supercontinental

i've noticed lately that i've been missing a real sense of restfulness. that's probably the thing i miss most from mat leave. i'd already starting thinking on ways to incorporate rest back into my life when my mom made a comment about her own life "i've become a real slave to my lists. i'm trying to go off list more often". i've too have been using lists a lot lately, in an attempt to help me be productive and effective with my non-work time. but i can see how i'm becoming too rigid and disapproving of myself for napping and doing other restful things. so enough of that. time to find more balance.

delightful

today might have been the first time i've felt like myself all winter. it was my half day today, which allowed me to have a visit with my mom, pick up some lunch on the way home, eat lunch with brendan, have some nice momma+baby time while putting éamon to sleep for his nap, followed by a couple hours of reading on the couch. i had another quick visit with brendan while he came home between the end of work and an evening staff meeting, went for a walk with éamon, picked up a few items from a few stores, grabbed a latte from DT, and had some delicious leftovers for dinner. all the while feeling positive and mentally-healthy.

heathrow

just booked our trip to the UK! we wanted to go in may, but everyone at work had already booked their vacation in may and the end of april. so we're going in early april (5ish weeks!). that'll come fast. so we're suddenly in vacation planning mode :) it's a little stressful but i'll be fun.

taxes

sometimes i'm not great with my spare time. it's unusual for me to have a sunday where we don't have anything on. an unfortunately, i found that i didn't really know what to do with myself. sad really. i think it was partly the weather, and partly that it took éamon two hours to fall asleep for his nap, so i did my free-time activities while he was still awake.

i guess that just happens. sometimes i just get restless and can't identify what it is that would that i should do.

delicious

brendan and i went out for a fancy dinner at chien noir tonight. it's been a while since we had a real date with really good food, so we decided pick a night and go. shannon was able to babysit for us, and it sounds like they had a nice time together. and we had a nice time just the two of us. so a good time was had by all :)

plaid

today was the last day of 90s week on cbc radio 2. i'm going to miss it. before dating brendan, i wouldn't have said i had any kind of affection for the 90s. but it's something he identified about me early on, and i think he might be right.

pilgrimages

yesterday, i was thinking about the time we watched the inks trail, and it rained so jill ended up purchasing a children's size poncho from a local family who lived a long the trail. it made me laugh and smile to think about it.

(after i right this, i'm gonna) sit down (and avoid getting up again)

i am 10 out of 10 tired. today, for the first time since 2013, i consciously felt rushed. this sense of 'i have too little time and too many things i want to do' that seemed endless and unavoidable. that might be the thing i miss most about mat leave. not being rushed, making up for lack of time. at least i saved time by not being online. i feel very immersed in a challenging scenario these days. while i haven't exactly been hiding it, i've felt embarrassed because i don't want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me. i actually think it's more brendan's absence than having a busy toddler (or at least his absence on top of the busy todder). he usually does all the cooking, freeing me up for other things. this afternoon i asked myself "why is this so hard for me? i only have one kid to deal with", but i shouldn't forget that my job consumes the energy of parenting another kid, but the grown-adult babies there are less cute.

just as i arrived at artillery park with éamon today for a swim, i realized that i forgot my wallet at home. i was already exhausted and emotionally worn, and the thought of going home to retrieve it was causing me to reconsider the outing all together. but just then, al walked thru the doors, and he gave me the money i needed. that was a huge help. exactly what i needed in that moment.

what did i know

you know what? i've concluded that one of my most incorrect assumptions as a kid was to think my parents were complete stories. what i mean is, i just assumed they knew everything they were going to know, their believes and views were set, even that their preferences, hobbies and behaviours would never change. i think that's a false assumption about anyone. because we all change and adapt, throughout our lives.

curve

highlight of my day: taking a walk in the sun and hearing éamon "singing" in the stroller as we walked.

lowlight of my day: when the glass dish i was reheating my supper in fell on the ground and broke.

biggest surprise: when i was able to throw together a substitute supper in 15 minutes that turned out super tasty.

cooky

i think it might be time to start growing my hair out.

the problem is that i think i'm going to be disappointed in the outcome.

i wish my hair was thick and full with lots of texture in it.

i wonder if it'll get more coarse as i get older. i've heard before that grey hair is quite wiry.

partly why i'm leaning towards growing it out is because i liked my last haircut so much that i don't want to risk not liking my next one.

breather

before i had a kid, i never had thoughts or made statements like "when i have kids, they won't [this] or they will [that]". partly because one can never know what their kid will do or not do. but i did have hopes or expectations of myself – i think these expectations of myself were more subconscious than anything else. things like "i would this or that". mostly that i wouldn't succumb to certain emotions. but i've been finding lately that my emotions are rather raw and close to the surface. that my tolerance for things like food flinging is very low. it doesn't help that i'm solo-parenting 3 to 4 evenings a week now with brendan's new work schedule so there is very little to balance out my environment. i know well enough that things will even out in time, and that parenting a small child doesn't bring the best out in people. but i want to find a way to navigate this stage with joyfulness and gentleness.

trimming

during the lenten season i'm reducing my computer and internet time. i'm shutting my computer down at 9:30 to allow for some screen-free time before bed and only checking my gmail and facebook once or twice a day (time permitting – and by time i mean éamon. or rather i mean éamon-free time). often times i shut down and then remember that i forgot to jot a short entry. so there will more days of doubling-up, because i'm working towards one little excerpt for each day this year.

trains, trains and trains

this might be hard to believe, but today i edited my very first wikipedia page. it was actually more tricky than i expected and it wasn't very instinctive, but i eventually got the hang of it. my article did get reverted several times before i finally figured out what's allowed and what isn't.

it's extremely satisfying to take something that is poorly written and inaccurate and turn it into something with a better structure and is correct.

cherry blossom

éamon and i went out for a walk to do errands this afternoon. i thought it would take 30-40 minutes but it took an hour. i enjoyed myself. it's been a while, in fact it feels like a long while, since we did errands by foot. i'm looking forward to warmer days, blue skies and sunshine. 

mornings

they say you shouldn't use the snooze button because it messes with your sleep cycles. i don't tend to fall asleep again, i just like to lie in bed all cozy-like just a little longer. 

winter walk

i feel a little bit like i might be having a delayed quarter-life crisis. just wondering a lot about what life's all about, being keenly aware that i'm getting older, etc etc. this is interesting to me that it took til my mid-30s before it kicked in. maybe this is my quarter life and i'll live an unusually long time :p

nothing to worry about. just chewing the fat. thinking things over. david and sue are always talking about life as thirds. i suppose i've still fairly recently started my 2nd third.

ambassador

it may be possible that a sauna is the best antidote to this cold, cold weather.

burnt

i think the fashion design world could learn a lot from maternity clothes. i bought an ingenious pair of cords yesterday from value village. they're actually by reitmans – for their "comfort" line. instead of a zipper and button, they just have a nice, flattering elastic waist, similar to yoga pants or maternity pants, which are both comfortable and don't cause bulges or bumps. i'd gone looking for a pair of light grey cords, but left with these charcoal cords (even though they're almost black and i already have black cords) because they were comfortable and made my butt look good :p i don't know about you, but i find that grey is more casual than black, so i think i'll still plenty of use out of them – try to stop me! they're so comfy and flattering! like liz lemon's jeans (brendan will get that reference if nobody else does).

cupid

it 100% did not occur to me that éamon's classmates would give valentine's cards. sometimes kid-culture has as steep of a learning curve as parenting.

chilly

in another time in my life, going out to a coffee shop to hang out with acquaintances/new friends would've been just a normal thursday night. but being somewhat out of practice with that social custom, i feel really proud of myself this evening. sometimes i have to push myself to not give into the magnetism of an introverted evening at home, because those aren't always what they're cracked up to be –  often times they're just easier. i suppose that doing nothing is ALWAYS easier than doing something. anyway, i gave myself a push tonight, and i'm glad :)

lately i've been noticing that i'm starting to look older than i did.

snip

i've spent a lot of time thinking about éamon's hair. similarly how i'd debate back and forth about my own, i've been caught between should i be trying to shape it or i should just let it grow. i've been wanting to grow it like a surfer dude, but it's just not naturally going that way. also like my own, his hair is flat and limp with almost no natural wave. the top layer seems to be the longest and makes it all sag like a mop-top. in addition to all this, he has two crowns that go in opposite directions, so i thought if he had longer hair it would lie down properly – which has been kind of true. at least true in theory, but not quite as true in reality.

anyways, i tried to give his hair a trim this evening, and it went really badly. i kept cutting in hopes that it might improve if i took a little off here or a little off there, but it just got worse. after consulting with rach, i decided to take him to a hairdresser for a proper cut. it was kind of disappointing to see his long hair be snipped away since getting shorter is the opposite of what i want, but i'm hoping now that he has real layers it will grow in like a surfer dude. i'm sure it will grow fast. it is pretty cute, and i also kind of like the part that sticks up from the double crown.

he did pretty well, but did start crying a lot near the end. she needed to use clippers to hide my hack job. and he's startled by mechanical sounds. all this happened while brendan was at work, so he was quite surprised and a little sad to come home and discover éamon had his first haircut without him.

tissues

i've never been much of a crier. i usually only cry from happy things. but lately, cheesy things shared on facebook (ie women getting new tattoo to cover their old prison tattoos they're ashamed of) makes me all teary-eyed. sheesh! it's embarrassing! brendan came into the room today and asked "what are you watching?" and i had to explain this chinese commerical about this dad working hard to provide for his daughter, and ended up crying again as i re-told it.

i don't know if it's hormones, or if having a kid has softened my outer layer.

i wish that instead of jeans day, we had sweatpants day at work. i'd pay up to $5 for sweatpants day – jeans day costs $2.

pantry

i've started noticing that brendan and i don't really do anything on saturdays anymore. at first i felt like i should feel guilty about missing out on stuff, but i've changed my mind. it's just our life stage. we like to accommodate éamon's naps because we really value the 3 hours of free time at home to get things done or even to do nothing without juggling a busy toddler at the same time. it's like a free time oasis, and it's hard to pass that up.

i think understanding and embracing each life stage helps one appreciate them more. i know we'll once again take advantage of the variety of weekend activities available to us, someday.

OH, MAN!

i had the BEST night's sleep. éamon slept straight through and didn't wake once to nurse. i don't remember when he did that last. lately he's been waiting A LOT (~3 to 5 times a night). i'm so pleased. i could get used to this. 

it's really quite amazing the difference uninterrupted sleep makes. i even woke minutes BEFORE my alarm. 

well... i'm pumped. this is a great start to the day – any day really. 

hope you're having a good morning too!

it's the little things

well, a day of wrestling with the layout of a new brochure gave me victory over spatial challenges once again. HOORAY! #ineededthat

i think i'll mope the rest of the evening

today i failed to get the most out of limited space and it's super disappointing. usually when i make modifications or changes there's a great improvement. this time, it's a worst (or at best a lateral) change.

arches

my feet are bigger than they used to be, or should i say wider. i've heard before that ones feet continues to grow. but i don't think it's just that. my feet swelled up so much during pregnancy, and after that i continued wearing only flipflops for the better part of a year, followed by birks. so all this to say, my old slip-on winter boots do NOT fit anymore.

granola bars

since i was pregnant, i've been saying that éamon's first chore will be feeding the cats. i forgot about it, until saturday. when i watched éamon go over to the tin where we keep the cat food, take a handful and walk over to dump the kibble into the bowl. ever since he's been super into filling their bowls. i like to encourage him by not discouraging him.

today, he got very resourceful (in general, he's showing signs of being particularly crafty and resourceful #toosmartforhismomma) when he took one of the empty bowls, took it to the cat food tin, scooped up the food, then dumped it in the other empty bowl. as much as i'm not ready to have him in and at everything, i really admire his ingenuity :p

back-up

it seems i skipped saturday...

ok. let me think.

have you ever looked forward to something so much that it just couldn't realistically live up to you hopes?

that happened to me on saturday.

$16

do they still make lime tostitos?
i hope they don't. i have a personal bias against them, and i would feel smugly satisfied if they were discontinued.

associations

i don't really notice if someone or something has a distinct scent until i come across that scent out of context. i remember being in an airport en route home from africa and finding that my clothes smelled like kenya. i also didn't realize that éamon's daycare has a distinct scent until i smelled it on his clothes when he got home. today at work, someone smelled like bren. i don't know who it was, but i'd get a whiff of it from time to time and she'd pop into my head. if i had to describe it i'd say that bren smells a little like a subtle laundry detergent and sweet celery. it's a nice smell.

flashback

i recently joined twitter (it's a long story, but it's for work). i follow lonely planet. they have some really neat things on there. today they posted a picture of a dinosaur skeleton with a link to a new story. when i saw that pic, i thought "where is that? i've been there". and could remember a photo of me as a kid beside that dinosaur. so i clicked the link and found that it was in a museum in london. i don't remember the museum by name, but i did go to london as a kid, so we must have gone to that museum. neat!

wednesday wednesday

i heard something interesting on cbc radio yesterday. apparently, one of the differences between being successful or not in different ventures or activities is the word 'yet'. i'm not good at math.... yet. i'm can't sew... yet. i haven't found a job... yet. this makes perfect sense! sometimes it takes time to learn or achieve things, and if we stop short of 'yet', then we're limiting ourselves or giving up. i don't like to be pigeon-holed by traits. they become self-fulfilling prophecies. and i think this it also true of our abilities.

calvin park

after a lot of thought, i'm feeling a lot more peaceful about future stuff.

it's been a long day and i'm exhausted. this evening, we went to the library and i left éamon in my dad's care while i used the washroom. from inside the stall, i could hear his little voice in the lobby by the doors. last week he discovered that the automatic doors open if you walk close to them and found that super fun. i had a sneaking suspicion that my dad was not with him, and was worried he might go outside. so i hurried and sure enough, i found him alone. when i took him back to the play area, my dad was surprised to see him with me and said "i thought he was over there!" (pointing the opposite direction from where we came from). *exhale* i'm just glad he didn't walk out the front door by himself :S

mental forks

i just finished my first crocheted tomato. i think it's a little too red. but what can you do?! i was trying to use yarn i already had. i suppose tomatoes come in a variety of shades.

it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster today as i thought more about my future career. i find decisions about the future hard because it's impossible to predict undesirable external factors. i actually found the decision to have a baby EXTREMELY difficult. i knew i wanted to have a baby someday. and brendan and i discussed it at length. we were in agreement about having kids. but i was all torn up about when was the right time to start trying. brendan was more like "whatever", but i was constantly thinking "what if [THIS], what if [THAT]". and in hindsight, the timing worked out great. but at the time i actually felt it would be easier to deal with an unexpected pregnancy than to have to own that decision for myself. there have been times that i've hoped that someday i'll get laid off because at least then i wouldn't have to decide for myself.

i don't know why i've been thinking about this so much lately, but i suspect the fact that brendan started a new job today plays a role. if he still wasn't working i'd accept my lot in life much easier. plus, we seem to take turns working :p

pros/cons

i've been thinking a lot this weekend about careers. specifically about what i want to get out of mine. i'm not 100% sure how i feel about judging things based on imagined death-bed reflections, BUT when i imagine my future, i suspect that i'll feel more positive about life lived for others than a life lived for a corporation. now, i don't want to be hard on my corporation, because i think it in particular has some good and redeeming traits. AND i'm inclined to believe that anything done well has value. plus, my corporation has been good to me, and allowed many great opportunities.

all this said, i've been thinking back to my mat leave, about my strong desire to pursue a caring field (such as a non-medical role in the medicine field). i feel some reluctance because "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know", plus i'm not much of a gambler when it comes to big life decisions. but there are thoughts in my head. and i think they're worth considering and perhaps even worth planning for. not specific plans, just leaving some wiggle room in our future and positioning ourselves for possibilities down the road.

it was my turn

this morning i slept in til 10:30.

it was great.

friday, friday, what to say about friday...

highlights: knowing i was heading into a weekend, the daycare ladies giving me a proper update about éamon's day, picking up some new crochet hooks to make some wool vegetables, and a visit with rach.

lowlights: a slow day at work, in general feeling discouraged about work, and experiencing a touch of seasonal affectiveness disorder.

the same/different.

sometimes i still cry at work.

but now, when i cry, the people around me can see and hear me through the glass partition.

and now when i cry, it's because i'm having a bad day and i just want to be home with my boy. i already miss him, but it just makes it worse.

now when i cry, i wonder "why am i doing this?"

and now when i cry, it's because i feel like i'm trying to figure out a stupid mystery by retracing invisible steps.

now when i cry, i don't even care. i'm just going to keep my head down and go through the motions.

telling myself that "i'm good at my job even if i don't feel that way" is not consoling anymore. and i just want to hear some one say that i'm succeeding at the important job of caring for another human being.

it's hard because i want to just be at home, but i know that if i was at home all the time i wouldn't find it fulfilling. i guess it was just an off day.

in the cellar we call a basement

yet another wednesday of CRAZY productivity. our basement has been in serious need of reorganization. i went down there a couple weeks ago thinking i'd use éamon's nap time as a chance to tackle it, but was quickly overwhelmed. today on the other hand, i just started by moving a few things here and there, and before i knew it it was drastically improved. i even found a box from our 2011 move that wasn't opened yet. i know that they say if you don't open a box for 6 months after you move than you probably don't need what's in it, but i find when i open old boxes i think "HEY! i was wondering what happened to this...". there's still work to be done, boxes to go through, things to move around, but i'll do that next week. and in the meantime, things are greatly improved. i like going down there just to see how orderly it is.

after that, i woke up éamon from his 3 hour nap and took him to artillery park for a swim. it was lovely. i'm looking forward to swimming every wednesday with him. it reminds me of mat leave.

i have a sneaking suspicion that i'll live the rest of my life trying to recreate my mat leave experience.

ironically

in keeping with the comedy of brendan's job situation (technically having three jobs at the moment), he was contacted this evening to interview for a job he applied to in september! hilarious. why do these things happen!?!?! he's going to decline it.

i haven't mentioned this lately, so i feel that i should. i'm really enjoying my book 'the women's room'. it's exactly what i was looking for – a story about women. all the details of their lives, and what makes them all unique and different. it's almost comical that there's no other book like this, because it's almost exactly my experience of women – they're everyday, ordinary lives, their struggles, disappointments, small pleasures. it just goes to show that regular, everyday women are not considered interesting subjects by society, or at least publishers. i think they're wrong.

never knew we were living in the beautiful wild.

chocolate time

i've implemented a mid-afternoon chocolate time. my dad gave me a terry's chocolate orange for christmas, and everyday at 2:00 i eat two slices. it's been lasting a while. i look forward to chocolate time with great anticipation and keep an eye on my watch looking out for it. i discovered today that if i bite small amounts, then suck on the chocolate than it lasts way longer and the chocolate melts in the most delicious way. 

chocolate time might be my highlight of my work day. or at least it's a bright spot that i look forward to on slow, winter afternoons.

crunch

today i was feeling kind of antsy to rearrange some furniture while éamon had a nap. i felt it would give me a bit of freshness during this mid-winter season. but sadly, when i looked at all our rooms, i felt that i've already achieved the ideal arrangement, and any changes i made would be the opposite of an improvement. an unimprovement. a disimprovement. or whatever. so i went for a walk and bought some socks at trailhead for 15% off.

in my spare time today, i actually put on some music and did a crossword* puzzle! it was nice. it's probably been over a decade since i did a crossword puzzle at home. i usually do them while on vacation.

*when i say crossword, i mean a "fill-in". i just say crossword because it has words that cross. and because fill-in just sounds weird – it's too much of a verb to be a noun.

exercise

i'm glad that tomorrow is supposed to be relatively mild because i think i could use some quality outdoors time. today i've been feeling discouraged and overwhelmed with general negative thinking. i heard today that gratitude is proven to make people happier, so while sitting on the couch with b, we took turns saying things we were grateful for. while it was interesting and probably a good practice, it didn't suddenly give me an influx of hope and optimism. all that said, i think i need some good endorphins to chase away some winter blahs.

#lastnight

it always feels like a waste of a friday night when i fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 :S

wet socks

well... i am 10/10 disappointed about target closing. it's my favourite place to buy pajamas and underwear and other general purpose things like that. not only do i like the selection and the prices, i also find the store atmosphere nice and i like the carts. how can i go back to my pre-target days!?!?!

lately éamon cries a lot and wants to be held almost all the time. he even cries when i'm holding him. it's challenging because he cries regardless of what i do. i feel as though he's having some separation anxiety, or simply feeling he's not getting enough time with me, so wants to be held more than usual. or maybe he's just bored. i don't know. this too shall pass. i'll just try to address his needs knowing that he'll gain independence when he feels his needs are met.

still

i had a ridiculously productive afternoon while éamon napped. now that brendan has a job (last day, jan 23. first day of replacement job, jan 26), i have my wednesday afternoons to myself, which means i get a lot more done.

starting next week my boy and i are going to go swimming in the late afternoons on wednesdays. but today we couldn't because we went to meet tiny baby tala :) it was just a short visit because the midwife arrived for a check-up. i have so many questions. i just want to know everything they're thinking and feeling about this new adventure.

it's official!

brendan got the job!! :D :D :D

he is now a new full time facilities support worker at the john howard society in kingston.

he's going to give his notice at the other job tomorrow.

he's currently at his third job (which he'll keep for the time being), so we're going to celebrate tomorrow.

target

i almost never buy new clothes. instead i get previously-enjoyed clothes from thrift stores. so it felt counter intuitive to buy a sweater at target the other day (even though it was 50% off). it's a nice sweater for several reasons, but my favourite thing about it is how long it is. almost none of my sweaters are long enough to be comfortable, and i've kind of resigned myself to the fact that it's hard to find long shirt. but this sweater is an ideal length (goes down past my pockets), and it doesn't feel like a big production with lots of layers to wear. this might completely revolutionize my closet. no more and i tolerating waist-length 'tops'.

brendan finds it strange, even annoying, that women call then 'tops'. i tell him "they're called 'tops' because they're worn on our top", but this rationale does not convince him.

morning star

brendan, shannon, andrew and i went to see 'selma' at a matinee this afternoon. it was really well done, and i can honestly say, i've never cried so much during a movie. it felt really timely.

some of my favourite days are when someone i know has a baby (i was gonna say "some of my favourite days are the ones when babies are born", but then realized that's everyday and i specifically mean babies born to people i know). there's something special and hopeful about the arrival of a new baby.

sack of potatoes

now that it's undeniably winter, i find the nights cold and have been taking a hot water bottle to bed with me. nothing else warms me up.

éamon is an enjoyable little boy, but he's SO busy these days. i usually really like taking him on errands, but today he had me run ragged. he's getting heavy, and every time i put him down he was either running off or grabbing at breakable things. it's an adjustment. 

doormat

there was a significant snow storm during my early morning commute to work.it reminded me of the time that we drove to north bay in a winter storm. considering the road conditions were far from ideal this morning, i wasn't troubled by it in the least. i actually found it quite beautiful. i just took my time and even stopped to get gas (marveling that i didn't think it was possible to fill up my entire gas tank for $38 – amazing!).

brendan had a second interview today for his dream job. things are looking promising.

swimming

sometimes marriage is laughing at your partner's misfortune.

brendan is, in a word, quirky. and some of his quirks amuse me a great deal. i had a good laugh when he told me about his day at work. in his distress he didn't find it as humorous as i did at first, but eventually he cracked a smile and could admit it was pretty funny.

i guess that's what marriage is too. helping one another not take life too seriously sometimes.

a new year's lets-see-what-happens

i usually really like setting new year's goals, but i don't think i'll bother this year. in 2014, i developed two good habits (flossing daily, and doing my dishes right after supper every day) and i didn't have to set them as goals to achieve them. both became important preventative actions. so i don't think i'll set any goals this year and just see what happens naturally. there are times and stages where life propels you, and other times when you propel life.

i'm still battling my cold and my stomach bug. in terms of full health, i would give my stomach an 8 out of 10 and my sinuses a 9 out of 10.

sick day

last evening i was starting to feel a little sick to my stomach. and as usual, i was hoping it might just go away if i lied down for a while. it did not. at 1 am, i was vomiting in the bathroom, which made it official, i had a stomach bug. i don't know about you, but i have this theory that i never feel better than i do minutes after vomiting. i feel physically amazing and emotionally i feel relieved. it's hard to say if it's just the contrast between how i just felt, or it's truly the most euphoric time in my life.

i stayed in bed ALL day except for getting up to make some toast at 11ish. once brendan got home and it was time to pick éamon up at daycare, i had to pull myself together for some solo parenting this evening since b works in napanee on tuesdays. so far it's gone ok. we've spent more time nursing than usual, because it means he'll stay still and i can just laydown. i also had him sit in his highchair for quite an extended period of time. i think i'll put him to bed early. thankfully he's pretty good at entertaining himself these days.

core

i realized today that the taste and texture of pears reminds me of my school yard growing up. not a bad association, just a surprising one.

the next day

well, i put a new contact in this morning and i haven't had any weird repercussions or discomfort. so i think it's safe to assume my contact is lost outside my body somewhere.

my main regret is poking and pinching my eyeball trying to get out a contact that wasn't there.

hiding

aside from not being sure if my body is in the right time-zone (used to waking later and going to bed later), i think i'm ready to return to work tomorrow.

i had an evening shower and afterwards my left contact felt funny. i tried to take it out, but it needed more coaxing, so i thought i'd use some saline solution to loosen it up. all that said, i now can't find my left contact. it's either hiding somewhere in my eye-socket or fell out somehow without me noticing. i'm hoping that it fell out, because i'm getting zero indication that is in my head, and usually when a contact gets lost, it causes irritation. i'm going to bed soon, and in the morning, i'll be in the awkward position of deciding if i should put a new contact in or not, and risk having two in one eye simultaneously.

i'm going to go read in bed with my new book-light until i get drowsy.

ambiguous

i slipped into bed last night, hoping for a good night's sleep that would wash away my cold, and realized i forgot to write about my day. now that it's morning, i'm surprised to say that my cold was actually worse last night than that night before.

anyway, i'm also surprised by the number of people who mistake éamon as a girl. his hair is longer, but it's not long. i'm purposely growing it to be like a surfer's haircut because of his double crown – it's the only way to get it to lie down at the back.

shoelaces

i bought some sweatpants. i haven't had a real pair of sweatpants in several decades. i like them a lot. they've got this weird ornate rabbit on one leg (it's really bizarre – why a rabbit!?!?!?). it's to bad that comfortable clothes are the least flattering. i wish i could be this comfy all the time. in highschool, my friend mandy and i would refer to comfy clothes as being naked with a waistband on.

conjested

i crawled into bed early last night because i've come down with a head cold. it's been a while since i had a cold, and this one was kind of slow in coming because i had cold-like symptoms for 4 days before it really grabbed me. it sucks that i'm sick on my last day of vacation. BUT i suppose i can just take it easy, which will be nice. brendan took éamon to daycare while i slept in. apparently he was extremely excited to be there this morning, which is nice. now i can just lay around in peace. maybe i'll watch a movie. ugh. it's such a beautiful winter day out there :S it sucks being sick on a beautiful day.

highlights from 2014

- this was a year of roadtrips... north bay, philadelphia, cahoots festival, ottawa, quebec city, victoria harbour, and ottawa again.

- this was a year of transitions... back to work, éamon to daycare, brendan getting laid off, brendan looking for work, brendan finding a job (or two?).

- this was a year of taking it easy and learning to be present at home... declining commitments, using my evenings productively, allowing myself to not feel guilty about resting, transitioning into a parent of a toddler.

- this was a year of intention... mindfully making plans with friends, going to bed early, getting babysitters (family, friends and a teenager) so brendan and i could go out and not miss out on stuff.

- this was a year of new favourite things... loose-leaf tea, long walks, swimming lessons, making soup, cbc radio, baking for pleasure and naps.

this was a year of new experiences (good and bad) that has marinated me and brought out hidden abilities, desires and character i didn't know was lurking under the surface. i know i'm different, more aged and experienced than i used to be, and i feel pretty comfortable about who i am at 35.

knots

after being on the job market for four months, b was offered a job and accepted it. he's supposed to start on monday, except... today he was called to interview for a job he applied for before the other job offer at his ideal social service agency in town. ugh. why does life throw these curve balls?!?!

i thought this might happen. aye-yi-yi...

glebe

we took a roadtrip to ottawa today for a few errands. while we were there, brendan wanted to visit this guitar shop he'd heard about. éamon had just fallen asleep for his afternoon nap, so i had to stay in the car while brendan went in the store. which was too bad since i like watching brendan nerd out about guitars, but i was content to stay put. 25 minutes or more passed before brendan returned. he was utterly glowing and was so enamored that he couldn't speak for at least 15 minutes. i knew that something significant had just happened in that store – it made the highlight of my day (buying a new slipcover for my couch) seem VERY bland indeed.

women & women first

"She turned to literature. She looked for books about adolescents, books she could find herself and her problems in. There were none. She read every thin, saccharine "girl's book" she could find, and gave up. She began to read trashy novels, anything she could find in the library that looked as if it were about women."
- The Women's Room

lately, i've felt a strong desire to read books about female protagonists. books about women. ideally books about women that are not romances. basically books that i can relate to. books with storylines that i can connect with. i've been surprised to discover that i've already gobbled up many of the "top" books about women – i thought i'd only scratched the surface. i'm honestly shocked to find that were aren't a ton of books about women. half the population are women. half of authors are women. why can't i go into any book store and easily find half the books about women. it's disappointing and frustrating.

i came across a list of the top ten books that "changed how we feel about being a woman" and discovered The Women's Room. i downloaded the preview before i decided to buy it. i was starting to get into it when i came across the above segment. it seems i'm not the first person to crave books about women.

triumph

for several weeks now, we've been trying to fix our toilet seat. it was loose and when brendan tried to tighten it, he found that the screwed had become rusty. soon the screws were stripped and we tried a half-dozen things to get those damn nuts off. nothing worked. it really irritated my mind, knowing there was this small task that i couldn't accomplish and move on from. very annoying. BUT, thank goodness, tonight we got it off. we bought a keyhole hacksaw and took turns hacking away at it. i feel oddly relieved and very satisfied to have that annoyance behind me. we have one mighty sturdy toilet seat now!

boxing day

i'm not a naturally organized person, and i'm not compelled to create order from chaos, but sorting out gifts (swopping out existing stuff with new stuff) and unpacking our duffel bag this afternoon, felt good. i probably set a personal record for prompt organization (i often continue to live out of a suitcase for several weeks after returning home).

xmas day

i'm so very grateful for my extended family. we have a sleepover together every year and it fills our love-tanks and gives us memories of quality time together. sometime i'll be especially thankful for down the road when my nieces and nephews are bigger.

xmas eve

to conclude a day of carrot soup, lego board games, gifts, cousins playing together and carols... éamon pooped in the tub.

AND I'M BACK...

beckie and i were out today doing some downtown errands and drinking hot beverages. while we were out, i came across a 5-year diary that left enough space for a couple sentences about each day. i thought "that's great! i'd love to do that". i like having a record of what i did each day. i considered buying it for a minute or two, then i realized... I HAVE A BLOG! duh!

so i'm going to change the format of my blog (which is clearly unsustainable in it's past format), to a quick, simple, daily approach. unless there's something i have a lot to say about.

--

so to get the ball rolling....
i bought éamon a toddler-sized broom today and he loves it :) maybe it create positive associations with household chores.

thrones

i don't know if its the season, the weather, the fact that i'm drawing close to vacation time or because i haven't been outside much lately, but i've been feeling quite anxious. i'm also feeling unsettled in my heart about current conversations at next.

in november, eamon's moved up to the toddler room at daycare, which means we have a more flexible daycare schedule. he now goes 4 days a week and goes to my mom's on wednesday mornings. i bring him with me when i leave at 6:30. i take him straight out of bed, put him in his snowsuit and pop him in the car. when we get to my mom's, she feeds him breakfast and gives him a bath in her bathtub (this is a treat since we don't have a bathtub at home). i work til 11, then pick him up on my way home. it's a nice new system. it also gives me a chance to have a visit with my mom and sometimes i stay for lunch. i'm really thankful that they get this time together, i think it's special for both of them.

brendan had a job interview on friday, and afterwards felt really pumped about it. he clearly really connected with the interviewers. they checked his references on monday and called him on tuesday to give him good news and bad news. the bad news was that they weren't going to offer him the job, but the good news was that they'd like to give him a different job. they'd like to give him a more challenging job with more responsibility, plus it's regular 9-5 weekday hours. basically, they think he's over qualified for the job he applied for, and said they are not accustomed to getting such a high caliber candidate for that type of job. the only problem is that there isn't a position open right now. so they'll keep his resume and be in touch when they're hiring for this other department. i have mixed feelings because it's wonderful news that they thought he was so amazing and that there's a possible opportunity, BUT at the same time, it might not turn into anything. i think they're equally frustrated because they're worried he's going to get snapped up by another agency in the meantime. the funny thing is that these other agencies don't even consider him because he doesn't have a degree, which is why he's forced to apply for jobs at the bottom of the social work ladder. he's very smart, he's very socially-aware, he's very experienced (compared to his contemporaries), he's very skilled. i think all these agencies who are screening him out are stupid for missing out on a good candidate.

maybe this is also affecting my anxiousness. or maybe it's just PMS. for a while after eamon was born, i didn't get PMS, but i think it's slowly creeping back.

man, i need to do something to interrupt this funk.

if i stay here, trouble will find me.

crokinole

after years and years of hating winter, i think i've finally come around. it's definitely the most challenging season, and i'm not looking forward to it. but i've found it has some redeeming qualities.

i like how opposite it is of summer in many ways....
• i like that on a cold, snowy day there's nothing better than just staying in all day (be it at home or at work, there's something nice about being warm and dry inside).
• i like getting bundled up in lots of layers
• i like that life slows down because everything takes more time. but also, unlike summer, which is super busy with activities and social events, winter's activities are fewer and less frequent. it allows one to get into a groove and consistent rhythm.
• it's also undeniably pretty.

i'm glad the snow has come early, because november is a cold and dark month. we might as well have snow, which brings its reflective bright surface.

--

last night brendan and i went out to dairy queen before a games night at next (eamon was at home with astrid). we sat across from each other in a booth, eating blizzards, talking and laughing at his eye lids. it was nice.

i'll learn to fix stuff,

if you will teach me love.

petition

i like when i come across a couple who seem like really good friends. i don't mean that they seem more like friends than they do a couple, but that it's clear their relationship is further cemented by a deep, intertwining friendship. i'm often struck by the display of mutual respect and shared admiration. even a short interaction with such people leave me encouraged and inspired. i don't know if this is a relationship culture developed over many years together, or just their natural dynamic. but its something to aspire to.

foot/mouth

so... i feel a little bit dumb, but éamon cut a molar without me even realizing it. i'm not sure if that means i'm a tuned-out mother or that he's an easy teether. perhaps a little of both. he's cut teeth several times without me noticing. everything i've read and heard says that cutting molars is the worst. he has been more cranky in the last month, but i honestly just thought it was just him being a growing baby who will go through different stages of neediness. i thought we were on a break between teeth. *shrug* i guess i should be glad that the first molar is behind us. but it's a little bit hard because he's that much more a toddler and i really enjoyed my little baby.

lately i've been "borrowing" worry and stress unnecessarily. unlike my sister who feels a great responsibility to rescue people and fix their problems, i don't typically feel a sense of responsibility for others. and yet, lately i've been feeling like it's selfish of me to only be concerned with my own future. i think that's the hard part about living in community, even if the community circle is broad and lives aren't that closely connected, i have a hard time knowing where the healthy line is between doing for others and empowering others to do for themselves. it's tricky because i know from my own life experience how much i've valued (after the fact) making my own path and not having solutions offered to me on a silver platter. that said, there are times when i would've welcomed generous gifts to give me a leg up financially. probably the only time i experienced that was when my grandma died and she left me enough in her will to pay off one of three student loans, and i'm still super grateful for that. I suppose though, it might have been a different experience had I not been chipping away at that loan for several years before I received that inheritance. I'm sure I would've been grateful to receive that gift before i started paying it back, but being relieved of a burden you've been carrying for a while is more appreciated than never having to carry the burden at all. all this said... i don't really know how to support the right amount.

sausagers

last night we had our first paid babysitter. we've made an arrangement with astrid to babysit for 2 hours on thursdays so we can go to our small group. it was surprising because brendan was much more nervous about it than i was. he thinks his reluctant feelings are more normal, but i'm not convinced of that. as far as i was concerned there was no reason to be nervous, but ended up concluding my confidence was based on my experience as a 13 year old babysitter. she's a smart girl, very competent and logical. plus, she's taken the babysitters course, so i was confident that she'd do just fine, and it seems as though she did. i feel excited about this step/milestone.

i like that i know my friends' kids. i don't mean that i'm acquainted with them, but i need that i know them as people - what they're like, their personalities, interests, quirks. i feel well acquainted with bren's kids.

it looks as though this week is the start of a new routine - small group on thursdays, and swimming on tuesdays. we've started swimming lessons at artillery park. we started infant swimming lessons when éamon was 3 months old, but those were just drop-in classes at the Y. these lessons at artillery park are sign-up classes that i paid for in advance. i'm very pleased that they're evening classes, and it worked out nicely because it's on the evening that brendan works in napanee, and i've been finding those evenings more challenging at éamon's current stage. i was a bit reluctant to sign up though, because it's more expensive than the Y. but i weighed the options (time of day, location, etc) and decided to proceed, and i'm glad i decided to do that because it was immediately evident that the quality of class was much better at artillery park. as we waited for the class to start, éamon was scooting around on the pool side, and several times attempted to make a break for it down the pool ramp into the water. it was both naughty and hilarious. he really loves water.

check

it's surprising how much music impacts my impulse to write. a good song gives me that urge. right now i'm really into 'wake owl'.

recently i've only been reading books i find fun and amusing. easy reads that i look forward to reading. sadly it seems there aren't a lot of fun reads that i haven't already read. i checked a list of fun reads on 'good reads' and i'd read 20 of the top 25 books. i just finished the princess bride and found that i really did live up to the "it's better than the movie" saying, which is impressive since it's a great movie. i think it helps that the screenplay was written by the same person who wrote the book.

since i couldn't find another funny book, i've started reading the very unfunny 'sweetness in the belly'. i think i've heard good things about it, and i picked it up at the next garage sale recently. if i recall correctly, it was a big book club favourite a few years ago. it's heavier, but not too heavy.

tomorrow marks one month of brendan being without work. in that time he's applied for several jobs and had one interview. i've heard before that it roughly takes 3 months to find a new job, so i'm hoping that happens. although, we're doing ok and brendan's keeping busy. it's funny to me that shortly after i finished being at home, he's back to being at home. it's like we're taking turns. on the upside, it's convenient to have someone at home to do at-home things.

through rachel i discovered this computer app called 'f.lux' – it changes the colour of your screen after sunset so it becomes warmer in hue. it helps the transition from screen to bedtime. it seems to be doing the trick for me. i've been getting sleepy and heading to bed between 9:30 and 10:15. even though i'm going to bed early, i've been finding my 5:30 wake-ups quite difficult since sunrise is later these days. i can't remember how early the sunsets in november through to january. i'm hoping it's after 4, or i'm not going to see the sun at all.

what will become of the truth when we keep it in.

Fwd:

oh cat power, sometimes you are exactly what i need to listen to.

blade

i'm beginning to notice that lately, i deal with difficult things by just not thinking about it. at my current stage in life, i feel like it doesn't change anything if i allow the full weight of a situation hit me, so instead i just don't allow myself to spend time focusing on sorrow. at least that way, i can still function without feeling heavy-hearted.

a colleague of mine died in august. he was a really wonderful man, so lovely and kind and genuine. when news of his death was announced, no details regarding the cause of his death were shared. i've come to observe in recent years, that if those details are not disclosed openly, that there's probably a reason and the family is choosing to be quiet about it. and i respect that. in the weeks following his death, my boss told me in confidence that he'd taken his own life while on assignment in asia (this is now public knowledge). i was shocked by this news, because he was really the nicest, smiley-est person i know; and yet that explained the mystery around his death. emma was privy to quite graphic details (a news story had been published about it online), and she told me "don't google it - you don't want to know". i took her word for it and told her "i won't. that's the sort of thing i can't un-know, but would wish i could".

i chose not to go to his funeral even though i liked him very much. in an organization as large as the one i work at, the reality is that the number of work colleagues could greatly out number his family and close friends, and i really feel like a funeral serve should be for those who knew and loved the person the most. (i would not want a bunch of my work acquaintances pew warming at my memorial service).

anyway, i've been tasked with making a book of condolences for the family. it's a collection of photos him and messages for the family. when emma first asked me to take on this project, she felt badly for putting me in difficult position. but i told her that i was happy to help his family in a tangible way. but now that i've been working on it, collecting photos, reading messages and starting on the layout, my heart feels so heavy. and with each photo i can't avoid thinking about this terrible loss and feel saddened by his desperation and hopelessness. especially one photo that seems to just sum-up everything - all that he was and that he's really gone. and when i imagine his wife and four 20-something sons looking at that picture it makes me feel like my heart is going to explode with sadness.

i used to think when i was little that when people died, you just move on and its like they were never alive. but now that i'm an adult and have experienced several deaths in recent years, i'm struck by the cruelty of death because you just never stop missing them. every once and a while, i'll say out of the blue to brendan "i miss david" and he'll say "i know you do". other times i tell him "i miss teri" i wish i could talk to her, and "i hate that jul died." i hate it!. today, i'm feeling that i hate that bill died. i hate it, and it makes me so sad.

Fwd: lalalalalalala

i knew that getting up at 5:30 am would mean that eventually i would be getting up before the sun. but i thought that wouldn't be until winter. today was rough getting up, and i felt like a zombie well into the day. it was one of those days that i wished that my alarm clock had gone off at the wrong time and i could get back into bed. it was so dark, and my body felt hungover from sleep, that i really would've have been surprised if it wasn't morning (or at least my morning. i realize that when i was maternity leave i still very much considered 5:30 as the middle of the night).

i think it'll be an early night for me.

well... it's been a while since i've written. éamon's getting big and is almost walking. he's keeping me busy and for the first time since he was born, i'm starting to feel like my life is changing. when he first arrived, nothing really changed. he just fit into our lives so perfectly that we didn't feel like having a baby was interrupting life as we know it. but that change is starting to happen now, which is ok, but also difficult. sometimes when i get home from work, i just want to sit an read, but i've got this junior toddler who is always getting into things, or wants to be held, or doesn't want to be held but will just sit there whining. it's comical really. clearly he's frustrated because he can't communicate his wants. the only word he says is dada and he uses that for everything. and he doesn't seem to get sign language, but instead thinks i'm being silly and laughs or claps when i try using signs. no doubt when he does start talking the floodgates will open, so i'll just try to be patient with his whining :S

b's been doing super well, keeping busy and enjoying his time off. it's giving him the chance to decompress from the toxic work environment at his old job. he actually has a job interview tomorrow for a coordinator position for a not-for-profit in town. we're kind of in the position that if he gets it, then great! and if not, that's fine too. i'm a little bit worried that being offered a part-time job (22 hours/week) will mean that he misses out on full-time job opportunities that might open up in the coming weeks. that said, i am very pleased at his response rate - 2:1 for resumes and interviews.

ugh, i'm still feeling yucky. it's got to be an early night tonight!

btw

last night my nose-ring broke off in the night. i'm not exactly sure what happened. i just know that my nose felt itchy at 1:30 and in my sleepy state i scratched it and the hoop came off in my hand. so in the night, i tried to find the original stud to put in, but it didn't fit. so my nose is empty for the first time since 2006. i don't really like it, and i feel kind of embarrassed to be seen without it. the same kind of embarrassment one feels when they think they have stuff stuck in their teeth. hopefully i can pick up a new hoop soon, but strangely enough, i realized all the stores i'd usually go to for that kind of thing have all moved out of the downtown area or closed. i'm going to try very shari at its new location, but shari died recently and i'm not sure if its still open. otherwise i'll have to try etsy. i hope it doesn't grow over (like last time).

i'm someone who listens to the same song on repeat if i really like it. last week i discovered a new song by hayden and have been listening to it on repeat ever since. this morning at work, i thought "maybe i should just listen to cbc music sonica again, and be done with this song", but after listening to cbc radio 2 for about two songs, my current song came on the air! i thought "who am i kidding" and am back to listening to it on continuous play again.  

hoyt

it's been an eventful weekend.

1) brendan was laid off from his job effective immediately on friday morning. the program he runs is closing at the end of december, and we were expecting him to get laid off then. BUT because they've been feeding such high numbers of people, they're way over budget and couldn't afford to keep him on staff til the end of the year. in some ways, it wasn't a shock, but the termination itself was poorly executed and unsettling.

2) on thursday evening, i decided i wanted to cut my hair. after b got let go, i decided to take the afternoon off. so after he and i'd chatted, i left him to process stuff and went to get my hair chopped. afterwards, i sent my hair off in the mail for cancer. i really like my new do. it's a nice fresh change. it's also more full and manageable.

3) shannon invited us to join them at her parents place this weekend for her birthday. we'd never been to that part of ontario before, and we had a nice time getting to know shannon's family. it was also fun hanging out with a+s for the whole weekend. the timing was also really good since it distracted us from out latest lift-change and gave us something to focus on instead of our worries and concerns (i'm mostly anxious about éamon's daycare – everything else will work out just fine. i don't want to pay for and keep him in full time since we don't need to, but don't want to pull him out in case a new job opportunity comes up quickly – it's so hard to know the right thing to do).

anyways, that's everything from me.

Fwd: expertise

(i actually wrote this on friday, but didn't get around to posting it)

--

oh man!
a few mornings ago, i woke up with the name 'jill dempsey' repeating in my head. i don't know if this ever happens to you, but sometimes a name or a word will get stuck in my head like a song. the thing that confused me about this is that i don't know anyone by the name jill dempsey. i was really puzzled by it, but later forgot about it as the day got going. however... i was just listening to the news, and the news reporter just said "hello, i'm jill dempsey". so mystery solved! haha.

tomorrow we're having a garage sale. i've never had a for-profit garage sale before, and i really don't know how much to expect. thankfully, we're doing it more to get rid of stuff, and not because we need the cash for something. i'd kind of like to make $100, but that's probably overly ambitious. our most valuable item is my dad's old road racing bike, but i'm going to give him the money for that. thankfully, the weather is looking good, which will make hanging out outside with our stuff more fun, AND we're more likely to have a larger group of customers.

i'd also, we bought a storm door that i'd like to install on the kitchen door, and i'm hoping to get to that together. but it seems that éamon is afraid of the sound of the drill, similarly to how he's afraid of the sound of the vacuum (he didn't used to be, this is a relatively new development). i'm not exactly sure how we'll be able to install the door while keeping the baby from panicking. i have to admit, he's pretty cute when he's scared of something. he tries to bum scoot away as fast as he can, which again, is super cute.

enough

today was just one of those days when everything seems to go badly. not everything, just things that matter to me. i wish i could start over and do things differently. when spare time is limited, it's hard to not get upset when it gets wasted because of poor planning and poor communication (both on my part). i guess i'll just have to get used to the fact that not every wednesday afternoon is going to be a 'win'.

if you'll excuse me... i'm going to go to bed and hopefully i'll wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

Fwd: considering

after 4 weeks back at work, i can confidently say things are going well. i'm adjusting to my new routine, i'm enjoying my work, i like my new workstation, and éamon's doing well at daycare. he didn't cry at pick-up at all this week. i really like it when i arrive and he's playing well independently.

but i do have one problem. my new workstation is in a different part of the building (it's literally 50ft from my old spot, but it actually makes a significant difference), and i don't really know any of my neighbours (other than being acquainted). i'm a good conversationalist, but i am shy, especially when i have no reason to break the ice. actually... i'm shy AND independent, which means that i literally have no reason to interact with the people around me. they're in different departments than me. we work in parallel to one another, but never work together. i can go hours without speaking to anyone in person (my team is all in europe). i find myself in a bit of a funny situation, because i like having my freedom to do my own thing and i REALLY like not being interrupted. BUT i know that if i stay on this trajectory, that i'll increasingly invisible, and i'll start to feel lonely. i'm pretty sure that there are some around me that don't quite know what to think of this random person in their midst. in the past, when i've been friendly with people outside my department, it's been when they're very outgoing and break the ice with me. but unfortunately... two of those people have DIED (ugh! i miss them both!) and another two left the company. so i've decided to start putting myself out there more. to smile and say hello to people. i might even have to forgo listening to music, because i'm sure my headphones are contributing to my isolation.

bah. it's ok, i'll give it time.

on another note... never in my life have i wished for a band to break up and for all their music to be accidentally deleted from every source. until now. when i was pregnant, i listened to 'of monsters and men' and lot, i really liked them. BUT i listened to them while suffering from morning sickness, and now whenever i hear them i get nauseous. yuck! i wish i never had to hear them again.

Fwd: rain

now that i go to bed early (between 10 and 10:30), i'm always surprised that when i wake momentarily in the night, only to discover that it's only 12:30. it's funny because it feels like i've been sleeping for a long time. i've heard several times that every hour of sleep you get before midnight is worth twice as much as an hour after midnight. perhaps this is why i feel pretty well rested, even though i get up at 5:30 each morning.

i've just completed my first full week of work, and it was pretty good. i have wednesday afternoon off, and it LOVED that. i finished at 11 am, so it felt like a normal day off. truth be told, when i was at home on mat leave, my mornings were not particularly productive, so i'm not really missing anything by working that morning (other than sleeping later).

i'm definitely on my way to being fully adjusted to my new life, but poor eamon's having a harder time. he cries a lot when brendan drops him off in the morning, and then cries almost inconsolably when i pick him up in the afternoon. i think he's just so overwhelmed with a range of emotions that it's expressed with tears. i just have to hold him for a while, and usually nurse him for a bit until he settles down and is ok with not being held. i know it will get better, and eventually he'll love going to day care, but it sucks that he has to go through this first. it'll be ok, and it's kind of nice to see that he's so attached to us.

plinth

it's kind of ironic, or perhaps just a funny coincidence, that within a week of shannon losing her camera, we lost our camera charger. she has a charger and we have a camera, and yet they're useless together.

i've been listening to cbc radio at my workstation. i'm particularly fond of cbc sonica. i was telling brendan "i don't know what sonica is, or what it means, but i like it". since then i've discovered that sonica is an "adult alternative" station. that still doesn't explain a lot to me about it's name, but i'm struck my the use of the word "adult". it's not that it came as a surprise to me that i'm an adult - i've had a career job for a decade, have a baby and own a house. but radio stations with the word "adult" in it conjure up concepts or notions in my head of this strange and baffling grown-ups i observed as a teenager with their high pants and lawn mowing. it's interesting that being an "adult" is not at all how i perceived it in my salad days. it's actually not so bad. all this said... i'm really digging being able to listen to the cbc in millhaven.

bottom

i'm pretty sure that i've been sitting incorrectly on a bike my entire life.
now, i realize that doesn't seem possible, but believe me... i've discovered that it is.

seahorse

years ago, i did an enneagram personality test. it pegged me as someone who highly values freedom. which is true. and as the sun sets on my year of freedom from work, i find myself wishing that freedom wasn't so important to me. because the reality is that being an adult is full of experiences, choices, obligation, duties, and it's starting to occur to me that freedom, the way i've valued it, is just not feasible. it's almost a childish notion to believe that one can do whatever they want, whenever they want. not only childish, but perhaps also self-indulgent or just plain selfish.

maybe it's time for me to start re-framing this notion of freedom. instead of "freedom to", i should think about it as "freedom from". freedom from busy. freedom from stress. freedom from debt. freedom from worry.

yesterday, after skeleton park music festival. i bought myself some candy. i like candy, and i gave myself permission to have some. funnily enough, i felt really gross in my body afterwards. another fine example: instead of freedom to eat candy... freedom from feeling gross, heavy, bloated, etc.

i only have three weeks left until this year is just a memory. something i did once. something i remember doing. that's hard. harder than some of the other parts. éamon will be fine at daycare. and i actually think we'll be fine apart (once we adjust). but no longer living as though my time is my own will be a tough one. except, i guess this is a reality i need to start getting used to. éamon is less portable than he once was and i've already started having to miss out on things i was once free to attend. and i suppose, if i really think about it, i don't mind. i like being at home. it's like diving underwater – eventually i'll socially resurface. in the meantime, maybe i'll just learn to enjoy the quiet, more slow paced life-style. maybe freedom is over-rated.

i've been waitin' here for days
tryin' to catch a break
the way I'm livin', it's gonna cause my heart to ache.

refreshing

there's a number of things i'm not looking forward to about returning to work (being away from éamon, early mornings, cramming my personal life into my evenings, having to follow a schedule not of my own design, etc etc). but there are a few things that will be good, and i'm going to focus on those things as much as possible. i especially like thinking of this return to work as an opportunity to start over. after working at BBD for 10 years, i just sort of did things out of habit, and over time, that pattern was pretty tired, worn and ready to be thrown out. so i'm excited about starting fresh.

i want to use my morning commute as a chance to do some oil pulling.

i'm going to pick up a radio that i can plug headphones into so i can listen to the cbc (after having the freedom to listen to talk radio, i don't want to give that up).

on friday, i bought a folding bike that i'll keep in the trunk of my car and take it out at lunch time for off-site bike rides.

i got a new lunch box and new tea thermos so i can enjoy new eating and drinking routines.

i want to make some bunting flags and hang them in my cubicle to decorate the place and make it fun and homey for me.
 
and so on and so forth. i'm actually really excited about this opportunity to re-invent my work life. i want there to be less of a disconnect between my home habits/preferences and my work habits/preferences.

at the very least, i have new things to look forward to, not the same-old same-old of my first working decade.

skeleton bones stand at the sound
of eternity on the lips of the found.

air

i've been thinking a lot since this weekend away about identity. i was really surprised to discover how much and how prominent labels still are nowadays. i kind of assumed that in this modern age, where diversity was valued, that labels were no longer relevant. but i ended up concluding that for people who are struggling to attain and maintain a sense of self, that perhaps such labels are a way for them to take hold of something clear and defined.

i was thinking about my own identity, what parts of my identity would throw me into crisis if suddenly taken from me, and what things are inconsequential.

surprisingly, the first thing that comes to mind is my job. the significance of this really stands out to me, largely because i'm not technically at bbd right now, and i'm not technically working, but i still say "at my work" with regularity. while i wouldn't say it's influenced the way i see the world, it has given me a binocular through which to see the world. i've been able to learn about the world-at-large things i would never know or experience if it wasn't for this job at this company.

another big one is my relationships and community. friends, church, partner. as well as my identity as christian/jesus follower.

i also see how my circumstances have shaped me. things like coming from a broken home, being single for the majority of my 20s, and being a woman. now... when i say being a woman, i don't mean that my identity is shaped by simply being a woman, but rather by the social context in which i'm a woman. because i don't think my job, community, family or faith would be dramatically different if i was not a woman. but it seems that it's how i'm viewed as a woman that has the greater impact on me. interactions with men, interactions with other women, safety at night (or feelings of lack of safety), social norms, etc. for whatever reason, i feel that i'm a strong and capable PERSON (whether this is my natural disposition, or the result of years of having to overcome challenging circumstances), and i think i would've fared equally well/comfortably as a man. and so i think to myself, what is it then, that makes me feel connected to my womanhood? (because i do, and am) and i feel that it's because i embrace my lot in life as a physical female, a social female. it also doesn't define me, but is just one aspect of who i am.

i feel now, like my ramblings are taking me in a different direction then i'd intended. so let me get back to what i was trying to say... that identity is too complex (in my mind) to be boiled down to just one label. i think that "person" or "unique individual" or "lesley" is the only label i need. because circumstances change, and people develop, and i don't want to be limited to just one definition.

foolishness strips the soul of its light.

swing dancer

today we planted our third 'garden of eat-in' at 79 main street. when we were done, we all happily agreed that it was our prettiest garden yet! i also think it's our most practical. we've only planted vegetables and herbs that we want to eat and/or plants we know will successfully grow. we also laid black cedar chips, which will suppress the weeds and also really make the plants and the paths really pop. EXCELLENT!

éamon and i also joined a group bike ride down to the water where the living roomers for a lakeside picnic. i'm so happy to be cycling again, and even more happy that i can tote éamon along in the stoller (since it doubles as a bike trailer). i've decided to keep my eye out for an inexpensive folding bike to keep in my cubical so i can go cycling at lunch time.

ugh, i'm so tired and worn out today. i'm going to go lie back on the loveseat and watch 30 rock with b...

it was perfect til
he came along and wrecked it.

sofa

brendan and i have been married nearly four years, and during that time we have not kept a chores schedule with assigned chores. but at this point, it seems like the reasonable thing to do. it makes me wonder why we ever thought chores would get done unintentionally, or that they'd just sort themselves out. this is probably partly because i've never had a chores roster with housemates, but i suppose the longest i lived with friends was a year and a half. it was always a short term arrangement. this is a long term arrangement, so having a plan is probably a good idea.

i was talking with someone the other day who was asking about when i return to work. i go back 2 months from today. as we were talking about this upcoming transition for me, i told her about the things i've been thinking and doing to prepare for that, and she said "sounds like you're nesting for this change". that struck me interesting because i'd never thought of it that way, but i really like the sound of that.

i got this new lunch box. it's called a planet box. i really wanted something that was an all in one tray that had separate little compartments for small portions of different things. this is exactly what i was imagining.

i don't really know what's going to happen in two months. brendan's work might be closing, so it's a definite possibility that éamon won't be going to daycare after all. he'll just stay home with dada. the question seems to be WHEN is it closing – august or december. we both feel ok about this, and we're both happy at the thought of éamon being at home with b. the timing is just a bit unclear, but i'm sure it'll work out and there's no sense in being anxious for certainty.

éamon's in a bit of a fussy phase since yesterday. he's just whining a lot and wants to be held all the time. it might be his teeth. he had another tooth cut through yesterday (the fourth this month!). he finally fell asleep. so i'm going to go enjoy some peace and quiet.

all the meals you rushed
– never tasted.

as much

i don't know about you... but there are times in my life when i just have so much to say that i end up saying nothing. vincent told me once that sometimes i say too much, and sometimes i say too little. i suppose this week i've fallen in the latter category.

let me just say a few things as bullets so that i feel slightly more up to speed, then i can start talking on other stuff.

• we had an amazing time in philly. it was a really good trip and i'm really glad we went there instead of cuba. i'll get back to our trip later.

• when we got back, we picked up a new couch that i'd found on kijiji, and i'm slowly adjusting to it. it's slightly more bulky than our previous couch, but it's quite soft and i quite like lounging on it. 

• most of my headspace has been taken up with sermon prep for tomorrow. i haven't preached in a year. i've been avoiding it largely because it weighs heavily on my mind, heart and energy. that said, since i've had rather short notice, i've been able to avoid that weight for an extended time.

• éamon's starting to scoot around and get into things. it's really fun. yesterday, he ate some of my pad thai and i felt super proud of him. there's really nothing he won't eat. while i'm enjoying this new stage, there is part of me who feels nostalgic for his young, more fragile, more stationery phase. 

• i've been thinking and chatting a lot lately about my future career wise. these discussions have been met with mixed responses. however, as i look towards the more near future, i've been trying to find creative ways of addressing the less appealing aspects of working life. surprisingly enough, i'm not dreading the early mornings. lately when i've been out or up early, i've enjoyed that special time of day. 

free to roam, made a home out of everywhere i've been.

cedar

well, we're heading out on our trip to philadelphia this morning. i'm pretty excited about it. there's part of me that feels it's a lot harder to drive your self somewhere than to just sit on a plane and let someone else take you there. but then on the other hand, we have a lot more freedom with what we bring, and a more flexible schedule. we've borrowed a GPS device, so i'm sure things will go smoothly.

it'll be nice to spend some time in a different place. it's not like i need a break from life here, but it's always energizing to see a different place and a different part of the world.

we haven't done a lot of trips where we need to bring a lot of supplies (food, games, equipment). and i feel like i'm still getting used to being the one responsible for all these things (rather than my parents or joy or someone else). it's exciting to not have someone taking care of me, but it's also a lot more work. now i have to pack for the baby and for me. it feels like a lot of responsibility, but i'll get used to it. it'll become the norm for travel.

i should go. i got up at 7 to get a bunch done, and i've just spent 18 minutes on the computer. i need to mentally aim at 8:30 if we're going to leave at 9.

now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened

about

you know...
i've got to say...

after all the hype built up around 'sham wow's, i was expecting something more than just a think piece of felt.

but that said, it makes perfect sense. what else is such a great absorber.

newspapers

there are several occasions in life when one feels a greater awareness of their clothing...

• when returning from a trip from a warmer climate;

• after extensive amounts of naked time around the house;

• when wearing uncomfortable clothing;

• and, after someone accidentally sees you naked.

all i can say is that it was a close call. i'll classify it as horrifyingly embarrassing rather than full out humiliating :p next time, i won't be so quick to walk around the house naked without checking the curtains or, at the very least, if the coast is clear.

on another note, i want nick miller to make me a mixed cd.

everytime i look around
it's in my face.

traditionalist

i've been starting to think that maybe sometimes people don't change. or maybe what i should be saying, rather than "people" i should be more specific. i don't change. I don't. me.

every so often i feel really on top of things, specifically around the house. things are tidy, dishes are done with regularity, yada yada yada. and i feel liberated from my old ways. but there comes a day where i let one thing slide. i always figure that it's no big deal, it's just one thing. but things start to pile up and eventually, they slip for a few more days, so that eventually i'm back to square one, only it feels worse because i can still remember how good it feels to be tidy.

i'm currently in an upswing. but for the first time, i struck me that this most likely will not last, and i'll "suddenly" find myself stressed and frustrated by our messy house – probably sooner than i'm expecting.

today, i've felt overcome by stress. pretty much everything i could've stressed about, i did. i don't know if this was partly because i had some caffeinated tea, but i'm sure it didn't help (that said, it was tastey).

i was thinking about returning to work. and all things aside (missing my kid, having to get up early in the morning, having less time to manage our home), just considering me and the job, i realized that there's always been part of me that's resented my job. the commute, my unflexible work schedule, how it steals my time and energy, how i'm stuck indoors all day, how inactive i am, how i have to wear uncomfortable business-casual clothes. when i started at 23, i was unfamiliar with those struggles, and for 10 years i didn't know anything else. it was my only reality. i really don't want to resent how i spend my time – how i spend my life, for that matter. i'm really going to have to psyche myself up for round two.

i’ve gotta know… can we work it out?