poetry

too much freedom is a bad thing.

i'm exhausted by the countless possibilities around me. i'm the kind of person who likes to make the most of my opportunities because who knows when i'll get another. and so, as a result, i'm go go going all the time. i often double book myself. when i finally do have a break in my crammed schedule, i usually delight in the slow pace and how much i enjoy it. i was feeling pretty overwhelmed today, torn between my desire to go out to the screening room, and my instinctive desire to just stay at home and have a low-key evening. i found myself wishing i wasn't able to go out, for my freedom to be cut off so i was able to just stay home and not feel bad about it. and so i did. i created a peaceful environment for myself. i didn't turn my computer on when i arrived home. and discovered how great it is not cramming my life full of activities. the freedom you get from restricting yourself. i often feel paralyzed by the opportunities available to my generation, and yet feel stifled because unless you choose to live abroad your life is expected to follow a certain path. complete freedom or complete confident. i choose neither. i think for the next little while i'll only have my home computer on for one hour each day. it will force me into a slower-paced reality, and i'll use my time more wisely. something's gotta give. i need more structure in some ways, and less in others. living shouldn't feel like never-ending list of tasks, even if they're tasks i love doing. there's more to it than that. i love doing stuff, but i also love just being. i need to get back in touch with just being.

we agreed: apathy is very unattractive.

what you thought was freedom was just greed.