refrigerator

mark my words people... i will be to blame for my own misery. sometimes it's like i'm fighting against myself, i seem (without my own consent) to take my own life and shake it for all it's worth, and then expect it to function properly. WHY, WHY, WHY, do i do this to myself?!?!? HAHAHAHA, i'm so ridiculous that it's laughable. well at least i can laugh. i read in an article last week that said a self-deprecating sense of humour is a sign of a self-aware person. if i'm alone for the rest of my life, it'll be because i can't tell when someone is hitting on me. do you think that's a learning disability? could i be compensated for that by the government or something? it's just ironic, seeing as i've been boo-hooing over being single, then a nice quality guy comes along and i blow him off because i'm too dense to realize what is actually happening. haha, like come on?!?!

you know... i've really been enjoying my kitties lately. i've always liked them, i'm fond of them, but i think i'm growing attached to them. which is nice.

hey, have you ever been so speechless that you are also thoughtless? thoughtless in the sense that you simply are incapable of forming any thoughts? that happened to me yesterday. my mind was completely blown.

i got more faults than the state of california,
and my heart is a badly built bridge.
seems the most i have to offer
doesn't offer much,
make it something somebody can use.

candid

we tell secrets.

looking towards the future,
we were begging for the past.
well we knew we had the good things,
but those never seemed to last.
oh please just last.

calamine lotion

my balcony garden has gone to bed for the season. i've packed everything up, torn out my lovely plants, piled high the bricks, and taken the pots inside. my once homey and beautiful balcony is now desolate and barren. but that's ok, everything is stored and safe in anticipation for the coming winter, and next spring i'll pull them all out and arrange them once again. the best thing about winter is starting over afterwards.

i'm going increasingly suspicious that i may be invisible.

today is remembrance day. my grandpa mcknight fought in world war one (he was born in 1897), and my other grandpa (who i think of as just my grandpa without having to classify him as "grandpa mckinnion") was a firefighter in world war two. for years i wondered why that was, why didn't he fight? they lived in england, so i didn't really get the chance to ask. after his funeral, my grandma and i sat around looking at old photos, and there were pictures of him in the "fire brigade", meanwhile there were photos of his twin brother in the airforce. i asked my grandma why he was a fireman and not a solider. she told me he was a conscientious objector. i think that's awesome, and i'm so proud of him for taking a stand for something he believed in. my grandpa lived until a week after his 90th birthday (he died on christmas eve 2001), meanwhile his identical-twin brother died of cancer in his 60s. i can't help but wonder if it was somehow related to the war. they're genetic make-up was identical, and yet one developed cancer and the other didn't. was uncle johnny exposed to radiation or something when he was fighting that my grandpa wasn't? during ww1, my grandpa mcknight at one point was stationed in england. he'd come down sick with something, so he couldn't join his platoon when they went over to france. they all died, if he'd gone with them he would have died too. i'm completed amazed by the fact that because he was sick, there have been 4 generations of mcknights. about 40 people have that to thank. wow, life is random and so detailed, filled with domino effects we can't fathom.

i have read the right books to interpret your looks.

sq. ft.

oh my goodness, it's -9º outside (with the windchill), no wonder i was frickin cold when sarah and i drove home tonight.

sometimes i think it's too bad we only get one shot at life. earlier this evening i was at aphra's birthday party, and she has two pet birds. they were quite fascinating, and it made me think having a pet bird would be really neat. they are more interesting and more low-maintenance than fish. but i really like my cats, and i can't see myself opting for a bird over a cat down the road when on the market for new pets. myron said i could have both. perhaps he's right, but i don't think i have room for a birdcage right now. but i'm serious, i wish we had more than one go at life, because there's a lot of things and experiences i'd like to have had – places lived, professions studied, summer jobs, relationships with grandparents/other family members – but really, we can't always have it all ways. i know there are other desires that will come with time, we can't have everything at once, and it's ok to leave those other things (like dreadlocks) to down the road when it's more appropriate.

i sent you something in the mail. it'll be there in 5 to 7 business days.

i woke up this morning feeling like a load of bricks. and i realized, i'm simply a bad-waker-upper. it doesn't matter how many hours i sleep, or at what time i went to bed (mind you it was after 2 a.m.) i still feel exhausted when i wake up. i really liked staying in all day today and not rushing, but it's also kind of annoying that on my ONE free day of the week i just spend it at home instead of downtown. and it's worse now, because daylight is so limited, and i didn't have time to pluck my plants in preparation for winter, i guess that'll have to wait til next weekend, unless i find some time tomorrow.

i hope you're well.

i want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real".

triumph

i like to stagger my disappointments. you know, so they don't all hit me all at once. as a result, i'm feeling optimistic about my plan. my pms is done now so i expect my optimism to last a little while. instead i just have wicked cramps. seriously, at work today i was in so much pain that i felt like i was dying. i'm extremely over-dramatic, but i think it suits me.

someone at work made a comment that i can sometimes be abrupt. this surprised me because i really do put an effort into curbing my annoyance when someone interrupts me when i'm in the middle of doing something. isn't it interesting how the way we perceive ourselves is different to how others perceive us. however, now that this has been brought to my attention i'll make more of an effort. i'm also trying to improve my posture. i've never had great posture, but i improved it twofold near the end of college. but it's still not great. i'm finding my back is hurting when i slouch, so i need to stand up straighter. this is different to when i "slouch" on a couch. couch-slouching. that has got to stay. it's too signature lesley to part with.

i ease us back into traffic.

fold

i'm getting unbelievably tired of taking care of myself. and i'm starting to rebel. as a result i'm slipping into old slobby habits which just make me feel miserable. i'm disgusted by my house, but i don't have the desire to do anything about it. i'm incredibility annoyed at myself for striping my bed this morning before dropping off my laundry at the laundromat, because now i have to put some sheets on my bed and it's delaying me from getting inside it. i think i'm actually procrastinating by writing this entry.

on a less grumpy tone, i came up with the clever plan of keeping an emergency 5 dollars in my desk. i've hidden it inside my second drawer for the odd occasion that i forget my lunch. it's in an envelope labeled "emergency fund". i'm hoping by hiding it i'll forget it's there and won't be tempted to dip into when i have a chocolate emergency or something. i have a drawer full of cookies and crackers, so that should be enough to feed any chocolate impulses. but ya, the emergency fund will prevent future frustration, i'm rather pleased with myself, it's a clever plan.

believe it or not, i really did have a good day. maybe i have an odd way of showing it. or my balloon just gets popped easily. or i'm still pmsing so my moods swing like an axe.

please excuse me, my single bed is waiting to be made. yup, my single bed. my single bed. all i have to say is that it really sux ass.

new words for old desires.

rolodex

i just got home from the weakerthans concert. it was really fun. a big group of us went. ok well if you consider 6 people a big group then it was big. unintentionally, it turned out to be a small cross-section of storytellers anonymous people. al gave me a baggy full of buttons he made. they're really cool, i think he's completely blown my concept of button design out of the water. i'm totally set for cool buttons for the next eon.

i took a nap after from work, i didn't want to get tired at the concert or feel tired tomorrow from being sleep deprived. so i got into bed right when i arrived home at 5, i layed there in the dark for at least a half an hour before i fell asleep. i slept til 8. it wasn't a deep sleep, but it was restful. i think i may have even reached REM sleep.

i like to buy cds at concerts. i rarely buy cds, so i try to make it a policy to purchase them at concerts. because if i like the band enough to see them in concert then it's a safe bet i'll like their new cd, AND it makes the fact that i already downloaded a lot of their music obsolete, AND at 15 bux its a total bargain. when i pulled my new cd out of my vest pocket, i found that on the back they had a little cartoon of the b12, which was one the first snowmobile ever made. and of course, is a bombardier. check that out, isn't it hilarious!

after some serious reflection, i came to an important decision today. i am first and foremost a graphic designer, and secondly a bombardier employee. i'm afraid they're going to try and push me up the corporate ladder in directions i don't want to go. i think i need to make it clear that i'll leave bombardier before i leave design, because all these career goals they're trying to set for me are not what i have in mind. i think knickers is trying to "mentor" me in the only way she knows how, but if i start to clearly direct my own path i think she'd be happy with that. it'll pay to assert myself.

yup, i think my nap did the trick. i'm completely wired. but i suppose if i get into bed like i did at 5:00 earlier today, i'll eventually fall asleep. being in bed is restful even if i'm awake.

i'm unconsoled,
i'm lonely,
i am so much better than i used to be.

squeeze

what is time? it's this crazy bizarre unactual thing, that you couldn't actually produce to save your life. and yet you can see the effects of time. yesterday we all moved our clocks back one hour because the powers that be told us to. so now all of a sudden what was 10:53 last week is 9:53. how real can something be if it can altered if we all agree. how can this be? we wouldn't change the name of a colour (all of a sudden black is blue) just because we all agreed to. this only further confirms my belief that time is not real. it's a man-made structure. this seems to be two streams of thought when it comes to time: 1) time is to be obeyed. 2) time is a guideline, but not the bottom-line. obviously i'm of the second stream, but i'm forced to live by stream one, as most people are. at work i have two mentors, they have opposing opinions of time, and ultimately i have to conform to the one of my boss (which is time is to be obeyed). but honestly, i get so frustrated when people get so consumed by conforming to time that they don't stop to care about people. because ultimately, people and having relationships with them is the important thing. extremely punctual people unnerve me. i think it's good to be on-time, but it fails to be effective when relationships and people suffer as a result. being late is also not good, not because the deadline of time is so imperative. but because of the relationships depending on us. the other day i was a half-hour late for helping melissa rake her yard. she is a very gracious person so she told me it was ok, and it worked out alright because rhonda was there helping her. but if she'd been depending on me, that could have really hurt her, or had some repercussions. so i guess what i'm saying is, people are what matters, not the north-american application of time.

i was so disoriented this morning when i woke up. it turns out that i accidentally set my microwave to the time on my alarm clock (which is about 10 minutes fast – give or take a few minutes i'm not very exact about these things). so when i got up, i was all freaked out because i was late, and i couldn't figure out how that happened. then to make matters worse, i haven't bothered changing my other clocks, so i had to just disregard those ones completely. those clocks have hands (as opposed to digital) so they're not very accurate. the clock in my car is busted and i don't wear a watch. the clocks i passed on the way to work may or may not have been changed already, so i basically arrived to work without actually knowing what time it was. in all the confusion i managed to forget my lunch vehicle with the spaghetti lunch in it that i cooked this morning. SO, i'd wasted the time cooking in the morning, AND it was spoiled because i left it on the kitchen table all day.

when i reached into my backseat to retrieve my lunch vehicle, and discovered it was gone, i had a wave of despair. but then i told myself that i was not going to let that incident snowball into a crappy day. that seemed to do the trick. and when i went out on my (30-minute) lunch break to the closest almost-town to get some food, i quite enjoyed myself.

sometimes i feel like the whole world is on the other side of a dirty windshield.
and i'm tryin to see through the glare,
yes i'm struggling just to see what's there.

misfit

i sat on a stump in rhonda's backyard this afternoon while she was raking, and cried as i rambled on to her. she listened compassionately and would occasionally interject with "i don't know what to tell you". i assured her that was ok, there's really nothing anyone can say. there are no words of comfort. i'd run out of church a couple minutes before it finished, i was upset, and before i reached my car, the tears were sneaking out of my eyes. i drove straight to rhonda's, i intended to just pick up my knitting bag that i'd forgotten there yesterday, then go home to isolate myself for the rest of the day. but she was there when i arrived, and that was probably just what i needed.

things have changed a lot in the last 3.5 years. i've come a long way. i'm glad for my transformation. i'm glad things didn't happen the way i'd wanted them to, but i think i'm better off. my reasons have changed. and so have my motives. i feel good. i feel healthy and yet somehow i feel more powerless than ever. i ran the race, i rose to the challenge, i climbed to the summit, and i'm left feeling "now what?" i don't know where to go from here. the boat set sail without me, i'm sad even though i didn't have a ticket.

i finished my sox. i've started on another pair. i'm using thick needles and thicker yarn this time. i'm thinking/hoping i'll be able to crank these two out. i really enjoy wearing my knitted sox. mind you, these won't be as awesome because they're just plain lime green as opposed to my striped sox.

this is the off week for living room, so i'm just chilling out at home this evening. i'd intended to tidy, do some stuff around the house, have some fun at home. but sometimes things change unexpectedly.

still it's sunday morning,
i miss you the most.

gold

someone actually had to audacity today to say they'd like to see me settle and happy. at first that sounds nice, until realizing the implication that i am unsettled and unhappy. which is actually far from the truth. it got me so angry i could scream, how dare that person belittle me in that way. no wonder i'm so defensive, i'm always having to prove that i'm content, it's not assumed. as i drove home, i steamed over this. i instinctively felt i should just push those feelings away, that it was wrong of me to feel indignant about it. but then i thought "no, that was rude and hurtful of that person. i am legitimately angry over this, and i'll ride it out until i'm over being upset about it". too often i feel unentitled of being angry, but that's wrong. sometimes people do or say inappropriate things, and being angry or upset about it is legitimate. i did confront the person about it, so it's not like i'm just stewing in resentment. and i think that was the right thing to do. you can't expect someone to abide by boundaries if you don't indicate where the lines are.

just for the record, i am a very settled and very happy person. i am complete in my being. not like YOU didn't know that, you're clever enough to put two-and-two together, but just thought i'd say it explicitly to be safe. and because i'll have to keep reassuring myself of this to repair the damage done by someone not thinking.

sometimes i learn things that i wish i hadn't.

i hear everybody that you know is more relevant than everybody that i know.

jubjubes

guess what? last friday, i was at rachel's until something like 1 am, which meant i was too tired to post, which meant... i overlooked pspd's 2 year anniversary! crazy. i think my second year of blogging flew by faster than my first. i'm not certain i did as much in my second year than i did in my first.

i spent a small fortune at the mall today. it's really not what it sounds, but i was AT the mall, and "more than i'd like to have spent" changed hands.

today is my sister's 31st birthday. my sister joy, in case you were wondering. it seems crazy to me to think she's 31. because i have friends that age, i have friends OLDER than her, and yet she still seems older to me. i think it's partly because she's my big sister, but also because she's rather conservative. i got thinking about her today (seeing as it's her birthday), and i'm very grateful for her and all she's done for me. when my parents split, she took over as my surrogate parent. she was just a kid herself. i think that involved a lot of sacrifice on her part, and it probably contributed to her being abnormally mature for her age. i'm sorry for a lot of the troubles in our relationship, we've had our share. i think in many ways i rebelled more against her than my actual parents. for years i resented her, and in truth, that probably stemmed from jealousy. joy is very unusual – her adult-life has gone very smoothly, and COMPLETELY according to plan (except for when it took her a whole FOUR months to get pregnant this last time). my adult life has not gone according to plan in the slightest. i don't know why, i think i resent the reality of that as well. i've compared myself too her too much, always trying to align my life milestones with hers. it was hard for me to get a job in my field, i struggled excruciatingly for several years. while she was offered a job before her graduation. BUT when i did eventually get my job at bbd, i was 23, and as it turned out, she was also 23 when she started teaching. so really, i wasn't behind her at all. when joelle was born, i lamented that joy would probably have her second baby by the time i had my first. but four years later i'm realizing that she'll be long finished having babies by the time i have any. joelle will probably be old enough to babysit them. it just always feels like she's 5 steps ahead of me, and i'm lagging behind calling out "wait up!". i think that's the nature of being the youngest, you feel like you have to follow the path already beaten out. since that one went so smoothly, you question if this harder more challenging one is worth trying out. i think it is, i just hope i'm right.

today i sprayed my elliptical with pam kitchen spray in hopes of making it not squeak. i didn't really work, i need some wd-40. but it did lube it up a bit, so all was not lost.

i've got a halloweenhead –
head full of tricks and treats.

wallet

if the term "chick flick" applied to things other than movies, such as events, evenings, etc. than i would have to say, that i had a chick flick of an evening. i used my elliptical, i had a comfy dinner, i lied around in my pjs reading my book and eating popcorn.

ain't it grand to be a woman? sometimes i see my reflection in the mirror or in a window and am surprised at what an adult i am. i don't feel like one, but evidently a woman in my late 20s. it feels awfully strange. i'm also regularly surprised by how feminine and girly i am. it seems odd that i would grow into a woman unbeknown to me.

oh i don't know, i don't know, oh, where to begin.

dodgy

i just saw the darjeeling limited at the screening room with miss melinda richka. like most of my generation, i am a big fan of wes anderson films, but there hasn't been one that's really floated my boat since the royal tenenbaum. i think the last i saw was the life aquatic, and i didn't particularly enjoy it, although i think that was do to circumstances. ben died that day. this film i really liked, and i'd have to say that adrien brody stole the show for me. i love how wes anderson uses all the same actors, it's really funny.

i'm beginning to wonder if i can bear winter. i realize that i'm not climatized yet, but it's only 11º outside and i'm already thinking "i can't do this". winter feels so foreign to me this year, it's as though it's my first one or something.

i wish my life was as quaint as a wes anderson film. sometimes when i listen to the soundtrack of my life, i get the feeling that the minute details of my life are significant and intentional. like in a movie when even the click of a light-switch is deliberate. perhaps if i slow down and take more notice of such things, i may get the opportunity to really relish them.

you,
are on your way.

epidemic

yesterday i stayed in most of the day and just putsied around the pad. it was loverly. i did meet up with melissa for a late breakfast at the goat, but the rest of the day was spent at home relaxing. ah, it was magical.

i haven't been going to the goat much lately, but being there reminded me of how much i love it. i'm going to try and go there more often. it was just really neat to people watch, everyone was just so different, and there was a plethora of colour. i got the non-traditional breakfast, it was so good! i'll totally get that again, it included beans&rice, roasted potatoes and tomato. very yummy! i'm glad i tried something new :)

i rented "ten canoes" which turned out to be a bit of a bust, i don't know if it was the movie that was making me feel tired, but i decided that since i was tired i should just go to bed! i'm weird that way, i tend to ignore my body when it tells me it's time for bed. so i turned off the light at 9:52. on a saturday night :) apparently i like to be backwards.

i made my first two mixed-cds on friday night. i'm very pleased with them, i think they're great compilations. i'm very excited.

this week is gearing up to be a little on the busy side. i think i have a problem. i don't know how to stop. i want so much to get off this crazy, mental, out of control merry-go-round, but it's not slowing down.

when do you know it's time to quit the book you're reading and start another one? because anne of avonlea is not holding my attention and there's another book that's waiting to be cracked open. one that ticks my fancy a little more. hmm, i wonder where my fancy is. and how does that book know how to find it...

everybody seems to think i'm lazy,
i don't mind, i think they're crazy.
running everywhere at such a speed,
till they find, there's no need.

we sincerely regret this unfortunate incident and any inconvenience caused

i'm trying to drain my cell phone's battery so i can recharge it. it's a new battery. anyway, i'm kind of offended because my phone's default screen has a little symbol and text that says "do more". and i feel like saying "screw you phone, i do enough. don't tell me what to do."

do you ever regret opening certain conversations with your mother? oh frig, i do. especially when it's done at a vulnerable time, and then it's brought up again later. seriously, like if i haven't volunteered information to her i wish she'd take that as a "don't ask". because i talk too freely, and once i get talking there's no telling what's going to come out of my mouth. i don't trust myself, too often i say more than i should. sometimes i hear my own voice and wonder about what i'm saying, because i'm not accurately representing what i'm actually feeling about something. and i think "these people are going to totally get the wrong impression" because i'm not eloquent enough to formulate my thoughts.

sometimes i want to tell people "don't hate me because i'm different to you, i don't hate you". but when i'm honest with myself, there ARE people i know that i get annoyed at because they're different to me. i guess i need to work at accepting that not everyone can/will have the same perspective as me, no matter how much exposure they get to something. i guess the ideal thing is to have a little understanding. i have some friends who are different than me in one way or another, and we understand our differences. it's a matter of saying "i understand your reasons, even though i don't feel the same way". i guess the people i feel frustrated with are the ones i haven't been able to reach an understanding with. why can't we all just get along!?!? ;)

few words could open me but you knew them all.

flashpoint

sometimes one needs to wipe the blackboard of their mind and start over.

oh dear, what is that food substance ground into my pants, and why did i only just notice it? oh dear.

i realized today, if i don't make my bed immediately after waking up i'm far to partial to getting back into it later. i came into my room and saw it in it's comfy, warm and unkempt state, then i squealed with delight and got back inside under the covers. it was heavenly. and the fact that it was forbidden made it even sweeter.

i think that brief rendezvous with my single bed, set my morning routine back by 10 minutes. in my lateness (or potential lateness) for work i neglected to put in my earrings. i can honestly say that upon realizing that my earrings were absent, my stomach flipped in nausea. i experienced an element of separation anxiety. i realize that's silly, but i feel so naked without them, and the thought of working all day without them made me very uncomfortable. i felt as though my lobes were exposed and suddenly grotesque. hahaha. how ridicules! but true nonetheless.

i bruise really easily. and i injured my ankle really badly the other day. so badly that it sometimes aches when i'm sitting or lying down. i'm assuming the bone is bruised, and nothing can be done about it. i'll just suck it up.

my reach don't go that far dear.

book of kells

this evening i went to go watch isaac's basketball game. it was fun, i look forward to going again. it's neat because he dribbles with his left hand. here's a picture, that's him (wearing number 9) he's about to shoot. this is a nice action shot :) i got totally lost on the way to the school, i accidentally went to THREE other school's before i ended up at st. pats. i didn't realize there were so many schools in that neighbourhood.
and here's me and rhonda. we got a "safe" seat, some of the spectators were getting hit by the basketball because they sat right behind the net.

i'm feeling inspired to make a mix-cd. i've never been a big mix-tape maker, but i've been listening to the hatch mix-cd and really, with technology now, it's quite easy. make a playlist, then rip the cd! i already have one taker, so melissa will be my first recipient. i'm excited!

i need to get the hang of "if it feels good do it". not on a crazy, immoral way. but if i want to go to bed, skip a chore, watch tv, hang-out with friends, then i need to just do that, and not constantly nag myself to do other things. life's too short to spend it feeling obligated.

because we are your friends
you'll never be alone again.

jealous

my favourite things about weekends is knowing i don't have to go to work the next day. except for sunday, when i have the promise of work looming over my head. which seems so odd to me because having to go to work the next day on week-nights it's not a loathsome thought. i DO loathe all that i need to do before bed tonight and the fact that it's already getting kind of late. i've been slipping out of the habit of doing my dishes before bed. i need to rectify this problem. however, i think i need to start tomorrow, because right now i think it would do me a world of good to go bed on time.

i feel as though things are changing without my permission. i can't explain it. things i enjoy doing seem to be falling to the wayside. it's so strange because you'd think that if i want to do 'A' than i'd do that, but instead i'm finding myself doing 'B', when i didn't really get an option. all of a sudden i'm heading down one path and i didn't even notice that there had been a fork in the road. does anyone else ever feel like life just takes you places you didn't want to go?

someone from san jose (with a linux computer) has read pspd about a dozen times today. who is that? joel? buddy? someone i'm unacquainted with?

i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

jagged

sometimes i over romanticize life. this is one of those times. i think that's ok, it means there's still an idealist inside me. the trouble is knowing when to bridge the gap between the ideal and reality.

i've broken free from the restriction of words. i'd become encumbered by words said, words I'VE said. but it's hit me, there is, in fact, no correlation between my words and my life. irony is NOT waiting in the shadows to bite me in the ass.

here's a couple pics from the wedding yesterday. i posted a couple others on my facebook. i don't have a lot, and none of the happy couple, sorry. oh wait, i got one off michelle's photo album.

the reverend jared siebert, tim and tracka

sarah (knitting), paul and michelle (playing yahtzee)

me and rach (and half of august)

so yup, those are my brief show-and-tell pics from the lyon wedding. i concluded afterwards that if/when i have a wedding, that i'd like for everyone to wear a super lame name-tag. it would be helpful for everyone to know who everybody else is! it would say something like "hello, i'm frank, and i'm lesley's co-worker/mentor". like on facebook! it would help break the ice, like on seinfeld. ah, everything has a seinfeld reference :)

this evening was supposed to be living room. but only 4 people (including myself) showed up, so we decided to go to the la tienda night at rustle. la tienda is like an art-coop for women in the dominican republic that helps them break-out of poverty and prostitution by making jewelery to sell instead. it was kind of a tough decision for me, i felt like i was conceding to defeat or something. but i think joining them worked out fine. i'm quite discouraged about living room and i don't know what to do.

it’s hard to keep track of you falling through the sky.

size

the wedding went off without a hitch. except the one car that went off the cottage road which delayed the ceremony by a half-hour. oh, and it rained. poured actually. at one point i was walking down the road (sarah had run off ahead to get the raincoats), and i found the rain was no longer bearable because it showed no sign of letting up, so i ducked in under some trees. it dawned on me that i never have a need to find shelter from the storm because i'm usually always in the city, so if it down-pours i just go inside.

since it was a hippie wedding, i thought it best to don full hippie garb. it was a nice excuse to wear an assortment of clothes all at once. i admire that about other people, i really should do that more often.

i have photos, but i'm tired so i'm going to go to bed. i like when i leave my camera on the table then other people grab it and snap a bunch of pics without my knowledge. it's quite amusing.

my eye-sight is really terrible lately. it's frustrating! mind you, i'm not wearing my contacts right now, but i should be able to see 3 feet away clearly. i think my prescription may be changing. i'm hoping just need a good night's sleep.

turn the light out, say goodnight, no thinking for a little while.

lava

as teenagers, joy and i were always late for the school bus. in elementary school our bus stop was right across the street from our house, but in high school it was down the street and around the corner. each day we'd run to the corner of clark and edwin, to see our yellow chariot a block away. our bus driver was very kind and considerate, and would always wait for us to run and get on. in hindsight, i'm sure the other kids must have gotten really annoyed at us; the two sisters who couldn't leave the house 5 minutes earlier.

today was a big day (in a way), joy had her ultrasound and they were told that she is in fact pregnant with my second nephew. i am now 3 for 3 in my gender guessing of my sister's babies. i was sure this one was a boy, and i'm rather ticked by this news. actually, now that i think of it, i don't believe i've ever been wrong about a baby's gender when i guessed in advance.

my landlord's mother planted some really odd bushes on my front-lawn. it looks really strange. i didn't think it was necessary and it's not a nice touch. they seem randomly placed.

whoa, i need to go to bed. i have an all-day hippie wedding to go to tomorrow and i have no idea what to wear.

i'm just trying to figure out everything at once.

super school

some jackass wants to ban "athletic shoes" from my workplace. i think i know who it is – real uptight sort. knickers went berserk about it, i'm glad, she's the sort to make a fuss in protest to something ridicules like that. i can understand banning flip-flops, i've on occasion worn flip-flops to work, but most of the time it was by accident. i asked her what the problem is, and she said "well this isn't club-med it's a business". but even STILL i find it completely ludicrous. i don't understand the reason behind "business attire". she said to me "you were wearing athletic shoes yesterday", well i suppose i was if you consider shoes with laces athletic footware. now i'm going to be all self-conscience that people will be secretly judging my clothing. i resent that. they should mind their own business.

ironically, i'd JUST been thinking about my work-clothes this morning. i bought some really comfy and classy pants on sale at old navy the other day, and i wore them to work today. actually, i like them so much that i wore them all day. this brought me to the conclude that i need to buy more work-clothes that i really like so that i feel comfortable at work. SEE... BEING COMFORTABLE IS IMPORTANT. therefore, i'm setting a (loose) goal to buy a new work outfit a month. then slowly i'll develop a work wardrobe that i enjoy. i'm a real bargain hunter when i comes to work clothes. well, i'm a bargain shopper in general, but ESPECIALLY when it comes to my work-clothes.

i started on hatch the other day, and it's progressing very nicely. i am ever so pleased.

i've been working on this photo of a monorail at work yesterday and today. it looks amazing. i wish i could show it to you, but i'd probably get slapped for posting it online because it's property of BBD. basically it was this really shoddy picture that needed to be touched up to be presentable, we WERE going to get a 3-D rendering done but that would have cost $20,000, so instead i'm re-working this photo. frank was so impressed with the end-result that he LITERARY patted me on the back. i'm a good little protégé :)

tie me up tightly by your side,
so i may go with you where ever you reside.

tweed

i'm not sure what to do. i just arrived home from tracy's wedding shower, i got the standard done in record time AND had a proper dinner, but now it's after 11 and i don't want to do the dishes. i realize that this breaks all my rules of house-keeping. i also have clothes scattered everywhere, but i've been sick, so that should provide some allowances, right?

mine will be a story that urban legends are made of.

tie me to the end of a kite,
so i can go on with my life.
every time the wind blows stronger,
i will feel my spirit rise.

autumn

i'm feeling better. i even just ate some of the cookies i baked on the weekend, so that MUST be a good sign. since that means i'm regaining my appetite. although, i was just watching this hour has 22 minutes and it made me laugh so hard that i felt a little nauseous again.

i woke up today and quickly realized i was not ready to return to work. i started to worry because i wasn't exactly sure what was wrong, so i called telehealth and the lady seemed to think i was dehydrated. she instructed me to get some powerade to replenish the vitamins i've lost. so i threw on my poncho-hoodie and headed to the hind-quarter. it did make a significant difference, and i've felt much better for the rest of the day. i've dropped a lot of weight, but no doubt it will be back in a matter of days. i'll be glad to return to work tomorrow.

sometimes i'm embarrassed of my existence and feel as though others more "advanced" in life look at me as a pathetic excuse of a woman. i must admit, at times i feel like i'm just going thru the motions in life. now is one of those times. i wish i could fast-forward a little bit. i am afraid that by walking the thin red line, i may walk myself into pointlessness. perhaps i'm too smart for my own good, that i never make terrible mistakes and as a result avoid what could be wonderful adventures. maybe my comfortable life is really only humdrum, and i need to shake things up a bit. but where do i go from here? i haven't got the slightest clue. because too be honest, i'm too afraid to take a chance.

i will sing, sing a new song.

junk

i'm still feeling really sick. i wish i knew what was wrong, i haven't barfed so i'm not convinced it's the flu. i sure hope i'm 90% better tomorrow because in the state i'm in right now i don't know if i could/should go to work. my sister and i have this weird concept of "sickness" in our heads. my mom always sent us to school unless we were barfing, barfing was the discerning factor on whether or not we were actually sick. so as an adult i've been trying to get that out of my head and equate feeling terrible with being legitimately sick. i always feel quite guilt ridden for not going to work, knickers is never sick and i think she finds it quite inconvenient when we are.

today i got up at 12:30, watched "hardball" with keanu reeves & diane lane on the t.v., then a variety of sitcom re-runs (seinfeld, friends, fraser, will & grace), OH and i watched the ellen show. i knitted too, i got most of the heel done on my current sock. melinda stopped by to give me some camomile tea and chicken noodle soup. she also brought me some flowers which was nice of her. i always hate being sick alone, so i appreciated that someone was "taking care of me".

my life is getting a little blurry. i want to i sit down with the old lady version of myself and have a serious conversation about why things happen the way they do. part of me thinks everything will work out ok, but i'm not convinced what's ok is at all what i want. i just don't understand anymore. it's so much easier when you look back years later, even though reflecting often minimizes the hurt and frustration. my courage is dwindling. and i just don't understand anymore.

i think i'll go have some soup. and maybe go to bed. i'll set my alarm and decide in the morning if i'm well enough for work.

just promise that you'll try to give me all you can,
i'll never ask for more.

chopsticks

quite frankly i feel like ass.

david came to visit this weekend, and we were out until 3 am last night, then got up early for church. i tried to nap this afternoon, and to eat something, but my gut-rot is not disappearing. but at least i'm not tired anymore.

this weekend was queen's homecoming. i didn't go to queen's, so don't usually join in the festivities, but i was out with a bunch of queen's alumni, and believe it or not, we went over to aberdeen. yup, the infamous aberdeen. it was really odd, the only time that i've been in a similar situation has been at concerts or i dunno SOMETHING. but aberdeen is NOTHING but a huge street party. among the crowds (that we walked thru holding on to each other like a human chain) i got knocked in the face and my right earring fell out! i LOVE those earrings and i was SO SO sad! i consoled myself with the thought that i COULD to back to modern primitive today and buy a new one, which i did so that's ok. back on aberdeen, david hoisted me up on his shoulders and i could see over the sea of people's heads. it was a really cool view. aberdeen really wasn't my kind of event, but it was interesting to see/experience after hearing about it for years in the news. it was true madness. frig, david, terrence and helen are hilarious. we stopped by my house last night so i could get my glasses, i took my keys with me so i could get inside. when i went back out to the street my car was GONE! then i looked down the block and it was sitting there non-nonchalantly with the three of them inside. that totally cracked me up.

last night in the group, i had bouts of feeling shy. terrence+helen seemed concerned about me, but i told them i was just feeling shy. i'm like that. sometimes i'm awkward. talking to garry today at church, he mentioned me being introverted and yet extroverted. it's completely true. i am both, it all depends on my mood and the circumstances. i wish that wasn't the case, it was interesting that garry knew that. i find it comforting when people understand that about me. i'm sure it must be hard to work with at times. sometimes when i look back on my life i see the decisions i made about one thing or another, and i wish i'd done things differently. but sometimes we can only muster so much in the moment or in the phase. i'm trying to live my life in such a way that i won't regret my decisions in the future. that i won't let my temporary separation from my earring ruin my evening, or the fact that i'm single and worry that i won't meet anyone detract from what i DO have. it's tricky, something worth trying at.

the way you move is a mystery.

splinter

did you seriously think it wouldn't hurt me?

on the dance floor of my mind i'm awkwardly dancing it out.
you'll make a mark wilson fan out of me yet.

doors shut today,
means we knock until they say "come in anyway".

pithy

up is down.
no is yes.
right is wrong.

i'm dry of thoughts, wait for the rain,
then it's replaced, sun setting.

sword-fight

there's a wonderfully spectacular thunderstorm outside my window. i was just lying on my couch, listening to the bangs and watching the flashes of blue. and wished i had someone to lie there with me.

most of you know me fairly well, or at least know a lot about the inside of my brain. i'm an interesting, complex, fun, amusing, and dynamic person. i have a complete life which i enjoy immensely. i'd like to have someone to accompany me in my adventures. but i'm in a bit of a pickle. meeting someone is like getting a job, being totally qualified and awesome doesn't cut it, it's about who you know. but unfortunately, i don't know any men who aren't gay or involved. so here's an idea... if you know any totally rad christian guys, then send them my way! the christian factor is nonnegotiable, i'm a christian and therefore it's an issue. i've tried it the other way and it doesn't work, in fact, my last serious long-term boyfriend dumped me because i was a christian and wanted him to be too, but he didn't. the totally rad part is also nonnegotiable. i'm sure there's a lot of "really great/nice guys" out there, but i'm looking for someone who will float my boat and not bore me to tears. i don't suppose this suggestion will result in anything, but i thought i'd mention it just in case you've had someone up your sleeve but didn't know how to broach the subject.

i'm not disappointed that i'm single right now, but i don't want to remain so forever. i don't lament the way my life has gone, i'm actually quite pleased. the only things i would change are stupid mistakes i've made, not the actual events that befell me. i'm hopeful that i will continue to be not disappointed in my life, i'm confident that i will enjoy whatever unfolds, but i would like someone to sit and listen to the thunder with, and someone to snuggle with in bed at night.

all this considered, you may wonder "since lesley's not disappointed in her life, what is it that she really likes about it?" well since it's thanksgiving day i will indulge you.
• my home – that it's comfy and homey. it's quaint and roomy.
• my kitties – honey who is daring and pekoe who has started to sleep with me at night just like fru did.
• my family – who are proud of me and are loving & accepting of me in spite our differences.
• my job – that was a long-awaited answer to prayer, that has never ceased to be a blessing to me. it gives me the pleasure of doing what i love and challenges me regularly. i have a boss who adores me and really awesome workmates.
• my church – who happened upon me like kismet, coming into my life at a really critical time. and has provided me with a great community that has endlessly made me feel loved and accepted for i am.
• my friends – old and new. i'm so thankful for the stay-power of my old friendships, that have stuck with me thru thick and thin. new friendships who have taught me new things and connected to parts of me i didn't know were there.
• my car – that was given to me by my sister & brother-in-law, and is still truckin' even though it looks like it's waiting to exhale.
• my computer – that keeps me connected and has expanded my world in ways i didn't know it could.
• my opportunities – one year ago i left for kenya. i went to pei this summer, and am going to baffin next spring.
• my identity – that i have a firm grasp on who i am even though it took many years to figure out. that i have hobbies and unique talents.
• my experiences – both good and bad. all things have shaped me, sometimes battered me. but they always mold me into what will someday be a masterpiece.

the year is growing old... just like a stately old lady who knows she can be charming even with gray hair and wrinkles.

inches

my thanksgiving dinner was quite a hit today. i would like to host it every year, but as joy continues to pro-create i'll eventually run out of space. oh, i guess this is the time to tell you that my sister is pregnant yet again and is due on february 29th (yup, that's right... leap day. AHA). i think next year i'll do a turkey. i set up the dinning table out on the back porch, you know the one i just painted last week? it worked out nicely. a white table cloth was a bit of a mistake, BUT you live and learn don't you? here's a pic, tim took it, and the kids were inside watching the t.v. (or more likely harassing my cats). i think everyone had a good time, joelle cried she was so sad to leave, so that MUST mean it was a success. OR that she was tired....

this afternoon i purchased art supplies. i wish i'd looked in my cupboard first before i bought stuff, but it wouldn't have made THAT much of a difference. i so enjoyed painting the back porch last weekend that i decided that it's time i take up painting as a serious hobby as i've been wanting to. i dabbled in painting in high school, but i think all interest went out the window in design school (when you start studying your hobby as a profession it stops being fun). SO, i'm kind of starting from square one because i haven't worked with paint since first year (8 years ago), although i can still mix paint like nobody's business. the designer in me totally affects how i paint. i bought cmyk paints, i don't know how to paint with anything else! but i think that's better, i'll mix all my own colours and they'll be pure because i'm using only primary colours. i just got to take it easy, enjoy the process of painting and keep working away with it until i'm happy with it. instead of throwing together some piece of crap because i want to have a finished piece to hang on the wall. it won't be a grand master-piece, but it will be a good exercise. i can't afford an easel so i've just hung the canvas on a wall in a well lit area. it's working pretty well.

this truly HAS been a long weekend. i like that it feels like ages ago that i was at work and i still have a whole day off ahead of me. hurray!! my house is in chaos, i meant to set it in order this afternoon, but then i didn't. tomorrow i'd like to stay in and clean up and enjoy some peace and quiet. i enjoyed having lunch with my family today, but i was ready for some alone-time by the time they left.

my fridge is on the fritz. i'm going to have to call the landlord or his mother. it makes very loud squealing sounds. it can't be healthy. thankfully right now it's silent but i don't know how long it'll last for. and my bedroom is right next to the kitchen, so it was very difficult to sleep last night. i was also freaked out that my fridge was going to breakdown on the day my whole family was coming for lunch. it made it thru, but it might not make it thru tonight.

sometimes i can't find my good habits.

fetch

i had big plans for today. i needed to prep for tomorrow; clean, tidy and peel. but instead i watched "baby boom" on the t.v. and did a little cleaning. i need to get the rest done before bed since it's going to be a bit of a tight squeeze tomorrow timewise.

i spent a lovely evening over at rhonda's place. every year she has a big thanksgiving dinner and she told me to invite anyone along. so i invited tim&tracy. i felt really lame about it, saying "i'd like to invite you to rhonda's house for dinner. i'm sure rhonda would really like to have you". hahaha. but in spite of the strange invitation, they came and it was lovely. although, it was time to call it a night when the firetrucks arrived.

i didn't eat much all day, partly because i was busy with tasks, but also because i knew i'd be eating a big meal this evening. funny how that doesn't rid one from the munchies – knowing you'll be eating a lot later. loneliness is the same way, knowing you'll have company later doesn't change the immediate need for company. i'm sure there are other emotions that work similarly that's just one that pops to mind.

heads held high
even if you didn't have an audience.

aquatic

it seems i have a cramp in my thumb. the joint is sore, i think it's a painting injury, but i agitated it as i knitted this evening. i hope i'm not going to get arthritis.

last night i passed out on my bed at 9:30, then woke up at 10 and got ready for bed. i was so wiped that i put contact solution on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste. it turns out that i forgot to turn on my alarm clock in the process, so i woke up late for work.

this coming sunday i am hosting my first family holiday meal at my house. it seems like a big undertaking, but is nothing compared to over challenges i've faced. i'm sure i can hack it. this is quite unlike me, but i suppose one never knows what their capable of until they try. i'm proud of myself to taking the initiative to have them over, it'll stop me from complaining that i'm not considered a legitimate adult.

sometimes there just isn't enough hours in the day.

i was given this fancy wine kit box at work today, it was leftover from a customer dinner that i'd done a lot of work for. it's a rosewood box with all these fancy wine tools inside it, like a thermometer, re-corker, and a super easy corkscrew. i just bought a corkscrew a couple months ago, does anyone want my old one?? i feel so fancy with my fancy wine kit box, i don't know what half of them do!

if i only could
i'd take a bit out of this town.

bog

i wept giant tears as i laid on my couch reading my book, letting the tears dry on my face without wiping them away. i cried like a little girl, no wait, i cried as only a grown woman can, who truly understands the words she's reading. that is against my instincts. as a pre-teen i tried to be very tough, i wouldn't permit myself to cry over such things. weeping at real-life stories or fiction was my mom and sister's thing. they were the criers, i was the impenetrable one. but that's been changing, and i don't want to hold back anymore. you know when you get that feeling in your throat and you just want to give in to the impulse to cry because you find something so touching? i want that to come more freely and to not fight it anymore. some may look upon that with disdain as i once did, but that's their misfortune.

perhaps i have no subliminal messages. maybe things are exactly as they seem.

how can i say what i don't know.

fjord

things in my life have mellowed out. i'm not feeling tackled by my social calendar anymore. which is really nice. i sat in my cube today and realized, that so far i have no commitments planned for this week. so i called up my dad and invited him for dinner. i'd promised him in my father's day card (that i gave him in august) that i'd have him over for supper. it was very nice. we had quite the feast! i explained more of the transit industry and he told me all about how chown parking-lot used to be a methodist church. and about how when he and my mom were here in kingston on their honeymoon (they lived in toronto at the time – although that's no excuse) that there were only 7 prisoners in the prison for women (they passed it on the tour bus).

i find it interesting that i plan my vacations out years in advance. and that when my workmates say "next year we'll have to remember to..." it's completely assumed by both them and me that i will still be there in a years time. or when i say i want to move to wolfe island in my early thirties that means i plan to stay in the maxi-pad until then. what surprises me the most about this, is that i'm unfazed by the fact that i expect to still be single in 2009. that i realize my job isn't just a job but it's my career. and the maxi-pad isn't just the place where i live but instead it's my home.

a dragon lives forever but not so little boys.

tripod

WELL, i have so much to tell you.

on friday afternoon, i decided to paint my back room this weekend. it's something i've been planning to do since i moved it, and my landlord gave me permission (and said he'd reimburse me – even BETTER!). so i began on friday evening. i had to prime the walls and then apply 2 coats of paint. so essentially i had to paint each wall 3 times. when i began i thought "i am a strong, capable, independent woman", but it didn't take long to think "this is much harder than i thought it would be". the stairwell was really tricky and i was scare my bold leaning over the edge would result in me falling and breaking my neck. i wonder how long i would have lied there before anyone found me. anyway.... it was exhausting, but i enjoyed myself. i drank red wine and listened to the cbc. it took almost 24 hours to complete. i did little else except...

in the mid-afternoon i decided to go to the store for some french bread. i'd been painting with my house-door open, but the door to the porch (that you have to walk thru to get to the house-door) was shut. when i left to run to other store, i went outside to find honey in the backyard. i quickly grabbed her and then searched the house for pekoe to make sure he hadn't got out too. he wasn't there. i went back outside and started calling his name and spotted him. but he startles very easily and he crawled under the fence and ran away from me. i was quite upset and i searched for 10 minutes, freaked out that i'd lost mr. pekoe so soon after losing fru. my neighbours joined in the search, we split up and they quickly found him. PHEW. so he's safe and sound back inside. grr, that crazy guy. but i'm so thankful that he's back that i even let him sleep on my pillow right beside my head like he always tries to do.

anyway, i'm very pleased with the paint job. here are some before and after pics:

BEFORE

AFTER

this afternoon i made a fennel and tomato salad. it was really good. i had french bread and red wine with it (no, i'm not becoming a heavy drinker, i'm just trying to use up this bottle my neighbours gave me). i wanted to take a picture to show you because it was so fancy-smancy, but my camera batteries are dead.

well, here's the last of my news... i've decided to go to baffin island next april to visit beckie. i love taking vacation and traveling, but i always get discouraged because so few people are available to join me on holidays. but then it occurred to me, why travel with someone? how about you go visit someone! beckie'll only be there one more year, and i'm going to plan to be there for her birthday. it'll be really expensive, but i'll save starting RIGHT NOW. besides, i won't have to pay for my accommodations and such. so that will help. melissa and i were talking about going to mexico, but she said we can go another time, mexico can wait. visiting beck is time sensitive. linkage

don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool,
by making his world a little colder.

grey

i'm slightly freaked out by how fast time flies. i just got my driver's licence renewal reminder in the mail. i feels like just last year that i thought "wow, i don't have to get this renewed for 5 years!" ugh, i don't even want to think of 5 years from now. i kind of feel that time keeps moving and i keep standing still. each year i'm frightened that nothing will happen or change in the coming year, and at the end of every year i look back and am blown away by all that came to pass. you'd think i'd learn. i have to admit, almost a year ago (at thanksgiving) i said to myself and in writing on pspd "i wonder what i'll be doing this time next year", and really, i'm not doing anything special. that disappoints me. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i'm just one for excitement and surprise. and there's a definite absence of both right now. regardless, i am content in spite of my rather even-steven existence.

this morning i got up and it was still dark out. with the lights on in my house i noticed how similar it was to when i got into bed the night. and i thought to myself "how do i know it's not night-time". i guess the main difference is that i was well-rested. as i've mentioned repeatedly before, i'm enjoying going to bed early/on-time. sometimes i think to myself "you should just go do such-and-such, when you look back are you going to remember how well you slept or that you had a memorable conversation with so-and-so". which i think IS good logic, however i do have physical limitations and need sleep, and a lack of sleep makes me feel miserable. so even though won't remember one specific nights sleep, i will remember feeling good and upbeat in general. it's more a preventive measure.

promise to paint me as a work of art.

storm

i made garlic bread tonight! how uncharacteristic of me. i can't even remember where i came up with the idea. it was good, but next time i'd use more butter.

i'd like to expand my vocabulary. it seems over time the english language has dropped an assortment of words and we're only left with the bare minimum. it's too bad, because i feel like of gypped. in the non-racist sense.

it seems my life is either hectic or bulldozed. i set aside this evening to just chill at home, but i got quite drowsy as i read and passed out on the couch. it's as though whenever i get the chance to mellow out, my tiredness is permitted to emerge. i'm at the mercy of my exhaustion, so i'm going to go to bed. i so enjoy not waking up tired.

we're slow to acknowledge the knots in the laces.

kafufle

i've just finished the first sock of my second pair! i'm very excited, it looks really good, and fits like a glove. or should i say sock :p

sometimes i have issues with them, but i keep it to myself. it's frustrating because it's like they think their close-mindedness will keep them safe. no doubt i seem very liberal compared to them, which i'm sure makes them in turn very uncomfortable. which is funny because i'm not a particularly liberal person, liberated but not liberal.

last night i went to a pampered chef party at jordin's place. i bought my first stone. i'm pleased about that, i realize it won't make me into some fancy cook, but it will make somethings turn out better. i'm considering hosting one myself, just because it would be a good chance for my friends and famly to mingle, but i wouldn't do it for quite a while since a lot of the people i'd invite were there last night. besides, i'm still just barely staying on top of my busy social calendar.

my pants do not lie.

the fall weather has been insane. it's like it can't decide if it's coming or going. honestly, it's practically bi-polar. it's too hot in here. i should take off my new sock.

i'm sad because i just realized that i forgot my lunch vehicle at work :( oh l.v. how i miss thee. i think of you and your cool pack slowly becoming lukewarm....

i got a hand,
so i got a fist,
so i got a plan,
it's the best that i can do.

devotion

this might seem quite obvious to everyone else, but it occurred to me today that there is a possibility that my life may not turn out to be an utter disaster. i'm not sure at what point i adopted this train of thought, but for as long as i can remember, i've just been assuming the worst for my life. which is a real shame! like that's a sad mentality to carry around. and i'm annoyed at myself for surrendering to catastrophe. like, come on les! i feel quite encouraged by this realization that things may very well go very well!

i had a nap today in my contacts. it feels rebellious to nap in the day time. i like to dabble on the wild side.

here's a kind of blurry photo of my lunch vehicle. i wasn't super jazzed with the woman icon at first, but it was better than all the marijuana or misfits patches. but it's grown on me. i kind of like that it feels like a briefcase. probably because it's not a briefcase, so it's sort of a novelty. if it actually was a briefcase i'd probably hate it, i'm definitely more of a portfolio kind of gal. but instead it feels like an edgy anti-establishment lunch vehicle.

lord give me grace and dancing feet,
let me outshine the moon.

licorice

leaving my door unlocked i went across the street with my kite in hand. i'd been trying to read with some difficultly on my balcony, but the pages kept fluttering in the wind as those subtly suggesting i come and play.

alone, without anyone to help me, i quickly launched my pirate ship kite into the clear blue sky in the middle of the barren field of the memorial centre. i'd never flown a kite before, well at least never successfully. up up up it went, giving me rope burn on my left hand as i tried to keep it from getting too carried away. the string began to blend into the sky which left the kite appearing to be floating independently in the air. i sat down and watched it. and soon lied down since it was so windy it didn't need help from me at all. it danced around for almost 10 minutes, i smiled to myself, and noticed a group of people who were obviously aware of the ship, but chose to ignore it. i imagined people in cars driving by, saying "hey look at that kite!" like i had once several years earlier, which had led me to that very spot on this very day.

the winds eventually died down and it became harder to launch it again. looking around for higher ground unencumbered by powerlines, i spotted a set of bleachers. standing a top, my kite easily took flight again. it was roughly 150 ft above the ground, and a good distance off i saw it's shadow moving about on the ground. my eyes then noticed my own elongated shadow which had long legs and an extended torso. my hair was fluttering around my face as i decided to lay down on the top bench. i held my kite-holding hand up into the air, and placed my other above my head on the wood beam. lying there i began to wonder if feeling beautiful was enough – if it was truly comparable to being told one was beautiful. i decided it would have to be enough, it's been a long while since i was told i was beautiful by a man who truly meant it. perhaps never actually. but no matter.

i don't know, which way the wind will blow.

tutu

i school we were taught to never paint from the tube and to never use a colour straight from the colour palette in illustrator. that concept has stayed with me. i got looking at my lunch vehicle last week and decided it was too pre-fab – straight from the tube. so i bought a patch from the jungle and ironed it on where the "thermos" patch used to be. i'm dazzled by this change. it's a nice personal touch. i think i'll buy a "you're not the boss of me" button from the goat and pin it on as well. very suitable i think.

apparently i have nothing else to say. nothing's coming to mind, so i guess i'll end here for tonight.

summertime has come and gone,
all used up with wishful thinking.

funkstation

i found me a mid-wife.

i met joanna's friend mianh tonight. she's a mid-wife in training. i told her that if i ever have a baby she can be my mid-wife. she herself is pregnant, and i was amazed by the fact that upon meeting her i reached out and touched her belly. i wonder if pregnant women get that all the time. near strangers touching their bellies. odd that it should seem strange to be touched by a stranger. i wonder why our culture became so non-touchy. so i guess the plan is that mianh will help deliver the baby and david will catch it. ya, david and i cooked up a plan that he could catch my first-born child. i promised, the only clause is that he can't disappear from my life then reappear in 10 years to catch my baby than take off again.

i was reading an article on google news today about aging. oh, did i say reading? i meant skimming the headlines. but from what i gathered, they're saying that mile-stones most 30-year-olds are hitting today were typically done by a 25-year-old in the 1970s. which make sense. who hasn't been told by their parent "by the time i was your age i'd already birthed 5 babies and bought my second house!" i think i agree with that article. or at least i would if i'd read it.

joanna gave me this shell necklace from fiji today. i like it a lot. it's long and feminine. it jingle-jangles. i like accessories.

i can't throw away my fears
up into the atmosphere.

eyebrows

i arrived home to find a flyer about sleep apnea in my mailbox. i laughed really hard at it. i don't think it was meant to be funny.

i also got my election card in the mail. i'm all weirded out because it's telling me to vote at princess street united church instead of at the memorial centre which is right across the street from my house. that's the dumbest thing i've heard! i'm hoping their simply not using it as a voting pole this time instead of sending me to the farthest one from my house for no reason. ok, so it's not the farthest. it's just around the corner so it's quite close, but it's NOT the closest!!

i LOVED my early night's sleep last night. i need to do that more often. i would've done it tonight but i hosted a meeting tonight about living room. i had a nice time getting to know tracy. i have this problem that i enjoy people and i know a lot of fantastic ones too. the unfortunate part is i also really like time alone too. it's quite the conundrum.

you think that i forgot
cuz i'm not saying anything
but i'm thinking a lot

rebellion

in spite the fact that i have loads to do tonight, i'm going to go to bed. i'm tired and it'll just have to wait for another day. i'll probably read for a bit, but i'll still be in my bed and my computer will be off. i'm pretty happy regardless of being overly busy. things are going well and i'm content :)

i burned soup the other day. the bottom is so charred i think i'll have to throw out the pot.

excuse me while i go to bed.

you don't do what i want you to.

new era

i feel icky and uninspired. my tea is too strong. not everything is about you. although, i'm not saying it's about me either. i look forward to seeing her, it's been at least 8 years, maybe 9. my pre-teen fears are stirring as i put my late-twenties fears at bay. it's too cold in this house. i like surveys, they're like tests i know all the answers to. how to i strip off the layers of my life that i don't need? i like eating apples in the fall. i'm sneaky. so sneaky you don't even know i'm being sneaky. i visited the observatory mansions and the house famous. i smell like garlic. his sincerity surprised me. even though i'm not a prude and i'm not naive sometimes i still blush.

the truth is i'm not sorry.

ostridge

i'm toying with the idea of getting fish. i'm not quite serious about it yet, but it's in the back of my mind. i've had fish in the past. countless fish actually. i even had guppies that had babies, they were fun. my last two lived almost a year, until they met their untimely and tragic deaths. it was quite sad, and yet a kind of funny. but i might just be me, i find most things inappropriately funny.

i'm enjoying the state of things. aside from my irrevocable guilt for not having enough time/energy for everything/eveyone. in a way, i feel a new level of adjustment. i'm not bursting to talk or communicate like i used to. it's almost as though i've grown really used to being on my own or something. but it might just be the fact that i'm just to tired for tale telling. it's definitely not that i don't have stuff on the brain, because i've got plenty floating around in my noggin.

i bought a plant today. for inside.

i'd kind of like a fish bowl at work. i'd do it too if it wasn't for the fact that cleaning it might be a hassle. but i could clean it after work in the washroom. maybe that's something i should consider more seriously.

i can give you life, i can take it away.

hamster

over the past week, i've denied my instinct to turn on my computer before work. it's been good, i have more time when i'm not farting around on the internet at 6:30 am. instead i listen to the cbc. beckie's right, the morning show about ontario is kind of lame, but i listen anyway. today, they touched on something i'd never thought of before. made an issue of what i thought was a non-issue. religion in the public school system. since grade two when the pulled the lord's prayer from the classroom, i've grown accustomed to religion being a taboo. it's not something discussed and it's usually ignored by institutions (government, work, school, etc). now before you jump the gun, i'm not criticizing that, i so used to that now that anything to the contrary surprises me. which is why i was so surprised to hear their arguments as to why religion should be discussed in school. they were saying that whole generations are growing up without understanding the significance of religion (even if they themselves are not religious), and in spite personal opinion there's no denying that religion plays a noteworthy role in this world. wars are fought over it. and yet we live in a society that is so politically correct that it seems they believe the only neutral approach is to ignore it completely. this was a completely new outlook for me.

this was obviously still in my head later today at work. i've been working on a powerpoint presentation to be shown at an event in kansas city. we strive to ensure that our marketing material accurately reflects a diverse company and not just white people. bearing this in mind, i selected a photo of a muslim woman. later when i was showing the presentation to knickers she was very reactionary because i'd picked a very religion specific photo. my comment was "so what if she's muslim, we work for a worldwide company". she responded saying "we're going to show a photo of a muslim woman in middle america!?!?" this stunned me and lots of other things i won't get into. this is a diverse world! and omitting something doesn't ACTUALLY make it cease to exist. and maybe if we were more educated or well informed we wouldn't be so phobic of our differences. like seriously, that encapsulates so much.

i wish i'd taken world religions class in grade 11. but i think back then i was of the wrong mentality that learning about different religions could be dangerous. flirting with philosophy. now that just seems silly.

he looked at me sheepishly. and so he should. tail between his legs. he's worse than a liar, he actually believed the things he told me. unfortunately for him, i've swallowed too many lies over the years that it's starting to come back up and i'll probably vomit all over him.

i can't spell tonight. what's up with meal words and double letters changing the meaning... dinner > diner. supper > super. dessert > desert. weird.

if they ask you how i'm holding up
say i'm holding out for the words.

rockin'

guess what!?!? i got me an elliptical! yup. and i built it all by myself. i decided that instead of renewing my Y membership that i'd buy an exercise machine for at home. i hate spending money, it gives me anxiety, but it's less than a year's Y membership so that comforts me some. i'm all excited because it's so convenient, i could even work-out BEFORE work sometimes. in theory. whether that's a theory i'll choose to test remains to be seen.

i had the sarah butler over for a visit tonight. this is a part of my new whole having people over initiative. it's such a load off my mind to not be neurotic about guests anymore. i'm still not one for spontaneous guests, maybe someday, but not someday soon.

yesterday is the 4th anniversary of my employment at bombardier.

i forgot to tell you that my favourite part of the horse races is that after the races they'd ride the horses around to cool down a bit. and sometimes the horses would be so tired that they'd let their tongues hang out the side of their mouths. it was so adorable and hilarious. i laughed to the full extent of laughter.

i'm a believer, i just need a motive.

blend

i decided that this was the day that i would cave and buy a lunch bag. ewww. i hate the sound of that, i'll call it a lunch box, hmm i already have an actual lunch box that i keep my banking in. so, yes i bought myself a new lunch vehicle to cart my food back and forth to work in without worry of spillage. i've been using an old minotaur bag, but let me tell you, it's getting rather grimy. yuck. for some reason my new l.v. (lunch vehicle) makes me feel like i've reached a whole new level of adulthood. AND like i've come full circle to childhood again. it's funny that this is significant to me because it means i've moved past my adolescence and simply recognize that having a lunch vehicle just makes good sense! and doesn't mean i'm a sell-out. frig, if ANYTHING makes me a sell-out, its that i work for the man.

i received an invitation for a work dinner on thursday night. i'm not going because i already had plans that night and i'm not going to bump them simply because my boss' boss is in town and has invited us to keep him company. he apologized that the invitation was short notice, so i think he won't mind, but other people are giving me a hard time. it's frustrating. it's not that i don't like them, it's just that my free time is limited as it is, and i'd like to do something else for a change.

i'd just like to take a moment to discuss posers. yes, posers. people who pretend to be something their not. i've spent a lot of time thinking about this, and i can't comprehend it. if you admire something so much that you want to be like that, than just do it. or if you're pretending to be something you think others want you to be, it's not worth your time! i just can't understand why anyone would bother. now, i realize that everyone to some extend pretends. i think sometimes i pretend to be a little more "with it" than i am. sometimes i just nod and pretend that i know what people are talking about. i've got to tell you, i have no idea what "emo" means. i actually think i'm not as cool as people think i am.

in light of my declaration that people should simply be who they are, i have decided to stop pretending that i use my brita filter. i drink tap water and i have no problem with that.

to my utter excitement melody just called to tell me that she's engaged. i'm so... yay! i'm excited and it's really nice because their really smart and are approaching marriage really maturely. upon reflection she is my first long-term friend to get married. yes, there've been a few from high school who i'm not in touch with, but this is melody. MELODY!

turning away from the light,
becoming adult,
turning into myself.

flameco

i did it. it's finished. i'm done.
i've finished reading harry potter and the deadly hallows. and i must admit, i'm going to miss harry, ron and hermione. i laughed. i cried. it was great. and i closed the book with a sigh and with satisfaction. books are odd specimens. we rush to complete them only to lament their finality. i feel that way about knitting sometimes, i knit-knit-knit til something is done, then when it's complete it feels anti-climatic. at least with knit-goods i get to wear it, but with books we place them on bookshelves like trophies we've collected.

as i'm enjoying escapism via books, i quickly rushed off to indigo for the next book on my list. i thought something light-hearted was in order after the intensity of the potter series, but i ended up getting something potentially dark. however, i've heard it's good so i'll trust the judgment of it's suggesters.

yesterday i had a flash of inspiration and rearranged the furniture in my bedroom. my desk is now facing the window. i think i'll buy a plant as it'll be a great sunny spot. facing the window makes for interesting viewing, i just saw a kid bike up the street with no seat on his bicycle. this new arrangement makes my room seem more spacious. funny that.

i feel like i've just woken from a long nap or broken out of a trance.

don't question why she needs to be so free,
she'll tell you its the only way to be.

skin

we went to this little restaurant called "blue fin" and ate lobster for the first time. i quickly devoured mine, which is most unlike me. i liked the bib, and kept the "how to eat a lobster" instructions.

no one i think is in my tree.

laundromat

i had me mom over for dinner tonight. it was nice. we sat talking on the couch for a long time before i made us some spaghetti. i feel like our relationship has improved drastically since our week's vacation together. i understand her so much better and i feel like we're friends again. my mom told me how impressed she was by my house-keeping, which just goes to show how far i've come since my 2007 decision to keep a tidy house.

i'm utterly amazed how simply rearranging my living room has given me a whole new lease on life. well not life exactly, more a new interest in entertaining. i'm excited about that because a) having people over is cheaper than going out, and b) it means i can be at home AND have a social life. hurray! it's the best of both worlds! however, i've decided to allot more time for myself. i need to maintain two or three free evenings a week just to be at home alone. this way i think i'll be able to avoid getting burnt out and will live a more balanced life. i wanted to make you all aware of that so if i decline on an invitation simply to stay at home alone you'll understand it's for my mental health and not because of you.

for the first time in my life i'm glad it's almost fall. usually i hate fall because it means that winter is on it's way. but this year it's a nice change and i feel as though september brings some normalcy with it. i'm looking forward to seeing the trees change colour and the smell of autumn in the air.

here's a video clip of our time at the charlottetown driving park.

i’m not who i was in the morning.

doppelgänger

HO-LY jumpin's. i just started to read harry potter and the deathly hallow, and all i can say is... HO-LY jumpin's.

i think i'm semi-addicted to reading. what is it they say? if you want to do something immediately when you wake up, you have a problem?? i'm not actually concerned about it, however i am a little worried that my reading-addiction may interfere with me having a social life. hahaha

SO the most awesome and unexpected thing happened today at work. we had an all employee meeting over in the other building at 10. all morning we wondered and speculated over the purpose of the meeting. when we arrived, no one was in the meeting area, so marilyn led us right up to the right. we sat talking for a while, the chairs filled and as we waited i saw a group of women come up to the front. i looked at them, and saw someone in particular. i had to think to myself "is that really rhonda or am i imagining things?" RHONDA WAS THERE with the health unit!?!?! it was really neat! what a hilarious surprise! i wish she came to my work every day. they were giving immunizations and she gave me my shot. heehee! seriously, i think that was the highlight of my work-week. not the needle but having rhonda at my work place.

here's the first of my vacation photos. i think i'm starting to get a bit of a rep at work for taking interesting holidays. every time people ask me where i went this time and so on. this is me and melinda outside out cabin beside the northumberland strait.

i am the pennies that come in handy.

ruckus

i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i hate frosh week. it's probably because i didn't attend a university and therefore missed out on all the frosh events of most of my peers. they're rude and obnoxious and don't give a flip about THE RESIDENTS OF THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD!!!

so you wanna see a pic of my new living room set up? this is only one specific angle, it's an L shaped room, so a good portion of it is missing. i think it's really nice and cozy. i couldn't be happier :) i bought that ceiling lamp in p.e.i., it's a miniature version of a lamp at my mom's house that i've always loved. i bought that bowl on the small trunk too, and a number of other things not shown. this is what it used to look like.


catherine sandwich was in town this weekend, this was a pleasant surprise since she emailed me recently to say she won't be moving back to ktown until september 2008. she came over for a quick visit before heading to the airport. it was funny because i had lots to tell her and the tale started from about 2 days after she had left for the summer. i really like her, it felt like no time had passed at all, it was sad seeing her go. she's really funny, i don't know why, she just is. i planned to make rice krispie squares for us to eat while she was here, but we got pitas instead. so now i have a box of cereal and marshmallows ready to prepare for my next guest. i think that's a rather ingenious plan if i may say so myself.

i should turn off my computer for the night. i'm finding i'm quite enjoying not having my computer on all the time. maybe i won't even turn it on before work tomorrow. that would probably make me more on time wouldn't it?? i won't be wooed into farting around the internet when i'm supposed to be having breakfast or combing my hair.

are you out there, can you hear this?

ottoman

while in p.e.i., melinda and i listened to the french radio station in our little cabin most of the time. we wouldn't normally do that, but we kind of liked not knowing what they were saying. when we weren't listening to that, we'd listen to "spud fm" or to the cbc. melinda is a bit of a radio buff, or perhaps simply a radio nerd. i, on the other hand, rarely listen to the radio. however, i found i quite enjoyed the cbc and decided to tune my home stereo to it so i can listen as i make dinner or do dishes. quirks and quarks always reminds me of my mom, it makes me think of spaghetti dinners and coming home from piano lessons. for the first time in my life, i'm starting to see my mom in myself. not just in listening to the cbc, but in other ways too. probably both good and bad, but i'm just going to focus on the good aspects. foster those qualities and let the bad ones remain dormant.

ah, i love my little apartment. the maxi pad. i'm enjoying my time at home, my solitude and organizing. starting this fall i intend to find more time for myself. to learn to balance my social life and my alone time more affectively. too often it's too much of one and too little of the other. not everyone needs time to themselves, but those around me will just have to get used to my need for space and find other ways to occupy themselves in my absence.

did you know that sugar works wonders for a burnt tongue or mouth? just rub a little on and you're all set.

i wanna be there in the pouring rain.

arsenault

HEY!!

we arrived home from p.e.i. today. i had a really nice time on the island, it's extremely beautiful and picturesque. i have loads of photos that i'll be uploading later.

this trip (that trip? is it past-tense already) was one of many firsts. my first time...
• in new brunswick, p.e.i, maine, new hampshire, vermont
• on a long road-trip
• swimming in salt-water
• at a flea markert
• at horse-races
• gambling (2 dollars :p )
• at a lighthouse
• eating lobster, oysters, and mussels
• biking 10 kms
• i saw wind-turbines in real-life
• i ate cows ice cream
• playing rummy

this trip has perked my interest to travel more within canada. i was wrong in assuming most of canada is like ontario, when in fact ON is probably the least exciting of them all (as an ontarian). this is a frickin beautiful country, it's kind of dumb that i'm only cluing into this now. i guess that's sort of typical.

i bought quite a number of things at the charlottetown flea market, and this afternoon after having a long nap i re-arranged my living room. partly to integrate my new items but mostly because i have never been satisfied with the layout of my living room. but now i LOVE it. it's so homey and cozy and i just want to be in it all the time. it will be a decent balcony replacement over the winter.

it's nice that i have two days off before returning to work. i'm just going to hang-out in isolating for the next few days. have some peace and quiet before getting back into the rat-race. i've spent the day in silence. the only music i've listened to is the sound of the crickets outside.