traffic, paper, strawberry

on saturday b and i spent the afternoon in hong kong. when we were there the first time we walked around in the stifling heat (hk is unbelievably hot and humid, we were unprepared for that). near the end of our time there we came across a hop-on/hop-off bus tour. we didn't have the time, and wanted to limit how much money we spent before reaching our destination, so we decided against it. but on our return trip we knew where the tour company was, we knew how much it cost, and we had plenty of time, so after arriving in the city via the train we beelined it to the big bus tour office and hopped aboard. it was really great because we got to see all of the island, while at the same time learning about what we were looking at. it was very cool. hong kong is an impressive place.

when we got back to the airport we had a fist full of money left over, and when we browsed the bookstore we both found magazines that interested us. brendan is a big fan of the new yorker, and i like glamour magazine. however, they were $81 and $53 respectfully (hong kong dollars - which is 1/6 american). so we counted up our dollars and had just enough for both. as we sat in the lounge reading i came across an article about sugar. i discovered that (as a society) our intake of sugar has gone up 34% in the last 30 years, and that sugar is added to everything, even bread! this is a problem because sugar is the greatest cause of weight gain. so, being a person who wants to lose some of my extra weight, this was valuable news to me. this morning i googled how much sugar we should have each day, it said that aside from naturally occuring sugars (in fruit, milk, etc) we should only have 40 grams (8 teaspoons) a day. up until 2004 i had 4 teaspoons of sugar in each cup of tea. i wanted to cut down my sugar intake so i cut it back to one, but gradually worked myself back up to 2. on average i have 4 cups of tea a day, so that's my 8 teaspoons right there! so i'm going to retrain my pallate. i'm scaling it down to half a teaspoon, i may increase my milk content to compensate. i'm glad i came across that article.

the thing about weight loss is that it involves a certain amount of obsession to make headway. a person has to be very dedicated and diligent if they're going to change their eating or exercise habits. when i've really given it a lot of attention in the past i made a lot of progress. a friend of mine from college lost 60 pounds in one summer because he was so obsessed with losing weight, he didn't keep it off in the long run because he went back to school and well.. simply... life happened. certain stages of life lend themselves to things like weight loss or reading or sports or cooking classes. i'm hoping to find a balanced life-style, i don't want to neglect working out, but i don't want it to be my first priority either. i'm happy that limiting sugar intake is something i can do fairly easily, it'll work with my life-style pretty well.

we are collapsed in the act of just being here.

return

after a 15 hour flight thru 11 time zones and one mini day, we arrived in toronto. at customs the man asked us if we had a good trip, and in a travel-daze brendan informed him "ya, we just got back". we collected our luggage, then came thru the doors and down the ramp to the smiling faces of andrew and shannon. they got up at 2 am to drive to toronto to pick us up. it was so nice of them, and it was a great warm welcome home. we listened to 90s music on the satellite radio as we drove the 401 in our massive dodge ram truck. when we stopped at a service station for breakfast b and i told them all about the genocide museum we visited, hearing about it seriously made shannon cry. i'll tell you about it later.

we did our laundry and watched some of the office season 6 (we bought it at the russian market in phnom penh for 6 dollars - the complete 4-disc season), and fell asleep by 4:30. we slept 12 hours, i got up at 4, did some things around the house, then headed to work for 7. it was kind of nice, but it means the day is going INCREDIBLY SLOW, because i've done so much already and it's only 9:45 am.

b and i both felt good to be home. being in the maxi pad, getting re-aquainted with our space is nice. we feel pretty rejuvinated, and i feel like our trip was very energizing.

videos and photos to follow on facebook soon.

time will hold its promise.

lady

we rode on the bus back to phnom penh today. it was another grueling 6 hours or so, but it was ok. i sat looking out the window listening to my ipod the whole time. i have to say... that trip has a mighty fine sound track. we passed rice fields, and rural cambodian houses, palm trees and ponds full of cows. it was a beautiful sight, and one that made the long trip pass in no time.

i spent much of that time thinking about my life. life in general, but specifically my life. this new adventure of marriage to brendan puts things on a different road than i was on before. i feel excited, and eager to know how things will unfold. i'm surprised at my desire to rush to every milestone asap. i want to know what our house will be like, what we'll decide to name our kids, what kind of parents we'll be, how we'll interact with our friends and families as the years pass. inspite of my eagerness to hit the fast-forward button i have to remind myself that there's no rewind. plus, i don't actually want all those things at once, or even right now. it's best to tackle one thing at once, and my excitement is just that... excitement. i feel like my life is a good novel. it's a page-turner that i want to rush thru in order to know what's going to happen next. what a huge mystery it all is :) but i'll pace myself. i want to experience all phases in their own time.

we're on the final leg of our time here in cambodia. unlike in past trips, i'm not sad to head home. i was telling b the other day how my life was often made up of having one thing to look forward to, and then another. usually when a trip is ending i have nothing else to look forward to until my next trip. but things are different now. i'm looking forward to getting into a routine with b, figuring what our life is going to look like together. we've been sharing funds for the last 2 weeks and already find that that makes life WAY easier. i suppose that's the first change of many, and i'm sure they won't all be that easy.

beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads.

painted

tomorrow we head back to phnom penh. we've been in siem reap for over a week. we've spent the last 3 days with brendan feeling sick, feeling better then feeling sick again. brendan having a fever and brendan's fever subsiding, then returning. brendan barfing, and me not feeling great. but today we ventured out for one last trip to the temples. on our way in the tuk-tuk b said to me "'i'm going to miss this ride"', me too. it's unfortunate that between bouts of sickness we missed opportunities that we'd been looking forward to. activities we'd been greatly anticipating ended up not working out and we can't just do them tomorrow because our time here is done. i was bummed out for a portion of the afternoon. i've decided to not mention them by name so that i don't hold tight my disappointment. but instead i'll take hold of the wonders of our trip, the time spent with b, our nice hotel, our relaxing stay. the chance for us to further connect and come together as a unit, to share in an experience we've never shared with anyone else. it's lovely really. the things we missed out on can be done at another time, in another place. but this first trip together, our honeymoon in the south pacific can never be duplicated, it's special on it's own, even without the bonus experiences.

part me of feels like writing is the best kind of art form.
i'm reading yet another don miller book, and am thankful he exists.

bikcycle

brendan is feeling worse than before. we had a plain breakfast then decided to take a short visit to the temples. while we were there i was keeping tabs on his health and he said he was feeling a 5 (out of 10). but since returning i think he's feeling more like a 3 or 4. i got the shower working, but he doesn't feel well enough to stand so i'm trying to keep him cool with a wet cloth. we're not concerned, we're quite certain it's heat exhaustion. i keep insisting that he drink lots of water. he said he got a fever in dominican and that he just slept it off and was ok again. i've never had a fever before so i'm just going to trust him on that.

it's an odd feeling taking care of someone else. i've never done this before. no one else has ever been my responsibility before. it's interesting, i hope i do a good job at it. i think i'm doing ok. this is a new beginning - being someone's somebody. it's nice to know that as i am here for him, he'll be there for me too. that's one of the many wonders of partnership.

when i'm confident that he's feeling a little bit better i think i'll go to the market and do some looking around. there's a few things i'd like to pick up and it would be nice to be able to take my time - since b does not like to shop. we've already bought a number of nice things, such as a summer bedspread, a photo album, i bought a new purse.

i'm growing suspicious that our hotel is run by a group of gay cambodians. brendan thinks this must be a drink come true for me, since i like gay men so much. but i'm finding it a little odd, if not surprising. why are they all congregating at the same place of work i wonder?? our room comes with a dvd player and we can borrow from the selection of movies in the lobby. we really like that set up, and think it's a great asset. the first thing that tipped me off was that half of the movies are gay films. one or two is not surprising, but half i tell you! i'm not quite sure what to think! well, i don't suppose i need to think or conclude anything, it just is.

well i'm going to go check on b.

******************************
ADDENDUM:
when i got back upstairs, i helped brendan into the bathroom for a shower, but when we got there he said "'you should leave, i'm going to throw up"' but i stayed, because he's my 'band and he needed my help. so he barfed and barfed, and is feeling much better now. he was really surprised that i watched him barf, but that's what i'm here for - you know... the whole sickness and health thing. he was really quite touched, and i feel like we've crossed yet another bridge of intimacy :p in a way it seems fitting that he'd throw-up on our honeymoon, since he threw-up the night of our first date. he laughed and said he'll throw-up to mark every special occasion :p again, we're doing alright, no need to worry.

alice

we're both feeling a little unwell. my stomach is bothering me, and i'm having a tooth problem. brendan feels on the verge of a fever (just as our shower decides to stop working). we're doing well, but spent most of yesterday sleeping in our air-con room. hopefully we'll feel better today. i think we're dehydrated, so the plan is to drink lots of (bottled) water in hopes of our physical selves feeling better. plus, we have next to no appetite due to the heat. no need to worry, we're just changing gears a little.

on a brighter note, we saw some apsara dancers last night, which was really neat! we're planning on going back to the temples today, and hoping to take an elephant ride!!! so exciting! elephants are my favourite animals :)

hope all is well where you are!

democapitalist

the funny thing about brendan is that he's rubbing off on me. we're both excited to get up at 1 am tonight (we've been falling asleep before 8 every night) to watch the soccer game. i would never have imagined that. and we've been getting pints of beer for 70 cents (he's also rubbed off on me with the whole drinking beer thing).

today was another super sweaty day where we rode around on a tuk-tuk (it's a motorbike with a carriage attached to the back for passengers) and saw three great historical temples. after that we went to a mexican restaurant for $1 tacos (cambodia is full of every kind of food imaginable, and they do a great job at it too!), followed by relaxing in a place called "peace cafe" where i had a mango lassie and ice cream. at restaurants they give everyone a cold wash cloth to wipe your face. at peace cafe i sat with the face cloth on my head for an hour or more. it was nice. while we hung out there i read about pol pot and the khmer rouge. man, that's a complex history that is too much to explain in one blog entry. basically... after the vietnam war the khmer rouge imprisoned its own country, forced them to be slaves and killed people by the thousands. it was basically genocide and a holocaust in one. totally horrific. it's a complete understatement, but the khmer rouge were just jerks. they filled the countryside with landmines to kill their own people, that to this day people are still stepping on and losing their limbs. we see a half dozen landmine a day at least, many of them are young adults. the khmer rouge fell from power in the 80s, and they've been rebuilding ever since. one thing we've found about cambodia is that it's quite a progressive nation. i'm sure a lot of their principles fall short in practice, but they have signs everywhere about responsible tourism (ie anti-child sex trade), and anti-drugs, they have laws about equality for women, and are open to same-sex relationships. i would imagine they have a long way to go, but we are glad to see they are so progressive in their outlooks.

we've been a little disappointed that the other gringos (white people) are not very friendly. jill and i chatted with lots of other travellers, but the people here are not very friendly. they don't even smile at us on the street. we''ve noticed that besides white people there are lots of westerners in general. it's quite easy to spot people who are of asian descent but who live in north america (or other wealthy nations). so we''ve stopped referring to tourists as white people, but rather as westerners. most of the gringos we've been able to overhear are aussies or kiwis, not many canucks this part of the world it seems.

hope you're doing well! we are doing fab :) it's hard to believe we've only been here 6 days!

pretty lazy

we've overcome the hurdles of yesterday. our hotel is really very lovely. it's called EI8GT Rooms (but it how has 16). they're super accomodating, which is refreshing after the jerks from yesterday. the funny thing about our hotel is that the shower is in the middle of the bathroom. there's no curtain and everything is tile. basically the bathroom is the shower stall and the sink and toilet are in it. hilarious! the two single beds pushed together worked out last night, brendan snuck over onto my side, which was nice because he finds it difficult sleeping with a buddy. so that goes to show he's starting to really take to it :)

thanks to everyone who commented! i wondered if no one was reading because i was away on my honeymoon and they thought i wouldn't be blogging. i've discovered a lot of people have funny concepts of honeymoons - one being regular emails are abnormal. but i like to write and i like to process my experiences thru writing. we have free internet at our hotel, which is GREAT! oh, and jordin... i won't be able to upload any photos until we get home. but try this..... to give you an idea of what we're doing and seeing. we took a tuk-tuk to our first bunch of temples today. it was a long ride, but the temples were amazing. we're having the funnest time. the sites we went to today were not very busy, in fact, the second one was empty except for us which was great.

the food has been amazing. we had indian last night, and it was oh so tasty. we''re going for dinner soon and are hoping to try some more local cuisine.

everyone speaks english very well and all the dealings is in american, so that makes transactions very easy. we've been drinking lots of bottled water and coca cola. the caffiene isn't negatively affecting me at all! i think that's because i'm really relaxed.

golden

today we took the bus from phnom penh to siem reap. it was supposed to take 3 hours, and it took 6.

then when we got here the hotel we were super looking forward to staying at didn't have our reservation and was booked up. so we waundered the streets in the dark looking for another place. we found one, but didn't like it. it was crappy. so we left that room and waundered again. we found one, it's more expensive, but we like it. unfortunately, it only has two twin beds, so they pushed them together into one double. we might stay here for the next 10 days if we can get a different room.

all in all it's been a bit of a rough day. and a waste of day. we're going to go scavenge some dinner now. we haven't eaten a meal in 12 hours.

:S

tuk-tuk

is anyone reading this thing? it seems no one comments anymore, so i don't know if anyone is tuning in. that's ok, it's nice to keep a record for myself.

things are going great here in phnom penh. it's stinking hot and i can't make it thru the whole day without stopping for a shower midway thru the afternoon. we're learning to navigator ourselves pretty well. we accidentally scored with the location of our hotel. it's in a prime spot close to everything. traffic is CRAZY. we've seriously never seen anything like it in our lives. motos (motorcycles) just drive right at each other thru intersections and yet they don't crash. it took us some time to learn how to cross the street.

i'm nearly out of time, so i'll right tomorrow! we're going to bed soon, but have a nice day!

ting-ting

we're in hong kong at the moment. we went into the city this morning (10 hour layover) and walked around for several hours. it was super hot and humid, and unfortunately our summer clothes are in our checked baggage. we were dripping with perspiration when we caught the train back to the airport.

 

before we left kingston i wisely told brendan "pack a toothbrush in your carry-on" then proceeded to forget to take my own advise :S i'm dying to brush my teeth, and brendan won't share. i reminded him that we're married, but he said that kissing and sharing a toothbrush are two totally different things.

 

we're having a really great time. we're totally amazed and regularly say to one another "we're in china!" i don't think it really sunk in for either of us that we would be spending time in hong kong. it's pretty awesome. the mountains are amazing and the ocean. oh man. when we were on the train going into the city i turned to b and said "THIS is why i work in my cubicle. it's for moments like this" it's good to be remindedof that.

 

we got some sleep on the plane last night, and so far we're managing pretty well. it's 1 am at home right now, and we seem to be doing well believing ourselves to be in the early afternoon instead of night. we're hoping to stay a wake until a reasonable time this evening before going to bed. we'll probably walk around PP for a bit after getting settled in. we're having fun :)

 

tonight's gonna be a good night.

humidity

last night i started packing for cambodia. it went pretty well. i've got all my clothes packed and now just have basic necessities to pack in. i think i learned a lot from our trip to peru - to not bring a lot of unnecessary things that will make the backpack heavy. we're starting to get excited because it's dawning on us that we're leaving TOMORROW!!!! i'll go to work during the day, then nancy will pick us up after work and drive us to TO. i hope we don't forget anything important - like our wallets, our passports, our vaccinations. i think all will be fine.

yesterday b and i went to moneymart to convert a large sum of cash into american. i got very antsy and was afraid the next person in line would robb me of our travel cash. afterwards brendan was asking me why i was afraid, and i explained "what if someone saw the money and took it from me?". he said "then i would stop them. you're not on your own anymore les". that may be the biggest adjustment of them all - understanding that i have a partner who will take care of me and protect me.

i really like having b live at my place. it was fun getting ready for work with him this morning. we ate frosted flakes. i've noticed that i no longer need my 8 blankets for sleeping anymore. we sleep most of the night without any covers at all, then use just a sheet and a duvet when we get chilly in the morning. one time in the night i got up to go pee, and when i returned i really liked that he was still there.

i accidentally stabbed myself in the hand when i was trying to peel an orange with a knife. it's sore and i rue the short-sighted idea of using a sharpe object as a orange opening devise. i got blood on my fruit.

 

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new.

mrs

HELLO!!!!

well, we made it. we survived the wedding and actually really enjoyed ourselves.

on friday evening we got together with a group of friends who helped us decorate the lovenasium. after that i went to shannon's with rach and jill for a sleepover! we stayed up late drinking wine and talking. i woke up the next morning at 5 am and couldn't fall back to sleep until 7 something. i got another hour of sleep then woke up for a great breakfast. i then dashed for a one-hour massage before heading home. the massage was great and gave me some time outside of the wedding stuff to just relax. my mom and sister arrived while i got ready and before we left for photos in the park it was raining.

we did our photos in the rain, which kind of stunk, but we managed and it made for a memorable experience. after that we headed over to the church. it felt great being able to spend time with brendan before the ceremony. he's my best friend so it just felt so natural to hang out beforehand, it dispelled any nerves we were feeling. joy, nancy, brendan and i chatted in the basement and danced to the music before the processional. we had a really stellar band who played about 3 songs before we got started.

the ceremony was so much fun. having al and garry perform the service together was PERFECT. they were so funny and helped set a comfortable tone. the service itself is so beautiful and down to earth, the words said are significant and meaningful. because al knows brendan's love of jewish culture he arranged for him to stamp on a glass just like they do in jewish culture without telling us in advance. when i realized what al was getting at i smiled ear to ear. it was amazing. then the band finished with "my children, be joyful", which was truly a triumphant ending. afterwards we were told by so many people that it was the best wedding they'd ever been to.

the reception went pretty well. we ended up having WAY too much food, but i figure that's better than having too little. if anything we were overly prepared. the food crew did a great job and we were so grateful. we had some speeches and ate some cake. when it was time to go we said good-bye then walked home in the rain under an umbrella.

after a few hours at home we went out to see seinfeld at the KRC. it was fun and we laughed a lot.

it was a big day. so many firsts and big changes. the change of name is a biggie that will take some adjusting to. but i'm the kind of person who when i decide something i dive right in, i feel that a slow transition would just be confusing, so i'm trying to incorporate lorimer wherever i can.

well, i'm pretty tired, so i'm going to get ready for bed. it's been a fun day. we ate waffles for breakfast, watched soccer on tv, went downtown for some errands, came home an bbqed, watched a movie. it was really relaxing after the whirlwind of the last 3 months. it's been quiet and i've enjoyed the peace.

you know its gonna make it that much better,
when we can say goodnight and stay together.

miss

well... here we are.
this is my last chance to write until after i'm married. it's been really important to me to make sure i have some time and solitude to reflect on the big life change i'm about to go thru.

*deep sigh*
i'm 30 years old. when i was a teenager i thought i'd get married at 21. i figured i'd just marry whoever i was dating at the time. my logic was that why would i be with someone who i didn't think i was going to marry, so obviously that meant i'd marry them. it's amazing to think of my younger self completely unaware of the fact that i would actually spend the majority of my 20s single and frustrated. i like that my life has not unfolded how i predicted it would. the only thing i would change is the frustrated part. if i could've eliminated that part of my single experience – the tears, the discouragement, the loneliness, the alienation, the tediousness, the rejection – i would. but... truth be told those are part of the experience. they were very challenging years that stretched me and taught me a great number of things, and in the end made me a more well-rounded person. although, being the single girl became a big part of my identity. it's hard to imagine being seen any other way.

finding the right partner is a very yucky experience. to be honest i feel like "putting myself out there" involved sinking to depths i wouldn't normally consider. i feel a certain amount of sting or embarrassment, as though i was omitting an odour of desperation (interestingly enough, connecting with brendan actually involved doing nothing other than living my life). i by in large felt ashamed of my desire to have a partner. i would often try to pretend when talking with people i wasn't friends with that being single was no big deal and that i wanted it that way. i didn't like being that defensive, but it was better than being vulnerable. in the harder times i most definitely got thru with the support and presence of my friends. i'm so fortunate to have so many lovely people who i really connect with. without those relationships where i was able to talk on a deep level i could never have felt like i belonged. i'm very thankful. it's really my friends that made me well-rounded, and well-grounded too for that matter.

it's been 20 years since i lived with a man. in 1990 my dad moved out which left me with just my mom and my sister. it was a pretty charged household that i dubbed "the estrogen zoo". from there i lived with girl housemates, then different girl housemates, then still more girl housemates. my life has been rich with the presence of women. in the meantime men have become a great mystery which remained unattainable. but soon i will have one with me, within arms reach, sleeping beside me in my bed. how do i make this change without being afraid of the unknown? we'll figure it out i guess.

well, i should go to bed. it's a big day tomorrow. the wedding festivities begin at 6:30 p.m. with shanno and i running errands, then it will be non-stop until sunday.

so here we are. lesley mcknight is signing off for the last time. as of saturday this blog will belong to lesley lorimer :)

come on and save me
if you could save me
from the ranks of the freaks
who suspect they could never love anyone.

unencumbered

i've concluded that i only like slightly unripe fruit. i love fruit that is hard and a little solid. fruit that you really have to bite into and it doesn't just mush around. i just composted half of my kiwis because they are so soft that they're becoming fremented. i prefer it when they're when they're difficult to scoop out with a spoon, that's when they're perfect and a little sour. fantastic!

i won't have to say anything.

rug

tonight we had.... oh wait...before i continue, let me just say that i'm trying to not be discouraged about my weight and for the most part it is not overcoming me. i talked about it and am moving on.

tonight we had our rehearsal. it came together at the last minute, but it turned out very well. i knew it would so i didn't worry about it when the details were still up in the air. it only took about 15 minutes to get the lovenasium set up really nicely. we had a big table that fit 17 people around it! it's always a little nerve wracking to blend two sides of families together, they seemed more comfortable around each other as the evening went by. nancy cooked a lovely dinner and tim took care of the dishes.

the actual rehearsal went well. only took about an hour to go threw it 3 times. having kids in the mix are always a wildcard, but as brendan pointed out they increase the cute factor 10 fold. it's a really lovely ceremony, and al & garry are co-officiating which is fun and all that we could ever want. we feel quite positive. it's kind of a relief! i feel like all the big stuff is behind us now and all that's left is fun stuff – like decorating and banner painting!

speaking of banner painting. the lovely missus rachel erb made us a gigantic banner for the wall in the lovenasium. it looks FANTASTIC. it was so good of her to do that and it took a lot of perseverance. now we just have to paint some words on it. i'm scare we're going to totally wreck it by accident when we paint on the words! here's hoping our paint job will turn out ok. if we success it's going to be GREAT! the pinnacle of the decorations. heck, it'll be the pinnacle regardless.

i could carry that tune all the way to the moon.

snooze

if i were to identify the top 3 topics that arise frequently here on pspd i'd have to say they are the following....

1) boys
2) packing/travel
3) my weight

it's kind of funny that the next week involves a combination of those things. this morning as i got ready for work, an outfit i used to wear back in my cubby years was too tight. i am unbelievably discouraged about my weight, and i'm horribly scared. i'm quite phobic of getting as big as i once was, and it seems that the week before my wedding i'm the cubbiest i've been since 2005. what terrible timing. i'm afraid my cubby cheeks will forever mar my photos, and that when everyone stands to greet me as i come down the aisle that my cubbiness will be apparent to all. it seems to me that this will be the one thing that i look back on with regret - i hate my body. i probably wouldn't be so bothered if i didn't know how much better i feel to live and move inside a slightly smaller frame. within the last year it's fluctuated quite a bit. i loved my body when i returned from peru and even cuba. it's this damn cubicle. whenever i'm not stuck in it i lose weight because i'm moving and living and active. it's discouraging because i once lost 50lbs, but it seems that whatever techniques i'd once used don't work on my 30 year old body. i suppose my metabolism has changed. it's frustrating because it's not that i don't want to work out, i just don't have time. with wedding plans, and moving brendan, and getting ready for cambodia when can i find time to jog?? well... i'm going to schedule time over the next 3 days for jogging. it's not going to make any difference weightwise but at least i'll feel more pumped. plus, i'll try to do sit-ups before and after jogging, which will make my abs feel tighter. *sigh*

i think i'm pmsing - which is probably a factor in me feeling fat and me feeling discouraged about it. it's kind of funny to think that i'm pmsing before my wedding. i think i half expected it not to arise this month since this is a special occassion. in a way body's are indifferent, or perhaps even oblivious. i want to say "hey body... don't you know we're getting married this week? smarten up!". oddly enough i think that would fall on deaf ears.

you know... even though talking about this doesn't change anything i still feel better.

 

when the love that you share
is enough that you need to declare
once the love song is sung
you tie your love in a knot that will never be undone.

avenger

so, it seems i'm having some difficulty with my toes. my three middle toes on my left foot. the timing sucks considering we're leaving in a little over a week for a walking tour of cambodia. i think the source of the problem is just one toe, but the other two are emmulating the discomfort so it's difficult to identify exactly where the pain is coming from. it feels like they are badly in need of being popped. that the joint needs cracking, or possibly that i have a pinched nerve. i don't want to make a doctors appointment because i've been having too many of those lately, but if it persists i'll go after we get back. it's starting to dawn on me that i'm getting older. it's a bizarre feeling, but the reality is that our bodies do not remain the same throughout adulthood (even though i've always thought that was the case since puberty is over) and it makes sense that i'll suffer from some kind of toe problem at 30 that i didn't have at 25.

the weekend was a bit of a blur, so i didn't have time to write about our adventure at the monster trucks :D shanno and i had a great time. there were four big monster trucks, my favourite was brutus because it was a truck that looked like a dog. they drove over cars and even a full-size van. i have to admit, they are incredibly intimidating. i couldn't help be feel afraid whenever they reved really loud as they drove over the cars. it was an exciting fear though, one that was quite thrilling. the low-light of the evening is when we were forced to stand for the american anthem, it was not only awkward but they had us stand to support the US troops. we don't support the troops so that put us in the very uncomfortable position of standing for something we are opposed to, or sitting and causing controversy. we are not opposed to controversy but i think it's worthwhile to pick your fights so in the end we stood. i can't speak for shanno, but i felt shell-shocked and a bit in denial of what was happening.

saturday was the 5th annual skeleton park music festival. it was lovely as usual. i very much enjoyed the company of friends, and the people watching. the music was good, but the only band that really stuck out for me was cherry chapstick, they were fun and talented. i also really liked the japanese drummers. it rained for a little bit in the afternoon but we were nice and dry under the big tent. all in all it was a good day.

yesterday was our last day of special meals til the fall. it was really enjoyable as usual. when we got back to my house i was pooped so we just watched a movie and didn't really accomplish much. hopefully tonight will be productive. we have to organize the maxi pad to make space for brendan's things.

my sister is going to iron my dress for me and i put it in a bag to bring with me to work - so i could drop it off on my way home. but i left it by the door at home. i have horrible visions of the cats scratching it up or brendan looking in the bag when he goes to my house to do some organizing. man, i worry for no reason sometimes. blah blah blah.

5 more days! i can't believe it! i'm pretty excited.

trying to make the best of my time.

confirm

in two weeks brendan and i will have arrived in cambodia trying to get settled in and get our bearings. i've been a bit disappointed with how such an exciting trip has been overshadowed by the wedding. i usually count down to my vacations and spend ample time preparing to go away. since time is limited and we'll have approximately 3 days to get ready after our nuptials i've asked brendan if he can do some trip-related errands next week and i'm starting to compile a list of things to do. i'm very excited. i think brendan will be a great travel companion, he's very much like jill who i found was very easy to explore with. i'm looking forward to hanging out in the heat of the cambodian sun. to walking and listening. to eating local foods. to being so tired after a day of wandering that my feet hurt. and to having new smells surrounding me - every place has a unique smell. *sigh* i love that happy dirty feeling of vacationing. it's going to be loads of fun :)

this evening shannon and i are going to see the monster trucks at the k-rock centre. we think this is super funny and quite exciting. we're going to drink beer in a stadium full of testosterone. it will be a night to remember. i kind of like the irony of it juxtaposed with my upcoming wedding. not something most people do the week before their wedding, especially not 30 year old women. it's sweetly ironic.

then tomorrow is skeleton park music festival. that should be great. i hope sleep in just enough to have a nice lie in, but get up soon enough to fully enjoy the festivities.

while talking to brendan and referred to us as a family. i was joking around and said "well someone in this family has to...." i don't even remember what the rest of the sentence was, but after i said it i was shocked and kind of thrilled. as many of you know i have an aversion to the word 'family', i usually refer to our future together as a 'unit' because i'm more comfortable with that concept. but i suppose we will technically be a family, which is kind of neat! man, i've been experiencing so many things for the first time lately! it's fun because i love doing and experiencing new things :D

everything that happens is from now on.

skeleton

i'm standing in my bedroom listening to ohbijou on cbc radio 3. immediately after hitting play i regretted not staying to see them live. it was a tough call, i was feeling out of steam and my sensible self was telling me i should comply with my bedtime. i'll cross my fingers and hope another opportunity comes by again soon, i'm sure it will.

it was good walking home on my own. i rarely get those opportunities anymore. walking in the dark when all my headspace is taken up with reflection as opposed to forward thinking. i kind of want to make that a priority for next week. my 7 last days as lesley mcknight. really make time to walk and think and explore my inner self. i hope for the chance to write one big significant blog entry before our wedding when i'm home alone and full of inspiration. that will be important to me.

while i was walking i thought of 2 friends going thru a particularly hard time right now. how mysterious life is and how there's hardly any easy solutions. i wanted his problem to be solved easily and simply, perhaps that was too hopeful or naive of me.

today's underpants have front pockets in them. it's made me conclude that all underpants should come with pockets. just think of all we could keep in them! it would be so handy. i'm tempted to sew some into the others, but that's not going to happen.

i like the sound of the breeze outside my window. that sound is the reason why i love this season. well, that and many other reasons. i think there's part of me that fears losing the peaceful silence after i get married. but i shouldn't fear that. brendan loves the quiet more than i do, so i once we get used to have someone else present we'll probably comfortably settle into silence as well. for someone who enjoys natural quite so much it's strange that i most often surround myself with sound. i too quickly forget the calm and am wooed away by the sounds of lovely music.

she's the one who knows the sea,
so you'd better talk to her.

squish

hi.

things are going well. 10 days before the wedding. sarah and i got together last night and assembled some photos for the walls at the wedding. we did very well and got thru about 25 arrangements. i have a few more photos coming from a few of brendan's friends, but all in all i'm nearly finished that. *sigh* it feels good to be accomplishing things. my list of things to do has drastically diminished over the last week or two and i'm very happy about that. if all goes well, next week should be pretty straightforward and relaxing.

the thing i feel least excited about (read: awkward about) is when everyone stands up when the bride enters. man, that's going to be super awkward. no doubt i'll blush like a fiend. hm, it's just occurred to me, what's protocol? is the bride to look solely at the groom or is she to look around at all the guests? i think i would be most comfortable just looking at b, but i don't know if that's rude. any insight folks?

my cubicle at work is a mess. so is my car and my home. i'm going to dedicate much of this evening (as much as possible) to the tidying and cleaning of 330 york street. hmph. the biggest problem is that it doesn't take much to distract me from the job at hand. i rarely have enough time to really get into the swing of things to really make significant progress :S

yesterday i went to the dentist for my regular cleaning. it's not pleasant, but i'm glad i have coverage. it seems the future of my teeth will involve some sort of ordeal involving the extraction of 2 teeth and the insertion of one implant. i won't get into a lot of details because i know some people are squeamish when it comes to talk about teeth. all this to say... i need to floss more regularly. the hygienist suggested a routine that goes something like: floss on weekdays, take weekends off. that's an option.

i hope this song will guide you home.

cameraw

well, when it rains it pours. and i had many showers this weekend :p

on saturday night shannon threw me a surprise sexy time party. well... when i say surprise i mean it was supposed to be a surprise but my fiance isn't great at keeping secrets from me and for some reason strongly hinted that something was happening that evening. anyways, it was very fun. lots of lovely ladies were in attendance. we had some wine, we opened gifts, we played a game, we chatted, i helped bren boost her car battery when she'd left her lights on. all in all it was a full evening and i got home after midnight. it was really fun. i'd never had a shower before, so it was a really interesting experience. it's kind of humbling to have so many good friends under one roof giving me wonderful gifts in celebration of my upcoming nuptials. i was informed that apparently you're supposed to get rid of all your old underpants when you get married, so i was given approximately a dozen pairs of new bloomers. there was a sliding scale in terms of type of gift, some were over the top (like shannon's) and some were very practical (well... i suppose i could classify shannon's as practical too).

saturday was super busy. there was a work bee at next that morning, followed by joanne's birthday party. because of the poor weather jo arranged for her celebration to be at next instead of at the park, and invited gary j to lead us in salsa lessons. probably one of the best moments was when jo (purely accidentally) called out "grab your partner and get ready for some pole dancing!" hahahaha. it was hilarious she meant to say salsa dancing. too funny.

that evening was shower number 2. it was supposed to be a surprise, but joy is not great at coming up with legitimate excuses to surprise me, so i was on to her. however, i was quite delighted and surprised to see that many of my good friends who'd been at the shower the night before were at joy's place too. it was fun and people were once again very generous with their gifts. it's seriously very humbling.

so there we go... bridal showers: check. they are now crossed off my list of things i've never done before.

it's now only 12 days til the wedding. brendan and i were lying around yesterday and had a conversation about cold feet. we agreed that our feet were plenty warm. although, he does seem to be concerned that we're so wedding-focused that once it's over we won't have anything to talk about. i don't think that'll be a problem. it's safe to say that b is getting super tired of wedding stuff, he said (and i quote) "it's like death by a thousand cuts". it's wearing on my little introvert.

i'm super excited because the forecast is looking very good for this coming weekend - skeleton park music festival!! hooray! last year we got majorly caught in the rain.

suddenly the days turn into night.

wok

i was in toronto today for a photoshop seminar.

the day started off on the wrong foot. i'm convinced my alarm clock is conspiring against me. whenever i really need it to work it simply doesn't go off. i was pretty careful last night to make sure the time was right and that it was in fact set to go off. but i woke at 5:16 (my clock is intentionally set 10 minutes fast thankfully) instead of the 4:45 i set it for. i dashed to throw on some clothes and make it down to the train station to catch the 5:30 train :S i made it, but i'm still pretty peeved with my stupid alarm clock.

the seminar was good and i enjoyed myself. i was surprised at how much i learned. i'll review everything tomorrow at work so that i don't forget everything.

it was good being in the city on my own. i really enjoy the anonymity of taking trips – like that week i spent in montreal. i love not having email or obligations. i'm thankful that i get to have these business trips at least once a year. i think that down the road when i have kids it would be wise to still have these annual trips to the city by myself. it does me some good, and i felt ready to return again.

on both the way there and the way back i just sat looking out the window at the world passing me by. i didn't read, and i only listened to my ipod on the way back. on the way there, when i wasn't looking out the window i was trying to sleep (it was an early train). it was a good reminder of what it's like trying to sleep in transit. it was cold and uncomfortable, and i forgot my eyemask and my blow-up pillow too. i hope our flights to cambodia aren't unbearable.

well i should go. it's been a full day. talk to you soon!

my baby takes the morning train,
he works from nine till five and then
he takes another home again to find me waitin' for him.

spam

have i ever told you how i feel about the expression "take care"?

i hate it.

i hate it when people sign emails with "take care". it's always a bad sign. i've never had a "take care" go well for me. in fact, i think "take care" is the most offensive general salutation i can think of. it's deceptive in it's use of the word "care". it initally makes one feel positive, it seems like good wishes. but in my experience means "have a nice life". it seems to be used as finishing words, the relationship (whether formal or casual) is now over and they hope that you take care of yourself - FOREVER. i guess the offensive part comes from the finality of it. it makes me feel cut short, like they've had the final say, and often i have more to say, or want to leave the door open to saying more eventually. in a way, i like to finish my correspondence with an elipsis.... because one can never know when our paths may cross again. it feels presumptuous that the end is the end.

sometimes i want to give "take care" the benefit of the doubt. when i see it, i don't want to presume it's a bad omen, but i think too many negative associations with that phrase has ruined it for life. this is difficult, because it makes me presumptuous in return. it creatives a negative atmosphere where the other party probably intended positivity. i'm currently in correspondence with a nice lady over something i'm purchasing from her. everything i see the words "take care" i feel like "hmph! was that necessary??". but i'm trying to remember that "take care" is not a verbal slap in the face. it's odd that i even have to remind myself of that.

this time last year i came across some major military propaganda and it made me ill. it has resurfaced, and once again i'm sickened and left feeling like my head is going to explode. it's very similar to my gut reaction to discrimination. i'm just down right confused by it. i don't understand!

why can't we be friends?

mutually

good news!
my dear long-time friend melody is giving me a replacement cake stand as a wedding gift. she was given one for her wedding and is going to get me the same one. it converts into a punch bowl too! just wanted to let you all know in case you had the same idea :)

more good news!
brendan and i picked up a new bed from his mom's place yesterday. you may recall that we brought his double bed over to my place at the beginning of may. we gave away my single bed and he's been using a futon at the erb's place. BUT unbeknownst to him, the bed was very creaky and i just couldn't sleep on it. we were going to keep our eyes out for a replacement bed, but then nancy offered us their spare bed that they were getting rid of! it's really nice. we went to their place last evening to pick it up. we put the mattress in the back of my little suv and strapped the box spring on top of the car. it worked out really well because we have 8 bungee cords. so we got that all set up last night and i slept beautifully.

fun news!
i've also begun working on a "wedding standard". at next we used to do something called "the next standard", david and i were co-editors of it. it was like a church bulletin, only more wonky and artsy. i resigned back in 2008 when i just didn't feel i had the time for it anymore. i'd hoped it would carry on without me, but it hasn't. maybe we'll pick it up again some day, i think robb was interested in resurrecting it. anyways, so i'm making one for our wedding. i'd forgotten how much i love doing it. well... not forgotten exactly, i guess it's more that i haven't had the pleasuring of this kind of designing for so long that my senses feel awake again. i showed it to b last night and he loved it, but he loves everything i do, so that's not a huge indicator of it's quality. regardless, i'm very tickled and i think it will be fun and that our guests will enjoy it.

it's 18 days til the wedding. i booked an appointment for that morning at diva. i want to go for an hour massage the morning on the wedding. i'd hoped to go to a yoga class, but to be honest i don't think i'd be able to concentrate. so instead i'll go get a full-body massage so that i'm totally chilled and relaxed. i was planning on going at 10 til 11, but they were booked for that slot, so i'm going at 9. which kind of works out well because it gives me more time afterwards.

the world that i love bears your name.

trampoline

well... i had a very nice weekend. that being said, i had a very difficult time getting up this morning. that's always a sure sign that i'm in need of a vacation.

FRIDAY: i went to the brew pub with megan, because the boys were having a brother-bachelor party.

SATURDAY: i'd planned to do a bunch of wedding stuff, but ended up getting a lot less accomplished. we did however get a joint bank account set up, but i think they did it wrong, so we're going to have to go again later. maybe we'll just wait til july, there's no rush on that. we'd walked up to loblaws (where the bank is), and when we were finished it was time for caleb's birthday party. so instead of walking home for the car we just walked to joy's place. that was fun, then my dad drove us home.

SUNDAY: started off rough. the wheels fell off my day pretty quickly. nothing was fatal, just nothing went smoothly. it felt like everything was harder than it should be. andrew needed people to help with special meals, and i was struggling with my conscious because of my intentional decision to not do my regular things this month. so brendan went without me and i had a 2 hour nap :) when i got up i did the dishes and read my book. how lovely. that evening b and i went to see megan perform at the mansion. she did great as usual, her sound was extra rich because of her new amp. brendan has been mentoring me in the ways of beer, so we both had a pint. it seems b brings out the competitive side in me and i really wanted to keep up with him. sadly, whenever i'd chug to gain on him he'd casually raise his glass and in a few short glups pass me once again. when i was finally making some progress he swallowed the rest of his pint whole :( this being said... drinking a pint more quickly than usual left me rather tipsy, and b had to carefully take me home while i laughed at a sign that said "chinese food" and wiggled my bottom. oh dear.

all in all it was a very nice weekend. i'm crossing my fingers for a nice week too.

it's 19 days til the wedding. this is totally surreal.

the long farewell from the hunger strike.

wagon

at roughly 6:30 this morning i thought "i should put out my kitchen green bin on the curb" because it was fully and it's garbage day. so i grabbed the container from my counter top and walked away. within seconds i heard a loud crash and when i went back i found that my glass cake stand had fallen and shattered all over the floor along with 2 mugs, and another one that didn't break. i stood there stunned and my mind reeling. it struck me heavily that in a second something went from being to broken. i love that cake stand. i bought it at the sally ann with beckie for 10 dollars! it was such an awesome steal! i was so happy and every time i've used it i've felt so thrilled by it. i knew i'd be very sad if it ever broke. it was awful sweeping it up, and i wondered if the loud shatter woke the girls downstairs. it was really hard. and especially so because i don't know if or where i could get another one. i loved that stand - well at least as much as one can love an inanimate object. it was so lovely and beautiful.

if anyone see's another for sale some place please let me know. this is generally what it looked like. maybe if you see one for less than 20 bux pick it up for me and i'd pay you back :(

do you think it would be possible to order one online? do you think it would break in the mail??

oh man, this sucks.

thankfully i'm not too upset. i'm just super disappointed. i have my head screwed up straight enough to know that it's ok, that it's crappy but not earth shattering. there was part of me that wanted to just start crying as i stood amongst all the glass, but i didn't. i wasn't THAT attached to it. when things like that happen i try to tell myself that it can be replaced. i hate the idea of living in a replaceable world, but when it comes to things like that there's no sense in dwelling on it when if i just replace it then i can continue on and hardly miss a beat. deep down i feel like i always knew it was going to break. my things break a lot. i don't know if my things break more often than other people's but in general my kitchenwares have an expiry date. is it that i'm not careful enough? or do i leave things in precarious situations? i do recognize that had i cleaned it last night and put it away in it's proper place that wouldn't have happened. oh well. there's no sense dwelling on it.

there's a lot to be said for leaving things unspoken of.

fry

discrimination makes my brain hurt.
i seriously feel numb when i come across it.

like an ice cream headache.
i just don't understand.

warm

in the summer (and when i say summer i mean may-august) my life adjusts to a new pace. i get the chance to exhale and really enjoy a more relaxed schedule. usually. but this year i feel like my life is still moving quickly, and i'm finding myself holding on tight as life is whizzes by. it's hard, and i just want to get off this crazy merry-go-round before i throw up. it's difficult to know how much the wedding is contributing to my state of being. it's not too much to handle, and i'm not overwhelmed by it, but it's probably filling in some of my breathing space. i'm in need of a sabbatical. my sabbath rest.

i've been told by several people, most specifically by sarah, that being engaged is a very special time in one's life. we've felt a range of emotions during the last 2 months, but one thing we haven't done is really bask in this once-in-a-life-time experience. i really want the next 23 days to be fully experienced and fully enjoyed. this is a unique phase and i don't want it to just slip by without fully appreciating it.

so i've decided to go off the grid. not electronically, or even socially. i'm not going to become a recluse or disappear, but i'm going to make the conscious effort to let the month of june just be about our engagement, and let that be my first priority in terms of activities. i'm blowing things wide open. i'm giving myself permission to say no, i'm giving myself a break from regularly scheduled program. the only committments i have will be to casual social gatherings (trips to the brew pub, dinner with friends, catching movies at the screening room) and to wedding tasks. i'm gearing down. i'm changing pace. i'm really excited about this, i think it's important and something i'll be glad i did.

 

it occured to me this morning that i feel a great self-imposed weight on my shoulders. somewhere along the line i've adopted my commitments as my sole responsibility - at least in my head. it's like i feel the world will fall apart if i step back for a little while. i'm finding myself wondering... who will do this? who will do that? so i'm telling myself "breathe, it's ok". i'm not sure where this is coming from, because that kind of self-importance is just the kind of thing i consider frustrating. so in addition to breathing, i'm learning to exercise my trust muscles. it's about accepting team work from my community.

so i'm going to rest. one beautifully sweet nap of the heart. i'll wake up at the end of summer refreshed and smiley. it'll be good.

the moon's behind the moutains, sun's beneath the see.
a cloud that's crazy, you commit to memory.

epost

i'd forgotten how much i like my eye doctor. she's a super nice lady, so friendly and excited. she's just someone i like very much. i haven't been in for an eye appointment since 2004 - after ohip stopped covering eye exams (i still think that's stupid). but thankfully my new health plan at work will cover eye appointments.

doing an eye exam is neat. i like sitting there with the thing on my face deciding which is better lens one or lens two, and so on. i kind of feel like people who don't need glasses are missing out!

on the other hand, when they did the pressure test and blew a puff of air into my eye i was somewhat frightened. i startle easily and sitting there waiting in suspense for the puff of air was a little nerve wracking, and i'd jump with a start when it finally happened. not only was it a pressure test, but also a test of my will power.

my perscription hasn't changed a lot, but my astigmatism has progressed to the point that i could use toric lenses if i want. so she gave me a pair, and i'm wearing them right now. they're doing weird things to my eyes and i don't like it. i can't even describe it. all i can say is that the lower rim is drawing attention to itself. i don't know if they're too big or two small or what. i assume they're in the right spot because toric lenses have weights in them to line them up properly. i'm going to have to call and get some advise or a different kind. i think i'll go back to non-toric lenses.

one exciting thing is that dr beth said that technology has really improved since 2004 and contacts don't get as dried out. which is good because i can feel that my eyes are dry and she could tell just by looking that my right eye is too dry and i didn't even wear my contacts today! so hopefully this advanced technology will improve my eye quality and by extension my quality of life (i often have to go home from places early to take out my contacts).

tell me, am i right to think that there could be nothing better
than making you my bride and slowly growing old together.

kin

brendan stabbed himself in the arm by accident at work. i arrive to pick him up to discover he has a wound in his forearm and needs me to drive him to the hospital. in a very domestic fashion i tell him that i have a cake in the oven and we'll need to stop at home to take it out before going to hotel dieu.

we spent 2 hours there. it was ok. time past fairly fast. when i got bored of reading we played madlibs. we had some good giggles the first time around. but on the second one, it just killed me! i was laughing quite hard when the doctor and resident arrived back in our space. my laughter closely resembled crying, so dr adam was quite concerned, while dr francis asked if we'd been smoking pot. as francis and adam addressed brendan, i hid behind him stiffing my laughs, which only made it seem more funny.

i'd guessed that he'd need 3 stitches. the triage nurse said "a couple". brendan thought that since she's a nurse and i'm a graphic designer that she was probably right with 2. but in the end he only had one. his clothes are covered in blood. the cut itself is only about 1 inch, but it was deep and gushy. this event may very well have convinced him that having a second pair of pants is not a bad idea. without them he's going to have to be all "risky business" around the house tomorrow. watch out rach!

it struck me odd today at the hospital that not only is the word "pants" plural, but we refer to them as a "pair" of pants. they're not a pair of anything. they're one. sure there are two legs, but when would you ever need just one pant, and you can't lose one they're not like a sock or a mitten. it's weird.

the first cut is the deepest.

sliver

this has been a weird day. it's involved a lot of wetness on my face. i actually put on make-up this morning, but you'd never know it because the wetness washed it all away.

however, it ended well. i went out to sipps with melissa. it's been a long while since we hung out and it was super nice to get caught up. it was great. and i rode home on my bicycle with a great sigh of satisfaction. the air felt so lovely making a breeze grazing my skin in the dark.

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation.

barriefield

when brendan was 17 he got his G1, then proceeded to never sit behind a steering wheel. until today.

last week when we did our 5 year financial plan we talked about when we'll need to replace our car. i asked him when he thought he'd get his G2 license and he said "this year". which meant we needed to make some time for him to learn how to drive. my car is standard, and we don't have easy access to an automatic (at least in this part of town). after talking with rach last night at the brew pub, we felt that starting in a standard isn't impossible. so this afternoon we ventured across the street to the memorial centre parking lot for brendan's first lesson. i've taught 4 other people how to drive standard. i'm pretty calm about it and only have one rule "when i tell you to do something, you do it". that's the only area in my life that i insist on my word being law. it's because in that situation it involves protecting lives and property. i always tell people that in advance, so if they're uncomfortable with that rule then we don't have to get in the car together. everyone has been ok with that before, and brendan was too.

within a few minutes i realized that we were truly starting from scratch. it's easy to forget that it's complicated when first learning to drive. it can be hard to explain when people just know how to do something without thinking about it.

b did ok with his first few attempts. i would praise and encourage him the whole way. the only scary experience we had was at around his 3rd attempt to take off (or maybe it was his first time trying to switch into 2nd). he ended up flooring it, the engine roared and we were moving at a quick pace. i grasped the handle on my door while telling him "brake! now!" he was initially confused and thought i meant the hand brake. but did eventually stop the car, then stall the car. it was ok, we spoke calmly to one another and sat yoga breathing for a few minutes. i was a little rattled and so was he. thankfully he quite quickly got the hang of reversing, so he backed up to where we'd begun and tried again. it seemed reversing helped him understand how much pressure should be applied to the gas. so from then on he did quite well.

we drove around and round the parking lot. he did left turns, he did right turns. he stopped. he stalled. he switched gears. the thing that seemed the most difficult for him (aside from the feet thing) was not to turn too far. it felt like he was constantly doing 180º turns instead of 90º. i tried to explain to him that in real life he wouldn't just be driving in a big oval doing u-turns all the time, and asked that he did a complete square of the parking lot instead of a circle. once he mastered that we decided to tackle a neighbourhood. i felt the best place to drive around was the army base. the neighbourhood there is relatively quiet and the roads are long enough that he could move up to 3rd gear. so we switched places and i drove over to fort henry hill. i felt as though he had a new sense of awe for me as i drove. i would dictate to him what i was doing as i drove. when he was back in the driver's seat i was mindful to calmly encourage him while trying to advise him to stay on the road and to keep a safe distance to parked cars. i encouraged him to not have tunnel vision, and coached him about stop signs and signalling. funnily enough we found ourselves in a cul-de-sac, and he triumphantly pointed out that it was a 180º circle – just the kind i'd told him he'd never come across. thankfully because of all his practice he smoked that circle.

eventually he got tired and we called it a day. learning to drive standard can be sensory overload. he did well, and i look forward to our next practice run. i've told him that the next time he gets in the car to drive he'll feel more confident and will likely feel frustrated that some of what he learned today has been forgotten. it's a process and he'll gradually be fully skilled. i also told him that all new standard drivers have at least one stressful and unnerving experience – it's practically a right of passage. everyone has a story about learning to drive a manual car. if new drivers look at it that way they are less discouraged when it happens.

baby you can drive my car.

fit

this is my FAVOURITE picture of a cow.... EVER!!

awww. look at her.

she looks so bashful.
awwww.

vinyl

being 3,225 days older than my fianceé can be hard when it comes to social gatherings. like the one currently taking place in my backyard. brendan's friend from high school moved in to the apartment below me. a group of them decided to get together for a dinner party this evening. i was shy at the thought of it, but i really wanted to be a good partner – to go and be pleasant, social, smile and laugh a lot. but they're so little and young, and i found myself afraid of their inspecting eyes. they don't struggle with their weight or have difficult days at work in their cubicle. it's easy for me to project upon them what i think they'll think of brendan's older woman. for me to imagine awkwardly sitting thru them recalling memories and teachers they all once knew, but i didn't. i'm old enough to have been their teachers. i was feeling apprehensive about this dinner party. i was trying to tell myself that the age thing was just something i'm hiding behind, maybe it is. but there's an art to helping others feel included that comes with age, and i don't expect that's a skill they've yet acquired. so as everyone gathered below, brendan and i gathered upstairs with me in tears trying to build the courage to go socialize with strangers. in spite of myself and my 10 years of adulthood i haven't been able to shake my shyness. i recoil into myself. thankfully b was very supportive. something flicked in his mind and he completely understood where i was coming from. i think next time we'll be able to approach things better. together.

i do it just because i want to.

avoid

my balcony in the summer time is my favourite place to be in the whole world. now that i've got my garden planned and some new triangle cushions, i just want to be out there all the time. the kitties love the balcony too. whenever i take them inside because i'm going out someplace, honey makes this moany cry because she knows that she's being displaced from her favourite spot. seeing a kitty sleeping in the sun is probably the picture of contentment.

this weekend i started reading the time traveler's wife. i love it. i wish i was reading in the sun at this very moment.

i arrived this morning to discover they've introduced an organic waste bin by the coffee station. from where i sit i can here people talking about it. some are confused, some are annoyed, some are negative. i can't fathom what's so hard to understand about organic waste. it's compost people. you put compostable waste in it. i don't know if they're trying to be resistant on purpose or if it's truly a foreign concept to them. we've been composting in my family since the 80s and i've assumed everyone did. could it be that these upper-middle class suits don't understand compost waste? how sad.

come on and save me.

return

this evening i was sitting watching one of the lame-ass movies i rented last night (post grad. not very good. i don't suggest it), and happened to glance out the window to see a laundry line hooked up for me in the backyard!! i didn't realize this, but my landlord had come by last weekend while i was away and hooked it up for me. i was super excited, and THANKFULLY i had a load of laundry in the washing machine waiting to be hung up! i instantly got out there at my european swinging window and hung up my wet items. it's fantastic!!! i assume it's ok to leave my stuff out there overnight. it's too high for people to reach, it's not supposed to rain tonight. i've just never dried anything solely on a laundry line before. i'm pretty excited. so much so that i got back to my half started clothes peg bag. i bought an orange sweater at value village about a month ago and felted it in the washing machine. i've been meaning to get around to making the bag, but wasn't motivated because i didn't have a line yet. so i watched a documentary about Helvetica (i love design) while snipping and sewing. it turned out awesome. i'm super pleased. my internet has been finicky lately, so i won't upload a picture of that. you'll just have to see it next time you're here.

i find it interesting when i see people eyeing my engagement ring. sometimes they'll mention it casually, other times they won't at all. it always reminds me that engagement rings carry some weight in our society, more than anything else i've ever worn before.

you look like a perfect fit
for a girl in need of a tourniquet.

slow

today went fast and i got none of my chores done :S i slept terribly and was suffering with allergy symptoms. i took 3 24-hour pills over 15 hours. but i've concluded it's a cold. it sucks. i feel like crap. i hate that it's taken one of the days of my holiday already. argh!

i went dress shopping with shannon for her wedding dress. i felt totally spaced out and drugged. it occurred to me that i probably felt drugged because i WAS drugged. oh well. our shopping expedient wasn't great. the sales lady wouldn't leave us to just look on our own, and it was REALLY annoying and frustrating. we'd envisioned being silly and making fun of ugly dresses, but she was on us like white on rice so we had to be behaved. afterward we went to cynthia's sex shop. it's funny how comfortable i was in there now that i'm engaged. before i would've just felt like a pervert. that being said... it was not my cup of tea and probably won't ever venture into a sex store again.

shanno and i sat in confed basin eating ice cream cones. while we were there we saw a wedding party (or at least the grooms side) getting their photos taken. we sat watching them. i was also surprised that i didn't find them annoying, before they would've made me groan and look away. things change i guess.

b is in ottawa, and tomorrow he'll be in montreal. he's playing a few shows with his pseudo-band. i'm enjoying the time on my own, except i unwittingly rented 5 movies from classic. i don't know what i was thinking. i'm just a space cadet today, that's the only explanation i have. i didn't even make it thru the one i planned to watch tonight. i feel sore all over from exhaustion so i think i'll get into bed pronto.

this morning before he went to work we did our premarital counseling homework. we were instructed to come up with a 5 year financial plan. it worked out pretty well, and was kind of fun. we've decided to buy a house in 2015, and to have a baby in 2014. we picked those dates independently of each other. when we realized it means we'll be living in the maxi pad with an infant we considered reversing it, but there's no great need to change it. we'll just convert my walk-in closet into a baby room. there's enough space in there for a crib. hahaha. i'm kind of excited about our resourcefulness. i believe in making do instead of upgrading before we're able.

it seems it's summer. i think i'll wear my nighty to bed.

i'm just sitting here, wasting my time
'til you come home,
from your escapades
in the backyards,
with your friends of late.

i'd be worried if you didn't do this every spring,
when the grass grows,
and there's birds in trees,
and the sun shines,
and you don't need me.

homonym

it seems i've acquired another carpooler. this one is also tall and student, but he talks significantly less and doesn't give me gas money :S

i was thinking today about phases of life. i liked my train of thought. it seems there's some kind of unwritten agenda set up by society. you do this then, you do that after this, and so on. but i've kind of concluded that it doesn't really matter. life phases are a sliding scale, kind of like a trombone. some people want to play this note fully before they slide onto the next. other people linger for only a short time. still others skip this note completely. i think that's where the balance of life comes from. we're all making different sounds at different times. i feel as though the next time i find myself in a situation where i'm talking to someone who's struggling with their life phase, i'll think of the notes. and how it's ok that we're all playing a different part of the same tune. there's really no rule about how fast we play, as long as we're joining in. i don't know if this is making any sense, but when i look at my life i see it in clear and defined segments. i'm ok with the tune i'm playing, and the cord he's strumming, and the note she's singing. we're all different. different notes for different folks. and it's all the same in the end anyways.

maybe i don't really want to know how your garden grows,
i just want to fly.

racoon

there is seriously a film debuting in theatres today called "leslie, my name is evil". my name is rarely used in pop culture, it's sucky that on one of those rare ocassions it's being juxtaposed with evil :S

so... in approximately 35 days brendan is moving into the maxipad. during most of his time at the house famous they did not own a television. due to an overwhelming compulsion he has to watch it and allow it to take over his life, he has quite strong opinions about not having a tv. when we reached the point of knowing that we were going to spend the rest of our lives with each other i says to him "we're going to have to have a conversation about the tv" and he strongly agreed. he presented his case, and i counted with my point of view. which is... you can't simply put the blame on the tv set. many people who don't own tvs still watch tv shows on the internet. that seems to give them the chance to still watch their favourite shows while still technically doing without a tv. that's all well and good, but it's somewhat impractical when having guests over for a movie, or even watching as a two-some. so our final verdict was to keep the television, but lose the cable. when we eventually have a bigger home and in the market for newer furniture we'll buy a large unit to house the box so we don't have to look at it when it's not in use. we're both pretty pleased with that decision, collaborating generally leads to the best end result. so anyways... this next month will be my last month without cable tv, 'so long old friend, i wonder if i'll miss you'. i wonder if when we're old if b will concede and want a few more channels. only time will tell.

hey... thinking of when we're old... have i ever told you how old brendan is?? he's 21. i'm 8 years and 10 months older than my future husband. i think it's funny now, and forget that it's really weird to people just learning this fact about him/us. at this point i just shrug off people's judgment about it, because b's not your typical 21 year old, nor am i your typical 30 year old. anyone who knows us understands. besides, it keeps things pretty interesting because we grew up in totally different generations. the weird thing about our culture is that if b was 30 and i was 21 people wouldn't think much of it. i often wonder about this discrepancy, and about why even i found it weird at first. it took almost 2 months between our first and second date before i was able to overlook the gap. but really... what's age other than a number indicating how long you've been alive?!?!? i have more life experience than him, and he has much more hope and optimism than i do. i think those differences are huge benefits, just like different personalities are assets. that being said... b's age is one of the biggest reasons why we don't want to have kids for a while. i'm hoping we won't have kids until he's 26 and i'm 34/35, that seems like a reasonable age for both of us. anyways, this age thing is an amusing coincidence because i once wrote a blog entry about how i'm perfectly ok with marrying a significantly younger man. haha.

even at the swiftest speed, we couldn't break from the concrete.

track

i'm feeling a fresh wave of baby-phobia. i picked up my diaphragm from the pharmacy yesterday. there's some confusion surrounding the products to use with it, and i was suddenly seized with the fear and reality that if this diaphragm fails me/us, we could end up with an unplanned pregnancy in our first year of marriage. i really really really really really DON'T want a baby for a while - several years. i'm quite disillusioned and feel like babies ruin peoples lives, friendships, and marriages. that being said, i can think of a handful of people who rock the baby-thing pretty well, i see them as a beacon of light amongst the sea of paralyzed parents. i try my best to be understanding and supportive to people with youngins, but from the outside looking in it seems to me they make their lives unnecessarily hard. i attend a church full of families (which i was very much reminded of during our weekend retreat), i would like to be the token "married couple with no kids" for a long while. thankfully i read in my pamphlet that if used correctly the chance of pregnancy is 6%, which is really good! i'm just afraid that i don't have it on right, because it was just so easy to put in. does that just mean it's simple or that it's wrong!?!? i don't know! brendan and i are going to name our diaphragm. i noticed yesterday the manufacturers name is milex, so i suggested to him "miles", but he said that would be an insult to one of his greatest music heros - miles davis. i'll try to have a healthy amount of baby fear, it will help me be dedicated to using proper protection, while not overwhelming me. i know that once people have babies they usually really like them, but we know enough people who've struggled with parenthood to know it's not something we want for a many years. we like our life.

this evening we're helping collect for the food blitz for the food drive. i always really enjoy it and the weather is supposed to be great! i'm looking forward to it. and to seeing the butlers too!

something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end.

sunset

sometimes pms and stupid wedding stuff causes me to cry in my cubicle. that's the worst. it's fine, everything is working out great, it's just the relational issues that arrive (with people other than b). i will not miss that part of being engaged.

i've decided to really take my desire for weight-loss far more seriously, because being lazy about it is having the opposite affect. i'm a real snacker, and it must stop. so i've scheduled snack times for myself, and made myself nice healthy small meals. for my snacks i'm only permitting healthy snacks so i made myself some apple sauce from scratch this evening. i'm excited about eating it. the cinnamon came out much more ferociously than i'd anticipated, so it's a slighter browner hue that i'd expected. but it tastes good, i like cinnamon. i agree with jerry seinfeld when he said that cinnamon is the secret ingredient in most tastey foods.

this evening i went for a good long run around the new track at the m centre. then made the artwork for b and my mixed cd. we're giving away buttons and mixed cds for our party favours. it looks great. i'm very pleased. i'm pretty excited about this, i think they're the perfect give-aways for our wedding.

i know i'm right,
for the first time in my life.

summer

*sigh* i'm home.

i didn't have time to tell yas, but i was away all weekend at a next church retreat. it went pretty well. i felt overwhelmed at the beginning, having worked all week, but it turned out really great. i shared a cabin with joanne and shannon (plus a few other girls providing child care) we called our women's dorms "the red tent" as we were the only unwed women. it was fun. i told joanne that i will join her in the women's dorms again next time. it's fun having girl time and sleep-overs. i hope to never loose that.

we'll guard each one's dignity and save each one's pride.

dogs

yesterday shannon took me to the park and we had a picnic. it was super. i haven't had a picnic since 1997. i really should do that more often. she made a really delicious spread and we sat under a tree looking out over the water. in another area of the park there was a native drum circle, which was an unusual addition to our time there. then out of the blue shannon asked me to be the best woman at her wedding! hooray! i thought she was going to ask me, but they've been engaged for over a month and they'd asked everyone else, so i thought i'd been left off the roster. but no! she was just waiting for the right moment. this is going to be so fun. and guess what?? brendan is also in the wedding - he's one of the bridesmen. andrew and shannon are not allocating their wedding party by gender. instead they're having all of andrew's siblings stand on his side, and she's having her people stand on her side. brendan feels very honoured, we both do really.

AND

last week when i was out with meg for tea, she asked me to be in her wedding party as well! and brendan is too. ben and meg are having all their siblings in their wedding party, which includes me as i will be brendan's wife by then :) we're looking forward to that wedding a whole bunch.

the funny thing is that shannon and megan's weddings are on two consecutive weekends in september. thankfully they'll be very different events so they will be uniquely enjoyable. i think both will be very fun and i'm looking forward to them. i MIGHT be able to wear the same dress, maybe. but on the other hand, i don't own many dresses so it might be a good idea to expand my wardrobe a little. then i'll have more to choose from for christmas parties and other special outings - such as melissa's wedding in october! weddings weddings everywhere.

traditionally i have not liked weddings. bleck! but meg told me that she started to like weddings after having a partner to attend them with. i think she might be on to something. i wonder how i would feel at this point to attend a wedding. i kind of wish i could go to one before ours, but ours is the next one on the docket (44 days!). i think it'll feel really different attending a wedding as a married couple.

my latest hurdle is that my plan regarding table cloths has fallen thru. so i'm having to move on to plan B :S t'is ok though. i'm just rolling. rolling with the punches and it'll be fine :)

i'm sitting peeling susanne's oranges.

shower

so lady who bought the dishwasher called me this afternoon and demanded her money back. i was quite distressed about that, because i did not want the dishwasher back and feared i'd never be free from it. i was quite upset and angry. but i agreed, b and i went to pick it up and i handed back her $80. then we drove directly to value village, and dropped it off there. i couldn't bear the thought of going thru that again, it just wasn't worth it. i like the easy route when at all possible. consequently, i don't think i'll be very eager to try kijiji again any time soon. i'm glad to have it all behind me.

b and i spent this evening making our wedding mix cd. it turned out good. then i cut his hair and now it's bed time. i'm getting quite good at haircuts. now i'm quite sleepy, i think i'll savour the splendor of sleep this evening.

come on, eat your heart out.

insides

it's been a long while since i wrote. i don't like that. i quite enjoy having my life documented, i often look back in my old entries to double check when this or that happened.

the weekend was full. saturday involved brendan being abducted by my dad for a chunk of the afternoon. i was all worried what they were up to and concerned because b had to go to work. meanwhile, he was experiencing untapped parts of my childhood and having a good time while doing so. sunday we joined my family for mother's day lunch, helped cook, serve and clean at special meals, then saw "the girl with the dragon tattoo" at the screening room - it was good, but quite disturbing just as the book is. yesterday i took a sick day, and spent most of the day in bed. i'm feeling much better today.

my thing for the month of may that i've never done before is... sell something on kijiji. i sold my countertop dishwasher. i got 80 bux for it, which is pretty good. the new owner was a little overwhelmed by it's size, she thought it would be smaller. i hope they don't regret buying it, i'd hate to make other's people's lives more difficult. i'm also selling my twin headboard for $15. i'm kind of in a nesting phase at the moment. i'm purging a lot of stuff to make room for brendan's things. it feels good getting rid of stuff i haven't used in half a decade. my back porch is so much less cluttered, i'm very grateful. my next task is the wardrobe and cupboards on the porch. i think i'm better utilizing my space. OH! and i got the back swinging window unstuck so now i'll be able to use the laundry line when my landlord installs one. hooray!

i'm finally feeling excited about our wedding. before it hadn't sunken in yet, then i felt overwhelmed and stressed, but i'm finally really looking forward to it. things are coming together and i'm counting down the days! 46 days to go! i think it'll be a fun event. plus, i'm really looking forward to living with b and to our trip to cambodia, and unfolding our life together. yesterday we did our banking together for the first time. it was pretty easy and straightforward. however, that's probably because we had enough money to cover our expenses, had we been short on funds it probably would've been much more stressful. so ya, wedding planing are becoming more straightforward. we wanted to invite everyone from next, but it was wasn't realistic. we already had a guest list of 140 people plus kids, so we had to let go of the notion of inviting everyone, which was hard because we want to be inclusive. we're hoping that the final number will be around 100-120. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that 1/4 of the people can't make it, right now we stand at 68 accepts and 14 declines. it's not that we don't want specific people not to come, but we don't want it to be really big or crowded. i'm excited! i think it's gonna be fun!

you saw her in the morning and her feet were bare.

prescribe

brendan and i found our wedding rings on etsy.com we decided on some concave titanium rings. they were custom made upon our order. when we sent in our request we were very specific about the ring size because the ring maker said that titanium cannot be resized. so we ordered me a size 5, and brendan a size 8 based on the ring size finder available on the site. they arrived this afternoon much to my delight. we sat together on the front balcony and opened our package, unwrapped them and slipped them on. they look great! however, there's one big problem. brendan's is frickin' huge! we were puzzled by that and a little worried because it can't be resized. but i dug out the size finder, and discovered they sent us a size 12! i don't know how that happened! thankfully, it only took them a week to receive our order, make them and mail them to us from utah. i emailed the lady and she's willing to exchange it, b just needs to double check the size at a jewelers so we don't get a second wrong size. besides that, we're very pleased, i've been wearing mine all evening ;) here's a picture of the set:


sailing heart-ships thru broken harbors
out on the waves in the night.

shell

i don't care if that tree did love him, that boy was a jerk! 

if you are a dreamer,
come in.
if you are a dreamer,
a wisher, a liar,
a hope-er, a pray-er
a magic bean-buyer.

monk's blend

have you ever thought about how sometimes good things are bad, or bad things good? a circumstance or decision might be very favourable for one person, but screw someone else over in the meantime. i've always thought that the best decisions have the best outcome for everyone. but i find myself considering if life actually works that way. maybe it's just that sometimes it takes a long time to see the good, and perhaps there are times when we never do. this makes it hard to make decisions. i'm a firm believer in my circumstances pointing the way, i wonder just how trustworthy they are. maybe it's a question of what our definition is of "good" or just how far-sighted we are. i guess it doesn't hurt to work for the good of everyone, it might not be always possible but worth working towards.

it's nothing you would ever understand.

stow

it's been a good weekend. there were a lot of hurdles, but in a way that makes it more satisfying. b's move went fairly smoothly, except, his box of mugs fell to the ground and they broke. he loves his mugs, so i was really sad for him. we're going to try and fix them.

andrew and shannon's move was not so smooth. first there was major pressure from lawyers to get out of the house, the new place wasn't ready when they expected, when they got access the carpet cleaner arrived and it took 6 hours to dry, then we were short-handed, and there were a ton of stairs. it was pretty intense, but we managed. my favourite part was sitting all together on the bench eating ice cream afterward.

today was good. we did the last of a+s's moving, then b and i did some unpacking at the erbs. we took a crazy long nap at my house, then drove out to the west-end for a box of cereal. yesterday (during my moving break, and before b left for ottawa) we rearranged my room to accommodate the new double bed. i'm really digging my new arrangement. i've never had my desk in this corner of the room before, i really like it :D

when we were on our cereal-run, we got talking about something devona said the other day. she told us "marriage is the most difficult things you'll ever do in life. it's also the greatest joy". we know that marriage is hard – both because we come from broken homes, but also because people don't hesitate to frankly talk about the hard side of marriage. we appreciate the warnings, and i don't think we're naive. however... we do wish that people were more specific. i've heard it said that the first year of marriage is one of the hardest, but no one has ever explained why. i wish people could tell us how. it won't change anything, but i'd really like to understand what makes it hard. at this point... all i can think is that brendan's my best friend and i'm looking forward to spending my life with him as my partner, how is that difficult? i'm not saying it won't be, because i believe everyone when they say it's hard. i just wish i had a better understanding of how these difficulties will manifest themselves. we have our fair share of disagreements, and we can get on each other's nerves, but we're also pretty good at resolving those things. and will get even better with devona's help. i dunno. i just keep thinking of the time when brendan said "i know that it's going to be hard, but all i can think is that i'm going to be going thru those things with lesley! so even at it's worst, it's not so bad". maybe we are naive, but we're prepared, we just don't know what's coming our way. so we move forward with eyes wide open, ready for face things together.

pretty eyed,
pirate smile,
you'll marry a music man.

cover

it's 7:30 in the morning on a saturday, and i've just dragged myself out of bed.

it's been a full few days. i haven't even had time to check my email. my colleagues from europe were here for 2 days of meetings, it was good, but taxing on my attention span. on thursday evening we went to aquaterra for dinner, then i met up with jill and her friend kelly for a cup of tea. i was pretty exhausted, and ate way too much that day.

yesterday was day two of meetings. after which b and i had our first pre-marital counseling session with devona. she said that since both of us came from divorced families that it's crucial that we do this counseling, and i think she's right. she was a very affirming person is every way. which i really liked. i really like affirmation, it makes me unfold like a flower. our first session heavily focused on myers-briggs, and how that affects our interactions. it was very revelatory. we have some home work to do on that before we see her again. it was very good.

after that we had dinner at grecos (i really wanted copper penny, but it was jam packed), then began the process of moving. andrew and shannon move into their new apartment on princess today and b is moving to the erbs place. the idea was to get most of brendan's stuff taken care of last night so that we're free to help a+s. they're in a tight spot because the old landlord wants them out by noon, but can't move into the new place until after 6. so we're taking everything to next during the afternoon purgatory. we did well with b's things. we took all the things he wouldn't need at the erbs here (it's all on the back porch waiting to be sorted out), and the things he doesn't need we left on the lawn with a 'free' sign. hopefully it's gone by now. we moved the big double bed to my place, and he'll take my single bed to the erbs for the next 2 months. my days of single bed sleeping are over, it's bitter sweet – i liked my twin bed, my new double is less padded and it takes up more space.

it's going to be a full day. i should go get in the shower.

pack your clothes and your guitar.