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i've heard it said that there are two kinds of people in the world. 1) the "i must do something about this" person, and 2) the "why isn't anyone doing anything about this" person. i remember being at an airport once, and a piece of luggage got caught on the conveyor belt, and we all stood around waiting for the closest person to move it. something had to be done, but clearly the closest person was not a "i must do something...." person. eventually, after everyone stood around looking at the closest guy, and it appeared as though no one else was going to do anything, he finally walked over and dislodged the suitcase. there are some people who are definitely doers, and other people who definitely hold-back waiting for the doers. it's not bad to be a waiter, if everyone was a doer a lot of conflict would arise. i'm both a doer and a waiter. when i'm with a more dominant person, i'm content to go along with them. and when i'm with someone who's more inclined to watch or wait, i'm fairly comfortable making an action plan, but it's not my first instinct. i remember being in NYC with melody when we were 20. she'd lived there before and was pretty familiar with the subway system etc. but she's also a strong personality, and i loved being with her because she'd just boss me around and i was content to go along with her. another person who's like that is sarah, she says "do this!" and i say "OK!". i get by fairly well on my own without direction, i take initiative and get stuff done, but sometimes i get tired and just want someone to come up with a game plan. there are other times when i repeatedly go along with one person or another, that i begin to feel that my compliant nature is working against me. that the other person has stopped considering my feelings or opinions because i've been so accommodating, then i begin to feel resentful and hurt. i'm currently in the process of trying to figure out how to assert myself before reaching the state when i begin to feel bulldozed. while living in toronto, i learned a philosophy from my housemate that i should let go of the things that didn't matter to me so i could fight for the things that did. it was a valuable lesson to learn, and i live true to it. the problem i've discovered is that very little of the details are worth fighting for, but being compliant has lead to me unequal relationships where i'm left feeling small. it's all my perception, no one is actually thinking i'm less important than they are, but if making myself heard makes me feel like a more active participant then i need to live louder. it quenches who i am to live so passively.

honey's been eating well, and behaving more like her normal self. i'm hoping she'll soon gain back some weight i'll be able to determine what the problem was. i'm suspicious that she just can't eat the hard-food for whatever reason and as a result hasn't been eating, and therefore starving. there's no doubt in my mind she was on her way to dying, so i'm also relieved that i came up with a solution, and that i have the smarts to problem-solve.

i hate it when you keep secrets from me. let's never do that again.

the best part of days-off is knowing the night before that i don't have to go to work the next day. simply knowing that makes me feel SO much more free. liberated.

everything i love is ugly
i mean really, you would be amazed.