glimpse

well... it only took me 4 hours but i FINALLY got finished packing. i really didn't expect it to take that long, but i'm pleased because i'm fairly on top of things. in order for me to be organized it requires a lot of lists. i really like scratching stuff off a to-do list. i actually feel so ahead of the game that i might end up sitting around for a few hours tomorrow waiting to hit the road.

i haven't much to say really, except i'm really happy to be going on a trip and very happy about traveling with friends. i love group bonding, or just friend bonding. basically, i love good company and enjoy connecting a great deal.

i'll be back on march 2. it's nice that i'm going to some place tropical and don't have to fear that a snowstorm will leave me stranded for 4 extra days :)

i wonder if sarah will have her baby while i'm away...

hey... do you remember the moment that you realized the refrigerator light did not stay on all the time? that it turned off when the door closed? i do. maybe that's not a discovery everyone has to make, maybe some people just instinctively know that, while others don't. interesting thought.

my brain and my tongue just met.

skeleton

shannon and i concluded tonight that it appears as though my dreads are loosening up and in some cases coming out of dread completely. so when i got home from our visit at the goat i got out my comb to backcombed and tie knots in each dread. in hindsight i haven't been as diligent at maintaining it as perhaps i should've been. i'm not used to having to style my hair. but it looks good, ironically it looks "dreadful" again :)

so i'm super excited because we're going to mexico on sunday, cas & matt and i are actually driving up to the GTA on saturday. i found out today that david's parents are coming to mexico with us. which is totally bizarre and kind of hilarious. they're not vacationing with us, but they'll be at the same resort and on the same flight. shannon and i joked about me sitting between mama and papa raponi in the limo/van on the way to the airport. i suppose if they're gonna be there i might as well embrace it. all adult-supervision aside, i think it's going to be an amazing trip. i've even been having a hard time concentrating at work these past few days because i'm so ready to go. it's going to be 33 degrees when we land in puerto villarta in 3 days :D a welcome change from the crappy weather i walked in at lunch-time today.

i realized something today. that not only am i someone who doesn't have her crap together, i'm also someone who doesn't WANT her crap together. i like to have my crap scattered all over the place – strewn everywhere. all the more reason not to be intimidated by people who appear to have it more together than me, because i like being disheveled.

if thats what it takes, then don't let it tear us apart
even if it breaks your heart.

duotang

i don't know how i expected to feel. nor do i know why i felt the way i did. or even if i can identify what i felt. all i know is that although it was impending, it still hit me in the face with the intensity of a belly-flop, and stung for several hours afterward.

i want to be more comfortable with my non-physical naked-self. i'm pretty comfortable with myself, but not when standing beside someone else. it's less about the other person than it is about me. no one compares me as much as i compare myself :S

always crashing to the ground,
always from the same height,
always falling down.

rather

errands overwhelm me. even being in the car while doing errands is unnerving. but i had some errands to run for my trip to mexico and i knew i'd feel more on top of things once getting that stuff done. so i made a list, braced myself, set out, and managed to do everything while remaining calm and chilled. and that makes me EXTRA pleased :) everything feels tackleable these days. i swear it's because i've gotten my house cleaned, everything's just a mole hill, and those don't scare me....

i bought this ipod wall-charger so i can charge my ipod while on trips. i'm excited about this, i think i'll probably use it a lot, maybe even keep it at work for when my charge gets low when i'm there.

i laughed when i read it. i laughed outloud with great mirth. but when my laughter stopped i felt nauseous. and heart-broken all over again.

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead
working for the man,
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself
an alternate plan.

orange

i've had a beautiful and lovely day. i slept until 12:30, got out of bed at 1:15 and have enjoyed a day of reading a good book. it's been nice.

i got talking last night at living room about why i hate dating. it's terribly monotonous to have to tell the same life stories over and over again. to explain how i came to be here, what i do for a living, what makes me tick, repeatedly is so boring. and i hate doing it. even with guys i really like, it's incredibly dull, but i suppose that's because i would much rather hear about them. i realize that i don't have to indulge every detail, and i don't, but when you've dated as much as i have, even the basics are a nuisance to re-report. my dating life can be broken-down into two categories: pre and post. in the pre-years, i had many long-lasting serious relationships. in the post-years, i've had a series of crushes and near-misses. this might come as a surprise to you, but on average i meet 3 guys a year. last year i met 4 if you count my crush on yet another gay guy, 5 if you count that other guy. anyways... oh dear, i've forgotten what my point is, so i'll digress further; an average of 3 a year probably seems high coming from a girl who can be quoted with saying "there are no men" – usually i find them unsuitable, or they find me unsuitable, or like in one case, we both found each other unsuitable. i guess what i'm saying is, that i don't want to invest myself in men who aren't going to be around, to tell them my story only have to tell it again to someone else. i enjoy my friendships, and the community i have the pleasure of being a part of. and hope i will continue to delight in meeting new people, even when i'm old and full of days.

i could use more guy friends though, but not if it's going to be complicated. boys are fun, sometimes much funner than girls, and i miss that from the pre-days. that being said, just i'll go back to reading my book and think about how i wish i had a guy friend like don miller. i think someone like that would be real value added.

i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome,
alone in my way.

playlist

i've heard it said that there are two kinds of people in the world. 1) the "i must do something about this" person, and 2) the "why isn't anyone doing anything about this" person. i remember being at an airport once, and a piece of luggage got caught on the conveyor belt, and we all stood around waiting for the closest person to move it. something had to be done, but clearly the closest person was not a "i must do something...." person. eventually, after everyone stood around looking at the closest guy, and it appeared as though no one else was going to do anything, he finally walked over and dislodged the suitcase. there are some people who are definitely doers, and other people who definitely hold-back waiting for the doers. it's not bad to be a waiter, if everyone was a doer a lot of conflict would arise. i'm both a doer and a waiter. when i'm with a more dominant person, i'm content to go along with them. and when i'm with someone who's more inclined to watch or wait, i'm fairly comfortable making an action plan, but it's not my first instinct. i remember being in NYC with melody when we were 20. she'd lived there before and was pretty familiar with the subway system etc. but she's also a strong personality, and i loved being with her because she'd just boss me around and i was content to go along with her. another person who's like that is sarah, she says "do this!" and i say "OK!". i get by fairly well on my own without direction, i take initiative and get stuff done, but sometimes i get tired and just want someone to come up with a game plan. there are other times when i repeatedly go along with one person or another, that i begin to feel that my compliant nature is working against me. that the other person has stopped considering my feelings or opinions because i've been so accommodating, then i begin to feel resentful and hurt. i'm currently in the process of trying to figure out how to assert myself before reaching the state when i begin to feel bulldozed. while living in toronto, i learned a philosophy from my housemate that i should let go of the things that didn't matter to me so i could fight for the things that did. it was a valuable lesson to learn, and i live true to it. the problem i've discovered is that very little of the details are worth fighting for, but being compliant has lead to me unequal relationships where i'm left feeling small. it's all my perception, no one is actually thinking i'm less important than they are, but if making myself heard makes me feel like a more active participant then i need to live louder. it quenches who i am to live so passively.

honey's been eating well, and behaving more like her normal self. i'm hoping she'll soon gain back some weight i'll be able to determine what the problem was. i'm suspicious that she just can't eat the hard-food for whatever reason and as a result hasn't been eating, and therefore starving. there's no doubt in my mind she was on her way to dying, so i'm also relieved that i came up with a solution, and that i have the smarts to problem-solve.

i hate it when you keep secrets from me. let's never do that again.

the best part of days-off is knowing the night before that i don't have to go to work the next day. simply knowing that makes me feel SO much more free. liberated.

everything i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed.

do not use this product as a toy, pillow or floation device.

i got my bikini-line waxed this afternoon. it was fun! well... at least funny. the lady took me into a room and told me to lie down on the table, then left. i wasn't sure what to do or if i should remove my pants, so i just lied down. several minutes later she returned and told me to move right up to the top, then pulled this light/magnifying glass down towards my face. i wasn't sure what was going on, but i'd never had my bikini waxed before, so was being compliant. thankfully, at that point she said "so... we're just fixing up your eyebrows a little?" and i said "no... i'm getting my bikini waxed". she said "OH! well then. you're in the wrong room" then took me down the hall. i was relieved that i had not removed my pants like i had considered doing, that would've been super awkward. when i finally was in the right place, the waxing went smoothly. it didn't really hurt very much. it just stung for a second or two, then it was fine. she was fast. all in all my first waxing experience was un-tramatic and i would do it again.

there's something wrong with honey. she's very sick and quite likely dying if she doesn't start eating again. i was cuddling her last night and found she was smaller than usual, when i put her down i petted her back and discovered she's all skin & bones. i hadn't noticed she'd lost weight, but her back is all jaggy spine. throughout the day i've been trying to feed her wet food, but she just licks at it, i couldn't get her to drink any water, but she is now so that's good. i'm scared and upset. i feel frustrated and sad, she's only two. i will feel angry if she dies. i don't understand why my life has to contain such things so frequently. why can't i just be a regular person who has one pet for 10 years. but i guess it's just the way it goes, and isn't some kind of curse or pattern. and i shouldn't frame my circumstances that way. basically... i don't want her to die or be very sick. i want her to get better, to just be better. pekoe's fine, and a little oblivious that she's not well and keeps picking on her. i hope things take a turn for the better or i'll have to take her to the vet on tuesday. i'm going to mexico in a week, and i'd hate to leave my dad responsible for a sick kitty. he's already had several fish die on him when he's been pet-sitting them, he would be very upset if anything happened to the little missy under his care.

squint your eyes and look closer,
i'm not between you and your ambition.

-------------------------------------------------
adendum: i blended up some wet food (because she finds chunks hard to chew) and honey's been eating it for about 20 minutes straight! i'm encouraged by this act of vigor and interest in food.

box

i've been thinking a lot lately about all that's outside of my control. and basically i concluded that pretty much included everything. it probably goes without saying that that bothers me. gen encouraged me to find one thing that i can change and i did. i abandoned my plans for this evening so that i could tackle the mess of home i reside in. which meant i didn't go to the Y. david asked me "can't you go to the Y and clean your house?" and the simple answer is "no". it's unfortunate, and also a little pathetic that even though i spent the entire evening working on the maxipad i still only got half-done. HOWEVER, it was a crucial half. i found a shelf unit in my storage space that i fixed up and placed in the kitchen and moved the dishwasher out of there. it looks great, and i feel like i've drastically increase my kitchen real-estate. i'm gonna post a picture so i have someone to share this achievement with (i don't have people over very often...). oh my goodness, i can't even express what a relief it is to me to have that room cleaned up. AND i got my clothes back from the laundomat, AND i put out the garbage. so i'm doing ok. i fall down a lot, but i usually get up again pretty quickly because i don't want to take life lying down, so i keep trying. i like to consider myself resilient, it sounds more sustainable. it'll still be a few more days before i'm thru this pms episode, but at least i'm taking back the power. i really need to work hard at staying on top of things.

AND i bought a new book today. when i walked out of the church book room i realized that i'd gone and picked a book independent from my book suggestion list – they're all great suggestions and i look forward to reading them. thanks for your help! but i just really needed to read some donald miller. i would've liked a chance to read it tonight, but i didn't have time. however, if i log-off right now, i might be able to squeeze in a few minutes.

i know that there's no grand plan here,
this is just the way it goes.

hostage

this evening bren and i went to see the reader. as per usual we had no idea what it was about. we both loved it. it was a beautiful film. so lovely. truly beautiful. it's so satisfying to see a great movie.

i decided today that i will never own a white, grey, or blue-grey colour car (like the erbs' – even though it's a really nice colour) because they are impossible to see in the fog. and sometimes girls in red crvs accidentally back into them in parking lots. i was so upset and my heart was racing. then i felt angry and i remembered when rach equated anger with guilt the other day, and i totally agreed. there was no damage though, so it's ok. PHEW!

sometimes believing in God feels like being in a dysfunctional marriage. other times it's like a honeymoon.

i'm pmsing right now. i need to take extra care of myself because i'm super fragile. one of these days i might get up the energy to clean my apartment. then peace will reign supreme in my head and home. one of these days. but not this day. i need to get some rest.

during my lunch time walk "talk" the thin white duke remix of the coldplay song came on my ipod. it was a perfect reflection of how i'm feeling right now.

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost.

power

i think that there's something broken inside of me.

i feel just like i'm some great big disease.

sanctuary

guess what i found out today? i have a learning disability. i won't go into how i discovered this, but dave young explained that being dyslexic with numbers is called dyscalculia. he has it too and pieced it together when i said i get things like 78 and 87 confused. other symptoms include difficulty mentally estimating the measurement of distance or an object. inability to comprehend financial planning, and difficulty with conceptualizing time and judging the passing of time. there are other things i don't have, but those ones are definite challenges for me. i have to tell you, it's a relief to find this out. when i was a kid i was tested for learning disabilities, but the results were inconclusive. and it turns out that this dyscalculia is rare, so i imagine quite uncommonly diagnosed. it's such a relief to realize that i'm not just stupid. in light of this, i won't use it as an excuse for bad behaviour – lateness or whatever. instead, it will help me understand that i must live in the world a little differently. i'll have to be more careful when i try to estimate how long a task will take – i'd already caught-on to the fact that i'm poor at time management, but this gives me incentive to try to find ways of coping with it better.

i chatted with this old lady at special meals today. it was really nice. she had interesting stories, and it made me imagine what it will be like to be old. oddly enough, she was probably the first elderly person i've talked to in YEARS. i last saw my grandma in 2005, she lived in the UK and other than her, i haven't had many elderly people in my life. i wanted to hear all her stories. find out how her life has been. i look forward to hearing about the lives of my old lady friends when i'm an old lady. there was a man there who comes on a regular basis who has thick dreads (he's probably in his 40s or something), he's super nice. andrew thought he noticed my hair right away and that it made him like me more than the others. people are fascinating. sometimes i wish there wasn't so much politics and we could all just know each other. life would be so much easier.

al suggested i give melissa up for lent. he figured i should give up something that would be hard to live without. she didn't quite jive with his logic because it would mean she'd have to give me up too.

when you lose something you cannot replace.

volcanos

i was listening to GO on cbc this morning. it was all about books. contest nanna came on and started talking about canada writes. i'd heard of it before, i'd even possibly been to the website because i knew there was a blog category, but all of a sudden i felt like i should submit something. i DO have a blog and all. so at first i hunted thru my archives looking for something suitable. when i did, i made some modifications, then went to submit it, but quickly discovered they will not accept entries that have previously published online. SO i had to write something fresh. it turned out to be relatively easy, i had some fresh material. last night i went on a roadtrip to peterborough with al & bren. why, you ask? well... aside from the pleasure of their company we were going to meet up with a few guys to talk about hatch, and it's future. the meeting went well and was also pretty fun. unfortunately... i can't really divulge much about it because i already sent a 200 word piece to canada writes. i have to admit, i think it's pretty solid. a gem of a blog entry. i sent it to bren and she too really liked it. i don't particularly expect to qualify, but obviously that would be pretty rad. i'm sure there's loads of stiff competition. BUT it's yet another thing i've never done before, and that makes me happy. it's also kind of neat submitting something for official review.

those bright shiny lights,
they be shining so bright.
they’re casting a shadow
on all the simple things you used to own.
they’re casting a shadow,
what a sorrowful sight.

fixated

i'm cold. i'm cold. i'm so cold.

tonight's episode of grey's implied that not getting hugged enough increases stress. no wonder i have anxiety problems.

last night we had the hatch folding party and got them all done. it's pretty remarkable considering this time last week the layout wasn't complete yet. i took them all to work with me, and at the end of the day i stayed to trim them all on our guillotine machine. i didn't get out of there until 7:20. i was exhausted. i'm always amazed at how long things like that take. i don't mind doing it, but i was just too tired to go to the Y which means my work-out schedule for the week was a failure. anyways, the knickers noticed me with the box of hatches, and when she saw them she seemed excited that we'd done another one. she'd asked me for one last time but never commented on it so i didn't know what she thought. but seeing the new edition seemed to trig her memory and she told me that my piece last time was really good. i offered her a copy of this edition and she took it gladly! she told me "maybe i'll have to get you to start writing the brochures!" that would never happen, but it was quite a nice compliment. when i got home i was so pooped that i loafed on the couch and watched "big bang theory" for the first time. i quite liked it.

sometimes seeing those pictures makes my heart contract. they squeeze my heart and make me hurt a little.

i love that i'm finally learning to use a filter. relieved really. it's unfortunate that i learn the hard way, and that it's my cynicism that keeps me from opening my yap instead of good sense.

it's garbage night, but it's too freaking cold to put out the trash. so yet another week will go by with my garbage can and recycling overflowing.

i feel like such a freak.

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way

sophisticated

so it seems that francisco has skipped town without buying me lunch. "conveniently" he was "spontaneously" sent to mexico on business. i was told he was cheap, but that seems a little extreme. i'll have go nab him before i go on vacation, i will collect on my prize.

a couple weeks ago at living room our ice breaker question was "what do you own that you wish you didn't?" my item was my dishwasher. it doesn't work as well as i'd like, and therefore i never use it. it's a counter-top dishwasher taking up space and is often mistaken for a large microwave. jonathan asked me why i don't just get rid of it, which has got me wondering why i don't. and have thus decided to put it into storage, BUT not until i find something to replace it in the kitchen. i use it as another surface top and keep things on it. so i've decided to find some kind of thin book shelf (probably about 6 to 8 inches in depth, but about 3 to 4 ft wide) to use as a substitute. preferably something wooden. yes, i think that will look quite nice.

and i wanna fly,
and never come down,
and live my life,
and have friends around.

caspian

well... knickers' first reaction to my hair was "ewwww, i would NOT want to put my fingers thru your hair". but then later in the day she had all kinds of questions and didn't seem as disgusted. so i think my dreads are growing on her. tomorrow i'll wear it down so they can get a better look – i had it up in a ponytail to be more subtle. frank pointed them out with a twinkle in his eye, i think he found them amusing at the very least. for the most part, no one commented at all, i'm somewhat convinced most of the men didn't even notice there was something different about me. i'm relieved it seems to be such a non-issue, and it makes me even more glad that i decided to do it.

oddly enough, i won the superbowl pool at work :S i know. it's totally weird, especially since i didn't and have never watched a game. but i got a little bit of help from dave b – he gave an almost perfect prediction which won me a free lunch with francisco. i almost feel guilty for taking first place when all i did was have the smarts to ask someone intelligent. however, i'll enjoy the victory as it doesn't happen very often, and i'm sure i'll enjoy my free lunch too. i'm not one to turn down free food.

i got an email from helen today telling me that they miss me because there's no one with my unique brand of spunk and groundedness in TO. i thought that was nice. kind words are like oil in my lamp. i miss t&h too, i'm gonna have to figure out a way to visit them, i next to never go to toronto, but that's probably just because i'm lazy or poor at planning without purpose.

you taste so sweet
when you are so free.

toothy

despite what we thought, you actually made an impression on me. a greater one than we realized. i can feel it in your absence – like a hand-print in wet cement.

i'm slowly adjusting to my dreadlocks. i think they're a bigger adjustment for me than they are for the people who have to look at me. i'm accustomed to seeing myself with very smooth and silky hair, this new do is quite foreign. but i like it, i like the different ways of wearing it. right now it's pulled back into a high ponytail, and i must admit it really does suit me – even more than my natural hair-style. i don't expect it will be an easy sell at work tomorrow, my job was the biggest barrier for me to overcome in my decision to get dreads. but i've gotten over it, it's just the initial reaction that i'm dreading (haha, dreading). my family i'm not concerned about, they're less opinionated and know me better. my dad told me the other day that he approached a woman at the library and said "by any chance are you an artist?" and she said "as a matter of fact, i am! why do you ask?" he told her "you look like an artist. my daughter is the same way". i don't expect my workplace to find it as charming. BUT they might surprise me. i know the most significant misconception (hygiene) will be an important one to clear up. so let me tell you also, yes i will continue to wash my hair as regularly as before, i just have to use a different kind of shampoo and no conditioner. the shampoo is cool, it's just a bar and i rub it all over my head, i like it a lot. so far reception to my hair has been very positive, but i'm sure all those who hate it just keep their mouths shut. hopefully my colleagues will have the same sense to remain silent.

oddly enough, the more time passes the more it feels like that never happened. it was just a dream.

there's a lot i want to say. but am finding they are things reserved for one person and not for everyone. sometimes we don't get the opportunity.

celebrate your dreams when you are away.