katinka

TODAY.... i adopted two little kitties. i'm SO excited. they're lovely. i felt "one is for me, two are for each other". i'm not home A LOT, and it didn't seem fair to get a little kitty and leave him home all the time by himself. i think it was hard on fru, and i always regretted separating him from his brother.

these are my kitties. they're brother and sister.
the girl's name is honey, and the boy's name is pekoe.

the picture on the top is pekoe. he's a silver tabby and is slightly cross-eyed. it's adorable.

the picture on the bottom is honey. she's a brown tabby and is wheezing a little bit because she's getting over a cold.

i'm gonna have to get them fixed asap because they're siblings, and i don't want any funny business going on.

i'm really enjoying them. i drove all the way to belleville to get them. it was a nice little roadtrip, i went all by myself. i like that i just got in the car and drove – that i can do that. being an adult is really great.

i got my heart monitor off yesterday. i'm so glad, i'm allergic to the tape and my skin is all red and itchy. having this electronic device stuck on my body was a funny experience, i liked to imagine that i was undercover and was bugged.

ah, the weather is SO beautiful out. i always say i love summer, but i love spring too, and i also like fall. i drove with the window down and basked in the sunshine.

it's a hard parade,
just be courageous.

irrational fear of bears

well i've got this heart monitor strapped to my chest. ooh, it's itchy. the lady was very nice and let me walk around the office with no shirt on. oh... did i say let me? i meant had to. i asked her all sorts of questions as she did her thing, it wasn't that i didn't trust her, i was just very interested in what she was doing. she gave me a piece of paper that i have to write stuff down. when she hooked it up, she said "oh my your heart is going 25 beats faster than eariler" i was surprised to hear that because i didn't feel anything in particular. she said "it must be going very fast when you can actually feel it". its kind of nice to know that i'm not crazy or imagining it, but on the other hand, i'm not thrilled about having any problems with my heart. i've been very blessed to be relatively healthy.

there was a bit of a mix up because she had written down that i was a male. i'm not sure how that happened because i am in fact a female. it was partly due to this unisex name i have. but that wasn't fully to blame because that's the info she got from wendy at dr. pritchard's office. oh well, no harm done, it just meant she didn't have to shave my chest.

i recently realized it was time to retire my spring/fall coat. i bought it at goodwill when i was 16, it was old, the zipper was broken and not weather conducive – it was hot when it was hot out and cold when it was cold out. so i decided to buy me a vest. it's brown and i got it 50% off. i questioned whether i could pull off the vest thing, but decided that if i put a button on it, that would make it "very lesley" so it would be all good. i must admit, i like it quite a lot. it feels very grown-up.

frank is having to do a major spring cleaning in his office. he's sorting out and throwing out 20 years worth of stuff. he's a pack-rat. i noticed a stack of photos faced down so i picked one up to see what it was and found its this really beautiful night shot of a TTC subway station. so i took one (since he had a dozen) and picked up a nice frame, and now i have me a beautiful piece of art! and all it cost me was the price of the frame.

so, bbd had increased the number of website that it has blocked. this includes blogger. i'm shut down. at least on the job, which is funny since just yesterday i was talking about blogging at work. its kind of nice though, checking blogs can be very addictive, and addictions tend to end up controling our lives. so in a strange way, this limitation is liberating.

you know our hearts beat time out very slowly.

magnum

i am currently at melissa's house doing my laundry and using her computer while she's not here. i hope it's ok that i'm using her macbook. its interesting because i was just recently thinking about how i've never written an entry anywhere but at home. oh except at work, but that's still my computer. haha, its kind of funny to think i have two computers! i love them both...

when it comes to computers, there's nothing i hate more than when a software or operating system gets upgraded and actually becomes less innovative. ARGH! i HATE that.

this afternoon i was sitting in my cube feeling really uncomfortable in my clothes. i couldn't wait to get home and change out of them. then i realized... "its not my pants, its the fact that i haven't been getting any exercise for the whole month of march!!" so when i got home from work, i went for a long walk around the big block (the memorial centre). i quite enjoyed myself, swinging my arms as i marched. at top lesley speed, i managed to get all the way around and home again in 25 minutes. good to know. it felt great. i like being active.

since last night's entry, i've come across at least 3 different potential kitties, and all of them have fallen thru. i'm feeling ok, although it's hard continuously getting my hopes up like that. but finding the right kitty is important. the same goes with men, i wouldn't just marry any ole guy, so i'm not going to adopt any ole kitty either. i have to hold out for the right one and not feel pressured into bringing home one that other people think i should get. my mom tried to convince me to adopt this year old she'd seen a the pet store, she chalked up my disinterest to me being "in a snit". which really annoyed me, then that PUT me in a snit. but i'm very particular, and since it's my cat, i want to feel 100% about it. i'm stubborn.

aside from losing fru, i'm doing quite well. it dawned on me that i've been "crush-free" since the new year. it's nice. i haven't been crush-free since a month in 1997. yikes. what a record, not something i'm proud of. i've done the "single thing" for 3 years now, and yet i'm only now experiencing being truly single. it feels good. i'm done with unrequited love.

my saddlebags are full of wishes.

pay phone

no such luck with finding a potential kitty-mate. melinda and i hit the humane society to discover they only had TWO cats. TWO CATS total. and no kittens. apparently there's a "cat season" and that's not for another couple months. so it looks like its just gonna be me and the empty house for a WHILE longer. this SUCKS ASS!! i HATE that fru died. i love him and miss him!!! i'm sad :(

i went to the doctor today and i have to get a heart monitor stuck on my chest for 24 hours. he explained rapid and irregular heart beats, and said this heart monitor is just a precaution. he doesn't suspect anything serious but doesn't want to gamble. i left feeling convinced it's the stress in my life and when i got thinking about it i don't actively have any hobbies. i have things i like to do, but i haven't been doing them. i'm too busy doing other stuff. i need my hobbies, for my mental and physical health. therefore, i'm going to finish refurbishing my kitchen chairs and i'm going to pick up drawing again. in light of this i wanted to spend a chunk of this evening chilling out. so i had a candle-lit bubble bath while eating chocolate and listening to enya. *sigh*

i like how my taxman is amusingly effeminate. i look forward to seeing him every year.

i've become obsessed with moisturizing my face. both my parents have good skin as a result of using cream. i'm not afraid of wrinkles, i'm only 27, but i'm certain my future-self will thank my present-self for being so considerate.

you don't need a reason, just let the rain go on and on.

serious (problem)

i have no illusions. i realize that most people don't really enjoy hearing about other people's pets as much as the pet owner – unless they've met them or something. however, considering my present state, i find i talk about fru or adopting a new kitty at least 50% of the time. it's very therapeutic and i appreciate that talking about it makes me feel better.

tomorrow after my doctor's appointment about my rapid heart, melinda and i are going to go to the humane society to see about a kitten. i'm excited, the thought of a new kitty warms my heart a great deal. the thought of bringing home a new kitty on saturday is getting me thru the week in this quiet and empty house. once i decided on a name, i felt new hope about the future. i'm scared i won't find a kitten i liked as much as fru. he was awesome. he was quirky. i hope i find one that has its own unique personality, but is equally as awesome in its own special way.

i'd like to curl up in bed with my feet warm reading for a while. ooh, that sounds nice. just gonna finish this entry then do the dishes.

this evening i met up with irina and melinda at the goat. frig, i was in an odd mood, and pretty much laughed at everything melinda said. even things that weren't supposed to be funny. it was fun, and nice to see gus.

small the town and big the mess,
that i cause with every step,
but still i walk, nonetheless.

princess towers

my heart is racing almost constantly now. i've lied on the couch for the entire afternoon in hopes that it may help me relax and slow my heart rate. i feel a heart-attack coming on. that can't be good.

fru's absence hits me in the most unexpected ways. i had no idea he filled certain holes in my heart. i wish he was here.

last night sandwich and i went to go see the painted veil. it was sold out so we saw 300 instead. which i think is incredible funny because we went to see a chick-flick and ended up seeing the polar-opposite. with the blood and violence and explicit sexual content. it was very interesting. it made the book of esther make WAY more sense.

today i watched "prelude to a kiss". meg ryan's character was a graphic designer!!! i've never seen a movie before where someone was a graphic designer. neat! but she was working as a bartender. sounds familiar.

everyone i know goes away in the end.

ton of bricks

i took fru to the vet.
and i had to have him put down.

he'd gotten into my yarn and swallowed it, except some of it got caught around his tongue so it wasn't able to leave his system. it would have caused his intenstines to pull together like an accordion and it would have eventually ripped right thru them. they were going to have to perform surgery that would cost $1200.00 and they couldn't guarantee that it would work or even that he'd live thru the surgery. he was terribly de-hydrated and his eyes were sunken into his head. he would have had to stay there for 3 days to be hydrated. he was very unwell. he was not himself, he was like a zombie. it was awful to see him that way. that was the only thing that made it easy to let him go. he may not have fully recovered. i said my good-byes to him, i know that he loved me, unfortunately he was in such a state that he didn't interact or even recognize me. i was prepared for that possibility. when i left, the thought occurred to me that i might come home without him, but in that case i sort of expected that they might just keep him overnight.

he was my fru-fru and i loved him. he meant so much to me partly because back in 2004 after my stupid boyfriend dumped me and i was living in a crappy bachelor apartment, he was the only friend i had in the world (other than melinda). he's been my pal for 4 years. he'd been with me thru some really significant changes. i thought he'd be with me for 20 years, so i didn't even take many pictures of him.

i called my mom from the vet's when they gave me the prognosis, and she came down to be with me. i really appreciated that. as i waited for her my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating fast. it felt like the equivalent to patting my head and rubbing my stomach at the same time. it just added to my stress. although, the vet and staff were very sympathetic and supportive.

my subconscious expected him to be here when i got home, even though i was carrying his empty carrier. i'm going to miss him a lot. he was such an unusual guy. he played fetch, and was very vocal. he was cuddly and would sleep on my feet every night. he will be missed. it's just so sudden.

i loved that no matter what, i was his. i belonged to him as much as he did to me. and no matter what i was to anyone else, or how anyone else viewed me. to him, i was just his human. i was his person. i love that it's so simple. it's nice to know that the only thing he wanted or expected from me was love and food. nothing else. it's a liberating identity.

i feel like i've lost my sidekick.

it reminded me of time i spent with you – it was beautiful.

frühlinsanfang

well it was an exciting morning. with the firemen and the carbon monoxide and the sirens. glaven! all before before 8:30.

a strong heart will prevail.

thimble

my house smells like febreze, carpet cleaner, air freshener and puke. fru-fru is very sick. yes, i've heard about the cat food recall, but i don't feed him wet-food. i don't think he's puked since the middle of the night. so maybe 18 hours ago. but the poor kitty looks like he's been kicked in the belly. oh dear. i would feel terrible if something happens to him. he's such a character. a little weirdo.

i got the newsletter completely done tonight and after that i even sat and watched the t.v.! can you believe it!?! i can hardly believe it myself. i had to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with watching the t.v. instead of vaccuming or doing my dishes or whatever. to just sit. to vege. i can't believe its come to this. oh dear. i fear i'm becoming my mother. yikes!

besides, multi-tasking is over-rated.

in spite all my stress and rapid heart-rate, i'd have to say things are going quite well. work has been good. spring is just around the corner. i've been able to put some miles between me and my heartbreak, and i rarely look back. i'm feeling decent about myself. got a small raise at work. my new routine of doing my dishes and putting away my clothes is still going strong. i'm eating well – cooking creatively for myself. i have all i need and then some. so i realize things are good, and i won't complain. i'll figure out a balance, and learn not to fill up all my free time with tasks or activities. it'll just take some time.

i'm gonna go to bed early. yay!

there is no there there.

town meeting

i've realized i'm more of the "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves" mentality. also, i'm prone to just think "aw, screw'em".

i know i've said this before, but... ignorance is not bliss, its just ignorance.

i can't help but wonder... has fru puked in EVERY room in my house? is he done puking? what's making him puke? questions, questions, more questions.

only a fool claims to be wise.

i'm a pomegranate. what can i say. i'll spend my entire life discovering new hidden compartments.

i'm trying to remove my "chore" or "task" train of thought. i want to cast of anything that feels like a burden or obligation. its not that i'll stop doing things, i'm just going to abandon the element of "have to". its not my activities that make me feel miserable, its the pretense by which i do them.

waiting for something that'll never arrive.

butterfly

i find it hilarious that my entire family is crazy about george stroumboulopoulos and think the would be perfect for me. hahaha. i have to admit, they're getting better at identifying my taste in men. i recently came to the conclusion that i want to marry sufjan stevens... i wonder if he's available.

over lunch, joy and tim tried to explain to my mom's new housemate why i'm cool and they're not. she wasn't quite grasping what cool is, and thought that anyone who is just themself and didn't care what people thought was classified as cool. but joy told her that a lot of uncool people don't care what people think, and that doesn't make them less uncool. they ultimately decided that george stroumboulopoulos was cool, and this brought the conversation back round to him.

joy's friend donna thinks joy's very cool, and she laughs and says "no, my sister's cool". i find that strange. i'm not trying to be cool, i'm just me. i do what i want. so i was surprised to hear her say that with admiration. this has come up various times over the years, when we'd fight. she was always the outgoing sister and i was the cool sister. she was the well-liked sister, i was the different sister. i always felt as though i lived in her shadow, and i think she felt ordinary compared to me. i think we've since become more comfortable with who we are, and i find now that i want for her what she wants for her. and vise versa.

i think some people just ooze cool. like paul newman or james dean. there's no defining it or capturing it. there's no faking it either. i wish i could think of some cool chicks, but every one i think of is also pretty screwed up! why are all cool chicks screwed up somehow!?! that's very interesting to me.

wow! i've actually written an entire entry on one specific topic! that's a first!

cool my brains and soothe my head.

cozy

today is st patrick's day. i don't really dig st. patty's day, probably because i'm not a big drinker. however, when i look around at everyone going nutty about it, i usually think "at least i'm irish..." i find it so odd to see people get so excited about it when not even be their heritage. i'm not super in touch with my irish roots, i'm pretty much only irish by name. i like my last name, although, sometimes i wish i had a more flowing name like maya angelou. her name just gracefully slides off the tongue as practically a single word. my name is very syllable defined les•ley mc•knight. so... back to my heritage. i remember my dad saying once "i don't wear green on st. patrick's day. we're from the north. we're orange". yep, we're from northern ireland, outside of belfast. i was talking to my mom today and she said to me "an irish father and a scotish mother. gosh, quite the combination..." i laughed and said "no wonder i'm feisty!" below is the mcknight clan coat of arms. i found a website that explained the definition, but i already knew it – mc = "son of" and knight = "knight". not hard. i DID learn though, that mcknight can be used interchangeably with "mcruddery" which i got a real kick out of. hahaha. not that far from the truth. hahaha. while we're on this topic, i'll share with you that lesley means "grey fort" and meredith means "protector of the sea". i'm like a friggin warrior princess!


i've had a crazy social day. breakfast/lunch with laney and melissa. went to the goat to read when beckie arrived with her friends kate and anne. so i joined them. then after being there for 3 hours, rhonda and isaac came by hoping to find me there so i could help her pick out a new computer. it was fun. and i still enjoyed most of the afternoon and all of the evening at home by myself. i talked to my mom on the phone for 70 minutes! which was crazy since we never do that. it was a nice talk. at one point i was telling her "because i have a dysfunctional background....", she grimaced and said "ya, sorry about that". meh, whatever. hahaha.

i went to modern primitive today looking for a new choker, but they didn't have what i was looking for. BUT while i was there i spotted these really super awesome studs!! they're very cool and i've never seen anything like them before. they're made of sterling silver and sea shells. they're from thailand. they're very cool. i loves them, i LOVES them. they're chunky, they have substance. i like jewelry with a presence.

i saw three roads, and i didn't know,
which way to go-go-go.

trots

melinda and i just watched "running with scissors" it was a little on the creepy side. and now i'm waiting for her to be ready for me to drive her home.

i met up with her at the goat today, it was really funny to walk in the door and to find her sitting at a table with beckie and her friend kate. its like "worlds colliding" or "realities merging". as i sat there, i thought about how they are my two friends who moved far away and now i was sitting with them both at the same time at the goat.

we had basmati rice and pizza for dinner. with ginger ale.

i want to have good news to report
every time i come up for air.

flood

apparently stress and anxiety run in my family. i didn't realize that. i wouldn't say i'm suffering from anxiety, but i am extremely stressed out. i just needed some space, some time to myself. to such the extent that i didn't answer my door this evening when i heard the door-bell and it was obvious that i was home. i need to kick it down a few notches.

i feel like i need a social diet. or i need to just sit around and not be multi-tasking.

i dunno. my identity has changed so much in recent years that i don't know which extreme is more me. bored, no-life lesley... or crazy, socially overwhelmed lesley?? i have no clue. i just want to be me, i just need to pull that out from under all the clutter.

waa-waa. boo-hoo. poor me.
JUST KIDDING!

i have no drama in my life. i'm glad. in my present state, there's nothing about me to gossip about. it's a squeaky clean life for me. i need to shake off the notion that no drama equals a dull existence. i'm not complaining, i just wanted to share that i'm stressed and my heart is racing from being overwhelmed. i'm not fully recovered from my breakdown, so i need to remind myself to take it easy and not be over loaded. pspd is the best outlet to let everyone know i still need some breathing space.

i like listening to banjo music in my cube.

my baby's got the lonesome lows,
don't quite go away overnight.

sniff

do you think i'm an intimidating person?? i intimidated TWO different people today in two different circumstances by simply being myself! it's strange. i didn't think anyone would have any reason to be intimidated by me. lesley.

sad news (kind of), i don't get to go to berlin. BOOOOOOO. but i'm doing ok. not too devastated.

i talked to ferrence today, and was saying that my problem is that i don't have a travel companion. i have the desire to travel. i COULD just go to berlin for vacation, i have the vacation time and the means to do so. but no one to go with. all my friends either don't have a job with vacation, are in school, have kids, have a spouse, have dogs, or can't afford a trip. i wish i knew more people in the same stage of life as me so we could do a little traveling. ferrence's solution to this problem is for me to become his salsa partner. argh, i don't see how that would solve anything. he just needs a dance partner. especially since i declined. however, melissa and i might be going to mexico next year during her reading week. i really really hope that pans out.

i'm still plugging away at mere christianity. i've been too busy to read lately. but i wanted to share with you what i read today: "the sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. the thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly or not to live in a beautiful place? by no means, in both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest." wow, that's amazing. and so true. we grow so accustomed to things that we forget our first excitement. i always thought it was a result of our nature as humans to always be unsatisfied and ungrateful. but that makes more sense! things change. feelings change. and that's ok!

i've concluded that i'm kind of square. and honestly i don't understand why squareness gets such a bad rap! i think accepting that about myself is good. while pretending to be something i'm not is bad. i wish i wasn't shy though, but i think my shyness only kicks in whenever i feel uncomfortable. WOW! i never realized that before. that explains why my squareness and shyness is interconnected in my mind.

i'm feeling content. i'm growing more and more confident that everything will be ok, and that good things come to those who wait.

now that eveybody's here,
could we please have your attention?
there is nothing left to fear,
no, now that bigfoot is captured.

vista

dear ndugu...

guess who might be going to BERLIN in may!!! oh ya... i have the best job. nothing is certain, it may fall thru, BUT i'm hoping it won't. i acted all cool about it with the knickers, she's not happy, she doesn't want me to go. so its possible she'll put the kibosh on that. it would only be for a couple days, but i'm going to try and extend my trip over the weekend and crash at ian & diane's house. luckily i know people there! one of joy's best friends. i'll keep you posted.

yes, i definitely have the traveling bug. its under my skin. i want to get as many passport stamps in my life-time as possible :)

i'm a geek...

today i got a trans-atlantic letter in the mail from my cousin pam. she's so great. it was funny because as i read it i could hear her accent in my head. oh frig, even thinking of her now makes me laugh, she's so funny. she's coming to visit this summer at the end of july-early august. so YOU might get to met her. she's fantabulous :) i'm not nearly as funny as her.

i'm doing well. i'm feeling good. i danced the whole way home from work tonight. i was THAT excited about my possible trip to berlin. i must have looked ridiculous to the surrounding cars. whateva. they can kiss my tailpipe.

now – i need a change of scenery.

ducks

this is me and bud in market square when he visited at xmas.

i had no idea he was that much taller than me.
lala, i like buttons.

clown fish

daylight savings time is killing me.

i'm just NOT a morning person. my body rejects it, it doesn't matter what time i go to bed. i can go to bed at 9pm and get up at 5am and wake up feeling like crap. OR go to bed at 6am and wake up at 11am and feel great. its the time of day i wake up as opposed to the time i go to bed. its like i live in the wrong time zone or something.

i'm stressed and it makes me feel rotten. i don't know what i'm going to do. i wish i could run away. to unwind i had a shower and let my hair air dry. i love evening showers :)

i'm slightly tripped out.

i want to dye my hair again. when i was a teenager, i used to alter my hair when i was upset or angst. i'm sure there still may be some of that in me, but i mostly just like it.

my foot is bleeding.

ouch.

just listen to me
i won't pretend to understand
the movement of the wind
or the waves out in the ocean.

entrust

it's amazing how much of life we waste. seriously, consider how many minutes of your life are taken up with mundane tasks or mundane people – moments you can't get back. i don't want a wasted life.

i have a headache. i didn't take anything earlier in the evening in hopes that it might go away. ooh, you know what?? i think its because i didn't have a cup of tea until 4:00 this afternoon. i thought i had, but now that i think of it, it was YESTERDAY that i had a cup of tea upon waking. eek. that's annoying. i didn't clue in because usually the caffeine related headache is cured by caffeine, but perhaps i'm passed that now...

daylights savings time is really disorienting.

over the last several weeks, i've been thinking about how being considerate is a cornerstone friendship. being considerate of your friends time, money, energy. being considerate of their feelings, situation, body image. i think that's a radical concept, and one that should be grasped by all. i know i don't always succeed, but i can see it in hindsight and that's a good sign. there's hope for me yet.

ah *sigh*

we talked a little bit tonight at living room about being overly busy and yet unproductive. i'm facing a pretty loaded week, i'm hoping i'll be able to juggle everything in such a way that it turns out to be productive and yet unbusy. we'll see. we'll see. we'll see. that's one of my favourite expressions. we'll see. because it's true! we will see what happens, it's often not what we expect.

the grass is happy
and i think 'so am i'.

ostracized

its a good thing everyone is different. i like that everyone is not the same, because things just wouldn't work. for example, if everyone wanted to live in the maxi pad, that would be a problem. unfortunately, i think as humans, we tend to look down on people who are different to us. people who like different restaurants or different movies – we automatically think they have poor taste and think they're less than us. but imagine how much a pain in the ass it would be if EVERYONE wanted to go to the goat. or EVERYONE wanted to rent the same flicks. we'd be frustrated. variety is essential. in a sense it makes the world go round.

DOON'T forget the change your clocks TONIGHT!

sometimes i'm a really crappy friend.

come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are,
i had to find you, tell you I need you,
tell you I set you apart.
tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,
oh lets go back to the start.
nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said that it would be this hard.
oh take me back to the start.

the sleepless scapegoat

for your information:

when experiencing an earthquake, open the door – if the building shifts, you won't get stuck in the room.

1 out of 7 people were born with only one kidney.

in bangkok, you have to pay the firefighters before they come put out your house fire.

what’s a must
when the heart beats slow.

recycling

i can confirm the rumours. the melinda has arrived back in canada and we spent a hilarious evening of doing stuff.

while she was away she made a new mixed tape, which i really appreciate since its been about.... 6 or 7 years since the last one. to my delight, she included "crimson and clover" on it. i totally love that song. i like that she knows that. or if she didn't, she thought i would, which is equally good.

we're going to create a t-shirt company called "sexy immigrant" or "dead parents" but are leaning towards "sexy immi" its the least offensive.

at one point i started to get really tripped out thinking "who is this person 'melinda' who i've known for all these years, and who's behaviour is almost second nature to me?" its craziness. when i think about it, she is the closest thing to a "life partner" i've had so far. hmm, that sounds strange/inappropriate. regardless she's my kindred spirit.... wearing doc martins. i wonder if i expected us to still be this close back in 1997. i actually think we've become MORE silly as time goes on.

its quite amusing because she throws these "ja"s into her sentences without even realizing it. hahaha. so funny.

unexpected highlights of our evening:
• when the car door flung open unexpectedly.
• driving over the new overpass twice.
• melinda making me dinner in my kitchen while i sat on the table telling her "check the fish".

today i looked up "marshmallows" in wikipedia. oh, and that boy band "otown". weird. anyway, back to marshmallows... i wanted to find out when they were first created, but instead i discovered there have been two "cubby bunny" related deaths. yikes!

i'm back with scars to show.
back with the streets I know.
will never take me anywhere but here.

tappered pants

there's something about jim guthrie. he makes me feel so anchored. so confident in who i am. which is weird for some reason. but i like it.

its interesting when we get a glimpse at ourselves thru other people's eyes. when that happens, i often find myself thinking "that's not me at all! how did that person come to THAT conclusion!??!" and its usually a result of their own frame of mind. people search to find themselves in others.

sometimes crazy people move back into the country. and drink soya milk upon their arrival.

i've done very well at changing my routine. i now always put my clothes away, i always do my dishes the day of, and i'm on time for work every day! oddly enough, i've found myself becoming more lapsed in other areas. for example i used to make my bed every day as soon as i woke up, but i've started leaving it unmade all day. but i do eventually have to make it, because i HATE sleeping in an unmade bed. its SO uncomfortable.

the other day melissa told me that i was childish and then we laughed because i knew she didn't mean it THAT way. and tonight rhonda told me that i'm not a serious person, but tried to explain that i am but i'm not really. its true, i'm kind of an odd blend, i'm a mishmash of types. a V8 of people. i wish i was less shy and more witty. less reserved and more untangled. but i think i'm ok with me. i'm starting to not beating myself up for not being... different than i am.

had a life affirming talk
with the garbage man today.
he said “believe in me,
i take the trash away”.

so small

life is too short to spend with all the wrong people. i won't be investing my time and energy in things without substance. or things that are leaking.

i'm glad that things change. people change. i change. at some point, certain behaviours become inappropriate, like they pass their best-before-date. i think as people we shape-shift with our circumstances. i'm shape-shifting.

things are becoming more clear. i am sustainable.

it's true... that saying "when it rains it pours". i wonder why everything happens all at once, or why nothing happens at all. but it's beyond me. i won't be able to figure it out. lately i've been at peace. peace of mind. peace of heart. i'm sure there's a lot of factors, but i won't over think it. i am resting, resting.

i have a knack to find the most comfortable positions to sit in.

go give it all you got,
for a friend that could be,
for a life that might be.

veer

there have been a number of odd occurrences today:
firstly, when i was in the shower today, i couldn't remember if i'd used shampoo or if i'd skipped it and gone straight for the conditioner. so i had to start over.
secondly, this evening i stopped in briefly to take out my contacts, i went into the bathroom to discover my toilet set was up. i have NO idea why, and it's kind of unnerving. for two reasons, one part because i think i might be losing my mind, and the other part because if i'm not losing my mind than someone was in my house! neither are good scenarios.

earlier tonight, i drove around the streets of kingston belting out "it must have been love, but its over now" with beckie. this was before she put on my coat + bag and pranced around melissa's dinning room pretending to be me. it was not a pleasant sight. sadly, i think it may have been quite accurate and now i'm self-conscious of.... all of me.

i fear that i'm ordinary. and that when people look at me, i seem ordinary. beck reassured me that everyone feels that way sometimes, then we laughed at the irony of that statement. being normal is admirable. i just don't want to be ordinary, i want to be extraordinary.

at melissa's tonight, i was struck with the pleasure of being a solid, secure, single woman in the company of her friends. its a good place to be – not feeling like i should be some where else. just happy to be as i am. i was shocked to discover yesterday that my sister is under the impression that i don't plan my life. its actually the exact opposite, i HAVE planned my life, but it just hasn't turned out the way i planned it. and i'm glad. i have a good thing going, and by no credit to myself – in the sense that i didn't actually pick this plot, i found myself in it.

i had some dreams
they were clouds in my coffee.

mistakes (we knew we were making)

the power went out in a very select area of ktown tonight. it appeared to be isolated to brock, princess and queen from king to sydenham. i was sitting in the goat with beck when all of a sudden we were in pitch dark. they went round and lit candles on each table and we sat talking by candle light for 2 hours. such settings are what meaningful conversations are birthed from.

it was quite beautiful. it was quiet.

i have climbed highest mountains,
i have run through the fields,
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for.

prince of wales

yesterday i went on a radical road trip with melissa to ottawa to pick up beckie at the airport. her plane didn't get in until 10:30 so we had to whole day to venture around odd•a•wa.

we had a really fun day and we did a lot!
part one) tour of the parliament buildings and up the peace tower.
part two) walk down the frozen canal and shared a beaver tail.
part three) shopping at the rideau centre where we picked up some inexpensive clothes!
part four) dinner at richtree market (aka le marche mövenpick).
part five) ikea – got a fry pan for 4 bux.
part six) starbucks/chapters.
part seven) lounging in a random couch at YOW airport.
part eight) the drive home/beck leaves her purse on the hood of the car.
we didn't get in til 2 a.m. so i'm pretty pooped today.

we got to see two of beckie's puppies. awwwww they are SO SO SO awesome!!! they're so beautifully adorable, i could hardly stand up.

i like inside jokes. not that there inside, but that they're a result of close friendships. i'm really happy to have beckie home, and i look forward to the return of... my mystery friend. tight friendships take time to form, and effort to maintain. it hit me this morning, that its been a long time since i spent a full day with someone else. i'd forgotten what it was like, and now that i remember i don't want to forget again. its funny that sometimes we can miss something without even realizing its gone. something absent is much easy to overlook, because its not there to remind you.

i'm not the kind that likes to tell you
just what you want me to.

ici

oh my goodness... on the way to work today, i saw this really beautiful bird on the other side of the road. it was quite large, about the size of a chicken. it started to run across the street, i thought to myself "what is it doing". it ran RIGHT in front of me. i heard a thud, my car bumped up a little, then thru the rear view mirror i could see it writhing around on the ground. i just prayed "oh God, let it be dead. kill it now God" it was so beautiful and unusual. i tried to figure out what it was, then looked up different possibilities on the internet. it was a roadrunner. i ran over a roadrunner. i've never run over anything with my car before (other than that deer), why did i have to kill a roadrunner?!?! why not a squirrel or a pigeon!?!?! some of its feathers are in my grill. they're very pretty. its sad :( oh man, it makes me chuckle a little. i hope that doesn't make me a bad person. i wasn't aware there were roadrunners in this area. perhaps i killed the only one.

repressed at will,
give it time.

phony

i don't know what to say.

it's been not quite a week, and part of me is wondering if i'm ready yet. i'll try to take it slow.

i've got to tell you, i felt betrayed by my blog. and my trust is not restored. some people say "well you know, it is the internet, YOU are putting it out there". but there's a flip side. people have got to understand that i'm writing for ME. i started pspd as an outlet, and i write for myself. i'm glad that people can relate to it, i'm glad that people enjoy reading it. but i've got to ask you to understand that this is my LIFE – its not fictional, its personal. its not here for public consumption or for entertainment. i will try my best to remember this bizarre virtual reality and that what i write here is not as secure as it feels.

that being said, i'm still not quite sure what to say. and i'm still wary.

two evenings ago, i found myself in the middle of a performance art piece. well, even now i can't be certain of what was ACTUALLY happening, and the chances of there being a performance piece in a burger king is quite unlikely. but it was trippy nonetheless.

i cannot deny that i'm in denial.

i have this problem where i can't just say a little. often i start a story intending to only tell the necessary facts and no more, then when i'm done i realize i've said WAY more than i should have. i feel uncomfortable. no doubt they feel uncomfortable too. i want to learn to hold my tongue. unfortunately, as people, we love to indulge in the details. we sometimes relish in the not so nice details.

it feels like everything i love eventually turns sour on me. so i shouldn't be surprised that my relationship with pspd is on the rocks. too much of a good thing is usually too much. my problem is, i LIKE all my activities. i LIKE all my friends. the key is everything in moderation. i've got to learn to say no occasionally.

some think me a fool.

if i'd been a boy, my parents would have name me ian. weird. i can't imagine that. i wouldn't have picked that name for me, nor would i have picked lesley for that matter. but ian is a weird name, it starts with 2 vowels.

i just want to hold on to the
easy silence that you make for me,
it’s ok when there’s nothing more to say to me.
and the peaceful quiet you create for me.
and the way you keep the world at bay for me,
the way you keep the world at bay.