frozen

considering i didn't go to bed til 1:45 last night. considering someone barged into my room at some unknown hour of the night, startling me so much that i bolted up in a dozy stooper. considering the fact that i'm not a morning person even under the best of circumstances, i woke up feeling pretty awesome. i was tired, but felt great about my person. for the first time in a few weeks i woke up feeling "i'm fricking fabulous!!". now i realize that at times i may come across very arrogant, seeming overly confident. but it's more self-acceptance than self-confidence.

last night i saw stars, and it was a really great show. i had a really great time. it was really funny in many ways, partly because my "companion" kept bring up totally random topics to yell into my ear. stuff like "what if we never became friends??" i don't know... we did pretty good, we had a good spot and we weren't squished. i saw al, and waving at him, but concluded he didn't see me, so i climbed the railing to say hello. like clockwork one of the bouncers came to tell me to get down. they're very adamant, persistant even. like fascists (kind of).

at 7:30 this morning (its a good thing i was late or i would've already been out the door to work) a man returned one of my calls about apartments. i'm going to see 2 on gore street this afternoon. i don't want to get my hopes up, but it would be nice if i ended up taking one of them. we'll see.

argo came up to me today and said "have you done something different??" referring to my nosering. he proceeded to tell me that it looked great and that he finds noserings very sexy. ahahaha. what a guy...

well after work tonight i'm going to need a LONG nap. yesterdays nap wasn't exactly effective. the indie concert extravaganza continues tonight. well that's a bit of an overstatment, but whatev. we're seeing metric. melinda & i are one some kind of annual metric concert streak. this is the 3rd annual concert.... or something.

singing to the ones you love and the ones you'd like to be rid of.

encounter

well this week is looking uber busy, especially this evening. so i thought to optimize my time i'd take a ten minute break at work to write today's entry.

as usual, i have much on my mind. one thing i've been pondering has been... considering women (and i realize this is a generalization) tend not to be very rational, under the right circumstances they can rationalize ANYTHING. very interesting. i think i'd like to be more like a man and learn to take everything at face value and not sit around with my friends and analyze the meaning of "hi lesley". i don't know, that's just me. or the NEW me.

sometimes i lonely for people i've never met.
sometimes i'm homesick for places i've never been.

sometimes, inspite the fact that i have a really great community around me, and really great friends, i still feel like i don't belong. where to do i fit?

have you ever had a conversation with someone that was kind of dry and dull until a certain point when you open up and finally talk about what's really on your mind? i've really been noticing that lately. i can tell when people are holding back and not sharing what's bothering them and i really feel for them. i think "if you'd just talk to me about what's on your mind then you'd feel much better and i would be relieved that we can have a REAL conversation". certain walls need to be shattered in order to live freely.

i don't feel so far away from you lately.

goat

one of my favourite things about next church is each sunday when i wake up i never know what to expect. something different or unexpected tends to happen each week. this week soon after i arrived i was walking up the middle isle towards the back and saw jason sitting there. it really suprised me, i stopped and said hello then told him i was going to sit with him and went to grab my stuff. i guess none of you will realize this, but jason was my highschool boyfriend who i was with for 3 years. sitting next to him was familar/normal and yet very strange/weird. i should be careful what i say because he's been to the next website and may find the link to my blog on it. oh well, what can you do.... "hey jay!!" what amazes me is, inspite the fact that we broke up over 6 years ago, there are still parts of our lives that are intertwined and i guess nothing is ever going to change that. small things. for example al was talking about the movie "mystery men" and i'm positive that jay and i saw that in the theatre. i know, its not a big deal, maybe i can't really explain it. its also funny that people can change so much, and yet stay exactly the same. i wonder if i seem different to him too.... well you never know, maybe we'll become friends again. something i've recently been thinking is that sometimes certain "stories" aren't yet finished even when we think they are. for example the movie "before sunset" is about a "couple" (i use that term loosely here) who met one night on a train and were supposed to meet up again but never did. they both thought their story was over until they bumped into each other in a bookstore 10 years later. now i realize this may be a little hard for you to grasp what i'm getting at, but what i'm saying is we never know what's going to happen in a year, 6 months, a week or a day. maybe we shouldn't so quickly think "i guess that will never work out" that being a job, relationship, experience, trip or whatever. just because it fell apart now, doesn't mean another opportunity will slip by later. i find that encouraging. somethings just take time, and there's no need to rush what will happen naturally in its own time.

i had lunch with kristen today. she's leaving for australia on saturday. it blows my mind that a lot will change by the time she gets back, but i know it will. its just the season of our lives. everyone is facing change of some sort. i think sometimes i forget that life is like the shifting of the worlds plates, even though it appears solid and unchanging its just an illusion.

time is a force
and it will surely take its course

tinfoil

i'm having a nice quiet day in today. i keep thinking "oh i should invite so and so over to watch a movie with me" but then i think "nah, can't be bothered".

i'm currently taking a break from making a "next standard submission box" while letting the paint dry. i'm using rubber cement, it takes me back to my college days. i love how scent and music can trigger memories, its pretty incredible really. one thing i'm excited about moving for is setting up a studio space and start painting. i've been exposed to a lot of great art lately and being in wallacks today just got me more pumped. i can't wait for summer.

i had a really interesting conversation with rhonda last night. actually, it was just a small portion of our conversation but it really struck me as something significant. sometimes warning bells go off in our heads for a reason. and i shouldn't ignore it when my brain is telling me to stay away from someone or something. that also coincides with a conversation i had with joy last week. she was saying that a cop-friend of our family was telling her "if you find someone creepy go with that instinct and don't underestimate it". there have been several times where i disregarded those feelings and in hindsight i realize i shouldn't have. so basically i've concluded i'm a smart girl and i shouldn't second guess myself.

your father in heaven, he made the world in seven,
can you put a good word in for me?

skywalker

I JUST GOT MY NOSE PIERCED!!!

AAAHHHH!!! can you believe it!!! i'm in denial or something. i'm not sure what i think of it, its a little bigger than i wanted so i'm unsure, but irina really likes it so that's encouraging. ooooh, i dunno.... ahhhhhhh. i really want to like it. i just spent 70 bucks on it, i better like it! knickers is gonna kill me, but she's been so downright rotten lately that i figured "who cares?!?!!" yes, quite exciting really. for those of you not around (or no longer working because you're now on maternity leave) i put some pics on my flickr account. i hope you like it, and at the same time i hope you don't just say you like it to be nice.

so this morning as i made my bed i got thinking about my friend lana. we rarely have contact, but we went on a road this summer and had a really fun time. then when i'd been at work for 15 minutes the phone rang and there was this woman with a chinese accent saying "you're at work already??" it was lana!! it was sooo nutts. she said she'd been thinking about me this morning but didn't have my number only my business card. it was so funny and random! so i got her email address and i'm going to go visit her in T.O. some weekend in march. she's really awesome and i really admire her. lana gave me my chinese name "ting-ting". there was some debate over its meaning, she claims it means "young girl" and vanessa another hong-kongese girl in our old office said it means "stream or river". one of our co-workers overheard that and suggested it means "babbling brook" due to my excess talking :( but mrs kinney loves me so i take no offense at her little jab.

you say that its black when i know that its white.
its always the same, its just a shame that's all.

sassy

well i'm at it again. another day another blog entry.

ooohh, i'm sooo excited. i'm seeing stars on monday and metric on tuesday!! i just picked up my metric tix. yay, hurray!! somebody's gonna be napping a lot after work next week ;)

argh, i hate it when i can't remember the topic i was going to discuss today. sometimes i think of something and look forward to coming home to writing about it. oh i know. just remembered... i've started looking for an apartment for may. i thought i'd pass on the info to you in case you hear of or see anything that would suit me.

fru fru and i are looking for a one bedroom apartment (preferrably not a basement) with parking. i'd like to be around the mcburney (a.k.a. skelton) park area (next church neighbourhood) but any place downtown would be alright just not too far from princess. i'm wanting something in the $550 to $650 range. i'd like something in a house (house converted into apartments) as opposed to an apartment block. and extra utilities is ok. there that's about it. lemme know if there's anything i've missed.

i've concluded that sometimes i look like "the joker" when i laugh – its all in the pointy eyebrows. i'll try not to be annoyed by it. my doctor told me once "lesley, when you look at your face, try not to be too critical". he has a good point.

have i ever told you that i hate my mailman? our collective dislike started many months ago when he started putting blue elastic bands around everything. i mean EVERYTHING. is sooo bloom'n annoying. i think to myself "really, is this necessary??" we've even lost several bills because they were inside a folded magazine held shut by the behated blue elastic band. our house is swimming in these stupid elastics. our mailman hits my "rage" button...

i was thinking about this today, so i thought i'd draw it to your attention:
everyone is different
no two people are not on fire. aww.

this one was overcome, yet you lost in the end.
you are on your way.

station

today has been a real jumble of moods. its been almost difficult, because i don't even know what i think or how i feel about my life. its like i'm looking through a kaledioscope, its confusing.

i feel pretty exhausted. i think i'd gotten burnt out and i'm still recovering from that. may this be a lesson to me. i was thinking today that every experience i have changes me somehow. and i think taking on too much stuff and getting burnt out has taught me my limitations. good to know. i feel as though i'm being refined. each day i'm slightly different than the person i was yesterday. i'm like water, constantly changing shape and yet my substance is the same.

i'm sure some of you have heard me talk about this before, but my theory is: i'm exactly the same person as i was when i was 6 years old. i'm still this kid in my head and who i am is no different. my circumstances change. my reactions and my views change, but i am unchanged and will remain unchanged. i hope i'm explaining myself clearly.

i've been feeling really shy lately, just the last couple days. actually maybe since i got sick last week & burnt out. i sure hope my outgoing side comes back. i just need to continue lying low and recoupe. i'm not entirely sure if its shyness exactly, i just feel like i don't have anything interesting to say.

i really enjoyed melinda's show today on cfrc. it was really funny because she would make these comments and they were like inside jokes between me and her. i was cracking up in my cube as i listened.

same old thing but i don't know which way to go.

pro bono

I'M SO HAPPY!!

i'm totally on a natural high right now. i'm just so excited about life!!

i'm in my room (my clean room), working on the youth for christ newsletter, listening to cut copy. actually, cut copy with everything makes me super happy or should i say super dancy. cut copy & dishes, cut copy & cleaning, cut copy & chillin. awesome. does life get any better than this? seriously...

the next few months hold a lot of changes for me and the people around me. what's gonna happen? i don't know. and right now, i'm ok with that. for the first time in my life i'm not totally freaked by change. maybe its this new whole "roll with the punches" mentality i've developed. or maybe its just apart of being content.

so i woke up quite well rested this morning. that's refreshing. i hope i sleep ok tonight. although, usually designing in the evening makes me really wired. i'm hoping to get lots done tonight and then watch gilmore girls at 10 in my jammies. so maybe my brain will be a little more relaxed by 11.

oh baby. i'm just so freakin happy. i'm gleeful even.

i draw near to you. i sink deep down into you.

concentrate

tonight as i drove melinda down to the goat she says to me "sometimes i do stupid things, but not usually. i don't usually like to stalk men in they're workplace of work". hahaha. melinda is an infatuated crackhead. i love it. sometimes its great being a girl. sometimes i feel like "lets all be retarded together". hahahaha.

man, i was up sooo late last night that when i woke up i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach repeatedly. i was not in good shape. i've got to go to bed early tonight. i'll aim for 9 in hopes of being in bed by 9:30, maybe 10 at the latest.

i'm trying this new thing... i'd like to respond more truthfully when people say "hi, how are you?". not like i've been lying, but i don't want to just let "fine" roll off my tongue without any thought. on the other hand a brutally honest answer isn't appropriate either. a couple weeks ago, april passed a man in the hall and did the whole "how are you" thing and he was like "oh, i'm doing better. went through a rough patch with the missus, she almost kicked me out..." she was stunned. not exactly what you'd expect. i'm going to chose a happy medium, like today for example "hi lesley, how are you?" "oh i'm alright, feeling a little tired but not bad. how bout you?" see? that also expands the conversation some because they can say "oh, why are you tired?"

my sister is always saying "i don't understand how you can have a blog. saying all that personal stuff on the internet..." i've tried to explain it to her. and have also pointed out its only as personal as you want it to be. perhaps i'm too open sometimes. man, i think i'm in some kind of commenting drought right now. where are all the commenters?? i'm lonely for my commenters... man, i am sooo overly dramatic. is everyone as melodramatic as me? melinda is, but since when is mindy the social norm. i think i'm doomed.

well i should go. i have some loafing to do before i go to bed.

i'm so glad that i'm an island now.

yes

i'm liking melinda's dreamy state. its cute and very entertaining. but something new has come to my attention. the concept of "mutual stalking". i think we're all guilty of "googling" our crushes names. but the thought never crossed my mind that it could go both ways. it turns out that melinda and "the bus driver" have both googled each other. aww, how romantic. its amazing how the line between "romantic" and "creepy" is so fine. i once had a guy drop an origami bird on my table in the caf in college, it was extremely creepy because the guy was, well, creepy. BUT if he'd been someone cute or interesting or someone i was into it would have been very romantic. see what i'm saying? like i know a girl who pined over this guy for 7 years, and finally they hooked up (yes, urban legend turned reality – friends CAN turn into lovers), but if they'd never gotten married, no wait, if they'd never dated at all, it would have just been some pathetic girl crushing on a loser who didn't see her true value. i don't know.

i'm going to enjoy the new drama in our lives and appreciate the fact that my life is dramaless and try to keep it that way.

all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name.

itchy

ahh... sigh. what a relief! i've finally cleaned my room. it was an utter disaster since last saturday when i was rumaging thru my drawers trying to decide what to wear to fake prom. both melinda and irina were saying "i don't know how you can be in here with such a mess". but i made sure to leave it until i had time and didn't clean it when i stayed home sick that day. i needed to recoup.

this morning i woke up feeling like i needed some "me time" so i took myself on a date. with myself :) we went to... oh that just makes me sounds insane. i went to morrisons for breakfast and then went to the sleepless goat for a pot of tea. i also stalked an apartment i'm interested in renting in may.

so caleb is turning out to look exactly like me. its really interesting. joy is constantly startled when she catches glimpses of him from certain angles and is blown away by the resemblance. this is a very unusal experience for me, for once instead of being told "oh you have mcknight eyes" or "you have your uncle's nose", its now "caleb's nose is just like yours!!" i like it. we've always been very detached from the mcknights, and in many ways i can understand how it would feel to be adopted because my mom and joy look very much a like and have the same hands & feet, i never saw how i fit into the family tree. it wasn't until i was 18 that i realized that i wasn't some freak with an unusually large gap in her toes – all my mcknight cousins have that too! really i bet caleb is going to look a lot like my dad. but we don't have any pics of him younger than 15ish so we have nothing to compare him to. my baby pics look identical to cabe.

i can see the future now but only when i blink.

chaos

i'm totally into jim guthrie right now. melinda was teasing me about it. it is really strange actually. because like, i saw him in concert about a year & a half ago and at the time didn't know any of his stuff. i mostly went to hang out with melinder & andrew. but now i'm all jim guthrie all the time. for the last few entries and my msn name have included guthrie quotes. i always seem to go see bands or musicans that i'm not familar with then get into them afterwards. that's why i'm so psyched about stars in a couple weeks, because i'm a big fan. i heart stars.

today we had a surprise baby shower for mayelin. april sent everyone an email telling us that the location of our party was changed, i stupidly responded (with history) to her and included mayelin telling them about my day at home sick. so of course she sees the info at the bottom of the email and the email title. sometimes i'm retarded. its like the time i was telling joy right in front of my mom's friends, that my dad spilled the beans that she (joy) was pregnant, meanwhile my mom hadn't told her friends yet because they'd just had a miscarriage. again, sometimes i'm retarded.

i'm babysitting with my dad tonight, and am having dinner with j+t before hand. she's feeling all cooped up and caleb is teething so he's driving her crazy. i'm gonna vege out and wear comfy clothes.

can you make something out of nothing?

freak out

well... all i can say is: there is no wrath like a woman scorned. believe you me, i've burn many a bridge in fits of anger, but nothing like my last one. i feel bad because i totally ruined a friendship – a friendship i really enjoy. and i WILL miss him. but i just couldn't do it anymore, my heart was involved and i kept being jerked around. part of me wants to apologize for the harshness of my words, to somehow repair his opinion of me. but on the other hand i'm really glad i let him have it, maybe he'll think twice before leading another girl on. whatever, he's not the first guy to think i'm nutts and probably won't be the last.

whatshisface: if you DO ever read this (which i doubt you ever will), i'm sorry for the things i said...

well i stayed home from work today. i'm just printing out the standard and then i'll be able to go back to vegging on the couch. hmm and i think i'll brush my teeth too. gross. i watch mens figure skating today and i saw one of the bombardier commericals. have you guys seen them??? its funny to me that i see the streetcar and immediately know "that's milan". i'm totally like the people in the commericals, everywhere i go "ouh, that's a bombardier train" "that's a bombardier plane". its kind of embarrassing that those people are supposed to be all stupid and obsessed and i'm like that in real life. hahahaha. oh well, i'm proud of my bombardier. you should be TOO. melissa said she sees those commercials and thinks of me, its cute.

well my teeth are begging to be brush so i should go.

grass whithers, flowers fall

invisible

well i think i've discovered what's been causing the burning in my stomach. subconsciously, to counter-act the stress i'm been trying to convince myself "it doesn't really matter" which i think may have made matters worse. it just makes me feel dumb that it matters to me even if it doesn't matter to anyone else. i've concluded that its ok for it to matter to me, but explaining that to my stomach is a totally different story. you know, i think the reason why i'm upset is because it makes me feel like i don't matter. why don't i matter? its frustrating and hurtful.

i'm sick or gradually getting sick. its annoying. i wish i was either sick or healthy. i came home a couple hours early today and skipped the Y. i think i've been trying to fit too much in my life. like this evening alone i had 3 things planned. tisk, tisk les. just because you have a few spare hours doesn't mean you should fill them up. if i'm still feeling not good i'm going to stay home tomorrow and relax all day. that may be hard, i'm feeling really high strung. my heart feels as though its beating unusually fast. uh-oh.

melinda and i are going to see shopgirl tonight. we both read the book a long time ago and are excited about the movie. its just a little thin book so i think they'll be able to stick to the plot closely. i have to say, steve martin isn't at all how imagined the older man so this should be interesting. it makes sense though since he wrote the book.

good-bye until hello

strobe

i'm falling asleep. i'm very tired. plus, i'm starting to wonder if i have mono. can you get mono twice?? i'm gonna have to look into that. it stays in your system, so you can't give blood. i guess its possible then and my symptoms are similar...

last night i was really wound and was up until midnight. as i got into bed, melinda stood in my room talking to me. then she stayed after she turned off the light. after a while she sat down on my bed as we talked then eventually got into bed with me. hahahaha. it was funny. and fun.

so tell me something... if you see the guy you like in a café with a girl on valentine's day what do you think that means? nothing maybe? it would mean nothing to me. i'd have coffee with a guy on valentine's day and it wouldn't mean anything, but not everyone is like me. some people are very nostalgic about these things. hmmm. seriously, i'm asking you a question...

ok, well i've gotta boogie.

you can shave your heavy head in my carpeted hallway.

boycotte

wow, i can't believe how painfully slow this issue of the standard is going. this is my first one in 2 months and i have terrible designer's block. and to make matters worse, i need to get it done tonight because i'm super busy the rest of the week. argh, i don't know what i'm gonna do. maybe i've been taking on too much. but i can't help myself, i like all the things i do.

my stomach has been in knots for days now. this happens from time to time. my stomach is very sensitive, if i'm upset it goes right to my gut. i can't figure out what's upsetting me. usually when its unexplainable i spend a couple days racking my brain trying to figure out what's bothering me. usually it is because there always a reason behind it. although there have been times when it was nothing at all, and really in hindsight it may have just been my stupid acid reflux. i shake my fist at you!!!

tomorrow night i'm going to the sleepless goat at 8 to see melinda accompany a duo called "kyra & tully" on her cello. i'm excited. if you're not busy, come on by!! i know, i haven't given you much notice. i stink. all my single friends and friends in "undefined relationships" are especially invited.

well back to work... i've got to wrap this thing up.

this heart is breaking.

shrink

its interesting how you can perceive someone in a certain way and in fact have them all wrong. i've been thinking about this recently because my trip to p-burgh shone new light onto knickers. she's a very fearful person. i had NO idea. i think that's why she's so over protective of me. because she sees me thru scared eyes and under-estimates me.

i think that's what it comes down to, we impose ourselves onto other people. i had a friend once who always told me that i was actually really dull, boring, unwild and lame (nice friend huh?). it used to really frustrate me that he had me SOOO wrong, but i couldn't bash it into his friend that i wasn't a lamo loser. but in hindsight, HE is all those things (i'm not saying that to be mean, its actually true). i have another friend who is always saying that i'm adventurous, bubbly, crazy and wild, that's intriguing because he's actually really hyper himself. do you see what i'm saying?

how often do we misinterpret people? how often do we reveal ourselves incorrectly, letting someone have the wrong impression of us? hmmm, i think i do that more often than i'd like.

so i went to fake prom last night. hahahaa. it was really fun. i'm so glad i went. i didn't know anyone and meghan was really super busy, but that was ok. some people came and started chatting with me and we ended up dancing and i danced the entire night. it feels good to be able to go and mingle with a bunch of strangers and have a good time. that is really new for me. i've never been like that before. i guess its one of those "you never know what you're capable of until you do it" things. thanks for inviting me meghan :)

you can be in love for eight years and fall in love again.

lebanon

I'M BACK!! did you miss me???

well i had a totally awesome fun time in blitzburgh!! its a really amazing city, i had no idea it was so hilly/mountainy. i've never seen such a place, i was so facinated as i drove around in the back of my mini limousine.

i made it to the andy warhol museum and it was really great. i'm soooo glad i made it. it was really funny because all the staff were these young artsy people who just sat around and reaked of anti-establishment. i found it so facinating because they were clearly fine art students and here in canada you can't work in a museum unless your bilingual so they don't hire just anybody. it was a really nice old building, and all the art was so vivacious, it was really inspiring.

after that i went to the hotel and went swimming for a half-hour. i swan and sung and splashed. it was great. then i used the gym and had a mircowave dinner. i had such a full day and i have to say... i'm a pretty good companion!!

here's a pic of me on my kingsized bed. i slept sideways because it was as wide as it was long!! i'm gonna load some more photos from my trip onto my flickr account so maybe check that out.

the rest of the time went really well. i can't be bothered to go into it all. i had a good time at the office and met about 25 people. they were all so excited to meet me. i didn't realize i was so famous!! i'm serious!!

perhaps it seems odd that a casual meeting on the street could have brought about such change. but i really do think that if you'd been there to see what i saw, and feel what i felt, the same might have happened to you.

all's fair in love and war??

i am sooo passive aggressive. i've gotten my nose slightly bent out of shape over something stupid. so in turn, i'll try to avoid and ignore this person while they remain completely unware of the fact that my feelings have been hurt. yes, i am pathetic. no one knows it better than me.

well i'm all packed and ready to go first thing tomorrow. i adore that all my friends are so excited about this trip with me. its really cute since its just pittsburgh i know that's not a big deal, but its really significant to me because its a business trip. and i guess that's why everyone shares my excitment.

marilyn and frank have helped me plan my escapade to the andy warhol museum behind knickers' back. i said "knickers will kill me if she knew i was calavanting around pittsburgh all on my own" and marilyn said "what she doesn't know won't hurt her..." right on. she's all teaching me to be sneaky and crafty ;)

i should run, i've got to go get some american money and pick up a glamour magazine.

just to float on a sea find myself on a page of history.

hindsight

well i'm trying to get my laundry done. and then i need to pack a little. but that's kind of hard to do until the morning of. like there's all this stuff you have to leave out until the day you leave. so i found out today that francisco is taking the same flight as me. that should be a riot, fran is probably the best traveling companion i could choose from work. he's really fun.

i was just looking on the internet for some info on this hotel i'm staying at. i'll be there all by myself, not even fran will be there with me. i'm psyched. i'll swim in the pool, use the gym, watch the cable t.v. awe, it will be a mini holiday/adventure. here's my digs.

there's a new guy at work and it turns out i know him. he went to another youth group in town and my youth group used to have joint events with them sometimes. it was interesting because he knew who i was immediately. it surprised me because although i know him, i just assumed i was invisible. i always know people and they never know me, or at least i don't think they do. there's this one couple at church that i keep seeing everywhere and because i've never actually met them before i end up snubbing them. one of these days i'm gonna have to introduce myself to them so i can stop being rude. because i'm pretty sure they know who i am in this case. i'm a rude dude.

you're going to tell me the answers
i'll know
when you come back to me.

vespa

i had plans with alison to go out for lunch. we then invited hordes of other people along and ended up with a group of 7 people. it was really funny because they sat us at this massive table, and it felt like meghan was sitting miles away and i kept waving at her.

as i sat around the banquet table i got thinking how all of them other than kristen are students. and that totally blows because they'll all move away in a couple months. actually, not meghan yet, but next year. that's the total down side to becoming friends with students. i was telling this to melinda who suggested i have an anti-students rule, but that seems a little unreasonable.

so i had an incredibly unproductive afternoon, i had a nap, watched the t.v., knitted. that's it. i really should have been doing my laundry, and i have no excuse because its not like i have to go anywhere, we have laundry facilities. i'll have to do it tomorrow night, then pack tuesday because i'm leaving for pittsburgh on wednesday. i don't know how i'm gonna fit everything in the next few days, i'm going to my mom's for dinner tomorrow then to the Y. and on tuesday i'm going to see reno's hitman at battle of the bands with sarah.

i've been moody to the extreme today. hyper, giddy, shy, crabby, tired, smiley. when melinda first got up this morning she saw me and knew immediately that something was up "what did you do???" were her first words. i love that she knows me so well that she can see right through me. like, it doesn't take much for someone to recognize that its unusual for me to wake up happy, but the fact that she questioned the REASON is the key.

come baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour.

eat a sandwich

i love that when melinda and i went to windmills today we sat on the same side of the booth.

i love that when beckie and i went to tim horton's tonight we had an explicit/very personal conversation.

this afternoon i once again found my room in utter chaos. i thought i'd take a before & after photo to shame myself into keeping it tidy. so lets see how long i can keep this up...

to the pure you are pure.

capri

i have a very petite kat sitting on my desk between me and my keyboard. its making typing very difficult...

i just got home from babysitting joelle and caleb. they're totally awesome, i love 'em to pieces!! its amazing watching this little baby grow into this little person with weird quirks. caleb moves constantly! and joelle is obsessed with her glasses, when we were colouring in her baber colouring book she made me draw glasses on all the elephants. hahahaha. like what a weirdo! seriously, everyone is born with strange neurosis, we couldn't have taught her to be that way.

my dad and i always tag-team babysit as the "dynamic duo". its some good quality time together, which is nice. i like that he's really interested in what i do and asks me all sorts of questions, i think that's where i get that from. whenever he reads about BBD in the newspaper he always brings me a copy of the article, its cute and funny because usually i've already read about it at work, its a nice jesture though.

i'm feeling a little rancid. i sure hope i'm not getting sick. i've been nauseous since yesterday, there's some kind of bug going around, i don't want to get it. i don't have time to be sick. like living room is starting up again this sunday and then i'm going to pittsburgh on wednesday.

i have this thing about "expanding my vocabulary". i think that brits have a larger grasp of the the english language that us canadjuns. sometimes it surprises me what new words come out of my mouth unpremeditated. is that a word?? ok that doesn't count. i realize that.

will i ever reach the shore?

scissors

hahahahaha, you know what i realized?? i have this note from melinda taped to my monitor as a reminder to not do stupid things. no one ever sits at my computer other than me so i've never thought anything of it. but i realized that michel totally would have seen it yesterday. ahahaha, its a really funny note. i WOULD tell you what it says, BUT i know without a doubt that you'd ALL know what it means, inspite its obsurity and you'd be like "huh? oh she... ahhh...". i'm sure you're thinking "oh no, not me, i won't know what its referring to" but believe me.... you would.

i read once "when you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but a confusion. its only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all". i'd have to agree with that. you have to keep in mind every day that THIS is your life, and not some prelude. there's this person i know who is unhappy with how her life has turned out, and spends her time mopping about it. and i just want to shake her and say THIS IS YOUR LIFE! START LIVING IT OR THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE THAT YOU WASTED IT COMPLAINING!! gotta love that john lennon line "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". i am now. i only exist in this moment.

i am neither the victim or the villian of this story.

rice

things went well with michel today. it was really funny because i kept pumping him with questions "why this", "why that", then i got into questions about switzerland, and germany, and the russian occupation of east germany, until he said "lesley... i'm only here one day!" so many questions! i didn't realize i was such an inquizitive person, but it makes sense kind of. i do like to know stuff. and i retain info like a sponge. he's a real cutie, slightly different than i expected but not a lot really. it was surreal because i'd hear his voice and knew it was him, but didn't recognize the face it was with. he's very soft spoken.

well i went to the toucan tonight to meet up with april and mayelin. a group of us from work were supposed to be going, however, no one other than me and this guy ken showed up. it was a tad awkward. i felt like i was on a date with him minus any attraction or desire to be around him. thankfully i could make good conversation with a lamp post if need be, so we chatted easily for quite a while. good thing i'm a train nerd that's all i can say.

its not a big thing
its almost small
a passing coversation
that's all
but there it is
a revelation
here it comes
the irritation