extract

i have many soundtracks to my life. songs, albums, bands that symbolize a time in my life. rock plaza central is the soundtrack of falling in love with brendan.

anyways...

my sister and i are very different in a lot of ways. our relationship could probably be described as tense, which isn't necessarily bad, but rather a precise dance. tension is a bit of a doubled-edged sword because it can bring strength and security – like on a tightrope for example. joy is a person of strong faith. she believes with the full intensity of her conviction. hope unswervingly. and say what you will, that has never failed her. there has been times when the tension of our relationship has been hard because the confidence of her faith has frustrated me. oh, me of little faith, who at times looks at her complete trust with cynicism. truth be told, sometimes i've been angry that her faith never wavers because she's never been let down. things always work out exactly as she plans. she's also someone who is incredibly grateful. she knows that she is fortunate.

tonight as we drove home from our thanksgiving feast i thought to myself that maybe it would do me good to trust fully like joy does. to believe that everything will work out and not waste time worrying about the what-ifs. i'd like to exchange my 30% hope (ok, maybe it's more like 10-30% hope) for 100%. i have no reason not to believe everything is going to be ok. because so far so good. and if three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, i'd focused on my hope rather than bracing myself for the worst, i probably could've saved myself a lot of tears and sorrow. i suspect that hope would've fueled me rather than experiencing the drain of discouragement.

i wonder if a person can choose to be hopeful, or if it's either part of their make-up or isn't. well... i'm gonna try to choose hope. it's scary. i always try to brace myself for let down, so it's kind of counter-intuitive for me to let go. but like i said... so far so good. i think i can step on that glass floor and trust it's not going to give out from under me. even though it defies logic.

i'll give you all that i've got
and lay it all on the line.

locomotive

lately i've noticed that people laugh when i'm not joking. i say something with complete seriousness but people laugh because they find it funny. it's not bad. i know they're not laughing at me, and that it's probably a sign that they enjoy my company. i suppose that somethings are funny, even when they're true - sometimes BECAUSE it's true. i remember talking with my mom years ago and she remarked that i'm funny because i tell a good story. i'm not particularly a jokey person who can say a well-timed zinger, but i tell a story in a humorous way. maybe that's all it is. why i make people laugh when i'm being serious.

lately koe-koe has been super cuddly. he laid on the couch with me the other night for a long while and didn't even squirm or try to bite me. then that night he laid beside me in bed when i was going to sleep. i like it. it reminds me a little of having a dog. i don't know if this will be a new normal for him or he was just in need of some company just then.

 

wanderin' aimless - or so it seems.

superwoman

the website apartment therapy regularly amazes me. the other day it had instructions on how to clean your house in 20 minutes for 30 days. it provided a list of 30 days for what you should clean and how much cleaning (surface cleaning vs deep cleaning, etc). so i wrote it them down on the calendar and have commited to completing these tasks over the next month and a half (i excluded weekends so it went into november). i really like this plan and hope i can adopt it. i've definitely tried in the past to impliment small amounts of cleaning into my regular routine only to fall out of sync. i need a bit more structure than i myself can provide. the biggest problem i had is after about 3 days or so, i'd 'run out' (if in actuality or my imagination i'm not sure) of things to clean. i like that this list helps me think of things i never would've before. i'm very pleased. last night i got a lot done - with putting away my laundry (approx. 2.5 weeks after washing it), working on the shed and completing yesterday's 20 minute task of surface cleaning the living room and kitchen. not too shabby. the house already looks remarkably tidier and the tidiness makes it feel stress-free.

my early start to the morning gave me a glimpse of a small rainbow. it was nice. it surprised me because it hadn't even rained last night, but maybe that just makes it extra special.

 

where is your bird tattoo,

send me your blue hat.

dense

some days you take your car in for preemptive maintenance to then be told it needs $1,800 worth of work.

some days the sun shines while you're indoors.

some days you start assembling your new shed only to find it doesn't take the 7 hours you were told it would take, rather 9 to 10 hours.

some days love is not enough to repair what was long ago broken.

some days cups of tea just don't taste the same as they used to.

some days you just have to keep on waiting.

some days you've just got to weigh the options

some days you have to remind yourself that a car repair is still cheaper then a year of car payments.

some days the thought of menial household chores is very appealing.

some nights you dream your hopes and your worries.

some nights you spoon.

sometimes complaining about something takes longer then just getting the something over with.

my trouble is

my troubles aren't real.

dusting

i was telling andrew and shannon the other day that i feel a need to change my wardrobe. i have too many samey-cotton shirts. last year i started buying wool sweaters and i liked that. but this summer i was not happy with my clothes. i think i'll need to do something about that next spring. anyways, i decided that i was overdue for treasure hunting at thrift stores. i'd like to get rid of some of my cottony shirts and replace them with different textures. so i walked over the the sally anne today and totally lucked out! all clothing, linens and shoes were 50% off! so walked away with two hands full of new outfits at the reduced price! PLUS, i got this little glass dessert dome like andrew and shannon have that i'd just recently been thinking we could use something like it. the key to treasure hunting is taking the time to look in EVERY section of the store.

on the way home i popped into coffee way to buy brendan a boston cream donut because he probably wouldn't forgive me for walking past it's front door and bring him a donut.

i must be going. we're about to start assembling out new fancy shed that we got for 10% off! i'm guessing it will take around 3 to 7 hours to complete, and that b and i will communicate poorly at least once. we've named it 'shedrach'.

how do i get there with these old feet?

rejected

i've just had another colleague die! and earlier in the week a colleague's wife died. i hope this completes the series of three and we won't have any more deaths for a while.

yesteday at the wellness fair at work, i got my cholesteral, blood sugar, BMI and blood pressure checked. i was pleased to discover that i'm quite healthy! i was in the right range in each category, which was encouraging. lately i've decided that i need to come up with more creative evening snacks. i'm having to think outside the box because the only two things i remember for having as an evening snack as a kid was chips and raisins. quality and wholesome snacks is not particularly a tradition in my family, before sunday lunch my mom often serves potato chips. with the results from the wellness fair i feel very affirmed to keep working at improving my eating habits and be creative.

sometimes it seems that bands are hit and miss. on one album there might be a handful of stellar songs and a handful of less then stellar songs. i kind of don't like that.

on sunday, living room starts up again. this will be the last year under my leadership. in the spring i had a conversation with rach about her garden, and she was taking this summer off to let her soil rest because it had been seven years. afterwards, i was thinking that living room has been going seven years, and i definitely felt it was time to turn the soil. so i called together some long-term key living roomers with garry and we chatted, but came to no clear conclusion. the summer went on and garry resigned as pastor from next church. after which, i decided i'd give one more year, making it my official final year of leadership and leave the seat open to someone else. i feel good about this decision. i want to finish well and i think having clear expectations is fair for my group mates.

i'm looking forward to this weekend. brendan and i are going to buy and assemble a shed that will take up residence at the end of our driveway. i'm excited about this and did a lot of investigating different sizes and styles. i'm thankful how multifunctional our driveway is. i like that having limited space forces me to be resourceful and not wasteful.

paperbag shoes tied 'round these old feet.

alligator

i stayed home with a headcold today. feeling all congested and such. i haven't had a cold in a long time so i thought it was reasonable for me to lay low so that it goes away faster. it seems to be working. today has involved a lot of sleeping and lying around. soup and a hot shower. i think i'll be well for work tomorrow.

some matters in life are big and intimidating. i've been doing a lot of reflecting on the future, the present, the past. it sometimes makes me feel too little and i don't like it. in some ways it's nice not having any control over how things play out, but in other ways life feels like a roller coaster that whips me around in a frenzy and leaves me feeling motion sick. after much thought and reflecting i've kind of concluded that the best thing i can do is go limp. you know... being tense makes us more likely to get whiplash. instead i'll just let the chips lie... let them lie where they may. this probably makes no sense. i'm totally combining many different thoughts into one paragraph :p

i think i have some cabin fever. i need some stimulation. this evening we're going to andrew and shannon's place for dinner. we've implemented a twice a month dinner date like we had back when b, shannon and andrew all lived together. i'm looking forward to some external conversation.

so let go,
jump in,
whatcha waiting for?

upgrade

maybe it's just me, because i like to listen to songs on repeat, but it's really annoying when a song i like is followed by a song i dislike (or even worse... is super sad). i start to associate them and end up hearing the other more much than i'd like.

this weekend we were up at echo lake camp for the next retreat. it was really fun and memorable. this year my weekend was quite busy with other activities in addition to the retreat. so it required a great deal of juggling, paired with a go-with-the-flow attitude. sometimes we can't know how things are going to play out, so it's best to just roll with it. that makes life much easier, or at least more relaxing.

on friday night, we assembled our tent in the dark - quickly and very unmeticulously. it ended up raining all night, thunder storming at points and sounding like a tornado at other points. last summer at bon echo b and i camped thru a super scary and dangerous thunderstorm. after that, everything else seems like no big deal. or at least it does to me. for brendan, the rain on friday night was really stressful and made him feel panicky. he got next to no sleep and woke me up repeatedly with concern out the water getting inside. at 4 something in the morning i said to him "brendan, what are we going to do about it right now??" that kind of helped and he seemed to resign his concerns to some extent. in hindsight, i learned that b isn't at his best outside his regular routine or in undesirable circumstances. and i learned that i'm fairly rugged and less easily phased. when facing an unpleasant situation with no alternative options, i just make the best of it.

we spent the next day with no place to lay our heads and not really worrying about it. at around midnight when we arrived back at camp from a kathleen edwards concert in kingston, we ended up taking our sleeping mats and sleeping bags into the unused tuck shop and slept in the small space between the wall and the chest freezer. it was perfectly adaquate and we slept very well.

i took a nice long walk by myself to classic video last night in the dark. it was lovely and reminded me that i need to walk alone more often after sunset. it's very condusive to thought. i was reflecting on the weekend and thought a little about an observation bren made. she told me "you interact with babies like they're people". at first i didn't really understand what she was talking about, because obviously they are people. but she said most people are drawn to picking up babies and cuddling babies the same way they do with puppies. as things to be cuddled. i think she's right. i feel no more desire to cuddle a baby then i do to cuddle their parents.

 

we got nothing to lose.

wheelie

this has been a bit of a bittersweet week. it's been sad with the loss of david, but happy with brendan's new job. i got more good news today. i got promoted! this has been in the works for a little while, but it came thru quicker than i expected. i was hoping it would be official by christmas, but i was offered the new contract today. i'm very pleased. my new title will be 'communications coordinator'. i was hoping for communications specialist because it implies that what i do is specialized, but HR has weird rules about these things, so communications coordinator it is. it's a step in the right direction. in fact, it's several.

i'm very excited because there's been a few things i've been waiting to do until my promotion was finalized. first... there's a new rattling sound on the car that should be looked at. second... we need a shed for our bikes, the wagon and such. thankfully it's the time of year when things like sheds are going on sale, so i've seen several significantly marked down.

so it turns out that my sore throat the other day was not a cold, but acid reflux. this has happened a few times this year. it's made my voice all scratchy. b says i sound like an old man who's a smoker.

now that it's getting colder, darker and wetter outsider, i'm losing my momentum with jogging. maybe i'll just be an april to october jogger. it's disappointing because my legs were starting to get muscular and that's already disappearing. this is the downside to exercising outdoors.

 

today we say good-bye to david. the flags have been at half-mast all week. bittersweet.

 

i will miss your heart so tender.

bend

i've just found out that my friend and colleague david ferrence died suddenly.

 

i'm so sad. david was this quirky old man, who saw himself as quite the lady's man, even though he wasn't. instead, he was kind and intelligent and good conversation. i miss him a lot already. i don't have a lot of people at work who i consider my friends, but david was one of them. i even invited him to my wedding and he came.

 

he was 70 years old. he'd come by my cubical and we'd google stuff together. things like cranberries and the prairies. we'd talk about books, home-improvements and share bits and pieces from our lives. i went to his house for dinner once, back when april and mayelin were still around. the three of us got giggling when we saw in the dining room a bottle of "motion lotion", but never asked him about it. he lived on portsmouth, in a lovely little white house. i point it out to brendan each time we drive past that he now knows without my telling him.

 

ferrence loved smoking with pipes, but had given it up years ago because it's bad for your health. he was a sloppy dresser, but it didn't matter. man, i'm going to miss him. i'll think of him all my life. he might actually be my first friend to die. my first loss of a friend. i hope he knew that i enjoyed his company. i don't feel we're done yet. we there's still so many conversations yet to be had. i wish i could've hugged him and said good-bye. but i guess sometimes we don't get that opportunity. so instead of a period at the end of a sentence, my time with david ends with an ellipsis...

montage

i haven't been adjusting to being back in my home time zone. It's been taking forever for me to fall asleep and it's super hard to get up in the morning. plus, i have a mildly sore throat. i wonder if it would be a cold if it wasn't for my multivitamins. i used to get colds every two months, then emma told me to start taking multivitamins and i haven't had a cold since last november or december. that said, i don't really like the lingering pre-cold i've got going on right now. i'd prefer to either have a cold or not.

so brendan got a job! he wasn't even looking. i can't remember if i wrote much about his job search in may. it was a stressful time for us and one that made me frustrated and disillusioned. however, after about 3 or 4 weeks of that, we switched gears. sometimes actively waiting for something makes it that much more apparent that it hasn't arrived yet. so i figured we just needed a distraction. b needed to find a new routine and if a job came along then great, if not that's fine too. so he spent the summer at rustle, helping to run the store and such. it was a very enriching experience for him and he enjoyed himself very much. then, at the end of the summer his teacher sent him a job posting and told him to apply for it. he was pretty reluctant after having had such a negative time job search in the spring, but after his teacher sent it to him the second time urging him to call, he did and everything has gone smoothly since then. it's funny sometimes how certain things just feel right from the get-go. anyways, he'll be co-facilitating a PAR group (partner assault response) over a 16 week program. i'm super proud of him. this next semester is going to be saturated with social work experiences, i'm sure it will be extremely beneficial and rewarding too.

i don't consider myself a controlling person (but who knows, most controlling people don't). instead i struggle because i frequently dream up a scenario that i think is perfect and have become disappointed when it doesn't work out that way. however, once i've adjusted to that disappointed i'm a-ok with the change. thankfully i've enjoyed many great surprises so i've grown to be quite open to different possibilities. usually my day dreams are based on the current possibilities and how i imagine things unfolding. these day dreams changed as the circumstances change. i've actually found that life is much more interesting and exciting when things don't go according to plan. had brendan got the job i'd hoped he'd get at the end of april we wouldn't have had the valuable and enriching summer we did have. where we let go, we just rolled with it, we made the most of the circumstances, and we learned to trust that everything was going to be ok.

 

we all do what we can.

cold feet

you know those times in high school math when you thought you'd never need to know *this* in real life?? well... i need to figure out the length of one side of a triangle based on the lengths of the other two sides. i seem to recall this was my preferred kind of high school math, but it's a lot less simple than i remember it. i actually resorted to drawing the triangle, then measuring the side, but it's not at all the same results as i get using math. hmph.

 

i'm on a losing streak.

*sigh*

I'm in t.o. I'm actually walking while typing because I don't wanna sit down again after a longish flight. For the first time ever, I'm not looking forward to another trip. I just wanna be home for a while. I better understand why my colleagues complain about traveling so much. I miss home. I miss my partner. I miss my friends.

I remember Sarah saying once that places visited are made special by the people they're shared with. My feeling right now is that calgary was just ok. My experience may have been different if shared. However, I've travelled alone enough times to know that it's not just my companions that make an experience enjoyable. It often has to do. With how alive it made me feel. If it broke me from a rut. That did not happen. Probably because I wasn't in need of a lift.

I'm back at work tomorrow. I have two lieu days from last weekend that I'll use later.

Blah. I'll bet you that this next flight - although only an hour - will feel longer than my last four hour flight.

Sent from my iPod

Stampede

I woke up this morning at 4:30. I stayed in bed til 6:45, then got up for a jog. It was the perfect temperature and I enjoyed getting to see more of the city. Afterwards, I went swimming in the hotel pool. All this before 9 am! It's been relaxing and fun, but also a little boring. I'm sure tomorrow will be more busy after the event opens tonight.

Sent from my iPod

Palliser

So I've arrived in Calgary and sending you a message from my iPod. It automatically adds caps to words. It's weird.

My flight was good. I watched 'take this waltz', which I've been interested in seeing. It was a little sad. It really struck me that people don't have to be unhappy to have an afraid, just growing apart from boredom. I know there are some who think it's silly to have boundaries in the bathroom with partners. But as demonstrated in that movie, other people can seem more appealing when they've never peed with you in the room (or vise versa). It's important to keep things fresh. While I miss Brendan already, it's probably good that we get to be apart every once and awhile, it makes coming back together that much more lovely.

Calgary is not what I excepted. It's still on the prairies and very flat. Plus, there's almost no trees. However, to the west there are some hills. When I imagine it covered in snow it looks a lot like iqaluit.

I've got to go. Marilyn and I are going over to the convention centre to see how set-up is going.

Sent from my iPod

dawn

i'm no expert, but it seems to me that my cats used my backpack as a litter box. this makes no sense to me, but my backpack reeks. i was about to pack for calgary, but that has been delayed. i'm so grossed out. it's not even like it smells a little bit, it smells a lot. the worse thing about cat pee is that it lingers for hours in your nose. my cats have never peed any where other than the litter box so this is really puzzling.

since i have no other options, i've put it in the washing machine hoping this will rid it of the scent and that it will dry out in time. i'm not completely confident that it won't end up damaging my backpack in the process, but there's no way it would be usable otherwise. i suppose mec backpacks have seen many a gross incident over time, and this is probably not the first time someone's tried running it thru the laundry.

yuck. my hands even smell.

oh, the wind, the wind is blowing.

spots

brendan and i have been really into angry birds lately. i downloaded it shortly after i got my ipod. it's super fun. we sit together taking turns - three each, then switch. it works really well. my favourite bird is the yellow triangle. he's has the most personality and seems to be the most angry. i guess the best word for him is assertive.

being a fan of the original nintendo, i've been pleasantly surprised to find that angry birds has done without all the things about super mario brothers that i don't like. such as the timer, only having 4 tries before you have to start over, having to start at the very beginning every time you turn it on. it's really a very clever game. with each level you have to figure out the key to strategically taking out all the pigs. it really works my brain! and i'm left feeling good, as though i've accomplished something - even though i haven't. it's fun/relaxing combined with the FEELING of accomplishing something, which i like.

b and i have some boundaries around angry birds. one time i got upset to find out he was playing without me. it was silly, but it felt like if he'd watched the latest episode of our current show without me. i wonder sometimes if it will still hold my interest after we finish the game or if i'll keep playing it. it's not like playing solitaire or something that is different every time. i guess that's why they keep coming out with new versions.

 

there were three of us this morning,
i'm the only one this evening.

apps

pekoe and i have been competing for the best seat in the house. this weekend i took some time to re-arrange furniture and move some things to the basement. i'm really pleased, the living room is much more spacious. i've been telling brendan that we don't need so much seating, but he didn't want to get rid of one of the blue chairs. so i moved one of them down into the foyer and turned it into a sun room. it's so lovely. the kitties sit out there in the sun and when it's my turn i like sitting listening to the wind in the trees. it's just a small difference, but one that really opens up our space. i like that it's always evolving and changing with us. it's funny because technically our place is very small - i regularly hear people complain about their small homes that are larger than ours (especially since we only live in 560 square feet) - but when it's tidy there's loads of space. often when i get up in the night to pee or for a drink of water, i catch a glimpse of our space in the moonlight and am struck once again by how charming it is.

emma submitted my new job profile for re-grading today. i don't know how long this process will take. i'm quite eager to know the outcome since i'm long overdue for a re-assessment. i hope i get at least 2 grades to compensate for forgetting to ask for a promotion in 2009. i don't want to get my hopes up though.

my running is going well. i'm now up to running for 3 minutes and walking for 4. yesterday was my first time. it was ok, even though my body felt heavy and slow. i can feel that my legs are getting stronger and firmer, even though the rest of me seems fairly unchanged. except i felt good when i woke up this morning, slightly more streamline.

i have to admit, leonard cohen is not the best singer. at times his voice strains like someone singing in the shower. but he's quite the poet though.

 

you were famous,

your heart was a legend.

wellington

it's interesting the snap shots that people remember. often times someone's words will impact me or stick with me long after they said them, and they probably don't even realize it.

i've been listening to leonard cohen a lot this week. another from the collection of cds gifted to us from my cousin. the album contains a song i didn't know, and for as much as my conscious self knew, i'd never heard it before. when a line caught my ear and threw me back to 8 years ago when i sat in the living room of a friend. i remembered a song was playing in the background and she commented on the lyrics. her remarks never left me, even though i didn't know the song. i don't think i even knew it was leonard cohen. but i accidentally found it. it feels a little like becoming acquainted with an old friend's friend. it made me miss her. made me extra fond of that moment.

last night brendan, robb and i sat around a country kitchen table drinking wine in the dark talking about deep and meaningful things. it was rich and lovely. it will turn into a lovely memory.

i remember you well.

midnight

i don't refer to myself as a pacifist. there's still too much flawed natural instinct inside me to be worthy of such a title. but i desire pacifism. i desire it for my heart, my actions, my country, the world. when given a choice, i choose pacifism. but still, right now it would be wrong for me to claim to be a pacifist because i'm still far too inconsistent, too immature. instead i consider myself a supporter of peace and a proponent for true humanity. i believe there's a better way. that we need to push thru our raw form and live better, choose better, be better than just raw. when we're kids we use our fists, when we're adults we use our words. imagine a grown adult in his or her work place resorting to kicking and biting when faced with conflict. they'd get fired! because that's insane! and yet violence is still considered a reasonable response to current world events. it's uncreative. it's unresourceful. and short-sighted. anything and everything that doesn't make the world a better place in the long term and the short term, for individuals and people groups, needs to be reconsidered and something more imaginative done instead.

 

love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

transition

man, i haven't been jogging since friday and i'm really jonesing for some exercise! i took saturday off because i'd already completed 3 runs that week. i wanted to go on sunday but then ended up taking a three hour nap! that's quite unlike me, but nancy served some intense campaigne in honour of audrey's first birthday. it made me sleepy. so sunday was shot, then monday it rained. i don't have a running armband for my ipod yet, so i didn't want to risk it falling out of my hand if it got slippery. i've looked at many different stores for armbands and haven't found one that i like yet. last week on my way home from work, i was stopped at a red light. on the corner were some joggers, by the looks of it they were a couple. the guy was wearing an armband, and it got me wondering where here got it and how much it was. after a few minutes of me watching them, i saw that the girl was staring back at me, and i realized the guy was topless and sweaty and she probably thought i was ogling him.

we're currently pet-sitting. we're taking care of andrew and shannon's two cats and one bunny, and taking care of stuart's cat. it's pretty funny. our cats are the fatest.

it's hard to believe that we're at the end of august. i've already flipped my calendar to september. brendan will soon start his second and final year of college, which is exciting. he has two placements this year, one at frontenac mental health services and one at the john howard society. they're both pretty tough, but i'm sure they'll be rewarding. his teachers are very confident in his ability, which is pretty assuring. i actually think they see his potiential more than he does.

all this waiting for the power,

for some answer to this fire.

knots

i've been pretty down in the dumps for the last 24 hours, maybe even 36 hours. i'm pretty sure it's pms related and it will pass, but it's hard in the meantime.

as i reflected more on my last post, i worried that it may have further alienated me from those around me. i am feeling super toxic at the moment and i hope i did not offend while i reflected on the differences between me and others. when i'm feeling low, undervalued and isolated, i tend to push people away. b was in a very confusing place last night, torn between trying to affirm and love me, and trying not to step on the TNT that is me right now.

i keep trying to do the things i expect will help me feel better - a walk, a shower, some writing, some praying, some sleep, some food - but nothing's really helps. i think i'm just going to have to ride it out. i suspect that my attempt to self-soothe is making me naval-gazing and it'd probably do me some good to think of others instead of me right now.

i've just had a flash of inspiration. while i can't change my circumstances, i can choose how i respond. i'm going to TRY to be positive and hopeful. maybe i feel displaced right now, like i don't know where i belong, but it won't be like this forever. this could be a good opportunity for me to find a new place.

 

he can sit along as my hair grows.

photoshopped

lately it feels like there's something wrong with me. i've been noticing that other people get about excited about things that i simply don't care about. i feel constantly baffled about what's so great about this or that. i'm always wondering why.

why are everyone else so excited?
why is that a worthwhile use of my time?
why don't i have any desire to participate?
maybe i'm just not a joiner.

i guess the best and most current example of this is the cardboard boat making activity this past weekend. on sunday, instead of a church service, nexters gathered on the shore of lake ontario to make cardboard boats then race them. from the word 'go' i had no interest in attending this. i don't know if it's because i don't have kids, becase i'm sure there are plenty of non-parents who'd be all over that kind of thing. maybe it's because i'm not competitive. whatever it is, it just doesn't 'float my boat'. at the risk of sounding uptight, it just seems like a silly activity. or at least too silly for me.

i think partly what it comes down to is time. between work and sleeping... plus family+friends and housework, i don't have a lot of time left over. what little time i have is valuable to me and i want to use it in meaningful, enjoyable and restful ways. i'm pretty sure if i had more time on my hands, i'd be much more open to doing silly things simply for the experience of it.

it's not that i'm wish things were different, i just wish i didn't feel so different from everyone around me. i feel weird, like an outsider. my community likes dance parties. they like certain people i don't connect with. they use colourful words to describe things and people (such as "AWESOME!" when i feel it's "ok" or "neato"). maybe i'm just cynical.

i just don't understand them. and i just don't understand me. it's probably the fact that i can't put my finger on why i don't want to participate is what's bothering me most. it's concerning. and i hate that by not participating i miss out on relationship- and memory-building moments.

as time passes and things change, i feel like i'm fading more and more. becoming a wall-flower. i feel on the fringe of everyone else's "AWESOME" and silly experiences.

Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very;'
otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.

triangle

have you ever had something for lunch that was super awesome, so you made it again a few days later only to find it wasn't nearly as good as you remembered it? what's up with that!?!?!

i had a dentist appointment today. the girl who works the reception desk there is very nice. every time i'm there she knows me by name. i'm really puzzled by this. my old doctor's receptionist knew me by name, but i always thought that was because i had allergy shot appointments every month. i go to the dentist a few times a year, how does this woman know my name!?!? she must see hundreds of people a week! sometimes i wonder if she just looks up patient's names prior to their arrival so she can seem all friendly, but i'm pretty sure she doesn't do that. *shrug*.

i can't remember i've mentioned this or not (i know i've talked about it with several people), but i'm investigating braces. i have this little baby corner tooth that has come loose (not surprising since they're only supposed to last a few years). i once had a consultation about a dental implant, but it's super expensive and my dental plan won't cover it. BUT my plan will cover 50% for braces and if i just get the top done it shouldn't cost very much. i do have a healthy adult tooth, it's just hiding in the roof of my mouth. it would need some coaxing, but could be slid into place. my appointment today was supposed to be a consultation and quote, but it turns out that my dentist is going to refer me to an orthodontist because it's not an a-typical case. he said "it would take a while, but it would work", then gave a guestimate of a year and a half to two years, which is what i expected in the first place. i hope when i get the consultation it's within the ballpark i've got in my head. after going thru the process of deciding and weighing my options, i'd be disappointed. the dentist today confirmed that my baby tooth is gonna fall out soon. while i've grown to be quite comfortable with my crooked teeth (and they're much more subtle then they used to be), i want to have that corner tooth so i can eat without difficulty, so i do want to proceed. i feel a little awkward about getting braces in my 30s, but scarlete inspired me - she normalized it. and i've noticed it's really not unsightly or weird.

the funny thing is, if i get braces i'll look even younger than brendan.

 

seems i have forgotten

all the words to forget.

dundee

it's funny how you can come across a guy you used to like on facebook, only to find him surprisingly gross. man, i feel lucky to be married to b. he's so much better than that other guy. i really don't know what i saw (or imagined) in him.

did i tell you i took up jogging? well i did. i'm a jogger. i jog now. or at least jog a little. i have this training routine that starts with me walking 6 minutes, jogging 1 minute for the first week, then walking 5 minutes the next week with 2 minutes of jogging and so on. i do this big loop around the inner harbour. i'm often worried i'll bump into someone i know or they might see me from their living room window (i try to avoid passing houses i know). i'm really enjoying it and i get home feeling pumped. my last jog segment of last night was awesome. i felt like i'd really hit my stride and was moving along at a smooth pace quite comfortably. i impressed myself because i actually felt like i knew what i was doing.

on my new ipod, i have a calorie counter app that i dutifully input my intake and exercise in. it's very satisfying.

i got my new ipod engraved (it was free). i wasn't inspired on what to have it say, so i got this obscure quote. but now i wish it said 'patron saint of perpetual dynamite". that would've been appropriate. oh well. my off-beat, random quote suits me too.

i tiptoe across the squeaky floor.

enroute

i read recently 'you don't have to compromise your convictions to be compassionate'. and while i agree with this, it's been puzzling me quite a bit. mostly the word 'convictions'.

i take a 'live and let live' approach to life, which means loving people and demonstrating compassion without imposing my choices on them. i'm pretty sure that i've written before reflecting on the difference between morality and ethics. basically, i feel that morality is one's individual behaviours. and unless i'm asked to help support or provide accountability, i'm not going to butt in. then ethics, on the other hand, is the larger workings of society. as a member of society i have a responsibility to do my part to make life better for others.

anyways, i'm kind of going off topic. this whole word "convictions" has really been stumping me. maybe it's partly because it seems so bizarre that someone would not show compassion because they disagree with x or y. i guess that's because it contradicts the objective of helping make life better for everyone.

i think the weird thing about it is... where do convictions come from? i think culture plays a big part in creating conviction - cultural norms. it's true to say that religion has also played a big part in telling people what their convictions should be. i'm currently reading a book about ireland in 500 A.D. and rome has just decreed that priests, nuns and monks should be celibate and that divorce is not ok. before that priests and nuns often had spouses to help them better engage with the community. so it was the church (not God's writing on their hearts) who told them they should be celibate. it's just interesting to me that many norms we've come to accept as appropriate, were introduced at some point, by someone (intentionally or not).

sometimes external convictions are just as important, if not more important, than our own gut instinct. truth be told, sometimes our internal compass is broken. i know with complete certainty that my natural choices would have taken me in a different direction without the influence of faith and jesus in my life. and i'm very thankful i didn't take that route because i feel that i'm a healthier, happier, more whole person today than i would've been.

so after all this writing, this downloading of thought, has brought me to a rough conclusion. my adaptation of the original quote would be... "don't let what makes your life better, make another person's life worse". or "don't idolize your moral compass so much that you develop contempt for everything else". or perhaps it's just simpliest to say "love God, love others... with no exceptions".

why are the most important things the most difficult to explain?

wonder

i was just reading about the pussy riot case. i can't tell if people are (to be blunt) stupid, willfully unsympathic or have been manipulated by the powers that be... but it's pretty darn clear that they did not intend to offend christians, 'abuse God' or attack religious faith. these girls seem to be sincerely concerned by the leadership and power of putin, and vocalized it. and who can blame them! the very fact that they were arrested for not supporting putin and are facing 3 to 7 years in prison... is alarming and unjust. frig, can't russia catch a frickin' break!?!?!? centuries of corruption and dictatorships. sheesh!

since jay got laid off last december i've been keeping my eyes open for job postings at work that might suit him. it's not completely selfless because i'd get a referral bonus, but mostly i just want to help a person find a job since i appreciate that someone did that for me. jay is an unusual fellow and most people don't know what to think of him at first - i sure didn't. but as i've gotten to know him over the years i've come to really enjoy him. he has aspergers, and because of that, he interacts differently than others. i actually quite enjoy interacting with him because you have to be very frank with him because subtly is lost on him. he doesn't get his feelings hurt, and it actually helps him the most to tell it like it is. anyways, there's a job open here that he seems to be qualified for. when i think of the team he'd be joining i wonder how well he'd fit in. i don't know if anyone else at work has aspergers, but truthfully people with aspergers aren't that different from many engineers ;) it's true! in any workplace, i think it would just take the 'right' person to befriend jay and he'd be fine.

 

when i say 'right' i mean a person of influence. when i was in highschool there was this guy named marco. he was this big italian guy in his 20s who'd returned to highschool to get his diploma after dropping out as a teen. i'm pretty sure his family was involved with the local mafia (yes! kingston has a mafia), and the other boys in his group of friends trailed behind him. at some point, i think thru a peer tutoring class or something, he got connected with a boy named trevor who was part of the special education program at school because he was handicapped (i don't know the P.C. term for this, so please excuse me). trevor and marco just hit it off and would be seen together all around school. i like to think that marco went on to be a social worker or something working with special needs people. anyways, because of the unique friendship, marco's posse (a tough, leather-wearing gang not unsimilar to the guys in grease) welcomed him into their group and started looking out for him. it was fascinating and pretty progressive. it really turned social norms on their head. so back to jay. if he got a job, it would just take one person to help him fit in. i don't have a lot of influence on social circles at work, but i'd do my best to help break the ice.

 

live the dream
like the 80s never happened.

credit

liz gave me a pair of clog birkenstocks that are too big for her. they fit really well and aren't already formed to her feet. however, my feet are not used to them so the leather is giving me blisters. no doubt because i've been subconsciously influenced by brendan, i'm still wearing them even though my feet are sore so they toughen up. last night i gave them a fresh polishing using brendan's shoe polish supplies. they look brand new. b's pretty fond of mink oil so i thought i'd give it a try. i like that i'm married to a man who shines his shoes. he's so into it that i bought him a proper shoe polishing kit last year for his birthday.

actually, last night was pretty productive. i also vacuumed out the car in the rain. part of me wondered if i might get electrocuted but neither the rain nor the vacuum were very strong so i was ok.

AND i volunteered at the hospital and met all sorts of lovely people. i also saw melissa! i was sitting talking to a 94 year old woman when melissa walked past the room and saw me. it was so fun. i was super conflicted because i wanted to run over and hug her, but the lady was chatting and didn't realized i'd just spotted a friend. it made me smile for the rest of the evening. i also saw meghan from next there too, she works in nutrition and was delivering food to the patients i was visiting. fun fun fun.

you know what i love about having hairy legs? that upon seeing my hairy legs that guys instantly stop thinking of me as a sexual object and start thinking of me as a person (perhaps even as an equal), because my body is of interest to them.

 

cut your hair and shave your beard.

blush

it was a full weekend. nana's birthday, wolfe island music festival, church, lunch with my family, swimming on wolfe island for andrew's birthday, n+g's place for the olympic closing ceremonies. it was really fun, but not particularly restful.

this year was the first since 1984 that i watched none of the sporting events from the olympics. when b and i got married, we made an agreement that we would get rid of my cable but keep the tv set. at that time i felt super reluctant because even though i don't watch a lot of tv, i wanted to still be able to watch the olympics. thankfully i was able to watch the opening and closing ceremonies, even if i saw nothing else (oh, i guess i watched a tiny bit of boxing at my mom's place on sunday). next time i'm going to set up olympic watching dates at different people's houses to make sure i get to watch often. i don't know what it is about the olympics, but it has gripped me since i was 8 years old. i guess it's that olympic fever. i dunno. it was neat on sunday hearing joelle, who is now 9, talk about the athletes. you can tell she caught the bug, just like i did around her age. it was funny because while we were in costa rica, whenever b and i got talking about the olympics or i saw a commerical on the plane or in the airport, i'd get all teary-eyed. i can't help myself! olympcs > heart-warming story > tears. it moves me like an artform.

just keep telling me facts,
and keep making me smile.

cafeteria

whenever i'm on holidays, i always want to make some changes to my life upon returning. sometimes intentionally other times unintentionally. i once had a friend who started disliking me after i went to paris because i was a lot more optimistic and driven when i got home. needless to say, we're not friends anymore.

so while in costa rica i did some reflecting and thinking.

for one thing... i decided i'd like to dread my hair again in my 40s, when grey is starting to take over what used to be brown. i think grey dreads will look awesome. plus, i think i'll keep them for longer. jill has demonstrated that having dreads for 3 years doesn't require shaving one's head at the end.

another thing... i decided i want to be more fit. managing my weight is one thing, being fit is another. i thought i might want to start taking an aquafit class. when i mentioned this to my dad he thought it was a great idea because i was a swimmer in my teens. but when i looked into it i found that the classes are at 10 am every day, so that won't work. plus, it costs money and when it really comes down to it, i don't like paying a lot to exercise. b suggested running, since it's free - or at least doesn't have ongoing fees (i might have to buy some running gear to get started). i tried running once, but it made my lungs burn. so i looked up instructions for how to start running and found a great little 13 week guide that i think i could do. august always seems to be the month when i start getting really interested in exercise. and february is always the month i want to quit because the routine is boring me. i ordered a new ipod yesterday (i've developed a plan to repay my savings), so when it arrives i'll get started on my 13 week training plan. i'm looking forward to it. i think i'll download audio books to listen to while i jog.

the last thing (and least specific)... i'd like to be less busy and more efficient with my use of time. and really, these go hand and hand. good use of time, means more time left over. while i think there's a time and place for lying around and doing nothing, i think that kind of activity is only truly enjoyable when juxtaposed with other activities. completing chores or reading or hobbying or connecting with people. i remember hearing once that using energy gives more energy. it's a bit of a cycle. so last night, i watched an episode of weeds, bought an ipod online, went to the park to read, weeded the driveway, talked on the phone with my mom and went to the store for chips to eat andrew's garden salsa with. it made me feel like my evening was an activity rather than a waste of time.

 

letters littered

with little lewd pictures
drawn by the ghost of woody guthrie
who would use your big thick hand
just to draw one two for me.

jones

it's funny.
or odd or something.
i knew yesterday that unless i went to bed early last night i'd be really tired today, but i didn't so now i'm tired.

i don't where i left things off, but we're home now (got home monday night/tuesday morning). i'll tell you more about it later - specifically the turtle watching on our last night in tortuguero.

i lost my ipod, or at least accidentally left it behind at a hotel. when we left cahuita, we went to buy our bus ticket to the next town and they sold us a ticket an hour earlier than we'd planned so we went back to pack up, and in our rush my tiny ipod must have been overlooked or fallen out of sight. i was pretty bummed. i get attached to things that have given me many special and memorable experiences. i was partly sad that it was gone, partly sad that i'd let myself down by loosing it, and partly sad that i was about to travel for two days straight without it. i had hoped to upgrade to an ipod touch eventually, so it looks like i'll be getting one sooner than planned. the more i thought about it, the more convinced i am that an itouch is a good idea. over recent years, internet cafe's are harder to find when travelling, and i don't have a laptop for when i travel with work. an itouch would give me more connectivity and access to more information - such as delayed flights.

due to many factors, marilyn is going to be retiring in january. i'm going to miss her a lot. she's my best pal at work and a good colleague. as a result, i'm going to have to take on many of her responsibilities, which means travelling to more conferences and exhibitions. i'm most likely going to calgary in early september and phoenix next april. i have mixed feelings about this. emma and i have some big decisions to make about our team (because susanne is leaving too) and how things work. it's nice that emma is involving me so much, it gives me the chance to help structure things in a way that works for me, as well as what i think will work best for the organization. it's funny, i never saw myself as a career woman. and yet, i'm in a position where i'm heavily depended on and have become indisposable. it's both assuring and worrying. i wish i knew another person in my position to talk to for some advise, or even just to hear how she sees navigated her life.

yesterday was a different kind of day. the kind when i was reminded that jobs change, people move on, and nothing stays the same forever. it's not scary. it's good, but confusing because there's so many feelings at once. and life feels a little hazy.

 

you took the air,

you took the time,
you were fed and you were free.

plantain

so we´re currently in this tiny town called tortuguero. it´s not quite an island, but only accessible by sea or air. silly us, we arrived with next to no cash only to find they have no bank :S it´s ok though. we found this really awesome restaurant (called the wild ginger) that will give cash back on a credit card. so we´re ok.

this is an amazing town. unlike anything else. the closest comparison would be toronto island mixed with pang mixed with the carribean. we´re going on a turtle walk tonight to watch see turtles lay eggs under moonlight on the beach!! so cool!

i should go. i´m starting to feel tired and will be ready for home come tomorrow night (our last night in costa rica)

ciao!

zion

despite the fact that it thunderstormed all night, and i mean THUNDERSTORMED (we've never experienced anything like that before), the weather has been pretty good today. 

we rented a pair of bikes and cycled down the coast. they were old fashioned bikes, with baskets and pedal brakes. it was super fun. so lovely. i'd never seen brendan ride a bike before! it's been  several decades since i rode a bike without hand-brakes, so it took some getting used to, but i really liked it. it's low-fi. 

my favourite thing about costa rica is how simple it is. low-fi. it seems to suit me. i think i could easily live in a no-frills country. the plumbing is pretty basic. we're not supposed to flush toilet paper. sometimes i forget, but on the whole remember fairly consistently. 

our current town is called puerto viejo. it is known for it's impressive break point (surfing wave), and literally grew as a tourist town around that. the surf is called salsa brava, and is apparently referred to as "the cheese grater" by locals. it starts instantly (no gradual build-up) at a coral reef. if you land it properly, you're good to the shore. if you don't, then you go head first into the reef. owww.

it's another laid-back coastal town, but different to cahuita. still very cool. slightly less rural. i love that compared to san jose, we haven't seen one fast-food joint or chain-hotel. 

my body is tanned, bruised, covered in bug-bites and blisters, and it feels good. i like using my body so much. it feels good. it makes me feel connected with it and my surroundings. 

i'm really enjoying the bell jar. i don't find it dark at all. more broody than dark. i'm only 1/3 of the way in, so it could still take a dark turn. but the writing is good and the narrative seems sincere.

we'll i'm off. ciao! 

riverside

we took a 4 hour bus ride to cahuita today. it was pretty amazing to watch the landscape pass by. when we got here, we found that the hostel that we'd picked had gone out of business (no wonder they didn't respond to our email about a reservation!). thankfully we found another really lovely one and are settling in well.

cahuita is a slow-paced, coastal town. it kind of feels like cottage country. it's so lovely and cute. i kind of wish we were saying here for longer than 2 days.

the humid climate is not flattering. but since that's the worst of my troubles, i shouldn't sweat it. no pun intended.

avendia

today's been a great day. the weather was super. it didn't rain at
all, and the sky was clear so we were able to see the mountains around
the city.

as we headed out this morning, i felt a lot more confident than
yesterday because we knew the city better and had a better idea of how
the day would unfold. we grabbed breakfast at a bakery, then went to
the costa rica national museum. it was amazing, we walked into the
first room to find it was a butterfly sanctuary. the blue butterflies
were so beautiful, and they flew around so quickly that it was hard to
get a picture of them. there was also a live band playing and a number
of other exhibits with both past and current history.

we ate a delicious rice and chicken lunch at a little restaurant
outside the museum. we found that there were more gringos (white
people) there than anywhere else we'd been - aside from the
handicrafts market. it's a little awkward seeing other gringos.

our hostel is pretty good, except people smoke in the bar and the
smell spreads thru the rest of the place. i don't like that very much.
our room is pretty little, about 6x8, which is ok, but feels a little
like being in a tent. there are two little resident dogs who live
here. one who has taken quite a liking to us. i've named him tramp,
because of his resemblance to the dog in lady and the tramp :p

i'm looking forward to our next hostel where we'll have our own little
cabin by the ocean. i think in general i'm looking forward to the
coastal leg of our journey. san jose has been fun too, i think we'll
find it's very different to the other places we visit.

galileo

well... we both of our flights got delayed by 2 hours. which turned out to be ok since it meant that there was enough time in between the connecting flights for our luggage to get transferred. we ended up arriving in san jose at 11, and got to our hostel at midnight (local time - 2 am hometime). i was thankful that getting a taxi and getting admitted into our hostel went very smoothly.

one of the highlights our the trip was that the airplane was equipped with 'direct tv' (a first!), which meant we were able to watch the opening ceremonies of the olympics!! i love the opening ceremonies and was pretty disappointed when i realized we'd be traveling that day. they'd just started when we boarded, and i watched straight thru so the 'T's in the parade of nations by the time i got drowsy. it was on ABC, so it was american coverage. hearing them talk with such surprise over the tribute to the national health service was quite noteworthy.

today we've been getting the lay of the land and figuring out currency stuff. we've been thankful that there's only a 2 hour difference with home, making the jetlag almost unnoticable. we're enjoying functioning fairly normally from the get-go. we had a great breakfast of rice and beans, then headed out to the market. it was almost immediately clear that we won't be able to avoid rain. we knew coming in july-august that it is the rainy season, so we're not surprised or disappointed. the temperature is perfect, it's just a little wet out. so our first order of business was to buy a small umbrella.

we also visited an art museum and a coffee shop. cooked ourselves a delicious dinner in the hostel kitchen and had a beer at the bar. we're having a great time. tomorrow is sunday, so less will be open, but we have a few things planned that will keep us busy :)

inheritors

i just spent the last half hour looking for something that ended up not being in the box i thought it was. it turns out it was in pouch that had been sitting on the coffee table the entire time. SO ANNOYING! it's funny how even in a small house things go missing. at least there are limited places to look. on the upside, while i was searching for one thing, i ended up finding two other things i'd lost. nice :D

back when i was completing my physical for my volunteer work at KGH, the nurse practitioner asked me if my tetanus was up to date. i told her that i thought so, but wasn't sure. this was what i was looking for – my immunization record. the longer i went without finding it (it's been a couple months since that discussion with the nurse) the more i was convinced that i'm probably due for a boost and i've been getting a little worried. when shannon got bit by a horse in cuba one of the first thing people asked her was if her tetanus was up to date. thankfully i did find the record (years ago i'd amalgamated them all into one place – travel shots and regular shots – and started keeping them with my travel package. then forgot). it turns out that my last tetanus shot was on august 9, 2002. which means i'm due for one in... two weeks. nice :) i'll make an appointment for that when i get home.

i'm super excited about staying at a hotel tomorrow. b and i don't usually slurge on ACTUAL hotels, so when the occasion arises we like to just channel surf all night. it used to be nice to use a proper shower instead of the sit-down shower we had at the maxi pad. i suppose the luxury now is to take a bath!

no vaccination for your curse.

abba

i'm currently packing for costa rica. in many respects this is the most simple packing job i've ever had. after years of packing this backpack, i've shaved off more and more supplies and now am ready to travel light. plus, we're going to a tropical climate, so that helps.

with two days of work left, and one evening, i'm finding myself short and time. i'm pretty really to switch off my brain and leave it all behind. i kind of want to send everyone a note who i haven't seen or been in touch with in a while before leaving, but then feel like it's kind of idealistic of me.

every house has it's best features. i'm talking BEST features, not just nice floors or room layout. the kind of thing that you discover when you live in it and know it intimately. without out a doubt, my favourite experience from living at the exile is when the breeze blows thru the window and makes the curtain flutter around the room. actually, the wind was partly what i loved about the balcony at the maxipad, and partly what i loved about my bedroom at pirate's cove. AND what i love about walking at night in the summer. it seems i have a thing about the wind. a summer breeze. a sentimental wind.

while chatting with my mom the other day, i was telling her about our time with jill in stratford and about her student midwifing. afterwards she commented about how fortunate i am to have so many good friends. it's true, i am. all the women in my life are remarkable.

maybe your worries are all in your head.

loop

in general, i lean towards assuming the best about people. because of this, i live presuming that others will assume the best about me. sadly, that's not always the case. and while i'm not one who is driven to keep the peace at all costs, i do strive to validate people and their feelings. if you ever feel cut down by me or not validated, there's definitely been a break-down of communication along the way, because that's never my heart.

jase erb always tells me that he thinks i'm a thinker rather than a feeler. i don't know why exactly, but it's true that for the most part (when i'm not pmsing) i can reason with myself. i've always chalked this up to the fact that i like facts. feels are facts too sometimes. my thoughts are informed by my feelings. so all this to say is that now i'm not so sure if i'm a thinker or a feeler. i've started questioning this after roughly three different conversations with three different feelers, and i noticed a stark difference between how we all work. it was clear that one of these things is not like the others. it takes all types. maybe i'm just a little bit of both.

i've got a date with my dad at costco now. fingers crossed that i'll get some new contacts and re-gain sight!

as it was in the beginning,
so shall it be in the end.

funny and/or interesting things i just read in my former dream diary (from 2008)...

april 16: todd+chelsea got facebook
april 18: turning old friends into more than friends
april 20: beck and i had a fight over the bbd logo on a poster i created
may 3: we took a horse+buggy to the movies. went to see patrick dempsey movie. they gave us free passes.
may 4: i swore twice in front of my mom
may 7: melinda bought a cheese grater
may 19: andrew and shannon had a dog named 'gumbo'

i think i'm going to get this started again. it's very interesting to look back on and makes me laugh.

severn

we just got back from fair havens with my family. it went well for the most part. it's both a very foreign and awkward atmosphere AND a nice campground. having brendan there helped balance out the lesley vs the nuclear family environment. i realized that part of my frustration being there is the feeling of tagging along on someone else's vacation. at least with b, we could get ice cream when we felt like it and not when everyone decided it was ice cream time. we had a really good time with the kids, and i felt that i especially bonded with liam and erin, which is good because i've been feeling like they're the two who are the least familiar with me. i read with the kids a lot – captain underpants and dora the explorer. and liam and i were partners for clue because we both really like colonel mustard. fun times!

my mom said before we left today "it's nice seeing you both so happy together". i'm surprised that that's noteworthy, but i suppose that when people don't see us together, all couply, very often it's more noticeable. we do really like each other's company :)

on saturday, before leaving i remembered that i was on my last pair of contacts and called my dad to arrange a time for us to go to costco to get a new box so i can take a spare pair with me to costa rica. then today... when i tried to put them in, some lotion or something was on my hands which made my eye all red and stingy and now my last remaining pair is no longer useable :S thankfully i'm getting some new ones tomorrow.

now that our last road trip is behind us we can start thinking towards costa rica. we're leaving on thursday! crazy! i'm so glad that we're going now and not waiting til the end of august. yay!

she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read, she's bad
Oh, she's bad

bait

i think the sun might be bleaching my hair. the tips are getting lighter. i like it.

shanno and i went to the movie in the square last night. it was fun. we took the thai cushions and sat very comfortably on the ground. it was cold thought. that part i could've done without.

whenever my dad comes by, he comments on how big our garden is getting. then asks "are you watering it?" and i say "yes, dad, every day" then he says "you've gotta water it!". i know his hearing is getting pretty bad, but i'm certain he hears me and for some reason he's choosing to ignore me. he's growing more and more quirky as he gets older. which makes sense.

when i was younger, my mom and i concluded that interesting guys turn into weird men. and boring guys turn into really normal men. so the problem was that a girl either has it good now or later. it's funny because now that i think back on this theory, while i think it's still kind of true, i think it's a little flawed. because i think the interesting guys are actually just really "out there" guys and a little bit unstable, so no wonder they turn into weird old men. and the "boring guys" are probably just more subtle and more stable, so the grow into real quality fellows. subtly was lost on young lesley.

 

one love! one heart!
let's get together and feel all right.

zombie magnet

i accidentally spammed 1177 people today at work. yikes! it served as another valuable lesson of how one touch of a button can result in huge embarrassment. thankfully the email was blank because it was just a demonstration of how to send our mass emails to the whole division. i suppose it was also a demonstration of what NOT to do :S

so i'm pretty sure that i'm mildly dyslexic. when i was a kid i was tested for a learning disability and the results were inconclusive. and while i'm older now and have turned into a fairly intelligent, proficient professional woman, i still struggle with reading outloud. sometimes when i'm reading outloud to b, like when i'm reading segments of our lonely planet book as we plan our vacation, he can see over my shoulder and points out when i'm adding in words or reversing them (for instance, the other day i read "bird pet" instead of "pet bird"). i read well and i write well, but somehow reading outloud is something i've always really struggled with. i've always thought it was just a question of practise, but i don't think it is. so i tried googling it and all the results pointed to dyslexia. i suspect it's just mild because my apprehension is a-ok, there's nothing wrong with my brain. it's just the brain to mouth transfer. it's always kind of sucked. when i was in grade 5, i did a reading assessment (everyone in my class was sent in individually) and i got assessed really low - probably at a grade 3 reading level. and even at the time i KNEW i could read those more advanced books but had no way of proving it. thankfully b is a good reader, and i enjoy listening to him read. i just wish that i could read well out loud and have more confidence :S

it's been crazy stupid hot these past few days. i'm not one to complain about the heat, but yesterday was pretty unbearable. honey and pekoe laid on the wood floor all day and would sometimes whine at us. it was pretty cute.

 

i'm starting to have some doubts about my timing of getting a bird. i really want one and have picked out a really adorable name, but our house is pretty tiny and i'm not sure if filling it with another living thing is smart right now. ARGH! i UBER want a budgie. hm, what to do, what to do.

 

i really like eating raisins. except for the little stems. i don't like them. oh raisin stems! you remind me that you used to be a grape!

 

you can fool some people sometimes,
but you can't fool all the people all the time.

festival

we had a super fun time in stratford this weekend. let me start at the beginning...

so heading to stratford thru toronto on a friday night in the summer has the potential for a lot of frustrating waiting in traffic. BUT my mom suggested we take the toll highway, which we ended up doing. the 407 was empty and the surroundings were all trees and a few buildings off in the distance. it was really great, much better than driving thru TO. i drove as brendan tuned our radio to the mighty q and before we knew it we were on the west side of toronto and shortly there after arrived in stratford.

hanging out with jill that evening was great. it was really enjoyable justing sitting around in her living room chatting and laughing. her apartment is really lovely and unique. it fits her and her needs perfectly. i was really inspired by the non-clutter of her place and her book collection which was arranged by colour. almost immediately after we got home last night i started rearranging our bookshelves by colour. it just looks so nice, simple and tidy! it's subtle but magical.

b and i slept in our sleeping bags on the living room floor, which is fun because it's truly 'crashing' at a friend's place. super low maintenance and no frills. we slept well except i forgot my eye mask so i slept with my hat over my face.

jill's pet-sitting for her sister's family right now. their little budgie named flash is super entertaining and i enjoyed him greatly. it amused me that spending time with a bird made me want to get my own pet bird immediately, which is normally the reaction people feel when spending time with babies. i spent the whole weekend thinking up where to keep a bird cage so the cats couldn't get to it. i love pet birds. they're way more interesting then fish. i've been wanting a bird since the first time i met aphra's 5+ years ago. my plan is to get one upon returning home from costa rica. brendan is pretty ambivalent about the whole endeavor. i've been trying to come up with a good name, but for now the working title for my future bird is 'menno' after menno simons - the founder of the mennonites.

on saturday we went for a walk around downtown stratford and visited many lovely stores, ate at a pub and got some chocolate at stratford's fancy chocolate place. while we were at the chocolate shop we noticed a picture of the staff with justin bieber. we didn't bump into him at all, but jill is on deck to deliver his future cousin. small world... small stratford.

brendan cooked us a delicious dinner of butter chicken then we headed off to see muchado about nothing. it was really great - the set, the acting, the plot. it turns out that many of the lyrics of mumford and sons 'sigh no more' were lifted from that play! interesting, but slightly disappointing since i love that song and it's poetic-ness and am slightly disappointed that marcus mumford didn't pen the words himself. another noteworthy part was when one of the central characters waxed-poetic about beards :D

during the play i started feeling really sick, and later concluded i was dehydrated. so instead of drinking the wine we purchased for post-play cheese and wine, i drank powerade. i improved significantly, but still felt a little unwell until i had a second gaterade the next day on the drive home. i think because i'm in the habit of drinking a lot of water that i easily become dehydrated, since my body doesn't retain water in reserve.

jill took us for a drive into the countryside to her midwife clinic and we got to see a bunch of mennonites riding in horse and carriage on the way back. that was neat, especially for brendan since he's a big fan but has never seen traditional mennonite people in real life before.

anyways, we really thoroughly enjoyed our time with jill. it was definitely more fun then just staying at a hotel or B&B.

 

man is a giddy thing.

melba

i had a weird conversation with some fellow volunteers at KGH yesterday. they were young queen's students. basically, they were shocked that my husband was 23 and he got married at 21. it wasn't our age difference, but the fact that he got married so young. together they agreed that 30 is the ideal age to get married. it kind of bugged me that they kind of wrote off our commitment or decision to get married because we're religious. so i explained to them 'we knew we wanted to be together and were serious about our commitment, so saw no reason to wait'. i don't understand why someone would wait until their 30. i guess that's because i don't really see a difference between living together and being married. people start living together from a young age, often without dating for very long beforehand, but WE'RE weird because we actually gave it serious thought, made an informed decision, and had our family and friends celebrate that together. i suppose that my fellow volunteers felt that there's so much they'd like to do before they get married, but (other than sleeping around) there's nothing you can't do WITH your partner. brendan and i have done more together than we ever did single. it's super empowering to have a partner - the right partner. in truth... the 'best time' to get married is whenever you've met the right partner. there's no guarantee that you'll be with your ideal person when you're the ideal age. sometimes you have to wait... like i did, and sometimes it happens sooner than expected... like brendan. MAN! i wish i'd been able to articulate this last night. next time. i'm sure that was not the last time i'll have to sit thru someone's opinion about brendan's age :p

this evening, brendan and i are jumping in the car and driving down to stratford for the weekend. we're staying at jill's place (@jill, does your apartment have a name yet?), and tomorrow night we're going to see 'muchado about nothing'. we're pretty excited. b has never been west of toronto before. i hope we see lots'o mennonites.

i ordered some new thai pants, which came in the mail last night. they're super great. i'm very pleased with them. thai pants are the most comfortable summer wear that i own. they were only 11 bux! i couldn't be more pleased :D

 

we've got a mind of our own.

twice

with only two weeks left in july (minus weekends) before our vacation i'm finding that there's not enough time to do everything or see everyone, so am kind of opting to plan nothing and just take it easy.

it seems that i'm developing a habit of talking in my sleep. last night i dreamt that a large juice box burst and was leaking everywhere, and i started talking outloud about it. then when brendan tried to soothe me i got really mad at him that he wasn't doing anything to help clean up the mess. it's pretty darn funny when i think about it now. thankfully b finds it amusing.

i've been working on this grey crochetted shrug since winter time. the first time i finished it, it didn't fit properly at all! so i ripped it out and started again. bren keeps telling me that she can't believe i'd bother, but i still want it so i'm trying again. this version is going much better since i'm pretty much completely ignoring the instructions. however, i think i made it a little too long. it seems i forgot that it's a shrug and not a sweater so it's not supposed to go the full length of my back. i think i might try to unravel it from the edge to shorten it a little.

one of my favourite things about bob marley is that in almost every song he says "it's going to be ok" or "i will feel all right" or "every's gonna be all right". it's super uplifting!

yesterday i read this news article on facebook that really annoyed me. well... it didn't annoy me so much as bother me. i find that i can feel pretty defensive about the fact that i work full time, because people seem to jump to a lot of conclusions about it - motives, priorities, etc. in this case, with the article, it really bugged me because it assumed that people who work full time are very ambitious and trying to 'have it all' as they said. anyways, i ended up concluding that i'm just a girl trying to do the best i can with the situation i'm in. i 'get' that priorities directly affect how or where we spend our time, but i think we all have slightly different priorities - although some people may be more similar than others. when it comes to how and where i spend my time, i feel my objective is to have balance. i'm never going to be able to equally balance everything, but being someone who is not a perfectionist i'm not troubled by not doing everything perfectly. i'm pretty comfortable with 'the best i can'. plus, i'm content living within my means, which usually means living without certain things ('having a little' i guess i could say, instead of 'it all'). blah, blah, blah. i'm not exactly sure what my point is. other than i was unsettled by an opinionated person on the internet, and i'm trying to sort out my feelings about it.

thank you... that is all.

there ain't no hiding place from the father of creation.

vimy

i used to hate parsnips. they're bitter and a little spicy. but suddenly i find myself in the mood for parsnips. maybe i should give them another try.

SO. we drove to ottawa for bluesfest. it's interesting when you reach the point in a relationship when you and your partner or friend or whoever, feel free to sit in a car in silence without the radio. anyways, everything went really smoothly. we left at a good time and traffic was good. we found parking without a problem and walked to the grounds. picked up our bracelets. stood in a short, fast-moving line. and were in the grounds, at the river stage, drinking a cherry slushy by 7:15.

the opener, a woman by the name of carolyn wonderland (or something) was... ok. i was a little bored, but everyone else seemed into her, and even brendan thought she was ok. no stevie ray (as she was compared to), but still ok. there were a few bands playing - like zeus for instance - who we were more interested in seeing, but it was clear as soon as we located the river stage that there was no way that brendan was waundering far. so for the carolyn lady we were close, about 15 feet from the stage. the crowd wasn't too bad, a lot of folks with chairs and people in their 40s and 50s. the location was great because we were right beside the river and it was a beautiful night with the sun setting right over our shoulders.

when she finished up and people moved around we moved forward and found ourselves 2nd from the guardrail. as 9:00 approached we could see susan on the wing, then derek arrived and brendan said "there he is". there was something about his tone that told me that his stomach was flipping. derek trucks has long blond straight ponytail down to the middle of his back - one of his main trademarks. BUT in addition he had a big blond beard, making him look even cooler. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but derek is my age, and when he was 21 he married sue, who was then around 32 and shortly after had their first of two kids. the fact that they have the same age gap as me and brendan is my favourite thing about them. so they come on stage, derek first looking a little sheepish and a little nonchalant, joined by the rest of the 10 members of the band. my goodness do they put on a good show. top-notch. everyone in the band is crazy talented and they all seem to have this awe for one another's ability. the feeling of mutual respect was very apparent. they pretty much played straight for an hour and a half. only once did sue talk between songs and only at the end when she said something like "we hope you've had a good time" or something. i liked watching her and derek interact. it was largely unspoken, but sometimes they'd whisper to one another, one time he passed her an ear piece and tapped her on the shoulder in the way a person would hand their partner the remote or any old ordinary item. it was neat. b said that derek would sometimes wink at her while they play. that's pretty sweet.

about halfway through the person ahead of us cleared out of the way and we moved up to THE FRONT ROW! we were at the front row for tedeschi trucks! i'm pretty sure brendan would have died a happy man in that moment. we were right in front of the horn section, which was great because they were the most incredible horn section i've ever seen. b summed it up perfectly calling them totally bad-ass. seriously... the coolest. grooving as they played.

it was a good sized crowd, but not huge. b thought there was about 2,000. believe it or not, but snoop dog was playing the main stage, so the crowd at the river stage were people who came specifically to see tedeschi trucks. we saw snoop on the big screen on our way out, but didn't stick around. it was getting close to eleven at that point. i felt ok when i got up this morning. brendan on the other hand... he was totally emotionally-hungover. his eyes all bloodshot and stuff. it was pretty cute.

 

roll the truth around your head.

perspective

brendan and i are heading to ottawa for bluesfest today. we're going specifically so b can see tedeschi trucks band. nancy and gerry were going to come too because they're also big fans, but can't make it. i'm not super familiar with their stuff, but consider them to be some of the most talented muscians in the industry right now. b's hoping they're still relatively unknown so the crowd will be small. we saw sue tedeschi's guitar at the rock and roll hall of fame in february. it was right beside ani difranco's. since then i've concluded they are to blues music what ani is the feminist folk. completely authentic, truly talented and totally off the grid. it's an evening gig and we'll be back by 1 am. this morning when i left for work i told brendan to make sure he got lots of sleep today. haha.

yesterday i said to b "i'm excited about our trip!" and he said "which one?". it's pretty funny that in the course of 2.5 weeks we're going on 4 trips:
1) bluesfest - ottawa
2) muchado about nothing - stratford (jill's place)
3) camping with family - fair havens (lake simcoe)
4) vacation - costa rica

a busy month, but a good month.

i'm enjoying animal farm. i'm now almost half done. i can see why this book made me mad in high school. i totally missed the point of it, but at least my anger was just. it's an appropriate response to abuse of power. as an adult, who understands politics to a certain degree, i can really appreciate how cleverly it depicts certain types of government. it's very poignant, and still relevant 50+ years after it was written.

we'll share the shelter of my single bed.

deep woods

the guy sounds like jian when i hear him speak. it makes me a little nervous, the way i would feel if our conversation was being broadcast nationwide.

i had to wear brendan's deodorant today. being a couple who rarely put things away in a timely fashion, we left our overnight bags in the car and come morning my pit-stick was still in the trunk.

i'm in another good reading groove, and i'm hoping it will last a while. i finished the poisonwood bible last night - which is good because i want to be able to return it to jill when i see her this weekend. i really enjoyed it. knowing i was nearly done, i took a stroll to indigo last evening and basked the potential there for a while. there is no other store in the world that i enjoy more than a book store. while i was there i landed on two... 1) animal farm. i realize this is an odd choice, but i've been intrigued since i listened to 1984 on book tape. i read animal farm in high school but clearly misunderstood it. i think i'd appreciate it more now, understanding it's a satire. plus, it's nice and small (98 pages) and the new modern cover is very appealing. 2) the bell jar. this one i plan to take with me to costa rica. i wanted something smallish, but not too small because i don't want to finish it in one sitting (if waiting around at the airport a long while). my plan after i finish animal farm (i'm already 15% finished it), i'm going to start on middlemarch, which i've been wanting to read for a while, to tide me over til vacation time. i once looked up a list of the top 100 must-read books and middlemarch was #1, so i was intrigued.

we had a great time at the trailer this weekend. we had our little tent on our own site and hung out in the day and evening at n+g's place. it was really fun. a trailer is a really nice alternative to a cottage, and is definitely something we'd consider doing when we're older. we took a short trip into brockville and i got to see where brendan's dad grew up on church street.

it's a lot harder to explain maroon 5 than you'd think.

are you satisfied with the life you're living?

wiggle

i dunno if i've ever mentioned this before, but i think my husband is the coolest. i've been listening to bob marley a lot lately because my cousin gave me collection of various albums. so i tell this to b and he says "is it legend?", "yes" i said. to this he casually said (as though he was full of years) "i've listened to that album more times than i can count". that man is just dripping with culture and experience. he amazes me!

the mojomobile is packed with sleeping bags, weekend gear and our pup tent as we're heading off to pleasure park for the weekend. it's the trailer park that n+g have a trailer. we're tenting. i'm looking forward to it. it should be relaxing and campy. we're going to make smores and play board games!

everytime i hear the name 'pleasure park' it seems kind of inappropriate. you thought so too, didn't you? i think there used to be a lingerie store or something in town called pleasure island. no doubt that's making it seem like an adult-entertainment campground. it's not. we've been there before.

did you know bob marley had a white father? hm, there seems to be a real trend within black musicians - bob marley, jimi hendrix, lenny kravitz.... ALL biracial! this is off topic, but did you know that enrique iglessis is also biracial? his mom was filipino. (further off topic) i wonder what scarlete and sachil's kids will look like. i'm sure they will be shunning.

 

every little thing gonna be all right.

it's listed!!!

the old maxi pad is going for $254,000.

i can honestly say it's not worth that. that's more than what we paid for the exile, which is in significantly better condition and is closer to the downtown core. i bet the revitalized m centre has increased the value for sure or at least they think it has.

 

i hope the new owners take better care of it. it needs some love, but is pretty special.

plastic

as i laid in bed last night, i felt a gentle touch on my shoulder and i opened my eyes to see a dark figure over me. i was startled. it took a moment for my eyes to adjust, and i realized it was just the curtain fluttering around the room in response to the oscillating fan.

the books that always leave the deepest impressions on me are the ones with an unexpected twist in plot. its not unlike being acquainted with someone, then learning something new and unique about them. it suddenly makes the person so much more multi-dimensional.

in the summer heat, brendan spends most of his time at home shirtless. it's kind of funny, in a cute way, because it's so unlike him. i arrived home from work yesterday to see him frying up some taters barechested. seemed kind of dangerous.

being a person of faith, from a family of faith, it's difficult for me to digest the cultural difference that exists between my mom and me. lately, i've been particularly embarrassed when she writes things like "God is good!" and "PTL" (jesus-jargon shortform of 'praise the lord') and "trust in HIM!" on my facebook profile. i feel that if i was not religious myself i would be able to filter out her comments as "that's just how religious people talk". but i can't just disregard it since, i too am religious and i don't talk that way. i partly feel i worry that i'll get clumped into the same category as her by others, when i feel we're very different. the discomfort i feel is probably how a lot of folks feel about their parents parents talking about sex. it's awkward and it feels inappropriate. her freedom of speech makes me cringe and i just can't understand her candidness, and in many cases her point of view. i find the faith experience to be a lot more visceral than that. it's not words, it's not grabbing onto a rope that will pick you out of the mud and place you in the clouds above the muckiness of life. i guess i feel that faith is more subtle than that, and as a result i prefer to be more subtle in my speech. sometimes it feels like the problem with the old adage "treat others as you would want to be treated" is flawed since how i want to be treated is different to how someone like my mom wants to be treated ("PLT jan, PLT!"). i kind of wish that it included instruction on how to deal with major differences in perspective. it's cultural, it's generational, it's world view, it's painful.

we're leaving for syracuse in 3 weeks today! then, then next day, we'll board a plane to costa rica! man, we really need to get planning our intinerary and booking hostels. with the short turn-around, we're really underprepared, but it's also kind of fun!

representing the white race...

a man with a monkey for a face.

poisonwood

sometimes in summer i can't decide what to wear because nothing is just quite comfortable enough in the heat.

lately it feels like i'm constantly saying stupid things. as thought out of my mouth comes half-baked thoughts that make me sound hateful, arrogant or narrow. it bugs me. it makes me worry that i'm becoming someone who makes other people cringe from her incomplete sentences and off-hand comments.

sometimes brendan and i eat chocolate in the living room.

lately i've been wiggling my baby tooth while watching the tv. it makes me feel like i'm nine years old. my baby tooth is gonna fall out eventually, so why not help it along. i think i'm going to have to get braces to pull the adult tooth (which currently resides in the roof of my mouth) into place. no sense in delaying the inevitable when the inevitable will be better – a properly functioning left-side of my mouth.

sometimes i don't feel connected to myself if i don't make time to write.

the whole world is made of one unbroken line.

byward

it was a lovely lovely long weekend.

shanno and i went swimming at grass creek park then went raspberry picking at food basics. on sunday we (all of use who live at 79 main street) drove up to ottawa to spend canada day in the nation's capital and visit with john and joanne. the whole day went really smoothly. the crowds weren't too bad, our wait at a resturant wasn't very long, and we found a spot on the hill with enough space to sit on the grass. the only problem was that when the fireworks went off the peace tower blocked the view.

i found 10 bux in the washroom at the diner. i spent $2.50 of it on a sundae at mcdonald's yesterday.

our garden is starting to get really big and lush. we have a cucumber on the vine the size of a large pickle and several small green tomatoes. it's super fun watching everything grow. and for dinner, brendan cooked some pasta with swiss chard in it. i can't wait to make salsa!

the long evenings are amazing. i remember YEARS ago, when i lived on pine street and my housemates were away, i made salsa and watched the first harry potter movie on tv. it was the first harry potter flick i'd ever seen, and was surprised to discover it wasn't actually satanic. (turns out brendan read the other day that the rumours that HP was evil was started by the onion - a comedic fake news website). anyways, ever since, when the day is warm, but not too hot, and i'm in my nighty, the mood strikes me to watch HP and eat salsa.

man, i love this season.

words are like a lasso.