sophisticated

so it seems that francisco has skipped town without buying me lunch. "conveniently" he was "spontaneously" sent to mexico on business. i was told he was cheap, but that seems a little extreme. i'll have go nab him before i go on vacation, i will collect on my prize.

a couple weeks ago at living room our ice breaker question was "what do you own that you wish you didn't?" my item was my dishwasher. it doesn't work as well as i'd like, and therefore i never use it. it's a counter-top dishwasher taking up space and is often mistaken for a large microwave. jonathan asked me why i don't just get rid of it, which has got me wondering why i don't. and have thus decided to put it into storage, BUT not until i find something to replace it in the kitchen. i use it as another surface top and keep things on it. so i've decided to find some kind of thin book shelf (probably about 6 to 8 inches in depth, but about 3 to 4 ft wide) to use as a substitute. preferably something wooden. yes, i think that will look quite nice.

and i wanna fly,
and never come down,
and live my life,
and have friends around.

caspian

well... knickers' first reaction to my hair was "ewwww, i would NOT want to put my fingers thru your hair". but then later in the day she had all kinds of questions and didn't seem as disgusted. so i think my dreads are growing on her. tomorrow i'll wear it down so they can get a better look – i had it up in a ponytail to be more subtle. frank pointed them out with a twinkle in his eye, i think he found them amusing at the very least. for the most part, no one commented at all, i'm somewhat convinced most of the men didn't even notice there was something different about me. i'm relieved it seems to be such a non-issue, and it makes me even more glad that i decided to do it.

oddly enough, i won the superbowl pool at work :S i know. it's totally weird, especially since i didn't and have never watched a game. but i got a little bit of help from dave b – he gave an almost perfect prediction which won me a free lunch with francisco. i almost feel guilty for taking first place when all i did was have the smarts to ask someone intelligent. however, i'll enjoy the victory as it doesn't happen very often, and i'm sure i'll enjoy my free lunch too. i'm not one to turn down free food.

i got an email from helen today telling me that they miss me because there's no one with my unique brand of spunk and groundedness in TO. i thought that was nice. kind words are like oil in my lamp. i miss t&h too, i'm gonna have to figure out a way to visit them, i next to never go to toronto, but that's probably just because i'm lazy or poor at planning without purpose.

you taste so sweet
when you are so free.

toothy

despite what we thought, you actually made an impression on me. a greater one than we realized. i can feel it in your absence – like a hand-print in wet cement.

i'm slowly adjusting to my dreadlocks. i think they're a bigger adjustment for me than they are for the people who have to look at me. i'm accustomed to seeing myself with very smooth and silky hair, this new do is quite foreign. but i like it, i like the different ways of wearing it. right now it's pulled back into a high ponytail, and i must admit it really does suit me – even more than my natural hair-style. i don't expect it will be an easy sell at work tomorrow, my job was the biggest barrier for me to overcome in my decision to get dreads. but i've gotten over it, it's just the initial reaction that i'm dreading (haha, dreading). my family i'm not concerned about, they're less opinionated and know me better. my dad told me the other day that he approached a woman at the library and said "by any chance are you an artist?" and she said "as a matter of fact, i am! why do you ask?" he told her "you look like an artist. my daughter is the same way". i don't expect my workplace to find it as charming. BUT they might surprise me. i know the most significant misconception (hygiene) will be an important one to clear up. so let me tell you also, yes i will continue to wash my hair as regularly as before, i just have to use a different kind of shampoo and no conditioner. the shampoo is cool, it's just a bar and i rub it all over my head, i like it a lot. so far reception to my hair has been very positive, but i'm sure all those who hate it just keep their mouths shut. hopefully my colleagues will have the same sense to remain silent.

oddly enough, the more time passes the more it feels like that never happened. it was just a dream.

there's a lot i want to say. but am finding they are things reserved for one person and not for everyone. sometimes we don't get the opportunity.

celebrate your dreams when you are away.

sinnerman

believe it or not... but i actually took the plunge and got dreadlocks – in spite of my hesitation.


i went to rachel's place around 4:20 pm, we got started around 4:40 pm and we finished at around 12:15 am. we did very well considering we stopped for about an hour for dinner. the team of dreaders included rach, jill and shannon. they all did a fantastic job. they each have their own signature style, and i love that my hair bears testiment to that. how it works is they use a flea comb to backcomb into a dread then palm roll it. it's very time consuming. but was really fun, we just chatted and listened to music, and i read the kids stories while they were still awake. i particularly enjoyed getting to know jill better. they all think it looks fantastic (particularly because my hair is so long), and jason said it looks good too. they think it really suits me. jase said that my regular hair isn't crazy enough for my personality, but my dreads are a little closer. right now they're super poofy, so i tied them back into pigtails for this photo. i look pretty tired, because i am. you might be able to tell in the above photo that i've put wooden beads on several of the strands, it's pretty exciting :) you might also be able to see that i left the bangs area undreaded. the photo below is the mighty girls at work, i've promised them all that i will return the favour.

right now i don't know how long i'll have them for. i'm thinking 6 months. definitely not more than a year because i want to comb them out and if it's over a year that will be next to impossible to do. i would never have done it if it meant shaving my head, so rest assured all you people freaking out about my long smooth locks, they have not been destroyed.

put on a smile,
breathe it in,
and breathe it out.

------------------------
addendum:
in the morning...

beads

EVERYONE! please send me your book suggestions. i need a few good ones to take with me to mexico, and could use many suggestions for my "to read" list. comment or email me your favourite books, or books you really enjoyed and think i would like. i'll read pretty much anything if it's well written – except i'm not a fan of scary. 

your help is appreciated.

the seasons have changed and so have we.

knotty

i'm really digging this going to bed on time thing. it's awesome.

my house is covered in very sharp icicles. sometimes i wonder if one might fall when i'm right underneath it, that would not be good.

my dad took me out for dinner tonight. it'd been a while since i saw him. i like my dad, we talked about books and foreign films. i couldn't help but notice how similar his fingers are to mine. sometimes it's like i was adopted and am surprised to discover that i have the same physical traits as someone else.

it seems to me that bad news provides more fuel for conversation that good news. sometimes good news is a conversation killer. that's probably why newspapers are filled with tragedy and scandal. not because there's more bad in the world than good, but because there's just nothing to say about good things. it's kind of sad really.

we're not the same, dear, as we used to be.

delayed

bren and i went to see doubt tonight at the screening room. it was very good and effective at accomplishing what it sets out to do. and for the record, some nuns DO wear wedding rings :)

i feel as though i'm slowly getting back on top of things after who knows how long. i actually shoveled by walkway today. yesterday i put away all my clothes, this evening i did all my dishes. these are important steps to me feeling no longer overwhelmed. maybe tomorrow i'll vacuum.

tim gave me the latest death cab for cutie album for christmas. it's a great album, and what i love about it that over the course of the last month almost every song has been relevant. even the songs that at first i couldn't relate to, i now do. it is the most life-cohesive cd i have ever own.

i purchased the lonely planet for puerto villarta, i had to order it and was able to pick it up after work. i'll be in mexico in one month! i'm excited, and this new lonely planet book will make for good perusing.

oh, look at the time. i need to get into my single bed now. sorry if i didn't get the chance to respond to your emails yet, it was not a very email-friendly day.

i've still got miles to go.

rush

have you ever been suspicious that every man you've ever liked is actually gay? just throwing that out there. it's probably unlikely for most people, but i love gay men :)

speaking of gay men... i went and saw gentlemen reg tonight at the apple crisp concert series. he was great. it was neat because apple crisp has had to change venues because the church basement they were using is no longer available, so they've started using next. i didn't have anyone to go with to the concert, but since it was at next i felt comfortable going by myself and assumed i'd bump into some people i know. and i was right. as soon as i started looking for a seat lyon called out my name and i sat with him and tracy. later garry came along and joined us. next is a great concert venue, for smaller bands. it's warm and intimate. it was funny when kevin pointed out the star wars space ship and the crazy piggy bank that live on top of the speakers. he found them hilarious. it was interesting to me how accustomed i am to the oddities of next, plus i realized after that he probably didn't realize i'm a member of that church. it's never really come up before.

WELL, last night i went to bed super early and it rocked (the casbah). i was able to get up without hitting the snooze button 3 or 4 times, and actually got to work 15 minutes EARLY! this leads me to believe that going to bed at an appropriate time enables me to get up on time, which means i can arrive at work at the expected time. how ingenious.

would you want to see
if seeing meant that you would have to believe?

nike

sometimes life makes me want to throw-up. and other times it sets my feet a dancing.

this evening at the Y i heard a girl telling her friends how she wishes she was born in 1979. that would've been her ideal year so she could've experienced the 80s more. it made me smirk secretly. it was nice to hear my year of birth being envied. it is a pretty awesome year to be birthed.

i've been tracking my dreams – looking up their meaning on the internet ever since that llama dream i had last week. it's been VERY illuminating. there's a reoccurring theme of me feeling overwhelmed, overly worried, etc. i need to find a better way to cope. i don't know what to do to help me feel more centred and grounded. i don't know what other people do who work full time and have busy social lives. the maxi pad is a total mess right now because i don't have time to tidy, nor do i have the interest when i actually do have some free time. i'm a little frustrated that i haven't learned balance yet. all i know is that when my dreams are trying to tell me that i'm overwhelmed than i've definitely taken on too much. they don't ALL tell me that i'm overwhelmed, they tell me other inner fears too. i kind of wish they'd tell me something uplifting for a change. mind you, i've only been tracking them for a week, so maybe tonight's the night!

it hurts a little. i'm aching.

i'm pretty sure i was about to fall asleep in relaxation part of yoga class tonight. i'll take that as my cue to go to bed asap. sayonara.

convince me that the truth is always grey.

boomerang

i'll give it to you straight and say that i woke up very grumpy this morning. no particular reason, i just assume my alarm went off during REM sleep or something. my grumpiness quickly morphed into me simply feeling sore in every way except for physically. church was fine, lunch with my family was fine (except my mom randomly invited a guest to join us, so we weren't able to have a real family conversation – joy & i were disappointed about that), then i came home and spent the afternoon in a funk. i knew tonight was tracy's austraila day party, but i felt so grumpy and sore inside that all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball in the dark. i waffled back and forth, trying to decide if i should stay or should i go, and eventually decided to make an appearance, but not to shy away from telling them i was feeling low. nothing to be alarmed about, just having one of those days. BUT, in the end, i had a very nice time. actually, simply walking there in the cold and the dark was invigorating. i plunkered-down in one spot and talked with the different people who sat the the seats beside me. it was kind of nice to chat with people i rarely cross paths with. i'm glad i went. although, the alternative probably would've been ok too.

last night i went to the banff film festival with mike & bren. it was a good time, and the films were well done. the most unexpected part of the evening was when someone started calling for the lights because a woman had collapsed or something, and we had to wait around for 20 minutes until the paramedics took her away. oddly enough, melissa was sitting right behind the woman. crazy!! mike & bren commented on the very granola crowd. i concur. it's given me heart pangs because i can't get dreads even tho i desperately want them. it's not the dreads that give me pangs, it's the reason why that hurts so badly.

well, i'm going to get ready for bed now so that i'm not inexcusably grumpy tomorrow.

what would you ask if you had just one question?

smooth

con•nec•tion: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.

i feel connected to you. to her. with him. with them.
i don't connect with that, her, him or them.

how is that? what makes people connect? doesn't simply talking, spending time together, being friends, sharing ideas make us connected? and yet it doesn't. some connections are instantaneous, others come over time. sometimes people are bonded together thru trial or experience. sometimes happenstance or circumstance can break what was once strongly bonded. sometimes connection is just slowly lost over time, just as others slowly grow.

i think one of the most puzzling things about connection, is that it's not a two-way street. there've been many times that i have felt a strong connection with someone, but they didn't feel it with me. likewise, i've had many people feel connected to me, while i didn't feel connected to them at all. there's a lot of things at play – a lot of balls in the air. timing, stage of life, place in life, fullness of life, fullness of headspace, these are all factors. it's kind of like a door with multiple locks, each connection is like an engaged lock. the more secure locks the more connected two people are.

when i was a teenager, i had this friend with whom i had a strong connection, we were able to know what the other person was thinking just by locking eyes for a split second. and yet, there were many other ways (world view, personal style, certain values, interests, physical attraction) where we did not connect, so i decided against dating him and we eventually grew apart. i didn't realize that we were even connected in a unique way until i came across someone who DIDN'T know what i was thinking by linking looks. i still stand by my decision to remain just friends with him, but i miss our friendship. however, he totally did not get me, and i don't miss that at all.

sometimes trying to connect with someone is like trying to put on a shoe that's 2 sizes too small. it feels forced and very uncomfortable. but the thing is, i long to have connections with all i interact with. but it seems that's not possible and i don't know what to do. i can't just cut out certain people because we don't connect. i always hang-on hoping a bond will grow or regrow against the odds. but i suppose feeling a deep connection is not essential for some people, or maybe they've never felt truly connected to someone before so they don't know what's missing.

all i know is that i'm far from perfect, and i can't be as great of a friend to everyone as i'd like to be. i wish that some friendships came much more naturally. that the connection was instantaneous and long lasting. but i suppose knowing that true connections are unique, and can take time to develop makes them all the more cherishable. i think i've been spoiled with strong connections throughout my life and that's ruined me a little bit. even now, i have great friends and great connections, and for that i'm very thankful.

in the silence; it became so very clear
that you had long ago disappeared.

suzuki

it's the equivalent of him saying "he almost got his right leg cut off, like a million times" meanwhile i'm sitting there with only one leg. it's hard to feel sorry for the two legged person who lets a flesh wound paralyze him.

who am i?
somebody just tell me that much.

bongo

this evening we gathered at the erbs place, just as we do bi-weekly. we eat snacks, drink tea, and share laughs as we share stories, tales, and narratives. it was a smallish group tonight. many regulars absent from the table, but good words were streamed into lovely sentences by all present. on this night, i feel inclined to share with those outside the group the things i wrote. i often do this in short excerpts, mostly going unnoticed by those visiting pspd. but this night i'll point it out, so that you can get a little window into our gatherings.

1) write about borders.
Invisible, yet present lines drawn over land and sea. Dividing up what is theirs from what is ours. They sometimes follow the natural shapes and grooves of the earth – creating natural division. Other times they're jagged and senseless. Leaving me wondering about the story left behind in the alcoves of history. They remind me of scars on the surface of skin – telling tales, whispering the past to those not present at the time of the earth's division.
Although these borders mark the edge of political realms, they also divide languages and people groups. Nations and ethnicities neighboured – living side by side. Divided by themselves and others. Often separating quality of life, social justice, and basic human needs.

2) write a letter to your 8-year-old self.
Dear Lesley,
I know you're just little. and that's difficult – nay, impossible – to enforce your opinion against the will of your mother, but... you really shouldn't have gotten a perm. I know it's the 80's and all, but you'll later regret it. Along with the mullet. I just thought you should know.
Oh, and by the way... it's going to be ok. I know right now those words of assurance may seem strange, but in a year or two years from now, they will be comforting. See... the thing is... life won't always be the way you know it. And well... sometimes big sister's are wrong. I'm hesitant to warn you about this, but it's my hope that reducing the shock may also serve to reduce the hurt.
The thing is... Dad is going thru a rough spot. And there will come a time, in the not so far future that he is going to leave, and not come back. I'm not going to lie and say it won't be hard. It will actually cut you to your very core. But know that he loves you, and that it will be ok.
And that perm will grow out too.
Love Les

3) write about always and never.
It's always "never and always" for me. Never something in the middle. Far left, or far right. It's an impossible way to exist.
There's so much weight in those words. Pressure placed upon myself when I think along the lines of all or nothing.
And yet, there's something incredibly alluring.
Always.
Never.
They're so certain that they seem to provide some comfort, when everything else is out of whack.
"Always" – that word invokes lightness, a sense of warm on my face.
While "Never" is cold, dank and dark. Denying me. Refusing.
I'm caught in the middle. Unsure which way the domino will fall. Always waiting. Holding my breath. Never comfortable until it topples.
Always.
Never.
Such potential in those words.
Foreboding and intriguing.

i found #2 easy to write, and difficult to read. much more difficult than i expected. i couldn't stop myself from crying. parts of my stitched-up insides swelling and breaking thru the seams. i guess some wounds don't ever fully heal, no matter how old they are.

if i spilled milk inside my boot, i wonder how long it would take to dry.

there's nothing to do but believe.

1%

ok.... so... i know you've been googling rachel greenwood like crazy. you've googled her and found my blog about 6 times today already. may i suggest you add quotes to her name? "rachel greenwood" that might help narrow your search a little better. btw: the internet is not as private/secret as you thought it was.....

on that note... who's been visiting pspd from u of t? hmmM?

i have this blue bag (it's a large purse actually, but i have an adversion to the word "purse") that i've taken with me on all my travels during the last half-decade. it's accompanied me to london, paris, kenya, new york, pei, nunavut, and montreal. i'm inclined to create a photo montage of my beloved blue bag on location, but instead i'll just do this. and this. and this. and this. and well... the thing is... it's getting a little worse for wear. so i'm caught in the dilemia, do i try to do yet another trip with this bag, or should i leave it behind and buy something else in mexico. alternatively, i could just replace it with the same bag of the same or different colour. i think they still sell them at very shari. maybe i'll pop in there on saturday and take a look, maybe they don't have that kind anymore, which would make my decision for me.

shan and i went to the goat this evening. i feels like it's been a while since i went there on for a weeknight visit. it was great. i love the goat, and bumping into people i know.

it makes me smile. even when i don't want it to. i fight it and yet my lips still curl at the corners. it's as though my face has a mind of it's own.

sometimes i feel like i'm just randomly coursing thru the universe in no particular direction. here's hoping i land on something soft.

last night i dreamt about riding a llama on a journey. i googled that to see what it meant. it said: to see a llama in your dream, represents deep trust, strength and endurance. it may also mean that you are worrying too much and carrying too many problems". interesting.

feeling the same as i did yesterday.
feeling the same as i might do tomorrow.

leprosy

it makes me blush a lot. each time i think of it in fact.

i blog everyday as an outlet. not as a habit, it's a consistent need that i have to share details of my life. today i have nothing to say, because i wrote back and forth with a friend all day. that's a huge factor to how much i spill in this space.

you know what? i can't be certain of the exact date, but it was 5 years ago around this day in january. it was both the best and worst day of my life.

i'm desperately craving spring. not that there's anything wrong with winter, but spring is my season. i was listening to a song on my ipod that gave me a flashback to how great spring is. i anticipate it with great expectation.

lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

o divine master, grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
amen.

voodoo

yesterday at brenda's place i fixed myself a cup of tea and upon taking my first gulp, i discovered i'd used salt instead of sugar. even though it was in a metal tin clearly marked as "sugar".

for those of you following along at home.... no, none of my postcards surfaced on the post-secret site this week :) i need to get around to making my next 2 cards. my fifth and final card is still yet to be dreamt up.

i'm terrible at time management. i waste time very frivolously. i hate it. while at the same time, really loving it. it's a very organic part of who i am. pruning that part of me would be painful and therefore very ineffective. sometimes i just have to accept myself as i am, and learn to enjoy myself without feeling guilty about my deficiencies. it really is ok. we all have them. it's a matter of being self-aware enough to block-out periods of my day for time-suckage. people often comment about how it takes me 45 minutes to get ready for bed. it makes no sense. i realize that. there's no explaination, i just fart around, wasting time. but instead of fighting it – because i really like being frivolous that way – i just have to plan for it, because it's out of my control. it's going to happen no matter how disciplined i try to be.

when shannon returned a book i lent her, she commented on the piece of paper she'd found inside it that i'd scribled on. it said "i've never been so repulsed by one person in my entire life". i laughed when i reread it. and i'm laughing now. i love that she found it, it was unrelated to the book, and i'd forgotten it was embedded in the pages. so funny.

you may leave here for 4 days in space
but when you return, it’s the same old place
the poundin’ of the drums, the pride and disgrace
you can bury your dead, but don’t leave a trace
hate your next-door neighbor, but don’t forget to say grace.

egg-cozy

i dropped by bren's place this afternoon for a quick visit while her kids had a quiet time. that quick visit turned into spending almost my whole day there. i ate all today's meals there. i enjoy days when my plans fly out the window and instead i let myself get caught in the moment. my only regret is that i drove the 400 metres to her house because i thought i was going to run some errands afterwards. oh well. i borrowed four weddings and a funeral from the melles' and watched it when i got home. i really enjoyed it. no one plays an awkward englishman better than hugh grant.

i'm sleepy. i'm gonna go flop into bed shortly. i've been clenching my teeth in my sleep a lot lately. i think it's stress. hopefully that'll dissipate shortly. i think it will. during my chat with bren today, i told her i don't know what to do, and she encouraged me that there's nothing i need to do. but instead, i just need to be open. i think that's feasible, and i like how fluid it sounds.

this might be hard to believe, but my apartment has been FREEZING lately. i even had to use my space heater. i'm going to have to talk to the girls downstairs, i'm thinking they turned down the thermostat because it was really hot before, and now it's too cold.

with eager tongues we taste our strife,
and fill our lungs with seas of life.

dry

i love that al is insane.

neon

it's not a game.
and i don't want to play.

i am on a road that leads to nowhere.

i'm excited about my new knitting project. they're a pair of fingerless mitts. knitty dot com has such great patterns. some of the nicest/funkiest. i've got to pick me up some purple yarn tomorrow. i love that i make things like fingerless mitts, and bodyless sweaters. it's very suitable considering my name is les. what's next? a hoodless hoodie? OH! i AM totally planning on knitting toeless sox!!! hahaha. that's hilarious! i'm going to make toeless sox for when i paint my toenails, they're called pedicure sox. hahahahaha. at least i'm consistant.

the truth of it all is that i'm too much everything. (too strong. too fragile. too bold. too timid. too silly. too serious. too confident. too paranoid. too good. too crappy. too mouthy. too inarticulate. too extroverted. too introverted. too regular. too unorthodox. too sensitive. too jagged. too intense. too apathetic), and yet not enough something. but what IS that something??

it's time for a distraction.

come see where your eyes cannot see.
and close your eyes, child, and look at what i'll show you;
let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you.

confession

i like my friend shannon just because she's weird.

i got a promotion today at work. i'm now the "communications technician". i hate my new title, and i especially hate that "graphic designer" has been dropped, even though i understand why. i won't go into all the details, but it has something to do with the fact that the term "graphic designer" is a huge red flag, and the knickers had to change my title in order to hide me. i'm like moses – a little graphic designer in the reeds. my new title is lame, but it came with a higher level (i'm a level 8 now instead of a level 7) and a pay increase (i don't suspect it'll be very significant tho). i wish i was more excited about it, i guess i'm not because it's just evening out what i actually do with what i officially do so it's making very little difference. but i'll try to be optimistic about it... they ARE recognizing my contribution to the company. i've worked there almost 5.5 years and got a promotion 3 times, i shouldn't complain, most people don't get to advance at all, much less 3 times. at times when i doubt myself, i'm always reassured by my job – it's something i KNOW i'm good at, and was at one time a building block from which i rediscovered my self-worth and confidence.

i went to my very first clothing exchange tonight. lucky for me rachel erb was there and dispensing of some of her extra stuff :D i got some nice things.

i'm burning.

when i was 13 years old
i woke up one morning
thighs covered in blood
like a war
like a warning
that i live in a breakable takeable body
an ever-increasingly valuable body
that a woman had come in the night to replace me
deface me

late

i found an ipod in my glove compartment today. it's not mine. it was totally weird.

i'm | THIS | close to finishing david's scarf. it looks GREAT. it's 6'6" without the tassels. i hope he loves it. i think he will, my only concern is that it's rather thick, it's much too big for me. but he's bigger than me so i think it'll be ok. i'm pretty proud of this project because it involved a lot of innovation on my part. at rachel (greenwood)'s place the other day, all the ladies were commenting on my unusual technique, and i had to explain that what i was doing was rather unconventional (picking up the side-stitches). but midge put a twist on it and said it was "innovative" – i liked that. i do take my share of risks with knitting, i've always thought it was because i don't know any better. but maybe from now on i should think of myself as a knitting maverick, i'm trying to stop selling myself short.

i participated in my first "wellness committee" meeting today at work. this is a big deal for me because i don't usually do stuff like join committees, – i never did extra curricular activities at school either. it's a stretch for me, so that's cool. it was a good meeting, i was able to suggest they salt the walking path we all use at lunch time and a few other things.

how i wish you could see the potential.

cannons

one of my favourite things about my life is the opportunities i have to go have visits with my friends. this can often be a source of frustration for me because i sometimes feel i have pockets of friends but no circle of friends – that i don't belong to a specific group. but this evening i see this as a blessing – that i have the freedom to do so. i had the pleasure of time with rach on her super short couch, and occasionally jase joined in our conversation. i'm very fortunate that i like all my friend's husbands, and am just as happy having them join us in our talks. we ate these salty caramel chocolates that were very confusing for my taste-buds. it was seriously the most deliciously confusing thing i've ever eaten in my life.

this might go without saying, but i am a written-word kind of person. it's my best way of communicating – my weapon of choice. mind you, i would never choose an email over a real conversation, but writting is my most effective form of self-expression. i'm not very eloquent in real-life, and can get frustrated with myself for not expressing myself the way i want to in conversation. ANYWAYS... not everyone feels that way about emails or letters. some people much prefer to pick up the phone – i hate those kinds of people. and unfortunately, i think that's caused the ultimate demise in some friendships/relationships. i can guarantee that i'd be much closer with my sister if she communicated the same way i did, or even had an email address. other friendships have been formed exclusively because of email. so my dilemia is... what do i do about these people who do not enjoy the written-word?? i have a friend who lives out of town and really wants to call to chat. i don't want to talk on the phone. i HATE IT! i would much prefer if he just emailed me his latest news. granted, a conversation can usually go much deeper/into more depth when it can go two ways, but i just really hate the phone. although, there is part of me who misses thoses all night conversations with someone special. i guess that shows there are exceptions to every preference.

i might still make it to bed by 11:30...

barefoot in the shallow creek,
i grabbed some stones from underneath
and waited for you to speak to me.

galore

i really like yoga class. which kind of surprises me a little because i'm not a very flexible person and i'm not very graceful either. BUT when i'm do yoga i feel very fluid. i almost feel like my body is made for yoga. and perhaps my temperament too, because i like how slow paced it is. i like how there are long periods of time when we get to stand there bent over with our arms, torso and head just dangling. it feels really neat. i find people in classes very unfriendly. if they talk it's only with their friends. it's too bad really because on tv and movies i always got the impression that people make friends at aerobic classes or art classes. maybe it's a generational thing, or maybe just an age thing. it seems the older people get the more outspoken they are with strangers. maybe when i'm a life model in my late 60s i'll meet all sorts of people. i've started thinking about joining a book club. i don't know if i could fit one into my life even if i knew of one to join, so instead it'll be one of those things i tuck into the recesses of my mind for down thr road. i'd also like to volunteer at the library. ANYWAYS... back to the yoga topic. i wore my lululemon pants tonight. i felt swanky. and when i walked down the hall afterwards i felt super sexy. i think yoga will help improve my posture. this is good.

i like that after over 29 years i'm still capable of surprising my mom. i surprises myself sometimes too. i think that's excellent.

i wonder when that distinct dread will kick in. that feeling that often sweeps over me after the reality of what i've done sinks in. maybe it won't. after all, i'm straight as an arrow. blunt as a cigar. i think i did it because i was scared to, and sometimes it's necessary to do something for no other reason but because it's scary.

we used to really like this song. we'd listen to it repeatedly. it brings a lot back. i've concluded that i'm not a comfort-food person, but instead i'm a comfort-music person. beckie told me that some of my best friends are songs.

nothing other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

pneuma

i'm breathing.
in and out.
it's a secret.
the sound of my breathing.
telling me.....

stamps

i got the most hilariously sketchy phone call from david this evening. he has a lot of explaining to do. he's lucky i love him as much as i do or i'd be rather unimpressed with him right now.

tonight i had the pleasure of going out with rachel laforest for bubble tea then to a concert where we were joined by tim & tracy. it was a good time – i'd never been to barnone before.

as i worked away on my first two post secret postcards (which i mailed out today by the way), i listened to my favourite show on cbc radio 1 – GO. today's topic was about the 7 story plots of literature, it was very intriguing. they are as follows; 1) overcoming the monster. 2) the quest. 3) journey and return. 4) comedy – can be misunderstandings as well as humour. 5) tragedy. 6) rebirth. 7) rags to riches.

sometimes i feel like i live on the periphery of everyone else's lives.

i'm freezing. i'm going to bed. but first i need to try on my bikini.

you wonder if you missed your dream.

obelisk

shannon is so great.
i'm so fortunate to have such great friends.
and affirming friends.

i struggle with feeling that i'm mediocre at everything. it came out in my writing at storytellers last night. immediately everyone contradicted me, and showered me with love and affirmation. bren emailed me later and told me that there's nothing mediocre about me. i thought about it and concluded that i set my standards too high and am too hard on myself. this evening when shannon was over, i told her the saga of my early days – shan is a great participant in my storytelling – and retelling that tale reminded me of all that i've overcome. how much healing i've experienced, and it made me think that perhaps i'm much more extraordinary than i thought. i don't dwell in my past very much, i'm not proud of it. but it's so long ago that it's barely a blip on my radar and that makes me happy.

i showed her the beginnings of my post secret postcards. they made her laugh and that made me happy. i'm very excited about this undertaking. i don't suppose any of them will actually be selected, but i like sending things out into the great unknown. and as far as i know i'm the first person i know to submit something.

frank taught me how to de-ice my windshield using a bucket of hot-water.

i love that shannon's dad didn't believe her when she told him i was 29 :)

oh my goodness. i totally need to go to bed. i've been the WORST getter-upper all week. it sux.

there i knew it would be alright,
that everything would be alright.

abrupt

it's like standing at the edge of a huge pond, and placing a hand-made paper boat in the water, then watching it float – slowly, gradually, moving farther and farther away.

banff mountain film festival world tour is coming to kingston on january 24th. i told some of you about it at storytellers tonight. i'm looking for some friends to go with, so let me know if you're interested in going. (watch the first 2 minutes or so of this clip, the rest is about the sponsors – the footage is still cool, but less essential). tix are sold at trailhead. i can't remember how much it costs, i wanna say 13 bux in advance and 15 at the door.

i decided during my drive home from work that i want to create a postcard and send it in to post secret. actually, i think i'll do about 5: a confession, an amusing tidbit, a love letter, a tragedy, and a thank you note. that will be one of two new things for january.

what is this dream that i'll never find.
what is this prayer that's stealing my mind.

cool

i danced and danced in my kitchen while attempting to do my dishes. it would've made for an amusing sight to anyone walking by, but i don't care. perhaps some of the fun would be contagious, and they'd carry on their way smiling. i hope so.

i had my performance evaluation at work this afternoon. i got "superior results" or "role model" for almost everything. does that surprise you?

i feel cozy tonight. it might be this sweater. it could be this song. but i feel engulfed and warm. i'm slightly agitated, but mostly peaceful.

yuck.

if, along the way, something is gained,
then something will also be lost.

[blank]

shinny

i don't make decisions.
i do make mistakes on my knitting projects.
i don't play mind-games.
i do need face-time with friends.
i don't do mornings.
i do act on my talk.
i don't know how to cook.
i do think it's too soon.
i don't mind walking in the rain.
i do have a weakness for 90s dance music.
i don't listen to my voicemail messages.
i do respond to emails within 5 minutes of receiving them.
i don't have to worry.
i do lose momentum.
i don't like being put in boxes.
i do enjoy surprising people.
i don't cloak awkwardness very well.
i do have a tape deck in my car.
i don't have comfort foods.
i do sleep with a very flat pillow that i fold in half.
i don't mind going back to work tomorrow, but...
i do mind having to wear my work-clothes.

listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide.

the willies

someday i might have:
• a boyfriend who annoys me by the way he breathes
• a husband who doesn't always know the best thing to say to console me, which will sometimes make it worse
• a life-partner who farts, or smells, or is somehow a little gross
• clashes of wills with my life-partner and will have to learn to compromise
• to consider someone else other than my own desires
• in-laws who i'll have to spend half of my holidays with
• a mother-in-law who is manipulative and interfering
• a whole new set of siblings to deal with
• to move away from my life and start over, feeling almost completely alone
• a baby that keeps me up and makes me want to pull out my hair because it's taking me away from my precious sleep
• kids who keep me so busy that i no longer have afternoons of pure reading pleasure
• teenagers who rebel or crush my heart with their poor choices
• no time to go to the gym for some exercise
• noise i can't shut off or tune out
• less disposable income
• no privacy or a place to call only mine
and when i have those days... please remind me of these days. and how i sometimes feel alone. how i feel like no one wants me. how i don't belong to anyone. how i fear that i'm becoming selfish because i only have to think of myself. how i feel the pinch of one income. how i have no one to share meals with. how i hate that there's no one to help with housework or with putting the garbage out. how i am scared i'd never get the chance to have kids. how the uncertainty of my future sometimes overwhelms me.

no scenario is perfect. this isn't and that won't be either. i'm happy most of the time, but when things are bumpy i tend to idealize what i don't have. i suppose everyone does sometimes. i'll continue to work at appreciating what i have while i have it.

i cursed myself for being surprised
that this didn't play like it did in my mind.

pretzels

beckie and i went to the boiler room climbing gym tonight. we'd both been there before, but not for a long time. i did a fair bit of wall climbing and repelling while in youth group, but haven't gone since. i've been wanting to tho, and it was very fun. however, i do find it very scary when i get high up the wall and the grips get harder and my hands get sweaty. it get's me quite nervous, which makes me all the more proud of myself for doing it.

i want to know my fate.

piggyfront

we had a slumber party at melissa's place last night. it was very fun. and when i was all tucked in, zipped inside my sleeping bag on her couch i couldn't stop giggling with delight. it was a very enjoyable way to ring in the new year.

well, 2009. wow. does anyone else find this number big and a little intimidating? but never mind, it'll grow on me, i'm just hesitant towards arbitrary change. aside from the annoying change of number, i'm quite stoked for the change of year. can you imagine how mundane and relentless life would seem without the occasional changing of the calendar? yikes.

i've made a few plans for 2009. things i hope to/are planning on doing:
1) trip to mexico
2) my first bikini waxing
3) raspberry picking
4) hopefully take a leave of absence from work to go to scotland
5) practice lent for the first time – i'm planning on giving up meat

as far as resolutions go, that's a whole different story. when i choose to set resolutions i like them to be achievable goals, or like they say at work "measurable" (which basically means you're able to measure whether or not you achieved the goal). last year i decided to stop using plastic bags when i make purchases. the year before was to stop allowing food to go bad in my refrigerator. this year, i'm going to work on my posture – keeping my shoulders back. i think this will be the hardest of those three resolutions, but i feel confident that i CAN do it.

nothing changes on new year's day.

prolific

*deep sigh*

here we are. at the end of yet another year. and what a year it was. i don't know about you, but this year stretched me, molded me, challenged me, grew me. and i loved it. i had my fair share of tears and frustration. but i had more laughs and contentment. i decided early in the year to play life like a game of pick-up sticks instead of a game of dominoes. to stop waiting for everything to line up perfectly, and instead to just run with it. i would have to say, i've felt more alive this year than i ever have before.

• in JANUARY, i joined the bored at next (which has been surprisingly enjoyable and challenging. it's been cool because i learned things about myself and life i wouldn't have otherwise).
• in FEBRUARY, i got my ipod. i also had the pleasure of being present at my lovely nephew's birth.
• in MARCH, i donated blood for the very first time with a & s. i went to my first sunrise easter service (i'd never seen the sunrise before). i got stranded in the arctic for two days on my way to visit beckie on two weeks vacation on baffin island.
• in APRIL, i got stranded three days in the arctic on my way home from visiting beckie (and did a lot of cool things up north). i took a stain-glass class. mayelin got a new job so i was left with no friends at work. i went to melody's wedding. got my first manicure.
• in MAY, i went to montreal for the first time. i planted my sophomore garden. got a dvd player. went square dancing for the first time (since i was a kid).
• in JUNE, i got a new computer at work. i bought my first bikini. went strawberry picking and did some tie-dying for the first time. and i got my new car (the mojomobile). i also went to parrot bay conservation area for the first time. took shannon to skeleton park music festival and shared a box of donuts.
• in JULY, i got four more dental cavities filled. i started using my diva cup. went camping with the girls. got a new lady doctor and gave up caffeine.
• in AUGUST, i took a week's vacation to chill at home. went to beck's cottage. got a carpooler. learned to crochet. i fasted for the first time and have done repeatedly since then (sidenote: it was a great experience, one i suggest). enjoyed wolfe island music fest with beck & shan.
• in SEPTEMBER, i started going to the stitchn'bitch group at made4you with tracy. went biking on wolfe island with shan, we also went to the demonilion derby and go-karting. i played golf for the very first time.
• in OCTOBER, i went to cirque du soleil. went to TO for a indesign seminar and stayed with david, took the GO for the first time and went up the CN tower with kate. dueled a corn maze with andrew, shannon and chelsea. took a hike at frontenac park with carpooler paul.
• in NOVEMBER, i had my first pedicure. i got a tattoo. went to a casino for the first time. rejoined the YMCA. i sat naked in a sauna for the first (of many) times. started taking a yoga class. played squash with bren.
• in DECEMBER, i got an awesome new drafting stool for my cube. we put together the super-secret special edition of hatch for bren's 40th. paper mached a lovely fish.

i did and experienced many more things not mentioned above (and sometimes not on pspd at all). i've cultivated good friendships. while having to let others go into sleep mode. i've learned about patience and resilience, forgiveness and acceptance. i've discovered things about myself – both good and not so good. i've taken bold steps forward, and probably some backwards too. i've been surprised at ever turn, and enjoyed the mystery of it all.

i love my new year's eve entries. they are my favourite of the year. i feel hopeful and encouraged, and have you all (and many others) to thank for making this year (and the next one) great. i hope you experience satisfaction on your end of things as well [u]

when you look at me do you see someone with a future?

fennel

i love my girl-friends. i love sitting around the table talking about food, life, men, sex, and books with two of my top four. three "strong on the outside, soft on the inside" girls sharing laughs and enjoying the pleasure of good conversation.

this evening melissa, beck and i, along with a few of melissa's friends from ultimate frisbee went to see the curious case of benjamin button. i loved it, and it's been a while since i saw a movie i really loved. beck shed many a tear, requiring three kleenex's to dry her eyes.

i can feel it boiling in my chest.
i will not be afraid.
i will not be afraid.
i will not be afraid.

you don't know it, but some day.
some day, my friend.
oh how i wish i could tell you!
but i know what you're like,
so i'll keep it to myself as not to freak you out.

i have three days left of my vacation. of which 1.5 are stat holidays which will be an inconvience. i want to relax but i also want to make the most of those days. i kind of want to go start putting a second coat on my paper mache fish right now (which looks GREAT! by the way). but i'll probably get ready for bed so i can get up early to do it.

i'm on my knees looking for the answer.

rambo

well. my paper macheing is coming along VERY nicely. i talked to garry yesterday and he gave me some good tips. i'm very pleased with it's progress. it's drying nicely. i look forward to applying another coat of paper-strips tomorrow.

as beckie and i sat in the goat today she told me very firmly that she does NOT believe that i'm introverted. she made a few good points, and perhaps i'm not as introverted as i thought i was. so i did an online myers-briggs test and this was the results: ENFJ (extrovert 33, intuitive 25, feeling 62, judging 56) which means.... i am: moderately expressed extrovert, moderately expressed intuitive personality, distinctively expressed feeling personality, moderately expressed judging personality. so that's interesting. my favourite question was "you find it difficult to speak loudly: yes or no" – this was extra funny after spending the evening with beck who chronically tells me that i'm talking too loud.

it's great having beck staying with me again. i love grilling her with questions at the goat, ordering tata's pizza and chilling out around the pad. i suppose that statement alone is another spotlight on my nature as a closeted extrovert. i have a sneaking suspicion that i live alone not because i need alone time but because i feel a strong desire to not be controled by external forces. honestly, i'm still shaking off a child's lifetime of being bossed around by a very dominent personality.

i'm certain being in the sauna at the Y today helped my cold. i suggest it.

God gives us hope
but we still fear.

periodically

beckie has strep throat so she stayed at her parents place for the day. hopefully she'll make it down tomorrow. we'd planned to go snowboarding today, but besides the fact that she's sick, all the snow has melted. that was disappointing. i've never been snowboarding before, and it was going to be my thing-i've-never-done-before for december. now i haven't accomplished anything for this month, which is extra disappointing since that means my year of doing things i've never done before will go out with a fizzle instead of a bang.

it was so blustery this afternoon that i decided to fly my kite. at first it seemed like a good idea, but it turns out it wasn't. it was TOO blustery and i think it busted my beloved pirate ship kite. i'm procrastinating inspecting it because i don't want to know for sure if it's no longer sky worthy. after this i concluded that i have rotten kite-flying luck. it's always either too windy, or not windy enough. only once (maybe twice) out of a half-dozen attempts have i been able to launch my kite and keep it flying.

sneak into my empty bed
and educate me.

philanthropy

let me tell you a story about a little tea cozy.....
after ripping out joy's tea cozy 3 times, i finished it and it looked AWESOME. i was VERY happy with it. UNFORTUNATELY, it didn't felt properly. everything except the green felted. THANKFULLY even though it didn't felt, it did strink so it looks ok. REGARDLESS, it broke my heart. i was SO SO SO upset with myself for not doing it correctly. it looks beautiful, but it could have and was SUPPOSED to look WAY better. i moped and mourned my latest creation, knowing that once i accepted the disappointment that it would be ok. however, MOST IMPORTANTLY... joy LOVED it. and said most sincerely that she didn't care that the green didn't felt, she said it just added more texture. by the time i went home i was coming to terms with the disappointment, but it'll always be a sore spot in my knitting heart.

i'd also like to take this opportunity to introduce those in the blogosphere to the lovely melissa tebrake's new blog: s.i.m.p.l.i.c.i.t.y. add her to your bloglines, google readers, bookmarks, whatever. let's make her feel welcome. that teabag... she's FANTASTIC!

when you're sick, do you ever feel hungry and not at the same time? it's this darn cold. yuck. i'm so congested that i feel top-heavy.

move across the night like a separate wind.

hurling

i had a marvelous time with my family over christmas. they all came to next as i mentioned, then we went back to joy's place. we had some treats and played some card games with the kids. it was fun! i didn't realize they were old enough for card games. after they were tucked in, we grown-ups played scattergories. that was a real hit with everyone, which made me really happy. we played 6 rounds and laughed a lot, we'll definitely play it again.

i woke up quite early yesterday morning because i was excited about the day ahead. we began "the present opening ceremony" around 9:30 and it wrapped up around 11:30 – gifts are a big deal in our family, mostly because we enjoy unwrapping. so we each give one main gift and 2 small dollar gifts. for my main gifts i got a hoover hand-vac, pajamas, the newest death cab for cutie cd, a parmesan cheese grater. my auntie carol sent me money like last year (i bought my ipod with that money last year), so this year i bought a pair of lululemon yoga pants. they're quite expensive and not something i would normally permit myself to spend money on, but since it was a gift i wanted to buy something special. they are INSANELY comfortable. like butter. they're too long tho, but if i take them back in another day i can get them hemmed for free. it was just too busy in there today, so they asked me to bring them in another time.

it was kind of sad to come home to my house alone after being with my family. but i decided to make the most of my day, and in the end quite enjoyed myself. i walked downtown and got a few dvd's from classic video. i've been wanting to watch the original "little women". i love that movie and haven't seen it in ages. as i walked home thinking about it, i got all teary-eyed reminiscing about our old rec room and my big sister. sometimes i miss being kids with her, especially when having to go home to an empty home.

i have a cold. it started setting in around 5pm. i ALWAYS get sick after spending time with my niece and nephews.

we became friends 3 years ago today.

i am sitting in my glass house.

magi

well. in a half-hour my dad is picking me up and we're going to next for the christmas eve service. in fact, my entire family is coming. i'm excited about that. my family has never joined me in my activities before, much less skipped their own activities in favour of mine. it'll be nice being able to share my church community with them.

i'm looking forward to spending the next couple of days with my family. it's always the making of a disaster, but i'm optimistic that it'll go well. i'm prepared to be flexible and make compromises. i'm bringing scattergories and i hope they'll play it with me this evening.

i played my drum for him...
i played my best for him.

drama-queen

i would just like to say that i think the whole world has gone insane. case in point. santa claus should not make international or national news. in fact, santa (being a fictitious character) should not make the news at all....

i'm very excited about starting my holidays. i'm finished work and off until january 5th. it'll be grand. i love my christmas vacation. i'm going to try and make the most of it while leaving plenty of leisure time and not getting overwhelmed with things to do and people to see. i actually hope to do some papier-mâchéing. i haven't done any papier-mâché since grade 1, and it involved a lot of chicken-wire.

sometimes there's nothing better than watching an old movie with a friend, while drinking wine and wrapping christmas gifts. melissa came over and we watched the first half of "gone with the wind". it's a long one – four hours. i think i'll watch the second half tomorrow.

no, i don't think i will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. that's what's wrong with you. you should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

pretty/nice

i see you mccormick-rankin.

some friends are easy to be around. yesterday i got a call from beckie, she was on the road from ottawa on her way to whitby. the roads were bad so she was going to pull off and come see me for a bit. as i waited for her i threw together some cookies and had them baked and ready by the time she arrived. we sat on my couch. i've missed her a lot. whenever i see her it feels like no time has past at all.

the days before christmas are my most favourite work days of the year. no one else is there, except for a few suckers who forgot to save vacation days or contract employees. in my building there was me and one other guy (and finance, but they don't count because we don't associate with them....) it was a glorious day. i wore jeans, i plugged away on a few projects i'd set aside for myself, i dance in my cube to my new tunes. i feel like i'm on vacation already, it's great.

it reminds me of rod stewart a little bit.

i have to admit, i'm getting a little snooty. i feel disgruntled when the snow is so deep in my driveway that even my little suv can't drive over it.

i love that his constructive criticism included "you leave your mouth open when you think sometimes". i shouldn't laugh because he was trying to be helpful, but it's hard to take that kind of input seriously. however, i'll take heed his advice and try to shut my trap when concentrating.

i'm almost looking forward to going to work tomorrow!

why don't you kiss me
and tell me that you want it?

luxury

after two days of being 29 i began to feel immense freedom. it feels as though i've succeeded in coming thru to the end of my twenties without meeting specific social expectations, and by doing so have finally made it clear that i don't fit the mould. i've always done things my own way, and when i try to do things because i feel they're expected of me i end up being miserable. i suddenly feel as though the statement "lesley is kind of different" is not an insult – it never was, but because of the social pressure i always felt it meant "lesley is kind of a failure". but not any longer. is this making sense or do i have to explain further? i'm off the radar and free to do as i wish. for that reason i'm becoming suspicious that life begins at 29.

well... carpooler paul has become "the carpooler formerly known as paul" or is that "paul formerly known as carpooler". i'm not sure. my point is... paul-etienne has left for quebec city and our carpooling days are over. i'll take a little break from carpooling, but i think i will eventually look for someone else to drive with. it's an interesting experience, good for the environment, and stretches me to have to think of someone's schedule other than just my own.

i really should get going. i have shoveling to do before i can do the remainder of my christmas shopping and go to the Y. i think i'll pick-up some ugly slip-on shoveling boots at S&R today. man, i had the S&R jingle stuck in my head all day on thursday. it was terrible. it would be enough of a reason for me to boycotte that store if i had any other store options. but i don't, so i'll forgive and forget.

i'm in no hurry.

rendevouz

i ate lunch at the legion today. don't ask... it's a long story.

i toured tonight. i taxied shannon & optimus prime to the animal house. ate dinner at the chien noir with carpooler paul. sat in melissa kitchen as she baked. helped rhonda pack for her roadtrip. i feels like i lived several evenings all in one.

i love my carl winslow magnet :D

she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood.

wrestler

i had a totally fantastic birthday. i had a group of wonderful friends join me at the maxi pad, and i enjoyed their company immensely. i worked hard beforehand to provide a good spread of food. i have a lot of leftover stuff, but that's ok. i was exercising my hospitality muscle, everyone had a really great time and said we should do this more often. i think we shall...

even though i said that gifts weren't necessary, lots of people brought some anyways. a pair of hand-knitted mitts, a graphic novel, a DQ gift card, a hand-knitted scarf, a magnet, a hand-made knitting needle case, the latest killers cd, nail polish, a rain-cheque for a bottle of wine (accompanied by a wine-consuming friend), home-made canned pickles & other goods, home-made truffles, a writing journal that includes 10 favourite things about me written inside plus red & pink pens (because she knows i'm obsessive about writing in those colours), and finally.... shannon decorated a wooden box that contains scraps of paper that she wrote little thank-you's on (some were funny, some were serious, some were random, some where inside jokes – all were sincere).

melissa and i were talking yesterday (a piggy-back on an email conversation i'd had with bren) about being known. being known and knowing others is what connects us, and to some extent that's what makes us human. disconnection comes when we lose what it means to know or be known. i love my gifts because they all in one way or another represent a conversation, a connection, an awareness. these are my people. i love and appreciate that they give me a sense of belonging. i have more people else where too. it was very nice and special for me to surrounded on this occassion.

i want to be known.
i want to be seen.
i want to be heard.
i want to be touched.

funny thing, i was just briefly looking over last year's entry. i wrote that beckie predicted that 28 was going to be a good year for me, but that it would start slow. i would have to say that was bang-on. what a clever girl :)

i feel happy. i will sleep with a smirk.

i heard all your reasons
i heard all your plans
i have seen the seasons
clutched up in your hands

forthright

well folks... here we sit, on my birthday eve, at the brink of a new age – the end of another. what can i say. twenty-eight has been a good one for me, aside from a few hiccups, i really can't complain. and i don't. it was a great year, especially in contrast with 27 which blew goats. as i step forward into 29, i'm inclined to take stock of my twenties; what have i done? what i not done? what have i accomplished? what have i missed out on? what have i avoided? i like the idea that i still have one more year – one more year of my 20s in which to do the things i neglected.

here's a picture of me and one of my favourite people, bren, at her birthday party on saturday (before my work party – hence the reason i'm a little over-dressed). she is a beautiful and wonderful woman, one i admire a great deal. it's people like bren who calm my fears about getting older. i look at her, and so many other people, and think the best is yet to come. it's about the choices we make, and not about the social expectations. it's about being true to ourselves, and growing who we are, not about turning into our mothers. undoubtedly, i have a peter pan complex, but as i mature i'll be able to let go of that, and understand that it's not my age that matters, but it's my character and my spirit by which i live. i want to be like bren when i grow up :)

(btw: i'm totally self-conscious of my teeth. david tells me that he likes that they are crooked, but it's that baby tooth that really bugs me.)

well... it's been a good one. thanks for making this year so great :)

ok, i have to get ready for bed. i get very upset and anxiety-ridden when i'm wake at midnight on my birthday eve. very upsetting. i have to go to bed and wake up in a new year.

this is why we won’t delay for your birthday.

male pattern baldness

they are inconvenienced by the fact that i have feelings.

head space.
head space.
head space.
room to let.

the weather is bipolar. every few days it switches, and i walk across my lawn over different terrain.

i need to hold my tongue.
i need a lock box.
i need a cape.

what's the future, who will choose it?

spy

we did a show-and-tell at the living room christmas party tonight. it was really fun. i liked it a lot. i brought in my clothes-peg painting because it's only been seen by two people in real life and i wanted to share it with others. i loved how it was a neat way of learning more about each other. we also did a gift exchange in which i won a paper cowboy. i was going to take him to work to hang in my cube, but i've decided instead to hang him up on the outside of my bathroom door. he'll make for a good conversation piece. the irony would be too much for my colleagues. they just wouldn't get that it's funny.

we also watched what would jesus buy? which is a witty and thought-provoking look at consumerism at christmas time. it's really good. i strongly suggest it.



i'm feeling a little socially overworked. i would love a night to recoup and store up new resources, but this week's going to be a busy one too. i'm looking forward to tuesday when i get to chill and bake with melissa for my party on wednesday. hopefully i'll be able to recharge a little so i can fully enjoy my birthday without feeling stressed out.

ooh ooh!! i almost forgot that i bought scattergories today! i'm very excited to play it. i've concluded that i'm a very relational-games person. games that are social and require group interaction. it should be fun to play at my birthday party and over christmas :D

we're half awake in a fake empire.

i felt invisible at my own birthday lunch today. if i'd suddenly disappeared, things would have continued unchanged, and it's possible no one would have noticed.

sagittarius

yesterday was bren's 40th birthday. al, mike, rachel, me, and the rest of the storytellers crew have secretly been working on a special edition of hatch to give to her. a collection of stories and letters about her from the people who love her. it turned out amazingly beautiful. and i don't mean the appearance. it's such a beautiful gift and i'm so touched to have been part of it. the best part of all is how much she loved it. every time i think about it, i smile from ear-to-ear from way down in my liver.

tonight was the bbd annual christmas party. this year it was at portsmouth olympic harbour. i'd have to say it wasn't as nice as days inn, but it was still a good time. i enjoyed mingling, dancing and the food was very good. i have to admit, i quite enjoy the excuse to get all dressed up. it's the only time of year i really get dolled up and it actually makes me feel really great.

i love watching people. sometimes it makes me feel invisible. sometimes i like that. sometimes i hate it. i'm still trying to sort out how to feel. it's difficult to figure out what is reasonable under the circumstances.

wherever you go
i'll be over your shoulder.

watermelon

i love him the same way i love my boots.
i didn't think it was possible to love someone the same way one loves inanimate objects. but it is.

i smell like cigarettes. it's been years since i've come home drenched in someone else's smoke.

it feels good to be something to somebody again, instead of being nobody's anything.

i should probably explain (because knowing pspd, messages will be misconstrued if it's not put in context) my very first boyfriend got back in touch with me this week via facebook. we broke-up 13 years ago. it had been a very tremulous relationship. a loving friend asked me the other day if it was wise to be talking with him, she said it takes time to earn back trust. i thought about that, and surprised myself by telling her that trust had nothing to do with it. right now i'm his go-to person. i don't need to trust him in order to be supportive and encouraging. i don't distrust him either. yup, i really don't think trust has anything to do with it. trust is an intimate emotion – it's something felt or not felt for people who are close to the heart. i don't need to trust him any more than i trust my mailman. it's all water under the bridge.

i was at the knicker's place for dinner tonight. at one point i was explaining why i gave up caffine, and said something about being a high-strung person. she said "you're not a high-strung person are you?" so i told her "when i'm around people who are more high-strung than i am, i take on a passive role" which is why she's never seen that side of me, because she's WAY more tightly wound then i am. i'm animated, i'm passionate, i get stressed out easily, but i'm not picky, particular, or controlling of others. it's very easy for me to be accommodating to other people's preferences, in fact, i quite enjoy it.

holding hope open for the one, making you wait.

etch

old friends know a person in a way new friends don't. and vice versa. sometimes i feel like i'm missing chapters of my life because they happened with people who are now absent. it makes me feel like those moments are lost, or never existed. talking with an old friend this evening resorted a lot of good memories – reconnected me with them.

he told me that my dedication to my vow shows integrity and strength of character. he applauded me and assured me that i shouldn't feel embarrassed. that was very encouraging. ESPECIALLY coming from him.

i live in a fish bowl. al was saying yesterday that from the front of my house he could see me very clearly as i sat at my computer. i've developed a bit of an immunity, it doesn't bother me at all that people can see me, except when i feel their being extra nosy. i like walking around downtown and being able to see into people's houses, and since my place is pretty cool i don't mind other people admiring it from the street below.

i got my hair trimmed after work. when april used to cut my hair we had an understanding that my layers should never go shorter than my collar-bone. tonight the girl enhanced my layers a little (which was what i asked), but when i saw her snip to my chin my heart squeezed. panic! but i'm trying not to freak-out, it's just hair, it'll grow back. besides, it looks fine.

you don't know what to do
there's a guy you know,
who'll be there for you.

conspiracy

i like it when they come over and drink my beer.

was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?

kneel

i got a new chair at work today. it's pretty comfy. i need a special drafting stool because my desk is taller than everyone elses. i've been using an old chair of frank's that he got in the 70s. it's not particularly ergonomic. so i got permission to get a new one, and it took almost 2 months to arrive. but i exercised my patience muscles and therefore didn't mind.

there's something about getting dressed at the Y that makes me keenly aware of my clothes.

when i was 8, 9 or maybe 10 i got a watch for the first time. once i mastered reading the hands i quickly became dependent on it. i NEEDED to know what time it was or i was very disoriented. when i graduated college my watch strap broke, so i simply kept it in my smock as i worked at value village. eventually the battery died and i never bothered replacing it. i'd discovered how awesome it is to live without a watch. i suddenly felt free and unbogged down. i will never wear a watch again.

i discovered today that i'm a white-collar worker. i suppose that should've been obvious, but it never crossed my mind before, because it always sounded like a label for middle-aged men with briefcases.

one thing that i just can't conceive
is how to let you go.

chicken pox

today they were sending an envelop around to collect money for a going-away present for someone at work. i signed the card, then opened my wallet to see what kind of cash i was willing to part with. i had a change-purse full of loonies, i took 2 out. then said to myself "lesley... you have more, be generous!" so i gave one more. unfortunately, i discovered later that that act of generosity left me one dollar short for my laundry. now i'm gonna have to weasel some spare change out of friends and acquaintances. so much for being generous :p

i miss pretending to watch movies.

my yoga instructor's name is dennis. for some reason i find that very funny.

if you're lost you can look
and you will find me.

genesis

it struck such a cord with me that i was overwhelmed and shocked. i sat down on my bed choking on my tears, gasping for breath. there are things that happened. things that happened when i was 15. i remember praying that i would forget. and i did. it's been 14 years and i've thought of those things very little. that person rarely came to the forefront of my mind. until tonight when i got home to discover a facebook message from my long forgotten past. i was afraid. but what i read swelled my heart, and i wept uncontrollably with joy. with my faith growing in leaps and bounds in a few short seconds, i knew i had to tell someone. it had to be someone who would understand. i called my mom. she'd been there too. she'd felt all my fears, she'd felt her own. when i first told her about the email she recoiled in caution just as i had. but i read her the message and she too was amazed. i am healed beyond healing. i am mended beyond mending, in ways i never expected.

i know that he is able.
that he is faithful.

please forgive my alzheimer's.

sometimes i feel like someone stuck in quick-sand, and the more i struggle to get out the worse my predicament gets. but not right now.

when your back's against the wall
just turn around, you will see.
i will catch you, i will catch your fall
just have a little faith in me.

shuffle

it's been a bit of a bizarre day. it's been good, don't get me wrong. i got up at a reasonable time, listened to GO on the CBC, cleaned my house, when to the Y, worked on hatch & next bored stuff, had andrew & shannon over for dinner. all good things that i enjoyed a great deal. but something's been nagging at me all day. gnawing on me. eating away my confidence, sense of self, personal value, etc. there have been moments and chunks of time where i definitely was feeling like myself, but those don't last. it's like i have a bad taste in my mouth, and it's taking a while to dissipate. i need a touchstone or a warm and lasting hug.

i'm glad i had shandrew over this evening that was a real highlight of my day. i have a really nice apartment and need to invite people to enjoy it with me more often. it's a challenge for me because my hostess experience is very green and on the lite side. but i suppose i'll become more comfortable with it the more i do it. i'm going to have to purchase a few more board games if i'm going to flex my hostess muscles. we did play a round or two of boggle, but it wasn't really a fair match because i'm a more experienced player.

as i look out of my window onto york street all i see is a blanket of snow. i love it.

i know it's unreasonable, but i prefer it when my exboyfriends contact me to let me know they're getting married. instead of finding out thru the grapevine or on facebook. this could have something to do with the bad taste in my mouth.

life is for the taking,
so i better wise up,
and take it quick.

gusto

we are sneaky.

my belly-button is off-centre.

alison lau sent me this video clip a couple years ago. it's frickin hilarious, especially if you have a cubicle. man, all you people who don't work at office jobs are missing out of a whole cubicle sub-culture :p it's a lovely serenade that often gets stuck in my head.

let me feel your breath,
let me know you're here with me.

bomb the bass

this evening, as part of my attempt to "make christmas about the people i love and not about commercialism", i went xmas shopping with cas and shannon. it was really fun. we ate dinner in the food court then wandered around for a while. i managed to almost complete my shoping in zellers. all i have to do now is buy dollar gifts, and that's something i need to do alone. i've never finished my christmas shopping so early before. i usually wait until after my birthday. i wonder if this means i'm maturing or just getting more clever. but what is maturity but a more clever way of approaching things....

it was a very fun time hanging out with them, afterwards we went to cas's place and drank red wine and chatted. it makes me really happy to be surrounded by such wonderful people.

if he thinks i don't know what he's doing, he's wrong.

i don't want to. yup. i don't want to. that's probably the quickest way of curing me of any stupid notions. i feel a need to talk about it, even though talking isn't going to change anything. so instead i'll go to bed, and await your emails tomorrow. all i can do is trust and hope. hope and trust.

if you spit in the sky it will fall in your eye.

roadmap

i heard recently that men feel very much unneeded in today's world. women can do pretty much everything without them, and that makes them feel obsolete. that really makes me sad to hear. i knew that before, but it's truly a shame. i can't speak for everyone, but i am a woman who had to learn to do everything herself from a very young age, because there was no one to help me. my dad left when i was ten, and from that point on i had to take care of my mom and our home. the other day frank was telling me that he spent an entire evening at his grown-son's house replacing a valve in a toilet. my immediate reaction was "why didn't mark just do it himself?" but then it occurred to me that frank was willing and able to do it, therefore his son never needed to learn. honestly it does hurt me that i was left to fend for myself, but what bothers me more is that because of it i don't expect people to be helpful. the other day i was in the grocery store struggling to reach some crackers that were on the top shelf. i'm not a particularly tall person, i'm on the closer side of short. i jumped, i stretched, i jumped AND stretched. meanwhile a young guy around my age walked right past me. i noticed. i noticed that he walked by without assisting me. i think that motivated me more, so i stood on the lowest shelf and made one last ditch effort, and managed to knock one over within my reach. after i grabbed it, i noticed that the guy turned back, then said with a bit of a smile "oh... do you need help with that?" "no thanks, i got it" i said. argh! why didn't he offer BEFORE?!?! it's a vicious cycle. women do for themselves because they have to, men don't help because they're not needed. i've been told by several people that i'm very independent and most likely intimidating. just because i'm not needy doesn't mean i don't need.

i have a love-hate relationship with my cubicle. i love it because it's mine. i've decorated it. i've personalized it. it's my little 8x8 blue cube. i love that it's blue instead of beige. i love that everything is set up by me for me. very meticulously. it's sometimes messy. it's messy right now. it's not unlike my home. it's actually a tiny version of the maxi pad. i hate it because it traps me. i hate it because it has no windows (but it IS across from the ladies washroom). i hate that it represents oppression and kills my spirit a little. i hate that it doesn't have a door so i can't keep people out when i need time alone or need to concentrate. but all in all it's 70-30. so that's why i know it's the right fit.

i whacked my elbow really hard at the Y tonight. it's still really sore.

everything looks perfect from far away.

acrostic

my butt looks good in these pants :p
hahahhaa

i wish fruit-flies would have an aversion to me the way i do to them.

i'm knitting joy a tea cozy for christmas. she asked me for one, but i told her i didn't have time because i'm knitting david a scarf. but i'm actually gonna put his scarf on hold so that i can create for christmas. i'm excited about this.

oh my goodness. i just realized that i got NOTHING done this evening that i needed to. instead i watched 2 episodes of joan of arcadia and started joy's tea cozy. i'm so annoyed at myself. i needed to type up the board minutes, do some work on hatch, and send out invitations to my birthday party. HMPH! well... i don't suppose they can all be productive evenings. it was enjoyable nontheless.

man, i wish it would snow again.

i've decided to stop taking painkillers to kill the pain of feminine cramps. i'm just gonna grin and bear it. or if necessary bite on a piece of leather. i'm building up my resistance to pain.

he said i was talented. that made me feel really good! i don't consider myself talented, but i suppose that made me appreciate the compliment all the more.

a book has never broken my heart before. that one did. just the end. it was good. that's probably why it made me ache.

i hear you're throwing your computer out the window
because you want to make something real.

semantics

i love this little clip. it pulls at my heart-strings. it gives me goose-bumps. it makes my eyes fill up. i totally dig what they're saying.

i'm hoping:
...it's going to snow again soon.
...my brain is wrong & not actually sensing the onset of a cold.
...i won't get overwhelmed seeing as december is going to be a busy month.
...he'll be approved.
...she will be safe.
...we'll all get along.
...i won't be afraid of my 29th birthday.
...for wisdom and discernment.
...you will be certain.
...you'll have a baby.
...he'll get to keep his liver.
...it'll all work out ok.
and much much more. i'm trying to figure out what hope is. if it's more than just getting what we want. and if it's not, i'm trying to reconcile to myself that it's ok to want and not feel guilty about it. some where along the line i started to confuse wants with dissatisfaction. wants and needs. some wants aren't essential to life, and yet are at the same time. it's all so confusing. i guess it all depends on the definition of life; if it's mere survival than our wants are insignificant. but if life is relational then that changes everything. i believe it is relational. i'm relational. oh sometimes existential dilemmas hurt my brain. a verdict is still out on this one, i'm churning it over.

you are a radio.
you are an open door.
i am a faulty string of blue christmas lights.