ton of bricks

i took fru to the vet.
and i had to have him put down.

he'd gotten into my yarn and swallowed it, except some of it got caught around his tongue so it wasn't able to leave his system. it would have caused his intenstines to pull together like an accordion and it would have eventually ripped right thru them. they were going to have to perform surgery that would cost $1200.00 and they couldn't guarantee that it would work or even that he'd live thru the surgery. he was terribly de-hydrated and his eyes were sunken into his head. he would have had to stay there for 3 days to be hydrated. he was very unwell. he was not himself, he was like a zombie. it was awful to see him that way. that was the only thing that made it easy to let him go. he may not have fully recovered. i said my good-byes to him, i know that he loved me, unfortunately he was in such a state that he didn't interact or even recognize me. i was prepared for that possibility. when i left, the thought occurred to me that i might come home without him, but in that case i sort of expected that they might just keep him overnight.

he was my fru-fru and i loved him. he meant so much to me partly because back in 2004 after my stupid boyfriend dumped me and i was living in a crappy bachelor apartment, he was the only friend i had in the world (other than melinda). he's been my pal for 4 years. he'd been with me thru some really significant changes. i thought he'd be with me for 20 years, so i didn't even take many pictures of him.

i called my mom from the vet's when they gave me the prognosis, and she came down to be with me. i really appreciated that. as i waited for her my stomach was in knots and my heart was beating fast. it felt like the equivalent to patting my head and rubbing my stomach at the same time. it just added to my stress. although, the vet and staff were very sympathetic and supportive.

my subconscious expected him to be here when i got home, even though i was carrying his empty carrier. i'm going to miss him a lot. he was such an unusual guy. he played fetch, and was very vocal. he was cuddly and would sleep on my feet every night. he will be missed. it's just so sudden.

i loved that no matter what, i was his. i belonged to him as much as he did to me. and no matter what i was to anyone else, or how anyone else viewed me. to him, i was just his human. i was his person. i love that it's so simple. it's nice to know that the only thing he wanted or expected from me was love and food. nothing else. it's a liberating identity.

i feel like i've lost my sidekick.

it reminded me of time i spent with you – it was beautiful.