periphery

uh-oh, my fridge is making a crazy and loud sound nonstop. this can't be good. my landlord won't be pleased if he has to replace it, it might ruin his budget.

well, as you may have noticed, i haven't posted since wednesday. this is most unlike me. i've been really busy and not finding the time for all i want to do. even today, i had such a jam-packed day that i forgot to brush my teeth. i slept til 1 pm, which was great and clearly something i needed to do, but as a result half the day was gone. beck stopped by for a long visit then i headed to melinda's place for her birthday bbq. it was really fun, i don't recall when i went to a bbq like that last, i really enjoyed it.

i was telling beckie today that my hair is really poofy after showering. i didn't know what to do with it today because it had so much volume. she said it was the humidity that i love so much, but i beg to differ. because after having it pulled back into a ponytail for a couple of hours it has de-poofed and is looking great. i'm very suspicious of the fact it always looks best when no one sees me. it feels like a ploy against me.

i think i often hold back when giving my opinion because i want people to make their own decisions. i feel it's necessary for everyone to choose for themselves, but i'm starting to wonder if in fact that might be a disservice. they can still make their own choices, but they might be more informed. i guess i'm just afraid that someone might turn around and say "you told me to do this! i never wanted to but you thought i should and now look what's happened!!" i like to be responsible for my own bad decisions, so there's no one else to blame but myself. hence my tendency to leave others to their own devises. but i promised a friend today that i would always be honest with her, and i intend to be.

i want to make a "in ten years" book. i want to make a collective journal in which myself and all my friends write to foretell where/what they will/want to be in ten years. that might be difficult, i can't even predict what i'll be doing at thirty. sometimes that's exciting, other times i'm terrified. what if i'm nothing, what if i fail. am i undeserving? i can't decide. sometimes i think i deserve everything, other times i feel entitled to nothing. i'm a dreamer, a poet in my own right – easy swept up in romantic notions of life. i want in on all of lifes secrets, but i need to fight the urge to read the last chapter. what's going to happen. how's it going to end. those are questions that can wait. knowing what happens only takes away the enjoyment.

mystery is both over and under-rated.

since then it's been a book you read in reverse
so you understand less as the pages turn.

queen anne's lace

ugh, i'm freakin' exhausted. dead on my feet.

frank and i went to ottawa for a photoshop seminar today. it was really awesome. i'm in the coolest profession :D i learned a lot, probably much more than frank, but he's been at it for longer than me. it was really neat. i'm a nerd.

ugh, that's all i can tell you right now. i wish i was in bed an hour ago.

am i wrong to want more than a folk song?

envelopes

how are things? i'm plugging away on hatch. i'm pleased with it, even though it's progressing slowly. i've listen from k to m on my itunes. i guess that doesn't sound like a lot, but it really is. if you'd passed my house this evening you would have seen me air-drumming thru the window. that might account for my slow goings.

oh frig, my mom tried to set me up with some guy today. it was awkward. i politely told her i wasn't interested and am happy in my current state. i'm light-years away from desperation.

i've concluded that i've developed quite the potty-mouth. this shouldn't surprise me because my boss swears like a sailor, but it was still something i wasn't aware of. i only swear when i'm angry or expressing myself, but considering my scottish-irish genes this happens quite a lot. i must learn to put a rein on my tongue.

i need a picture of a cemetery. anyone? anyone? seriously, the first person to get me a photo of a graveyard will get... something really cool.

summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. a few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world. ~ ada louise huxtable

quite contrary

admittedly, i have had a really great weekend and wish that i did not have to go to work tomorrow. besides the fact that it's always super fun to be at home putsying around in the warm weather, i'm starting to really get into my layout of hatch and would prefer working on that tomorrow to going to work.

this afternoon i went to the next/rustle old fashion church picnic. and i must say it was really quite fun. i only recall going to one church picnic before and that was when i was a pre-teen. i remember sitting on a dock with melinda at lemoine's point. it was one of our first hang-out times and i remember feeling very awkward. i was shy, and before then she and i had always been sworn enemies. anyways, back to the present. i took the cookies that i baked yesterday along with a blanket, and a frisbee to eat off. it was fun. we played a number of picnicky games, the most hilarious was the one when we have to spin around with our heads to a baseball-bat then run to a destination. i knew i would suck at it, but i didn't expect to be AS terrible as i actually was. oh dear...

i really enjoyed getting the opportunity to chat with a variety of different people. i'll never forget when gerald suddenly smashed the watermelon only 2 feet away from me. eww.

i think i have a sun burn. oh, bad news... i caved and used a fan in the maxi pad. couldn't make it the whole summer! oh well.

i got soul, but i'm not a solider.

watering can

melinda and i watched "20 best brit bands from the last 25 years" on much more music tonight while we made avocado mouse. it ironically also turned out to be the "top 20 most sexually ambiguous bands" list. or so it may seem. i'm not sure what that says about british people.

when i woke up (at 12:45) i felt an overwhelming urge to bake. this is most unlike me. regardless, i DID bake some cookies, and had to make two trips to the store for supplies. i'm thankful that i discovered that the hind-quarter deli is so frickin close to my house. handy! i've deemed it my new corner store. things change. today i became a baker, what will i be tomorrow?!?!

sometimes i get an urge to be isolated. i aspire to be like amélie. she was very secluded.

melinda did a simpson avatar of me. what do you think? is it in my likeness??

and sometimes you close your eyes,
and see the place where you used to live,
when you were young.

listen to what i'm not saying.

percentage

i've been recruited as the designer of the secondary issue of hatch. the zine produced by storytellers anonymous. al, brenda and i rendezvoused at the maxi pad to discuss this months issue. i've committed to next wednesday as a deadline for the first draft. it was fun hanging out with them. man, that al is snoopy :p

al so busted me. we'd made a pact to never join facebook, and now i've betrayed him. oh how he made me grovel.

i'm feeling borderline insane these days. it's possible that reading harry potter is helping me retain my last shred of sanity. escapism is a necessity. i think me and everyone i know is getting the vacation bug.

the trouble is my head won't let me forget.

user friendly

i never cease to be amazed by what i'm capable of doing when i'm on my own. often i'm faced with unpleasant tasks, injuries or events when i'm alone, but i always rise to the challenge. phew! that's a reassuring thought for an independent lady. this evening i had to cut down a hornet's nest that was tucked in the corner of my awning. believe me, this was something i'd much prefer to leave to a friend or big burly man, but there were none around. just me. i had to be my own mcknight in shining armour. and it was fine. i've been taking care of myself a long while now. it can be exhausting, but when you haven't known anything else it's not so bad. at least i don't have to take care of anyone else.

this morning i dropped a full glass of milk in my bedroom and it shattered all over the floor. needless to say, this made me late for work.

i have some strange social reservations. do you suppose that can be overcome with a little practice and a little pixie dust?

what's new in my adventures in facebook land? well i've gotten in touch with a couple people from college and a came across some CRAZY mutual friend situations i was unaware of. so far i can safely say things i haven't gotten carried away. i almost think the novelty is wearing off already.

everyone's a captain kirk.

open

well, i've reactivated my facebook account. i hope you're all happy. those of you who've been hounding me.... you KNOW who you are ;) i had to ask terrence for some help. it was hilarious – the blind leading the blind. it's rather cumbersome.

today is miss joelle's fourth birthday, but she's in germany with the oldings. so i went out for rhonda's birthday instead. they share the same birthdate. super cool.

i made fermented orange juice today in my nalgene bottle. well i didn't make it exactly, more discovered it when i opened the lid and it'd become carbonated.

well for some reason my head is over heated. terrence said when i feel the the burn it means facebook is working properly.

if i only knew the answer,
i wouldn't be bothering you, father.

ruler

why does my hair always look it's best right before bed, or when no one else gets to see me. it's a shame really.

i've self-diagnosed myself with a sleep-disorder. well, sort of. i'm going to force myself to get into bed at the same time every night and try and do restful things before bedtime (not run a marathon and then get into bed. haha, like i'd ever do that. i'm sure gen would discourage that). i have a serious problem with not being tired, not being able to fall asleep and then wake up in the morning feeling ill with tiredness. i badly need a vacation. however, more sleep will have to do the trick in the meantime.

this morning i woke up feeling like death and proceeded to have the crappiest morning. it was terrible. one thing after another. when i was a kid, my family's favourite book was alexander and the terrible horrible very bad day, and let's just say i was having one of those mornings. it kicked my ass! but oddly enough, the afternoon was significantly better and by the time i drove out of the bbd security gates i was thinking what i great day i'd had. this made me stop and reflect on how quickly i get over stuff. it doesn't take much to wipe the slate clean of something crappy. which i think is really great and i appreciate it a great deal, however i recognize that it can be hard for others when i'm all like "la la la" and they're still upset about something that happened. i have a selectively bad memory.

well my eyes are feeling droopy. this could be a good sign.

if i find my own way,
how much will i find?

dragon

where do i start?

what do i disclose?

i'm flooded with a plethora of thoughts and emotions. and i don't know what to tell you, yet i want to spill my guts. to somehow find a way to articulate how i'm feeling in a way to get it out of my system. sometimes there just aren't enough words. sometimes there are, but speaking them makes no difference.

i need to talk to you, but you're so tight-lipped i can never extract from you what i need to hear! you frustrate me to high heaven and there's nothing can be done.

on a complete different note...
david came to ktown for a visit this weekend :) it makes me smile to even talk about him again. it was really great to see him and i'm SO SO SO glad that we've resolved everything between us. i had a lot of fun with him and terrence last night, although the two of them together keeps me on my toes. i've concluded that david has crazy powers of suggestion over me, and told him that if he ever became a dark lord he'd have no problem convincing me to join him on the dark side. keep in mind we went to see harry potter, so i've got this whole dark-side mentally going on, however, he has me almost convinced to bite the bullet and re-join facebook. ya i know... well i guess that was a little heads-up on things to come.

i sat reading on my balcony this afternoon and dozed of a little. it was sunny and breezy and made me wish i had a hammock to lie on. and a body to lie with.

i have a feeling i will sleep very lightly tonight. i guess i'll have to try my best to create a sleep-friendly environment.

i don't know anymore
what it's for
i'm not even sure
if there is anyone who is in the sun
will you help me to understand
cause i been caught in between all i wish for and all i need

glow

as i walked home tonight in the dark, the though struck me... i will most likely be walking up this street alone and barefoot this time next year. but the thing is, as much as i tried to make that thought devastate me, it didn't. and i realized, i'm ok!

my world is back in orbit.

give me books, fruit, french wine, fine weather and a little bit of music...

triangle

i don't know what's worse: pms or cramps. i feel like ass but at least i've regained my sanity. i felt so sick all day, it's too bad because it kind of ruined my second day of first-aid training. aside from feeling terrible, the training was really fun and i feel really confident that i have the skills necessary to help someone effectively. i realized that i haven't done first-aid training in 13 years when i was doing my bronze cross. things have changed drastically since then. back when i was a swimmer i enjoyed the first-aid stuff so much that i wanted to be a paramedic. i've been glad i didn't go that route, however over the past two days i've been reminded why it was something that interested me so much. i'm good at it, i remember things well and catch on quickly. although, that doesn't mean i wouldn't choke when faced with a real-life crisis so i'll continue to hope that never happens.

i know i'm going to be fine. it's the uncertainty that's a killer. you're behaving badly and you have no excuse. i wonder if you'll eventually cross a line and i'll tell you i've had enough.

why are people always swearing when they pass my house??!? do i live in a particularly scandalous neighbourhood that it makes people reactionary?

i'd like a pickle. i wonder if it would aggravate my stomach...

if you always get up late,
you're never gonna be on time.

dermis

sometimes i really have lots to say and i want to tell you all about it but it's late and i haven't the time. i'm taking a two day first-aid training course at work, it's been really neat! i'll tell you more about it tomorrow. i also had beckie over for a little bit this evening, then rachel came over for a much overdue visit. we drank a little bit of bubbly ;) it's been a fun day.

i love the heat. oh baby ya!

i'm just coming here to come down.

library

the house is dark except for the glow of my mackintosh. i'm in my pjs, ready to get into bed upon clicking "publish post". it's imperative for me to gain control over my sleeping habits. my nights are wrought with sleeplessness and my mornings pummel me with exhaustion. it's like my internal clock is in a different time-zone. something must be done...

in light of my current pmsy state, i decided to do a little research into the beast that is pms. as usual i turned to wikipedia, the most trusty of all internet resource tools (and quite possibility the most incorrect). it was very educational! the symptoms were especially interesting. hurray! pms is now the excuse for even more bad behaviour! w

i picked up a copy of harry potter and the philosophers stone the other day. it's an easy read, just a fun story, it's nice to get lost in such things. yes, this IS my first time reading it, i was really slow in boarding the harry potter train due to various overly zealous church-goers i know. the "controversy" over harry (if we can call it that) turned me off the whole deal until i came across the first movie on tv one summer's eve in 2005. since then my life has changed :p

you always played it by heart,
like a patron saint or a patron of the arts.

red flag

dreams are something that have always been analyzed. what do they mean? are they prophetic? are they symbolic? for me, they unlock my subconsciouses. they allow me to explore avenues that my normal controlled self won't allow, because it's dangerous or hurtful. i also find, on numerous occasions i've found myself in circumstances that i have previously dreamt. all of a sudden a dream i'd had months ago will flash into my head, and i'll recall "i dreamt this moment". it's as though my mind has a still-frame that my real life walks into. it's really trippy. it's some crazy form of déjà vu.

i don't like who i am when i'm around her. i'm disdained or goofy, and she makes me feel like i only have unintelligent things to say. but let me tell you, i'm not nearly as stupid as she thinks i am.

good news... i'm well on my way to being a normal contributing member of society. today i went to rustle church. al asked me to do the reading, i almost declined because of my fear of reading in public, but instead felt it would be another step to overcoming that insecurity. so i did it. and i think i did pretty good! yay!

i promise you i will learn from my mistakes.

cupcake

i knew i pmsing when the librarian told me the book i wanted was out and i almost cried.

forced to live like it's a curfew,
translation: it means i love you.

copious

i might be too expectant. it's completely possible that i expect too much from my life and it may not deliver. i'm not convinced that people who demand the most are the most satisfied. to the contrary, i think people who expect little end up pleasantly surprised. but i don't think it's the kind of thing you can just turn off, or teach yourself not to do. i'm afraid my gut instinct is most often detrimental. how do you live when your greatest opposing force is yourself? it's like trying to will yourself into complacency, which i think completely defeats the purpose.

was it ever hard to justify it
to someone else or to yourself?

hawthorn

i MUST get into bed at a reasonable time tonight. ideally early, but we'll see how that goes. i've been exhausted getting up all week, and this morning i was extremely grumpy because i couldn't find my pants and it made me late for work. i spent 10 minutes looking for them. it was so mind-boggling – like how can you lose a pair of pants?!?!

i go thru stages where i feel a need to talk a lot. this is not one of those times. i'm feeling very non-conversational lately, and that frustrates me because i have little to say in social situations. my head is empty of it's usual anecdotes and tales. i've decided that reading is a good solution to this problem, it will fill my mind with stuff, since it's been quite barren of thoughts.

i rode my bike to reid's dairy tonight where i bought a box of 24 banana popsicles. they will provide me and my guests hours of eating pleasure. come to my house, we'll eat one together.

i think we're more influenced by the people around us than we realize. and yet, we can live our entire lives with friends and family who are completely different than us, and remain unaffected. it's been a while since someone new has strongly influenced me. the impact is subtle but it doesn't go unnoticed.

i'm in a race against the clock. can i be in bed in eleven minutes??

rebecca, i overheard the plan,
but i don't know what happens when you're gone.

mother parker

tell me something. it's totally weird that when i put down saucers of tuna fish water for my kitties today that they ran away right??

on the way home from work, i passed an accident. a car had obviously prematurely turned left and sideswiped another. as i peered onto the scene i saw an old lady standing just out of the way, clearly trying to calm herself after being struck on her way to who knows where. when i saw her my heart went out to her. she looked to fragile & alone and yet sweet & gentle. it both frightened and comforted me. i suppose in a way, being old is no more scary than it is to be young.

i've been surprised by how my summer is unfolding. it's not bad, i guess i'm just surprised it's so different than what i expected. but i suppose it's true what they say that things change fast. but why is all the wrong things? or why is it everyone else?

joy is the kind of person who learns from other people's mistakes, where i'm the kind of person who will only learn by doing. but at least i learn. i'm relieved to see that i'm sort of getting the hang of things. and i've discovered that whatever's not actually "the end of the world" are usually things i can do without.

i could do a lot of things
and i do.

rolling pin

there's a mosquito in here!!!

frank cautiously approached me this morning and asked how i was. i told him i was fine and politely asked how he was in return. he said he was fine too, but quickly went back to me, he was concerned. he said i looked like i was really upset, like my whole world had come crumbling down. this alarmed me. because i don't feel that way, and yet it caused me to second guess myself and wonder why my face was giving that impression. sometimes my face looks angry when i'm simply just not smiling. but he said i didn't look angry, i looked upset. i really wasn't upset though. i'm certain i was just tired and feeling the work-week kick-in.

i worry about what messages my face is conveying. what secrets it's revealing. beckie assured me this weekend that a person would really need to know me in order to determine what my face is saying. i'm relieved. i worry that my eyes tell too much.

you're looking over my shoulder.

if i can be
constant and faithful,
you'll find me
in my devotion.

tupperware

beckie arrived home friday night, and has kept me very busy all weekend. it's been really nice having her back, and i've loved having her company around the maxi pad. i like that i don't have to entertain her and feel free to do my own thing since she does her own thing.

i made salsa twice this weekend. the first time my hand got a cramp, the second time i used melinda's hand bender that i found in my cupboard (which is actually the reason why i made it the second time).

it's been a really relaxing long-weekend, saturday we did errands, cooked, walked downtown, watched "maid in manhattan" on t.v. followed by "dazed and confused". interesting combo. gotta love late night tv.

yesterday beck headed up to her cottage and i joined her after i had sunday lunch with my family. i got lost twice, but you know, it's not a real road trip in the batmobile if i don't get lost several times. i apparently take instructions very literary. anyway, we had a lot of good laughs, good talks and good eats. we listened to a lot of ani difranco and went canoing.


i think i'm chickening out about this tattoo thing. i think i'd rather wait until i have no apprehensions. maybe it's the kind of thing that you can't feel 100% without apprehension, but i'd rather feel more certainty than i have been feeling.

my life is good. i have great friends. i have a home that fits me like a glove. i have an awesome church community. i have an ideal job. i have two little kitties that are less than family but more than a household appliance. i have good health. and a car that gets me from a to b (even if there's a few detours along the way).

i'm gonna go hit the showers to wash the smell of snails off me. later!

flickr

the world is my oyster,
the road is my home,
and i know that i'm better off alone.

covet

i bought this new shirt at old navy last week on sale for $6.99, i think it hung on a hanger too long because the shoulders are jutting out and i can't tell if it makes me look evil or space-agey.

i wanted to make this a surprise, but i've decided to get a tattoo, and i was going to do it today. all day i sat in my cube preparing myself for the needle, i was extremely nervous. my stomach was in knots. melinda came with me, when we arrived i found they are only accepting people by appointment, and i'm going to have to wait until next wednesday. when i told the guy what i wanted, he looked alarmed and told me that was a "job stopper" being not familiar with the term, i didn't know what he meant. it turns out (according to him) tattoos on hands make it hard to get a job. i told him "oh, i'm a graphic designer". i love how that excuse is applicable in SO many scenarios. over the course of the evening, i talked about some of my fears about getting a tattoo, and my stomach is at peace. so, let me re-state: no tattoo right now, but next wednesday.

i've noticed lately that i feel a need to tell people personal information. and i've been fighting that, wanting to be private. i thought to myself "what has happened to the secretive lesley, who as a teenager couldn't even tell her best friend who she had a crush on?!?!" but after trying to keep the tattoo a secret and the way even THAT ate me up inside, i realized i've thrown caution to the wind knowing that keeping secrets creates unnecessary anxiety in my life.

i can't help but wonder if i developed feelings for him as a result of irony. what made irony so spiteful anyway??

the missus is coming by and we're going to eat some strawberry and rhubarb pie. there's nothing like good company and dessert to make a person forget their woes. that or housework.

money's only paper,
only ink.

hatch

i left my car lights on. rach is currently walking home and will send jase to come by and give me a boost. i suppose after that i'll take it for a drive so that the battery will charge. i hate it when that happens.

most people consider anger to be a bad thing. i've often wondered about how the bible says "in your anger do not sin", and i think i finally grasp that. anger can be a good thing. it can spur on acts of justice. it can enable people to do feats of strength. it can set a person onto a better path. i'm feeling slightly angry myself right now, but i'll use what's left of my gumption to channel it towards good. i won't stand to be kicked in the teeth. and i see no need for false sentiments. i will harbour my resources and find refuge in truth.

i accidentally left my stove on all day. no wonder my house was so hot when i got home from work. hm, what's with me not turning stuff off!?!?

i should probably go. i suppose jase will be here any second.

i was serenely independent and content before we met;
surely i could always be that way again.

echo

i biked to rhonda's today with a large kit for isaac tucked under my arm. it was tricky. it was still in the box, and yet was still very challenging.

after some ice cream cake, i went over to tebrake's house. we got looking thru some old photos of her on facebook. i laughed my ass off. seriously, i don't know when i laughed that hard last. it was so nice. i felt bad for my hysterics at the expense of her bangs. it was good though, i've been needing a good cry, but this way they were tears of humour.

laney sent me the most hilarious postcard with the queen on it. hahahahaha. it's peculiar because with such things there is a fine line between what is funny and what is preposterous. good thing i find most preposterous things funny, but not everyone shares my sense of amusement in the ludicrous.

does anyone know if light bulbs are recyclable?? i need to do something with the 8 incandescent bulbs i just replaced.

watching my hopes follow dreams down the drain.

tide

the part of my brain that over romanticizes everything is kicking in. the part of me that dreams up extremely melodramatic conclusions and statements. i shouldn't indulge that instinct, but instead quickly take up the fetal position. i'll try to not to hope for the best while preparing for the worst. i've lived thru this before. well not exactly, but i've been thru similar situations and no doubt i'll survive. there's only so much you can do and even when i fortify myself, i still lose. i wonder if i'll ever win at this game. i think i've reached a stalemate.

oh frig, i'm such a drama queen. just ignore me.

i just want to say for the record that when i die, i do NOT want all the suits from bombardier showing up. i want to make this known to people so that if the occasion arises someone can tell them they're not welcome. now this is not to say that i don't appreciate their act of paying respects, or that i dislike them. my reason is this: i do not want their presence to in anyway overshadow the loss my loved ones experience. i do no want people to end up whispering "there's the president of bombardier. there's all the execs from bbd, so nice of them to come", when they should be saying "there's lesley's mother. that's lesley's family. those are lesley's closest friends". i don't want them flying up in the company jet, making a scene. don't be alarmed. i'm not going anywhere, i'm only telling you this because an employee is dying and i know all the rigmarole to come. it's standard procedure, and i want none of it. does this make sense? can i count on you to help carry that wish out?

it seems so strange how suddenly things can change.

chaco

this is a picture of some of us at the festival. it was the end of the day and mostly everyone had cleared out. if i don't mention that it will look strange us sitting in an empty part and claiming that to be a festival. melissa took this pic. i forgot my camera. i even had a list of stuff i needed to take with me, but i forgot to write it on my list. talk about irony. it's ok though, lissa's camera is better than mine. did i tell you that my mom sat on her camera and broke it!?! she had to buy a new one. hahahaha. so funny.

left to right: lyon, lesley and brendan.
photographer: melissa tebrake

you can really see my layers in that pic.

i was too tired last night to write an entry. i slept well so i'm doing it now. let's hope this doesn't make me late for work. i'd like to start my week of well.

some would call me a cheat call me a liar,
say that i've been defeated by the basest desires.
yes i have strayed and succumbed to my vices,
but i tried to live right.

unicycle

my eyes are bloodshot. my nose is sun-burned. i have a zit. i omit an aura of being outside all day at a music festival. it was awesome. i had so much fun.

the greatest part of being a volunteer is that it helps me mingle with people that i wouldn't normally get the opportunity to meet. i also like feeling like i have a purpose. although, i was pleasantly surprised when i was done my shift how great it was to just lie on the blanket and close my eyes. not rushed. not feeling guilty. it was nice.

i saw so many of my friends all on the same day, all at the same event. it was so great. that never usually happens. plus my dad showed up and much later my joy & tim came with the kids! i'd given up expecting them and was disappointed that they didn't show any interest. but at about 7:30 they arrived, i think they'll definitely come for the whole event next year :) it was really neat, i was happy to show joelle everything going on. it must have been so new to her! frig, it was new to joy & tim!

of course this has got me all stoked for the wolfe island music festival :D i canny wait.

i love that i can make eye contact with melinda from across the park and know what she's thinking.

say it,
i know that it's true.

abandoned shopping cart

i have the heart of a poet. i see the world thru a poetic lens.

i was reading a quote by picasso today. it reminded me that i'm not a painter. i wish i was that kind of artist, but my heart doesn't beat to paint. i'm stuck in the notion that you are only an artist if you're a sculptor or painter. that's so old school. why don't i get with it. i'm an artist in my own right. i make a living thru the applied arts, i shouldn't feel like a sell-out for not living and breathing oil paints. besides, you don't have to necessarily be an artist to be artsy. i have loads of artsy friends who aren't active "artists".

why do i feel small and big at the same time? like, how is that possible.

i flew my kite again today. this time my dad joined me. it did pretty well! got about 50ft high!! but the wind wasn't steady and it soon died down. it was fun. he came by to give me the energy saver bulbs he bought for me at costco. i have 8 now. i'm saving money and saving the universe even as i type! awesome. that aphra has got me anxious about the mercury content, while at the same time feel an overwhelming urge to break one. i suppose it's like looking at the sun. you know you're not supposed to, you know it will cause damage, but it's hard to resist. however, you can breathe easy because i won't be cracking any open. actually, i'm somewhat paranoid about the whole deal.

oh, so upon reading the linguine recipe more closely, i discovered i was only suppose to use 4 teaspoons, not 4 tablespoon. that explains why it was so thick. i have a problem. it's like a learning disability, but it's a cooking disability. well at least i know for next time.

in my spaceship i am laughing.

blizzard

i'm not much of a cook. but i'm trying. since i haven't really seen my mom in the last month, i invited her over for dinner. i made linguine from scratch. it was a little thick, although i don't think it was necessary to eat it with a knife and fork like she did. my dad showed up to give me this months good food box, and the three of us sat drinking tea while i showed them some of my brochures from work. i enjoy spending time with my parents together. it's a novelty i haven't really experience much.

i like that you asked me for some juice. you like that i told you i resent you.

mayelin was saying today that even when we do a lot of great things, its our mistakes that are remembered. upon reflecting on my neurosis, i realized, a lot of my paranoia and insecurity comes from specific events. negative words or experiences will stick with us even when positive feedback will slide off like teflon. i can't fathom why that is. but i'm determined to somehow reverse it.

i sat in my cube stuffing cds into pockets, listening as the rain/hail fell on our tin roof. sometimes i forget how beautiful silence is.

if this is a movie let's edit these scenes out,
it would be a pg instead of an x-rated life.

rye

don't be getting any ideas. this is not a hidden message.

berse

i am not a normal girl. i wonder how obvious that is to people when they meet me or if that's something that needs to be stated. even if they pick-up on it, i wonder if they can grasp the depths of my abnormalness. i'm surprised that even after all these years she doesn't get me, actually i'm more surprised at the fact that she doesn't get that she doesn't get me. i can't decide if i take pride in the fact that i'm not easily figured out. i suppose i resent anyone who thinks they understand me when there are times that i even surprise myself.

i've had long straight hair for the majority of my life. well except for the couple years in my early-20s when i cut it all off. long straight hair was all i wanted, it was all i could imagine. but inspired by the lovely rachel (once again), i decided i wanted to do something different. this evening i went to april's and she gave me a trim and some layers. that's right, lesley mcknight got her hair layered. now i realize that's really not that daring, but it's a big step for me. i like it, i feel like a rock star AND a lady.

funny how this has got me thinking about what else i'm capable of doing. things i thought weren't me. maybe i'll get up the courage to finally get that star of david tattooed on the back of my hand. maybe i'll get my eyebrow pierced. the knickers told me last we she didn't care WHAT i do. quite truthfully, i don't care what she thinks, but i wasn't sure if there was a line of what's professional and what's not. but now i have no excuse. she's given me free license to do whatever. so the question is... how far will i go?

how embarrassed i’d been if you knew what i was thinking of.

hypnotized

melinda sent me on an errand to pick up a bottle of wine for our mini-bbq. she had to give me thorough instructions since i'd never bought wine before and had only ever been in the liquor store one and a half times. i did a decent job, but i can't take the credit for my selection. it was mostly melinda combined with random luck. we had a lovely time sitting in the richka's vintage garden, eating beets and spicy turkey sausages. it's good to have her back on this landmass.

perhaps i'm passive-aggressive. perhaps i'm aggressive-aggressive. all i know is i find the best way to cope and then i hold on for dear life. sometimes that involves running away from the direction of my wants. i'll just leave my coat behind. i can get another fishing rod.

everyone has their reasons, but i'm not buying yours.

it's over my head.

clover

i had a really funny day of hanging out with terrence. we decided to fly the kite that he and helen bought me, the pirate ship kite. the most hilarious thing is that is wasn't very windy at all!! we took turns running with it while the other one released the more slack. hahaha, it was so fun. we were like "oh there's a slight breeze RUN RUN RUN!" haha, poor terrence got so carried away that he fell over. i'm really excited because it's a totally awesome kite, and now that i've got it set up i'll be able to just grab it and run over to the m centre and fly it in the field at a moments notice. i always have a good time with terrence. it's a quality blend of intelligent conversation and silly laughs.

oh frig, that donkey STILL cracks me up.

look at my kite fly.

chisel

i woke up this morning thinking "i wonder what will be going on at the memorial centre today??" last week it was the home base for the shriner parade. the week before, they were doing driver's ed for new city bus drivers, the week before that was the circus. but upon opening my blinds i discovered the parking lot was empty, there was nothing going on. or was there....

after 12 a bus load of teenagers arrived. soon they were eating their lunches on the lawn of the m centre, while others began practicing trumpets and bagpipes. i was horrified that i was spending ANOTHER saturday afternoon listening bagpipes be played across the street from my house. like seriously, who else does that happen to?!? they're still there (oh crap, there go the bagpipes again), i think they're some kind of air cadets or navy group. i saw them marching in a row. there are hordes of cars outside and most of them have military related bumper stickers.

mid-afternoon i felt a need to escape, so i biked to melissa's. i really appreciated visiting with her, i even had a good cry on her couch.

earlier i cleaned my windows. they look all sparkley and clean :D

couple announcements or heads up for upcoming events:
next saturday is the skeleton park music festival which is really great. i'm volunteering, doing gear check like last year.
and in august is the wolfe island music festival which i'm really looking forward to. i'll be camping with my family that week, we're arriving home the day of the festival. i've already talked to joy about us coming home early morning so i can be there to see wolf parade at noon. i heart wolf parade, that'll be cool.

ok well, hope you're all well. i'm sending out my love from me to you.

no matter what i do for you it's never really enough.
you know, i try so hard for you just to hear you say
"it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be ok!"

mosquito

hanging out with your co-workers outside of work can be very revealing. knickers and i have never spent time together socially before. i think she got a glimpse into my life that she didn't know existed. i'm glad. she would occasionally make comments that lead me to believe she thought i had no life. not anymore. indeed, i'm glad she knows different now.

conveniently i wait avoid these feelings and other mistakes.

helicopter

i've been feeling somewhat indecisive lately. i feel like just being at home, and yet i want company, and yet, not enough to invite anyone over. THANKFULLY, i've scored on guests in spite of myself. monday melissa came over, yesterday i bumped into rhonda & isaac on the street and this evening my dad popped by. we drank tea and ate cookies on my beloved balcony. he chatted my ear off while i did crossword puzzles.

i have officially met & had a conversation with my new neighbours downstairs. they're really nice. i like the girl a lot, her name is katie. i think i might invite her up for a visit sometime. she baked me cookies, the exact cookies i shared with my dad. i asked them if it's ok if i use their composter, they said that was fine. that's good. it's surprising that i WANT to compost, composting used to really gross me out as a kid. i guess that's a part of growing up, understanding the reasons why we do the things we do.

i've been shy lately. i hate that. my shyness is directly related to how insecure i'm feeling. i've also been a little paranoid. very few people read pspd anymore. that makes me feel insecure as well. MAN, i'm riddled with insecurity lately. what happened to me!?!?

i think i've finally blown the speakers in my car stereo. i guess it's about time, i do usually blare my music full blast in the car. i'm surprised it didn't happen before now actually. even so it's disappointing.

i've been going to bed quite early all week. it's been good, it's easier getting out of bed when you've slept well.

you think you understand how really broke i am.

brave

timing is everything.

i can't find my stash of postcards. i have a whole bunch of them SOMEWHERE in this house, but i don't know where. argh!! hence the reason i haven't been sending many lately. and as a result haven't been receiving any either. although, i did get the creepiest mannequin heads postcard from beck last week. it was awesome :)

sometimes it's enough to do something well anonymously. to not need any credit for it. to take pleasure in the work and not in the praise.

so exciting. i used mint and chives from my garden for the first time :) ruth next door told me my garden is putting them to shame. it's a regular oasis out there!

sometimes talking it out does do a thing.

i really want to help you let you feel free,
but i haven't much hope left and i'm saving it for me.

cumulus

this has been the epitome of a perfect summer evening and i spent it mellowly. i had a shower and got into my nighty just after dinner. i let my hair air-dry while it was still light outside. it reminded me of what it's like being a kid, when time moves slowly and you don't think about the future beyond bedtime.

now that summer has truly arrived, i've taken my last comforter off my bed. now i just have a sheet and my top duvet. i want to get a bedspread though – just for summertime – but those cost money (which is something i DON'T have due to 2 car repairs and a cat spaying within 3 weeks). i've been kicked where it hurts, and it hurts. until i recoup, i'll just have to make due with what i have. maybe i'll dig out my ratty old/ripped up bedspread. that might do the trick, if it doesn't completely fall apart.

is one really the loneliest number? i'm not so sure about that. i had a LOVELY evening all by myself.

buy this car to drive to work,
drive to work to pay for this car.

shoes

i recently read a book called the weight of water. then yesterday melissa, lyon and i went to see away from her. today, i wikipediaed sarah polley (because she directed away from her). included in her filmography was a movie called the weight of water. so i thought to myself "hmm, could this be the same weight of water??" and sure enough it was! so i decided i would rent it tonight. it's been a while since i did the monday night movie thing. let me skip over some details here.... melissa watched it with me. i think i can speak for both of us when i say that we were greatly disturbed. it was really creepy and well... disturbing. the strange thing is that i didn't find the book scary. maybe because i could skip over unsettling parts. i really don't suggest it (the movie). but do consider reading the book.

they gave us all pedometers at work today. it's a part of this new walking initiative. so far today i've walked 6727 steps. actually, i'm sure i've walked more, it's a faulty system. unless i exaggerate my steps it doesn't pick up on them. so i'm gonna round it up. to 10,000. i heard recently that people should be walking an average of 10,000 steps per day. wow, i'm pretty good. right on the money...

eww. sticky contacts.

why does it have to be bed time? i wish the evening was just beginning...

nothing is ever as it seems.

dilemma

it's unfortunate that the most interesting things going on in my life are things i can't discuss on pspd. but that's nothing new i guess.

i was at sarah's house the other night. during our conversation, we concluded that common interests are not necessarily the basis of a friendship. instead, it's a common interest in each other that forms relationships. i find that amazing, and true.

i bought a thermometer last weekend. i'd grown suspicious that the environment canada website was not consistently correct. on friday morning, i woke to a airy and yet not cold new day, however the website told me it was 16º, when i looked at my thermometer, IT said 23º. i'm so glad i invested in that device, because i was wondering if i was going crazy.

my car is in the shop again. melissa has lent me her car to get to work tomorrow. i really appreciate that. i'm holding my breath, hoping this won't be a huge expensive repair. my breaks have seized or something. yikes.

today i went to the movies on a sunday for the very first time. but it was just the screening room, so that doesn't really count. i remember years ago my exboyfriend suggesting that we go to the movies on a sunday night. i sheepishly told him "i've never been to the movies on a sunday before". he rolled his eyes at me as if to say "whatever" and that idea was disregarded. i don't like people who don't challenge me on why i do the things i do, and i think he was wrong to just conform and not question my actions. that creates a stagnant way of living.

my bird feeder has been discovered!!! i've had two little swallows coming by frequently. yay!!

too bad you had to have a better half.

cartwheels

will someone PLEASE make them STOP!! oh the humanity!?!?! the bagpipes are incessantly wailing. and it's making me CRAZY!?!?!?!?!

dispoz-o

i feel like i've lived a number of days all in one. today was very full.

they've been renovating my office. i got new carpet in my cube. i am delighted. it's pretty and thick, and it helps minimize noise and sound travels. right on. i find this especially helpful, since more than once i've wondered in hindsight at the volume of my voice.

it was also a special day at work because i FINALLY got to take a ride on the train!!! yay!! it was super fun! i felt like i was on a roller-coaster. we all got lined up, and everyone was excited.

when looking at the picture of a train today i thought "it looks like it has no arms", which is hilarious!! of course it doesn't have arms, why would that be strange!!?!?! who can figure what goes on inside my brain.

honey got a hysterectomy. all went well. no more potential embred kitties here at the maxi-pad.

so i thank the Lord,
and i thank his sword.
'tho it be mincing up the morning, slightly bored,
oh, oh morning without warning like a hole.

grace

we've been reunited. me and the other pea in my pod. i love him madly – more than a friend, less than a lover. something else entirely.

i'm the only one not laughing.

falling

it's infecting me. one tiny conflict is eating away at me, and the thing is, it's not something i even care about. and yet i'm finding it's taking the pleasure out of my day. i hope i've seen the end of it. i've washed my hands.

i think a good nights sleep is in order. this cold weather is dampening my spirits like a wet blanket. i'm lethargic and overly sensitive.

throughout the day i found i was feeling a little isolated and detached. something's knocked my dominos and set them all off. however, i found upon arriving at next for jon sears' going away party, i was on the upswing. all i needed was a little shot of community, and i felt a lot better. i had a really good time, it was fun just hangin out all together.

the silence feels longer due to the state of my mind.

i sat beside a famous guy on the train to toronto. i looked him up today on wikipedia, he was on blue murder. he was kind of pompous and obnoxious, talking on his handy all the way to belleville. i found it amusing nonetheless, i laughed at him when i was looking the other way.

i've called my landlord to seek his approval to paint my back porch. it just has faux wood-paneling right now. i think it would look much better painted white. it's the entryway of my house for crying out loud, i want it to look half-decent. the rest of the place is really super! i'm going to presume that if i don't hear back from him that it's ok. i'm going to paint the stairwell this bright turquoise colour little r gave me. exciting. i love painting.

i got TWO phone books today. does anyone need a spare one?? they STILL have my name spelled wrong. ARGH!!

he is a man who will never cease to amaze me. for that, and many other reasons, i will hold him in my heart always. he will conjure up warm fuzzy feelings in me all my days.

please don't let this turn into something it's not.

silly string

one thing's for certain. i CANNOT hold my alcohol. oh dear. i drank two glasses of wine on the train home to kingston and i was so tipsy (possibly more). my eyes were not in sync and i was all dizzy. the worst part is that my dad was picking me up at the station to go to caleb's 2nd birthday party, so i had to sober up FAST.

anyway, i went to toronto to the conference and "rail rodeo". i met up with helen at the osgoode station and she came with me to get checked into the hotel. when we walked into the sheridan it was full of suits and business people. i bumped into one of my co-workers and introduced him to helen. afterwards she told me "you are WAY too hip & funky to be working with these people, i'm having a hard time imagining it". it was funny, but i must admit it does seem pretty odd. i must seem quite foreign in the business world.

from the hotel we went down queen street, then to china town. we went to kensington market where i bought this really awesome shirt that passed my "rachel erb test" for 8 bux. i ended up wearing it today to the exhibition, i feel i was both professional AND boho. anyway, from there we went to this really cool restaurant called "shanghai cowgirl", which was really awesome and the food was most creative.

the exhibition itself was fine, nothing exciting and quite tiring. i was very proud because we had the nicest booth and it was very impressive. we also had the nicest gifts. i decided to take an earlier train home instead of the 6:30 one i was booked for so i could be home in time for caleb's birthday party.

so, like i've mentioned, mr caleb turned two years old today. this pic is a little blurry because joelle shot me (and my camera) with a watergun, but i like it regardless.


yesterday feels like a long time ago. sunday feels surreal.

sometimes blogging is lonely and i wish i had someone real to talk to.

flickr

anyone is pretty when she smiles,
me, i'm only pretty when i'm crying.

thermometer

my family is crazy. not my immediate family, but my paternal extended family. my cousin and her family stayed at joy's house last night because they were in the area for a wedding. katie & chris are very nice. i decided to join them for lunch because i have next to no contact with the mcknights so i thought having a visit every few years couldn't hurt. i think it's pretty safe to say that it is the opinion of all the mcknights that everyone ELSE the family is insane. which i find hilarious and it makes me thankful that my contact is so minimal.

anyway, joy and i had arranged that i would meet them at the lone star at 12:30. our church service didn't end until about 12:40, seeing as i was already late i rushed out right away. when i arrived at the restaurant i couldn't find them. i looked both inside and outside twice, call their house, called my house, called my mom's house. after waiting for 20 minutes i was a little annoyed and decided to go home. so i biked all the way up queen street and thru the back streets of my hood. when i got home, there was a message from my mom saying "we're at the restaurant if you want to join us". they were almost an HOUR late. ARGH!!!!! so i got on my bicycle and biked all the way down there AGAIN! i was VERY hot and VERY sweaty. but at least i got loads of exercise this weekend.

tomorrow i'm going to toronto for the APTA conference/exhibition. i'm excited. i need to find something professional to wear, i'm gonna stop at the mall on the way to the train station. the problem is... how do i dress professional without selling out!??! tricky. i've made plans to meet up with helen for dinner and some hangoutage. we're going to go to kensington market or queen street west. i'm looking forward to that. yay! AND i'm going to take my swimsuit in case i get the chance to go swimming :D i hope the knickers won't get me in trouble for taking advantage of my time in T.O. like i hope she's not expecting to have dinner with me on monday evening.

i was born to laugh,
i learned to laugh through my tears.
i was born to love,
i'm gonna learn to love without fear.

through

i gave joelle a bath tonight. i've never bathed anyone before, it was fun. i like shampooing her hair. i envy her hooded towel. i'd like a hooded towel myself. i think i should make one. hm, that would be quite difficult. especially since i have a knack for breaking sewing machines, so i'd have to do it by hand.

tonight joy, tim and i had a candid conversation about weed. it was very interesting. i'd never told them that my last serious boyfriend (YEARS ago) was a huge pothead. they said nothing. i'm not sure if that surprised them, they never liked him. it was a difficult year. anyway, i divulged upon them my extensive drug knowledge that i acquired during that year long relationship. i've never smoked the pot myself, that's what makes it so ironic.

i have a secret. and it's really funny.

i folded my laundry on my balcony tonight at 11:30 p.m. the air was still and yet had substance. i was astonished to discover how well sound travels in the nighttime. i could hear the entire conversation of a couple walking down the street, that would never happen in the daytime. what is it about night that makes it so beautiful?

i planted parsley in my garden. i'm well on my way to a green-thumb.

it means nothing to me.

fire

the bushes at our house on pine street are in bloom. the look really lovely. just wanted to let you know.

it's all a matter of your definition.

what can I do to make this change?

lobster

you know what?? i think it would be awesome to be able to read everyone's invisible "hello, i'm...." sticker. mine would be... "hello, i'm a scrapper". what would yours be??

i've come to the conclusion that there's something to be said about being very clear. most of the people in my life who i'm closest to are terrible at hiding their feelings. now, i realize that since we're close there's a certain level of openness uncommon in general settings. however, i'm not referring to only private conversations. i know when melinda is upset about something – it's obvious. i know how rhonda's reacting to something even before she vocalizes it – it's obvious. and so on. since transparency is so normal to me, it's only just dawned on me that not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve and i think that's a shame. interacting with people with a chronic pokerface is beyond difficult.

the moon is glowing a deep yellow tonight.

when i'm bored, i'll let you know.

horseshoe

i am not afraid.

when i get my car repaired, it's sometimes disappointing because the change is hardly noticeable. part of me wants it to spit fire out of the exhaust pipe or something. for there to be SOMETHING noticeably different. on the other hand, if getting my wheels aligned causes my car to spit fire, i'm thinkin' i'd have to take it back for a second opinion. however, i found today, that the batmobile wasn't running normally today, or at least correctly as it should after a repair. it's still shaking a little, i am not pleased. i'll have to swing by tomorrow to complain. ugh.

since SOMEONE has questioned the amount of work i ACTUALLY do at while on the job, i thought i'd post a little "day in the life of lesley". this is what i did today. an average day (but not a typical day, because i do different things all the time) :
• checked emails/returned phone-calls (work emails – not gmails)
• updated monthly report for senior director
• read about bbd in the news
• called rowena at the government of ontario regarding the tradeshow in mozambique
• researched/analyzed website in preparation for conference call
• began work on powerpoint presentation for APTA conference
• one hour conference call with colleagues in berlin and pittsburgh
(lunchtime)
• continued work on presentation
• selected videos of products, uploaded them to "restricted file transfer site", then notified berlin that the files were available online.
• discussed advanced rapid transit brochure with colleagues
• more work on APTA presentation
(hometime)
usually, if there's time to send an email, i will do it between such tasks.

blah, blah, i'm sure that seems very dry to most of you, but it's a good job and i enjoy it :) i get to slouch in my chair, listen to music all day and take my shoes off.

i'm very content with how my life is currently. i've become serenely independent. that catches me off guard a little, but it's not bad, it's kind of a nice surprise.

every time things go so well,
i think of all the things that have gone this wrong.

mint

i had melissa over for dinner tonight. it made me feel like such a grown-up. cooking, especially cooking for other people, is not something i'm comfortable doing. but sometimes i make some nice little meals and i think to myself "this was simple, i could do this for a guest sometime". so i took the plunge and had the lovely lissa for dinna.

before she arrived the telephone rang long-distance. my call display showed a 1-877 number. i don't know what compelled me to answer it, but it was a lady calling from the government of ontario conducting a survey and was wondering if i was able to participate. i agreed. a lot of it was about energy consumption, green-house gases and yogurt (i know, that part puzzled me too. they wanted me to list all the brands of yogurt i can think of. this was difficult since i have an aversion to yogurt and think it's texture is like mucus). anyway, i really like doing surveys. they're like tests that i know all the answers to. i feel like a genius! i found it very interesting that the first thing that came to mind to the question "what can the government do to reduce green-house gases?" was "increase mass/public transit". haha, that's my bbd blood kicking in. clearly, i'm sold on my company.

you're insecure, but that's no excuse.

empower

victor just sent me some photos from our trip to the giraffe sanctuary. here's a pic of me feeding one of the giraffes. they have crazy long sticky-slimey tongues. it was crazy and yet fun.

jase, notice the infotourist shirt!?!? ;)

i think i talk too much. and i share too much of myself without discretion.

the timing's never been worse.

almighty

brenda talked about accountability at church today. actually, that was one of four topics, but anyway. i'm so thankful for my friends who keep me accountable. for beckie emailing me today telling me i didn't have her permission to do "such-and-such". i think she would do no less than kick my ass if i did something stupid. i'm so thankful for all my friends who keep me line, and for pspd – the way that i'm accountable to you guys :)

i'm a bit of an explosive person and sometimes my explosions come out of my mouth like a freudian slip. oh man, what else can i do but flop around on my floor later thinking "oh frig, i really didn't me it to sound that way. where did that come from!?!?!"

i hate feeling inadequate.

i have a friend i've never seen,
he hides his head inside a dream.

kazoo

today was a guy friends day. which is sort of strange for me since it's been a while since i had some good guy friends, and now i have several. i find being friends with a guy who's in a relationship (either married or in serious dating relationship) much simpler.

i woke up fairly early and wandered to street's of the williamsville district looking for pancake mix. i wanted the "just add water" kind, but came home empty handed. well not exactly, but it was empty of pancake mix. i decided i was in no rush to get showered & dressed and highly enjoyed reading on the balcony. it was very relaxing. in early afternoon tim lyon showed up to give me the files for his business card that he needs updated in adobe indesign. so i sat on the driveway with him in my pjs for quite awhile. then we sat on the floor of my balcony for another while, which is odd since i do have chairs out there.

not long after tim left and i actually brushed my teeth for the first time today, did my dad show up. we had a cup of tea. it was nice. he's planning a garden at joy's house, since they're not great gardeners, and my dad is. i'm glad for him, that will be a nice hobby. he always had a nice garden when i was a kid. he's also joined a soft-ball team for retired men. i'm really excited for him, he's a real social person but doesn't get a lot of opportunities to make friends.

then this evening terrence and i went to see shrek. helen is working in t.o. for the summer b/c she has a good job there, so terrence is here all on his own. it was fun, we stopped in a minotaur and wrestled with those metal puzzle things. very cool. and after the flick we went to the goat. making it there just in time for them to be denied dinner. and i was craving the sommerville curry too! now i'll have to wait til wednesday at the least! argh. it's been about a month since i was at the goat last. i had a good time, we had a really interesting and thought-provoking conversation.

maybe i feel detached,
i may just look too shy.

tortuga

walking down princess street today, my feet felt constrained. so i took off my shoes and walked barefoot. this was not the "urban centre" part of princess, more the "broken-glass/dirty syringe" part, but i fine. no cuts, just black soles. it was fun, and felt more natural. my feet were made for walking.

i'm gonna be bad and just get into bed.

don't bother calling back.
no really, don't bother.

rust

i'm the last of the mohicans.

for the first time in modern western society, i find myself without crush. this is the first time i can think of that i don't have feelings for some guy, and i'm telling ya... that's something special. i'm really enjoying it. i don't spend hours mooning over someone, missing someone, daydreaming about someone. it's so liberating to not be consumed that way. and thankfully, i'm not finding it too boring. probably because it's summer and there's loads to do. i think i feel like a woman for the first time in my life. i don't want anyone interfering or knocking me of kilter. keep the men away. keep them all at bay.

i'm tangled up in tries,
slipping on i wonder why.

luscious

did i tell you about the lump on honey's neck?? i think i did. well i took her to the vet today. we think (and are not completely sure) that she has ringworm. eww. to my utter relief ringworm is not an actual worm. it's a fungi. believe me, i would never have expected to be so glad to hear my kat has ringworm, however it can be treated easily, and at minimal cost. she has to wear this elizabethan collar for two week, which is frickin hilarious because she's so tiny and she looks like she's wearing a cape. pekoe seems to take this as an invitation to beat her up. the whole situation (aside from the extremely contagious fungus) is highly amusing.

frig, what's so wrong with a run-on sentence anyway?!?

i've been eating really crappily lately. just the last week or two. it can be a difficult habit to kick, but one that catches up quickly, so it's time to get back on track. i fought the urge all afternoon, and have managed thru this evening as well. although, part of me wants to reward myself by having some chips. err, inner battle. must. not. cave.

ok, it's time for all good lesleys to retire to bed and read.

beauty's just another word.

cryptic

i've lost faith in romantic notions.
and believe i'm better for it.

the modern town hardly knows silence.

popsicle

i planted my garden today. i'm so pleased, it makes me jump around and make excited sounds. i tried to take what i was doing very seriously and measured exactly 2 inches of pebbles at the bottom of each pot. i wanted to do it right and to do what it takes to ensure my garden's success. i think i'll tend it with more care than i thought i was capable of, because i'm already taking so much pleasure in it.


man, i'm having a dreadful hair-day today. yikes!

this afternoon melissa and i tag-teamed brownie making and bbq assembly. we were victorious with both, but the bbq was sightly more challenging – but we conquered.

in the evening i hung out with helen & terrence just returned from their honeymoon. it was fun going thru all their gifts, some of them totally astound me. who gives gifts like that to a young hip couple!?!? anyway, they passed along a spice-rack to me AND they got me this really awesome ugly cat button. which is great because i've been thinking lately that i need some new buttons. i feel so domesticated with my new spice-rack.

look at the trees,
and look at my face,
and look at a place far away from here.

tire swing

i am tickled pink. i've begun a balcony garden. i'm really happy too because i've managed to be frugal. i got some bricks from joy & tim, some limestone rocks from the roadside, and some pebbles for the bottom of my pots from the playground across the street. the only things i bought were the plants, four pots from value village and some twinkle lights (you CAN buy them in the summer time, they're in the gardening section). just as i was really building momentum my dad arrived and invited me to join him at the base for dinner. it's been a while since i spent time with him so i went along. i'm glad i went. early this afternoon i went to joy's for a bbq. it was just us because my mom went away for the weekend (without telling me! actually, that's ok, it's just the first time is all). tim ended up leaving to go paint-balling with his sister's husband, so that left me and joy. which was nice because that hardly ever happens. we decided we need to make more time to spend with each other. when i get my balcony all jazzed up i'll have the whole mcknight-olding clan over. i've been thinking about having a girly garden party this summer as well. not girly in the sense that we'll sit around and paint our nails, but meaning just girls. that would be fun. you're all invited – when i get around to planning it – but don't hold me to this because i'm not guaranteeing it will ever materialize.

it's odd hearing your full name on a stranger's lips. well, he's not exactly a stranger, but i've never told him my name, and it sounded so foreign, as though i was something that existed outside of myself.

the circus was in town, i saw very surprised by the number of picketers and protesters. i didn't realize the circus ignited such fury.

i'm really excited about my garden, and i hope that it turns out to be something i nurture as opposed to neglecting. when i was a kid i'd lose interest in my garden, but i'm hoping that won't happen because i'll be out there every day and will be able to monitor it's progress.

he's in the middle of putting things together and organizing himself.

tent caterpillars

there are elephants across the street from my house.

the white line in the centre of this photo is the fence that keeps them in. haha. i'm not even kidding. it's funny to me that i didn't see any elephants in kenya and yet i did at the m centre.

they are going out to bars
and they are getting into cars
i have seen them with my own eyes.

fabric

God created woman. And indeed, that was the end of boredom.

who cares if i had a secret boyfriend that no one knew about. it wasn't the first time and it may not be the last.

i made another attempt at salsa tonight. melinda heartily approved, which is nice because i don't exactly know what i'm doing so couldn't tell if i'd done it right or not. this time i used very little onion, i figured too little onion was better (and easier to fix) than too much. it turned out ideally.

flickr

i know that it's a secret,
for it's whispered everywhere.

subconscious

my sox are coming along very nicely. remember i'm knitting sox?? they are definitely taking shape, i've passed the heel and DOWN THE STRETCH I COME!

i started my day off on the right foot. almost first thing i was in "get stuff accomplished mode". i took 5 minutes when i first arrived at work to go out to the car with some windex and clean my filthy dashboard. it only gets done about once a year and today i'd had enough. i also finally remembered to take my kenya photos into the office (eek, i sure hope i thought to lock my album in my desk when i left this afternoon), AND i finally made an appointment for honey at the vet about the lump on her neck. and i've just put out the trash. ah, it feels good to get things cross off my virtual list.

i really need to make myself scoop the litter every day. i just hate doing it, but i hate having a stinky kitty litter box as well, so i suppose it's yet another chore that i need to adopt into a habit. i have very successfully absorbed doing dishes and putting my clothes away into my daily life. even when i permit myself to go to bed with a few dishes left, i innately do them first thing the next morning.

i climbing a mountain.

you turn away, and i wonder
was it something i said?

lady jam

last week paul butler called me to help out with something next wednesday night (which was tonight). i didn't fully understand what he was talking about, but when i saw bob and carolyn i told them to tell him i was in. i didn't really matter to me what i was agreeing to do since i knew if the butlers were gonna be there it would be fun, but also i trust paul and know that he wouldn't be asking me to do something ghastly. as it turns out, this evening we went door to door in the ritzy part of town asking for non-perishable food items for the hotel dieu hospital food drive. it was interesting, of course the houses are beautiful, but what was more interesting was the number of these home owners who were not very generous. i kind of wonder if the more wealthy people get the less generous they become. i heard a quote from anne frank recently that said "no one has ever become poor from giving". that has really stuck in my head and i won't forget it. anyway, when we were done our section of k-town, we took off to wendy's, when we were there i pointed out to carolyn that we'd ditched sarah & tara with no booster seat. eek! i wonder what ever became of them. i trust they are ok and carolyn will make it up to them with some cornless chili.

i think this weekend i will splurge and replace all the lights in my apartment with energy saver bulbs. whoa, will that be expensive? maybe i should start by replacing just my main lights. hm, if i buy 16 energy saver bulbs at 10 bux each, that's 160 bux!! hm, maybe they aren't THAT expensive, i haven't a clue the going rate of an energy saver bulb. anyone? anyone?

i got a piece of mail in my box today that i presume is for my new neighbour. get this... her last name is "knight". how funny is that!?!? no wonder the mail carrier got confused.

into the blue again.

honk

i'm older now than i once was, but am still younger than i'll ever be.

there's a thunderstorm outside my window and the breeze is blowing on my skin. it's so peaceful to just sit in silence and listen to the rain on the awning. it's an orchestra in itself.

i've putsied and chored all evening. and i find myself feeling extremely content in my home and comfortable in my own skin. too often i lament over all i don't yet have, but today it sunk-in that it pales in comparison to what i DO have. oh how easy it is to take for granted what was once deeply desired.

i could fill up the lake with all the things i didn't say.

pieces

her right eyeball has gone crazy. what kind of mental illness can an eyeball get??

i had dinner with my mom tonight. we bumped into this woman who was pressuring me to be friends with her daughter. i know her daughter and she makes me very uncomfortable. when the lady was gone i was dreading this predicament when my mom reassured me that i did not have to be the girl's friend and told me "i give you permission to not call her". i like that she does that. my mom has always been willing to be the fall guy. we ended up having a big long conversation about how too often we force ourselves to do something out of obligation or because we think "it's the right thing to do". and concluded that simply not wanting to is reason enough.

now that my mom is back on her rocker, it's fun to see how alike we are. i think she, for a long time, was in denial of her inner free-spirit. i've always been the more wild daughter. i remember talking to my stupid and infuriating "friend" scott, and he would always tell me "you're not wild". this angered me not because i wanted to be a wild free-spirit, but because i hated that scott was boxing me into this dull and boring existence, when actually that's what he was like. to that all i can say is "i'm not who you say i am". it's interesting how people see other's thru a skewed perspective, they only see what they want to see and block out the rest. i'm guilty of that. i was in love with an imaginary man once because that exact problem.

AND....
scene.

i've been learning to drive my whole life.

heel

yesterday i was one of many witnesses to helen & terrence's wedding. it was (aside from my sister's wedding, and obviously for different reasons) my favourite wedding that i've attended. it was really fun. the ceremony was both really funny and very touching. we were all wet-eyed. the whole event was very fun and i'm happy to have been there. i actually had loads more to say but just went to bed instead of writing and now i can't remember. i've had a really busy and social weekend. it's been fun and it's nice to be mingling with new people. i think it's good for me to be stretched in new ways.

i got a slight burn on my face sitting in the lyon's backyard today. then later this afternoon i made salsa, but included too much onion so i feel kind of sick to my stomach.

a chapter in my life has ended and i'm happy as i venture into new meadows. the timing couldn't be better and i'm glad to be saved from myself once again.

i like that leslie feist has made my name cool.

oh i've remembered some. helen and terrence are such a good example of a healthy and functional relationship. within the last 8+ months that i've been getting to know them, i've come to understand by observing them that healthy relationships are only possible when both people are healthy and functional. they're such a great pair. if i were ever to believed in soul-mates, it would be them.

and even though it all went wrong,
i'll stand before the lord of song
with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah.

sojourn

i have bruises on my shins.

pekoe has be neutralized.
at half the cost.

it's nighty weather.

i have an obsession with rag rugs.

did you know it took the hindenburg
5 days and 19 hours to cross the atlantic?

sorry your car-pooler turned out to be crazy.

the sound of outside pours in thru my windows and into my ears.
it tells me that there's a world within my reach and only some drapes divide us.

i've traded my tea cup for a nalgene bottle and a straw.

they don't know where,
and they don't know when.

bumble bees

there are "signs" everywhere i go. they aren't really signs, are they?

when i was a kid, my dad was very adamant about me not writing on my skin. to this day i can't comprehend why. but now that i'm "big" i delight in my freedom to draw on my skin as much as i'd like. and i do it often.

to my utter dismay, they've turned on the air-conditioning at work. oh BARF. it's only MAY!!! what... the moment it's slightly warm and they don't have to pay for heating anymore they decide to flush more money down the drain by cranking the a/c!?!?! just when i thought i was out of sock season. i'm still not going to wear sox. i LOVE bare feet, AND not wearing sox means i don't have to do laundry as often ;)

it hit me today, i have a highly refined routine. i'm very in sync. i think i actually have "it" together for the first time in my life. it's really nice. i'm surprised that being so systematic doesn't freak me out, but it's because it's a method. i'm very methodical, it helps me function. although, i can understand how living alone can make a person stuck in her ways. but it's ok for now, and i kind of like it.

i only want what i can’t have.

utilize

it felt good to talk about it. it felt good to not talk about it.

some days we can get a glimpse of ourselves and be surprised by what we see. right now i'm getting both good and bad glances. i wish i could dislodge chunks of my mind.

i laid leisurely on my balcony today as the world passed me by. it's nice to be reunited with my outdoor-living room. i'd like to get some twinkle lights to string up on the awning, they're probably out of season though, right??

i'm exhausted. and i'm delighted to be turning in early ;) and out go my lights...

you're the one eyed feather,
you're the lion's mane.

alfred sung

i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but for a number of years i've hoped to some day fly a kite at the memorial centre. tonight when i was at costco with terrence & helen they bought me a pirate ship kite! so this combines my dream of kite flying with my love of pirates!!! it's so rad. i canny wait to fly it!!

yes, as previously mentioned i was at costco with the soon to be mr-and-mrs shopping for household/wedding stuff. it was fun, we ate samples and rode around on the cart. we also ventured over to the mall where we picked up a number of things, and spend an undetermined amount of time sitting on the floor in front of a pile of knives.

i got everything sorted out with the bank. the lady looked at me like i was a bit of an idiot when i said "here's the cheque i MEANT to deposit", but wasn't rude. sometimes peoples faces don't correspond to the actions. sometimes my face doesn't correspond with my actions...

don't know where we're going....
let's go!

displaced

my goodness, this has been a long and full day. this afternoon i hung-out with terrence & helen and occasionally sandwich joined us too. we went to copper penny where i left my helmet and didn't remember until almost an hour later. i love my helmet it's so cool and reflective. i often get people commenting on it, it looks like a harley-davidson helmet. herrence & telen have moved into princess towers, which is SO funny since it's the weirdest and ugliest building in the city. i was so excited to see it because i've never been in there before and i consider it quite the anomaly. it's like a crazy labyrinth. like, we have to take the elevator to the 6th floor the go down a flight of stairs to get to their apartment. it's really odd. helen gave me this really beautiful boutique of flowers from her bachorlette party. i have two vases full – one of pink roses and one of an assortment. so beautiful and they smell lovely!! yay!

unfortunately among the crazy adventure in the tower, coppy penny and catherine's house, i managed to forget that i had plans with melissa to go to parrot bay conservation area :( i feel badly for standing her up, but thankfully she came over this evening for a visit. it was really nice, we had a good talk. she came over at the right time since i'd been lying curled into a ball on my bed feeling rather confused. we drank tea and ate meat.

thank you for diverting my crisis.

there is water
at the bottom of the ocean.

mystery solved

it turns out i deposited an empty envelope in a bank machine the other day, i found the cheque i intended to deposit in my folder. PHEW! well that explains why they ate my card.

argh! sometimes i'm such a dummy :p

artel

my mind has been drifting to persons and thoughts i'd prefer to forget about. i tell myself it gets easier with time, but then out of the blue my brain fills like a bucket and there's little i can do. i suppose i knew, as the day approaches, this was bound to happen. maybe it has nothing to do with current events, but there's no way of knowing for sure. i will get thru. i'll clench my teeth and pretend to be brave because in doing so i may convince myself that i am.

a bank machine confiscated my card today as soon as i inserted it. so now i haven't a penny to my name and no freakin' debit card til monday. good thing the goat takes visa.

today i bought some straps to tether my pants while i ride my bike. so now i ride around with my skater helmet and bell-bottoms tightly fastened to my legs with my pig-tails blowing in the wind. i'm some kind of crazy juxtaposition of who knows what.

this afternoon i painted the second coat of stain on my balcony. it looks good. it was difficult with the wind and my paint tray kept flipping over and flying away. it was messy.

he told to tell me i sway more when i walk if i know that he's watching. i think he's right.

you may ask yourself
am i right? ...am i wrong?
and you may tell yourself
my god!...what have i done?

hiccup

last night i woke up at 3 am for no particular reason, i decided to check the time, but found my clock was blank. i tried to flick on the light but the power was out. i can't recall why, but i looked out my window to only to find my street swarming with firetrucks, police cars and firemen with hoses. it was crazy! the barns of the memorial centre were set on fire, but by that time it was out. too bad, it would have been a sight to see!! estimated $75,000 damage. i set the alarm on my handy, and when it went off at 6:25 the power was STILL out. i had to shower by candle light. haha.

i'm getting the hang of knitting sox. melissa was right, it's pretty easy! although, i've had to rip it out twice and start over, but now it's going swimmingly. i've come up with a plan to knit a bunch of sox because i need more but they're not the kind of thing i like to spend money on. it makes perfect sense! i get a knitting project AND new sox. with the added bonus of them being super cool and colourful. radical.

i hate it when people give me ill-advise just because it suits their fancy. bad advise that in turn make them better off. that's cruel. check your motives and i'll check mine.

would you send me a sign,
cause i just gotta know if i'm wasting my time!

rasputin

obviously the world is made up of different cultures. but i think that within each culture there are two distinctly different forms. men & women. i think the culture of men is extremely different from the culture of women. if i was to research a topic and write a thesis, i think it would be on the cultural differences of men and women. this goes beyond the differences of their logic, their emotions and their bodies. for example... why are there more men criminals? more male athletes?
in guy movies, it's not uncommon to have an entire film where there are no women, if there are any, it's just for the token sex scene. chick flicks are fundamentally made up of love stories. occasionally you'll find a girl movie about a mother-daughter relationship, or about girlfriends. but by in large, these topics still somehow include men. why can't women exist without coexisting??
when i was in the upper grades of public school, recesses were determined by what the boys were doing. whatever sport or activity they were doing, we would be close by, on the sidelines, usually watching them. my mom tells me that's a universal trait.
i think these things go far beyond conditioning. i think it's not just a matter of how we're raised. because children these days are growing up in a society where men and women "officially" have equal opportunities. so what gives?? it baffles me.

i've liked feeling like i'm coming of age. although, i'm finding that most of the "coming" part is behind me, and i don't know where that leaves me.

i propose we do away with the use of u's after q's. we all know that q's can't be used without u's, so why not just assume it's there!?! words will now be condensed to be like so: qick, qeen, qarter, qote and so on. any qestions? ok fine, that won't work. i fold.

i could take another hit for you.

excavate

on beautiful days its difficult to sit indoors under fluorescent lights and stained ceiling tiles. this afternoon i took off my sox and walked around barefoot. so gloriously liberating! it felt like a party in my cube.

rhonda often says that being a teenager should constitute temporary insanity. i think the insane period goes beyond the teen years into the mid-20s. i know a limited number of people who weren't totally off their rocker until their late-20s, and to make matters worse, they were unaware of their crazy state. i include myself in this statistic.

i could be classified as a "driven person", this is probably because i can't feel at ease until i've done something towards resolving the situation. if there's something that can be done to stop me from further problems, it's likely that i'll do it. i'm really sure i wasn't always that kind of person.

i've heard it said that there are three kinds of people. 1) looking back, 2) present only, 3) future looking. i can't clearly identify myself with any category, but i wish i did a little more of present only thinking. but it's hard because there's so much behind me and so much ahead of me, and right now is so much shorter than the other two options.

she can read, she can read, she can read, she can read,
she's bad.

matatu

well...

today is the first of may. it's officially moving day for a large chunk of kingston and presumably other cities too. when i got up today, i was surprised because there was no movement below. everything appeared as usual, and showed no signs of being packed. when i got home i found another car parked in my driveway and a massive pile of garbage on the front lawn. it was indeed moving day. does anyone want a sectional couch??

i echo the sentiments of melissa, who told me today how glad she is that she's not moving. i too, am glad that i'm not shuffling this year, but will continue here in my home. i moved 11 times from 1999 to 2006. eleven moves in seven years. i'm happy to stay put for a while.

SO. the final word came on my vacation today, official decisions have been made. pamela is not able to come and visit this year, SO my three weeks vacation will break-down like this... one week camping with my family, and two weeks on the east-coast with melinda. we'll do a massive road trip out to PEI and spend a couple nights in halifax too. should be fun. i'm looking forward to it.

today i learned just how unsafe 600 volts is.
i need to buy steel-toe shoes.

i'm sleepy.

i'm looking for a thrill,
something to ease my will.