passport

well my lords and ladies, we've arrived at the end of 2010. this is my favourite entry of the year, i look forward to it all year. my year recap. i love looking back on my year of firsts along with other cool stuff. i think it goes without saying that this has been a great year. one for the books. full of lots of changes.

in january...
i went bowling with my mom, her friend garry, and brendan, and discovered i'm not a bad bowler after all! went to kieran's hockey game (first junior, junior, junior hockey game), saw a 3D movie (avatar), got a new boss (!!), surprised brendan by taking him to play bingo where he won 50 bux(!), went on a road trip to TO to see rock plaza central, and went on a road trip with bren, brendan, andrew and shannon to peterborough for hatch.

in february...
i watched the superbowl for the first time, i gave up sleeping in for lent, b took me on a surprise date to see a queen's basketball game with his parents, went to cuba with shannon, left my wallet in kingston, drank a lot of rum, danced in the disco, went on a cave exploration, then swam in a different cave, then shanno was bit by my horse.

in march...
i drank my first can of beer in the airport in cuba, was greeted at the airport by b, got a washing machine followed by a massive flood, then got a new washing machine, went to see the acorn with mike and bren, went to shanno's jubliee in the park, my niece erin was born and i was there!

in april...
saw dragonette in concert, ben and meg got engaged, andrew and shannon got engaged, then me and b got engaged, started pre-martial counseling, upgraded to a double bed!

in may...
we planned our wedding, sold something on kijiji (then had to almost immediately take it back because the lady changed her mind), got my diaphragm, got an outside clothesline (!), gave b his first driving lesson (in a standard car no less).

in june...
i had to take b to the hospital after he accidentally stabbed himself at work, got newer (better) contact lenses, went to TO for a photoshop seminar, had both a bachelorette and bridal shower in one weekend, enjoyed yet another skeleton park music festival, experienced a lot of significant pain in my toes (months later i discovered that two of my toes pop out of joint when i'm sleeping so i just have to crack them back into place and i'm good to go), got married/had a fun wedding, lost virginity, saw seinfeld at krock centre, returned to work for 3 days, then left for honeymoon.

in july...
we took a 15 hour flight to hong kong, hung out there for a whole day then flew to phnom penh. had a great time in cambodia, got overheated, relaxed, b got sick, drank $0.60 pints of beer, explored the temples of angkor, learned a lot about the khmer rouge, stayed in really great gay hotel after finding no room in the inn we'd booked a reservation, watched world cup soccer, had fish massage, rode in tuk-tuks, flew back to hong kong, took a hop-on hop-off bus, flew 15 hours back to TO. was greeted at arrival gate by andrew and shannon, canceled cable tv per agreement with b.

in august...
we went camping on the long weekend at silver lake, then visited b's aunt and family at their cottage, had a great time at wolfe island music festival as per usual, i read the millennium series (amazing), got a wireless router, went to an arcade fire concert on toronto island with beckie and brendan, took the united way bus tour around town to see the organizations funded thru them, signed up for the terry fox run but had to later bow out, took a road trip with my new mother-in-law to meg's bridal shower, preached for the second time (talked about the importance of self-love).

in september...
we went camping on the long weekend at bon echo (loved it!), bought an rrsp, went to take back the night but it was cancelled, taught andrew how to drive stick and took him to my office to show him my cubicle, threw shanno a bachelorette party, was a bride's maid in ben & meg's wedding, rode in a limousine, was the best lady in andrew and shannon's wedding.

in october...
went apple picking, hiked at frontenac park with b on our one year (dating) anniversary, went to the martha's table fundraiser 'empty bowls', started my new gym membership at goodlife, melissa got married!

in november...
did the halloween harvest food blitz in the inner harbour neighbourhood, went to see ani difranco in ottawa with bren, gambled with shanno in gan (she won 57 bux!), brendan got his driver's licence, my mom broke her arm, watched the santa claus parade with shannon thru her bedroom window, preached third sermon (hope – first week of advent), went to my annual fronts hockey game, my name was legally changed to lorimer from mcknight.

in december...
i bought a new winter coat, retired from designing the YFC newsletter, stayed at a B&B in bath for free, went to trenton for my somewhat distressing doctor's appointment, was put on perocet, had a small group of friends over for my birthday, drove to north bay to visit my father-in-law and stayed overnight in a hotel, took niece and nephews to chuck-e-cheese, and today i bought a new hoodie from lululemon with some christmas gift money. so comfy.

it's been a great year. full and eventful. thanks for your part in it. thanks for helping me thru big transitions, and for being supportive, affirming and loving.

she laughs as she dances her feet wake the flowers.

sleeping

it was a lovely christmas.

after church on christmas eve my family all gathered at my sister's place. we played apples to apples after the kids were in bed. i was amazed at how well my mom and carol did. it definitely revealed a new side of them.

b and i slept on a blow up bed, and woke early in the morning to the sound of my family gathering in the kitchen. the kids did so well, we didn't open our gifts until around 10 or 11 and they were very patient. the present opening ceremony was fun as usual, and b fit in to the mix really well. that was followed by a early christmas dinner, then it was time for us to head to nancy and gerry's place. we had a nice time there too. just casually eatting apps, and watched a movie together that night. we stayed over night there too. we're really grateful that both our families live in town so we can see both in one day.

boxing day was pretty relaxing. we went to a matinee and ate popcorn, then just chilled in the evening. we had to go to bed early because we had an early start the next day. we left at 8:30 and drove to north bay to visit brendan's dad. it was fun. i'd never been there before and the drive there was beautiful. it was so great getting to share the driving, but we had a few tense moments because i tend to still give him driving instructions. i know i'm being a backseat driver, but he's only had his license for 6 weeks and has never driven at such high speeds before. hopefully that will get better and i'll relax more when he gets more experience. he did great. we split the driving 3 hours and 3 hours. i'd never been on the trans-canada highway before, i felt super excited and happy to being doing something new. it was really beautiful driving in the winter. the trees were bare so we could see lakes that would usually be hidden by leaves. and the hills!! my goodness. i came to realize that i'm truly a southern ontario girl and don't know much north of the 401 :S the weather was great! although we were surprised to find so much snow in north bay, there's still none here! it helped me understand why andrew and shannon are disappointed by kingston winters. we stayed at a best western, and went swimming twice and in the hot-tub! brendan was reluctant at first, but loved the hot-tub he said he could sleep in it. we really enjoyed the hotel and kind of made the decision to stay at a hotel at least once a year just for fun and relaxation. even if it's just one in kingston.

it was great seeing brendan's dad andy. he showed us all around north bay and took us out for dinner. he's pretty extroverted and talks pretty freely, which made him easy to be around. i found all his stories about north bay interesting so i genuinely enjoyed chatting to him. he's a nice man, and very optimistic, he was so thrilled that we'd came to visit. the next morning we went out for breakfast and he took us to see some nice horses then we went for a walk. soon it was time to head home for another 6 hours drive.

we drove 12 hours in 36 hours. but it was fun, i really had a good time.

now that we're home we're just relaxing. it's been great. a super vacation :D

we're out to prove the truth of the man from galilee.

paper

we went to the bank yesterday and left amazed at how bankers can make you feel naked and vulnerable. it felt very invasive and we resented their insinuations. the way she kept implying we may divorce some day, it makes me sad and angry that the marriage arrangement has little respect anymore. sure, there's a high divorce rate now a days, but there are actually some people out there (like us for example) who take our commitment very seriously and are 100% committed to our marriage and seeing it thru until old age. it may be hard for bankers to understand, but i didn't marry b for his money and i'm not actually tucking it all away so that i can take off with it some day. it's odd how children are taught to share, and how b and i hold everything in common, and yet at the bank what's mine is mine, and what's his is his. i want to loudly proclaim to them "WE SHARE OUR FINANCES – PERIOD!!!" what's mine is his, and what's his is mine. it's so frustrating. the whole "what if" situations they throw at is so counter our faith and our wordview. there's no way of explaining it to a banker. they don't understand that money is not a priority for us. .

all around the cathedral,
the saints and apostles look down as she sells her wares.
although you can't see it,
you know they are smiling each time someone shows that he cares.

matinee

brendan gave me a postsecret book for christmas. i was very excited about it. my family had never heard of it, so i explained the premise to them. i was happy to introduce them to such a great project, and i read a few outloud, and after the third one my mom went "awh" in shock (she's easy to offend). as i read thru it i developed a suspicion that my family, specially my mom would not like postsecret. it left me puzzling about it. i love postsecret, i appreciate the honesty, and humaness, and the glimpses into the lives of others. i love that it pulls at my heartstrings and draws out compassion and sympathy for people who are so obviously hurting.

in my puzzling i got thinking about morality and ethics. ethics are not something i heard much about growing up, and didn't really enter my radar until my late-20s. at this point i put a lot of weight on ethics. for me it's an outward expression of love. it's human rights, it's equality, it's fighting for the vulnerable and needy. i also thought about morality. while i believe in morals, and i strive to be a moral person, i don't place importance on other peoples morals. meaning that regardless of a person's word or deed i still feel compelled to love them. treat them as human, and with respect. i remember having a hypothetical conversation with beck where i told her that if she killed someone i'd still love her and visit her in prison. i find it important to remember that people are so much more than their mistakes. being focused on morality seems more like a hindrance than anything else.

as usual, when i'm pondering new ideas i think of jesus. i skim my memory and think if anything he said disagrees with what i'm thinking. kind of cross-referencing so to speak. it made me conclude that jesus is not caught up in morality either. when asked about sin he said "he who is without sin cast the first stone". God does call us to be holy, but that's less about morality and more about clearing the way for us to know him. sin is a barrier in itself, but it doesn't disqualify us from God's love. in addition, i feel that being a moral person leads to being healthy and well-balanced. that good life-decisions lead to the best end result. i guess because of that i feel that i'm not in the position to decide what are good decisions for other people.

i kind of concluded that morality is personal journey, and ethics is an outward expression of love.

i'm thankful for being taught to love without fear and condemnation.
i hope that love will grow in me, and that it will multiply ten-fold.
i hope that maybe, just maybe, others will learn the difference between loving and condoning, and in turn will love and love and love without boundaries.
and i hope that my love will arrive on people's doorsteps in times when they need it, and that it will make a positive difference.

home is when I'm alone with you.

chocolate

when i left for work this morning i found an old, discarded, stale donut on my bicycle. i hope it's not an indicator of the kind of day i'm going to have.

this is my last day of work for 2010. hooray!! i'm so happy. it's been a great week. yesterday i made it thru the entire day with only speaking to one, maybe two people (if you count the telephone). my introverted self is extremely invigorated by this. perhaps no one will speak to me at all today :D the parking lot is getting emptier and emptier each day. usually my car is the last one in the parking lot when i leave on christmas eve eve.

i didn't mention this at the time, but last year on my christmas vacation brendan and i cohabited. he came and lived with me at the maxi pad for a week or so. i didn't talk about it on pspd because we'd decided to not tell brendan's housemate or else he'd get some flack from them. also, my mom was distressed when i told her about the idea, she's very concerned about "the appearances of evil", but it was totally appropriate - he insisted on having his own bed. anyways, we had a great time during that week together. in fact, i think it's safe to say that it was during that week of cohabitation that we inwardly decided to get married. we knew we had a good thing going, and really we could've just kept living that way and become married at that point and we would've been pretty content with that. it was sucky when b moved back to his home again. i'm looking forward to another rendition of b and les's christmas vacation.

this year i'm more aware of winter solstice. i guess it's because i learned on big bang theory (i learn a lot of things from that show actually) that the celebration of jesus's birth was combined with the celebration of winter solstice. for some reason this makes complete sense to me. all the weird christmas traditions that have no connection with a baby in bethlehem, i finally get it! i'm less bothered by our modern christmas variety because i now see where it comes from and how it fits in. it's winter solstice!! i think from now on i'm going to recognize both. i may even say to people "happy winter solstice". and some day we may have a winter solstice tree. b and i have been mentally wrestling with how these traditions fit with our expression of faith, but now i've reconciled myself with them. that's good. i'm pleased.

i'm completely enamoured with edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. i know i mentioned this last time i wrote, but it's a really big deal for me right now. kind of consuming.

she's got sunset on her breath,
i inhaled it just a little bit.

papercut

today was the first day that i distinctly didn't feel lorimer. i felt mcknight. i realized this when i discovered there's a streetcar station in calgary called mcknight. however, there's also a station in nyc called lorimer, so it's not like i'm missing out on cool train stations with my name. plus, toronto has a station called leslie (even if it's spelled wrong), so i think i'm covered.

i've decided to start going to bed early. i know, i know, i've said that oodles of times, but this time it's different because i've heard that not getting enough sleep contributes to difficulty losing weight. last night i was in bed at 10, and i slept so well. i pretty much got into bed soon after getting home from chein noir. dinner was great. we both got the 3 course meal deal for $25. we even dressed up like civilized folks. it was fun.

so anyways, ya, i'm gonna try to get to bed early so that i get 8 hours sleep. that being said, i should start my pre-bed routine.

i'm super into edward sharpe and the magnetic zero this evening. they're similar to the gertrudes, but more well established. they're all full-fledged hippies, it kind of blows my mind. as soon as i heard them on cbc radio 2 tonight i had to get their album asap.

i scream into the nothingness that we got everything we need.

nervy

rach was telling me and shanno last night about enneagrams. i'd heard of them before. she had turned brendan on to them in the spring, and i forgot to look up mine. it's similar to myers-briggs personality profiling, but is a different system. rach likes this one better because she says it takes things like childhood trauma into consideration.

so i did an online test, and it determined that i'm a 7, loosely named "the enthusiast". the description is unbelievable, it told me things about myself that i didn't know but are definitely true. it surmises that...
my basic fear is of being deprived or in pain
that my basic desire is to be satisfied and content - to my have needs fulfiled.
that my key motivations are a want to maintain my freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, and to keep myself excited and occupied, and to avoid pain.

yes. as i thought back over the last decade of my life, i'd say this is remarkably accurate. my freedom is VERY important to me, i hate the thought of missing out of meaningful experiences, and i generally strive for my next adventure so that i maintain my level of excitement and remain occupied. it also talked about my need to write things down as a means of "downloading" the contents of my head. SO INTERESTING!

one of the most significant things that i've learned so far is that this personality type has a unique desire for freedom and to experience as much of the world as possible. oh man! what a relief it is to know this. no wonder i fear convention. realizing this is helping me let go of the frustration and (i must confess...) distain i've felt towards certain life-styles. actually it's not even the life-style so much, it's really that i want to shake the people and say "don't you know there's way more to life than following the footsteps of social norms??" but different personality types desire different things. such as... to be loved unconditionally; to be good and have integrity; to be valuable; to be unique and authentic; to feel safe; to maintain inner stability and peace of mind. it's a relief to finally understand this about others. i feel remorseful for feeling annoyed and being judgemental.

i've also learned the difference between myself functioning poorly and functioning fully. i'm also coming to understand brendan better after reading his enneagram. he's a peace maker (9).

it seems some people are more into personality profiles than others. i'm not really sure why that is. one guy i knew mostly didn't like being boxed in. if you haven't done a myers-briggs or enneagream test before (they don't take very long) i really encourage you to (click here). it's super helpful and sightful. it reveals weaknesses that often go unnoticed. if you do the test tell me what you are, i'm really interested!

i got a call from the passport office about being a reference on joanna's application. how odd, since we'd just been talking about how people never get called. so funny! i was kind of nervous. i didn't know what kind of things they'd ask me. in the end i had to give a physical description of her, explain what her job is, where she lived, where she used to live, i think i did ok. hopefully!! i have my passport application all filled in, i just need to get some photos taken. maybe i'll try to do that tonight when i'm downtown. b's taking me to chien noir tonight for dinner!! fancy :D

 

mark my footsteps,

tread in them boldly.

funking

it was a great weekend.

i had a lovely birthday. greek food for lunch. a gathering of friends in the evening. it was a special day for sure. the only downside is that right before bed i found myself in grave pain again and had to take some more percocet. i was a bit concerned about becoming nausous again but was intentional about eating something. brendan was really good about it, especially since he was already in bed sleeping when i started writhing and crying.

saturday was fantastic. we went to nancy and gerry's place for an early family christmas. it was lovely. the food was great, the gifts were great, and we watched the muppet's christmas carole. from there we went to party number two, it was a housewarming party for a few of brendan's friends. i always feel a little bit like a fish out of water among b's peers, but i suppose that will change in time as they graduate uni and move into the next phase of their lives. we had a good time though, i'm slowly getting to know people.

b had never been to swiss chalet before, so i picked that place for my sunday birthday lunch with my family. they all love swiss chalet and were shocked that he'd never been there before. we agreed after that it's much better than red lobster, and the prices are much more reasonable.

then to wrap up sunday evening, we had the living room christmas potluck. which was fun as usual. now with that behind me, i feel like i'm in vacation mode. this is always my favourite work week of the year. i wear jeans, it's really quiet and relaxing. lovely. i've been setting aside work to do to keep me busy. i feel pretty happy actually.

 

why lies he in such mean estate
where ox and ass are feeding.

calendar

well here we are.

it's the night before my birthday. my birthday eve if you will.

i don't even know what to say. i am well. i am happy. 30 was great. and not just because of my legal union with brendan. thirty has been very liberating. it's fantastic being out of my 20s. i feel comfortable with who i am. i'm struggling with my weight and wish my hair was longer, but aside from that i don't have an major qualms. my life is peaceful and i'm not anxious or burdened.

i love the way that in spite of all changes, life pretty much stays the same. i'm here in the maxi pad. i have the same job, same family, same mojomobile, same friends, same kitties. i have a new legal partner/housemate, i have a new boss, i have a new niece, new in-laws. i guess life changes slowly. so gradually that at times change can go unnoticed. i like that. i think it's the right speed for me. even when i've been impatient or overwhelmed. in those times i just need some perspective. i don't usually see the big picture. i'm present, sometimes too present that i'm unable to see 5 minutes from now. my biggest blindspots are in the realm of time.

joanna was our special guest at book club tonight. it was great having her. i don't want to say that i wish she didn't live in australia, but it would be nice if australia was closer and we could chat and knit regularly. she's a good egg. there's no one like jo.

then what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties.

gown

on tuesday i had an appointment with a specialist at trention hospital. i'd been referred there because the wait to see the kingston specialist was quite long. in hindsight i was completely misinformed on what i was going for, and therefore went mentally and physcially unprepared. i ended up having minor surgery. nothing to be concerned about, it was so minor that i didn't even realize it was surgery until later that night when i was admitted at hotel dieu for severe pain. the drive home to kingston from trenton was awful. the pain went down my legs to my feet. i felt like passing out and/or throwing up. i would affirm myself as i drove "i'm doing good. i'm doing good". i didn't return to work, but instead drove right home. i tried calling brendan at rona, i tried calling my mom. i tried calling the hospital, i tried calling my mom again, i tried calling my doctor, i tried calling brendan again. i spent 2 hours waiting for returned calls while i flailed around in pain and wept big tears. when i got a hold of my mom she came over to be with me, and stayed with me til brendan got home - he left work immediately and caught the bus home. by the time he arrived i'd spoken to my doctor who advised me to go to the hospital. she said "i don't know anything about surgery", i tried to tell her "it wasn't surgery" but it turns out it was and i didn't know it. she said to me "what did he give you for the pain" and i said "he didn't give me anything, he didn't even tell me there would be pain".

so anyways, b drove me to HDH, we didn't have to wait long. our doctor there was very nice, and funny too. he reminded us of jemaine from flight of the conchords. he tried to get a hold of the "surgeon" in trenton to no avail. while we waited for him to get back i told b about trenton. i'd never been there before and it made me think of melissa - trying to imagine here there in that town. "everything was smaller" i said to b "the houses were the size of this room". "i very much doubt that" he said. dr jemaine came back and told me that the pain would probably last another 2 to 4 days, and that he would prescribe some strong meds for me. so i was given some percocet and sent on my way with my prescription in hand. things were on the up and up. we went to classic where i got season 3 of big bang theory. i got a pita for dinner while my prescription was being filled, and slowly the pain was diminishing while the percocet kicked in. brendan could tell i was feeling better as my whines and heavy breathing lessened. i went to bed early and all was better.

until morning. at 4 am i took more pills (following the instructions) and went back to bed. but when i got up for work i started feeling very nauseated and got the sweats so i got back into bed and asked b to call marilyn and let her know i wasn't coming. the nausea got worse as the morning wore on. most of the day i layed completely still suppressing the need to throw up. i hadn't barfed in years nor did i want to then. the fight continued into the afternoon when i decided to move to the living room for some tv watching. but that's where the battle was lost. i threw up repeatedly over the course of the afternoon. thankfully it was mostly just water. i tried to be brave as i was all alone (b was at work again), but i cried a little bit. eventually i got an email from bren saying that she'd heard from garry that he had a similar experience with percocet and that you have to eat something with it (even though the instructions didn't say anything about that). so over the course of the afternoon i started making myself eat. i stopped barfing, but moved slowly and was kind of hunched over. i got into bed at 8:30 or 9 and soon was out for the count.

today has been better. my appetite is very small, but i'm not in pain and my stomach is returning to normal. it was a very crazy two day experience. hopefully the worst is behind me, i'll try to be more informed next time.

it takes a stiff upper lip to just hold up my face.

scope

what do you think of secrets between partners. i don't mean partners keeping their own secrets, but rather being a secret keeper for someone else.

i've been thinking about this since a convo with b the other day. he was told something confidential by someone else, who in turn said "you can tell les, i assume you will because you're married". while i value sharing things with my partner, i feel there should be things that can be kept confidential even between partners if the situation calls for it. as i pondered this i asked brendan about it, he said he couldn't imagine not telling me something. while me on the other hand, i've kept a good number of private stories from brendan. it's not my own information, but certain contents of conversation with friends do not escape my lips. i approach sharing my friends stories on a need to know basis, and i don't think my other half needs to know those things. but mostly i recognize my friends rights to tell me things in confidence without me telling b.

brendan seemed surprised to hear that i hold words within me that i haven't shared with him. but i suppose he'd have no reason to be think otherwise. although there was one time when i had to say to him "just trust me, ok? i know more about this than you do" - implying there's information that he's not privy to, and left it at that. there've been times when he's told me something that i already knew, long before he found out. i usually just listen and say "uh-huh?" because i'm not certain how much he knows so i stay quiet or ask prompting questions to find out how much he knows - i don't want to spill any beans he doesn't already have. he doesn't seem to notice. i think this goes back to our myers-briggs personalities.

anyways, what do you think? i'm probably partially biased after being solo all those years, it always hurt and frustrated me to think of one spouse being a sieve to the other spouse. so i'm careful with the words i take in.

the edge is closer than you think.

cliff

saturday was a super productive day.

b and i tag-teamed working on his resume, and it turned out excellently. as usual whenever we do such work together i feel so energized and proud of him. if i was looking to hire, i'd select him in a second.

after that we headed out to do some christmas shopping, and were highly effective with that too. we're so close to being done that it's laughable. considering the fact that the mall is a place that deeply disturbs brendan, he did very well. until the end when i could see he was caving and feeling overwhelmed, so we boogied out of there as fast as possible we were supposed to only go to sears, but ended up going down to zellers for toy stuff for the nephews. so as a reward for b's endurance, we went to copper penny for a burger. it was delicious.

that evening, we stayed at a bed and breakfast! it was fun. some friends of my mom own a B&B and gave us a gift certificate as a wedding gift. we didn't have a lot of expectations, pretty much expected the basics - a bed and a breakfast, but it was actually really nice. it had a tv with satellite. so we just curled up on the bed and watched the tv. it was super relaxing. unfortunately, we were woken in the morning by a toddler. brendan was kind of unimpressed by that, in fact he was downright annoyed that the owners of a B&B would have a young child. but it turned out fine, and didn't wreck our time there.

i'm turning 31 in 4 days. i'm semi shocked by this. i'll be officially IN my thirties and not just at the door.

i don't think i'll make my 10 pound goal by january 5. i've been working out 5 days a week and watching what i eat and my weight is barely changing. it's ok though. when i signed on i expected it to take about 6 months to reach my goal, but on the schedule the girl suggested it would've only taken 2 months. maybe that's realistic for some people, but i think metabolism has something to do with it, and my body isn't keen to shed pounds at a rapid pace. i'm not quitting this jan 5 target, but i'm not going to give it power over me. i have to remember working out is about being healthy and feeling good.

they tease me, but i'm not diswaded. my senses tell me something, and i'm going to go with those hints and gestures. sometimes it means that i'm right. i'll just wait for the rest of them to catch up with me.

they missed fate's appointed rendezvous.

easing

shanno and i had a meeting of the minds at the goat last night. i drank a massive hot chocolate while she sipped a tiny spiked cappuccino.

sometimes when chatting with a friend there's both nothing and everything to talk about. i rambled on to shanno about this problem i've been having with my face lately. she politely listened and giggled at me when i told her that the problem i've been having is that i don't much like my face lately. i wanted to talk to her about this problem but was greatly distracted by the girl sitting at the table behind my pal. a dirty-blond was peering over her shannon's shoulder and listening to everything i was saying. it was very distracting, and in spite of the fact that i stopped what i was saying (waiting for her to look away), then started to giggle while she continued to stare, she persisted in doing it for the remainder of the evening. on a number of occassions we had to lower our voices and huddle in the middle of the table for more private topics. how very odd. i'm sure i've done my fair share of eavesdropping in my day, but i've always tried to be more sutble than that!! i felt like she was going to join our convo at any moment.

i've been very teary lately. my grandpa used to cry at the drop of a hat. maybe that's a little bit of bobby in me. i was reading at lunch and became overwhelmed by the story. tears sprung to my eyes and a slight whimper escaped my lips. i felt a little embarrased. these walls are blue and fall short in height. so i breathed deep and skimmed the next paragraph.

i know this song with this one really killer line,
i don't remember it exactly but it slays me everytime.

hang-nail

upon arriving home last evening i got into my pajamas and once dinner was finished i started work on the newsletter. after doing some prep work in advance it actually didn't take very long at all, and i was done by 9. i had the wonderful idea of going to storytellers to just listen to my friends read their stories, so i got redressed, boots on feet, about to head out the door when i remembered that my novice driver husband had taken the car. hm. that had never happened to me before. i've owned a car since i was 19 years old, and never once have i not had it at my disposal. true, i could've walked, rach's place isn't that far, but it was cold and there was only about an hour left, so once i got there there would only be 45 minutes remaining. so i stayed at home and watched big bang theory. i like that this is my new thing. and i kind of extra like it because it's just mine and not ours. i don't have to wait for b to get home to watch it. i ended up having a lovely evening. it was like i lived alone again. only different because i knew someone would be coming home to me later that night.

my new shampoo is not working out. i think i'm going to have to break-up with it. it's making my hair too staticy. yesterday i had to spray it with static guard. i'm missing my long flowing hair. i like the way it draps over me, and covers me when i'm feeling ugly. one more year. one year and it will be back to the length i long for. i don't feel like myself lately, i mean my body, it doesn't feel like mine, instead it feels foreign. i think it's because of my hair.

the thing i love about static guard is that the artwork on the canister is exactly the same as when i was a kid. with it's retro drawing of a lady spraying her hem. it's awesome. good for them for pushing thru the awkward "out-dated" phase and emerging on the other side of "charmingly vintage".

she's got this sweet face,
easy as tea leaves to read.

classic

we watched the documentary "babies" on the weekend. it was very unique because it had absolutely no dialogue at all and no narration.

if you don't know anything about it, i'll just explain that it follows 4 babies from birth to walking. each baby is from a different country and culture. one is from namibia, one from toyko, one from mongolia, and one from san francisco. it was amazing to see the different between the cultures. the baby from africa was surrounded by other kids and woman, while the baby from america had no community at all. the only activity the mom and babe did in a group was baby yoga and even that was individualistic. i was struck by the way "advancement" seemed to equal isolation. not only did the westernized babies give me the willies, i was also extremely bored by them. the troupe of moms in japan with strollers seemed so tedious, while the baby out in the field with cows in mongolia was so engaging. i loved seem the babies crawl on the ground, on rocks and dirt. it struck me odd that i'd never seen a baby crawl on anything other than carpet or a grassy backyard. and the stuff those babies put in their mouths! it was awesome! i finally understood what people mean when they say allergies are more common now because children are not in the dirt. those babies were in, on, and eating the dirt!

it was a very intriguing film. i don't think one environment is better than the others, nor are any worse. they were all happy and healthy babies.

i'm starting to realize it's not babies that i fear. nor is it the change in life-style. it's the idea of turning into someone i don't know. the possibility of losing myself, my beliefs, my values, the relationships i hold dear. i don't want that. but i wonder if parenting draws out in people tendencies that already exist. and if that's true i don't need to be afraid of being over-protective, shutting down or going into survive mode some day. at least now i can be a bit less freaked out.

 

'cuz words are vitamins and life is short.

dictionist

i'm super grumpy at the moment. really crabby and passive aggressive, while at the same time quite overtly aggressive at home and at work. i don't know what's going on. it was making brendan bonkers last night. i reminded myself of knickers, which made me a little sick to my stomach. bossy, controling, overbearing, nothing good enough. i wonder if that's a learn behaviour or if i just ended up there because i was worn and cranky. my "set in my ways" side is starting to come out. can someone please help me figure out how to say "i really like honey garlic sausages best, can you buy some for me please?" without sounding ungrateful and like my partner is a failure? because i don't know what to do with myself, and my attempts are coming out wrong. plus, i don't want to passive aggressively go out and buy some myself behind brendan's back. i love my b, and i want to build him up! not cut him down :S

 

it's hard sharing a computer. it means we're always dooking it out for the mouse.

i've been doing the YFC newsletter for 7 years. i had a chat with bren in the fall about it and she pointed out that i'm doing it out of obligation and not because it's life-giving or enjoyable. i like that bren is constantly bringing the words "life-giving" to my attention, and reminding me that life and it's activities are about more than just going thru the motions. she's not willing to just do something, it needs to have value. anyways, after looking at my commitments i decided that the newsletter was something i could resign from. 7 years is a good tenure, and it's fair for me to move on. so i gave my notice, informing them that the christmas newsletter will be my last. and so now the time has come for me to assemble this final newsletter and it's more painful than usual. i always found the last assignment of the semester to be the hardest. the one that required the greatest amount of endurance. the thing about about the newsletter is that if i don't start on it before 7 it's pretty must pointless to try. and i've found that it usually involves a few false starts. the frustrating thing is that since i didn't finish it last night i'm going to have to miss storytellers tonight.

i like that every time shannon goes home to the soo she writes me these big long emails about her adventures there. it's like i'm her diary. i like it and look forward to her tales of sneakiness.

they cost us next to nothing. and i think they're totally awesome. he's a good cutter :) plus, it was a good excuse to buy beer.

 

i value my mobility.

bridge

for the first time in recent history i'm really loving the snow!!

as a kid i loved the snow.

as a teenager i liked snow on my birthday and christmas, but other than that it was an annoyance. i remember one time there was a snow storm and we couldn't get the car out of the driveway which meant we couldn't get to youth group which meant i couldn't see the boy i liked. i was annoyed.

as a young adult i hated the snow because it meant shoveling and it was cold, it was dangerous, and it happened in the darkest season of the year. all in all winter was depressing.

but now as a sophomore adult, i'm learning to love the snow again. it requires thinking ahead, driving more carefully, dressing appropriately, but none of those things are unbearable. i like the feeling of being cozy instead a building with the snow falling outside and the ground being covered in a layer of white. i like winter accessories. i like how beautiful the world looks during my morning commute.

i feel happy.

last night i worked and worked on my self-created mess. i cleaned and i tidied. i found a place for placeless things. man i feel good about it. i accomplished a lot. awesome. i still need to tackle my desk at some point, but hopefully i'll keep things more tidy from here on in. the spring was so hectic that i'm still just getting around to dealing with the mess created back then. it's funny actually because although i'm not naturally tidy, i really like tidiness. b was surprised to discover this and wondered why this craving for tidy was coming from. i think it's because my mom's house is mega tidy. she grew up in a hotel and her upbringing has never left her. perhaps my upbringing has never left me either. i'm just very cyclical about it and not consistant.

 

it's a narrow margin,
just room enough for regret.

cogwheel

i was hoping to write on saturday, but the day disappeared before i had the chance.

i bought a new winter coat!! it's similar to my other one that was falling apart, but this one is light brown and the other one was black. it feels good to wear, and the lining is intact. it's a little loose on me, which makes me a little self-conscious that its a little unflattering, but i could move the buttons over so it fits more snuggly. i'm quite pleased with it. i got it at value village for 14.99. while i was there i also bought b a tie. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but brendan owns three shirts, and wears them in an uneven cycle. he feels it keeps his life more simple when he doesn't have to worry about what to wear. i know this about him, and respect his right to choose that life style. i'm kind of excited because ties are the only area of his wardrobe that has a bit of variety, and i'm really tickled with the idea of buying him inexpensive nice ties at V.V. on ocassion. this one was a nice purple which in the store would've cost around $45-$50, and i got it for $4.99! :D i'm pretty excited about that.

what did he need a new tie for you ask? my work christmas party was on saturday! adorned in his new tie, he looked like a million bux. he thought i looked nice too :) it was at the days inn. the food was great (i brought a tupperware for the rest of my steak because i knew it would be too big for me to eat in one shot), and we did some fun people watching. being a couple of introverts we mostly just sat at our table while everyone else mingled. sometimes i thought perhaps i should mingle, but i didn't want to. i found it funny that beside us, was a table of my peers (who i know thru the united way committee) but instead we sat with my workmates who are around twice our ages (give or take). the knickers was there, making me as bonkers as ever, but it was ok, i'm pretty skilled at deflecting her. pictures to follow...

sunday was a nice relaxing day. i did some work on christmas gifts, and unfortuantely left the house in greater disarray than when i started. the ironic part was that i had hoped to do some cleaning/tidying this weekend and instead made it much wors (to brendan's dismay). i've gotts to do something about it tonight. but on the plus side, the gifts are looking great! i knitted so much yesterday that my arms hurt. i rented big bang theory on dvd and watched all 3 discs while working, AND 2 movies. it's good to have something to watch while crafting. although, i fell asleep on the couch with b during the second movie.

sometimes it seems really bizarre that there was a time when brendan and i didn't live together at the maxi pad.

 

you make beautiful things out of the dust.

too

importing my emails into my new account is taking a while but i find it very entertaining. i currently have 5844 new emails.

sometimes i peruse thru them. it's like walking down memory lane. things i forgot about. things i remember fondly. i look at them differently now, like a third party would. i've really been struck by the loveliness and richness of my friendships. i feel very fortunate.

my birthday is in 2 weeks today. i've been pondering what to do to celebrate. for the last 4 years i've had a big celebration inviting people into my home (or last year it was bren's home). i always had a great time. i think i'll try to do the same sort of thing, but in a smaller scale. on average (except for last year - my big 30th celebration) i've had about 15 people in the maxipad. and while that's doable, it's a lot of work. so i think i'll scale it down and try to keep the number to less than 10. this is kind of hard for me, because i really love to be inclusive. it's something i strive to do, inclusivity is in the forefront of my mind. so i appologize if some of you miss out this year, it's not actually a reflection of how much i value our friendship. i do enjoy your company a great deal. i've just go to do something a little more low key :)

i like it when i find things in my house (like cds) that i didn't know i had. i'm not talking about things i forgot i had. but things i plum didn't know i had.

kick back for the afternoon in this fluorescent palace.

toes

i am very excited....

roughly 5 months ago i opened a new gmail account to correspond with my new last name. as much as i felt it was important to have an email address that complied with the name change i was saddened that my email history was gone. and besides that, it was a massive pain to have to switch account to find old files that i needed. BUT i've just discovered that i can import my email email history from my other account!! so i started the process. it said that it could take up to 2 days to complete. so far i'm loving it! i get to see my old emails from 2006 appear in my inbox. so far my favourites are emails from melissa back when we were just becoming friends. i saw one from when i was her spare key person and had gone in while she was away to feed her old cat or something. anyways, i woke in the night afraid i hadn't looked it behind me so at 2 am i drove to her house to make sure the door was locked. hahaha. anyways, i just came across the email i wrote to her explaining my midnight adventure. so funny. i'd totally forgotten about that!

i have 119 new old emails in my inbox, and that's only 2-3 months worth. what a relief it will be to have everything in one spot. i'm so happy that gmail is so clever.

my dad was telling me the other day that the new store "freshco" is totally awesome. he raved about it in a manner true to my family. so i decided to give it a whirl. he said the prices were comparable to food basics, if not better. so i bought a bunch of black plums, among other things. they looked great. picture perfect plums. but i've noticed something over the last week of eating them for my morning snack... they have next to no flavour. they don't taste like anything! it's kind of disappointing. i wonder if they've been enhanced to mature faster which cut out the opportunity to develop their juicey flavour. odd.

 

when you sit right down in the middle of yourself

you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair.

ovaltine

i've been doing a lot of listening to more experienced married folks lately. not intentionally to seek advise, but thru general discussion about life i'm learning things.

the thing that's striking me the most is that in a marriage partnership (or any kind of partnership of that nature), there's a lot of play on strengths. this has been a little hard for me to get my head around. having been going it solo for many years, plus living alone, and observing being raised by a single parent, i came to function fully. i either learned to do something myself, or learned to manage with my best efforts. it was draining and tedious, but i had to endure. i would tell myself "i have to be able to do (such and such) because i have to be able to take care of myself". but i'm starting to realize that that's a little more like "fending for myself" than i realized, and there's no room for that in a partnership. each partner can't just fend for his or her self. i suppose that as i entered co-habitating with brendan i came at it from the approach of us both being 100% capable of everything. but... it doesn't work like that. while i do think we should cross-train (make sure we both know how to do important things), it's not necessary for us both to do everything well in order to have an equal partnership. this is probably more obvious to those who are accustomed to the tune of partnership, but it's a bit of a revelation to me.

b and i still have a lot of learning to do in identifying each others strengths. we're still working out our dynamics and are a while off from the dust settling into a consistant norm.

after we missed storytellers last week, rach filled me in on the writing topic. one of the activities was writing about the first time you felt like an adult. it took me a few days before i came to a conclusion, i think that's because i was 7 or 8 years old. when i was little my mom worked at an office downtown. there was one particular P.A. day when joy and i took the city bus down town in the late morning, and she met us at the bus stop. i think that was the first time i felt like an adult... taking the city bus with my sister. transportation has always been the key to me feeling grown-up and independant. the next thing was taking the bus downtown as a preteen on saturdays. then getting my licence and getting to drive alone. i bought my first car at 19. freedom and transit are one in the same to me. it was the legs that gave me movement, and that mobility gave me choices and options. when i told brendan that i pin-pointed my first adult experience down to a bus ride when i was seven, he said "ah yes. the famous bus ride with joy to bethel". clearly it made an impression on me and i've expressed it once or twice.

i don't like it when people talk to me when i have my snack. i like to relish it without distraction.

 

tea in the sahara with you.

clear

it's official.

my name is lesley meredith lorimer.

my birth certificate arrived in the mail today, along with my change of name certificate. it's very exciting. the change of name certificate is really big and it's purple!

i'm really happy because mcknight still appears on my birth cerficiate. it shows as "nee mcknight" underneath my new name. i didn't have to go the route of getting a new birth certificate, but i figure i'll be a lorimer for longer than i was a mcknight so i wanted to dive in, and go all the way. even so, i'm happy to have not cut ties with it officially, but instead put it on the back burner or the bottom shelf.

now i can proceed with replacing all my cards, and getting my new passport, and updating my bills, and adding brendan to my credit card as a card holder (i could've done that before, but it was easier to just wait and do it all at once).

hooray! i'm excited. i feel like we've just deepened once again to a new depth of commitment. or at least like our connection is even more official. or something.

you know my name, look up the number.

rucksack

my sermon went pretty well. i felt my verbal delivery was better than last time, and definitely better than any of my practise run-throughs.

i was alarmed at how quickly it was finished. when i reached my last page i felt a wave of worry, but brendan said i went for a normal amount of time. i also worried that i read too much from the bible, but the way i see it, why should i paraphrase the bible when i can just read it and it speaks for itself. i weaved together the christmas story from the beginning of the bible to the end. it was the first week of advent so my topic was hope. i talked about how christmas is more than just a birthday, but it was the fulfillment of an ancient promise and the beginning of something significant. in looking closely at christmas and digging in it's purpose and significance i feel a new enthusiasm for christmas that i've never felt before. it SHOULD be posted on the next church website at some point, but it looks like last week's didn't get posted so perhaps this week's won't either. so if you're interested i can send you my written sermon to read. it's not very long.

we met up with my family at wendy's for lunch, then b and i went down to the KRC for a hockey game. i got free tickets from being on the united way committee. it was fun. they lost terribly. 7 to 1 and only scored their goal in the last 4 minutes. it's always amusing to see brendan really into sports. i spent the time knitting and got a lot done. i was pleased with that. unfortunately it meant i missed a lot of the crucial moments because i was looking down. i saw a number of my fellow committee members from work there too. i'm pretty sure they already thought i was weird but seeing me knit at a hockey game probably just confirmed their suspicions. i'm perfectly ok with that.

does anyone (who lives near by) have a glue gun we can borrow? we're making gifts this year with b's side of the family and we need a hot glue gun. going out to buy one would defeat the purpose of saving money by making gifts.

 

together we can see what we can find.

never

i'm preaching again tomorrow, and i'm feeling kind of stressed.

the writing part is no problem, i'm pretty comfortable and good at that.

the researching and forming ideas i enjoy, it's a great challenge.

speaking in front of a group of people again not a problem.

but the combination of speaking what i've written poses a big problem. i'm not as articulate in my spoken self as i am in my written self. i feel frustrated that i'm not able to convey my thoughts as well as i wrote them. i'm really disappointing.

i tried reading my sermon over and over out loud today. i almost started saying it louder as i read in hopes of it re-entering my ears and really taking root in my noggin.

i'm trying to relax and to just trust that everything will go fine. if i don't hold fast to my verbiage it will probably go better. i'm not a perfectionist, but i know i can do better than stumble my way thru. i'll let you know how it goes :S

it seems that in my two most commonly worn pair of pants, i've developed holes in my upper thigh region. i'm not sure what to do. i know i need to replace them, but there's not point until i loose weight. so as a result i've been wearing skirts over my pants more often than usual.

speaking of my pants. they are feeling rather tight. actually, a lot of things are. i feel frustrated. especially after i'd felt like i was starting to loose weight. really annoying. i must be pmsing – hopefully. i really want to make that 10 pound goal.

God is not a man sitting on a cloud.

pop

i shaved my legs with my eyes closed this morning. the shampoo was running into my eyes.

i shave my legs every 4 days all year round. no exceptions. i love having my legs shaved. arm pits too. i shave those even more frequently. when i was a teenager i was very different i let my armpit hair grown freely, it didn't bother me. however, it became a hinderance in keeping my body clean, so i kept it shorter. but short armpit hair is prickly like a man's face. so now i just keep them shaved all the time. it's my preference. i'm not bothered by my long-haired armpitted friends. that's their preference. i'm not political about armpit hair, no more than i am about the length of fingernails. sometimes i feel shocked when i see it on other people, but not because i'm offended, i've simply i forget that armpits are not actually bald. legs are a slightly different matter. i love the silkiness of my calves when shorn. if something comes up that hinders me from shaving my legs the hair slowly starts to bother me. i can feel it getting caught in my socks or pant legs. it grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. one time i was chatting with beckie online and said "i have to go. i need to shave my legs". nothing could have been more important to me than getting that attended to.

i've been thinking about sense of humour. humour is broad, and there's a sliding scale. some people enjoy other people's humour, but don't really express it. some people laugh really easily and thoroughly enjoy other people's humour, but aren't particularly funny themselves. then there are those who are funny and laugh long. and then there are those who are so funny that they can deliver with a straight face. i had a former colleague who laughed the most at her own jokes. that was always kind of awkward to sit thru :S

as i considered humour i thought of the funny people i know, and everyone is different. brendan's humour is dry and sutble - it actually goes unnoticed to most people until they get to know him and start to recognize his quiet side remarks. shannon has weird and random humour. cas, her humour is dry and witty with some sarcasm thrown in the mix. matt is kind of silly. melody's humour is sarcastic and observant. david... he's another story; he exaggerates and delights in awkwardness. tim lyon's humour is honest, he's funny because the things he says are true. ben and megan's humour are very similar in the sense that they can both say funny things with a straight face and they're very quick. however, ben then surpasses meg with his ability to describe things in the most creative ways. he has a way with words for sure. bren makes me laugh because she's very astute, and mike... his humour is kind of self-depricating. anyways... i'm sure that at this point you're starting to get my point. that there's lots of different ways faces of funny. i can't quite pin down my sense of humour. i'm not a joke teller, nor am i sarcastic or random. i'm sure there's lots of different kinds of funny that i haven't identified yet. i guess i fall into one of those categories.

i won't be blown by every breeze.

integrity

does anyone else feel like the christmas season is on us with avengence? i'm starting to feel that it's hard to juggle different events and gatherings. it's ok though, i'm not overwhelmed. i'm just noticing is all.

i'm making some serious progress at the gym. i'm feeling good and all my hard work is starting to become apparent. i didn't think counting calories would be something i'd really be "into" but i'm getting the hang of that and i'm recording them every day. it helps me be mindful of the things i consume. i see calories similarly to money. it helps to know how much i have to spend, and then work within it. just like how i can buy things and not feel guilty because i've budgeted for it, i can now eat guilty-free knowing i'm staying within my target zone. in fact, sometimes i have to be intentional to make sure i'm eating enough! it's neat! and i'm having fun kicking my own ass down to size. it takes a bit more intentionality and forward thinking. for example, for my upcoming work christmas party... i know that meal will be a big one. 4 courses, steak dinner, wine. SO to compensate for that i'll do a good workout in the day time, and have smaller breakfast and lunch. then when i have my 1000 calorie dinner it won't push me over the edge. hooray!

i'm really enjoying the red tent. after the last book that i read that i hated... i decided that i should read the first page before selecting a book. that way i'll be able to determine whether or not i like the writing style. last night instead of going to storytellers, b and i stayed home to read. i like that as we read to ourselves we'd both stop from time to time and tell each other about our books. then when i grew tired i got into bed to knit while listening to my booktape. it was overdue at the library so i just copied the contents onto my computer. i don't think that's stealing, because i didn't buy it to begin with. right? besides, after i'm done i'll just pitch it. it's not the best book tape, but it's not bad either. i figure some books are for reading, and other books are for listening.

i'm kind of a sucker for nice book covers. that's not to say i judge a book by it's cover, but if i get to pick between two different cover arts for the same book, i go for the lovely one. i read animal farm in high school (hated it at the time, but now i realize it was supposed to frustrate me), but i saw a new edition in indigo the other day and couldn't help but paw it's paper cover and drool a little bit. it was very visually appealing.

 

the daylight feels like it's a long way off.

 

 

sandstone

brendan and i booked our next trip!! we're going to ireland! we're flying to dublin by way of JFK from syracuse. we're going at the end of march for 10 days, so we'll arrive back in april. yay! we're both pretty excited about it. we got a good price on our tickets, and the exchange rate for the euro and the pound sterling is very good right now. we'll stay at hostels and backpack it around the island. it'll be pretty jammed packed because we're going to only spend a few days in about 4 or 5 different places. hopefully we'll get to see rachel & eric (et kids) while we're there, maybe we can crash on their couch in exchange for free babysitting! (rachel, i need your email address!)

both our dads families are from ireland, and specifically northern ireland. we're looking forward to visiting the town where both our families are from (ballymena). we'll have to be on the look-out for lorimers and mcknights :)

i can't wait to get our lonely planet and start planning! b had a friend from ireland (also named brendan) and he's gonna give us the downlow and a bit of an itinerary.

my mom keeps saying "aren't you going to go and visit our family while you're over there?". i admit, it feels funny to be in that neck of the woods and not be visiting aunts and uncle and cousins, but they're on a completely different island. i'd definitely make it a priority to visit them if we were in great britian. but i may get to go there with work in the next year so i'll visit then.

so the count-down for another trip has begun :)

 

where I grew up there weren't many trees,
where there was we'd tear them down
and use them on our enemies.

apiaries

i forgot my lunch this morning. that always makes me feel roughly 7 years old. i hate it when that happens. thankfully i did have some canned soup in the drawer so i didn't starve, but it wasn't very good either. regardless, i appreciated it because it meant i was able to stay in and read over lunch instead of wasting it by driving to amherstview. i've started a new book, and i'm really digging it. i went to indigo with the strict purpose of browsing til something caught my eye. but for some reason the moment i entered the store "the red tent" popped into my head and i selected it immediately. i'm not too disappointed because i'm really enjoying it, but i like browsing.

the weekend was the perfect amount of full and not busy:
shannon and i watched the santa claus parade thru her bedroom window on above grecos. we drank beer and gave each float a letter grade. the average was a C-. shanno said the float in the soo is better. that did not surprise me. ktown's parade is more like a marching advertisement. b picked me up when it was over and drove me back home by way of the hill on ordinance. it was the first hill he'd started on in the mojomobile, and it boded well for him. i think it increased his standard driving confidence 3 fold. then late late later that night we saw the final movie of the millennium trilogy at the screening room. woooo. it was great. it was a weekend of great movies because yesterday afternoon we saw harry potter 7 part 1. it was good. i really liked it. it was a highly enjoyable weekend. my only regret is that i stayed up reading too late and i felt a bit ill waking up this morning.

i'm preaching again next sunday. i started writing it on saturday, but am only about a quarter of the way in. i'm enjoying it. preaching stretches me in good ways. it forces me to really spend time contemplating things and to seek to understand enough to explain it. i've heard that teachers learn from what they teach. i wouldn't be surprised if i learn more thru the experience than anyone else does, although i do strive to present relevant and educational things.

i was amazed how husky your singing voice was.

detour

it dawned on me last night have it's been quite some time since i intentionally did something i'd never done before. the last year has been full of firsts, so i haven't had to make a conscious effort. but during this month of november nothing has naturally come up. hopefully i'll get to go to zumba next week with shanno, and then i'll be back on track. although, i did go on my first road trip with bren (if you exclude the two we've been on to peterborough: one with al, one with hatchers) to see ani difranco :D that feels so long ago now that it feels like last month!

i'm listening to u2 today. i don't really have any new music at the mo. i've finished listening to my latest new stuff. so i'm going thru the cds i have in my desk. monday-tuesday was sarah harmer. wednesday-thursday was radiohead. and today just felt like a u2 kind of day. a great line caught my ear, and has sent me into a tizzy of poetry and romanticism. "are you still growing wild, with everything tame around you?". oh man, i'd love to inhale those words. i suppose my answer would be "i dunno, i hope i am". i do hope that. for always. a lot has calmed down in my life in recent years. my family is mended and not broken. my job is peaceful and inspiring instead of frustrating and spirit-killing. my love-life is blooming instead of crushing. my friendships are rich and meaningful not tortured and burdensome. and my faith... well it's always new and revealing. it's fair to say that life is somewhat tame for the first time in my life. i don't feel too busy, or like i don't have breathing space. i think that's a good thing. ani has a new song on that says something like "if you're not getting happier as you get older than you're screwing it up". i can concure with that. so i suppose the question is... am i still growing wild? can one be both tame and wild at the same time? hmmm... i think so. like wild strawberries for example :)

i feel peaceful. really truly peaceful. i'd like to listen and hear more.

today i slapped my own ass spontaneously, without thinking about it. then i realized my colleague was standing behind me and i felt stupid :S it was an accident. an accidental on purpose.

bren is leaving on a jet plane today. she's flying all the way to ethiopia. i'm so glad for her. it makes my heart swell because i know how much she's been longing to reconnect with the developing world. she's felt disengaged from what has been her life's work. i'll miss her, but i know it's good for her soul, and besides, she'll be home soon.

 

i won't be blown by every breeze.

dobro

i finished the crappest book at lunch today. man, i hated it. all the way along. but i'm not a quiter when it comes to books. i don't like the feeling of being defeated by a novel. i feel a great sense of satisfaction that i completed that terrible book. i kicked it's ass. you are not the boss of me book! you can't bore me into submission. i bought you, and now i've owned you too! if i could tell a book "screw you" that would be the book i'd say it to.

 

it's a steady job,

but he wants to be a paperback writer.

just

yesterday at goodlife one of the trainers approached me. being introverted i didn't particularly like being engaged in conversation. i politely listened to what she was saying and was surprised to discover i was actually interested. she gave me a card where i'm supposed to mark down which days i'm commited to working out on a provided calendar from now until january 5. i'm supposed to circle those days. whenever i work out i'm supposed to put an X on that date. they want to see that i'm committed, although if i don't make it to those days exactly but have the same number of Xs as circles then my card gets put into a raffle for 6 personal training sessions with her. also she wanted me to set a goal for jan 5, and if i reach that goal that also puts me into the raffle. she said "now... you want to set a realistic goal so that you can qualify". she took me into the consulting room where she weighed me a put me on a machine that calculated my body fat %. obviously it's greater than it should be, but that's why i'm working out! :D based on that she marked down 10 pounds by january 5. when i got home i counted how many weeks there are from now to jan 5. seven weeks. which means i have to lose 1.4 pounds a week. i got a little nervous that that was too ambitious of a goal, but deidre said "make a realistic goal" and then suggested 10 pounds, so it MUST be doable. i'm gong to trust her, because she knows more about these things than me. the timing is kind of ironic. christmas is a known challenging time for folks watching there weight. part of me is annoyed that i'm going to have to be so diligent and mindful during the second half of december. BUT it's probably for the best. it feels good being accountable, even if i don't win and even if i don't ever really talk to deidre again, i still like having short term goal to work towards. i'm on the right track. i've lost 4 pounds since i weighed myself last, two weeks ago. although, that was when i was pmsing and that's always my most heavy week of the month, but i don't want to sell myself short. i'm doing more cardio and a bit less weights (i think that was part of why my weight went up), i'm eating better, and drinking more water. 10 pounds by jan 5... I CAN DO IT!

there's a flu shot clinic at work today. i like that they do that. anything to limit my number of errands. i HATE errands. i feel pretty comfortable getting needles because i used to get allergy shots. although, sometimes flu shots hurt more than allergy shots because they're given in a different part of the arm. to my surprise my food pollen allergies are bothering me more than usual. so i'm going to try the local honey thing. i can put it in my tea and in baking and see if it makes a difference. it's so sweet that it's kind of the opposite of cutting down on sugar, i'd rather do that then medicate myself.

 

everywhere we go, we're gonna be on the same road.

centennial

guess who passed his driving test last night!?!?!?!
BRENDAN!

at 4:00 yesterday afternoon, my dad picked up b and they went to the drive test place. it was dusk by the time he did his test (when he booked it months ago, it didn't occur to us that the sun would have set by 4:40), but he drove around for 15 minutes, parked on a hill, parallel parked, and dazzled the evaluator. the only slipped up once - did a rolling stop (which both my dad and i have been on his case about). but the guy didn't hold it against him because he aced the rest of it. he did great. i was so proud :)

i'm super grateful that my dad took the time to teach b how to drive. my dad's a good teacher. i knew it would bode well. it was also a great chance for b and my dad to get to know each other better. b really likes my dad, he's highly entertaining because he's so quirky and doesn't take himself too seriously. my dad has pretty much no inhibitions.

the three of us went to wendy's afterwards for a celebratory burger. we figured if he failed it would be a good consolation prize, but it was much more enjoyable that he passed. now he's just got to get more comfortable with driving stick and he'll be able to go out on his own :)

i'm really happy. i feel like brendan's really blooming.

 

*inhale* ah, i can smell the freedom :)

baby, you can drive my car.

pitch

we got an anonymous postcard in the mail yesterday.
it had a picture of nick cage dressed as the virgin mary.
crying.

and on the back it said "we're no longer virgins".
i have a feeling it was not sent from maui.

there it was, tucked in the seams.

interpretation

i accidentally infected brendan's computer with a virus last night :(

he was pretty upset because he's already battled 2 infections in the recent past and it was very debiltating. i was just using knitting websites, i wouldn't have thought they were danger zones. i've never had that problem before because my computer is a mac and my other computer is a highly protected work computer with firewalls and the like. i feel terrible.

well... my mom is ok. she broke her right wrist, they had to reset it twice. i honestly didn't think she'd manage that process, but they gave her some narcotics and she got thru it. the whole thing is very bizarre. she didn't think it was serious when it happened on sunday, so she went to bed, got up in the morning, had a shower, then drove to the hospital. can you imagine washing your hair or driving with a broken wrist!?!?! i don't really know how she did it. she feels kind of silly about the whole thing. they monitored her heart, but that was just the result of stress. i worry about my mom. she's super lonely and i'm sure being injured by herself was scary and unsettling. she and i don't really work the same way. i wish she'd be able to dream outside of her tunnel vision. it sometimes takes some creativity, but life can be awesome when you don't just sit and wait for something to come along and solve your problems. i'd like to see her make a move, and change something about her life. that's my prayer for her.

they've been moving the cubicles around at work. mine is staying put, but the space around me is changing. yesterday they moved a bunch of cabinets and i was showered with all sorts of natural light that i didn't know i was missing out on! and i can see the wall clock, which is great.

i'm really surprised because i'm feeling excited about christmas. i'm mostly looking forward to the time off and the time with family. but besides that, i think it helps that i'm thinking outside of my typical christmas box, and that excites me for some reason.

oh my goodness... my birthday is in one month tomorrow :S

 

shone between two shores.

fracture

argh! well, i found b.

it's a good thing i'm so frickin resourceful. i couldn't completely rule out the possibility that he was with robb. but i didn't know robb's mom's last name in order to look up her phone number. so i looked up melissa's address up on canada 411, because i knew that robb lived a block up from her. then, using google street view i found his house and zoomed in to see the address. then i used reverse 411, found someone with the last name mack. that didn't sound familiar but i thought the least i could do would be call and ask for robb and be told i had the wrong number. i called, robb answered. i tried to politely make small talk (welcoming him back to the country) before asking if he'd talked to brendan. "i have," he said "he's right here". *exhale*

phew! ones less thing to worry about. he's going to go to the hospital to check on my mom at some point this afternoon. she's probably still getting settled in at KGH after her patient transfer.

i did get a call from my dad saying he'd been to our house, said hello to the kitties, and that brendan wasn't there. thankfully by then i found him.

what a weird day.

i wouldn't come up for air.

cancel

i've been having a crazy day.

i got a call from hotel dieu saying my mom had a fall at home and was admitted into the hospital with a broken arm and heart problems.

when i got off the phone from then i tried calling brendan to let him know but couldn't get a hold of him. i've called many times since, he's MIA. i called his mom and she noted that he hasn't been on facebook, i noticed that he hasn't been on his computer because he didn't visit pspd and he usually does upon getting up. i called my sister, next, my dad. sent b an email. i checked out online banking to see if he's been out and about, but no transactions have been made. i've now asked my dad to go to my house to make sure that brendan is ok. i have visions of him slipping in the shower. this is really unlike him. i feel frustrated and concerned. i don't need him disappearing when i have my mom in the hospital with a gash in her head.

man i feel stressed. annoyed. and worried.

i'm just gonna sit tight til i hear from my dad. the only other thing i can think of is perhaps he's gone out with robb who just arrived home from india. but that's unlikely because i called so soon after he got up this morning (i woke him up by calling), there wouldn't have been time for him to shower and leave before i called about my mom.

bah! i feel very preoccupied by this.

i wouldn't stop for red lights.

hill

at lunch today liam points at brendan and says "uncle brendan". then he turns to tim when referring to me and says "what's that girl's name?". nice to see that my own flesh and blood doesn't recognize me :p when we told him he looked really sheepish, i think he knew it as soon as he heard it, but my name had slipped his mind. it was pretty cute and funny. that liam is a character. we should've told him that i was uncle brendan's wife.

i had a glass of wine when i got home from living room and i feel kind of tipsy :S i think i'm gonna pass out.

brendan is learning to drive, drive, drive stick. today he kept stalling. 5 times in a row. turns out he was hitting the brake instead of the gas. ahahah. it was funny. we had a good laugh.

God is not a man
God is not a white man

eyebrow

i spent six years inside a glass box. i lived like a pantomime in the world unseen. eventually i came to accept my state of being. learning that no one was going to come and save me from the prison of her. and so i planned my escape. in my planning i told all who would listen. my schemes where vast and risky, but they were worth it. it was worth the chance of being lost in the great unknown, unprotected by my glass box. but before my escape took place, before i had the chance to take a chance the glass box was lifted. she was gone, and a new her has appeared in her place be low me as the ground to stand on. instead of saying "do this" or "you can't do that" she whispers "which way do you want to go?" in my new freedom i don't know. but i breathe deep and smile to myself, knowing that for once i am my own rudder.

can't count, can't catch the pieces falling.

chez

shannon and i went to the casino tonight to celebrate the two year anniversary of my tattoo. it was on november 6, 2008 that little shanno and i went into the tattoo parlor where my black start got licked on by kittens. i like that we have this gambling tradition. i hope we go on or around it's anniversary every year for the rest of our lives.

tonight shanno made a killing. she won 57 dollars! the most i won was 74¢ and i quickly lost it again. thankfully i only spent 10 dollars. we enjoyed the free beverages and the bizarre atmosphere that makes up that crazy social experiment. for some reason my was directionally challenged on the way there and i kept taking wrong turns. i was afraid we'd run out of gas before we got there :S

the funny thing to me was that both shannon and i entered using our former identities. our IDs showed our maiden names, so we both were admitted under false pretenses. it was kind of amusing. how often do you get that opportunity :p

so my little black star is now 2 years old. over the years i've seen one person in real life with the EXACT same tattoo as me (but i didn't approach her about it because it was in cuba and she didn't appear to speak english), and was sent a photo by jill of another person who has the same tattoo as me. bizarre. when i got my black star on my inner wrist it never occurred to me that anyone would come up with the same idea as me. weird. regardless, i still like it. it's part of me. i'm glad it's here to stay.

i don't care how fast you run
just tell me baby that when you're done with your little marathon
that you still have cab fare home.

messy

emma is in town this week from the uk. which means i'm not accessing my email at work these days.

i knit my dad a toque and gave it to him yesterday. it was too big and he laughed at it. he's not very good at accepting gifts, but i didn't think he'd be anything other than proud to accept a knitted hat. i'm kind of sad about it. plus, brendan's isn't warm enough, or long enough or something. he says it's his favourite thing ever, but i'm disappointed that i didn't truly succeed.

the time change is pretty awesome. it's like a reset button has been pushed and i'm so pumped. how wonderful. daylights saving time is good after all.

i'm feeling good physically. i think the exercise is starting to work. i'm being careful to not over-eat and i'm doing more cardio. i felt less folded over when sitting today, and my pants didn't feel tight EVEN THOUGH i just washed them! hooray!

i'm thinking about adding some colour to my hair. now that i have bangs. i don't really know how to do it. i was inspired by this photo of ani. i figure i'd need to take out some of my brown first. any suggestions? i don't want it to be all of bangs, just the tips and i want it to be gradual. advise would be appreciated.

oh, speaking of hair... i figured the whole poofy hair business. i was using TOO MUCH conditioner. yesterday i just used the size of a quarter and it turned out exactly the way i wanted :D

the gravity of duties
or the ground speed of joy?

righteous

ok, so the ani concert. i felt that deserved it's own entry.

bren and i did very well for time. we arrived at 7:30 (the doors opened at 7). we got pretty good seats, fourth row... way over by the wall, but that was ok with me.

the crowd was really interesting. it was full of great people watching potential but the view would've been better from a balcony so we didn't get to observe much. the hall was filled with 90% women, and of those, i would guess at least 50% were lesbian. i couldn't help but think about ani's decision to marry a man after so many years being known as bisexual and sometimes thought of as lesbian herself. i can see why it would feel like a betrayal. being married to a man and having a baby makes her seem really conventional in comparison to her past experiences. she actually sang a song about looking back on the time when she slept with everyone from her now perspective of not doing that. she seems really in love and connected with her partner, it's really charming, enchanting in a way. although she didn't really talk about that part of her life or her baby.

the opener was unknown to me and bren. when she first came out i assumed she was an up and comer, but after a large percentage of people cheered in familiarity i wondered if perhaps she was a queer and as a result known to the queer community. turns out i was right. i quite liked her stuff, she was solid and there was a level of professionalism that is often missing in openers. her name is melissa ferrick if you're interested in checking her out.

ani was great. i remember the feeling of seeing her on stage and it truly hitting me that ani difranco was standing before me in the flesh. i was a little in shock for the first song or two. i love how familiar her voice is, and how i knew it was her from hearing her talk and laugh. i know... i realize she wouldn't send an impostor or something, but it's still neat to be able to recognize her that way. she has this great spunk to her. the way she moves around and lifts her knee in the air when she plays. she seems really comfortable in her own skin, i really admire that. and it makes her very compelling to watch, i was always curious about what she'd do or say next.

she had 6 guitars. after each song and man would come from off stage and give her a new one then walk away again. all her guitars were wireless which really intrigued me. i'd never seen wireless guitars before, but i figured they can make a lot of things wireless, so why not guitars?? each guitar was different, although there was two similar - you could tell them apart because one was more damaged than the other. it seems she doesn't like pick-guards, because none of her guitars had one. she wore picks or something like it on each finger.

there was a whole band with her. they were solid folks. a lot of the songs were new, which was what i expected. ani has written hundreds of songs, and released 35 albums. pretty impressive. bren knew more songs than me, which is understandable because she's been a fan for about 10 years longer than me. i didn't mind, i loved all her songs anyways. i think the whole a lot of insight.

it was a great show. i hope we get another chance to see her, i'd like for b to see her live at some point. he's not very familiar with her music, but i think he'd really appreciate her guitar skills.

we got home around 12:40. in time for me to go to bed and get up sufficient sleep for work the next day. i'll post 2 of my 3 pictures later.

you can doubt anything,
if you think about it long enough.

flying low

on friday frank and i made a frankenlamp. we took two lamps and forged them together. i have to admit when he first suggested that it blew my mind. i'm not very knowledgeable about electrical work and i thought he'd have to take it home and use a sauder gun or something. needless so say, that wasn't necessary. it was fun though. it took over and hour, but it worked out really well. while we worked we just shoot the stuff, it was really nice. it's been a while since we had a chance to chat like that.

yesterday i went to value village and picked up a number of new items. i recently occurred to me that if i want to dress a certain way or feel better about my style (i haven't been keeping my recreational wardrobe up because i mostly wear work clothes) then i should buy some of the clothes i want! so i did, and i'm very pleased about it.

today was the first sunday in many months that we had nothing on the docket except for church and brendan was having a driving lesson with my dad at 3. it's been really relaxing. brendan did well driving. it's been a while, but he warmed up again well. after a stint driving automatic, we took him out in my standard crv. i was worried that brendan would feel inundated by getting instruction from both my dad and me, but he did great. it was really smooth sailing. near then end he started to struggle with first, but all in all we thought he did fantastic. i think he'll catch in very quickly.

after arriving home from that, i didn't really know what to do with myself. i worked a little on thank you cards for our wedding guests, but i quickly got overwhelmed and stressed by that so brendan suggested i put them aside. i've been really putting that off because i find it really stressful, but maybe if i do a few at a time we'll get thru them asap. so anyways, i didn't really know what to do. i never have time to do nothing. so i did some painting. i've been needing to apply a second coat of paint to the birds on our bedroom wall ever since i first did them in august of '09. i was really nice! it's the first time i've painted in ages. i thought it was a good sign that i am feeling good and relaxed :D

we'd just grab a sandwich and put it in our mouths.

shred

on sunday, the sermon at next was about "love does not delight in evil". together we discussed what exactly that mean, examples and such. the first thing that came to my mind was the times that i get excited or giddy about gossip. sometimes it's because someone else's misfortune was amusing, other times i was just delightful to be in the know. i think it's time for me to get a life. being delighted by someone else's misfortune is the kissing cousin of meanness. it's too easy to observe and the criticize. in a way that's similar to delighting in another person's stupidity. it's actually just a lame-ass way to make one feel better about themselves. i've concluded it's time for me to part ways with meanness. i don't want to take part in mockery (unless it's teasing in good fun and the person is involved) or slander. the problem is that i find i'm very easily influenced in this manner. an atmosphere of meanness sticks to me like stink. it's hard to not get swallowed by toxicity, but i really want to be different from who i have been. i want to be more neutral, to see someone completely objectively and recognize their humanness. mocking is just low-brow kicks that i can do without. it will help me to remain more upbeat and healthy. i need to start by holding my tongue and responding differently in situations. sometimes i'll have to edit myself completely. i learned in pre-martial counselling that when you speak nicely about your partner you feel more fondly towards them. i think the same goes the other way around. when i speak harshly i begin to feel that the other person involved in an idiot.

after work i'm hitting the road with bren. we're taking the long dusty road to ottawa to see none other than ani difranco. i'm so happy about that. i feel pretty content because this is something i've been wanting to do for many years. i can't wait :)

when we're parted it's always too long.

recycle

brendan and i have been really into mad men season 2 this week. unfortunately, 2 nights ago brendan accidentally put disc 4 into the dvd player instead of disc 3 so we unwittingly watched the finale before finishing all the episodes. it's ok, it's ok. we're still watching the missed episodes, they make the others make more sense. without giving too much away, i really am enjoying the introduction of the character anna. i love how she knows everything about don. he is known to her - fully. it's kind of sad because betty knows nothing, she's completely in the dark. he is withdrawn from her, there's a barrier and a tension there because she doesn't understand or know him. but how could she? he hasn't let her in. i dunno. i've spent time in my life withholding, and i've spent time just letting it all out. i like being transparent. that being said, i am selective on who i'm transparent with. i kind of feel that the areas of my life that i'm most transparent (social life vs work life) are my most favourite, i'm the most invested in those.

i met up with meg last night for a cup of tea at sipps. i don't really have a lot to say about that other than the fact that i really enjoyed myself. i feel that meg is a safe person, i feel really free to be myself with her. which is pretty amazing considering we've only been family for a short period of time. when i got home brendan asked me "what did you talk about?".... "boys" i coyly told him... "figures" he said.

since i began my new workout regiment, i've gained approximately 3 pounds. i'm not so much discouraged as much as i'm super annoyed. people keep telling me that i'll soon or eventually begin to burn fat. i have to admit, it feels as though my body is confused or speaks a different language. i don't suppose it matters. i bought the membership so i'm going to use it anyways. it just would be nice to fit comfortably in my pants. that being said, i AM developing some serious muscle.

 

things have been really busy round here lately. if you're finding that i haven't been emaily or posty lately, that's why.

 

i don't really know what i was so mad about,
but the full moon is about a week away.

engine - pt 1

washing flour out of one's hair is more difficult than it would seem. and besides that, it makes the scalp really itchy.

so my dear friend melissa is married to one lucky guy. their wedding went well. they were super happy and seemed calm and not overwhelmed. beckie came to town from her new dwelling in quebec city to attend the wedding. it was fun. i'm very glad that she and brendan get along so well. my favourite part of the ceremony was when melissa accidentally said "i will be your faithful husband... i mean wife". that was hilarious and i laughed and laughed. we had about 2 hours between that and the reception so we went to indigo all dressed up to pick up a book i ordered, it was funny seeing brendan waunder around in a suit. the reception was lovely, and i enjoyed seeing and talking with acquaintences i know thru lissa. we didn't stay super late, and left before we got too tired.

the new mister and missus touw are in hawaii now. beckie flew back thru toronto on the same flight as them! so funny!

last night we joined other nexters in collecting food in the neighbourhood for the food drive. it went really well and i'm always amazed by the willingness of residents to help out. it was my first time doing the halloweeen harvest, but i've helped with the spring food blitz 3 or 4 times. we were paired with andrew and shannon, and then afterwards went down to harper's burger bar for a bite to eat.

 

love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
it will set you free.