onward

i started 2013 with a strong desire to be authentic. i wanted to move forward discovering who i am in light of new experiences and not turn into someone else. to navigate life as myself, and not feel compelled, required or coerced into behaving or decision-making solely according to what other folks think is best. i'm grateful to say, that so far i feel good about how i've achieved that.

i've noticed on facebook a number of people saying that 2013 was a real stinker. but for me it was the tops. i had a great year. in the first half, i did a lot of traveling (berlin, greece, arizona). FINALLY making it to berlin was a huge highlight in itself, but i also had a nice time there (in spite of the comedy of errors that i had my first day). plus, i got to travel business class and getting to come home to b was also pretty nice.

the second half was particularly special, and i'm not just meaning the baby. being off work has been SO WONDERFUL. i can't even express how good it's been for my soul. experiencing a significant break from my 8-4:30 routine has been such a breath of fresh air. i've never felt so much freedom or relief, and i'm so grateful for it. but i suppose it's not just being off work. this afternoon as i prepared my 2014 calendar, and looked through my 2013 calendar for birth dates, i saw with fresh eyes how WAY TOO over-commited i was. i had WAY TOO MUCH on the go. no wonder i was feeling burnt out and in over my head. i was guilty of not giving myself enough breathing room, or cutting myself enough slack. 'slack' is still something i struggling to define and evenly distribute, but i'm going to keep working at it.

my favourite thing about being off work is the fact that i can stay up as late as i want. if i'm reading or knitting or chatting or watching sitcoms, i don't have to hit the hay until i feel like it. it's the best. i think the freedom i've felt has gone hand in hand with this whole authenticity thing. not having to squeeze myself into a pre-determined schedule, and not having to squeeze out all the things i wish i could be doing, has been a nice change.

sometimes, no wait, scratch that... many times i've felt guilty for not writing as often as i used to, or not keeping in touch with friends as well as i used to, or going out as often as i used to. but once again i should cut myself some slack and remember that i'm not defined by my 'used to's, and that everyone changes over time as circumstances change. i guess i just have to adjust to that and let go of the expectations i have of myself.

so highlights of this year include:

• (for fore mentioned) trips to berlin, greece (particularly meteora) and arizona

• volunteering at KGH

• ultrasounds, midwife appointments, the praying womantises, belly blessing and belly casting

• an adult gap-year from work garden planting

• ottawa roadtrip with b on a weeknight

• music festivals

• a hard-fought birth followed by my dream baby
• part one of my adult gap-year from work

• camping with a newborn

• wednesday afternoons with b + é

• blue jays baseball game

• next retreat

• skeleton park with handrew

• thursday walks with sherri

• sunflower seeds, cider and king of the hill

• re-learning to sew
• new appliances and home improvements

i dunno, there's lots more, but where do i draw the line? so i'll just quit here :)

it's not like years ago.

tiny

we're home again from our christmas sleepovers. one night at nancy's place, and one night at joy's place. everything went really smoothly and we had a really peaceful and fun time. i like that my family all sit around in the living room on christmas afternoon with our books and read silently (plus liam playing his DS beside me). éamon was napping.

on christmas morning i got to have a bath in nancy's jacuzzi. it was a really nice start to the day. i just kept giggling with delight :)

all in all, i'd say it was a really lovely holiday.

when we got home today, as i waited for my ipod's OS to update, i started searching all-inclusive trips to bermuda. that's been our plan for the spring of 2014. a simple trip that requires very little planning to get our toes wet for traveling with a baby. but when i got looking at the prices, they were more expensive than we want to pay, so i did a random search and found trips to cuba for 60 to 70% less. so i think we'll go that route instead. we mostly just want a trip, and didn't have any particular reason for going to bermuda.

she says give her the things that money can buy.

slippy

i feel like this year in particular, i've really enjoyed giving christmas gifts. we put a lot of thought into our gift selections, and so far, they've been very well received.

on friday night, we had a house christmas party with andrew and shannon. we ate a delicious feast, exchanged gifts, and baked cookies. it's a fun tradition celebrating with them. shannon made me a 2014 calendar – 'a year of shanno and les'. it was super fun looking over the calendar, and some of the photos made me laugh to the verge of tears. i love homemade gifts.

this year, i wrapped a total of 46 christmas gifts. that sounds far more outrageous than it actually is. i've realized recently that b and i are, what one would call, 'fiscally conservative'. we don't spend what we don't have, and have a budget for everything. so the 46 gifts are mostly small gifts (and within budgeted) for our ever-increasing family. we're not giving each other anything, and we didn't buy anything for éamon, other than a few little things he needed anyways, but i'm keeping for this stocking. i think we'll always aim to keep christmas-giving modest with him.

rach told us about this clever gift giving approach: something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. i think that's just FANTASTIC! after giving it some thought, i think we'll use that for birthdays, and for christmas we'll do pajamas, something he wants and something homemade, every year. someday, when éamon's bigger, and we have a larger house with a playroom, i'm going to make him a play tent/teepee. i'm pretty excited about that. i love imagination play. this year we gave audrey a superhero costume. i made the cape, and we randomly found a matching eye-mask and wrist cuff at a toddler store. i think it'll be loads of fun :)

thankfully the weather is much more placid that it was this past weekend. we'll soon head out into the world and enjoy the fresh winter air.

let young hands build you up,
and carve your face in honest rock.

feather in my ear

i had a great birthday. b made me breakfast, we went to see the hobbit, then when b headed to work at 4, i tidied the house while éamon napped, and i had some friends over in the evening. it was really nice!

it's funny because, for several months now, i keep forgetting how old i am, so i kept thinking i was 34, and even told people i was 34. so it doesn't really feel like i've turned a new age. 34 is going to feel like a long year :p for some reason, i have an easier time remembering even-numbered ages.

i've found over the years, that it's much easier aging when one has accomplished the things they wanted to do by each age. so i feel really comfortable with this new age, which i'm really thankful for. that peace of mind.

without a doubt though, this year is noteworthy because of the massive fire on princess street. what crazy event, and amazingly no one was killed or injured. it'll be interesting to see what happens with that empty space. it's such a shame, since it was the first step in the williamsville revitalization program. but, i suppose it's better to have burned down now, than for it to catch fire after people were living in it.

i also discovered that i have the same birthday as pope francis, which is cool, because i really like him. 

we didn't start the fire,
it was always burning.

volcano

i need to hurry up and go to bed. my birthday begins in less than an hour, and i need to be firmly in bed, falling asleep by then.

33.

thirty-three.

it's been a great year. i don't even know if i can, or should, put into words what a great year this has been for me. but i can say this... it's been one of those red letter years that i'll look back on as a time of great significance. and for that reason, i feel reluctant to begin a new year. i'm not ready for this time to be over, but i suppose experiences, significant or not, are not limited by a specific window of time. so it's not actually over. this feels like a very special time in my life, and i'm super grateful for it.

i've learned a lot about myself, my partner, my relationships, my friends and family, this city, and many, many unknowns. i feel like all these things, and life in general has been cracked open a little more. and i've really enjoyed it.

thankfully there's still much more to experience. still many rich and full adventures to enjoy.

and so with that... i say good night.

what was it like?
to be young, strong, stupid and drunk

nightlight

i've seen several articles and videos on the website 'upworthy' lately about bodies. how even the most beautiful models are drastically touched up. cindy crawford is quoted for saying that she wished she looked like cindy crawford. this, paired with david's sermon last week about bodies and the cultural obsession with bodies, has got me thinking (this is separate to my post-pregnancy reflections on my body) about my face. since éamon was born, i haven't worn much make-up – mostly because of time. i still wear it on occasion, and i feel torn about whether i should make time for it more often. i'm usually aware of it when i see myself in photographs. i've always believed that i wear it for myself, which is true because brendan prefers me without make up, and he tells me that all the time. so i've decided i need to re-train my brain to get used to seeing my face without make up. i didn't start wearing any make-up until my mid-20s. all through high school and college i had a naked face and i preferred it that way – until i started getting insecure and felt a need to improve my face.

so my new year's resolution for 2014 will be to go a year without make up. it won't be a choice, so i won't constantly be thinking i should improve myself. i haven't been wearing make-up lately, but the option is always there if i had the time. so to make it official, on january 1 i'm going to throw the remains of my make-up in the trash. that way, it's not there, and i'd actually have to make the effort to buy more if i felt tempted to improve my face again. i never notice make-up on other people (unless it's bad), so i don't imagine that anyone else will notice it's absence on me.

i think this is an important step for me. the world would probably be a better place if everyone just loved who they are.

lo, how a rose e'er blooming
from tender stem hath sprung.

pedal

i've gotten really into making soup lately. i LOVE homemade soups, and i love that it's relatively easy. i have this fantasy that when i go back to work, that i'll make soup once a week so i have homemade soup for lunch each day. i don't know if that's going to be possible, but i'd like to start by making soup once a week until then. i got started a couple weeks ago making cauliflower soup for our small group. it was so easy and delicious that i wanted to try another. so a week later i made a tomato soup. i think my next one will be a carrot-coriander soup. MMmmm, Mm. sounds delicious. brendan is always telling me that i'm a good cook. sometimes it's hard for me to hear that because i've always believed so adamantly that i'm an awful cook. but i suppose that even things that are hard to hear are important to listen to. his word are slowly helping me build my confidence.

i really like the idea of making soup each week, but i'm really not a routine person. i can't stick with a routine for more than a few weeks before it bores me and makes me feel trapped. but i think there can be a lot of beauty in routine. and practicing something over the long term can be very rewarding. that's definitely something i'd like to experience. so i'm going to try, little by little, to become more comfortable with a schedule. i know that my work schedule has often irritated me, but since it's not something i have a choice about, i was able to stick with it until i can to discover the benefits. i'm hoping i can do that with soup. not that soup is that important, but it would be a step forward.

nothing is wrong its what she did.

locked

tonight when i went out to the car, i felt a cold breeze on my back. it spooked me out. it reminded me of how fearful and superstitious i used to be.

when i was a kid, the world was a scary place. i was terrified to walk my dog by myself, even in suburbia. looking back, it feels like my fears were huge, and largely unfounded. i think it's because my mom accidentally taught me that evil deeds and evil people lurked everywhere. i might even say she was unintentionally a fear monger. we lived a sheltered life, but she helped lead a 12-step group at our church, and as a result, knew a lot of really hurting people and she wanted to protect me. sometimes i'm tempted to believe that the world is not as bad as i thought it was, but then i remember all the other terrible things i didn't know about as a kid. so perhaps it's not that the world is less bad, but that i'm just less afraid than i was as a kid.

long lay the world in sin and error pining
till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

combo

this evening, andrew, shannon, b and i went to upper canada village for its 'alight at night' event. it was a crazy adventure. éamon was pretty out of sorts, and cried almost the whole way there. then he cried a bunch while we walked around. but eventually he fell asleep and we enjoyed walking around and seeing the lights. at 8ish, we decided to take the train ride (which usually costs extra, but was included with our ticket). we had to wait a little while, because one left just as we were arriving at the station. but eventually we all got aboard and were ready for some train-riding. about 10 minutes into our ride, the train started making loud, strange sounds, and it started to become clear that something was wrong with the car in front of us (we were in the front seats of the second car). the people in the car seemed completely obvious, which just contributed to the strangeness of the incident. eventually the driver stopped and we were able to see that the back wheels of the car had derailed. no information was given to us. we waited inside this strange christmas tunnel beside a snowman and a mechanical elf for at least a half hour. eventually, they drove us back to the main centre. thankfully the gift shop and cafe were still open, even though the village itself was closed. all in all, it was super bizarre and memorable :p

another highlight of the day is that we got a new stove! i love that the knobs are at the front instead of on the 'headboard' (i don't know the stove equivalent name). i'm looking forward to cooking on it tomorrow!

we built this city, we built this city on rock and roll.

stitch

i've been thinking a lot about post-baby bodies. well, when i say "a lot" i mean, it comes to mind frequently. to be honest, it's not something that really occurred to me pre-pregnancy. and even though when i was pregnant, i said to b "my body will never be the same again", i don't think i really understood how true that was.

my body wasn't perfect before éamon. there were things i wanted to change about it, and changes i was working on prior to pregnancy. so i wouldn't have expected my discomfort to be unfamiliar. i think one of the strange things for me is that i can't remember what my body was like before, i just know it was different. and not even really the shape, but rather the skin. how my skin feels, looks, it's shape – which is probably the weirdest change i can think of.

one friend of mine talks about how giving birth gave her a whole new respect for her body. and that she loves it now more than ever. i'm really hoping that someday i'll feel that way. i find though, that i feel more frustrated with my body than respectful. because i wasn't able to push him out, i feel like i didn't truly give birth to him. and i blame my body for thwarting my plans, my desires, my rite of passage.

the funny thing is that i have no regrets about my cesarean birth. i don't question the turn of events. but i do think, in time, i'm going to have to somehow reconcile with myself that missing link. maybe it's just a matter of re-framing what birth is, or what it means to me. i'm not upset about it, i just haven't been able to close the issue in my mind yet. it went like this > pregnancy, labour, _________, baby. i just wonder how much that blank is affecting my relationship with my new body.

at the midwives clinic, they have a poster in one of the rooms of the belly project. i really loved looking at it, and seeing all the different types of post-baby bellies. it was both encouraging and interesting. it especially helps when we're at swimming lessons when i see some of the other moms wearing bikinis and i'm wearing what feels like the equivalent of a swimming muumuu. but what i'd really like to know (instead of what other belly's look like) is how other mom's feel or felt in their post-baby body. this is probably the main/only issue that i feel unfamiliar with and as such, i feel unprepared. it might be my unfamiliarity that's making me feel unrestless. sometimes i lie in bed at night, sliding my finger back and forth across my scar in hopes that i'll become more accustomed to this new feature. i want to feel attached to it, like the scar on my face, or the tattoo on my wrist. it's part of me, and i want to feel like i earned it, and that it belongs to me. but instead it feels like press on nails or a temporary tattoo that's lasting longer than i expected. it's not just the scar though. that's just one aspect.

has no one else come out the other side to find that her body is a stranger?

let's get a silver bullet trailer
and have a baby boy.

chains

well... yesterday i was struck by the stomach flu. at first i assumed it was something else, because i haven't been in direct contact with anyone who's had a stomach bug. but eventually, after i threw up a few times, there was no denying that i'd been hit by a virus. it was fairly sudden, except the night before my tummy wasn't feeling so good.

b was very good about it, and took care of éamon really well. that kid didn't even noticed that i was out of commission. as i was barfing my guts out, he was giggling away with brendan on the living room floor. we were supposed to be helping with clean up at special meals, so instead b went on his own and we called ben and meg to see if one of them could come be with éamon while i lay in bed. that worked out very well. b was only gone an hour, and ben did a good job as éamon's very first babysitter.

i don't know about you, but i've noticed that every stomach flu is different, and it takes some time to figure each case out. after my third barf, i'd figured out that it was triggered by me moving. i'd lie still for quite a while and think i was feeling back to normal, but then i'd change positions or get up and end up throwing up. so by 10:00 i'd developed a plan where i'd just stay still for the rest of the night. except, i'd slide myself up into a sitting position to feed the baby. this, of course, would mean brendan would have to bring me the baby. and for the most part, nursing worked out just fine. i kept my torso still for the next 5 hours (moving my arms and legs to get more comfortable) and eventually, that seemed to do the trick, because i didn't throw up again.

i can't remember when i had a virus like this last. in recent years, vomiting has been triggered by things other than an illness. i swear, i've barfed more this year than the last 10 (maybe 15) years combined. morning sickness, cough-barfing, childbirth barfing, and now this. at least with a virus, it provides some relief and i feel temporarily better.

i'm definitely still recovering. my stomach is still not 100% and i still feel weak. the house is kind chaotic (partly because i'm crocheting éamon a christmas stocking, and my yarn is scattered all over the floor in the den), and i feel guilty about just sitting on my ass all day. but i suppose there's no other way of getting over the stomach flu than waiting it out.

let them see you through
all the hard things we've all gotta do.

condense

there's something about today that feels like winter. i haven't even been outdoors yet, but the sounds from outside, the feeling in the house, it just has a cozy feeling to it. i kind of like it. sometimes i forget that winter has it's nice moments too. there are fewer things i like about winter, but it has its redeeming qualities.

on saturday b and i took a mini road trip up to the hartington library so i could get the third book in the divergent series. have i written about that series yet? i've formed many blog entries in my head about it, but maybe they didn't make it onto the screen. joy lent me the first two books, which i burned through (although i paced myself with the last few chapters of insurgent because i knew i didn't have the third book yet). it was nice having an addictive book again, and i tried waiting patiently to get the third one from a friend of joy's. but when i discovered it was at the hartington library, i decided to drive up there. i haven't done as much reading as i'd planned since i picked it up, but i'm sure i'll read a lot today (it's b's long work day).

the divergent series has got me thinking a lot about what faction i would join. and what my greatest fears are (basically, the characters are forced to face their greatest fears). it's quite fascinating really. they're making a movie out of it, when we watched the trailer b said "it doesn't look very good". i dunno, i thought it seemed pretty good.

speaking of books to film movies... the hunger games catching fire is out. both b and i really want to see it (we re-watched the first one on friday). i've felt pretty intimidated about taking éamon to the movies (i don't want him to disturb people). but b discovered that there's a 3:00 matinee on wednesday (his afternoon off), so we're going to go! i had to cancel a dentist appointment that i had scheduled for that afternoon, but we're gonna go. i'm glad. we haven't let anything else stop us because we have a baby, and where there's a will, there's a way. we have these little baby noise ear muffs that we'll take, and i'll just nurse him til he falls asleep. if we're in the very back row, we can stand with him (if necessary). i think it'll be fine. besides, we heard recently that taking your baby to the movies is good practice for taking your baby on a plane.

you look like a movie star from this angle

send

when brendan and i were first married, he felt that i used too many drinking glasses. this especially bothered him because he washed the dishes. so he told me to pick one glass to be my water glass. so i picked my biggest glass – a coca cola cup that held 2 cups of water. i can't remember where i got the glass, but it was probably a gift from my early 20 days when i drank a lot of pop (specifically coke). eventually, i bought a metal straw to with my drinking glass, and together i was able to down 2 cups of water in less than a minute.

i don't know about you, but glassware tends to break around our house. and i've often worried that my water glass could meet an unfortunate end. several times it got knocked over, but always sustained the fall. i was relieved.

last night, at 4 in the morning i was awoken by the sound of glass breaking. i shot up in bed. brendan on the other hand, slept right thru it (even though he's a light sleeper, he becomes quite disoriented in his slumber and doesn't register sounds or talking). almost instinctively, i knew what it was. my loyal water glass had met it's end. and sure enough, when i came thru to the den, i found it shattered on the ground. our diabetic cat had struck again. often when pekoe's water bowl is empty, he'll go searching for other water sources and frequently finds my water glass. and now he's gone and broken it. yet another reason why i'm annoyed at his existence. first he made our basement floor his personal toilet, and now this.

i suppose that if i'd thought to check his water supply before bed, this wouldn't have happened. because when i returned to bed (planning on cleaning up the mess in the morning), i could hear him drinking the spilled water. so i got up and filled his bowl, which then meant i had to lie there listening to him drink the entire bowl for the next 20 minutes.

to be fair, the glass was poorly designed because it was top heavy (having the coke bottle shape). and sometimes i found that 2 cups of water isn't enough. i've recently seen even bigger water glasses, which got me wishing mine was larger. so today i'll go to value village to scower their glasswares section in search of a replacement water carrying vessel :S

did you push us when we fell?

stream

éamon has started petting our kitties.

a few weeks ago, pekoe came close when i was holding éamon and i stretched out his hand and petted his fur. his hand went from a fist to an open hand as we petted the cat. but now, when he's sitting in his chair, or when we're holding him and pekoe comes by, éamon reaches out and pets him on his own, all by himself! it's super cute. it makes me proud of him. every little thing he does makes me proud :)

hello my friend,
yes it's me.

mahogany

last night and this morning i stained a homemade shelf unit that we have in our kitchen. this morning, as i used varsol to remove the stain splatters from my arms, hands and face, i was amused thinking how normal that was for me. it got me thinking back to my first memory of using varsol, i think i was around 7 or 8 years old. joy and i had just finished taring the driveway. hahahaha. even writing that makes me laugh, because it seems so weird, but it was completely normal for us and i didn't think anything of it at the time.

i was talking to my dad on the phone the other night and he was telling me that my niece isn't a hard worker and that when her younger brother is outside raking leaves she doesn't help. he found this very strange and said "when you were little, we did everything as a family. we had you helping out with everything", which is true – including taring the driveway. i tared the driveway by myself for the first time when i was about 12. it was boring and my mom was at work, so i painted L E S on the driveway before i painted over it. for years afterwards, on the right angle i could still see my name written on the driveway even though i painted over it. i also remember that same day, when i was taking a break that a man arrived at my house and offered to finish it for me. i think he was looking to pick up some odd jobs, but i was just a kid and didn't have any money to pay him with, so i declined his offer.

i remember helping my parents strip wallpaper in the family room when i was 3 or 4 years old. it's one of my earliest memories of that house. we're going to be the same way with éamon, involving him in everything. it's a good way to teach a kid to do things, but it's also nice to include them on family projects. truthfully, i didn't always like helping (i especially hated raking leaves), but doing necessary things we don't like is part of life, and doing it together makes it fun. i also like that i built up my confidence. there is little i'm afraid to tackle around the house.

it's a family affair.

tasty

its always slightly disappointing when i see our mail-carrier walk past our house without delivering any packages.

lately i'm starting to feel more comfortable with my extra weight, ever since i figured out how to dress to suit my body. it's a subtle difference, but significant enough that i feel better about myself. it tones down all my problem areas. sometimes i ask brendan if what i'm wearing looks ok. he always says yes (sometimes without even looking), so i have to remind him that i'm asking him as a citizen of the world and not as my husband.

last night i tried baking those chick-pea peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. they turned out ok. i'm not sure if i'll make them part of my regular baking repertoire, but they're not bad. the thing i find most surprising about them, is that since they're mostly beans, they're remarkably filling.

when i take naps, i sleep on brendan's side of the bed. i must be subconsciously missing him. i like that his pillow smells like him.

i could drink a case of you.

bobbin

on wednesdays, éamon and i go swimming at the YMCA. each week i'm running late and each week i forget something (we've gone 5 times). this week i was determined that i would have everything we need and that i would leave in plenty of time. for the first few weeks we drove the car, but last week we took the bus and it worked out just fine, except i was rushing. so this week, i aimed at leaving around 9:30 (or at the very least be getting our coats and shoes on). before we left, i opened the door to check the weather, and found that it was super chilly. so, i got us both bundled up in warm clothes, and headed out the door. by the time i was half way to the bus stop, i realized that i'd forgotten our swimming bag (with our swimsuits and towels in it) and the diaper bag. i'd literally walked out the door with nothing other than the baby. thankfully, i was able to rush home, and make it to the bus stop with a couple minutes to spare. *eye roll*

i considered avoiding facebook on monday. last year i found remembrance day almost unbearable on facebook because people make extravagant statements about our freedom, which makes me cringe. however, i ended up forgetting and longing on as usual, but thankfully i didn't let it bother me as much this year. instead, i just skimmed past the statements i disagreed with. sometimes there's no sense in debating because people just become more set in their opinions.

on a similar topic... one of my cousins shared my grandpa's WW1 recruitment paperwork. it was very interesting and i'm looking forward to showing it to my dad. i was less interested in the military side of things than i was from a personal point of view. it had his full name (i didn't know his middle name), his mom's name (annie) and their address in hamilton. it made me want to look it up on google maps street view. my grandpa died before my sister and i were born. as a kid, i'd wonder what he was like. i remember making a comment once about how it would've been nice to know him, and my mom remarked back about how he wasn't that great. now that i'm an adult, with a kid of my own, i can understand how sometimes there are relatives who your kid is better off not knowing.

songs are like tattoos.

stud

neither brendan or i am very festive people. we don't really get into holiday cheer and all that. regardless, we're not going to do santa claus with éamon. we can't imagine telling him that a fictional character (with such a superficial back story) is real. i don't really know what the value to that is. i suppose people think it's fun, but i can think of loads of other fun things. besides, gift giving and christmas is fun without santa. my parents didn't pretend santa was real with us, and we still had stockings and all that.

i'm thinking of this because it occurred to me that the santa claus parade is in a few weeks. we won't be taking éamon to that. not because of santa, but because it's a lousy parade. i'd taking to the toronto parade, but the one in kingston is just a bunch of cars with advertising on them. in the past, when andrew and shannon lived on princess street, the four of us would sit at their window drinking beer and critiquing (mocking?) the floats – looking for the worst ones. we once witness a lovers quarrel that we found moderately entertaining. it was a fun tradition. it's really the only downside to them living upstairs now.

it's hard for me to understand, no not even understand, but fathom, why people get so excited about santa. to me, it feels like the equivalent to eating topsoil or something. but i'll strive for a 'live and let live' attitude on this topic, because there's no right or wrong.

i find myself knowing the things that i knew.

poppy

this afternoon while éamon was napping, i went for a walk to john's deli for a few items by myself. i like that i'm deeply connected to him, but don't feel lost without him (it probably helps that he's in good hands with b AND he was sleeping). just as i expected parenting to rock my world more than it has, i also expected my identity to become more scrambled by having a baby. i'm pleasantly surprised by this.

transitioning into this new experience has been remarkably similar to my transition into my relationship with brendan. before there was just one (me), but when i joined my life with brendan, my circle grew larger and it encompassed us both. then there was two (us). our circle has expanded yet again to welcome another person who will live and grow with us, and will eventually grow away. he's definitely his own little person, and i'm excited to learn more about him as he grows, but my life isn't just him, nor is his life mine. now we are three.

this said, relationships tend to blur the line between where we begin and where someone else ends. i like that éamon has reveals parts of me that i never knew where there before. a tender side i didn't know i was capable of. it's nice.

the saltiest sea knows its own way to me.

dreamer

when people talk about how much weight they lost after they had their baby (i.e. 40lbs in 3 months) are they including the weight of baby and other pregnancy related stuff? because i feel like it's going to be impossible for me to lose 40 pounds in 3 months. that said, if we're counting the weight evacuated by birth then i've lost 25 pounds. if not, then i've lost zero pounds, and i'm kind of annoyed by, it since éamon and i walk almost every day. however, i do feel like my legs are more muscular than they used to be from all the walking, so maybe there's muscle mass gained. i've started measuring my waist instead. bah! it's so frustrating. anyways...

i've been feeling pretty hard on myself since i had a difficulty finding pants that fit me comfortably at value village today. since then, i've been on a roll with criticizing myself. i cooked dinner tonight (which is something i don't usually do). i made a meatloaf for the first time ever and roasted acorn squash. in spite of my enthusiastic start, i became convinced that both were going to be utter failures. surprisingly enough, both turned out well.

i'm currently on my first period since i stopped taking my placenta pills. i think my hormones are kind of out of whack. ugh. i don't like it. i look forward to this passing.

i am progressing abominably
and i do not know my own way to the sea.

shingles

over the last few months, i've been watching the show 'king of the hill'. i've grown into quite a big fan, and often find myself waxing poetic to brendan while we drive in the car about what makes it such a good show. i'm now on the final season – season 13. i've discovered a funny thing. i'm pretty sure that over the course of weeks upon weeks of watching this show, that i've classic conditioned éamon into associating the theme song with nursing. when he is fussing because he wants to eat, he immediately starts to calm down when he hears that song playing.

shannon and i went on our yearly outing to the casino this evening. we did quite well for ourselves each (more or less) doubling what we went in with (5 and 10 dollars). not too shabby! as usual, we got lost on the way there and spent at least a half hour trying to re-route ourselves. next year we'll either bring directions or a GPS device. this year in particular, i started noticing the other folks there. we usually change machines every few minutes, but no one else seems to move places. they all seem perfectly settled in like they'll be there a while. so i decided to start peaking at their screens to see how much they're making. most folks were around 19 to 22 bux, while others were at $279 and even so high as $394, which is especially impressive since they were on 2¢ slot machines.

it was my first time truly going out without éamon (other than just going to a friend's house after he was in bed). i kissed him good-bye and left him with b to put to bed. he did great. at one point i wanted to call b just to make sure everything was ok, but more to make sure b was ok and not try to soothe a crying baby. but there was no cell phone reception, which turned out to be fine because everything was fine :)

if there's no music up in heaven then what's it for?

nanaimo

i've made some solid progress since sunday. all of a sudden our kitchen feels so inviting. i like just sitting in there on the counter. it has a nice feel to it.

for some time now, i've been thinking about hanging a little curtain over the open cupboard space in the kitchen. when we moved here, we took the cupboard door off. we had a nook like that at the maxipad, but for some reason i haven't liked the nook here quite as much. there's something missing. i felt it needed more colour. it also looked messy. so yesterday, after an outing to fabricland, i cracked open my new/old sewing machine and set to work.

it took some time for me to refresh my sewing machine memory. as a teen, i was quite eager to learn to sew and make things. i even took a sewing class in high school. my first project turned out less than stellar in my teachers eyes and she criticized it in front of my classmates. ironically, before i was told how crappy it was i was really excited. this inevitably took the wind out of my sails. after that, from time to time, i'd try again, but eventually quit trying since i would break the needle every time i touched a sewing machine.

but i've concluded that unlike knitting and crocheting, which don't require practice (once you've learned those skills you're set), sewing is more like learning an instrument or sport, which has a greater learning curve. so i'm going to work on basic projects until i've got the basics figured out. so far i've broken 2 needles, BUT i bought 4 more AND i'm learning from my mistakes.

my first project (the shelf curtain) turned out fine. and in fact, it looks very nice. it really adds something to the room. i've also put all my postcards on the cupboard doors like i did at the maxipad. it's starting to really look and feel like our space, instead of some generic kitchen. i've very pleased.

she had her mind made up fast.

sow and crow

it's easy for me to spiral into worry about the future.

this is completely silly and relevant to us right now, but i've been worrying lately (the last 24 hours) about down the road when we have a second kid. our house isn't realistically suitable for 2 kids and 2 adults, and that only occurred to me yesterday. since then, this abstract reality has been plaguing my mind. because i love our house, having a+s upstairs, living on main street. thankfully we're nowhere near to having a second baby, so it's not an issue we'll have to face anytime soon.

as i was out for an autumn stroll today, i concluded the best way to minimize worry about the future, is to focus on the present. we have long-term plans with our current home, so we can keep investing in it. and it will be several years before we have another baby, so i can put my anxiety about moving on the back burner. i told a friend the other day that i've decided to stop borrowing worry. so instead, i'm going to turn my attention to current things.

so i've decided tomorrow, éamon and i will take the bus to fabricland and i'll work on learning to use my sewing machine. and i'll dig around in the basement for our twinkle lights to hang in the den.

i was outside working in the garden today. it's truly a shame that autumn is the best gardening weather. the humid heat of summer doesn't inspire me to be in the sun weeding. anyway, i concluded that this year's garden is a true testament to that parable of the weeds choking out the plants. terribly unfortunate. the soil we used this year was riddled with weed seeds. it was a losing battle. something to keep in mind next time.

a one of these days your heart will just stop ticking,
and they sorta just don't find you till your cubicle is reeking.

freebie

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about alternate paths for my future. i'm still returning to work, but i've been imagining what it would be like if i didn't. i love being off work right now, and if it was a real possibility i'd definitely consider not returning. but ultimately, i don't thinking not working would fully satisfy me. i guess it would be nice to work part time.

anyways, i've started thinking about a second career. i still have over 30 years of work ahead of me, and i'm not sure if i want to be an office worker for the rest of my working days. for quite some time now, i've been feeling a desire to be in a helping field. nursing, caring, tending to people – specifically sick people. and i think i have a knack for it. so i've kind of concluded that if circumstances change at work (and truth be told, in my 10 years with bbd, there've been many times that our jobs have been in questions because of restructuring and what-not), i'm going to re-train in a new profession. i feel excited about this. it gives me a new sense of possibility.

after working in the middle of nowhere for a decade, i've been really enjoying spending my days downtown. i like frequenting local places and spaces on a weekday. i like seeing people out on their lunch breaks. i've been struck by the taste of a totally different pace and experience, which has gone me interested in exploring other vocations, in different locations.

i was in another lifetime,
one of toil and blood.

roadmap

all of a sudden, my house feels cold. it's chilly almost all the time, and coldest at night when i get up to nurse the baby. sometimes i have to remind myself that last year it wasn't so bad because i was pregnant and my body was just naturally warmer. so this year i have to adjust my expectations.

lately i find myself not wanting to get upset about things. i'd rather plod along, doing what i can, instead of getting worked up about things i can't change. i don't want to expend my energy on things beyond my reach or dive into conflict. it strikes me odd that there was a time when i did. it's hard to know if i'm just being lazy, or perhaps apathetic, but i don't think it's either of those things. i think i've just reached a point that i realized... if it's not this, it's that. i have to pace myself or this world will eat me alive. so i'm just going to work at staying calm.

i've been troubled today with the news of one my friends from work just had a major brain aneurism and it doesn't sound as though she's going to make it. this is on the heels on her 31 year old son dying suddenly from complications of cancer in july. i feel awful for her daughter, it's just too much. teri is a very warm person, we used to talk about books like we were gossiping about people in real life. while she's still living, i know that she's gone, and i'll never get to talk with her again. there's been too much death lately. especially related to work. but i suppose i shouldn't be surprised since most people at work are baby boomers. i guess that in the not so far future, the office will be a very different place to when i started there, because folks will start retiring soon too.

this entry seems much heavier than i feel. i'm well, and while i was out walking with b and éamon today, i was reflecting on how happy i am. maybe my vulnerability is coming out because i'm hungry. b's just finishing up cooking dinner.

take what your heart can take.

four/one

it's almost midnight and I'm sitting in the dark. my two guys are in bed, presumably asleep. I just downloaded a calorie count app for my iPod. I used this last fall when I was hoping to lose 15 pounds but got pregnant instead. now I have 30 pounds to drop before even reaching my previous starting line. I'm kind of discouraged. b keeps reminding me that it hasn't been that long since I had eamon, but I think my actual frustration is that it feels like I'm constantly losing weight, then gaining weight, then trying to lose it again. it's super annoying. I'm not sure what I was thinking, but for some reason I thought that breast feeding was some magic weight loss solution (this probably isn't a surprise to anyone else), but it's not.

besides that, I have a c-section belly. if you haven't had a c-section you probably don't know this, but not only does it leave a scar, but it also leaves a fatty shelf. I've been watching it shrink, but just learned that it will never completely go away :S

hence my discouragement.

well... I'm sure this app will help me. at the very least, I'm sure I'll think twice before I eat things like cake because I'll have to add it to my calorie counter.

the house is cold. I guess we're really into autumn now! it's only just going to get colder.

Sent from my iPod

rampage

i'm not always the most tactful person.

and often i feel badly about that later.

a older lady and gentleman just arrived on my doorstep to talk to me about the bible. it was awkward because i go to church and read the bible, so i'm not really the intended demographic (at least i don't think). because of that, i tried to keep it short as to not waste her time. in hindsight though, i probably could have been kinder and warmer. truth be told, i get my back-up about such interactions. she was clearly nervous and i'm sure she was out there knocking on doors because of her personal convictions. afterwards it occurred to me that she's probably someone's mom, and i imagined my own mom out there trying to encourage people to read the bible. while i wouldn't agree with it, i wouldn't want anyone to be rude to my mom.

i sincerely wasn't trying to be rude, but i wasn't trying to be loving either. instead, i was trying to be quick because she caught me in the middle of something. b said i should go out there and try and find her. maybe i should :S

come in, she said, i'll give ya shelter from the storm.

nothing

tonight i went to a neighbourhood meeting about the development of friendship park. it was down at rideaucrest home. for the most part, it was a good meeting. i've never attended such a meeting before, it made me feel like a very engaged citizen. i even asked two questions. it sounds as though these proposed plans are still in the early stages. they're replacing the tennis courts next summer as part of a city wide tennis court upgrade program. but the rest of the park won't be revitalized for several years. that's probably fine with me since none of the prayground equipment seemed targeted to babies or pre-schoolers. i quite liked both options. one thing i didn't vocalize, that i kind of wish i did, is that i think it would be smart and most effective, to make this park distinctly different to mcburney park. there's no sense in offering similar features. personally, i would like it if there was some kind of shelter for picnics in case of rain. but the park is so small that that's not really an option. i'm glad i went though.

i've been working really hard this week to be active. my belly has shrunk since giving birth, but i would really like to see quicker results. i suppose it'll take time, but with plenty of exercise and healthy eating, i should be able to lose 1 to 2 pounds a week. but i'm afraid my poundage remains unchanged. it doesn't help that our weighscale is super inaccurate. however, i feel like my legs are getting more firm/muscular. i can't remember when i did this much walking regularly. i'll just keep at it and try to be kind to myself. which isn't always easy.

you can have your cake and eat it too.

hair dryer/hand dryer

it's hard to believe that it's nearly the end of another week.

i'm super excited. yesterday éamon and i started swimming lessons! the little splashers for babies between 3 months to 18 months. i've been looking forward to this since i was pregnant. he LOVES splashing in the bathtub, so i figured he'd enjoy swimming too, and he did very well. it was SO FUN! we started with some songs, then putting faces in water. the teacher said it's important for babies to get used to putting their face underwater because if they don't do it until they're older, they're likely to be afraid to do it and it's harder to overcome. so she told us to blow in the baby's face so they scrunch up their nose, eyes and mouth, then to dunk them. so i did! and he did SO WELL (sorry, i'm going to brag a bunch, because it was really fun and i'm super proud of him). after we'd done it about 3 times, i looked around and noticed that none of the other babies hair was wet. so it seems he was the only one to do it. we did it a few more times. after that we did starfish on the front (basically him lying on this tummy in the water with his head up), then starfish on the back. then he 'swam' across the pool with a pool noodle (this was to practice kicking, which again he did really well). then we went back again on his back. then finished him the babies jumping into the water. since éamon was the youngest baby, i just lifted him in and out of the water. but by 18 months he will be able to jump into the pool. i can't wait til next week!!

my swimsuit arrived on tuesday. i ended up not getting either of the two i posted. i came across another one that i liked. it's a swimdress. it doesn't look as good on me as it does on her, but i like that it covers my bikini line since i gave up shaving that with my legs. i like it. it's very practical and comfortable. but it does remind me of the swimsuits that old ladies used to wear when i was young. it makes me feel like i'm turning into those women. those women who seemed so old.

whatever colors you have in your mind.

sour apples

hm, it's been a while since i wrote. unintentionally. it's funny that sometimes i have too much to say so i don't bother writing, and other times i have nothing to say, so again remain silent on the blog front.

to get quickly up to speed, i'll throw some random words out there:

• thanksgiving

• birthday

• beckie

• game night

• thanksgiving dinner

• barfing baby

• fridge

• swimsuit

on sunday, brendan turned 25 years old. while 25 is widely considered a milestone age, i was particularly excited about this event. when b and i first met, he was super young. when we started dating, he was still young, but now at 25, he's kind of plateauing off and just seems like a regular adult age. all that said, he never looked or acted young, but was still numerically young nonetheless.

i should probably go. i have some things to do around the house. i'd planned to start swimming with éamon today, but it turns out that's on monday and wednesdays, not tuesdays. i think i got it in my head that it's on the first day of the week so i thought it was today. but in the meantime, i'll go pick up my new swimsuit at JUST HIFI (which is oddly, also a sears drop-off location).

oh! one last thing. remember how i was thinking about cutting my hair back in august? well... i'm super glad i didn't. instead i've been wearing it in braids for 2 months. yesterday i felt like a change so i just put in a low ponytail and discovered that my hair is getting super long. it's probably the longest ponytail i've had in years! i love it! i'm gonna keep growing it :)

it's nice being able to encourage other pregnant people. my old housemate bonnie is overdue and is going to be induced on friday. she's really scared about that. when i shared with her my experience (that things didn't go as planned, but it was still very positive), she felt relieved and encouraged. being able to inspire hope to other people is another wonderful surprise from my birth experience.

you used to feel like a forest fire burning.

firmer

so far i've done my online aerobic routine twice, and MAN is it effective. in spite the fact that my ability is limited and i can barely keep up, i still break a major sweat and my face becomes very flush. i'm pleased and feel like i've really had a good workout. just doing the eliptical for a half hour has a significantly less impact. i always judge the quality of my workouts by whether or not i have to shower afterwards. so far i'm convinced that if i can keep this up, i will see results in no time. the only downside is that i look completely ridiculous to anyone who can see me thru the window.

last night éamon and i took the express bus to marilyn's husband's wake. it felt like the first time in a while that i'd been out and about after dark, and i was struck by the fact that almost every house that i passed that i was able to see in side, there was a person sitting near the window at a computer. i don't really know what that says really, but it made me a little uncomfortable. the ironic thing is that anyone passing by our house right now would see me doing the exact same thing. it was really a lovely evening to be out. the weather was ideal. after the wake, i sat on the curb waiting for b to come pick us up on his way home from napanee. i bet éamon that daddy was going to come from the left, and so by default he guessed that b would come from the right. he came from the left, so i won.

just a side note: i'm getting a roller blind installed on the den window :p

good times never seemed so good.

oatmeal

for most of my adult life, i've experience waves of weight loss and weight gain. shortly after i turned 24 (and a rapid, unexpected weight gain), i decided that i was going to take charge. i'd been to enough aerobic classes in college (just for fun) that i knew what to do, so i began doing aerobics in my bachelor apartment. and it worked. i did my half hour improvised workout regularly at home, and the pounds started coming off. eventually i joined a gym because i reached a plateau, but it was a good starting point, and was effective. i'm growing a little tired of my baby-weight and it's making me feel kind of crummy. after my last experience of getting a gym membership and having to pay for a year in full up front (then eventually flushing half a year down the drain), i know that paying to be fit is not a good use of money for me. so, i looked up a fitness program online tonight, and found one that i think will really work. it's very similar to what i used to do, but i'm a bit rusty so i wouldn't be able to lead my own routine, which is why i like this one. if it wasn't almost midnight, i would start tonight! i watched it though, and surprisingly found that i was sweating. haha. i'm excited. i think it would be really good for me, and i'm motivated. currently currently i'm a size 15. it would be nice to at least be a size 12 again, but ideally i'd like to be a size 10 – which is what i was aiming for before i got pregnant. ten years ago i got down to a size 8, but i'd be happy with a 10. i have a pair of jeans i've been keeping for just such the occasion! i THINK most of my extra weight is just in my belly area. i might be wrong, but from my angle in the mirror, my face looks unchanged.

i'll try to set realistic goals. therefore, i'm going to try to be a comfortable size 14 by christmas. then maybe size 13 by the end of february?

just nod if you can hear me.

spit

while i'm disappointed that my period has returned so soon after éamon's birth (i was seriously hoping it would be over a year), i'm delighted that i no longer have menstrual cramps. what a wonderful bonus! it's like my body is saying "wow, that was nuts! here's a little peace offering to make up for it". also (so far) i haven't had any PMS either. that said, i'm still finishing off my placenta pills, so maybe that's part of it.

earlier this week, when i was starting to come down with a cold, i was short on kleenexs, so i would grab the closest receiving blanket instead. afterwards, i realized that that must be what it's like to use a handkerchief. so know i'm on this handkerchief kick. i've been looking on etsy, but am not convinced it's the best option. maybe i should just buy some fabric and make my own. after all, i've been wanting to learn how to use my sewing machine.

for the second time in one month, brendan and i have just bought a new fridge. the first one was for andrew and shannon, but this one is for us. the seal tore around the door and now it won't stay shut. when it first happened i called the fridge doctor, but he advised me that considering the make of the fridge, it's not worth repairing. so we started all over at looking for fridges. i'm pleased with the one we got, and it was on sale. i'm hoping that it's slightly bigger than the one we have, but won't really be able to tell til they're side by side or we put food in the new one. it arrives on thursday. i've been wanting to clear out the fridge of expired stuff, so this is a good excuse.

well, i knew that i could not say.

flours in my hair

in the past, i've often felt like i just need a good solid break from my regular life. many times i've wondered just how long of a break would i need before i'd be completely unwound and fresh. i've been on maternity leave for three months now, and i can safely said that i feel completely relaxed. it's really lovely. lovely lovely lovely. i love that. i'm glad that i still have many months to go. and i'm hoping that i'll be able to carry forward some of this freshness.

i've decided to ask my boss if i can cut down to a 36 hour week when i return to work so that i can have wednesday afternoons off. b has wednesday afternoons off and i love having that time with him. sometimes we do errands (like appliance shopping), sometimes we take outings (like trips to westport or the wilton cheese factory), somtimes we do chores and sometimes we just hangout. today we took a long walk downtown and ate at the farm girl food truck in city park. we were going to go to 'seed to sausage' but they're closed on wednesdays in their off season. i really think it would be beneficial for me to have one afternoon off a week. i'm optimistic that she's approve it. especially since 35 hours is a common work week in canada.

all i really want our love to do
is to bring out the best in me and in you.

astronaut boots

shanno, éamon and i went for an adventure at the mall today. we rode the bus and spent the afternoon as mall rats and ate dinner in the food court. my plan was to buy a swimsuit, but ended buying éamon a pair of jeans.

we looked at baby clothes, sat on the floor in sears while i breastfed, tried on shoes and went to target twice. shannon bought socks and one of the employees from new york fries told me about how often he changes his bedsheets. that part was awkward; otherwise, it was a fun day.

now i'm stuck looking for a swimsuit online. shannon recommended that i order two of the same suit in different sizes and return the one that doesn't fit properly. that's what her mom used to do when they lived in the country. i think that's very clever!

i have a swimsuit, but i want to buy a 1-piece. especially since i want to start infant swimming lessons in a few weeks. the disappointing thing, is that a couple weeks ago i found a really beautiful 1-piece suit on the sears website and now it's not available :S pickings are slim. i hate how expensive swimsuits can be.

have you ever heard of a joggertini? apparently that's a thing. i can't even imagine what that's supposed to be!

there's part of me that is drawn to the idea of a tankini – they're aesthetically pleasing. but i like the simplicity of a 1-piece.

ok. i need some opinions. which do you prefer. this 'swimdress' or this 'halter suit'. my housemate has no opinion on the matter and i need some feedback.

on a completely separate note, i just want to say that no one is defaming anybody.

AND i find it disappointing when people copy my creativity on facebook. hmph!

don't dismiss it like it's easy.

uncentered

this wednesday brendan installed our dryer. i love it. i feel like washing every thing just for the fun of it. not only that, i've started éamon in cloth diapers, and i get a real kick out of watching his diapers bleach clean in the sun. ah, it's the little things :)

i've been moving some furniture around the exile, and am pleasantly surprised at how spacious our den feels. it almost echos. i get a great deal of satisfaction out of maximizing space in a small house. it's also a nice reminder of what we can do without. i'm thankful for our basement, even if it's pretty disorderly down there. it's nice having a place to put things.

i'm really enjoying my mat leave. i feel like i'm especially enjoying it since i know it's temporary. that makes me appreciate it more, but it also helps my sense of identity to know that i'm returning to my previous role. shari painted my belly cast for us. it turned out beautiful, and i love seeing it hang on the wall beside éamon's crib. for some reason it makes me feel like a full fledged mama to have my finished belly cast. it feels similar to having my college diploma in the wall.

though there was a time when you and i were friends.

brown vent

it probably wasn't until i was pregnant that i really thought about what it's like to be a next kid. it's definitely a distinct thing, like being part of a family. i like that éamon belongs to a community beyond our family that care about him, enjoy him and watch him grow. nexters, myself included, get the privilege of watching these kids grow up. i like that as a group we can recall things about them, remembering quirks or things they did when they were smaller. i like that they're all different and that they're diversity reflects the diversity of the bigger world. they make us laugh, and often make us wonder.

my dad asked me the other day "did you know him well?" and i said "as much as the other kids at next. they're all like nieces and nephews". i love my actual nieces and nephews in a different way than the next kids, but i enjoy having them as part of my life just as much.

next weekend, we're going to echo lake for this year's next retreat. i'm really looking forward to it. these days it's easy and convenient to spend my evenings at home alone (or with b). and while i am enjoying this as a novelty, i am looking forward to long conversations with a variety of folks, spending time doing dishes together, eating together, sitting around on couches together, playing games together. connecting. i think it will do us all good <3

we are like windows,
stained with colours of the rainbow.

vanilla

last sunday evening, shannon hosted a surprise belly blessing for meghan. as part of the gathering we played madlibs with a story crafted by shannon. it was really funny. in hearing the humourous fictional birth stories over and over, it got me thinking about my birth story with éamon. and afterwards i concluded that i'd live that experience over again in a heartbeat. every part. in spite of the disappointments and twists and turns, it was a really great experience and i wish i could live it again as simply as re-watching a favourite movie. and just like with watching a movie for the second time, i'd know the outcome, so i'd be more relaxed and i'd be able to enjoy every small detail with deep appreciation. looking back on an experience and wishing "again, again!" is always the mark of cherished life event.

yesterday, b, éamon and i went to toronto for a jays game. i haven't been to a baseball game since i lived in TO, but i came up with the idea to go to a game since i figured it would be a good activity to do with a baby. it was really fun. we took the GO train and arrived earlier than expected (i'd anticipated multiple stops, but we didn't need any). we had really nice and close seats. AND we had 50 bux burning a hole in my pocket. we're participating in this queen's study on first time parents, and we decided to use that money for our trip to the ballpark. everything went really well. éamon was a little fussy when we first arrived. a lady sitting close to us asked if it was too loud for him, but i told her he was just grumpy, and he soon fell asleep. we actually thought the noise level was good since it drowned out his cries and didn't disturb the people around us. that said, he only fussed for 5ish minutes, then slept through the rest of the game. there were these two girls behind us who where there with their boyfriends. they just yapped through the whole thing and were super annoying, but seemed to talk less as time went on. b thinks they were picking up on the fact that everyone around them were trying to watch the game. i haven't watched a lot of baseball since the early 90s, so i was surprised to discover that all the honoured players who's names were on display were people i knew.

i bought a hot dog from a vendor after the game. he was yelling something to attract customers. it sounded like he was saying "i love the ladies" over and over.

this is how we do it.

pierce

i'm pretty sure someone is living in their car out front of our house. it has american plates, a makeshift bed in the back, and a pair of jeans draped over the roof of the car. i wonder if there's something i should do. drop of a box of crackers or something. it seems like a temporary living situation.

when my parents sat us down to tell us that my dad was thinking about leaving, i didn't really know what i felt. it was confusing and upsetting. i remember that my stomach ached. i remember running after him and hugging him around his waist and telling him that i still loved him. i don't remember if i cried. i didn't cry two months later when he did eventually leave – very abruptly. i didn't talk about it with anyone. i withdrew. i'm an introvert who deals with her feelings surprisingly stoically. i say surprisingly because i'm someone who expresses feelings of joy very openly. no doubt, i would've eventually talked out my feelings if there had been a safe person who knew how to draw me out. but instead, it took over ten years before i took time to process my feelings and cry. thinking back, that only happened because someone gently asked the right questions and made me feel safe enough to let down my guard.

this probably goes without saying, but i'm someone who writes. i write so i can process. i can say things in writing that i can never articulate out loud. i don't know if i'm emotionally stunted or if it's just my nature, but i don't respond to sorrow the way other people do. i don't cry when things are sad. i don't want to be with others and share the sadness. i withdraw because, for me, pain (any kind of pain) is private and requires space.

i'm struggling right now because my response is so different than everyone else's. i know that my feelings are just as deep and complex as everyone else's, but i process and cope much differently. i guess i'm just not sure if i'm normal (healthy, well adjusted) or if there's something wrong with me.

when i cannot sing my heart,
i can only speak my mind.

sudden

sometimes when awful things happen in life, i distract myself. like right now.

b and i watched a documentary on netflix last night called "the other f word" about punks and fatherhood. it was interesting. i have to admit, there's a much larger punk underground than i was aware of. it mostly featured guys from punk bands who now have wives and families. i was surprised that most of the wives just seem like regular soccer moms. anyways, it seems that all those dudes are committed fathers. it also seems like they all had really rotten fathers themselves, but were determined to be the kind of dads they didn't get to have. it was hope-inspiring. it was also disturbing that there wasn't a single one of them that had a healthy relationship with their dad. i would ask "what does this tell us?", but i already know.

it's hard to be distracted for long. i just feel sick to my stomach. i'm eager for brendan to get home. i just want him near, even if we're silent.

everything's gonna be alright
rockabye, rockabye, rockabye.

familiar

there's nothing like a pair of jeans to prompt someone into being mindful of what they eat.

now that the chillier weather is upon us, it occurred to me that the only pair of pants i fit into are yoga pants. so éamon and i took the bus to the riocan yesterday to go jean shopping. it seems to me that baby weight hits the middle and the face, while the rest of me feels pretty normal. now that i'm wearing these unrelenting pants (i made sure to get some that were slightly snug, knowing that they would loosen with use), i consider myself on the road to weightloss. not that i'm in a major hurry, but i feel that i've reached my statues of limitations for eating random things. it's just tricky being allergic to the most convenient of fruits :S oh well, i'll find a way around that as usual.

the bus was fun. for a few moments i thought i'd like to be a city bus driver. but then i changed my mind and decided i'd like to get paid to ride around on the bus all day people watching.

brendan has wednesday afternoons off, and i've been enjoying his company all summer. i'm glad that we'll continue to have those afternoons off together even though it's september. this afternoon we bought andrew and shannon a new refrigerator :D it felt funny walking into a store and telling the staff "we'd like to buy a fridge" because i've never done that before. it also felt funny that they staff treated us like adults with the means to buy a fridge. we also bought a dryer, which we'll pick up next wednesday (it had to be ordered in because it's a compact drier).

hard times ain't gonna rule my mind.

soap

brendan and i love going camping. it's the perfect get away from regular life. as we anticipated having a baby, we kind of wrote off doing regular summer activities (except for wolfe island music festival). but once éamon arrived and we'd started getting into the swing of things with him, we'd started giving camping some consideration and decided on a one night camping experiment. the logic was that he's small, non-mobile and is nursing, so in some senses that makes camping easy.

so we went to our favourite site at bon echo. everything went really well. éamon slept as we got set up, just hung out while we ate dinner, and slept perfectly at night. i was worried that he'd cry and wake people up, but he didn't make a peep until 7 am. i nursed him three times in the night and he slept right through them. i'm pretty proud of him :)

one surprising thing about becoming a parent is that i've become more easy going about things that would've previously made me mad. as evening was upon us, brendan went to find the flashlights and quickly discovered they'd been left behind. he'd intended to pack them – he had them at one point, but they didn't make it into the car. since there was nothing we could do about it, i didn't get mad at him, it wouldn't have changed anything. instead i just told him "don't worry about it. these things happen. we'll manage somehow". and we did. we used the screen from our camera as a light source. i'm thankful everything worked out and it didn't becoming a big thing.

my only "regret" about our camping trip was that it was so short. i wish we'd gone for longer, BUT there was no telling how éamon would be. and really, there's no guarantee that he would've been as easy going for a second night. i'm glad we quit while we were ahead.

no time left to start again.

deflect

whenever i see someone, specifically a woman, with dreadlocks i have this sense of camaraderie. inwardly i tell them "i had dreadlocks too!!", but say nothing out loud. instead i just seem like some regular person starring at someone cooler than myself :S

7:30

i'm beginning to think our kitchen needs a little something. it lacks a certain pizazz. recently, a picture of our old kitchen came up on my screen saver. i loved that kitchen. it was old, but it had a certain quality that made it feel homey and have character. i'm trying to come up with some ideas to integrate those qualities into the kitchen at the exile. i'm toying with putting my postcards up again, but there's something about that that feels too maxipad and i think i need to come up with something different. hmmmm.

tomorrow we're going camping at bon echo. just for an overnight. i'm excited. we haven't been camping since 2011. i'm looking forward to being outdoors and sitting around the campfire. thankfully the weather is looking good and fairly warm too – a low of 18ºC.

there we were all in one place.

belize

recently, rachel had the privilege of shadowing mianh for a week in the life of a midwife. shanno and i were excited to hear about her experience so we planned to get together the three of us last night. shanno invited us over to her place. i'd planned to take éamon along with me, but it dawned on me that he'd just end up sitting in his chair upstairs and he could just as easily sit in his chair downstairs with b. i decided to just leave him at home, because b could call me if éam got hungry. i really enjoyed my time with the girls with undivided attention, and when i got home (back downstairs), he was as good as could be. b said he was fine all evening and was all swaddled tight, in a deep sleep ready for bed. i was really proud of him, and i'm looking forward to more evenings out on main street and beyond.

i've been reflecting on how it feels to discuss birth now that i've had a baby – especially since his birth didn't go the way i'd pictured. i'm still very excited about birth. it's a beautiful, amazing and mind-blowing event. the one thing that's changed is i feel more open-minded that i used to be. i think my beliefs about birth were much more narrow before. i knew that birth was unpredictable and couldn't be planned, but i had a subconscious belief that i was insusceptible to complications. so i feel humbled. to be fair, i had no reason to believe i would be high risk, but i was probably naive too.

i've also been thinking about the phrases "hospitable birth" and "home birth", and i want to re-frame them as "birth in a hospital" and "birth at home". if i'm honest with myself, i know that before my birth the term "hospital birth" was always a dirty word. for home birth advocates (i include myself in this), a "hospital birth" is the worse case scenario. since i've given birth in a hospital, i know it's not nearly as bad as i imaged, and the hospital staff were not my enemies. birth is birth wherever it takes place. it can be good or bad wherever it takes place. and i'm going to be intentional to not use labels, especially labels that can diminish or undermine. i would challenge anyone who might trivialize my experience or imply that it was sub-par because it took place in a hospital. not that anyone has, but i believe that pre-baby lesley probably would have without meaning to. so out of courtesy and out of respect for birth, i want to take this new, more inclusive approach.

moss grows fat on a rollin' stone,
but that's not how it used to be.

up/out

yesterday i was creeping a facebook friend's profile. he's a guy i grew up with, the younger brother if a elementary school friend – we used to play together the three of us. i was telling brendan about him, that he's funny and an opera singer and gay. i called b over to look at this funny cover photo he had of him sitting with an old lady on a couch as he helped her with her computer (it was funnier than it sounds). and b said "aw, look at you, all smitten over a gay guy. who would've thunk? you think you know someone..." :p i really do have a weakness for gay men.

helter skelter in a summer swelter.

snore

today is my niece's second birthday. i spent the day crocheting a blanket for her new doll, wilhelm. it turned out pretty good. i liked that as soon as she opened the present she wrapped him in it :)

one thing i was unsure about, since i've never been in this position before is whether or not to include éamon's name on the card. because it wasn't from him, he's not big enough to understand gifts or cards or signatures or birthdays or even who audrey is yet. so it feels weird. the gift was from me and b. we spent time brainstorming and gifts shopping and crocheting. in my family, my nieces and nephews buy us christmas gifts that they pick out – those gifts really are from THEM. i think i'll wait until éamon is bigger and actually knows people before gift-giving with him. i'm too practical for cute things like that.

yesterday we had our prenatal class reunion. it was fun. i was kind of dreading it because these aren't people we really got to know in a personal way, but it turned out to be a fun time and we did end up chatting outside the baby circle into people's jobs and where they're from originally. surprisingly, at least half the women's births began with their water breaking, and all of them eventually had to be induced. one girl dilated to 9 cm on her own, then digressed to 6 cm, at which time they chose to induce her. i've never heard of that before! anyways, it sounds like the group wants to keep in touch and we're talking about having another reunion in october.

earlier this week i was thinking about chopping my hair to my shoulders, BUT i think i've come up with an alternative solution. i'm just going to put my hair in two braids each day instead. it keeps it back out of my face, it doesn't get in the way when bending over, the baby doesn't grab at it, and if he does, it doesn't hurt. awesome! b said an added bonus is that i look more like the girl from little house on the prairie :S

did you write the book of love?

percolating

when looking ahead to this summer, knowing i wouldn't have to go to work or wear work clothes, i planned to go the whole summer barefoot. it's now almost labour day and i can't remember when i wore socks last, and almost exclusively wear flip-flops.

as a result, my feet have gotten very rough. i like this, it feels like a great accomplishment and will only serve to aid me in my attempt to be barefoot.

i remember being a kid and seeing my mom's rough feet. my were still all soft and pink, and i decided at the time that i never wanted my feet to be rough like that. i'm usually someone who likes to indulge my childhood desires because i want my younger self to be proud of my current self. but in this case, i think i under-estimated the benefits. a number of years ago i got a pedicure before going to mexico, and i couldn't walk anywhere barefoot because even the slightest uneven surfaces hurt my feet. i decided i'd never get a pedicure ever again.

all this to say, i consider my summer a success.

one more moondance with you in the moonlight.

spurt

today i did something i never thought i'd do.
well, to be honest, it didn't occur to me that this kind of action becomes necessary.

while walking home from an outing to downtown, i had to stop on a grassy spot just off the sidewalk on a busy kingston street to breastfeed my baby. i found it both funny and awkward. i'm sure i'll never look at that spot beside the laundromat the same ever again.

looking to the fall i'm starting to wonder if i'm going to end up being over-scheduled – which is my least favourite thing. since i have a lot of spare time, when activities come up i think "oh, i can do that" (swimming lessons, roots of empathy, volunteering at the food bank, weekly visits, etc, etc). so far i'm loving having the freedom to walk down to tara foods on a week day. i hope i preserve enough time in my week for spontaneity that when my year is over that i can look back and really feel like it was a year of freedom.

today i had lunch at the golden rooster. i just sat eating my sandwich with éamon strapped on my front surrounded by old folks. who knew so many seniors had late lunches!

someone's gonna paint you another sky.

knee-jerk

it probably goes without saying that i'm not a fan of unsolicited advise, because who really is? i like to tread carefully to not be pushy with others in general. but every once and a while, i discover something that is so great that i want for everyone to know about it, so they have the opportunity to consider/try it themselves – like diva cups and other things (that have currently slipped my mind).

my latest awesome discovery is placenta encapsulation.

what? you ask?

placenta encapsulation.

i suppose this only really relates to pregnant women, but i want to make sure i spread the word as much as possible. so by telling you folks about it, you might pass this message on to someone else to consider.

if this is the first time you've heard about it, you're probably a little grossed out. "WHAT!?!?!?" you're thinking "eat your PLACENTA??" not quite. encapsulate it, like a vitamin.

i've heard about people eating their placentas for years; provocative people bbq-ing it and enjoying the reaction it gets from others. the reality is, that placentas really do provide custom nutrients and benefits, but not all of us like to be shocking and outrageous. i consider myself the latter, so didn't think a lot about it. but while i was pregnant i started hearing more about placenta encapsulation, especially from people i consider "normal" (not "hippies", not extremists – just regular, ordinary citizens). and i started to think "if that person did it, maybe it's more legitimate than i thought" and started looking into it. this is what i discovered:

it is believed that consuming the placenta can:
• help to balance your hormones / reduces postpartum depression
• replenish depleted iron levels
• assist the uterus to return to its pre-pregnancy state
• reduce post-natal bleeding
• increase milk production
• make for a happier, more enjoyable post-natal period
• increase your energy levels

• reduces post-natal hair loss

being a person who has struggled with very difficult bouts of PMS, i've always considered myself someone at risk of major postpartum depression. brendan, being the partner of someone who has episodes of extreme PMS, was also keenly aware of how bad things could get. so when we learned that this was an option that could reduce postpartum depression, we quickly decided it was worth a shot. we had nothing to lose and a lot to gain. transitioning into parenting can be difficult enough without throwing in a hormonal hurricane into the mix.

so i started looking for someone local who provides the service and contacted someone in belleville. oddly enough between the time i first contacted her and the time i followed up with my due date and other info, the woman had had a major change in circumstances (moving) and was no longer able to provide the service. this was disappointing since i was pretty confident that we wanted to exercise this option. she offered to teach me, but i knew that i would not have the time or ability to encapsulate my own placenta after giving birth. after watching a few videos online, i asked shannon as one of my two doulas if she'd be willing to give it a try. b and i weren't sure if she'd want to do it since she's a vegetarian and doesn't like touching meat, but we rationalized that nothing died to produce this bit of flesh, so perhaps she might be willing. she took some time to consider it and do some research of her own, chatted with rach, then announced that she'd do it! in fact, they'd team up.

on the first day of my labour, shannon arrived at the hospital with cooler in hand to take home the precious specimen. she asked my nurse if there was any kind of protocol for taking it, and was told that we'd have to sign something (but in the end we didn't, they just gave it to her).

while i was recovering at KGH, shanno and rach were at work lovingly cleaning, cooking, dehydrating, grinding and encapsulating my placenta, and arrived back at the hospital with over 150 little vitamins made specially for me. the process involved boiling it with lemon and ginger, and as a result the little pills smelled amazing!

for the first two weeks i had two 3 times a day, and since then i've been taking two once a day. my first five weeks of being a parent has been amazing and positive. i avoided ANY emotional or hormonal crying fits (or any fits at all). i've had energy. my body has healed fast. my baby has been breast-feeding like a champ. i've been very happy, fully enjoying this new chapter of my life. and while i'm sure prayer has been a big factor in this, i also believe my placenta pills have been a major answer to prayer. the day i switched from six a day to two a day, i noticed a significant difference and it was definitely my most challenging day as a mother – more taxing.

and so... if you are a woman who may have a baby in the future...
or you know someone who may have a baby...

please tell them "i know this girl who encapsulated her placenta and just swears by it".

it's really not gross. it's from my own body. just like my baby is. sure, i'm not eating him, but i kiss him and think he's great. my placenta is great too, in a different way. the fact that we find it gross at first is just cultural. we're not used to it. it's no more weird than eating beef or pork.

i really could not speak more highly of this option. and while i think it's legitimate for people to opt out, i really think it's important for everyone to know about it so they don't miss out if they would've benefited from it. so please help me spread the word! :D

give thanks and praise to the lord and i will feel all right.

mosquito bites

you know what's weird?

breast pads.

not that they exist, but that i had no idea that they existed. i'd heard of them, but now that i use them, i'm shocked to discover that there's a whole industry of breast pads out there with different brands and styles. they're similar to menstrual pads in variety and target audience. i'm just amused and surprised that something of this sort existed and i was oblivious.

i'm not a very skilled out-loud reader. it makes me uncomfortable and i tend to throw in extra words because it seems i find it easier just guessing at what i'm reading rather than simply reading it. a few days ago, a lady at the health unit was encouraging us to read to éamon. she gave us a book or two. they're very short and i find them a little pointless. so i've started just reading my own book to him out-loud. the added bonus to this is that i pay attention better to the plot and it takes my mind off other things. i'm hoping that with practice, i'll improve. i find it quite poor that i've reached adulthood without mastering this skill. but i suppose people avoid the things they're not good at.

this afternoon i was quite upset with brendan's employees. he keeps having to cover their shifts at work because for one reason or another they don't show up. i spent a portion of the afternoon crafting a speech to them – imagining what i'd say if they were my employees. i was especially mad because there were things i needed to do around the house and needed b's help with because i'm not able to tend to a baby at the same time. eventually i started reading my book instead, it helped pre-occupy me. sometimes i think people don't know the difference between "can't" and "choosing not to".

just like children sleepin'
we could dream this night away.

midsummer

there was a security breech on my debit card and i had to change my pin number. i've had the same pin since i was 11 or 12 years old. i get attached to things like that. or maybe it's just hard for me to break a habit, worrying that i'll revert back to my old number.

things around the exile are good. while we don't have a routine, we have a pretty consistent rhythm. the days come and go within that natural rhythm, and i find that this new pace of life suits me just fine. the only challenge i have right now is switching the clothes in my drawers and closet back to my regular clothes. i just don't seem to have time for that, and so the boxes of clothes keep piling up.

since everything else is going so well, i feel oddly scrutinized. occasionally i'll come across someone who asks probing questions as though trying to find our achilles heel. everything is going well, we have our rough spots, but they are few and far between. even so, i kind of feel that i have to hide our rough spots so that inquiring people won't grab on to them like a dog with a bone and make a much bigger deal about them. it makes me feel defensive or protective. maybe it's because its all about perspective, and i don't want someone else getting in my head and messing with my perspective.

i'm ridding all your stories.

come by

the last few days have been filled with two main special activities.

1) the sheep dog trials

i don't know much about sheep dogging, and what i know is from the movie babe. but whenever i hear of the sheep dog trials in kingston, i always want to go, but unfortunately it always falls on the same day as the wolfe island music festival. but this year i discovered that they have events on the friday as well, so i wanted to take advantage of my unemployed state and go! i wasn't sure how éam and i was going to get there since i still can't drive and he needs to go in his carseat (with is firmly fixed in our car), but thankfully brendan got the afternoon off from work so we were all free to go. it was really fun. i would have to say that sheep dog trials are a new favourite sport of mine – partly because it seems more like an art form than a sport.

2) wolfe island music festival

even though three of the performers we were most keen to see were scheduled to play on the friday night (simultaneously at different venues), we still wanted to go. we wanted to take our tiny sidekick to the festival this year. i'd seen it done before and knew we could do it. the weather was perfect and we had a nice time with beckie, matt and ben (who was the MC). éamon did remarkably well, we were really proud of him. he was the youngest person there, but was in good company with lots of babies, toddlers and kids. in fact, this year seemed to have the greatest mix of diversity with lots of older people and not just students. while the music was alright, there was no clear stand-out that blew us away.

i'm pretty sure my family is using the word 'epic' out of context.

singing ha, ah la la la de day.

reunion

it's become apparent that i need to learn some assertiveness fast. it's not that i'm not assertive at all, but i'm really mostly just assertive with strangers. with friends, family and acquaintances, it's hard for me to express my desires and preferences because i want to be considerate of their preferences too. the problem is, that when it comes to my éamon, i can't let myself cave so easily. i find it pretty stressful when he starts crying while someone else is holding him. i don't mind if it lasts for a couple minutes, but when it last longer than five minutes and he's clearly not settling, it's hard for me to sit there watching and not step in. i find with other mothers especially, they're not alarmed by him fussing and enjoy him anyways. but i'd rather they just pass him back to me or brendan to soothe. basically, i need to find a polite way of asking for my baby back. when i let other people make decisions for him, i feel overlooked as his mom and then i get upset and start to shut down socially. what it comes down to is whether or not i feel empowered in my role as mama bear. i can't let other people make me feel insignificant because this is a special time in my life as i establish myself in this new identity.

life is full of unexpected learning curves.

to lead a better life I need my love to be here.