos – aka SS HH) don't have toliet seats. or toliet paper for that matter. in the pay baños (bathroom), patrons can't even flush their own toilets, instead the staff flush it for you. in some places they'll even turn on the tap at the sink for you. it was really trippy at first.

it feels funny being home. it's a bigger adjustment than i would've expected.

you're the sun who makes me shine.

gonzalez

every time i travel i discover myself a little more. it's as though all of me is there, deep inside, and when i travel, more of who i am is revealed.

while i was in peru i ate a guinea pig, i did a 4 day trek on foot, i went paragliding. things i'd never done before, things i'd never expected to do. but i did it, i succeed. i'm bolder than i thought, more fearless than i realized, more capable than i'd dreamt i was. am rather. it's a very empowering feeling.

i said to jill when we first arrived in cuzco how it's really neat that all one needs to do is decide to go to peru and then do it. it's as simple as that. i can do whatever i decide. the world is my oyster.

i feel invigorated. i don't know what's gonna happen next, i have dreams and hopes. there are some obstacles, but things will all pan out eventually.

oh how i love south america. oh shucks, i love every place i travel to. there's so many places to go! i'm majorly infatuated with travel. *sigh*

i think i've decided to become the thorn in my thorn's side.

all these places feel like home.

sopa

i have, as of yet, to tell you about lima. but an in depth entry about those 5 days will have to wait, because i have a different story to tell you.

lima doesn't have a metro system as most cities with 8 million+ residents do. to get around people either take mini buses or taxis. one in seven cars in lima are taxis. jill and i mostly took taxis, and got pretty good at it. we read in lonely planet the protocol... catching a taxi was quite easy, drivers were constantly slowing down and calling to us (bus drivers do this too, which is extra strange, one would think if someone was interested in the bus they'd be at a bus stop instead of walking down the sidewalk minding their own business. plus they usually don't require coaxing). basically, whenever we needed a taxi i'd just nod to one of the cabbies who were heckling us, he'd stop and we'd get in. lonely planet (or "the l.p." as we sometimes refer to it) told us to lock the doors upon getting in, and to ask the driver how much ("cuento questa?") because they don't use fare meters so it's important to ask in advance so they don't rip you off. we got very good at this, our only trouble is we're not well versed with spanish numbers, and sometimes had to converse among ourselves to figure out what they'd said.

anyways, on our last night we caught a cab to the airport. it was a pretty a-typical taxi ride. sweet 90s tunes playing on the radio, driver in his own private cage, car swearving in and out of traffic with no regard for lanes, no seatbelts in the backseat. as we approached the airport we stopped somewhat abruptly. we weren't sure what was happening, but noticed a policia man slowly approaching the car. they talked back and forth in spanish, and we figured out that he was pulled over for honking at a garbage truck. the cop made us follow behind him for a few blocks before he finally gave back the driver's id and we were on our way again. he was quite apologetic, but we found the whole situation quite amusing.

when we got into the cab, and we asked "cuento questa?" he told us 50 soles. that was a bit steep, considering we were expecting 30, MAYBE 40 soles, but whatever. i dug around in my wallet and i had 147 soles. i needed that hundred to pay the airport tax in order to leave the country, but i figured the airport tax would be about 90 soles, so i figured i could give him my 100 sole bill and get 50 in return then have enough. when i gave him the 100 he was searching around for change, this did not surprise us because it seemed every store/business in peru quite regularly didn't have change when we made purchases. but eventually he did find a 50, he gave it to me and left. as we walked towards the airport entrance i said to jill "it feels fake, it's so smooth..." we'd read earlier that fake bills are in broad circulation in peru and had learned a few tips to identify phonies. but it was dark, and we were focused on leaving so i just figured it was probably just a crisp new bill.

so we get in, get situated, check our bags, make our way to the airport tax area and get in line. when it's my turn i pass over my 96 soles and the guy starts to laugh, and talk in spanish. i say to him "what? what is it?" and he explains to me in english "it's a fake". then points to a portion of text on the back, printed as clear as day, that says "billete de la suerte alasitas" and tells me "it means 'lucky bill'" ah! i'd been scamed by the taxi driver! when i looked closer it was such an obvious fake that i could just kick myself, i knew it as soon as i felt it! argh!


so i brought it home. i'm going to frame it or laminate it or something. it will be my lucky bill. thankfully, i find it really funny. it's just 50 soles, which is worth less than 17 dollars, if it was 50 bux canadian i'd be pretty livid. this way i got a great story to tell and a few good laughs. so funny. as irony would have it, when we were at the luggage claim in toronto i found 7 soles in my pocket, which meant i COULD have given him just 50 soles instead of handing over my 100. jill made fun of me because i'm notorious for having money in oodles of different places at once. oh well.

oh man, i still have so much to say. i could just write and write and write. but i need to go to bed. i have work in the morning. work went surprisingly ok today. i'm determined to find a better way of dealing with this massive thorn in my side, it will not devour me.

i forget myself,
i want you to remind me.

boots

i'm home.

i have mixed feelings about this. i just love traveling so much that i hate that it's over. and it's kind of sad because i don't suspect that i'll ever get to go back to peru. that's a pure shame because the thought of that country makes my heart swell in my chest.

jill and i had quite an
adventure yesterday that i'm looking forward to telling you about, but i think i'll leave it til tomorrow. instead, i want to talk a little about my new bff (backpacking friend forever). jill is super, and i would travel with her again in a second. i felt we were very compatible travel companions, very much on the same wavelength and we had a lot of fun together. i actually already really miss her a lot, i'm so used to her almost constant presence that it's weird and a little sad to be alone again.

jill is so weird and great. she's fantastic at remembering lyrics and sings freely. one of my favourite memories of her is when we walked to the grocery store up the street from our hostel to get some chocolate. she played "i'm too sexy" on her ipod and made me listen to it with her as she danced and sang up the street. it was very fun.

we'd tag-teamed doing hard things – mostly asking questions in spanish, giving directions in spanish, etc. that's partly why i think we travel well together, that and neither of us are crazy drinkers or like to go out partying. although, we did go out one night for a pisco sour (the trademark drink of lima) and jill got a little extra tipsy, but that was fun so no worries :)

it quickly became apparent to me that jill is a person of influence in my life. one of people who can get me to do pretty much anything. she was always like "les... do (such and such) and i'll take a picture". she just about always succeeded – the only times i didn't comply was when it involved me lying in a puddle or climbing a tree when i was sore and tired.

i think there's something to be said about traveling with or living with people you don't know super well beforehand. it's really neat to get to know someone on the fly. and i liked that within the first week we were so comfortable with each other that we'd freely tell each other to shut-up. that being said, it was always in good fun, and we never had a tense moment of friction.

one funny mishap was when we were on the trek, karen asked us how we "met". her choice of words struck me odd, and i'm pretty sure that for a small period of time she mistook jill and i as a couple. it was quite funny, and i think we got that cleared up pretty fast.

jill's name seemed to trip up the spanish speakers. jair called her "lillian" a few times. i can understand why it would've been tricky for them, seeing as J's are usually pronounced as H's, and double L's make a Y sound. so really, for a spanish speaker her name would've been pronounced as hiyan :S

i'm very grateful for her easy-going nature. she was much faster than me on the trail, but she was very patient and didn't walk too far ahead of me. always watching out for me, and i really appreciate that a lot.

so, all this to say, that a huge reason why this peru trip was a success was because of the lovely jillian lauren.

thanks jill!! you're really sure awesome. and i think you deserve an award :D

my eyelashes catch my sweat
yes, they do
they do, they do, they do.

kabob

today, on our last day in lima, the sun came out. before coming to peru i checked the temperature, everyday it said "overcast and 18 degrees". i thought perhaps they neglected to update the weather, but it turns out it really is overcast every day. not in cuzco though, the sky was deep blue and cloudy there. regardless, we've had a great time in lima. the whole trip has been a fantastic success, and i'm so grateful and DON'T want to go back to work :S

ok, so more about the trek. i can't remember what i've said or not said. after my entry the other day i kept saying to jill "oh, i forgot to say this, or that", and now i can't remember...

as we walked the inca trail there were porters who would carry our supplies from camp to camp. these men were not only unbelievable in their speed (they'd leave camp after us, and arrive long before us), they also had to carry large packs on their backs - sometimes wearing a weightlifting belt, and other times the packs were just strapped onto them with fabric like a baby-sling. and to top it all off, the all mostly wore leather sandles!!!! they were unbelievable men. indigieous mostly, they all spoke spanish but they were obviously decendants of the inca and not the spanish. the peruvians of inca decent are all quite short, some of the women are seriously no larger than 4 foot tall. they also have darker skin than the spanish decendants. there is an obvious difference between the people who live in lima and the people who live in cuzco. the women in the highlands of cuzco mostly wore traditional garb, and had their hair tied back in long braids - like this. a lot of the porters were clothes only had of organic materials.

the view on the inca trail was unbelievable. the terrain changed as the days went by, from desert-like with cacti, then at the end of the trek we were in jungle surroundings with bamboo. it was very cool.

on our last day we arrived at machu picchu, coming in thru the sungate the inca city was deceivingly small. we were tired and dirty, and sadly lacked the energy to be as excited as meritted. walking for 4 days, up and down stairs had left us sore and exhausted. however, we enjoyed our tour of machu picchu. giant ear (jiar) guided us around explaining all the ruins, then we had an hour to waunder around on our own. the rest of our group bolted, and went with him to the closest town instead of revelling the beauty of the lost incan city. despite that, jill and i stuck around, we sat doing nothing for a long time, they walked around a little before catching the bus down the long winding road to join the rest of the group at the designated meeting spot. my only disappointment was that machu picchu was majorly packed with people (often has 1000 visitors a day, but we were there on a sunday which is the day that it's free for locals, so it was extra busy), and i forgot to do my sun-salutations as planned :S

we ate very well on the trek, and thankfully my bladder held-out and i didn't have to go as frequently as usual. we drank A LOT of tea, whatshisface the guide said that coca tea helps with the digestion.

anyways, i've tell you more in the coming days. we fly out tonight at midnight. we're gonna go hangout by the ocean again for a little while. and try to be inconspicuous - we don't like it when locals try to pressure us into taking surfing lessons.

ok, i'm off. see you all soon. i love peru, and i love being away from home and work, but it will be nice to see you all. much love.

i'm a model if you know what i mean.

psyching hawks

we survived.

we got back to cuzco yesterday after hiking thru the andes for 4 days. there are many words that describe the experience, some include... blood, sweat and snot.

i can say in all honesty, that the inca trail was the most difficult task i´ve ever put my body thru. it was very trying, but very rewarding. the first day was the easiest, but was by no means easy. we´d been told by our guide that day 2 was the hardest, and as we lied in our tent on the first night i feared the next day. i lied in the dark seriously asking myself what was i thinking, and what had i done by signing up. i didn´t say anything to jill, i didn´t want to upset her or burden her at all. so i prayed, i talked to God about all my fears and anxiety, and about my inability to meet the challenge ahead of me. i felt calmer after that, and when morning came i felt better. day 2 was just all climbing up, and with the altitude oxygen was scarce, plus there was a danger of getting altitude sickness (nausous, headaches, etc). we walked slowly, took frequent stops, listened to our ipods, and before we knew it we were at our first break. the rest of the day progressed similarly, and we quickly felt that it wasn´t as hard as we´d imagined, because we paced ourselves. i´d had visions of myself lying on the inca trail while weeping and vomitting, so i was quite relieved that i was managing ok. by the end of day two we were in good spirits, and managed the rest of the walk quite well.

how it worked was we basically walked for 2 hours, had a break, walked another 2, had lunch, walked 2, break, walked 2, end of day (tea time, followed by dinner) then in our tents sleeping by 8:30. along the way on days one and three we stopped at various old incan ruins while whats-his-face gave us a talk about the people who once lived there.

we had two guides. julio and whats-his-face. we would also sometimes call whats-his-face "julio´s friend" or "the other guy/guide". the funny thing is that "whats-his-face" was our main guide, while julio was just the sidekick and his role was just follow along at the end to make sure everyone was ok. whats-his-face did everything else, and inspite of our friendship with him, we actually went 4 days without knowing whats-his-faces" actual name. we´d sometimes ask someone, but they wouldn´t know either or we´d just forget because it was too hard to remember. on the 3rd night we lied in bed trying to come up with it, possibilities ranged from javier to jaffer to jhad to gerard, the list goes on. in the middle of the night i rolled over and said to jill... "jill? is his name.... j... jiar?" she said "yes! it is! it´s like giant ear, just without the nt". so that was our memory aid for the last day giant-ear = jiar! he was a really nice guy, funny, and fun. the only awkward part in our guide-guidee relationship was on the first night, while i was alone waiting for jill who was in the outhouse, he and i had a semi-lengthy conversation about whether or not i have a boyfriend, which ended with him telling me "you are a very special girl". hm, a bit of a conflict of interest.

there were 13 people in our group, 5 from norway, 4 from france, 2 from the usa, and jill & me from canada. the norwegians were hard-core hikers, the french didn´t speak much english, and we got to know the 2 from the states the best. they actually got engaged at the top of dead-woman´s pass (the highest point on the trek which is 13,830 ft above sea level), which is interesting because it was so freaking cold and wet up there at the time that it was snowing, but it makes for a neat memory.

during the trek our weather sucked. it rained almost every day, but cleared up a lot on the 3rd day, and was mostly dry on the 4th. that´s strange because it´s the dry season, but whats-his-face said the climate is changing and becoming unpredictable.

after spending 4 days with people who speak broken english our ability to speak our native tongue has disintegrated a little bit. it´s quite entertaining. actually, jill and i don´t lack entertainment, we were the most laughy people in our group and regularly had ourselves in stitches. she´s good company.

oh my goodness, i have so much more to say. but i´ve already extended my time on this computer 2 times, so i should wrap it up. more to come later for sure.

i really like peru. after returning to the city after the trek, jill and i feel quite at home here, we know our way around and have made friends who we saw in the square today. we´ve found a little cafe that we really like, and sat people-watching for a long time this afternoon. we leave for lima tomorrow, i´m both excited and a little sad to be moving on.

i brought you something close to me.

agua

well, jill and i are in peru. all has gone well. were staying at an incredibly beautiful hotel at the moment, and are about to catch a bus to a historical city called pisac. there is much to tell you, BUT i will be brief because jill wants to check her email on this computer when i´m finished, and this keyboard kind of sucks...

so instead i´ll give you a point form update...
- inca kola is this local pop that smells like bubble gum but is bright yellow
- cuzco is BEAUTIFUL, we´re in a valley and are surrounded by amazing mountains on each side
- my backpack weighs 35 lbs, but jill´s weighs 18
- there are stray dogs everywhere. they are really well behaved and just chill in the middle of the plaza de arms. yesterday i petted one, and it became friends with us. it followed us around for the next hour (sometimes embarrassing me by growling a sheep and dashing out onto the road into coming traffic). we walked up a big mountain to some inca ruins called saqsaywaman (pronounced as sexy woman), and saw a massive statue of jesus on the top. it was exhausting because of the shortage of oxygen and we had to stop frequently. our dog would patiently wait for us, and lie down beside us as we sat. when we headed back down the mountain we thought we´d lost her, but oddly enough, 2 or 3 hours later when we left our hotel for dinner, the dog showed up passing by our front door. seeing as we´re nowhere near the sexy woman, we can only assume she followed our scent. she hung out outside the restaurant for us, but we snuck past her as she ate some garbage. she´s a good puppy but had gotten into a fight with another dog and it scared us a little so we wanted to part ways with her. here´s hoping she won´t be out on the street as we leave today.
- on the way up the mountain a man gestured to me with his camera as he spoke in another language. thinking he wanted me to take his photo i said sure! however, the next thing i knew, he was passing the camera to his friend and he´d come and stood beside me and jill as the other man took his photo with us. it was so strange. PLUS, his friend switched spots with him and had his picture taken with us too.¨

we´ve been having a great time, and occassionally we remind ourselves that we´re in south america. CRAZY! wish you could see the view from here.

tomorrow we head out on the trek. i´m a little concerned that the shortage of oxygen will be a problem, but jill thinks we´ll be ok. we´ve been walking a lot, so our bodies are getting used to it.

hope all is well with you!

i have a perfect body, but sometimes i forget.

chapel

i'm all packed and ready to leave for peru. in an hour i'll call for a taxi and head out. i'll sleep in various locations in the next 48 hours, none of which will be a bed. it's ok, i had a nap earlier this evening. i'll spend the next hour trying to tidy up a little and writing up some instructions for my dad as he'll be in each day to feed the kitties.

my backpack is hefty. when i put it on, all i could think is "i'm truly a backpacker now". lifting it is the hardest part, but once it's on, it's fine and comfortable :D

i was thinking on my way to bren's for dinner tonight how strange it is that i'm going to south america. until i made my decision to visit all the continents, it wasn't on my radar. i never had an plans or desires to go there. it's not like there's anything wrong with S.A. but it's the continent i know the least about. i have regular contact (and always have – whether thru people or the media) with europe, asia, africa, australia, but almost never with south america. this makes it almost more exciting to go there, to get better acquainted with this unknown (to me) continent. i have a feeling it will be beautiful and world expanding.

i'm totally thrilled to be going with jill. it worked out so nicely, and i'm so glad she was available and interested in joining me in this adventure. i think we're going to have a lot of fun.

i'll be back on august 3rd, talk to you then!

you're on your way.

opal

oh man, i'm really sick. i have a terrible cold and it's draining me. the knickers was nagging at me this afternoon to buy some coldfx, but it's too expensive. she said "it doesn't matter, when you have a problem just throw money at it". SEE!?!? that's why i hate her advise, it's so contrary to my perspective on life. besides, this is coming from a woman who makes 3 times more than me AND has her husband's pension. thankfully i didn't have time to go to the drug store, so tomorrow i have a legitimate excuse.

tonight my family gathered to celebrate joelle's 6th birthday. it was fun. we ended up having this lengthy conversation about michael jackson where i found out that he wore a wig because of that fire that burned off all his hair in the 80s, and we discussed the possibility that he was castrated before he hit puberty – which would explain why his voice never changed and why he didn't father his own children. my mom's housemate doesn't believe he's dead. she thinks he's just in hiding. conspircy theories are weird. i remember watching a documentary on the lunar landing hoax, it almost had me convinced for a while. sometimes i get annoyed by people who are so skeptical of everything. sometimes things really are what they seem.

anyways, afterwards i brought joelle and caleb to my house to see my kitties and we played at the park across the street from my house. they're both very sweet. i liked having them in the car with me, caleb was quite the little talker, which was nice because he's sometimes really hard to get a word out of.

i'm really pooped. so i'm going to get into bed now.

when i go south again,
he'll be waiting at your door.

geocache

when i shake out my kitchen rug from my balcony i feel like a western european woman. in those moments, i perform a task shared by these women for generations. it's fabulous. it makes me shake that rag rug much longer than necessary because i want to extend the experience.

i was struck with a cold last night at the screening room. i feel really yucky, and almost feverish. the movie was great by the way. i'd forgotten that i'd heard an interview on the cbc with rachel weisz about it. it was fun and kind of novel.

you know what i find odd? every august i suddenly feel really motivated to work out and shed some pounds. i finally get restless in my body and want to do something about it. i do that until january when i get really bored of workingout and am finally satisfied with my weight. so i drop motivation. by spring i've quit the Y and coast (putting weight back on) until august. i kind of wish this cycle was altered a tiny bit, so i gained weight in the winter when it would be prudent to have some extra pounds, and lost weight in the spring. oh well. all i know is that i'm hitting the gym when i get back from south america. and that 4 day hike will serve me well too.

i love being sneaky with you. that i'm willing to take a roll of masking tape to peru because of you. that you will seek it and then find it.

find the man you want,
he's got all you need and more.

plot

i'm sneaking out to see the brothers bloom at the screening room. i've been waiting for it to come to town and this is my only chance. so i tried to work hard and get lots accomplished so i could go. i was very productive, and yet have still run out of time to type up the minutes :S

this week is going faster than i expected.

when the right time comes,
i'll be what you've grown to hate.

carpet

this morning my alarm clock didn't go off, and i finally clued in at 7:00 that something was wrong (tipped off by feeling so rested). apparently i set it for 6:10 pm instead of 6:10 am. that is EXACTLY why i've decided to take the 2 am bus to the airport on friday night instead of getting up early to catch the 6:30 am bus. because far too often i sleep thru my alarm, or set it incorrectly, or hit the snooze button too many times. it'll be ok. i'll take a nap after work, sleep on the bus, then sleep at the airport (i've done that before, so i know exactly where to plant myself).

this evening was my last yoga class until september. yogi master dennis is taking august off. i'll miss it. i secretly fantasize about doing yoga at machu picchu. i like the idea of doing "sun salutations" in the sacred valley while facing east.

i love book stores. i love browsing, and i love buying books. it's like finding a special stone on the beach. sometimes i wish i could buy a whole bunch at once, but that would be pointless and take away my opportunities for multiple visits to the book store. i love walking around surrounded by books. it's like a sea of potential. each book containing a tale true or not. it's so beautiful and so promising. books almost have an energy to them, or at least provoke excitement. oh how i love them. i want to read them all. i would love to design a book jacket some day. that would be wonderful.

you can stay if you want to,
but you can't sleep in my bed.

swing

today i did two things for the very first time.

1) i left the water running in the kitchen when i went into my bedroom, forgot about it, then the water overflowed all over the floor.

2) i preached.

i'd been feeling a little bit nervous, but i had a lot of people giving me encouragement, so by the time i arrived at next this morning i was fairly calm and ready. unfortunately, when tim pulled up my powerpoint presentation all my photos were missing. that is very odd, because i work with powerpoint at work all the time, and i've never had that problem before. the thing about that was, that as a graphic designer, THAT'S what's gonna get me flustered – i'm very perfectionistic about design stuff. i managed to scramble and find almost all of them. it turned out to be both good and bad – i was too preoccupied to get nervous, but also too preoccupied to chat with the people who had come to next specifically to see me. the butlers came, melissa, and both my parents. anyways, i'm very grateful that as i presented my sermon i felt really comfortable, i wasn't nervous at all. and i remembered to say everything i wanted, fairly articulately too :) i was pleased with how it went, and honestly found the whole experience positive. i really learned a lot. i THINK they'll eventually post it online, if they can get it working. i'll let you know when it's available in case you're listening.

afterwards melissa came with me to sunday lunch. when we first arrived my mom told me that she'd been weepy in the car on her drive home. i asked her why, and she started crying again. she said it was because i'd done so well with my sermon, and that she was so proud of me. she said that i'm everything she'd always hoped i'd be and she was just so thankful. that was very nice, and it made me cry a little bit too because i can't think of a better compliment coming from her.

when i got home, i laid on the couch for a while, just curled up with a smile on my face. i felt content and satisfied. it felt good to have that done, and i was pleased with how it turned out (didn't stumble, repeat myself unnecessarily, didn't forget anything). after that, i started packing for peru – onto my next adventure. things are going ok. i'm pretty good at cramming stuff in. as of right now i don't think my backpack is even half full yet. i found it odd and surprising that at mid-july i was digging in my closet for a pair of mitts and a toque to take on vacation with me. i can't believe it's less than a week now. exciting!

to claim the victory jesus won.

lookout

i sat on my balcony in the pouring rain. i was curled up in my camper chair, away from the wet. the sound on the awning above me was heavenly. the rain was heavy as lightening struck directly north of me, followed by it's corresponding thunder. it was beautiful. the whole time the sun shone strongly and boldly to my left. very beautiful.

in one week from now jill and i will be in miami getting ready to board a plane to south america. that makes me smile.

my mom and i went to the buskers this afternoon. i found that odd seeing as one of my two mom-related buskers memories is her saying she hates the buskers, and that she feels like it's evil. my other memory involves me dropping my ice cream cone on the ground. apparently her feeling about the buskers has changed, and as far as i'm concerned, this more tempered opinion of the buskers is more appropriate. anyways, there was one act where this guy had to catch this other guy while he fell head first towards the pavement before he hit ground. it was impressive, but what really struck me is that they made two attempts at it. the first time the altered it so he landed on his feet, the second time he fell head first as planned and the other guy caught him. i was quite amazed to see that the catcher was indeed truly afraid. which is legitimate – his friend would've been paralyzed or possibly killed. i like getting glimpses of people's humanity.

only God knows i'm trying my best,
but i'm just so tired of this loneliness.

stethoscope

they are all out there. and i'm right here.

i walked up princess street on my own. surrounded by the influx of suburbanites. i'm certain many of them only venture downtown during the buskers. i find it annoying. i sat in saigon delights eating dinner, trying to read by book, with a large loud middle-class family behind me. it was not as enjoyable as i had hoped/expected. sometimes living alone makes me extremely sensitized to volume, and kind of overwhelmed by unruly children.

on this beautiful summer evening i sat at my computer working on my powerpoint slides for my sermon on sunday. they turned out really nicely actually. when i was done, i tried to run thru my sermon again, only to get bored and tired halfway thru. i'll try again tomorrow. i worry that i'll be repetitive and that my segways will be weak. i find talking much harder than writing. i can articulate myself much better in writing.

there seems to be a missing element. something is missing. i don't know what it is. i don't think something is lost so much as it's simply absent.

is anyone interested in going raspberry picking and/or to see the new harry potter movie with me this coming week? i want to do both those things before my vacation. i'm even thinking about going to see hp on friday night before i take the bus to the airport at 2 am. lemme know.

need is always pending on how much you can get.

snap

i love that commercial where the guy calls in "tired" to work. i seriously wish being tired was a legitimate reason to miss a day. i would've made that call this morning. i was nauseous i was so tired. it seems to me that my internal clock has more than 24 hours. i wonder how long my days would be if i could sleep for as long as i want, work for as long as i want, and have as much free time as i want.

i should go. i'd be doing myself a massive favour if i was in bed on time.

i need to connect.

the only pain is to feel nothing at all.

heebeegeebees

eliane got fired yesterday. i've never met her before, but she does my job for another division just outside of montreal. my counterpart. when the knickers told me she seemed like she was trying to calm me or stop me from worrying frantically that i'd be next. as i've told you before, i don't really care. but she seems to assume my job is my everything, and the reality is SHE'S probably more alarmed by this than i am. i'm the last internal design in the communications department. as much as i don't think getting fired is the worst thing in the world, i feel badly for eliane. there's a lot of speculation left behind, and no dignity in it for her. she worked for the company for 20 years. there's no loyality in business. yet another reason not to sell your soul to your job.

i'm seriously starting to get vacation fever. my mind is slowly making an exodus and i'm not able to concentrate at work. i'm too buzzed and ready to go. only 10 more days! i'm looking forward to seeing jill, i want to give her a hi-ten. is that what they're called? hi-ten? like, two hi-fives at once.

i like that i'm slowly becoming a lending library. i'm tempted to buy a notebook to record who has what. i don't want to lose track of my book collection. apparently that would make for 6 notebooks that i have on the go. i had no idea i had so many different notebooks, but apparently i do. bren just made me one out of an old record album. it's very cool.

i'm somewhat particle to liking people who like me (by 'people' i really do mean 'people', not boys – although boys do count as people). i kind of hate that about myself, even though it's probably really natural. i mostly don't like how i don't like people who don't like me. i wish i could be more loving than that.

take my love in real small doses.

lasso

guess what mayelin and i did tonight?!?!?!

we went to treasure chest bingo! i'd never played bingo before (at least not at a fancy bingo hall), so it was quite exciting. similarly to my experience at the casino, i was fascinated by the people. there were some serious bingo players there – most had 5 to 8 dabbers on the go at once, some even had homemade carrier cases for said dabbers. it was amazing. unlike at the casino, it's quite hard to win. the other bingo players are fast, some of them had 3 sheets of 3 on the go at one time. but besides that, the chances to win are much slimmer than on the slots. it took me some time to get into the swing of things. we got a six-game pad, and there are 3 rounds on each pad. plus, we got the lightening round pad that contained 4 sheets with 3 rounds. not bad for 9 bux! i would totally go to a bingo hall on a first date. it would be hilarious. it's the kind of environment where that allows for conversation between games, and yet is still an amusing activity.

i like the city name "brussels" because it ends in an s. i like it because it's plural. are there any other cities that end in s's? i hope so, but i can't think of any.

i've started counting how many times in one day i see that word. so far today it's been six times. 6 TIMES! i'm being haunted!!! i liked it better when that word carried no significance, when it was simply a word.

sometimes you tell me what i already know.

i love the smell of skunk.

you're ever welcome with me any time you like.

trajectory

last night i woke up during the really bad thunderstorm. it was probably the worst thunderstorm i've ever heard. i laid there listening to the clashes of thunder. it was actually quite beautiful. i could hear the wind gusting, and what sounded like hail on my balcony. so i got up to look out the window. when i went back into my bedroom and got back into bed, a wave of aloneness hit me. i feel most alone in the night while in my single bed and i remember that no one thinks of me. sometimes in the darkness, when i'm all by myself, i feel like a little girl again and wonder how it is that i'm even allowed to live alone. how did i get to be a grown-up with a place of her own with no one to tuck me in at night. it's a surreal feeling. it's probably just the nighttime, the nighttime is surreal.

sometimes i wonder why i live alone. yes, housemates can sometimes be annoying, but even my cats – who are kind of like housemates – annoy me sometimes, like REALLY annoy me. having to learn to live with annoyance is part of life, part of relationships.

i wriggled appreciatively.

wizard

i finally got to go strawberry picking!!

beck and i went up to her cottage this weekend, and managed to make it to a strawberry place up near ardoch that was open. the strawberries were small, and sparse, but we managed to get almost a whole basket.

this afternoon i took my canoe chair and sat in the grass across the street from my house. the sun was warm and my chair was cozy. i sat writing my sermon for an hour and a half. it was a beautiful afternoon and i so enjoyed sitting in the grass.

err... yes... i'm preaching next sunday :S it's my first sermon ever. my initial reaction when asked was "no way", but then i thought "it's something i've never done before, so maybe i should try it". so i agreed. i've actually quite enjoyed thinking about the topic, hashing it out in my brain. i'm the kind of person who needs something to challenge my mind or else i get worked up about trivial matters. i didn't really plan to write it all out, but i ended up finding that the easiest way to sort out my thoughts. i wanted to organize it so that it went from A to B to C to D, instead of leaving it scattered like a game of pick-up sticks. i feel ok about it. i do hope it goes well.

i read a great line in my book this week (i'm reading 'the fifth business' by robertson davies)....
"i was afraid and i didn't know what i feared, which is the worst kind of fear". man, i love words. i love lyrics. i know when a song or book is well written when i wish i'd written it.

i should get into bed but i've just started putting together a photo album on facebook :S

i can't help but wonder what's gone wrong.

robo-boogie

i'd like to join a book club.
does anyone know of one in ktown that i'd be able to join?
i don't know how people join book clubs, but i think it would be fun and good.
i like books.
i like talking.
i like talking about books.
i like talking about books with people.
i like talking with people.
i like people.

the book of right-on's right-on,
it was right-on.

bixi

i love love love montreal.
and i love david too. so i consider myself quite lucky to have enjoyed the pleasure of two of my favourite things at once.

i drove straight from work, traffic was quite good until i was almost at david's place – then i got stuck for quite a while. on the way there i tried to go fast, but not too fast that i'd get a ticket. as i drove i tried to come up with the most creative excuse to give a cop if i was presented with an opportunity. i figured no matter what i say it won't make a difference, so i might as well give him something of a story ("one time, this girl told me...."). so far i haven't come up with anything....

david lives in a great neighbourhood (he's just there for a couple more weeks, it was a 2 month sojourn), and as i drove there i noticed how livable montreal is. no major congested traffic, lots of trees, houses not apartments, everything close by. if i have to leave kingston someday, i'm hoping i'll end up in montreal. if i move to either toronto or ottawa i would be seriously disappointed, because they don't hold a candle to montreal.

he took me out to o.noir for dinner. it's a restaurant where the staff are all blind (which is great because blind people struggle to find gainful employment) and the patrons eat in the dark. how it works is when you arrive you are given a locker for your belongings, you order from the menu, then your waiter comes to get you. we lined up like a row of elephants, waiter first, david second with his left hand on the waiters left shoulder, then me last with my left hand on david's left shoulder (and my right hand in david's right hand – it's a little nerve wracking). the server was very kind and helpful, actually i'd even go so far as to say "supportive". everytime he came to our table he asked how we were doing, and i'm pretty sure it was to make sure we were not having panic attacks. the room was COMPLETELY BLACK. i've NEVER seen such darkness before. it was AMAZING! almost immediately i noticed that david's watch had a slight glow and i asked him to put it in his pocket because my eyes were fixated on it because it was the ONLY thing i could see. we hunched over the table, trying to get our barrings. our first course was an avocado salad that we shared, and eventually ate with our fingers. our second course was steak, potatoes and asparagus (everything came precut). as we ate we talked and laughed in regular david+lesley fashion, but there was something about the dark that reminded me of pillowtalk or a sleepover – when people are unguarded. after a while i just sat with my eyes closed because there was just no point to having them open, the sensation was the same just without the "effort" of keeping my eyes open. we had dessert too. the thing i liked about the darkness was that i only ate until i was full and not until my plate was empty. after going back into the light it took some time for our eyes to adjust, and i felt a little dizzy. it was really fun.

afterwards we headed down to the jazz festival that just opened that day, because stevie wonder was giving a free concert in the street. it seemed really appropriate having just eaten at o.noir, it was easier to imagine how stevie experiences the world. we called it our "blind date" :D

it started to rain so we went back to his house where we sat talking for a couple hours, he's living with some mcgill students, but they were no were to be seen. around 1:30 or 2 we headed out to get a cup of tea from his neighbourhood second cup then we walked thru "the plateau" to his favourite park. the streets were full of people. it was fun. we eventually went to bed at around 3:30.

the next morning we got up around 11:30, and headed down to old port for "breakfast". we went to this really awesome restaurant (i don't remember what it's called) that's outside in an old gutted building. it was beautiful, and the food was so tastey.

here's a picture of my gorgeous friend david in the anonymous restaurant.

we hung out the rest of the day in old port. there was a lot going on down there, which surprised me because i didn't expect montrealers to be into canada day. there were a ton of events and people, which was cool because i enjoy a crowd. d and i like people watching, so it suited us nicely. there were parachuters, michael jackson dancing lessons, etc. i was feeling like a bit of an exhibitionist so i suggested we go on a horse+buggy ride. it was fun, except our guide talked a LOT and kept trying to pick up women as we rode around. before heading up to the village we walked up the clock-tower (which was apparently built to rival london's big ben, which we thought was a very shabby attempt, because compared to big ben it was kind of lame – although there was a nice breeze at the top and i liked the graffiti).

on the buggy...
(notice my skull+cross bones shirt??)

we headed up to the village to get a drink at starbucks. i didn't go there last time, i felt i should go with someone who belonged or else i'd feel like a spy or like i was gawking at them having gone there as a tourist. we got root beers, and after we sat down found it was too hot so decided to walk up the street a little. as we stroled i commented to david that our root beers totally looked like regular beers, and sure enough about 10 minutes later i was approached by a cop and had to explain to him i was not drinking in public. we sat down for a good ten minutes, and when i was ready to go i reached for my bag to discover it was GONE! my head was spinning. where had i left it?!?!? who had pinched it!?!?! i tried to not freak-out and comforted myself with the fact that i'd left my car keys at david's place, so at the very least i could get home. david ran back to starbucks and THANKFULLY(!) it was still there. PHEW!!!

the village was an interesting place. full of lots of different kinds of people, and most definitely had more men than women. there was an art installation that included laundry hanging from wires, it was really cool, it went down the street for as far as the eye could see. while we headed back to the nearest metro station, i crossed paths with michel (!) my coworker who i hungout with while i was there last year. i'm a huge fan of michel, so it was very cool to bump into him. i'd told him i was going to be there, so he wasn't that surprised to see me. it's still funny that in ALL of montreal i bumped into him, BUT it WAS the village so that does increase the likeliness, it's kind of his neck of the woods.


anyways, it was a really fun 24 hours. i didn't clock-watch at all, i was just enjoying myself so much that i decided i'd leave when i was ready. if i got home late i got home late. i actually did leave at a decent time (7:30), and david made me a sandwich for the road (he's so great), but unfortunately, on my way out of the city i got stuck in bad traffic again. i eventually noticed that it was just my lane that was going SUPER slow, the two closest to me were going slow but not crawling. every other directions were moving nicely, so i knew that wasn't typical for montreal. it turned out we were delayed because of a really big puddle. kind of annoying, but if i knew the city better i probably could have avoided sitting there for 45 minutes :S

well... this was a super long entry. but everything mentioned was important to me for one reason or another.

could this be true?
it all comes down to you.

blind date

i had an indescribably good time in montreal.